#// he just hates soil souls with a damn passionate

[symphonicsoul]

⋯✧・♪♫♪・✧⋯ The nerve of this child. How dare he speak to him like this?! He wants royal decorum but he's going to stand there and accuse him of not caring?! He's going to be a brat and refuse to use his name simply of the principle of being petty?!

"You're lucky we've given you our names at all, lapsi!" He shouts at this arrogant human while he continues to trudge behind him.

"Misterican names are sacred so you should feel fortunate we even gave you half our names when you did nothing to earn them! And yes, I'm hung up on the name thing because not only did I tell you how I wanted to be addressed, you turned around and chose to be colorist instead. You can't call me Orange, there's two of us."

It makes him wonder if the child has met Valo yet and in turn that means Aamunkoitto as well. He can't see either of them being fond of this type of behavior, and he might care a little less about it if he was the only orange Misterican left but he's not and something about calling him strictly by color like a name feels so derogatory.

It's weird. He's been called names like Orangey and Orange Boy his whole life by friends and family and he never flinched but when a Soil Soul says it.... It's gross. It doesn't feel right. It makes his stomach upset.

Even if he told himself he's been called worse, he can't shake how much it pisses him off. Even when he tells himself to just ignore it.

When this arrogant soil born child says it -

Saying he doesn't care is the last straw. Saying he's only out here because he saw him leave is the bend in the wind that breaks him. The child didn't see the stunt he pulled back in town. Making his presence as the silencer known when there are wanted posters with his description on them posted every where.

He stuck his neck out for this kid and this soil bound brat can't even use his fucking name.

"Haista vittuun ylimielinen maasielu." (Fuck off you arrogant soil soul)

He's growling in a language much more comfortable as he glares the daggers at the back of a head of darkly colored hair. His anger flares to new levels while he feels mist rolling from his nose only to get caught within the filters of his mask before it can prove a threat.

"You're all the same. Soil Souls who think they're better than us just because we're Mist based. I am tired of you arrogant Soil Souls treating us like garbage just because you can. I came OUT HERE because I didn't want a child out in this hell alone when they didn't know how Wonderland functioned, but sure let's go with that. Say I don't care if it soothes your ego. I am getting you back to the Comodeen and that's it. And when we get there, stay away from my husband."

He can't hold back an annoyed groan when Orange mentions how he went about his little interrogation earlier. He knows he messed up. He doesn't need to be reminded of it. He doesn't plan on going about it that way again. Although he really wouldn't hesitate to go through with his threats, if he had to.

He swivels around, almost stumbles because of the sudden movement, and gives Orange a scowl. He's really caught up on this name issue, isn't he?

"I can say your name. It's just a matter if I want to, and as it turns out, I don't want to." Because he's being petty right now. Besides, Blue is fine with it. He seems to be anyway. "And I'm not telling you to 'drop your horns' to me. I am just pointing out a fact."

He turns back around and sighs, continuing to move ahead. He's unsure how to feel about Orange saying that he's there to make sure he doesn't die. He's silent for a little while as he thinks it over. Eventually he groans. He should probably be a little nice.

"I...do appreciate that you're trying to keep me alive and make it back. I can't die yet." He has to see Lan Fan one last time. Then he can die. "But we both know you aren't doing this because you care. You just happened to see me leave, that's it. If someone asked you to go out, would you? I don't think so. I'm just a random human in the grand scheme of things."

[emialawliet]

The mysteries of Wonder Egg Priority and some interesting things I found in it

Oh hi Acca. Wait is that a crack on your right lens?

One of the great things about WEP is that it is an original anime wherein we do not have any source material to check on its story thus we do not have a clue on what’s gonna happen next besides the things that happen in each episode. These are one of those animes which are fun to observe.

Plot Summary: Ai scores a “Wonder Egg” from a gachapon machine at a deserted arcade. But now when Ai falls asleep a girl emerges from her Wonder Egg, the worlds of dreams and reality begin to collide. And it’s all connected.

From the first episode, we have been given a huge amount of symbolism. Aside from the main subject of bullying and Ai’s guilt by pretending not to see it that cost her bestfriend’s life, there are a lot of other things that I noticed that seem to have a deeper meaning behind them or could be a hint to something. I’ll list these things one by one from the first 2 episodes..

This post is going to be quite a long one, so I’ll keep it minimal enough to just tickle your thoughts. And believe me, things got clearer to me as I am making this post.

The anime starts in a sort of a dream world.. or is it?

1) The firefly

In some cultures firefly may not have a positive reputation. But in Japan, where they are called "hotaru," they are beloved – a metaphor for passionate love in poetry since Man'you-shu (the 8th century anthology). -Namiko Abe @ thoughtco.com

Ai can be seen looking at a dead firefly. She seems caring for it and she even gave it a proper burial. Could this symbolize someone dear to her? Now let’s proceed..

2) person in the car

Is this a clue? I’ll remember that hair for some reason..

3) Ai’s conversation with the firefly and the Special Gacha Machine

firefly: What are you doing in a place like this?

Ai: Walking.

F: This late at night?

After burying the firefly, it suddenly came out the soil and spoke to Ai with a male voice. Their conversation seems to me like a suspicious man talking to an innocent girl in a place where a young one like her isn’t supposed to be..

F: The first time’s free. Next time bring your wallet.

This is one of the things commonly used to convince someone to try something they are usually not willing to for the first time. Like a free trial..

..and was then led somewhere underground where the “Special Gacha Machine” is located.

That’s a lotta eggs. What could this underground facility be? And here’s the Gacha Machine:

So that’s the thing in the poster.

Weird huh? But the next morning, Ai wakes up with the egg beside her..

4) The dream

..Or is it not entirely a dream? I mean the egg appearing beside her is one thing although it could be that the egg is just in her mind. But the thing that complicates things is the injuries she gets in real life, to the point where she and even Neiru needs to get hospitalized.

Ai asked why this (the whole dream she’s in) is happening to her and this is what Kurumi said:

“Nothing costs more than a free gift huh?” Indeed, life is priceless. But in this story, it is only free the first time. The second night, Ai paid a huge price. Could those injuries mean this?

“This is a dream to you, but to me it is reality.” -Kurumi Saijo

Ai will not die in this dream, as long as her eyes and heart are okay.

Did she really sneak at night twice? Since getting the Wonder Egg to saving Kurumi? In this scene we also see the teacher in full for the first time and I dunno about you guys but I think that hair is familiar..

The firefly even asked her this. We’ve seen Ai sneaking out at night but the things that follow are strange enough to happen in real life. Is it possible that what we're seeing is a mixture of Ai’s imagination and reality?

Something caused these injuries. Or is it Ai herself? Let us find out..

After saving Kurumi, a mysterious male voice said “Too bad, you only get saved. But you have to cheer up if you want your bestfriend back.”

She then asked this:

..but got no clear response. Of course we know the answer, Koito is not going back to life. but why does the voice demand her to do that? Not even the firefly could answer her clearly. But she continued to believe that this will get her bestfriend back. 

“If you can’t protect them, you won’t make it either.” -Firefly

“There’s no point going to save someone if she gets herself killed.” -Ura-Acca

Does they mean the guilt might kill her too? Does this imply suicide? Could this be a hint where Ai gets her injuries?

And Neiru asked her who she is fighting for.. Ai firmly said it was for Koito.

“You don’t like yourself now, so you go. You want to change the self you hate.” Well this could also be true for herself despite saying it’s for her sister whom she let die. How? We’ll soon know more about this I guess.. At the moment, we know that Neiru loves her current self. 

Ai hates herself for betraying her bestfriend. The first friend she ever had.

Koito probably asked her to film the bullying as evidence, but Ai was too scared of being left out. She wasn’t able to get a good shot, but Koito only smiled at her and knew she did her best.

5) The egg

From the title itself, the egg is a very prominent object in this anime. We still do not have a clear answer as to what it really represents, but according to the speaking firefly and Kurumi, it contains what a person wants the most, and in Ai’s case, it is a friend. She denies this to both of them but they both know it is the truth.

The eggs appear in different colors, with letters, numbers and symbols printed on them. Once cracked, it reveals a person. This is where we can relate the egg’s symbolism of life and creation. 

A mysterious male voice angrily told Ai to break the egg, and this is what he said afterwards:

Ai is “good” at it, huh. What could he probably mean I wonder..

It was later revealed that Kurumi is another sculpture, a “captured maiden” in a different world like Ai’s bestfriend Koito. This confirms that Kurumi is also dead, which leads me to think that the eggs are the souls of those who died from suicide or abuse. 

They couldn’t pass on unless the guilt of their friends stop holding them back. And this I think is also what’s happening to our MC Ai and Koito’s soul.

6) Kurumi Saijo

She wears a different uniform than Ai’s. A victim of bullying by 3 girls.

Like Ai, she also said she did not have any friends, just superficial ones.

And this could be hinting at the reason why she was bullied by those girls. She does have the looks. But these looks might be the reason why she had no real friends. And a boyfriend of this fake friend probably liked her and broke up with her fake friend which started the bullying. I smell jealousy.

In this dream, she found her resolve while saving Kurumi.

I gotta say though, the animation is impressive from start to finish. That button popping off has me goin “whoa they even thought of adding that bit.” And the explosion that followed.. oof.

After being saved by Ai, she asked Ai to not forget her and disappeared into dust. Was Kurumi able to finally pass on?

) Minami Suzuhara

Seriously, in this anime, adorable girls have no friends.

Damn her “trauma” is a ridiculous boob monster. 

She could have died due to over fatigue and stress from her coach’s verbal abuse.

Ai had another injury the following day.

) Ai’s enemies

The Seenoevils, a disorderly mob. In real life, they are the ones that pretend not to see the bullying, letting it happen and thus contribute to the damage being dealt to thee victim. And the form of the egg’s “traumas”, the Wonder Killer, which are the main cause who led the victims to their deaths. In the dream world, they do not attack Ai. But they can damage her, only for the effects to appear outside the dream.

Ai uses Kurumi’s pen as her first weapon, and Minami’s ribbon wand as the second.

Like Kurumi, after she was saved she also asked Ai to remember her before disappearing into dust.

) The teacher

Ai’s teacher seems really nice, going as far as to visit her and deliver the week’s print outs to their home. Ai must not be attending school for weeks..

We now know that Ai’s location is nearby their teacher’s home. Could he be the guy in the car then? We don’t have enough evidence of that as of yet.

In the second episode, Ai’s teacher visited again.

Now we see his face. He’s got a mole huh.

But why this question teach? 

So that’s his name. And why the special treatment?

Here we see him walk behind Koito and she follows..

) Acca & Ura-Akka

The most intriguing thing I found in the first ep..

After discovering the truth about Kurumi, Ai was led to the end of the underground tunnel and found these two strange dolls playing Go, a japanese traditional board game. One looks like a professional, and the other just casual. They introduced themselves as Acca and Ura-Acca.

Judging by that definition, these two dolls could be the same person. Let’s watch out for that.. Who could this person be? And what is his connection to Ai?

“Haste makes waste.” These two are worried about Neiru. They strongly advise on taking the process slow or else she might die. Is this person a therapist?

) Neiru Aonuma

Did I read that right.. VICE PRESIDENT?? I get the feeling her sister died caused by neglect from their parents because they were more focused on this Neiru who “loves herself”. She also seems to me like a foreigner. She speaks english quite well and we see the mom with a nice cute afro.

She was too greedy to get multiple eggs at once. She could have fought through an intense battle. Probably why she was put in the intensive care unit. 

She also does not know the fun of being in a friendship. But then she agrees on being friends with AI :) I am glad how Ai is starting to change too.

I am looking forward for these two’s friendship <3

And that’s about all the curious things I’ve gathered in the first 2 episodes.

I am definitely going to continue watching this series and witness the truth unfold. Until the next egg time!

[setoangel01-fanfiction]

Reunion - Chapter 1

Chapter 1 - Waiting

Rated: T

Fandom: Final Fantasy 7 Remake

Pairing: Zack Fair x Aerith Gainsborough (Zerith)

Summary: Zack has been missing for five years...and Aerith still waits.

.....

Fanfiction.net

AO3

.....

Zachary Fair had been gone for five years.

Five years.

Technically five years, two months and eleven days since she last saw him and the one phone call that got through hardly counted; it was a barely ten seconds filled with harsh static and Zack (sounding even more distracted than usual) telling her that it wasn't a good time to talk but he promised he'd visit her soon.

That was five years ago and Aerith was still waiting for him to fulfill that promise.

Without Zack, life felt gray, bleak; a lonely, stilted existence without his boisterous presence and exuberant smile… But it wasn't always like that.

The first few days, weeks, and even months after he departed, she was her normal cheerful self. Going about her day with a spring in her step, pushing her flower wagon to sell her wares, and giving everyone she passed a sweet smile that faded as the days went on. Yet for the longest time, she kept her demeanor hopeful even with the anxious fluttering in her chest while she waited for Zack's return.

That happiness and hope only lasted a year but even then, Zack's static silence was not horribly alarming yet because he said he'd be in an area with less than stellar reception and the year-long deployment wasn't guaranteed and could take longer.

So, she waited…

Time passed and her hope was slowly dwindling day by day than year by year but she still refused to lose it. Zack had promised after all and he'd never broken one yet!

So, Aerith did her best to stay positive (Zack was a complete optimist after all so why couldn't she be?). She'd valiantly keep her mind occupied by tending to her flowers, selling them, helping the people of the slums with the extra income that wasn't going toward her mother's bills or more stationary for the letters she wrote. Yet her fragile deck of cards was about to fall. It came in the form of the splintering sound of wood as the last of the three flower wagons Zack had made her shattered; broken into tiny pieces. Much like his promise to come back to her, it seemed.

All of her 23 tiny wishes ('I just want to spend more time with you') and all 89 letters she sent to him…but nothing came back…

Five long years and no call, no letters and no Zack (not the 19 year old one she remembered - he'd now be 24 - imagine that!) coming through her church doors, sweeping her into his muscular arms with a heartfelt apology from his lips and a promise that he'd never, ever leave her again. Aerith knew she'd cry upon seeing him even if she wasn't one to easily show tears, but she would for him. Then he would wipe them off her face with those oh so warm calloused hands, comfort her, hold her and tell her all kinds of believable excuses of why he was gone so long. Afterwards, things would happily go back to where they'd left off five years prior.

Aerith would demand penance for his absence, telling him to repair the flower carts that broke during his time away and he'd rub the back of his head and look admonished but smile crookedly and do it anyway. Zack would start working and while she'd fight a smile, one would pull at the corners of her lips at the absolute joy of simply seeing the familiar movement of his hands and merely bask in his magnetic presence - she'd missed him so damn much.

Later, while Zack is distracted by helping her transplant flowers, elbow deep in rich soil, she'd steal the opportunity to kiss the corner of his plush mouth (for what girl could help herself?). Zack would glance back at her with those glorious bright eyes, his tanned cheeks dusted with a coral tinge and she'd feel so wonderful that she was finally the one to make him blush this time. Then he'd smile so beautifully before leaning in to kiss her with such passion that never failed to take her breath away…

It seemed that all she had were daydreams anymore…

It got to the point that she would stare listlessly at the worn church doors in an almost daze for hours on end, emerald eyes blurring and head spinning in grief, that she would swear she'd watched Zack open and walk through those doors with his casual swagger and glittering smile.

Aerith would run to him, only for the Zack that looked so beautiful and and wonderful and solid and warm and right there, abruptly dissipate into dust before she could even reach him.

She'd collapse to her knees and sob until her stomach ached.

Hurt with the gnawing fear that she'd never again see the way the light caught his eyes and they sparkled like the most beautiful blue gems. How his lips would pull back and he'd showcase all of those pearly white teeth. How no matter what she was dealing with, Zack could always make her laugh even if was mostly at his expense. When in the circle of his arms, she felt as if nothing at all could go wrong simply because he was there…

And after all these years, she was starting to forget all of it.

Aerith didn't even remember the exact lilt of his voice - these memories she'd tried to hold on to just slowly and subconsciously dissipated from her mind like soil through the gaps in her fingers and it hurt. For if he never came back, she didn't even have anything to remember him by other than the broken flower carts, that silk dress he'd bought for her that didn't fit anymore (her mother called her a late bloomer), and the faded pink ribbon she religiously tied in her hair.

If it wasn't for these physical items, Aerith could almost believe he never even existed.

Zack always seemed a little too perfect; too handsome, too strong, too charismatic and too kind to be anything but a wishful figment of her imagination to push down the unbearable loneliness of her teenage years. How it seemed silly that a man so beautiful, magnetic and worldly could want anything to do with a lonely, quiet flower girl from the slums - much less be her boyfriend! Heck, he even fell through her ceiling and lived when that shouldn't be possible!

But after so many conversations with her mother, the people of the slums that Zack protected from monsters, and the orphaned children he'd enjoy helping whenever he could, still asked about him from time to time even after his five year absence. Their grief wasn't as deep as her own but Aerith took comfort in the fact that she wasn't alone in missing the SOLDIER who managed to positively affect so many lives without even knowing it.

Zack was real; he existed…but then where was he?

Aerith hated to think this way, but she wondered if perhaps he fell in love with someone else.

If Zack had gone and met some beautiful, wonderful woman (that was everything Aerith would never be) during his travels - she could live with that. As much as her heart cracked open at the thought of Zack completely forgetting about her and their two years together, that would be okay. If he just tossed her aside to instead marry someone that wasn't her and having kids that wouldn't have some of her features, Aerith accepted that.

