#+ alice's birthday....it's sooner than i thought oh god

[notyoinara]

alice yabusame art marathon 2024 has ended early.........it's okay there's always next year

[allamericanb-tch]

crimson rivers thoughts (19)

@tastetherainbow290 this was CRAZY and very long i read A LOT

chapter 51

"I love him so much. It tears me apart that I can't make him see just how special he is." i need a james

james and remus being friends

“The Hallows would sooner believe Sirius fell in love with the actual moon before they believed he fell in love with a servant” 😭😭

these fools need to hug each other

they told each other their birthdays! look at them opening up to each other

sirius is so cute just talking to the moon

lily mention 

regulus being mad bc he fell asleep on sirius 😭

“Sirius will sleep when he's dead, and hey, that'll probably arrive for him sooner rather than later. Silver lining? Bad joke.” YEAH IT WAS A BAD JOKE

day three! they’re going to escape today right? i hope 

sibling moment

more weird creatures?!

AUGUSTA NO

SHE LIVES!!! huzzah alice

yes emmeline 

“"You know," Sirius muses, "if James were here, he'd be beat-boxing right now."” sirius’ name is so ironic bc that man is NEVER serious 😭

regulus calling james his fiancé ❤️‍🩹

sirius 😭

“I am going to be sexy until the day I die” yes you are sirius

“Did he know he was engaged prior to Regulus announcing it when he sent the bagel? No. Is he going to protest it? Also no.” james is the realest ever

WHAT ARE THEY DOING

i’m gonna cry omg

i know regulus makes it but why would they torment him like this. 

evan 💔

YES

i am jumping with joy rn

chapter 52

boggarts?!

oh no so many warnings for this chapter

dorcas!

lucius?! 

the boggart 😧

oh!

they’re making into a competition of course they are

"You remind me of my Alphard. He cared so much it killed him." 💔

biological warfare 😧

VANITY 💔

sirius lost regulus AGAIN?!

oh!

narcissa?!

vanity 💔

JAMES?!

oh it’s a boggart

poor reg he just can’t catch a break

this is so sad omg i am actually going to cry

marlene!!!!! huzzah!!!

cannibalism as a metaphor for love 

“she could have put it though his chest. he wishes she did.” 💔

fiancé 🤭

oh no

AUGUSTA 💔

i’m crying omg

i love alice

this is so sad

poor frank omg 💔

oh no bellatrix has found sirius

no he’s dissociating 

i know sirius is alive but OMG

bellatrix doing what she does in order of the phoenix when she kills sirius ah stop it don’t do this to me

rip bellatrix black you will not be missed 🙏 

HE LIVES!!!!!

“bellatrix died with tears on her cheeks” WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT

alice ☹️

poor frank omg 

“we’re starting a war” AHHHH i love you dorcas

chapter 53

narcissa ☹️

james finding out about his district ☹️

oh i forgot about mary i hope she is safe

i forgot dorcas didn’t know about remus

oh!

i really hope remus didnt leave omg

effie!!!!

lily what

“Euphemia passes her thumb over the letter in her pocket and really, really hopes that Remus is included in that.” we are all hoping

mary! she is safe

the great hall 😯

enemies to lovers marylily endgame?!

sybill 😭

i still am confused on so bingley is

kingsley and sybill love

barty and amos 😭😭

“i don’t even like men” “you do not darling” i love barty

sybill is HILARIOUS how did she not know she was in a relationship with someone

sybill telling everyone about their Secret mission

barty too?! okay everyone’s just getting in on this i guess

barty seducing amos into letting them go on the mission he is So Funny i love him so much 

thunderbird thieves ATE

oh no james what happened

REMUS LEFT NO

poor pandora ☹️ she has to leave her dying father behind that is so sad

uh oh 😧

james saving the day as always

revolution!

lily: “we have this under control.” meanwhile everyone in the background screaming that they’re all going to die 😭

the ring is a tracker!

dorcas being a prepared queen 

“"You're crazy," Rodolphus states. "I like crazy." "I like women," Dorcas replies. "Only."” icon behavior i love dorcas so much

rodolphus being a respectful king

mission mission mission

oh no the password

POPPY!

marlene what are you doing

oh no no no no

they got regulus thank god but they can’t leave sirius behind

oh no oh no oh no

why would you end the chapter like this

guys my heart is beating so fast rn i’m not even joking and i have to end here bc i have to go back to school ahhhh 

chapter 54

oh no everything is going wrong

dorcas literally Killing It

“At one point, James runs out of bullets, looks at his gun, then just throws it at the Auror in front of him” 😭

remus kill count: 2

eek

james and his bleeding heart

FRANK NO

dorcas telling james about sirius why is this chapter so sad

james what are you doing

oh. remus doesn’t know about sirius

barty 😭

marlene 😧

MARLENE!!!!!

ugh snape

voldy 😧

sirius in azkaban that is FOUL

chapter 55

kingsley 💔

poor andromeda ☹️

effie ❤️‍🩹

i’m gonna cry ahhhh

LILY

oh no

poor remus omg 💔

“revived six years later just to disintegrate before her very eyes.” oh

lowkey forgot about aberforth

boooo dumbledore 🍅🍅🍅

chapter 56

sirius being chronically bored

sirius calling voldy a dead fish 😭

sirius is a certified yapper

sirius just. swallowing voldy’s blood 😭

WHO IS BINGLEY

OHHH HES MARY’S BROTHER

marylily? marylily. 

remus and lily friendship ❤️‍🩹

lily being in love with mary <3

effie ❤️‍🩹

marlene ☹️

barty and rodolphus? okay

opulent another vocab word

JAMES

chapter 57

of course it didn’t pick up with james’ pov. 

pandora being an oblivious queen 😭

dorcas being lily’s The One That Got Away ☹️

lily 😭

lily ☹️

mary next ahhhh

kiss kiss kiss

afhhhhh i need jegulus happenings its been too long

this is so sad ☹️☹️☹️

“aturally, Regulus freezes like a startled hare under the gaze of a watchful wolf.” get it bc remus is a werewolf

nooo don’t fight

yay they’re friends again 

"Dumbledore of the Albus variety” 😭

JAMES?!

james….

“and he's so nervous and full of anxious anticipation that he's struck with the impulse to beat-box.” JAMES 😭😭😭

sirius 😧

“you’re hot” then sirius 😭😭

"Are you, like, allergic to prison?" 

prongsfoot is prongsfooting

☹️

chapter 58

ALBUS AND ARIANA WERE IN THE SAME HUNGER GAMES?!

ALBUS VOLUNTEERED FOR ABERFORTH?!

side note — i love that their names are albus and aberforth and then theres just 💫ariana💫

regulus is learning all the lore

so grindelwald killed ariana? and that’s why albus killed him?

albus dumbledore, always pacing in his office. 

regulus is so regulus

"If I can't persuade the leader in you, then let me persuade the man who knows what it is to be in love, let me persuade the brother you are. I love James, and Sirius is my brother. Please."

"We have a deal."  HUZZAH!

dora you are a little icon 

sprout! 

trojan horse 😧

ahhhh wolfstar and jegulus happenings will be happening soon 

marleneee don’t be mean to the love of your life

this is sad

i’m giving you an all tomato. which means you give me the whole tomato, or else.

they’re swapping…. please don’t die marlene

the way mary and sirius are always together briefly in every fanfic 

MARYLILY KISS!!!!!!! AHHHHH!!!!!!!!! a cheek kiss but a kiss nonetheless 

barty 😭😭

oh regulus

effie 😭 god i love her

barty is so barty 

DID HE JUST BREAK SOME RANDO’S ARM 😭 REGULUS WHAT THE HECK MAN valid honestly. defend your man’s honor.

“needless to say regulus ends up in solitary” yeah we all saw that coming

aberforth! he’s really starting to grow on me

regulus is so regulus

pomona having an Extensive Wine Collection is so real

why does marlene have it out for lily (i mean i know why but they need to Be Friends)

oh are they Being Friends now?

yes they are and i love them ❤️‍🩹

chapter 59

ugh snape

why is this literally the red scare

OH WAIT is severus dumbledore’s ‘source’

“Potter is a fool, no doubt about it, but he isn't the biggest fool in this room. No, that honor goes to Riddle.” bars

did anyone else stop breathing when they read the suffocation part

"Now, I present you with my own to do something that's very on brand for James and I, which is me arguing with literally everything he just said."

“Oh, yeah, Sirius remembers what he did. He got sexy.” 😭😭 sirius 

“My pasta is calling my name, you have no idea." ME FR

of course remus is volunteering to go get sirius

😧

sirius you did not just say “welp” 😭😭😭

i miss evan 💔

oh!

i hate that remus knows exactly where sirius is but also yay for the mission?

sirius nooo

eeeeee they’re kissing but can they Get Out Of There

"He never got to eat his pasta." 😭

dead body chute 💀

ok severus

ok i have to read another chapter…

chapter 60

james 😧

dorcas is So In Love and i lover i love dorlene

pomona 💔

i hope this has a happy ending 

"The world doesn't revolve around me, Dorcas." "Mine does." I LOVE DORLENE

bingley!

i love bingley and lily being friends

MARYLILY!!!!! AHHHHH!!!!!! ITS HAPPENING!!!!!!

oh?

“hope can be found, even in the darkest of times, if only one remembers to turn on the light.” dumbledore core

they’re immune ?!

DID SIRIUS GET IMMUNITY FROM INGESTING VOLDYS BLOOD 😭

regulus climbed the tree?! i am proud of him ❤️‍🩹

i’m crying

“he needs his glasses”

effie ☹️

“Before Regulus ever found the sun in James, Sirius was the brightest light he knew; his guiding star.” ❤️‍🩹

crying still

chapter 61

james pov!

he’s high 😭

“no! my skin” 😭😭

“what did the big flower say to the little flower? hey there bud” james im in love with you

“I love you because you're you. And you—you're my friend, Remus.” ❤️‍🩹

"We're alone, love." ahhhhhhh jegulus is So Back

baby

molly got glasses for james omg 

fab and gid 💔

eeee they’re kissing 

"I love you, James. I loved you from the start, I love you now, and I'll love you for as long as love is something that exists—and, if it ever stops existing, I'll reinvent it just for you."

