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[aperrywilliams]

My Inspiration (Spencer Reid x Fem!Artist!Reader)

(Not my pic. Credits to the creator)

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Author Masterlist

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Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Artist!Reader

Summary: You’re having a creative block, and Spencer is there to help.

Word Count: 3.1k

TW: Nothing I can think of. Fluff in the way I like it. Spencer is the best boyfriend in the world. Fight me.

A/N: I wrote this one for this request. Feel free to send me more requests.

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It's not like it didn't happen before. You were very aware of what a creative block was. In all honesty, you go through one every so often. This time though? It was taking a toll on you.

You have been spending two weeks working on your canvases without getting something you could call worthwhile.

It's not you don't have ideas to work with. You have plenty of them but nothing really to get you going. But you had compromised on having something for your friend's opening gallery exhibition. You thought a month would be enough, but now you lost two weeks, and the anxiety only increased.

It wasn't helping you were sulking alone in your apartment. Your boyfriend Spencer had left for a case in Los Angeles a week and a half ago, and the prospection of having a productive couple of days turned anything but that.

Today you were so adamant about getting something done that after tossing and turning awake in bed all night, you got up at dawn and locked yourself in your studio. Now it was 4 pm, and you didn't even remember if you had eaten anything during the day.

That also meant you left your phone in your room all day and didn't see Spencer's messages saying he was coming home.

When Spencer arrived at your shared apartment, he suspected you were working on something, and that's why you hadn't answered his messages.

But when he entered the room you were, he didn't expect to see you throwing your brushes toward the canvas before you, cursing profusely.

"Hey, what's wrong, love?" he asked you, concern dripping from his voice.

Hearing him talk brought you back, and you quickly turned to see him.

"Oh! Spencer! Baby! I didn't know you were coming home today," you tried to sound casual and chirping as you launched into his arms. It was a considerable contrast to the outburst happening just two seconds ago.

Spencer wrapped you in his arms, but after kissing your temple lovingly, he pulled back to meet your eyes. You saw the worry written in him.

"Something happened?" He asked you again.

You huffed in frustration. One thing was your creative block, but to worry Spencer about it was the less you wanted. You knew he had had a difficult week catching an unsub; why bother him with this kind of thing?

"It's nothing, really," you tried to dismiss, turning your gaze away from him and moving where your canvas was. You swore the empty textile was laughing at you.

"(Y/N)..." Spencer called you. It was enough for him to tell you he didn't believe you.

You have learned in your two years of relationship that Spencer can read you like a book. He would know something was happening, even if you tried to mask it. With a frown, Spencer took a look at your studio. He spotted several canvases at mid-finish scattered in a corner on the floor, a lot of messy draftings on your desk, and your smock seemed rumpled and dirtier than usual. If he needed to guess, you have been struggling with your work for at least a few days. But what gave you away was your tired face, the prominent dark circles under your eyes, and your messy hair. Feeling his eyes inspecting you made you feel terrible, and you didn't want to look at him back. Spencer took some steps forward and gently put one hand on your back to catch your attention. You shyly turned but were still afraid of looking up at him. He rested both hands on your shoulders.

"Whatever it is, you can tell me. You know that, right?" he gently reminded you. "Is something related to those canvases?" he asked, although he knew the answer already.

"Yeah," you sheepishly replied. Your eyes shifted up until finding his gaze. You have been caught. What was the point of not admitting the truth? "I haven't been able to finish anything. I've been trying to direct my ideas for days, but I'm not getting anywhere. I have a creative block, and no matter how hard I've tried, I can't get enough inspiration to put my ideas on canvas," you sighed, defeated, with your lips quivering from the sudden urge to cry.

"Come here," Spencer quickly enveloped you in a tight embrace. You gave in and clutched to him as if your life depended on it, hiding your face in his chest. "It'll be okay. Maybe you need a little break," he suggested. "Why don't you rest for today, and we can do whatever you want. Take your mind off of it for a while. I think it would help."

It was a reasonable suggestion, but you were very stubborn. Spencer learned that early into your relationship. Parting from his embrace, you shook your head.

"No, Spencer. I can't. I need to finish this. I already promised Albert something for the gallery opening. I can't fail him," you explained, moving to your desk to grab a new sketch.

“(Y/N), if you have a block, it will not go away just because you push yourself to do it. Love, please, take a break. I promise it will help,” Spencer insisted, giving you his signature puppy eyes. How to say no to that?

Giving up, you strolled with Spencer to the living room and plopped on the couch. Before following your lead, Spencer asked, “Did you get lunch?”

As a cue, your stomach grumbled so loud Spencer could hear it. Your guilty face didn't help to disguise it.

“I thought so. Wait here.”

Spencer rushed to the kitchen, and a while later, he returned with a sandwich and a glass of water for you.

“Here, you need to eat,” he said, handing you the sandwich and sitting by your side. He settled the water on the coffee table.

You didn’t know how starved you were until you took the first bite. The sandwich and the water were gone just minutes later. Spencer kept a respectful silence, not wanting to bother you as you ate.

“I’m sorry,” you mumbled. Spencer frowned.

“Why are you sorry?”

“You just came back, and you’re taking care of me. It should be me doing that to you,” you sheepishly explained.

“(Y/N), you don’t have to apologize. I’m your boyfriend, and I’m happy to do something for you,” he smiled at you, taking the tray from your lap and leaving it on the coffee table so you could settle more comfortably on the couch.

Crisscrossing your legs, you let out a deep sigh.

“I just feel awful. I’ve been trying to deal with this, but every day seems harder than the previous one. I don't know if it makes sense, and I don’t know why this time it feels worse,” you tried to explain. Spencer nodded.

"Well, it is a common occurrence, even if it doesn't feel like it. A recent survey indicated that 31% of creative professionals suffer creative blocks due to tight deadlines and 30% due to the unwillingness of clients to take creative risks,” Spencer informed you.

“Tight deadlines, uh? It wasn’t a tight deadline two weeks ago,” you argued. Spencer shook his head.

“Don’t do that,” he requested. You narrowed your eyes.

“Do what?”

“Take it as it is your fault. It's not.”

You huffed.

“But I think it is! I mean, I’m stuck here, and it's not that something bad is happening to me or someone is stressing me out. So it has to be my fault,” you shrugged.

“It's not. You know that. It had happened before, right?”

“Yeah, but this time- I don’t know. I - I feel so useless. Like I am a failure. And I don’t know what to do,” you whined. You hate being all fuzzy with this, but the lack of sleep and the stress didn't help to be calm about it. Spencer scooted to your side, grabbing both of your hands with his and tracing soothing patterns on them.

"Well, some studies have shown there are three elements to focus on when trying to overcome creative block and get productive again. The first is to veer from pursuing meaning to making meaning, which implicates identifying and engaging in meaning-making activities, not only making art. Second, you must get out of your head and actually do work, engaging in a recursive process where you can learn what the piece is about, making it rather than by planning, dreaming, and obsessing about it. Finally, to develop a genuine sense that it is okay not always to be perfect. The researchers say most people tend to know this conceptually but still have not allowed themself it at a deeper level."

You hummed, taking in his words.

“Sounds easy,” you mumbled incredulously. Spencer chuckled.

“I know. Easy said than done. But we can start with the second one. And that means you are not authorized to back to your studio until tomorrow,” Spencer informed you.

“What? No! I can’t do that. I need-“ Spencer softly squeezed your hand to stop the rant you were about to initiate.

“(Y/N), I don’t even go to try to guess when was the last day you slept enough, but I can see it, and if you want to get out of your head, you need to sleep. I promise you will return to work soon, just not today, okay?” Spencer shifted on the couch to lie full on it, opening his arms for you.

Spencer was right; you knew it. So you stopped fighting against it. Pouting, you accepted his offer and cuddled with him. Felling his embrace dissipated any reluctance you could still have on you. Softly stroking your back, Spencer lulled you into sleep in no time.

The time you woke up, the first thing you noticed was you were wrapped in a cozy blanket. The second: Spencer wasn’t there with you. Still dizzy from the sleep, you sat to check your surroundings. On the coffee table, you saw a piece of paper with your name on it. Narrowing your eyes, you took the piece of paper and unfolded it.

It was a note in Spencer’s handwriting.

‘My love,

I hope the nap was good. I needed to run some errands, and I didn't want you to wake up just yet.

If it is okay with you, I want us to have a special dinner tonight. So get ready and meet me at nine in the park across the street.

Always yours,

Spencer.’

A smile tugged at your lips. You checked the time, and you had one hour to get ready and meet Spencer.

At nine, you were crossing the park to where you knew Spencer was. When he saw you coming, he stood from the bench, grinning at you.

God, you loved that smile on him.

“Hey beautiful, how was your nap?” he asked, reaching for your hand. You gladly complied, interviewing your fingers with his.

“Pretty good. I must say I was a bit disappointed when I didn't see you by my side, though,” you pouted dramatically to what Spencer chuckled.

“About that, I hope I can make it up to you tonight. Shall we?” He asked, signaling to the street ahead.

“Sure. Where are we going?”

Spencer shook his head.

“Nu-hu. I can’t tell you. It's a surprise.”

You guys took a cab to Penn Quarter and then walked for a while. You still couldn’t make it where you were going. You were passing a neighborhood full of restaurants and places you could visit, but Spencer didn't slow down the pace until you reached a big old building. Looking up and down the front, you recognized it then. It was the Smithsonian American Art Museum.

“What are we doing at the SAAM?”

“What do people do at a museum?” Spencer teased, a grin plastered on his face.

“Yeah, I know. But most people can’t visit after 7 pm,” you pointed. That didn’t make to go away Spencer’s smile.

“Most people can’t make a call and ask a favor from a friend who works here,” he shrugged. “Come on, let's go inside.”

After greeting the guard who let you in, you walked down a long corridor to a set of stairs. You went up to the second floor, and without letting go of your hand, Spencer led you down another hallway to a smaller room. This was illuminated with a warm light. Several paintings were hanging from the wall—some you immediately recognized.

It couldn’t be. Right?

You knew the museum would run an exhibition about the history of color, but it wasn't scheduled until a few weeks more. You have been hyperventilating about it for months, and now you were looking at some of the pieces you knew would be there.

“Spencer? Those are-?” You could barely articulate.

“Yes. I would like to say these are all the pieces for the exhibition, but some haven’t arrived yet,” he explained, surveying the room.

You were so dumbfounded that you didn't know what to say, so instead, you jumped into Spencer’s arms with such force that you nearly knocked the air out of his lungs. That’s when you notice the center of the room. There was a little table set for two, with a bottle of wine, glasses, and candles lighting. He followed your line of sight and grabbed your hand.

“I thought we could have dinner here too so we can have more time to appreciate everything, don't you think?”

You grinned, still amazed by everything but mainly by the man before you.

“Spencer Reid, you are something else,” you mumbled before resting your palms on his cheeks to bring his lips to yours. You kissed him with your heart and soul. You didn't recall someone doing for you something like this before.

When you parted, he rested his forehead on yours.

“I must assume that you liked the surprise,” he concluded. You laughed, patting his chest.

“Don’t get cocky on me, Dr. Reid. You still have to give me the description of each piece in this room,” you anticipated making Spencer smirk.

“Yes, ma’am. But first, dinner,” he announced, signaling the table.

While you ate dinner, you couldn't stop looking around you. You were surrounded by so much talent and beauty that it could have been overwhelming, but the truth wasn’t like that, quite the opposite. The beauty of each piece adorning the walls accompanied the beauty of a unique moment with the wonderful man sitting in front of you. Was this finding meaningful? Partly yes.

After dinner, hand in hand, you walked the length of the room, examining each piece. And just like you requested, Spencer had something to say about each one.

"Did you know people have been painting for as long as 30,000 years? The Early Cave paintings were drawn with red or yellow ochre, hematite, manganese oxide, and charcoal and may have been made by early Homo sapiens as long as 30,000 years ago. These would have been ground to make up a primitive paint substance. Other ingredients used were animal blood and fat,” he explained, as you were looking at a replica of a primitive painting.

"Before the emergence of linseed oil in the paint, artists had to mix the dried pigments into a paste using egg yolk. Can you imagine that?”

You laughed at his expression.

“I would say it was a waste of food,” you quipped, making Spencer chuckle.

You moved to another piece that showed an artist from the XIX century painting on a canvas, with a bowl next to him.

"Artists used to store their paint in animal bladders. The bladder was fashioned into pretty purses until the paint tube was invented in 1841,” Spencer informed.

“Yuk!” You complained. “I didn't know that!”

“Sorry, I won’t develop more about that in the future,” he apologized, moving to another painting.

“Thanks, baby.”

You kept walking and admiring each piece. There wasn’t any rush, and you even forgot about your creative block. On the contrary, this was flooding you with ideas and energy.

"Linseed oil was in short supply during World War II, forcing paint manufacturers to research other options. This led to the invention of artificial resins, which were cheap, held the color well, and lasted a long time. The resin was patented in 1915 by Otto Rohm from Germany. It continued to be developed until it became widely available," Spencer explained, pointing to a canvas comparing linseed oil and resin.

“Thanks, Mr. Rohm. My job is better, thanks to the resin,” you pointed appreciatively. Spencer nodded.

The tour continued, and you swore you didn’t want it to end, but at some point, your focus wasn’t anymore on the paintings but on your boyfriend.

You should have been paying attention to the piece of art in front of you. It was the reason Spencer brought you here, right? But you couldn't avert your gaze from him, mesmerized by how his eyes sparkled, explaining why Rembrant never could use green in his paintings. Spencer moved his hands enthusiastically, eager to share every detail he knew with you. You couldn't help but stare at him wet his lips every time he finished a sentence, the way his nose scrunched up when he tried to read the description in the foot of the paint. The way mindlessly his fingers played with yours as you walked hand in hand by the gallery.

Then it hit you. You could have done this by yourself, and you would never feel your heart so full as you had it now. It wasn’t the exhibition itself. It wasn’t the act to witness the beauty of each piece what you needed to get inspired and overcome your block. You needed to feel it, and for that, Spencer was the missing piece. Your love, your biggest fan, the man who believes in you and loves you for what you are and not for what you have done or not.

That’s what true inspiration is—experiencing your own life in the deepest, feeling the pain, the happiness, the love, and wanting to tell the world what’s for you through a canvas.

The realization made you smile and be grateful for the most important person you had the luck to love. That’s why Spencer saw you staring at him and asked if something was wrong; you shooked your head and, after kissing him passionately, whispered:

“I love you, Spencer Reid. My heart is yours, and the world will know it.”

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Spencer Reid's Taglist: @dreatine​ @nomajdetective @jayyeahthatsme @rosalinasam2 @averyhotchner @tvandfanfic @lovelyxtom @princessmiaelicia @pastelbabygirl19 @reidsbookclub @alexxavicry @gspenc @spencerreidisbae123 @calmspencer @pauline5525mgg @disaster-in-waiting @anamiad00msday @milivanili99 @laylasbunbunny @leahblackk @miaxx03 @missabsey @taintedstranger

[stones-x-bones]

Faeted Choices || Mina and Bex

TIMING: Current (After this) PARTIES: @drowningisinevitable and @inbextween SUMMARY: After Rio brings Bex home, her and Mina have a disagreement. CONTENT: Domestic abuse mention, Head injury mention, Memory loss mention

After Rio left, Mina just started pacing Bex’s room, grateful that she’d been the one to answer the door. She didn’t know what happened; all she knew was that Bex had done magic and passed out. So, lovely, that explained so much, and she was just thrilled to have this plethora of information at her disposal. At least she could lie to herself. She stopped, took a deep breath, started pacing again. She’d been having a bad time, recently, thinking about the hunter, about her lack of agency, about humans that attacked humans even when they weren’t supposed to, when they were taught not to. She rubbed at the bandage on her wrist. It hurt. She didn’t mind. Breathe in. Hold. Breathe out. She was fine. Bex was fine, too, just sleeping off… whatever she’d done. And Mina was just… pacing. She heard the sound of rustling and jerked her head to look at Bex, torn between being grateful that she really was fine and being apprehensive. But she walked over to Bex and sat down beside her. “Hey,” she said, her voice quiet.

The last thing Bex remembered was being in the alley, so when consciousness came back to her and she felt the soft give of a bed mattress, she was relatively confused. Her eyes snapped open and she moved to sit up, but immediately fell back down, grabbing her head as the world above her spun on an axis. A wave of nausea accompanied the spinning, but there was little in her stomach to heave back up, so she just put her hand over her mouth until it passed. Someone said her name and she snapped to attention, squinting through the blurry haze of a swirling room to focus in on the three different versions of Mina staring at her. At least two of them were transparent, so it was obvious which was the real one. She felt something warm on her lip and reached up to wipe away a trickle of blood. “Mina?” she asked through the haze. “Where am I?” Where was Rio? And the man? She wanted to swivel her head to look around, but wasn’t ready to face another wave of nausea yet, so she just kept her eyes as focused on the Mina’s as she could, hoping they’d all go back to being one soon.

“Hey, no, please don’t move too fast.” Mina reached out a bit before hesitating, trying not to startle Bex when she clearly seemed a little out of it. “You-- you apparently did a lot today,” she murmured. She didn’t know what to do, now that Bex was awake, especially when Bex didn’t quite seem to be aware of what was going on around her. “We’re at the house. Rio-- Rio brought you back after-- after.” What did you do? What happened? She swallowed tightly, managed to smile a bit. “If you keep getting into things like this with him, I really might get jealous, you know.” And the words were a bit acrid because they weren’t quite true. “But it’s okay now. It’s alright.” She just wanted to know what happened. That’s all. But she didn’t know how to ask, and, really, at the moment, at least, she didn’t know if Bex was capable of answering any questions that she might ask.

Bex ruffled her brow. ‘A lot’ was a strange way of putting it. She really hadn’t actually done that much today, it was just the one thing, that she’d done only a few-- minutes? Hours?-- ago that made her pass out. “I’m fine,” she said, pushing herself to a sit as she kept her eyes trained on Mina. “Really. Nothing happened to me. I just-- used too much,” she said, shaking out her hands as they began to tingle back to life. She looked at the red of her palm and wondered if it would go away. She glanced around the room, then, as more blood dripped from her nose and she watched it fall onto her jeans. Reached blindly for the tissue box she knew she usually kept by her bedside. Pressed one to her face and took a moment to breath. At least she could breath proper again. Geez, Nell hadn’t warned her it would be this bad using too much magic. She coughed again. “Where’s Rio? Did he go home?” she asked, then, wiping the rest of the blood away and looking over at Mina expectantly, as if none of this was strange or terrifying or unknown.

“Pinch your nose and keep your head tilted forward, if it’s still bleeding,” Mina said. She was well-versed in the art of dealing with nosebleeds. “You might have to hold it for a few minutes.” She’d been so worried when Bex had come home a few days before, covered in dust and bloody and bruised, and she’d been afraid that this was going to become a thing for them. Of course it was. She just didn’t expect it to be constant like this. And she was so frustrated, too, because of course Bex was treating this like it was nothing, like she was fine when her nose was bleeding and she seemed to be having trouble sitting up, and she’d used too much, as if Mina was supposed to know what that meant. Nothing good, apparently. She was worried. She was so worried. She couldn’t even find the words to express how worried she was. “Yeah, yes, he went home.” He didn’t tell me what happened. I just want to know what happened. She had to ask, she needed to ask. Mina picked at the bandages on her wrist again. She could feel the way they rubbed against the still healing burns. “What happened? If nothing happened to you, then-- What happened?”

Bex did as she was told and held it for a moment. She could taste the coppery iron in the back of her throat and she swallowed thickly. Gross. Gross. Next time, she’d be more careful. Live and learn, right? Isn’t that what Nell had said? She took in a deep breath through her nose after a moment and found it not so bad anymore. She looked back up at Mina and found, as well, that the world had stopped spinning and there was now only one Mina, blurry and pale, staring at her with such a heavy look of worry, Bex felt a pang of guilt over it. “I saw him,” she started out slowly. No matter what angle Bex took this from, she knew Mina wasn’t going to take it well. But she couldn’t lie to her, not when she was looking at her like that and they’d promised to try and be better and be more open and careful. “The hunter.” She nodded at Mina’s arm, eyes flaring with anger again for a moment. Remembering all the things the man had said, how he’d laughed at Mina’s pain. Her knuckles turned white as she gripped the sheets. “He won’t hurt you again,” she managed to stifle out through a clenched jaw, “or anyone.”

It felt like ice had developed and spread throughout Mina’s chest, making her cold all over. The hunter. Mina could see him, and he was standing over Rio, shoving the boy’s head under the water with his hands gripped tight around his neck, only that was replaced with Bex, and Mina didn’t have to imagine it, not really, because she already knew what Bex looked like while she was fighting for her life. “What do you mean you saw the hunter?” And then Mina was overthinking again. “No, no, I said not to-- You can’t possibly-- He’ll kill you, Bex. He didn’t care about Rio, he didn’t-- he just wanted to kill. He didn’t care how.” She stood up, then, moving away from the bed, looking away. “How can you know that? How can you possibly know that when-- You prom--” But Bex hadn’t promised anything. Mina almost always refused to let her promise anything. “We both said we’d run, if we saw him. You didn’t say that you’d see him by yourself.” But Bex wasn’t by herself. She was with Rio, someone who knew what the warden had looked like. The ice was still spreading. Mina turned back to Bex. “You didn’t just see him, did you? You-- you sought him out.”