Regardless of how his feelings for her changed, Aerith still loved him unconditionally and wanted the best for him…

It was far better than the alternative.

…because if Zack was dead…

Aerith forcefully shook her head of those horrid thoughts.

NO!

She refused to think about it - wouldn't go there today - her sleepless nights were already plagued with visions of him laying on a muddy cliff saturated with crimson, rain cascading over his bloodied face and broken, bullet-riddled chest. This once vibrant and energetic man lying so still on the ground and staring at the rainy clouds above him with eyes that held no life left. Even in nightmares; having to see those beautiful eyes that she loved so much, could gaze into happily for the rest of eternity, being completely devoid of life completely shattered her.

The mere suggestion that Aerith would ever have to live in a world where Zack simply didn't exist anymore - how this wonderful man who was so kind, filled with so much love and life, just snuffed out completely - it was too much for her heart to handle. So many of those nights, she'd woken up crying and screaming and have to wake up to the reality that Zack was still gone only made it that much worse.

Forcefully pushing those horrible thoughts aside, Aerith brushed her fingers off from the new batch of soil she tilled onto her soiled apron.

The flowers were expanding, her business of selling them growing day by day - all thanks to Zack - was steadily increasing. Instead of mere white and yellow, she had an abundance of vibrant colors and breeds filling the floor of the church. She was still amazed how it went from selling a single flower for a gil in her carts to doing business with local establishments regularly and she was happy to report that her mother didn't have to worry about having enough to pay the bills anymore.

Life was…comfortable and Midgar was slowly but surely filling out with flowers.

Aerith just desperately wished Zack was here to see it - selling them was his idea after all. She'd told him as much in her last letter…the one she claimed it would be the final one she'd ever send to him…

Clenching her fists against her lap, Aerith's mouth twisted and her vision blurred with tears.

Five years.

Five years in this never-ending limbo and it felt as if she was merely going through the motions of life anymore. Aerith knew realistically she couldn't wait forever for Zack… Aerith knew deep down to the marrow of her bones - her very soul - that she would never completely let go of him, never forget him or even get over him as her first (and so desperately wanted him to be her only) love. She wanted to know why he wasn't here, where he could be - just to know where and how he was - as much as it pained her, even to know for certain if he was de…

A single tear slipped down her cheek.

Perhaps it was time to close the chapter in this part of her life. To let Zack go like her mother told her for years now but Aerith continually refused even as hopeless as the situation became. Maybe she only wanted to know what happened to him to appease her mental sanity; finally grieve for the life she desperately wanted to share with him. And a deep sense of despair for the family that she'd never get to make with him…

To ultimately and finally grieve him…

In a perfect world, Zack would appear as if nothing happened, but as the planet continued to turn, it was becoming less of an option and she had at the very least, accept that.

For now, Aerith just wanted closure…whatever that meant.

Sighing, Aerith quickly wiped her forearm across her face, ignoring the trails of wet tears that greeted her. Instead, she turned back to her flowers, the only bright spot in her life anymore and continued mindlessly tilling the soil.

It was the sudden sound of heavy boots and the creaking wood outside of her church door that had Aerith tense up.

Immediately, she reached for the staff she had lying near her watering can before quickly standing up as silently as possible. While Aerith was more innocent than most slum girls, she was no stranger to drunkards and monsters finding their way inside her safe haven. Aerith had learned to fight out of necessity and the fact her SOLDIER hadn't been here for years and she couldn't rely on him to protect her anymore…maybe never again. If something attacked, she was on her own and she'd learned to handle herself well enough.

Pushing any distracting thoughts aside, Aerith waited and readied her Materia. She urgently watched the doors with a determined tilt to her brows and fists tightening over the metal in her palms. Heart hammering in question of who would bother her at this late hour or if it was just some drunk individual wanting refuge for the night.

Either way, she was about to find out.

The door loudly creaked open and the streetlight outside showcased two hunched figures at the doorway. Aerith readied her staff and prepared for them to make a move to attack, but before her Materia could be summoned, one of the figures (who seemed to be holding up the other) lifted their head.

The sudden flash of bright Mako blue eyes under stark black hair and a face she could never forget had absolutely everything in her world (probably her heart as well) completely stop.

Metal staff fell from shaking hands to the floor with a noisy clang as her legs buckled underneath her.

[forgottengun]

☞ . for @peacefulapostle [ 2/5 ] cause happy birthday paul; yee haw flavor.

it is a balmy summer night.

there is blood in his mouth and the preacher responsible is looking at him with WILD eyes.

issac knows devotion, it fuels his revenge and his desire for retaliation. he knows faith half as well, because wasn’t that what got him in this damn situation to begin with? having blind faith in a father that was there when it never counted then absent when it did. maybe that was where he was damned, having morgan blood in his veins and now issac cannot help but wonder if that made paul a little damned too with that same blood now on his hands.

“ damn you, issac, god damn you.”

whiskey made demons of them all, even a man as passionate as paul. it made sense now why james had come for him in a hurry. because who could dare to stand between the man and his own righteous fury when face to face with the killers at their feet. albright has frankie under an arm when he sees the moment something in the gentle preacher snaps. because issac has STOLEN from him the chance to become a killer by putting a bullet in each man without hesitation. his jaw aches, paul’s look hurts worse, and he spits blood to the side into the dust.

the world had devolved the moment the men at his feet uttered something in cruel laughter about how easy it was to string up those SEED brothers but lord how the sister squirmed. it happened quick as breathing, easy as it too. paul was amidst them, reaching for the gun georgie carried while the two were cornered by five large bodies. the preacher’s finger was on the trigger but james and issac were quicker, far more familiar with the ease that comes with killing often. georgie is the first to move, the first to grab paul and take her gun back from his hands only for him to shake her free and stare at issac with something close to hellfire. least he reckons that’s what it is, the way those blue eyes BURN with wild rage. the rest of the gang moves without being told, georgie taking the reins when issac spares her a nod.

it’s just them and the dead.

paul’s hand rises to strike him once more, his temper pure in that one blind moment. issac catches his wrist and steps over the bodies at their feet to slam the preacher back to the wall he’d been cornered. “ yeah? ” oh how his words hiss out, his gaze narrows, “ that your professional opinion then? ”

how he would take the rage and the hurt compared to letting paul dirty his hands with MURDER. issac would let the preacher damn his soul over and over if it meant never seeing him pull the trigger. his fingers are twisted up in black holy cloth and he can taste the whiskey on paul’s breath. forehead to forehead, issac looks over those lips and watches the way that tongue darts out between panting breathes. paul grabs him just as fiercely, just as rough. they are twined together pressed in rage and nameless tension against the worn wood panels of the general store.

“ damn you. ”

paul’s words are sweet damnation, a test of issac’s devotion in the way those fingers dig in his nape and hot tears wet his tongue when their lips crash together. there is the sweetest of whiskey on his tongue and the tang of copper as blood stains those trembling lips anew. maybe he has soiled him, ruined him, by loving him so fiercely. either way, issac gathers paul into his arms and whistles for jenny grey. it is by some miracle they leave down unnoticed, georgie and the others no doubt returning to camp leaving the pair of them amidst the wildflowers and long grass. issac tossed him to the ground but he knows paul can take it, the slight bite of earth, as he tosses his hat to the side.

skin meets skin, his cheek stings from a slap, before issac catches his wrist and drags him in closer. those blue eyes are red-rimmed and his chest shudders with his rabbit quick heart. the preacher looks so vulnerable down amongst the wildflowers of blue and white, his hair fanned out like a halo through the grass. all that rage is more than merely losing a trail to some kind of absolution, it’s dangerously familiar. issac follows paul down into the grass and the flowers, breathing in their syrupy sweetness with one hand holding those wrists and the other curled round his nape possessive. just to get him to look at him, to get that rage focused on him where he can devour it slow and patient.

georgie couldn’t have known the demons lurking under pain, their ugly fangs bared at issac now as paul pushes up and bites his lips. god help him, when he eases off his grip and lets paul rage against him, lets him claw and rip fabric and leather alike off his body, he just falls a little deeper. the preacher’s hands are twisting against his skin, pulling and pushing in desperation as issac’s teeth work fresh claims across paul’s hammering pulse. “ i wish i could HATE you, ” paul sighs, a whine edging his voice as issac’s hands gentle and he takes his time. a brief sigh slips free and there’s a fond sort of look spared for the preacher caught beneath him.

“ i ain’t letting you become a damn outlaw on your birthday. even for your brothers. ”

oh there is that wildfire again and issac braces himself, only paul’s brows draw tight together as that whiskey works slow coaxing tears from those glassy blue eyes. somehow this hurts so much more than being struck in the face. issac’s fingers wipe the tears slowly and his features soften when he sees paul beginning to lean into the brief touch. “ i know you love ‘em paul, but i get the feeling they wouldn’t want you walkin’ down that path. ” fresh tears leave issac’s fingers wet and he kisses them slow from the preacher’s face. the violence in their veins bleeds out in tandem with their hearts and when paul’s fingers twist into wild blonde hair, he leans into him breathing life off his lips.

issac gives his confession on paul’s skin, wrapped up in the weight of his arms and bathed in moonlight. it is almost sacred, seeing the preacher laid out, spread wide and welcoming, slick with sweat with bluebells and baby’s breath along his skin. there is forgiveness in those hands that reach for him and issac presses a kiss at a palm as he yanks free paul’s belt.

[thefragileblackdahlia]

Are You There, God? It’s Me, Dean Winchester: Part One

Chapter Summary: Sam and Dean are stunned when the spirits of Meg and Agent Henricksen appear. Ariel has flashbacks of Lucifer with the Mark and also pays the price for doing the right thing.

Ariel centric episode.

Pairing(s): Eventual Dean x Archangel!OFC, Castiel x sister!Ariel, Kindred Spirit!MOC!Lucifer x Ariel

Warning(s): Typical Supernatural violence, Mild Language, Dark thoughts, Self-loathing

A/N: I'm glad that people are liking my style of writing. I don't do much all day so the episodes are gonna come out faster than planned. I am excited about this as much as everyone else. Sam's storyline in season 4 isn't really interesting to me. I hate it but I will include some parts, I promise. Beta'd by no one so if there are any errors I'm sorry.

Word count: 2,838

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The wind whisked past Ariel's face, her red locks swaying along with the breeze. She wriggled her toes in the moist soil, taking a few steps toward the sun that settled on the horizon. Her sunkissed skin radiated beauty and vigor, the pink dress adding a touch of hierarchy and femininity. Poppies brushed against her ankles as the wind blew again. This was her heaven, a vast field of poppy flowers, no end in sight.

She inhaled a considerable amount of air before sighing softly. The archangel shut her eyes as she sensed the presence behind her, Castiel.

"Cassie." She teased whilst pivoting on her heel to face the combatant. She frowned once she realized that he wore a pained expression.

"If you are worried about the Rising of the Witnesses...I have faith Dean Winchester will put an end to it." She stated matter of factly as she walked past him.

"I wasn't sure if you knew, you've been told to keep an eye on the Winchesters. I know, after our learning about Lilith's activities, you seemed uncomfortable." He stated as he closed his eyes, remembering the last time the Cage was mentioned.

"If this has anything to do with that, Castiel, my answer will never change. I am fine. Now stop asking me. It happened eons ago, it doesn't trouble me..." She hesitated, looking off into the distance. "not anymore." Ariel said in a hushed whisper.

If she had to be honest, the whole situation had been stressful for her. She was too close to this, being Lucifer's closest sibling besides Michael wasn't enough. NO, father had to go and 'experiment with kindred spirits' He said. Ariel didn't hate Lucifer, well before he went evil. He was enjoyable, eccentric and cared a great deal about affection, but that was before the mark had corrupted him completely.

Lucifer and Ariel sat in the observation room, gazing at the stars and black holes. It was quiet, still, and only the two of them as the others were off elsewhere helping Father. By then, Lucifer already donned the mark but he meant no harm, right? The nefarious actions started small.

"What do you think of me?" The male asked, his fingers grazing over her dainty ones.

Ariel's eyes darted from the supernova forming to her older brother. What kind of question was that? Is he feeling self-conscious or is he just curious? When she thought of Lucifer, she thought of the good in him as well as his handsomeness. She thought of his warm fingers and pink wings which only reminded her of her own. She felt close to him. Like he was,

"Home." She hummed whilst enveloping his fingers in her own. The naive Angel flashed him a soft smile before returning her eyes to the spectacle in front of her. Little did she know, Lucifer had different thoughts. The mark screaming in his head, coercing him to commit horrible acts.

Once she gripped his fingers, he knew he couldn't control much of himself anymore.

He merely desired to take his arch blade and force it through her skull, to feel the warmth and wetness of the blood trickly down his fingers. He needed to wind her soft, red hair around his fist and corrupt her. He craved so much more and the thoughts echoed in his mind, crescendoing the longer they held hands.

He yanked his hand away like he was burned.

"Don't," He uttered, pain in his heart once he realized he could have just killed her without a second thought if a second longer had passed. He drew his knees to his chest and rubbed his thumb over the mark. He hated his father, how could he give him suck a mark. This horrible mark, slowly corrupting him, changing him.

"Is it bothering you? I could bear the mark if the task is too much." Ariel could sense the mark corrupting him but that didn't keep her away. Lucifer understood why she couldn't keep away which only made him want to butcher her more if he only could just bring himself to do it.

Ariel tried her best to help Lucifer fight the mark but soon, her hope would die out, driving the two apart.

Castiel noticed her pause as if her mind was off in another world. After Lucifer's fall, her remaining brothers grew cold, distant and the only angel Ariel genuinely liked was, Castiel. He was 'wired differently' or at least that's what most angels said about him. He came off the factory belt wrong, maybe it was on purpose but Ariel didn't care, they said the same about her.

'Damnit' Castiel thought. The disgruntled angel made his way over to his older sister,

"Ariel, we have work to do." He couldn't show compassion or understand it but he knew something was wrong. He placed a hand on her shoulder, watching her flinch. The celestial being gazed into her eyes, seeing no light or hope. She was lost.

"The seals, Rising of the Witnesses." He continued, hoping to coax her out of her fugue state. "It will be all right." Castiel demanded her attention, gripping her shoulder tight.

That phrase, she disliked what it did to her. It forced her to relax. The same phrase Michael prayed to her before casting the only person that cared about her, out of heaven.

"Yes, let's go." She murmured and with a strong flap of their wings they were in Bobby's kitchen, the humans unaware. They arrived just as the three were talking about them.

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Sam ridiculed his brother, "Well, then tell me what else it could have been." He brought his hands to his head, massaging the bridge of his nose.

Dean paced the kitchen slowly, a hand on his hip as he responded. "Look, all I know is I was not groped by angels. Which, one is named after a Disney princess. I mean she even has the red hair."

"Okay, look, Dean." Sam retorted, "Why do you think this Ariel would lie to you about it?"

Dean held out his hands in defiance, "Maybe she's some kind of demon. Like uh... Like Lilith. Demons lie." He turned away from his brother, curling and uncurling his fingers.

"Demons who are immune to salt rounds and devil's traps...And Ruby's knife?" The more Sam talked the higher his pitch went. Sam motioned with his hands, "Dean, Lilith is scared of that thing!"

Dean shifted to face his brother, annoyance written all over his face as he rested against the kitchen counter. "Don't you think that if angels were real, that some hunter somewhere would have seen one...at some point... ever?"

Sam licked his lips and scoffed, "Yeah," He nodded. "You just did, Dean."

"I'm trying to come up with a theory here. Okay? Work with me." Dean argued as he gestured to himself.

"Dean, we have a theory." Sam huffed.

"Yeah, one with a little less fairy dust and Disney magic on it, please." Dean countered, pushing himself up off the counter and inching closer to Sam.

"Okay, look. I'm not saying we know for sure. I'm just saying that I think we-" Dean instantly cut Sam off.

"Okay, Okay. That's the point. We don't know for sure, so I'm not gonna believe that this thing is a freaking Angel of the Lord because it says so!" Dean boomed.

Bobby interrupted their passionate debate, "You two chuckleheads want to keep arguing religion, or do you want to come take a look at this?"

Dean peeped at Sam, letting out a small breath before rolling his eyes subtly and walking over to Bobby's desk, Sam followed reluctantly.

"I got stacks of lore-- Biblical, pre-Biblical. Some of it's in damn cuneiform. It all says an angel can snatch a soul from the pit." Bobby informed as he pointed to the picture of the angel holding a human and bringing it from the darkness into the light.

Dean subtly laid a hand on his right shoulder over the small handprint. "What else?" He asked, still in denial.

"What else, what?"

"What else could do it?" Dean articulated.

"Airlift your ass out of the hot box? As far as I can tell, nothing." Bobby elucidated.

Sam beamed, "Dean, this is good news."

"How?"

"Because for once, this isn't just another round of demon crap." Sam took a breath, "I mean, maybe you were saved by one of the good guys, you know?"

"Okay. Say it's true. Say there are angels. Then what? There's a God?" Dean derided.

"At this point, Vegas money's on yeah." Bobby joined.

"I don't know, guys," Dean said and waved his hand dismissively when he turned to step away. He let out a low sigh and scratched his head. He wanted to believe, he did, but something didn't feel right.

"Okay, look. I know you're not all choirboy about this stuff, but this is becoming less and less about faith and more and more about proof." Sam presented.

"Proof?" Dean asked, pivoting and wandering back to the desk.

