#// this is coming from sb who enjoys shitty characters

[cheecats]

endlessly fascinates me watching crowf mfs take the moral high ground against brambleclaw without any apparent attempt to put the same lens of criticisms on c.rowfeather like.... kingdom brother... cmon now

[that-sarcastic-writer]

Mind games ('til we lose control)

Soldier Boy X Fem Supe!Reader

Summary: You knew Soldier Boy a long time ago, and when three strangers show up at your door saying he is alive, all of the feelings you thought you had buried come flooding back. Takes place during eps 5 and 6.

Warnings: 18+, minors dni, unprotected sex (wrap it before you tap it, you know better than these mfs), fingering, creampie, praising kink, dirty talk, Soldier Boy bc he's a warning on his own, cursing. Spoilers for ep5. Read at your own risk.

WC: 7.2k I'm sorry

A/N: Yay more soldier boy bc we love shitty characters in this household. Hes so fun to write I'm sorry. And the finale left me in my sb mood soo I finished this piece that had been sitting in my drafts since ep5 came out. Pls father forgive for I have sinned. And so will you after reading this. Enjoy you sinful fucks

Soldier Boy Masterlist

Comments are reblogs are highly appreciated!

It had been decades. Half of a lifetime for some. But for you, it didn't feel like it had been that long. Once you left Payback, after Nicaragua, your life just felt like the same day repeating itself. And you didn't exactly look a day older than you did in '84, so ever since he died, it was like you got stuck in a loop of nothing but your own thoughts and your own company. 

Until these three guys came knocking at your door. You didn't know who the fuck they were, but they sure as hell knew a lot about you. Down to your close relationship with America's favorite supe, Soldier Boy. To the public eye it was always him and Crimson Countess. But before her there was you and him. You had… Something. You didn't know what it was. He was your best friend, and you fucked, a lot. Whatever that was, you didn't know. Though that last part was always kept under wraps. But it didn't matter because you weren't Countess, you weren't PR material. You were just the girl with the psychic powers and the purple eyes. But even when he was with Countess, he would always go back to you. And you to him. As fucked up as it was. As painful as it was, you just couldn't stay away from each other, and Vought really fucking tried. 

As painful and toxic as your thing with Soldier Boy was, you liked it. You liked it like you liked the control you could have on others, the power it gave you. But even he was more addictive than that. So his death was more painful than any pain anyone could inflict on you, because that you couldn't control. And as fucked up as it was, you loved him. In your own fucked up way. 

Soldier Boy is alive, they told you. 

He was fucking alive. 

It took you a minute to understand how. They took the time to explain. You weren't surprised to learn the rest of Payback's members had to do with it. Soldier Boy wasn't exactly the most loved. He was a fucking asshole and he knew it, everyone knew it. But you don't think he ever expected his team, his own girlfriend, who you knew he eventually grew to feel something for, much to your dismay, would ever betray him like that. Fuck, did he think you betrayed him too? 

The three men, Butcher, Hughie and M.M, you learned, asked for your help. You had nothing to do with what happened, they knew that, and they were hoping Soldier Boy did too. You didn't have his superhuman strength, or bulletproof skin, but you were pretty fucking powerful. Your powers, while psychic, were pretty dangerous. And you could be pretty useful at times, despite what most people thought. And apparently Butcher thought so too, because he wanted you to team up with him, Hughie and possibly Soldier Boy to take down Homelander, who you had unfortunately met at one point and personally thought to be a worse, less humane and completely psychotic version of Soldier boy. And those weren't exactly a good combination. 

That wasn't what you cared about though. You cared about Soldier Boy, about Ben. You needed to see him for yourself, alive. You could figure out the rest later. 

You would be lying if you said you felt bad for the Payback members who were most likely going to die by Soldier Boy's hand, an idea you seconded as soon as Butcher mentioned using Countess as bait. Your time in Payback was goddamn agony. Every member was an absolute ass to you, with the exception of Soldier Boy, who was only half an ass to you, but you had known him prior to joining Payback. Hell he was the one who got you into Payback in the first place. You were a psychic, and the team deemed you useless, like a cheap and weaker copy of Mindstorm. Even though you were the only one who was actually disciplined and skilled in combat. And you could do a lot more than just hear people’s thoughts and trap them in their own mind until they died. But alas, supes will be supes. And they harassed and abused you to no end. Countess being the worst out of them all. She pushed you around, verbally and at times physically abused you, and often used your mind reading against you until you lost control. Ben would step in at times, as ironic as it was, considering he bullied the entire team as well. But he drew a line with you, and he would break someone's back if they bothered you. Something Countess didn't exactly like, especially towards the end, where your on and off relationship with him was fading and they got more serious. She was particularly spiteful of you for years, and you wished you could say you gave a fuck. So this turn of events was particularly enjoyable for you. 

"You fucking lying cunt." You spat at the red head, your fist collided with her jaw with a particular force fueled by both built up anger from years of abuse and also for taking the only man you ever loved from you. Her head snapped back into place to glare at you, not being able to move much from her chained position. "You told me Ben was dead. You fucking cried he was dead. And I believed you. I cried for him for years. And what were you doing? Honoring his fucking memory at an amusement park while he was being tortured and experiemeted on."

"Awe, were you sad because you couldn't be Soldier Boy's fuck toy anymore?" She tilted her head cynically and pouted mockingly. "Or was it because he never loved you?" 

Your jaw slightly twitched, and your hands twitched at your sides, faint violet sparks radiating from them as your eyes also began to glow a light shade of violet. You lifted your hand, sparks coming from your fingertips as you opened and slowly closed one of your palms. She stared at you with wide eyes when she realized what you were doing. She looked over your shoulder at Butcher and M.M for help. It never came.

"I should've fried your fucking brain when I had the chance in the 80s, he would probably still be with me if I had." You stepped in front of her, your flashing fingers colliding with her temples. She screamed in agony aa electrity and vibrations shot straight to her brain. You were watching her writhe in agony with almost glee when you heard your name being called, or more like yelled. 

"Oi!" Butcher yelled at you, you of course didn't move a muscle. He grabbed your shoulder and said your name again. "Oi, Violet Storm, that's enough. She's Soldier Boy's to deal with, remember?" 

Your nose twitched, for a moment losing focus to eye the hand on your shoulder. You exhaled sharply, and groaned, shrugging his hand off your shoulder as you opened your palm again, releasing Countess with a huff. She coughed violently and you were wishing she choked in her own spit. But then again you wouldn't get the satisfaction of seeing Soldier Boy kill her himself. 

"I'm really gonna enjoy seeing Ben kill you like the lying and traitorous bitch that you are." You smiled at her in the same mocking and cynical way she had mere minutes ago. 

You turned around to face Butcher, jaw tight and your eyes still glowing. He gave you a look, not of fear, but of like "holy shit", there was some amusement there too. You wondered if he enjoyed hurting supes as much as you enjoyed hurting each other. Probably. You said nothing to him as you walked past him and walked out of the trailer. 

Fuck, it had been a long time since you've used your powers, since you felt so much power course through your veins your eyes lit up and sparks left your fingertips. It was like they had died with Ben, but now that you knew he was alive your powers were too. Your fingers still sparkled and your hands were shaking. Did he still remember you? It had been decades. He was tortured and experimented on in ways you couldn't even begin to imagine, would he still be the same or did they break the little humanity he had left? Would he care to know you missed him and cried for him all those years? Jesus. You closed your eyes and sighed unevenly, shaking your head in disbelief with yourself. Why? Why did he still matter so much to you? It's not like he loved you like you did him. No, he loved Countess. You knew she was right, but that didn't make you need him any less. Most supes had their drug, coke, alcohol, sex, but he was yours. 

The two men joined you outside, Hughie having stayed outside that whole time. Butcher and M.M were looking at you, both with different attitudes of course. Butcher looked slightly amused, like he was glad he made the choice to find you. While M.M looked disturbed and like he disapproved of what you had just done. You didn't care about either of their opinions though. 

"What the fuck was that? You can't be pulling shit like that." M.M reprimanded you. You rolled your eyes and scoffed. These men had known you for a collective twelve hours, and they were already telling you what to do. 

"I didn't kill her did I? She's fine." You crossed your arms over your chest. "Besides, when Soldier Boy gets here, she's gonna wish I killed her first. She has it coming." 

"That's not what we're here for. And that sure as hell isn't what we agreed on when we came looking for you." M.M argued, seemingly tensing up at the mention of Soldier boy. Butcher stood close to him, almost as if to calm him down. 

"I'm not doing this for you. I'm here for Soldier Boy. I don't owe you guys shit." You said blankly, but your expression hardened and you dropped your arms at your sides when M.M took a step towards you, his jaw tight and body tense. There it was again, like the mention of Soldier Boy riled him up. "If there is a problem with that, you can say it to my face." 

"You're awfully loyal to a guy who wouldn't so much as bat an eye if you got killed in front of him. If he would kill his own girlfriend, what makes you think he'd be loyal to you?" 

You clenched your jaw and your fingertips twitched with faint violet sparks, "The fuck do you know about Soldier Boy?" 

