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this-sapphic-paradise · 7 years ago

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When Push Comes to Shove

Chapter 5 - The Mother

( AO3 link/ please consider buying me a coffee ^^ )

Longest chapter I’ve ever written, so strap in x.x Plus, a cute Supergirl/Lena moment.

"Ruby!" Sam calls out to her daughter as she walks into the house with Alex following right behind her.

"Yeah?" The answer comes from upstairs, and both Alex and Sam can hear a door opening, and Ruby's footsteps echoing through the house as she makes her way down the stairs. "Alex!!" she exclaims excitedly when she sees the agent standing next to her mom, and Ruby greets her with a tight hug. "Are you sleeping over again??"

"Hi to you too, munchkin." Sam chuckles, kissing the top of her daughter's head.

"Hi, mom," Ruby replies with a cheeky smile. "So, are you sleeping over?" she asks Alex again.

"Yes," Alex grins and nods, placing her hands on her hips. "I made you a promise last night, remember?"

The words make Ruby grin and nod enthusiastically, but Sam is lost. "Wait, what promise?"

Ruby is quiet for a second before she relents and says, "Alex promised she'd help you get better. You know, to try and make the nightmares stop."

"Oh, did she??" Sam smirks at Alex, but it quickly turns into a genuine smile, and once again Sam is filled with the sensation that everything will be okay; she managed being a teenage-mother all by herself, and now she has people by her side who will try their best to help her. Everything will be okay, Sam repeats to herself like a mantra.

"Mhm." Alex nods with a proud little smile tugging at the corner of her lips. This is what she's good at, being the protector, making sure those close to her are safe and sound. "I promised I'd do everything I could," she says looking at Sam's eye. "And I meant it."

"I know," Sam replies. She truly wants to believe it with every fiber of her being, but the betrayal she suffered from her mother has left Sam in a constant state of alertness; a deep-seeded belief that no matter how sweet people are toward her, when she needs them the most, they will turn around and leave her.

Sadness clouds her eyes for a moment, but Sam snaps out of it, mentally berating herself for letting her mother have such an effect on her. No, Sam tells herself, Alex is different. And even if she isn't, I'm not a kid anymore. I'm strong, I have Ruby, and I can deal with whatever comes my way.

"Mom?" Ruby's soft voice breaks Sam's haze. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah." Sam shakes her head as if it to clear her mind, and she smiles. "Yeah, I am, sweetie." Giving Ruby another kiss on the top of her head, Sam says, "How about we order pizza tonight, from that place you like?"

"Yes!! Can we watch a movie after dinner?" Ruby asks, hopeful that her mother won't deny her this time.

"Is your homework done?" Sam checks.

"Yes, everything is done," Ruby says excitedly.

"Then okay," Sam concedes, grinning at her daughter's happiness.

"What kind of movies do you like, Alex?" Ruby asks curiously.

Before Alex can reply, Sam catches her eye with a silent motion that says she's just going to walk away to order the pizza. Nodding at Sam, Alex turns her attention back to Ruby who's now guiding her toward the living room. "We have a bunch of DVDs, but we also have Netflix and Hulu, and--oh!! We can also rent something on iTunes, right mom?" Ruby shouts the last few words so Sam will be able to hear her.

Alex is pretty sure Sam couldn't make out what Ruby asked her, but she still yells back, "Yeah!!" making Alex chuckle.

"Well, I like basically any kind of movie, except rom-coms, I find them a little bit boring," Alex explains, scrunching up her nose for emphasis.

"I agree," Ruby says without missing a beat. She pulls Alex down, so they are sitting side by side on the couch, and continues, "They have very stupid jokes, and it's always the same thing…"

"Well," Alex smiles, "What movie do you wanna watch?"

"Mm…" Ruby grabs the remote control and turns on the TV. "Let's see what the options are…"

It takes them a long time to settle on a movie, long enough for Sam to finish her call and join them on the couch. "So, did you choose a movie?" she asks, hugging her daughter and pulling her closer, so Ruby is leaning against her.

"Yes! We haven't watched Moana yet, and Alex says it's a good movie," Ruby replies, tilting her head up to look at her mom.

"Sounds good to me," Sam says, shrugging slightly because she has no idea what the movie is about, but she would watch anything her daughter chose. "The pizza should be here in thirty minutes. We can start watching the movie, and pause it when the pizza gets here."

"Can we eat while we watch it? Pleeeeease?" Ruby begs, making her mother chuckle.

Sharing a look with Alex, Sam sighs overdramatically, and says, "Fine, we can eat here."

Alex laughs, finding the mother-daughter dynamic completely adorable, and she thinks she is lucky to be there, witnessing it.

They start watching the movie, and about ten minutes in, Alex's cellphone starts ringing. "Sorry, I'll be right back, don't pause the movie," she says, standing up to go to the kitchen to answer the phone. "Hey, Kara. What's up?"

"Hey! Wanna have a sisters' night tonight??" Kara asks chirpily on the other end.

Alex worries her lip, knowing her answer will probably get Kara feeling down. "I'm sorry, I can't… I promised Sam I'd sleep over again tonight."

"Oh…" Kara is quiet for a few seconds; she doesn't want to be alone, and the thought of Alex -- her sister -- spending more time with Sam, who might potentially turn bad, leaves a bitter taste in her mouth. "…Are you into her or something?" Kara asks with a bit of a bite to her words.