"Yes." Sam asserted.

"Proof that there's a God out there that actually gives a crap about me personally?" Dean snapped, "I'm sorry, but I'm not buying it."

"Why not?"

Dean looked to Bobby, a distant look in his eyes before he answered, "Because why me?" He delayed, "If there is a God out there, why would he give a crap about me?!"

"Dean-" Sam started.

"I mean, I've saved some people, okay? I figured that made up for the- for the stealing and the- the ditching chicks. But do I deserve to get saved? I'm just a regular guy." Dean fought.

"Apparently, you're a regular guy that's important to the man upstairs." Sam clarified.

There was a slight pause as the three hunters stared at each other, waiting for anyone to say something. Dean looked to Bobby, then Sam with a sheepish look on his face.

"Well, that creeps me out. I- I mean I don't like getting singled out at birthday parties, much less by...God."

Sam folded his arms over his chest and shifted his weight, "Okay, well, too bad, Dean, because I think he wants you to strap on your party hat." Sam simplified with a single nod.

Dean brought his hand to his mouth and then sighed. He inspected Bobby who gave him the bitch-face as if the solution was obvious. Dean averted his gaze, his nerves going off the rails but he kept it hidden. The 30-year-old cleared his throat,

"All right. What do we know about angels?" He gave in.

Sam slowly turned his head to Bobby because he had no clue what angels were like.

Bobby stretched his arms, lifting the five books he had sitting on his desk and presenting them to Dean.

"Start reading." Bobby half-joked.

Dean stared at the pile of books with a dumbfounded expression. He twisted and pointed at Sam, "You're gonna get me some pie." He snatched the first book from the pile and went into the kitchen and begrudgingly sat at the desk stacked with lore books.

Ariel rested on the desk with her legs crossed at the ankles, the lore books phasing through her lower half as Dean placed them down. She curiously watched Dean as he sat in the chair, obviously shaken up. He gripped the sides of the chair, scooting it forward and closer to the desk. The crabby hunter dropped the book down on the desk and perched his elbows to help hold up his head.

'Why me?' He thought, raking his fingers through his sandy brown hair. He dragged his hands down his face, pulling at his cheeks. Dean let out a long and heavy sigh before picking up the angel lore book and starting from page one.

"He is so troubled." Ariel cooed.

"He has been through a lot," Castiel replied from the other side of the room, gazing intently at all the papers on the wall in Bobby's office.

Observing humans wasn't always his favorite but it was he needed to make sure his sister would be fine.

Ariel chose not to respond and instead just observed Dean's mannerisms. She lingered for a while, uncrossing her legs whilst she leaned back and rested her hands on the desk. In her seated position, she rotated her head trying to relieve pressure. She closed her eyes as she took a deep breath, her neck exposed.

Castiel broke their silence by clearing his throat, "What do you think of Dean Winchester?" He inquired, walking over to the next paper.

Ariel leaped from the table, "The poster boy for humanity." She peeped at Dean when she spoke. "He's in constant pain." She continued with a sad look in her eyes.

"I see." He replied, mouth still agape as if he had more to say but he just buried his hands deep into his trenchcoat pockets.

The sound of Bobby talking on the phone was drowned out like there was a wall of water between them. Ariel could make out what was being said, she already knew what had happened. She and Castiel watched as Bobby and Dean exit the house and walk toward the garage, gathering supplies and packing it in Bobby's car.

Ariel hummed softly as she studied a page that was left open on Dean's desk. On it resided a painted representation of the Garden. Her humming stopped abruptly. She gazed at the illustration, panic filling her eyes.

"Luci, please stop...Not in the Garden!" Ariel whimpered. She brought her hands up to protect herself from her corrupted brother.

"They are nothing, Ariel! Why do you care so much for them?! Don't you care about how I feel?! I care about you, Father only cares about what you can do for him." Lucifer bellowed, snatching her wrists in his hands. He yanked her into the foliage and then slammed her body face front, against a tree.

She yelped as her head banged against the tree with full force. She shut her eyes tightly, shaking her head as blood trickled down her forehead and in between her furrowed brows.

"You won't join me. You weren't made to obey. You were born to rebel. Why can't you understand you won't be happy here, with them. Rebel with me, We can watch the stars together, for eternity." He growled, tightening his hold on her wrist with most of his strength. The corrupted Lucifer, using his weight and strength to keep her sandwiched between him and the tree. Of course, Ariel was very powerful but wasn't enough to overpower a mark baring Lucifer.

"Please, Lucifer...this isn't you." The angel murmured, her body quivering with dread as her wings were at an uncomfortable angle and she was now being harassed by her once beloved brother.

Lucifer contemplated, he already was halfway there, the rest would be easy. All he needed to do was draw his arch blade and shove it into her skull. The twisted man drew his blade pressing only the tip against her nape. He dragged it across her skin struggling with himself and fighting the mark as best he could.

"No..." He breathed, before letting her go. He disappeared with a flap of his wings.

THUD! Ariel was pulled out of her episodic flashback. Her icy cerulean orbs met Castiel's ocean blues.

Castiel "I've been saying your name more than I should. I have been called to battle-"

"I'm staying, I'll be fine." Ariel said gently as she exited the house, following after Dean and Bobby.

The low rumble of the impala caught everyone's attention as it pulled into the driveway.

Ariel furrowed her brows as her eyes rested on Sam. Sam's aura, with what used to be a bright, white, hot glow was now dimmed, only slightly. Not good.

Bobby approached the car window, leaning over. "Keep the engine running." He commanded.

"Why? What's going on?" Sam caught a glimpse of Dean packing something in Bobby's trunk.

"I got a friend one state over-- Olivia Lowry. I've been trying to reach her for three days on this angel thing. It's not like her to ignore this many calls." Bobby informed.

"Olivia Lowry -- a hunter, right?" Sam questioned.

"Yeah. We're gonna go check on her. You guys follow me." Bobby confirmed, tapping on the door as he turned to walk back to his car.

Dean came up the driver's side and opened the door, "Scoot over." He fussed and Sam did as told whilst handing the bag of food to his older brother. Dean settled into the car, shutting the door and snatching the bag. He rummaged through it, searching for the pie.

"Dude?"

"Yeah?" Sam answered. Dean looked at Sam with a dumbfounded expression, "Wheres the pie?"

"Still at the store." She snickered to herself, appearing the back of the Impala. Ariel paid no mind to the angel and with a wave of her hand, she sent him back to where he needed to be.

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[inevitableshott-aa]

So I got some thoughts and changes and just so many feelings over the Epilogue of Purple Haze Feedback and--god.

SPOILERS?

yeah enjoy my long rambling

Like let me start off on how Mista’s view of Giorno was pre-ending:

Mista saw Giorno as a good luck charm. Someone to bring good fortune toward the group. This is shown by how quickly Mista is willing to give Girono a chance. A part of this mentality is “Hey I was the new guy too. Let me cut this kid a break.” another, he states himself in the series:

Off the bat, it’s a good start to a good friendship. My interpretation of Mista the gang, Buccellati/Abbachio/Fugo/Narancia, are his first friends since childhood. “Friendly, but not a friend.” is how I personally see and do Mista. So Since Buccellati brought Giorno end, thinking it was same pretense as himself and others Giorno being a lost soul needed a place to belong, Mista was trusting. 

Little did Mista know Giorno didn’t join with the noblest of intentions. Ha. Noble. You get me.

We all hate to admit it but Giorno used the gang. Used them to climb up to get to the boss. True, along the way they started to care for each other but did the point stands. 

Over the course of the series, the two began to grow closer. Relying on each other, trusting one another, and I legitimately believe Mista saw Giorno as a friend and Giorno began to feel the same. 

Now, before I read the Epilogue:

Mista cherishes Giorno. He’s the last thread to the gang and the only one who survived. Who saved him over and over again. Mista is willing to follow Giorno straight to hell in this undying loyalty Mista just has. He cares for his well being not just as an Underboss but as a friend. 

And despite how many may feel about GioMis I saw the possibility in the ship. Their chemistry was organic and believable.  

But after reading the Epilogue:

God fucking dammit that is powerful.

Mista doesn’t just pull his gun out as a threat. No time in the series does he ever point and not shoot. Point and not intend to harm. The only times he’s ever now shot and threatens was during Rolling Stones and now with Giorno in a moment of heightened emotions and rage. 

He’s utterly upset. Angry. 

The mood was hot like a flame and cold like water at the same time.

Mista is burning with rage, betrayal, and such raw passion.

Giorno is cold with no connection, unaffected by what can’t be changed and purely logical. 

That is pure poetry. Perfectly describing both parties so flawlessly. 

This is a betrayal. All this time, all these feelings, while both bloomed into a genuine friendship the foundation was rotted, false, manipulative foundation.

Giorno wouldn’t have died. GER would have killed Mista. I think Giorno knew that if Mista pulled the trigger they would both lose. Mista his life, Giorno the only person he considered the only true companion he has left. So he manipulates on Mista’s paranoia.

Side note what I love and fucking adore that made me hollar was Mista’s response: 

Don’t look down on me.

Don’t look down on me.

Don’t look down on me.

This entire passage fucked me over but that ‘Don’t look down on me’ like ‘Don’t use what I believe as a shield to protect yourself I will still put a bullet in your head’ 

He then spins it to make sense to him. At the god damn end Mista shows and tell Giorno who he is still undyingly loyal to. Not Girono but Buccellati. 

His view on Giorno has changed. Just like the rotting soil the flower as curled and twisted into rot. 

And that’s how Underboss Mista is now. The right-hand man was born.

Now how I view Underboss Mista and Don Giorno:

Professional. Strickly. A friendship that is twisted with lies and hollow feelings. Mista can’t view Giorno in a positive light. But still, Giorno is all he has. Not a friend. A leader. He wants to see this dream fulfilled. What will the end be? Will he stay true to his word or will Mista finally draw his gun toward the man who changed his entire life to avenge the man who changed his existence for the better? 

Vengance for Abbachio, Narancia, Buccellati and Fugo. 

Much like how Mista deals with many emotions it’s shoved out of sight and out of mind. Until Giorno lies to him for the last time.

Safe to say, speaking of GioMis, I can’t even fathom the ship. I can’t see Mista having any romantic intentions toward Giorno after everything let alone a friendship.

I’m so excited to RP with Giorno’s to explore this new Giorno and Mista dynamic. 

[itsadrizzit]

Happy Birthday to the man who probably saved my life (an ode to Bright Eyes)

14 February on this blog is Christian Eriksen day, but on 15 February we turn to another hugely important figure in my life. Someone who I feel like I’ve known on a deep spiritual level for close to half my life, just via his music, Someone who always knows the right thing to say and exactly what I need to hear.

Do you ever think sometimes that there’s someone out there in the world who you’ve maybe never met (or maybe you have, but not until you were well along your journeys) but somehow they seem to be living a parallel life? They bring the deepest parts of themselves out in their art and it’s exactly the art you would be creating if you knew how to create that art, because those are also the deepest, most raw parts of your soul?

Because I do. Ordinarily, I wouldn’t. I’d say that’s not real or you’re projecting or, in my younger days, that you were speaking twelve kinds of bullshit. EXCEPT! that I have had this person in my life. Different lives and different experiences and different places and different cultures, but at the same time I have never felt so understood by another human being, be it a friend or a complete stranger, than I have by Conor Oberst. And I will always love him for that.

So. Happy Conor Oberst day, friends. As is the tradition, I spent the day working my way through his music catalogue from early days onward. He’s so prolific that I didn’t even include side projects like Desaparecidos or Mystic Valley Band or Monsters of Folk and I didn’t even make it to any of his solo work, so this is Bright Eyes focused, which is fine, because Bright Eyes is the way I love Conor Best.

Behind the cut... a walk through life (mine and Conor’s running in parallel), time, and sound featuring my favourite songs from each album (arbitrarily selected by what felt right at this moment). Now that I am creating my own art, I can see Conor’s influence everywhere in the way I shape my thoughts, my imaginings, and my worldview, and I think that’s the best gift anyone could ever have given me.

First. A Collection of Songs Written and Recorded 1995–1997. 

This is just... when I think about what I was doing from 1995 - 1997 it just... doesn’t even come close to this. Conor was age 15 - 17 at this point. This was all recorded on hi-fi equipment and a four track in his parents’ basement and it’s just... LEVELS above anything 99% of people produce at that age under those conditions. It blows me away. It blows me away and, as we’ve established, when I think about my life at that time, at ages 15 - 17 it just... it’s this. I didn’t know Conor yet, but I wish I had because the idea of someone else GETTING IT the way that he gets it would have made a world of difference to me at that age.

I mean... we have to go with this one. There’s another version of this on a different album, but.... this is the original and the best.

Feb 15 (Happy Birthday to Me) - Links to YouTube

If I had to pick a favourite lyric, I guess it’s this:

I'm sorry about the phone call / And waking you / I know that it's late / But thank you for talking / Cause I needed to / Yeah, some things just can't wait

Second... Letting Off the Happiness

This is the first Bright Eyes album to be produced by Mike Mogis (a man Conor likes to refer to as the Dr, Dre of indie rock, because he has become known as THE producer among certain circles). It’s not a studio album, still having largely been recorded in people’s basements, but this is really the first time we hear Bright Eyes becoming Bright Eyes. And also just... the FEELINGS being conveyed on this album. Once again, I wish I’d had this when it came out in 1998 because damn didn’t I need it.

Musically, this isn’t my favourite song, but lyrically... like... damn if that wasn’t my whole entire life in 1998, seriously.

If Winter Ends - Links to YouTube

Favourite lyrics like... damn if it isn’t the whole song. But as I think back on 1998 me and what she was working through and working with and everything new and trying to fit in and figure out what the fuck was even going on in life and what she needed to do to please everyone or even just SOMEONE just one time... this line rises to the top:

Just get me out of here / But you get six months to adapt / And you get two more to leave town / In the event that you do adapt /  We still might not want you around

Third... we finally get into the studio albums. The albums I love. The time when I found Bright Eyes or Bright Eyes found me or whatever. I love them so much that in 2015 as a gift to myself, despite owning all these albums digitally, on CD, and some of them on vinyl, I bought this:

That, friends, is ELEVEN OF THE MOST DEFINING YEARS OF MY LIFE commemorated on fancy, coloured vinyl.

We begin with...  Fevers and Mirrors

Of all the studio albums, this has slowly grown to be one of my least favourites. That said... there are still moments when I listen to this that I get chills. There are these moments of pure, raw, powerful emotion that I just can’t help but stop what I’m doing and sing along and feel and live and love. My c.a. 2000 self was figuring a lot of things out. She was learning who SHE was versus who she thought everyone else wanted her to be. She was turning into the give no fucks girl she would be in a few years and still is now and Conor helped her do that and I love her and I love him for it.

 Hands down my favourite song is this one:

Arienette - Links to YouTube

As for lyrics... ooooffff I will randomly select some for you, I guess.

So don't leave me here with only mirrors watching me / This house, it holds nothing but the memories / And the moon, it leaves silver but never sleep

Fourth... Lifted or The Story Is in the Soil, Keep Your Ear to the Ground 

My favourite Bright Eyes album. Out of all of them. My favourite. 2002 and I was angry at everything and Conor was angry at everything. I was a mess, and so was he. 2002 - 2005 were... important years on my journey. I miss them. I miss that girl. I sometimes think I want her back, but no. I don’t. She had fun, but it was all artificially created, chemically created fun. Without it... without it everything was darkness and anger and sadness and crippling feelings of ABJECT FAILURE. At everything. That girl, she had friends and they loved her, but she didn’t understand that. She had lovers and partners and none of them loved her, but she didn’t understand that. She lived and breathed music, every moment of every day. She made choices (good and bad... mostly bad) that made me who I am today. I wouldn’t be me without her, but because of her I sometimes wondered if I would ever be here. And I wonder what she would think of us now. Would she love this life of stability and security and contentment, or would she hate me for “selling out”, for being boring and old and “too settled”? I think she would hate the idea, but as that girl 17 years later, I can tell you that yeah, sometimes she still hates it, but also whenever she tries to live her old life, she retreats back into her boring life of stability and solitude. I love that girl, and I’m glad she’s still in her me with her defiance and her fire and her passions and her constant quest for something beautiful in the world. I’m not sure if she ever found the one she was looking for, but she sure can see more of it in more places now than she could back then.

Anyway, I love this whole album, but there has never been a question as to which was my favourite:

Let’s Not Shit Ourselves (To Love And To Be Loved) - Links to YouTube

I mean, even the title basically sums up where I was in life in 2002. Aside from the fact that the scathing political commentary at the end of this song is STILL HORRIFYINGLY ACCURATE, there’s just so much in here that once again I’m like... Conor are we living the same life? Are we?

Particularly resonant lyrics both now and back then:

And so I've learned to retreat at the first sign of danger / I mean, why wait around, if it's just to surrender? / An ambition, I've found, can lead only to failure / I do not read the reviews, no, I am not singin' for you

FIFTH (I skipped the Christmas Album).  I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning

The album that was always my second favourite, and maybe still is. I think it’s the most popular one. The one that sort of launched Bright Eyes full force into the sphere of the indie rock scenesters. It’s their first trend towards a more mature sound. His calmest sounding album. Introspective and thoughtful, but still angry. Bringing in really big name people to collaborate. The production values higher and the budget bigger. Conor having moved from Omaha to New York and bringing with him all those big city sounds and ideas and feelings. This is honestly a GREAT album front to back. Absolutely fantastic. It gets political, it goes deep, it doesn’t pull back. Everything poignant and resonant and tinged with that particular Conor Oberst melancholy that I, too, carried with me throughout life.

