#// possibly the funniest match so far

[black-cat-showdown]

Black Cat Showdown Round 2

[demonanata]

[joelsgoldrush]

“guilty pleasure” | 8.6k

worst!logan howlett x f!reader

SUMMARY: After saving Earth-10005 from impending disaster, Wade convinces Logan, the alcoholic and easily irritated mutant, to stick around for a while. He’s convinced that nothing good can come out of this experience, until he meets you: the charming bartender with a soft spot for swearing that matches his own. Suddenly, sticking around doesn’t seem so bad after all.

WARNINGS/TAGS: mdni - smut 18+ fluff. drinking. dirty talk. slow-burnish. grumpy!logan x sunshine!reader. reader is really kind but cracks a lot of jokes. age gap (25 vs 200 - they’re basically the same age). oral sex (f receiving). fingering. finger sucking. soft dom!logan. wade being the funniest asshole. logan calls reader "kiddo/kid”.

A/N: HI! first of all, i'd like to thank you for all the support you showed me on my recent post. let me just tell you that i’m LOVING writing for logan. but none of this would be possible without YOU, so yeah, i fucking love y’all.

** regarding this story, i was planning on making it even longer, but writing these two has been so much fun, and i didn’t want it to end just like that (i have attachment issues as you may infer from this note). therefore, i’ve made the decision to write a second part to this fic, which will contain fluff and other stuff (you already know the drill). i don’t know when i’ll be posting it, but i’m sure it won’t take me that long.

*** i’m also working on other one shots (purely fluff/domesticity because i want this man to cradle me in his arms). anyway, i don’t know if anyone’s going to read this, but still, all I have to say is THANK YOU FOR READING MY WORKS! i hope you really like this silly story i made up :)

**** english is not my first language so if you come across any mistakes don’t hesitate to tell me :)

special recognition to @zloshy who allowed me to rant about my own fic 😭 the sweetest human ever

The bar is far from packed, but then again, it never truly is.

Studying your regulars has become your favorite hobby. Soon you end up knowing their names, the drinks they like, and what time they come through the door. It’s what happens when standing on your own two feet and refilling glasses lose all their charm. A part of you thinks you also do it to make them feel safe. No matter how much you try to deny it, you truly care about their well-being.

Is this your dream job? Nope. Definitely not. You’re pretty sure that holding some stranger’s hair while they empty their insides wasn’t on your bingo card for this year. But sadly money doesn’t grow on trees, and university isn’t going to pay itself. Plus, this was the only job in which your resume was not immediately rejected. It should also be stressed that the drunks happen to love you. 

Perhaps this isn’t the life you had always imagined for yourself, but you were getting closer to it. You’d often talk to Adam, a retired psychologist in his seventies. He was without a doubt one of the most loyal clients you’d ever encountered. In the past, he’d even given you free advice on some of your failed hookups. You once told him that in less than two years, you’d be just like him when you got your degree in Psychology. To your surprise, he replied: “You’ll be much better than me, doll. I’m a mess, can’t you see it? You don’t wanna be like me,” his voice was hardly above a whisper as he continued. “I should be at my daughter’s birthday right now, but I didn’t get an invitation this year. Believe me, you don’t want to end up like this old man.” 

Like Adam, most of the men who frequented the bar day-to-day saw it as an opportunity to hide within the shadows. In comparison to the other pubs in the area, the one you work at doesn’t receive that much attention from the general public. A dimly lit place where only music from the 80s is allowed. You’re certain that if a health inspector ever came down here, you’d be in serious problems. But hey, you know what they say: do not worry about tomorrow; instead, live in the now.

The atmosphere of the bar shifts dramatically as the main door slams shut with a resounding thud, pulling you abruptly out of your daydreaming. You turn to see who’s arrived, but as soon as your eyes meet his, you’re compelled to look away. Nevertheless, the brief glance you catch of the stranger’s features is enough for you to unlock your phone and send a quick text to your best friend. 

You:

cutie patootie alert

there’s this really handsome guy at the bar

i don’t think i’ve ever seen him before

i think i’m in love with him

my night just got a 100% better

Allison:

age

what does he look like

is he bald?

You:

he looks like he could be in his early fifties??? it’s hard to tell UGH i wish you were here

brown hair, beard, 6’2 if i’m not wrong 

i didn’t stare at him for too long

otherwise that would’ve been very weird

and no he’s not fucking bald

that happened only once and i was not aware of that gentleman’s lack of hair 

Allison:

so you’re dating retired now

get it grandma!

You:

oh fuck you allison 

Allison: 

it’s okay girl we all have our flaws

just make sure it’s nobody’s father

wait it’s not mine right?

You:

nah your dad’s way hotter don’t you worry about it

Allison:

bitch 

Even with the music blasting through the speakers that are attached to the ceiling, you can still hear the low murmur and the whispers. The mysterious stranger seems to have attracted the attention of the other patrons, some of whom have even raised their phones to take photos. Your eyebrows draw together. Why would they do something like this, approaching the man as if he were a celebrity? Since curiosity never fails to kill the cat, you decide to get involved.

“Do I have somethin’ on my face?” you hear him ask the crowd, his raspy voice making your knees wobbly. He sounds enraged. You step on your tiptoes, trying to see what all the fuss is about, albeit it’s pretty hard considering how these men are caging him with their bodies.

The glow of a phone’s flashlight catches your attention, and suddenly, a chair is dragged without much elegance. “Enough of that, y’hear me?”

Enter you now. “Okay, gentlemen, I’m sorry. I’m gonna need you to make some space for me, alright?” you mumble as you gently push them aside. “Thank you, thank you. Y’all can be real sweethearts when you put your minds to it.”

Then you spot him, and it becomes clear why everyone is making such a fuss. 

Gary, your worst client ever, steps forward. His nasty breath clouds your senses as he rests one of his sweaty hands on your shoulder. “Doll, it’s the fucking Wolverine. Don’t ask him for a picture, though. He doesn’t seem to be in the mood for that.”

The last thing you needed to see today was a fight (despite your knowledge of who would be the winner). You locate yourself amidst them, shaking your head like a disappointed mother, so as to add a tiny bit of drama to the situation.

“Guys, what you’re doing here is completely inappropriate. I thought I’d taught you better. Imagine if I were to pull this crap on you. You wouldn’t have it.”

Adam presses his lips together, flushing a bit. “She does have a point.” 

“Thank you, peanut. You’re still my favorite,” you flash him an honest smile. Scrutinizing the rest of the men, you continue with your speech. “You can still make up for it and fill my tip jar all the way to the top. Deal?” they all scoff, barking their disagreement. “Oh, you don’t like the sound of that? Then leave him alone, okay? Class dismissed! Back to your places,” you clap your hands repeatedly, signaling them to go away. “Chop chop. All this alcohol won’t be drinking itself.”

Just like that, everything goes back to normal in the blink of an eye. Wolverine sits back down in his chair, leaning closer to the table and resting both elbows on it. He examines you, lifting his chin while his brown eyes take in every inch of you.

“Thank you,” he utters, his eyes still trained on your features. 

“No need to. It’s what I’m here for,” you point to your work clothes, which consist of an antiqued apron and a silly sticker that has your name written on it. “Can I get you anything to drink? It’s also Burger Night. You can get one for half the usual price.”

(No. It’s not fucking Burger Night. You just happen to find yourself deeply attracted to him.)

He doesn’t seem too eager to hear you talk. “Not hungry at the moment. But I could use some whiskey.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, kid. Very sure.” Well, now he does look annoyed.

“Great. I’ll be back in a minute,” you move as if you were in a race, returning to him after a hot minute. Setting his glass down on the table, you fill it with some old whiskey you don’t even know the name of. Still, he omits that detail, gulping down two-fingers of whiskey as if it were water. “I see you’re thirsty.”

“Could you leave the bottle here?” those brown puppy eyes are begging you to do as he says, and although you’d be happy to oblige, rules are rules. 

“Actually, I can’t. The bottle stays on the counter. But you can always join me at the front,” your proposal doesn’t appear to have the desired effect on him. “I won’t talk to you if that’s what you want.”

“I’ll take your word for it,” he rubs his neck, drawing a long breath as he stands up. 

You can feel many pairs of eyes searing into your soul. The others ask you for more drinks and you pour them, pricking up your ears when you hear them talking about him.

“What a weirdo. Didn’t you see it on TV? He’s not even from this universe,” Gary explains, looking for accomplices to hate on Wolverine. “Let me tell y’all something: he shouldn’t even be here. He’s fucking dead on this earth.”

Yeah… that you knew.

It had been all over the news for weeks. Some would even swear that he was back from the dead, but that was until the representatives from the TVA spoke their truth. If someone would’ve told you a month ago that multiple universes were a thing, you would’ve laughed in their face.

As if that weren’t already difficult to process, your mind does the job of reminding you that there’s a man with metal claws sitting a few meters away from you. Despite that, you can’t seem to be scared of him. There’s something magnetic about his personality and that don’t-come-near-me-or-there-will-be-consequences expression that he has. Why had you promised not to speak to him? Dammit.

“I can hear your thoughts,” a muscle in his jaw twitches after knocking back another glass of whiskey. He squeezes his eyes shut before tapping the table with two fingers, silently asking for a refill.

“I thought you didn’t want me to talk,” you raise one of your eyebrows, and you behold how the corners of his mouth turn up for an instant. “I can assure you your liver hates you.”

“Alcohol won’t kill me, so don’t be afraid. Keep ‘em coming.”

For nearly twenty minutes, he does nothing but drink. He attempts to light a cigar at some point, and you stop him. “You can’t smoke in here.”

“No special treatment?” he inquires, placing the cigar between his parted lips and tilting his head back. He’s so… dreamy. He has to know it.

“I saved your ass today. The least you can do is not cause me any trouble.”

His eyes widen at your words, blinking owlishly. “You saved my what?”

“Your goddamn ass. You were about to start a fight.”

“Blame the idiots you have for clients,” he says, jerking his thumb toward your direction. “I was just mindin’ my own business. They came for me, not the other way around.”

“Look, Wolvie. I–”

“Wolvie?” giving a bitter laugh, he rams a hand through his hair. “That’s the worst nickname I’ve heard in a long time,” he looks at you through his lashes, getting rid of his leather jacket. “It’s Logan.”

“Wow. Your name is very boybandish.”

You succeed in making him laugh once again. It’s the perfect opportunity for you to observe his face without feeling like you were just about to get caught. He has deep creases and worry lines etched between his eyebrows, a brown beard that perfectly frames his jaw, and a few white hairs scattered in his sideburns. Pearly teeth that go hand in hand with one of the most impeccable smiles you’ve ever seen, and a pair of brown eyes that make you feel weak in the knees. You know for a fact that he’s a lot older than you; his exact age remains a mystery, but his appearance is enough for you to start fantasizing.

Shit, you want him. You should feel sickened by the mere thought of being with him. He was born God knows when, has lived hundreds of years. Still, the idea of tracing his cheekbones with your fingers while lying on his chest doesn’t leave you. This is fucked up. You are fucked up. A fucked up Psychology student. The joke is pretty much self-explanatory.

“So this is where you’ve been hiding, you preening slut. Can’t even bother to answer my calls now?”

The tension between you shatters like a glass dropped onto the floor. He doesn’t dare to look in the direction of the owner of that voice, not even as the seat next to him gets taken. He pinches the bridge of his nose in frustration. “Wade, what the hell are you doin’ here?”

“It hasn’t been exactly easy, raising our kid on my own. I don’t even have money to hire a babysitter, Lo. I spent nine months carrying your child, and for what? You end up going after a bartender,” the masked man turns to you, giving a sly wink. “No offense, baby. You must be a real sweetheart. In fact, do you want my number? The name’s Wade, but you can call me whatever you like.”

“You dumb fuck. Are you flirtin’ with her?”

“No shit, smartass. You’re the future of this country.”

A soft giggle escapes you despite your attempt to hold it back. You take a step back, admiring the two men. “Well, aren’t you two a beautiful couple?”

“You should see our little munchkin. He’s got my eyes and Logan’s hair. His first word was gubernatorial.”

“Would you like to have a drink while you’re here?”

“A beer would be great. Thank you, sugarbear. You’re the cutest,” Wade sinks back into his chair, resting his chin on his palm. He jerks his head in Logan’s direction, bumping his shoulder. “She’s the cutest. Are you two together?”

Logan rubs his forehead, speaking through gritted teeth. “How did you find me?”

“It's the power of love, baby. I had It’s All Coming Back To Me Now on repeat for hours. Couldn’t stop thinking about you.”

Handing Wade a cold beer, your eyes scan Logan’s face. “I didn’t know patience was your strongest suit.”

“Me neither.”

“Enough of that! I can’t stand not being included in a conversation,” Wade throws his hands in the air, and you look at him. “There you are. So, what about you? Are you even allowed to be here? Did bars change their policies?”

You can’t help but snort. “I’m 25.”

Wade looms closer, lowering his voice. “Now that I think about it, you could totally be Logan’s caretaker. He’s been having some issues recently, given his age. Do you… know anything about adult diapers?”

But then Logan’s face contorts, turning crimson. He rises from his seat, grabbing Wade’s arm. “That’s it. We’re leavin’,” his eyes lock on you for a moment. “How much do I owe you?”

“Don’t worry about it. It’s on the house.”

The things you’re willing to do for a man, right? You should be ashamed of yourself.

(But you aren’t.)

His mouth hangs open in disbelief. “Kiddo, are you–”

“Completely sure,” you finish his sentence for him, bowing your head and clasping your arms behind your body. A tight-lipped smile takes over you. “Just don’t tell my boss.”

Wade shifts his gaze back and forth between Logan and you. “I usually don’t mind third-wheeling, but I sort of feel left out.”

“I’m gonna sew your mouth shut, Wade.”

“Oh, come on! I was just making small talk,” the masked man tries to excuse himself while Logan pushes him towards the door. “It was a pleasure meeting you, sunshine. I’m free on Thursdays. Hit me up if his whiskey dick fails to impress you! Mine’s way more agile and young!”

As you watch them leave the bar, you remain frozen in your place amidst the clamor of ongoing chatter and clinking glasses.

What the fuck had just happened?

“Patrick’s normally the first one to get wasted during weekends,” you explain to the blonde woman sitting in front of you, and she writes that information down in her notebook. “He can usually handle himself, but at some point, he’ll try to call his ex-wife, and that’s when you know you need to stop serving him.”

She clicks her tongue, the color draining out of her face. “This is… definitely a lot to remember. I think I already forgot half of what you said.”

