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Read this Twitter thread... (partly because Microsoft doesn't want you to.)

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ow. my bones

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beastie boys music is funny as hell one of them will say a line and then the other two will say a completely unrelated line

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Everybody thinks my neighbour is doing some sort of Nightmare Before Christmas thing every year, but really they just don't feel like doing two separate front yard displays for Hallowe'en and Christmas, so come November 1st they stick a Santa hat on the skeleton and call it a day.

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variations on "feel old yet" meme:

lying (overshooting): feel old yet? the first episode of spongebob aired 36 years ago

lying (undershooting): feel old yet? the first episode of spongebob aired 7 years ago

lying by a ridiculous amount (overshooting): feel old yet? the first episode of spongebob aired 900 years ago

lying by a ridiculous amount (undershooting): feel old yet? the first episode of spongebob aired 15 minutes ago

real date of event no one reading was alive for: feel old yet? the great san francisco earthquake happened 118 years ago

real date of event no one reading was alive for or cares about: feel old yet? prince frederick henry died 395 years ago

event no one reading was alive for and also lying: feel old yet? the great san francisco earthquake happened 4 years ago

event that did not happen: feel old yet? brian mulroney was assassinated 48 years ago

event that did not happen and even if it did this would be a lie: feel old yet? brian mulroney was assassinated 197 years ago

real date of event on a cosmological scale: feel old yet? the sun was formed 4,600,000,000 years ago

lying on a cosmological scale (undershooting): feel old yet? the sun was formed 12 years ago

lying on a cosmological scale (overshooting): feel old yet? the first episode of spongebob aired 12,000,000,000 years ago

real date of a personal anecdote that only you know or card about: feel old yet? i made a really good stir fry 5 years ago

reversal: feel young yet? frozen 3 is coming out in 3 years

reversal on a cosmological scale: feel young yet? the sun will collapse in 8,000,000,000 years

reversal (lying about event): feel young yet? the first episode of spongebob will air in 3 years

reversal (lying about time, overshooting): feel young yet? frozen 3 is coming out in 8,000,000,000 years

reversal (lying about time, undershooting): feel young yet? the sun will collapse in 3 years

reversal (lying about time, really undershooting): feel young yet? the sun will collapse in 12 minutes

real date of a recurring event that wasn't very long ago: feel old yet? halloween was 13 days ago

lying about recurring event: feel old yet? halloween was 10,000 years ago

reversal of recurring event: feel young yet? thursday is tomorrow

reversal of personal anecdote: feel young yet? my laundry is done in 52 minutes

real(?) date of a nonspecific event: feel old yet? something happened 2 years ago

lying about the reader (undershooting): feel old yet? you were born 5 years ago

lying about the reader (overshooting): feel old yet? you were born 650 years ago

making a reasonable guess about the reader: feel old yet? you were born 22 years ago

technically telling the truth about the reader: feel old yet? you were born between 0 and 120 years ago

threatening the reader: feel young yet? you will die in 7 days

non sequitur: feel old yet? half of all chameleon species on earth live in madagascar

non sequitur (lying): feel old yet? chameleons are immune to fire

lying on several levels: feel old yet? chameleons were invented 36 years ago

self-reference: feel old yet? i started writing this post 40 minutes ago

giving up: feel old yyet?th e emmenkr,tn dbw a 8 gn m hk\

i can't finish the joke someone else come up with a punchline: feel old yet?

declarative statement: you feel old.

subversive declarative statement: time isn't even real.

reference another meme: feel old yet? yeah. this is the beach that makes you old.

reference another meme specifically about injecting non sequiturs into long posts: feel old yet? the glue that lets you walk up and down anything was invented 36 years ago

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One of my dog's favourite games is "Chase." Rather than set down his toy so I can throw it for him, he instead bounds and frolics around me until I "chase" him. He loves this game, and he often "lets" me win when he wants the toy thrown again.

So imagine a monstrous creature that lives in the woods that border your house. It's been alone its whole life, knowing that every manner of animal and insect cowers and freezes when it approaches.

For weeks it watches you play with your dog in the garden. You both seem to be having such fun, and when the game is done you and your dog cuddle and kiss each other. Physical affection. Something this monster has never had.

It watches from the treeline as you say things like, "I see you hiding there!" And "here I come!" And "I'm comin' to getcha!" All while your dog bounces and trots away from you, until you inevitably catch him and he rewards you with puppy kisses.

It watches and thinks, here are two creatures, different in size and species, and yet they love each other so much. You are bigger than your dog, physically different, yet your dog adores you.

It watches and thinks, I am bigger and different than them, but perhaps I could be loved and kissed, too.

All it needs to do, it imagines, is play the same game. It practices making the sounds until it has them right. It can't wait to impress you. It can't wait to win your heart. It just has to play the game and say the right words.

I see you there. I'm coming to get you. Here I come.

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You're ok with abortion?

Only when it’s completely necessary, like when a woman is pregnant and doesn’t want to be anymore. 

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World Population : 7,810,521,683 

just in case somebody start feelin too important

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calling the cops on an unhoused person for being weird/rude/"scary" in public is so weird to me on such a fundamental level... like even before you get to political beliefs about jail and homelessness, you are beefing with a dude who has to live on the sidewalk. like sorry if he was rude to you dude sorry if he made you uncomfortable but to be fair he lives and sleeps on the fucking sidewalk. sorry if hes being too mentally unwell on the street late at night but like you gotta understand that he lives on the fucking sidewalk. sorry if he seems a little bit "off" today dude i think maybe its because he lives on the fucking goddamn sidewalk

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Guys 2014 is in two months

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[tumblr] is a beautiful website where all kinds of people come to diversify their echolalia

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can someone recommend some beginner normal behaviors for someone looking to become normal

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ok last thing. but what people fundamentally need to get through their heads is the significance of gaza fundraisers not being the same as like mutual aid when you're helping someone get groceries, because it is a genocide. there is insane deliberate scarcity and prices are unmanageable, because there is nowhere nearly enough for everyone, so only people who can pay can eat. and what positioning individual fundraisers as the only course of action does is quite simply give a tiny percentage of random people whose fundraisers take off the ability to pay those prices while thousands of others can't. and every one of those thousands of people without a fundraiser is suffering through the same inconceivably horrific reality. it is giving a few completely desperate people out of hundreds of thousands a slightly more favorable position in a horrific war economy of imposed scarcity. and what grassroots community kitchens do is try to mitigate in some small way that inconceivable hierarchy of who can pay and who can't, by stretching ingredients as far as they can last to cook meals at large scale and give them out at no cost. and obviously people are still going to send money to their friends and families because this is hell what else are we supposed to do but please just think about that before promoting endless individual fundraisers as somehow the most ethical way to help