#//cora really saw a man with wet sad eyes; went ''is anyone gonna fall terribly in love with that?''

[paleontaxi]

Cora’s approach to goodness is interesting, to say the least, different, how she views it as more than a culmination of a person’s actions.  Most people would say that if you do bad things, you are a bad person, and that is how Jarod has felt about it, too.  He has never thought of himself as particularly good, even before Lola’s death.  He wasn’t awful, maybe, but he never went out of his way to do good by anyone other than Lola.  He was never accommodating or kind to strangers outside of where he had to be for work.  He was never there for people, and as such, he ended up with no one there for him until Cora came along.

Jarod has viewed his entire life as a grave he dug for himself.  With everything that has happened to him, he has thought of it as something that could have been avoided if not for one of his own shortcomings.  There are always other people to be blamed, his ex-wife for leaving him, the Brigades and Sonya for Lola’s death.  However, he still feels responsible and knows he cannot put the blame entirely on others.  No, he has never thought of himself as a good person because he would have an easier time keeping people around if he was.

Those feelings have only worsened over the past ten years, now that he is actively doing the wrong thing instead of neglecting to do the right one.  While his inaction before did not make him a good person, his action nowadays must make him a bad one.  Society agrees, and they would arrest him if word about his activities got out.

Cora doesn’t see things that way, though.  She sees more to him than just the things he has done.  She takes the intentions and emotions behind them into account, even though he is not sure she should. He does not think he deserves that kind of consideration, not after all the lives he has ended and ruined, but he has never been able to convince her of that, and… he is grateful for it.  He needed the chances she has given him, regardless of whether he has deserved any of them.  She can try to say he did it all for himself, but if she had never stuck her neck out for him, he never would have gotten better.  She is the one who made him believe that goodness was more than what he initially thought, and he realized he still had a spark of it left in him because of her.

He has never wanted to hurt her, not even once from the day they met, when he stood in that hotel room, wringing his hands and telling her that he did not do stuff like this often.  That was the nice way to say it had been an eternity since he had last fucked anyone.  Perhaps it was that concern over what she might think of him (seeing as how it isn’t exactly like riding a bike and you do forget a few things), an apologetic sort of consideration that she might not get from everyone, that made her see something soft in him.  He was clearly not there to do any harm, just assuage his loneliness.

He had no way of knowing that his loneliness would be beaten back for more than that one night, that Cora would become a more permanent fixture in his life.  Moreover, the light she has brought him by being here has changed him, smoothed over at least some of that grief, some of that rage.

When she pulls her hand away from him, he does not push it.  Seeing her being the shy one for a change is a bit funny.  When he first met her, she was bold and sassy, and she still is, of course.  But now, he sees deeper into the core of her person, past the exaggerated front she wore for work.  She is so soft, much more than anyone might expect, but not weak, just gentle and loving.

“Humility’s not a good look on you,” he jests, laughter in his warm, dark eyes.  He leans forward to better read Cora’s expression behind the curtain of dark waves.  “You gotta take credit where it’s owed to you.  Never thought I’d have to tell you that.”  Cora made it pretty far in life on her own; she was savvy, making sure she never got cheated out of shit.

He leans back, looks down at his dinosaur, and pushes some of its purple fur, which dinosaurs are not supposed to have, out of its eyes.  Then, he shakes his head.  “I didn’t know where to start.  I was drowning and couldn’t tell which way was up until you pulled me out, so just…”  He smacks his stuffed dinosaur against her arm.  “...accept the damn compliment, will you?”

Jarod did not know what he was going to do if and when he ever finished his plans for revenge.  He likely would have shot himself—end of the line.  But now, more chapters have been added to his story, chapters including Cora, and he wants to see them through to the end.  “Trust me, if left to my own devices, I know myself well enough to say I never would have pulled this off.”

a smile graces her lips , soft around edges as a warm light seems to spark behind blue hues as they traced around the other's features ; the sharpness of his cheeks , the shadow of his stubble that peppered across his jaw , the rich brown that seemed to match the the booze that he drinks , bringing the same layer of comfort that came from a shot of his regular order - he's come a long , long way from when they first met - his growth , being around to witness him pull himself together , to have the strength to lift himself from the ground &. see that the world wasn't just bad , that light existed along the dark , has certainly been a privilege ; something she'll be thinking about for the rest of her life .

the more jarod &. her began to connect , in ways that were certainly unprofessional on her part , she knew he was one of the good ones , he had done horrible things ; who hasn't ? he was another example of trauma taking control ; of grief warping someone's sense of self , sending them into autopilot . it didn't make him bad , it made him human , so painfully , wonderfully human . it put on display how much he truly cared , how deeply he loved &. so fiercely loyal . humans were both the most strongest &. fragile things on earth , coraline thinks those two words describe him perfectly .

cause of you . oh. then, i met you .

❛ oh ❜

there's a slight widen in eyes , unable to stop herself from staring ; waiting for the punchline that must be on the tip of his tongue , yet … nothing , the sincerity of the confession that had her breath hitching , the conviction paired with the truth that lingered behind his eyes .

a pale dust of pink quickly forms , starting from the bridge of freckled nose all the way to her matching cheeks . she hates how she can feel the heat radiating from her , how the room seemed to grow hotter with the emotions that bubbled in chest ; she's embarrassed , bewildered , nervous - all while a burst of happiness seems to explode from inside out . she isn't sure why it sparks something to life that was buried deep inside her chest , but it did &. she'd be more than happy for it to go back to sleep .

she fails to see the hand that reaches for her , palm that was once on the floor was brought back towards herself , it wasn't intentional , a quick action born of emotions that seemed to overtake her . instead , opting to fiddle with the plastic dinosaur she had picked up in idle while they spoke ; an ankylosaurus , one of her favourites . she moves the tail side to side , pad of thump tracing the bolder at the end .

the notion of helping people … it was still somewhat new to her . she had grown up a lot , but there was still much self nurturing that was needed ; parts she wasn't at all ready for , pieces of herself to put out there that she didn't even want to acknowledge in herself yet . however she did her best to put good out in the world in what little ways she can ; mostly through her work , being there for others when they allow her ( when she could allow herself to push that little bit further ) , small day to day actions when the dark cloud was easier to navigate . doing the small things to stay in tuned with her humanity , with a soul she knows she has that was perhaps was a little darker than most ; with people , it was crucial that she did . but she never thought she was capable of doing what jarod was now claiming .

❛ i … hope you know , that … wasn't me ❜ heart beats wildly in chest , she feels it in her ears ; voice uncharacteristically low , the confidence melting away as she fought against speaking too loud , to avoid shouting over the ocean of blood that was making itself known between eyes ❛ it was you . if even the smallest piece of you didn't want to … open up , or - feel like that again - you wouldn't have ❜ she's finding it hard to keep her focus on jarod , he seems too bright - near blinding ❛ you might have needed me to kick you in the arse a little ... ❜ a small chuckle , an handful of curls falling in front of face as head dips down for a moment ❛ but … this ? it's all you , tiger ❜ and it's one of the reasons why she's developed some subconscious habits involving him ; how she looks at him the way she does , the way she lingers when they're around each other , how her mind drifts to him , searching for him even when she knows he's nowhere near ; somehow , coraline remains blissfully unaware of the things that make her feel so intertwined with him .