"What? Kara! No…" Alex sighs, rubbing her forehead with her free hand. "She's… She's just afraid she will have another nightmare and accidentally hurt Ruby. You know how scary it can be to have powers you can't control," Alex says softly, but her voice doesn't leave room for too much argument.

Kara paces in her apartment; something in her gut tells her this isn't going to turn out okay, but she can't explain why she feels that way. Maybe it's the fact that most people who have entered her life in the last two years have either died or left her. Or maybe there's a part of Kara who feels jealous and threatened about a new Kryptonian showing up like this. What if she's a better hero than me? What if National City doesn't need me anymore? What if Lena stops seeing Supergirl as a friend and mentor? The voices in the back of her mind whisper to her.

Shaking her head, Kara forces a smile to her lips -- even though Alex can't see her -- and says, "Yes, sorry. I understand. Be careful, okay?"

Alex sighs in relief at Kara's seemingly acceptance of her reasoning, and she nods, "Always am. Goodnight, Kara. I'll see you tomorrow."

"See ya," Kara replies and hangs up. She stares at her empty apartment, and it's as if the emptiness resonates within her, making her ache.

Kara thinks about calling Winn or James, but they are probably busy fighting crime together. She can't hang out alone with Lena in her own apartment, because if an emergency occurs, she'll have to make up an excuse to leave.

That dreadful feeling of anxiety was starting to take hold of Kara when a thought crosses her mind; I can visit Lena as Supergirl, she thinks, getting up fast to change into her super-suit. That way neither of us will be alone tonight, and I don't need to lie…much…

It's not long before Kara is landing gracefully at the balcony at Cat's office -- Kara still has some difficulty thinking of it as James's office even it has been his for more than a year now -- and she thinks of how much she misses Ms. Grant.

"Good evening, Miss Luthor," Kara greets softly as she knocks on the glass so as not to startle Lena, who seems to be deeply concentrated on what she is reading.

Lena's head snaps up, and she smiles at the sight of her favorite superhero. Lena gets up and goes over to the balcony to join Supergirl, "I thought we had agreed on you calling me Lena," she says with a teasing smile.

Kara chuckles and nods, "Yes. Lena, it is."

Leaning over the railing, Kara says looking over National City, "You're working late…"

"As usual," Lena scoffs playfully, mirroring the superhero's stance. She looks at Supergirl out of the corner of her eye, and asks, trying to sound nonchalant, "Is something bothering you?"

The question catches Kara off guard, and she frowns as she turns to Lena, "Why?"

"Well," Lena tries and fails to hide her smirk, "You usually only visit me when my life is in danger -- not counting that one time Morgan Edge was being an ass to me -- and as far as I know, I'm not in any mortal danger. So," The smirk shifts into a soft smile, "Is there anything bothering you?"

Kara regards Lena for a few seconds, weighing whether she should be truthful or not. Sighing, Kara nods, but she turns her gaze away from Lena.

"Okay…" Lena frowns, wondering what could be bothering the hero so much that she would come to her, but still feel reluctant to talk. "Is it something classified?"

Kara worries her bottom lip and nods again.

Sighing, Lena places a hand on Supergirl's shoulder, and says, "We can stay here in silence if you want."

Kara gives Lena a watery smile, feeling truly grateful to have such a good friend like her. "Thank you, Lena." she manages to say in a whisper.

They are quiet for a while, both women leaning against the railing, standing shoulder to shoulder. The silence isn't heavy, but Lena can feel Supergirl getting ready to either talk or leave. She knows the hero has come to a decision when she hears her asking lowly, "Do you have anyone in your life that you'd do anything to protect?"

Lena only needs to think for a second before her mind is flooding with images of Kara. With a light blush, Lena nods. "Yeah."

"What if… What if that person was trying to help someone -- a third person--, but you could feel it in your gut that things won't turn out well? What would you do?" Supergirl seems anguished, and it's such a shocking thing to see -- a strong hero acting as broken as a mere human -- that it takes Lena a few moments to gather her thoughts.

Her brows furrow in concentration, and she asks, "Can you prove things will turn out badly?" When Supergirl shakes her head in response, Lena sighs and says, "Then I guess all you can do is stand by your friend's side and be there to protect them however you can when things go down the wrong path."

It sounds rather obvious and simple, but something about hearing the words coming from someone as selfless as Lena put things into perspective for Kara, and she knows Lena is right; no matter what goes down, she will be there to protect Alex.

But what about Sam? Kara thinks, I need to protect her too… But how can I do anything if we have no idea what's going on?

"Supergirl!?"

Lena's surprised exclamation brings Kara back to reality, and she notices that she dented the railing by squeezing it too hard. "Sorry, Miss Luthor… I-I can pay for the damage," Kara says sheepishly.

Lena chuckles, and just waves off the offer. "It's okay, don't worry about it. But what got you so worked up?"

Supergirl rubs her face and paces around a little, making Lena think for a second that the scene looks rather familiar, but she turns her attention back to what the hero is saying. "May I ask you a… delicate question?"

Lena frowns, but curiosity gets the best of her, and she nods.

"If somehow, you were taken back to the past and you had a second chance to try and get to your brother, would you try harder to get through to him? Or… or would you just make contingency plans?"

