#/ but health stuff & just irl in general got insane for a bit ( it's not much better now but it's just slower now ).

[sp1ed]

peeks my head in here after barely being active for the past 3 months

[fragileswift1313]

Mrs Maisel Musings!

Kia ora, friends!

Alright, here it is folks, the moment maybe some, maybe none of you have been waiting for: my thoughts on the The Marvellous Mrs Maisel final season. I did it, I finally got it done. I think the reason it took me so long, aside from previously mentioned mental health issues, is that writing stuff like this for five hundred and sixteen minutes of television is hard! It’s really hard. I would love to hear what you all think of this, and if you want to discuss what I’ve written here, or even just about the show or season in general, please hit me up! I would love to talk about it with you.

Now enough with the delays and the stalling - please enjoy my review (??) of The Marvellous Mrs Maisel season 5, the final season.

So, I really liked the first few seasons of The Marvellous Mrs Maisel. Even though it’s a bit cheesy and dopey at times. Rachel Brosnahan is a joy to watch on-screen, and a lot of the other actors here do a really great job with the script they were given... such as it is. On a recent rewatch, though, I started to see the strings a little bit - things that I liked the first time around just didn’t quite hit the same. I got through most of it, all the important parts, and then I started the new season. It’s been a couple weeks or so since I finished it, and I’m not as down on it now as I was when I started, but y’all, I am about to have some opinions.

This the final Mrs Maisel season really feels like creator Amy Sherman-Palladino probably wanted to do at least one more season after this, but someone at Jeff’s Website Studios said no, so she simply decided to burn the show to the ground.

Now as I wrote in the subtitle, I am about to spoil things here, so this is your final warning: if you don’t want to be spoiled for season five of The Marvellous Mrs Maisel, get out now.

Also: foul language ahead! 🤬

The entire point of this season seems to be leaning into how much of a piece of shit Miriam Weissman is. We get glimpses of her in “current day” 1962 juxtaposed with scenes set in 1972 and 1982, and a couple of other random years, where we skip around and see all sorts of wild stuff - Midge is rich and famous, her kids Ethan and Esther are all grown up, Joel is in prison, and there are some bonkers and hilariously bad facial prosthetics.

Now, aside from the hilariously stupid idea that Midge as a stand-up comic somehow got insanely rich, there are some cool ideas here. The first episode opens with Esther in a psychiatrists office in 1981, searching through a backpack for something and seeming very annoyed. On first watch, I didn’t like that this is something that’s shown at all, but the more I thought about it the more I warmed to the idea. In previous seasons, The Marvellous Mrs Maisel has at times made a point of showing Midge being a terrible and/or absent mother, usually for comedic effect, but I think it’s interesting that they took this idea and bore it out, to show that mid-20’s Midge’s actions had consequences. In a later episode we also see Ethan as an adult, with Midge annoyingly landing in a helicopter nearby and upsetting everyone - this wasn’t as interesting to me, but it was still a good glimpse into how little regard Midge appears to have for anyone but herself, Joel, Susie, or Lenny Bruce.

Speaking of Lenny Bruce, I want to talk about his appearances in the final season. If you know anything about him from real life, you might know how his life ended, and where. The very first episode of season five has Midge bumping into him randomly at the airport when he is about to board a plane to Los Angeles. This made me so. Fucking. Mad. IRL Lenny Bruce was found dead in his home in Hollywood Hills in 1966, which lead me to believe that the very last time Midge will ever see him was this scene at the airport. Midge walks away from the interaction with Lenny with a strange look on her face, as if she somehow knows that this will be the last time she ever sees him alive, and it is my humble opinion that that fucking sucks. Lenny Bruce is one of the best characters on this show, with a ton of great appearances and lines and jokes, and Luke Kirby does a phenomenal job of capturing the real Lenny’s energy - it’s not 1:1, but it’s a great depiction, and I simply cannot believe Amy S-P would do my boy like this. The only other time we see Lenny in this season is years later, performing in front of a fairly disinterested crowd as he mumbles and rambles about this thing and that, and it’s so fucking depressing. This season, the show never outright mentions his drug use, but it’s heavily implied, and there’s a moment in a back room where he is talking to Susie and appears to be unable to stand up. On the one hand, I’m kind of pleased that they didn’t depict his death at all, but it really bothered me that these two scenes were all we got of him before the show stops referencing him at all.

The part of this season that really shines the most to me is a scene from episode eight, with Abe in a dimly-lit restaurant with Gabe, his boss, and a couple of colleagues. The scene begins with Abe checking his coat and coming over to sit where Gabe etcetera are already seated around a table and chatting. They order some wine. There’s a cut here to a few minutes later where the wine has arrived and been poured, and Abe sits silently, swirling his drink and clearly deep in thought while the others talk amongst themselves. Eventually, Gabe interrupts Abe’s thoughts, telling him that he had been raving to the others about his conversational skills. Abe apologises. “It’s just… the whole goddamn world, you know,” he says, clearly depressed about something. “Only that?” chimes in one of the other men at the table. Then ensues a conversation about the state of the world, about progress, about gender inequality and mental health, even, which was surprising to me. This scene is heartbreaking, and might be some of the best writing in the entire series. I cried watching this scene the first time around, and again just now rewatching it. It’s really sad that Abe never got the kind of character development shown here earlier, I would have liked to see that.

Episode six is an interesting sort of experiment; beginning with Midge on stage, in 1985, talking about her relationship with Susie, it then transitions into a roast for an indifferent and grumpy Susie in 1990, which is basically a device for a bunch of famous people you’ve seen in other things to come together as characters never seen before or again and tell stories about Susie’s rise to fame as one of the biggest talent managers in the United States. Here we get an explanation for why Joel is in prison, and a bunch of seemingly randomly selected stories about what Susie has been up to since 1962. As with the portrayal of Esther in episode one, this was another thing about this season that really bothered me at first, because it felt like it lacks focus, but as I thought about it more, it started to grow on me. This collection of tales about Susie’s exploits make sense for her character, and help to define who she is.

Overall, this season really fell down for me when I realised that a lot of really interesting moments never truly pay off. We jump around a lot between different years and perspectives, and we see a lot of things that could have been great story arcs, but they simply end and are never mentioned again. I really do feel like this season was supposed to be two or more, and Jeff’s Studio said no, so Amy Sherman-Palladino lit it all on fire. I think that if hyou like this show, it might still be worth it to catch the final season, but personally I feel like it should never have been made - at least not in this form. I would much rather have seen this stretched out more, over at least one more season. It tries to give the viewer some closure in the very last scene of the very last episode, but for me it falls flat. I don’t think I’ll ever watch this again.

Thanks so much for reading! What did you think? Once again, please feel free to hit me up in the comments, on the socials, or send me an email. And as always, if you want to read more stuff by me, you can check out my Letterboxd reviews - I recently reviewed The Craft (1996), Eradication (2022), and The Sand (2015)!

I hope y’all are staying safe out there! Have a great week and I’ll talk to you again soon. Ka kite anō au i a koe. 💚

Rebecca

Links | Twitter | Mastodon | Cohost | Substack | itch.io | Letterboxd | Instagram | Carrd | Email

[haechanhues]

First, happy new year! I'm actually really excited for 2024 and hope you all are too! I'm just gonna share some moments of the year with you all (some are sad and there are trigger warnings just a psa but most of them are happy.)

tw : mentions of s****de and depression. animal death, surgery and weightloss, nsfw implications and mentions of smut. this is so long that i've just kind of scrapped this other idea i had...

My 23 for 23!

This is kind of a joint December 2022 - February 2023 effort but I wrote 'Just Say It'. It's my favourite smau I've ever written and like, the absolute love I got from it and love I had while writing it too.. Will never forget the feeling.

I also underwent surgery for the first time ever. I don't exactly hide from the fact that I've had it and I can't really anyway. i had weight loss surgery at the beginning of the year and my surgeon and everyone has been brilliant in the recovery process. It's also left me feeling a lot more confident and happy and just- I actually love it.

I wrote smut for the first time, like ever and the reviews were so positive about it. In all honestly there's quite a bit of terms that I feel gross about but too be honest, there's no better alternative. I'm learning and it still makes me kind of nervous BUT yeah.

I made a post about it, but in August we had to put down my cat, Quincy. He's been with me since I was 5 and I'm 23 so aging without him has been hard. He'll always be my best friend and my through thick and thin guy. I miss you so much, Senor Quincy. I miss those nicknames and you in general. Love you. Forever.

In saying that, my mum ended up getting two little kittens. One of which looks exactly like Quincy. His name is Pai (pronounced 'pie' - I first named him 'Percy' but he responded too well to Pai to not change the name) and the other 'Nala' (named after the Lion King). Pai is this social little guy who is too curious and nosy about the world and people around him whereas Nala is this loving and cuddly pretty soul who has the softest fur coat ever. Love them both very much. We also ended up getting a dog called 'Poi' who has completely opened our family up in a way that is different and interesting. Welcome to the family our babies. Your older fur brother would absolutely hate you but we love you enough for him.