"I know that he's a piece of shit murderer with no regard for the people he has hurt. I know that he's just like the rest of you supes. And you aren't any better. You are just as bad as Soldier Boy." 

You took a step forward, your hands releasing violet sparks and your eyes were starting to glow as well. Butcher stepped right in front of you, creating a barrier between you and M.M. 

"That's enough. We're all working together here, remember?" 

"This one full on kills Gunpowder but I'm the big bad supe for shocking Countess. You don't know shit about me, or Soldier Boy I can tell you that fucking much." You glared at both of them, your face twisted into a tight expression as you turned to walk away. You heard Butcher call your name, but you ignored him and kept walking until you were away from their sight.

You were loyal to a fault. You often wondered if that was your biggest strength or your biggest weakness. And you were loyal to Soldier Boy, you loved him, though you would never admit that out loud. And you'd be damned if you weren't going to stand up for him. You hadn't realized how far you had wandered off from the property when minutes later you saw a blast and Countess' trailer blow up, leaving nothing but a ball of fire, rubble and ashes behind. Holy fuck, did he do that? 

You ran back to the others, and just as you were running in the darkness of the night, you ran right into a hard armored chest. Your heart raced as your eyes traveled all the way up until you were met with the pair of cold green eyes you had so foolishly fallen in love with. Fuck he was alive, he was here. You took a step back, your lips slightly parted as you tried to speak. You gave him a quick sweep with your eyes, full armor, still fit him perfectly, but no helmet, he had a beard and his hair was slightly longer than you remembered. But it was still him, the same freckled face, the same forest green eyes, the same lips. He hadn't aged a day.

"Ben," You said his name with a small sigh, tears pricking your eyes. You wanted to hug him, kiss him, touch him, anything. But you didn't. Your hands twitched at your sides, but you were frozen in place. You didn't know that he knew you weren't part of what happened. He was going to kill you too for all you knew. "Ben I— I didn't know—" 

"I know." 

"What?" 

He took a step forward, closing the gap you had just made and he ran his fingers over the side of your face as he leaned down. "I know you had nothing to do with this, it's okay sweetheart." 

"I got knocked out cold, and when I came to they told me the Russians killed you. I-I thought you were dead. I cried for you… For decades." You squeezed your eyes shut for a second, trying to stop the tears from falling. When you opened them again, you saw him slightly tilt his head and his eyes were big with pleasant surprise, and maybe endearment? 

"You cried for me?" He asked with a small smirk, like that was even a question. You scoffed softly and shook your head.

"You don't believe me?" You half smiled, you grabbed both of his hands, his shield being left on the ground and you placed them on your face. He looked at you confused for a second but realized what you were doing when you gravitated your sparkling hands over his temples. 

"Woah, sweetheart you don't have to—" 

"Ben, I don't think I could ever say what I felt with words. Just let me show you." You closed your eyes, and after a second of apprehension, he did the same. 

Your fingers ghosted over his temples as you accessed his mind, and you allowed him to access yours. With your powers, whenever you intruded someone else's mind, it could be like a two way street. You could get a glimpse of their mind, their thoughts and memories. But they could also get a glimpse of yours, but only if you allowed it of course. You had created this shield in your mind, so that no one could ever slip into your mind. You had only ever taken that shield down with Ben. You would let him in your mind, you would let him hear your thoughts. He couldn't see images, but he could hear your thoughts, feel your emotions like they were his own. It had been a long time since you had deliberately read someone’s mind. You were high on painkillers and medication half of the time so you didn’t have to listen to people's shitty thoughts. And fuck, it was overwhelming. He felt nothing but agony and despair, a storm inside your mind. He could only imagine that was a fraction of what you felt when he supposedly died. 

An uneven breath left your lips as you let him explore the darkest and most secluded parts of your mind. You let him feel your pain, and you could feel his. You could feel all the pain he endured during his captivity, all the times he begged for someone to come save him. You felt a tear slip from your eye. And just when you were about to speak, you heard someone speak. 

"Oi! The fuck are you two doing? We've got to go. You can kiss and make up later." Butcher, ever the untimely man, called out to you, making you break the connection. 

You gasped softly when you came back to, your eyes glowing violet for a second before they returned to their natural color. You dropped your hands at your sides and looked at Ben. You found his eyes, and they were a mixture of sad and content. And you could return the sentiment. 

Butcher and Hughie walked past you. No M.M. huh.. You didn't bother to ask and you simply followed them. Ben grabbed his shield from the ground and silently walked beside you, though you could feel his burning gaze on you. 

"I missed that." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Man I fucking missed bennies." 

You laughed at that, watching out of the corner of your eye as he crushed up the pills Butcher brought him and snorted them. That sure brought memories. 

"You know there's stronger shit out there right? Benzos barely have any kick." You said in your head, but he heard it too. He snapped his head up and looked in your direction. He looked at Hughie for a second, trying to figure out whether or not they heard it too. And then he realized you were talking in his head, using your powers. 

"Can you not talk in my head? It freaks me the fuck out." He said to you with annoyance. 

You tried to laugh and simply shrugged innocently, pretending you had no idea what he was talking about. "Sorry." Your voice echoed in his head again and he glared at you. 

"I'm sorry who's talking in your head?" Hughie asked with alarm. He probably thought Ben was having a PTSD episode and was hearing voices or something. 

"Mystic powers over here." Ben pointed at you. You smiled innocently and looked at him like you had no idea what he was talking about. "She likes to talk in people's heads to fuck with them. Be thankful she hasn't done it to you." 

"I do not. I just like to fuck with you." You said nonchalantly, casually levitating one of your knives in the air with a slight move of your fingers. 

"You can do that? Talk in people's heads like that?" Hughie asked with hesitation, his eyes a bit wide when he saw you so casually move your knife around in the air. 

"There's a lot of things I can do, kid." 

"Oh you got that right. The things this girl can do. You have no fucking idea." Ben said with a laugh, and this smug glint in his eyes when he looked at you. "The things she can do with her hands. Fuck, she can give you one hell of a time without even touching you I can tell you that." 

Your eyes widened at his unfiltered words and your jaw tightened as your face turned hot. He kept his eyes on you, and there was this shit eating smirk on his face, like he was enjoying your embarrassment. You loved him, but fuck sometimes he made you want to stab him. 

Hughie looked at you with wide eyes, his mouth slightly agape and he looked both confused and disturbed, "You guys?" You could hear the double meaning in his tone. 

"Oh she didn't mention it? That breaks my fucking heart Violet." Ben clicked his tongue in disapproval and shook his head at you. You stopped the motion in your hand at the nickname. Nobody ever called you Violet, it was Violet Storm or your name, only he called you that. 

"I swear to god I'm going to shove my knife into your ear if you don't shut the fuck up." You hissed in his head and glared at him from the spot you had claimed on one of the beds. He simply laughed and took a swing straight from the bottle of whiskey Butcher brought him. 

"I always wondered why you never told anybody 'bout us. I mean, who wouldn't want the world to know they were fucking Soldier Boy?" He kept going, pushing at your buttons like only he could. He was doing this on purpose, antagonizing you, like he was trying to punish you for something. "But then again, you did always want a normal life, marry some ass-kissing corporate asshole, pop out a few girls with pretty purple eyes. It was quite the fantasy you had, what ever happened there?" 

You clenched your jaw, one of your eyes slightly twitching, "Well maybe not all of us could move on and settle for the first stuck up piece of ass Vought sat in front of us. I actually wanted someone that loved me, unlike someone who just settled for the next decent fuck." You said impassively. You tried not to show your emotions, your face remained blank. His, however, was like an open book. The way his nose and jaw twitched and the humourless grin on his face screamed that your words were getting to him, too. If he was going to bite you could bite too.

"Let me guess, nobody lived up to the expectation? It's kinda hard to find someone who can do what I can. Did I ruin all men for you sweetheart? Is that why the minute you heard I was back you came running? Couldn't bear to live without me?" You didn't know if it was the arrogance in his voice, the humiliation you felt or if you just wanted to find an excuse to get back at him for the heartbreak he caused you when he chose Countess over you, whatever it was, you snapped. 

Without thinking twice, you flicked your hand and the knife that you had just been levitating in the air flew straight to the small table Ben was sitting at. The tip of the blade sunk flawlessly in the middle of the burger he was about to grab. His face was fucking priceless. He looked down in front of him for a second or two before his head snapped in your direction, his eyes big and jaw tight. That pissed him off, and not because you could hurt him with your knife, but because that was your intention, deep down. 

"Oh Jesus." You heard Hughie mumble, probably scared to be in the middle of a supe dispute with no powers now that the Temp V had worn off. But what caught your attention was Ben's reaction. 

"The hell is wrong with you? The fuck did you do that for?" 

"Oh, I'm sorry, I was aiming that at your fucking dick." You hissed at him, flicking your fingers, bringing your knife back into your hand. You watched him laugh bitterly as he stood up and you dead eyed him as he stood in front of you with a tight expression on his face. 

“Since when are you such a bitch? Did the lack of dick and cocktail of pills fry your fucking head?” He said harshly, huffing at you. You bit your lip, feeling your face grow hot and your fingertips tingle with electricity. 