It's Lena's turn to be taken aback by a question. If she didn't know Supergirl as well as she thought, Lena might think the hero was taking a jab at her, but she can tell by Supergirl's body-language that the answer is truly important to her. "I…" Lena trails off, because that's a question she needs to look deep within herself to answer. "I guess I'd have to say both."

Kara can see sadness clouding Lena's eyes, and she mentally berates herself for making her friend feel that way, but she needs her help, so she listens attentively as Lena begins to explain herself.

"I mean, how could I not try to dissuade my brother from committing those atrocious acts? I'd do everything and more to get him to stay on a good path, but if I kept seeing the signs, if I kept seeing the red flags, then I'd do everything in my power to foil his plans…" Lena sighs, and looks down at the city for a few seconds before saying, "I think… once you've intentionally taken an innocent life… I think, once you've crossed that line, there's no turning back… I'd do anything to make sure Lex never crossed that line."

Before she knows it, Lena is being turned around and engulfed by strong arms in a warm, tender hug. "I'm sorry, Lena… I wish I could make that happen for you."

Lena is stunned for a few seconds, but the words soothe her, and she tentatively hugs the hero back. "It's too late for Lex," she whispers around the knot that formed in her throat as tries not to cry, "but it doesn't sound like it's too late for the person you're worried about."

Kara pulls back and gives a slight nod. Fidgeting with her cape and letting her gaze fall to the ground, she says, "You're right. It's just… these past couple of years I lost a lot of people… Came close to losing many more… I guess it's all finally catching up with me… A-And lately it's been getting harder for me to stay positive…" Kara confesses feeling somewhat ashamed of herself; but at the same time, just by saying the words out loud, Kara feels an unbearable weight being lifted off her shoulders.

For the second time that night Lena is stunned into silence. Supergirl just admitted a flaw to her; a Super willingly revealed a weakness to a Luthor. All Lena can think is, She really trusts me. In her way, she really does trust me.

"It's okay to feel that way, I mean--" Lena closes her eyes and shakes her head slightly as if it would help her think of encouraging words. When she opens her eyes again, Lena gives Supergirl a sympathetic smile and tries again, "What I mean is, you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, and you've lost more than any human will ever understand. So it's okay if you can't always be positive. It's okay if you need those around you to give you strength and remind you why it is that you put on your suit and fight every day," Blushing, Lena tentatively steps closer to the hero, and continues, "I know you're not human, but you've been living among us for a long time, and what you are experiencing is very human. Just remember that there are people who are here for you if you need us, and there's nothing we would like more than to give you as much hope as you give us."

Lena's words are so enveloping; they are so entrancing, heartfelt, and honest that when Kara comes to her senses, she notices how elaborate her breathing is, how she can hear her own heart beating in her ear, and how lost she had gotten in Lena's clear, green eyes. Kara knows that those feelings mean something… Yes, she does, but… but she can't think about them. No! Kara thinks to herself, This is not the time to think about any of that. I'm just tired, and I'm being silly. Yes! That! Oh god, I've been silent for too long, I should say something. "Uh… Th-Thank you, Miss Luthor-- I mean, thank you, Lena. Y-You're very sweet…" Kara stutters out, starting to take steps backward to put a little distance between her and Lena.

Lena frowns a little at the hero's sudden change in demeanor, but she chucks it out to Supergirl feeling embarrassed about exposing such a vulnerable side of herself -- and that's something Lena can understand.

Taking a deep breath, Kara gathers herself, and tries again, "Really, thank you for hearing me out, and thank you for the good advice, Lena. I'm really lucky to have you as a friend."

Smiling brightly, Lena shakes her head. "It's nothing. But I'm glad I could help."

Kara finds Lena's smile infectious, and she smiles back at her. "It's pretty late. Would you like me to fly you home?"

"Oh, no, no," Lena laughs, shaking her head again as she waves her hands. "I appreciate the offer, and I feel honored, really, but flying is only for absolutely necessary situations." When Lena is met with an adorable questioning gaze from the hero, she explains, "I'm terrified of flying."

"No way!! I didn't know that!!" Kara exclaims in surprise. But after it wears off, she smiles softly at Lena, and says, "Well… then I guess I should let you call your driver. Thank you again for all your help."

"Anytime, Supergirl."

Kara takes flight, but before she leaves, she uses her x-ray vision to make sure Lena is safe at CatCo. Once she's satisfied with her sweep, Kara flies off to patrol the city.

The rest of the night is fairly uneventful; Kara fights off some minor crimes, and Sam sleeps through the night without having any nightmares.

The next morning, at seven sharp, Alex is downstairs helping Sam with breakfast.

"Alex?" Sam calls, making Alex stop setting the table. "Could you check on Ruby while I finish making the pancakes, please?"

Alex finds Sam's little sheepish expression adorable, and nods. "Of course." She finishes setting the table quickly and runs upstairs.

"Ruby?" Alex knocks on the teenager's door. "Are you ready for school? Pancakes are almost done."

Ruby swings the door open, and smiles at Alex. "Ready."

Alex wraps an arm around the girl's shoulders, and they start making their way back to the kitchen.

"I didn't hear mom crying last night," Ruby remarks.

"I didn't either," Alex smiles at her. "I guess she finally got a good night of sleep."

"I'm happy," Ruby replies and falls quiet for a beat.

