#// but then in verses where they are starting to recover they just don't know how to turn the instinct off | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ivystoryweaver · 2 years ago

Text

Decadent chapter 8

prev || Fic Masterlist || My Masterlist || next

Summary: A peek into life as friends with Miguel

Pairings: Miguel O'Hara from the film Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse x female reader

Word Count: 2.2k

Warnings: cursing, brief reference to sex, mentions of blood, not beta'd.

PREVIOUSLY on Decadent...

Locking eyes with you one more time, he added, "And if you really care about me, help me. I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't want to hurt you anymore."

With that, he left you to your new position in your new office.

The best thing about Miguel "breaking up" with you (not that you were really together) was that you started to think about him only 23 hours a day instead of 24 hours a day.

In all seriousness, you started going out with your neighbor/girlfriend each weekend and made friends with a few co-workers, including a sweet, funny guy named Jackson. You grew accustomed to Lyla guiding you through daily tasks, and best of all, your aunt was planning to visit you soon.

You had expected all manner of awkwardness working with Miguel - be it from that prickly feeling of interacting with an "ex" or from the sexual tension that was prone to drive you wild. Everything continued the same in the lab - the two of you carrying on - as focused and professional as ever. And without returning to his office each afternoon, the temptation to engage in...other activities simply did not present itself. Well, maybe the temptation lingered, but the opportunity had evaporated.

That's not to say Miguel ignored you outside the lab. In fact, he made it a point to speak to you regularly - sometimes showing up at your office door (being sure to linger in the doorway). On the unique occasion he would venture inside, Lyla would surely accompany him.

Kind of like a really sassy chaperone.

Sometimes, when the two of you worked late, he would order food or even bring empanadas as a peace offering - which was where you found yourself tonight, devouring them in the break room.

"Miguel, these are so good," you mumbled, your mouth stuffed full. "Thank you so much - I was starving."

"You're welcome," he returned with a warm smile. Dark strands of his hair fell carelessly over one eye - his waves an unkempt, sexy mess by this hour. "I feel like it's been a while since we sat down like this. I thought maybe I would bribe you."

He winked and your heart did a somersault. Wetting your lips, you tried to keep yourself focused on what he was saying and not the way his muscled forearms flexed as he fed himself - the sleeves of his shirt rolled up to his elbows. Two or three buttons were unfastened, giving you a generous view of the expanse of his throat and chest.

"You never need an excuse to come see me, you know that," you finally managed, directing your attention back to the delicious food on your plate.

He nodded, taking a sip of his bottled soda. "Still...I don't see you as much as I used to. And I didn't trust myself to invite you over."

Your skin heated up as your eyes went wide.

"Sorry...shit, I'm sorry," he swiftly recovered, pushing his hand through his hair in what appeared to be slight embarrassment. "That wasn't...I'm not trying to - "

"It's okay," you softly returned, tentatively reaching for another empanada. "Sometimes I miss you too."

Eyeing you skeptically, he smirked. "I don't know. I think you just miss me cooking Mexican food for you."

"Miguel, how dare you," you gasped in mock offense. "I also love you for your homemade margaritas."

He laughed out, almost losing the piece of food he was chewing - a rare, not 100% sexy moment for a man like him.

Unfortunately, you found yourself staring at his mouth and then the strong column of his throat as he finished chewing and swallowing his bite.

"Careful. Don't choke," you teased, trying to distract yourself. It wasn't really working, because, aside from wanting to climb his massive body daily, you actually did still have feelings for him.

Which was why you had agreed to go on a date with Jackson. Or...a hangout? Maybe it wasn't a date. You guys were going spend some time together on Friday night.

''I'm okay," Miguel's voice interrupted your thoughts. After a few moments of contented silence, he asked after you.

"How are you doing, really? How's your aunt?" He sincerely queried, his eyes carefully trained on you, alive with warmth and sincerity. It felt good to have his undivided attention.

"She's good. Coming to visit soon. She wants to meet you," you responded, with a wry smile.

"Me?" He pointed innocently to his chest, his eyebrow shooting up. "Am I in trouble?"

You playfully shrugged, your nose crinkling delightedly. "Should you be?"

Narrowing his eyes, he chuckled. "Hopefully not."

The two of you finished your dinner, the synchrony you typically shared in the lab transferring over to the clearing and cleaning of dishes and trash in the break room.

"And what about you, Miguel?" You softly returned. "How are you feeling. Really?"

Noticing you had stopped to watch him carefully, he offered you a smile. "I'm good. I, uh...I've actually been drinking blood bags." Shaking his head, he winced as an errant strand of hair re-claimed the spot across his forehead. "It sounds so weird to say that out loud."

"How is that working for you? Are you...are you sure you're well?"

Noticing the concern shining in your eyes, he decided to be honest. Somewhat. "I feel a little weak, but...you know, I did listen to what you said. About not wanting me to kill anyone else or...bite anyone else. I'm trying."

Something deep within you bloomed to life as he made his confession. You weren't sure what to say because you didn't want to misstep and cause a fight. If Miguel needed to feed, you were more than happy to volunteer, as you had made abundantly clear. But he had pleaded with you not to ask him that again. So you wouldn't.

"I just want you to be okay," you softly admitted, peering up into his crimson eyes as you inched a little closer, but not so near that the heat of him might distract you any further. "I don't want you to do anything that will get you hurt, or sick. And not just for the sake of our research."

"I know," he answered, reaching out to squeeze your arm gently. It was the first touch he'd granted you in weeks.

The two of you finished your tasks and prepared to finish running another test before calling it a night. One he was back in lab-mode, Miguel dropped the personal talk, but he resumed once he started walking you out of the building.

"You know, maybe you should come over sometime," he casually offered, stealing glances at your profile. "I didn't show you the billiard room."

"The billiard room?" You gawked, picking up your pace to match his lengthy strides. "What is this, the Clue board game? You have a billiard room?"

He just smiled at you, amused, his eyes twinkling with a little mischief. "You play pool?"

"I guess," you laughed. "Could be fun."

Nodding determinedly, he pressed on. "All right, how about Friday night? Are you busy?"

Yikes. Date with Jackson. Or hangout with Jackson. Whatever.

"Uh. I am that night, actually. Busy, that is," you vaguely responded, hoping you wouldn't need to elaborate.

"Okay, then Saturday?" His slight insistence surprised and delighted you.

Your Saturday plans were more flexible, but...you did have plans with your neighbor. "Um...well..."

"Ahh, I see. No time for your boss," he kidded, affectionately nudging your much smaller arm with his massive one. "You have a date or something?"

You chomped down on your lip, trying to figure out what exactly to say. You wanted Miguel more than anything, but you were trying to make some sort of a life for yourself after he had rejected you so utterly.

"Wait...you do have a date - don't you?" The smooth timbre of his voice interrupted your musings.

"I have plans with Jackson," you slowly admitted, "to hang out."

Miguel stopped walking, turning to look down at you - his face serious, but otherwise, unreadable. "You have a date with Jackson? The Jackson who works for me? The short guy?" Emotions began to carve themselves onto his chiseled features and burrow their meanings deep into his eyes. One thick eyebrow curved judgmentally upward as the rest of his handsome countenance soured. His lips puckered so cutely, you wanted to kiss them.

"He's not short," you retorted with a chuckle, hoping he was only teasing. "It's just that you're ten feet tall, so everyone is shorter than you."

Placing his hands on his hips, he shifted from foot to foot uneasily. "When did this happen? You and him?"

Transfixed by the sight before you gave you pause. His profound interest in this date made your mind race. "Nothing happened. We're hanging out. I'm just trying to meet some new people."

Dragging his eyes over the curves of your body, Miguel noticed that the talons on his fingers had extended significantly. He had to concentrate to retract them before he shredded his dress pants where his hands rested on his hips.

A war raged inside him. He wanted to stop this before it happened. Maybe he could tell you that office relationships were prohibited - a rule the two of you had obliterated since you met. Maybe he could sweep you into his arms, swing you away from here on his webs, and kiss you. Probably a dick move.

Perhaps he could tell you the truth - that he was starving. That it physically hurt to deny himself blood at your request. That he kept his fangs (and every other part) out of any other woman because you told him you didn't want there to be anyone else, right before the last time he pushed himself inside you.

Or maybe he could say that he missed you - your smile, your laugh - the shit you would give him daily. And your body, writhing on top of him in the office, or falling apart underneath him in bed.

The thought of Jackson touching one hair on your head made his jaw clench with fury as his eyes flashed bright ruby. Perhaps this "date" was innocent, and the two of you would just hang out as friends. But you were beautiful and brilliant, and you knew what you wanted in bed. What was to stop you from enjoying yourself?

Pressing one fang into his bottom lip hard enough to draw blood, he turned away, running a hand over his face before starting to walk again.

You scurried along after him, trying to ignore the way his eyes traced every curve of your body, his gaze dripping with accusation and a touch of disdain. You kind of wanted to see if he would actually give you shit about this. And you had no doubt he was probably blowing off steam in his own way - if the rumors about his reputation were true.

So, in the rarest turn of events, you decided not to say anything. It would be so easy to pick a fight, challenge him, or act clueless, but that's all it would be - an act. And you were tired of all that shit. You wanted some honesty...and peace.

"I can take you home," he offered, knowing you normally used public transportation.

"No, it's okay, I'm used to it," you neutrally replied. No reason to be in his debt when you were struggling to discern his mood.

"It's late," he reasoned as the two of you made it out the main doors to the car awaiting him nightly. "I would feel better knowing you're safe."

With a nod, you decided to take him up on the offer. It would be a lot quicker, and technically safer than your usual mode of transport. And not only that - honestly, you just wanted to be in his presence for a little longer.

You climbed into the back as Miguel recited your address to his driver. Then he joined you. The leather seats were a lot more luxurious than anything on the train. Glancing around the car, you remembered the last time you were here. You were paralyzed and bleeding. Miguel had ruined you in his office, brutally fucking you three times with you tied down. He drank so much blood that you feared for your safety. Then he took you to his home in this very back seat.

"I hope you have a good time with him," he finally offered, clearing his throat after a long silence. Staring out the window, his jaw tensely shifted.

Turning your eyes over to view his handsome profile you softly sighed. "Thanks."

Feeling your gaze on him, he peered back at you, his eyes momentarily flickering down to your mouth, lingering there indulgently as he wet his own lips with his tongue. The filtered moonlight through the tinted window glass gave him an almost angelic glow.

Drawing a shuddering breath, you waited until his searing gaze met yours once more. Miguel leaned in slightly but was abruptly interrupted by a terribly loud and chittering message from Lyla.

You jerked back, startled, as Miguel quickly silenced his holographic assistant. "Sorry about that," he muttered, facing forward, his chest heaving.

"What was that?" You asked him, wondering why he looked so flustered. Lyla popped in all the time, although, in fairness, this interruption was a tad dramatic - sudden and noisy.