🎶confess i loved you from the start🎶

remu and sirius

sirius you can’t just tell remus you think you should break up ?!

no don’t break up ?!

remus 😧

huzzah!

they’re kissing again

should i end here while it’s happy(ish)? i think i will i read so much today

[atomicstrawbrys]

We Need to Talk

Summary: Alfred’s girlfriend isn’t usually one for cryptic messages. So, when he gets a text that they need to have a ‘talk,’ he can’t help but worry. USUK. //

Alfred, we need to talk.

That was the only text message that Alfred’s girlfriend, Alice, sent him. He gulped as he read it, running a hand through his hair as he wondered what it could mean. He didn’t think he’d done anything wrong recently, and besides, when he messed up Alice was usually a lot more open about it, and they talked it through. Cryptic messages definitely weren’t her style, but, hell, that just made Alfred more nervous.

Though they were in their college years now, Alfred had met Alice when they were thirteen. A new student from another country, well, Alice got all the attention, with her fancy accent and her prim and proper clothes and demeanor. Not all of it was good attention- she was teased mercilessly by some, but she gave as good as she got. And honestly, that was what had drawn Alfred to her. She was composed, sure, but there was a fire burning in those eyes that was more than ready to flare up against anyone that would do her harm. She was smart, sharp, and witty, but also gentle and kind, and on her birthday, she brought in cupcakes she’d made herself. And god, they were delicious.

Alfred’s quiet admiration had turned into a soft infatuation once they got into high school. Everything Alice did was amazing, and he didn’t care what anyone else thought. People whispered when she switched out tartan dresses and white blouses for baggy jeans and hoodies, and they stared when she came into school with her hair cut to the base of her neck rather than in a long, flowing ponytail or braid. But to be honest, Alfred didn’t give an ounce of care to what she looked like- she was always gorgeous, as long as her eyes remained a sharp, refreshing lime green, as long as she snorted when she laughed, and as long as her blush brought out her face full of freckles.

Alfred went to prom with her in junior year. He’d planned out a big love confession, with roses and sparklers and confetti and anything his Hollywood-saturated brain could think of. But, one day Alice simply turned to him, looked him over, and said “Hey, do you want to go to prom with me?” and Alfred had melted.

Now, years later, they were still going steady. They’d dated leading up to and after junior prom, and they stayed together throughout high school and their freshman year of college. Every day spent with Alice was like being in Eden- everything she said and did commanded his attention, and as far as Alfred was concerned, she had hung the sun and the moon and all the stars in the sky.

And, evidently, she wanted to have a talk. Nervously, he tacked his message out on his phone’s keyboard. He sent it, adding a little smiley face to try and diffuse the tension he felt through the screen.

Sure thing, baby! :) Is everything okay?

He got a response right away.

That will depend on you. I’ll be at your apartment tonight.

Mysteries, mysteries...whatever this was, Alice wasn’t ready to divulge it just yet. Alfred’s stomach was doing flips, and it was hard not to think of the worst possible outcome. Alice wasn’t going to break up with him...right? Of course, he wouldn’t stop her, he’d never do anything to hurt her, but...he thought they were happy. She told him she loved him every day, they laughed and joked around and could sit comfortably in perfect silence for hours- not that that happened often, since Alfred was by his own admission a chatterbox. Still, she loved listening to him, and would actually pay attention and ask questions when he launched into his long and aimless tangents about everything that happened in his day. Had he been annoying her? This whole time? She’d have said something, wouldn’t she?

Alfred spent the afternoon as a bundle of nerves, the only thing on his mind being the ominous message sitting in his pocket. He felt as if he were falling, whilst simultaneously being crushed by stones. He was distracted in his classes, and though he was usually a dutiful note-taker, (Alice wasn’t the only one with good grades), he found himself staring blankly at his professors and not absorbing a word they said. This would give him a hell of a time doing the chapter quizzes later in the week, but today, the only thing that mattered was figuring things out with his girlfriend.

When he got to his apartment, Alice was waiting outside. She was so beautiful, just like always- short, cropped hair, flattened chest covered by a green sweater, brown slacks and matching penny loafers...she looked up at him, and Alfred could tell she’d been crying, the telltale red rings around her eyes being the only indication he needed. “Oh, baby…” He murmured, face crumpling as he approached her. “Whatever happened, I am so sorry, okay? Did something happen? Is it my fault?” Alice cleared her throat and gestured towards the door. “Alfred- I’d rather speak about this inside.” “Oh! Oh, right, of course, sorry,” Alfred fished his house key out of his jacket pocket, fumbling with it and unlocking his door after a couple tries. He placed a hand on Alice’s back, gently guiding her in. “Do you want tea?” He looked to her, eyes big and pleading for some kind of reassurance that things were okay. He didn’t get it, though. Alice’s face didn’t betray anything about why she’d come, and other than shaking her head to refuse the tea, it didn’t change. “Alfred,” She began, slowly. “I love you so, so much.” She took his hand, gaze cast down as she blinked quickly. “I hope I’ve made that quite clear over the years we’ve seen each other.” Alfred just nodded and squeezed her hand. He could be unobservant, but even he could tell that the air was heavy, and it was Alice’s time to speak. “What I need to tell you- it’s scary, because I’m afraid I may lose you if I say it, and I don’t ever want to lose you. But I need to make myself happy too, you know?” She looked up at him, sniffing and shaking her head, her bangs falling over her eyes. “You’re a wonderful man. And...I should have told you sooner, probably, but I just kept thinking you’d just get it eventually- I realize that was naive of me, ha, you’re not stupid in the slightest but you are dense, my Love.” She let out a hoarse chuckle, one that made Alfred nervous. It was the sad sort of laugh- one someone might do when they were getting ready to say goodbye. “Alice..” He started, but she cut him off. She looked up at him, meeting his eyes, and although she was nervous when she spoke, her voice didn’t tremble. “No, Alfred. My name is Arthur.”

Oh. Oh.

And suddenly, it clicked. Little things that really should have tipped him off, but didn’t because Arthur was right, he was dense, denser than lead- he should have noticed the day he’d seen Arthur in his binder, but god, he’d thought it was a compression tank for sports. He should have noticed when their teachers referred to Arthur as ‘he,’ and he never corrected them. He should have noticed it when Arthur absolutely beamed the day a stranger referred to him as ‘young man.’ And then, as Alfred floated back to the present, he realized Arthur was still talking.

“-And I know, Al, that you’ll always respect who I am, but I also realize that you’re attracted to women and I’m, well, not one. While I love you to death and I want to stay together more than anything, I realize that you might not be able to reciprocate that and I want you to know that I’m not going to be upset at you if you choose to break up with me-” He was talking a mile a minute, nervous and wringing his hands in the absolutely adorable way he always did when he was unsure of something but wanted it badly. 

Laughing, Alfred scooped up his boyfriend, swinging him around like a doll. “Break up with you? Baby, I thought you were gonna break up with me!” He pressed a wet kiss to Arthur’s cheek, and hugged him close, nosing against his hair.

“So...we are staying together?” Arthur replied, arching his brow with a small, hopeful smile gracing his lips. Alfred kissed him, chuckling. “‘Course we are. Artie, you should know by now that I’m gonna love you no matter who you are.” Then, Alfred’s grin turned bashful, and he set Arthur down so he could rub the back of his neck. “I’m sorry, though, for not pickin’ up on it before.”

Arthur laughed as well, and gave a cute little snort, shaking his head. “I’ve been dating you long enough to know that subtlety isn’t always your strong suit. I’m not that surprised, to be honest.” He held out his arms, a silent request for Alfred to pick him up again. Alfred obliged.

Arthur nuzzled against his neck, and gently kissed the skin under his jaw. “I am pleased, though, that you’ve handled it well. You seem happy, at least.” “Of course I’m happy,” Alfred replied, turning his head to kiss Arthur’s brow. “I just found out that I’m dating the cutest guy in the whole world.”

[starlocked01]

Second Glances

AO3

Masterpost- Previous- Next

Summary: Roman has spent years making his aesthetic Gay TM and yet his soulmate's first impression of him is that he's straight. What has he done so horribly wrong? Nothing, but first impressions often are wrong.

Day 18 Prinxiety- Your Soulmate’s first impression of you is written on your skin somewhere

Damn it all the cute ones are straight

The mark appeared on Roman’s 18th birthday at midnight and frankly, he was mortified. He had been out and proud for the past two years and almost always had a rainbow flag somewhere on his person or belongings. How in the world could his soulmate get such an incorrect idea of him?

He interrogated all his friends at school to see if any of them had crushes on him and had thought he was straight but with no luck. Apparently they all had better gaydar than his soulmate.

Roman didn't have much time to worry about soulmates though because in just a few weeks he and his twin were moving into the dorms for freshman year of college. They packed up their entire room and wondered what their roommates would be like.

"I don't know Ro, what if they don't accept me or get uncomfortable with me?" Remus ran his fingers through his hair. He'd been growing it out almost a year now.

"Then I will kick their ass and get you a new roommate. Simple," Roman reassured Remus.

"Heh, thanks Ro," Remus smiled, still visibly nervous.

Roman grinned, "no one hurts my sibling and gets away with it."

On move-in day everything was a whirlwind. The car was packed past full and Roman was a ball of nervous energy.

"Remus, are you ready?" he called up the stairs.

"It's Renee today!" she called back down, appearing at the top of the stairs.

"Oops! My bad. Ready to go, sis?" Roman smiled broadly as she walked down, fussing with her skirt.

"Yeah!"

"Let's go! College here we come!"

Renee was unusually quiet during the drive. Roman spared as many glances away from the road as he could.

"You okay, hon?" He asked gently.

She nodded slowly, "are you sure I won't get funny looks during move in? Should I change into something masc before we get there?"

"No, you will do no such thing. It's a co-ed dorm, Ren. And I'm literally right down the hall," Roman shook his head.

Renee glanced down at her palm, "do you think I'll meet my soulmate today? I mean there's gonna be a lot of people there and it is a fem day…"

Roman smiled, "anything is possible, sis. Just keep being your beautiful self."

Thoughts of soulmates reminded Roman of his own frustrating mark. He kinda wondered what his soulmate’s mark said. Guess he'd think it sooner or later.

After the slightest confusion at sign in, he and Renee were ready to move into their dorm rooms. He decided to help Renee with her stuff first (and to make sure any roommate would know who they had to answer to). They were carrying in their first boxes and found her roommate already unpacked and chilling out at a desk with a book on existential philosophers.

The boy looked up and Roman and smiled extending a hand as he and Renee set down their boxes, "you must be Remus. I'm Janus. Nice to meet you."