Bex looked up, startled, when Mina started pacing. “I didn’t promise anything,” she mumbled, eyes falling to the floor, to her feet, her shoes. She remembered the look in his eye, the way he’d smiled into her face when he thought he’d had the upper hand. The sound of his nose breaking as her skull collided with it. She bit down on the inside of her cheek. There it was. Mina was smart enough to figure it out without Bex having to say it, and even though she could hear the worry in Mina’s voice, and that tinge of hurt, she didn’t feel bad about it. She wasn’t going to take it back or say she’d done the wrong thing. She knew she’d done the right thing. She lifted her eyes to meet Mina’s. “Yes,” she answered, holding her gaze, “I did. And I know because I took them from him. His memories of you. And Rio. And all the people he hurt. He doesn’t-- he doesn’t get to just do that! He doesn’t get to-to hurt people and have absolutely no consequences! People don’t get to keep hurting you just because-- because you’re--” Something you won’t tell me. Bex snapped her jaw shut and looked away, shame finally tinging her cheeks. “I’m not apologizing for what I did. And I don’t think Rio would, either.”

“I know you didn’t.” Mina was trying to do that thing where she pushed all of her anxieties down, all the way down, so far down that she didn’t feel them, but it wasn’t working that well for her. She’d never been able to do that particularly well, not for things like this. Not for most things. She crossed her arms and drummed her fingers against her arm instead, working out the nervous energy. It wasn’t much. It’d have to do. “He’d have killed you,” Mina said, and the truth of it burned worse than any lie. “You took his memories of--” Did you see them? Did you see me? Why would you do that? “Why would you do that?! That’s not-- Bex, that’s not just using magic to stop a possessed doll or explode a cockatrice.” And it was more than just Mina being worried about what Bex might have seen. It was the fact that Bex had hurt another human being like that, and for what? What was the point of it all? It was needless, unnecessary. She gritted her teeth. “What he did in the woods the other day, that was wrong.” Going after Rio had been wrong. “But he’s also just someone that was doing his job. If he was going to be dealt with, he should have been dealt with by other hunters.” She couldn’t believe that she hadn’t thought about that, hadn’t thought to tell Adam or even Kaden. “You could have died. Rio could have died.”

“Why!? Seriously!?” Bex stood up from the bed and wobbled, collapsing back down. “You’re really going to ask me why I did it?” Was it not obvious? Was it not clear? Did Mina not understand that she was everything to her? “He tried to kill you, Mina! And from the sound of it, he was going to try again! How was I supposed to not do anything while knowing that? Was I just supposed to wait till he found you a second time, and this time you came home with a broken leg or a broken collar bone or, fuck, a broken neck?” She pressed her palms against her head, feeling the dizziness trying to return. She fought it back. She inhaled deeply and held it before letting it go. “His job?” she wheezed, lifting her head to look at Mina bewildered. “You’re kidding me, right? His job!?” She shook her head fiercely. “No one’s job should entail killing other people!” That must’ve been where they disagreed. Bex would never understand that. Bex would never understand the need for a force that kills people unbiasedly, simply because of who-- what-- they are. She heaved with angry breath, red, hot tears in her eyes suddenly. “No one was going to deal with him, Mina. You know that. Rio knew that. Even I knew that!” she scrubbed her hand across her eyes, trying to make the tears go away. “I’d gladly die for you,” she huffed, “if it meant protecting you, I’d do it in a heartbeat.”

“Yes, I really am!” Mina said, throwing her hands up in the air. “There’s no reason that you should have put yourself in harm’s way like that.” She could see why Bex did it, and she was blatantly refusing to ignore it. Of all the ridiculously, awfully, horrifyingly irresponsible things that Bex could have done, doing something so reckless and potentially dangerous for Mina of all people was, by far, the worst. “Yes, he tried to kill me! He might have tried again. Hell, someone else might try to do it, too! This is apparently my life now!” This was how things were going to be without her dad, now that she was actively getting out, trying to live her life, trying to protect people. “No, next time I wasn’t going to try and reason with him. I was just going to run, and it would have been fine, and I’d have still come back.” She looked at Bex and then looked away, her eyes feeling prickly and hot even though she still felt overwhelmingly cold. “Fine, not his job. I’m sure he had some nine-to-five job in corporate America or something equally as mundane. His duty, then. Because that’s what he was supposed to do. He was supposed to get rid of monsters, to keep people safe! And maybe he wasn’t doing that right, but that’s still what he was supposed to do.” She looked back at Bex and, oh, damn, she was crying, then, wasn’t she? “No. No. No, don’t say that. Please don’t say that. Please don’t, I can’t-- Please.”

“It was for you Mina! The reason is you!” Bex stood up again, this time holding herself taught enough to stay standing. She didn’t want to be sitting for this. Her body was itching, vibrating with the want to move. To run. She hated arguing, she hated yelling. She hated being so angry her eyes burned with tears. “Oh, yeah, sure, cause he seemed like such a reasonable guy! Especially when he was talking about killing you slowly, or ripping out Rio’s tongue or shooting me in the chest! Very reasonable dude right there,” she snapped. “I had the chance to stop it from happening again. Why wouldn’t I take that opportunity? Rio wanted it just as much as I did. We just wanted to make sure he didn’t come after you or anyone else innocent ever again so I’m finding it really hard to understand why this is a bad thing!?” She paced away from her bed, over to her vanity, and put her palms against the cool, wood surface. It felt relieving in a room that suddenly felt so suffocating, so hot. “Duty is bullshit. That’s all just bullshit.” If hunters were the kind of people that went after Mina, then, Bex decided right there, she hated them. All of them. Even Dani, even Adam. She hated what they did. “You’re not a monster, Mina! The cockatrice was a monster. The spawn from the alley was a monster. The possessed doll was a monster. You are not a monster. You’re just-- You’re just--” she turned to look back at her, “--you’re just you. He has no right to decide those things. No one does. Born for it or not, no one does.” She blubbered through angry, unfamiliar tears, wiping them away as fast as they came and yet there were always new ones on her face. “You are a person. You’re a person and I need you and I’m not going to let someone take you from me.” She felt her knees going weak again, as she gripped the edge of her vanity. She could just barely see the wetness in the corners of Mina’s eyes through her own underwater gaze. “I’m saying it because I mean it and you can’t-- you can’t make me take it back.”

Wrapping her arms tightly back around herself again, Mina snapped back, “I’m not worth that. I’m not worth you doing that. I’m not worth any of that.” She felt white hot with rage, though, at Bex saying how the man talked about shooting her in the chest. That was why Mina didn’t want Bex doing that. She didn’t want Bex getting into situations like that where she couldn’t protect her, where she knew that she would have actively hunted that man down like he’d wanted to do to her if he’d even considered harming Bex. But apparently she didn’t need to because Bex could just rip his bloody memories right from his skull. “And what if it had gone wrong? Do you think this only goes one way, Bex? Do you know what I would have done if something happened to you? What if you and Rio had actually gotten hurt by that man. What if you hadn’t been able to stop it? What then? Do you think I’d have just been okay with it?” Mina clenched her jaw, rubbing away at a few of tears that had managed to slip out. She was trying not to cry, not to get too emotional, but she felt it building behind her eyes. Deep breath. In. Hold. Out. “Sometimes duty is all that some people have.” Sometimes it’s all they had drilled into their head, and it was the only thing that comforted them, and then it was taken from them, and they were left to try and find something else, anything else. You don’t know that I’m not a monster was on the tip of Mina’s tongue, but she held it back. “And there’s no legal system in this world. If there weren't hunters, there would be a lot more deaths of innocent people.” She walked over to where Bex was but hung back a bit. “I’m not going anywhere, but you know it applies to you, too, right? Bex, I don’t want to lose you, either. I don’t want-- I can’t-- And you say things like that, and-- I don’t want you to die, Bex. Not for me, especially not for me.”

“You don’t get to decide that!” Bex nearly shouted and she was sure if she’d had any magic juice left, her vanity mirror wouldn’t have stood a chance. Her knees grew too weak to hold her and she collapsed onto the stool that sat in front of it. “You don’t get to decide how much you’re worth to me! I get to decide! Me! No one else.” She was sure she sounded like some sort of petulant child, but everything in her life had been dictated for her up until a month ago. Their value, their importance, their worth. It was her turn to decide. She wanted that control. “I couldn’t-- I couldn’t not try. I couldn’t. He hurt you and I knew who he was and where he would be and I couldn’t just not do anything.” Not when Rio had told her exactly what that man had done to Mina. Not when she’d seen the aftermath of his “duty” scratched out on broken bones and angry burns on Mina herself. She put her face in her hands and shook her head. Duty. She hated that word. She hated it so much. She hated that she understood-- at least enough-- about why it hurt so much to reject it. She hated that Mina had been told that her duty was to die for someone else, probably someone she didn’t even know, simply because that’s the way things were. Mina wasn’t even a hunter, why did she have to succumb to their regime? Why did she have to suffer their duty? “I’m not saying they shouldn’t exist. I’m saying they don’t have the right to decide people deserve to die based on their own shitty opinions. There are plenty of fucking monsters out there they can go kill, they don’t need to go after people like you or Morgan or Kyle.” Her head shot up. “You don’t know that! You don’t know that you’re not going anywhere! Not when-- not when things like this keep happening! He could have taken you from me, Mina,” she was sobbing now, unable to hold back her tears, the truth that had stuck itself inside her heart finally tearing its way through her sternum. “He was going to take you from me. People keep trying to hurt you and I just wanted it to stop.” 

And she heard her own voice in her ears, commanding the hunter. Stop. Stop. The keyword in all of it. Stop. She wanted it all to stop. The hurt, the injuries, the worry. The pain. She had just wanted something nice and it all kept happening and it was all so much. She just wanted one good thing, one good thing. Bex put her head between her knees and hooked her hands behind her neck, trying to breathe through the swell of panic. She was spiraling and she knew it. “I just wanted him to stop and I had the power to do it. I finally have the power to make it stop. I don’t care if it hurts me or tears me apart from the inside out or kills me. I just wanted it to stop.” And it hadn’t even done that, had it?

“And you don’t get to just throw your life away over me!” Mina said, matching Bex’s tone, her volume. I am nothing! I am nothing, and I am incapable, and I’m not worth this! This shouldn’t even be an argument. She didn’t even know how it had gotten to this point. “And I’m grateful that nothing happened to you, to Rio, because of this, I am, but this could have just gone so wrong, Bex! He could have hurt you, or you could have hurt yourself, and how would I have even known?” She felt controlling and out of control. Mina tried so hard. She didn’t make Bex promise to tell her anything, even when the younger girl had said that she would. She didn’t try to force conversations, except for this one, which was going monumentally wrong. She just wanted to be able to protect Bex, but instead she just kept finding more and more ways that she couldn’t. What if they ended up in a situation where she was there and she still couldn’t protect Bex? What if she couldn’t make a decision? What if Bex got hurt because of her, trying to protect her, of all things? What if she somehow ended up hurting Bex herself? She couldn’t live with that. “You can’t possibly seek out every person that hurts me. It’s not possible.” She rubbed at her wrist again, fingers flexing. “Sometimes there’s really no choice but to go after monsters that look like people, especially if they’re dangerous. That’s the point. That’s what hunters kind of exist for.” Mina saw the look on Bex’s face and immediately moved forward, getting on her knees in front of Bex and looking up at her. “Hey, I’m not going anywhere,” she said again, more resolutely. She was absolutely crying, tracks of it running down her face. “Please, Bex, it’s okay, I’m not going anywhere. Please. Please, don’t say things like that. I can’t lose you, too. I can’t. It doesn’t stop if you rip yourself apart or die for me. Please.”

“I’m not throwing my life away!” Bex said back, feeling her chest heaving with something she didn’t want anymore. “And I know it could have! I know. But it was-- you are--” she felt the words bubbling in her throat, burning her tongue, “you’re worth it. You are. I know you think you’re not and I hate that, but you are. It seemed worth it. Even if he’d hurt me or put that gun to my head, it was worth it.” And she hadn’t even been scared and she knew she should have, and she knew Mina had wanted her to be-- but she wasn’t. She wasn’t. Fingers clawed through her own hair. “I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know how you would’ve known, but it didn’t happen so it-- it doesn’t matter. It didn’t happen.” She kept repeating it, as if that would make any of this better. She reached out as if to take Mina’s face in her hands but pulled back, sitting up instead and curling her arms around her stomach. “I’d do it again. And again. And I can try. I can try because this is something I can do. This is something I can do.” She almost laughed. Almost. Instead it came out as a hollow gurgle and she shook her head. “No it’s not. You said it yourself-- your duty was to protect people. Not hurt them, not kill them. That’s nobody’s job. That shouldn’t be anyone’s job.” She leaned back forward and finally met Mina’s eyes. They were red and puffy, too, and there were blotches of them on her cheeks. “I can’t help it,” she finally admitted quietly, “I can’t help it. People keep hurting you. And it’s not fair. It’s not fair. They don’t get to-- to do that. They don’t.” She unfurled her arms and held out the hand of which palm was still a burning red, she assumed, from the magic overdose. “I’d do it again. I need you to know that I’d do it again. I won’t stand by and let people hurt you like that.” 

“If this had ended poorly, then you would have!” Mina said, moving to sit on her heels. She had to take a second, gritting her teeth so hard that it hurt, that she could taste her own blood in her mouth from biting down. She managed to calm down, though, her voice much lower in volume as she said, “No, I’m not. I promise I’m not worth it. No one is worth you dying for them.” Not even me. Especially not me. And then there was the mention of the gun, and Mina can fight off a lot, but she couldn’t fight off a bloody gun, and she felt like she was spiraling all over again, unable to do anything at all as she thought about all the what ifs and might’ve happeneds and, “It still matters, Bex! Of course it still matters. You not getting hurt matters. You fucking matter.” She shook her head. “But you don’t have to! You don’t have to try, and you don’t have to break yourself apart doing this for me because I can handle myself! I can take care of myself, I can get myself out of these situations, I worry more about you when you do things like this than I’m worried about myself because I can handle it!” It was like Bex just refused to hear anything that she was saying. Was she even speaking? “My duty is to protect people. Mine. And I’m very lucky I haven’t had to kill because of that duty, and because I see things differently, and because I spend most days rethinking a lot of what I was taught growing up, but not all hunters are like that. They see the world very black and white and there’s no room for error, no room for them to question how dangerous something is. If it’s dangerous, even just potentially, then it has to go.” She reached out for Bex’s hand, for the palm that looked like it had been burned, before she put her hand on Bex’s wrist instead, too scared to cause any more injury. “I’ve never needed protecting, Bex.” It had never really been offered to her before. She didn’t know what to do with it, except for the fact that she couldn’t let Bex get hurt because of her. “I don’t want you to do it again. Not because of me.”

“No, stop it-- don’t say that,” Bex blurted, shaking her head again. She could smell the blood in her nose again. “I don’t accept it. I don’t accept your promise. Don’t say that.” She could see Mina spiraling again, but she couldn’t stop it. Couldn’t even stop herself. They were yelling about things that didn’t even need to be yelled about. They were arguing about who was worth more and the truth was that it didn’t matter, they both did. But Bex couldn’t see that truth through her pain, through her sorrow, even if she knew it, in the back of her mind. She fought it because digging it up from the recess of her mind meant digging through twenty-years of being told she was worth nothing if she was not a certain way, and she couldn’t be that way. She couldn’t. “I know I don’t have to! I want to! I want to because you-- you--” she choked on her own breath and coughed through it, a hand over her mouth. Speckles of blood splattered her palm and she clenched her fist closed. Too much, she’d used too much. “If that’s true, if they kill dangerous things, then should I be killed, too? I’m dangerous. I hurt people. Is it only different because I’m human? Because that’s bullshit.” She wiped the blood on her jeans. “I know you can take care of yourself, I know. I know you’re careful, capable, it’s not that I think you can’t--” Another coughing fit cut her short. She looked down when Mina grabbed her wrist and remembered how the hunter had easily moved her own, how easily he must have snapped Mina’s. “I know you don’t need protecting…” she said, quieter, her voice strained. “But I want to. If I can make any difference in it, I want to do it. I won’t just stand by and let the people I care about get hurt. And I--” and she what? Had liked it? Feeling that powerful? Knowing that she could stop someone who boasted superstrength, superspeed, superhealing? Maybe she’d like it too much. “I was so angry, Mina.” Another wave of sobs overtook her for a moment, freezing her heart and her insides. “I was so angry at him. I wanted to hurt him like he’d hurt you, like he’d hurt Rio. I wanted him to know how it felt and he just made me so angry. He doesn’t get to hurt people like that. Just because you’re different. They don’t get to hurt people just because we’re different.”

“Okay! I’m sorry, okay!” Mina said frantically, trying to stop whatever was happening as Bex started to bleed more, cough more. And she thought that Mina was worth this? Mina felt sick. She needed Bex to calm down before it got worse. “I just don’t want you to get hurt because of me. That’s it. Can’t you see that? I don’t want you to get hurt at all, but especially not for me, and this-- this is hurting you.” And she could do even less about this than she could a man with a gun. She couldn’t force Bex’s body to stop hurting her. “You’re human,” she said, quietly. “That’s what matters, that’s what counts to hunters. You can be dealt with by human authorities. Who’s going to put an immortal being in a cell? That’s what it’s about, really.” What human authority could stop creatures that could rip a man apart without trying? Still, in the back of her head, she asked herself who could possibly stop someone that could rip thoughts from people’s heads. But she wasn’t there to question spellcasters. That wasn’t what she was taught. “I just… don’t want you to get hurt because of me.” She leaned forward as soon as Bex started sobbing and wrapped her arms around her. “It’s okay now. It’s okay. It’s-- He can’t hurt anyone else, can he? And-- and I’m okay, and so is Rio, and so are you.” She just didn’t want Bex to get even more stressed, even more panicked. It wasn’t doing anything good to her.

“Isn’t that-- isn’t that just the world we live in?” Bex managed to choke out. She pressed into Mina’s arms, but didn’t reach out herself. Her body was trembling uncontrollably now and she couldn’t tell if it was from the exhaustion or the anger or the stress. She put her face on Mina’s shoulder. “He was going to hurt you again, he told me. He told me he was going to kill you and I couldn’t let that happen. I wasn’t going to let him try. Even if you could get away, even if you can take care of yourself, I wasn’t going to let him even try.” She tried to calm herself down-- in for three, out for five-- and catch her breath, but all she could taste was copper and all she could hear was the desperation in Mina’s voice. “If that’s true, then why are there witch hunters? There’s one in town. Morgan told me about her. How is that fair? I didn’t ask for this. You didn’t ask for this. None of us asked for this.” She couldn’t believe how tired her body felt. Her bones were lead, her muscles were stone. She shivered. She was destroying herself and she didn’t even realize it. “I’m sorry I upset you, but I w-won’t take it back. What I s-said. What I d-did. He deserved it. He can’t hurt anyone ever again.” She exhaled heavily, deflating against Mina. “He can’t hurt you anymore.”

“It shouldn’t be,” Mina said bitterly. She stroked Bex’s hair, and she couldn’t even be mad that Bex didn’t hug her back. At this point, Mina just wanted to hold her. “Well, he can lie, you know. He wasn’t going to kill me. If he’d tried, it wouldn’t have worked. I wouldn’t have let him kill me.” Not when she had people, now. Not when there was a lot she was realizing that she didn’t want to lose. She stilled, her hand frozen in Bex’s hair at the mention of a witch hunter. “Witch hunters aren’t a thing. I mean, they are but they’re… not like other hunters. They don’t have special abilities. They’re just humans who hate other humans. They’re awful.” She pulled Bex even closer, though, kissing Bex’s hair. “Okay, okay. You don’t have to take it back. You don’t. I just… I don’t want you to hurt yourself like this. Something-- You’ve never bled like this before, have you? This isn’t good.” And Mina had only made it worse, hadn’t she? She was trying not to make it worse.

“He wasn’t lying,” Bex wheezed, “I saw in his head. He wasn’t lying.” She’d seen how he wanted to twist Mina’s arms until they snapped off, or crushed her throat until she sputtered for breath, or stab her until her blood ran free over his hands like a fountain. She hated that she’d seen it, but she had. She could still see it. This was her price. She’d done too much too soon and this was the price. She would’ve done it again, too, if given the chance to do it over. “They’re not always human,” she mumbled, her sails deflating, her body sagging with the weight of her burden, “enough humans hate me already.” Maybe she hated humans, too. She didn’t know yet. If they did this to the people she loved, then maybe she hated them, too. “No, it’s...not good. I did too much,” she murmured, tasting the iron on her tongue. “I couldn’t-- I was so angry. I didn’t want to stop.” Because it wasn’t that she couldn’t stop, but that she hadn’t wanted to. She wanted to make him suffer. “I’m sorry,” she finally managed to say, “I won’t-- I won’t go this far again. I won’t.” The words rattled in her chest. She said them, but she couldn’t promise them.

“He would have had to catch me first.” Mina pulled back, wiping at Bex’s face. “I wasn’t going to let him hurt me again, not after last time. But you-- you took care of it.” Bex had ripped a man’s memories from his head. What did that do to a person? What did that leave him as? What did that even feel like, anyway? If Bex was suffering this bad, and she was the one to do it, then She supported Bex’s weight as much as she could. “I know. That makes them worse,” she murmured. “I wish they could see how amazing you are. I’ve always been baffled by just… how some people target other people like that. I don’t get it.” She closed her eyes, nodded her head. “You did too much,” she agreed. She didn’t know what else to say. Maybe she needed to start learning more about magic, about Bex’s limits, to make sure that this didn’t happen again. Maybe she needed to offer to train Bex so that she didn’t have to rely on this kind of power all the time. Maybe she should make Bex promise to actually not do this again. Sometimes that seemed like the only way she might possibly be able to get her to listen. But Mina didn’t want to bind her into anything. She’d made promises to Bex, some big, most small, but she didn’t want the younger girl to feel obligated to her. She didn’t want to take away Bex’s agency like she’d had hers taken from her. Mina just wished she’d tell her things. She knew that made her a hypocrite. “Maybe just-- just don’t do something this big until you have more experience, okay? That’s all. I just want you to be okay.”