Before they can reach the kitchen, Ruby stops Alex, and says lowly, "Where are you and my mom going today?" At Alex's surprised expression, Ruby explains, "She told me I should go to my friend's house after school, because you two might not be back until then."

Alex swallows hard and quickly glances toward the kitchen before turning back to Ruby. "What did your mom tell you we're doing?" she asks, wanting to make sure she won't tell the teenager anything Sam doesn't want her to know.

Ruby rolls her eyes impatiently. "She told me you're going to visit my grandma, but I don't understand why. Mom hates grandma. I've never even met her…"

"I… I don't really know what happened between your mom and your grandma," Alex says, putting her hands inside her front pockets. "But we just want to talk to her. Maybe she can help us figure out why your mom is having these nightmares."

It didn't make much sense in Ruby's mind, she can't figure out how something that might have happened years ago might be affecting her mom now, but before she can question Alex further, she hears her mom calling her.

"Don't worry," Alex says with a smile, "Your mom will be okay. C'mon, let's eat."

In forty minutes, Sam and Alex are dropping Ruby off at school. "Ready to go?" Sam asks Alex once Ruby is safely inside the school.

"I just need to stop at my apartment real quick. I need to grab my gun; I left it at home when I went to see you yesterday," Alex explains.

Chuckling, Sam says, "Well, I appreciate that." And she starts driving toward Alex's with her instructions.

In reality, Alex doesn't need to grab just her gun. She needs to grab the clip loaded with kryptonite bullets she has in her safe, but she doesn't want to tell Sam that; Alex doesn't want Sam thinking she sees her as a walking time-bomb, but Alex knows she needs a backup plan in case things go south.

It only takes Alex a couple of minutes to place the clip in a lead case, and put it in one of her back pockets. She fastens her holster, and secures her gun. Alex makes sure she has her badge, and leaves her apartment.

"Got everything?" Sam asks when Alex enters the cars.

Placing a hand on her gun, Alex smiles and says, "All here."

The trip goes by quickly, both women absorbed in their own thoughts; Sam is worried about what they might find out on top of the anxiety of seeing her mother again. Alex, on the other hand, isn't too worried about what they might learn, she's more concerned about how that will affect Sam.

Once they arrive, Alex can see how nervous Sam is by the way she keeps balling her hands into fists.

Sam knocks on the door, and a minute later an older woman, elegant and healthy, answers it. "Samantha," The woman says with a polite smile even though she is surprised to see her daughter there. "I didn't know you were coming."

"Patricia," Sam greets dryly, "this is agent Alex Danvers, we need to ask you some questions."

"Hello, ma'am," Alex smiles, and shows the woman her fake FBI badge.

Patricia frowns, but she steps aside to let them inside the house. They sit in the living room, Alex staying close to Sam for emotional support.

Their host goes into the kitchen to get something to drink, and she comes back carrying a tray with a jug of iced tea. She pours them a glass each, and asks, "How's… um…" Patricia trails off, not being able to remember her own granddaughter's name.

"Ruby?" Sam completes her mother's question, anger clear in her voice.

"I've never met the girl, so I don't think you should expect me to keep her name straight," Patricia replies defensively.

"Well, you kicked me out for having her, I didn't think you'd wanna meet her," Sam says, trying to hide her resentment.

But that finally lets Alex understand why Ruby has never met her grandmother, and why Sam doesn't talk to her mother. For all Eliza's flaws, Alex thinks that at least she wouldn't have kicked her out for getting pregnant… At least that's what Alex would like to believe.

"No, you made your choice. You had to know there would be consequences," Patricia says calmly, sitting on a chair in front of Sam and Alex.

"I was a kid," Sam counters.

"You know as well as anyone that the moment you become pregnant, you're not a kid anymore," Patricia doesn't even bat an eye saying those words, and Alex feels herself getting angry for Sam.

"So, I didn’t deserve a support system?" Sam asks with a bite to her words. "Married adults have children all the time, and they still need their parents."

"I would have just been a crutch for you," Patricia replies, getting up; getting disconcerted with this line of questioning.

"You were my mother," Sam says without missing a beat.

"And I always wanted what was best for you!"

"So you just let me leave?!" Sam gets up as well, feeling too angry to stay still.

Alex feels like she's intruding, like she shouldn't be there for that conversation; so she stays quiet, letting the two talk.

"That's not what I wanted to have happened at all," Patricia explains.

Alex watches as Sam exhales heavily, and asks, "Do you know how hard it was for me to come here?"

"Well, then why did you?"

"You're unbelievable," Sam scoffs, shaking her head, and Alex takes that as her cue to stand up, placing what she hopes is a soothing hand on the small of Sam's back.

Patricia looks uncomfortable with the small display of affection, and she eyes the two suspiciously, although she doesn't say anything.

Sam gives Alex a small, grateful smile, and sighs. "Some things have been happening," She says, turning her attention back to her mother.

"What things?" Patricia asks.

Sam shares a look with Alex, and at her friend's small nod, Sam continues, "I guess I was wondering if… growing up… I-I… if I ever did anything strange."

Alex doesn't feel the need to rush their conversation; she doesn't know if Patricia knows anything about Sam being an alien, maybe she thinks she truly adopted a human child, so Alex lets Sam take her time with her questions.

"What do you mean by strange?" Patricia asks confusedly.

"I don't know. Did I fall? Like, fall and not get hurt? Did I ever lift anything really heavy?"