Noticing his jaw clenching again, you wondered if you would get the silent treatment. But he eventually did answer you.

"I programmed Lyla to...make sure I'm not a dick to you."

next->

@deputy-videogamer @toecurlingstories @zephyrixx @wordacadabra @juleshadalittlelamb @thexsanctuaryx @tsukkie-daisuke

#decadent fic #miguel o'hara #miguel o'hara x reader #miguel o'hara x you #miguel o'hara x f!reader #across the spiderverse #across the spiderverse fic #sm: atsv fic #spider man 2099

73 notes · View notes

dg-outlaw · 4 months ago

Text

'The Penguin - Episode 1: After Hours' Review/Thoughts

** Mild Spoilers Ahead **

So I'll start off by saying, I'm not a big fan of mobster/drug lord movies and shows. Same goes for the rich people/corporate shows like Succession or Billions. Basically, if the general premise is; these people are rich and/or powerful, come watch them betray, kill, and/or be assholes to other people and one another to achieve and maintain that wealth or power, and there's likely to be no justice had... then yeah, not for me. If anything, watching Netflix's The Fall of the House of Usher (2023) was more about catharsis than entertainment for me. IYKYK.

Obviously, I know there's more nuance than that when it comes to many of these shows and movies as there's also outstanding performances and interesting storylines, but something about them reminding me of the injustices and/or corporate greed of the real world just puts me off most of the time. If I'm going to watch media like that then I usually have to be in a certain mood for it or I'm hooked by the characters.

Early previews of The Penguin gave me the same mobster vibe as many crime shows. There will be no heroes, no Batman, and likely no real justice, but being in the Batman and Matt Reeves Bat-verse, I wanted to give it a shot.

Is The Penguin different from other mobster crime shows? Yes and no. No, in that it still has all the mobster show flavor and if it weren't in the Batman world, I'd maybe give it a pass, but because it is Batman and Gotham, then yes, there's enough interesting flavor here to keep me wanting to see what happens next.

If you're not aware, this series takes place soon after the events of Matt Reeves' The Batman (2022). Carmine Falcone is dead, Gotham is still recovering from the flood caused by The Riddler, though it seems the parts of Gotham mostly affected and still in disarray are the lower-income areas, and Batman is... probably napping? IDK, but it'll be interesting to see how Batman gets interwoven into this series or is generally not present.

Colin Farrell returns as Oswald Cobblepot/The Penguin... or as he's referenced in the series, Oz Cobb, and he's looking to make a name for himself.

Without getting into the details (as there are likely a million legit summary reviews of Episode 1 online now), Oz quickly sets things in motion that starts a series of dominoes falling that may or may not result in his downfall before he even begins his climb to the top of the crime world, and I guess this is where the show finds its intrigue. In my mind, it's very Breaking Bad in the sense that you keep watching just to see what happens next. Will our protagonist get caught and meet a horrible fate or will they actually get away with it and achieve their goals... and at what cost? And why am I rooting for the bad guy? But instead of just fumbling down into the depths of the crime world like Walter White, Oz wants this, he wants to be on top, but the question is, has he bitten off more than he can chew or will he finally take hold of the brass ring?

Ultimately, I think it's the Gotham world and characters that has me wanting to see more and to see how it all plays out. This is not to say that the performances aren't great or the characters aren't intriguing, and Cristin Milioti as Sofia Falcone is definitely scary, even if she's not comically accurate as a some giant mountain of a woman, but again, part of this is knowing the characters from comics and other media depictions. I don't need the full Penguin backstory or to know all about the Falcones and Maronis, the comics and other media have done that setup already, but it does help with investment IMO.

Also, I love the grime of this Gotham and also how it's contrasted with the wealth and cleanliness of other parts of Gotham, especially outside of downtown. The creators understood the assignment for this show and it definitely plays a part when it comes to motivations. This Gotham isn't one note and I'm glad that it doesn't look like some clean set that takes you out of the world and reminds you that you're watching a TV show, like so many streaming shows and movies do nowadays. Yes, there's violence and language and Farrell, once again, disappears into the role of Penguin, but there's also some humor in this show. The humor fits and doesn't feel forced, but it also allows the audience to breathe for a moment and enjoy the experience.

So, I think if you're a Batman fan, you know these characters a little bit, and you want to go into a show that is likely to not have Batman or any other heroes, I say, jump in and enjoy. But if you're not as familiar or are a casual fan, and you're not really into crime/mobster shows, then this might not be for you.

Also, new canon (I think?) that The Penguin is a fan of Dolly Parton or at least has a mix CD of 'Go out there and get it' songs, is so fun. I still HC that Parton's "9 to 5" is a Duke Thomas song he plays every morning before getting ready for patrol, but having that little extra character note for The Penguin was a nice touch and gave a new character, Victor, a little more insight into his new boss.

#dg outlaw reviews #the penguin #dc the penguin #hbo max #yeah it'll always be HBO Max and not just Max #sorry not sorry #oswald cobblepot #sofia falcone #the batman 2022 #sal maroni

7 notes · View notes

foxes-that-run · 1 year ago

Text

Labyrinth

Labyrinth tells of pain of a past relationship, combined with the realisation of falling back in love with them. Similar to bejewelled, I think there is an element of looking at a current relationship ending through the lens of a past one. It references a 1D song Harry wrote, Half the world away, which was leaked August 2020, 5 months before Midnights was started. HTWA also refers to the tension over Harry saying 'I love you' in Say don't go on 1989TV. It was played at the 9 November Eras show with The Very First Night.

Labyrinth starring David Bowie

The title makes me think of David Bowie's 80's film. The green vinyl also had similar image to background to the cover art. Bowie is a key influence for Harry. In Labyrinth, Bowie is a Goblin King, Jareth, who gives Sarah 13 hours to solve his labyrinth in a misguided attempt win her love. Sarah and Jareth are temperamental and wistfully invested in dreams... not unlike certain popstars.

As well as the Bowie reference this is related to the theme of being trapped or unable to get over this love.

Lyrics

It only hurts this much right now Was what I was thinking the whole time Breathe in, breathe through Breathe deep, breathe out I'll be getting over you my whole life You know how scared I am of elevators Never trust it if it rises fast It can't last

The first verse is reflecting on the emotional turmoil during the relationship (1989) and is rich in references:

Half the World Away "deep in, I'm scared I'll stop breathing"

OOTW "Are we in the clear yet? / In the clear yet, good / Are we out of the woods yet?" When discussing OOTW Taylor said she constantly felt like she needed to overcome the next step.

Suburban Legends "It's ruined my life"

Gorgeous "you've ruined by life by not being mine"

I Wish You Would: "I’ll never forget you as long as I live"

Taylor also referred to this lyric in her NYU speech (27 mins) 4 months before it's release "Hard things will happen to us. We will recover, we will learn from it. We will grow more resilient because of it. And as long as we are fortunate enough to be breathing we will breathe in, breathe through, breathe deep, breathe out. And I am a doctor now, so I know how breathing works."

Also Getaway Car includes a line from Hilary Duff's Breathe in. Breath Out. (X marks the spot where we fell apart) Taylor also 'referenced' this song musically for Paper Rings.

Harry also sings Breathe me in, Breathe me out in Watermelon Sugar.

Uh oh, I'm falling in love Oh no, I'm falling in love again Oh, I'm falling in love I thought the plane was going down How'd you turn it right around

The chorus tells of realising that a love she thought was gone has come back. It references a leaked One Direction song that

Say don't go has a similar 'oh no' to this 'uh oh' meaning realisation, there it is that is is ending, here it is that it has come back.

On One Direction's Half the world away Harry wrote “I want you around, 'round, 'round / Are we going down, down, down?”

It only feels this raw right now Lost in the labyrinth of my mind Break up, break free, break through, break down You would break your back to make me break a smile You know how much I hate that everybody just expects me to bounce back Just like that

The bounce back line is to me where we can see the similarities drawn between a past relationship (Harry) and most recent (Joe). The announcement Harry and Taylor split (for the boat time) was in real time. With paparazzi photos of them both over the next days. She learnt from that and stopped sharing at all when she dated Harry again and with CH and Joe the announcement came months after.

As in many songs, Taylor's mind is a labyrinth and she can't get past this love. She tells herself if only feels so raw, but the chorus speaks to the 'built to fall apart and get back together' nature. The pain is her anxiety as described in Gold Rush, Slut! and Say Don't Go, and focus in I know places.

Harry has sung about Taylors smile and sacrifice to have her:

Someday (sung by Michael Buble) "I love seeing you happy / I miss seeing you smile" and "For her I bend, for you I break / And if I can't be yours now / I'll wait here on this ground / 'Til you come, 'til you take me away / Maybe someday"

Half the World Away: "Now I walk to you 'til my feet hurt / So tell me that's not good enough"

If I could Fly: "I think I might / Give up everything, just ask me to"

Half the World Away also has a similar structure, both repeat the chorus about a plane/relationship going down many times at the end.

#haylor #labyrinth #midnights #song analysis #Lyric analysis #taylor swift

37 notes · View notes

sir-qwillian-ferne · 7 months ago

Note

Decided to look through the thumblr search profile button and found this

And so my "any song" choiche is Memories And Melodies by Busty and the Bass.