I visited Rarotonga/Cook Islands during our Winter (June/July) for my cousin's birthday. We had beautiful food, I fell in love with 5 different guys and just, such a cool time. I started planning a girls trip after that. But, so fun. It was so fucking hot too my body was so confused.

I got a new laptop! After being able to stop using a laptop that relies on a constant state of charging and basically life support, it feels amazing.

On the flip side, my phone is going through it. I've had it for about 5 or 6 years now and it's now reached it's T-Minus days, for sure. The screen is barely holding on by a thread (not joking) Fun fact, but me and my brother got new phones at the same time and he's already gone through about 9 to my 1.

My friends!! I've made some new friends and new connections and stuff this year. I'm finally a part of a GC where my friends know each other (irl two of my friends absolutely fucking hate each other) and I talk in it! But I love it and them and just everyone.

I've started watching The Sidemen on Youtube regularly. I love their humour and I know they're not for everyone but I really enjoy watching them. They're who I watch when I take a break from Kpop and just..they're great.

I went back onto SSRIs and I did partake in therapy for awhile because I was really down in the dumps. i cut a part of my hair at the back and if that isn't a cry for help. Like, my state of health...my neglect of haircare and the disinterest in life and all in it, it scared me. But I'm doing a lot better and I hope you are too.

Girl groups have this chokehold on me lately. Like, the amount of fondness I have for them right now is insane. Discographies, songs etc. They're tearing up the music industry at the moment for me right now. Women in general. Like yess.

I rewatched some of my favourite shows/movies and I loved it all the same. The Empress is an amazing German show, I've loved it as much as when I watched it the first time. Enola Holmes has some of my favourite aesthetics and she's so pretty and smart and Tewksbury is a wonderful 'boy boy'. Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade is my fave out of the movie series. Again...such a cool aesthetic. Harry Potter was a needed rewatch this year and I loved it. Brooklyn...Just amazing. Love this.

My favourite in-New Zealand trips of the year... I went to Auckland and to a casino for the first time (randomly picking up my cousin who was hungover and going through it) I won over 1k that day. I went to Wellington to watch NCT Nation and told the whole cinema who my man was. I went to the yearly trip to my cousin's bach and even though it fucking pissed down until the last day. It was an amazing holiday as per usual.

My favourite books of 2023 that I read this year was; The Song Of Achilles - Madeline Miller (finally read it and it was amazing). Binding 13 - Chloe Walsh (The angst was so good). Book Of Days - Patti Smith (the inspiration awakening). Magnolia Parks - Jessa Hastings (some good stuff). Once Upon A Broken Heart - Stephanie Garber (that cliffhanger had me by the balls) and The High Mountain Court - A.K. Mulford (Perfection.)

I got the opportunity to do paid research for my iwi and for my people and to learn and enrich our knowledge and community. It's hard to explain by vague explanations but I don't want to go too much into detail.

My favourite Kpop songs were - 'I Don't Understand But I Luv U' by Seventeen, 'Eve, Psyche & The Bluebeard's Wife' by LE SSerafim, 'Ditto' by New Jeans, 'S-Class' by Stray Kids and 'Down (Juicy Juicy)' - Jo Yuri. I just realised it's a Hybe/JYP fest in here. But they were so addictive.

My favourite songs that weren't Kpop were - 'Collide' by Justin Skye, 'Agora Hills' by Doja Cat, 'Utua' by Maimoa, 'Greedy' by Tate McRae and 'Be Your Light' by Victor Ma. So pretty.

My favourite albums of the year were - 'GOT THE BEAT' by GOT THE BEAT. Rose was my favourite of the album. 'Dark Blood' by ENHYPEN. Woke my love up for them and the dance is fucking amazing. Background dancers and without. Chaconne is my favourite. 'Playgirl' by Lolo Zouai. Such a pretty voice. My favourite is a choice between 'Picking Berries', 'Open The Door' 'VHS' and 'Crazy Sexy Dream Girl'. 'The World Ep. FIN' by ATEEZ. My BOYS. Started the year with them and finished the year with them. Favourite song off the album is still undecided but Crazy Form is part of my daily. 'Unlock My World' by Fromis_9. Love the album. My Night Routine. Attitude. Prom Night. Beautiful voices. Insane. '3 Of Us' by FLO. New addition to my favourite Western groups but holy shit welcome to my heart.

My favourite movies; Howls Moving Castle (bully me about it - why didn't you watch it earlier?), All Quiet On The Western Front (so fucking sad and heartbreaking), Coco Reo Maori (good movie and the fact it's in Te Reo Maori? Fucking AMAZING. The Black Phone (not a horror movie girly, but such a good movie and I'm obsessed). It (again, not a horror movie girly but Loser Squad <3)

My favourite shows (not Asian); Ginny and Georgia, Grown-Ish, The Time Traveller's Wife, The Summer I Turned Pretty and Love 101.

My favourite Asian dramas; Love In The Air (the hottest show I've ever seen), Twinkling Watermelon, Hidden Love, When I Fly Towards You and Himitsu No Ai Chan, Dangerous Romance. They're fucking masterpieces.

I'm sorry to end this on a sad note but Christmas Eve, my cousin committed su***de and it was hard to climb over the wall grief had built about it. His older sister told me all these lovely things and it was the first kind of cry I had over him. I'm a little angry but also sad. It's hard because then I got COVID.

Welcome, 2024!

[starryeyedrogue]

mental health & vent

again, a long one. please stick with me here.

tw: depression, anxiety, ptsd, epilepsy diagnosis, suicidal thoughts mention

hey everyone, like I said in my last post, I won’t be as active on here. this doesn’t mean I’m quitting by any means, I’m here for the long haul! I just need a break for a little bit. 

side note: I am not in any way suicidal or practicing self harm. this is just to vent and act as a PSA for my mutuals/followers.

now onto my main message. 

I’ve seen lots of posts about mental health lately, and I’m so incredibly proud of those who have spoken up. They’ve inspired me to make my own post, actually. normally I’d keep it to myself, but this time has been rough and I want to get it off my chest. I’ll probably delete this later, but still. 

I’ve been depressed. 

long story short, I had a very traumatic experience a couple years ago with an ex boyfriend (not going into it on this post, for details just dm me. not something I’d want to post publicly, this is just an explanation) and I was deeply depressed. I was never diagnosed “officially” because I was afraid to speak up, as this would expose what I was going through. I had really bad anxiety at that time too, and I still do. I also have PTSD flashbacks from it now and again. none of this was diagnosed, and I still don’t want to bring it up to my doctors/family. my irl friends don’t even know, at least not most of it. 

I have monoclonic epilepsy, which means my seizures are fairly small. my arms, legs, feet, hands, and fingers twitch, and I lose control for a few seconds. it doesn’t hurt, and sometimes I don’t even notice or remember it happening, but my family does. epilepsy in general runs in my family, and it can be triggered by a great deal of stress, lack of sleep, and of course flashing lights. in my case, I never “had” epilepsy or seizures until the “experience” I mentioned before, as it caused massive amounts of stress for about 2 years straight. it’s gotten better, as I now have medicine and am out of that situation, and I haven’t had a seizure since September, which is amazing and a huge blessing.

writing has helped with my depression and anxiety a lot, as I can write out what effects me the most. honestly, some of the characters are based off of myself (before vs after) and the person from the “experience.” this is just for therapeutic reasons, as I don’t really want to go to real therapy (I’d be too embarrassed to ask for it or talk to someone anyway, though I probably need to go eventually and plan to when I’m on my own). 

however, when I stopped posting it, I started feeling bad again. I didn’t think I needed to post my stories to feel better or to make a childhood dream into reality, but not posting it made me feel somehow worse. I’ve stopped writing as much, and I’ve lost motivation to do just about anything. I’m working on a couple things to help myself get out of this “funk,” but any tips would be greatly appreciated! 

this may seems stupid, but I’ve been depressed and very anxious about my schooling. I started in cyber security and got about halfway through, but I became depressed and had other issues so I didn’t finish the degree. now I’m starting in psychology, after praying for months and months for help with figuring out what to do for school. I finally got an answer, and that answer was to be a Christian counselor! I want to help as many people as I can, especially since I know how it feels to be anxious, depressed, and have PTSD. 