Roman glared and opened his mouth to reprimand Janus but Renee spoke up first, "actually, I'm Renee!" she took Janus’ hand and shook it, "Remus is my legal name."

"Oh. Oh, my apologies! You would think I would know not to assume," Janus laughed uncomfortably, "sorry, Renee. It's charming to meet you."

"I'm Roman, her twin brother," Roman's mouth twitched. He was ready to cause a scene if things went south.

"Well, actually this is rather fortunate," Janus looked between the two twins, "I get the feeling you two will be understanding. I'm nonbinary and go by sie/sier pronouns. Again, I apologize for assuming. I hope we can get off on a better second impression."

Renee giggled, "that's so cool! I'm actually genderfluid. We can talk more later though, Roman and I still have to unpack all his stuff too."

Roman sighed in relief and turned to go get the next load of Renee's stuff.

After moving all her boxes from the car, Renee and Janus both helped Roman move his stuff into a room just down the hall from them. Even with moving Renee first, Roman’s roommate was nowhere to be found and he wondered if he lucked out with a no-show roommate and accidental single dorm room.

Renee was bubbly and excited, talking about her roommate and sier interests and opinions. Renee was already pretty infatuated with sier. Roman started to unpack his clothing.

"Ro, this is going to be the best! I'm so excited I can't contain it!" she started bouncing on the bed. Roman chuckled and pulled her into a tight hug.

Just then he saw a boy drowning in a purple and black hoodie stop at the door, double-checking the door number. He was so skinny, the only thing Roman could think was Tim Burton Reject but like Cute. The boy caught sight of Roman and Renee hugging and Roman almost thought he saw the 5 stages of grief flash through his eyes.

"Uh, should I come back later? I think this is my room…"

Roman grinned and walked over to the door, "come on in! Virgil right?" Virgil nodded, "hi, I'm Roman! This is Renee. Need help with your stuff?"

Renee waved and Virgil set his box down, "um sure, thanks."

Renee fiddled with her skirt, "Ro, I'm gonna go change."

"Okay, cool. Name when you get back?"

She skipped out of the room, "Reagan! Thanks Ro!"

Roman chuckled and smiled at Virgil, "you'll get used to them. They're genderfluid and switch kinda frequently."

Virgil nodded and started back down the hall to his car, "how long have you known each other?" His voice was tinted with barely noticeable jealousy.

"Since the day we were born. Reagan is my twin," Roman followed his roommate, oblivious to the confusion on his face.

"Wait.. siblings… ohhhh, oh thank god," Virgil was wide-eyed.

"What?"

"I thought Renee was your girlfriend. That would have been awkward," Virgil flushed with embarrassment and Roman broke out laughing.

"Wow, that's a first! I've never been told my sib looked like my S.O.! You're funny Virge!" Roman hit Virgil on the back in a friendly pat that sent the smaller boy stumbling forward.

They quickly moved the few boxes Virgil had brought into the room and both boys started unpacking. The room was tensely quiet until Reagan came barreling back into the room with their roommate in tow.

"Oh my God! You guys!! Janus is the sweetest bitch," their eyes were sparkling with excitement.

"All I did was offer to help with classwork," Janus mumbled. Sie looked at Roman and Virgil and could feel the awkwardness in the room that Reagan was oblivious to, "so, anyone know a good ice breaker?"

Roman and Virgil replied at the same time, "polar bears."

Janus snorted, trying to contain sier amusement, "not quite what I meant, but A for effort."

"Ooh, have either of you two met your soulmates?" Reagan grinned at Virgil and Janus.

"My birthday is in a couple of months, so I have no idea," Virgil shrugged, taping up an MCR poster.

Janus rolled sier eyes, "no, I'm not really trying to find them either. Their first impression of me is disappointment anyway and you know how impossible it is to correct a bad first impression."

Roman laughed, "I feel like I'm looking for the impossible! My soulmate’s first impression is that I'm straight . How?" he held up the pride flag that he was preparing to hang above his bed.

"I could imagine it if the first time they saw you, you were… I don't know, hugging your sister," Virgil coughed suspiciously.

"Well, I will quickly correct them. Shoot, I forgot to ask. Virgil are you okay with queer stuff all over my side of the room? Because if not we have a problem," Roman smiled nervously and Reagan snickered at him. He supposed he should have figured this out before outing Reagan to Virgil but better late than never.

"You're good, Princey. I might not be flamboyant but I'm definitely gay," Virgil smiled softly.

"How lucky you're rooming together," Janus smirked, "should we dismantle one of the beds now?"

Reagan howled with laughter as Roman and Virgil both vehemently denied that suggestion, faces redder than strawberries.

"Give it a month, Jan," they snickered, wiping a tear from their eye.

"Indeed, bet?"

"20 bucks says you're on."

"We're right here!" Virgil protested.

"Shut up, you know I love you guys," Janus replied smoothly.

"No. No, I don't know that," Virgil flipped up his hood to hide his face from the others and pulled out his DVD collection to sort it. Roman glanced over and gave a triumphant shout.

"I knew it! Corpse Bride, Alice in Wonderland, Nightmare Before Christmas, Beetlejuice? I knew you'd be into Tim Burton!" Roman grinned happily, "fantastic movies!"

"How? We've known each other for like an hour…" Virgil was confused.

"Ah, I think it was the hoodie. You just look like one of his characters, you know?" Roman's grin turned sheepish.

"Fair enough. That is my aesthetic," Virgil shrugged.

"So should we leave you two future love birds alone now or…?" Reagan chuckled. They could tell Roman liked his roommate a lot, even if he wasn't outwardly flirting.

"Excellent idea, Reagan. We can cause more mischief elsewhere," Janus turned to leave with Reagan following close behind sier.

The first semester of classes went chaotically fast. True to Reagan's prediction, Roman and Virgil started dating within weeks. Despite outward dissimilarities, the two made for a good couple, balancing each other's sweetness and snark and flair and dramatics.

Roman couldn’t help but feel nervous as the clock ticked closer to midnight. Winter vacation had been hard enough with Virgil on the other side of the country, but tomorrow was his birthday and Roman was anxious to figure out if the connection he felt with his boyfriend was as deep and as fated as he wanted it to be.

They were facetiming when the alarm Roman had set for midnight went off.

"Happy birthday, my chemically imbalanced romance!" Roman grinned as Virgil shook his head at the nickname, "where's the mark?"

Virgil chuckled, "can't I enjoy being legally adult for two minutes?"

"Virgillllll please?" Roman pleaded, puffing out his lip.

"Fine. I think it's on the back of my neck though. Hang on," Virgil turned off the camera to take a photo while Roman waited impatiently.

Roman couldn’t see his face but he could hear Virgil’s soft gasp, "what is it, love?"

"Did you really think that about me, Roman?" Virgil sounded upset and Roman wished he would turn the camera back on.

"I don't know, V, what does it say? Please turn the camera back on," Roman prodded gently.

The camera flicked back on and Roman could see the back of Virgil’s neck with a single line of shiny scarlet text, "Tim Burton Reject but like Cute."

"Your first thought of me was that I was a reject??" Virgil brought the camera back to his face and Roman could just make out the line of a tear cutting through his makeup.

"Virgil, it's not like that-"

"Well, it sure looks like it! Either that was your first impression of me or we aren't soulmates! I have to live with this on my skin for the rest of my life I deserve to know!"

Roman glared at Virgil, "quite hypocritical considering I have to live with the fact you thought I was dating my own sibling written across my ass!" Roman took a deep breath before continuing, "yes, my first thought of you wasn't the kindest phrasing. First impressions are so often very wrong. People aren't static pictures, they're living art. Just look at Remus; he's constantly changing. And I've seen you change in so many ways the past four months, Virgil. I would never call you a reject now. I'm sorry I did back then."

Roman watched Virgil’s face as he finished his apology. To his surprise, Virgil started to laugh, low and quiet at first but quickly growing.

"You were right though. I was so skinny, so dark, and so edgy- I think just about anyone would have agreed with you. I think you got the short end of the soulmate stick, Ro, because now you're stuck with me, the Tim Burton Reject," Virgil's smile was wide and genuine and Roman clasped his hand to his chest in relief.

"Oh my goodness, you scared me. I thought I was going to be single! Who knew your birthday was the actual nightmare before Christmas," both of them laughed at that, "goodnight love. Text me when you open your present."

Roman smiled as Virgil saluted and ended the call.

Thank the stars they actually were soulmates.

Tag List: @stoicpanther @ifrickenhatedeverythingaboutthis @idontgiveafuckaboutshit @tsshipmonth2020

[pianoperson]

Jonah lovemail

Dear Jonah,

... oh my God, it feels so long since I feel like I’ve talked to you. I will admit I haven’t thought of you as much as I used to, and I haven’t been screaming about you as frequently because now, Azul has been the person in my mind. I no longer play the game, and I don’t plan on buying your birthday story because I’m low on crystals and I can’t spend due to current circumstances. 

But God, I’d be lying if I say I don’t love you anymore.

Because I still do. I really do.

You’re still the wallpaper on my phone even though Azul has taken over my photo gallery. You’re still my Discord profile picture, and the few times I’ve changed my pfp, I absolutely spited the change and turned it back to you. 

I still lose it every time I spot a similarity between you and Azul because I’m still in love with you and seeing more of you in Azul makes me giddy and surprised. In fact, I think I probably accepted the fact that you may be my type. 

When I saw your ever after announcement? I went crazy. You looked so beautiful that I changed my Azul wallpaper on my laptop to you because that simple shot of you looked so beautiful, and in that moment, I really wished I was Alice wearing the veil. I really want your sequel to come sooner so I can admire you more, gaze at your beauty for hours, and hear about snippets of your story and proceed to scream about them in Discord because hearing more content of you is utter bliss.

When I read your latest English birthday story that a friend gave to me? Do you know how much I had to hold in my whimpers because my family was taking a nap? You were so adorable and I more than wanted to hug you right then and there and chase out the loneliness you felt. And seeing you so elated over mille-feuille? It’s such a familiar sight yet it never fails to make me smile because I know it makes you happy. 

When I saw your JP birthday card and CG? Oh God, let me just start with the birthday card because I wanted to see that smile so so badly? I’m not the type of person who likes flowers, but your smile made everything so beautiful and bright. I needed a card where you were smiling so much, and that card made me so happy. And your CG? Oh my God, your CG? I thought you and Alice were in a sauna, but it turns out that she’s wrapped as your present?? Did you know how much I went bonkers over that because I drew a Christmas comic of you tied up in pink ribbon last year? And then you just gave this sultry gaze at Alice as she lay on your bed as your present, and holy cow, I could not think. 