Bex remembered Mina’s broken ribs and lifted as much of her weight from her shoulders as she could. She was still shaking, but it came in waves, like the chills during a flu. She felt cold and hot all at the same time. “I didn’t want him to even try again,” she admitted into the space between them. She couldn’t tell how Mina felt about all of this, if she was okay with what Bex had done. Bex wasn’t even sure she was okay with it. She had torn a man’s memories from his head, scrambled his mind. Was that what her power was? Was it this? Could it not do good? Was she tainted? She turned her head so she could look at Mina. Her eyes were blank, tired versions of their usual glint. “You get that...that sounds the s-same, right? I don’t want people going after you, e-either. I just thought I could help. I could s-stop the fighting before it even b-began.” And she’d done it. And she wasn’t sure she’d worked through anything at all. They’d yelled and cried and collapsed and what had any of it solved? She pressed her palms to her eyes. She’d do it again, but that wasn’t what Mina wanted to hear. “People think I’m-- I’m s-something fragile. A-and I’m n-not. They don’t know how much I’ve endured, they don’t u-understand. I just wanted to be strong, too. I can be s-strong, too.” Slowly, she slid onto the floor with Mina and finally reached her arms out to circle around the other’s girl’s waist. Gently. She was still bruised, she was still broken. Mina could heal fast, but she was still fragile right now, while her breaks were fresh. “I want you to be okay, too. I w-want just a week. Can we just have a week? Please.” Her body sagged. “Please just one week.” 

It was almost more confusing and painful when Bex pulled away than the bruises, though Mina did realize why. She was unused to people being careful with her. It was a strange feeling. “He won’t,” she said quietly. Bex made sure of that, she realized. If the effects of Bex’s magic were even worse on the person that she targeted, then he definitely wouldn’t target Mina ever again. “I… know what it sounds like,” she murmured, but it wasn’t the same, not really. “You… you ripped out a man’s mind for me,” she choked out, the reality of the situation fully reaching her. No one had cared that much about her to blatantly attack someone that hurt her. That had never happened before. “I would say that you helped, that you stopped it.” She moved in closer as Bex joined her, and she rested her head against Bex’s. “You’re not, I know. You’re just not used to this world, to these dangers. I don’t think you’re fragile, Bex. I think you’re very strong. I just-- I worry that you’re going to do too much.” She felt like she was shaking, all of the anxiety and nerves in her system still trying to work its way out. Or maybe Bex was shaking. Or maybe they were both shaking. She didn’t feel any better from this. A part of her still felt like Bex hadn’t heard her at all. “I’d like for us to both be okay, and I’d like a week, and I’d like to just enjoy you.” Mina had just gotten her, and she didn’t know how long good things were supposed last, but she didn’t want this to go away. She’d like to keep it as long as she could.

“Yeah,” Bex said at the quiet realization, “I did.” And she’d do it again. And again, and again, if it meant getting to keep Mina around longer. If it meant not having to receive messages in the middle of the evening about her having been hurt, or broken something, or been attacked by someone. Nothing felt settled. She just knew she didn’t want to argue anymore. Bex wanted to tell Mina not to worry, but she’d done exactly that, hadn’t she? She’d done too much. She was doing too much. She was too much. “I’m sorry,” was all she said, “that I worried you like that.” She didn’t know what other words to offer to console her. She wouldn’t promise to not do it again, because she knew in her bones that she would. And then they would argue again, wouldn’t they? She wanted it over for now. “I just want to be a part of your world,” she admitted, “I...want to fit in somewhere.” Isn’t that what she’d always wanted, her whole life? Just somewhere to fit in, somewhere to be. Have someone to keep. She’d just gotten Mina, she didn’t want anyone to take her away. “I did too much this time, but next time-- I won’t. Okay? I won’t. I--” she wanted to say it, but knew she’d never keep it. She closed her jaw and settled her head on Mina’s shoulder. “I’m sorry I yelled. I just-- I care about you so much sometimes it hurts. It hurts when I know you’ve been hurt. I hurt when you hurt and I-- I want you to be happy. That’s it, that’s all.” Was it really that simple? It was that simple and that easy, she decided. It was. “Starting now,” she murmured, “we can have that week starting now.”

Mina couldn’t help it. She held on tighter and buried her face in Bex’s neck, and she was crying again, shuddering with it softly, and the only time she remembered crying like this was after Morgan saved her. It was equal parts fear and relief; fear that she could have lost something, and relief that she didn’t. Maybe a bit of gratitude that someone would do something like that for her. “I’m going to worry regardless,” she mumbled against Bex’s shoulder once she finally managed to not be so choked up. She took a shaky breath, trying desperately to not cry anymore. It didn’t really matter if Bex apologized, did it? Just like it didn’t really matter when Mina did it. It still hurt, and, with the ways that things were going, it was still going to happen again, even if neither of them wanted it to.  She leaned back, finally, looking at Bex. “You’re already a part of this world, my world.” A dangerous world, where Mina was just never going to stop worrying, probably. A new kind of worry, deeper that the worry that someone would discover what she was or that she’d fail her duties. “Just… be more careful, please. I’m sorry I yelled, too. I was scared. I’m scared.” It hurt her, too, how much she liked Bex, how much she cared and worried about and would do for her. She didn’t know what to do with it. “I feel the same. And I just want to know that you’re safe.” She breathed in, held it, breathed out. “Okay. Starting now.”

It was a terrible sound, Mina’s shuddering breaths. More terrible so because Bex knew she had been the cause of her tears. And she was aware that Mina’s ribs were still healing, but she held onto her tighter through them because she couldn’t remember another time this had happened. If she’d cried when Bex was bleeding to death in that alley, she hadn’t seen it. Mina’s voice was soft against her shoulder. It was so quiet, so small. Bex dug one of her hands into Mina’s hair as she held her, feeling her shake under her own trembling fingers. “I know,” she mumbled back. And this was just how it was going to be, for both of them, wasn’t it? No amount of worrying or promising or fighting was going to change any of it. One day, one of them wouldn’t come home, and then what? She held on tighter at the thought, reluctant to let go when Mina leaned back. “I’ll be more careful,” she reassured. She could do that. She could try. She wasn’t sure she could stop herself if another hunter went after Mina. “And I’m safe. See?” She brushed the hand in Mina’s hair down her cheek. “I’m safe.” And tired and her head felt heavy and she could still taste copper in her throat, but she was safe. “I’m here with you.”

All Mina wanted to do was ask Bex to promise to never hurt herself like that again. It was bad enough to worry about possessed dolls and falling houses and out of control werewolves. Those were things that were outside of Bex’s control. But this was her own power that was hurting her, and Mina knew she wasn’t worth that. She wasn’t worth the hurt. But she also knew that she couldn’t ask Bex to do that. Because it would take away Bex’s will. Because she wouldn’t like the answer. Really, she knew this was something that wasn’t going to stop, not really. She saw the look in Bex’s eyes, the more she learned about magic, about the supernatural. And Mina couldn’t fault her for that, as much as it pained her to think about. Maybe this was why her dad had never gotten attached to anyone; it was reckless to give so much of yourself to a person so quickly, especially when there was the risk that someone could probably die at any given moment. She felt stupid. She felt weak. She pressed her cheek into Bex’s hand before turning her head and kissing her palm. “You look tired,” she murmured. 

Bex wished she could know what was going on behind Mina’s big, hazel eyes-- she probably could, she realized, but she would never do that to Mina. Never invade her mind like that. Her eyes were still puffy around the edges and blotches of skin had turned red around her cheeks as well. “You really are an ugly crier,” she murmured, brushing her thumb over her cheek as she kissed her palm. “Your poor face.” She leaned forward and pressed her lips gently to Mina’s cheek, letting her hand fall down to find Mina’s and tangle their fingers. “I am,” she admitted, words soft as her breath. “I’m so tired.” And she was so tired of it all, not just because of what had happened. She was tired of worrying and wondering and panicking, just hoping that the next day wouldn’t bring disaster. She thought by doing this she could’ve prevented all that, but she’d just made it all happen, hadn’t she? Master of her own design, and all that. Cause of her own fate. She rubbed her eyes one last time, wiping away the last of the tears that had caked onto her cheeks. “Do you…” she started as she glanced back at the bed, “...do you want to lay with me? I-- understand if not. I think I need to...rest for a bit, though. I feel like I might pass out.” And she hoped what she’d done hadn’t changed anything, and worried, suddenly, that it had.

Mina managed to choke out a laugh. “You don’t have to comment on it, you know. This is why I don’t cry a lot.” But it made it seem less serious that way, like this wasn’t that bad, like they hadn’t been yelling at each other minutes before. And Mina had never gotten into a screaming match about being worried, of all things. Mina had never really gotten into a screaming match with anyone at all. At least she couldn’t feel the telltale prickle of scales across her skin. She was getting better about that, at least, more in control. Sometimes, more recently, it almost felt natural, switching between both forms. She didn’t really know how she felt about that; it was weird, with the hunter attacking her, to feel like she was becoming more and more Fae. She did, however, like that she didn’t constantly feel like she was about to go inhuman every time she was on the verge of being overwhelmed, which was all the time. She definitely felt overwhelmed, sitting there with Bex. Still, Mina nodded her head and squeezed Bex’s hand. “Yes, I want to,” she said. She wasn’t going to sleep. She was exhausted, but her mind was too wired, too stressed for her to even consider leaving. And she was upset, still, but she wasn’t upset with Bex. Or, at least, she was upset with the idea of Bex doing something ridiculously stupid, all because of Mina. She didn’t want that. She didn’t think she’d ever get Bex to realize that. She stood, instead, tugging on Bex gently with her good hand. “I want to stay.” And she’d brace herself if Bex started to fall forward, if she couldn’t make it to the bed. She’d stopped crying. She’d stopped shaking. She could be stable enough for both of them.

“Oh, but I do,” Bex said, laughing herself, though it was choked in her throat through the rumble of tears that still threatened to come. “If I’m the pretty crier, then you’re the ugly one. We compliment each other.” It was a tease, mostly, to try and lighten what had just happened between them. Bex didn’t yell a lot, if ever. Her parents yelled. They yelled and screamed and hurt, and she’d never wanted to be like that, but the anger that had built inside her stomach-- had been building, since Mina was first attacked a week ago, by that selkie-- had overwhelmed her, even in the presence of Mina. And she was afraid of it. Afraid of herself. Afraid of what she’d done, but she couldn’t understand that yet. She couldn’t. She wanted so much to believe she couldn’t be like them. She wasn’t them. Shaking still, she stood on jello knees and tried not to lean too much on Mina, hands still clasped together. It felt the same and yet all different. She wanted to cry again. She didn’t. She walked over to the bed and yanked her shoes off and her jacket and she almost wanted to pull her jeans off, too, but that felt like too much effort for arms that had simply dissolved into a numb tingle. Her fingers burned. She remembered how it felt, taking his memories from him, it was still in the skin of her hands. She swallowed and looked at Mina. She had nothing left to say. She needed to think of something to say. Instead, she saw flashes of the hunter’s memories, burned into the back of her eyes. “You know you can cry whenever you need to, around me,” she said quietly, reaching back over to brush her thumb over Mina’s cheek. “I don’t mind if it’s ugly. Not everything has to be pretty. And, for what it’s worth,” she tried to smile, crooked and tired, “I think you’re still beautiful.”

“You’re bruising the little amount of ego that I have,” Mina said, but she managed a smile. It was nice that Bex was teasing her, even if there wasn’t much heart to it, even if they were both not really in a teasing mood. She could hear it in Bex’s voice, still. Neither of them had their heart in it. But that didn’t change that Mina still wanted to be there, with Bex. She couldn’t really imagine anything changing that anymore. She sat on the bed and waited for Bex, tightening the wrap on her wrist. It was throbbing a bit, not so much hurting as it was aching. It was fine. She was fine. When Bex put her hand on Mina’s cheek, she leaned into it again. She wondered how a person went about ripping memories from the mind, what it entailed, if it hurt. She imagined that it hurt. “I know I can.” And she did. Theoretically. But she also knew that she couldn’t cry, shouldn’t cry, had no real reason to cry. She felt almost, but not quite, embarrassed about crying so much in the first place, as if someone was going to appear and call her weak or give her something to actually cry about. She hadn’t cried over bloody broken ribs. Why had she cried over someone caring enough to hurt someone for her? She felt a bit ridiculous. Still, she moved forward and pressed a kiss to Bex’s cheek. “I appreciate that. Lay down before you pass out, please.”

Bex softened just a little as Mina pressed into her palm. Despite everything that had come after, it had been worth it, she decided, because she got this. Maybe next time, she could get to them before there were any broken wrists or ribs or cuts or burns. Maybe she could spare Mina the pain. That was all she wanted, really. To spare her that pain. Any pain, all the pain. She’d take it, if she could. She wished there was magic in the world that let her take Mina’s pain for herself. She wished she had been given healing magic instead of dream magic or mental magic. But wishes, she’d been reminded, didn’t always come true. Not a single star she’d wished on as a child had ever come true. Her lesson had been that, if she wanted something done, she had to do it herself. And so she would. She would fight to keep Mina, for as long as possible. Just a little longer, just a little more time. She let out a long breath as Mina’s lips pressed to her cheek. She wondered if it was still salty from her tears as she leaned back at her behest, and tugged-- gently-- on her good arm to follow her down. She didn’t know if she deserved to be able to hold her tonight, but she wanted to. She couldn’t sleep if she wasn’t in Mina’s arms, even as exhausted as she was. She nestled close, but kept a small distance, in case Mina didn’t want to be too close. Her red palm stuck out between them, and she turned it away, clenching the sheets. “Is this okay?” she asked quietly. 

“Of course it’s okay,” Mina said, and she closed the distance between them, careful not to disturb Bex’s injured hand, before wrapping an arm around the younger girl. “I-- I’d like to-- I mean, it’s nice to know you’re here. I like being able to tell that you’re here.” She liked that she could feel the heat of Bex’s skin through her clothes, and she liked that she could hear the sound of Bex’s breathing as she fell asleep. She liked how solid this was, how grounding, and how this was always the best sleep she got, being next to Bex, in or out of the water. There wasn’t any way that this wouldn’t be okay, to her. She wasn’t mad at Bex, not about what she’d done, not really. She was scared and worried and so panicky that it could make her sick, but she wasn’t mad. And she was feeling better about being scared and worried and panicked. At least, she felt that she was doing better at keeping that to herself as she kept her breathing even, her heartbeat slowed, her eyes soft. All the negatives only existed in her mind, at this point. Mina couldn’t lie with her words, but at least she didn’t have to constantly wear her thoughts on her sleeve. “Please rest, Bex. I promise I’ll still be here when you wake up.” Still awake, too, but that hardly mattered. She didn’t think she was going to sleep for a while. 

“I’m here,” Bex said, grateful when Mina moved closer and tucked her in tight. That was where she wanted to be, anyway. After everything they’d said, Bex wasn’t sure she would fit in right, but it was so obvious that she did. That nothing could change that now. She found herself so quietly surprised at the thought, letting her breath slow as she tried to calm her pounding heart. The ache in her muscles dragged her eyes closed as she lifted her hand to bury her fingers into the cloth of Mina’s shirt, resting against her. She could hear her heartbeat. Steady and rhythmic, like the ticking of a clock. If Mina was still upset or worried or anxious, her heart did not give her away. Sometimes Bex wished it would. Sometimes Bex wished she would just let herself feel. The promise settled into her chest. She didn’t need her to promise that, though. She knew. She knew she’d be there when she woke, because she always was. Even after the yelling. “I’m here,” Bex repeated, even as she felt herself drifting away to sleep. She wanted Mina to know. She was there. She was safe. They were okay. They could be okay.

[tomdiddlyumptious]

Can u do a Tom Holland x black actress reader( plays black cat ) has to dye hair silver they are costars in ffh now they are in Spider-Man 3 and they were fwb and now there filming Spider-Man 3 ( they all live in the same house ) and she gets pregnant but ends up having a miscarriage 🥺 and she only tells one person ( zendaya ) and z accidentally tells Tom and he goes crazy on set and security has to get him and he starts yelling at you he gets heated maybe ending in fluff.

THIS IS NOT MY BEST WORK BUT I DID TRY! THANK YOU FOR THE ASK- REQUESTS ARE CLOSED BECAUSE I ONLY HAVE ONE MORE-

Summary: oof

Warnings: fighting, 🔴TW MISCARRIAGE🔴 (bleeding, stomach pains) flushing toilets, people who thought wrong, crying, snapping, fluff, NOT PROOF READ- SORRY I DONT HAVE ANY OTHER PICS THIS IS SOOO LONG- FOR WHY?

You smiled as you looked at the test, thinking about having a child, until you thought about how Tom would feel. You bit your lip as you wrapped the test in toliet paper and threw it in the trash, you stood up and lifted your underwear and pants, very much excited and you washed your hands smiling to yourself in the mirror, you exited the bathroom and laid down with Tom again, he wrapped his arms around your waist “morning” he whispered, kissing your nose. “Morning” you smile, kissing his lips as he was to lazy to kiss back.

“I’m kinda hungry, I’m gonna go in the kitchen” “alright” he he let you go and you went to the kitchen, finding zendaya with the milk in her hand. “Hey” she smiled. “Hi” you shyly said. “What’s going on?” She asked, confused at your words, you quickly sat down next to her. “Well I know you don’t know this so don’t say anything, but I’m pregnant-“ “and who’s the dad?” You sighed before anwsering “Tom”. Her mouth fell agape as she overfilled the bowl and started flowing out. “I- what?” She whispered. “Toms the father” you whispered.

“Do you think he’d be happy?” She says, putting the milk down. “I don’t know” you shrugged. “I’m hoping that he will be-“ “good morning!” Haz says walking in looking at you both as you waved. “Welp we have work soon, we need to dye your hair” “then let’s do it at home!” You smiled, zendaya and haz looking at you as if your crazy. “Do you wanna be bald?” Harrison asked. “Shut up I trust you guys” “but we don’t trust ourselves”

You and Tom had a bond that nobody had, it’s nice honestly, you both started to be fwb whenever, I forgot so I can’t tell you. You killed the audition, had the perfect body, you were just perfect, you and zendaya became instant best friends, Jacob embarrassed himself infront of you which made you bond and haz and you got an emotional connection pretty fast.

“ITS BURNING!” you yelled, turning on the cold water and putting your head under it. “God dammit y/n I told you we shouldn’t have done this” Harrison rolls his eyes. Tom helps you rinse it out, massaging your scalp as he silently laughed at you “if you end up bald we still love you” he commented. “Don’t even Tom” you rolled your eyes, butterflies in your stomach.

It went magnificent! You flat ironed your hair as everyone high fives at their work dancing around you as you moved your waist. You and the rest of the crew went to your dressing rooms, Tom came to yours to get dressed with you. “You look amazing” he complamented, you look at yourself in the mirror, smiling to yourself as you told him thank you, he came behind you and gave a squeeze to your boobs as you let out a shriek. “Ow!” You say grabbing them. “Did I squeeze to hard? What- I squeeze you the same all the time!” He panicked, wondering why your boobs were so tender. “It’s fine they just hurt” you waved it off. “Why?” He asked, “I’m gonna start my period soon” you lied, he nodded at you and ask you to zip him up which you did.

“Alright!” The set manager says, you got ready, on a fake roof about to flip down. “And-“ the person snapped the take part and it was your time to shine.

Black cat flipped down meeting. “Peter Parker is it?” She asked hands behind her back as she walked around Spider-Man. “No- I’m Spider-Man” “stop lying, your boring me already” she said, rolling her eyes. “You sound like someone familiar- Felicia?” He asked, looking at her. “Peter?” She laughed.

“This doesn’t make any sense, your nice!” “And this isn’t nice? Sometimes being nice doesn’t get you anywhere” “look at where it got me!” He yelled raising his arms up like he’s a big shot. “You suck man” she only said. He webbed her hand a punched her in the stomach, making her groan and swipe his feet, climbing ontop of him and starting to claw his face,

“And scene!” You rolled off of him and next to him “nice job” you said. “Pound it” he whispered, raising his fist which you agreed, you gave him a fist bump.

As the week went by you got mood swings, you and Tom hasn’t had sex because you were to fragile, you were currently laying down with zendaya on your phone, silently chatting through text messages. You stomach started to cramp, slowly, as it turned into severe stomach pain, “fuck!” You shouted, holding your stomach. Zendaya placed her phone down as she looked at you “what’s wrong?” “Shit shit shit!” You screamed, clutching your stomach tightly, falling off the bed, holding onto the sheets with your free hand. “Y/n talk to me! What’s wrong?” Tears filled down your face “I-I don’t know- OW!” You sobbed as your stomach cramped more, looking down at your white leggings and seeing blood leaking out of it, zendaya quickly came out of bed and looked at your figure, taking your hand and pulling you to the bathroom, she helped you pull down your pants and your underwear, a bloody mess as you continued to cry, stomach to cramped to even sit down on the toliet.

“I can’t zendaya” you cried, “you have to sit down y/n, use the bathroom” you sat down on the toliet, pushing out something, it didn’t feel like you were pooping, it felt like something slipped out. You gasped as you tried making it leave out of you, squeezing zendayas hands for support as you cried more. “Zendaya?” You asked weakly. “Yes” she replied, worried about you. “Something doesn’t feel right” you looked in the toliet and so did zendaya, finding something in there, someone in there. You closed your legs and weeped, “my baby” you whispered, to desvesistated to talk out loud you didn’t let go of the word baby so quickly, zendaya fell down to her knees and hugged you, hearing your loud cries, sobs, just begging for air, for hope, like that wasn’t what just came out of you. “Zendaya-“ you sobbed “my- my baby” she only hugged you tighter. She started to cry with you, her face in your neck as you cried weakly, the blood in the toliet and the loss of your child. “I’m so sorry- I’m so sorry” she repeated, you held onto her, or at least trying to, your hands shaking as you sucked in your lip. She kissed your cheek on repeat, holding on to you so tight as you were shocked, everything went so fast, only a week past, you couldn’t even comprehend what just happened. It all went down to your stomach, your fear, your anxiety, it was all quaking.