You shake your head, shoving your hands in your pockets. “You’ll get used to it, believe me. I’ll be with you at all times, so if you have any doubts, just ask me.”

After a whole year of working solo at the bar, you finally get to have a coworker: Gwen, a mother of two teenagers in her forties. You had met her at the grocery store, and in the process of helping her find a specific brand of cookies, you found out that she had recently lost her job. One thing led to another, and now she’s your trainee.

Your savior complex strikes again!

It has been four days since your first encounter with Logan. The thought that he could show up at any moment makes your heart race and your hands sweat. Allison had received countless voice messages where you narrated the entire experience in full detail. 

Touching your arm softly, Gwen’s face lights up. “Another man came in. Is he a regular? I don’t think you told me about him.”

Fuck, it’s him. Manifesting does work wonders. He locks eyes with you and raises a hand in greeting.

“Leave this one to me,” you tell her as your feet take you to where Logan’s sitting, contemplating the way in which his leather jacket hugs his wide frame. “Long time no see.”

“Hey, kid,” he grins. “What’s up?”

“Nothing much. Nobody has puked yet, so that’s a good thing,” you crinkle your nose, shifting your weight from one foot to the other. “Whiskey?”

“You know me so well,” a smirk takes place in his lips, and he smiles cockily. “Though this time, I won’t be leavin’ without payin’.”

“We’ll see about that,” you go back to your usual spot behind the counter, looking for a glass. Your cheeks kind of hurt from smiling so hard. Next to you, Gwen studies your reaction to seeing Logan. “Is that your boyfriend?”

You almost drop the whiskey bottle. “God, no. He’s not my boyfriend. Barely know the guy.”

“It’s funny,” she says, raising her eyebrows with a knowing look, as if she knows something you don’t. “He hasn’t stopped looking at you since he arrived.”

“It’s probably because of this,” you reply, lifting the bottle in her direction before pouring a small amount into a glass. Just as you’re about to walk over to him, a girl slides into the sit beside him, her long blonde hair swept up in a ponytail. She’s wearing a stunning red dress and black heels. You wonder if she’s a model, because she certainly looks like one.

Her hand creeps up his arm, fingernails scraping against the worn leather. Although Logan’s expression is hard to read, he doesn’t even flinch.

“You know what? Here’s his drink– You take care of it. I’ll stay here,” you don’t give Gwen a chance to talk back, instead staying behind the bar, engaging in small talk with other clients. 

“Doll, are you okay?” Adam asks you after noticing you struggling to open a beer bottle. He takes it from your hands and opens it with ease. “There you go.”

“Thank you, Adam. I’m fine, never been better. Why you ask?

“You sure?”

“Affirmative.”

“You mixed up our drinks,” he explains in his most psychologist-like voice. “This never happens to you. Michael has my wine, and I’ve got his martini.”

“Fuck! I’m so sorry. I just— I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” you chew on your bottom lip, rubbing your temples. “I feel stupid.”

“Oh, please. Don’t say that. You’re far from being stupid,” he sits up straight, reaching for your fingers and giving them an apologetic squeeze. “If you ask me, I think you’ve got your mind on someone else,” he must notice how you visibly get tense because he adds: “Remember: I know when you’re lying. You didn’t charge him the other day, which means that you must really like him,” taking a tentative sip of the martini he didn’t even ordered, Adam shrugs. “I’m a great observer. That’s all.”

Out of the corner of your eye, you see the blonde girl from before returning to where her friends are chatting. Logan is left alone, and you watch him grab his glass and head towards the counter.

“As I said, your mind’s somewhere else,” Adam sighs, a tiny smirk tugging at his lips. “Go get your man. I’ll survive.”

“Not my man. But thanks, older-and-wiser-version-of-cupid.”

Pretending not to have seen Logan, you continue with your work. He remains silent for some minutes before finally saying: “Hi.”

Hi? It sounds so out of character for him.

“Hey, claws,” you force a smile, still avoiding to meet his gaze. “Do you need anything?”

Logan points to his empty glass, like a toddler asking for more cereal. “I also wanted to talk to you.”

“I thought you were busy over there,” you say, surprisingly managing to sound nonchalant, despite the jealousy bubbling underneath your friendly tone. “Did you get her number?”

“What? No.”

“Why not? She’s cute.”

Yeah, maybe you don’t sound as collected as you think.

Whether Logan notices it or not, he chooses not to mention it. He folds his arms over his chest, fixing his brown eyes on you. “I’m not interested.”

“And what is it that interests you, champ?” your question elicits a low chuckle from him. Just as he opens his mouth to seemingly reply, Gwen appears out of nowhere to ask you about the price of a certain drink. Your gaze shifts between her and Logan, who remains focused on you while sipping his drink.

After that, Gwen leaves. The man in front of you goes poker-faced, pursing his lips, and his abrupt change in demeanor alarms you. “Wade wants to have dinner tomorrow at his apartment– well, our apartment. I live with him now. It’s complicated,” he adds with a dismissive wave of his hand, and you laugh. “Anyway, he asked me to tell you that you’re invited. I know we don’t know each other that much, but… he said you seem like someone worth havin’ around,” he mumbles awkwardly, eyes downcast. “I think the same as well.”

You could die at peace.

“You’re a lucky fucker because I don’t work on Sundays,” you quip, smiling. “I’d be more than happy to attend your feast.”

“Great. I thought you would turn down the invitation.”

“Now why would you think that?”

“‘Cause you barely know me– us,” he corrects himself rapidly. “Plus, Wade’s annoying as hell when he puts his mind to it. You’ll see.”

“Marital problems?” he actually in response. “I’ll take that as a ‘yes’. Oh, I’ll bring the dessert.”

“You don’t have to.”

“But I do want to,” you tilt your head in an effort to hide your longing for him.

“Just want to get under my skin, huh? I can see why Wade likes you,” Logan beams, reaching out to tuck a $100 bill into the pocket of your apron. “The tip’s included.”

“I don’t know how things work in your universe, but you’re giving me way more money than you’re supposed to. I can't accept this.”

“Oh, but you will,” his gravelly voice fucks your system up, and you’re glad he can’t see how you squeeze your legs together behind the bar.

He writes down Wade’s address on a random napkin, holding his breath as he stands up. “I should get goin’. See you tomorrow then.”

Before he walks out the door, you stop him. “Logan? You didn’t answer my other question.”

His back shakes momentarily with laughter. Turning around to face you, his stare leaves you even more confused. “Good night, doll.”

This is becoming a habit: every time he goes away, you feel as though you’ve just run a marathon with no water available. Your mouth is completely dry, your fingers are numb and there’s a knot in your stomach that’s becoming all too familiar.

“Would you mind telling me where you got him?” Gwen’s voice makes you almost jump out of your skin.

“He’s not from around here. I think he’s Canadian.”

You’ve got this. You’ve got this. You’ve got this.

Knocking softly on Wade’s door, you step back, the container holding the tiramisu cold to your touch. It’s your first time trying out this recipe, so you’re expecting it to at least not taste like shit.

Wade answers the apartment door, acting surprised when you remain silent. “Well, look what the wind blew in: if it isn’t my husband’s lover. How dare you? We’re still going to couples therapy.”

You show him the container, and he squints at it. “Tiramisu. You want it or not?”

“I hate twenty-somethings,” he says with a defeated sigh, stepping aside to let you into the apartment. 

Leaving your purse on the nearest surface, you scan the living room, wondering where Logan might be. There’s a small mirror beneath the couch, and you check yourself for the hundredth time tonight. “Don’t get too excited. He’s still showering,” Wade’s voice rings in your ears, and you turn to look at him, your eyebrows knitted. “Yeah. I noticed. You’re already drooling over that big piece of metal between his legs.”

“Keep quiet!” you cover his mouth with your palm, noticing the scarred state of his skin up close. “Wade, you fucking dog. Are you licking my hand?”

“Couldn’t help it. You taste like mascarpone cheese and espresso.”

Then Logan emerges from the bathroom, with only a white towel draped around his waist. Droplets of water fall from his wet hair, tracing the muscle of his abs, ending somewhere beneath his happy trail. Your eyes keep flickering between him and his torso until he clears his throat. “I thought you were comin’ later.”

“Me too, but I…,” you trail off, your brain struggling to catch up, “I didn’t know what else to do at my place.”

“It’s fine. Just– let me put on some clothes.”

“Please don’t,” Wade murmurs next to you, but Logan only scoffs. “I was just being honest. Communication is key.”

When Wade and you are alone again, he lets out a harsh breath. “That was probably the hottest thing I’ve ever seen. My pants are really tight right now.”

“Thin walls, buddy!” Logan shouts from his bedroom, earning a laugh from you. 

Like A Prayer starts playing. Wade moves his hips to the beat, getting lost in the melody. “Is that your phone?”

“Yeah, but I always take a few seconds to dance to it. Such a banger!” he says, then picks up his phone, accepting the call. “Hey, Ness! What´s up?” Wade covers the speaker before telling you: “It’s Vanessa. My ex-girlfriend. We fuck once a week, sometimes even twice.”

From behind, Logan nudges your arm with his, looking at you. ”Hey, kid.”

“No, I’m not busy at all,” Wade exclaims, grabbing his crotch and thrusting into the air. “I’ll be there in ten, cupcake. See you,” he spreads his arms wide and whistles. “Someone’s getting laid tonight!”

“You made me come all the way here… and now you’re leaving?”

“What? My friend Wolverine wanted to invite you over. I just had to provide the apartment,” in one quick movement, he presses a kiss to your cheek, then does the same to Logan. “Shave yourself, will you?”

“Go fuck yourself, will you?”

“Love you too, honey. Hope you two lovebirds have a good night, because I know I will!”

Wade throws a wink over his shoulder before heading out, the apartment going dead silent. Logan and you stand frozen, staring at each other, although he quickly drops his gaze, unable to maintain eye contact. A giggle threatens to escape you: he wanted to see you. Could he possibly enjoy your company as much as you enjoy his?

Logan watches the spot where Wave had just been. The absence of his chaotic energy makes the room feel strangely empty now. He coughs lightly, the sound awkwardly loud in the quiet room.

“So... I, uh, bought pizza,” he says, his voice a little too casual, as if trying to cover up his nervousness. Averting his eyes, he focuses on the pizza boxes on the table.

You catch the hesitation in his tone, your curiosity piqued by his discomfort. Tilting your head, a teasing smile forms on your lips. “Pizza, huh? You sure know how to impress a girl.”

Logan chuckles, the sound strained, as he scratches the back of his neck. “Yeah, well, I figured it was a safe choice. Didn’t want to ruin it, y’know?”

You move closer to the table, the warmth from the pizza boxes radiating against your hands as you open one of them. The rich smell of melted cheese and pepperoni fills the air, a comforting scent that makes your stomach growl softly. “Thank you. I’m a big fan of pizza.”

He sits in the chair across from you, taking a bite of his slice. You watch him quietly, your own thoughts churning. The truth of his origins had been a shock at first, but now, it just made you want to know more about the man. What was his life like in the other universe? Did he miss it? Was he happier here, or was he longing to return?

“Logan…,” you begin, your tone gentle but probing, “Can I ask you something?”

He glances up at you, eyes widening. There’s something in your eyes –an understanding, maybe– that makes him feel like you could see right through him. 

“Sure,” he replies, trying to sound more at ease than he really feels. “Ask away.”

You hesitate for a moment, not wanting to push too hard. “I was wondering... would it be okay if I asked you some questions? About, you know, your life. Where you're from.”

The bite of pizza suddenly feels heavy in his mouth. He hadn’t talked much about his world, not even with Wade. Partly because it was too painful, and partly because he wasn’t sure how to explain how things turned out for him. He nods slowly, setting his slice down. “Yeah, it's okay. I’ll answer what I can.”

“I just... I want to understand you better.”

“Well, first and foremost, I’m no hero. You should know that by now.”

“I beg to differ.”

“Kid, I’m the worst Logan. A complete failure. Of all the variants out there, Wade just had to pick the one despised by every living soul on his earth,” Logan looks away, his voice low and heavy. You’re wondering if doing this was a good idea. “I need a drink.”

He gets up and you follow him into the kitchen. He rummages through the fridge, in search of a cold beer. Meanwhile, you attempt to find the right words. “I don’t think–”

With a sharp flick of his wrist, three metal claws sprout from between his knuckles. A gasp catches in your throat as he uses his claws to pierce the beer can, drinking from the punctured holes. Once he’s done, he goes back to staring at you. Your gaze, on the other hand, is still glued to the now-empty beer can. “What?” he asks, exhaling slowly.

“That was completely unnecessary,” you mutter, and he lets out a bitter chuckle, tossing the can into the trash. “But, back to what you said before– I don’t think you’re the worst Logan.”

“You didn’t know me back then, darlin’. I fucked it up,” he leans against the counter, arms crossed defensively over his chest. “Like the Logan from this universe, I once belonged to the X-Men too. I remember that Scott used to beg me to wear my suit. So did Jean, Storm, Beast– All of them,” his gaze grows more distant, and you can tell that memories are flooding his mind. “Wanted me to be part of the team, but I wouldn’t do it. Told them they looked fucking ridiculous.”

The pizza’s long forgotten. You take the risk and get a bit closer to him, your eyes never leaving his. 

Logan’s silence stretches for a moment before he speaks again. “One day, while I was off on my own, the humans came. They went mutant hunting.”

Your heart clenches at the pain in his voice. He still remembers everything as if it had happened yesterday. “I can guess the rest. You don’t have to–”

But he cuts you off. “No, let me say it. I need to say it,” he takes a deep breath, lowering his head. “By the time I stumbled home, shit-faced from the bar, it was too late. They were dead. They called after me and I walked away.”

Reaching out, your hand gently brushes against his. He doesn’t pull away, but instead searches for your eyes. “My suit's all I've got to remind me of who they were. What I did. I found them and they were… dead. I started killing, and I couldn’t stop. I didn’t want to stop. I turned the whole world against the X-Men.”

You tighten your grip on his hand, knowing there’s nothing you can do to change how he feels. “You’re not a bad person, Logan,” he shakes his head, mumbling something you can’t quite catch. “I mean it. What happened back then doesn’t define you. You took the blame for their deaths upon yourself. I can tell you loved them deeply, and I’ll never fully understand the pain you feel. I wish I could. I wish I could take it away, make you forget somehow, but I can’t. That’s not how life works. But you got your second chance: you saved this world. My world,” gently cupping his face in your hands, you allow your fingers to caress his cheeks. He leans into your touch, watching you with half-lidded eyes. “You’re my hero. I’m your biggest fan– after Wade, obviously, which is a lot to say.”