You stood up in front of him, back straight and head high, even if he was an entire head taller than you, you weren’t scared of him. 

“Since you chose a red head stuck up cunt to have kids with. You really were never too bright were you Ben?” You tilted your head and you could see the way his jaw twitched, but he said nothing. “I saw her thoughts, I could see what was in her mind, and trust me, she fucking hated you. They all did. I didn’t. Not that it mattered to you, you only loved her.”

“Then why the fuck did you let them do that to me? Why didn’t you fucking stop them? Why weren’t you there?” He questioned you, his voice getting louder and louder with each sentence until he was pretty much screaming in your face. 

“I didn’t know!” You screamed back, no longer being able to control your bottled-up emotions, and you snapped. He wasn’t expecting you to answer back, and definitely not scream back at him. He pursed his lips together and glared down at you but said nothing back. So you continued. “I fucking loved you Ben, and trust me I would’ve done anything to protect you but I didn’t know. I stopped hearing their thoughts a few weeks before it happened. I don’t know why, Mindstorm probably did something to protect their minds from me because they knew I would’ve warned you. I would’ve never let that happen if I had known. And trust me had I known you were alive I would’ve looked for you, but I didn’t know. I thought you were fucking dead for fuck’s sake. So don’t punish me for something I had no control over, I punished myself enough for the last thirty years.”

You didn’t realize you were crying until you felt your face get coated with hot tears. Your breathing was uneven and your hands were shaking. You had never told him that you loved him, not ever, you had never even said it out loud. You found his eyes, and they were softer, glossy even, and his expression softened the second those words left your mouth. It was like reality had smacked him across the face, a little too late. 

“Sweetheart I—” 

You shook your head, “Fuck you Ben. Just fuck you.” Your voice was quiet this time, soft and broken. You missed the look of genuine regret he gave you. But you weren’t looking at him anymore, you stared at the floor as you walked past him, shoving him out of your way and you headed straight to the bathroom.

Ben slightly flinched when he heard the door slam shut. He thought you ripped it off its hinges with how hard it closed. He closed his eyes and bit his lip, mentally kicking himself for being so fucking stupid. You loved him, how did he never see that? 

He was about to follow you to the bathroom when he heard Hughie speak, for the first time in the last five minutes, “Maybe you should let her cool off.” He said quietly and with caution, but he shrunk further into himself on the couch when Ben glared at him. 

“And maybe you should mind your own fucking business before I shove my shield up your ass.” He said to the brunette and smiled sarcastically at him. 

“Nope, I want nothing to do with this.” Hughie said as he stood up and went straight to the door, probably just to sit outside until Butcher came back, but he didn’t definitely didn’t want to be in there when whatever went down between you and Soldier Boy. Probably a good idea. 

Ben paid no mind to it, he instead turned his attention to you. He stood outside the bathroom door and knocked a few times. 

You wiped your face with your hands, keeping your face in them for a few seconds, silently screaming in frustration when you heard a few knocks on the door. You looked up and looked in the direction of the door and you had a feeling it was Ben. No, you knew it was him. 

“Fuck off Ben.” You called out, but instead you saw the door handle jiggle, but of course it was locked. Not that that would actually stop him. 

“Y/N seriously let me in.” He said through the other side, you heard him sigh heavily. You exhaled heavily and told him to go away again, but of course he wasn't going to give up that easy. “You either open this goddamn door or I’ll break it. And then we’ll have no bathroom door. Your choice.” 

You groaned out, running your hands over your face with frustration. He was fucking insufferable, and stubborn as fuck. But you knew he would just kick the door open so it wouldn’t make a difference. You sighed heavily and tried to compose yourself before you unlocked the door and opened it. You glared up at him the second he was in your view. 

“I don’t want to fucking talk to you.” You huffed at him, face fixed into a frown. Fuck he forgot how stubborn you could be too. 

“Don’t be fucking childish.” He rolled his eyes at you and invited himself into the bathroom, making you back up in the constricted space until your back was hitting the vanity sink. 

“Yeah because you’re so mature.” You muttered and rolled your eyes, crossing your arms over your chest and you kept your eyes glued to the shitty floors, but you refused to meet his eye, though you could feel his gaze burn on your face. 

He sighed heavily and took a step closer to you, he wasn’t all up in your face like before, but just enough to be in your way and in your view. And he spoke again, his voice smooth with cockiness, “Do you remember when we first met?” 

“How could I forget?” You chuckled dryly at the memory, it was still fresh in your mind, you thought about it every day. 

“So you remember how you flung me ten feet across the room for trying to kiss you?” He asked with a small smirk. You weren’t looking at him, but you knew he was smirking, you could hear it in his voice. You pursed your lips together trying to stop yourself from smiling, and you simply nodded. “The minute you threw my ass across the room and I saw those pretty eyes light up violet, you fucking had me. I couldn’t stay away from you. You know why?”

“Hm?” You mumbled, still forcing yourself not to look at him. 

He grabbed your face, forcing you to meet his eyes and fuck he had you melting the second his green eyes found yours. He leaned down, his lips ghosting over yours and he spoke, “Because you drove me crazy like nobody ever could, I wanted you from the minute I saw you. You said I didn’t love you, but you’re wrong, I did, I just didn’t think I could have you, not like that.” 

“Thinking was never really your strong suit, was it pretty boy?” You laughed softly at him, not fighting his hold, not fighting his gaze, you just melted into it, you were tired of fighting. 

“Fuck you.” He shot back with a chuckle and a small grin. 

You were about to respond when he crashed his lips against yours without a warning. You gasped against his mouth and inhaled sharply through your nose, but you’d be lying if you said you hadn’t been dying to feel his lips on yours again. You kissed, him, and you fucking kissed him hard. You gripped his jersey so hard you thought you were going to rip it and you held him against you. He slipped an arm around your back and pulled you flush against his chest as his mouth covered yours. He bit your lip and your mouth fell open. He slipped his tongue in your mouth, exploring it like it was the first time, it sure as hell felt like it after so long. He held you tight and took as much as he could until you were gasping for air. Only then he pulled back, and he was tugging at your clothes like he wanted to rip them right off, he was tempted, too. 

“Fuck, I haven’t had some pussy in forty fucking years, I feel like a hormonal teenager. I really fucking want you, like right fucking now.” He rasped between breaths as he left open mouthed kisses on your neck. You hands were tugging his baseball Jersey off his shoulders when you heard him, and you couldn't help but snort. 

“Jesus. Everything that comes out of your mouth is so gross. Your head is even worse, it’s like fucking Herogasm up in there.” You teased, hissing softly with pleasure when you felt him dig his teeth into the pressure point on your neck, well at least he remembered your weak spots. 

He grabbed your jaw and pressed a hard kiss to your lips before he spoke, “Trust me sweetheart there’s a fuck load of shit up there. I can show you, some other time. I want to be inside this pretty pussy first.” 

“Fine by me.” You bit your lip, your thighs rubbing against each other with anticipation. 

You didn’t waste time, you knew Butcher would be back soon and off you would go. Ben stepped back as you pulled your shirt over your head, and he did the same with his, your clothes making a pile of clothes on the floor. You were all over each other in seconds. 

His mouth was on yours and his hands gripped your ass. You gasped softly when one of his palms collided with your clothed ass and he smirked against your lips. His tongue was back in your mouth and it was fucking messy and desperate, but you didn’t care, hell you loved it. In the process, he hoisted you up on the vanity and he stood between your legs. One of his hands tugged your jeans down your legs, your panties along with it. You kicked them off and you were pretty much naked, exactly how he wanted you. He pulled back, leaving you to chase his lips for a second. He smirked, bringing two fingers to his lips and he spat on them before he was pressing them against your clit. You gasped softly and your eyes instantly closed at the shock of pleasure. He spread the wetness of his fingers over the bud for a second before he was sliding two long digits into you. And you had to bite your lip to stop yourself from screaming. 

“You’re so wet for me already aren’t you, pretty girl? I could fuck you right now, wouldn’t even have to finger you open.” He chuckled lowly as he watched the way his fingers slid in and out of you with ease. And you really wanted to fucking scream then. 

“Ben I know you like to tease and make me beg for it, but we don’t have a lot of time and I swear to god if you don’t fuck me I’m going to shove a knife into your ear while you sleep.” You threatened, one of your hands coming to grip at his longer strands of hair. And he laughed at you, you sounded more desperate than anything. 

“I forgot how desperate you could get when cock drunk. But I like it when you think you can tell me what to do, it’s cute.” He chuckled, mocking you even. But his fingers left you as soon as he said those words. As cocky as he was, you knew he was as desperate for intimacy as you were, the hardened silhouette of his cock said as much. 

He pressed a sloppy kiss to your mouth as he tugged his sweatpants and boxers down his hips and his cock sprung free. He pulled you to the edge of the sink by your hips as he slid into you. He swallowed your moans as he let out a groan of his own the second he felt your walls squeeze his cock. 

“Fuck,” He groaned against your mouth, sitting still for a second, the bare feeling of your walls being nearly enough to make him lose it. But fuck that, he didn’t spend forty years in a lab alone just for him to end this before it began. “I forgot how fucking good your pretty pussy felt around my cock. There was never anything like it.” 