You pushed zendaya away as you threw up in the shower right next to it, almost choking on it, you tried to breath and zendaya helped, “count-count y/n” she reminded you, she counted with you, slowly in and out as you calmed down. “Do you wanna flush?” She asked quietly. “Yeah” you sighed, you got up, pulling up your pants and looking at the small, very small body, you swallowed and zendaya took your hand, signaling you aren’t alone, your shaking hand heastantly flushed the toliet, she pulled you in for a tight hug. “Your gonna take a bath, I’m gonna clean you up and we won’t talk about it”she whispered. “I have to clean it up” “no I will, just go ahead on your room and I’ll set you up for a bath” she whispered. You let her go slowly and made quickly made way to your room, it was no one their but you and zendaya but that’s embarrassing.

You swallowed thickly as you waited for zendaya, mentally counting and zendaya came in, turning on your bath and running it to a tempeture, a nice one. “Hey can you clean yourself up before you get in the bath?” She asked and you nodded, taking care of yourself as zenday stood outside waiting for you. “I’m ready” you whispered, but loud enough for zendaya to hear, you went inside the bathtub, hugging your legs and resting your head on your knees. Zendaya grabbed a wash cloth, dipping it in the water and gently runner it over your back. “I know your not okay but if you need something I’m here, I’m right here” she reminded you, you only nodded as silent tears ran down your face. She continued to rinse you off, taking her time, she rinsed your hair, droplets falling down in the water. You both heard the alarm, someone coming in.

“Take your time, I’ll be right back” she dropped the towel in the water, gonna go see who it is. She left and you sat there, tears still strolling down your face “out of everyone it had to be me” you whispered, crossing your arms as you looked at the ceiling. Maybe this is what you get, maybe this is what you deserve, at least that’s what you thought. Everything happens for a reason? What reason? You quietly cried, covering your mouth to not make any noise. “Y/n?” Zendaya asked, coming in the bathroom. “Yeah?” You whispered. “He wants to see you, I didn’t tell him, he just wants to say hi, I tried to tell him that your doing something important but he says he’s gonna come up here himself soon” she whispered, sniffling. You nodded and she handed you your robe, getting up slowly and holding onto zendaya for support again, stepping out as she looked away, you put on the robe and zendaya said she’ll take care of it again, you put your hair in a bun.

You grabbed a towel to dry your legs and your arms, slowly making your way down you saw Tom, smiling at you and wrapping his arms around your shoulders. “Hiii” he said, rocking you side to side and laughing, but you couldn’t, you just held onto him tighter. “What’s wrong?” He asked, you only started to cry right infront of him, you couldn’t help it, he was clueless. “Nothing” you said. “Ohhh your on your period, I forgot about that, I’ll cuddle you if that’s what you want..” he smiled and you nodded, giving a weak smile. He set his stuff down and grabbed your hand to pull you to his room, you sat on the bed as he took off his shirt and pants, shoes and socks, and laid down with you, taking you into his arms silently, holding you tighter and kissing your forehead, comforting you.

Zendaya opened the door to say something to Tom, not knowing that you were their, from her point of view it looked as if you both were crying and holding onto each other, she closed the door and moved on with her day, she still wants to be there for you but you and Tom need your space.

“Has y/n changed to you?” Tom asked zendaya, both in their suits and outfit. “I mean yeah but we both know why, she’s going through a traumatic period” Tom was confused. “What why?” “What do you mean why... she had a miscarriage- the same day she started crying- I thought she told you-“ zendaya stopped middle sentence “fuck” she whispered. “What the fuck are you talking about zendaya?” He asked, harshly. “Nothing” zendaya remained silent. “So your telling me she had a fucking miscarriage and kept it a secret for two weeks?” Tom said, mostly to himself. “Don’t be hard on her, she’s in a depressing state Tom” zendaya sighed, looking down. “How am i- you know what” he turned around to you, across the room on your phone leaning against the wall, he walked up to you.

“Why the fuck would you tell me” he whispered. “What?” you asked, looking at him. “Why the fuck wouldn’t you tell me?” Tom repeated, getting impatient. “What are you talking about?” You asked, turning off your phone and looking up at him, in fear. “Fuck- look I’m trying to be quiet with you” he banged his fist on the wall next to your head, your eyes started to water. “What are you talking about Tom?” You ask again. “Stop playing dumb!” He said harshly, causing attention to both of you. You jumped “Tommy what are you talking about?” You try to calm him down by placing a hand on his cheek, but he slapped it away, pure hatred filled his eyes. “Don’t fucking Tommy me!” He yelled and you jumped again, the tears falling down your cheeks know, his lips in a tight line. “Why the fuck. Wouldnt you. Tell. Me” you only stayed silent, he banged the wall again screaming at you, ‘why wouldn’t you tell me’ ‘for two weeks? You sat here for two weeks!’’

You tried backing up but you were against the wall, the security grabbed one of his arms while another latched on his other one. He just kept screaming at you, looking in his eyes as tears started to fall down his cheeks, trying to lunge at you, get an answer out of you, you feel down the wall as Tom was backed out, know falling to his knees “y/n, why would you tell me?” He whispered desperate. “I’m so sorry” you said crying in your arms as Harrison came over to you, soon zendaya to. “What happened?” Haz asked, you only cried more, slightly choking on your spit. Just repeating ‘I’m so sorry’ as Tom still tried to reach out to you.

As time passed they got you out of there, and into the house, you sat there in your room, Harrison and zendaya talking outside, crying and crying, your eyes stung and your tears hot, lips dry, sniffling trying to not cry anymore but it was forcing itself out of you. Zendaya stepped in and Harrison followed, sitting next to you and a head on each of your shoulders, you chewed on your lip. “Tom didn’t know what he was thinking, you are okay I promise he won’t hurt you anytime”

Haz whispered to you, rubbing your back as you slowly calmed down. “Out of everyone it was me, I-I don’t know why, I deserve it don’t I? I shouldn’t have anything” “no don’t say that” zendaya shut you up. “Don’t talk down about yourself, it isn’t healthy” “well having a miscarriage isn’t either, but that still happened” “it’s common y/n, your gonna be okay, next time it’ll work” Harrison reassures, smiling up at you and you nodded. Your lip quivered, “what do I say? How do I make it up to him? I kept it for two weeks” you whispered. “Would he ever wanna see me again? We were never together in the first place” you sighed. “He’s gonna be so happy to see you” zendaya said, rubbing your back. “You don’t know th-that” “yes I do, isn’t that right Harrison?” “She always knows, she’s like the writer of our lives, we she made us, it’s true” Harrison laughed, making you silently chuckle. “Seeeee!” Zendaya smiled.

“She didn’t tell me though” Tom said, beer on the coffee table. “How was she supposed to idiot! Oh hi Tom by the way I had a miscarriage” he faked your voice. “Yes! Exactly like that” Tom rolled his eyes. “You have no right to tell someone what to do with their lives, that’s not okay” Harry snapped. “Two weeks? Two fucking weeks! Try that! I could’ve been with her! We could’ve tried again, I was gonna be a father” he sadly sighed. “We could’ve went through it together-“ “your being selfish” “how?” “Who’s the one who carries the baby?” Harry asked, Tom hesitantly said “her” “who’s the one who can actually go through depression?” “Her” he whispered. “Exactly, so stop acting like your the victim when really she is” Tom only swallowed and took the beer for a sip. “Don’t talk to her, give her her time but don’t ignore her either” Harry gave the solution and Tom nodded, dreaming about it for a minute. “Buy her something, like a basket of something” he shrugged.

“I was gonna be a dad Harry” he whispered, biting his lip. “I know that, but somethings aren’t just meant to be” Tom looked at Harry and eyed him from his seat. “How are you gonna tell me it’s not fuckin meant to be? You don’t know shit, I’ll have a child with her one day, no matter how many times I have to fuck her, bust in her, I don’t care, fuck off” he scolded, picking up the beer and walking into the kitchen “thanks for the advice, I’ll put it into some good use” he mumbled, throwing the bottle away as Harry just shrugged as he watched Tom grab his keys and his coat, leaving out the door.

He was gonna give you your space while he bought a few things for you, including essentil oils, daisies, and a type writer with a huge pack of paper for it. He told the people he wasn’t really feeling the best and he had something to really take care of, which they really respected. He took his time driving home, not knowing what to say, he just won’t say anything he guessed.

You were slowly eating your food, haz made you a fruit bowl with some chocolate on the side, nothing to big but a little to make you feel better, you zoned out and z looked out you. “You think she’s ever gonna get past this?” She asked, haz shrugged “I mean she needs support” “it’s my fault though” she looked at haz. He raised his eyebrows at her. “I- I accidently told him, I thought he already knew” she looked down is disappointment. “Then it isn’t your fault, you didn’t know” haz shrugged as zendaya let out a soft sigh, biting her lip as she laid down taking in the silence.

The door opened slowly but the alarm gave it away, Tom walked in, his black shoes stepping in first. You jumped a bit looking infront of you and finding Tom, your anxiety raised through the roof, your hands shaking as you let go of the fruit. “Hey” he said, two bags in his hand as he walked past all of you and went to your room, setting them down. When he came back down he slowly walked to you, not saying any words as you got up and sat in the seat farthest from him, leaving the fruit there, he sighed and only came closer, holding out his hand for you to take, you looked at his hand then at him, what would he do? How does he feel? All these thoughts went through your head, what if’s, what nots. “Please?” He whispered, you swallowed. Putting your hand in his, he lifted you up and traced you to your room.

When you made it you started to speak. “I-“ he cut you off by his hand over your mouth, trying to take off your shirt as you looked at him confused, he only tugged softly, you raised your arms and he pulled it up and over your head, throwing it on the floor, he unbuckled your pants pulling them down, you took out your legs and covered yourself, although you were covered and he’s seen you before, but know it was just different, everything changed. He started to take off his clothes, once he was finished he closed the door and went to your blinds, closing them. He walked up to you and took your hand away, holding onto it and pulling you to your bed, you looked at him and he looked at you, pure silence but you know what he wanted, you laid down and he did infront of you, pulling your hand around his waist.

You both just breathed, his hand holding your wrist and your head on his back, legs under his. His back started to lift and drop as he exhaled roughly, you kissed his back. He broke down. Tears falling down his cheeks as he silently sniffled, you went over him, laying infront of him and he pulled you closer, hugging tightly as hips pressed his forehead to yours. You brushed your hands on his arm, his tears not stopping as he bit his lip, looking at you he shook his head a little. “I’m so sorry” he whispered weakly, and to that you wrapped your leg around his leg, your arm circled around his neck as he continued to cry in your chest, you kissed his head as silent tears ran down your face, looking at the picture of you both in your night stand, his body shaking from him crying and his rough and cold hands holded onto your back, “it’s okay, we can try again” you whispered “we can try again” you repeated, he looked up at him and nodded softly “do you wanna be together? Do you actually want a kid? We’ve only been friends with benefits, we can’t just bring a kid to the table... right?” He mumbled, his voice hoarse.

“Only if you want to” “I do” you nodded at him, agreeing and he hid back in your chest, taking in your scent and how comforting it is. It’s surprising, weren’t you the one who had the miscarriage? Why were you holding him? It didn’t matter, at least you had each other. You both dreamed of it for a while, being together, a small kid in the middle of you both while you sleep, Christmas and how he’d be glowed up to see aunt and uncle zendaya and haz, or even god parents. But the main picture was you two, as long as you to are together nothing can go wrong, he took his hand and brought it to yours, playing with it silently and holding onto it, looking up to you and finding you already asleep, he kissed your lips and squeezed your hand, tired himself.

[intrulogical]

logan’s spotify playlist analysis

just a few (not really) thoughts i’ve garnered from the logan spotify playlist. fair warning, i have not heard of any of these songs before so i can be incorrect in interpreting some of the lyrics but hey, i’m trying my best, give ya girl a chance. i’ll also analyze the songs in order. summaries of my interpretations for each song is near at the end of the post! if you want to add anything, feel free to reply or reblog with your addition!

(one note, i won’t analyze the other sides’s playlist. i only did this because logan is my favorite, but if you want another analysis, i might do remus only if he gets one.) 

big thanks to the logang discord who talked to me about the spotify playlist and my friend jana for proofreading this and letting me ramble to them! the analysis is below the cut. word count: 8300.

edit: apparently two songs aren’t available in my country, so i wasn’t able to see them right away to be added on this analysis. please check this post for the analysis of the songs what i do for u and the watchtower.

reblogging is highly appreciated!!! i worked rlly hard on this!!

tw: lots of logan angst, mentions of repression of emotions, mentions of lack of self esteem, and there’s a mention of suicide/depresion at the song “one more time with feeling” but i’ll mention it on the bullet so you know which part to skip!

the description of the playlist written by logan is interesting: “I was impelled to compile this selection of songs. I don’t entirely understand some of the lyrics, but I still found them compelling. Listen, or don’t.” the “listen, or don’t” part really suggests many things. one idea you can gain from that is that logan is probably ashamed of the songs he selected, even if he liked them, because it could be dubbed as “childish” but another thought i got is that the playlist confesses a lot of logan’s insecurities and personal issues, which might make him hesitant to present this to us because he’s not used to expressing himself and is probably scared of what others may think of him.

moreover, logan admitting he didn’t understand some of the lyrics sound a bit like a lie to me. while some songs could be difficult to understand without the lyrics, they all connect to something about logan, and to me, it’d make more sense that logan is hesitating to admit that some lyrics resonate with him because the lyrics connect to his personal identity/issues and he is definitely covering it up by saying he just vibes with the song’s aesthetic.

starting off, the elements by tom lehrer gives us the general idea about logan. he’s smart, he’s intelligent, he probably knows a lot more than what thomas knows which is weird but it works because it’s logan. 

additionally, i just found out on genius.com that the song was meant to introduce the elements of the periodic table to an audience with a catchy tune so it can be remembered easily. this could imply that when thomas is learning something rather difficult, logan’s there to find different ways to teach thomas the lesson which thomas can easily adapt to. 

white & nerdy by “weird al” yankovic is one of the few songs in logan’s playlist that’s in the form of a rap. before we dive into this song, i’d like to mention that logan picking very fast-paced songs are very interesting because i feel like raps and fast-paced songs resemble logan’s thought process. like remus, i feel like logan has an influx of thoughts and ideas that run across his head at any given time. fast songs could easily represent how much logan is thinking because raps can easily inform listeners about a lot of ideas and thoughts in one quick moment.

anyway, back to white & nerdy, first thing’s first: logan is an absolute nerd, but he also wants to be perceived as cool. this song practically screams “tryhard nerd is trying to be hip with the kids” and logan could probably relate to that on a spiritual level.

lyrics that probably stand out from this song would be the “I wanna bowl with the gangstas / But, oh well, it's obvious I'm white and nerdy” which is repeated throughout the song with the verbs changed in every chorus. “They see me strollin', they laughin' / And rollin' their eyes 'cause I'm so white and nerdy” could imply that the way logan is trying to be “cool” is failing because no matter what, everyone will still see him as a “nerd” above all else. because of this, it’s hard for him to relate and communicate with the other sides because the way he expresses himself could be something perceived as weird to the other sides. logan is just that different with the others, maybe you can suggest he’s the odd one out.

(this is probably also why in dwit, when he was called “cool”, he let out a disbelieving noise. he just wants to be seen as cool while also being himself and in dwit, he achieved that. the flashcards logan uses across the series is supposed to make him look “cool” but in dwit, he didn’t use any of that at all, being himself throughout the episode, and at the end, he was finally called “cool” for being himself.)

also, this may be a stretch, but if the other sides are supposed to be the “gangstas” he wants to roll with, that also can imply that logan doesn’t think lowly of the other sides. rather, he thinks of them as cool as well, and he wants to be just like them.

algorhythm by childish gambino is a very interesting song and a song that might be a bit difficult to understand (poor me with my bilingual problems) but an interesting take i found on genius.com helped me understand the context of the song. i will explain the song first before discussing how it connects to logan because this song is so smart. the song’s verses display apprehension as many of the lyrics question the validity of humanity and our society. the verses are intentionally distorted and inaudible because these statements oppose what could be deemed as acceptable in the society. the reason it is portrayed this way is because the person is afraid to be the odd one out in a society who thinks otherwise, despite how correct this one person is while the rest of the society isn’t. the chorus, while it could be perceived as something fun, talks about how majority of the society would choose to be ignorant about what is truly happening in our society and they would often follow whatever is popular, trendy, or fun; that is what the “algorhythm” really means. the chorus demands us to follow whatever is being said, to move our body exactly how society expects us to move. we follow the pattern that society deems is good, no matter how many problems still persist in the society. that is why the chorus is the most audible part of the song, why be hesitant when whatever you’re doing is something that the society loves doing as well? the song repeats “the algorhythm is perfect, mmh” twice, and it is expressed by the person who is having questioning thoughts about the algorhythm. this implies that no matter what, you will succumb to whatever society demands of you, and anything, especially the thoughts of one person against many, would not be able to change that.

now, how does this connect to logan? there are two main things i’d love to discuss: 1.) logan being the odd one of the group as his beliefs and thoughts are often brushed aside as they contradict what the other three core sides believe. and; 2.) while sometimes correct, the other three core sides in certain situations could offer the wrong solutions for problems without knowing they are negatively impacting thomas. logan’s the person questioning the society, the other core sides are the majority who can sometimes be ignorant of what could truly be the best solution for problems that arise, and thomas is the one who blindly follows what the majority presents as solutions, consequently making some of his problems worse. 

now for the first point: logan usually is the most insightful whenever there is a problem that needs to be dealt with. it’s already known that he wants to be listened to so badly, and this song implies that he feels disregarded for thinking differently, even if it’ll benefit thomas immensely. an example would be in dwit wherein patton and virgil wouldn’t stop doubting and cutting him off whenever he tries to help thomas. the song is implying that because of how he is the odd one out in the group, he is starting to become more apprehensive about what he thinks because he feels like he’s wrong most of the time. it implies that he thinks it’d be easier to succumb to what the others think is right rather than to think his own opinions are important. just like in the song, logan is “(Moving how they say so)” because at some point, he gives in to the idea that he is incorrect and wrong, and is beginning to adapt to what the majority thinks is right.

for the second point, i don’t want to suggest i’m berating the other three core sides when in reality, those three are also very important to thomas, but then again, those three aren’t the most flexible when accepting suggestions that come from logan. while the three don’t always agree on certain solutions, they agree more with each other compared to agreeing to solutions suggested by logan. when thomas sees this, he might think that because more sides agree with one idea, maybe it’s better to go with the majority, and that pushes logan away more despite his contributions actually being useful to the group.

okay, this is added last minute because i got the thought really late but i think we should recognize this as the event that pushed logan to start having higher expectations for himself. the previous song shows us he wants to be perceived as cool, but the next song shows us he wants to be perceived as perfect. the problem logan had with himself definitely evolved for the worse and i think this song shows us what pushed logan to be so nitpicky about how un-perfect he is.

fitter happier by radiohead has a very direct message and its connection to logan is the same with the message they are trying to say on its own. this song showcases the high expectations logan has for himself to be the most perfect side for thomas, when in reality, the list of things described in the song ironically doesn’t describe how we can become the “most perfect” human; it describes how we can be the most inhuman thing in the world. if anything, the list of activities only makes us more machine than human, which is why the song is spoken through a robotic voice. the connection to logan is really easy to make here: logan thinks that pushing himself to strictly follow a certain itinerary would be beneficial for him in the hopes that he can be the most perfect version of himself for thomas, when in reality, it’s unrealistic as it only encourages the repression of his negative emotions. moreover, this song implies that logan needs to understand that he is allowed to be free and to make mistakes because no human can ever be perfect. all he’ll end up doing is abuse himself if he continued down this path of repression and strict planning for himself. to be the best version of yourself means it’s okay to make mistakes, and it’s important to learn from them, and if you follow this toxic planning for yourself, you’ll only end up being trapped.

medicine by STRFKR gave me a bilingual headache because this song is kind of difficult to understand, even more than algorhythm. someone in genius.com mentioned that “Never Remember / Your Birthday” is actually wrong, and rather, it should be “ Never Remember / You’re perfect / Or anything you like”. the song itself talks about philosophy, saying you can never be perfect because if you realize that you are perfect, you become egotistical and you lose interest in learning more if you realize you’re “perfect”. logan would never, ever want to lose interest in learning-- that’s his entire being, damnit! logan wouldn’t be a person who’d want to disregard the importance of learning. because of this, the song implies logan recognized  the fact that he can never be perfect, albeit quite hesitantly,  but he still aims to be the best he can be for thomas.

the song states that while we cannot be perfect, we can still be curious and hungry for knowledge, and that would be a good substitute for aiming to be perfect. curiosity is the medicine being talked about in the song, and if logan can’t be perfect, at least he can be curious because in that way, logan can learn, logan can educate himself, and logan would be knowledgeable enough for thomas.

the breach by clipping. implies that logan is the most rational side who knows how to keep everything steady. while i won’t get into details of what the song is about, the song is rapped by a computer white a problem is occuring in the space ship they are in. just like the computer, logan is the side who oftentimes knows the correct approach for any given problem, but tends to complicate how he expresses his statements. i believe this song expresses how analytical logan is and how he requires himself to be the most specific he can be at any given moment. same points that i mentioned earlier could be applied again here: despite how intricate logan can be, the other sides need to listen to him more because whatever he’s saying isn’t just useless jargon. he does make valid statements and the other sides need to listen to him more or else, just like at the end of the song, everything can become utter chaos.