I’m dealing with a lot of changes right now, as I’m selling my first car, might have to move out of my first house/childhood home, and just a bunch of other stuff. this sounds trivial, but I hate change. it seriously stresses me out. my neurologist told me that if I have any more seizures, I won’t be able to drive for 6 months to a year to be safe (as I could have an “episode” as I call it while driving and hurt myself/others in a potential car accident). trust me, trying not to be stressed while being stressed, anxious, and depressed is not easy. 

on top of all that, my irl friends have all but abandoned me. I never hear from them (all but one, she’s the best!), and when I do they ignore me or pretend to listen when they obviously aren’t. I try to make plans with them, but they ignore me or just say “definitely!” but never try to set up times to hang out. It’s been almost two years since I’ve seen them all together. I was able to hang out with the friend I mentioned earlier to go to another friend’s recital, but that was it, and that was months ago. I totally get being busy, but I miss them and I don’t think they miss me, which really hurts. one friend ditched us on graduation day and we haven’t talked to her outside of “happy birthday,” or “@___ look at this thing I know you like,” which she never responded to. graduation was 4 years ago. I miss them all, even if they aren’t really my friends. I miss familiarity and their chaotic personalities. I’ve known them my entire life. honestly, I haven’t made any other friends irl, even though I’ve tried (I’m very introverted and a lot of people don’t get my humor/personality. I’m very much a mischievous old lady that uses weird wording (li.e. using uncommon words for my generation mixed with modern stuff, basically I sound like a vampire that’s been around since the 50s and mixes the eras together in some unholy mixture) at heart and I have very niche interests that I cling to like they’re my last hope). basically, making friends and meeting new people is hard for me for various reasons.

tumblr is different though, which I’m seriously grateful for! the people I’ve talked to are all so nice and really fun to talk to, and they’re part of why I’m posting this. @elvish-sky gave me the courage to post this and @hey-its-nonny and @padawansofthejediorder have been amazing and super nice to me, and I couldn’t be more grateful. the reason I’m posting this is to let them know what’s going on if I don’t respond to messages for a while, and to let them know what wonderful people they are and how much it means to me that they care about me, even if we’re just tumblr mutuals. I love you guys, thanks for being here! it means more than you know.

my mom and dad both had health scares recently, which made me spiral even more. I honestly don’t know what I would do if one of them died. they’re literally my world and my best friends, as ridiculous as that sounds. my mental health was so low I honestly thought I’d die too. they’re both fine now, which is truly a blessing and a massive relief. when I say I thought I’d die too, I don’t mean I wanted to commit suicide, but I honestly can’t imagine a world without my parents, especially my mom (hers was the main health scare, it was a case of reaction to a new medication for her migraines). we’re insanely close and she’s my best friend, as cheesy as that sounds. I don’t know what I would do without her. it’s making me teary just thinking about it. 

long story short, please be patient with me. I’m dealing with a lot right now, and I need some time to take a deep breath and focus on my mental health. if you have any suggestions/tips for dealing with depression, anxiety, and PTSD flashbacks, please let me know! 

for those I’ve tagged, you don’t have to reply or even read this whole thing if you want, I tagged you because I thought you’d like to know about this and/or I wanted to show my appreciation for your kindness!

I love you all, thanks for sticking around and listening to my rants. <3

[angelhummel]

could you rank the degrassi next class characters?

gladly!! also sorry in advance if you love any of the characters im about to shit on lol

20. Frankie Hollingsworth. Almost had her second to last but. No. Klu Klux Fran?? The ZOO?? I can't even talk about her she's just so damn annoying and racist and omg. And she was being pushed as the new Main Girl which made everything all the more offensive and unbearable

19. Esme Song. Sorry but I do not think she had a single redeeming trait. She had nothing she stood for, no actual character beyond being an antagonist to every single other person on the show. Like she thinks Shay is stupid for being embarrassed about getting her period on her boyfriend's pants, and yet she calls Yael disgusting for having armpit hair?? So what's the truth? And people are like "well she's mentally ill" to excuse all she does. Well Maya is mentally ill and Esme makes fun of her too. So who's side are we on? Like I would've liked to see her get help and develop but we didn't get that so.

18. Hunter Hollingsworth. Terrorist. Not even interesting enough to be an actual school shooter. Just a waste of a character. Sexist, violent, had a plot about wanting to play video games at school. I'm so bored. Only not at the bottom bc I feel like he wasn't in my face as much

17 & 16. Baaz Nahir & Vijay Maraj. Thing 1 and Thing 2 to the would be school shooter. Clowns. They were a terrible group and I cringed any time they had a plot together. Annoying together, useless on their own. Hard pass

15. Yael Baron. The final member of the above group. Was mostly boring and annoying and especially dumb for being romantically interested in Hunter. Only gets bonus points for their coming out as nonbinary plot. After their makeover I was literally crying

14. Jonah Haak. Mostly disliked him for being in a relationship with Frankie. Like I'm sure they were only a year or two apart but he felt so much older than her. It was gross. And mostly he's just really blah. The attempt at a straight edge character at that point was. Hilarious. at least.

13. Winston Chu. Seemed harmless at first but idk all the boys were shifted high into clown mode when this show hit netflix. The incident with the geisha and Japanese soldier costumes? Defending Zoe against Esme? Then later telling Goldi maybe she should take her hijab off to cause less of a fuss? Bruh.

12. Saad Al'Maliki. Honestly I felt like he was the one with the most braincells most of the time. Probably pissed me off the least. But he was also in the least amount of episodes and didn't make much of an impression on me. Was mostly just boring. But I'll take boring over everything that came before

11. Lola Pacini. Degrassi has a knack for introducing the worst and most obnoxious characters and then eventually making you love them. Lola was not quite that. I hated her for the longest time but it decreased a bit near the end. I got emotional when she had her abortion. And when she gave Yael their makeover. And when she reached out to Saad and convinced him not to leave. I feel like I could've grown to like her more if the show went on, but again... Oh also I hate her and Miles together sorry

10. Grace Cardinal. Ugh Grace is confusing to me. I wasn't the biggest fan of her story with Zoe. I mean sure you're allowed to hook up with someone and then realize "oh that's not for me" but it was handled so awkwardly. Like she slept with Zoe just to be like "damn i hate when everyone thinks i'm a lesbian :/" like why. Idk she was fine but I'm not over the moon about her

9. Goldi Nahir. Ugh okay I feel like they didn't know what to do with her. Like she had the plotline about if she should take off her hijab or not. And she had to teach the poor whities about racism. That was about it? She was adorable and sweet and a bright spot in the show but ugh she deserved better than what she was surrounded with lol

8. Shay Powers. Again, it's not her fault she's stuck in a show written by 70 year old white people. But the black girl is completely oblivious to the racism of her friend? She has to ask her dad if a racist thing is really racist? She's never experienced racism? Ok Degrassi. They treat all their black girls like shit and I feel like I just stan them out of spite bc of that lol. But she's cool and a nice person and she's into sports so she's at least doing stuff

7. Rasha Zuabi. Another generally nice and cool character that I have positive feelings for. Also she was gay so yay. Loved her story with Zoe. I think there was just one moment where I was like "wtf are you doing" but compared to everyone else it's not a big deal

6. Zig Novak. I have to admit that all my enjoyment of his character comes from before Next Class. He was such a sweetie and then he left and came back acting dumb as hell. That was not my boy in Next Class. But ahhh he's still my boy sorry I love him <3

5. Deon "Tiny" Bell. Basically the same as Zig above. But I feel like he maybe had a few less moments of being an asshole? Also his promposal for Shay was cute <3 Wait didn't he also date Lola? Wasn't a fan of that either.

4. Zoe Rivas. She was the one dressed up as a geisha lol (: Oh boy Next Class was something else. Umm it was nice to see her process of accepting herself as a lesbian. I feel like it took forever tho. Which is understandable irl but this is a tv show lol. I didn't enjoy her sucking Zig off in the woods. Not fun. But her relationship with Rasha was one of my fave things about NC

3. Tristan Milligan. The amount of hate Tristan gets is faaaar too much. He's one of my favorites of the whole show honestly. I think he's funny and dramatic and a great addition to the show. But he gets knocked down bc I can't remember anything he did in Next Class other than BEING IN A FUCKING COMA FOR A WHOLE SEASON. He's already Owen's brother, he's suffered enough. But I love his relationship with Miles. And him helping Zoe accept herself

2. Miles Hollingsworth. Yes another character I wasn't fond of at first. Hated his relationship with Zoe and thought he was just boring. Truthfully I think I only became interested when he started dating Tristan lol. Plus omg with his family?? It's a miracle he got out at all. He went through so much bullshit and he was especially going through it in Next Class. He was kind of a hot mess but also I just care a lot about him. He deserves the world <3

1. Maya Matlin. Is Maya really my fave?? I guess so! Yet another character I wasn't fond of at first. Which is insane bc we just got to the part in our rewatch where she first shows up and I'm like !!! baby girl!! So precious!!! And I wanted to cry thinking of what she's about to go through. I feel like her character is treated with some of the most respect and care. Her motivations and mental health decline all make sense storywise. I just care a lot about her and got super emotional watching everything in her story, especially the later parts in NC

Wow this is a lot!! But I hope you enjoyed my ranking and explanations lol. Also like. Everyone was racist. Everyone was mentally ill. That was the whole show. It was a hot mess and truth be told I am not a fan. Even the characters I love, they were acting weird here. Like I said about Zig and Tiny and their character regression. And I think it was the same for like Tristan and Zoe and plenty of others too. Everyone was off, idk how to explain it. But that's my ranking for the hot mess that was Next Class!!

Thank you for the ask, ily <3

[gofancyninjaworld]

Meta: What rough beast slouches to be born?

Right, webcomic chapter 125 has raised quite a few questions about cyborgs and I purposely left it aside. Until now.  I’m sorry for the length, but I’m only allowed one ‘readmore’. :(

What we knew

Many moons ago for us, 9 or so weeks ago for them, Genos showed up at Saitama’s doorstep like a refugee from another world, telling a tale of destroyed towns, rampaging cyborgs, and desperate revenge quests.   It’s seemed rather far-fetched, particularly as not much has happened on that front.   Over the course of the story, we’ve had little bits of independent corroboration about the veracity of his story.  The town that he was born in was definitely erased from the map.  Yes, a cyborg is wanted in connection with the incident. 