Avemour is very much still holding onto the past, convinced that what held true then is true now, no matter how bad it was (memories and melodies taking me all the way back) (it's that funky kind of rhythm, I keep reeling at them). Also, they see altered bits of the past taunt them in their dreams and even just hallucinations at times (but feeling it grin) They're still struggling to recover from the past, but they're starting to grab bits of hope about the present (I gotta find a different track, one that lets me know where I'm at)

Even still, that progress doesn't mean it's easier (Memories of days gone by, it's often hard to find the words or verse to say and describe) and things can be fine one moment but the moment something goes wrong they're back to their old habits (I'm flying high and I'm focused, my toes are tied and I'm hopeless)

They feel their current identity is a mask, and a lie (My complaint is that I've been tainted and replaced and divided and I don't buy it, what a riot and help imply it)

Is that satisfactory

8 notes · View notes

wrongcaitlyn · 3 months ago

Note

Okok now I’m curious how WOULD have Will’s and Apollo’s relationship changed if Naomi was still alive? Would he still eventually be ok but it’d take him longer to get there?? Would Apollo and Nico be as close??

skdjflsdjf I LOVE THIS QUESTION AHHSDFH the what if's of dear reader verse keep me up at night

i feel like this could go either way - the bad ending, the good but different ending, or the highly improbable but good because it's necessary by fate to be good ending.

the bad ending (probably the most realistic, unfortunately) - no, will and apollo wouldn't have a relationship. by the time naomi died, it's been three years since everything went to shit, and apollo was still spiraling. will was really the catalyst for his self growth journey and, though it's not healthy to recover for one single person, that was definitely what apollo needed in this case - most other people had stopped reaching out to him at this point. so the bad ending, though really tragic, is that (TW) - apollo would die, probably either from alcohol poisoning or doing something reckless like driving drunk or leaving a stove on or something like that. i don't think he was suicidal, but if he lived to the point where he found out his mom died, then that might be a cause of worry as well. nico would be,,, struggling. a lot. we know that he attempted once in freshman year, and without any friends to pull him out of it/anyone who really cared,,, i do think he may have eventually made some friends outside of will and leo. maybe he would just be friends with leo, even if will was largely the person to have brought them together in the first place. i think there's a possibility nico could have either run away and made a life for himself as a high school dropout somewhere away from la, and maybe eventually reunite with leo working minimum wage jobs and whatnot, or he would have attempted again and it might have worked. either way, very dark place for him. will would have continued touring with his mom, kayla living with darren as he works on coaching, probably both of them would be homeschooled. i still think that will would have eventually asked his mom to go to a normal high school and he'd probably see a therapist too, and he'd eventually go to college and become a doctor like planned. kayla would still end up going to the olympics for sure. it's likely that jason and piper would have still met leo and become friends with him, which means that plotline would still be going, and depending on whether nico is there with them at that point in time or not, it might have helped him out a lot more. either way, i highly doubt that without will living at apollo's in la and apollo becoming a father figure for him, nico would ever get into the music industry on his own

the good ending - one of apollo's old friends pulls him out of the trenches and things start looking up for him. i doubt it would be darren or naomi, but it could possibly be latricia or emmie - either way, i think it would take a long time for darren or naomi to eventually reach out. darren wouldn't be as comfortable with apollo not having raised will first, and naomi is busy as hell already. the tough part here is that i do think that if naomi showed back up in apollo's life and darren didn't, and they truly tried the co-parenting thing, i could see a naomi/apollo flame relit. she's kind of a big what-if for apollo already, becuase they were very brief in the first place, but then again - will. so. who truly knows! i think it's once again possible that leo becomes friends with nico, and he realizes what's going on in nico's home life. cps is called. obviously leo knows what a shitty process the foster system is, but he feels that it'd still be better than nico's home life - so begins nico's journey away from the high school i made up and probably just into a different part of la. because this is the *good* but different ending, he ends up getting diagnosed with adhd and dyslexia and is given accomodations for that, plus his love for music is fostered and supported. i still don't think tyt nico would ever be a college student, but if this was changed earlier on and his new family intervened in his education,,, who knows? i think he'd be willing to try his hand at a music major. maybe he'd eventually be an indie artist. i don't think he'd ever actually become famous, and he'd probably mainly perform covers at parks and diners and stuff, but it's a step up. will's story would remain largely the same, except he would eventually have a relationship with his dad, and who knows? maybe his parents end up together. rip pollen </3

the warped-by-fate ending - starts the same as the good ending except for some reason, after reaching out to naomi and latricia again and being somewhat present in his sons' lives, he decides to become a foster parent. enter leo. adopted by apollo. enter nico. friends with leo. enter will, who wants to go to a normal high school instead of touring and naomi trusts apollo enough to let him take care of will. the trio is reunited. nico (probably a bit later than in tyt canon, maybe when he's just getting out of hs) starts his music career. they're all friends with jason and piper again. kayla eventually gets invited to christmas and pollen becomes a thing. solangelo starts dating because ofc they do. and for some reason the hazel plotline remains the exact same. they all live happily ever after <3

thank you for this ask!!!

#wrongcaitlyn #talk ur talk asks

6 notes · View notes

system-of-a-feather · 1 year ago

Text

I am genuinely gonna say this even though it's syscourse (and that I prefer to keep syscourse off my blog) cause 1) its related to my views and recovery which is what this blog is about and 2) I feel people might actually hear me out as an ex-anti-endo and DID* system, but being anti-endo (talking about "endogenics existing" not any larger criticisms on individuals or communities; thats a different topic) really perpetuates some unproductive mentalities around alters and multiplicity that really honestly is very healing to let go of and stop worrying about.

Like even just from a solely selfish point of view and not a "don't judge how people get by in life and what works for them" - holding so tightly onto this idea that being multiple parts, people, identities etc and operating life like that as this sacred, unique, and trauma-defined experience just really holds you in a place of saying that "I am significantly different due to trauma and I am inherently not the same as a 'normal person' because of the trauma" which I GET it, its true trauma does change you like that, it has changed brain circuitry and there are things those of us who have Been Through it at a young age will understand.

But like... I know it might be hard to see and understand depending on where in healing you are, but interacting with yourself as multiple parts and individuals - while not traditional and orthodox - is honestly.... not new or that special? Especially as the dissociative barriers lessen, the idea that there is a straight and clear divide between "multiple" and "singlet" really starts to be debunked.

In my opinion, it's hard to see the difference between a person who has multiple parts due to trauma BUT recovered to lower dissociative barriers, and someone who has multiple parts because they are a multifaceted person BUT interacts with themselves in an Internal Family Systems manner because that helps them, and someone who has multiple parts that they choose to interact with as separate as it gives them company, insight, and comfort.

And personally? I think thats really beautiful honestly. Even though our brain has been royally fucked by trauma from an insanely young age to the point that it segregated parts to survive, it's not inherently anything that is "proof" that we are broken or changed significantly from any other person or human.

Of course there is nuance, I do think that especially earlier stage recovery DID systems really should have the option for their own space and what not, because the "going through it" experience of DID is so so so so so extremely different than that of someone who is late stage recovery, at functional multiplicity, and/or a system that is endogenic and/or operates within themselves as multiple for non-trauma related reasons.

But honestly? We stopped being anti-endo largely cause the more we recovered, the less and less sense and significance it held.

Also, do not argue "science!!!!" at me. I'll ignore it cause again, I used to be a feverous anti-endo. I know the texts, I've read them, I love reading research papers.

((Usual disclaimer: while we are generally / vaguely pro-endo / endo-safe we very rarely interact with the community due to lack of interest and limited time in our life (we aren't online enough) so we have limited awareness on how things work there and unspoken social rules; we are not In The Endo community, we just think they deserve to have their space and designated shared spaces. If we said anything that is Bad Rhetoric or what not, I apologize as I am not the most versed in endo-community talk))

((*DID = Dissociative System in general, I don't care for discourse regarding DID and if that is inherently trauma or not and any interprettation - in this post - beyond 'a system with notable dissociative issues and a dissociative disorder' is up to the person reading))

#alter: riku #syscourse #discourse #endo safe #pro endo

23 notes · View notes

gontagokuhara · 6 months ago

Note

Its almost 5 am and I have work [today] but heyyyy what if I sent in another fun ask about pointy objects ;) Last time I asked about PO relationship rankings... but what about notable FRIENDSHIPS😭 I definitely think it'd be ridiculous to ask for a ranking of ALL THE FRIENDSHIPS but I'm saying like, I want to know about any specific fun ones we haven't seen that much of, tumultuous OR harmonic, if you want to share!💖

(if I had to rank some though I'd put Fuyupeko at #1 bc ofc they're like brother-sister, andddd Junko-Izuru ONN THE BOOOTTOOOMMM🗣 bc it's Junko duh) (Honorable mentions: Miu & Kiibo bc idk why I'm blanking on where the demi friendships rank) Okay I'm gonna go back to reading the latest chapter bc I gave up on trying to go to sleep💀 I hope you have a great day btw!!! Please say hi to baby Winnifred the Pooh for me and give extra love💘

I realized this weekend after seeing yet another fic I love get orphaned, how spoiled I was with your tumblr and I'm super greatful to be a reader and just consuming the content you share 😭 I really want to contribute more as thanks but I may not have as much time due to school starting soon😓 I'll just say thank you again for now and ofc remind you that you're an absolute BADDIE, please don't forget!!!💖

HELLOOOOOOOO CIDER MY BELOVED <3 as always u bring some of my favorite asks to my inbox so thank u MWAH!!!!! and as always this is for FUNSIES so there’s no obligation (especially if ur busy with school and work!!!) you have already earned ur place in my heart forever ❤️❤️❤️ you are so real about orphaned/abandoned works my favorite fic of all time had its sequel abandoned like 8 years ago…….u really never recover 💔 and i may have done the same to pointy objects for ~3.5 years but we are BACK and pumping out content at any given opportunity because this fic and universe is my baby. so with that said (and winnie said hello to PICTURED BELOW ‼️) lets get into pointy objects analysis mode WOOOOO

OK. SO.

many conversations have been had with my darling beta reader + kokichi correspondent evan @/faglaios about certain dynamics between characters this is like my DREEEEEAM ask because there are so many friendships in the pointy objects verse that are. so special to me. i have a whole list of friendship dynamics that i think are interesting and would yap about But i have so much to say about even just my select few favorites. so here are some honorable mentions before we get to the Big Boys:

- fuyuhiko & peko: i will forever and always ride for the familial dynamic for these two and pointy objects is no exception, as they consider themselves siblings to the same degree fuyu & natsumi do. talk about an unbreakable bond these two are literally almost as close as komaru & makoto are despite (affectionately) bitching at each other significantly more

- hajime & chiaki: not something i’ve been able to explore in-verse, but these 2 are soooo special to me in general and their friendship carries over into pointy objects rejoice ‼️‼️ i specifically singled this one out for the reason that: chiaki, as the goddess of sleep, tends to be pretty absent for long stretches of time, and so there can be decades that pass where she’s just not in hajime’s life. when he’s alone and stressed he talks to her sometimes :)

- kaede & maki: before they began dating they were without reservations each other’s best friend. i have a LOT to say about these two but yay ‼️ for kaemaki nation a lot of time has been dedicated to exploring it in pointy objects <3 so i will hold my tongue. for now

- rantarou & shuuichi: similar dealio here re: exploration in pointy objects canon. granted, rantarou is “dead” for the majority of it, but just as much as they are brothers they are best friends and for as much as i COULD say, i think their dynamic kinda speaks for itself in-fic :>

- miu & kiibo: i will be the first to admit i Do Not Enjoy miu but objectively her best interactions (both in v3 canon + pointy objects) are with kiibo. their dynamic is mutually (lightheartedly) antagonistic like miu knocks their head off five times a day and kiibo runs to tattle on her but like they eat dinner together basically every day and horrifically gossip in very bad whispers. miu clocked kiibo’s crush (overheard kaede talking about it to maki like a year ago lmfao) and became their unasked for wingwoman (she’s very bad at it).

kokichi & kaito: oh goodness. These Two. it has truly been far too long since i played 3-5 and fully Invested in this dynamic but once again from my conversations with evan There is something there . i almost have so much to say that i cant think of Anything to say lmfao so. we’ll put a pin in these 2 for now. but this is one of my favorite pointy objects dynamics.