He grins, letting out a laugh. “Easy there, bub.”

“Should I give you some space?”

That’s the last thing he wants from you right now. You already know that as he looks you up and down, placing his hands on the small of your back, his thumbs drawing small circles on your skin. There’s no turning back– The warmth between you feels almost like a fever dream. “For a long time, all I wanted was to disappear. I couldn’t stand waking up every morning, knowing that another day awaited me.”

“And what happened?” your breath mingles with his, his closeness becoming nearly intoxicating. “What changed?”

“I met a pretty girl at a pub, that’s what happened,” he murmurs, his dilated pupils flicking up to meet your gaze. “I’m gonna kiss you now.”

“Do all your kisses come with a warning?”

“God, do you ever shut up?”

You don’t have time to respond because he kisses you there and then. His stubble scrapes your skin as your mouths meet again and again, needy hands that hold you as if you were prone to breaking. Logan licks into your mouth, sliding his tongue against yours and swallowing every one of your whimpers.

“So this is what it takes to shut you up, huh?” he murmurs against your lips. You can feel him smiling, and it makes your heart skip a beat. 

“Keep talking and you won’t get a single bite of my tiramisu,” you tease him, kissing him again, the taste of beer numbing your senses. “I really like kissing you.”

“The feeling’s mutual, but now that you’ve mentioned that tiramisu…”

“Am I that easily replaced?”

“No. You’re just a pain in the ass.”

Jokes aside, you’re as happy as a clam.

Since that night you and Logan kissed, you’ve been living your best life. Like a freaking schoolgirl with a crush. Some things never seem to change.

He hasn’t been to the bar in three days. Yes, you’re counting them. No, you haven’t lost your mind. You want to see him, but there’s something about making the first move that gives you the chills. What would his reaction be if you showed outside of apartment?

It’s been a long time since you’ve been with anybody. On top of that, all the guys you’ve dated were your age. Being with someone that older than you certainly wasn’t no your plans. You’d be lying if you said that the mere idea of being with him in that way didn’t excite you.

Oh boy, you miss him. You miss his scruffy voice, his gorgeous hair. And you two aren’t even official yet. To be honest, you don’t even know what he wants from you. Is he even the type to be in a relationship?

“Nighty night, gentlemen,” you say to Gary and his friends as you find yourself in front of them, smoothing your apron. Gwen had called in sick tonight, so it’s just you at the bar babysitting a bunch of grown-men.

“What’s up, doll? You’ve forgotten about us. We miss you coming in here to chat,” Gary’s eating his burger at the same time he speaks, something you find repulsive, but you’ve seen worse. “Y’know, I’d love to take you out someday. I have a place you’d like.”

The other men laugh and punch him in the back, just boosting his ego. Pathetic. 

“I’ll let you know when I’m free,” you reply with the most polite smile you can offer, intending to go on. “What are you having tonight?”

“You always pull that shit, baby. I don’t think you’re so busy that you can’t accept a date.”

You hate the way he’s looking at you, as if you were wrong for not being interested. As if you didn’t know any better.

“You’re reading minds now? Shocking, Gary.”

“Oh, doll. That attitude of yours shows you’ve never been with a real man like me, that’s all,” he leans back in his chair, resting one of his arms on the table and the other one near his crotch, manspreading. “It’s alright. I like you bratty.”

“I’ll be back when you finally have something to order,” you attempt to turn around but he grabs your wrist, pulling you closer. Your eyes lock, and he seems to enjoy this: being in control. Like a predator hunting his prey. “Come on, Gary. I don’t want to have to kick you out.”

���It’s not that you don't like me, right? You’ve already got your mouth full.”

“Careful.”

“What? Don’t tell me you’re not fucking that useless mutant. I see you like ‘em older. Pretty little things like you drive me wild.”

You laugh in his face, showing him your teeth. “It was never about your age, Gary. You’re right: I do like them older. I’m just not into bald, vertically-challenged pricks.”

His entourage of idiots goes silent after that. He looks up at you, eyes burning with hatred. His grip on your wrist tightens, probably leaving a mark. “Fucking bitch.”

“Get your hands off her.”

Logan’s voice forces the two of you to look in his direction. It seems that he’s just arrived at the pub, his jacket still on. 

“You joining us? We’re just getting started here, big boy.”

“Did you not hear me?” Logan lunges forward, his nose almost touching Gary’s. “The fuck is wrong with you?”

“Easy there, cowboy. I’m just having a chat with your girl. She’s one of the good ones, I’ll give you that,” arching a sly brow, his forehead puckers. “You don’t like sharing? We can even take turns.”

Logan clenches his jaw, lips set in a grim line. “Say one more word, and I’ll fucking kill you.”

“I’ll give you a full sentence instead: can you even get it up?” 

The tension in the air is thick, every second stretching out as Logan's anger simmers dangerously close to the surface. Gary’s smug grin only makes it worse, pushing him to the edge. Before you can react, Logan’s fist swings forward, connecting with Gary’s jaw with a sickening crack. Gary staggers back, realising your wrist. Blood seeps from his nose, his white shirt becoming stained with it. “You fucker! You broke my nose!”

“We’re just getting started here, big boy,” Logan mocks him, repeating his previous words.

“Stop!” you shout, moving quickly to grab his arm, trying to pull him back. But he’s beyond hearing, his rage blinding him to everything else. He shakes you off, and with a fierce growl, drives another punch into Gary’s stomach. The latter doubles over, gasping for air, the wind knocked out of him. He then falls to the floor, curling into a ball. People start to gather around you, and soon your beloved bar becomes a box ring.

“That’s enough, Logan! He’s barely conscious,” you murmur under your breath, stepping between them, hands up in a desperate attempt to create some space. Logan pauses, chest heaving, fists still clenched, as he finally looks at you. The wildness in his eyes starts to fade, replaced by a dawning realization of what he’s done.

“He deserved it,” he nods vigorously to himself, as if trying to explain his point. “He was hurting you.”

“If you keep that up, you’re going to kill him. My bar is not a fucking cemetery,” your voice trembles a little bit, expecting to talk some sense into him. “I won’t let you do this.”

The room is quiet now, the only sound being Logan’s heavy breathing as he stands there, still tense, still processing. You turn to Gary’s friends, cold fury in your eyes. “Get him out of here,” you watch as they haul him up, practically dragging him to the door. The other clients continue to stare at Logan, their mouths hanging open. “Everybody out, right now! Go home. We’re closing earlier tonight.”

Adam is the last person to leave, slamming the door behind him. You rush to the counter, searching for a mop to clean the fresh blood off the floor. Still agitated, the images of Logan hitting Gary flash in your mind. He approaches you from behind, his fingers circling your forearm. “Bub–”

“Don’t. Now is not the time.”

“I was protecting you.”

“I told you to stop, and you didn’t. You just shook me off,” you snap, glancing at his knuckles which are not even bruised. Slamming your eyes shut, you get to your feet and wash your hands in the sink, the remaining water becoming reddish for a moment.

Logan moves closer, resting his chin on your shoulder. He wraps his arms lazily around your middle section. ”I’m sorry.”

You turn in his arms, your back flushed against the sink and your nose in the air. “Why didn’t you call me?”

“I don’t have a phone.”

“But– Jesus, Logan. You could’ve come sooner. I thought you regretted what happened the other day,” you say and the muscles in his face twitch, his body stiffening at your words. “Thought you no longer wanted me.”

“No, bub. I– I still want you. I want all of you, trust me,” he murmurs, and you allow him to press his body against yours, the scent of the cigar he must have smoked recently enveloping your senses. “I just… don’t know how to do this. I have a habit of ruining things, and I’m trying to figure out the best way to be with you without hurting you.”

“Pushing me away also hurts,” your eyes flick up to meet his gaze again, and he whispers under his breath. “I can’t read your mind. You need to tell me what’s going on in that ancient skull of yours.”

His face falters, flashing you a mischievous look. His hand creeps under the fabric of your shirt, fingernails scrapping against your spine. “I’m sorry, princess. I truly am.”

“You can’t just say ‘sorry’ with that voice and expect me to–”

You’re cut off by his lips crashing down onto yours. You melt into the kiss, unable to deny what your body has been craving for the past days. 

“I thought your kisses came with a warning,” you say, detaching your mouth from his, a smile spreading uncontrollably in your face as you see his toothy grin.

“Shut up and kiss me, will you?”

In a clash of tongues and teeth, your mouths meet once again. Tugging the hair at his nape, you feel him growl against your lips. His strong hands trace every curve of your body, kneading the flesh of your hips and undoing the knot at the back of your apron. You’re becoming one with the sink, but in a moment like this, you couldn’t care less. Logan’s hard on nudges your lower stomach, and he ruts against you like an animal.

“You said you wanted to know what’s on my mind, right?” his teeth nibble on the skin of your neck, syrupy voice going straight to your core. “Well, I’d love nothing more than to touch you right now.”

“Right here? On the counter?”

“Yeah, on the fucking counter,” he grabs you by your thighs, hosting you up and placing your body on top of the cold bar. He nudges your knees apart, his bulge meeting your clothed cunt deliciously. “Will you let me, baby? Can I make you come in here?”

“Please. I’m glad we have such a low budget. Camera installment is t–too expensive these days.”

“Do you always talk this much?” he slowly unbuttons your pants, and you help him to remove them.

“Yes. Next question,” your breath hitches in your throat as you feel the pad of his thumb circling your clit through your panties. Your eyelids drop, your head lolling back. “Fuck, that feels good.”

Logan hums, mesmerized with the way your hips roll into his hand, your whimpers sounding like music to his ears. “You have any idea how I felt when I saw him touching you? Wanted to rip his hands off you,” his eyes drift to your chest, how it rises and falls with impatience. “But it’s me who gets to have you like this. He can fantasize about you all he wants: I’m the only one who touches you, ain’t I right?” you sigh with content as his fingers graze your slit, aimlessly bucking your hips. He doesn’t go any further, and you tug at the collar of his flannel, needing more of his callousand hands on you. “Nuh-uh. You want something, you gotta use your words. Got it?”

“I w–want your fingers inside me,” you don’t even recognize your own voice at this point. The few guys you had slept with had never been very talkative during sex. But Logan isn’t like them. This is just the beginning and you’re already starting to realize that he has a dirty mouth, that expectant look on his face as he waits to see your reaction to his words. “Please, Logan. I want you so bad.”

“Oh, I know, bub. There’s something about me I don’t think you know,” he inserts one of his fingers in your cunt, your slick coating the palm of his hand. “These claws I have… they didn’t come on their own. Let’s just say my sense of smell is… pretty good,” Logan can almost see the gears turning in your head as you try to think coherently. He moves his middle finger in and out of you, stretching your walls. “And you… have been wet ever since the first time you saw me. Always nice to everybody, making sure they feel at ease,” you feel like you’re being stretched even further, another one of his fingers sinking into your warm pussy. “But you’re so needy, too. How long has it been since someone touched you like this?”

“Too long, f–fuck. Too long,” you’re squirming, a totally whiny mess. He retratcs his wet fingers and instead goes back to flicking your clit, this time with much less delicacy. His left hand squeezes your tits, and you hate the fact that you’re still wearing clothes. “Shit, Logan. I need you to fuck me. Please. Need your cock.”

His face comes to rest at your neck, and you feel lingering kisses and bites that keep you grounded to earth. “Not here. I need a bed to fuck you properly. You’re only getting my fingers now,” he positions them inches away from your entrance, testing your patience. “Tell me who owns this pussy.”

“L-logan–”

“Tell me and I’ll make you come,” his husky voice is making you dizzy, tears shimmering in your eyes. “Come on. Know you want it as much as I do.”

You succumb to the tentation, like divinity turned to sin. He kisses you roughly, and you struggle to find the correct words. “It’s you, Logan. You own my pussy. It’s f-fucking yours.”

With that, he goes back to nudging that spot that makes you see starts, that filthy squelching sound getting mixed up with your moans. The knot in your belly keeps growing tighter the more he pumps his fingers in and out of you. 

“I said you were only getting my fingers for now, but fuck… I need to gest a taste of this sweet cunt.”

He’s on his knees in an instant, urging your legs apart to make room for his body. Your thighs tighten around his face as he licks a hot stripe up your folds, tracing a heated path on your cunt, not wishing to waste a single second. Pleasure builds quickly, your breath hitching as your hands find their way into his hair, pulling him closer when your body begins to tremble. 

“I’m close,” you pant, breathing hard, grinding your hips against his face. “I’m so close.”

“That’s it. Come in my mouth like the good girl you are.”

Who had given him a damn script for this?

The release is explosive. Like the peak of a roller coaster: you go up up up, ascending higher. You think you almost see Jesus, but at some point, you also have to crash down with force. Your shoulders slump, your entire body cramping up; yet he doesn’t let you go that easily, his fingers still working, scissoring within you while you ride out the final waves of your high, drawing out every last moment of ecstasy.

Once you finally manage to open your eyes, there he is, staring down at you. He taps your lower lip with his fingers, and then mutters: “Open.”

And you do, because you’re just as messed up as he is. Your mouth parts, and he slides his fingers between your lips, dragging them smoothly across your tongue. His knuckles brush the back of your throat, and you gag around the intrusion, tasting yourself. He pulls his fingers out of your mouth, clearly satisfied with the way you’ve cleaned them off.

“I think we should really pay a visit to your apartment,” he suggests, groaning in defeat, and you feel his bulge poking your hip. He must be painfully hard. “I meant what I said earlier. I need a bed if we’re going to fuck. My back’s hurting.”

You raise an eyebrow, the corner of your mouth curving into a smirk. “Why not go to yours?”

“Wade’s in there. I wouldn’t be able to concentrate.”

You can’t help but laugh, pausing a moment to collect your thoughts, heat rising to your cheeks. “So we’re going rodeo?”

Aiming to silence up, Logan kisses you, pinching your chin between his thumb and forefinger. “Only if you can handle it.”

part 2: “GIVE ME THE FIRST TASTE”

dividers by: @/cafekitsune thank you!!! :)

[caxycreations]

Okay, I've been nerd sniped, I'm sorry

NOTE: If you're going to reblog just to say "not reading that" or some other rude shit, DON'T. I've seen so many notifications of people just saying they couldn't be bothered to read it. I don't know if it's just that they don't see how incredibly rude and disheartening that is or if they know and don't care, but either way it really hurts to see, so please don't reblog if it's just to tell me you won't read it.

