#//along with ya know... 5000 other things and general stuff of that nature.

[fatebreaking-a]

“What are you apologizing for?” ( akali to irelia )

| @unholyshe / Apologies. | Maybe kind of canon.

“...I.” Her lips part as she stares at the smaller and far more fierce woman in front of her. It was rare for either of them to apologize. Throughout their initial friendship to fake relationship and then to a very real relationship, the number of times the words ‘I apologize’ had come forth were few. Not out of pride but out of simple consideration. Despite Akali’s fiery spirit and wild side and despite Irelia’s coarse attitude lacking any subtlety, both of them took plenty of effort to be considerate to one another.

The way that Akali carefully picked her words so her straightforwardly dense partner wouldn’t misunderstand and the way that Irelia calmly, softly, and firmly reminded her partner to take care of herself - the way that these two mixed, apologies did not come out often. There was pleading, subtle misunderstandings, and plenty of talk, trying to understand each other, but apologies were rare.

Because Irelia never thought that Akali tried to hurt her, not even once. That her partner was malicious in any manner was improbable, impossible, so even when Irelia expressed her discontentment, ‘sorry, I’ll be more careful’ was more than enough to satisfy the pilot. And for the same reason, when Akali fought with her, Irelia’s affirmations came smoothly - ‘I understand, thank you for explaining it to me.’ Between the two of them, they had managed to build something unusually tender and warm. And between the two of them, apologies were uncommon, because they apologized and loved with their actions and their habits, in every breath of their romance.

So she doesn’t know what to say.

Irelia doesn’t know how to answer the question of why, croaking, creaking, an uncalled for ‘I’m sorry’ that only made her heart grow heavier and heavier fell from her lips, relieving none of the burden. She’s just standing there, dull expression strained with tension.

“Lia.” Akali’s voice fills their apartment as she turns around, dropping Irelia’s suitcase by the side. “Xan Irelia, speak to... ... ...” Akali stops, just staring for a while, unable to move, unable to parse this side of Irelia she’s never seen before. She’s heard many things from the former war pilot, horrible things, and her hypervigilance was plain to see, but Irelia still somehow made it sound like it happened to another person, in another life. As though she was carrying the burdens of someone else, worn down by exhaustion alone...

“I’m... I don’t know why.” Short on words as ever, Irelia manages her response in a hoarse whisper. For a brief moment, for the briefest blink of her eyes, Akali fears that Irelia is coming apart at the seams like a doll stuffed too full. Irelia’s hand reaches back, tap, tap, tap, pressing against the door behind her. She seems almost reassured that she will not fall into an abyss as she leans back slightly, hand still tapping once or twice.

“Do I... deserve this? You? Aren’t you...” She is not an insecure person. Irelia has never seemed that way, never come off that way, asking for reassurances or clinging too hard. Her thoughts remain closed tightly in a box that Akali can never reach and throughout their whole relationship, fake and real, Irelia had remained confident and capable. She seemed entirely certain that she could stand by Akali’s side without any concern. Not once in the months and months and months had Irelia ever expressed doubt that she had the right to stand here, even as she stumbled over every step trying to cherish Akali.

Which is why, more than anything else, this made no sense. Akali drops her coat as well, stepping a little closer, stopping when Irelia flinches and pushes back into the door. The light switch is closer to the pilot, but she hasn’t reached for it in all this time. She only pushes further back into the door, looking at Akali as though she’s a ghost.

“What happened on your trip, Lia? Hey...” She doesn’t know what to do, of course. The way Irelia is acting, it leaves Akali at a loss. This is new territory, uncharted, because the ‘full of contradictions’ Irelia had never shown herself to be anything less than a steady, unshakable rock. Like the greatest willow, Irelia provided shade and shelter from sun or showers, rain or shine, and that great willow looks as though she has been split apart by lightning. But why now, why when they had walked through the door, when they were now safe in their own apartment?

Oh.

Oh, oh, oh.

Because we’re safe here.

It’s so unbelievable that it’s the only thing that makes sense to Akali. For Irelia, who never shows her weak sides and acts as though she is separate from her pain, she would never allow herself to break anywhere else. Not at the airport, not in the taxi, not in the elevator up to the apartment either - only here, alone, with her. It’s so stupid that Akali feels almost flattered, if not for the pinpricks of tears in the corner of Irelia’s eyes.

“Irelia. You’re having a panic attack.”