just one more thing to add-- while i am unfamiliar with the album, i read the genius.com annotations for the lyrics and it mentioned that the computer, who is a character in the album, slowly becomes more human-like over the course of the story. in this song, which is the beginning of the album, we can easily interpret the computer as an over-analyzing unemotional machine, but over time, they get to become more human and think past their coding. they get to develop their own emotions and they get to become  something more than a logical device. see a connection with logan? this implies that logan’s arc will involve himself being able to differentiate himself as an individual and himself as logic. while he is thomas’s logic, he needs to allow himself to be his own person and have his own personality. (i wonder how that’ll mix in with the “i’m not perfect enough” problem logan has)

letter c by zach sherwin depicts logan’s frustration from being made fun of. the line “Hey you know the only difference between ‘rap’ and ‘crap?’ It’s the letter C” basically implies that someone told logan that his passions and interests are synonymous to shit. throughout the series, while logan’s passions aren’t directly invalidated, he has been called nicknames often, and also is doubted from time to time whenever he expresses something to the others. but the thing is, teaching others, educating others-- that’s what logan is passionate about, and the fact that a lot of the others are disinterested by what he says would undoubtedly make logan frustrated, like what happens in the song. 

however, logan is not good at comebacks unless it was planned in advanced, but this song gives us a good idea of logan’s thought process whenever he gets insulted. we know he keeps a notebook of everything said to him that is deemed as stupid (embarrassing phases ep i think?) and we can understand that insults really get to him and sticks to him deeply. he overthinks about them; he ponders about them.

other than that, having no comebacks also make logan feel ashamed of himself (which is suggested at the end of the song) because not only would he look stupid to the others, he would also look uncool or un-perfect, and he really doesn’t want to be perceived as either.

galaxy song from monty python  is honestly just adorable. while it is sad to see that logan probably doesn’t seek comfort in other people, he does seek comfort in the stars. he is very passionate about astronomy, and while i doubt thomas took the astronomy class logan desperately wanted him to take, logan still hasn’t given up on astronomy like thomas did. while some might be scared of the idea that we are a mere speck in the universe that extends infinitely, logan is fascinated by it. logan loves knowledge, logan loves learning, and he is very fond of astronomy mostly because the knowledge he can earn is unlimited. additionally, he finds worth in himself because he was born in a universe filled with many stars and planets that he finds fascinating, and i think that’s adorable.

streaks by ANIMA! depict thomas’s and logan’s shared development throughout the years, especially when thomas was still a teenager. while there are many hardships growing up, these hardships were detrimental for thomas to understand himself further, and it is all thanks to logan for helping thomas make sense of everything. here, logan highly values education, thinking of it as a crucial part of thomas’s future. the song suggests that logan has planned for thomas’s future for a very long time, and he is convinced that whatever thomas is going through in school will help benefit logan’s plans for thomas. once thomas left school, particularly college, he has learnt everything he needs for a brighter future. all of this knowledge and development is thanks to logan, and the lines “Throw em in the water / They will sink or float / If you don't then you will never know” speak of the process of how logan was able to gain information and knowledge that thomas would apply for himself in the future. this knowledge isn’t limited to academic knowledge-- it’s about his social life, about his personal self, it’s everything thomas has learned. everything thomas knows now is thanks to logan.

okay but here comes the angst. the line “You're a smart kid, tough kid, but you're still a kid that grew” implies so much. firstly, we can recognize that logan probably has had a long time plan for thomas’s future and his career since he was a teenager, and he expects thomas to follow this plan right after college because he expects that at this point, thomas has fully come to understand himself and he needs to put all this progress and development into good use. what he didn’t expect is that thomas was still developing, still changing, and is still “a kid that grew” despite graduating. as we know, thomas mostly does youtube/theatre for a living, and it probably pained logan that all this planning he has turned out pointless. but even if thomas changed career plans right after college, the chorus repeating again implies that logan is still helping thomas develop. he still makes plans for thomas, he contributes ideas for thomas to place in his videos, and most importantly, he ensures a successful life for thomas, no matter what.

erase me by ben folds five is easily one of the angstiest songs on the playlist. in the song, the singer is trying to sing about a breakup and how their ex treats the singer as worthless. if we want to envision this in logan’s perspective, the song would be talking about the fragile relationship logan has with the other sides. the song describes their home together as “Paper not stone” which implies that their relationship was shaky, was unstable, and it was no surprise for logan that they eventually left him. yea, it wasn’t logan who left, but it was the others. this is implied by the line “And when you pulled your half away”. 

even if it is implied that the others left him first, the song still suggests that logan cares deeply about them. but even if he cares about the others, he questions his worth nonstop, evident in like… the whole song. the song is called “erase me”, so it’s no surprise that logan blames himself in this situation and would even think of himself as the problem. it’s clear in the song that logan still deeply cares about the others, and their opinions on him still affect him gravely. the last line “And if you feel nothing, guess what I wanna be? Nothing.” implies that logan highly considers what the others say towards him, and sometimes would treat it as fact. if the others think nothing of him then maybe, he is nothing. throughout the series, logan has been repeatedly insulted and made fun of and while he becomes defensive, the songs in this playlist show that he does listen to the others and their criticisms of him, and he wants to change himself because of it.

while logan ponders deeply about the insults said to him, the song shows us that the others don’t think much of it. the song actually implies they’ve replaced logan as if he were some utility and acted nothing of it. they don’t realize the emotional pain they’ve inflicted unto logan and he knows this. logan recognizes that they don’t consider his worth. additionally, the line “Go and call the cops now, baby” sort of implies that thomas is also in on this and has heard of what the others said about logan and is siding with the others. 

not only does logan feel incredibly sad by this, it’s obvious that logan is also very angry. he’s angry that the others think of him as useless, he’s angry that the others think he’s replaceable, and while he does listen to their jabs at times, he similarly just wants to prove them wrong. while the line “Erase me” can depict him succumbing to their jeers, this could also be about logan thinking of a way that’ll make the others realize his worth. the lines “We know that you don’t seem to think about what you need ‘til you reach to find that you’ve erased me.” suggests that the others can only understand his worth if logan erases himself completely. while the others pushed him away, they haven’t really erased him completely, but they just simply avoided him. if logan actually is gone, or maybe if he… ducks out, the others might realize what big of a mistake they’ve committed.

(honestly, it also must be frustrating for logan that the only way he can prove his worth is to disappear from the others. is his efforts just not good enough for them?)

also, at this point of the playlist, it is quite evident that logan is not emotionless. he has emotions, but clearly… they aren’t positive ones. many of these songs already tell us of logan’s problems: he isn’t listened to enough, he’s been left behind, he’s frustrated with himself, he wants to appear cool to the others, etc. and what’s worse is that he’s dealing with all these problems alone. one of the reasons he probably is repressing his emotions besides wanting to be “perfect” for thomas is that he does not want to reveal how much negative emotions have flooded him because of the other sides. he doesn’t want the others to be hurt just like how they hurt him.

now, art is dead by bo burnham definitely speaks of logan’s thoughts on art, and how flawed he believes roman and thomas’s artistry is. logan would define art as something you can be passionate about with money never being a factor of how great you are performing. in logan’s opinion, roman’s way of creating art is flawed. he views roman’s passion as something fake. instead of being the artist roman thinks he is, logan thinks of him as someone merely egotistical and selfish, someone who’s immature and craves attention. and while this might be harsh on logan’s part, i also think logan recognizes that this egotistical side roman is showing is most likely fake. in the lines “It’s all an illusion / I’m wearing makeup”, and “My drug’s attention / I am an addict / But I get paid to indulge in my habit”, logan understands that perhaps, roman is hiding under a facade. moreover, logan recognizes the danger behind roman endlessly craving attention from others. logan understands that there is a negative side to roman’s need for attention because roman needs to understand that he is valid even without other people praising him; roman relying on attention to measure his value is only going to ruin himself and his self-esteem. while i think the song has many messages behind it (please god help me because i don’t know how to explain this song well), i think this song discusses how despite loathing roman at some times, he is trying his best to understand him. while some parts downright insult roman, some parts show that logan understands roman is hurting.

another interpretation i’ve got is this song shows logan’s views on thomas becoming an entertainer. he thinks that the career he has now is undignifying and embarrassing. logan expresses that people who are entertainers or artists have stopped creating art because of it being their passion; rather, logan thinks these people do it because it’s a cheap way to earn money quickly. in this way, logan feels like the career he has now is unsatisfying because it all feels like a cheat to him. in the song, they state the unfairness of how rich entertainers are despite being lazy compared to people who work in drugstores, aiming to help people the best they can 24/7 with low pay. another lyrics you can use to describe logan’s frustration with how unsatisfied he is with this lifestyle would be the line “Cause I wanted my name in lights / When I could have fed a family of four / For forty fucking fortnights / Forty fucking fortnights.”. but even if logan feels undignified, he succumbs to the fact that he’s trapped being this kind of artist, but it’s obvious he isn’t too happy about it. 

equation by hans zimmer & camille is unexpectedly depressing. this song is most likely sung from the perspective of a child growing up, overwhelmed by how much they have to learn before they reach adulthood. this entire song depicts a child asking questions which are supposed to make them look “grownup” enough, hoping they are on the right path for a successful future. i think this song depicts the stress logan experienced when thomas was approaching adulthood because everyone practically depended on him for thomas to have a successful life. this acknowledges the only time logan has felt overwhelmed by the influx of knowledge he had to learn just so he can ensure thomas that everything will turn out okay. in the song, the singer asks a lot of questions that could be labelled as something “grownups” would do, which shows us that logan’s need to be professional all stemmed from him wanting to help thomas become successful in the future. but even if logan was able to plan for thomas’s future, there are some parts of the song that imply that logan longs for times he was a child again. it’s just… logan just grew up so fast, everyone relied on him at such a young age, and he never really enjoyed his childhood to the fullest. he wonders where his childhood went, and he patiently waits for the happiness he experiences as a child to come back again. then again, that happiness would never return, would it?

additionally, the lines “Have I made you cross? Have I made you sad? Have I made you proud, Mom?” imply that when logan was growing up, he was, most of the time, alone. he never really confided in others for any problems he had, and he preferred handling everything independently. nobody seemed to pay attention to him anyway, even if he really cares for the other sides. i know it’s been said before but logan really needs to gain more recognition for everything he’s done for thomas, and people really need to listen to him more.

while logan would never admit this now, i do think logan, as a child, was immensely overwhelmed by how much he thinks. just like remus, logan has an influx of thoughts and ideas going through his head, and when he didn’t understand it in the past, he probably wanted all of it to quiet down. his role as logic is tiring, and while logan understood this at a young age, i believe that growing up, he began to normalize this as it happens too frequently over the years, evident by how logan usually acts throughout the series. to this day, logan probably has many experiences where he feels exhausted or stressed, but he intentionally doesn’t tell the others about it because again, he thinks that being this stressed is a normal occurrence.

(this is probably why he doesn’t wanna open up with others in the series. while i think he is repressing emotions intentionally, i feel like sometimes, he just doesn’t admit he is stressed because he shrugs it off as a normal occurrence.)

sunrise from in the heights is one of the more unique songs in the playlist. yes yes i know, as a logince fan i am also screaming internally and externally but i do have a different explanation as to why logan placed this song in his playlist aside from him wanting to be closer to roman. this song displays a moment of someone learning, something logan is quite fond of. while the song displays an educational experience between two characters, it’s also very intimate. logan probably believes that to be able to achieve knowledge, you must disregard your feelings because it’ll only get in the way of learning. but this song shows that our emotions could be a motivator for us to learn. that’s what makes logan like this song. this song fascinates logan because in the song, benny, the guy who can’t speak spanish, is learning spanish because he loves nina, the girl teaching him spanish. it shows him that in learning, having feelings and emotions is completely valid, and it doesn’t restrict learning entirely. 

another thing i’d like to note is that songs like this that show a fascination in learning probably motivate logan to learn more. he is merely fascinated when he sees people being amused by education and learning, hence why he might have a fondness for the song. 

one more time with feeling by regina spektor is… sad. it talks about a patient recovering from their illness and coping with the sadness that comes with it. (tw: suicide/depression, please skip to the next bullet if you are triggered by this.) the illness being spoken about in the song would be depression and this shows us the aftermath of someone committing suicide. while i do not think logan would be depressed or suicidal, i do think the song is suggesting that logan is suffering something, and he thinks it’d be appropriate for himself to… erase himself. this is the second song in the playlist that implies logan would want to disappear because the others neglect him. the line “And the pride inside their eyes would synchronize into a love you’ve never known so much more than you’ve been shown” implies that the other sides will finally acknowledge logan if and only if he erases himself, duck out.

we can fully establish at this point that logan represses a lot of his emotions and the other sides know it too. the others, clearly evident in lntao, tries to help logan to stop repressing his emotions, but they aren’t really successful in teaching him. i think it’s mostly because the sides are being sympathetic rather than empathetic, and the sides think that their way of accepting their emotions would be a helpful way for logan to understand his emotions too. but the thing they don’t realize is that maybe, logan isn’t like them, and he can’t use the same ways they use because frankly, it doesn’t work. now, where in the song does this get implied? The lines “You thought by now you’d be so much better than you are / You thought by now they’d see that you had come so far.” suggests that logan did consider the advice of the other sides at some point. he tried to accept his emotions like the others said, he really thought that he might be able to get over his issues. but the wording of the song is really interesting because it says “You thought--” as if the person thought it would work, but it didn’t. additionally, the chorus at the end could be thought of as the advice logan is receiving from the other sides. but the lyrics “Hold on / One more time with feeling / Try it again, breathing’s just a rhythm” implies that the advice he’s getting isn’t working for him. it didn’t work for him, but he’s trying again because he doesn’t doubt the other sides, and if that doesn’t work, he’s trying again. then, the lyrics say, “Say it in your mind, until you know that the words are right.” which is a much more cynical line because they’re implying that if their advice doesn’t work, then logan just needs to try harder until it’s ingrained in his brain. the last line, “This is why we fight” could have a double meaning. one might think this is about fighting your inner demons to eventually overcome them. but this could also mean that the advice logan is receiving from the others isn’t working, and the fact that they push their advice so much unto him would be the reason why the sides and logan fight. in this sense, the lyric could mean “This, the uneffective advice I receive from you, is the reason why you (the others) and I (Logan) fight.”. to cut this short, the other sides need to be more empathetic in trying to understand logan’s issues because so far, all they’ve been doing is make assumptions for logan’s problems and offer solutions that might only work for themselves. for them to be able to help logan, they must put themselves in his shoes and understand logan better, or else they might just end up damaging him.

now, i do have a less depressing interpretation of this song which completely contradicts the last bullet point but i wanted to mention it because it made sense to me. while i did imply that the chorus could have some malicious intent behind it, we can also look at it in a positive light. this song in the playlist is the only one where we see logan possibly getting comforted by the other sides, and that would make sense seeing that the songs after this one would be about logan accepting himself for who he is. so, if we think of this song as the sides finally reaching out for logan, we can assume that at some point in the series, logan will reveal every problem he has to the other sides. at this point, instead of neglecting him, the sides are showing him love that he’s never seen before because they finally understand logan. sadly, their love and comfort would only be given only if they realize how bad logan is hurting, but at least he’s finally receiving the love that he desperately wanted.

in my mind by amanda palmer speaks of a topic similar to the songs medicine and fitter, happier because it sings about perfection. at this point, we can safely assume that logan is obsessed with precision and perfection, and he has aimed to be perfect for thomas for a very long time. problem is, he doesn’t realize how much he’s beating himself up from trying to achieve his perfect self. however, this song is the first one in the playlist which shows logan accepting that he can’t be perfect, and the person he is now is good enough for him and for the others. yes, medicine implies logan understands he cannot be perfect, but the song didn’t really give us that sense of resolution like this song does. i also think this song perfectly resembles how logan’s arc is going to look like. the song is split into four verses and each verse shows us the different stages of how sometimes, we want to be the perfect version of ourselves, but in the end, we realize we’re good enough for ourselves and for others.

anyway, focusing on the song, the first verse discusses logan’s high expectations for himself. the line “In a future five years from now / I’m a hundred and twenty pounds / And I never get hung over / Because I will be the picture of discipline” definitely shows it. he’s restricting himself because, implied by the lines “Never minding what state I’m in / And I will be someone I admire”, he isn’t satisfied with the person he is at the present. To further add to this, the line “And it’s funny how I imagined / That I would be that person now” explains that at some point, logan thought he was smart enough, he once thought he was “perfect”, but he realized that he wasn’t. he thought that he was enough, but no, something made him realized that he still had many flaws (cough algorhythm cough). the line “Maybe I’ve forgotten how to see / That I’m not exactly the person that I thought I’d be” shows him realizing that he wants to be better, he wants to improve himself. logan definitely has his own insecurities about his worth which makes him want to push himself more. 

verse two has the same implications as the first verse but i do believe it is showing the negative effects of wanting to be perfect more. this shows us logan getting used to controlling himself to strictly do things that he can only label as something that’ll help himself improve. this time, it’s stricter with the line “Because I will be the picture of discipline / Never fucking up anything” and it depicts how simple mistakes he commits would make him feel miserable. (cough this means the infinitesimal mistake probably pained him so much cough cough)

verse three shows us logan realizing that the perfect version he aims to be is actually… not so perfect. the lines “I’m so busy with everything / That I don’t look at anything” is logan getting a realization that he hates this. he hates aiming to be perfect, he hates how restricting himself, and this “perfect version” he aims to be is just bullshit. the lines “And it’s funny how I imagined / That I could be that person now / But that’s not what I wanted / If that’s what I wanted / Then I’d be giving up somehow / How strange to see / That I don’t wanna be the person that I want to be” suggest that logan realized that doing all this, aiming to be perfect, is hurting him. he didn’t want to be perfect. i also think that these lines show us that logan is finally prioritizing himself above all things because, evident in the songs before this, he always aimed to be perfect for others. he always saw himself as faulty and he always intended to fix himself. but this verse shows us that he realizes that he isn’t faulty, he isn’t a mistake, he isn’t someone who needs to improve. he realizes he’s in hurting and he gives in to it, realizing he just needs to give himself time to accept himself for who he is because again, he is enough.

the last verse has logan acknowledging that the “perfect version” he aims to accomplish is downright impossible. the lines “And maybe it’s funniest of all / To think I’ll die before I actually see / That I am exactly the person that I want to be.” shows logan finally acknowledging his self-worth. he finally admits he’s good enough, and laughs at his past self trying so hard to be perfect. he’s okay. he understands he’s good enough. (also i am very proud of him, you don’t understand how my heart is exploding rn)

not perfect by tim minchin has kind of the same message as the previous song. it’s quite heartwarming that at this point, logan’s starting to accept himself and he’s not afraid to say he isn’t perfect. in this song, the singer expresses the many things he holds dear in his life, and while he acknowledges that there are some flaws to everything, he still thinks of them fondly, telling us that no matter how un-perfect it is, it’s enough for him. there’s a repeated line of “It’s not perfect, but it’s mine” and it’s easy to say that logan is not only referring to himself, but he’s referring to the family he has as well. he’s been so hard on himself that whenever he sees a flaw in something, he immediately think it’s faulty. but here, he’s acknowledging that flaws are something normal, something okay to have, and instead of turning away from himself or the others, he begins to love himself and his family.

i think the most important verses would be the verses which sing about his body and his brain. it’s all gonna be repetitive, i know, but the lines “I spend so much time hating it [my body] but it never says a bad word about me” and “[This is my brain] where all my fucked up thoughts can hide / ‘Cause god forbid I hurt somebody” really emphasize how much logan struggled before he began to accept himself. while the first line suggests he struggled a lot with how he thinks of himself, the second speaks of how much thoughts he repressed because he wanted to be better for others. while i don’t think the thoughts are really “fucked up” like the lyric suggests, i think this mostly talks about his negative emotions and how he wanted to hide it from the others. but at the end, again, he eventually stops repressing his emotions and allows himself to let them out because it’s perfectly valid.

human by tank and the bangas has almost the same message as the previous two songs. what’s interesting is that logan uses knowledge and different facts to motivate himself to love himself. throughout the song, it tells us facts about our bodies which logan would definitely be fascinated by, and it’s soft to think that he values himself because he treasures the fact that we exist. we are made this way for a reason, everything in his body has been meticulously crafted to serve different purposes, and logan finds it amazing. not only does he use this to help motivate himself, but he uses this to love the other sides as well. in this song, it is implied that there has been a relationship that has gone wrong, and we can think of it as the friendship between logan and the others. while the relationship between logan and the others has been wonky, they will eventually make amends and be close again; logan just needs time to understand himself, to love himself, and when logan is finally okay, he and the other sides and start over. 

what i love about this song is not only is logan accepting himself but he is complimenting himself. while the last two songs are about him saying he’s enough, this song actually shows us that logan is starting to admire himself. he says he’s incredible and valuable, tougher than any superhero, and if that ain’t character development, i don’t know what is 

one last interesting bit is that these last three songs imply that logan honestly needs a break from everything. all this acceptance and loving yourself can only be achieved if logan takes a break from working. i think this implies logan will eventually isolate himself from the others in the series just for a few moments, just so he can finally help himself, and he can only reconnect with the others if and only if he takes care of himself first. 