"No, no. Nothing like that," Patricia replies, turning around and walking a bit further away from Sam.

"Nothing?" Sam insists.

"No," Patricia says, turning back around to look at her daughter.

Alex can tell Sam is growing frustrated, and she doesn't blame her.

"Okay, uh… Well, maybe you can help me find something out about my birth mother," Sam tries, changing her line of questioning.

"Why do you wanna know about her?" Patricia asks curiously.

"You know what?" Sam shares a look with Alex, and shakes her head. "Just forget it. Sorry I bothered you."

Alex is thinking of not-so-pleasant ways of getting every bit of information out of Patricia when she sees Sam taking a deep breath -- the kind of breath you take to fill yourself with courage -- and she hears Sam saying, "I was at a press event… Someone had a gun, they fired it at the crowd, a lot of people got hurt," Sam says, stepping up to her mother; it's a simple gesture, but it's one that speaks volumes, it lets Patricia know Sam is not leaving without answers.

"I got home, and I found a hole in my coat," Sam continues, placing her hand where the bullet had hit her. "I found a little piece of metal, a bullet; it was completely flattened. I got shot--" Sam's voice trembles and Patricia turns her gaze away. "and it didn't puncture my skin! I got shot, and I didn't feel it!" Sam's voice is getting louder, and Alex feels her own heart aching at the raw emotion in Sam's voice. "How could I not feel it? Patricia--" Sam says through gritted teeth, "Tell me what you know!"

Patricia looks from Sam to Alex, then back at her daughter. "Follow me."

Sam sighs with relief and waits until she feels Alex close to her so they can follow Patricia out of the house, to the backyard, and into a shed.

The moment Alex's eyes lay on the massive item hidden under a tarp, Alex knows what it is. "Your pod," she whispers lowly to Sam, but Sam is too entranced to hear her.

Alex watches as Sam slowly steps closer to it, and tentatively reaches up to pull the tarp off, revealing her pod.

"You asked about your birth-mom, I lied. I didn't adopt you, I found you… in this," Patricia says lowly, motioning toward the ship.

Sam feels like she's in a trance, a dream. Even though she already knew from the exam's result that she is Kryptonian, the reality of it is finally hitting her as she stares in awe at the metal contraption. "I-I… I just… don't understand," she murmurs, shaking her head.

"I didn't understand it either," Patricia says, "I didn't know where you were from, or who left you in this thing, or why. And you just… y-you looked so damn helpless…" Patricia sighs, remembering the night she found Sam. With a small smile, she completes her sentence, "that I took you home."

Shaking her head as if the motion would help her accept everything she was hearing, Sam asks, "W-Were you ever gonna tell me?"

"I swore that I would tell you when you turned eighteen, but you were gone by then," Patricia replies promptly. "And I thought, well, maybe… maybe that's better. That you'd be better off, out there on your own, not knowing."

"That I'm an alien?" Sam asks incredulously.

"Sam…" Patricia sighs. "I just wanted you to have a normal life," she says shakily.

When Alex sees Sam turning her attention back to the ship, watching as it comes to life with Sam's touch, Alex quietly and discreetly changes the clip of her gun for the one filled with kryptonite just in case the ship does something to Sam. But to her relief, the only thing that happens is a key making itself known to Sam.

"Ma'am," Alex says, getting Patricia's attention. "I'm going to report back to my superior officer, and he'll arrange for the Bureau to come confiscate the ship."

"You can't do that," Patricia tries to argue, "It's mine."

Alex raises her hand and shakes her head. "Technically, it's Sam's, and she has agreed to that."

When she hears her name, Sam snaps out of her haze. She grabs the key and goes back to standing by Alex's side. "You heard her, Patricia. They'll need to take it with them," Sam nods to Alex, and Alex walks out of the shed to call the DEO. Once they are alone, Sam folds her arms in front of her chest in a protective manner, and says, "I guess it's better to learn the truth late than ever…" And letting her eyes fall to the ground, Sam adds lowly, "Thanks for keeping it all these years."

She doesn't wait to hear her mother's reply; Sam feels like her head is spinning, and she all but runs toward her car. When Alex joins her, she says, "We need to figure out what this is." And before Alex has a chance of saying anything, Sam turns the car keys, and they are driving off.

"Sam?" Alex asks worriedly. "Where are we going?"

"I… I-I don't know…" Sam frowns at her own answer, but she can feel the key speaking to her; she knows she must drive now. "It's… It's telling me where to go."

Alex sends a quick message to Winn, telling him to track her phone, and she takes a deep breath to steady herself; whatever they come across next, Alex will be ready to deal with it.

#sam arias #samantha arias #ruby arias #alex danvers #supergirl #kara danvers #lena luthor #supergirl fanfic #sex reign #wpcts #supercorp fanfic

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wishingfornever · 6 years ago

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10/9/17 – No Contact: Dealership of Absence

Nothing is ever perfect. If it were, then what would be the point? There is a lot of charm in innocent mistakes. If no one gets hurt, then why be bothered?