- kaito & shuuichi / maki & shuuichi: oh training trio how i do love you……both of them have really fun dynamics but the former is definitely a little more well-developed in pointy objects. shuuichi mirrors both of them specifically in his resolve to protect and defend his friends; kaito in his emotional/trust investment and being open and honest both to himself and to the world at large, and maki moreso in the physical sense, in that they tend to be more hands-on and proactive in things that require teamwork (you’ll notice it’s these 2 most often helping others to their feet/to remain upright + at the forefront of public-facing schemes like booking the motel/headlining the convenience store robbery). MUCH to say here (also re: kaito & maki) but yet again i’ve already got so much more to go

- junko & izuru: To Be Continued.

- makoto & junko: exes

WOW! and that was only the honorable mentions 😭 jesus christ. but i saved my favorites/most interesting for last so LETS GO BABEY 🔥🔥🔥

- gundham & sonia: my Personal thoughts on these two have to be divorced from pointy objects canon so i’m speaking specifically on their friendship here. as god of the dark art and goddess of magic they naturally are inclined towards and work with each other, but they’re also just straight-up besties (as much as a grumpy recluse like gundham will allow, especially these days). in Non-crisis times, sonia is one of only a few gods who have near-unlimited access to the underworld. they also have a lot in common in terms of each losing their children within only a few years of each other (sonia with her son who tsumugi killed in her attack on camp pre-barrier, and gundham, we now know, with gonta).

- mondo & fuyuhiko: throwaway joke pointing out their similar organized crime affiliations that evolved rapidly into a like. genuine (business) relationship but also a family-like brotherly bond between them too (fuyuhiko is good at this LOL). there’s a lot of camaraderie (+ arguments) regarding this, as well as their shared isolation and distance from their children. mondo and taka went to fuyuhiko’s house the first night maki was missing both to hash out a game plan on keeping their daughters safe, but also for comfort because…well, at one point or another, they became family.

- maki & tenko: and speeeeaking of family <3 this has been touched on very lightly but of the people maki really has a connection with at camp and specifically considers her friends, tenko is one of those three people (the others being kaede and then later kaito). tenko really had to teach maki what Having Family is like even though she’s hardly the best-equipped to do so, but their shared distance from their godly parents (and lesbianism) helped them foster a dynamic that is very protective and isn’t the most Outwardly affectionate, but is definitely mutually trusting and quietly appreciative. they also train together often (and beat up kaito together when he jumps in too).

- kokichi & gonta: i am a “gonta and kokichi were genuine friends” truther until i die and pointy objects is my love letter to that. i have Many thoughts regarding their canonical relationship [looks at my url] but in my representation of them in pointy objects……when gonta says in his chapter that the two of them are best friends he is 100% correct (for better or for worse). for several years they were in the relatively small (those 2, kaede, miu, and maki) full-time camper group and the 5 of them are naturally more close-knit, but kokichi is…Well. Abrasive. and turns a lot of people off. but gonta was (+ is!) persistent. he sees good in kokichi. they were the only 2 boys at camp full-time for years, and as he did hajime and nagito, gonta lacked other options but to drift towards kokichi with regard to modeling “gentlemanly” behavior after spending so many years not socialized to humans. kokichi would play his usual pranks and mess with him but despite his flighty demeanor…actually U know what i’m just screenshotting my msgs to evan about this i cooked sooooo hard BUT ONE OF MY FAVORITE (and horrificially misunderstood) DYNAMICS <3

- gonta & kiibo: similar to kaemaki in that their friendship has been explored in-verse before their romantic relationship, but i single them out here because there is something very important to me about the two of them learning how to be people together :] gonta spending half of his life to this point living amongst wolves, and the rest of it playing catch-up on Being A Person and defining for himself what the means and who he wants to be and modeling his goals on the people around him that he admires. kiibo lived for a handful of years as an AI with kazuichi, but has only had a soul for three or so years, and despite having a universe of knowledge at their fingertips they still have to learn what personhood is like outside of scanning text and interpreting data — again, with a relatively small and niche group of gods and demigods to learn from. they meet when kiibo is dropped off at camp by a distraught sonia, and immediately recognize in the other something similar to themselves. they’re both entirely disconnected from human culture, but have a fascination with it to varying degrees. they’re both Different, and still learning how to exist in the world they’ve been cast into, and slowly over time realizing that the kind of ‘person’ they want to be, whatever that means…that inspiration might be a bit closer than they think.

- kaede & kokichi: oh i could write essays on these two i swear to god. another one that needs their own specialized post honestly there is So much here and basically none of it is reliant on v3 canon because we were given so little. i’ve built such a little world for these two in pointy objects it’s easily a top 3 dynamic like Period out of the whole fic it’s soooo important to me. people have pointed out they come across as deeply sibling-coded and that is 100% the intention. as previously mentioned, they were full-time campers early on (kokichi arrived before maki did, even, so they’ve known each other longer) and even back then kaede took it upon herself to tour new kids around camp and get to know them (partially because her other options were Adults, her less-than-ideal twin sister, and gonta who she knows but can’t talk pop culture or music with). i’m holding my tongue on certain Details here but they really have grown up with the faux-exasperated big sister and the playfully-annoying little brother dynamic. and on the surface they very much come across that way and have fun falling into those roles naturally. but there is a significant degree of mutual care between them that goes far beyond any prank or argument or fuck up. kaede, as frustrated as she was when kokichi snuck onto the rv and as serious as she was about her reservations regarding his role in their quest, still stuck to her guns and kept him included and safe once he was there, and genuinely meant it when she told them she believes in all of them more than she’s ever believed in anyone. for as obnoxious and as snide and as withdrawn he can be, in the same breath he’s calling kaede a hokey protag he’s diving between her and syo’s scissors without a second thought. he’s still offering kaede solemn, sincere comfort and reassurance in the aftermath of the call with nagito he hung up for her, and lashing out at anyone he thinks is judging her and going to make her feel worse. the two of them are everything to me. pointy objects kaede/kokichi friendship you will ALWAYS be famous

- shuuichi & kokichi: well we already saw everything up until now IN pointy objects, didn’t we? <3

ok bonus WINNIE ATTACK!!!!!!!!!!

#ask #bittercideristaken #pointy objects #dr #winnie #my face #only……Half kidding on that one thing. evan has turned me over to the dark side sorry i love the drama #one of my longest ask responses ever perhaps……i spent literal hours doing so u know #well…..ive got 5.5 hours left to go so back to the grind i go 🫠 this was fun while it lasted tho best distraction <3

6 notes · View notes

fawnofanxiety · 1 year ago

Text

Cursed fic idea

Okay look, Ezio Auditore is literally everything. There are times I've asked myself #whatwouldeziodo and then do the exact opposite because it'd probably involve murder.

James fucking Buchanan Barnes and The Winter Soldier have taken up residence in my brain and heart and are 100% there to stay.

Please tell me you see where this is going and have begun crying like I have been for the past 2 god damned months.

My brain decided that my favorite murder baby needed competent help in the form of the best assassin to ever exist. #fightme

SO! So *cries* I started sketching out a fic where Ezio gets yeeted into the MCU a la Isu Bullshit at some point during WW2. There's developing friend/mentorship when my favorite murder birb stumbles on Azzano bc you best believe he'd help the Italian Resistance and dismantle any and every scrap of Nazi supply line he can get his hands on. Like I can see Ezio rolling his eyes at Steve because ho boy does this blonde-haired blue-eyed innocent and idealistic child remind him of himself before- well before he became an assassin. Bucky? Well, Bucky is the man he became after taking his first leap of faith in Venice and his skills as a sniper are breathtaking. Can't really find fault in passing on intelligence to the SSR when he learns of Hydra and pointing the Howlies at this repulsive entity(they are absolutely adorable but he doesn't have the time to focus on giving them more than the bare minimum of time to pass on some of his skills and good lord do the ridiculous duo pick up skills fast. Though Steve frowns on the sneaky sneaky, whatever, they've saved his life more than once). Now, Ezio is the one to give them the info on the train and the soul-crushing guilt he feels when his favorite doesn't come back? When they don't even send a single person to try and recover his body?! That's not gonna fly. Unfortunately, he learns of this too late and well. We all know what happened to Bucky.

I can see Ezio getting to know Howard, understanding but ultimately disapproving of his obsession with finding Steve. After all, Ezio knows just how isolating that obsession can be. But, a sort of friendship? develops? Because Ezio is 100% a hypocrite. He spends every second of his free time trying to track down Bucky. There was no body but he found where he should have been.

Ezio being Ezio cultivates a... hm comfortable amount of wealth over the years and valiantly ducks questions about why tf he isn't aging. Isu Bullshit is my favorite excuse in the AC 'verse. I can see him talking about this to Howard and Peggy when he trusts them enough. Maybe. Maybe, he talks Howard down from building weapons, just a little, but can't completely stop his fall into alcoholism and being a shit father. Maybe, he falls completely under Tiny Tony's spell and becomes Uncle Ezio. Who 100% teaches Tony how to fight back and escape after his first kidnapping. Swapping out with Peggy when he's off searching for Bucky (who he's figured out is the WS but can't fucking track him down) but always always shows up for holidays, birthdays, graduations, science fairs, and silent support at the stuffy galas. Listens to this little boy, who reminds him of Petriccio, trip over himself talking about what he's learned and learning, his never-ending ideas and frustrations. (Jarvis fucking loves this wonderful Italian who also occasionally scares the shit out of him but ignorance is bliss and it's no skin off his back to wash the occasional blood stain out of Ezio's clothing and administer first aid.)

Maybe, he stops the WS from assassinating the Starks. Maybe, he helps Bucky find himself even if he can't do anything about the trigger words. Maybe he becomes a little more blood-thirsty, a little more ruthless when going after any and every Hydra outpost he can. Maybe he sits there and holds Bucky as he cries when Ezio finds the book. Stands behind him, in pride and grief with a hand on his shoulder as Bucky and Tony burn the damn thing. Maybe he whole-heartedly approves of Rhodes, even as Bucky gives the poor child the stink-eye. Is the one to give Tony the shovel talk when he notices the beginnings of attraction between these two idiots. The fact that Bucky proceeded to leave a whole host of bruises when he found out just makes Ezio laugh with pride.

Maybe, just maybe, Ezio finds himself sitting on the balcony of his villa on the outskirts of Florence watching the sunset over his sprawling vineyard with a glass of wine in his hand, his heartache over the family he left behind so very long ago on that bench in the middle of the summer market no longer suffocating. The faint sounds of his bright-eyed and brilliant nephew bickering with the haunted but hopeful man he proudly considers to be his son bring him a sense of peace he never thought he would have again.