You were barely listening to his words, it had been a long fucking time since you had been intimate with anyone, let alone since you had been with him, and you were already fucking gone. 

He grabbed your ankle and hooked your leg high on his torso as he drew back before he slammed back in with enough force to make you slide back on the sink. And again. And again. He held you by your hips as he quickly found a pace. It was fast and hard, but you knew him, you knew what he could do, and you knew he was holding back. And you didn’t want him too, whatever he had trapped inside there, you wanted him to let it out. 

“Ben,” You could barely trust your voice, but he heard you and he lifted his head, his green eyes small compared to the black of his pupils. You tangled your fingers around his hair and pulled, hard. “I’m not going to break, you know that.” 

He looked at you, his longer strands falling over his eyes as he panted, and he looked like something snapped in his head. In any other situation, you would’ve been able to see that he was holding back, why he was holding back, but your mind could only take so much. He knew he wanted to keep himself together, not lose control, but fuck, if you wanted all of it, he would give you all of it. 

He grabbed the same leg that was on his waist and threw it over his shoulder and snapped his hips, fucking hard. You actually screamed this time, your eyes rolling into the back of your head, the new angle allowing him to bury himself deep enough to brush against your most sensitive spot with each snap of his hips. He wrapped a hand around your hair and pulled your head back, his lips ravishing your neck as he braced himself on the mirror behind your head. There was nothing slow or romantic about the way he fucked you, it was rough and animalistic, like he was angry and also desperate for intimacy all the same time. 

“F-fuck Ben, don’t stop.” You muttered out, your jaw falling open as you felt a burn deep in your stomach and you could feel electricity run through your entire body. 

The hand that wasn’t gripping his hair for dear life gripped the vanity beneath you in an attempt to stop yourself from sliding back and forth with each thrust he gave you. You felt electricity run through your fingers and you felt something crank under your hand along with the warm feeling of sparks on your fingers. 

Well shit. 

“Shit,” Ben chuckled when he saw the way the vanity cracked under your hand and some pieces fell on the floor. “You wanna come sweetheart? You wanna come all over my cock until you’re a shaking, whimpering mess?” He coaxed into your ear, his hips grinding into you as he released your hair and pressed his thumb against your clit. He could feel your wall squeeze him and your legs shake, he knew you were close to tipping over the edge. 

“My pretty Violet,” He pressed a wet kiss to your jaw as he rubbed harsh circles on your clit, and he soaked in the way your lips parted to let out broken moans. “Look at me. Let me see those pretty eyes.” He demanded you, giving you a particularly sharp thrust that made your eyes shoot open, giving him exactly what he wanted. 

“Yeah that’s it, I missed making those pretty eyes lit up.” 

Your eyes were shining bright violet as your orgasm washed over you, leaving you breathless and you shook, your walls clenching around him as a wave of wetness seeped through you. You whimpered his name quietly over and over again as he fucked you through it, soaking in the way your walls squeezed him and it triggered his own release, he didn't have to control himself anymore. 

“Fuck, that’s it, just like that.” He pressed his face into your neck and squeezed his eyes shut, a low moan of his own leaving his lips as he spilled himself inside you with a sharp and deep thrust. You felt the mirror behind you shatter just as he came, his hand putting enough pressure to make pieces fall out the frame. And you knew he felt it too. “Fuck me.”

He stilled inside you and stayed there for a while. You held on to him and you honestly had no idea how long you even stayed there. You just knew that you both were breathing normally by the time he pulled out of you, your mixed releases seeping out of you. Ben still had his face on your neck, but you heard him mumble something. 