My heart still skips a beat every time I see your name. I still feel giddy every time I hear “Queen of Hearts” because I know that is the title you’re so proud of. I continue to smile every time I see the Queen of Hearts card because I think of you.

And just... God, I miss you Jonah. I miss your pout, I miss your noble heart and courage, I miss seeing you fight against other men to protect Alice. Every time I see screenshots of you from main routes, I still smile at how cute or how badass you are. I know I can always get the game back, but space is not fun for my phone and Ikerev hasn’t been fun to play in general ever since the second anniversary. 

You know what, Jonah? I’m usually so dedicated to one person to love romantically that I can’t leave space for anyone else. It has to be one person or none at all. But you... you changed that. Even if Azul is in my mind and heart, you’re still there. You haven’t left. Even when I think that I may be over you, something will make me realize that no, I’m still not over you. I still love you because why else do I continue feeling happy about you?

I know that Ikerev is dying in both English and Japanese fandoms, and someday, I may no longer see you. I hate the thought, but it may happen, and I’ve begrudgingly accept it. 

But despite that, you’ll always continue to live in my heart and memory because I will never forget the man who has helped me so many times and has made me learn more about myself as a person. I will never forget the man who made me happy even when the world seems glum. I will never forget you, Jonah.

So now, I just want to say the words I need to say today: happy birthday Jonah, happy birthday to the Queen of my heart. 

[kl4us4]

AWFULLY LONELY (Diego Hargreeves x Reader)

Requests: hey if you are still doing umbrella academy requests, could ya do one with the prompt "dance with me?" for diego? love you and your fics 💕💕

+ Hey could you make another diego hargreeves one? Read About It WAS SO GOOD

+ diego being absolutely infatuated with a gentle kind girl? and he gets so flustered when he tries to talk to her and she’s just so sweet? i’m so thrilled you write for UA now because i just finished it and i’m in love!!

ua masterlist

“Thank you!” You say to the waitress who brought you your drink, she smiles back before setting the coffee down and going back to work.

The smell of coffee fills your nostrils, making you feel warmly at home. The cafe wasn’t too busy, just a few people here and there.

Sitting in the corner of the room with your pen and paper in hand, you begin to write aimlessly when someone coughs loudly in front of you.

Looking up to see a tall pale man wearing a skirt and black feather jacket, grabbing another man by the arm, you smile up at the scene in front of you. “Hi?”

“Hi!” He grins widely, like the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland, “I’m Klaus!”

“I’m Y/N,” you hold your hand out to shake his, “Nice skirt, Klaus.”

Klaus curtsies, letting go of the other man’s hand. “Oh, danke!” Turning to the man beside him, who avoids your eye contact and looks to Klaus furiously. The exchange makes you laugh at the pair. “If you don’t ask her out, I might.”

“Klaus, you’re gay.”

“You can never be sure these days.” Klaus shrugs, “I could swing both ways.”

Diego sighs loudly, holding his hand out towards you. “My names Diego and I would like to apologise on behalf of my brother.”

Smiling, you gently shake his hand with a nervous smile. “Hi, how are you?”

“Not great, to be honest, Y/N...” Klaus shakes his head, eyebrows raised slightly as he pouts, “My birthday party is in a few days but Diego here doesn’t have a date for it. He’s awfully lonely.”

Diego turns to his brother, a forced smile etched onto his face whilst his eyes are clearly full of fury. “M-May I have a seat?” Diego asks you, to which you nod silently. Pushing Klaus away forcefully, Diego sits opposite you.

“Awfully lonely, huh?” You repeat Klaus’ words, making Diego smile in embarrassment.

“Uh, my brother is a bit... eccentric.”

You giggle, “I can tell. He seems sweet though!”

Diego nods, “When he wants to be, yeah.” Diego feels incredibly awkward and nervous to even be sitting next to you. He doesn’t know what to say. Or what to do with his hands. Or where to look.

Noticing his nerves, you carry the conversation with a kind smile. “Excited for your brother's party?” It doesn’t go unnoticed to Diego that you’re talking to him just to be nice.

Diego looks at his hands atop of the table and cuddles with them, “Half of me says yes because I can get hammered, the other half says no because there’s no way I can keep up with Klaus when he’s drinking.” Feeling as though he needs to carry the conversation on, he looks up at you and is almost blinded by your smile. “Do you have any siblings?”

You shake your head with a slight pout, “No, I wish! I’ve always wanted an older sister.” You admit, placing your pen down, “I’d be able to borrow her clothes instead of having to buy my own.”

Smiling, Diego just admired the way your face lights up when you talk. You in no way have an obligation to talk to him or to even be nice to him, yet here you are being kind and comforting to a complete stranger.

“It’s not that great having siblings.” Diego thinks back to all the times in his childhood where he felt alone, unloved, unwanted by the other adopted children around him. He holds back a sigh.

You’ve always been an observant person, and you can see how the conversations veered off to a darker place. “I mean Klaus can’t be that be that bad. After all, he did get you a date for his party, didn’t he?”

Diego looks stunned, his brown eyes widen and he just eyes you in confusion. “Y-You mean... you w-want to go with me?” He curses himself for stuttering, hoping that he hasn’t ruined it.

“Of course.” You respond happily

He furrows his eyebrows slightly, “You’re going to come to a complete strangers party?”

Laughing, you pause to consider the bad outcomes this could have. “You seem like good people so I’m willing to take my chances.”

The two of you share a smile, a coffee, and a long conversation.

The night of Klaus’ party couldn’t have come any sooner. You were thinking about it non stop for the next few days leading up to it.

Your days were spent working, thinking about what to wear, studying, thinking about what makeup to do, writing, and thinking about Diego. Something inside you is telling you that it’ll be good, you just have to work through your nerves.

Looking at yourself in the bathroom mirror, you appreciate your golden eyeshadow and winged eyeliner. Turning your head, you angle it to see the highlighter shining in the light. You give yourself a single nod, commending yourself for how fucking well you did.

You take a deep breath, hearing a car beep on the street outside your apartment. Diego. Unable to stop smiling, you grab your purse, your phone, and your keys - oh and a card for Klaus!- before rushing to the elevator.

And when you say it’s the longest elevator ride you’ve ever been in; you mean it. Time couldn’t seem to go any slower and your nerves began to get the best of you. You step out onto the street.

All negative thoughts disappear when you see him, leaning against his black car, wearing a button-down shirt and jeans. When he sees you, he pauses to admire you before giving you a smile.

When you hug him, you can feel your heart racing erratically and you try not to blurt out that he smells good. That’d be weird. Super weird. Don’t do it.

“You smell great, by the way!” You announce to him, wishing the world could end right now so you don’t have to deal with the fallout of you being awkwardly nice.

Diego lets out a laugh, looking down at you fondly. “You l-look... look uh, you look really great.” He responds, walking you to the passenger side and opening the door for you, mumbling an awkward and inaudible apology for stuttering his way through that sentence.

“Thanks.” When he closes the door, you let out a long sigh and mumble to yourself, “God Y/N, stop being so awkward.”

“I wouldn’t worry. He’s more awkward than you.” A voice coming from behind you makes you jump and you turn around to see Klaus laying down where the feet of back seat passengers should be.

“What are you-“

“Shh!” He whispers quickly, keeping an eye out for Diego who pulls out his phone. “He doesn’t know I’m here, I wanted to see how this goes but I know he won’t tell me. Klaus recieves an alert on his phone, and pulls it out rapidly. “He just said you look really good and he’s on his way home-”

“Get down!” You whisper to him, turning back around as Diego puts his phone away and opens the car door.

“S-Sorry, just messaging my family to let them know we’re on our way.” Diego smiles, closing his door and turning the radio on.

You nod to him with a smile, wondering if all siblings are as nosey as Klaus. “I didn’t know what to get Klaus so I just got him a card with some cash inside. I hope it’s okay!”

Diego glances at you, a smile growing on his lips as he makes a right turn. “You d-didn’t have to get him anything, you’re t-too kind!” He tells you as he squeezes his eyes shut slightly in attempts to imagine the sentences before they stream from his mouth, “I don’t think I even got him anything.”

You imagine Klaus in the backseat, biting his knuckles in agony at the fact that he’s receiving one less present from Diego. “I felt bad coming empty handed.” You shrug.

Diego marvels at you for a second before his eyes are back on the road. It’s only a 15 minute drive to what you assume is Klaus’ house. “Um, here we are.” He states, turning the car off, “Wait here.” He smiles as he exits and heads for your door.

“A card?” Klaus whimpers in a highpitched tone, “you shouldn’t have!”

Diego opens your door and you step out, thanking him. “So this is Klaus’ place?”

He shakes his head, “No, it was our fathers but a few of us live here now. He only died 9 months ago.”

“Oh,” you breathe, a frown on your face, “I’m sorry to hear that.”

Diego gestures the thought away, “Don’t let that ruin our night, we’re going to have fun. Klaus will force us to.”

Laughing as he opens the door for you, you’re left in awe at the size of the living room and the number of people there are filling it. “Welcome to our humble abode!” You hear Klaus announce from behind you.

Diego gives his brother an incredulous look, “What are you doing outside?”

You and Klaus share a silent look before he speaks up, lying through his teeth, “Went for a walk, you know me, ever the loner. Anyways, welcome Y/N!”

“Happy Birthday Klaus.” You chuckle, handing him his card.

“A card?” Klaus whimpers in a high pitched tone just like he did in the card, “you shouldn’t have!” He feigns shock as he eyes the envelope in his hands but the next sentence comes out more genuine, “Thank you, that’s very, very kind.”

You shrug, “It’s no big deal, thank you for actually letting me come.”

“Now, uh, if you’ll excuse us, Klaus...” Diego adds a smile of his own plastered onto your face at your genuine kindness. When he gingerly places a hand on the small of your back and gently pushes you forward, you feel your cheeks heat up.

“What would you like to drink?” Diego asks, having guided you both to the open bar.

You shrug, “Oh, I’m not sure yet.” You admit, looking at the innumerable amount of hard liquor lined up in a row.

Diego gives you something light - an apple cider - and he drinks one too. “My family are super curious about you, you... you’ll need this.”