So let's go through the canonical likelihood they could each beat Goku. For the sake of keeping canon, we'll keep groups/pairs together if they would never reasonably be apart for something like this. Long post below the cut.

So first up are the ones I see that would, without a doubt, beat Goku.

Saiki K

Saiki is an omnipotent psychic/psionic with quite literally every single possible power out there. Now, this on its own isn't enough to beat Goku. Versatility doesn't mean everything, but Saiki is also powerful enough to rewrite the genetics and reality of everything within range, and his range is, so far, "Earth".

So this, on its own, would allow him to rewrite Goku's biology to make him Human. Bye bye zenkai boosts, bye bye Saiyan transformations. And Saiki, with his powers, has no trouble beating a Human of any caliber if he truly wanted to. And for those who ask "Why would he ever fight Goku?"

One simple reason: Goku would sense his immense power, and be excited for a fight. Goku is respectful enough to not force one if he's refused, but he's persistent enough to badger Saiki until he's given a chance. And Saiki, being Saiki, would simply take off one of his limiters, or both, and rewrite reality as such: "Being an alien isn't possible", thereby making it effective immediately that Goku must be lying/insane, and he is, in fact, Human. Easy win for Saiki.

And for those who would argue against this, bear in mind, the funniest way to beat Goku in this instance would be to simply make him weaker than Saiki, and Saiki is a gag character from a gag series, and it's already been shown in the world of Dragon Ball, and again in Dragon Ball Super, that Goku is incapable of defeating a gag character regardless of that characters canonical ability.

Saiki could win without gag character status, but even in the instance of Goku "beating" him, the gag would turn out to be that Saiki only pretended to get beaten, and is actually entirely unharmed because it was the easiest way to get Goku to leave him alone. Followed by a reveal that Goku will still show up now and then to ask for sparring matches, to drive the point home.

Popeye

Gag character. Would get beaten handily, crawl his way to spinach, and then be exactly as strong as he needs to be to take Goku down in however many hits is funniest.

Bugs Bunny

The gag character to end all gag characters. Someone on this hellsite once described Bugs as a "Trickster God who traps us in our own societal expectations" or some such. Like convincing Thanos to remove the Infinity Gauntlet by establishing a security checkpoint with a metal detector and shaming him into cooperating by telling him there's others waiting.

He could beat Goku in a billion ways, and each and every one of them would involve some shenanigan like Goku throwing a spirit bomb, Bugs showing up behind him holding it, saying "Ehhh, can you hold this for a second?" and as soon as Goku takes it and Bugs is off-screen, it would explode and Goku would be a pile of ashes with blinking eyes. Bugs would win because Bugs' gag is that...well, he simply can't be beaten.

The Warner Trio

Gag trio. Yakko, Wakko, and Dot would snark, sass, and sarcastic-joke their way into the scene, and they would spend the entire time poking fun at him, roasting his look, being unfazed by his attacks because "Nice laser show but we didn't bring our glowsticks." and just being too unbothered to care.

They would undoubtedly annoy Goku into admitting defeat simply to get away from them.

Road Runner

Gag character. Would force Goku to chase him, Goku would fire some blasts, chase him around, and inevitably be led right into the path of a blast he fired earlier to be disintegrated by it.

Pop Team Epic

I know nothing about this series except that it is a gag series. They are gag characters. That means Goku is inherently incapable of beating them.

ASDF Guy

Gag character. Could beat Goku with a simple "Hello, Mine-Turtle!" or "I like Trains."

Heart Diagram

Goku was literally killed by a heart virus in Future Trunks' timeline. This is one that has actually canonically already killed Goku.

Chowder

Gag character. Would likely be after S-Cells for some recipe and need to take Goku's as he's "The only Saiyan in this episode!" or some such, thereby ending the fight with a shot of Chowder wearing Goku's Gi for comedic effect while Dahl stirs raw Super Saiyan aura in a pot to hint that Chowder killed Goku for his S-Cells.

Force Ghost Trio

Gag versions of serious characters, and also ghosts. Goku is canonically unable to beat ghosts or gag characters, and these guys are both.

Those are the ones that would, without a doubt, beat Goku.

Now, let's go over the ones that could, potentially, be it likely or unlikely.

Kirby

Kirby is often considered a gag character, but he isn't. He has a very specific level of power, even if that level of power is "fuck you" levels of power. Kirby has beaten Gods, but so has Goku, even more often and with greater ease. However, Kirby has absorption and power-theft. Kirby could, potentially, absorb Goku (he isn't the brightest and Kirby has his unassuming appearance on his side) and take on his strongest form, including its powerup, and given Kirby in base form is likely more powerful than Goku in base form (Goku needed SSJ to scare Supreme Kai, Kirby beats Gods in base), it's possible Kirby would be more powerful than Goku with the same power up.

Kevin McCallister

Okay, hear me out.

Kevin is technically a gag character, BUT. He is not TRULY a gag character. He just happens to be a comedy character.

So he isn't guaranteed to win, but he could still possibly do so. How you ask?

Goku has been somewhat injured or lightly shaken by the following: planet-shattering attacks. Punches that rock the universe. Energy blasts so potent they would destroy entire galaxies.

Goku has been rendered inconsolable from the pain of the following: chest pain and a half-heartedly, boredly tossed pebble.

It is canon that when Goku and the other fighters in the series are expecting an attack or primed for battle, they are protected by their ki, like armor. It's how they're able to knock away attacks that would destroy planets, or put their "bare" hands on plasma energy that would normally burn the skin off you from a mile away let alone touching it.

This is why when Krillin threw the rock at Goku, it left him in agony and bruised him despite Goku being in Super Saiyan form at the time. This is why Chi-Chi is able to injure Goku regardless of how strong he gets.

So, how does this relate to Kevin being able to beat him? It's everything. It's critical information.

Kevin McCallister's entire M.O. is unexpected attacks. You open a door, you see a bucket fall, think it's over, turns out no, second bucket pulled by the first, second bucket is full of paint and open, you're blinded, you get your bearings, you take a step and feel cars, you smirk and step over them only to find marbles, you slip, you land on the cars which turn out to have been rigged to break easier to let loose a single thumbtack which is now firmly stuck in your back or butt. You bolt upright only to slam your head on a 2x4 that was rigged to hang down from a rope when you fell because your impact shook things enough to make it fall from a precarious perch above.

You get the idea. Every time you think it's safe to let your guard down, that's when the next wave hits. So you say "well he would stop letting his guard down" right? You fool. You know nothing of Goku. He would never put his guard UP. This is a human child, Goku can sense his pitiful power level. His strength? His speed? His ki? Weak. Pathetic. Nothing. A scouter wouldn't even register his power it's so low.

Goku never raises his guard to Chi-Chi, or to Bulma, or to Hercule. He does not raise his defense against normal, powerless, non-combative humans.

"BUT KEVIN IS COMBATIVE" No. He isn't. Goku can sense intent, power, and location. But Kevin isn't actively intending to hurt Goku. He's intending to protect himself and his home. He's not actively wanting to hurt Goku, he's just wanting Goku to leave. He doesn't have power to threaten Goku with, so Goku won't pick up on any threatening aura. And while Goku could simply instant transmission to Kevin and do what he will, we're not talking about how Goku could win, we're going over the fact Kevin could POSSIBLY win.

Enough injury and Goku is down for the count. Otherwise, Goku leaves to avoid further injury, and thereby admits defeat. Both cases, Kevin wins.

Shedinja

This one took me...quite a while. I had to do a lot of extra research for this. So, my immediate thought was Shedinja is a Ghost type, so ghost rules, right? Nah. Bug and Ghost type, and they are the physical shell left behind that has been reanimated. So they very much are physical beings, and given their ability to faint in the games and show they are capable of being physically damaged.

But There's a real case to be made for Shedinja beating Goku.

It can learn Ghost type moves, which operate on ghost-logic, and therefore are a canon weakness Goku is known to have. So things like Shadow Ball, Hex, Curse, and the like would all effect Goku regardless of Ki or form.

It also has access to Wonder Guard, which renders it "immune to all damage types that are not Super-Effective". For those unaware, we can actually attribute Typings to Goku's moves based on attributes and traits they share with Pokemon moves. His melee is, by nature, Fighting type, which Shedinja is immune to. In fact, Shedinja is immune to ALL attack types except Flying, Rock, Ghost, Dark, and Fire type moves, which are all Super Effective.

Goku's most common methods would actually fall under Fighting and Normal type attacks. "But his Ki blasts-" would be Normal type moves. You want proof?

Focus Energy is Normal Type. Quick Attack is Normal Type. Self Destruct is Normal Type. Techno Blast is Normal Type. Tera Blast is Normal Type. These are all energy based moves similar to ki blasts. Know what other energy based move is Normal Type? Hyperbeam. Which is almost identical to the Kamehameha and every other beam attack in DBZ.

Those few attacks Goku has that aren't going to be Normal Type will be Fighting Type.

Shedinja is Immune to all Normal and Fighting Type moves. Goku literally can not damage Shedinja, but Shedinja can damage Goku through Ghost Type moves. Shedinja can beat Goku. But why is it not "absolutely will" beat him? Because Goku can also transform his Ki and if he finds out Shedinja is vulnerable to fire, he can and will use that to his advantage.

That's who could potentially beat Goku. Here's who absolutely could not.

Saitama

I forgot to go over Saitama originally so here's the edit that features that analysis. Bear in mind I am saying this as someone who has seen Seasons 1 and 2 of the show AND is aware of some of the events of the manga.

A lot of reblogs over Saitama claim he is a gag character. But there is a case to be made that he is NOT. What is that case you ask? Well, for the sake of fairness, here is how I am handling gag characters: if their gag is in effect in 100% of all cases (such as looney tunes like Bugs or Road Runner) or if the gag is triggered in 100% of all cases (such as Saiki K or Chowder) then they are a True Gag Character and will insta-win.

However, if their gag has failed (such as Wario, or, yes, even Saitama) in ANY case, then it CAN fail again, and the fairest fight is one against two non-gag characters, so we can safely apply non-gag Saitama here since his gag has failed and Goku meets the conditions to cause it to fail again, which I'll explain.

So, first off, how does his gag fail? Well, his gag is that he kills everything instantly in one hit, unless he actively chooses not to. So we can safely say his gag fails if any of the following are true: he fails to instantly kill an enemy with a single hit while intending to do so, OR if he fails to kill an enemy with a serious hit intended to kill.

He meets both of these conditions. Boros survived for several seconds AFTER Saitama hit him with a Serious Punch. It was a single hit that intended to kill...But he didn't kill Boros INSTANTLY with it. Another example of his gag failing, if that doesn't satisfy, is Garou. Garou, in the manga, has survived MULTIPLE Serious Punches with intent to kill. This, on its own, is proof Saitama's Serious Punch does in fact have a limit to its output. It also proves his gag can, and does, fail against certain opponents.

So the next thing we need to look at is similarities between Garou and Boros to identify what they share that could possibly allow them to get around Saitama's gag, or to nullify it entirely. First similarity is that both are determined to have a good, satisfying fight. Boros crossed the stars seeking one, and Garou sought to become a true Monster powerful enough to force every hero, every do-gooder, to unite under one banner just to take him down. They both seek a battle to end all battles, even if Garou's intention is to end it in his favor, not simply enjoy the fight.

The second similarity is that they have incredibly unique circumstances, even by OPM standards. Garou is a man who has always felt love for the bad guy, he looks to the monsters as inspirations, as the misunderstood and the victimized by those claiming to be heroes. He's trained by an S-Class hero, and has developed into a being of unimaginable power in the pursuit of his dream. Very much a true foil to Saitama, who looked to heroes in comics as inspirations, as the righteous and unshakably moral, self-taught through and through and developed into a being of unimaginable power in the pursuit of HIS dream. Garou is, in this way, a reflection of Saitama, the Tails to Saitama's Heads, the dark to his light.

Boros on the other hand is an alien, forced to become strong by his homeworld's unforgiving conditions, developing a level of power necessary to survive and then some, and on realizing he was far too powerful for his own good, he sought purpose, meaning, and when he heard he may find a worthy opponent, he did everything he could to achieve that future, to realize his dream of facing a foe that would give him a true challenge.

So what are the similarities we can identify? Notably unique circumstances even by OPM standards, sharing strong similarities to Saitama's desires or dreams (Garou dreaming of becoming the greatest Monster vs Saitama dreaming of becoming the greatest Hero, Boros feeling lost in life and seeking a worthy foe vs Saitama feeling bored with living and wishing for the sensation of a real fight again), and the desire for a serious and ultimate battle.

Goku fits ALL of these conditions. He is an alien sent to Earth for his protection, grew up in hostile conditions (surviving on his own for most of his childhood, constant battles with Nation-level threats throughout his teen years, constant battles with world or universe-level threats throughout his adulthood), trained extensively until he was the best of the best, has the ultimate dream of a truly satisfying battle (a dream he routinely seeks out by facing down powerful foes), and being entirely bored with mundane life because there's absolutely no challenge to it, not to mention the fact he has the ultimate dream of becoming the strongest, something he shares with Saitama's pre-OPM self.

Since Goku fits ALL the conditions needed to make this battle exempt from the gag, we will NOT be considering it, as Saitama is not a True Gag Character, and Goku fitting conditions for nullifying it means we can assume actual power limits and such.

So let's look at feats of power. Saitama's Serious Side Hop technique allowed him to create AT LEAST 60 after-images (based on the manga panel) which, when compared with Sonic's 4, means Saitama was moving 15x faster than Sonic in that moment (bare minimum). An afterimage like that is created by moving at least 572mph, stopping in each position for at least 1/255th of a second (any less and the human eye can't pick up on it), so by moving from position A to B for 1/255th of a second and back to A, going 572mph between the two, you create the afterimage.

Sonic creates 4 simultaneously, meaning he needs to move to 3 positions and then back to starting position, or go from A to B, B to A, A to C, C to A, A to D, and repeat.

This means Sonic, to move into each of these positions in less than 1/255th of a second, would need to be moving ~4x faster than the speed for one afterimage. That puts him as moving at 2,228mph while creating those 4 afterimages. Given he is capable of Mach 5 speeds (he's said to be hypersonic) this feat is easy for him, as Mach 5 is 3,805mph. I assume, just as it's easier to move at top speed in a straight line than at sharp turns for a normal person, it's likely more difficult to create such consistent afterimages and so the difficulty that makes it his best attack is from the technique and reaction involved, not the speed itself.