“I'm glad you didn’t forget me. I know I never forgot you.”

~~~~~~~~~~~

It felt different, the air, like you no longer could cut it with your knife. Maybe you just needed to fuck it out of your system. It tend to be like that with Ben, a good fuck would solve all of your problems. At least now you were being honest with each other. 

He was sitting on one of the beds now, and you were sitting on the other. Hughie had returned by then, not wanting anything to do with what had just happened so he didn’t inquire much, good. They were talking and you listened quietly, absentmindedly levitating one of your knives, though you knew you would have to talk to Ben about what he said. There were a lot of things you still had to talk about. But you would have time for that. So when Butcher came back with an address for the TNT Twins, you knew you were on your way to fuck some people up. 

You were suiting up when Bucther went to the bathroom and immediately came back with a distraught look on his face. “Oi, the fuck happened in here?”

You and Ben looked at each other, he had a small smirk on his face and his typical smug glint in his eyes. You were a bit more reserved and you felt heat rush through your cheeks as you looked down. Butcher looked at Hughie, and when the younger boy looked at you and Ben, Butcher groaned. 

“Fucking hell you two. I leave you children alone for an hour and you’re already fucking like rabbits.”

“Hey at least you didn’t have to hear it. It was fucking bizzarre.” Hughie muttered from his corner, looking extremely mortified. Ben looked at him with narrowed eyes. 

“I can still shove my shield up your ass. I guarantee you it feels real fucking nice, wanna try it?” He said to Hughie, slightly lifting the heavy shield in his direction and he flashed the younger brunette a perverted smile. 

Poor kid, he had to deal with the three of you. 

“Ben leave him alone, poor kid is already traumatized enough as if by your presence.” You said to Ben, slightly nudging his shoulder with your own as you leaned into him, your chin pressed up against his shoulder. He looked down at you and half smiled, his eyes bright and big. It had been a long time since someone looked at you like that.

You fucking loved Soldier Boy, and he loved you. In his own fucked up way. But you were okay with that, because you were fucked up too. 

[homestarruiner]

i dont post here like, ever, but i wanted to post about s/t on my mind

like im feeling sentimental but homestar runner was my first favorite fandom + one of my earliest special interests! i read so much fanfic (and wrote some of my own -- it was godawful but from the heart).

i also remember the vague feeling of disgust i felt towards myself as i started enjoying the slash content. like i very clearly hadnt figured out my gender or sexuality stuff yet, and was raised evangelical, so of course i was gna be weird about it. idk man, id read the strongstar stuff (called sb/hr back then, lol) and it made me so happy but i also felt weird and shitty and guilty.

anyway, 15+ years later, i get to see all of this amazing LGBT art in the tags. i see strong bad with top surgery scars so frequently! thats fucking sick! and its just a given that every character is gay or trans or whatever -- not bc its canon bc who cares, but bc thats just what fandom spaces are like

ig what im saying is that as a gay trans autistic person, its easy to feel weird and shitty and guilty most of the time. homestar runner helped me come to terms w being autistic -- something about the sense of humor and the general weirdness, i couldnt tell you exactly. so its just really neat to see the current younger fans, who are so zealously transing all the characters or posting gay art. like its just really fucking cool and it makes me very happy.

[tomorrowsdrama]

Hyena Ep. 16

I’m baaack!  Kind of.  I think I hit that point in my quarantine life where I kind of lost my mind so I went on an unexpected hiatus that lasted longer than intended.  I know it’s been over a month after the finale of Hyena but here are my ramblings.  This post is super long so I’ll save my thoughts on the series as a whole for another post.

Objectively, it was a pretty good finale that was entertaining and wrapped up the important plot lines.  We even got some sweet otp moments (more on that later) and satisfying smackdown of the bad guy.  But subjectively?  Personally?  Purely based on my selfish expectations?  I wanted more romance!  More sexiness!  I wasn’t expecting a wedding or anything like that but, not even one kiss?  Or a long embrace?  Why????

I mean, how can you give me all this sexy chemistry in the promos:

And then not make use of it in the finale?  That’s just not fair I say!  I feel bamboozled!

Ep. 16

Anyway, let’s talk about the parts I enjoyed of the finale.  This is mainly (99%) going to be about the moments between Geum Ja and Hee Jae.  So on the morning of episode 16, way back when, I woke up so excited for the finale.  Since this was the last episode, surely there will be a kiss!  And surely it would be epic given the chemistry between JJH and KHS.  I mean did you see that kiss in episode 8?  So when we started off the episode with the scene of Hee Jae telling Geum Ja he didn’t want to see her hurt anymore, I was amped.  Yes, we’re starting off strong with the romantic scenes I thought.

How can you not fall for him?

Geum Ja, you are not a gangster, you do not need to show your story through the scars on your body.  Joking aside, it’s sad that she’s been through so much in life that she has the scars to prove it. 

I love that Hee Jae says this half-sarcastically but you can tell that he truly does not want Geum Ja to go through any more pain/suffering.  And it’s his sincerity that makes Geum Ja smile so softly.  And this is where they kiss right?

Nope, he gets a hearty bro punch in the shoulder.

Cut for lots of caps and ramblings.  It’s a bit of a mini novel, you’ve been warned!

Mmm I loved how many scenes of concerned Hee Jae we got in this episode.  

Geum Ja screams from a nightmare and Hee Jae immediately runs into the office to check on her.  The only way he could have reacted so quickly is if he was sitting outside the office guarding Geum Ja which...AHHH I think I’ve just died and gone to hurt/comfort heaven.  Just look at JJH’s face.

EEE!  I audibly squealed when Geum Ja said this.  Ok, now I’ve truly died.  Geum Ja?  Asking to be comforted?  By Hee Jae?  What?  This is major.  She’s finally letting down her walls a little bit around Hee Jae and allowing herself to be vulnerable.  Keep on leaning I say!  Lean all the way into bed.

Omg and then she showed concern over Hee Jae’s own emotional state despite her own trauma.  His dad totally betrayed him just a few hours ago so Hee Jae’s having a pretty shitty day too.  But of course, Hee Jae is only concerned about Geum Ja.  Ahh, how many times is he going to make me swoon in this episode?  

Feet piled on top of each other?!  Are they finally in bed together?

Of course not.  Unfortunately, this isn’t that type of drama.  SIGH.  But this is still very sweet and squeal-inducing.

Have I talked about how much I love JJH’s little sly smirks?

I love that these two fools can’t stop worrying about the other.  Geum Ja knows better than anyone how deep emotional scars caused by a parent can be.  On top of that, Hee Jae’s father was someone he respected and loved, so the blow is even bigger.  I just really like it when my otp show how much they care about each other, ok?

Look at that smile on Hee Jae’s face.  It’s like there’s no other place he would rather be than next to Geum Ja. 

No, please don’t.  Y’all are not 12.  Please get at least a queen size bed with plenty of room for two adults to move around in and do...adult things lol.

And then.  AND THEN!  Geum Ja takes the initiative and turns over towards Hee Jae.  She’s finally the one taking the first step towards him without any prodding.  And Hee Jae smiles to himself and follows her lead to turn over also.  And then the two fools smile lovingly at each other as they fall asleep.  Omg, excuse me, I need a moment.  I’ve temporarily passed on to the other side from sheer otp happiness.

This moment was just too good.  I literally raised both my arms up into the air and cheered when I first watched this episode.  I thought, wow the writers are feeding us so well.  They’re showering us with so many romantic scenes.  The otp caring for each other?  Being tender with each other?  Sharing a “bed?”  I don’t want to ever get off this love train, keep it coming!  This is only the first third of the episode so surely it can only go up from here.

And then it ended on a comedic note.  I guess I should have seen that coming.  This is SBS, not TVN (or JTBC from the looks of The World of the Married).  Hah, well I suppose they both had a pretty tiring day so it’s understandable that they would not have much energy to do anything else.

It’s the little everyday things like asking if she’s ok that get me.

(JJH I thirst for you.)

Suuuuure you are.

Lol, he wouldn’t be Hee Jae if he didn’t pull something childish/petty.  At least Geum Ja is amused by it and finds it cute now.  Get you a man who can be both your emotional support and amusing bratty boyfriend.

Geum Ja does end up meeting Hee Jae for dinner and he can’t help but smile a little.  Gosh, it takes so little from Geum Ja to make him happy.

(damn, look at that profile!)

So some time during this episode, Geum Ja’s adoptive father died off-screen from the stab wound he sustained while stopping her assailant.  At first, I went “Huh, that’s it?”  But then the more I thought about it, the more I liked how matter-of-factly it was treated.  It’s certainly consistent with how Geum Ja deals with things.  Also, she faced her demons/him in a previous episode so you could say that she already resolved that chapter of her life.  

Still, you could tell that she’s not completely unaffected by it.  KHS’s acting in this scene is so good. You can tell there’s more to it than what she’s saying just by the little subtle changes in her expression.  I can only imagine the many complicated feelings she must be experiencing.  

On the one hand, he’s the worst part of her past life and surely deserved to die.  But on the other hand, unintentional or not, he died saving her.  Geum Ja does not state this with any affection or sentimentality in her voice.  It is merely something that happened.  Thank goodness the writers did not try to redeem him in the last minute.  One good deed does not make up for all the violence and abuse inflicted on her and her mother.  

Anyway, all that muddled history and emotions would make anybody conflicted.  They really handled it the best way they could - simply state what happened and move on.  No hate, no praise, no sadness.  He was a terrible man who paid the ultimate price and died.  I like that Hee Jae understands not to push the matter any further and changes the subject.

Bro, you’re delusional if you think you still have a chance with her.  

And then we get to the ubiquitous Big Shareholder Meeting that we see so often in dramas.  I love how Geum Ja is so ballsy in everything she does and she does it all in her comfy tracksuits. Of course the Big Shareholder Meeting does not go as planned and Song Pil Jung gets arrested.

God I love the look on Geum Ja’s face.  It screams “is this guy still talking to me?”

Can I just say, I love how utterly brutal Geum Ja is in her rejection of Kevin Jung.  Woof, ouch.  If I ever heard that from someone I liked, I would be so devastated and embarrassed, I’d find a dark hole to bury myself in and lick my wounds.  But of course, Kevin, like all the other men who fall for Geum Ja, seems to be into it.  It takes a certain type of man to go for Geum Ja and apparently that type is a total masochist who likes getting rejected and their heart ripped out.  I mean, to each their own.

I like whenever they do their power couple strut.

A bro fist bump?  Really?  Hm, I never really fist bumped the guys I dated but that’s cool I guess.  They’re going in to destroy Song Pil Jung so I guess a fist bump is appropriate.

Hm, I don’t know.  It seems like you’re the one who got arrested.

Bro.  Mister.  Are you for real?  Did you forget all the shitty things you did to her?