But where is that guy? Does it have anything to do with the powered suit-flogging cyborgs seen early on the series? Does it have anything to do with the ‘glimpse behind the scenes’ chapter the manga offered us with Drive Knight (but no context as to how that glimpse fitted into the wider story)?  Come to that, where are all the cyborgs?

To start with, there are a lot of cyborgs of various sorts in OPM.  Quite a few moons ago, I wrote a bit about them, drawing a distinction between those who used parts to replace lost function and those who looked at it as a change of identity: “Is the Organization a Claw Analogue?”

 Chapter 125 has been surprisingly good about confirming some of what I surmised about cyborgs, but it’s brought some very good additional information!  On we go!

There are cyborgs; and then there are Cyborgs

Our ambassador through the world of cyborgs is new Neo Hero recruit Koko (Solitude), who modified his body for the world of cyborg fighting, only he was a little too successful and no one would bet on him.  We see him scanning various people and passing commentary on them.

The first to give him serious pause is Webigaza, who lost six months of life to getting her body modifications done -- no wonder she’s pissed off that her rival has self-destructed in the interim.

Koko is shaken by her having 71% of her body modified.

obsessive determination is terrifying to look at

Percentage body modification of the sort Koko is used to seeing, 30% maximum, you can do right here right here and now.  It’s equivalent to losing a leg and most of the other. Here and now, we can also do brain implants to control tremors or fits or some neurological conditions,  replace part of the heart, spine fusions, quite a few bits and pieces.  The sort of modifications Koko is used to seeing are very functional ones that make sense for someone looking to get an edge in fighting for money.  They’re also along the lines of what we’ve seen with One-Shotter or Death Gatling.

If you lose and replace all four limbs, that's 50% of your body modified. While quadruple amputees unfortunately exist IRL,  I don’t know if anyone has had the kind of money, physical fitness and pure grit to do that.  Nevertheless it’s not technically impossible. 60% sounds about right before you're now looking at breaking into the more vital parts of your body.  The point at which the risk involved just can't be justified in terms of restoring function or health. I’m emphasising that because I’m going to come back to this point.   He’s shaken because modifications that extensive aren’t about simply gaining an edge; they’re being willing to exchange serious bodily harm for serious power.  It says a lot about who Webigaza is.

Within the Hero Association, I think we do know a hero round about that 60% mark.  Jet Nice Guy comes to mind.  He sports an armored exterior, powerful artificial limbs (which will need internal reinforcement to not just rip up his body), but his innards are all human. After the way he started to bleed out after Nyan slashed him, I realised that the reason it looked like intestines when the Deep Sea King ripped him open is because they were... >.<  Sorry, dude. 

the worst of both worlds -- too modified to have an easy life, still too weak to deal with the real monsters that exist

Scary enough, but then the security staff come in to stop the kerfuffle that Koko and his buddy, Mars Leo, were causing.  Koko scanned them and was stunned into horror:

as disciplined and ruthless a pair of killers as you could never hope to lay eyes on.  Definitely not frothing at the mouth, these two!

These two have modified themselves so extensively they’re almost inhuman. 94, 95% body modification is equivalent to having only 3.5 - 4.2 kg of live mass left assuming an original live mass of 70 kg.  And, if the similar naming convention didn’t tip you off to it, it’s around the sort of hyper-extensive modification we see Genos having. [See under the readmore for a first-principles estimation I did a long time ago.]  Maybe Drive Knight too if he’s a cyborg.   What kind of power have they exchanged their human bodies for?  What kind of people are willing to do that to themselves? Koko is very sure that he does NOT want to know.

When he tells you who he is, believe him

That’s dating advice often given to ladies overlooking obvious red flags  but it goes with great force in OPM. ONE has characters tell us who they are early on, even if it doesn’t mean anything to us for a long time. 

And he’s had Genos be a particularly straightforward and truthful character.  He doesn’t always interpret things correctly, but he says it exactly as he sees it.  Looking at the way the high percentage cyborgs we’ve met thus far either be very inhuman looking or completely disguised as regular human beings,  he’s chosen an appearance that puts both his humanity and mechanical nature on display.

Something that the chapter has brought up that I've kept saying to people on the Discord and on Reddit: there is no medically justifiable reason for Genos to have a body as modified as he does.   Which Genos TELLS US for fuck’s sake.  His giant wall of text is a synopsis, no more and no less.

When he says that “...I asked Professor Kuseno to perform a procedure to modify my body. Then I was reborn as a cyborg for justice...”  (Viz)  “...I begged Dr Stench (sic) to transform me into a cyborg and I was reborn as a cyborg who fights for justice...” (Boon scanslations, who copied verbatim whoever did the webcomic version). It’s nothing to do with health.  Feel free to have whatever headcanons you like, but please don’t confuse them with the story.

But it doesn’t end there.  I look at Destro and Erimin and realise that there’s another perfectly truthful statement that’s been staring us in the face.

Genos knows. Why would he ask a mechanical engineer who uses a wearable battle suit and pilots armed drones to modify his body, let alone modify it to such an insane degree?  Because he knows that Dr Kuseno knows how to build cyborgs like the one who destroyed his town.

We don’t know if Destro and Erimin have any responsibility for the destroyed town, but someone of their ilk does.   Which brings us to a third nakedly truthful statement. When Genos talks of not believing that he could be defeated by anything other than the rampaging cyborg, he’s not anticipating winning because he’s suicidal.  It’s because he’s aware that if he’s throwing rock, so too is his enemy: mutual annihilation is the best he can hope for.

At least until he met Saitama. And started to hope for not mutual destruction, but victory (check the difference in chapter 108 of the webcomic).

a world away from the attitude of mutually-assured destruction he started with.

Stepping away from the text a bit, it casts a different light on why he’s been so desperate to learn from Saitama. Learning Saitama's secret is his balance-breaker. He wants something other than rock, that is guaranteed to smash whatever rock his enemy might throw.    But that’s not all there is.   As Garou said, once he discovered Blue Fire’s flamethrower, once you know how a freakish weapon works, you know it.  Any edge a new weapon might give Genos is liable to be studied and replicated  (see how quickly Dr Kuseno was able to reverse engineer and adapt the principles of G-4′s curving energy beams).   But Saitama’s strength is unphysical: no matter how closely you inspect his body, you can never relate the physicality of Saitama’s body to the power he can generate.  That unphysicality, that’s what Genos wants too.   It also puts in context why he’s been so fascinated by psychic power and wants to learn it if at all possible.

neat trick, I’ll take two!  Genos dodging G4′s beams in chapter 38, and putting the principle of them to good use in chapter 120

And finally, since in his world, knowledge is literally power, it gives yet another layered reason Genos is so determined to keep anyone else from becoming Saitama’s disciple.  If they learn his secret too, then the advantage he seeks will be lost.  (that it doesn’t work quite that way for Saitama is a fact for us to enjoy and for him to find out).

Nothing is as scary as a human being

Nothing is as scary as a human being is one of the things that Reigen says to Tome on occasion. It’s in full force in OPM.  Monsters may be strong, but they all live in the now.  Only a human being could have put together the Monster Association.   When it comes to cyborgs, their abilities may be inhuman but their thoughts, imaginations, morals and appetites are all 100% human.   It’s a terrifying combination.

There’s something I missed when I likened The Organization to a Claw Analogue. In Mob Psycho 100, the protagonists are children and they're fighting an organisation made up of over-grown children -- adults who have refused to grow up. In One-Punch Man, the protagonists are adults and the bad humans in the story are very much adults too.   With calculated cruelty and depravity to match. When The Organization bares its claws for real, this is going to get so brutal.

If Genos has not been standing still, then neither has his enemy.  From the manga, even if we hold Drive Knight blameless and independent of all this mess, his besting Nyan told us that cyborgs can indeed come crazy-strong and highlighted how much more work Genos had yet to do. It also highlighted how very clever and calculating cyborgs can be -- well, they’re human, duh!  If I was worried for his prospects then,  in the webcomic, Genos is nowhere near as psychologically, physically or emotionally ready as his manga version is.   And the guys who look to be his enemies aren’t going to be cutting him any slack.   They’re very real.  They’re not mad.  And they’re closer than he ever imagined.

Fighting monsters is barely adequate preparation for whatever it is that’s to come.

Whenever Genos gets dragged into whatever it is those cyborgs are up to  -- or runs into it, since he claims he’s still hunting the rampaging cyborg -- ‘rough’ doesn’t begin to describe it.

Extra Stuff

Edited from an answer I gave on Reddit to the question of how much of Genos was still organic about 2 years ago.  It’s unexpectedly relevant!

Short answer: by mass, under 10% , assuming he would have weighed  approximately 70 kg. By function, quite a bit.

 The long answer.

I’m going to write this starting from what is most readily observable and readily inferred to the least. In appreciation of this being a work of fiction that treats physical laws lightly, I too am taking a more-or-less approach and will keep technical terms to a minimum. I'm also not a medic and I don't play one on TV -- assume generous hand-wavium. Items in {curly brackets} are incidental notes you can skip.