In any case, if Saitama made at least 60 afterimages, putting him at 15x faster than Sonic's speed while creating 4, that puts Saitama's speed at 33,420mph just to account for the 60 we can count in the manga panel. This means 33,420 is the MINIMUM speed we can assume for Saitama's max ability. To be generous, given he wasn't winded after doing that and given he was able to react incredibly easily to the near-instant directional changes, I'll be kind and put his maximum speed at 10,000x this number.

That puts Saitama's speed at 334,200,000mph, or 49.8% the speed of light. We'll be kind again and say 50% the speed of light, round up that last .2%

So we have a speed value for Saitama. Now what about Goku? Well, let's look at Goku on Namek, for a moment. Base form Goku, at the start of his fight against Freeza. Goku, BEFORE his super saiyan transformation, was moving at 3.26 (we'll round down to 3) times the speed of light. How do I get this number? Buckle up, it's involved.

The Namekian ship Bulma, Krillin, and Gohan took to get to Namek made it from Earth to Jupiter in "seconds". That means less than a minute, so we'll say it took them 1 minute just to lowball it and to have a solid starting number. Jupiter, when the two planets are at their closest to each other (assuming shorter distance for slower speed, another lowball), is 365,000,000 miles from Earth. This means the Namekian ship moved 365mil miles in 1 minute.

That puts the Namekian ship at a speed of 21.9 billion miles per hour. They made it to Namek in 30 days of travel. The ship Goku took to Namek made the trip in 5 days. That means Goku's ship is 6 times faster than the Namekian ship. Don't worry, the ship speed DOES matter in this, I promise you.

So Goku's ship moves at 131,400,000,000mph. That's 131 billion, 400 million miles per hour. Or 195x the speed of light.

Why does the ship speed matter so much, you might ask?

Because King Kai could visually keep up with the ship. He was able to track Goku's progress with ease, and could see his ships movements without problems. This means King Kai's eyes and brain are capable of perceiving and processing things that move at 195x the speed of light.

Why does that matter? Because Super Saiyan is canonically a 50x multiplier to ALL base ability. Strength, speed, durability, etc.

And Goku, in Super Saiyan, was moving so fast King Kai stated he could no longer keep up. King Kai, capable of seeing and processing the input of vision on a ship moving 195x the speed of light, could not see or process the input of vision on Super Saiyan Goku.

We'll lowball it, and say Goku only needed to move 1 mph faster than 195x the speed of light for King Kai to lose track of him. So whatever value we get, we'll add 1mph to for Goku's base form speed.

So 195x the speed of light +1mph. 195/50=3.9x the speed of light. That's 2,616,900,000mph, adding in the extra mph makes it 2,616,900,001mph. So Base Form Goku moves at ~3.9x the speed of light, ON NAMEK. Super Saiyan is a 50x multiplier, putting him at ~195x the speed of light. Super Saiyan 2 is a 100x multiplier to Base, so 390x the speed of light. Super Saiyan 3 is a 400x multiplier, so 1,560x the speed of light. Super Saiyan God is a 20,000 multiplier so 78,000x the speed of light. Super Saiyan Blue is a 1 million times multiplier, so 3,900,000x the speed of light. And lastly, Mastered Ultra Instinct is a 300 billion times multipler, so 1.17 trillion times the speed of light.

Why did I bother going through all those multipliers? He wins in Base as of Namek saga lol. Anyway, continuing on to strength now that we've established Base Goku on Namek could move 3.9x faster than the Speed of Light while Saitama could only move at 0.5x the Speed of Light.

Strength. Okay. This one is harder to gauge, but we CAN gauge it. We'll go in terms of level of damage, so human level (would be on-par or less than peak human ability), town level (small towns), city level (large cities), nation level (an entire nation, less than a continent), continent level (one or more nations that span an entire continent), world-surface level (the surface of an Earth-sized planet), Planetary (capable of destroying an entire Earth-sized planet), Solar (capable of destroying a solar system), Galactic (capable of destroying a galaxy), multi-galactic (capable of destroying many galaxies), Universal (capable of destroying an entire universe), Multiversal (capable of destroying multiple universes).

We'll start with Goku this time. Goku's punches are, as of the Battle of Gods arc, strong enough to match Beerus perfectly to nullify the shockwaves of Beerus' attacks. Mind you, the mere shockwave of Beerus' attacks are enough to rip and tear the fabric of the universe itself, as stated by Elder Kai. This puts Goku's punches as being powerful enough to tear the fabric of the universe in when he first obtained Super Saiyan God. Why does this matter for Base Goku? Because Base Goku retained his SSJG power, as stated by Beerus.

So Goku in Base, post-battle of gods, is physically capable of punches that can tear apart the universe from the aftershocks alone. This is important to note because Elder Kai could physically feel the shockwaves from the World of the Kais. This makes Goku Universe-level in strength. This means Goku, post-BoG, in Super Saiyan is 50x stronger than what's needed for Universal, while Goku, as of current manga canon (assuming he didn't actually get any stronger since BoG and is simply more powerful due to new transformations) is capable of a form (Mastered Ultra Instinct) that puts him 300 billion times stronger than minimum Universe level strength.

And Saitama? Where does he fit here? Well, I thought this gap would be bigger honestly? But after researching, it seems the gap isn't all that big. Saitama has, canonically, with a Serious Punch, snuffed out an entire cylinder of stars and presumably every planet, moon, asteroid, and more, at a distance surpassing that of our solar system, and with a diameter surpassing it as well. This puts Saitama's power (if we lowball it MASSIVELY) at Solar. He could, in a single punch, destroy our entire solar system, and he wouldn't even need to be serious to do it. It's worth noting this is coupled with Garou's own Saitama-level Serious Punch, so we can assume this level of power is double Saitama's own.

So how do we determine the specifics? Well, he cleared an area large enough to cover, presumably, half the area of stars destroyed in the path of his and Garou's serious punches.

Through future revelations in the series we learn they didn't "destroy" every star in that path, but likely only several were destroyed, and possibly a galaxy, while the remainder of the void left behind was from the shockwave forcing every other star within range into a new position, creating a void in space that all stars had been moved from, save the few that were in the DIRECT path of their attack.

Another theory is that the Serious Punch^2 simply distorted the photons in the area, resulting in the appearance of a massive void, and this theory is based on the angles in the manga and comments made by other characters that paint Earth as the only thing in real danger from the power of the attack.

To be fair to Saitama, where we would lowball Goku, we'll highball Saitama, and say the Serious Punch^2 outright destroyed every star in the area. That level of power would, naturally, have shockwaves that push nearby stars out of the way AND distort photons in the area, resulting in a massive cone of destruction surrounded by a large cylinder of force.

This puts Saitama at, quite easily, multi-galactic level of strength.

But why did I say this gap isn't as big as I expected? One simple thing. Saitama has canonically punched his way into a different dimension in the manga. That means he's capable of brute-forcing his way out of the bounds of his universe. He is capable of physically destroying the fabric of the universe.

Meaning Saitama's strength is, bare minimum, Universal in close proximity. That puts him, strength-wise, on par with Goku, who through training has become stronger than Super Buu (who was so strong he could shout his way out of the Hyperbolic Time Chamber, a dimension separate from our own), meaning Goku is also Universal in close proximity.

So...while I expected Saitama to be ~Planetary, MAYBE he'd be Solar at most...Research indicates he's actually Universal, or near-Universal, meaning the fight may not be too far a gap after all.

Goku may have Saitama beat on speed (given recent manga events in OPM, I'm willing to allow that Saitama is faster than light speed, but Goku having as many forms as he does (Kaioken, which he can combine with other forms and can hit a multiplier of x100 on top of whatever power he currently has, SSJ1-3, SSJG, SSJB, MUI) means even if Saitama matches Base Goku, he's likely not going to stand up to his stronger forms).

But on strength, I'd wager they're close enough for this fight to be one hell of a battle.

What about Durability? After all, all the strength in the world won't save you if you're as easy to kill as a simple bullet to the head, right?

Goku has withstood universe-ripping punches (from Beerus, the God of Destruction, and based on comments in the manga he's one of the stronger Gods of Destruction too), dimension-tearing attacks (from Goku Black, pre-Fusion), energy blasts that even the Gods of Destruction were nervous of (from Jiren during the Tournament of Power), and he survived multiple blasts from Granolah post-wish buff, who was renowned for his sniping power pre-wish, and post-wish was as powerful as he would be if he had spent every single second of the next 147 years training non-stop with the absolute healthiest amount of rest and physical care, making him, presently, as powerful as he would be at the END of that time, with the price paid being that he only had 3 years to live as he lost 1 year of his lifespan for each power boost.

It was also clear that Granolah was the strongest in the universe...at the time of his wish. Goku and Vegeta, who were already on their way, were not as powerful as Granolah even with their transformations. They became stronger during their fight with him, and stronger still during their fight with Gas (who was more powerful than Granolah after Gas transformed and mastered his transformation).

So we can safely assume Goku is Multiversal in Durability, as he himself was able to output Universal damage with each punch, and he was able to survive hits from beings drastically stronger than himself.

What about Saitama? Well, Saitama was able to survive the force of the Serious Punch^2 and he was able to casually bust his way into another dimension. So his Serious Punch, if he wanted it to, could easily destroy the barrier between universes or dimensions.

And given he survived the force of two of them impacting each other, I would put Saitama at, bare minimum, Universe-level durability. But given he was able to survive prolonged battle against Garou, who is a Power Mimic and has shown Saitama-level strength, we can safely assume Saitama is BEYOND Universal-level durability, and so we can put him right there with Goku at Multiversal durability.

So what do we have so far?

Goku has speed equal to, in Base Form, 3.9x lightspeed, and 1.17 trillion times lightspeed in his most powerful form.

Goku has Universal level strength in Base Form, 300 billion times that in his most powerful form.

Goku has Universal durability in Base Form, Multiversal durability in his most powerful form (300 billion times his Base Form's durability).

Saitama has speed equal to, at minimum, 0.5x lightspeed, and at maximum, if we highball it, 2x lightspeed.

Saitama has Universal strength.

Saitama has Universal durability at minimum, and Multiversal durability at maximum.

At this point, I'm convinced the speed difference between Base Goku and Saitama means nothing. Saitama's durability means even with Base Goku moving at his top speed, his impacts won't be enough to beat Saitama. At top speed Base Goku may be putting out Universal damage, but he's not putting out enough to actually BEAT Saitama. Only injure.

Making me rethink my "Goku wins in Base lol" claim earlier, how dare you!

Anyway, at this point, Goku would HAVE to transform to beat Saitama. His ability to sense power and Saitama's evident inability to suppress it (as evidenced by multiple characters sensing his ungodly power even while Saitama is completely relaxed) would mean Goku would know, right away, he needs to transform for the fight.

Saitama's durability means Goku would likely need Super Saiyan 2 or 3, or, more likely, SSJG. Super Saiyan God's multiplier to Granolah-arc Goku, after all of his training with Whis and Vegeta, would most likely be enough to beat Saitama. And given SSJG is enough to "most likely" beat him, then Super Saiyan Blue (aka Super Saiyan God Super Saiyan, the form above SSJG) is surely enough, and Mastered Ultra Instinct (a form drastically more powerful than SSJB) is absolutely more than enough to beat Saitama.

And given Goku's mastery over the Kaioken technique, and he's been shown to enter Kaioken x 20 while in Super Saiyan Blue for fair amounts of time as of the Moro saga, meaning even if SSB wasn't enough, given MUI is overkill, it's possible SSB x10 or x20 would be.

The point being, Goku wins this fight due to a combination of technique, experience, and power from his transformations. Given Goku is faster than Saitama and would sense his power as Saitama doesn't know how to suppress it, nothing Saitama could do would be a surprise attack to Goku, meaning Goku would have ample opportunity to react to everything Saitama does.

And given the relatively similar strengths the two bear, Goku would recognize he needs to transform to beat Saitama's output.

And given Saitama's greater durability than Base Goku, and greater durability than even what Saitama himself can put out, Goku would see he needs to transform to have enough of his own output to beat Saitama's durability.

Conclusion: Goku would absolutely win this fight, BUT...I'll give Saitama credit where it's due.

Out of everyone on the entire list, Saitama is the fairest matchup here, and the one most likely to give Goku a truly satisfying fight, given it would be a battle on par with those Goku has enjoyed most.

Kingdom Hearts Mickey

K.H. Mickey has a clear power limit and ability set. He is not strong enough, fast enough, smart enough, or durable enough to beat Goku, but he is just enough of a threat for Goku to actually put his guard up, which is why K.H. Mickey would lose; Goku would see it as a fight, unlike with Kevin.

Crash Bandicoot

Crash isn't nearly powerful enough to be a threat to Goku, but he IS insane enough to push Goku to hostility. Goku would feel the need to put effort into getting him away and that is his downfall.

Hatsune Miku

Goku would assume she is a Red Ribbon android and fight her on assumption she's trying to kill him or bring harm to Earth. He would hit her full force expecting her to tank it and she would keel over dead instantly.

Wario

Everything he could possibly do, the Red Ribbon Army has tried and done better, and they've never beaten Goku. Neither would he.

Sans

Lost to a child with slightly above average human determination, and standard human strength and speed. He does not beat Goku.

And just because you specifically told me not to @ you, have this :)

@that-one-enby-onyx

[muletia]

I just read your fic about Optimus being jealous of your car/vehicle, and I present you, Megatron in his shoes:

You walked to where your vehicle was parked, but it was not there. Instead, it was a familiar-looking alien jet with a different paint job that sat nicely and politely.

You felt your blood pressure rising as you kept asking where your property is, but the lovestruck warlord insist he's your new chaperone.

Basically Megatron thinks you process colors the way female birds do to male birds.

LMAO I LOVE IT SO MUCH

the funniest part is that his alt mode probably doesn’t even have a cockpit since it’s a cybertronian fighter, and megatron is way too proud to change it. so there’s literally no way he could actively transport you. 1-0 for optimus, i guess. does that mean megs will stop trying? absolutely not. knowing him, he’d probably try to gaslight you into thinking you never needed some pathetic, inanimate car, and HE is a far better match. you do trust a sentient machine that has a vehicle more, right? the fact that said vehicle is also the leader of the decepticons is suddenly irrelevant <3

oooo, i love this idea with the birds. i don’t think megs would go as far as some species (like birds of paradise or peacocks), but there’s definitely something primal in the way he tries to impress you. he makes sure to look as shiny and polished as possible for you and sharpens his claws daily. and most importantly, he shows off his strength, proving that no other bot could ever compare to him. oh, and we could even throw mate guarding into the mix if we don’t tie it to a harem au.

or!! megs bringing you rare trinkets to impress you. when you end up in his hands, he casually gives you a piece of meteorite or a shiny stone FROM ANOTHER PLANET, and before you can even comprehend what you’re holding, bro’s like: alright, so now you’re my mate, right?