That said, I’m feeling… ambitious. I’ve got so much I want to do. I want to build, expand, exceed. I… have not spent my time wisely. It’s currently 3 in the morning. I’ve spent a lot of time I could have used writing on researching. I know what I want to right, inspired by what I’ve been learning from my witch friend. With magic and what not. I didn’t want it to be a generic fantasy. No. This will be inspired on Song Dynasty China. Basically China before the Mongols invaded. There is a lot I can work with too. I have so many ambitions that I maybe I over pace myself. It’s alright. I’ll find the time soon. ;)

Still, there is a lot I can do and even more I can work with. Like… near endless possibilities. It’s like an all you can eat buffet but not shit. You’re not pressured to eat as much as possible because of the fuck off prices and the food isn’t going bad in front of you. Rather, it’s more a matter of “If you want to try something new, go for it. Maybe it’ll taste good too.”

Right now, I really should finish my first book before I get wrapped up in something else. Otherwise, I won’t ever get the chance to write anything new. It’s a simple concept. I write so I can write some more. How can I not get that? I have a lot of distractions. Mostly industrious distractions but still distractions.

I need to apply for a job this week. I need to go shopping today. What should I get? Probably not much. I’m excited, though. I should go to bed. Try to start my day early. End it with a shower. Maybe get some sets in. Have to let Adela know we need to go shopping. Or at least I do.

I’m hopeful. Anyways, I’m going to bed. I’m in a good mood. The worst part about being in a good mood?

I always want to message you. Ain’t that a bitch?

I dreamed about us again… Christ. This time we got an apartment and I applied for a job at a car dealership. I got it too but I kept thinking it was going to end up just like the cemetery. Maybe all my dreams had you in it. Maybe I’m just remembering them because I’m documenting them?

Whatever. -,-

I’m doing my sets and then Max and I are going for a jog. I didn’t go out and job hunt like I intended, but there is plenty of time. Adela was pretty busy today. So… we’ll go grocery shopping later. I wonder how healthy ketchup is… Probably not that much. But I need it for my eggs. :c

Saw a thing that said “What happens when you go vegan or vegetarian!” and I was thinking, “Oh, some negative effects, surely!” It began by saying how a lot of people have been going vegetarian and how it’s the most recent trend. Furthering the trend motive by saying how many people are jumping on board just because. Not so good. I don’t like going with the crowd. Thus, I expected some negative side effects. Nope! Each one was super positive. Like, it just cemented why I shouldn’t switch back and I’m like, “D’oh...” I had a dream about meat when I stopped eating it. I miss my meat. All over my mouth. Hashtag no homo. Regardless, this might be a lasting thing. I’m not sure how long it’ll last. Maybe not too long. Anyways, been watching gifs with sound. Going to watch more of it during my sets and I’m going to get ready for my jog. Currently 5pm. Later.

Just finished the jog. And, by proxy, my sets. I come back, watch some gifs with sound as I catch my breath. Just played a GIF that reminded me of you. Oof. x.x

Today has not been an easy day. A lot is reminding me of you. I want to message you. Just to see how you’re doing but you won’t answer. Even if you did, would it be honest? Not calling you a liar… I just know you’d rather me not worry. Even if you’ve stopped caring about me. I might message you sooner rather than later. The wait is unbearable.

I miss you. Maybe you miss me too. Or maybe you’ve moved on. I don’t know. I guess I should try to plan out what our next conversation will go like. Can’t account for what you say, but I can account for what I say. I’m accountable only for my words. Stating the obvious like it’s nothing.

I’ll probably shop alone. Not that Adela doesnt want to go but she’s had a long day. Doctor’s appointment plus… barre. Never written it out before. Weird. Regardless, I don’t like shopping alone. I wonder what you’d suggest I get. I don’t know. I wish I did. It’d be easier if you were just here. Oof, the level of missing you is hitting an all time high. >< Whatever. If I’m lucky, you’ll go shopping with me again. Adela has a blender. We could do those smoothies. I need to pick up more avocados. Definitely. Maybe a few salads. I don’t know. I feel pressured. Something so trivial. I feel like I’ll always make the wrong decision. That I’m pitted between getting what’s healthy and what has a shelf life. I want both but it feels like I can only choose one. Yesterday, I threw out a Mango and four kiwi. I don’t know if they went bad. I just feel like they did. Rotten food… it’s never sat well with me. Not sure why. Could be my upbringing. Always afraid of rotting food. Of course, my dad didn’t cook so much back then. He wasn’t always getting high. What you saw wasn’t really a reflection of my life. Just my recent life. Since I left for Texas the first time, it’s been like that. This is the out I’ve needed. Away from my family. Hard to say. My dad’s overly elaborate and dramatic behavior? That’s been something that I grew up with. Might have gotten worse, though. In Texas… The first time was so bad, I stopped eating. My food went rotten. I was just so depressed. That was when I was living alone. Cemetery, too. It wasn’t so good for me. I was afraid of rotten food before then but I just ate less. I reached a point where I knew I had to eat. So, I started going out. Went to go get fast food. With enough of it… well, I gained so much weight. I was ashamed, but I didn’t stop.

When I came back, I weighed 240. That’s… a lot. I never weighed that much. I’ve never weighed this much. Christ, I just want to stop eating now. ><

Thing is, I’m getting healthy food. I shouldn’t skimp out on healthy food. I have to overcome my anxiety with rotting food. My fear of food going rotten. I feel so petty but… what can I do? I can eat the food I have. There is no other way.

I hate throwing out food.