Level 0: Canonically observable.  The least controversial observation is that Genos does have an organic brain. Genos does not live in a lab, but is able to live largely independently, including being able to eat whatever he likes with no ill-effect. Not just that, but he lives an active and hard-fighting life that appears to do him no permanent harm (I will return to this in a few paragraphs).  What can we take from this?

Edit: There is also ONE’s initial settings for Genos, which I quote here from the Hero Data Book

ONE: There's no need to visit Dr. Kuseno's place every time when his wrist break down, because he got his own spare parts at hand. Dr Kuseno's Lab is there In case for a big reparation job, a drastic upgrade or an examination.

It’s tempting to think that because we see that he definitely has a brain that’s all there is – the brain in a jar phenomenon, so to speak. Something a lot of people miss is that the spinal cord proper isn’t optional either -- it’s a core part of the central nervous system.  Spinal cords are a lot shorter than most people think they are, averaging 12 inches long for women and 15 inches for men.  The rest are nerve processes that can be cut and will regrow (within limits). We’re also happy to allow for nerves and their endings -- there must be an interface for the prosthetics so they're under the fine voluntary control that we see. However, that’s not all that there can be. The Cartesian mind-body duality is completely wrong when it comes to physiology. Our brains are intimately bound with our bodies and our bodies with our brains. So what does one need?

Level 1: Perfusion. This is the most obvious one. Without a blood supply providing oxygen, glucose and removing waste products from our brains, we have 4-5 seconds of consciousness available, 2-3 minutes in which we can escape brain damage and 8-10 minutes in which not to die. So, number one is a reliable blood supply.  Absolutely necessary therefore are a means of generating the various blood cells, perfusing and distributing them and disposing of damaged cells (red blood cells have a lifespan of 1-2 months). While not as acutely important, a self-sustaining blood supply is also the basis of a functioning immune system.  It's a bit of an oops moment when your super-killer cyborg catches a cold and dies.

Accordingly, bone marrow is essential as a source of hematopoietic (blood-forming) stem cells. A suitably reduced blood vessel and lymphatic vessel system is also needed to run the blood where it needs to go. {An awesome feature of living beings is that new blood vessels will be recruited to where they need to go and redundant branches pruned back, a process known as vascular remodelling}. A reduced liver and possibly spleen will be needed to appropriately destroy worn out blood cells. At least one functional kidney, in the role of producing the hormone erythropoietin, without which red blood cells will not be formed. Not essential: a heart and lungs, which he definitely doesn't have. How much blood is needed?  I’ll come to that answer once we’ve tallied how much body is needed.

Additionally, since part of perfusion is getting rid of metabolic waste, a liver and kidney will be absolutely indispensable.  

Level 2: Homoeostasis. A living organism has a very narrow range in which its internal environment, such as oxygen saturation, temperature, pH (acidity or alkalinity) amongst other things can vary without harm.

There are around 40 or so hormones, the signalling molecules that keep us going as functional concerns, regulating such things as blood pressure, salt/water balance, available energy, sleep cycle, body temperature, mood, immune system... the list goes on. Each has a stupid number of secondary functions and interacts with others in a ludicrous number of ways (note highly scientific language). Their levels vary and change on the order of seconds to hours. It's a good job that the main organiser of homoeostasis, the hypothalamus, is part of the brain. {Incidentally, this is why a brain-dead cadaver cannot be kept ‘alive’ on life support indefinitely – everything falls out of sync and eventually to pieces.} To do this artificially is to have your cyborg never leave the lab: if you're not constantly monitoring and adjusting levels, then they will die. Fortunately, as mentioned, a living, functional brain has the control network needed to keep everything working without the extensive and expensive effort. Just add air, water and food (in that priority).

At this point, we've already met most of the organs needed to maintain homoeostasis in their capacity of maintaining a blood supply. We need to add some bone, not just to serve as a niche (living environment) for the bone marrow and its stem cells mentioned previously but as a source and sink for minerals, the adrenal glands and the thyroid gland. Finally, one must not forget pancreatic islets -- or it'll be for nothing as he goes into a diabetic coma.

Level 3: Energy.   Speaking of food, a brain needs essential fatty acids for turnover and lots and lots of glucose for energy. It’s entirely possible to supply nutrients as total parenteral nutrion (TPN for short).  People whose digestive systems have completely failed get individually formulated TPN solutions, which requires that they spend several hours a day feeding it into their blood supply. Not something we see Genos do.  And yes, you heard it here: not everyone poops, but everyone sure as hell pees.  While a brain only weighs about 1.5 kg, it uses up about 500 calories a day as glucose, so 700 ish calories a day should suffice for all the needs of his live mass. This bears no relationship to the amount of food we see Genos put away on occasion. Why hasn’t he wrecked his liver in a matter of weeks? The answer would appear to lie in the artificial digestive system Dr. Kuseno has given him which turns food into biofuel. It must be patched into a feedback loop which allows it to only supply what’s physiologically necessary at any given time. Lucky for some!

Level 4: So how much body does that add up to exactly?  Nothing says you have to keep the necessary organs and blood vessel network the same size. With only a 1.5 kg brain to support, many can be shrunk a good 50% if not more. A total living mass of 7 kg would be quite feasible. We know from organ-on-a-chip experiments (and from unfortunate people who have lost part of their organs) that provided the essential architecture of the tissue is respected, they will work fine. Nothing says you have to keep them in the same place as the original organs were -- you can encapsulate it all in a can and shorten the nerves serving the organs to a more rational, manageable length. It's nice and compact and can be protected as heavily as the brain is.

Now we’re in a position to answer how much blood Genos has. There are about 70 ml of blood per kilogram of body weight, so at ~ 7 kg, we’re talking about 500 ml of blood. For comparison, the typical 70 kg person has 5 litres of blood. Why does this matter?  Because it allows us to answer a question many may be curious about: how often does Genos get hurt?

The answer is: Almost Never. With so little body, and with most of that body consisting of aptly named vital organs, even small injuries can turn catastrophic in no time.  Genos will bleed out with around 150 ml of blood loss, which is less than half of what is donated in a typical blood donation.  Horrible and dramatic as the smashes he gets into are, it’s more akin to a Formula 1 race car tumbling end over end and catching fire, only for the driver to walk out unscathed.  His cyborg parts are replaceable and can be sacrificed to protect what’s irreplaceable if need be.

[cubedcoffeecake]

Fanfiction Writer’s Appreciation Day

When I saw some other people making posts screaming positivity into the void of Tumblr, I knew that I couldn’t rest until I had too.

I don’t have near as much time to read fanfic as I used to, and I can’t remember the last time I regularly read fics that were longer than drabbles. If I read a long fic now, it’s solely because I want to see more by the fic’s author, and I want to spam all of their works w love.

In fact, my entire involvement w the fandom community has changed a lot over this calendar year: I’ve begun to actually interact w other creators and fans in the community, and that has come to be the most important part of fanfic for me. I’ve always loved the content, that’s what brought me here, but I’ve stayed for the people I’ve met and friends I’ve made.

So! This is a fairly-inclusive list of a WHOLE BUNCH of authors that I love and why I love you. <3 <3 In the spirit of Fanfic Writers’ Appreciation Day, here we go!

There is no one I can start w besides my irl best friend @strangenscary. Hanged Man convinced me to get a Tumblr, first off--I wouldn’t know any of you guys if she hadn’t talked me into that. And she’s also the reason I read Harry Potter! And, beyond just being a fantastic friend, she writes really awesome Kpop drabbles (that you should 100% check out if you like Kpop fandoms).

Then, next in the chronological order, is @jbankai89. I found their fic I Will Save Myself while searching for really angsty fics and have kinda been along for most all of the ride? The fic just ended a week or so ago and I rec it wholeheartedly--it’s got one of the best journeys through mental health healing and learning how to work out a relationship of anything I’ve read. I’m really glad I got to follow along w it!

I made a personal resolution to start commenting on fics and interacting w other authors about halfway thru I Will Save Myself. It was this decision that gave me the courage to leap into HP’s corner of Tumblr this past May, and by asking into Drarry fests I met @lettersbyelise! Elise is a beautiful lovely human being and I’m really glad I know her now! She introduced me to the Drarry Discord, which is how I met most all of the rest of you guys I’m about to rec.

@drarrymylove... Jeni is absolutely fantastic. I actually did follow her and read all of her everything before joining the Discord, and I was over the moon to get to interact w her. I beta’d her Drizzle and was internally fangirling so hard I had to take a break and chill out. You’re a super cool and special person I’m really glad to have met!!

@xx-thedarklord-xx is a fandom giant for really good reason. All of Sam’s fics are literary gold. She beta’d a drabble for me a couple months ago and I was starstruck, remembering spending long nights binging all of her fics. The Flower War fic was the first one she wrote since I’ve been following her and it’s one of my absolute favorites. If you’ve never read her stuff go find her!

@aibidil I’ve never interacted w much but seems like the helpful Mother of the Discord. She swoops in to save the day all the time and I’m always amazed. Not to mention her fanfic is incredible.