“I’m... I don’t get panic attacks,” she wheezes out, as her legs lose their strength and she slides onto the floor. Irelia is struggling to form a coherent thought, simply refusing the claim as the room spins and she finally allows her left hand to clutch her chest. You do not get to be weak. You do not get to have a happy ending. You do not get redemption. You can be kind, be firm, be sincere, be everything else, but never weak. Live with your sins. You have no choice, you cannot collapse under the weight of what you’ve done, that’s-

“Irelia.” Akali’s hand reaches out, taking Irelia’s trembling hand. “Count down from ten with me. Ten...”

[phonaesthemes]

a list of asks

@padawanyugi tagged me in this, but Tumblr decided to eat any notification that I got tagged, so I’m glad I saw it on my dash because I like filling these things out. Thanks for tagging me! I may have typed A Lot.

Favorites: What types of books do you enjoy? Tell about what you’ve read recently (Or maybe about a book you hated recently!)I like spec-fic and sci-fi, although less “hard” science fiction, and I also enjoy fantasy. I read a lot of YA even though I’m in my 30s just because it seems easy to find a story I want to read and I’m not usually in the mood for dense prose.

I’ve been rereading the Wheel of Time series since it’s getting an Amazon TV show; it was my first non-LOTR fantasy series and I love it to death, warts and all, although I love joking about the weak points with other people who’ve read it. I think the last other thing I read was A Gentleman’s Guide to Vice and Virtue, which was a queer YA historical fiction, and it was a lot of fun. I wish I’d had access to all these queer stories when I was an actual teenager, but better late than never.

What types of music do you like to listen to? Share five songs from your music library. I really do like a bit of everything, although I gravitate towards certain genres more often depending on the season or time of day, so I’m going to cheat and pick 5 per season. Summer for me is lots of peppy pop (pride playlists!), punk and rock and punk-adjacent stuff, just upbeat stuff in general. -Weekender, by The Royal They -Break My Heart, by Dua Lipa -Toutes les femmes savent danser, by Loud -Ruby Soho, by Rancid -Womanarchist, by Bad Cop, Bad Cop

In the fall, my inner goth kid craves darkwave, goth rock, dramatic folk, roots rock, and also anything that reminds me of Halloween. -Iuka, by the Secret Sisters -Bela Lugosi’s Dead, by Bauhaus -How’s It Gonna End, by Tom Waits -Under the Milky Way, by The Church -I Put a Spell on You, by Screamin’ Jay Hawkins I could go on about the Christmas music I like at length (Boney M’s Christmas album slaps, ngl) but I’ll just skip that and say that I listen to more classical and piano pieces in the winter. I’m terrible at remembering names, so artists only: -Ludovico Einaudi -Chopin -Debussy -Saint-Saëns -Dvořák And in spring I’m usually just depressed af and listen to whatever. -FML, by K.Flay -Weird Part of the Night, by Louis Cole -Juodaan Viinaa, by Korpiklaani -P.O.H.U.I., by Carla’s Dreams -Marryuna, by Baker Boy

Do you have a show or movie that you can just put on anytime and it’s your comfort? Definitely Star Trek. I’ve rewatched the various iterations (except TOS) so many times. Also Mean Girls and Bring It On, idk why.

Do you have a favorite dessert? Tiramisu or creme brulée! Or macarons. I don’t eat dessert really unless I’m at a restaurant.

Do you have a favorite cold drink? Sparkling water, hands down.

Do you have a favorite game? The hours I have put into the SIms in my lifetime is probably shameful, although I haven’t played in a while. Don’t Starve is another contender for hours played, but I am also really fond everything by Amanita Design

Do you have a favorite part of your self care/beauty/health routine? I haven’t been doing it much lately since I’ve been dealing with some uncertain health issues with my joints (actually have a rheumatologist appointment later today), but savasana after a long yoga workout is borderline ecstasy.

Do you have a favorite type of take-out food? Indian for sure.

What’s your favorite type of exercise/physical activity? I have a love-hate relationship with running. I don’t actually love it but I love how I feel after. I really enjoy yoga. I love playing in the water at the beach, bodyboarding and swimming.

Pick between: (you choose the context)

Cook or bake? (I love cooking A Lot)

Space or ocean? (Hard to pick, but I grew up by the ocean and it’s 100% my happy place)

Chocolate or vanilla?

City or suburb or rural? (I grew up in an isolated rural village and I miss the quiet and the slower pace of life, but I do not miss the lack of amenities and opportunities, or the smalltown gossip. I also don’t drive bc of epilepsy, so I’m fucked as far as transport in rural settings.)

Past or future?

Shower in the morning or evening?

Mac/Apple or PC/Android? (Linux in general!)