I’m going to steal Adela’s scale. When I left, I was 275. I think I MIGHT have gained weight from those days where I pigged out. I’m intentionally eating less because… rotting food. If you see me again and I weigh 200, I’ll look good but keep in mind that I weigh that much because I basically stopped eating. Crash. Diet.

In the event of a crash diet… what do I do? Should I start eating again? Like big amounts? I don’t know. I can imagine what you’d say. “Google it. Stop bothering me.” Ugh… I’m panicking. Brb

Can’t get the scale to work. Ah, well. I think it needs batteries. I’m sitting here, naked. About to take a shower. Adela will be back soon, so instead of taking a shower I decided to just update the journal. Lol, I’m so good with time management.

I’ve been on a great upswing lately. Like… you might have noticed but assumed it’s just me trying to get you back. It’s not. I know this because I’m feeling a bit moody now. I miss you a lot so… yeah. I think things can work. I’ll get over this. I’m hungry. I’m probably smelly and thus dirty. Sweaty at least from the jog and sets.

I’m taking my laptop into the bathroom. It’s nice to have music play when you shower. Been listening to a lot of music lately. Last night, I was listening to IRA music. The IRA, of course, stands for “Irish Republican Army” and they’re a terrorist group who wants Northern Ireland to be a part of Ireland again. They’re totally right, too. Ireland should be Ireland. Catholics get oppressed in Northern Ireland and that’s half their population. The other half is protestant.

I can tell you more about that later. For now? Time to bathe. But what to listen to…

Hey, just checked nationstates. You checked it 17 hours ago. Dennis did not. That divide, though.

You didn’t do anything though… did… you get on just to check on me? Quite a theory, I know. But… why did you get on? Your last activity was 10 days ago and that was just because your influence in your dumb fucking region went up.

Maybe you’re trying to keep your nation from dying… hrm…

Dennis did his issues four days ago. Unlike you. I’m worried. In other news, everything for my nation is going quite well. I want to message you and keep telling you to make decisions because it does make the mind healthy, but again. You don’t want to talk to me. That and you’ll think I’m stalking you, which I’m not.

Now that I think about it, maybe I should. Just see what you’re doing on Facebook. Nah, I need a shower. Talk to you later. ;)

So… they didn’t have enough avocados. Drat. I made myself an awesome sandwich. Onions… tomatoes… cheese… honey mustard… spinach… no meat. It’s great. I love it.

#breakup #slice of life #frustration #getting over it #moving on #journal #a year ago today

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this-sapphic-paradise · 7 years ago

Note

If you could transport yourself to the Supergirl show universe for a limited time, what would you say to each character (Alex, Lena, Kara, Maggie, J'onn, Winn, James, M'aggan, Sam, Ruby, Mon-el) as an omniscient spectator? (I don't know if I explain myself well) and please can lena-lipbite-luthor answers as well?

Ooooh, this is an interesting question, I love it!!!! And don’t worry, hon, I think I get what you’re saying x.x

Brittane’s ( @lena-lipbite-luthor) replies will be in blockquote ^^

Rafa

to Alex:

Have you and Kara worked out the issues the Red-Kryptonite brought to attention?? Because if you haven’t, you should; and if you did, could you tell me about it??? And about Maggie… you did the right thing… As much as it hurts to let someone go, it’ll hurt less than giving up on your dream of being a mom. Also, you’re a badass, and believe em when I tell you, there’s an aaaaaaarmy of women out there who would do anything to have a chance with you ;)

Britt

to Alex:

-quietlytakes a seat, clears throat, waves awkwardly- Hey. First of all, how’s itgoing? Oh, I’m fine, thanks. Sorry to hear about you and Maggie. I’m proud ofyou though. It’s hard ending things with someone and putting your needs firstwhen it comes to the person you love. You’ll be okay. You experienced a greatlove and grew so much in the process!

…Asfar as being a mom… I have a feeling that may happen a biiiiit sooner than youexpect. Hmm? Oh, nothing. Don’t ask questions. Shhhh. Anyway, keep beingawesome!!

Rafa

to Lena:

-quietly walks into whatever building she’s in, wraps Lena in a thousand blankets, gives her hot chocolate, and hands her a puppy while I put up Winston’s barrier around her (from Overwatch)- Please, take a breather. You need to rest a little. And sweetie…. you have a heart of gold….don’t ever doubt that.

Oh…and you should ask Kara out, because the heart-eyes you two give each other is pretty obvious ;)

Also:

Britt

To Lena:

Buddy,sweetheart, honey, baby… You’re amazing. I feel like you probably don’t hearthat enough so I’m just here to let you know.

Hmm… I don’t want to be that random omniscient friend but… yeah I’m gonnasay it, I know he took a bullet for you… but James? Nah. Don’t do it. Youdeserve better, my love.

Anywhooooyou’ve done a great job with L-Corp and I know you’re going to do fantasticthings with CatCo too. Keep doing what you’re doing and never doubt that youare definitely a force for good. Kbye! 💗

Rafa

to Kara:

-does the same thing I did to Lena- Kara, sweetheart…. You have to deal with your traumas… The DEO must have psychologists, right? Why don’t you make an appointment? You carry so much weight on your shoulders….you have to let out some of the things troubling your heart before we have another Red-K incident, yeah?

