#// not me forgetting jinsol speaks Spanish ??

[duskterrace]

✉️🥀

tw: long ass post. ✉️ : LETTERS TO SANTA

Raffa,

Heads up this is kinda lame, but I was told to be honest so this is me, being honest for once.I don’t really know how to start or end these, so I guess I'll start with a quote that I read lately that reminded me of you. “meeting you was like listening to a song for the first time knowing it would be my favorite.” This one stood out to me for a while, and I couldn't quite figure out why. Maybe I wasn't exactly sure how to do that. Because it would mean that I would have to be honest with myself about how I felt about you. Because it would mean that the second I am honest, I'll have to let those harbored feelings go. And I can admit…I didn't want to let them go. No one really wants to give up on a crush they’re harboring deep within themselves. Sometimes because they’re afraid a small piece of them will break off along with the person sized chunk they tore out of their chest. Other times because there's always that residual feeling of hope that one day, just maybe, if you try hard enough, that person will find space in their heart for you too. But that's not the case for us. For me, I mean. To give some back story ( excuse any typos because my hands are starting to get shaky hah ), I met you through Noa and Jaehyun so many times and thought you were just… so, so cool. At first it was awe, like when you finally find someone you can look up to. Someone to aspire to be like. It wasn’t love at first sight, in fact I didn't feel anything past platonic feelings. But then, that one…weird night when I was at my lowest ( mentally ), you came to the rooftop while I was up there doing my ‘pretty dorky’ studies on planets. We both knew you were searching for Noa and happened to stumble on me but, you being the nice person you were, noticed i wasn't in the best mood and you stuck around. I don’t know what that night did to me, but despite it being below 60 degrees… I was oddly warm talking to you that night. I, a person so….detrimentally afraid of falling…fell so hard in less than 3 hours and it shook me to my core. Achilles and the words he said to Patroclus had nothing on the things I wanted to say to you. And what…made me fall so hard, you might ask? You made a dumb fucking joke about the stars, and your smile just….messed me up from then on. The stars themselves couldn’t compare to it. And the rasp within your deep laugh was like the knife i twisted within myself, because i knew i was genuinely…fucked. I started looking forward to seeing you around. I started, despite knowing that this –that feelings– never usually end well for me, started looking forward to simple interactions between us after that. At first just noticing that weird flutter in the pit of my stomach when you’d pop up, to full blown waiting for my next fix of you as if I was addicted to the butterflies you gave me. I’d cherish those fleeting occasional texts, the “ hey’s ” or nods in the hallway and the random tiktok’s you sent about…fuck knows, but they made me laugh. I…fuck, this is beyond embarrasing. Why did it have to be you? I don’t know why my heart skipped a beat when it came to you, and i can’t lie, i tried to will and pray the feeling away. But, you were like that karma I wasn't ready for. Your name furiously etched itself into my heart in a way that no one else’s ever had and before I realized it, before I could erase it to save myself from the doom that was welcoming me, it was practically tattooed there.

Don't get me wrong … I’ve had my rib cage broken into and left empty countless times. So I know the routine by now. It’s very fond of me, so I almost welcome it. Fall, break my own heart before anyone else can, tell myself it is what it is, give up on feelings for a bit, hyper-focus on my studies, meet someone again, rinse and repeat. Over and over. And I did that with you. Twice. Broke my own heart to give it some relief from being painfully aware you wouldn't see you the same way I saw you. But you’d come back with that dumb smile again and – oh how fast i’d realize i was putty in your hands. At some point, i was almost 100% sure I was just infatuated. And I probably was. I hopefully was just simply pining for you for superficial reasons but… whenever I sat down to sketch to just clear my mind, the only face that came to mind was yours. The way the sun catches the slope of your cheek, the deep grooves of your jaw, the crook in your smile, the warm undertone in your skin, and the shapes your mouth makes when you're yelling to a friend from across the common room. On countless occasions, I closed my eyes to imagine the personification of beauty itself, expecting to see Aphrodite and the only image behind those veils of black that I created–– the only thing that ever comes up–– is you. You and the way your lips round out to pronounce my name, the rich color of your eyes when light is reflecting in them, and how shadows will literally bend to your frame like my will bends to accommodate yours. I know it probably sounds weird to hear ‘one of your boys’ tell you this ... so I feel like I have to mention that it's been months since that day and I do everything in my power to distance us so that these feelings fade on their own. But there are those days where everyones hanging out and I can't just avoid you, and there it is again, the idea that maybe one day. We could be something. Simply because you sat next to me. Simply because you asked about the stars again. When I'm with you…it's so fucking weird. I get homesick for arms that have never held me. Arms that honestly, probably definitely never wanted to. Sometimes i feel like this is the curse that comes with my power. Not feeling like I'm enough in either gender. Not being able to be permanently female when I need to be, nor permanently male when it's asked of me. But… I think what I hate most about it–– or really, what I hate about myself–– is that if I could choose who I was and I had a shot with you? I know I’d do it 10 times over for a single chance to have you look at me the way you do her. And that’s not healthy. My powers always manifest as however i feel and lately when i'm with you, by default, i’m always….female. Almost as if I'm teetering between wanting to be what you like and being heartbroken knowing these actions to make you want me won't be permanent. I know it won't happen, but I can't help but…hold out hope. Anyway i’m just fucking around and wasting your time huh? I’ve bottled these feelings long enough to know that wishing for you would only make one of us happy, so the one thing I really want for Christmas is to see your smile for as long as I can. That and to q u i c k l y get over you because jesus fuck, man, this pining thing isn't a good look. I’d like at least a pinch of dignity in 2024. Um…so yeah. I think the hardest thing I'll ever do is walk away despite still being head over heels for you. So, despite the fallen tears slipping down the back of my hands as I write this. Despite every bit of my soul wishing to hold onto you for just a moment longer– for just a single milli-second longer. I think this letter is me giving you up, officially. Maybe… in another universe, or in another lifetime, there's space for you and me, but it’s not this one. You aren’t mine. And I have to make peace with that. Also– Feliz Navidad, btw. Heh, Duolingo coming in clutch, once again huh?

Sincerely, Nasa Nerd.

[ this letter was left in drafts. ]

🥀 : 3AM DRUNK TEXT

( ✉️ ) SMS → PA RAFFA THE RAPPA

delivered / 03:25 am ✓ › you caillou built assh bitch where tf is my phone i saw yu take it???

delivered / 03:30 am ✓ › i hope a roach crawls across yur forehead tonitghte 😒

delivered / 03:40 am ✓ › nvm i founfded it. my bad.