Yeah, that’s kind of a big deal I think.

SO. SATISFYING.  Whew honey, this exchange gave me life.  My skin has cleared, my bank account is full, and I’ve lost 5 pounds.

Yessss I am all for this nerdy JJH in glasses and turtleneck sipping on expensive instant coffee aesthetic. 

The couple that taunts together, stays together?

Hahahahaha, Hee Jae talking about being professional at work? Hahahahha.

I live for jealous Hee Jae because he’s extra ridiculous whenever he’s jealous.  In this scene he’s getting jealous over Ju-Ho calling Geuma Ja “noona” and it’s like come on, they’re foster siblings.  Let him call her noona.  Side note, Netflix translates “noona” into Eun-Young, Geum Ja’s real name, and it irks me.  Couldn’t they have just translated it into “sis” instead?

Now we’re around the 55 minute mark and I’m thinking, okay this is probably where it’s going to end.  This is when it’s going to happen.  They don’t have that much time left in the episode.  All right, give me us all that we’ve been waiting for.

(Good looking main stays looking good.)

You can’t ever accuse Hee Jae of not being committed to Geum Ja.

We finally get an explanation for why Geum Ja always stared at that huge building

Haha, can you expect anything less from her character?  At this point, I’m looking at the remaining time and thinking, ok then, when’s that kiss gonna happen?

SHRIEKS WHAT ARE THOSE HIDEOUS THINGS ON HIS FEET?!  On another note, I’m sure Kim Hye Soo must be so glad she doesn’t have to wear those gigantic heels anymore.

Omg, ok, this is it.  We’re getting shots of beautiful sexy people strutting and being playful with each other.  They’re setting up for a romantic ending kiss.  Ok, time to prepare myself.

Yes, put your arms around each other.  We’re getting closer now.

Oh, ok.  I guess this will be a far away in the distance kind of kiss.  That’s ok, too I guess.

Oh, wait.  Never mind.  Looks like we’re going to get a frontal view of the ending kiss after all.  Even better!

What?  That’s it?  What?  Did I miss something?  This can’t be.

Oh whew.  An epilogue.  Ok, this is when it’s going to happen.

Hahaha, they’re totally using the vloggers to advertise for their law firm.  I love how Hee Jae has loosened up on what he thinks a proper lawyer should act like and it’s reflected in his more flamboyant wardrobe choices.

These damn fist bumps again.  All the time spent fist bumping could have been spent hugging and kissing.  Priorities, people!

Hah, like hell Hee Jae would ever leave Geum Ja.

Haha knew it.  Boy is more whipped than whipped cream.

This pretty much sums up their dynamic.  SIGH I’m not going to get my kiss am I.

Oh no.  That caption can only mean one thing.

Yeeep.  That’s it.  This is the end.  Finito.  

Well.  All right then.  You know, the first time I watched this episode, I felt very disappointed that there was no final kiss.  I mean the last time we saw them kissing was in episode 8 at the midpoint of the drama.  This drama was clearly a rom com/screwball comedy so it only seemed fitting that there would be one last kiss scene.  That’s how you end a romantic drama!  But alas.

Actually, upon re-watching and re-capping this episode, I realized that even though we did not get any kiss scene, the writers still gave us plenty of sweet moments between Hee Jae and Geum Ja.  We got to see their lovely progression into becoming partners who supported and trusted each other so that was nice.  Even though they’re clearly together now, it’s nice to see that they still have their playful bickering dynamic.  So objectively, it was a nice ending.  I just personally wanted more smooches.

If you made it through this entire post, thank you for expending so much time reading my ramblings and congratultaions on having so much patience!

[minashaia]

After doing a list for the protagonist, I will do My top 6 rivals this time. Three things before I start;

1- I don’t consider Shark or Kaiser as a rival “ don’t even try to convince me🤣”

2- This is my personal opinion you are can disagree with me but no need for questioning me for my opinion 😂”

3- this list based on them as a character, so things like who was the strongest or best rivalry with his protag are unnecessary “ let’s be honest strong or better duelist isn’t a thing in yugioh since some characters need to lose for plot purposes. As for the rivalry it’s not their fault that protagonists like Yusaku,Yugi or Yuma had partners to duel in their ceremonial duels while Yuya and Yusei didn’t have so they had to duel their rivals”

6- Akaba Reiji; I will describe Reiji by one word “meh” Basically I understand why everyone love him. He is really a great and of the strongest rivals in the franchise alongside Revolver. They are both more strategic duelists and not just summing their strongest monster to win “ looking at You Kaiba” also he is the first rival that started the show respecting his protagonist. But the guy barely appeared in the show for me to care about , didn’t have great duels “ except the ones with Yuya” he doesn’t act like a rival. Simply I know nothing about Reiji , I might dislike Arc v and it’s my least favorite, but I will tell I enjoyed a lot of characters and Reiji was not one of them

5- Jun Manjome, in some way Manjome was unique and most importantly he had personality even if the characters don’t take him seriously as what rival supposed unfortunately. However I do appreciate his character development and growth into a better duelist. The biggest problem with him and petty much half of Gx main cast is that they all were overshadowed by Judai.

4- Seto Kaiba, our classic rival,He has best rivalry with Yugi and their duels are epic. But The biggest problem I have with Kaiba is that he hasn’t his own story arc or a character development. When Noah’s arc starts, Thats supposed to be his moment to shine but no Yugi step in and takes his place. And seriously , he saw people dieing , his soul was taken , went to the past and saw himself?! And he still don’t believe all that?!! Not saying Kaiba didn’t change but not the same way I felt with the first three. He is still an iconic character in the franchise that no one can deny.

3- The king himself Jack Atlas , if ppl watch Zexal because of Shark and Kaito , since they hate Yuma. Then guess what? I was almost close to drop 5ds cause I couldn’t stand or care for Yusie’s character “ that was at the beginning only” but Jack and Aki are one of the reasons why I watched the show. Jack was fantastic in so many way. The way he betrayed his friends and once he lost everything, he started from zero and learned to stand up for himself. Jack grow up and change through out the series , he cares for his friends and others. He has respectful and perfect rivalry with not only the one that he consider as friend but also a brother.

2- Tenjo Kaito , isn’t that enough?! Kaito fits the criteria for perfect rival. Not only that he is awesome, cool, badass and strong . He also has sad backstory. The poor guy suffered from watching his young brother sick and he can’t do anything. And his father abandon him. After that he was forced to hunt the numbers and to take ppl souls. Kaito never know anything about trust, it’s because of Yuma and Astral he started to accept others help. His character’s development was the best among the rivals. And finally he was the only one who never lost a duel against his protagonist.

1- if there’s only one rival that can beat all of them it’s my gun boy REVOLVER/KOGAMI RYOKEN. Why Revolver is the best character?! Very complex and well developed. This guy was just 8 years old boy who loved dueling ,laying on the flowers looking at the sky being in peaceful world. However his asshole father decided to ruin his entire childhood and life by making him part of his shitty project. His father asked him to bring one of the children to his home ,listening to their crying and screaming, he decided to be the voice for one of them then save them from their suffering and be a hero, unfortunately this is where his life with guilt begins. for 10 years he was manipulated by his father’s beliefs and followed him even it takes to hurt ppl or sacrificing lives like what he did back in season1 he was basically behind his father’s mask aka hiding like criminal. After his father’s out of the picture Revolver starts to choose his own ways to deal with things he no longer wants to hurt ppl in real world only things needs to be done in LV . He was mad for what happened to Windy’s partner, for Lightning attacking unconscious PM , worried about Spectre and let Sb unleash his anger, pushed him to over come his trauma and stopped his attack for Jin. Basically Revolver went from antagonist who hide his face like criminal, was following his father’s path, to an antihero who still holds to his fathers’ wishes but in his own way without hurting ppl. To true knight who now will protect ppl and the network. The way they wrote him with balancing his story and character without taking his personality or making him change all of sudden or act out of his character it was pleasant to watch him I will miss him so much.

[wingheadshellhead]

So I just read Jonathan Hickman's Avgers, Vol. 1: Avengers World which has that scene about how "it started with two men; one was life and one was death" in reference to Steve and Tony. What really confuses me and kind of makes me angry is why Tony is death? I don't really understand what it's referencing or what he's done to be Death. Like merchant of death and all that I get. But he's past his history now right? Even poetically in an avengers comic why is he still death? Wondering if you know?

i mean,,,,,,, i know fandom was briefly up in arms about this (not really but it was a Thing ppl were mildly salty about) but hickman never specifies who he’s referring to here. (the placement of the captions means nothing lmao, it’s literally just positioned in standard left-to-right reading order.) and actually, many ppl in fandom have taken that exact ambiguity and spun it on its head in edits and fics and especially re: mcu after ca: cw to cast steve as death, and tony as life as an interesting subversion of popular understanding of that quote where 616 tony = death, 616 steve = life. 

hickman’s writing style is very much about intense concept ideas and the big picture, he goes HARD on metaphors that make for great quotes and oneliners taken out of context but doesn’t often attempt to explain or further clarify what they mean. as someone who’s read most of his original comic east of west over at image, i can tell you it’s Classic Hickman to throw out that kind of dramatic ass statement and leave it up in the air as to who’s who just because it was memorable, it sounded fucking good, and it’s going to stick in people’s heads long after they’ve finished reading. and it definitely works bc this one ticks all three boxes.

personally, i don’t think hickman specifically intended one of them to be Life personified or Death personified; that’s hyperbolic even for hickman’s level of drama. and with steve and tony, at least, i think he knows full well that he’s dealing with Humans at the end of the day and not metaphorical embodiments of things. 

so what i think about the quote, specifically: 

1. it’s more useful as an axiomatic representation of tony and steve as polarising forces then as a literal statement where both correlate exactly to life or death; this is the unstoppable force meets immovable object facet of their relationship. 

hickman’s vol. 5 was very much about exploring and interrogating this part of steve and tony’s dynamic and driving it to its very limits. while i don’t know that i was totally satisfied with vol. 5 as an avengers comic bc i like seeing my kids get along and not constantly trying to murder each other, hickman definitely Gets steve and tony. he Gets their dynamic and the drama and tragedy that can come from such an important, intense and deeply profound relationship that’s grounded in so much history and personal stakes and emotions. tony and steve being best friends for over a decade and such important figures in each other’s lives will never negate the fact that they have very different ethical alignments and moral philosophies. and for two people who are absolutely compelled by those things in everything they do, going head to head with someone that happens to land at the polar opposite of them on the spectrum is always going to go down like… well… y’know. civil wars. universes dying. just bc that’s literally how much marvel has invested in them lol.