This is the album with the most lyrics that at the time, and still do to this day, made me stand up and yell YES, CONOR, THAT!

A sampling, before we get to my favourite:

“We must memorise nine numbers and deny we have a soul.”

“We might die from medication, but we sure killed all the pain.”

“What seems so simple in the moonlight by the morning never is.”

“If I don’t come back, I mean if I get sidetracked, it’s only ‘cause I wanted to.”

“I’ll fight like hell to hide that I’ve given up.”

“The world’s got me dizzy again. You’d think after 22 years I’d be used to the spin.”

“The sound of loneliness makes me happier.”

Honestly...there is a solid TIE for my favourite song on this album so I will give you one and then another.

First Day of My Life - Links to YouTube

Honestly like... it’s just a beautiful song. And honestly the sentiments like... damn Conor this is basically what it was like to try to date me at this time in life. And sometimes Jonas and I (even though we knew one another by this time) will still say “I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you” because, honestly, it’s the truth, and it’s something that could easily have happened in our lives, but didn’t.

And then... the song I loved from the opening note and will always love for all time. Because I related to it, and because it’s angry, and because WE’RE STILL THAT ANGRY, honestly.

Road to Joy - Links to YouTube live version with an interview with Conor

Favourite lyrics:

No one ever plans to sleep out in the gutter /  Sometimes that’s just the most comfortable place

AND

So when you’re asked to fight a war that’s over nothing /  It’s best to join the side that’s gonna win / And no one’s sure how all of this got started /  But we’re gonna make ‘em goddamn certain how it’s gonna end

Bless, boy. Bless.

SIXTH...  Digital Ash in a Digital Urn

So this album and I’m Wide Awake, It’s Morning dropped on the same day and they COULD NOT BE MORE DIFFERENT. That is intentional. This is the point where the hardcore Bright Eyes fans divided themselves into factions... and some hated both. This album was a place for Conor to explore and Mike Mogis to SHINE. I... hated it. For a long time. Like, I didn’t even own it. I thought it was TERRIBLE. And... fun fact that will come up a bit later, little beknownst to me, one of Jonas’s friends LOVED this album and would play it non-stop, so THIS (the least “Bright Eyes” album of them all) was the album Jonas associated with Bright Eyes. So whenever I would speak about the band he would make these faces like... I hate that band, OMG why are you obsessed with them, they are TERRIBLE. (More on this in the next album discussion) 

At one point, I caved and bought this on a used CD for ridiculously cheap because I needed to be a completist about my Bright Eyes collection. Then I listened to it again. This was probably around 2011 or 2012 or so. And.. I DID NOT HATE IT. I mean, it’s not my favourite, but also like... I understand it. I feel like I really missed out at the time because there are some great songs here and some great things that my 2005-self would really have related to had she given it a chance.

I’m still not sure if lyrically I have a favourite song, so here’s the catchiest song on the album. One of the bigger singles, and probably the only one anyone who wasn’t super into the album paid attention to.

Take it Easy (Love Nothing) - Links to YouTube (live from SXSW)

Even that title speaks to the me of 2005. Like... if this wasn’t her life at that time I have no idea what was. She was WRONG about this album.

Lyric... like, damn how can you not love this?

Don't take it so bad it is nothing you did. / It's just once something dies you can't make it live. 

SEVENTH -  Cassadaga

Cassa-fucking-daga. Story time.

It’s two years since we’d heard from Bright Eyes. I’m working a real job and in grad school and living away from downtown and starting to settle. I’m at a weird place in life, really, because it’s like I’m trying to grow up and get over my shit and my mis-spent youth and my mistakes, but I’m still in the same city so it’s hard not to fall back into that life. For the first time ever, though, I have a circle of friends who ACTUALLY FUCKING CARE about me and I like them for them and no one is pretentious or fake, we’re just giant fucking nerds, mostly. I did this thing where I stopped being in relationships for a full year because I needed to know I could exist without it. I needed to find ME again. And I did, and it was great, and I wasn’t HAPPY, per se, but I wasn’t the hottest mess in the universe anymore either, so things were looking up. Jonas had gotten back from his time in South Korea and he’d also mostly figured his shit out and he was sometimes living with me after my roommate moved out and I had a rather nice 2BR apartment to myself and sometimes living elsewhere because of his commitments. We were maybe dating and maybe not, because we haven’t ever really defined our relationship like that. I mean, this was after the point in life that I called him and said “It turns out I hate everyone who isn’t you” so I think we define that as the start of our “relationship” AKA elevated friendship/sibling/weird roommate situation.

Also, I had my radio show at this point. Part of our tasks at the radio station were that we had to review CDs that came in (people would send us demos and full albums to pitch their stuff to us and see if we’d play it and all that and we all had to do a certain number of reviews per 6 months or something like that). Usually it wasn’t anything I’d ever heard of before, because when known entities came out the full-time staff would pull it and review because they knew we’d want to play it, so here’s unsuspecting me in late March like ehhhhh I need something to listen to at work, I guess... and what is there on that shelf? BRIGHT EYES - CASSADAGA. Like... how no one else had grabbed it is beyond me, but it was a FULL TWO WEEKS BEFORE THE RELEASE DATE, so I grabbed that thing and held it close to my chest like it was the fucking One Ring and took it with me. I didn’t listen to it at work, because I wanted the full experience in the privacy of my own home (and also to copy it to my computer so I had it to listen to until I could buy it outright).

This weekend, Jonas happened to be in town. So... unapologetically I told him “I know you hate Bright Eyes for some COMPLETELY MYSTERIOUS REASON, but this isn’t even out yet and I’m going to listen to it very loudly and I don’t care about your life.”

Two songs in, he LOVED this album and honestly kept saying “Wait this is Bright Eyes? No it’s not.” and this is when I learned he’d only ever heard Digital Ash in a Digital Urn. So I like to make fun of him for that whenever we listen to Cassadaga. It’s his favourite Bright Eyes album now.

I like it because the sound matured and the content matured, just like I had. This was an album about feeling unsettled and wanderlust and trying to find your place in the world, which is exactly what I was doing. Just today, in fact, when I was listening to this, I caught the line “ Better find yourself a place to level out “ and once again yelled out “YES, CONOR!” followed by “I NEEDED THAT THEN AND I NEED IT NOW!” 

It’s a different sound, a mature sound, less angry, less ambiance, less driving beat, more... song. A little alt-country. I can hear the Mike Mogis influence and the Nate Walcott influence, and it’s really just a lovely album that I can’t explain WHY I like, but I think it has something to do with it once again being exactly what I needed at the time, while still managing to be something different than all the Bright Eyes that had gone before, just like I was still me while still managing to be something different than before. We’d all done some growing in those two years.

Again, I have two favourite songs (more really) and I refuse to choose right now, so you get both:

If the Brakeman Turns my Way - links to YouTube

I never thought of running /  My feet just led the way

I Must Belong Somewhere - links to YouTube

Everything - it must belong somewhere. / And you know it's true - I wish you'd leave me here. / You know it's true - why don't you leave me here?

FINALLY - The People's Key

2011.. We’d had Mystic Valley Band and Monsters of Folk and solo work and I thought... fine, Bright Eyes is wrapped and done. Everyone has moved on. And that’s fine. Cassadaga was a good send off. Move out of your youth and into adulthood with a bit of wanderlust and feeling unsettled. That quarter-life crisis thing. I certainly got it.

By this time I’m married. I’m living here in Minneapolis. I’m working. I’m settled and re-settled and have more or less become the me that I am today. We’ve gone from the wildness of youth to fondly remembering it as we try to figure out the next steps.

And then Bright Eyes releases an album. On Conor’s birthday. At the time I’m coming up on the next junction of life... moving from my 20s to my 30s and figuring out WTF that means anyway and trying not to feel like I’m old and past it and have wasted my life.

Conor comes along and says something like, we felt like we owed it to all of you to close down that chapter in our lives. Because Conor is a brilliant genius who obviously lives the same life I do.

They put out an album, and it is weird, and it is dancey, and it is poppy, and it is synthy and I dance down the streets of Minneapolis with a giant grin on my face and I don’t care how ridiculous I look. And I go see Bright Eyes live in concert one last time. And I cry... because I am so happy. Because Conor is so happy. He’s an adult and he’s mostly settled and he’s like, hey, everyone, I’m going to be okay and so are you.

Everyone’s favourite song on this album is the track before this one, but this, for whatever reason, is the one I love.

Jejune Stars - links to YouTube official video

Every new day is a gift, it's a song of redemption / Any expression of love is the way to return / To that place that I think of so often, but now never mention / The one the voice in the back of my head says that I don't deserve

AND

Sure I have my doubts /  But I know it now /  We are Jejune stars / So it starts again / At our childhood's end / I'll die young at heart

And so we leave it there. There’s been much more from Conor since, all of it hitting exactly the right notes in my life as we journey on our parallel paths, but if that’s where Bright Eyes leaves me, then what an optimistic and hopeful place to move forward from.

My life, my love, my heart.

[kip-quest-blog]

It’s been a good year.

We’re coming up on KipQuest’s first year anniversary and it is with a heavy heart and a conflicted soul that I announce that I am going to be closing this blog.

What happened? D:

Nothing happened in the traditional sense. I came out here for a good time and I had a good time and then I stopped having a good time. So I decided that drastic measures needed to be taken. I don’t have the desire to quit pokeask blogging, or blogging in general, or art, or storytelling, or any of that.

I just want to quit this particular blog and all the other blogs attached to this primary blog outside of my artblog (which I made a sideblog for this exact reason) and Maat’s blog. The disconnect has been months in the making and it is not at all related to my mental health or my motivation for art, or even my lack of physical energy. I’d just rather be doing literally anything else and that’s a really really bad thing for a long term project.

I tried everything I could think of to get myself going again. Memes, interactions, hiatus, total disconnect from Tumblr, a different, less stressful blog. I tried a lot. And it didn’t work. Ideas just fall flat and die sometimes so I am taking my own advice and just doing what I want to do.

Where are you going?

I’m not going anywhere. I’m going to write a blog from start to end. I’m going to have a plan. I’m going to reevaluate myself and my life choices. I’m going to do something self-indulgent and something that I will be passionate about, even if I’m just a cliched and tropey mess. I don’t know what the blog will be or the format, or the style, or even the name. I don’t know anything right now.

I don’t even know if I’ll have an answer for that question anytime soon. I will, however, be on my artblog, drawing art and dumping it there every once in a while. I’ll still be drawing pokemon like a damn nerd and I will still love it. I will probably take all the art prompts I have stockpiled and go through them as I figure out what the fresh hell I am going to do.

I’ll still be on this primary blog while I work on my other things. All the memes will be posted on my artblog as I finish them. (Though I run mostly on a queue.)

How can we reach you?

Please for the love of god, follow me on Twitter. Interact with me on Twitter because 1v1 convos are not happening and that’s because I’m busy all the time with other things. Twitter is where you can see my hilariously awful jokes and updates that get pruned out so my art is the main attraction and I can still have my fun.

My discord is not open because it’s going to be the same deal. 1v1 convos are just not on my agenda unless you’re alright with me never speaking or just saying the same tired things all the time. (i’m tired/busy/sleepy/busy) Maybe someday I’ll be in a group discord where I can talk to a lot of lovely people at the same time. (I’m already mod in one, but it has been capped for now.)

Will you tell us what your new blog is when it’s made?

Maybe. I won’t try to use this blog to promote my new one because I feel that it is disingenuous to use this thing I didn’t finish to promote something I hopefully will. Pride? It’s more like guilt. I’d hate to be a disappointment again. I’d hate to disappoint you again.

What about this story?

I can give you the very short version of what I had originally intended for Kippy’s KipQuest under the cut if you want to know the story at the most surface level. There, you will see my incredible lack of planning. I will not elaborate much more than this in the interest of not writing a novel. I apologize that all the nuance is gone. Rip all the worldbuilding.

Just in case, you decide to not read under the cut (it’s all story stuff anyway) I wanted to say thank you for all the good times. I learned a lot about art, myself, and commitment. I asked a lot of questions to a lot of people and learned so much about others. It was fun while it lasted. This is not the last you will see of me. But this will likely be the last update post I make on this blog.

You know what they say, right? Better luck next time.

Kippy would have made their internal struggle known to their mother that they didn’t know whether to pick a boy name (Skipper after Amelia’s father) or a girl name (Pankaja which is a name related to soil though the language of origin escapes me). Kippy’s mother, Amelia, assured them that no matter what they ultimately decided, it was their choice to make and that she would be proud of her little kipper.

Kippy, who was born male, chose Pankaja as her official name but still likes Kippy as a nickname. She then takes on female pronouns and begins to make her way into the world at large. During this time, Jalon, a Honchkrow leader of the village Kippy lives in, has her put on a team prematurely because Jalon does not like that Baaba challenges his authority.

Baaba confronts the Grand Psion - a sort of gauge for an individual’s potential - and demands that he tell the truth about Kippy’s potential. The Grand Psion, who was most certainly lying about Kippy’s abilities at the request of Amelia, claims ignorance and Baaba doesn’t buy it, so he storms off with renewed vigor to get Kippy trained in the only way he knew how.

Amelia has the Grand Psion lie about Kippy’s potential because Kippy was born a Bad Egg because Amelia had a lot of trouble with having children. Amelia had a number of previous attempts with her mate, Armament - who was a Garchomp that died in the line of duty - but they all either miscarried or just did not hatch when they were supposed to. She begged the Grand Psion to lie about Kippy so Kippy wouldn’t get herself killed in a military life. Kippy never finds this out.

Kippy is paired with Pepin, a Buneary who failed to live up to his family’s astronomical expectations, and Pax, a Swablu who hates being a Priest and fulfilling the role of a “healer” despite having the ability to use Heal Pulse. The three of them are sent off on a mission that was not meant for them to complete, due to a mix up between assignments.

They end up delving into a cavern and finding evidence of humans existing as well as the Red and Blue Orbs and the Meteorite, which were placed in this deep cavern to keep Columbia, a radically violent and nihilistic Origin Jirachi, from continuing to hunt down and slaughter other Jirachi to gain their power.

Kippy releases Columbia, who very nearly kills the three of them on sight and disappears into the Realm of the Fairies, who have begun preparations to make an attempt at truce.

Bellatrix, who had saved Kippy and Arimus from the approaching Fairies in the beginning, ended up returning to face those approaching intruders head on with her partner, Ronnie. Ronnie is a Gardevoir who did not gain the Fairy typing when the original Blight swept the land. Nobody knows why this was, but that is the only reason she is accepted in the Valley of Darkness.

That Fairy party was a party sent by the highest order of fairy nobles to attempt a truce with the smaller neighboring land before a hopeful collaboration to unify with the Land of Dragons. The Prince of the Fairies was sent as a means of instilling an element of trust, but Bellatrix doesn’t believe that the instigators of this divisive conflict have any positive intentions in mind. She mega evolves, kills most of those present on both sides, and flees into the forest, where she succumbs to the dangerous power that mega evolution entails and falls into madness fueled only by fury and rage. Ronnie survives only because the Fairy Prince, Adelaide, stabilized her.

When Kippy and company return to the village, Jalon panics because he assumed they were going to do something simple, and instead came back with items that belong to the Land of Dragons. In order to maintain control of his people, he accuses Kippy and company of being insiders and mounts an attack using only his Murkrow flock. Pax’s trainer was an Eevee and she jumps in to protect her trainee, evolving into a Sylveon to have a better chance of fending Jalon’s lackeys off, though this solidifies the accusation that Kippy and co (and by extension, their families) are spies for the enemy.

Amelia immediately and instinctually uses her combined strength with Pax’s trainer, and Baaba, to give Kippy and co a chance to escape alive. It is never determined whether their families survived this attack because Kippy never ends up going back.

Baaba finds them in the hills outside of the village. Kippy is panicking, but Pax and Pepin are able to calm her down well enough for the four of them to figure out where they need to go. Baaba says that the Land of Dragons would be their best bet because he knows someone who has clout.

They are discovered by an adventuring party of Fairies, are captured, and taken back to the main hub where all the decisions are made. They are granted amnesty because the Fairies are attempting to make peace with the surrounding areas.

The Fairies are under the control of Xerneas, who is a fragmented and corrupted being that was created by The Bastard Palkia. Xerneas itself is an instinctual being, who has complete and total mind control over all Fairies on this world when it is awake. It only ever seeks to destroy anything that would oppose it, as well as anything that it deems a danger to it. Xerneas had been asleep for a while, but the damage already done had to be slowly undone, which proved to be almost impossible considering that the sight of a Fairy usually meant a fight was going to break out, so peace talks were rare and were hardly ever successful.

Kippy wants to help, naturally, but has no idea how to do so. She thinks that the Jirachi she released would be able to help, so she goes looking for it. Baaba stays close by for the longest time until he is attacked during another encounter with Columbia and is revealed to be a Zoroark. Kippy takes this rather well in the moment, but later confronts Baaba about it.

Baaba explains that pokemon in the area all live on a massive island created by the same Mewtwo who gave Bellatrix the ability to mega evolve. This area used to be a secluded safe haven in Kalos, so many pokemon who were harmed by experimentation make up the population, which is why there is a rather tumultuous civilization in the works. Columbia offers to spare this world if they can convince the slumbering native Jirachi to appear so Columbia can take it. It is assumed that Columbia’s attempts at seeking the native Jirachi failed, and he claimed that he was “helping” the mortals because he is a god.