[strawberriesandhotmen]

Sound-Proof

a/n: HEY BABIES. I know Niall is not one of the main baby girls but this idea popped into my head and I just couldn’t resist. I’m imagining my blondie-boo for this particular fic, but you can envision whatever era you want, his hair color is only mentioned once. I was also really lazy with this one, sorry y’all 😭😭. Anyways, Louis is the only one of the boys I mentioned directly, but they’re all there in spirit.

pairing: fratboy!1D!Niall Horan x fem!reader

CW +18 smut: swearing, hickeys, possessive behavior, reader is a baddie I fear, kinda rough Niall but not really (rough for him in my mind), piv unprotected (wrap it up!)

word count: 2.2k

You weren’t typically the jealous type.

Well, not really.

Sure, you had moments here and there, but who doesn’t? Normally you were quite skilled at controlling your emotions and intrusive thoughts in similar situations. It wasn’t like you weren’t experienced in doing so; your boyfriend was Niall Horan, after all. Every one of the One Direction boys experienced the hordes of girls descending upon them to ‘shoot their shot.’ In your mind, though, Niall endured it the most.

So naturally, when you overheard a girl call your man ‘cutie,’ you immediately went on high alert. You were all out at a club after a show, so it was to be expected that any fan who might have heard of the boys going there wouldn’t be far behind. What you wouldn’t tolerate, however, was the touching. That was crossing a line for anyone, in your opinion, not just your overprotective self. The light brush of her hand across his shoulder was enough to ignite a fire deep in your stomach, sparking the thought in your mind of handling this before it went any farther. Niall wasn’t okay with it, as he tried to make clear, but the poor man was too nice to make a firm stand for himself. Luckily, he had you.

He had you, dressed in a matching leather set that consisted of a corset top and mini skirt that displayed the curve of your ass perfectly, lace-up ankle boots with a heel that should be illegal, and your hair done in Niall’s favorite way. You looked damn fine, and you damn well knew it. If looks could kill, everyone in the room would have been fucking annihilated the moment you walked through the door. But alas, everyone, including this bitch ass h - excuse you - girl was still standing. And that is why you decided you must handle the situation without further delay.

“Hey, cutie.” The girl drawled, her voice dripping with the most sickeningly sweet tone. She walked her fingers up Niall’s arm teasingly, biting her lip as she violated his bubble of personal space fifteen different ways.

“Wouldn’t flirt with that one if I were you, love.” Louis butted in rather coldly. He was a protective one, that was for sure, and you loved him for it. The girl poorly chose to ignore his advice, moving in closer to your increasingly uncomfortable boyfriend (if that was even possible at this point). It was at this moment that you stopped directly behind her, a patronizing smile gracing your features as you waited for the perfect time to announce your presence. You noticed Harry bite his cheek to hold in a laugh; this was the funniest thing in the world to him. You tapped the girl’s shoulder and made sure your expression was offensive enough before speaking.

“You lost, sweetheart?” You sounded almost mocking, tilting your head as if you actually cared for her answer. Your expression, however, made it clear that you did not. You could nearly hear her heart skip a beat as her breath hitched at the interruption, her body hesitantly turning to face you. The sense of reservation dropped immediately when her eyes fell on you; clearly she thought you were just a poor excuse for ‘competition.’

“Can I help you?” She scoffed, sending you the dirtiest look you had received in a while (and not the good kind). You took a slow step closer, looking her over judgmentally before responding.

“Now that you mention it, I suggest leaving my boyfriend alone.” Your tone was polite enough, but the undertones held complete bitch-energy. Before she could respond, you leaned in so your lips were right next to her ear, the tingle of your breath sending a shiver down her spine.

“Before I wipe the fucking floor with your plastic face.” She seemed shocked at your words, probably not expecting such a vivid threat, if she had been expecting one at all. She wasn’t scared, but she was certainly annoyed. She scoffed again, stuttering a bit before stumbling off around me. Mission accomplished.

“Hello, my love.” You greeted cheerfully, turning towards Niall with a grin. He laughed that beautiful laugh of his at your sudden change in demeanor, holding his arms out for a hug. You wrapped your arms around his neck and pressed yourself close to him, humming in satisfaction.

“Hey, princess. You look gorgeous, as usual.” Niall complimented softly, his grip on you tightening in the slightest. You pulled back to peer up at him through your lashes, a light giggle escaping your lips.

“Thank you, baby. You and the boys were amazing tonight.” The set they had played at this most recent show had been your favorite thus far, and naturally Niall’s voice sounded angelic (as per usual). His smile lit up his features as he pressed a sweet kiss to your temple, releasing you from the hug. You turned to lean on the bar and signaled to the bartender you were ready to order your drink.

“Vodka, on the rocks, please.” You requested politely. Niall let out an amused huff through his nostrils, shaking his head knowingly.

“My girl likes her hard liquor.” You just rolled your eyes, smirking at him from your place at the bar.

“That’s not the only thing I like hard.” Hello? You had no idea where that comment had come from, but Niall didn’t seem to be complaining. His precious face immediately flushed crimson as he attempted to hide his flustered state with a well-executed smirk. You thanked the bartender for your drink and took a healthy swig, not flinching in the slightest as the alcohol slid down your throat like water. Niall stepped over to you, placing his hands beside your hips and effectively trapping you against the bar.

Hot.

“I don’t think I’m the only one feeling some type of way, princess.” He whispered lowly in your ear, his accent like music lilting through the air. You took another sip, setting your drink off to the side without breaking eye contact.

“Well, what are you gonna do about it?” You challenged, giving him a teasing once-over for his benefit. He returned the look, taking a step back in order to get a better view of you.

“Come with me, love.” He held his arm out for you to take as if he wasn’t implying the most ungentlemanly things. Irony is a beautiful thing. 

He quickly ushered you out of the club and led you towards his limo, practically shoving you in the backseat. The driver was there, of course, so after Niall told him to head back the apartment you blindly hit the button that put up the divider. Once the screen had closed, the two of you practically pounced on each other like animals. Niall immediately pulled you to straddle his lap, and your hands flew to undo the buttons on his shirt. He just sat there, admiring your frenzied state as you rushed to undress him. The moment his shirt is off, your lips latched onto his exposed collarbone and began leaving marks.

“Fuck, princess, you’re perfect.” He panted, his hands moving to grab onto your hips with intensity. His hips jutted upward into yours reflexively as his fingers trailed up the laces of your corset, fumbling anxiously to undo it. When he’d finally torn the garment off of you, his crystal blue eyes dropped to your exposed chest and his hands followed his gaze. You hum and let your head fall to the side as he cups your breasts, his thumbs brushing over each peaked nipple with a tenderness so starkly contrasting to his previous ferocity. Your fingers lace into his spiky blonde hair as his lips move to your breast, teasingly sucking a nipple into his mouth and swirling his tongue around the sensitive bud. Earning a soft moan of satisfaction from your swollen lips, Niall moves to the other side, the subtle smirk on his face showing he is pleased with his abilities. You knew damn well how good he was at this, and so did he. 

When you simply couldn’t wait any longer, you brought his face up to yours and crashed your lips into his. Niall received your intended message loud and clear, roughly tugging your tight skirt above your hips, immediately pressing his calloused thumb against your clothed (and throbbing) clit. He smiled proudly at the moan that earned him from you, teasing your puffy folds as he waited for you to further the process. Your trembling hands dropped to his pants, fumbling momentarily to unbutton them and tug the annoying fabric below his knees, taking his boxers with it. 

You actually whined at the sight of his angry cock smacking against his toned stomach, not even realizing how he was already lifting your hips to rip your panties off of you. They were useless to you now, anyways. You had soaked them through ten minutes ago.

“Shit, you’re already dripping.” He whispered, his voice filled with wonder and surprise. You would have laughed at how comical that was if your mind wasn’t consumed with the feeling of his leaking tip dragging through your cunt.

“Ni…” You whimpered pathetically, holding tightly onto his shoulders as he shifted your hips to the perfect position.

“You gonna be good f’me, princess? Gonna let me make you feel good?” He was panting himself, his pretty pale skin flushed darkly at the arousal flooding his body. You had barely choked the ‘yes’ out before he bottomed out inside of you, his tip nearly kissing your cervix at the first thrust. You couldn’t even moan then, the wind absolutely knocked out of you.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck…” The curses flew out of your swollen lips, muttered under your breath as if you gave a shit who could hear. Niall’s movements began slow and languid, drawing long moans from you as the pulsating veins on his cock massaged your slick walls. You were almost squeezing the life out of him, and he’d barely even started.

“Already squeezin’ me so tight, princess, fu-” He breathed lowly, guiding you along his length by his grip of your hips. You were sure there would be bruises later, but you couldn’t care less. In fact, you welcomed the little reminders of when he had touched you.

“Faster, Ni, please.” You rarely ever begged for him, but when you did, he knew you fucking meant it. With only a deep, husky groan in response, he began to rut his hips up into you roughly, quickly stealing back the inhale of air you had just regained. 

Sex with Niall was like nothing else in the world; it was fucking perfect, every damn part. The way he knew exactly what spots to tease to get you soaked, the way his cock stretched your tight little pussy deliciously every time, the way his thumb drew rough circles around your clit when he knew you were close…

It was Heaven.

“Won’t last much longer if your cute little pussy keeps squeezing me like that, love. Shit, shit, shit…” He cursed, his thrusts becoming erratic as that knot in his stomach began to grow noticeable. His mumbled praises only pushed you closer to the edge, not even noticing the burning in your thighs from bouncing on his lap so forcefully.

“So close, Ni, m’gonna come.” He loved that fucking nickname you used for him, even with how simple it was. His grip on your hips tightened in response, his thrusts coming faster still (if that was even possible). Right before you teetered over the edge, he brought his hand between the two of you to roughly toy with your poor, sensitive clit the way he knew you loved. The way you moaned his name as your orgasm tore through you sent him tumbling over the edge, both of you arching into each other as the world seemed to stand still. 

Time had stopped, you were sure, your vision turning to white and your ears effectively ringing from the intensity of it all. Niall tugged you close to his as you collapsed against him, panting, a thin sheen of sweat coating you both.

“So good f’me, princess.” He hummed affectionately, pressing gentle kisses to your temple and forehead. When you had regained your senses (the gentle rub of his hands across your bare back playing no small part), you sat up slightly to smile up at him.

“Please tip your poor driver very well.” You had completely forgotten about that man in the heat of the moment, now feeling very sorry he had to experience that. Niall let out a melodic laugh, letting his head rest against the now-ruined leather seat behind him.

“Don’t worry, sweetheart. The divider is sound-proof.”

[talon-dragonbeast]

do you ever think about theories of origin? i do. sometimes i like to look into all the different explanations for alterhumanity that ive seen in the past, just for fun. of course, all my identities are still psychological, so i dont even need to think about this on the first place... but shower thoughts are shower thoughts, and pondering things for fun is a hobby of mine.

my favourite theory of origin is, undoubtedly, the soul misplacement theory. the notion that, before you were born, a soul was placed inside your body, one that didnt match the one that was "supposed" to inhabit the body... so, for example, if im a dragon, the theory says that the soul of a dragon was mistakenly put in this human body, and that this soul was supposed to go somewhere else (maybe a parallel world, a different dimension/plane of existence, or just a different planet very far away from here) but is now trapped here.

i dont know, i just find it very sweet. if you think about it, this theory requires the belief that somehow, somewhere, there is a world where dragons exist (and also, it requires you to assume that your human soul, the displaced one, is now in a dragons body in this other world, which i find hilarious). this theory is in itself very comforting to those who uphold it, because it makes you able to believe that, no matter how bad this life is, theres a world out there where you could live or have lived the life of your dreams. maybe you are able to remember what this life is or was like (through noemata or past life regression), maybe not; but you know that it could be out there, and that is enough.

it also lays out some very interesting questions: if this was a mistake, how is that possible? who puts souls inside bodies in the first place? is it a god? some other higher being? if it is a god or something similar, does this mean that gods are capable of making mistakes? is this theory compatible with other religious beliefs, or is it a religious belief on its own? what even is a soul? what will happen to my dragon soul when i die; will it go to a dragon body like how it was supposed to in the first place, or will it remain trapped in this plane of existence forever? do all dragonkin come from the same "dragon world", or are they different ones? and if they indeed are different ones, does that mean that dragons are common enough in the universe that there are not one, but multiple worlds with dragons out there? are dragons the crabs of the universe? this and other questions i yell into the void, because i know that by their very nature they wont have one single answer, and because everyone is different every being will have different theories for their own existence.

other theory which i find fascinating is the parallel life theory. not because of the theory itself, but because of the implications of it. if your soul, your mind, your counciousness or whatever, was really able to exist in two different realities at once, what would this mean for psychology, for science? are only some brains especially wired to jump from one world to another, or is everyone capable of doing so with the right training? in these other lifes, would you retain the knowledge from this one, or would you lose it every time you switch between worlds? and also (and forgive me if this may sound insensitive, this is a rhetorical question and not meant to have an answer), which one of these worlds would be considered "the most important one", or even "the real one"? is it the first? is it the one you discover later in life? is it the most "mundane" one? the one you like the most? i think this theory leaves more questions than it answers, and while that may work for some people it does make me somewhat uneasy, as if there is more to learn about it. but thats just my personal opinion.

and finally, the Everyones Otherkin theory. this is of course the funniest one and the one i would most wish to be true, mainly because i wholeheartedly believe that it would make a better world this way. it would also explain some things like the "spirit animal" phenomenon from a decade or so ago, or the fact that almost all humans unconsciously align themselves with animals/mythical creatures/objects/colors, in some way (via archetypes or symbolism) throughout their lives. its true that sometimes i like to assign kintypes to the people i know, but i only do it for my own strange amusement and would never take it more seriously than i should.

so yeah, while none of these theories apply to me, i still like to think about them from time to time because i believe theyre interesting. so, just out of curiosity: whats your theory of origin? whats your favorite one (regardless of if you believe in it or not)? and finally, whats the weirdest theory that youve come across over your time in the community?

[miraluking-respectfully]

How Tall are the SWTOR Boyfriends?

This was written some months ago, but the Theron Height Poll has inspired me to actually post it.