but i respect people / characters who respect themselves too much to bend just bc someone they love, or people they love, wants them to. i respect characters that will stand their ground and stick to their convictions even though it’d be easier not to, esp. when they’re risking someone they love. and conversely, just because steve and tony can’t agree on everything doesn’t mean their relationship suddenly becomes null and void. they’re too vastly similar but also different people who’d sooner die then stop fighting for the thing(s) they believe need to be fought for; this is something they know in their bones about each other, they know each other too well to expect anything less from the other person.

2. they can both be both. and this is Literal given that steve’s last act in the final moments of the 616 universe ‘as we knew it’ (bc there’s some debate – spoiler alert? – that the all-new all-different universe that marvel is currently set in is not 616 but a completely different universe and the 616 that existed before is legitimately just dead) was to take one of tony’s suits and try to murder him. granted, the ‘tony’ that was tony in the final moments of the 616 universe ‘as we knew it’ was also Not Really Tony, and i fully believe that the influences of Superior Tony were still lingering and tainting his overall Tonyness. in that instance, if you were going to be very simplistic and reductionist abt your interpretation of the quote, steve was definitely death. but Again, they are Both Both. tony spent (spends lbr) pretty much all his time in vol. 5 prophesizing death and destruction like 616′s very own cassandra; as Not Really Tony / still sorta superior iron man he pilots the godkiller to massacre an entire alien race from invading and destroying earth; building bombs, and being fully behind the plan to kill other planets to save earth-616.

you’re right that 616 doesn’t bring up his past as often as mcu does anymore because it’s considered literal ancient history (as in bronze age 60′s history that’s been written to death, although i’m of the opinion any good tony stark writer Can and Will find a way to write his past into modern relevance). tony’s narrative and the nature of his character, however, (sb driven by guilt and accountability and the knowledge that he’s alive bc of the sacrifice of a man who died to save him – i.e. yinsen) will always inevitably feature death, his history, and his subsequent transformation. talking about 616 and specfiically tony’s actions and choices in hickmanvengers doesn’t really help my point but to talk about tony + death in general, regardless of the universe, ‘death’ also doesn’t have to be the BadTM concept it’s usually thought of as. mcu tony canonically refers to himself as a phoenix, and the Afghanistan / Vietnamistan incident is metaphorically a ‘death’ for tony stark the charcter and his rebirth as Iron Man, the Golden Avenger. in any universe, tony’s hero narrative hinges on that rebirth and transformation as a symbol of his capacity for heroism and Goodness, of taking his ugly past and former ignorance and mistakes and transforming it into something wholly and purely driven by bravery and sacrifice. 

i mean, yes, sure, if ppl are going to sit there and only take the label at face-value: death = bad / awful / terrible / only referring to his past as a weapons manufacturer and merchant of death, then yes, that would be a shitty interpretation to swallow as a tony fan. but seeing as how comics is a medium that’s built on constantly evolving and changing characters / worlds / entire universes, death as ‘rebirth’ is a very justifiable and canonically valid reading of tony. 616 tony has died multiple times, literally and figuratively, and every time he’s rebuilt himself bigger and better and stronger. the connotations of death within hickman’s own narrative and world-building is heavily linked to metamorphosis and resurrection. the final act of his avengers run and the centrepiece of the secret war event ended with the revival of the 616 universe. not to get too philosophical and existential here but death isn’t even really an End in the comics medium bc nobody and nothing ever permanently ‘dies’; it’s not possible to associate the concept with a definitive ‘end’, which makes most of the negative imagery surrounding ‘one was death’ redundant. i’m all for intrepretations of ‘death’ that are closely interlinked, if not entirely hand-in-hand, with ideas of rebirth, rebuilding, evolution, etc.

anyway, avengers world is great and i fucking love it so even if i haven’t swayed your opinion, i wouldn’t let the quote override your enjoyment of the overall comic. which, i hope you do enjoy, bc the happiness doesn’t last in hickmanvengers. buckle in for the long haul my guy.

[junker-town]

Fumble Dimension, episode 1: director’s commentary

Kofie Yeboah and Jon Bois recently debuted the premiere episode of Fumble Dimension, a show in which they simulated the death of the NBA over the course of several decades. They kept a diary. Here is that diary.

SB Nation Labs’ new series “Fumble Dimension” started with a new version of Jon Bois’ 2014 “Death of Basketball” article. During the six weeks it took to make the video, Jon and Kofie kept a diary of what the saw. Feel free to read along with the video, or enjoy it separately. Either way, here are the findings.

DAY 1

July 25th, 2019

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After months of discussion with my research partner Kofie Yeboah, we have elected to begin the NBA 2K experiment. In brief, we will attempt to create a portal to a cursed world.

Five years ago, I conducted an experiment. I created a 2K player who was as small, talentless, inept, and stupid as possible. Worse than any random person one would pull in from off the street.

And then I cloned this player until there was an entire NBA draft class full of him. And then I fed this draft class into the game’s franchise mode, year after year, decade after decade, until no real-life NBA players remained. The sport of basketball was destroyed.

I have long regretted my failure to keep proper statistics of this misadventure. Equipped with more time, endless spreadsheets, and the simulation expertise of Mr. Yeboah, the two of us intend to fully chronicle this horror.

I would like to believe I am a good person. But is this what good people do?

Jon, 5:59 p.m.

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DAY 2

July 26th, 2019

I am exploring the Create-a-Player mode. A wealth of options is at our disposal. Notably, the mode allows us to select a type of injury a player is most vulnerable to, and how many days it is likely to keep him out of action. For instance, if this is as it seems, a player might miss up to 480 days after sustaining a bloody nose or getting the wind knocked out of him.

Player attributes are all pulled down to 25, the lowest possible value. Tendencies -- as in, the player’s tendency toward a certain shot or behavior -- are another matter. In the experiment five years ago, I set every tendency at 0. I consulted with Kofie, who suggested we set them all at the maximum of 100, just to see what happens. Our reasoning is as follows: fuck it.

Jon, 2:04 p.m.

The Xbox keeps overheating while Kofie is attempting to create the draft class. It doesn’t want us to do this. Will take a shift of my own later.

Jon, 5:31 p.m.

DAY 3

July 29th, 2019

Two consoles and one weekend later, I have finally finished out the roster from hell that Jon started. I had to save early and often like this was a term paper that counted for 25% of my final grade. Whenever I tried to change too much data the Xbox One would shut down 2K and I’d have to start over from my last save point. This might be because this is an older version of the console, or this might be a game problem.

Luckily, now that the big building part is out of the way I don’t expect us to have anymore problems like this because our MyLeague will likely run on autosaving.

The draft class is here.

I wanted to test out the abilities of these players without compromising the NBA rosters so I decided to go to the classic teams.

For the sake of the article I’m not going to spoil how these characters play like so far, but boy oh boy you’re in for a treat.

Kofie 4:45 p.m.

DAY 4

July 30th, 2019

Before we start simulating I want to give some background on what exactly we’re doing here. We will be using the MyLeague mode and tracking as many seasons as it takes to completely jack up the league. Now NBA 2K tells us that we have to control one team, but they *didn’t say* that we had to be good at it. Sorry, Warriors.

We also will be automating everything we can except for the draft class, which we will import ourselves. Now apparently storylines can be added to the players in this draft class. I have no idea how that affects it so I’m going to say no.

Every season the sim will stop to ask us if we want to see the All-Star team captains. This will be obnoxious at first, but has the potential to be absolutely hilarious. A crazy thing that is in NBA 2K19 is “advanced stats,” which is something that seems mad unnecessary for this but I will welcome it with open arms.

We can also scout the shitty draft class that we put in the game. Now a weird thing I’m seeing is that the scouting report ALTERED the heights and weights of some of the players, so some players actually 5’2, which is BELOW the possible heights we made when we were making create a players. Is this because I put prospect scouting on Auto? There are so many settings in this one that I honestly can’t tell which one changes prospect height. One thing that didn’t change, however is that they all still suck.

At this point in time we are rejecting any rule changes that could potentially be made in the league.

So. During the Draft Combine we found out that damn near everybody had an eye injury and that is considered a serious draft concern. We are not making this up. This is real. In the combine the highest vertical leap was 26 inches. That’s it not ideal, but oddly enough it seems that everyone doesn’t completely suck at jump shots.

NBA 2K has also added Summer League, so we will get to see these players way earlier than expected.

After Season one we have one 40 Overall on the Warriors, He is currently reserve status, but don’t worry D.J. Gatling, Your time will come.

DAY 5

August 2nd, 2019

Season 2:

We are on season 2 of NBAY2K2 and our 40 overall for the Warriors, D.J. Gatling, has already played five games for a grand total of five minutes.

I just want to take the time to shout out Kurt Ryan, who made All-Rookie 1st Team without actually playing a game. We had some productive rookies this year, but they were from our draft class. They consisted of players that were already on two-way contracts. I think we’re going to see a decline of rookie production really soon. Congrats to Jacob Evans III for being named rookie of the year. Yes, that’s a real player, so shout out to him.

In addition to Vince Carter and Jamal Crawford, a lot of our 40 overall players are already retiring, which … fair. 29 teams voted to eliminate the shot clock, but we’re going to override this rule change … for now. Now usually after a season or two the players start to regress or progress. Our 40 overalls aren’t doing either. This is progression purgatory. No one improves, no one declines.

Season 3:

Despite the rookie class and summer league rosters running rampant with awful players, it seems like regular season players have been affected yet. When predicting when the first 40 overall would start/make a major impact, Jon said four years while Kofie went high with eight years. We’ll see who is right in the near future.

DAY 6

August 5th, 2019

Season 4: I’m not sure how long the takeover will take because we have a considerable number of 40 overalls retiring. I’m not sure how efficient the draft class infiltrations are. However, like Thanos, destruction is inevitable. After one month of simulating, the highest total number of minutes for a 40 overall is 2.