@l0vegl0wsinthedark, @goldentruth813, @snortinglaughter, @erin-riwen, @lqtraintracks, @carpemermaid, @synonym-for-life, @violetclarity, @bixgirl1, @writcraft, @parkkate, @harryandhislittledragon, @foularcadebanana, spookywoods and tari_vilya are all really cool peeps I know but haven’t interacted w enough to tell you specific awesome things about them, but they’re all great too! And their fic!!! All of their fic is entirely worth your while to check out!!

@drarrytingz, @ladybraken, @yosoylaborinquena, @gnarf, @unicornsandphoenix, @restlessandordinary, @slythrns-heir, @maesterchill, @breathofmine and @ununquadius are all fantastic people I’ve met thru beta’ing. Either I beta’d for them or them for me. Betas are such a huge huge part of fanfiction and such important people to writers I wanted to give y’all you’re own paragraph, but a number of you I’ve also gone on to get to know some of the best out of all of my online peeps!

ununquadius, goodness, I always get super excited when I see that you’ve written something! Every time! And even more when I get to beta it! <3 <3 We have, like, an actual author-beta thing going on and I think that’s the absolute greatest.

drarrytingz, gnarf, yosoylaborinquena, y’all are so nice and supportive and I love seeing you guys in my dash!!

@slythrns-heir deserves more accolades than I can come up w--from beta’ing to just generally appreciating authors and fans SO MUCH and doing so much for us and the community--you’re an absolute gem. <3 <3

@call-me-hopelesss is an awesome writer and I’ve been slowly chipping away at their Ao3 works for several weeks now, but that’s not what I think is the coolest, most mind-blowing thing about them. They leave some of the best comments I’ve ever seen, and they leave them all over!! I remember reading thru HD Birthday Bash and being really touched by how they’d left a really thoughtful comment on every fic. That kind of support is amazing, and you just blow me away. <3

@doubleappled, @nifflers-n-nargles, @llap115, and @harryromper are really really cool mutuals who I’ve really noticed thru fests. I always get really excited to see them on an author list for an anon fest, or commenting, or anything! They’re all as awesome as their works, and you should totally go check them out too!

But all of these peeps have been Drarry Discord peeps!! A few weeks after joining over there, I also joined the Tomarry Discord. As much as I love my Drarry friends my awesome Tomarry friends are a lot louder and talk a LOT so I really kinda know them a bit better.

@mirandaflamel, my wonderful owl wife, all of my love to you and your beautiful stories. @kuffymik, you and Meb terrify me just a little and I occasionally flee from your convos, but your writing is fantastic and I love you too. Same goes to @lord-of-the-snakes, tho I actually think I’ve known you the longest and that you’ve staked a place at the very very bottom of the Tomarry pit, so everything I said to Mik tenfold, really. @nencenedril, you sometimes seem to be the sane one and sometimes surprise me with how unusually creative you are. You’re really cool. <3 @cybrid, I followed your fics way before I realized that was YOU, and then I squeed a lot. But! You’re a fantastic author and mod and I’m really happy you stick around and join in on our insanity. I send my love to all of the other lovely writers I know on the Tomarry Discord whose Tumblrs I don’t know. (A special thx on this special day to Itsy’s perseverance w all of us)

@batsutousai gets a paragraph. If you’ve never read anything by Bats, you really really should stop everything and go read some of Bats’ fic. Any of Bats’ fics. They’re all legendary and deserve odes to be sung to them. I’ve held it in for this long so I might as well reveal that I’ve actually genuinely been following Bats since 2015, way before I knew anything about Harry Potter, bc her Marvel fics are also fantastic. When I got into HP I remembered that she’d also written for that fandom and went and read all of her stuff and that’s genuinely how I fell into the Tomarrymort pit. (thx Bats.) SO yeah, again, go check her out!!!!

While we’re on Marvel, @veliseraptor is someone I don’t think I’ve ever had the guts to speak to, but she is an utter legend as well and is rather solely responsible for the Stoki ship. I’d suggest giving her works a try if you don’t mind being pulled into a new ship--bc I would bet money you can’t read Lise’s works without getting pulled into Stoki, they’re so good. Kudos to a fandom goddess over there.

Back to HP, @asexual-lovegood and @rose-grangerweasleyisbae are my two all time favorite Tumblr drabble writers, so if you can it’s totally worth it to check them out. All of their stuff is gold. All of it.

To close up my really really long Author Love post here, I present to you Lomonaaeren, @renderedreversed, and wynnbat, who I’ve also never spoken to but when I try to think of mind-blowing, I-can’t-put-this-down fics by people I don’t really know, these are the three authors that come to mind.

.

So! Lots of love to everyone! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Fandom community is brilliant and amazing and you awesome authors are a huge part of what makes us exist. Thank you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[spale-vosver]

A Year In Review: 2018 Edition

I don’t normally make my own posts here, nor are they ever personal (I say as though I make posts at all), but since the year is very close to being over—in fact, as I’m writing this it’s 11:02 PM on December 31st—I wanted to look back at where I’ve been and where I still have to go; review the year, basically.

2018 was one hell of a bumpy year for me, though bumpy isn’t inherently bad. I met some amazing friends (you’ll all be mentioned later on) and at the same time lost and almost lost some amazing ones, whether it was to them moving away or my own mistakes. I got involved in so many new things I’d never done before: I got fully involved in theatre, I got kind of maybe in shape, I started caring about my health, I met so many new people both irl and online, I asked my (now ex but still best friend) girlfriend out for the first time it was honestly so new to me and coming out of my shell was an experience I needed.

As the year progressed and school wrapped up, though, I started to wane a bit. Anyone who knows me knows that summer wasn’t great mental health, especially since I was cooped up inside all day doing absolutely nothing but watching YouTube and playing way too much Crusader Kings, and everyone I interacted with felt the effects. I wasn’t nearly as accountable for my own health as I should have been, and I ended up hurting the same amazing people I’d met that year. Truth be told, I’ve still not fully recovered from those mistakes, and though I know no one holds it against me, they’re still some of my biggest regrets. Even now I’m still making them, but each time I make one, it’s less severe than the last time, and each time progressively less and less bad, so I’m improving, though not as fast as I want to, and unfortunately that speed won’t be achieved until I finally start CBT.

Speaking of that, this year wasn’t totally awful on the mental health front, though, considering I both went to a gender therapist to speak about advancements in my transition and was properly diagnosed with anxiety and depression and probably autism, and I can finally start treatment for them. When I do, my own efforts won’t be in vain, and I’ll hopefully have a leg up on whatever treatment I start. I just hope it comes soon, though, because seasonal depression can actually kiss my ass and no, Pennsylvania, 11 days is NOT a suitable amount of time for a break.

Anyways, now on to the real gushy stuff where I @ my friends and acquaintances and tell them how much I lurvvvv them. So, starting off with who I met first:

@thefunrepository/Camille/pash: When you let me join your discord server, I met some of the best people and best friends I’ve ever had, and for that, I’m eternally grateful. Even though you’ve now left that server, when you were there, you tolerated so much of my incessant rambling and @ing and my overall teenage boy-i-ness, but you never made me feel excluded, and I loved every second of it. Thank you so much for even tolerating me, because when I joined and was even just talking to you, that was what I needed most. (P.S.: here’s a New Years resolution for you: FINISH A WIP thanks bye I love you)

@xinnic: my fellow Irish Catholic fam, you’ve been nothing but supportive of me and my work from day one, and I can’t count how many nights over the pretty-shitty summer I spent cooling down by rambling to you about my gay trash kids and my gay trash WIP. Likewise, I’ve never gotten tired of your ramblings about your gay trash kids and your gay trash WIP, and your rambles have singlehandedly made me weak for Roísín in 1000 different ways. You’ve always been there when I needed to talk or reference something, and when you bring your meme game, it’s top tier. I remember almost crying when you started the binder squad, and though it’s no longer around, I still appreciate it. Thank you so much for caring and just being you.

@lilquill: man, oh man do we have a weird relationship. I honestly kind of thought you were annoying at first and no that’s not unique to you but I also warmed up to you really quickly. Your energy levels are unmatched and no matter how tired I am, your ability to somehow shout over text fixes that. You’ve spearheaded so many weird and memorable moments for the hell server, including the readings that led us to our voice reveals, to the ACOTRASH find and replace kerfuffle, and so many other things. Besides that, you’ve been a great friend, always pushing me to do better and be better and calling me out when necessary; I may not show it the best, but I appreciate all of it, and I probably wouldn’t be who I am right now without you. You’re also one of the bravest and most outspoken people I know, with the whole whiteblr deal only proving how willing you are to speak out against bullshit and bigotry. Thank you so much for your undying support of me and of everyone else, and I only hope to be as badass as you someday.

@gingerly-writing: ok please don’t be upset that yours is slightly shorter than everyone else’s but I wasn’t around you as much SO. You’re an insanely talented writer and memeing at you as well as sharing my writing has been so fun. I annoy you so much but you still manage to tolerate me and honestly that’s insanely commendable. I want to see you succeed in all of your projects this year and the next and the next and so on, as well as continue giving amazing advice; when you told me I was really good at characterisation, it was the first time I’d ever gotten proper writing advice, and I’ll cherish it always. Thank you for being a pal and dealing with mine (and someone else’s who we’ll mention later) shenanigans.