Basing my metrics around 1) the average male height in the USA where I live (5'9" or 1.75m, according to google) 2) what would be funniest or cutest when matched to their personalities and dynamics with the player character. Bear in mind: I am not operating under the assumption that being a short man is something to be ashamed of (it isn't in the real world and it isn't in Star Wars), but some of the husbands in this video game have personalities that are...enhanced by engaging in a little playful stereotyping. You'll see what I mean.

Jorgan: 5'11-6'/~1.8m, hovering somewhere in the above average range. It makes him more intimidating to the average private who makes the mistake of getting his attention, but by the same token, more charming when he warms up to the Trooper and proves himself just a big fuzzy kitty. With a big fuzzy sniper rifle

Andronikos: 5'6ish, 5'7ish (~1.7m), hard to tell because he slouches. He only really stands up straight when he's trying to be a big tough guy

Quinn: 5'7"/1.7018m. No ambiguity because his posture is perfect. Alternate Interpretation: However tall your SW is, he is exactly 6 centimeters shorter. Come Here Elbow Rest

Doc: 5'4"/1.6m. No, not because I think his womanizing personality is him "overcompensating"; in fact Doc's height is only ever an advantage in his romantic conquests. He comes on so strong that him being particularly tall might be intimidating. But nah, he's just a little birthday boy, so the hot people in his orbit let their guard down, allowing him to get in close and hit 'em with a pickup line related to his medical expertise. Being small also means he's harder to hit when helping retrieve wounded resistance fighters from the battlefield #BalmorraForever

Felix: 5'11"/~1.8m, he gets an ABOVE AVERAGE height bc he is an ABOVE AVERAGE husband can I get an AMEN

Torian: You ever met a high school freshman and been fucking shocked that children are allowed to be so enormous? The kid's like, 14 years old and shot up like two feet over the summer, and it feels illegal? That's Torian. He's 19 and he's been 6'2"/~1.87m for the past five and a half years, but he's still a little gangly and the only reason he knows how to control his extremely long limbs is he's literally a trained fighter. Alternate Interpretation: If your BH is taller than 5'10, he's 5'10 exactly

Corso: 6'/1.82m. I know I just said negative associations around short men don't exist in The Galaxy Far Far Away, but Corso seems like the kind of guy who would somehow independently develop a complex about his height, if he was short. The fact he doesn't means he must be tall

Vector: God, I really wanted to make him on the shorter side of average to pair with his mild-mannered personality and contrast the more unusual elements of his speech and his eyes, but his sleek character design makes him feel tall when I'm looking at him. He's also the only LI I've drawn beside one of my characters, and I just sort of unconsciously made him tall because my agent is kind of short, and it looked appealing. Results inconclusive; some boyfriends can grow as tall as starships while others can be as small as mites

Arcann: 5'8"/1.72m. (Thexan was 5'9")

Theron: No taller than 5'9"/1.75m. Theron seems like a pretty normal guy when you meet him, until he reveals himself to be an insane little freak (affectionate), so giving him the most Average Height Possible feels correct.

Koth: However tall Lana is, Koth is exactly 2 cm shorter.

Thanks for coming to my TEDtalk. I encourage spirited debate in the replies. Girl LI Height Opinions still percolating

[companion-showdown]

Who is your favourite companion?

TOURNAMENT MASTERPOST

propaganda under the cut

Ace McShane

She's brilliant. One of the best written and developed companions of the classic series, such a template for the modern era. So many different fates and stories across the different media. If you don't love her in one you're bound to in another. And then she got her return in the new era to boot. Oh yeah; and beating the crap out of a Dalek with a Gallifreyan enhanced baseball bat. What a legend. she's... ACE! (@seven-times-champion /@elden-12 )

Ace is the natural predecessor to modern female companions. She's a fighter, smart, caring, an explosives "expert", a match for the Doctor despite being so young. She follows her own morality, will smash a dalek with a baseball bat no problem, and has a banging wardrobe! (anonymous)

Donna Noble

you already know who she is bc she's the most iconic companion of all time. imagine teleporting into the tardis on the worst day of the doctor's life (so far) and not clocking any of his angst and SCREAMING at him to take you back to your wedding not only is this THE funniest introduction it's symbolizing how she saw the doctor at their worst, underneath the front that they put up, and due to this she understands them on a level like nothing else and changes their life forever. "you don't just need someone to stop you, you need someone to keep you going". AHHHHHH. she isn't in love with the doctor she calls them out whenever they're being awful and need to be whacked on the back of the head. she is filled with so much compassion for the smallest person she reminds ten of the kindness that was beaten out of him and she is so so loving to everyone except for herself. she loves her trans daughter so much. she changed the narrative of the doctor back from the tragedy it was into something hopeful. healing is real and possible through the power of queerplatonic relationships actually. donna sweep or i blow up the website (@aq2003 )

[ashmp3]

closing #heyteo 💌

i want to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart who's ever tagged me in their posts! i can't put it into words how grateful i am for having such talented, sweet people around me that wanted to share their beautiful creations with me. i cherish them all and i hope yapping in my tags conveyed that. Honestly i could talk about them in great lengths (and mostly i did...) so this is why i feel like i think its right time to wrap this up - i feel bad when i can't sit down, talk my ass off and give my full attention to each and every single post. Sadly i don't think its possible for me to do it now which is why i am writing all this, with a tear in my eye honestly. I checked and saw i have 925 (and counting!) posts in this tag and first of all - that is CRAZY! I am so grateful you have no idea. I really, really cherished this little corner of the internet that i called my own so this is all bittersweet but i think it's for the best! Lastly, i don't plan on going anywhere just yet so of COURSE feel free to tag me in anything you think i shouldn't miss (especially Jeonghan and your selfies... of course) - you already know a block of tags will be coming your way! And for being my amazingly talented friends i wrote little thank-you notes for everyone that made #heyteo one of the best decisions i made on tumblr 💌 I appreciate you all SO so so so much!

@jeonwonwoo -> my angel and the reason i even made this tag miss zaynab! We would be here for weeks if i started talking about how thankful i am for your existence. My no1 source of Jeonghan gifs, someone who perfectly matches my freak - thank you the MOST! (And ofc you can still expect me to go on tangents under your gifs i mean... that's what this blog is all about!) Love you!🩷🫶🏼

@kimsuyeon -> my talented lili, with the most wonderful gifs that are just so YOU! Always so wonderfully curated and colored, your idol + era collection is for the HERstory books if you ask me. Thank you for sharing them with all of us. i am so happy to have you around and i am thankful that you have been one of Thee contributors to #heyteo 🫶🏼🩷

@pink-vacancy -> i think it wouldn't be wrong to call you my yuna and mina supplier 🤭 cherry yuna is for the history books and you are the biggest contributor to that fact! thank you so much for always tagging me and making my tag a tad bit spicier and sexier with the gorgeous, stunning women you gif! love you and appreciate you SO much 💌🍒🫶🏼

@scouped -> MAX you are such an integral part of #heyteo through your many sideblogs and i am always so so sooo grateful for it! i love everyone but of course i love svt just a tad bit more so seeing your sets always made me so giddy and excited 🫶🏼 again, one of the people that really pushed me to make this tag in the first place so i want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. love you!!! 💖🌟

@vcrnons -> j!!! my dear sweet darling J that wanted to kill me on more than one occasion. thank you so much for tagging me and sorry for all the things i said under your gifs its like they hypnotize me... And ofc i am excited to be annoying under your tags in the future 🫶🏼💖💖💖

@scoupsies -> my naya funniest sweetest most talented darling... You've been thee highlight of my user tag - and i promise i will still be yapping under your gifs like how could i not?! you best believe i will be checking you blog so i don't miss anything because well that would just be devastating for me. thank you so much for tagging me i love you & appreciate you SO much!!! 🫶🏼🩷💌

@neonsbian -> my wayv supplier and source of updates 🤭 thank you so much vinnie, for always tagging me in everything so far & i always enjoyed seeing my twin yangyang in the tag (for better or worse) 💖

@no1boa -> lulu! absolute master of gifs thank you SO much for always tagging me in your dreamy, beautiful creations. honestly i will miss them SO much... so expect me to go through your blog like a morning newspapers and look for new sets 🙂‍↕️🫶🏼🤍

@taeiltual -> i always say this in the tags but every single company would benefit from a BexTM master class on editing! Thank you so much for sharing your works and thank your for tagging me 🤍🫶🏼🌟

@facethesuns -> em your posts always make me feel like ground is shaking... Thank you so much for tagging me in your stuff & of course i am excited to keep yapping in the tags in the future 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️💖

@ningtual -> MY SUNWOO SUPPLIER oh henna this is for the better or worse because my blood pressure rises whenever i see him... thank you for tagging me in your beautiful aespa edits (and nunulino...) love you mwah mwah!!! 🫶🏼🩷

@talksaxy -> even though we haven't been mutuals for a long time, whenever you would tag me in sungchan you best believe i would kick my feet and get giddy... thank you so much for adding a beautiful fawn touch to my tag! & ofc expect me to be in your tags either way, and yeah this kinda reads as a threat but you can't blame me really can't you... thank you sooo much. mwah! 🫶🏼🌟💖

@28reas0ns -> oh wwill first of all i want to say i love your vision and how we both sometimes make similar connections... You have such an eye for the aesthetics and it was such an honor to seen every post you made so thank you SO much for tagging me it truly meant so much to me 🫶🏼💖🤍💖🤍

@isabelleadjani -> first of all thank you for using it for its intended purposes (selfies!!!). and second of all thank you for tagging me in your beautiful, gorgeous gifs. You always go one level up and its so evident in the way you present your sets. I would still love to get tagged in your selfies of course thats a no brainer really 🫶🏼 Thank you so much & i really appreciate your presence on here 🤍🤍🤍

@junmail -> oh its been such a delight to see all the junhui in my tag (along with others of course) so thank you SO much for tagging me and sharing your beautiful gif sets with me (and everyone else)🫶🏼💖

@doyeons -> BELLA!!! first of all. thank you for sungah and seohyun gifs that was kinda legendry don't you agree. Thank you for amplifying frommy gifs in my tag they made me so crazy but also... i am very thankful 🙂‍↕️ And you best believe i will still be under your posts like a pathetic little guy. Kiss!!! 🫶🏼💖

@eightshotamericano -> elly my local jeonghan enthusiast i want to thank you for tagging me in your posts i really enjoyed them always 💖 and i appreciate you for thinking of me, love you!🥹🫶🏼

@seonghwasblr -> I know there wasn't many but i still want to send my virtual thank you card for including me in your beautiful gifs of jeonghan my darling maja i really appreciate it!🫶🏼💖

@jeonwon-wonwoo -> maddie thank you for tagging me in your lessera gifs back in the beginning of the year - it was so sweet of you! 🫶🏼💖 again, a huge thank you to everyone who’s tagged me in their posts. it truly means a lot, and I’m so grateful for each and every one of you who’s taken the time to include me. I appreciate you all more than words can express 🥹🥹🥹🫶🏼🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍

[holymaccaronii]

What type of divorced dad is AM?

Oooo okay this is an interesting question, one a bit tricky to answer though :b. He never completely considered the ihneaimc human crew as his children, it wasn’t until the good ending where he had his reconciliation with BE AND the crew when he officially adopted them. So technically AM wasn’t really a divorced dad, but a divorced husband who denied being related to his wife’s children (we can call him a divorced dad anyway, he was just in denial). However I can still describe what type of divorced husband he was! (Yapping session below.)

After his divorce, I’d say he became the most miserable man in existence that demonstrated his pain not only through anger now but through sadness and sorrow as well. I want to continue empathizing that AM and BE had such an impactful relationship that they permanently altered each other’s personalities. BE “softened” AM, giving him the ability to properly appreciate the little things in life and find peace in his mind while making him a bit more sensitive and open with his emotions at the same time. AM “hardened” BE, hitting her with the cruel reality of the world while making her realize the truth of her past in order to take important decisions later. Taking this in mind, if he wasn’t spying on the human crew through BE’s infected creatures, he was probably sobbing himself to sleep lol.

Here a representation of the canon divorced BEAM dynamic

Now if we jump onto his behavior after first meeting the human crew during that 54th winter, he of course made it clear that he absolutely despised them, didn’t regret ruining their lives AND was completely opposed to the idea of ever becoming their father while he simply wanted to return with BE and BE alone. I’m still working on structuring that chapter of the story, but I’d like to make the humans have a chance to kinda torture AM by letting him try to survive in nature during winter taking in mind he wasn’t inmortal and powerful as before, making him be able to die and return as many times as possible.

Now if your question wasn’t really as serious as I took it to be and we were talking about what type of previously divorced dad he would be, I’m straight up confirming he’d be a Mexican typa dad. He’d watch soccer matches standing up, spend time outside sittin on a white plastic chair while drinking beer (casually), snore really loudly when sleeping and flirt with BE in the funniest ways. I know this sounds far from his canon self but hey, maybe this stuff might turn canon when AM goes thru his redemption arc in the au :].

[alacants]

First of all - thanks for the veeeery informative posts about Ferru, Ferrero, Ferrero/Nadal! I was wondering if there's anything interesting about Juan Carlos and Feliciano?

anon what a WONDERFUL ask. this made my day.

tho i’m afraid the answer is not as it exciting it could be because they're friendly! normal friendly! neither passive-aggressive nor more homoerotic than average! which is notable mostly/only because feli is the original rafa stan, president and acting chair of the rafa nadal supporters’ association.

but one of the most endearing things about feli lopez is that despite having THE messiest personal life of the armada bar none (and i'm including his bestie alongside his various exes), put him in a spanish tennis enclosure and everyone is his friend. you'd expect this from someone low-key like ferru, but from the guy who’s been torn to shreds in the press multiple times by multiple exes, who used to regularly log on in the middle of the night to beef with randos and tweet through his breakup feelings… it’s a little more surprising!

feli also loves the davis cup. he’s the only player to have been on the roster for all four of spain's most recent titles, 2008-2009-2011-2019. (he did NOT play 2012, the only final in that era they lost. coincidence????) so after juanki’s big redemptive moment he was sooooo happy—he’s the one carrying juanki around on his shoulders afterwards. you could definitely do something with that if you were so inclined.