#ezio auditore #tony stark #winter soldier #bucky barnes #winteriron #james buchanan barnes #assassin's creed #fanfic #cursed crossover #it's 3 fuckin am and idk what I'm doing with my life #if someone runs with this idea please for the love of god #tag me so i can cry over it #I could not stop the winteriron even on threat of death

12 notes · View notes

moonliched · 2 years ago

Note

I just wanna say I adore your fic so so much. Everything is so nice and entertaining. I certainly can't wait for the proper meeting of the complete fishy bois. Also you don't have to compare the assistant ai!! I love bon-bon so much that he's growing on me like algae/lh

I love how he just worries about Y/N when they just brush him off saying they're just another replaceable cog to this system. Like the way he goes.

"But you're a person."

Makes me think he's not really well versed in stuff and still learning and that's what makes him so cute and fascinating. Bonbon our only ally fr fr

ALSO MOON!!! HE'S SO ANXNJEJDJRJF I JUST WANNA SQUISH IM AND BITE HIM. SHAKE HIM LIKE A FERAL DOG W THEIR TOY.

A MENACE.

I still snicker at the misunderstandings like Y/N trying to run away and Moon just goes "Play? Play! FRIEND PLAY!!!"

He's like a cat batting at anything that moves SJXJJEJDJDNEKD

Can I ask what he was trying to do, throwing fish at Y/N? Like I initially thought it was like a thank you but HAHAHA I'm not so sure.

I cackled on the bit where "IT SHOULD'VE BEEN ME" Junior researcher. PLS YOU LITERALLY LIKE EXPOSED EVERY DCA ENJOYER.

NOT THE REDACTED IM FUCKING SOBBING OVER IT.

Bonbon literally has the normal reaction and reader's like wdym haha

I wanna ask so many questions but I must be patient and wait for everything to unravel OWOENDKSNDJD

Honestly I got curious and went to tumblr to see some extra content and it didn't disappoint.

I didn't expect the scene where Bronii and Y/N sees Moon glowing to be so ethereal looking!!!

He's sk beautiful augh. NOT ONLY HIM BUT OUR VERY OWN Y/N

Y/N is very pretty and i love them sm. I love the banter between them and BonBon. I just can't help but laugh that the bunny was going to jab about their ancestors in their oceanic planet.

I absolutely adore your AU and will keep rereading it <333333

I sincerely hope you recover well and take your time to heal before attempting to do more <333333 Put yourself first <3 we can wait

sneef aheem heem🥺 this is such a nice message🥺😭😭💕

i'm ecstatic you like it!!!!! tbh BON-BON is growing on me so algae-like that i need to elevate other characters so he doesn't overtake them😅 i'm sure some ppl know how it is when a supporting character kinda starts to overshadow the mains accidentally. but instead of cutting him down, the others will rise instead. also you're right, BON-BON has confidence but he's not as well-versed in relationships and social knowledge as he presents himself. he's naive, a little. and he has a mental hierarchy of AI at the bottom, living beings at the top that's being challenged by how carelessly Y/N is being treated.

i ADORE writing Moon! so when he was throwing the fish at Y/N, he was mimicking their tactic of using food to lure him forward. kinda like how they were doing with the crabs in that moment. he wanted to form some kind of trust using food and make them come closer. at that point he had yet to see them without their mask, so to his knowledge other communication methods like speech weren't available.

heeheehoo i wanted him to look very dazzling during the hypnotism scene🥰😳 and i noticed with half of his face covered with the esca he looks more human?? which would help with luring humans bc it kinda obscures the uncanny valley aspect of his usual face shape. i love drawing all of them!

i hope to update the fic soon! recovery isn't going as planned, so i'll be sure to rest, but i've been looking forward to answering this since i saw it in my inbox☺️and i love getting Q's about my fic. thank sm for such a nice message!!💞✨💗✨🌼💖

#ask #sorry for the delay #There Are Many Benefits #fnaf mermaid au

22 notes · View notes

jmflowers · 10 months ago

Note

I don't want to gush but gahhhhh I love hygge universe so muuuch!!! There's just something about how Maya and Carina interact with each other. They have a bunch of things to work out, Andrea is quirky and Bea is a handful but there's just so much love underneath. Ok just kidding...I'll gush.

I LOVE that you chose to come to my inbox and gush/not gush. Thank you soooooooo much. I actually read this aloud to my mom? (She wasn't as excited as I was, of course.)

Hygge Universe is one of my most prized creations because it's kept me company through like... a year and a half? Two years? Of my life. I always wanted to create a family!fic universe because @a-windsor 's Thing!Verse meant so much to me when I was just a wee little fic reader. I'd never found the right fandom for it, though.

And then I was in college and I was surrounded by men all the time, talking about men who made films and men who acted in films and men who told stories about men who did men things. It was like drowning every day, so I came home and wrote soft, loving stories about women who loved each other and their children and got to have happy endings.

I didn't know it at the time, but I was writing about a little boy whose fictional birth is just a couple months before my real nephew. (And almost exactly a month before my youngest niece, and mere days after my high school best friend's little girl...) I'm waiting to see if the universe pulls a fast one and bestows another child in my life who'd be the same age as Beatrice. We'll see...

But anyways, yeah! I wanted it to be a place where under everything, there was always love. Andrea was a slow-growing conglomerate of ideas shared by friends and pieces of people I love (mostly my brother) and snippets of his moms. I love his trajectory of starting out as this weird, nerdy, intelligent kid and growing into someone capable of putting himself and his own needs first, while still showing up and loving others. That's probably something I wish for my own brother, honestly. Andrea as a teenager and a young adult (I've written a fair bit for him that hasn't yet been shared) is just... cool and kind and adept at reading others. He's got jokes, too.

Bea, though... I think she came out of my head fully formed. There's never been much question for me of where she's going and what she's going to accomplish. I want so badly to have the time and the readership to tell her entire story. (Hopefully that dream comes true.) She's all the spunk of each of the second-borns in my family and a touch of the bravery I see in people I admire and so much of who Carina and Maya were when we first met each of their characters. She's one of those kids who start out sure of themselves and then face a setback and aren't really sure how to recover right away. But she does - I promise. There's a happy ending for both of these children who live in my head.

It means the world to me that anyone cares even a fraction of how much I care about this universe. It's been one of the greatest joys of my life to share it with others. Receiving the love refuels me to keep writing away at it, even though the deadline of the finale is looming. I hope this community that's been built still exists when the show is over. I'm not done telling stories about Station 19 yet.

#janelle's asks #I accidentally rambled oops #posting prompts and getting notifications and asks is filling my cup #so thank you all #I hope one day you all stop being scared and using the anonymous option??? I'd love to cradle your faces and whisper proviamoci at you #anonymous #hygge universe

5 notes · View notes

002yb · 2 years ago

Note

Current thoughts: The way Jason and Dick love each other and the strange balance they present through their dynamic by just existing within each other's presence that causes a state of neutralization.

Jason is akin to a state of intoxication

Because Dick is all anger and rage that has been bottled up and taught hard chains and lines to cope rather than a release - it festers into something ugly and brutal and always licks at the back of his teeth to be let out. It's bandaids given by the weeping over gaping vivisections performed by loss and grief that never go away, sometimes he’ll wake up and swear he can feel blood on his fingers - sliding down to stain the white sheets under him. And he’s mastered masking it - not touching it - not letting it heal but not letting anybody see and using it to fuel the hunger that gets him through the night, the relish of broken bones and justification.

And for the shitty start they had Dick never actually thought the kid who grated against him would become the soothing feeling of forgetting. Because when spikes fall to reveal something so soft and endearing it's as if Dicks brain rearranges its own anatomy - like his dopamine release was directly connected to the kid who skates around him with a taunting smile he can't help but bite playfully at. And the wound is still there - and Dick doesn't know if it'll ever actually heal but there's something more secure - because Jason sews him up and offers to wait until it turns into nothing but a scar. And maybe it'll never heal - but Jason is prepared to stay forever and the thought of a future with this ridiculous kid that's climbed his way into his open chest settles Dick in a way he hasn't known since he was in the circus.

Dick is likened to something of an addiction

Because for all Jason is hard thorns and armor - hostile architecture coating his skin like how they once chased him out of safe spaces on the street - it's to protect a softer inside. Jason’s actions are presented through anger - but they were transformed from a perpetually bleeding love - the kind that lets you crush his skull under your foot and he’ll love you from hell. It's tender in the hurt - and delicate in its state and so full it might burst - the love Jason harbors for the wicked. And Jason knows anger is the only thing he's capable of - and he doesn't know where to direct it but he keeps drowning in his own guts and he's drowning - drowning - and almost gone. Robin fights for justice, he has no idea what he fights for without the mask - violent caresses of a heart.

And then there's this pull - a tug, a draw, a heave - and he's being dragged forward and he doesn't know where but there's a direction now and it always leads back to eyes so blue they mimic the sky. Dick is an addiction - and Jason has a past with shit like this - but he thinks it might be ok this one because the bruises decorating his bones like a curse are slowly healing. It's found in the way his barbs and threats fall short - a manufactured high - they don't quite reach and eventually they wilt and fall off until he's left bare and vulnerable. It's presented messily but so endearingly in the way he seems to have a second metaphorical stomach that's always hungry for Dicks attention - and suddenly it's easier to know what to do. Because he might mess this up but as long as Dick is here he knows how to seek him out - there's an end goal and now there's a little dirt path highlighted by laughter and lazy smiles.

(ahh hope this one actually catches what i'm trying to say this was a struggle lmao - recovering from a tongue piercing is no joke.)(also ill for sure send an ask if i do make the writing blog!!)

Jason being intoxicating and Dick being addictive is such a concept and I think I actually really adore it (because I think this might actually be how I default write them LOL, especially in WtMBU/N&R verse and I know an addiction/intoxication motif reads as toxic but idc fffffffff). Thank you again anon for another lovely introspective on dickjay. It's so thought-provoking!! Also I wish you all the best with the new piercing; I'll be hoping for smooth sailings during the recovery. (｡･ω･｡)ﾉ♡

Your analysis on Dick is a take I'm so immensely fond of though. There's nothing I adore more than when someone explores the darker side of this man. The side of him that's hurt and stays hurting because he never lets himself heal - because he's healed wrong. The side of him that's vicious and volatile, cold and cruel. It's not that Dick is always this way; it's not the forefront of his personality/character, but it's there. He's capable of wicked things: violent, ugly, brutal. Dick carries so much grief with him that it wrecked him, ruined him. With the hard lines he's learned to cope through, where else can his rage go but to tearing at his own skin and through his muscle; blood caked under his nails and lungs overfull from all the screams he's had to swallow down.

The self-restraint Dick is capable of is self-harm called discipline because it's nicer, more respectable. It's a slow and cruel death, but over time Dick has resigned himself to rot - psyche too tired from the burdens: I can't, I shouldn't, I won't.