@olympusrox123: Sian, you fucking Aussie meme, I love you so much and you won’t get this until later because you’re on a goddamn plane but oh well. You’re insanely funny and smart, and you’ve made me laugh so many times I can’t keep count. When you took part in the name change shenanigans on discord, that was when I knew you were A Top Tier Meme and someone I could send only my freshest. Apart from that, you’re so sweet and have always been interested in what I have to say; plus, I love screaming at you about whatever and whenever and that time we read the Sherlock fic? Godly. Anyways, I just want to say that I heckin love you and that I hope you stay just as you are. Thank you for being you.

@ardentlythieving: oh man oh man oh man my ultimate meme buddy. My compadre. Second member of the three Memesketeers. The shit we’ve gotten up to together is amazing and I’ve loved every second of it. From the day we met we’ve been basically inseparable members, despite your penchant for backstabbing and betraying my meme plans due to your chaotic neutral nature, and every memey thing we’ve done together and every in joke we’ve made has been one of the most memorable meme moments of my life. You’ve always been there when I wanted or needed to just let loose my chaotic energy, and the fact that you just sort of adopted me into both your meme house and your internet family in general has made me so happy. I’ve loved playing SWTOR with you and talking about Thrawn with you and sending you the worst shit I can find, and I wouldn’t trade a second of it. Thank you for being your memey-ass self, and if I don’t get even better memes this year I’m flying to your hell-sheep-rock-land to fight you.

@thornheartcat: we’re waaaaay too fucking similar for our own good. To our taste in video games and anime (max weebage) to our experiences with ASD, I’ve found so many ways to relate to you, which has made talking to you so fun. And that’s another thing: you’re older than me by a lot, but you’ve never treated me any differently, which has meant so much to me. You’ve always put me on equal ground with you and the rest of your friends, and have tolerated my fuckery since day 1, even if you do have some questionable choices in media you enjoy. The long and short of it is, you’re hella rad and hella nerdy, and I love nerding out with you. Thank you for seeing past my age and treating me just like anyone else.

@catcatamelia: chaotic Aussie lesbian says what??? Amelia you’re fucking great and so talented and so creative, and you’re so much fun to be around. I love playing shitty and good video games with you, as well as just talking and memeing back and forth and watching you draw; you’re so amazingly multitalented and interesting that I never get bored around you. I wish that we could hang out via the interwebs more, but bullshit scheduling is bullshit scheduling and whatcha gonna do. You’ve also always been there to comfort me because, like so many of my amazing friends, we share so many issues and commonalities that you always know just what to say. Thank you for never being afraid to open up and just be your wild self. Please never change.

@sea-reader: I left you for last because I have the most to say to you. Our relationship has been up and down in the almost one year we’ve known each other, and it’s mostly due to me. Since we started talking on discord, I’ve always loved listening to you talk about whatever; you always bring your own energy and passion to it, and even if it’s about stuff I don’t know a whole ton about, I’m never bored listening to you talk about it. You’re funny, and smart, and talented, and I’m so glad to have met you in the first place. You were a major factor in helping me out of my shell; there wasn’t a day that went by in the first half of this year where I didn’t mention you in some capacity to someone I knew because you’d said something hilarious or really smart or had brought some new idea I’d never thought of to the table or just done something. Was it the most healthy thing in the world? No, and looking back on it we started getting unhealthy even before The Thing That I’m Not Going To Mention In Public, but we’re continuing to grow and improve even to this day, and for that I’m forever thankful. You could have easily shut me out after that incident, but you didn’t; you gave me a second chance that I’ve rarely ever gotten, and I’m so, so glad. I know we likely won’t ever be as close as we once were, nor will we be able to talk like we once did, but that’s okay, because it doesn’t have to be perfect. It just has to be us, and it has to be healthy, and that’s enough for me. I love you more than I can say, just like everyone else, and I can only hope 2019 brings the best for the both of us. Thank you for being a friend, Lori, because our relationship, the good and the bad, was part of what I needed and got from all of the people I interacted with and met this year. Happy New Year, you dork.

If I missed anyone, please forgive me; it’s now 7 minutes to 2019, and I’m rushing. Tl;dr; Happy New Years, everyone. Be a little better, because you can be, even if you don’t think so.

-Geoff.

[beardcore-blog]

Wolfenstein 2: The New Colossus Review

This review will have all the spoilers. You’ve been warned.

It was either late 2013 or early 2014. Good times. I was messing around on Youtube one day looking at videos of the latest Batman game. Then in the recommended videos I saw something that both confused and intrigued me. The thumbnail was the iconic image of Niel Armstrong saluting the American flag he just planted on the moon. Except there were a couple differences. Twisted, terrifying differences. The American flag was replaced with the banner of Nazi Germany. And Niel was Seig Heil’ing to it. I’m pretty sure I let out an audible "what the fuck?" apon seeing this. This was the E3 trailer for Wolfenstein: The New Order. For those who don’t know, Wolfenstein is one of the oldest franchises in gaming, and put FPS games on the map. A goofy game about shooting Nazis in WWII that gave 90s gamers the chance to shoot the hell out of Mecha-Hitler. Think of it as a prototype to the more infamous Doom series that would launch shorty after. The New Order was a modern-day reboot with some ambitious questions. The biggest one being "what if they won instead?" The New Order takes you to an alternate 1960 where the Nazis beat the allied forces to the nuke (among other advanced tech) and thus took over the world. It was grim. It was campy. It was subtle. It was loud. It was dumb. And it was also much smarter and more engaging than anyone would’ve thought. So it went on to be a smash hit in 2014, and one of my favorite games ever. A few months ago to the day this is being posted, Bethesda stopped by E3 and showed the world it was sequel time, showing off Wolfenstein 2 The New Colossus (Actually like the 3rd or 5th in the series) to the world. The next day I preordered the hell out of it. Was it worth it? Well after 10 days of tearing through it, lemme tell you.

So I’ll start off with things I didn’t like, get the negativity out of the way. It’s not a big list but I think what on it is valid. In The New Order, which I shall now abbreviate as TNO, in nearly all sections you could either go in fast and loud, putting holes in everything that moves with dual automatic shotguns and a big laser cannon. Or you could be a bit more stealthy about things, sneaking through vents and corridors putting knives in throats and taking care of problematic enemies from afar with a suppressed pistol (which might I mention was one of the things I loved about the TNO; keeping the pistol relevant and not just a forgettable starter weapon like most shooters). It was all about personal play style, but both options were viable. In The New Colossus, which I shall now abbreviate as TNC, going in loud was the way I always went because it seemed more viable. And I always went stealth in TNO. I probably just need to learn the areas, but there was some problems I ran into. Like this game being dark. Not story wise (even though it is) but literally. I remember alot of areas meant to be stealth-able lacking in the lighting department, and I set my brightness at the recommended settings, too. Anytime I’d get caught it’d be from and enemy that I couldn’t see. And that leads to another problem. In TNO, enemies stuck out in the maps. Even if they were dully-colored humaniods coming in plentiful shades of gray you’d still spot them from across the area. It was probably due to both TNO being brighter and the enemies having a wide design variety. Not so much in the TNC. There’s less design variety here and they all seem to just blend into the background alot. Even the brightly-colored HAZMAT and Venus space troopers don’t pop in anything less than Glamour Magazine photo booth. On top of that those two previously mentioned troopers, while being obvious separate models apon inspection, honestly just look like classic Mortal Kombat-esque palette swaps. Again, TNO had alot of variety in their designs. Which is why it was a shame there was no proper model viewer in TNO, and why it’s straight-up bullshit their isn’t one in TNC. One of my favorite bits of last year’s DOOM (another Id games classic updated for the modern world) was a model viewer that let you get an up-close look at the game’s monsters and weapons. The Batman: Arkham games have had it for years. Hell, I remember having them back in 2005 with Jak III. Why can’t Wolfenstein, with their toybox of greatly-designed characters, weapons and assets have it? Or a photo mode, too? I’m not insane about graphics in games, but I still appreciate them with how incredible they are today, and TNC is no exception. It’s a beautiful game. Let me appreciate it to the fullest extent possible. Honestly these days model viewers and photo modes are something all games should have with how far graphics have gone. If only bosses got the same advancement. TNO had a few that aren’t Psycho Mantis or Big Baby Bowser levels, but they were fun nonetheless. DOOM’s bosses were one of the highlights for me. TNC has none of those. Here and then there’s an enemy that can act as a sort-of miniboss, but their’s nothing big and climactic like TNO’s showdown with the towering London Monitor, or the final showdown with the main antagonist, General Deathshead. The "final boss" of TNC is more of a gauntlet than anything. 3 pairs of Supersoldiers, a higher-powered but still common enemy assisted by a shitload of standard infantry, finished off by 2 "Zerstörers", which are basically super versions of the Supersoldiers (I call them "Super-duper Soliders"). The main antagonist of the game, General Engel, goes down with one melee attack, only vainly defending herself with a pistol. An outdated pistol by both the game’s and IRL standards. In a game where mechs, actual Avengers Helicarriers and boimechanically-enhanced mutants are possible, you’d expect so much more. Especially with Hitler himself making an appearance. I was really looking forward to a modern-day Mecha-Hitler. Not sure if I’d want bosses to worry about though since something as simple as getting your weapons out can be a pain. In TNO you could dual wield nearly every weapon in the game, but you could only dual wield two of the same gun. In TNC dual wield returns, for every weapon you can carry, and you can interchange between them. And while it has it’s uses for sure, it feels kinda clunky, not to mention slow. TNC takes it’s sweet time letting you change your weapons which can be fatal, especially since this game carries over a problem TNO had in that you’re not exactly warned when your current ammo’s about to run dry and you’re gonna get lit up while changing a clip.