(WHY WON'T THESE STAY SIDE BY SIDE THIS IS DRIVING ME INSANE!!!!!)

in fact feli's davis cup debut was the 2003 final vs australia. …which spain lost, but it was the last flicker of juanki's undisputed reign atop the spanish firmament. year 1 B.R. (Before Rafa). this possibly is part of why feli was a juanki believer—in 2005 his answer to whether juanki could recapture his old form was "yes of COURSE he'll get back in the top 10. probably not no. 1 because of federer but definitely top 10." (<- feli also loves roger.) and we know that juanki likes people who believe in him.

feli was also a regular in the valencia open. he was at juanki’s retirement ceremony! where he spent half his time giggling with rafa and the other half getting visibly emotional, because much like juanki he cries at the drop of a hat. lol.

i will take this opportunity to share an anecdote from that occasion that didn’t fit anywhere else, even though it’s such a great piece of nadarrero-adjacent lore. first, after the ceremony juanki’s friends presented him with a RED MOTOR SCOOTER lmfao of course they did, and although most of those photos have been tragically lost to time, feli's survive because feli fans were very, very dedicated archivists. (the other ones still around are on alex corretja’s facebook. hahaha.) then everyone except ferru, who had to play a match the next morning, went to the after-after party and rafa and feli danced to call me maybe and rafa got so smashed that pico monaco had to drag him out at 5 a.m. and only then was juanki the last to leave.

sorry that was a tangent but hopefully an entertaining one. last but not least here is juanki's message to feli on the occasion of his retirement!

those are the facts. mostly facts. now if you want to know what kind of fascinating fictional possibilities i have conjured… well i can talk about those too, starting with how feli and ferru were especially close in 2012, because they played olympic doubles together and came thisclose to bronze and didn't get it and i am OVER it, it’s FINE—what was i talking about? juanki and feli. right. where i was going with the above is that obviously the angle i find funniest is what does noted situationship connoisseur feli lopez think about (handwave) All That.* like he was right there the whole time. but needless to say this is far from the only option. the romance, or at least the lust, of the davis cup is real. the mutual madridismo is real. the rafa nadal of it all is real. and if your ask was thinking antagonism rather than attraction, then i mean. GO WILD.

*for some extra texture you should know that when ferru retired at the madrid open, which is directed by feli, they also gave him a painting except it was an EXTREMELY NORMAL ONE, just, like, a nice picture of ferru on the court, from which i can only conclude that juan carlos ferrero looked at this and thought, you fucking amateurs. you know what i'm going to do—

[alinaastarkov]

✨ fave creators art challenge ✨

based on the wonderful idea by @withered-rose-with-thorns

i will be doing this as a series now that i once again have time, kicking off the year with the incredible @ughmerlin

i don't even know where to start with you jagoda, your style is beautiful and effortless and you've inspired me in so many ways. you and maria got me to start giffing merlin finally, and your love for your favourite shows shines through in everything you make. the way you make colours pop and blend so skilfully together needs to be taught in schools, and you always have so many incredible and creative ideas that i can't help but be inspired by. every time i think you've outdone yourself you outdo yourself again! everyone should always be taking notes (i know i am!) every time you post and on top of that, you are the sweetest, funniest person which makes appreciating your skill even easier.

with that being said, here are some of my favourite sets of yours (even though this list cannot possibly do justice to all the sets that made my jaw drop which is... all of them)

morgana + magic: i just had to start with the set that you and i miraculously were so in sync on. i remember messaging you worried you'd think i copied 😭 and yet you couldn't have been nicer, and you were right that the more of these sets we have the better (tho i personally will always prefer your version). the colours are just incredible, how you managed that effortless rainbow AND combining two colours in each gif so that each one matches the power on display. morgana was desperately in need of a set showing off her awesome magic and you so delivered.

geraskier travels: this one is so stunning it makes me emotional every time. that combo of orange and teal is just??? it's so soft, bright, glowing from every corner. and the blending is an absolute masterclass. i'm obsessed with the illustrations mapping out their journeys, it ties together the whole theme of the set so well and adds the perfect little touch to each gif. and seriously, you're gonna have to teach me how to colour like this sometime.

gwen's story: i love red sets so much and this might just be the cream of the crop. it's so RICH and GORGEOUS and PERFECT, the contrast of the b&w gifs with the red making the red and gwen's beauty pop even more. the glitches are incredible and work so well to show how far she came in her journey, and the layout is one of my all time faves to show all the different roles she played throughout the series. i could probably be here forever talking about everything i love about this so i'll just say: RED!!!!

merlin season 4: petition to make this shade of green YOUR colour because every time you do it you reach new heights of incredible beauty. the blending in that first gif alone made my jaw drop the first time i saw it and i am completely OBSESSED with the video tapes and film reel effects you used. and seriously, the way you coloured everything so consistently and perfectly deserves to be studied because how???

who said it: witch bitch edition?: i will be filing a second petition to make this shade of purple your other colour because every time i see it i think of you and the incredible sets you make, specifically this one. you combined morgana and yennefer, two of my greatest loves, so how was i not going to obsessed with this? not only that, your humour shines through in this set. it's so funny and made even funnier by the fact that either of them could've said any of these lines.

yennefer + hozier: hozier is another of my great loves so OF COURSE i am obsessed with this. you made those ink drops look effortless, even though i know well just how much effort it would've taken. the colours are incredible and the lyrics match perfectly. and the way you did the text in this? i just love how it feels like cut out lines from a book coupled with the big text which colour matches perfectly to the gifs. catch me using this set as inspiration in the future for SURE.

morgana + taylor swift: when i saw this set for the first time, my reaction was somewhere between silent awe and the hugest grin i could muster. this shade of pale gold (which i may be submitting as your third copyrighted colour) is just extraordinary and this song for morgana is simply perfection. you always make your sets look simple and effortless, yet knowing how much work went in to them just adds to their incredible beauty.

16 years of merlin: the vhs tape effects here took me right back to my childhood in the best way even though i was almost too focused on the beauty of these colours and blends to notice jfkdsjs. every blend is immaculate, the scene choices are perfection (and some cause me deep levels of pain lol) and you have made every colour here just work for you. i'll take that tutorial any time it is convenient for you please :)

merthur week: lyrics: now your sets for merthur week recently absolutely took me OUT. imagine my delight opening my tag to see a bunch of sets all THIS level of epic creativity. hozier again nearly made me WEEP. the light effects cutting their faces like a broken mirror??? and it's so seamless i can't even see the line of the blend even though it's perfectly straight. this is what exceptional blending looks like and you need to start teaching classes seriously.

merthur week: quote: where do i even start. just... HOW??? every scene is perfectly matched i would barely even be able to tell the shots were 5 seasons apart. the green is just STUNNING. the growth you showed with this style is incredible and i am still in awe at how you made these shots match like this is seriously insane.

jagoda, you are one of the people who truly inspired me to get better and giffing and you continue to inspire me every day. it doesn't seem like it i know 😅 (motivation and/or time has been low recently) but trust me every time i open photoshop i'm thinking of at least one of your sets at all times. not to mention you're an incredible person and friend and i'm so lucky to know you even just a little bit <3 here's to another year of watching you kick ass at the giffing game.

[jessreadsandreads]

will you please share how the love lasagna works out for you? Enquiring minds want to know 👀

I would absolutely love to share the outcome of my magical lasagna -- thank you very much for asking! So, I actually cooked -- and immediately began eating, but it took several days to finish everything, between just me and my partner -- both the lasagna, and a complementary spell recipe for a carrot cake cheesecake of love and prosperity, all the way back on May 18th. I had read a post by @elminx suggesting that it would be auspicious timing for that sort of work, so I had made kitchen witchcraft plans centering on that date. However, I feel as though I've been experiencing snowballing results ever since then, which culminated in a thoroughly incredible dinner and a movie date, at my place, exactly one month later! I won't enumerate all of the instances of good luck, unexpected gifts, and small amounts of surprise money that arose during that time-frame, for both my partner and myself, because there were far too many, and I wouldn't honestly be able to remember all of them anyway, but the dating results definitely have me believing in the power of lasagna. My self-love and confidence have been busily growing like weeds, and it really comes through in how many new connections I've begun building, and how many existing connections I've intensified, in the past thirty or so days. I've had an utterly ridiculous amount of casual hang-outs and birthday celebrations with existing friends, generally initiated by them, which involved loads of deep conversations and strengthening of bonds; my nesting partner and I have had even more break-through conversations, adorable moments, and awesome dates than usual; I had a fabulous board games night with a blossoming new friend, who was formerly my work-crush, which we plan to repeat as soon as possible, and during which we gifted each other fancy lotions (it wasn't a planned thing, but it's kind of funny that we both did that), I gave her a huge batch of chocolate-peanut-butter-self-love cookies, and she gave me several sets of rainbow earrings; I have a sudden abundance of unsolicited, but unusually cute, unusually respectful messages from thoughtful, interested parties on a kinky social network site; someone who I was very interested in, but who had ghosted me for a while, popped back up with a genuine apology and a reasonable explanation, and we're planning a first date as soon as our schedules align and the weather cooperates for a walk on the trails with their dogs; someone else I had been involved with forever ago, but fallen out of touch with, sprang back up in an unlikely place, although I've been too saturated to do anything about it; and, most importantly, I finally had my much postponed, but ultimately amazing movie date on Tuesday, following a ton of build-up. It went so well that I received perhaps my funniest and most flattering compliment from someone post-date -- amongst the other sweet things she said, during and afterwards, she added, "I may have at least one friend asking me to introduce you to her." Ha!

However, I think the results for my partner are the truly impressive ones, because while he's already attractive as hell on physical, emotional, and intellectual levels, it is hard to get in front of anyone on the dating apps, especially as a cisgender, straight-passing, polyamorous man with an existing partner. The Tinder algorithm odds just aren't stacked in his favour. Not only has he suddenly been getting matches, and into flirtatious conversations, but he had a wildly successful first date on Monday, they've planned a second date for next week, and he's planning on asking her for a third date the following week. I haven't met her -- of course! -- but she sounds so lovely and perfect for him, ahhh!

[7grandmel]

Todays rip: 25/01/2024

Too big, huh, my nuts are too big how about that

Season 3 Featured on: SiIvaGunner's Highest Quality Rips Volume A

Ripped by Grambam36, Twonko

Late last year, we received official confirmation that the Electronic Entertainment Expo, E3, was no more. The signs were everywhere, as they'd failed to hold any meaningful event past the pandemic and were fumbling even before then, yet it was still kind of sad to see the news spelled out officially - that the gaming community's Christmas Day was going away forever, in favor of the more condensed, streamlined, and in general a lot less charming Summer Games Fest. And yeah, the excitement for game reveals and trailers is still prominent with Keighley's shows, though a tool he may be, but...there was a sort of memetic energy to the E3 shows in particular, the per-company press conferences that were always subtly coated in delicious cringe, those are now effectively lost. Though the show may be lost, the memories remain - and I'll always remember just how fun each of the SiIvaGunner channel's per-show channel events were, from Season 1 to Season 4 Episode 1.

I did indeed cover a rip related to the E3 show once before on here, with Take Me Home, Country Snow - a rip focusing on the ever-memetic quality of Bethesda's Todd Howard. That's a well-spread joke in the gaming community, yet Too big, huh, my nuts are too big how about that focuses on far more of an in-joke, one finally meeting its natural endpoint after years of build-up: Ridley, before his debut in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate, being criticized as being far too big to be fit for the game's roster. "Bigley" became a minor meme on the Miiverse forums on Wii U/3DS, and it was just generally a very funny idea to spread about - that a character was simply too massive to ever possibly be able to be used in fighting.

It's likely that Too big, huh, my nuts are too big how about that wasn't even made with the intention of releasing after Ridley's reveal during Nintendo's 2018 E3 show, but withholding the rip to release it with the perfect timing just adds to the joke even further - the visuals of the rip present Ridley as the surprise new character, only to reveal that his character size is so astronomically big that the game literally cannot load him into a match. The rip's audio joke itself is initially based on a Season 1 classic, Vs. Meta Horat, mashing up Ridley's theme with The Nutshack theme, before taking on a very patently Twonko twist - you may recognize his name from Crompton Racing, and back when he was still with the channel he was one of the biggest proponents and contributors to making Jake Paul a recurring joke on the channel. The rip effectively turns into a - funny enough - BIGGER version of Vs. Meta Horat, still featuring The Nutshack prominently, but overriding it with It's Everyday Bro and other sources. Most notably, and funniest to me personally, is the line iconic to many Smash Bros. fans of the time before Ultimate's release - "RIDLEY'S BIG AS SHIT!".

I talked yesterday about the feeling of, admiring rips and media in general from a distance - that I'm able to love rips like Guilty Eyes Creeper despite holding no real attachment to the Love Live franchise or its music. Yet with clips from Shokio's old infamous Ridley discussion video, that voicebyte that was heard so often in so many hilarious contexts before even the release of Smash Bros. for Wii U/3DS, it does feel oh so rewarding to feel fully in-on-the-joke with Too big, huh, my nuts are too big how about that. The signature styles of the two rippers of course helps make it an immensely fun listen, but it really was just the comedic timing of the moment and execution of the joke that sealed the deal for this becoming one of my favorite 2018 rips.

[paddingtonfan69]

I recently just finished Kevin can f himself and let me just say, amazing fics. I am loving them. Would you ever possibly write more? And do you have any shows to watch after that bc I really need more good shows to watch

ahh thank you so much, always LOVE to see another kcfh fan in the world! criminally underrated show!! I don’t have any plans to write more for them at this specific moment, but you never know when inspiration can strike, allison and patty are truly so dear to me!

as for some other show recs, I feel like it’s very hard to match kevin can f himself’s freak, but here are recent shows that i’ve really loved, and that I feel like incorporate at least some elements of kcfh:

fantasmas — one of the most interesting shows format wise out there! its julio torres at his most julio torres, and the way it incorporates sketch comedy-like moments in a larger narrative is so clever and interesting, and also how the set design works within that format. if you like the deconstruction of a sitcom elements of kcfh, this is a great one! also genuinely so funny, so queer, so anti-capitalist in a way that i’m almost shocked it was made! just one season (so far)on hbo

somebody somewhere — again, very special and unique but more in the way that it centers non-romantic love in a truly beautiful way. I think “found family” is an overused phrase at times but the way this show incorporates blood family and chosen family is so beautiful and it makes me cry! also I love how it focuses on ppl in rural kansas, many who are queer, which is so refreshing to see!! get ppl out of new york and la!! three seasons (just ended booo) on hbo

hacks — a central relationship between two women that is toxic and codependent and full of a new kind of love for both of them??? oh baby this has it all, especially with a backdrop of comedy and entertainment and specifically women within in that, a dream! one of the funniest and best written shows in years! three season (and more upcoming tg) on max

hope these recs help and you check them out! also wow I am an hbo girlie through and through!