Dick not being broken, per se, but fractured. No one being the wiser. Because even with wounds that healed poorly or broken bones that set wrong, Dick is strong. He's all fortitude and resilience. He knows how to push himself - there's no line for him to toe there. So Dick pushes and pushes until he's run down, burned out and smiling despite the burden because he can bear it. And no one need know.

But of course grief isn't kind. It leaves him introspective and withdrawn. He can put on a show when needed, but at his most honest Dick is just...quiet. Still. A sharp contrast to how he's usually dynamic and bright and wild.

Unrelated tangent indented below whoops

Lately (possibly for a while lol) I've really taken to the missed opportunity idea of Dick seeing Jason as the wounded part of himself [Dick] that never stopped hurting. Because here came Jason, Robin, wearing Dick's mantle and dressed in Dick's colors - every bit the part of Dick that Dick lost when his life fell apart.

Dick recognizes who he was, who he could have been, in Jason and it's - disconcerting. He hates it. Which would lead to such beautiful conflict that Jason wouldn't understand because he hasn't done anything wrong and Dick can't find the words to explain that it's not Jason that Dick hates, it's Dick. That's why he's cold and distant; it's cruel to walk away, but running from himself is all Dick could think to do.

Jason would make it so simple, too. Because Jason sees the wonderful things of Dick that Dick is too disconnected to remember about himself. Robin brought people hope and Jaybin would do the same for Dick. Jason would talk about Robin being magic, but the truth is that Robin was never anything magical. Jason brought that magic to Robin all his own. He brought it to Dick.

And basically it'd be this story of Dick coming to love Jason and also himself and uh oh I've derailed myself back to our regularly scheduled reply

~Warning for romanticizing of 'darker' analogies below~

Anyway, Jason being intoxicating. This. A big thank you for this, because this is such a striking analogy. With how this relates to Dick though, since this reply has veered strong that direction LOL. But yes, Dick finding Jason intoxicating; Dick being intoxicated by Jason.

Jason lowering Dick's inhibitions. Jason taking the edge off (the mental fatigue, the physical strain). That heady feeling of warmth and calm that Jason affords Dick would be addicting in its own right. For someone so controlled, Jason would be freedom.

In this same vein, Dick being addicting and Jason 'having a past with shit like that,' and 'thinking it might be okay this one time,' and knowing the dangers of thinking like that but doing it anyway because he's been hooked from the start and the high of being with Dick - having his time, his company; being teased by him, adored by him, loved by him - Jason can't go back. He wants more and more.

~ End of romanticizing ? ~

Jason falls back on anger because it's dangerous to be anything softer. He makes himself difficult because at his core he's starved and that's something easily preyed on, taken advantage of (he would know). Even still, he's greedy for attention, affection; respect, acknowledgement. And it's not like Jason is stupid or naive; he's aware enough to know not to give himself away only...he does. Time and again because loathe as he is to admit it, this boy is desperate and hurting. So he gives everything of himself away; he has patience in spades because he knows what it is to be hurt - his tolerance for it puts him in a position to be hurt again and again and he doesn't necessarily justify it, but he puts up with it. He goes back for more, a glutton for punishment or maybe because it's all he's really known. Maybe it's all he feels he deserves.

And it's no different when Jason makes himself a space in Dick's life. Jason is attracted to troubled people; like attracts like.

Maybe Dick would be the same as everyone else Jason has met. There would be a sharp learning curve because Dick is used to giving and Jason takes whatever is offered. Where am I going with this we're veering fast into dark waters LOLOL. But uh. Yep.

Basically ybb appreciates protective!dark!Dick trope.

I've burned myself out on this reply; it's been an adventure hahaha. Not even joking btw, this ask just called out what feels like the next few pieces of my N&R series LOLOL.

Thank you again, anon~ always a pleasure to see a message from you. (人´∀｀)+ﾟ:｡ﾟ+

#dickjay #dick grayson #jason todd

37 notes · View notes

kochanski · 2 years ago

Text

Study Buddy

Rimmer/Lister, rated E, no content warnings apply. Pre-accident fic. Rimmer is trying to study for his astro-navigation exams. Lister decides to distract him. (This is a repost so you can read while AO3 is down/for further archival purposes.)

"I haven't even said anything yet!" What a way to walk in the door on a Saturday morning. Lister only had a few hours to crash and recover from last night's drunken tomfoolery so he'd be prepared for tonight's drunken tomfoolery, and his roommate had carpeted the bunkroom in a colorful patchwork of neon squares. "What's all this?"

"Forget it, Lister."

"You know what they are," Rimmer hissed from the eye of the storm. "They're my revision timetables, and I was trying to organize them before you bungled into the room and destroyed an entire seven percent of all my hard work!"

Lister looked down. He'd stepped on one of the hundreds of papers Rimmer had strewn about the place.

"I thought you just failed the last exam. Don't you have months before you can retake it?"

"Exactly! I only have five months, twenty-eight days and three hours, so I have to organize my study time effectively or I'll never pass."

"Or," Lister offered, hesitant to even bring it up, "you could come out with me tonight. Me and the guys. Blow off some steam, y'know, maybe even take Kochanski's advice to heart and get laid."

"By who?" Rimmer snorted, gesturing at himself. "You've said it yourself- I have a snowball's chance of finding someone who'll put up with this."

"C'mon, man, you're not bad-looking. Just put on a short-sleeved shirt and keep your mouth shut."

"No thank you," Rimmer said. "Despite your best efforts to undermine me, Lister, I actually happen to have life goals that don't involve notches in my bedpost or setting the record for how many peanuts I can stick up my nose."

"I dunno, I think you could beat me at that second one by a long shot," Lister snickered, but he started towards his bunk, trying to tiptoe between the mess of paper and highlighters with little success. "You could do a lot of things if you just took a break from endless revisions and locking yourself in stasis."

"Forget it, Lister," he repeated. "Nothing you say or do can distract me. Go to bed."

Lister paused mid-tiptoe.

"Nothing?"

"Absolutely nothing."

"So anything I do, you're just going to keep on drawing squares with those stupid markers?"

"Yes!" He crossed his arms, nostrils flaring. "What don't you get about the concept? I am mentally shutting out everything and everyone that isn't a revision timetable, because I have to get this done today."

"Alright," Lister smirked, and he kicked up a cloud of pink and yellow on his way to grab his guitar.

"Very mature," Rimmer retorted, picking up the lime green and trying his best to ignore the situation.

Lister sat on Rimmer's thin mattress and twisted the knobs on the top bit of the guitar until the strings were as discordant from one another as he could make them. Rimmer wouldn't be able to tell the difference- he thought everything Lister played was trash- but might as well go the whole hog, anyway, right?

"Met me a girl, straight from Mars, and she spent all my money and broke my heart," Lister sang, savoring every last little crack in Rimmer's concentration. "Then I got me a date with a bird from Jupiter, yeah, fools rush in but I was stupider-"

It wasn't working nearly as well as he'd expected it would, though. Rimmer barely winced when he sang the verse about the bloke from Venus.

"Are you done?" he asked impassively when the song was over. "I'd like to put on some Tchaikovsky to cleanse my palette now, if you don't mind."

"What the smeg is a chai cough ski? A sport you do when you're sick in the Himalayas? D'you chug a cup of tea and try to keep it down while you're slalom-ing between the trees?" He mimed holding a pair of ski sticks and waggled his feet.

"For-get it, Lister," Rimmer said a third time, standing up and starting to walk to the locker where he kept his record collection. "I'm not dignifying your pathetic attempt at a joke with a response."

"You already have responded, though," Lister said, still unsure what exactly Rimmer had said. "I've won."

Rimmer paled and stopped in his tracks. Then, slowly, without disturbing his pile of highlighters, he silently sat back down and began furiously coloring in another of his squares.

"What? You're gonna just ignore me, then?"

No response.

"C'mon, Rimmer, I was just trying to loosen you up. You don't have to give me the silent treatment."

Nothing.

Well, Lister couldn't have that. He tossed the guitar up top and got down on the floor, peering over Rimmer's shoulder. Yeah, maybe invading his space was low-hanging fruit, but Lister'd always had stubby arms.

"Two hours for reviewing spherical trigonometry? You think that's enough?"

"Brush your teeth if you're going to talk directly into my ear," Rimmer said, but he shivered a little.

Hmm.

No, this was a horrible idea. And Lister was still clearly a bit buzzed if he was even considering it, and it seemed a bit on the cruel side as far as pranks went.

But Rimmer had said nothing would distract him. And that Lister could do absolutely anything.

"I thought you weren't s'posed to pay me any attention?" he murmured in a low voice, moving closer, so that he was sure his breath hit Rimmer's ear and neck.

"I'm not. I'm- I'm simply thinking aloud. To myself." His ears were red. "It just happens that I think you reek of watered-down beer."

"Well, you smell good, at least," Lister continued, leaning in to press his nose into Rimmer's hair. "You always smell kind of like laundry." It was a totally awkward attempt at flirting, horrible, but he was tired beyond belief. Lister's last good brain cells had gone on strike, and he was left with whatever half-witted scabs the boss had dragged up to do the job.

Not that it mattered to good old Arnie. He'd actually stopped coloring for a second, the ever-turning cogs in his head grinding to a violent halt. He leaned forward, brushing Lister away, and started scribbling like a madman.

"This is a losing game you're playing. All you're doing is making yourself look stupid and desperate. Time is of the essence, and I absolutely won't get mixed up in whatever slime-brained ideas you have about my sexuality."

"Hang on, who said anything about sexuality?" Lister grinned. "I just said you smelled nice, and then I smelled you."

"Ah, I'd forgotten, you and your Neanderthal friends think this type of behavior is normal. You all smell each other's crotches and pick fleas off one another in lieu of a hello or a handshake."

"Still just thinkin' aloud? 'Cause it sounds like you're having a conversation with me now."

"Troglodyte," Rimmer spat, and nearly put a hole in the paper with the pink highlighter.

Lister touched his back, lightly, just fingertips, and Rimmer flinched for a second but tried not to react.

"C'mon, Rimmer, relax. It's a Saturday. Saturdays are meant for lazing about and recoverin' from the long work week, not for stressing yourself out over a stupid exam that's six months from now."

Rimmer really looked like he wanted to correct Lister that it was five months and however many days and hours, but his mouth stayed shut. It was almost a shame, because normally Lister couldn't get him to be quiet for five minutes on a good day.

Lister moved his hand across Rimmer's back in soft strokes. His nose and mouth nuzzled into the corner where Rimmer's left shoulder met his neck. He could feel the skin get hotter, feel that Rimmer had forgotten how to think for a moment, the annoying marker-on-paper noise stopping entirely.

"Lister," he gasped, before remembering himself. "I- Lister! Look what you've done! Six o'clock on the fourteenth was supposed to be blue, and you've gone and made me fill it in with orange."

"Come on, Rimmer, just leave it."