However, thanks to another Steph Curry injury, we finally have a 40 overall in the 12-man rotation. The little people are moving up in the league!

Season 5: Holy shit, LeBron James is a 95 overall at age 37.

The Rising Stars challenge seems to have disappeared. I didn’t sim through it and it was definitely in season 4. Maybe we have reached a point where there aren’t enough players to fill out a roster for it. Which means that we are getting closer and closer to the takeover.

Also LeBron retired. Damn. End of an era. He was so good that he got his jersey retired on three different teams! Take that, Kobe.

We are also extremely close to a summer league roster of all 40 overalls. Dammit Cody!

Season 6: After disappearing for one season, the Rising Stars challenge is BACK… wait never mind it disappeared again LOL. So what I’m guessing is happening is that there aren’t enough young international players to make a Rising Stars roster. Which is wild because we totally didn’t take the places hometowns into account at all when starting this. Maybe we can vote to bring the Rookie-Sophomore game back?

Season 7: After six seasons, it doesn’t look like we’re making any real progress right now. The main reason why is because all of these two-way players and G leaguers are coming up and getting in the way of everything.

Season 8: Now we’re getting into a nice simulation routine. Steph Curry is 37 years old and looking like the next star to retire. The 40 overalls are making a slow, but steady climb in the rosters. The team with the most 40 overalls on the roster is currently the Orlando Magic with four people.

It took eight seasons, but we finally have a summer league team with all 40 overall people. Let’s see how this goes.

Season 9: Devin Booker JUST turned 30. Damn.

DeAndre Ayton just won MVP for the Detroit Pistons. Ladies and gentlemen, we are officially in the simulation,

We’re also, one year away from a new CBA and a new TV deal and I don’t know what that means but it’s about to go DOWN.

Season 10:

So remember earlier when we had a player make the All-Rookie team without playing a game? Now we have a player on the All-Rookie 1st team that isn’t even technically on the team. Yes this guy has a contract with an overseas team and is ineligible to sign a contract for a year and STILL made 1st team all rookie. Wow.

Season 11:

Ladies and gentlemen, WE HAVE MINUTES!

DAY 7

August 6th, 2019

Season 11 continued:

So over the course of the season the 40s’ minutes would fluctuate due to injuries and stuff. Here’s an example of the Warriors roster when it’s full of injuries. This is crazy.

Side note: The Xbox One crashes are BACK, baby, making this simulation twice as complicated as it needs to be. Great. Help me.

DeAndre Ayton has won his third straight MVP award and I don’t know how to feel about this.

Season 12: It’s all going to shit. The Warriors team we’ve been keeping a close eye on has to start a 58 overall shooting guard because all of the 40 overall players are Centers. Curry, Harden and Cousins are gone and now the NBA is damn near unrecognizable. There are only three free agents in the 70s range. The rest are all 40 overalls, baby.

I’m sure this specific team wouldn’t be ass if we actually let them make awesome free agency moves. We however, have sat back and watched the fireworks.

Also. I’m sorry.

Season 13:

The 40s are starting to show promise as rotation players. No one knows how this happened or why it happened, but the end is near. We’re getting phases of play with multiple 40 overalls on the court at the same time. Their impact and footprint is growing ever so slowly.

Season 14.

The Warriors now have a 40 overall as the 6th. Guys, this shit is about to go nuclear. We are at the point where 2K is making up undrafted players that are better than the 40 overall rookies. Because this:

Is not a real person.

I had to make sure that the draft class wasn’t contaminated or that there wasn’t an error, but no. 2K is making up undrafted players to compensate for the fact that we made them all centers. Which is another thing that we weren’t expecting this time around. Well played, 2K. Well played. Also our Warriors team is 7-75 on the season. You love to see it.

I think all of the contracts except for two players ran out because in the offseason it looks like this now.

Season 15: As confirmed. NBA 2K is making up undrafted players, but no worries because we now have our first 40 overall in the STARTING LINEUP. HELL YEAH.

There is a new season fill roster option which will automatically sign players to fill roster to the NBA minimum. Jon thinks that the players are SO bad that the NBA teams refuse to sign them, so NBA 2K makes up players. Let’s put this to the test.

At the end of the season, there was a prompt for me to fill out the rest of the roster with players. I have 12 spaces to fill. I choose not to do it and the game crashes multiple times because I can’t sign anyone. They wouldn’t take my offers. Help us.

DAY 9

August 8th, 2019

With Kofie out of town, I’m reviewing his video files. In particular, I am recording the PER of every player over the years who has played enough to qualify for the stat. This requires hours of manual data entry. It is almost unbearably tedious. But it is worth it.

Thus far, I have recorded five seasons’ worth of PER data. I have plotted all five seasons, arranged from best to worst player.

There is no meaningful difference to be observed so far. This is my prediction: once it changes, it will change very quickly and dramatically. This will not be gradual.

We’ll continue to see key retirements in the coming years. But if a player can hang on for long enough to stand as one of the only giants left in the league, his PER will skyrocket. Perhaps to the 40s or above.

Jon, 7:42 p.m.

DAY 10

August 12th

I’m back from being out of town and I want to try to solve the undrafted player effect. My hypothesis is that this is because we made the draft class all centers. I’m making a second draft class and spreading out the positions to see if that fixes our 2K problem, but for season 16 we’re going to keep it as is and not change the overalls of anyone 2K added for us.

Our Golden State Warriors went 0-82, which has to be because we don’t have a single real NBA player on our roster. This is incredible. The All-Star rosters are giving us players we’ve never seen before.

It’s also of note that after nothing but centers for 15+ years, not a single center was drafted in this year’s class.

Season 18:

It seems like changing the positions helped stop the 2k created player influx because now the Warriors only have 1 non 40 overall on the roster. The 60 overall was a 2K-made-up player, but we seem to be getting closer to the apocalypse.

The All-Star teams look wonky, as a character named Ivan Radja is the All Star Captain now. I’ve also decided to watch the three-point contest and dunk contest this year. A 37-year-old DeAndre Ayton won MVP again. I predict that him retiring will be the true last domino to fall. He’s only a 75 overall now, but he’s dominating the league.

Season 19: At last, we have a team with all 40 overalls so we tried a game against a team that didn’t start any of them, and holy shit we got waxed.

It looks like we’re going to have to wait out the players 2K made up in our stead for this to be a fair fight. This also marks the first season where the MVP isn’t an actual real player. The MVP of the league was a 66 overall. For context, that’s the same overall rating as Kyle Collinsworth in today’s game.

Season 20: This is where it gets interesting, because there are teams with a lot of 70 overall players and teams with only 40 overall players. Jokic and Giannis are on our coaching staff and they’re easily better than anyone on the roster.

Day 10

August 12th

I just noticed that DeAndre Bembry is rated 92 overall in Season 8, making him one of the best players in the NBA. The prior seven seasons he barely played at all, or at least not enough to register in the PER column.

Reader, I will be honest with you: I could not remember who DeAndre Bembry was, and until I saw that he had an actual photo, I’d assumed the game had made him up.

Jon, 11:50 a.m.

Day 11

August 13th.

Season 21:

We are just waiting for the eventual cascade of phasing out the not good players. As one of the teams with all 40 overall players, we are on a steady diet of not only losing games, but getting destroyed in each game.

Now, I also discovered something. It seems after the free agent period is simmed every year no free agent deals were made. All of the team rosters only had 2-3 players on it. It seems like 2K then takes the first 12 players available *by rating* and gives it all to one team and then the next best overall goes to the next team and this happens in alphabetical order, so by the time the Warriors have a chance there are only 40 overalls.

This also happens every year as the people 2K made up have 1 year contracts while the draft classes that we made get rookie deals. This means that our Warriors team will be terrible until the playing field is level… so like a decade?

Season 23-26: We’re making progress on the simulation. As more and more players are retiring the playing field is evening out and the Warriors look like they are winning more games.

Season 26: the Golden State Warriors made the playoffs, winning only 28 games. This caught me so much by surprise that I didn’t realize it until the playoffs were over. Meanwhile the dominant Philadelphia 76ers went 79-3. In fact, FOUR teams won 70 games in the EASTERN CONFERENCE ALONE

Season 28:

The Golden State Warriors are third in the Western Conference with a grand total of 38 wins. Jesus, the Western Conference is atrocious.

Season 29: Holy shit, the Warriors finished .500. We’re getting closer.

Day 12

August 14th.

Season 30: The Warriors won 45 games this year and LeBron James has retired from the league again, this time as an assistant coach!

Season 31: The Most Valuable Player is a guy named Daniel Mills, who averaged 5 points and 35 rebounds a game. A 6’9 34-year-old who went undrafted. This is a 2K-made-up player who is still dominating the league because he’s just tall. In fact, there’s a huge spike of rebounds per game across the board.

Is this what the 1960s were like?

Season 32:

The Philadelphia 76ers went 82-0. YUP, 82-0. They also went 82-0 the season before. Jesus.

Want to see their roster?

Yeah. That’s all it takes now. They also went 16-0 in the playoffs.

With that being said, the total dominance of one team means that the 2K fill-ins are getting phased out. We’re so close. Hang in there, NBA. 5 of those 76ers players retired after this season. This might be the final straw for the good players of the league. Stay tuned.

Season 33:

Only three non-40-overalls remain in the entire league. Of course, they’re all on the 76ers. Sam Hinkie was a genius. Let’s see how a game between our Warriors and the 76ers plays out.

Meet Johnathan Bucker.

He’s the only 6’10 player left in the league, and he’s getting all the rebounds. He’s only 50 overall. After all of this, he didn’t even make the All-Star team because he suffered a right ankle sprain. Of course.

Well, there’s only one thing left we can do: try out the three point contest. Oh dear God.

The dunk contest isn’t better. It’s just a bunch of players glitching out and only getting 30s. Because they don’t even look like they’re dunking. Adam Silver needs to change that shit.

As expected, Johnathan Buckner wins the MVP as a 48 overall, averaging 43.8 rebounds a game because he’s tall as shit. He’s also 37.

Season 34: We have finished the job. The infiltration is complete.

Season 36: This is the year I’m going to start installing 0-tendency guys into the game to see just how shitty this can get.

Season... I don’t even know anymore. The year is 2055: It seems that the 0-tendency guys infiltrated our roster in no time at all.

All is... won? No that can’t be the saying.

Season I have no idea: This is the All-Star game. The funniest part about this is the NBA 2K broadcasting crew pretending that nothing is different.

All is lost.

Season 40:

The Warriors win the NBA Finals again, but at what cost?

All is lost.

All is lost.