Sing or dance?  (I don’t have an amazing voice but I can carry a tune without it being painful, and I love singing along with songs.)

Get up early or sleep in? (I actually love sleeping in but with two kids, early morning is my only time to myself, so I wake up before 6 most days AGGH.)

Shoes, socks, or bare feet? (Hate socks. I’m barefoot at home all year round.)

Marker, crayon, or pencil? Pen!

Tea, coffee, or hot chocolate? (Coffee in the morning, tea later on.)

Random questions:

Have you ever had any pets? (Had dogs and a cat as a kid, and as an adult I’ve had betta fish and cats, and I have a cat currently.)

What is your academic background/job field? I did my undergrad in linguistics, and I am currently a stay-at-home dad lol. I do freelance editing and transcription on the side. I don’t think I’ll ever work in my field bc I really don’t have the energy to go to grad school.

What’s something random that you’re into (even if you aren’t good at it)? I signed up for a Cape Breton step dancing class in university and I loved it.

Are you good at putting away your clean laundry right away? It depends on the day, but generally yes. Mine and everyone else’s. When I lived alone? Absolutely not.

What’s one of your pet peeves? Someone trying to have a conversation with me when they have the radio or TV on. I can’t follow what you’re saying if someone else is speaking! I hate having that stuff on as background noise in general.

What’s something you’re pretty good at? I’m a great cook.

What’s the most recent nice thing you bought for yourself? A new conditioner ig? lol

Can you sew? I can mend a small tear or sew on a button, but it’s been years since I did more than that.

What’s a chore you hate (or a chore you enjoy)? I hate vacuuming so much. So much. Maybe if I had a better vaccuum cleaner I wouldn’t mind it, but I just feel like I’m fighting with the stupid thing, getting caught up on its own cords, caught on furniture, can’t quiiiite reach a spot... HATE IT. I like shoveling snow sometimes, though.

Tell us a fun fact about yourself. I am 20 years older than my youngest sibling, and five minutes younger than my “oldest” sibling.

Never have I ever... Gone fishing, even though I’m from a fishing community.

What extracurriculars did/do you do in school? In high school, I played trumpet in band until the band got dissolved from lack of funding. I played soccer one year, was in a play another year. We had an art club for like a semester that I was in. In university the first time round, I did step dancing and intramural hide and seek  Second time around, I was in the linguistics club to help with assignments. (We were very much encouraged to work in pairs or groups for a lot of different classes. The only thing was that you did need to list your group members on the assignment so the prof knew who you worked with. My first morphology class in particular, we had a whole homework club where a huge portion of the class got together to work through assignments and help each other understand, and the prof would quite often show up. </tangent>

Deeper questions:

How’s your quarantine/last few months been? The cabin fever was really bad before the weather warmed up. I struggle with seasonal depression every spring, and it’s gotten much worse since we moved to Edmonton because of how long the winters are. (Snow from September to May/June? Fucccck.) It’s frankly horrifying to look at what’s going on in the US, but even though we have far fewer cases here, I’m really anxious that we’ll see another wave soon. Otherwise, I think I’ve adjusted. Home-schooling, hand-sanitizing, social distancing, masks...All feels kind of normal now, which should maybe concern me.

What do you think of human nature/society/etc.? I am like the least philosophical person you will meet so I don’t think I really have many thoughts.

What’s something you are insecure about? Writing my L2 if a native speaker is gonna read it.

What do you think is the meaning of life/reason that humans exist in the universe? I don’t think there is one, and that doesn’t bother me.

Do you think you’re better (whatever that means to you) than you used to be? Definitely. My adolescence and early adulthood was rough. I was dealing with a lot of trauma, untreated bipolar disorder, and I self-harmed for a very long time. I could not imagine making it to 30, let alone being stable and happy. I actively avoided thinking about the future because it made me spiral. But I was lucky enough to get help, consistent help from a doctor I clicked with, and it made a world of difference. I think younger me would be disappointed at how mundane my life is, but I’m thrilled to be boring because boring means no life-upending mood episodes. I have a happy partnership and two delightful kids and I couldn’t ask for more.

What are your thoughts on religion? I’m not religious and my own experience being raised in the Catholic church was frankly traumatic, but I know that it’s a source of comfort and community for many others and I think that’s awesome for them.

Do you think that there are aliens out there? I think so, although I think that we may not even know what other kinds of life to look for and may not recognize it even if we find it.

What’s something that’s been on your mind recently? We’re moving cross-country in less than a month (driving, no less, nearly 5000 km) and I still have so much to do to get ready aosjdoajdoasijdoaijsd