"Can't you just go to bed and leave me to my misery like you normally do? Why torment me like this? Why today, of all days, when I'm doing something this important?" He sounded actually exasperated, somewhere between whining and pleading, and Lister might or might not have felt a tiny pang of guilt.

"Someone has to save you from yourself. Besides, if I went to sleep in here you'd either wake me up 'cause I was snorin' too loud, or I'd end up covered in timetable when you ran out of room on the floor." Lister wrapped his arms around Rimmer's waist from behind, leaning forward. "Just admit I've won, put the markers away, an' I'll quit bothering you. We can chalk the whole thing up to me being drunk, never speak of it again."

"No."

"No?"

Rimmer set down the highlighter and pulled Lister's arms apart, turning around to face him with this strangely calm look on his face. It was the same kind of weird serenity that usually happened right before he was about to do something insane, and Lister's stomach wrapped itself in knots.

"Lister, do you know what time it is?"

"What time is it?"

"One-thirty in the afternoon," Rimmer said in a monotone, "and according to schedule, I should have finished the timetables by one. Perhaps a few minutes I could have made up here and there, but half an hour?"

"So…"

"So I'm going to have to re-do all of it. All five months and twenty-eight days and so on. I'll have to write it all out and reschedule everything. Every last bit. And you-" Rimmer reached forward, grabbing Lister by the collar. "Help me," he choked, and it was more of a plea than the command he'd probably intended.

So Lister helped him.

He pressed his mouth squarely against Rimmer's, half-surprised when there was no resistance- but, yeah, no, Rimmer'd probably been relieved for an excuse to quit making himself miserable.

Rimmer had no clue how to kiss back, but his fist tightened around the fabric of Lister's shirt, yanking him closer, and that was good as anything. Lister broke the kiss, moving his hands up to cup Rimmer's face.

"Open your mouth," he said gently, and Rimmer opened it wide like he was at his annual checkup. "Alright, don't unhinge your jaw. Just-" He grabbed Rimmer's chin with his finger and thumb, moving his jaw upward until they were both properly positioned. It felt sort of like a movie kiss, like one of those black-and-whites, and he tried to channel Cary Grant as best he could as he pressed their lips together. He wanted this to be as perfect as possible, he thought, without really thinking about why he was doing any of it.

As Lister pushed his way into Rimmer's mouth, he was met with this little whiny sort of noise. God, he hadn't expected this to be so hot, but it was- Rimmer's whimpering in this context set all his nerve endings on fire. He stroked the side of Rimmer's face, slow, keeping rhythm. The kiss was the same way- Lister would lurch forward a bit, then pull back, scraping his teeth against Rimmer's bottom lip on his way out. If nothing else, he'd never been told he was a bad kisser. He only pulled away completely when he realized Rimmer wasn't breathing.

"You-" Rimmer panted, red-faced, letting go of Lister's shirt. He'd stretched out the neck of it beyond repair. "That isn't at all what I meant by helping."

"Well, I'm not about to spend the next ten hours doing the color-by-number from hell." Lister let his hands fall to Rimmer's shoulders. "I can think of better things to do, eh?"

"If you're asking my permission to- to have your way with me, I'm not going to just say it."

"Why not? What's the worst that can happen?"

"You're drunk."

"More hungover than anything," Lister argued, "and exhausted."

"Well, exactly. You're not in your right mind, as proven by the way you just forced yourself on me, so it's better if this doesn't go any further."

"Now hang on, that's not fair. We were both having a good time-"

"Having a good time. You thought that was good?"

"Wait, are you saying it wasn't good?"

"No, I mean- you thought it was good, you kissing me? That it was something you actually liked?"

"I don't know how to explain this, Rimmer, but you're not a hideous beast. Somebody might actually fancy you someday if you'd just let them."

"So this wasn't just a prank. You… meant to do this."

"It is a prank, but I also liked it. Smeg, it can be that simple." Lister slid his hands down from Rimmer's shoulders to his chest. "Come on. Give me a real reason we shouldn't."

"It's difficult to switch bunkroom assignments. As you well know."

"Why's that a problem?"

"Well, afterward, when you regret it, and you can't get rid of me." Rimmer said it without hesitation, in his same prim tone of disdain, like it was fact. Like it was some holy scripture somebody had carved on a rock ten thousand years ago, or some kind of scientific law everyone had memorized by primary school. E equals em cee squared. Nobody will ever like Arnold Rimmer enough to shag him twice.

It was depressing, was what it was.

"Look," Lister started, uncertain. This had all been completely impulse up to this point, and he hadn't come prepared to give Rimmer a pep talk. "We've been stuck together hating each other's guts for the better part of two years, right? What if we just tried something different for a bit?"

"Oh, like what? You can't expect me to believe you're actually, genuinely proposing-" He paled. "You are, aren't you."

"So?"

"You're just doing this because Kochanski dumped you, and she was the last woman on this ship with the unfortunate lack of self-respect to sleep with you sober."

"I dunno, you're sober, and you seemed pretty happy to have my tongue halfway down your throat a minute ago, didn't you?"

"You- I- well, who can have self-respect when they've gone and ruined their one chance at acing the exam? Anyone would feel depressed after that. You're the one taking advantage."

"Right, fine, then, I give up. I'm going to bed." Lister let go of Rimmer.

"Don't do that," he protested. "I haven't properly rejected you yet."

"Well, hurry up and pull the trigger. The bars open at four, so I only really have about two hours of good sleep before Petersen calls me up again."

"Alright, I will."

"Great," Lister said, shaking his head and pushing himself up into a squat, but in the next instant Rimmer had him flat against the floor, paper rustling beneath them. "Oh," he grinned.

"Don't say a single word."

"S'that an order?"

"I… maybe it is."

"You know I don't follow those."

"What if I make you?"

"Make me?" Lister echoed, delighted. Smeg, Rimmer was going to boss him around. How far could he push this? "You can't make me do anything. You're the second-to-last rung on the ladder."

"I'm the second technician," Rimmer insisted, "which means you're beneath me both literally and figuratively. You're a worm," he continued, moving his hands up Lister's chest, "and you should be grovelling at my feet, begging for your life like the insect you are."

He was good at this. Or maybe he earnestly believed it. Either way, whatever retort Lister had died in his throat and he nodded.

"Glad we finally understand each other." Rimmer took a deep breath, clearly trying to summon something. Courage, maybe. Or he was trying to ward off his disgust. "Er- what do I do next?"

Lister shrugged- not a single word, right- and pointed at his mouth.

"Not that again- not until you've brushed your teeth," Rimmer complained. "Somewhere else."

Lister pointed downwards.

"Oh, shut up," Rimmer said, grabbing his hands. "I'll figure it out."

He leaned forward, pushing Lister's chin back until it pointed towards the ceiling. He peppered soft kisses over Lister's neck, if you could call them that. They were less kisses and more Rimmer clumsily smushing his mouth and nose against Lister's skin, but it wasn't bad. Actually, it felt sort of nice, having Rimmer's full concentration leveled at him in a way that didn't involve yelling or a trip to the captain's office. He let out a sigh of contentment.

"You like that?"

Lister nodded.

"Can I…" Rimmer toyed with the too-loose neck of his poor ruined T-shirt. "I want this off," he said, quieter with each syllable.

Lister grinned, pushing Rimmer into an upright position. He shimmied out of his jacket with some difficulty, pulling his shirt up over his head and flinging it vaguely towards the hamper.

"Better," Rimmer said. "You're so eager to follow orders, now that you think you're getting something out of it. It's frankly disgusting."

"Yeah? You want me to start disobeying?"

"No. I'm just saying, think of all the time and effort we could have saved if you'd have listened to me from the start." His hands started exploring, and Lister's skin prickled everywhere his fingers touched. They were a lot softer than he'd expected, although it made sense. Rimmer never did any of the actual work, when would he have developed callouses? "Imagine. If I'd offered to have sex with you years ago, we could have been so efficient together. Why, we'd have rocketed straight to the top of the ladder."

"You think so? That's what was holdin' you back so long, not havin' proper access to my cock?"

"I-" Rimmer froze. "That's not what I meant, and you know it."

"I mean, I agree. Maybe if I'd been reamin' you every night, you'd be relaxed enough to score higher than a seven on your exams."

"This is why I wanted you to stay quiet," Rimmer said, and he leaned forward and pressed a shaky kiss to Lister's mouth. His hands didn't stop, cupping and squeezing Lister's chest like they were the best pair of knockers he'd ever felt up- probably true- and grazing his thumbs over both nipples. Lister squirmed.

"Feels weird."

"Isn't this what you're supposed to do?"

"Yeah, with girls. Nobody's done this on my tits before."

"Well, is it good weird or bad weird?"

"I can't tell." It felt vaguely uncomfortable, like when you hit the wrong spot digging lint out of your belly button, but on the other hand, that electric tingle seemed to feed right into the warm arousal happening in his groin.

Rimmer scooted down and kissed one of his nipples, the dirty bastard, opened his mouth and licked it, and Lister made up his mind very quickly that this was a thing he liked.

"Keep doing that," he breathed. Rimmer's tongue was hot, and when he moved to the other side Lister could feel cold air on the wet spot he'd left. His hips moved upwards of their own volition into Rimmer's stomach. "God, Rimmer, yes. Just like that."

"Keep still," Rimmer complained, grabbing Lister's hips, and of course that didn't help things. "If you keep fidgeting I'm not going to be able to concentrate on what I'm doing."

"I'm fidgeting because you're doing a good job."

"Well, I'm hardly going to be able to keep up my stellar performance if you squirm like that," he continued, clearly not getting it. "Just lay still."

"Rimmer, I'm not going to be able to lay completely still. I'm not Rachel."

"You- how do you know about Rachel?"

"C'mon, man, you're not subtle. I always have to keep an ear out for squeaking before I come in the door." Lister shook his head. "I'm the real thing, alright, I'm gonna move and react, and it's a good thing. Means you're driving me up the wall."

"I am?"

"Yeah," Lister said, dropping into a softer, huskier tone. "I want it bad, Rimmer. I want you."

"You want me," he repeated, skeptical, but his face was going pink again. "Are you- er- clean?"

"C'mon, you know they screen us constantly for that sort of thing."

"I meant physically clean, Lister, you idiot. I'm not going to take off these trousers if it means chemical warfare."

"I just showered yesterday morning," he protested. "You were there."

"Yesterday morning was before a night of debauchery and drinking."

"If you're going to be annoying about it, I'll make do with over-the-clothes, alright?"

"No," Rimmer said firmly. "I've already completely debased myself, there's no point in doing things halfway now."

"Look, do whatever's comfortable, not what you think you have to." Lister reached up, stroking the spot where Rimmer's jaw met his neck. "We're here to have ourselves a good time, and you don't have anything to prove, right?"