Chuckling, you take a sip of the cider. It’s sweet in your mouth, quite nice actually. Especially since you don’t drink very often. “Thank you. I’m kind of excited to meet them. How many siblings do you have?”

“Five.”

“Five?” You repeat, eyebrows raised in shock. Diego nods, comically taking a large sip of his drink. “Oh my god, maybe I will need this drink.”

“Tell me about it.” He responds. You both share a laugh and Diego becomes more comfortable, akin to how he was during the end of your conversation at the coffee shop.

You meet his brothers and sisters one by one during the night. First, it’s Vanya.

“Wow, that’s a lovely name!” You compliment her, sitting beside her and her quiet boyfriend.

“Thank you, it’s Russian.” She responds with a shrug, appreciating how you’re one of the only people who has come up to her to talk. She’s been feeling like quite the loner at this party surrounded by loud, boisterous people.

Next, it’s Luther and Allison together. Luther doesn’t say much, just stands idle in the conversation as Allison does a bit of interrogation.

“So, where did you say your family was from again?” Allison questions, her dark eyes narrow and suspicious.

“Allison,” Diego states, a hint of warning in his tone, “Enough interrogating.” She puts her hands up in surrender.

Five is the only one to come up to you with his own greeting. “Hello Y/N, I’m glad you could make it.” The boy states, looking up at you with a solemn expression.

Diego leans in to whisper in your ear, “This is my little brother.”

“Oh, hi, thank you.” You smile back, meeting his outstretched hand in a handshake. That’s quite formal for a kid that looks to be about 12. “What’s your name?”

“Five.” He responds, moving on from the topic before you can bore him with your questions about what his parents were thinking when he named him, “I don’t care much for these kinds of parties.”

Diego looks around at the colourful crowds of people dancing, drinking and enjoying their night. Klaus’ friends are quite the characters.

“Me neither.” You relate to him. You haven’t been to a party in ages, they’re not really your thing. “I made an exception though.”

Five gives you a subtle smile, knowing you were talking about his brother. A song begins to play and you feel your hand being pulled by Diego. “Dance with me?” He leans in towards you once again so you can hear him over the pounding music.

A round of cheers can be heard as the song is put up even louder by Klaus, who stands on the table next to the speakers. You look at him as his friends cheer him on, throwing feather boas and pearls as if they’re at Mardi Gras.

Onto your fourth drinks, you and Diego dance with one another in the crowd of happy people. You can’t help but smile brightly when he places his hands on your waist and pulls you closer to him.

One of your hands comes up to gently rest on his cheek and he watches you with wide eyes, his smile slowly fading as he becomes nervous once again.

As if on cue, you both begin leaning towards one another until your lips meet. Eyes closed, you relish the feeling of kissing him. It feels so perfect! There are butterflies in your stomach when you both pull away and giggle at one another like little school children.

Klaus places his hand on Diego’s shoulder, shouting and smiling, “YES!”

You laugh at the drunk boy, who swings his arms around the two of you in an attempt to dance together. Diego shares a look with you, shaking is head in disappointment. It’s like Klaus finds ways to embarrass him.

You just laugh as Klaus lets go, cheering again before returning to a group of friends who are dancing and singing.

You reach out to hold Diego’s hand as the song comes to a finish. But you’re heart keeps beating quickly all the same.

taglist: blathena exquisitex113 scorpionxloveimaginexmeintheuniverse multifandom-ramblings mega-trash-cringe

[estradioltone]

Why’s my stomach hurting? Why am I feeling so lonely when I have so many messages to answer? I CANNOT have another favorite person. Does that mean I’m doomed to high school loneliness?

When I was fifteen lots of people liked me AND I didn’t have a favorite person. Sean? Sam? Danica S? I’m trying to remember. Alex? Stephanie? What show did we do that year? It was Charlie Brown. Mattress, Charlie Brown, Trial by Jury, Sound of Music, and Alice. Shauna? Alex? Danni? Jonathan? Jordan? Danica made those CDs for me. Gabi? Ellery? Irene? Keziah? There were so many people. And none was the favorite. Kaz? Therone? Felicia? Deja? Corri? Jae? Cassie? Leslie? Laureen? Katy? There were so many people around me and I wasn’t the favorite and no one was my favorite. I wasn’t even talking to Amanda at that point. And I did like her. There were a number of people I was attracted to, and, I didn’t make any moves, bc I didn’t get close enough to them in terms of conversations. I needed that first. Like to be comfortable? Lauren? Was she in focus? I can’t remember much if anything about her now, and I was so into her then. Kari?

I used to change with Kari.

Oliver and his male friends used to change in front of each other.

Kari was so great. We were always friends only. I don’t think either of us ever had feelings for the other. She was such an amazing friend. Caitlin? Anna or Sarah? Sarah F? Janell? This is the first time I’ve dug into the memories of those earlier high school years. It literally feels like a backhoe digging into dirt and clearing it away. Archeologist excavating.

I remember sitting in 204 watching some movie in the dark. Mrs. H was teaching. I don’t have memories. Of what we learned. I never learned in English. I never knew what the fuck was going on I just always got A’s. I wrote that paper about having a peanut allergy. It has terrible racist stereotypes. No one called me out. No teacher. I was fifteen. Today I would e known better. Unless I was a republican. Like I was then. I was very conservative. How was I conservative? It didn’t fit with any part of how I acted. Danielle? Remember that film I made that was literally just everyone swearing. Spencer? I remember so many things. Why did I write that.

I don’t want to remember many things.

Why not? That’s so fucking weird. There are many things I don’t want to remember? Where did that thought come from?

I don’t want to remember bc it hurts too much to remember? That thought just came to me.

I wasn’t hurting during that year. I wasn’t depressed. It was like that time with M in sophomore college. Wow. In that moment sophomore looked like high school sophomore to me. It felt like being in Maine. It felt like mid August two summers ago. It’s summer. It’s June. Two summers ago he sucked my sick for the first time and I couldn’t even get hard. I knew what I was doing was wrong and I forced myself to keep going bc I wanted it. That was my fuck up moment. He kissed me that night. It was like Amanda asking to marry me what the fuck to DATE me. How did that happen? It’s in retrospect I wish I’d said no

The hurt is that if I remember I’ll double remember how

The blue waffle thermal

I remember the car and snow pants but not skiing. I remember kissing and my precut glowing like a river. I got wet like a girl. I got hard like a boy. I don’t know what’s normal.

I remember the night she came to see me at the Estonian concert. “Let’s go over here. Lots of girls like me here.” She later told me that freaked her out not freaked out it was like “ullll” what are the words that describe what that means it’s like a little oh no and yikes at the same time. It’s like when O asked me what my main interest in the relationship was and I said sex. And he had the same reaction. And I said, how could I have ever said something like that. It’s callous. And, it was honest. And then I got attached. Before I was having fun. I was happy.

And when I’m happy and having fun I behave like a disgusting jock boy. Maybe that’s who I essentially am. Maybe I’m choosing to be trans so I can become a different person. I do want to become a different person. Even then I thought back like what the fuck was I doing. Like when I touched G and C’s breasts. And I wasn’t allowed to go to cast parties. I didn’t get to do wild things. Would I have?

I was so many different people. I’m also the person at Sam’s house who was afraid to be there.

Remember Caitlins white dreads. Remember when Safi first came to school or Kylie. Remember how cool and superior you felt. Remember how everyone was lesser in your eyes. Sophie. Edna. Kendra. Nikki. That girl molly sitting on my lap and I was hard as fuck. I didn’t think of that in so long. Was that ninth grade? Or eighth?

We were at Burgerville.

I was just doing whatever I wanted.

Is that who I am in a state of nature?

And, I’m the person who stayed in my room instead of going out for a birthday party.

What was Menucha like that year

I didn’t have many years with older friends after that.

Remember Laura. You were twelve and she was seventeen. But you never really talked after the show ended. Would she hug me? Did she hug me in sixth grade? Was I happy at the end of sixth grade???? I think she hugged me by the 201 door. I can remember it now.

I drew that picture of her.

I said “your eyes aren’t quite even.” Wow that must have hurt her and I could see it in her face.

I did whatever I wanted. I thought I was cool I was trying to be cool at all times.

That was my first summer in Eugene. Jessica Zach Ted. Dr. A. Joe. Nicholas. Brahms. Komm Jesu Komm. Standing on the steps in that rehearsal room. My feet sweaty and stinky as fuck. Black like sweat things coming off my toes. My roommate was Nick.

That moment in the hallway taking down my pants. “Should we go all the way?”

Jessica wanted to be closer than I did. I fall back on ppl when I’m lonely but don’t want closeness when I’m not. I use people. I do what O did to me. He didn’t really love me? Or did he?

I’m single now but I’m not having fun but I need to give it more time and I am being more wild. I started to get wild sophomore year. Sarah G. I thought things had changed. But I didn’t want them to change bc I wanted to be unhappy there??????????????

You’re really cool for a freshman. Others wouldn’t do that.

Well I’m basically a senior bc I’ve already been at my school four years.

High school was my college time in a way. It was my amazing time and I was studying and creating big projects. College was my high school time hating things and not self actualizing and not being myself.

Did I do it on purpose???????????? Is that kind of thing possible???????? I know I’ve thought that before. Can I be faking this all? This little voice says yes. What the fuck. I have to be honest about that little voice. I have to bring it up.

She isn’t going to set the agenda. If I want to keep going on the same subject, I have to push onwards into it. What memories are there to open up there? God this is going to take so long and I want to do other things and I know I want to have done this work of digging through elementary school and things.

Honor choir I was the only freshman and I sang alone and they all clapped and cheered for me. I pooped and made the room stink and I was too embarrassed to say. I didn’t have anyone to sit with. I couldn’t sit with people who seemed cool to me. The directors were like gods. The guys were from Montana. I was wearing my first set of boxer briefs. They said I wasn’t like a normal freshman. The performance meant almost nothing. I was sick to my stomach going. I was sick to my stomach going to Eugene. I was sick to my stomach for years before undergrad. J. K. was too. She told me that later on. We read that same book.

I wanted to prove myself. That other guy was shaving and we were all sharing the bathroom. He was shaving. I took my underwear off before getting in the shower. I wanted to show myself I could. I wanted to expose myself.