Columbia is an elder god, but he is also a creation of The Bastard and is therefore, fundamentally broken on every single level of his existence. This doesn’t really matter, but Columbia spins it in a way to make himself look better, and to get Kippy and Baaba to call the native Jirachi. This works later on and that Jirachi is shredded and consumed by Columbia, who then departs to find more Jirachi to consume after flipping all his middle fingers up at the preps.

Baaba does not accept Columbia’s offer, but Kippy comes up with a plan to trick Columbia into a false sense of security. This plan fails miserably. Columbia kills the native Jirachi, and in retaliation for mortals even attempting to lie to him, wakes Xerneas up from its deep slumber. He naturally has a big villain speech explaining how Fairies are indeed evil by design because The Bastard doesn’t care about what it makes and leaves things to fester. Even humans have harnessed Fairy energy to create devastating weapons and this is no exception.

Xerneas arises and takes control of all the Fairies. At the same time, in human civilization, Magearna and the Ultimate Weapon designs are finished and deployed. The rise in harmful energy leads to a chain reaction where Xerneas’s instability directly contributes to the creation of a second, more unstable Yveltal constructed of corrupted energy.

Yveltal flees, spreading devastation and destruction everywhere. The world begins to end and there is a bright light in the sky.

Kippy and co try their best to help, but they are divided on what to do. Xerneas needs to be stopped, but there is chaos unfolding around them as they try to escape the Realm of Fairies and make their way to the Land of Dragons. Baaba has stayed with them, and no longer assumes the form of a Rattata. When they make it to the Land of Dragons, Baaba seeks out and finds the oldest dragon there, a Charizard named Basil.

Basil is upset at how these events have unfolded, but when the gods are involved, it never ends well. He promises that his attacks will be swift, but he is not optimistic. Kippy is worried, though by this time, she has evolved from a Mudkip/Gible into a Garchomp. There was a lot of tears shed and fear throughout this transitionary period, but she is determined.

Columbia has disappeared, but his presence alerted Marty, a Celebi who immediately arrives to survey the damage. It’s too much to bear. The end of the world is coming naturally, so he begins his job to tie up the loose ends and let the world collapse in itself. Despite Baaba begging that Marty not do this, Marty does not listen. Baaba lashes out because he wants Kippy to be okay. That’s his partner. His most trusted companion. And he is too smart to let her go so easily.

Marty explains that it’s better for all of existence if this world dies naturally instead of being ripped apart for no reason. Xerneas must be contained. Baaba asks Marty if Xerneas could be contained, would that allow the world to be left alone. Marty makes no promises, but does hint that their time would be extended, as everything dies eventually.

Baaba and Kippy convince Pepin and Pax to go back to the village to reiterate the information that they learned. They also convince Marty to go with them to confirm their story. Baaba and Kippy then go to Xerneas, who is deep within the forests, wandering and screaming.

Baaba has a special tool that he plans to use in order to get Xerneas under control. They fight, they win, Kippy mega evolves, and Baaba uses a Master Ball to seal Xerneas away.

It, at one point, would have been made known that Baaba is from human settlements in Kalos, where he was born before his mother made a deal with Mewtwo to create this supposed sanctuary. Humans had done a lot of fucked up shit prior to this and his mother was the result of experiments in testing pokemon’s potential. He carried with him a couple of tools from the human settlements because he inherited that human level of intelligence and planning.

Once Xerneas is sealed away in the Master Ball, Baaba explains to Kippy that there is a whole other world out there to explore and he remembers fondly traveling through Kalos a little bit before his mother whisked him away from humans as a whole. He says he wants Kippy to see the world for what it is, a wonderful place, but humans are also not to be messed with. Baaba explains that humans treat pokemon differently and sometimes badly and he wants to change that, but the only way he knows how is to show them. He offers Kippy the opportunity to go with him to Kalos. Kippy accepts.

Baaba also offer this opportunity to Pepin and Pax, both of whom have evolved fully. Pepin accepts. Pax does not.

It ends with Kippy and Pepin willingly being put into customized pokeballs and Baaba assuming the form of a human before it’s assumed that they go to Kalos and change the human world as well.

That’s all ey wrote. Hopefully the next time I do this, I do a better job.

[loveylo]

A List of Mistakes - Chapter 3

weeeee actual fluff for once! omg!

enjoy my character being happy for once in their life

https://archiveofourown.org/works/38662314

CW// Self-hatred, fear of new places, and tooth-rotting fluff

 Sometimes, mistakes were meant to happen.

 Love always saw messing up as a problem, as a thing that caused pain. Today was the day that the universe would prove them wrong.

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The nether was a horrid place. Few people could handle the unbearable heat, dense air, and screeching noise. Truthfully, the only reason people really went to the nether was for fast travel, materials, and farms. Still, there was never any true enjoyment in these matters.

Love hates the nether. They know what kinds of pain lava can cause, just look at their burn marks.

Even so, it was convenient to travel through. Having to run through mountains and plains (in daylight no less) was a chore Love wasn't willing to put up with. So, on shaky feet, they run through the blue forests and dried up lava. Thankfully, there was already a path made around their portal, all they had to do was follow it. 

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Spawn proofing EVERYTHING was near impossible. No person on this server could get every nook and cranny in such a dangerous place.

Many people hated this fact with a deep passion, but sometimes, this was a good thing. If someone had spawn proofed every block in the nether, then Love wouldn't have found this child. A small Piglin Kid on top of a frightened chicken. It was honestly the most adorable thing Love had seen in a long while. They crouched down to the kid's height and smiled to the best of their ability.

"H-hey bud!"

The child tiled it's head and snorted, causing the chicken to start running off in some random direction. Love, the weak soul they are, followed right along.

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The small trio ended up in a Warp Forest, just shy of the path. Love grew increasingly worried with every turn the damn chicken would make. This idiotic bird just kept on ramming Love's poor kid (when'd this kid become theirs?) into all sorts of walls! It was truly unprecedented, but Love just chalked it up to the "bird brain."

When the chicken rammed their baby into another wall, they decided to finally act on it. Getting up and occasionally looking back at their child, they walked slowly over to one of the trees, hoping to create a boat of some kind.

This was a mistake, as one cannot make boats out of warped wood (which Love thought was the stupidest thing ever, but what do they know anyways.)

Not all mistakes mean ruin, and this became one that Love would think back on fondly.

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At this point, Peti, Wrens, Cole, Meeps, Corrv, and Ezho were all working together to help Love get this child back to their tavern. From all the paths made, to the offers of potions just to heal Oliver of his wounds, (Love always liked that name) so many people wanted to help get this kid to safety.

No matter what Love thought of the people helping them, they would forever be grateful for the assistance.

Finally, after long hours of rowing and mining, the kid was home.

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Love absolutely adored physical touch. Back then, that is. Nowadays, it was a painful reminder of what they had lost. A soul with no body could only feel so much. It's power could only go so far, using up most of it just to tether itself to the soil. To the ground. To the Earth.

It was so so cold.

But nether mobs are warm. They glow with comfort and ease. Oliver was the sun. His shine permeated the dark cave that Love took him to. They wanted to try their best to accommodate for the little one, mining out and up. Down and in. Anything to make their child feel comfortable with his new home. The kid wasn't allowed to roam too far yet, Love couldn't afford another incident, but he seemed to be perfectly content just rocking back and forth in his little boat. His bare hands clutched at the boats sides and rocked it gently. Tiny oinks would fill in the silence from time to time.

Oliver would sometimes jump out of his boat, just to run up to Love and ram into their legs. It hurt, considering how strong Piglins could be, but Love toughed it all out. They laughed at his silly stunts on the chests, and how his eyes would glitter while looking at the most mundane of items. He squealed once his eyes landed on the spare spore blossom. It was the cutest thing, seeing this kid freak out over flowers. But Love understood, in a way.

That rush of excitement, finding new things. They would never forget their first day on the surface. Stars used to be just silly things wandering miners spoke about. There can't be THAT many types of wood! A huge ball of light in this thing called "the sky" was just too far across the peculiar line for them.

But one day a moth flew right into their face.

One day they finally started understanding the words coming out of this moth's mouth.

  "My name is Devil."     "Do you know what the moon is?"     "My hair is 'purple'. Can you say that word?"

One day they were taken to the surface and saw light. Saw stars. Saw trees and grass and flowers.

It was so beautiful, and Love couldn't help but just... stand there. In awe. Eyes wide and looking up. There was a roof above them but that never mattered, they could see the stars. Fat and ugly tears rolled down their face that day. It was just too wonderful. Yes, maybe the moon was doubled, and maybe the grass swayed in odd looking ways, but that never stopped them before. Why would it stop them now?

So, seeing those same fat and ugly tears fall from Oliver's eyes, they knew. They understood that wonder. That awe.

The desperate need for comfort, for a hug, for reassurance that this wasn't a dream. This is real. And the hug they shared was real. The way they curled up together in the tiny boat was real.

"Those are called stars, Love."  

"Those are called Spore Blossoms, Oliver."

It was warm.

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 "Here, just take these, as a gift."

 "Why?"

 "I'm happy for you okay? I know that we're supposed to hate one another, but..."

 "But what, Cole?"

 "People are allowed to be proud of others, asshole!"

 "..."

 "... Love?"

 "Fine, I'll accept your gifts. Don't expect me to use them though."

 Neither of them mentioned the gold sword Oliver had sported the next time Cole came over.

==============================================================

1, 2, 3

[wannabeprotaginist-blog]

Notus

Tempest. Winds howl and race, rain gets swept into the fray and helplessly lands in sheets along the ocean. Waves reach up as if they too want a taste of the action, want to throw their own droplets to the sky and watch as they fly. A stallion races, his hooves a thunderous applause as he stirs the winds and the rain and the waves, as his mane flies behind him and fades into droplets. As his eyes of deep umber swirl and glow with the power and the complete and utter joy radiating off of his coat. Every pore, every orifice sweating power and power and power. Tempest. He rages on. Tempest. He laughs. 

The man stumbles upon the shore. His wings of slate and cobalt drag for moments before he lifts them up, sand flaking from their tips. He is confused as to why the land of the mortals should feel so different from the soil of his own. There seems to be a lack of a thrum, the winds here sniff at him, they recoil at his own air that envelops his being. His island was made for him, erupted from the ocean and claimed not long after its birth. His home has his essence, the trees and the soil and the streams sing with strings of his soul. But here, he is heavy. The winds do not snuggle against his wings and his hair, they do not playfully lift the feathers and tufts into the air. Here, he is not sovereign. Here no one will look towards him, no one will know who he is or his responsibilities. He is no one. And the full lips of the South Wind tilt upward at that thought.

Eventide blooms and his father rises from the golden and crimson petals. Around him the winds settle into a lazy warm breeze, they have become curious about his winds that keep close to his stature, like cautious mares. He smiles and sends a few wisps out, to mingle, to bond. And soon his laughter vibrates down the shore like a warm drum as his winds and those of the island dance together. They weave and jump, soaring high into the air and far over the ocean. Small pillars of water spur from the sea and Notus looks out-to see a ship in tatters. 

 He can hear the strain of the split mast as it drags along the waves. The vessel is small and it seems it couldn’t last even a small breeze. Dusk steadily approaches and he watches as the vacant boat sails ever closer to the shore, like a drowning man gasping for his last breath. Notus raises his wings and his hands, the winds gather round him, a poised snake ready to strike. His plan is to send it out to sea, to let it sink along the depths, and rot along the ocean floor. But just as his winds reach the vessel and she starts to groan, his ears catch the loud curse of someone on board. The vacant vessel is not. His winds pause and seem to steady, awkwardly stopping as they look back at him, wondering why his command stopped. And from his place on the shore, he watches as a form, lithe as a siren, dives off the edge. 

...

This first thing you can recall is the sea and the salt and the wind. New wings struggling to control their power as you race through the clouds, circling as you wind up and down. A crescendo of wind and rain pelts your skin as you change, from hands and feet, turn to hooves. Skin of bronze grows and morphs into the hide of slate. You are a stallion, racing through the clouds that only yield to you. You are the wind and the rain and the storm. You are the tempest of fury and passion.

As you race over the land mortals duck for cover, some looking up to watch as your thunderous hooves rattle their houses and knock down their trees. In a spark of light, they can see you, from your pumping legs to your mane and tail of black. Some lands rejoice when they hear your far-off thunder, they are ready for the water you shall bring. You come to give life to their panting cattle and dehydrated crops. But some fear you, for you bring with you floods and hurricanes and destruction.

You are passion at its height, you come in fast and wreck with everything you have and leave just as swiftly. You are, in it’s most bare state, the summer storm.

X

When your season is done and you have no more fury, you return from the mortal lands to your palace. You reign on the southernmost island to the map of myth, Aithiopia. The land is prosperous and full of growth and life. Nymphs and beasts roam the island and they all bow to you. Your palace is of gray marble and you’ve been told it’s relatively small in comparison to your northern brother’s. But you pay no mind to him or the other two.

The only thing you can remember about your siblings is that their winds felt wrong, and the way your own rallied up to fight when they drew near. The last time you saw any of the anemoi was when the gods Poseidon and Zeus had a disagreement. You fought with the sea-god due to how close you run to his realm. Without the ocean there would be no summer storms.

You form close relationships with the beings of the sea, though you never venture too deep into their depths. You love and leave and never mourn the loss and you cannot understand why anyone would.

X

You are one of the four anemoi-personifications of the winds. Northern Boreas, is your opposing brother. Where you are warm he is cold, where you bring storms he chills the air. Euros is the east wind, he was most closely related to the sun god and his harvest. And Zephyrus, the west wind. The brother you see most often. He is known for his spring and love, his easy summer breezes and his easy going nature. The soft to your rough. The calm before the storm.

Your mother was the Dawn and your father the Stars. At night, when you do not rage, you can see your father and know he’s there. When the darkness recedes you watch as your mother rises from the earth and reaches her rosy-tipped fingers towards you. It’s been a long time since you’ve talked to either of them.

X

You find that you can leave the winds and the rain to the sea and walk with the mortals. The first one you happen upon is a woman. She is the daughter of a sailor and she is the one who teaches you about the lives of those that you have only ever seen from above. She doesn’t know what you are or the power that thrums in your veins. In her eyes you are a man of windswept dark hair, deeply bronzed skin, but it is in your eyes that she can tell something about you is not normal. But she has seen many places and people, and she does not deny you her company in any way.

It is through her that you learn that the mortals are similar to you. Their lives so short and yet their flames shine so bright. Other deities are cold and calculating, slow and boring. You crave heat and passion and happiness and sadness. You yearn to feel… Whether it be love or hate. It is through that woman that you learn that humans live with such ferocity, they let their emotions run their lives and it’s brilliant. You fall in love with them, you fall in love with her. And you learn the festivities of their spring, you come to know the heat and the passion and the pleasure of her and others. You enjoy every second of it.

Until the flames turn to cinders and the ocean calls you once more. You’re late this year, your storms will be but a soft rumble. But you pay no mind, you don’t give a damn. You felt such wonderful pleasure and love and hate and you wouldn’t trade it for the winds.

X

Years pass and you spend less and less time at your home and more and more with the mortals. You travel on your winds to the lands and experience their traditions, you participate in everything. You fall quickly into love and leave just the same. You find men you hate and fight. You never deny yourself the chance to feel, indifference is impossible.

You may hate and love, but you always return to the sea. You always return to your home once before taking off. But now with this new intelligence when your summer comes and it is time for your thunderous hooves to race across the heavens, you stoop down to the earth and visit with the mortals. Loving and leaving. Some scorn you, some honor your memory. You never pay them mind, you treasure everything you’ve ever felt and have no regrets.

X

There was once a war you felt inclined to participate in, just to see what it was like. You train and fight with men and learn what it is like to truly hate. You learn to adore the people of the country you picked and when the day came that you stood on that field of mortals, when you smelled their fear and hate and sweat, you unleash the wrath of the South Wind. The opposing side never stood a chance. They know what you are after that, and they celebrate you. The men of that city claim you to be their patron god and you accept.

It is after you spend another season with them in celebration that the company of one particular woman reminds you of the first mortal you met. You aren’t one for melancholy but you travel to her home nonetheless. You find her children, and learn that she has passed. You find a man who curses your name and you rise up in fury, only to find that he rises too. Your winds halt and you look at this hybrid, this demi-god and marvel at his beauty. You can see yourself, and you can see her. You embrace your son and learn to love his family he’s made for himself. But the ocean calls you, and you leave before they could say goodbye.

You return every decade or so to find your son aging and watch as your grandchildren grow. It’s amazing, these humans. Their passion and their love.

X

It has been many years since your son faded away and you’ve learned one of the most prominent emotions, sadness. She evaded you for centuries, your blind ignorance shading you from her rain but at the death of your child, you truly learned what she was. Misery is another emotion you welcome with open arms, and she is the one you’ve scarcely felt. Part of you is thankful, for she was perhaps one of the most powerful.

Present times are tense between the mortals, and it’s been a long time since you fought in one of their wars. Maybe in the next couple of years, you’ll learn enough and choose a side, fight for whatever cause the mortals have dreamed up this time. But in the meantime, you’ll do what you’ve always done. Rage, love, hate, dance, drink, and feel.