"I'd say there's a lot to prove, actually-"

"Rimmer. Turn your brain off. I want you and I like what you're doing."

Maybe being blunt did the trick, because he seemed to relax a bit.

"Alright. You first, and then me. Sound good?"

"Yeah, stellar."

"Lights off," Rimmer said, then fumbled in the dark with the fly of Lister's trousers. "Smeg."

"I've got it." Lister reached down and unzipped. He took Rimmer's hand, gently, and placed it over his crotch. Maybe there was something to the whole blindness-enhancing-your-senses thing, because he swore he could hear every minor change in Rimmer's breathing. He was either incredibly anxious or really aroused, judging by the way his breath hitched. Could be both.

"Lister," he started, hesitant. "How… I mean, obviously you just- how do I-"

"Move your hand up and down," Lister sighed. "Just pretend it's yours."

"Right, but if I can't feel it, how am I supposed to know if it's too rough? What if I… break it?"

"Break it?" Lister didn't know whether to laugh or zip his pants back up immediately. "How smegging hard's your death grip, man?"

"No, I mean, how do I know if I'm doing it right?"

"Well, if I'm not screamin' at you to stop, you're probably on the right track, yeah? I'm easy to please."

"Emphasis on easy," Rimmer retorted, and Lister was about to say something back, but Rimmer was peeling back his underwear.

He tested the waters, gingerly wrapping his fingers around Lister's shaft and applying light pressure. Then squeezed gently. Then a little tighter.

"That's good," Lister said. "Right there."

"It's wet," Rimmer complained. "You're over-excited already, aren't you?" He moved his hand slowly from base to tip and back, once, twice, three times, achingly slow. "You like this."

"Yeah, I do. I do," Lister repeated, grinding his hips up against Rimmer's fist. Any extra friction, anything to get him to pick up the pace. Lister's temperature was rising, unbearably warm, and his few remaining brain cells had all but melted away by this point. The only thought he could keep in his mind for more than a second was that Rimmer- his Rimmer, his annoying bunkmate, total straight-laced prick, had him lying naked on the floor arching his back.

"Tell me… tell me you like me," Rimmer tried, voice a little softer.

"I like you," Lister babbled. "I like you so much. God, you're so weirdly sexy, I honestly didn't think I'd be this desperate, but you're just so-" Kissing. Rimmer was kissing him all of a sudden, sloppy, just kind of wriggling his tongue around in there- but it was good, even if Rimmer didn't know what he was doing in the slightest. He sucked Rimmer's tongue and was rewarded with another one of those shaky, whiny noises. Too bad the lights were off- he would have thrown away half his salary to see the look on Rimmer's face then they pulled apart.

"I'm- I'm going to try something, and you can't laugh at me if it goes sideways." His voice was a little more determined. Clearly, he'd gained confidence somehow.

"Yeah, I'm game. Anything you want."

A bit of shuffling as Rimmer repositioned himself between Lister's legs.

He hadn't really expected much of anything, certainly nothing shocking- maybe Rimmer was going to use his left hand instead of his right- but oh, oh, all of a sudden his cock was in Rimmer's mouth.

A wave of pleasure rolled through him. Rimmer's whole tongue-waggling technique was a hell of a lot more effective brushing rhythmically against his head. "Ahh- just- just watch your teeth, alright?"

"Mmph."

"Finally found a way to shut you up," Lister laughed, and that stopped Rimmer dead in his tracks.

"If I recall, this started because you wanted me to talk to you." He could picture the furrowed brow, the annoyed frown, maybe softened with a hint of fondness. Wishful thinking.

"I just wanted your attention," Lister admitted. "I like when you pay attention to me, Arn."

"You- I- shut up and let me do this," Rimmer snapped, clearly flustered. Ah- he'd hit some sort of nerve.

"I mean it," he struggled, trying to find coherent words in the tangled state of sensation his brain was in. Rimmer was licking up the length of him, exploring at his leisure, and Lister only half-managed to suppress a groan when he found a ridge on the underside to rub against. "Mmn- you're so good at this- driving me mad-"

Rimmer put him back in his mouth, sucking tight around his cock, and- his hips jerked forward- with a jolt of molten, white-hot energy, he felt himself tumble over the edge. Smeg. He'd meant to say something before shooting a load into Rimmer's mouth, but-

"Lister?!" Rimmer sounded horrified.

"Sorry, man, I wasn't- I didn't expect to-"

"I swallowed it."

"You what?"

"It wasn't on purpose! What do I do, I mean- should I try to make myself throw up, or-"

"It's not poison."

"Well, I don't imagine it's good for you, either!" A pause. "And it won't- well, of course it wouldn't- I don't have the parts…"

"You're not gonna get pregnant, you prat!" He couldn't help laughing. "What sort of sex education do they have on Io?"

"Not the same-sex kind," Rimmer mumbled, hurt. Lister sighed and leaned forward into the dark, a scrap of timetable stuck to his upper back. He found Rimmer's shoulders, then the collar of his shirt, and finally his jaw, pressing an earnest kiss against Rimmer's lips.

"It's alright. Promise I'll pay the child support."

"That's disgusting. You know what's just been in my mouth."

"So? Maybe I like it." Lister pulled his underwear back up and shifted into a more comfortable position, leaning against the bottom bunk. "Anyway, we agreed on taking turns. Come on. You're next."

"That's hardly necessary. Really. I think I've gone through my phase, I've had my experience, and I'm done."

"If you really mean that, then I'll go on and get me clothes back on, but… so far, you've been kind of shit at telling me what you really want. I mean, you accuse me of coming onto you and then jump my bones the next second."

"Well," Rimmer said, cautiously, "what if you just… held me while I did it?"

"Alright." He reached out again, swinging Rimmer's legs over his lap. Like this, Rimmer could lean against his shoulder- did, actually, and his cheek was red-hot. Lister smiled and wrapped his arms around Rimmer's waist, tight. "Feeling cozy enough?"

"Cozy." Rimmer scoffed. "Sure. Chocolate and marshmallows next to a roaring fire."

"Can I kiss you during, or is this a totally hands-off sort of thing?"

"Again, I have your… your sperm in my mouth."

"Can't be worse than what I had for breakfast."

"Fine, then." Rimmer lifted his head. "If you- if you really want to, I suppose you can kiss me."

"Brutal," Lister grinned, finding Rimmer's lips and nipping at the bottom one with his teeth. Rimmer seemed to like being bitten, the way he dug his fingernails into Lister's arm, squirmed. This was probably a first for him, right? Lister pulled away, nuzzling Rimmer's cheek, and worked his way back until he could get Rimmer's earlobe gently between his teeth.

"Lister, are you trying to eat me?" His tone was half-incredulous, but strained, and he'd dug his nails in again.

"Yeah, guess I am." Lister grabbed Rimmer by the jaw, tilting his head so that he could get at the skin of his neck.

"That…" The argument died in Rimmer's throat, replaced by a soft, meek "okay."

Rimmer still smelled good, like pressed laundry, like aftershave, though the room around them was starting to smell of sex. His skin was way softer than it had any right to be- probably the regular bathing, the constant exercise, the annoying bottles of moisturizing such-and-such that crowded his locker. Lister bit down a little harder. Maybe it felt better than it should have, ruining Rimmer's stupid perfect skin. Maybe he'd leave a mark, right above the collar, annoyingly hard to cover up without being obvious about it.

"Lister," Rimmer groaned, one hand digging into Lister's back. The other had started to move back and forth, slowly, and Lister realized with a twinge of arousal that he was feeling himself up through his pants. Smeg.

"Such a hypocrite," he murmured against Rimmer's neck. "You keep callin' me disgusting and easy and everything, but I bet you won't last more than a minute if I keep this up."

"That's beside the point," Rimmer argued.

"Which point? The part where you gave me a handjob, or the one where you sucked me off?"

"Lister-" His tone was angry, but his hand was moving faster.

"I mean it. You're a total whore, I mean, now that you finally have someone to mess around with. You've been dying for a chance to do this, haven't you? You been rubbing one out, thinking about how good my cock would feel in your mouth?"

"Yes," Rimmer choked. "God, I- there's no excuse- I just wanted-"

"It's okay," Lister said, moving the hand that wasn't supporting Rimmer down his chest. If they had time, he would have unbuttoned the ugly beige uniform, slipped his hand under the tight white cotton shirt he knew was underneath. Maybe switched the light back on so he could have a proper look. But Rimmer was probably pretty close, judging by the way he was whimpering. "You deserve this. You needed this. And I liked giving it to you. You're so handsome, Rimmer, and you're such a good lay, really," he continued. "You're so good at this. Even this- if I had a round two in me, Rimmer, be on my knees begging you for it, I swear."

"Please," Rimmer whined, probably only having processed the word begging. "Please, Lister, please?"

"Alright," Lister shrugged, and he caught Rimmer's skin between his teeth again, and Rimmer shuddered, letting out a pained moan.

It really hadn't taken much at all to get him off, and Lister was sorry he hadn't had more time to try things.

"Alright," Rimmer panted. "You've had your fun. You can go back to tormenting me now. Tell all your stupid little friends I'm desperately homosexual, take out an ad in the ship newsletter."

"Actually, this is normally the part where we get a pizza and a bunch of curries and stay in bed for three days straight."

"Ah. Right. The only times I ever got peace and quiet were when you'd bugger off to some bimbo's bunkroom for a week-"

"Well, now you get to be the bimbo." Lister really wished he could make out more than faint outlines- Rimmer's expression was probably priceless. Yeah, enough. "Lights on."

It was a disaster- Rimmer's study schedule was scattered around them, torn and wrinkled; Lister's pants were still pulled halfway down, and his shirt had somehow made it around the top of one of the chairs when he'd tossed it aside.

And Rimmer- red-faced, rumpled, his tie crooked, a definite damp spot on the front of his pants. Beautiful.

"I need a shower," he squeaked, "and before you say a damned word, you aren't invited."

"Aw."

"When I come out, I want all the paper off the floor, and I expect you to be- less naked. Then we'll… we can discuss the idea of me not immediately putting in a reassignment request."

"Works for me," Lister grinned. Rimmer started to clamber out of his arms, but he pulled him back in. "Wait."

"What?"

Lister gave him a quick peck on the lips.

"Right. Need to brush my teeth, too," Rimmer bristled, but he looked flustered-mad instead of angry-mad.

Hmmm. Lister threw his shirt back on, kicking the abandoned timetables into a messy pile by the hamper. All things considered, this had been one of the few times an impulse decision had worked out well. Maybe, when Rimmer got out of the shower, he could convince him to cuddle in the lower bunk and watch a movie or two. At the very least, he was sure Rimmer's mind was as far from the astronavigation exam as it could possibly get.

"Holly, can you send Petersen a quick message?" he asked. "Tell him I'm busy tonight. Last minute plans."

#red dwarf #rimster #writing

14 notes · View notes