Now to the good, which I assure you outweighs the bad. Lemme start by saying that the gunplay feels as fantastic as before. Every gun has kick and you feel it whenever you see a Nazi get turned to mush by your triple-barreled automatic rotary shotgun. Yes, that’s a thing in this game. As is a pistol-sized grenade launcher. And sticky-bomb launcher. And an OP-as hell laser cannon that atomizes people and metal covers/doors alike. And all of these can be powered-up through upgrades. The Shotgun can be upgraded to have ricochet rounds to deal even more damage. The pistol can have a suppressor so it stays useful like it did in TNO. The Assault Rifle can have both a scope and armor piercing rounds making it able to down mechanical enemies in one shot. And the laser cannon. Oh god the Laser cannon. Called the LaserkraftWerk in the game, it’s by far the best weapon you’ll get, even before upgrades. One shot will destroy even more armored infantry, but when you upgrade it so the blast can be charged, ooooooohhh. One charged blast will down Super soldiers with ease, and even on higher difficulties the powerful Zerstörer units I mentioned earlier will fall with a few good shots. Combo this with an extended battery doubling your already-decent ammo pool, And you’re unstoppable. I guess that leads to another issue. While every gun has their uses and you’ll likely use every one at one point, like DOOM before it you’ll probably cruise along primary’ing 2 guns. For me it was the Shotgun and Laserkraftwerk. But even then they weren’t the weapons I used the most. It was the heavy weapons. In TNO there was a Heavy MG you’d find here and there. It was powerful, sure, but could only be picked up and not carried in your inventory, and slowed you down considerably. You couldn’t sprint and crouching reduced you to a snail’s pace, and interacting with anything would make you drop it. In TNC there’s 4 types of heavy weapons and they’re awesome. They still slow you down but nowhere near the TNO’s. You CAN interact with stuff and you can even sprint with them. Doesn’t sound like much but believe me, that makes a world of difference. Another thing that gives you an edge in combat is the contraptions. There’s 3 in total; The Ram Shackles, which allow you to bash through both weak walls and enemies alike, the Constrictor Harness, which allows you to sneak around in tight spaces, and the Battle Walker, my favorite, which is just some goddamn stilts. They let you get to higher places so its not anywhere as useless as it sounds, but also has perks, like the other contraptions. You’ll be able to tank explosions without falling over, make enemies freeze n terror at the sight of you, and even keep your overcharged health from going down, my favorite. Speaking of health, one thing that makes the newer Wolfenstein and Doom games is the lack of regenerating health. You have to find health and armor in the levels, and this returns in TNC. One addition though is instead of having to pick up stuff manually, walking over health and armor pieces will make you pick it up automatically, though manually picking them up like before is still an option. It admitting needs refinement but it works well enough. It’s nice after a firefight were I took a beating, I remember where a health pack or some armor was, I run to that location, and I already have some extra heath/armor on me when I get there from the bits that was lying around. While I did say that their isn’t much variety in the enemie’s designs, the designs that are there are good, and carry over that retrofuturistic asthetic I loved so much about TNO. My favorites are either the Ubersoldat, with is basically a Nazi T-800, or the previously-mentioned Zerstörer. Enemy behavior is much better in this game too. In TNO during a stealth section if an enemy ran into a dead body, they’d just move along like something happened. In TNC, enemies are much more sharp. Anything louder and light sniffle they’re hear and investigate, and if they find a dead body they go into high alert and start hunting for you. The levels are incredible too, truly feeling and looking like a 1960s America under Nazi control. The level layouts in this game are kinda funny. In TNO a new level was an entirely new location. In TNC, multiple levels are across one location. This is due to the levels being so much more vast than TNO if anything. My favorite level is either the Nazi base on Venus (the actual planet), or Manhattan, which was directly hit by a Nazi nuke in WWII and is now a desolate, irradiated wasteland. You could feel how thick and cancerous the air is, and the devastated buildings have their upper skeletons eerily bent and curled from the blast. Fallout fans will have a bit of deja vu going through it. All these locales help guide the story along, which like TNO before it is a standout part of the game. TNC takes place right after TNO more or less, after the main character, BJ Blazcowiz, is mortally injured in his big battle with General Deathshead. You’re saved by your resistance buddies before they nuke the place, but you’re still messed up. After 5 months in a coma, the game finally starts. With you shooting Nazis on a U-boat you captured previously in a wheelchair. For half the game the only reason you’re able fight again is thanks to a power suit wired to BJ’s brain. Even while you’re fighting BJ’s injuries are taking their toll. By his own estimate, he has weeks. Which is tragic to think about since in TNO, he met Anya Oliwa, a nurse who took care of him during a prior comatose, and eventual lover. By the time TNC rolls around, she’s heavily pregnant with BJ’s twins. Not being their for his kids is something BJ laments a few times, and you feel for him. Especially when you learn about his awful childhood at the beginning of the game. He deserves a good family, and it sucks he’ll never get that. And for a bit it really seemed like that he wouldn’t since midway through the game, BJ’s betrayed by his abusive, racist, Nazi-loving father who make his childhood such a shitshow, and is captured by Nazi forces. After a few weeks of parading "Terror Billy" The most horrible terrorist the world has ever seen according to the Nazi propaganda machine, BJ is executed in front of the Nazified Lincoln memorial to an audience of millions. Beheaded, it really seems like the game took a grim turn. Luckily due to the quick work of his aforementioned buddies in the resistance and some advanced tech, BJ is saved, if head slapped onto a new super soldier body. This brings up something that some reviewers had an issue with. TNC goes through a tone shift in story midway through the game. It starts out very grim and foreboding. Your base was attacked, the leader of the resistance is murdered right in front of you, America seems like it’s perfectly fine living under the Nazi’s boot, BJ is crippled and basically expecting death, and his unborn kids seem like they won’t have a dad. Even in gameplay things feel grim at first. Even with the power suit giving double armor you can’t escaped the halved health. You really feel like you’re playing a crippled character. BJ himself puts it out there pretty good. "I take it off, I’m afraid I’ll fall apart and all the pieces won’t fit back together again." Then he loses that body and gains one that can actually move on it’s own power and then some. BJ is basically reborn. stronger than ever. It makes sense that the game would kick up to a more upbeat tone. You’re a new man, more powerful than ever before. This can be done. You can save the world. This upbeat attitude peaks at the birthday party scene. Just before the final assault, it turns out it’s BJs birthday, so what do you and your resistance buddies do? Party like theirs no tomorrow, because for all they know there might not be. If their’s one thing I like in a story it’s reminding me that the character I’m playing and the characters around them are people, and not by just showing me their trauma and flaws. Every character in Wolfenstein already has those in spades. I’m more for seeing them having fun. Being happy. Enjoying eachother’s company. Take me out of the misery for once and remind me that their’s something good in the world. Not to say seeing smiles on their faces is what made them good characters. Every major character is pretty good in this game. Grace Walker, The new resistance leader and black revolutionary front member is pretty much a female Samuel L. Jackson. General Engel, The game’s antagonist, is the perfect villain in that you want nothing more but to see her get what’s coming to her. Super Spesh, Grace’s husband and crackpot alien conspiracy theorist, gives some good comic relief for the time he’s around. And Anya. Fucking Anya. Loyal, smart, and considering the crazy shit she does while carrying twins in her, may be more badass than BJ himself. And even with the grim beginnings don’t think this game takes itself too seriously. In one level, right after BJ monologues to himself about his imminent mortality, he (and us) get a first glimpse at the Nazi’s rocket-powered train system. Something he immediately responds to with basically "what the fuck?". After nuking the Nazi high command in fucking Roswell, BJ escapes on what’s pretty much the monocycle from Men In Black. Before BJ’s head is slapped onto his new body, it’s dropped in a jar like Futurama. That Venus level I mentioned earlier? You get there on a Nazi flying saucer. And again, stilts. One of your upgrades is big, stompy stilts.

Overall out of all the recent iD software games to hit the scene lately, I’d say DOOM is my favorite. But I’ll give it to The New Colossus. With a few bumps here and their it’s just as fun to play as it’s predecessor, and improves in most areas. Overall, yes, it’s a step up from The New Order, and if you want a fun, absurd shooter with a good story to tell, look no further,

Posted by SHARPSPEED on 2017-11-08 21:23:49

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