Also… I don’t want to tell you how to live your life, but… a healthy relationship is one where your partner shows with their actions that they respect your wishes; it’s when they are there for you, and they help you carry the weight of the world, instead of adding to that weight… If you look around you, there are other people who love you very much – and whom, in some ways at least, you love them back. Just try to keep your heart open, and you might be surprised.

Britt

Sweetie,-pats a spot on Lena’s couch- let’s have a chat. I know you have a lot on yourplate, and this is just a suggestion, but you have gotta stop bottling thingsup the way you do. You have people around you that love you and are willing todo anything for you, don’t be afraid to lean on them 🤗🤗

Once you start getting all ofthat out of your system, get your necklace back from whatshisnuts (justlet that go, please… for the love of Rao…), and figure out what you want out oflife. Hint: Being Supergirl isn’t enough, buddy. Alright?Listen to your sister and keep that in mind. Other than that, you’re doinggreat!!

Rafa

to Maggie:

I hope you find someone who loves you, because you are amazing!

Also:

Britt

to Maggie:

Soooyou’re just gonna disappear? Sanvers is done, so you just poof? Sounds fake,but okay.

(Dismissiveand lazy writers are dismissive and lazy).

Well regardless,you’re an adorable cupcake and I wish you all the happiness in the world!

Rafa

to J’onn:

-does the “there, there” tap on his shoulder- It’s a pity the writers don’t remember you’re one of the most power psychs out there, hm?

Yeah….

Oh, I know you don’t read their minds, so please let me tell you that Alex, Kara, and Winn love you to death and they’d do anything for you. You’re the father they all dreamed of, and your relationship with them is truly inspiring. Thank you, J’onn.

Also…. out of curiosity…. isn’t M’gann your niece in another timeline?? :x

Britt

To J’onn:

-scoots gift box inhis direction-

For you. You deserveit. Thanks for keeping the Super Family together and for being an awesome SpaceDad. 🤗🤗 Also, you and M’gann are precious and you two make me reallyhappy. That’s all.

Rafa

to Winn:

-hugs him for a few hours-

Buddy, how are you?? Where’s Lyra? How are you two? Has your father tried to contact you again? How much do you like working with Lena? Are you and James still patrolling the city?? Wanna play some Overwatch together???

Britt

to Winn:

Ha! You’re not gonnabelieve this. Once I had a dream that you and Lena were long losthalf-siblings. Pretty crazy, right?? 😅Anyway, how’s life? We haven’t seen too much of youthese days. Everything going alright? Are you eating well? Are youand Lyra doing okay? Anything exciting happening? Let’s catch up some time!

Rafa

to James:

-hands him a camera- Remember your passion?? Go follow it~

And what about Guardian? Are you still fighting the good fight??? Have you seen Lyra??? What is your role at CatCo now? Why did you keep Cat’s old office?? And do you still talk to Alex, Winn, and Kara??? What are your hobbies??? Who are you, man!?!??!?!

Also… why would you tell Lena she could call you Jimmy when even Lucy didn’t call you that? James, buddy, remember all the things you said about Lena behind her back? Yeah… so either you go to her, confess, and apologize, or you keep your heart-eyes to yourself (:

Britt

to James:

-sighs deeply- Whatare you even doing now? When was the last time you put on that Guardian suit?Are you interested in Lena or do you just want to keep dragging her wheneverthe opportunity arises? If it’s the former… you do not have my blessing. Pleasego away. When was the last time you focused on your photography? You love that!Guardian. Photography. Right. Now go do the thing!! Have fun! (Again, keep youreyes off of Lena and your snarky remarks to yourself. Thanks. Bye.)

Rafa

to M’gann:

Again:

Also, if you want me to, I’ll fight White Martians with you!!!!!

Britt

to M’gann:

Heeeyyy, buddy!!How’s life on Mars? Still beating up evil White Martians? Good! Keep it up.Though please come visit Earth when you have time. We miss you.

Rafa

to Sam:

-exorcises Reign from Sam’s body- You’re okay now, Sam. You have supergirl’s powers, and together with Supergirl and Lena, you can also be a force for good! But it’s totally okay if you want to focus on being Ruby’s mom, we know how important that is, and that is a very brave and noble choice.

Britt

to Sam:

I know we just met,but… you’re amazing, thank you for everything you’ve done. And you’re a greatmom, don’t doubt that for a second! I know you have a lot of questions aboutthe strange things going on in your life right now and things are starting toget really scary and beyond your control, but I just want you to know thatnobody blames you. We’ll stop Reign and get a petition going for that futureredemption arc.

Rafa

to Ruby:

STOP. PUTTING. YOURSELF. IN. DANGER. TO. TEST. YOUR. MOTHER!!!!!!!

Also, sweetie… things might change a lot very soon…. just remember the love you feel for your mom, remember how much she loves you; hold on to that, and never let go.

Britt

to Ruby:

Why are you likethis? I know you believe your mom is capable of amazing things, and she is, butputting yourself in danger is not the way to show her that you believe in her.Soon your mom is going need you more than ever. I’ll tell you the same thing Itold her, things will be different and scary but don’t forget she loves you andyou always have your tiny army of cool aunts behind you too!

Rafa

to Mon-El:

Britt

to Mon-El:

Didn’t we get rid ofyou already? I don’t recall asking you back.

Right well if you insist on sticking around, at the very least,I hope you’ve managed to grow up a bit in the last 7 years, was it? We’ll see.

#Anonymous #lenalipbiteluthor

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