time adventure from adventure time acknowledges eternalism wherein time is all an illusion and that there is no past or future, just the present tense. everything is currently set in the present, and whatever happened, happens, or is happening will exist forever because everything is set in the same time period which is the present. i think this song suggests that logan has already reconciled with himself and the others again and currently, he is happy with it. he uses this eternalism to emphasize how he treasures this moment of happiness so much. in this way, he can say that this happiness that he is experiencing right now will exist forever because it exists now. there’s not much more to say here than logan is finally happy, the others are happy with him, and he wants this moment of joy to happen forever. 

now that that’s over, i’m going to summarize my analysis of each song in the following bullet points so it can be easier to understand:

the elements by tom lehrer: logan values education and always aims make anything easily understandable for thomas.

white & nerdy by “weird al” yankovic: logan, while he is a nerd, also wants to appear as cool to fit in with the others.

algorhythm by childish gambino: logan feels like he’s being alienated by the group because he thinks differently from them, despite being correct.

fitter happier by radiohead: logan has high expectations for himself to be perfect but this also makes him feel trapped.

medicine by STRFKR: logan realizes being perfect means he might become lazy, and this first showcases logan questioning if aiming to be perfect is a valid thing to do. 

the breach by clipping.: logan is portrayed as someone who keeps control of everything thomas’s mind. without him, everything will disrupt into chaos.

letter c by zach sherwin: logan overthinks a lot about the insults he receives and wishes he can produce better comebacks so others might think he’s cool.

galaxy song from monty python: logan is fascinated by astronomy, bringing him comfort.

streaks by ANIMA!: thomas’s life being put-together is all thanks to logan. logan really should deserve more credit for building the person thomas is today.

erase me by ben folds five: logan feeds like he’s being disregarded and the others don’t know they are hurting him. he thinks erasing himself might make the others realize his worth, even if he sometimes lacks self-love.

art is dead by bo burnham: logan feels undignified with thomas’s career as an entertainer and he thinks roman is immature. then again, this song implies he wants to further understand roman.

equation by hans zimmer and camille: logan was stressed a lot when thomas was approaching adulthood and he thinks his job as logic is incredibly tough, making him miss it when thomas was a child, free of any responsibilities.

sunrise from in the heights: logan is fascinated by the fact that emotions can be a motivator for learning, something he has never thought of before.

one more time with feeling by regina spektor: the others finally understand what logan’s worth is when logan disappears, but the advice they give to him aren’t exactly the best but hey, they’re trying to reconcile with each other.

in my mind by amanda palmer: logan accepts the fact he can’t be perfect and the person he is now is enough.

not perfect by tim minchin: logan begins to understand that the most un-perfect thinks could be the things he loves the most, and he begins to love himself more, thinking it’s enough.

human by tank and the bangas: logan finds comfort in facts as it makes him feel more empowered. these facts make him fascinated with himself, as well as find fascination in the other sides.

time adventure from adventure time: he finally reconciles with the others, reconciles with himself, and he wants the happiness he feels now to exist forever.

now, thomas mentioned in a tweet to listen to them in order. i do think the playlist is meant to foreshadow what’s to happen to logan’s arc. these are a few thoughts that i have that might occur in logan’s arc:

all of logan’s problems definitely stem from him wanting to be cool enough for the other sides. because he wants to be perceived as cool and the others don’t really think of him that way, he begins devaluing himself. this problem eventually evolves, and instead of wanting to be cool, logan wants to be absolutely flawless, and he is abusing himself because of it.

roman is definitely someone with a crucial role in logan’s arc. this playlist references roman more than the other sides and while i don’t know what his role is, i do think he is one of the main people who will help logan during his arc.

with songs like erase me and one more time with feeling, i have a very heavy feeling that logan will duck out or disappear. he did get the epiphany that the others will only see his worth if he is gone, and this might happen during his arc.

ONE LAST THING: thomas tweeted this: 

it is suspicious to me that he says that this is only PART of the reason why. there is a bigger reason to why logan didn’t put crofters the musical on his playlist, and i can only think of two reasons why. one would be he didn’t want to hurt roman since it was evident that logan respects the other sides, especially roman. another is that he isn’t embarrassed by his singing per se, but he is embarrassed with himself. he was too immature, too incompetent, and because logan longs to be perfect, he might consider crofters the musical as a mistake he committed. 

(also, if logan is ashamed of not putting crofters the musical and is hesitant to show us this playlist, does he mean he still is suffering now?)

anywho, conclusion: logan is sad, give him some love, and i hope he knows we love him for who he is. remember that my interpretation is my interpretation, not in any form fact, so if i’m wrong, i’m wrong, and that’s okay! again, feel free to add anything to this and have your own interpretations because i’d love to hear them!

[epouvantes]

❛ willa fitzgerald, cis woman, she/her ❜ was that charlie brodeur? the twenty-six year old nurse has been in town since birth. the human has a reputation for being kindhearted & quick-tempered. you know they’re around when you get flashes of ( messy buns, deep breaths, cracked iphone screen & fairy lights strung all over ). rumor has it, they have no affiliations. { samu, est, 25, she/they }

( OOC: TW: ANXIETY MENTION AT THE END OF THIS PARAGRAPH. hi! i’m samu, i’m 25 and i use she/they pronouns! i’m so so so so so excited for this rp and for you all to meet my babies!!!!! i wanted to make this lil ooc section just to let y’all know that i’ll be posting longer and more detailed intro-like posts for my charas eventually, but i wanted to be able to give lil summaries and connection ideas before then so!!!!! there it is!!!!! thank u sm for reading!!!!! also if i ever message you to plot, which i’d like to do with everyone if my social anxiety allows it, pls don’t feel obligated to plot with me at all!!!!! i love connecting with other writers and stuff but i’ll completely understand if you’re not up to plot with me and my charas <33 ) ← this is the same ooc paragraph in all of my first three intros, so pls feel free to skip it! <3

brief introduction.

charlie’s mother was born and then spent all her life in ottawa, ontario, until she got pregant with charlie (original name is charlotte but charlie legally changed it as soon as she legally could after turning eighteen). isabelle, charlie’s mother, had a double citizenship (canada/usa) thanks to her mother (who she had a very complicated relationship with) being american, so when she basically ran away from home (although not really because she was twenty years old at the time), the move to the states was somewhat easy (or well, as easy as it could be).

charlie and her mother are very close!! kind of similar-ish to lorelai and rory in gilmore girls when it comes to closeness, except that they’re more like... soft, i guess? very intelligent and curious like the gilmore girls, sure, but not necessarily as quick-witted, humorous and energetic. well, isabelle sort of is a bit more so than charlie, but yes! basically, charlie and her mom are super close!

charlie’s mom (isabelle) made herself quite the stable home in blackthorne, and it’s been a home to her and charlie ever since they arrived (whilst charlie was still a fetus, of course)! nowadays, the two of them don’t live together anymore, but they see a lot of each other and get along rlly rlly well! i don’t want to set isabelle’s job in stone since i’ll probably make a wanted connection for her, but i’m picturing her doing something either really artsy or people-focused! or even both?

charlie has known she wanted to be a nurse since the age of thirteen. back in her pre-teens, isabelle and charlie’s elderly neighbour, mrs. cunningham, got quite sick and though charlie obvi didn’t do physical tasks to help out, just holding mrs. cunningham’s hands and being there for her felt right. charlie has always felt best when she's helping or caring for others, and that doesn’t seem close to change any time soon!

she was honestly a bit difficult to get along with when she was younger? bc as kind as she tended to be, she got angry VERY easily, especially when it came to other kids being careless and not paying attention to others. like, since childhood, there’s nothing that frustrates charlie more than people not taking others into consideration. also, um... when she gets mad, she gets MAD. she’s a fire sign (zodiac wise) and it really, REALLY shows lmao!!!!! she also tends to be quite dramatic and theatrical when it comes to her anger so idfjlkdjlkfdj it can lowkey be entertaining for those not involved in whatever is going on!

rn she’s living in a two bedroom apartment with two roommates! i picture charlie sharing a bedroom with one of her roommate (and can they PLEASE have bunk beds iM begging sjdljfdljfdlkfdj), and for the other roommate to have their own bedroom! i feel like both bedrooms would be REALLY small, but that actually all the other rooms would be quite roomy? and that it’d be a super well lit apartment? and like definitely not high class or anything, but DEFINITELY homey!

can be a bit reckless when it comes to her own safety, especially if others are in danger (she does have a bit of a hero complex), which is DEF not ideal right now lmao dflkjdlkfjlkdfj

loves partying btw!!!! she works rlly rlly hard as a nurse and is generally quite chill outside of work, but she feels the need to let loose, like really loose at least once every two weeks or more!

connection ideas.

CHILDHOOD BEST FRIEND: along with her mother, this is the person charlie trusts and cherishes the most. and also lbr she can be a TINY bit more of herself with her best friend than with her mother, bc no matter how much she loves her mother, she’s still her mother. and this best friend would actually probably get along with isabelle really well too! i didn’t necessarily picture charlie’s best friends as one of her roommates, but if you’d like to go for that too, i definitely wouldn’t be opposed! ( 00 / 01 )

ROOMMATES: as described a lil bit above, charlie shares a two-bedroom apartment with two other roommates! the rooms are all pretty spacey, except for the bedrooms which are on the small size! still, charlie shares one of the bedrooms with one of her roommates (probably with bunk beds!!!!!! the adult-y kind?? where the bottom bunk is like a bit bigger??), and the other roommate has a room of their own!! the apartment is also really well-lit, with a lot of well-placed window, and though it’s definitely not luxurious, it 100% has a very homey feel to it! ( 00 / 02 )

COLLEAGUE(S): people who charlie works with! other nurses would definitely be interesting because they can unwind together and understand each other in a way that other people can’t? ooooh, although there could also maybe be a “rival” nurse to charlie for whatever reason we can work out together (bc charlie is caring af so maybe if your character is more ambitious and has a different way of dealing with patients - which is probably just as good as charlie’s but only different - so maybe they clash about that?) but also!!!!!! dOCTORS PLEASE!!!!!! knowing some people in health services, the way doctors act with nurses can vary quite intensely (from what i know which ofc is only a small sample tho so!!), but like....... mayhaps a doctor who really respects nurses and understands how they can have a unique point of view when it comes to what’s happening to the patients, and who tries to work with the nurses as a team!! therefore a doctor who charlie probably really admires and appreciates!!!! on the other hand, though...... a doctor who seems to think they’re above nurses (whether they really are or not is up to you, but it could be the impression that charlie is getting!) like maybe a doctor who doesn’t take kindly to being questioned, especially not by people who aren’t doctors and like...... lmao charlie doesn’t care!!!! she’ll question you!!!! (also lowkey..... this is FAR from necessary but i just stumbled upon a list of enemies to lovers novels and this seems like such a cliché plot but slfkjlxjfkljdf i wouldn’t be opposed to that if it works out with the chemistry and all of that? i’m not into planning long term romantic plots bc i feel like it hinders things and what not, but! it can be a possibility if you’d like that, maybe?) ( 00 / ?? )

EX-FIANCÉ(E): charlie’s high school sweetheart!! they started dating when charlie was fifteen (and your chara was in the same year as charlie but ig depending on the time of year they might have been the same age or a few months older or younger sflkdfjlkjfd), and they got engaged when they were twenty-one years old! charlie’s mother actually didn’t really approve of the union, even though she loved your chara, as she thought they were too young, but back then, charlie didn’t care about what others said about she and your chara’s relationship! they were actually engaged for two years before they both realized that they kept on pushing off the wedding. and it wasn’t just because they were scared; they just weren’t sure they actually wanted it anymore. then, they decided to take a “break”. that was around three years ago, and the two have barely talked to each other since, avoiding each other’s stares when they walk by each other on the street, something that happens much too often to their taste. they both still have their rings, but i feel like they’re probably just holding on to them out of nostalgia, because it seems quite clear that their relationship is over. problem is, they were close friends before they started dating, and they honestly miss each other’s friendship. also!! i don’t have a gender preference for your chara tbh!! at the age of nine, charlie loudly announced that she liked girls after climbing on the tallest tree in the park during a special school outing (to the park a block away from their school..... ok it wasn’t that special of an outing, but most of the school was still there in the park!) and at the age of fourteen she officially came out as bisexual! ( 00 / 01 )

EDIT: i wanna post this now so i won’t make a lil paragraph for it right now, but!!!! party friends is def an idea that would work very very well!

i can’t think of anything else right now, but i’m definitely open to many many more ideas! these were just the few things i could come up with right now!

[splendidlyimperfect]

Sting’s entire life changed when he was eleven years old and his best friend Rogue told a secret that he’d promised to keep. Taken away from the father who abused him and the best friend who’d tried to save him, Sting tried to start a new life with his uncle. But the trauma wasn’t easy to escape, and eventually Sting turned to drinking to forget the things that hurt.

Now he’s an adult, and he hasn’t been sober in years. But when drinking nearly kills him and a near-stranger saves his life, Sting has a chance to turn his life around, and maybe become the man that Rogue deserves to love.

Chapter Summary: Things with Gray and Joel come to a head, and Sting has to push past his own trauma to help. 

Chapters (20/?): 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 Rating: Mature Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Rogue Cheney/Sting Eucliffe, Natsu Dragneel/Gray Fullbuster, Natsu Dragneel & Sting Eucliffe, Gray Fullbuster & Sting Eucliffe, Sting Eucliffe & Weisslogia   Additional Tags: modern au, childhood friends, angst, emotional hurt/comfort, angst with a happy ending, child abuse, alcoholism, drug use, recovery

*tw for description of injuries from abuse *this chapter runs parallel with chapter nineteen and twenty of how to become a wildfire.

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res·cue | \ ˈre-(ˌ)skyü transitive verb : to free from confinement, danger, or evil

.

xx winter age twenty-four

.

When Kelly’s name shows up on Sting’s caller ID at two in the morning, he immediately knows that something is wrong.  

“It’s your friend,” Kelly says when Sting answers. “We got a call from the hospital.”  

Continue reading on AO3

A cold sense of dread creeps up Sting’s stomach and through his chest. “I’ll be right there,” he manages. Rogue rolls over, frowning at him and yawning. “It’s Gray,” he says, and Rogue’s awake immediately, pushing himself up and rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Sting stumbles out of bed, cursing when he trips over the carpet on his way to the closet. His hands are shaking so badly that he nearly drops his phone.

“I’ll stay up,” Rogue says as Sting tugs on his uniform and runs a trembling hand through his messy hair. “Text me if you can.”  

“I will.” Sting exhales, rubbing his face and giving Rogue an uncertain look. “What if he…”  

“It’s going to be okay,” Rogue insists, but Sting’s thoughts are racing too fast for the words to sink in. His mind is filled with tears and terror and his dad shouting, and his head aching while his fingers went numb.  

His phone dings again and he looks down at it. It’s from Natsu.  

Natsu [02:25] im at the hospital w gray. he left joel.  

Natsu [02:26] hes hurt pretty bad but he’s okay. hospital called the police.

Sting stares at the message as anxiety and fear battle for space in his stomach. ‘Okay’ can mean so many things. Sting was ‘okay’ too, even with thirty-six stitches and a broken arm.  

Sting [02:26] I know, they just called me. I’m coming in with Kelly.  

“What can I do, love?” Rogue asks, touching Sting’s elbow. He flinches, then shakes his head in embarrassment.  

“Sorry—”  

“Don’t apologize.” Rogue waits for Sting to step forward before wrapping his arms around his neck and kissing his cheek. “I love you. You’re so brave and I know you can do this.”  

Sting nods, trying to believe him. “I…” His phone lights up again and he stares down at the words.  

Natsu [02:28] im so scard hes gonna change his mind.  

“Go,” Rogue says gently, nudging Sting toward the door. “I’ll get the guest room ready.”  

Sting gives him a grateful look, then presses one last kiss to Rogue’s cheek before taking the stairs two at a time down to the garage.  

Sting [02:30] I’m on my way.  

~

As soon as Sting steps into the hospital room, he wants to cry. Gray’s sitting on the couch with Natsu’s arm wrapped around his shoulders, staring at the floor with a blank expression on his face. His lip is swollen, and his face is bruised, and Sting’s stomach aches when he sees the reddish fingerprints on Gray’s throat.  

“Hey,” he says gently, pushing aside the anger that rises into his throat as bile. He crouches down next to the couch. “How’re you doin’?”  

Gray shrugs. He looks exhausted. Natsu’s holding him tightly, as if Gray will fall apart if he lets go. Sting’s eyes flick up to Natsu’s face, but Natsu isn’t looking at him. His eyes are on Gray, and they’re so filled with love and pain.  

“I know it hurts, but I’m proud of you,” Sting says to Gray, hoping he can convey the same love through his voice. “We’re gonna do everything we can to help, okay? Do you know where Joel is right now?”  

Gray stares at the badge on Sting’s uniform, eyes dull. Up close, he looks worse – his eye is bloodshot and there’s still a streak of blood by his nose, and there are half-moon fingernail marks on the side of his neck. Sting grits his teeth and counts backward in his head. Anger is the last thing Gray needs right now, even if it’s all Sting can feel.  

“Home,” Gray says. His voice is rough and raw. “When… he passed out. Drunk. Probably still asleep.”  

Sting bites the inside of his cheek as memories start to surface.  

He’s eight and hiding in his bedroom, pushed back in the closet with a hand over his mouth. Quiet, quiet, quiet. Footsteps pound down the stairs, loud and uneven, and Sting waits and waits. He doesn’t move, just makes himself as small as possible and counts to a hundred over and over again.  

Sting exhales, letting the memories wash over him and then dissipate. He’s not there anymore. He’s safe, and he’s here, and he’s going to help Gray.  

“Does he have any weapons in the house?” Sting asks.  

“I… don’t think so.�� Gray sounds so small and uncertain. Sting nods, and then Gray looks up at him, expression desperate. “He… Bella. My dog, she… I had to leave, she… s-saved me, and I just, I left her, and…” Tears spill down his cheeks and he pulls in on himself, resting his head on Natsu’s shoulder.  

“I’m going to do everything I can to help you, and her,” Sting reassures him. He touches Gray’s knee carefully, and when there’s no flinch, he squeezes. I’m here for you, he thinks, hoping Gray can feel it through the touch. You’re safe now. I promise.  

Then he stands and turns around, giving Kelly a nod. They usually work together to take statements, but Sting’s too close to this. Kelly squeezes his arm as she passes by and he turns on his radio.  

“Dispatch, this is Eucliffe,” he says, trying to keep his voice steady as he heads out the door. “Requesting officers at 6 Willowdale Crescent for domestic disturbance and assault.” 

~ 

Sting cries the whole way to Gray’s apartment. They’re quiet tears, but they just won’t stop, no matter how many times he wipes at his face. When he arrives at the apartment and sees the other cruiser parked in the lot, he takes a deep breath and pinches his arm until he’s focused.  

“What’ve we got?” Kim gets out of the car as he pulls up beside them, and Sting breathes a sigh of relief when he sees that Lev is with her instead of Janson.  

“I’ll wait down here,” he says quietly once he’s given them all the information he has. It’s dark enough in the parking lot that he hopes they can’t tell he’s been crying. “Call me if you need backup.”  

Then they’re both gone, and Sting is left with nothing but a seething anger and a head full of memories. His phone buzzing is a welcome distraction and he quickly pulls it out of his pocket.  

Natsu [04:03] were leaving the hospital now. rogue called, were going to your place. u ok?  

Sting exhales noisily and runs a hand over his face. Relief tempers the anger – at least at his house, they’ll be safe.  

Sting [04:04] I’ll be fine. How’s Gray?  

Natsu [04:05] not good. is that fucking asshole in jail?

Sting [04:06] I can’t say anything yet. I’ll let you know as soon as I can.  

He’s about to put his phone away when it starts to ring. The picture on the screen pulls a smile from Sting’s fears – it’s the one of him and Rogue and the dandelions.  

“Hey, darling,” he says quietly. He’s not supposed to answer his phone on duty, but he needs to hear Rogue’s voice.  

“Are you okay?”  

“No,” Sting says honestly. “I can’t tell you much yet. Natsu said him and Gray are on their way.” He looks up at the apartment building – a light is on in one of the windows, but Sting isn’t sure if it’s Gray and Joel’s place or not. “He...” Sting swallows. “Gray. He’s... it’s bad.”  

“He’s safe now,” Rogue reassures him. “And so are you. You’re so brave and I’m so proud of you, and I love you so much.”  

Sting swallows, willing himself to not start crying again. He has a sudden, desperate urge to call Uncle Wes, but then there’s movement in the front of the apartment building.  

“I have to go,” he says quickly. “I love you, too. I’ll text you when I’m on my way home.”  

He shoves his phone back in his pocket as the doors to the apartment open. Joel looks surprisingly docile as Lev leads him over to the cruiser, but when he sees Sting, his expression turns sour.  

“You,” Joel growls, and it’s clear that he’s still a little drunk.  

“Me,” Sting agrees, pushing his anger back behind a wall of calm. He’s about to ask Lev about Kim when the apartment door opens again and there’s a loud woof. Sting quickly makes his way over to where Kim is holding the leash of a large, friendly-looking Rottweiler.  

“Hey, Bella,” Sting says, crouching down and reaching out his hand. Bella sniffs him, then quickly headbutts him and moves in to lick his face. “Good girl,” he says softly, stroking her head. He reaches out and takes the leash from Kim, nodding in thanks. “I’ve got her,” he says. “I’ll meet you at the station.”  

~

Bella sits patiently next to Sting’s desk while he fills out his paperwork, eventually curling up under his chair. The precinct is nearly empty this early, and the quiet helps to clear his mind as his pen flies across the forms.  

He finally makes it home at nearly ten in the morning. As soon as he walks in the front door, Bella bolts down the hallway toward the living room, nails clicking on the hardwood floor. There’s a moment of silence, and then Sting’s heart cracks as he hears Gray’s quiet sob.  