[mischief-toy]

28 YA Books by Black Authors!

By popular demand this is the complete list of every book we featured during our #28daysofdiversebooks during #blackhistorymonth. Everyday we featured a different book about black charecters by black authors. This is the complete list! All of these books are available at our store (along with many others we did not get to feature during February!). 

February 1st:  This is Kind of an Epic Love Story by Kheryn Callender.

This also happened to be our February Book club book! We meet the last Thursday of every month at 6:30pm. Check out our facebook to see this month’s book!

Here's the description!

"Nathan Bird doesn’t believe in happy endings. Although he’s the ultimate film buff and an aspiring screenwriter, Nate’s seen the demise of too many relationships to believe that happy endings exist in real life.

Playing it safe to avoid a broken heart has been his MO ever since his father died and left his mom to unravel—but this strategy is not without fault. His best-friend-turned-girlfriend-turned-best-friend-again, Florence, is set on making sure Nate finds someone else. And in a twist that is rom-com-worthy, someone does come along: Oliver James Hernández, his childhood best friend.

After a painful mix-up when they were little, Nate finally has the chance to tell Ollie the truth about his feelings. But can Nate find the courage to pursue his own happily ever after?"

February 2nd: Parable of the Sower by Octavia Butler!

Octavia Butler is, in our opinion, of of the most influential writers of the last century and her books belong on everyone's bookshelf! Parable of the Sower is one of our favorites.

Here's the description: "In 2025, with the world descending into madness and anarchy, one woman begins a fateful journey toward a better future

Lauren Olamina and her family live in one of the only safe neighborhoods remaining on the outskirts of Los Angeles. Behind the walls of their defended enclave, Lauren’s father, a preacher, and a handful of other citizens try to salvage what remains of a culture that has been destroyed by drugs, disease, war, and chronic water shortages. While her father tries to lead people on the righteous path, Lauren struggles with hyperempathy, a condition that makes her extraordinarily sensitive to the pain of others.

When fire destroys their compound, Lauren’s family is killed and she is forced out into a world that is fraught with danger. With a handful of other refugees, Lauren must make her way north to safety, along the way conceiving a revolutionary idea that may mean salvation for all mankind."

February 3rd: Dragon's in a Bag by Zetta Elliott!

This is a great book for younger readers, full of magic, wonder, and Dragons!

Here's the description: "When Jaxon is sent to spend the day with a mean old lady his mother calls Ma, he finds out she's not his grandmother--but she is a witch! She needs his help delivering baby dragons to a magical world where they'll be safe. There are two rules when it comes to the dragons: don't let them out of the bag, and don't feed them anything sweet. Before he knows it, Jax and his friends Vikram and Kavita have broken both rules! Will Jax get the baby dragons delivered safe and sound? Or will they be lost in Brooklyn forever?"

February 4th: Children of Blood and Bone by Tomi Adeyemi!

This is a fantastic fantasy story with themes of corrupt totalitarian government, discrimination, and empowerment that you will find very relevant to the world today.

Here's the summery: "They killed my mother. They took our magic. They tried to bury us.

Now we rise.

Zélie Adebola remembers when the soil of Orïsha hummed with magic. Burners ignited flames, Tiders beckoned waves, and Zélie’s Reaper mother summoned forth souls.

But everything changed the night magic disappeared. Under the orders of a ruthless king, maji were killed, leaving Zélie without a mother and her people without hope.

Now Zélie has one chance to bring back magic and strike against the monarchy. With the help of a rogue princess, Zélie must outwit and outrun the crown prince, who is hell-bent on eradicating magic for good.

Danger lurks in Orïsha, where snow leoponaires prowl and vengeful spirits wait in the waters. Yet the greatest danger may be Zélie herself as she struggles to control her powers and her growing feelings for an enemy."

February 5th: Black Panther by Ta-Nehisi Coats!

This whole series is great, but Black Panther Volume 6 comes out TODAY!!! Stop by to get your copy (or number one if you want to start this great series!)

Here's the Description: "A new era begins for the Black Panther! MacArthur Genius and National Book Award-winning writer T-Nehisi Coates (BETWEEN THE WORLD AND ME) takes the helm, confronting T'Challa with a dramatic upheaval in Wakanda that will make leading the African nation tougher than ever before. When a superhuman terrorist group that calls itself The People sparks a violent uprising, the land famed for its incredible technology and proud warrior traditions will be thrown into turmoil. If Wakanda is to survive, it must adapt--but can its monarch, one in a long line of Black Panthers, survive the necessary change? Heavy lies the head that wears the cowl!"

February 6th: Calling my Name by Liara Tamani!

This is a great contemporary story about love, coming of age, and family.

Here,s the description: "Calling My Name is a striking, luminous, and literary exploration of family, spirituality, and self—ideal for readers of Jacqueline Woodson, Jandy Nelson, Naomi Shihab Nye, and Sandra Cisneros.

This unforgettable novel tells a universal coming-of-age story about Taja Brown, a young African American girl growing up in Houston, Texas, and deftly and beautifully explores the universal struggles of growing up, battling family expectations, discovering a sense of self, and finding a unique voice and purpose.

Told in fifty-three short, episodic, moving, and iridescent chapters, Calling My Name follows Taja on her journey from middle school to high school. Literary and noteworthy, this is a beauty of a novel that captures the multifaceted struggle of finding where you belong and why you matter."

February 7th: Ghost Boys by Jewell Parker Rhodes!

A wonderful Middle Grade book about Police Brutality and mourning.

Here's the description: "Twelve-year-old Jerome is shot by a police officer who mistakes his toy gun for a real threat. As a ghost, he observes the devastation that’s been unleashed on his family and community in the wake of what they see as an unjust and brutal killing.

Soon Jerome meets another ghost: Emmett Till, a boy from a very different time but similar circumstances. Emmett helps Jerome process what has happened, on a journey towards recognizing how historical racism may have led to the events that ended his life. Jerome also meets Sarah, the daughter of the police officer, who grapples with her father’s actions.

Once again Jewell Parker Rhodes deftly weaves historical and socio-political layers into a gripping and poignant story about how children and families face the complexities of today’s world, and how one boy grows to understand American blackness in the aftermath of his own death."

February 8th: Belles by Dhonielle Clayton!

One of 2018's hot books that just came out in paperback!

Here's the description: "Camellia Beauregard is a Belle. In the opulent world of Orléans, Belles are revered, for they control Beauty, and Beauty is a commodity coveted above all else. In Orléans, the people are born gray, they are born damned, and only with the help of a Belle and her talents can they transform and be made beautiful.

But it’s not enough for Camellia to be just a Belle. She wants to be the favorite—the Belle chosen by the Queen of Orléans to live in the royal palace, to tend to the royal family and their court, to be recognized as the most talented Belle in the land. But once Camellia and her Belle sisters arrive at court, it becomes clear that being the favorite is not everything she always dreamed it would be. Behind the gilded palace walls live dark secrets, and Camellia soon learns that the very essence of her existence is a lie—that her powers are far greater, and could be more dangerous, than she ever imagined. And when the queen asks Camellia to risk her own life and help the ailing princess by using Belle powers in unintended ways, Camellia now faces an impossible decision.

With the future of Orléans and its people at stake, Camellia must decide—save herself and her sisters and the way of the Belles—or resuscitate the princess, risk her own life, and change the ways of her world forever."

February 9th: On The Come Up by Angie Thomas!!

This is the long awaited second book (not a sequel) by Angie Thomas (who wrote The Hate U Give last year) whose first book shook both the book and movie industry. Rumor is that On The Come Up is already listed for a movie adaption, so this is sure to be one of 2019's hot books!

Here's the description: "Sixteen-year-old Bri wants to be one of the greatest rappers of all time. Or at least make it out of her neighborhood one day. As the daughter of an underground rap legend who died before he hit big, Bri’s got big shoes to fill. But now that her mom has unexpectedly lost her job, food banks and shutoff notices are as much a part of Bri’s life as beats and rhymes. With bills piling up and homelessness staring her family down, Bri no longer just wants to make it—she has to make it.

On the Come Up is Angie Thomas’s homage to hip-hop, the art that sparked her passion for storytelling and continues to inspire her to this day. It is the story of fighting for your dreams, even as the odds are stacked against you; of the struggle to become who you are and not who everyone expects you to be; and of the desperate realities of poor and working-class black families."

February 10th: A Blade So Black by L.L. McKinney!

This is a super cool Alice in Wonderland meets Buffy the Vampire Slayer book with a sequel coming out this fall!

Here's the description: "The first time the Nightmares came, it nearly cost Alice her life. Now she's trained to battle monstrous creatures in the dark dream realm known as Wonderland with magic weapons and hardcore fighting skills. Yet even warriors have a curfew.

Life in real-world Atlanta isn't always so simple, as Alice juggles an overprotective mom, a high-maintenance best friend, and a slipping GPA. Keeping the Nightmares at bay is turning into a full-time job. But when Alice's handsome and mysterious mentor is poisoned, she has to find the antidote by venturing deeper into Wonderland than she’s ever gone before. And she'll need to use everything she's learned in both worlds to keep from losing her head . . . literally."

February 11th: Tyler Johnson Was Here by Jay Coles!

This is a great book for lovers of The Hate U Give and tackles similar issues. This book has wonderful characters and wonderful emotions throughout, this is certainly a hard hitter worth your time.

Here's the description: "When Marvin Johnson's twin, Tyler, goes to a party, Marvin decides to tag along to keep an eye on his brother. But what starts as harmless fun turns into a shooting, followed by a police raid.

The next day, Tyler has gone missing, and it's up to Marvin to find him. But when Tyler is found dead, a video leaked online tells an even more chilling story: Tyler has been shot and killed by a police officer. Terrified as his mother unravels and mourning a brother who is now a hashtag, Marvin must learn what justice and freedom really mean."

February 12th: Dactyl Hill Squad by Daniel José Older!

A great, lighthearted but adventure filled, pick for younger readers and fans of children's literature. Basically it's a dinosaurs during the Civil War book. That alone should sell it for you.

Here's the description: "It's 1863 and dinosaurs roam the streets of New York as the Civil War rages between raptor-mounted armies down South. Magdalys Roca and her friends from the Colored Orphan Asylum are on a field trip when the Draft Riots break out, and a number of their fellow orphans are kidnapped by an evil magistrate, Richard Riker."

February 13th: American Street by Ibi Zoboi!

A wonderful book about immigration, the American Dream, and Family. This is a not to be missed book.

Here's the description: "The rock in the water does not know the pain of the rock in the sun.

On the corner of American Street and Joy Road, Fabiola Toussaint thought she would finally find une belle vie—a good life.

But after they leave Port-au-Prince, Haiti, Fabiola’s mother is detained by U.S. immigration, leaving Fabiola to navigate her loud American cousins, Chantal, Donna, and Princess; the grittiness of Detroit’s west side; a new school; and a surprising romance, all on her own.

Just as she finds her footing in this strange new world, a dangerous proposition presents itself, and Fabiola soon realizes that freedom comes at a cost. Trapped at the crossroads of an impossible choice, will she pay the price for the American dream?"

February 14th: Let's Talk About Love by Claire Kann.

This is a wonderful romance book perfect for valentines day! Featuring an awesome quirky bi-romantic asexual main character this is a sweet book you are sure to love!

Here's the description: "Alice had her whole summer planned. Non-stop all-you-can-eat buffets while marathoning her favorite TV shows (best friends totally included) with the smallest dash of adulting--working at the library to pay her share of the rent. The only thing missing from her perfect plan? Her girlfriend (who ended things when Alice confessed she's asexual). Alice is done with dating--no thank you, do not pass go, stick a fork in her, done.

But then Alice meets Takumi and she can’t stop thinking about him or the rom com-grade romance feels she did not ask for (uncertainty, butterflies, and swoons, oh my!).

When her blissful summer takes an unexpected turn, and Takumi becomes her knight with a shiny library employee badge (close enough), Alice has to decide if she’s willing to risk their friendship for a love that might not be reciprocated—or understood. "

February 15th: Dread Nation by Justina Ireland.

This is a wonderful book about institutional racist, zombies, and the civil war. What more could you want?

Here's the description: "Jane McKeene was born two days before the dead began to walk the battlefields of Gettysburg and Chancellorsville—derailing the War Between the States and changing America forever. In this new nation, safety for all depends on the work of a few, and laws like the Native and Negro Reeducation Act require certain children attend combat schools to learn to put down the dead. But there are also opportunities—and Jane is studying to become an Attendant, trained in both weaponry and etiquette to protect the well-to-do. It’s a chance for a better life for Negro girls like Jane. After all, not even being the daughter of a wealthy white Southern woman could save her from society’s expectations.

But that’s not a life Jane wants. Almost finished with her education at Miss Preston’s School of Combat in Baltimore, Jane is set on returning to her Kentucky home and doesn’t pay much mind to the politics of the eastern cities, with their talk of returning America to the glory of its days before the dead rose. But when families around Baltimore County begin to go missing, Jane is caught in the middle of a conspiracy, one that finds her in a desperate fight for her life against some powerful enemies. And the restless dead, it would seem, are the least of her problems."

February 16th: Inventing Victoria by Tonya Bolden!

A fantastic Historical novel set in Post-Reconstruction American that we are really excited about!

Here's the description: "As a young black woman in 1880s Savannah, Essie's dreams are very much at odds with her reality. Ashamed of her beginnings, but unwilling to accept the path currently available to her, Essie is trapped between the life she has and the life she wants.

Until she meets a lady named Dorcas Vashon, the richest and most cultured black woman she's ever encountered. When Dorcas makes Essie an offer she can't refuse, she becomes Victoria. Transformed by a fine wardrobe, a classic education, and the rules of etiquette, Victoria is soon welcomed in the upper echelons of black society in Washington, D. C. But when the life she desires is finally within her grasp, Victoria must decide how much of herself she is truly willing to surrender."

February 17th: Black Enough edited by Ibi Zoboi.

This is an awesome anthology of stories about black teens written by a wonderful collection of black authors!

Here's the description: "Black Enough is a star-studded anthology edited by National Book Award finalist Ibi Zoboi that will delve into the closeted thoughts, hidden experiences, and daily struggles of black teens across the country. From a spectrum of backgrounds—urban and rural, wealthy and poor, mixed race, immigrants, and more—Black Enough showcases diversity within diversity.

Whether it’s New York Times bestselling author Jason Reynolds writing about #blackboyjoy or Newbery Honor-winning author Renee Watson talking about black girls at camp in Portland, or emerging author Jay Coles’s story about two cowboys kissing in the south—Black Enough is an essential collection full of captivating coming-of-age stories about what it’s like to be young and black in America."

February 18th: Blended by Sharon M. Draper!

A great book for younger readers about bi-racial identity and dealing with divorce.

Here's the description: "Black Enough is a star-studded anthology edited by National Book Award finalist Ibi Zoboi that will delve into the closeted thoughts, hidden experiences, and daily struggles of black teens across the country. From a spectrum of backgrounds—urban and rural, wealthy and poor, mixed race, immigrants, and more—Black Enough showcases diversity within diversity.

Whether it’s New York Times bestselling author Jason Reynolds writing about #blackboyjoy or Newbery Honor-winning author Renee Watson talking about black girls at camp in Portland, or emerging author Jay Coles’s story about two cowboys kissing in the south—Black Enough is an essential collection full of captivating coming-of-age stories about what it’s like to be young and black in America."

February 19th: Shadowshaper by Daniel José Older.

An awesome urban fantasy book with a dash of zombies and Caribbean magic thrown in!

Here's the description: "Sierra Santiago was looking forward to a fun summer of making art, hanging out with her friends, and skating around Brooklyn. But then a weird zombie guy crashes the first party of the season. Sierra's near-comatose abuelo begins to say "Lo siento" over and over. And when the graffiti murals in Bed-Stuy start to weep.... Well, something stranger than the usual New York mayhem is going on.

Sierra soon discovers a supernatural order called the Shadowshapers, who connect with spirits via paintings, music, and stories. Her grandfather once shared the order's secrets with an anthropologist, Dr. Jonathan Wick, who turned the Caribbean magic to his own foul ends. Now Wick wants to become the ultimate Shadowshaper by killing all the others, one by one. With the help of her friends and the hot graffiti artist Robbie, Sierra must dodge Wick's supernatural creations, harness her own Shadowshaping abilities, and save her family's past, present, and future"

February 20th: Zahrah by Nnedi Okorafor!

This is the first book written by the bestselling author of Akata Witch and is highly recommended for anyone who loved her better known work!

Here's the description:

"In the Ooni Kingdom, children born dada—with vines growing in their hair—are rumored to have special powers. Zahrah Tsami doesn’t know anything about that. She feels normal. Others think she’s different—they fear her. Only Dari, her best friend, isn’t afraid of her. But then something begins to happen—something that definitely marks Zahrah as different—and the only person she can tell is Dari. He pushes her to investigate, edging them both closer and closer to danger. Until Dari’s life is on the line. Only Zahrah can save him, but to do so she’ll have to face her worst fears alone, including the very thing that makes her different."

February 21st: Love Me or Miss Me by Dream Jordan!

This book is actually both of Dream Jordan's critically acclaimed books (Hot Girl and Bad Boy) together in one book! These two books tell one wonderful story together and are well worth checking out!