Why am I so obsessed with the idea of having been molested or raped now and not earlier in my life? How could that be possible? How could I not have remembered it sooner? Or thought of it? Not in undergrad at all. I must be making up that fear. I make up my whole life. All of life is imagined and made up and fake and shit. All of life is imagined period. How am I tired again and yawning. I was always yawning with the computer on my lap. They said the computer heat makes you infertile. Did I lose my chance of having a bigger dick bc I sat a computer on my lap? I loved having a laptop. And, I never looked at porn porn. I was so abnormal. Everyone else did.

Talking with Jacob about penis size. I didn’t think about size mattering. That Hannah who later must’ve fucked Matt P. He came down with shorts so short his dick was hanging out. It was so exciting to me, and horrifying, bc I liked her. I liked so many people. I like so many people simultaneously. I jump around. I can’t find my place. Maybe I don’t have a place. Singing was my place.

I really liked Cole. How much older is he than me? Less older than I am compared to O. I think. He went to India and then he came back and did what. Was he only 24 or 25? We all thought it was fucked up that he dated Eric L and he was a senior and Eric was a freshman. He came out later. I’m so fucked. W moved on to a whole different kind of life where she has adult friends with children and she and F will probably have a kid sooner than later. She already got pregnant once.

J and M (C) are growing up a lot. I see everyone else changing so much. I’m objectively changing with HRT and whatnot. And therapy. And I don’t feel like I’m changing. When change is slow you don’t feel it. Which of these people is really me? My developmental stages are so mixed up. As a kid I fit better with adults. Even my parents say that. Now I really like nineteen year olds and twenty year olds. And, I just saw H and M tonight and there was a big gap between me and H but I was quite into M. I wanted to look at their breasts and forced myself not to. I wonder if both of them noticed and they talked about it later. I wonder how much people notice the things I try to hide. Am I good at it? Am I better than I think? Which me is really me?

I want my breasts to stay small. So I don’t get judged. I’m very worried about being judged. I’m not a women and I don’t like being called a woman. I felt like a man and no longer a boy if that makes sense. But I can be called a girl. I’m getting very agitated thinking that I’m faking being trans. We all change our gender identities bc it’s the thing to do. Conservatives are right. We should be conservatives. The conservative position is easier to defend. They never have to prove themselves. Their beliefs are the old ones. Why should we change. Life is fine. My mom doesn’t want things to change. Or I’m projecting on her. I tho m I’m better than others and I project my bad things onto them so I don’t deal with them. Is that why I feel so free?

How fucked up am I. I wrote that paper about L dying in sophomore year. I’m more introspective and controlled when I’m in a relationship. With A and W and O. Not D. I had to lie about her attractiveness. But I loved her mind. Or I loved her being there for me when I needed someone.

S isn’t comfortable with me. We went to the beach tgt with her brother. I felt she brought her brother so we would t be alone tgt. She probably knows I have feelings for her. And have for over ten years. She’s honestly so pretty. She never replies when I message her on ig. She’s had so much sex and partied so much. Idk if her hair really came back after her eating disorder. She’s a professor. A real one. Not like fake ass me. I live at home. I’m Jim the gentleman caller. I just want to relive my moment of being cool. She wasn’t cool in high school. And, she had a group. And, she’s secure in herself now. Is she? I don’t know her. She doesn’t engage with me probably bc she knows I have feelings for her. If she had feelings for me she wouldn’t react in that way. She would want to talk to me. Or she’s holding me back bc I’m a nightmare pos.

My dads bloody eyeballs. Bloody eyeball in New York.

I had introspection awake at night on my computer. Maybe if I slept more I’d have a bigger dick. They called me pancake. I’m sad that W’s life is complete without me. As I thought earlier me like O so much must make her feel the same way. S watches all my stories but never messages me. She keeps her distance on purpose and has for years. I need to stop reacting to her posts and messaging her ever. She never ever ever reacts to me. I talked to her about O. That was one of our only conversations. In the past year I mean.

I have so much left to say I have to pee I always tried to hold my excretia in.

I used to put stuff in my butt. They took me to the doctor for it I think. And in my ear. Or was that S. I know I fingered myself when I was quite young. I’ve been obsessed with pooping since forever. Obsessed. Butts. Anal phase development. Freud. We both stuck stuff inside ourselves I think. Or was it only him that stick stuff inside his butt. I can’t remember for sure. I thought it was me.

My blue basketball tracksuit. Orange basketball. So excited. Getting up early and getting fully dressed by myself. So excited. Running to my parents. It was so early. They told me to go back to sleep. They were sleeping. I couldn’t sleep. I read something. It was so boring.

Everyone was asleep at the R house. I woke up early and first and I was so bored. I went to play that football video game. My mom got mad at me for playing that game too much. Did she get mad that morning? Tf was I supposed to do????? I was bored. Why did I get disciplined for such stupid shit. That’s a reason I didn’t respect my parents. This shouldn’t be a rule. Same as eating in the living room whole watching tv.

2:30 tomorrow.

Hold on hold onnnnnnnn the bathroom at OLL.

I make up narratives of being emotionally hurt.

So many fucking thoughts!!!!!!!!

Im making up a catholic school molestation story. Or am I.

That bathroom. That bathroom. Urinals without dividers. The tall skinny ones. Just like in the bathroom but 220. 220. Second floor, room 20. Playing football with Dominick and Kyle and one other boy. Kyle is dead now. Kyle C. Kathryn was friends with him. She posted about him. Angie. Leah senior year.

Your profile picture is you with another girl.

I changed it.

How excellent. Walking with Jessica on 4th of July. Dr. A gave a speech. We stepped forward for How excellent. Why was I involved? I don’t know. I wanted to be. They taught me the song. I sang alto I think. My voice was free. Did anything hurt? I don’t remember it did. I didn’t need Ricola. Or did I. My voice got sore junior year. Not sophomore year. I could sing big. I should’ve always gotten to sing big.

I’m going into a tunnel with my practicing. I need to work on something different.

I’m squeezing my neck like crazy.

The church at OLL.

SW from church really really wants me involved in her prayer organization. I am not a believer. It’s BS. That speaker was so BS.

I need to text W.

The church has blue carpet. “Jesus died on the cross, you can stand for twenty minutes.” My legs hurt so much. I remember lighting candles but that happened in California, not here. When Aunt K got remarried. I found out much later her husband drank himself to death. They got divorced before that happened. He would drink rubbing alcohol. Steven went too fast lighting the candles. I was so mad. Don’t you know what you’re doing. But I had to stay in character. My dad has to go up and relight them. I was humiliated. I danced with Baby Anna. She didn’t recognize me after that. She was so cute. I was 10? She was probably three or four. I was so disappointed when she didn’t know me after that. We swam in our shorts. I got such a bad sunburn. My skin was peeling at the Aunt P ranch. We were reading H P. I’m still scarred from that sunburn. Left shoulder. The soda thing. They had their own automatic soda. That was so cool. Everyone else lived in the real world. Not us. We lived in church world where I wore clothes I hated. And we took family photos I hated.

I’m just born evil nothing happened to me I’ve just always been evil and bad.

I looked in the mirror in the same bathroom mirror the same bathroom mirror where I shaved my unibrow when I was mocked I still do or was I even mocked I was just afraid of being mocked why do I have a unibrow why am I the weird one how can anyone love me when I’m so weird

But it’s not the same mirror bc that ugly cupboard got replaced and the door was so broken and I shared it with S and A. Sharing is such a nightmare. This house is pretty small for three kids and two adults it was at capacity. I wonder if that’s why we fought so much.

I didn’t work on the book today again.

The book.

Not my book.

Not even his book.

The book.

Where’s the ownership dumdum dumbass

But even if it’s not the same mirror it’s the same thought. I looked in the mirror and I believe I even said out loud just now

Crazy that I don’t remember

But if I said it out loud my parents would’ve heard

Why don’t I want my parents to know anything

Did they know when Z said he would kill me if he could or he stole all my friends

I was talking about how Lindsay Lohan was naked in parent trap. She must not have known I said. That excited me so much. Being naked. She was naked. It’s bad but it turns me on so much. It’s not appropriate but I’m so into it.

Even T said my obsession with sex is abnormal. But she agreed with me saying that. Maybe she was just pushing me to do more thinking. Idk if others are telling the truth for sure. My moral compass is off. I always want or need an external standard. This is right. This is wrong. I’m bad. I’m a sinner. If I just be myself I do terrible things. I say I’m just in it for the sex. I say all these girls here like me.

He said what did we used to listen to? Jonsi?

Adele too I said

It’s so fucking weird that we message at all.

It’s weird FOR ME that we message

God I’m so far off topic

Did he really forget what we listened to? Are our moments tgt not seared into his brain like laser and fire? I remember everything. I remember his letter. I remember meeting him by the chapel. I remember sitting on the bench outside the music department and we sat for so long and I was thinking this is weird I should leave but he just kept talking and then it was bc he liked me. I’m sure I still have that first letter in my box of heartbreak which is actually an oversized envelope. I remember seeing him from down the hall and feeling so happy. Am. I really gay? And that happiness was real. And maybe I was his gf and that’s why it didn’t feel gay

If I was abused how come I can have sex without being triggered

After a lifetime of being obsessed with sex how come it doesn’t feel good

I never lose myself in it

It just doesn’t feel that good. Masturbating feels better. Did I not have the right partner

I see little me in a dress

Instead I was in stupid fucking clothes I hated

I wore white socks at St. Luke’s with black pants. My mom told me dont. I didn’t want to listen. Then she was right. She was self satisfied afterwards. “yyyyyyyyyyEP.” Why tf were we even at St. Luke’s. S and A lived behind St. Luke’s. They were so cool. BC was there. I talked about having written an opera. He must’ve been like wtf. I saw him at undergrad at a concert. M said to me who was that guy you were talking to and said he was sexy or something. He was. I wasn’t into him though.

Oh my fucking god I’m so off topic AND I want to get this whole thought out.

S and A were so cool. I can talk to A bc I don’t have sexual interest in him. It was a long time before I knew he was trans. I was trying to put so much stuff together. They were both so fucking cool. S isn’t that cool now to me. And it’s hard for me to talk to her calmly. She had meds. I’m sure she has problems like I have. Maybe that’s why our relationship became weird. Weirdly close but not close and I was always yearning for more like I did with B. But I knew I couldn’t !!!!! That was so fucked up. My legs twitched. I wanted to be her.

Hating boy dress clothes. I always have.

Wanting to be an older woman.

But I’m totally cis.

What am I

I looked in the mirror now like I always did in high school and said I think out loud WHO ARE YOU in an emphatic tone of voice. My face and voice were serious. My eyes were wide. My mouth was set. WHO ARE YOU didn’t mean what’s wrong with you in this case.