“Hey, love,” Rogue says, appearing next to him and reaching out to touch his cheek. Sting quickly pulls him into a hug, tucking his face into Rogue’s neck and letting out a shaky breath. “It’s okay,” Rogue says quietly, running his hand up Sting’s back. “We’re all okay.”  

“I love you,” Sting mumbles into Rogue’s sweater. There’s something about Rogue that always feels like home, and Sting wishes he could just stay in Rogue’s embrace forever. Gray needs him, though, so he pulls back reluctantly.  

“I love you too,” Rogue says, kissing his forehead. “They’re in the living room.”  

Natsu’s on the couch, looking sleepily at Gray, who is sitting on the floor with Bella nearly in his lap. He looks worse in the morning light – his eye is almost swollen shut, and the marks on his neck are turning to fingerprint-shaped bruises. Bella is licking his face, tail pounding against the leg of the coffee table in excitement.  

“Thank you,” Gray whispers when Sting crouches down next to them.  

“He didn’t hurt her,” Sting reassures him, setting the leash down on the table. “She had lots of fun riding in the back of the police cruiser, didn’t you, girl?” Bella licks his hand happily, then headbutts it until he scratches behind her ears.  

Gray’s voice is rough and quiet when he asks what happened, and Sting does his best to explain custody and bail hearings and a no-contact order. When he offers to take Gray back to get his things from the apartment and Gray shakes his head and starts to cry, Sting’s heart breaks a little more. He can’t help thinking of a smashed TV, and broken glass on the floor of his dad’s living room. He’d never gone back there, either.  

“You’re safe now,” Sting says. He’s heard the words a hundred times – from Kelly while she held his hand in the hospital, from Uncle Wes when his dad got out of prison, from Natsu when he thought he couldn’t stay sober, from Rogue when he woke from nightmares and cried. Now they’re his words. His promise.  

The look on Gray’s face is somewhere between disbelief and tentative hope, and when he reaches out and pulls Sting into a hug, Sting nearly starts to cry. He returns the embrace carefully, settling down on the floor next to Gray and holding him close.  

“I know,” he says gently, hoping that Gray can believe him. “You can do this.”

Natsu slides down to the floor and takes Gray’s hand, and the three of them sit like that for a long time – a wall of hope that Sting hopes tempers the fear and anger in Gray’s heart.  

[freddyatkins-blog]

hello new friends!! i’m rosie!  just thought i’d say hey and introduce freddy a lil bit! hope u are all having a nice day and stuff and happy easter if ur celebrating ✌ (i’ll put the summary down below) 100% down to plot and stuff so if you have any ideas feel free to come at me with them! imma message some people too so hopefully we can get some good stuff going!

sooo freddy is essentially a precious angel bear of a human and will p much do anything for anyone cos he’s cute af, he’s been through some stuff so cancer tw and as a result sees life through some ‘if not now, when’ kinda eyes etc

so he was born to 2 high school sweethearts, good models of love and stuff and was an only child till he was about 7

fam were never really rich or anything they were p poor tbh but they had each other and lots of friends so all was good

really wanted a brother but never seemed to happen, which all made sense when his mum found out she’d sadly gone into premature menopause

freddy did have a best friend though who had been taken out of his family due to abuse and so when freddy’s mum told him that he was sadly never going to have a brother, freddy suggested they adopt his friend

after a lengthy process, the atkin’s family adopted him and charlie (the kid) became freddy’s adopted brother!

happy childhood continued and eventually, freddy went off to college to train to become an elementary teacher (like his mum) and charlie stayed to take on their father’s plumbing business

freddy finally graduated and began teaching full time - loves his job

in his 4th class, he met a special little kid called grace, who like charlie, was going through the foster care system 

essentially, freddy couldn’t adopt her unless he had a less demanding job / wasn’t her teacher, so began looking for another job / the case to adopt her

on the morning of an interview day for a part time job, before leaving, freddy found a lump on his ball / testicle (scientific terms n all that)

went to the doctors a few days later and after a scan and further appointments, found that he had testicular cancer that had spread a little and needed to have several operations

one testicle was removed and chemo began, and eventually, an operation to remove the rest of the cancer

after a long time of healing and recovering both emotionally and physically, freddy was given the all clear and without thinking, began the adoption process again to adopt grace

finally adopted her and took the part time job that hadn’t yet been filled 

has been a dad for 3 years now and loves it, also loves teaching still

[suranflower]

The Sky Is Blue and the Sun Is Shinning, Chapter Six

Title: The Sky Is Blue and the Sun Is Shining Chapters: 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 of (?) Words: 3560 TW: medication, abuse. Summary: a I Need U/Run/Prologue based fanfic, with Jin as the narrator. Yes, this will be dramatic and angsty.

Chapter 6.

I woke up from a bad dream, a nightmare, actually. The sweat covered my forehead and dripped down my neck. I hated that feeling. I could barely breathe and my heart was rushing so fast it was aching. I dreamed of being tied up while I witnessed as everything falling around me. An angel fell because their wings were cut and I could only look at them while they screamed in pain, but could not help. When I woke up and the pain in my chest didn’t go, I started to get worried. I was alone at home and couldn’t even reach for my phone. So I just lied there, in pain for more than thirty minutes, still with the images from my dream filling my head and scared that the pain wouldn’t go.

But it eventually did. That day, later, as I was having breakfast and after I took my medication, I received an e-mail notifying me that I had passed all my subjects and therefore I would be graduating. I felt relieved. But not happy. I had been waiting for that for so long… But now that it had come, I didn’t feel especially happy or content. I just felt normal. And I couldn’t understand why, not after so much hard work. All I could think about was that those years would be wasted if I was going to die soon. Since that night at the bar, I just had a burning sensation in the back of my head that those were my last days. So I thought oh cool, Jin, you’re graduating but it wasn’t as exciting as I thought I’d be my whole life.

I went through some photos of the boys I had made during the dinner the other day. Those happy moments were really worth it. I smiled to myself. Then I remembered that I should tell them about my graduation. Now, thinking about it, I should have told them everything. About how I was feeling and about my illness too. But I didn’t. I don’t know, I guess I was just too stupid.

However, Taehyung called me in that exact moment.

“Hey, Jin, can you do me a favor?”

“Well, if I can help”.

“Can you come to take me and then Hyesu from school? I want to take her out for lunch and I even got a friend’s car but”

“But you don’t have a license”.

“Yes. Just come for us. Hyesu’s school is super far from the restaurant I want to take her to”.

“And do you want me to pick you afterwards or…?”

“Don’t worry, I got that covered”.

“You mean you got Namjoon to do it for me, right?”

“Yes” I laughed. “Anyway, can you come? I will find other way if you can’t”.

“I’ll go”.

“Besides, I’m sure she’ll be happy to see you”.

“Ah, will she? She’s a lovely girl”. I smiled as I ate my cereal.

“I think he has a crush on you” I laughed.

“All girls have a crush on me, Taehung, you should have learnt that by now”.

“Get off that cloud. Whatever, I’ll be waiting for you. Don’t be late, it’s her birthday! We have to be on time”.

“Alright”.

“It’s not too far away from where you live, so going back shouldn’t be a problem for you”.

“Ok, I’ll see you there”.

While this conversation happened, Hoseok was staring at Taehyung. They were both near Namjoon’s work. That’s where Taehyung would get the car form his friend and that’s where they were meeting. Taeyung had asked Hoseok the same thing he had asked me, but Hoseok told him he couldn’t go.

“I’m sorry I can’t go with you, really.  By the way, I heard something the other night that your father will be out for a week?” Hoseok asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes, he’s leaving for five days actually. I was going to take care of Hyesu, but she has this friend, her best friend, and apparently her mother doesn’t trust me for some reason” he laughed “the thing this lady spoke with my father and convinced him so Hyesu will stay with her friend for the week. I don’t know why she doesn’t trust me, it’s not the first time I take care of her anyway”. Taehyug shrugged. Hoseok nodded and then laughed.

“All mothers are afraid of you, Tae”.

“It looks like. Well, she for sure will eat better food” he laughed. “It’s time for me to go, so see you soon”. Hoseok waived at him as he went somewhere.

Taehyung, of course, hadn’t told him all the truth. The truth was that his father was actually leaving for a week, yes. But he had personally reached Hyesu’s friend mother so she could stay there. He had gotten an informal job for that week and he didn’t know when they could be calling him. It could be basically anytime, day or night because he had said he was available 24/7 -which actually wasn’t true. Taehyung just really needed the money. He knew he couldn’t be all day at home and it wouldn’t be the first time his father said he would go for a week but showed up unexpectedly and fucked things up. If he wasn’t at home and his father was just in one of his “bad mood” days, he didn’t want Hyesu at home. Not alone, not after one of his father’s travels. Now things at home were only a little controlled because there was a routine so the siblings knew what to do and when to do it exactly. Plus, both Taehyung and Hyesu had managed to not let any kind of alcohol enter the house. It had worked well for three months now but now with this travel, Taehyung was worried the routine would be broken and he couldn’t manage the situation again. Under his point of view, he could endure it, he could fight his father if necessary, but Hyesu… That was the only reason why he hadn’t left home already. He couldn’t leave Hyesu there. But of course, none of us knew any of that. None of us knew how it was like living on fear in your own home, being afraid of your own father, the only person that was supposed to take care of you. I guess that’s how Taehyung and Hyesu learned to hide their emotions so well.

 --------

Hoseok took his phone and messaged Jimin.

Hoseok: ok so we have to get things ready for this weekend.

Chimchim: It’s so soon!

Hoseok: I know. But Namjoon has a free weekend, and Tae doesn’t have to take care of his sister.

Hoseok: plus, that would make it actually on Tae’s birthday, as we initially planned.

Chimchim: so I book for this weekend instead of the next one? Even if we still don’t know about Jin’s graduation?

Hoseok: Yes. I mean, I’m sure he’s graduating. We have to make it now that Tae is jobless and free of his sister.

Hoseok: gosh, that sounded really bad. But you know what I mean.

Chimchim: yeah, I know.

Chimchim: I’ll book now, then.

Hoseok: thanks! I’ll tell Yoongi to rush about the car thing. Also I’ll make sure that Hyesu knows we’ll be kidnapping her brother for a weekend.

Chimchim: alright!

While these two had that conversation, however, Mirae saw that Jimin was online but he would not answer her messages. It had been three days since he stopped answering. He had been acting a little weird, and reserved, and she decided she didn’t have to overreact. Well, Jimin was online and he was staring at his conversation with Mirae. He saw that she was online. But he didn’t answer. He didn’t know what to say. Not after three days acting like she didn’t exist.

Jimin and her had been great for a couple of weeks. I told you about their English classes, right? Yeah, they were great. And then Jimin started to act weird. He started to think a bit too much. He realized that Mirae was starting to look at him in a different way, that her eyes now had a different light when they stared at his.  That she was suddenly much more self-conscious around him. It worried him a little, but the thing that worried him the most was that he was changing too. That now he couldn’t stop looking at her. Before, when they met, Jimin knew Mirae was… Well, Mirae, so he could just go and do whatever, be himself, act clumsy, have terrible hair and bad skin… Now he prepared himself very carefully when they met because he really wanted to impress her. When he received a message, even if it was just some stupid meme, he suddenly felt excited. He smiled like a fool just repeating those English words she had thought him, though he had forgotten the meaning. She was changing, and he was too. And something was changing between them. When they were together they didn’t joke and play around as much. Jimin was suddenly aware that they didn’t look like friends anymore when they were in public. And when they had sex, it had changed too. It wasn’t just for the fun, it wasn’t a dare, exciting experiment anymore. It had turned into something more tender, into something Jimin was looking forward not just because it was hot and because they understood each other well, but something he wanted because there was something fascinating about her, the way she moved and how her lips pressed against his, because she made him feel better -in every possible way.

I think it’s pretty clear what was happening here. And that’s what Jimin didn’t want to happen. He didn’t feel ready for that kind of thing happening to him. And much less with Mirae.

She was waiting for him to say something about their meeting that afternoon. They had arranged a date, but with his sudden silence, she wasn’t sure they would make it. Mirae had had a really tough week. It had been exhausting, both physically and emotionally and seeing Jimin that day was practically the only thing that had pulled her through that week. She felt too tired and she just needed Jimin by her side, but she didn’t feel like explaining why to him. She didn’t want him to pity her, she didn’t want him to know how desperate she was for his company. Mirae finally decided to call Jimin, and used her sweetest and most cheerful voice. She was really trying to make an effort to feel that way.

“Hey” she started, and even before he could say anything, she continued “I thought maybe we could watch a movie! I know it’s changing plans a little late knowing that it’s only like two hours before we meet but there’s this one that is very good and I thought we could like it”. Jimin didn’t say a word. Mirae held her breath. She felt a heavy weight on her shoulders and was probably on the verge of tears, but continued with the cheerful tone and smiling, though he couldn’t see her. “We can go and eat cake after that anyway”.

“Mirae, I…” Jimin felt nervous. He didn’t want to hurt her, but he didn’t want to let it go any further. He scratched his head and clicked his tongue. He truly wanted to tell her the truth, but even he didn’t know very well what he felt, so he decided he should just lie. He thought it could be better. He thought she would probably be very bothered, perhaps a little hurt, but nothing too bad. Still, it took him a lot of strength to say that lie. “I’m sorry, something happened and I… I can’t go today”.

“What?” Mirae couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “But-“.

“I know, I’m sorry. I can’t go. I should have called earlier”. Jimin clenched his teeth and closed his eyes. Why couldn’t she just forget about it? He was trying to. On the other side of the line, silence as single tear started falling down Mirae’s face. She felt hurt, but also angry. She clenched her fist, remembering the words she had said some weeks ago «this is the last time Jimin, I swear».

“Right” and she hung up. That caught Jimin off guard.

“Mirae?” But, of course, she didn’t answer. He sighed, asking himself why things were so complicated, and feeling bad and awkward. She was probably so angry now. But he thought, he really thought he’d fix it someday… He was wrong.

 ---------------

“So” Hyesu was saying, talking to Hoseok, who had come in person to her school to talk to her in one of her few free times between classes. She was a little hesitant because she wanted Taehyung to have fun and she would do anything possible so he went to that trip, but she knew if he wasn’t there on Monday there would be problems, so she was already thinking about the way she could fix them. “He’ll be out for a whole weekend but he’ll be here on Monday, right?”

“Sure. We’ll return him back to you on Monday morning. Like early morning” Hyesu smiled and nodded, pleased.

“I think it’s a great idea. And I hope you have a great weekend! You better post a lot of pics, I’m dying to see them! Also, I wanted to give him something for his birthday, would you give it to him for me? I don’t have it here but…” Hoseok smiled and he stood up at the same time as Hyesu did.

“Sure, we’ll give it to him. Where do you have it?”

“At home. I could give to you tomorrow”. She picked her bag. Hoseok thought about it for a second. Hyesu’s big dark eyes stared at his, with some hurry and her position reminded him that she soon had to go back to her classes.

“Ok, tomorrow I’ll be busy but you can give it to Jungkook. I’ll tell him and he can come here, agree?”

“Agree” she smiled and Hoseok patted her shoulder.

“Take care, little one”.

“I will, Hobi. Bye!” Hoseok waived at her. In a sense, she was like a little sister to him too. Then he left quickly before Taehyung could find him there.

And when we went to pick Hyesu up, everything looked normal. I drove them to the restaurant, as I had promised. Hyesu looked so happy. And Taehyung was clearly happy for her.

“How does it feel turning seventeen?” I asked, with a big smile.

“I don’t feel any different, to be honest” Hyesu responded. “Did you feel different when you turned seventeen?”

“I can’t remember, it was so long ago” I made a dramatic gesture and Hyesu laughed. Then she turned to her brother.

“Are you excited about your birthday?” she asked, leaning her head on the back of Taehyung’s seat.

“Not really” he admitted. “I’m more excited about yours”. He looked back, to the seat where Hyesu was and moved her hair. She wrinkled her nose. “You now, when we were very little, mother had contradictory feelings about our birthdays being so close. She said it was great having two happy dates close, but she also thought that it could eventually ruin the familiar economy because of the gifts” he laughed, and Hyesu and I did too. She seemed very concentrated and maybe a bit sad when he mentioned his mother. I had never heard him talking about her until that day. I knew she had died when Hyesu was around one year old, but I didn’t know very well where I had gotten that information from.

I left them at the restaurant and then went back home by walking. There, I remembered I had to tell the others about my graduation. The group chat was suddenly filled with congratulations. Even Hyesu sent me a voice message from Taehyung’s phone. I smiled the rest of the evening because of the warm and happy messages. As for the siblings, they had a great and funny meal and after that, Namjoon went to take them and return the car. It was a nice evening, though Hyesu insisted that her brother had to get a license right now and Namjoon agreed immediately.

 -------------

It was exactly 5:32pm when Yoongi opened his eyes as if he had seen a ghost, jumped with an energy that was absolutely unusual in him, and started screaming:

“It’s this one, this one!” Because, yes, that was the van. That was the blue van he had always wanted but didn’t know until that day. Jungkook didn’t have the heart to tell him to calm down. And anyway it was, after all, a very cool car. Jungkook scratched his head. Yoongi was basically making sounds about how perfect it was and how funny it would be from now on as he walked in circles around the car.

“Eh… Don’t you think this can be a problem?” Jungkook tried to be very delicate. He pointed at the small cabin the van had. Yoongi, that was leaning down, observing something about the wheels suddenly stood up and looked at him, frowning in confusion.

“But here, in the back, we all fit. There will even be space left”.

“Is that legal?” Yoongi considered for a second and finally just laughed.

“How can I know, Jeongguk? Do I look like a lawyer?”

“You certainly don’t look like one…” Yoongi shook his head and still smiling, but now forcefully, went to Jungkook and put his arm around his shoulders and started to walk away.

“Ah, let’s walk away”.

“Why?”

“I just saw the price and got scared” Yoongi separated from him and started walking normally. Jungkook laughed.

“It can’t be that bad. Let’s go back and consider it seriously”. Yoongi shook his head. Jungkook rolled his eyes and Jungkook took him by the hand and made him go back to where the car was. “Well, the price isn’t that bad. We have to change the budget a little but… It’s true that this van will work. Plus, it looks very nice”.

“You only care about the looks, don’t you?”

“Things have to look beautiful” Jungkook smiled, as he got up to the back of the car. He offered his hand to Yoongi, who reluctantly agreed and sat next to him. “There’s art in everything. Maybe this car is the one we need” Jungkook lied back. “Woah, this is so big! Look!” he put his hands behind his head and closed his eyes. “Maybe you’re right and this is the car. After all, the others were either way to expensive, too small or too ugly”.

“Yes” Yoongi observed Jungkook talking and decided it was alright to lie by his side. He sighed. “So you’re convinced already?”

“Hmmm… Yes. It looks like now I’m more convinced than you”.

“No” Yoongi laughed. “So we finally have a car”.

“Yes! Thank Heaven. I thought we would eternally be looking for one”. Jungkook laughed, but he didn’t open his eyes in any moment. Yoongi observed him from the corner of his eye. In that moment there was a high five that felt like finally ending an exhausting job. After a while, Jungkook spoke again “Yoongi”.

“What?”

“Are we going to stay here all day?” he half opened one of his eyes. Yoongi was looking to some point above them. A small, peaceful, smile appeared on his face.

“I could stay like this all eternity”. Jungkook looked at him, wondering why Yoongi looked so content. But he felt happy to, for whatever it was.

“Then me too” He smiled and closed his eyes again. He got slightly closer to Yoongi, who instinctively reached for his hand. And there they stayed for so long, they actually fell asleep and somebody had to wake them up. And after that they did but the car.

 ---------------

The next thing to happen? Yoongi arrived to my house on Friday afternoon. He called me and asked me too look out of my window. He had a new car and I was very surprised to see it. I hadn’t been feeling well those days and had decided to rest, so I was a little sleepy. What the hell was happening?

“Where did you get that from?” I asked.

“I’m going to be very quick and straightforward. Get the things you need for a weekend. We’re going to the beach. We have hotel rooms and other good stuff and you’re coming with us”. He was outside the car, his arms crossed on his chest as he spoke to me on the phone. By his side, Jimin’s figure looked intimidating for some reason. It was only the two of them.

“What?”

“You prepare your things or we go up there and do it for you”. Given that little room for decision, I moved to my room and took a bag to pack some clothes and essential things. I couldn’t believe that was happening. “Surprise code 365, happy graduation with the second highest score of his promotion to mister Kim Seokjin you have earned a free weekend in the beach with your most beloved friends. Enjoy! Now move your ass, we have people left”.

But what they did to me, it was the least salvage and unexpected of the three surprises.

[stones-x-bones]

Faeted End || Rio and Bex (ft. A Special Guest)

TIMING: Current PARTIES: @3starsquinn and @inbextween, Jim the Warden (written by Virginia) SUMMARY: Rio wants to keep his friend safe, and Bex has had enough of people hurting Mina. CONTENT: Head injury, Memory Loss, Gun mention (but no usage), Domestic abuse mentions

Anger wasn’t a feeling Bex was used to, but how could she not be angry? Someone had hurt Mina, badly, and they were still out there. They were still allowed to walk around, unscathed, unpunished, unjustly. Rio had told her all about it, even if Mina wouldn’t, and the second she’d heard that it was someone like Frank, someone who hurt people specifically like Mina, the rage had begun to build in her stomach. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t right. Why were there people out there who specifically hunted others? It was disgusting. That man needed to be stopped. She’d decided that the instant she’d talked to Rio. He needed to be stopped, and Bex now had the tools to do that. You can stop the fight before it even begins. Nell had taught her a bit more since she’d last exploded that doll, and Bex knew she was right-- she was going to stop this man before he hurt anyone again. Before he hurt Mina again. 