Here's the description: "What's a Brooklyn Girl to do when her best friend is away for the whole summer? Don't ask Kate, because she has no idea. Aimless, and unhappy with her new foster mother, Kate falls into the hands of a stylish, "It Chick" who whips her into fashionable shape. Armed with new confidence, and a game plan to get her man, Kate quickly falls under her new bestie's bad influence. And she becomes reckless in her pursuits. Can Kate get her life back on the right track--or is it already too late?

One year later, Kate's fantasy life of having the perfect family comes to an abrupt end when she is suddenly forced to return to the group home, a place she's fought so hard to avoid. Alone and vulnerable, Kate falls for the ever so gorgeous Percy who treats her well at first, but soon a cycle of controlling and abusive behavior begins. Kate finds herself trapped and unable to be the strong, independent girl she's tried to be her whole life. Will she be able to escape Percy's clutches?

Told through Kate's witty, fearless point of view, Hot Girl and Bad Boy are powerful stories from an important voice in young adult fiction."

February 22nd: Dear Martin by Nic Stone!

A wonderful book about racism and what we can learn from the past.

Here's the description: "Raw, captivating, and undeniably real, Nic Stone joins industry giants Jason Reynolds and Walter Dean Myers as she boldly tackles American race relations in this stunning debut.

Justyce McAllister is top of his class and set for the Ivy League—but none of that matters to the police officer who just put him in handcuffs. And despite leaving his rough neighborhood behind, he can't escape the scorn of his former peers or the ridicule of his new classmates. Justyce looks to the teachings of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. for answers. But do they hold up anymore? He starts a journal to Dr. King to find out.

Then comes the day Justyce goes driving with his best friend, Manny, windows rolled down, music turned up—way up, sparking the fury of a white off-duty cop beside them. Words fly. Shots are fired. Justyce and Manny are caught in the crosshairs. In the media fallout, it's Justyce who is under attack."

February 23rd: Spin by Lamar Giles!

A brand new murder mystery/thriller that is sure to keep you on the edge of your chair and trusting no one!

Here's the description: "Sixteen-year-old Paris Secord's (aka DJ ParSec) career--and life--has come to an untimely end, and the local music scene is reeling. No one is feeling the pain more than her shunned pre-fame best friend, Kya, and Paris's chief groupie, Fuse. But suspicion trumps grief, and since each suspects the other of Paris's murder, they're locked in a high-stakes game of public accusations and sabotage.

Everyone in the ParSec Nation (DJ ParSec's local media base)--including the killer--is content to watch it play out, until Kya and Fuse discover a secret: Paris was on the verge of major deal that would've catapulted her to superstar status on a national level, leaving her old life (and old friends) behind. With the new info comes new motives. New suspects. And a fandom that shows its deadly side. As Kya and Fuse come closer to the twisted truth, the killer's no longer amused. But murdering Paris was simple enough, so getting rid of her nobody-friends shouldn't be an issue... "

February 24th: Little & Lion by Brandy Colbert!

This is an amazing (and award winning) book about love, family, and mental illness. Plus, the new cover is super neat!

Here's the description: "When Suzette comes home to Los Angeles from her boarding school in New England, she isn't sure if she'll ever want to go back. L.A. is where her friends and family are (along with her crush, Emil). And her stepbrother, Lionel, who has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, needs her emotional support.

But as she settles into her old life, Suzette finds herself falling for someone new...the same girl her brother is in love with. When Lionel's disorder spirals out of control, Suzette is forced to confront her past mistakes and find a way to help her brother before he hurts himself--or worse."

February 25th: The Field Guide to the North American Teenager by Ben Philippe!

This is a great book about coming of age and learning to let people in and be yourself.

Here's the description: "Norris Kaplan is clever, cynical, and quite possibly too smart for his own good. A black French Canadian, he knows from watching American sitcoms that those three things don’t bode well when you are moving to Austin, Texas. Plunked into a new high school and sweating a ridiculous amount from the oppressive Texas heat, Norris finds himself cataloging everyone he meets: the Cheerleaders, the Jocks, the Loners, and even the Manic Pixie Dream Girl. Making a ton of friends has never been a priority for him, and this way he can at least amuse himself until it’s time to go back to Canada, where he belongs.

Yet, against all odds, those labels soon become actual people to Norris. Be it loner Liam, who makes it his mission to befriend Norris, or Madison the beta cheerleader, who is so nice that it has to be a trap. Not to mention Aarti the Manic Pixie Dream Girl, who might, in fact, be a real love interest in the making. He even starts playing actual hockey with these Texans.

But the night of the prom, Norris screws everything up royally. As he tries to pick up the pieces, he realizes it might be time to stop hiding behind his snarky opinions and start living his life—along with the people who have found their way into his heart."

February 26th: Sorry Not Sorry by Jaime Reed!

This book is just out today and has a ton of buzz around it! A coming of age friendship story about growing apart and sticking together this is sure to be a great read!

Here's the description: "Janelle and Alyssa used to be BFFs -- but not anymore. Alyssa became leader of the shallowest girls in school while Janelle got involved in activism with new, true friends.

But, suddenly, Alyssa's diabetes becomes the talk of the school. It's turned life-threatening; without a kidney transplant, her chances are not good. Despite reservations, Janelle gets tested and finds that she's a rare, perfect match with Alyssa for a transplant. But organ donations aren't very common in her community, and she starts to feel pushback. When feuds and accusations push the girls further apart, Janelle doesn't know what to do. Will the match bring the girls back together, or drive them apart for good?

With humor and heart, and a fresh, unforgettable voice, acclaimed author Jaime Reed explores the power and complexity of lifelong friendships -- and the sacrifices we make along the way. "

February 27th: X by Ilyasah Shabazz (Daughter of Malcolm X) and Kekla Magoon.

This is a true classic that needs to be featured in Black History Month (and all the time!). This is a fantastic book about Malcolm X's early life and the experiences that helped influence his life.

Here's the description: "I am Malcolm. I am my father’s son. But to be my father’s son means that they will always come for me. They will always come for me, and I will always succumb.

Malcolm Little’s parents have always told him that he can achieve anything, but from what he can tell, that's nothing but a pack of lies—after all, his father's been murdered, his mother's been taken away, and his dreams of becoming a lawyer have gotten him laughed out of school. There’s no point in trying, he figures, and lured by the nightlife of Boston and New York, he escapes into a world of fancy suits, jazz, girls, and reefer.

But Malcolm’s efforts to leave the past behind lead him into increasingly dangerous territory when what starts as some small-time hustling quickly spins out of control. Deep down, he knows that the freedom he’s found is only an illusion—and that he can't run forever.

X follows Malcolm from his childhood to his imprisonment for theft at age twenty, when he found the faith that would lead him to forge a new path and command a voice that still resonates today."

February 28th: Kindred by Octavia Butler!

Honestly, Octavia Butler has been so influential to modern fiction and her books have been so important it feels wrong not to feature her twice. Kindred is an absolutely amazing book that we think everyone should read, during Black History Month and beyond.

Here's the summery: "The first science fiction written by a black woman, Kindred has become a cornerstone of black American literature. This combination of slave memoir, fantasy, and historical fiction is a novel of rich literary complexity. Having just celebrated her 26th birthday in 1976 California, Dana, an African-American woman, is suddenly and inexplicably wrenched through time into antebellum Maryland. After saving a drowning white boy there, she finds herself staring into the barrel of a shotgun and is transported back to the present just in time to save her life. During numerous such time-defying episodes with the same young man, she realizes the challenge she’s been given: to protect this young slaveholder until he can father her own great-grandmother."

Thank you to everyone for sticking with us through this month of wonderful books by fantastic authors!  We can’t wait to do it again next year! Remember, Black History is not confined to Black History Month. We feature books by black authors all year round and encourage you to support them! Thank you!

[a-non-sequitur]

Rogue One: Second Viewing

- link to my other Rogue One blabberings -

Watched Rogue One for the second time today on the big screen.  Here are some more thoughts since I’m not inundated by “HOLY SHIT” feelings from experiencing it the first time. There may be some repeat thoughts.

NB, as usual: have only seen the movie and read a small portion of its prequel Catalyst so far. I try to talk about individual characters themselves, but shipping thoughts concerning RebelCaptain (Jyn/Cassian) and SpiritAssassin (Chirrut/Baze) still occur.

Warning: THIS IS REALLY, REALLY LONG. Not exaggerating in any way.

Quick General Thoughts 

I’d seen the movie a little more than a month ago and have swamped myself in fandom, so I thought I wouldn’t have Extreme Emotions from seeing it again. I even thought I’d be bored for some bits.

I was wrong.

It’s a beautiful movie, and I honestly liked every single performance by the actors and actresses. I thought they were all really good or amazing.

By far one of the most intense movies that I’ve seen in general, not just the Star Wars ‘verse.

Lah’mu

There’s a piece of symbolism in some Rogue One book material that talks about how the movie bookends the theme of “Jyn” and “home.” AKA: Jyn starts the movie by having a home, and Jyn ends the movie by rediscovering home. Figuratively, this is shown by Lah’mu with her parents (start) and the Scarif beach with Cassian (end) (or you could argue the entire Rogue One team becoming family, a la Baze’s “little sister”, as “home”).

However, now I can see there’s also a literal interpretation of this: Jyn’s Lah’mu home is next to a beach. And you remember where she dies? A BEACH.

If one of the Stormtroopers was taught even a little bit of forensic science, Jyn would have absolutely been found underneath that damn rock. They live on rich, loamy soil. Anyone heard of footprints or tracks? I guess Death Troopers are too busy learning how to kill people.

Lyra Erso continues to grow in my heart as a hero and wonderful human being, and I am sad and bitter that beyond one or two lines from Galen and Orson (tangentially for the latter), she is never discussed or mentioned post-Lah’mu. Read Catalyst; Lyra is a badass. 

“You will never win.” = Erso Rebels, one for one.

Lyra/Galen4lyfe. They love each other so friggin much (again, read Catalyst for the one-two-three punch in the gut feels (even though I’ve only read a little)).

I wonder what sort of crops the Ersos grew.

Rings of Kafrene

I originally thought Cassian was very blank-faced about killing the informant and any guilt he felt wasn’t expressed except 100% internally or at a later time on his own. Nope, he definitely shows guilt/regret immediately after shooting the guy, even with Stormtroopers converging. Throughout the movie, in fact, he shows a LOT of guilty faces/body language. Not as perfect as a spy as I thought! (at least 100% of the time)

Wobani Prison

FN-2187 is a reference to Leia’s prison cell 2187. At Wobani, cell 4227 is mentioned. They don’t mean Jyn’s cell, but it finally explains to me why one of my favorite fics (Death Trooper One) uses the designation DT-4227. Tricky, tricky, tricky!

Yavin 4

Yooooo, Jyn is amazing at doing a non-reactive, “I won’t tell you shit” face.

Whatever you say about Draven’s duplicity and cutthroat tactics, Mothma’s democratic idealism is unsustainable bullshit. A lot of fics like to uphold her as this Kind Rebellion Paragon Leader vs Draven, but you know what? Saw had a point in separating from the rebellion. I don’t condone his “civilian deaths are unavoidable” tactics, but Mothma’s path is a fruitless endeavor, and she should have been completely aware of that after twenty years of Empire rule.

This is a passionate, immediate response after seeing the movie again. Maybe someone has some meta to calm me down/see Mothma’s side of the story.

Jedha

So many Asians on Jedha! <3333 (now all dead </3333 )

Small funny moment: the scene where Chirrut and Baze come to the rescue, there’s two little old Asian ladies sitting in the corners of the courtyard just chilling around.

I believe Cassian’s feelings for Jyn went from “unwanted charge” to “shit DEVELOPING FEELINGS” sometime between Jyn saving the little girl and Jyn beating the asses of Stormtroopers with her truncheons. I told you guys that Cassian has a Competency kink.

Jyn’s feelings, on the other hand, went from “jailer” to “friendly.” And I think that explains the level of betrayal she expresses to Cassian after Eadu; yeah, she’s pissed that he was planning to kill her father, but she was also pissed that he had lied to her. She had considered him a friend by the time they had arrived there, and she hadn’t had friends for a long time.

I think it says something about Jyn that, even if she is at most amused by K-2SO or at worst annoyed/indifferent to him, she still is the one who jumps in front of his body when Baze points a gun to him. She responds faster than Cassian, who (definitely) considers Kay his best friend. When Jyn is in a team, she is loyal. (I really, really like Jyn, okay.)

Bor Gullet (the tentacle creature) continues to be gross-looking, and even though I admire the subtle acting choices of Bodhi’s character arc by Riz Ahmed from “nervous defector to traumatized pilot to recovering person”, I do wish we got a better understanding of how damaging this creature (nonhuman sentient?) is. (Apparently the book does a good job?)

Again, I desperately desire more background on Saw’s spiral into severe paranoia. At one point did he start thinking that everyone was going to betray him? At one point did he find the Bor Gullet?

We know that the Empire hates non-humans, but do you know what I found really interesting?  The Rebellion actually showcases only a few nonhumans. Do you know which group represents the most non-humans (besides local populations)? Saw’s Partisans.

There’s not supposed to be galactic racism in Star Wars (I don’t know about extended universe materials, so maybe (most likely) racism exists on individual planet cultures). Rather, it’s replaced by speciesism. And I find the fact that the Partisans are heavily made up of non-humans (and the Rebellion not) extremely interesting if you parallel it to American politics on race throughout the centuries. I’m simplifying the issue, but in fights for equality and justice, who are the people associated with violent protest and riots by society?  Who often feel and are sidelined by mainstream movements?

Still curious at what point Saw separated from the Rebellion. I assume post-Lah’mu, just because Galen seems under the impression that Saw is still in contact with the Rebellion. 

Saw says outright that Jyn was his best fighter. SO MANY RADICAL!JYN FEELINGS. 

and this is why I can’t really support Cassian’s side of the argument after Eadu - Jyn had been involved in the Fight for a very long time. When she says at her interrogation that she “didn’t have the luxury of political opinions,” she has a good reason in saying that! She was never allowed to have a choice: she was born in a Separatist prison, raised by the Empire, ran away from an Empire, and then absorbed into a radical Rebellion cell. It isn’t until Saw abandons her that she makes a choice: the Empire and the Rebellion both hurt her deeply. These weren’t minor hits against her; they performed acts that damaged the core of her soul and transformed her personality. Why does she have any obligation to support either in any way?

Even if you think that abandoning the Fight was a very selfish thing to do, I think it would be incorrect to say that it was an unfounded decision on her part.

Galen mentioning Lyra (;_______;)

I loved all the performances, but Forest Whitaker’s is actually my favorite. Just, wow. (And Jyn’s heartbroken face when Saw refused to leave with her: :( I mean, considering his broken body, no way would he have been able to get out of the mountain, no less to the ship, and he absolutely knew that.)

The destruction of Jedha City was awe-inspiring, in the original etymology of the word (fear, terror). Alderaan’s destruction is sad, but it’s distant - a sphere blows up. The detail of Jedha City’s annihiliation... even on-the-ground videos of nuclear bomb testing and Hiroshima/Nagasaki don’t strike as much fear into my heart (please don’t attack me).

Baze’s FACE when the City is destroyed. It’s SO HEARTWRENCHING. Like, you can see his non-belief in the Force get even worse after the destruction.

Krennic’s “It’s beautiful” brought horrified shivers. I can’t find the tumblr post anymore, but the user talked about the importance of art in injustice (or something like that).

Eadu

All Cassian had to do was snipe Krennic while on that ledge instead of angsting over Erso, and the ending of Rogue One would probably have been less soul-destroying.

I do not understand how geography and the passage of time occurs in some of these scenes. Between Jyn being able to cross the valley and climb up that ladder in the period of Orson’s and Galen’s conversation, Cassian getting to Jyn after the platform is bombed, and Jyn and Cassian crossing back to the other side in no time at all, I assume Einstein’s relativity is involved.

I’m trying to decide whether K-2 revealing that Cassian’s rifle was in a sniper configuration was because (a) K-2 has been described as basically being a child and so he doesn’t even think about it, (b) K-2 didn’t know about Draven’s extra orders to Cassian, so he didn’t know it was supposed to be a secret, or (c) K-2 knows that Cassian would really, really regret assassinating Galen (moreso than anything else he did). My strongest option is (b).

We have to give Draven credit: he only sent the Alliance ships because he thought Cassian was probably dead and Galen still needed to be killed. As soon as he heard Rebels were on the platform, he tried to call off the squadron (I mean, if he had heard it was Jyn and not Cassian, he probably wouldn’t have cared, but still).

I knew beforehand that Chirrut and Baze were married, but holy shit are Chirrut and Baze married. Baze’s self-suffering and resigned sigh after the “I have you” quote!

Little detail I liked: Chirrut puffing air into his hand before shooting with the Bow of Death. Combination of “Gimme luck, Force!” and “Gotta warm up my hands before kicking ass.”

Chirrut is definitely Force-sensitive (I have Headcanons about his pre-movie arc), but there’s no way that Baze isn’t even a teeny-tiny little bit Force-sensitive, too. There’s no way a sharpshooter can be THAT accurate from THAT distance THAT accurately in EVERY battle (every single shot hits someone or some ship).

I’m impressed that the movie did not try to beautify death. Galen died in a super awkward position, and I love the realism of it (even if there was a lot less blood than there should have been).

By the end of the scene, Krennic visually confirms to me that the Galen/Krennic ship is actually a completely one-sided infatuation (seriously, read the book. Galen is laughably blase about the dude).

“You willl never win.” = Erso Rebels, two for two.

Lyra/Galen4lyfe

Some fandoms I can ship characters with multiple people. 