Katy is commenting to me again it’s the most interaction we’ve had in years why am I not giving more energy back why am I being aloof maybe bc she out distance there and I’m trying to keep myself safe or I’m hurt or I’m just consumed with other things or I just don’t feel close to her. Her not talking to me hurt a lot. Stop distracting from topic!!!!!!!!!!! T hurt a lot. Then T sent that heart emoji to my post today after “stay well”

Alright

Idk what that means and W sees it so simply and straightforward and I just don’t.

That’s not who she was

I’m obsessed with WAS

WHO ARE YOU meant which of these many different versions of yourself that you experience and present is the real one? How can there be so many?????

I did outpatient at the hospital near sams house and Sam dated Irene and Irene announced her engagement today and both of Irenes parents are dead and we haven’t spoken in decades but were still connected online.

I wish I was walking in snow like when I was hurting over D and I walked so far and my mom called me like what the fuck you’re going to get attacked and I said I used to walk the streets of New York much later than this

Sam dated K and he was never the same after that. I was there with Gabi and Kari and we made deep fried lovin and it was amazing and we loved it and Sam and I could never recapture that although we tried a few times. He always said “what do you want to do” and I didn’t know and neither of us had an idea. I went to so many weird ass coffee meets and hangouts in those first few years after high school. A had a pool party or something. When was the slip n slide party. We had all those AGT parties and tried to recreate or simply create the social life and friends over we should’ve had in high school and I believe my mom was extremely happy bc that’s what she had always wanted, to be the party house, like all the kids coming to play at her house when she was a kid. But how could anyone like coming here with the way she acted. We actually were a party house in elementary school. There’s that day when we all played in the rain and I was wearing red sweatpants. There’s the picture where I wanted the attention and I stood in front of the whole group sideways catching snowflakes on my tongue. We played smear the queer in the frosty grass. The athletic boys were the coolest. K’s older brother Dylan was called superstar on the soccer field. We played so many games at OLL. Do you remember tether ball. Words look weird rn what are letters even. Wall ball and black magic and double black magic and triple black magic and quadruple black magic and four square and kickball and soccer and basketball god we were so competitive it was amazing and so fun

Kickball on the asphalt we always had scraped knees who approved that who let us play like that. Brandon fell and left his teeth in the asphalt or at least that was my image of it. Zero the Hero. One hundreds day. Turbo math. Writing books. Everyone else knew things I didn’t. Star Wars. Everyone knew things I didn’t.

We couldn’t be the party house in middle school. She wasn’t safe. I wanted to die. I deserved to die bc I was so disobedient.

Who was I? The no friends middle school. Won’t let myself poop disgusting fart everyone smelled it too scared to pee off the stairs I had to get approval to go to the outhouse too scared to spray the wasp nest taking down the pole and failing and smashing my hand and it had that big scab and I washed it with hand sanitizer bf that was all I had and maybe that’s what caused my blood clot but it happened so many weeks later how did it happen so much later. I was so into J in college junior year and then she told me the story about fucking that other guy when they were drunk. She even Skyped me. She loved that one guy and then he picked someone else and it ruined everything and I was always starving and eating my cereal too fast but I didn’t want to spend money buying more I only went to Cub like once we rode the bus and took so many pictures and I looked so happy in that moment. And R was there. Before he assaulted me. I didn’t want to touch his dick the memory of touching his dick is literally making me shake rn I need to stop it was so hard and small he was everywhere on campus he did whatever he wanted he was loud everyone loved him stop thinking about him!!!!!!!!!!!

My neck and arms are so tense rn what is wrong with me why did I have so many social problems putting my backpack in those cubbies when we went to eat I was so scared it would be stolen I took it with me I was the only one it was so stupid I was such an envarrassing person I’ve been so controlled in my life by embarrassment only the Asian kids ran they didn’t care what anyone thought of them we laughed at them that was so typical mocking any difference. I read the books of school history trying to understand the values and I finally did I didn’t fit in!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I have R and E and C.

The protests are dying down. We’re at the limit of change. It’ll take another death to rile this back up. That’s disgusting but I think it’s true. Things were done in Portland at about 9:30.

I feel sick. I feel legitimately sick.

I feel so sick and my ears are ringing great!!!!!!!!!!! And I saw T and her boyfriend and thought about how I want sex and I’m not fuckable. Which maybe I am. Maybe that’s my essential self. Unfuckable and insecure and anxious and scared of being different and scared of being judged and bc of this always already different and trying to be different so I stand out as a star but not wanting to stand out at the same time. Do I even like singing or like music or do I just want to be famous. I have been so confident that I would be famous. I’m so confident in my ideas. I’m so smart. No one can be more right than me. My co fife to self is despicable.

Maybe I loved being fifteen and being with M and being at A M F and two summers ago with O bc I wasn’t this disgusting insecure person but everyone liked me. I’ve been thinking that that person is my essential self. But maybe the whole thing is that thats NOT ME AT ALL. I’m not meant to be a star or be anyone I’m meant to be a worm and disappear and be nowhere and that’s why I do t have groups and that’s why no one liked me at undergrad and at the same time didn’t I keep myself out of groups on purpose so I would keep honoring high school? Like we keep honoring Leah. Just like I keep holding onto the pain of O to honor the relationship that we had and prove my real love for him. He’s moved on more than I could ever imagine moving on except that’s not true in the sense that I don’t know anything but I must be ABSOLUTELY clear with myself when I say that the reason it’s not true is because whatever I say is an assumption and I’m working on not making assumptions about other people at this point in my life bc I need to act on what people say bc I’m not at all a mind reader. And, I hope that he is thinking of me. But I’m playing with myself. He’s fine if he was here then he would be here. He might be in another state he might be in a whole other relationship.

Don’t fake yourself out. He’s not coming back.

He’s not coming back.

He’s not coming back.

He’s not coming back.

He’s not coming back.

He’s not coming back.

He’s moved on.

He’s moved on.

He’s moved on.

He had at least one other relationship.

He might not be single now.

He’s moved on.

He’s not coming back.

I need to finish this. I avoid the real point. Why does my brain do that. And I want to write down every thought. Why so many digressions

Okay then

I’m typing with my eyes closed sometimes which is something I used to do in high school while I was typing late into the night exactly like I am right now. S always lay facedown on his bed which I thought was fucking weird bc I only lay facedown to masturbate.

He did that in the day time

I kissed so many objects after reading the Star Wars novelization

We played Nanosaur at catholic school and public school.

The computers were in the portable

I never got to play as much as I wanted to

The computers were in the library and I played type to learn. I was watching Star Trek tng with my dad on a summer night and it enthralled me I couldn’t tell when special effects were bad at that age. We had to leave I had indoor soccer with Kirill’s dad and he was a star in the Soviet Union he said but who knows and I went to his house one time to play video games and it was a small apartment and I was so surprised. The preps took him in instantly but why not me WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME WHY IS MY GRIUP THE PPL WHO ARE WEIRD SS FUCK

We funked in the halls people laughed at how I didn’t know how to move myself or in anyway be in my body and I couldn’t let go why couldn’t I let go people who let go looked so cool Sam was our mascot at that high school duhduhduh day I didn’t know what tf I was doing there why was I in ASB it just seemed like the thing to do we tied I was relieved when I lost I missed the midnight going into the secret places in the school thing fuck my life I missed so many things I wanted

GOD DAMN JT

There were younger boys who went to pee in our one and only bathroom and they took their pants all the way down to their ankles and the older boys came in and made fun of them while they were still right there and I heard it and made sure not to be like the kindergarten boys so I wouldn’t be made fun of. I think I peed like that before that day. It didn’t matter??? Smooth white butts. There was one brown person in the class named Tharik. Maybe not but we were so white.

Is there anything else to remember about that moment?

Sinks where you pushed the bar at the feet to turn on the water

I’ve been to so many airport sinks and the urinals have no dividers

I always prayed no one else would be in the bathroom why was I so scared to pee beside someone I would be seen why didn’t I want to be seen? Other times I was dying to be seen. How did my desires change so much

Why was I obsessed with sex. I had fantasies of Hoth of magic school bus I was naked in so many. I didn’t want the doctor to examine my penis. I said can my mom do it instead and tell you. No he said but she can sit in the room. Okay he said. I was so scared. Why was I so scared. Why didn’t I handle it normally. Why I’m gods name would I want my mom to see my dick. What the fuck was wrong with me.

Is there ever a time I look back on myself and think wow that was a good decision I’m proud of that. No! I have happy moments like being the only freshman in honor choir or playing the zither or whatever it’s called with A

Am I more evolved than I was then

I choose not to act or do anything bc at least that way I can’t make any mistakes and not acting is also a mistake I can’t bear to do what I did in the past and then somehow I do it before I realize I’m doing it

Why was I obsessed with sex

I read about luke and Leia kissing in that movelization and I kissed so many things around the house trying to capture the description from the boom of how her lips felt. There were choose your own adventure books and i always imagined myself in them and unmade so many self insert fantasies where all the characters were still there. the boys were my friends and the girls were my lovers. I think OLL was where I read junior Jedi knights. We used to go to the library so much the old one and I read through so much Star Wars and Star Trek science fiction. I was never attracted to the boys. I never judged the stories I just enjoyed the imagination. And I read Ancient Greek mhths. I’m a fucking nerd and nothing nobody who got thrust into the center stage and suddenly I had some popularity and then I had that personality push and pull. Always being criticized. A criticized me and W criticized me after my recital like right after and A took down the program in Eugene and Ö tore me apart so many times including after the MC. Anneke was so fucking attractive.

God

I never should have had attention. I liked so much stupid nerd stuff. But I was cool in elementary school. I feel like wherever I am I try to make the stuff I like cool and bring people to me. I can’t fit into them. Music is a great way to do that bc everyone loves music.

I have always had false ideas of who I am but when I’m depressed I can be realistic. That’s why it’s good for me to be depressed. I’m a sinner and no good and deserve it. I deserve to feel bad. It’s penance. I deserve it.

That’s not what I should feel and that’s not what my brain feels but I write down stuff like that bc that’s what my heart is saying. Those could even be in quotes. That’s being said by a different me inside me if that makes any sense.

I’m so privileged. What do people think when they see me. Do I not have more followers and more story views bc I’m a fucking loser and that’s what people see? But I liked myself. I liked what I saw. I liked it. But it wasn’t or isn’t good enough for other people. My opinions grate. My opinions drive people away. Why do I always have such strong opinions.