It was with that boiling rage inside of her-- that fear, that worry, that pain-- that she ended up in the Outskirts with Rio. Apparently the man was at a bar down here, as Rio had told her. It just made her more angry. Was Adam like this? Was Dani? Was Mina supposed to be like this? She pushed the thoughts down and tried to calm herself, gathering her energy in the pit of her stomach, readying it for when she’d need it most. “Should we just go inside?” she asked in a hushed voice to Rio, “Or wait for him to come out?” 

It was very possible that Orion had made a mistake. He had almost died on two separate occasions now, ironically with two girls that were dating. Once he knew, he couldn’t keep it to himself. He couldn’t stop thinking about the hunter that would almost undoubtedly go after Mina again. But he didn’t know how to stop him. When he first told Bex about the man, it was more as a warning than anything else. Just so they could keep an eye out for him. Now, he stood in front of the worst places in town. 

His arms were crossed, a very deliberate attempt to hide his goosebumps. He rocked back and forth on his feet to hide any shaking. He hadn’t been inside of this bar in a long time. But all of the horrible memories were too vivid. He used to sit at the same table with his parents and sister, headphones in but still unable to block the conversations other hunters had. Terrible, evil conversations about the supernatural creatures Rio wanted only to protect. “Going in is a very bad idea.” Rio answered as soon as it was suggested. They never stood a chance against a group of hunters. They barely stood a chance against one. “He’s dangerous. And we don’t exactly want to attract any attention.” He hadn’t exactly mentioned that this bar was almost exclusively hunters. Well, besides that one guy. He seemed nice. “That wouldn’t be good for us.”

“Yeah, well,” Bex spat, surprised at her own ire, “I’m dangerous, too.” The power inside her stomach was dangerous. She didn’t want to wait for this man, but Rio was right-- going inside was a bad idea. She could recognize that much. So they would wait. “Fine, we’ll wait.” She ushered Rio over to one of the stores that was across the street from the innocuous looking bar. They’d have to keep a close watch, to see when he left. Not wanting to make a scene also meant they’d have to follow him a little distance away until they could get him well and truly alone. Just like he’d had Mina. Just like he’d probably had so many others. Bex felt her anger growing again and the window beside her cracked a little. She looked back at Rio. “You don’t have to stay, if you don’t want to,” she told him. He looked absolutely frightened, which Bex was sure was fair. From what he’d told her, this man had attacked him, too, and there were still signs of that evident on his skin. Her eyes lingered on the bruises around his neck. She needed to calm down before she exploded too soon. “I’ll be okay on my own.” 

The two perched in a nearby store, Bex seemingly intent on watching the entrance to the Silver Bullet at all times, while Orion barely wanted to see the place at all. The longer the two waited, the more anxious Rio was going to get. But there was no way he was going to leave Bex alone to try to talk to the man. Besides, he had no interest in anyone dying tonight. It was clear the warden had no issues killing non-fae. And the only examples of Bex’s magic that Rio had seen so far was her blowing things up. It was a hostile mixture. 

“It’s fine. Just keep your eye out for the door okay? I’m going to go get him” He hated the words even has he said them, but pulled his jacket tighter shut and left quickly. His legs were going to give out quickly if he fought it off any longer. His choice now was to get in and get out quickly. He hoped that the sight of Rio would peak the hunter’s interest enough to follow him. As long as he didn’t call him out in front of the entire bar, this would probably end in no death.

The place hadn’t changed a bit, right down to the nausea Rio felt being inside of it. He stood in the entrance way for a while, looking past the prying eyes turning to see who had just walked in. Many faces were familiar, and from the look on their faces Rio could tell they recognized him too. The kid whose parents got offed by the supernatural last year. The news had spread through the hunter community that had known his parents. He didn’t want to give them a chance to start a conversation, so he pushed on his tippy toes and glanced around the bar as if looking for someone. Rio spotted him in the corner of the bar, eyes staring directly in Rio’s direction. So he noticed me too. Great. Though this was technically according to plan, he still hated the feeling of that man looking at him. When the man stood up, Rio spun in place and pushed out the door, glancing at the shop window and pointing in the direction down the street before high tailing away from the bar.

Since coming to this shitstain of a town, Jim’d learned two things: the people were fucking crazy, and what the Silver Bullet lacked in company and good beer, it made up for in information. And interesting sightings. He’d been feeling like shit since those two kids handed him his ass on a platter. One twerpy boy and an already injured fae should’ve been cake to take down, but somehow they’d gotten the better of him, and he couldn’t stand it, trying to swallow down the bitterness of it with watery beer. He couldn’t figure out what was wrong. He’d thought maybe the boy had been brainwashed, promised into protecting the fae, but that hadn’t appeared to be the case. Then he’d thought the fae might try to flee while he took care of the boy, but she’d stuck around, and the two of them had managed to wail on him until he hadn’t been able to stand. Fucking kids. He’d kill the boy just for interrupting with his hunt, but not before he made the little punk tell him where the fae was. He’d make a pretty penny off of her, he just knew it. Somebody was always in the market for nix teeth and scales, and hers had been a nice, silvery color from what he could remember of her goddamn hand and claws ripping into him. He’d kill her slow, make it hurt. He’d be doing the world a service, too.

It was Jim’s lucky night, too. Not the fae; of course it’d be too easy to give him the fae, but the punk was in the Silver Bullet of all places, locking eyes with Jim and then scurrying a way like the fucking pest that he was. Jim grinned at the bartender and laid down his money. “Duty call, pal.” He headed out the door, following the kid and his weird gestures. Maybe the fae was around here after all, though he couldn’t sense her. He allow a bit of iron to concentrate in his hands, though, before reaching for the gun holstered under his jacket. No sword, this time. No point in losing another fine weapon when iron bullets did their job on all kinds of targets. “Hey, Peter Pan!” Jim called out. “Where are you, boy? I just wanna talk about your friend from the other day.”

Bex watched Rio scurry off and stilled herself, watching the door. She wasn’t a hunter or anyone who hurt people by a long shot-- she wasn’t like Nell, her magic wasn’t the kind you used to fight, and she wasn’t like Mina, she wasn’t strong or capable-- but Nell had given her the tools to do what neither of them could. Stop it before it even started. And oh, would she. She wasn’t going to let anyone hurt Mina again. Not like this. Not with broken bones and hand-shaped burns, and black-eyes. She could protect people, too. 

Her eyes locked with Rio’s when he exited the bar. The man was coming. Rio darted towards an emptier part of the street, and Bex dropped whatever distraction she’d been holding and followed after, watching the man leave the bar in a hurry, trailing Rio towards the abandoned bits of town. Bex looked as innocent as a flower, with her pretty, blue dress, her hair tied up nice, and her matching purse. She followed casually behind the man, despite the anger in her stomach making her fingers feel like they were on fire. Somehow, there was no fear. No worry. No anxiety. Just anger. 

The man turned off behind one of the buildings after Rio and Bex followed close behind them. He called out, but Rio didn’t answer. Bex cleared her throat. “I’m sorry,” she said, clicking her heels on the cement, “are you looking for someone?”

This had been Orion’s own idea, yet his heart exploded in his chest as he rushed out of the bar and down the street. He could hear the hunter behind him, the heavy footsteps loud enough that Rio’s hunter senses weren’t even necessary. He dipped into the alleyway, dipping behind a dumpster and pressing his back against it. The hunter would find him. Rio knew that much. He couldn’t hide forever. He looked for anything he could to defend himself, eventually settling on a broken piece of wood from a nearby pallet board. He gripped the wood tightly and held it against his chest, waiting for the footsteps. They drew closer and closer, feet away from him now until he heard Bex’s voice cut through the quiet of the night. Jesus. She really had no fears. Rio inched closer to the dumpster. He needed to be ready to jump in if the hunter lunged for her. 

Jim was expecting a boy, not a girl to start talking to him. He turned around to face the voice and relaxed. Easy. Just a girl, no fae, just a kid in a dress with a purse to match it. “Heya, little lady. Yeah, yeah, I’m looking for a boy about,” he put up his hand, guessing the size of the kid from when he’d last seen him, “yay high?” Runty looking, he almost said, but he was playing nice. Girl was probably a normie. “Might look a little skittish. Kid owes me something, and I need to talk to him real bad.” He put his thumbs in his front pockets, his posture loose, easy. Then he said, “Or he might have a friend with him? Been needing to talk to her, too. She’s about your height, wide eyes.” Doesn’t fucking belong here. “I just need to talk to them both like you believe. Saw them the other day, but they just ran off before we could have our chat, can you believe that? You’re not rude like that, are you, sweetheart? You’d tell me if you saw them?”

She hated the way he talked. So many men had talked to her like that in her life already. It only made her more sure of what she was going to do. What that was? Even Bex wasn’t sure yet, but it was going to be something. Her magic could mess with people’s heads, that’s what she knew for sure. She’d given Eddie her memories of Kyle, had linked her and Kyle’s thoughts, had jumped through Hina’s dreams-- whatever she was going to do to this man, he was going to be left wishing he’d never laid a hand on Mina, or Rio. She smiled pleasantly. “Oh! You must mean Rio,” she said, grinning wider. “He owes you something? That’s strange. He usually always makes sure he follows up on that kinda stuff.” She tapped the strap of her purse, as if in thought. “A girl?” she tilted her head, innocently. All those years of pretending to be proper, pretending to be a good girl were paying off, weren’t they? She knew exactly how to be sweet and unassuming to old men who would never even guess that she hid a power they couldn’t fight again. “Do you mean...Mina? Brown hair, beautiful hazel eyes? A voice that sounds like a babbling brook?” She kept the innocent look on her face. “Are those the two you mean? My friends?” Her voice grew dark in a way she hadn’t known possible of herself, but she couldn't hold it back. “Do you mean the friends of mine you tried to kill, simply because, what?” she held her hand out in a shrugging gesture, “you’re human and they’re not?”

Well, this was… confusing. Jim furrowed his brow, lips dragging down into a frown as he looked at the girl in front of him. “Well, now, I don’t know names or anything like that, but--” Well, huh. Jim relaxed his face, looking at this girl with new eyes. Little lady had bite, then. “Like I said, don’t know names. And I don’t know if I’d say ‘babbling brook.’” He laughed, finding irony in the descriptor. Of course this girl would say that the water nymph sounded like a goddamn stream. “She did babble, though, on and on about shit I just didn’t care about until I shut her up. Got to give it to her, though. Wretch didn’t cry out when I snapped her arm.” This one wasn’t fae, but, just like the boy, she was a liability. Pixy-led, they called them, led astray or promise bound, tricked by the trickiest of the supernaturals. This girl was just like the boy, a fool to fall for a pretty facade. Beautiful hazel eyes. Jim wondered if this girl would think they were so beautiful if they were the last thing she saw as she got dragged under the waves. “I’m like pest control, girl. That’s all there is to it. I’m getting rid of dangerous things. Things you might think you understand, but that you just don’t. Now, you can tell me where this Rio is, this Mina is, or you can stay the hell out of my way. We clear?”

It wasn’t the way he talked to her that set Bex off, no. It wasn’t even the things he was saying, or the way in which he talked down to her, like she knew nothing and was nothing, the same way her parents did. No, it was the casualty with which he talked about snapping Mina’s arm. Bex couldn’t help the release of anger that erupted from her. The windows next to the man cracked and shattered. The dumpster Rio hid behind caved in as if by some invisible force, crashing into it. Bex’s chest flared and she breathed in deeply, holding it. How dare he hold that memory like a laugh in his mind. How dare he think about Mina as if she were prey, a pest. Her teeth clenched so hard together she heard her jaw pop. “Stop,” she hissed through her teeth, and a pulse of magic went out and it commanded him, whether he wanted to or not, to stop. Stop talking, stop moving, stop thinking. “You get her name out of your mouth.” Her hand tightened on the strap of her purse, and, slowly, she removed it from her shoulder, setting it on the ground. Inside it, the ingredients she’d used for the spell, red hot on the palm of her hands. She locked eyes with Rio behind the man. Her entire body was shaking, and she couldn’t tell if it was from anger or fear, but she began her path forward, towards the man. Her hands were tingling with what felt like fire, all of her energy concentrated in them. She’d rip the memories from his head if she had to. She’d decided-- she would not let this man hurt anyone, ever again. “She is not a pest,” she said with shaky conviction in her voice, “and right now, she’s not the dangerous one.” She reached out her hands, placed them on the man’s head. “I am.”

Jim immediately realized that something was fucked up when he couldn’t move. He couldn’t flinch as the glass rained down on him, couldn’t blink, could even move his eyes from where they were focused on this goddamn child in front of him. Motherfucking witches. He didn’t think that witches gave two shits about fae, but what the hell did he know about these fucking kids? All of them had gone off the deep end. His brain felt like the cogs in it had grinded to a stop before they sputtered back to life, and he started to regain pieces of himself the closer the girl walked to him. He could move his eyes. He could twitch his fingers. He could grit his teeth. When she reached her hand out, Jim jerked his up. “Nice try, kid,” he grunted out, taking her hand before she could touch his head. “But I’ve dealt with fae mind magic my whole goddamn life. You’re gonna have to be better than that.” He grinned, savagely. What an important little fae this must be if she had not one but two humans at her beck and call. “Mina, Mina, Mina,” he drawled out mockingly. “What a fucking whiny name. Can’t believe something like that’s got a witch on her side, of all things.” He brought her hands down to her waist. “You’re not dangerous, sweetheart. You’re just fucking annoying.”

The movement caught Bex by surprise. She probably should have been afraid-- this man had ruthlessly attacked Mina, had even tried to go through Rio to get to her-- but she couldn’t feel her fear through all of the anger coursing through her. It was an unstoppable energy now, even as her hands were yanked down to her sides and she was held in place. She tried to pull from his grip, but he was too strong, and she couldn’t move. Her eyes went to Rio behind them. She wanted to call for his help, but her magic was volatile, he might get hurt. “Stay back!” she shouted instead. She hoped it would distract him enough to look away, but the fact of the matter was that she didn’t need him to look away. Instead, she threw her head forward, like they had taught her in those self-defense classes, and slammed her head as hard as she could into his nose. She could hear it crack. Her head splintered with pain-- oh, yeah, she had a cut on her head. It didn’t matter. None of it mattered. She saw the gun on his hip and it just didn’t matter. What mattered was Mina. And how he kept saying her name and how he kept thinking about killing her and Bex wanted it to stop. She wanted him to suffer, to feel the pain and hurt and agony he had caused every fae he’d met up until this moment. And she wanted him to crumble to his knees. And she let go of all of her energy, eyes flashing, and let it pour into his head as she focused on everything she wanted this man to feel. And when he crumpled, she would take everything else from him. She would tear Mina’s name from his mouth and his mind and she would make him wish he’d never met them. 

Hunter reflexes or not, Orion knew that Bex’s magic was keeping him preoccupied. He took the opportunity when it prevented itself, sliding out from the dumpster and swinging his makeshift weapon like a bat, bringing the board against the back of the warden’s neck. If Bex’s magic was already overpowering him, then that would just add some extra fuel to the fire. The act of violence triggered a wave of unease in Rio, but he tried to remind himself of how passionately the man had tried to kill Mina and Rio just days ago. He just needed to remember that they weren’t here to kill him. Unlike him, they weren’t monsters. Rio reached for his holster, unclipping and pulling the gun free. He hated the way it fit into his palm. He had always hated guns even more than usual weaponry, but he knew how to work one. His parents had made sure of that. He pressed the magazine release, dropping the round from the gun and then cocking back the slide to release the last bullet from the barrel. Once the gun was dismantled, he tossed the pieces aside. He had no plans of using the gun and he definitely didn’t want the hunter getting to it. “Unlike you, we don’t plan on killing you. We just want to make sure you’re going to leave our friend alone.”

“Fuck!” Jim managed to shout as the girl jerked her head against his nose, blood pouring out. It didn’t do anything more than piss him off, and he was about to tell this goddamn brat that before he felt something whack him against the back of the head. He stumbled, enraged like a bull with a red flag waving out in front of him. He was pissed off, and somebody was about to suffer for it, fae or not. Nobody taught their goddamn kids the rules anymore. Nobody taught their fucking offspring to stay out of a hunter’s way. As he was about to speak, Jim felt warm, like he tended to when he brought iron to the surface of his skin. Then he felt hot, burning, like he’d been sliced and burned and cut and scorched, an agonizing burn that started under his skin and in his brain, and he screamed out, as if he was on fire, but he wasn’t. He looked at his shaky hands, but they were fine. But Jim was on fire. He couldn’t even comprehend what the boy, the one from the woods and the one who hit him with a goddamn board, was saying to him. He couldn’t comprehend the sound of the magazine hitting the ground, and he couldn’t comprehend the sound of the gun being thrown. He could only comprehend the feeling of burning on his skin, and the smell of iron in his nose, and the screams that he recognized, vaguely, as ones that he’d caused melding with the sounds that came out of his clenched teeth as the realization that this is what cold iron felt like on the skin of a fae overwhelmed him. Jim fell to his knees, clawing at his skin. “Please,” he said, voice ragged, choked. “Make it stop, witch. Make it fucking stop.”

Bex stumbled and fell from his grip. Blood dripped down her head, the cut gashed back open. She fell to her knees, shaking. She’d used a lot of energy, she could feel it aching in her bones. But she wasn’t done. He was still able to feel and walk and talk and that wasn’t fair, was it? That wasn’t fair. He’d snapped Mina’s arm and tried to strangle Rio and if he was left to walk away from this unscatched, he’d do it again. She heaved a breath and stood back up on shaky legs, stumbling one step before catching herself. She locked eyes with Rio for a moment, breathing heavy, before she let her eyes fall back to the man on the ground, writhing in invisible pain. She’d done that. Nell was right. She had so much power. She managed to walk the few steps over to the man before she fell back to her knees in front of him. “Did you ever stop?” was all she asked, making sure he knew his fate before she reached her hand back out and placed it on his forehead. Just like in the books, she closed her eyes and concentrated on whatever memories he had of Mina, of Rio. Of hurting anyone who was fae. And she heaved with exhaustion as she cried out and ripped them from his head, her hand pulling back as if on fire, palm blazing red. 

There was nothing to do now but wait. Orion stole glances back and forth between the man and Bex. His breathing quickened as he looked away from the visible pain the man was in. He knew hunters exactly like him, had grown up with them. They valued pride above anything else. He would be doing everything in his power to remain stoic if he could. Whatever Bex was doing, it hurt. The thought made Rio uncomfortable, shifting back and forth in an attempt to clear his head from it. He thought about the way his vision began to blur as he was held underwater. This man was a monster. A murderer. If they didn’t do something, he would kill again. If the scene didn’t look so painfully cruel, Rio might almost be fascinated by what she was doing. Instead he tried to think about the fae that would be safer in the world. 

Jim managed to look up at this witch, this fucking child, who held so much distaste for him just from doing his goddamn job. He could just barely make out her question, but he couldn’t be bothered to be moved by it. Of course he hadn’t stopped, he wanted to say, but there were no words on his tongue. Why would he stop? He was doing his duty, and if that meant that he took a few extra lives that got in his way, then it didn’t matter. They were beyond saying. Fae were dangerous, they were cruel, and they would twist everything they could get their hands on until it was a perversion of itself. This girl would find that out eventually. The boy would, too. He couldn’t really voice that, though. Couldn’t really voice anything, and, as the girl cried out, Jim did, too, as he watched with his mind’s eye as all the parts of him that made him got dragged out, scrambled, distorted. Was it his mama that gave him his first knife or his pop? Was it a knife or a gun? Was it anything at all? Was he anything at all? He didn’t know. He slumped a bit, head bowed, and blood dripped from his nose onto the ground in front of him. Glassy eyes stared at it but didn’t see. He didn’t know anything at all, really. 

Bex’s lungs heaved for air as she fell away from the man, a coughing fit overcoming her; she laid out in the alley on her back, just trying to breathe. She’d used too much, she knew that, but she didn’t care. She tasted iron in the back of her throat, on her tongue, wiped it from her lips once she’d stopped hacking up air. She sat up, the world was spinning, the road was stretching out before her, Rio somewhere down it, staring wide eyed. Visions of the man’s memories played behind her eyes and she blinked heavily several times to make them go away, speckles of light dotting her vision. “Is he…” she started to say, lightheaded and dizzy as she tried to climb to her feet, stumbling into a dumpster and collapsing back to the ground. She looked back at the man’s slumped form and knew that he was. He was gone. He wasn’t going to be hurting anyone, anytime soon. She’d done it. Blood trickled from her nose down over her lips as she smiled. “I did it,” she mumbled, before her world went black and she slumped backwards onto the pavement.

Eventually, the man stopped fighting against the magic and went still on his knees. Orion tilted his head slightly at the sight. He was breathing, Rio could hear it. But he didn’t look aware of his surroundings. He took a step toward the man, “You did it?” Rio asked, unsure exactly what she had just done exactly. But Rio wasn’t going to get an answer. He heard the rush of air and turned as Bex started to fall backwards. His reflexes kicked into effect quickly, his arm shooting forward so he could grab onto her wrist just before she hit the pavement. He breathed a quick sigh of relief that his hunter reflexes had at least been good for something tonight. “Uh… Bex?” Rio asked quietly, slowly lowering her against the ground. She was probably fine, right? He knew that spells could be draining. It must be that. He couldn’t stop himself from looking back at the hunter. It was a weird feeling, knowing that the two had just taken on a hunter. Even if Rio didn’t do much besides play bait. He took a small step back and patted the hunter’s shoulder, “I’m uh- sure that you’ll be fine here.” He mostly said to reassure himself before squatting down to lift Bex up and toss her over his shoulders. And she called him scrawny. He supposed he was responsible for getting her home now.