Rogue One is not one of those fandoms.

Jyn had, like, a 2% chance of actually being alive when the platform was bombed, and Cassian still went after her. He’s got it SO BAD. Like, this is the dude who killed his informant ASAP and who K-2SO was certain enough about that he said “we’ll be leaving without you” re:Chirrut & Baze leaving the ship ten minutes ago in the movie. 

Chirrut grabbing Jyn’s hand before the Argument gives me sad feels because it makes me wish that the Jyn+Chirrut+Baze adopted family vibes could have been explored more.

As I said earlier, I don’t think the claims Cassian made against Jyn in their argument had a lot of merit (and I think Jyn knows that, too). But Jyn definitely understands Cassian a lot better after he describes his past, and that’s why she doesn’t dislike/hate him by the time they arrive on Yavin 4. She’s definitely angry and betrayed about his actions/lies, but she now understands why he did them. And I think that’s when she really decided that he was a friend (+ probable realization that this was the second time he had come back for her).

And even though Cassian already feels guilty about almost assassinating Galen, I think his defensive justification took a serious, serious, serious blow not because of Jyn’s words (though that did have an affect), but from the Absolute Overwhelming Disapproval and Disappointment from all the humans on the ship. 

Baze is actually really, really hilarious? His tired collapse against the ship’s closed landing platform post-Argument made me burst into inappropriate giggles.

Mustafar

Darth Vader is terrifying.

I wonder if they hired an actual amputee for the reveal of Vader in that cylinder? Or if it’s CGI.

I’ve never really understood the eye-rolls over his “don’t choke on your aspirations” pun. I thought it was a terrifying addition and very apropos . (Though, if you’re familiar with medical terminology, you’d probably get a giggle from it.)

Krennic gets more and more pathetic every scene.

Yavin 4

Now, I know I talked all about the POC-nonhuman parallels above, but I do want to applaud this movie for its POC representation. The Empire, of course, has always been White As White Can Be, but the modern decision to make the Rebels so racially diverse? And to specifically have the Council be so racially diverse? (look at it! I think only Mothma and one other human was white. The rest of the humans were nonwhite!) That was a calculated decision to comment on today’s political climate.  Think about it: the leaders of the Rebellion were mainly POC. Yes, they unfortunately did not get as much screentime or lines as Mothma and Draven, but what a wonderful step still.

A council that can only make decisions based on unanimous agreement is a terrible idea with that many people.

Cassian showing up with an entire crew of people = moment Jyn DEFINITELY develops Feelings for him.

This gif is always necessary to post:

Cassian has a lot of sway/respect from the people he was able to recruit, but I’m 100% certain that he basically sang Jyn’s praises during the recruitment process. This is the reason they were so okay with her being the mission leader.

STILL ANNOYED ABOUT THE ZERO WOMEN IN THE ROGUE REBEL GROUP.

The trip to Yavin 4 to Scarif really, really highlights the fact that the entirety of the Rogue One family looks towards Jyn as their leader. Yeah, her speech to the group (”Saw always said carrying a stick...”) was, eh, pretty weak compared to Cassian’s (”Make ten men feel like a hundred!”) (Jyn’s not a great public speaker, ok?), but Cassian constantly defers to her. Speech time? You go first, Jyn. Is it time to blow up the mines? Tell me, Jyn. They ain’t co-leaders, and Cassian’s not a shadow leader. Jyn leads, Cassian is her right hand, and everyone else are her believers. (Remember that at Eadu, Chirrut outright states that Chirrut “follows her,” and I’m already forgetting the exact scenes, but I remember having the impression that Bodhi seemed to constantly look towards her (no surprise considering she’s related to Galen). And Baze’s “little sister”! (why no 500+ hours of these people being family. why.))

The side-eye Jyn gives Bodhi when he decides to call their group “Rogue” is still my favorite funniest moment.

Cassian and K-2SO are my favorite friendship in the crew, but I have to admit that K-2 and Bodhi would have definitely developed a pretty funny bromance if they had survived.

Possible RebelCaptain Kiss Moment 1: on the trip to Scarif

Scarif

Sidenote: this review is so friggin’ long, I’m already forgetting the things I want to say.

Seriously, why didn’t Cassian shoot Krennic on Eadu. WHYYYY

The grabber thing that picks out the data files? Reminds me of the claw game in arcades. I would have completely failed this mission purely because of that.

I didn’t realize this the first time, but Admiral Raddus had left even before the Alliance got news that Rogue One had landed. Raddus just up and went “EH FUCK THE COUNCIL LET’S DO THIS” and he had an ENTIRE NAVY follow him despite the very public refusal by the Council. Standing ovation for this dude.

FEMALE PILOTS!!! SO MANY FEMALE PILOTS!!!

Okay, it’s time for me to sing the praises of Bodhi Rook and Riz Ahmed:

Riz Ahmed deserves all the acting awards. Whitaker is still my fave RO performance, but Ahmed is second. It’s such a subtle transition but WOW. 

On Jedha, we meet non-traumatized Bodhi. A little stammery, but he’s being pushed around by the Partisans and no one is listening to him. I’d stammer, too. He’s panicking re:plans, but there’s still steel in him though, a type of confidence.

Then we meet post-tortured Bodhi, and he’s a discombobulated, disjointed, confused mess of a human being. Within the prison cell to his escape outside the mountain, he shows someone whose reaction time is fifty times slower than a non-tortured human being. His dazed look and delayed movements before Cassian pulls him towards the ship is perfect.

Eadu: he’s a nervous wreck. He can’t stop stuttering, even when he’s trying to guide K-2 and Cassian to fly through the rainstorm. He can’t look people in the eye.  

To Scarif: still nervous, but becoming more forward.

Scarif: When Cassian tells Bodhi to find a way to communicate beyond the shield: NO FUCKING STUTTER. HE ORDERS THOSE MEN AROUND AS IF HE’S BEEN ORDERING PEOPLE FOR YEARS. REMEMBER THAT HE’S A FUCKING CARGO PILOT. His voice is so firm, so direct, that none of the soldiers hesitate. When Bodhi makes the run to the shuttle with the cable, there’s a cut to a soldier watching him, and it’s after seeing Bodhi run that the soldier stands up again to fire at the Stormtroopers. I think this soldier is also the one that first decides to run to the master switch, too? (Not sure about that one.) 

And Bodhi basically orders Admiral Raddus to do shit. An Admiral!

BODHI WILL SAVE HIS FRIENDS. HE WILL NOT DISAPPOINT HIS FRIENDS.

BODHI’S LAST WORDS ARE “THIS IS FOR YOU, GALEN.” 

!!!! my heart

“THIS IS FOR YOU, GALEN.” 

IF I WERE TO MULTISHIP A RO CHARACTER, IT’D BE GALEN/BODHI.

I just... I love Bodhi’s character arc so mUCh????11!!? And Riz Ahmed was amazing portraying it????

Melshi seems pretty damn cool. Too bad we didn’t hear more from him.

Baze looks SO BETRAYED when his cannon didn’t take down the AT-AT unit.

Baze and Chirrut at Chirrut’s death was so painful and heartbreaking to rewatch. I like to think that the only reason Chirrut didn’t cup Baze’s face in that moment was because he lost the strength to lift his arm higher and that’s why they just held hands. And the only reason Baze didn’t kiss Chirrut’s hand is because of movie industry homophobia :))))) Also, I realized that Chirrut was hoping/thinking Baze would survive because he says, “Look for me in the Force, and you’ll find me.” :(((

BAZE TURNING HIS GAZE BACK TO CHIRRUT’S BODY WHEN THE GRENADE LANDS BROKE ME EVEN MORE THAN HIS RECITAL OF CHIRRUT’S PRAYER. I could almost hear the “I’ll be with you soon, love,” voice-over.

MY HEART

“Climb! Climb!”

MY HEART

Possible RebelCaptain Kiss Moment No. 2: right before they jump onto the center tower.

Jyn and Cassian must have arms of steel, I’m just saying. If the claw thing didn’t trip me up, I’d fail the mission purely because I couldn’t climb more than one row.

Trying to figure out how many stories Cassian fell down. Fics keep saying really high numbers (like 8 or 12), but it didn’t seem like that? Though that just might be because we were watching it from a higher perspective. (I’m not implying Cassian wasn’t severely injured. I cringed every time he struck a beam. I was just wondering how long the fall was.)

If Cassian shooting Krennic on Eadu would have probably changed RO’s ending, do you want to know what would have completely changed the entire original trilogy? SOMEONE SHOOtinG THE FUCDKING SATELLITE DISH. HOW DID NO ONE HIT THAT EVEN BY ACCIDENT.

“You lose.” = completion of “You will never win.” = Erso Rebels, three for three.

So, since we’re nearing the end, I’d like to quickly talk about Descent/Climb (though Fall/Climb is a more catchy term, if less accurate).

If “abandonment/returning” was one of Jyn’s themes, “climb/descent” is another one.

She “falls” every time Krennic is near her: (1) Lah’mu: she descends the ladder into the hideout; (2) Eadu: she nearly falls off the platform after it’s bombed; (3) Scarif: not Jyn, but Cassian-Jyn are basically inseparable by now anyways: Cassian falls at the Citadel; (4) Scarif: Jyn falls when trying to get back to the transmission tower.

She climbs: (1) Lah’mu: towards Saw (unseen); (2): Eadu: to get to her father; (3) Scarif: to get the plans.

Ok, honestly I have no idea/don’t have the energy to figure out what this actually means, but Jyn went up and down too often for it to not have some sort of importance.

Speaking of themes: from Jyn’s perspective, the entire movie is basically a mirror of her life:

Home on Lah’mu.

Lyra abandons her.

Jyn sees Krennic. Lyra shoots him in the shoulder.

Lyra dies.

Galen “abandons” her.

Saw abandons her.

Jedha: Jyn reunites with Saw (and sees that she’s loved). [Cassian comes back for her x1]

Hologram/Eadu: Jyn reunites with her father (and see’s that she’s loved). [Cassian comes back for her x2] 

Scarif: Jyn thinks Cassian is dead after his fall.

Jyn sees Krennic. Cassian shoots him in the shoulder.

Cassian comes back for her x3.

Home with Cassian/the beach.

Possible RebelCaptain Kiss Moment 3: Side of the head kiss after Cassian stops Jyn from murdering Krennic.

Possible RebelCaptain Kiss Moment 4: Elevator.

Possible RebelCaptain Kiss Moment 5: Beach.

Don’t know the proper term for it, but the quickly-gradual white-out of the screen as Jyn and Cassian are being burnt to a crisp is one of the most visually stunning moments in the film.

MY HEART.

Ships jumping out of hyperspace: cool.

Star Destroyer slamming into Star Destroyer and hitting that Ring Thing: cooler.

Star Destroyer jumping out of hyperspace and Rebel fleet crashing into it while trying to escape: coolest.

Another detail: the ship that had engaged the Star Destroyer and pushed it into the other one was a suicide run. I mean, I’m sure all the fleet knew that this mission was probably a suicide mission, but that ship in particular knew that what they were about to do was a kamikaze move. Serious bravery.

Darth Vader is fucking terrifying.

CGI Princess Leia would have been less uncanny valley if her nose and her eyes weren’t so far apart vertically.

So, the mission plans were on this big cassette thing. And then they were downloaded onto this tiny disc thing. Does the Alliance have better data storage equipment? Or is it like downloading the jpeg version of a CAD file? These are the important questions, people.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

 movie is still amazing and emotionally traumatizing.

god knows how long i’ll be in this fandom. i’m guessing a long, long time. it will never leave my heart even if i visit another one.

every single rogue one family death made me tear up in the theater.

this is fucking long, jesus, i should be spending my time doing other things, like reading Catalyst.

- link to my other Rogue One blabberings -

[fukwad94-blog]

Kidz Bop Killz (07-29-2018)

     It is 3:43 pm on an early summer Thursday. If he could. he would roll out of bed. A very foggy recollection of the night before told him that he stumbled into the bathroom early that morning and passed out in the bathtub. In a still-drunk stupor, he rubs the sleep off his eyes and grabs the keys to his 2002 Nissan Sentra and his nearly empty wallet. Courtesy of Kidz Bop, of course.

     “Oh, fuck me,” he thought aloud. Not that anyone was there to hear it. He recalls that his car is out of gas. Gotta walk to the corner store today. 40 oz to freedom, right? The south side of Austin, TX radiates with sticky, humid heat after a light shower that morning. The kind that gets hotter and wetter with each step, absolutely miserable to walk in. Of fucking course it rained. Just his luck, or lack thereof. 

     He catches his reflection in a puddle of...oil? rainwater? piss? He isn’t entirely sure. He is a 27 year old former child star. His reflection shows a 45 year old homeless man who may or may not have eaten leftovers from the trash for the last few days. Fuck it. His only real claim to fame being the damn-near 12 years he starred as the knock-off, clean-cut version of Justin Timberlake in NSync. 

In.....fucking...shit-eating......KIDZ BOP.

     He forgot his headphones back at his apartment (which he insists upon calling “the crib” at all times). There is no turning back now. He will have to endure the sounds of the world around him on this trip. So. Fucking. Hot. With each aching step. he closes in on the corner store. 

     As the gap between he and the jingling corner store door becomes ever smaller, his ear catches a sickeningly familiar sound. His left eye twitches. As he approaches a MUCH nicer car than his own with 4 young teenage girls inside, the sound becomes more clear. One of the girls turns the volume up. Oh God....oh dear God, PLEASE NO! Not THIS again! 

They were playing ‘Bye Bye Bye’ by NSync. 

     20 years ago was yesterday. Kidz Bop was actually a creepy, pop music murdering cult behind the scenes. Not many people know that. When Bye Bye Bye hit the charts, he knew immediately what it meant for him: his life was basically over. Now he’s living it all over again. 

wait......did those girls turn it up......on purpose? surely not..... **BYE BYE BYe Bye bye bye....... BYE BYE BYe Bye bye bye** UGH. It made him SICK

     Suddenly, the 4 young girls become much more menacing looking. They stare directly at him and crank up the volume once more. His breath is panicked as he tries to flee, but slips. He falls chest first into another puddle of oilwaterpiss. Blood begins to trickle, then gush, from a freshly broken nose. As the music gets louder and louder, closer and closer, he tries to plead with the girls to make it stop. Its no use because they are enjoying making a mockery out of him. Making a mockery of his pain, his panic, his shame. Was their skin gray like that before? He couldn’t remember.

     “oh GOD WHY? PLEASE MAKE IT STOP! I’M BEGGING YOU, GOD!” he screamed, pleading with the invisible man in the sky as a last resort. He curled into the fetal position, only to cover himself in more oilwaterpiss. The alpha girl almost chokes on her deepening cackle, her eyes redden, and horns begin to protrude from her temple.      “GOD CAN’T SAVE YOU FROM THIS, KIDZ BOP!!!!”

**BYE BYE BYE!!!! DON’T WANNA BE A FOOL FOR YOU.....**      His eyes roll back in his head **JUST ANOTHER PLAYER IN THIS GAME FOR TWO**      blood trickles down his face from his ears **YOU MY HATE ME......**      an unseen force lifts him entirely off the dirty pavement. He can feel himself             involuntarily shitting himself, as his limbs are used like a living ventriloquist doll. **BUT IT AINT NO LIE BABY.....**      The demon girls are singing along in their deep, distorted, unholy voices      The alpha is steadily laughing at him as his lifeless meatsuit of a body makes       the final dance moves ****B Y E   B Y E   B Y E****

     His life flashes before his eyes. Cliche as shit, I know. That FUCKING dance number. It haunted him. IT RUINED HIM. As swiftly as invisible puppet strings had raised him, swiftly still did they drop him. It feels as if the life is being drained out of him with every measure still played over the speakers. His heart rate plummets toward the ground along with his body. With one demon clawed wave of a “finger,” he can feel his soul leave his meatsuit. Thank heaven, he can finally almost taste the sweet relief of death.

     Giving in, he closes his weary eyes to let the emptiness swallow him. As he reopens them, however, he is beside himself with what he sees. He expected an all black purgatory, to be engulfed in his own darkness, to have to relive his Kidz Bop related sins in his mind, he would spend the rest of eternity haunting his own shadow. Instead, he’s forced to face society with no fucking headphones. 

     No, It wouldn’t be that simple. He opens his eyes and 4 teenage girls are staring puzzlingly at him from across a hodd store parking lot. Judging him. FUCK. Calling the cops on him. From the looks of (probably daddy’s) BMW, they felt that they had every right to. He lie there on the pavement, exposed like a bug under a microscope, covered in oilwaterpiss, splattered with his own blood, soiled in his underwear. He had previously thrashed around like an early 2000′s adolescent at an Evanescence gig. Some kind of panic attack, he thinks. Gotta get the fuck out of dodge. He gathers up the $11 in change from his pockets and pulls himself off of the ground and into the store in one motion. 40 oz to freedom at last! This hard of a day calls for two extra beers, meaning he spends his grocery money of beer too. Fuck it. He’s gonna need em. The store clerk utters not a word, but understands with his eyes. 

     Most of the Kidz Bop royalties had gone to fund his Bachelor’s in Mideval History, something he truly was passionate about. Although as one can imagine, finding work in that field without a PhD or applicable experience is damn near impossible. So now he’s drank and drugged his way through the rest of it, but he can never get high or drunk enough to forget that FUCKING SONG. 

It still mocks him.

B Y E   B Y E   B Y E!