I never do anything part way

I started masurbating so early. How did I find it

Don’t message back fast. They’re very inconsistent. You’re hoping for much more than they will ever give. You give what you look to receive. You don’t give what people deserve. You don’t give based on the real quality of your relationship but by what you want it to be or you give without regard for yourself and only regard for pleasing the other. A. W. O. D.

No boundaries. Too many boundaries. Inappropriate feelings. I do so much to avoid inappropriate feelings.

What’s inappropriate

Wrong

You should have sexual feelings for that person

You shouldn’t like people that much older or that much younger. I never knew him when he wasn’t an adult I stg

I can’t remember any sexual feelings at all in third grade. I remember so many times when I thought wby dont I like anyone. I remember like forcing myself to like K in fifth grade. I end up dating or whatever people I’m not attracted to. I see someone in them that isn’t the real them and then I expect them to act like that person

I guess I tried to change O. I’m the bad one

Idk if that’s true that I tried to change him.

But I definitely might say x is a good decision in my opinion. Stuff like that.

Am I asexual? The question doesn’t stop coming back to me.

Can I remember anything. I don’t fucking know.

I played with my penis from a time when I was very young.

W feels natural for me but wrong. That’s not who I am.

K doesn’t feel natural these days most of the time and idk why. Is she just a costume :( I don’t want her to be but maybe she is. I have to face all my inner voices. Avoiding them has hurt me a lot.

I don’t see people for who they are. For who they are inside I see them. Nope. That’s my projection. Who I think they could be which is another way of saying who I want them to be. Stupid stupid stupid.

Zuko

Rubbing my dick on my bed felt good. Rubbing it on blankets felt better. Pulling down my pants and then pulling down my underwear. Better and better and better. I didn’t think to masturbate with my hand for years. I went through so much shampoo. I came in so many showers. Once I was scared I would get my sister pregnant bc I came in the tub. I came in my grandparents’ bathrooms. Both of them. My dads dad doesn’t hardly seem like part of the family.

Why don’t i remember more?

Because there’s nothing else to remember.

Each experience is a different me. How will I ever know who the me me is. So many different selves. So many masks. A different person around every single person. Only O and D knew the full me. Not A or W. They were my sex friends and we were in a relationship. Sex was what I wanted. I turned into their emotional support doll. They didn’t support me. I don’t tell W things. She isn’t on my sinsta. I haven’t told her about it. She would be hurt that I didn’t. And that I wouldn’t add her. Don’t give people things they can’t handle. She doesn’t use my girl name. I wonder if O knows I changed my name online. It doesn’t matter. He’s not part of it.

She doesn’t understand a lot. A doesn’t understand a lot. There are these lines right. They’re not like me. But we have sex. Sex is so important to me bc they’re sex friends. But then I get sucked in emotionally. Same with O. We were sex friends that got emotional.

I never had sex that satisfied me.

There’s a gap of why sex why me. Etc. Why secret. I’ve always been a secret whore like lots of white girls.

I’m obsessed with symmetry too. I’m not normal. I hate seeing S’s name in my text suggestions or whatever they’re called. predictive text.

I’ve always been obsessed with symmetry. Idk where that came from. I can’t stand asymmetry in my body which ofc we all have bc nothing is perfect in nature in a mathematical sense.

Left right right left

Up left down right down left up right

I do that pattern constantly. Teeth tongue mouth eyes feet

I’ve done that since forever. Why

Idk

Nothing comes from nothing but that doesn’t mean it came from severe sexual trauma either

I’m trying to find trauma just find sexual thoughts in the past instead

Like my dad giving me that one shirt sex talk and how uncomfortable it was and how I thought about balls or how sex was always trash and we had to go to bed when our parents were watching a movie did they ever make out there was no physicality in their relationship ever. She has her couch my dad has his chair

I don’t want to be physical with them I do with everyone else maybe I’m the abuser maybe I was born that way I kissed everyone they didn’t want it maybe Mrs. H was right to punish me that way. I feel like my sexual interest started before kindergarten

Masturbatimg has always been fantasy time. Sometimes memory time. Sometimes creating fantasy memories. Sometimes living out things I read. Erotica really is the superior porn

I masturbated like crazy, and, I didn’t know any sexual terms. Bisexual is when the woman is older than the man LMAO

I think already in first grade or so I didn’t tell my parents about school. I didn’t want to. Everyone knew who we were. Big ass silver van. We always were the last to leave anything. Always talking like crazy. Public was our only freedom even though it was our fake selves. I kicked the rock into Mrs. G’s ankle. My mom shouted at me. We were just playing. AND I know that I knew I was being risky. We ran laps around the school. It was always hard for me. Running. I always hated it. I couldn’t push myself. That Mikaela or Michaela or however she spelled her name was ahead of me on the sidewalk. She was faster than me. We ran laps under the covered area. That was where we were allowed to play during rain time. I told Jesse she was dat and she said that’s a black mark on my soul and a sin. H E L L H E double L H E double hockey sticks

I peed my pants and somehow Mrs. H knew

[sassyshish]

Flames

Part One

Or the one where she runs into her ex-boyfriend and the feelings rush back strong.

Meet Me in the Hallway

“Why did you do it?” Tears dried up on her face, she allowed the rage and disappointment consume her so much it left her with nothing more than a pounding headache that beat behind her eyes.

When he saw her sat at the foot of the bed holding his old phone in her hands, he understood what happened.

“Baby…” Harry started, interrupted by her hand shaking and stopping any of his excuses.

“Don’t… don’t you dare say you can explain. There is nothing to explain here.” She whispered, still not meeting his intense look, tone croaky and empty of any emotion.

“Please…” A desperate word, the only thing his mind could conjure to get to her, to stop her for what he knew was about to happen.

“I asked you if anything happened and you said no. You looked me right in the eyes and said nothing fucking happened!” her voice gaining force and turning angry towards the end, eyes snapping to him.

Her stare was on fire, he never thought he would be the one to provoke such emotion. He couldn’t even describe her face at that moment.

“I’m so sorry… I love you.” He tried to placate her rage.

“Go fuck yourself!” She spat and threw his phone on the ground, making him jump from the loud sound. “This is not about love, Harry. This is about respect, and you had none for me…” A lonely tear streaming down her cheek and falling on her fist.

Her chest felt heavy, breathing was too difficult, temples pulsating and a veil of tears forming in her eyes and blurring her vision for a second before she fervently blinked them away. She kept her hands closed tight because she didn’t want him to notice how they were shaking.

Harry had recently changed phone, leaving his old one in the first drawer of his bedside table. She was cleaning up that day when she found it, innocently switching it on to send a few pics he had of them, but when she opened his texts, she observed that right under her name was his friend’s Jeff, but it wasn’t his name to excite curiosity in her as much as Harry’s last text to him, reading "I fucked up this time."

A chill running down her spine as to warn her to not open it, to mind her business and not read the content. She had never touched Harry's phone, always respecting his privacy and trusting him enough to not snoop into his things.

He had described everything to his friend, telling him that the evening he went out with some friends he let Alice crash at his place, he told him how they were shit-faced. She had sneaked into his bed and how she tried to kiss him and was all over him. They didn’t live together, even though she stayed the night almost every time, but she was at her parent’s house that evening because her mom didn’t feel great.

At that moment, she felt like dying, the phone dropping to the mattress and tears flowing out powerfully, not believing what her eyes had read.

Harry had that habit, he didn’t talk much, if something was bothering him, he would shut everyone out, closing up in himself and would sometimes grab his journal and put down in words his frustrations, but never to her.

At first, she paid no mind to that trait of him, respecting his introverted nature, but on the long stretch it started to be a problem, added to the fact he wasn’t confrontational at all, and he avoided arguments like the plague.

So, she found herself with him being silent for days, she had to force him to talk when he wasn't fine, pulling out every word from him, and once again he didn't tell her something important to her, and she felt betrayed. She had the right to be informed if a woman slept in their bed or if she had tried anything with her boyfriend, it wasn't so complicated to understand.

Her swollen eyes fixated on his figure, searching his face and getting the impression that she didn’t know him at all, he felt like a total stranger.

"I… I…" he attempted to murmur, but his voice dropped, feeling like someone was choking him, his throat so closed up, he found difficult even to breathe.

“What, Harry? You what?” she was tired, tired of crying, tired of watching him stand there as a fool.

“I… uuhm… I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to upset you… I didn’t cheat on you, I swear. I left the room right after, I slept on the couch.” he hesitatingly mumbled, already knowing she wouldn’t be satisfied with only that pathetic effort.

“Harry that’s not the point, I know you haven’t slept with her. But still... you didn’t tell me what happened, and it’s crushing me.” She wasn’t even angry anymore, just overwhelmingly disappointed. She felt embittered that he let her down and once again he shut her out and didn’t trust her enough.

"… And you know what's funny? If you told me about all this, I would've tried to understand. I mean, I wouldn't have been thrilled about it, we would've argued for sure… but me finding out this way? It makes me think you wanted that to happen. You keep stuff to you, I always have to find things out and it fucking hurts, don’t you get it? I have to fight with you to know your thoughts, every little thing seems a struggle these days. I can’t keep going on with someone that after all this time still doesn’t let me in, it should be easier than this."

Her voice held a strange tone, her stare had lost that special sparkle it held when her eyes would lie on him. Harry was about to feel sick, he felt frozen in place, a voice screaming in his head telling him to do something, to plead with her, to move to go to her, to hug her, but he couldn’t do any of those things.

“I don’t deserve it.” She said with resolution painted over her features.

“You don’t.” He slowly murmured.

Silence filling the room while they both took in what had happened.

After months he still felt guilty to no limit for the way it all went, but he didn’t have the balls to reach out for her, nor he had the right to. He knew her perfectly when she took a decision there wasn't a second thought.

He didn’t expect the phone to ring, and it never did.

They had friends in common, so he checked on her, Harry always knew what she was on about, content to know she was fine. He was still in love with her, and he was sure that it wouldn't go away anytime sooner, so he lived with it, watching her from afar, joyful when she succeeded and sad when she failed.

She refused to even think about him, let alone talk. In the following weeks after their breakup, she focused on her studies, filling her days to the brink, so when she would go to bed she would be so wrecked that sleep would take her.

But sometimes her mind played tricks on her, recreating memories in her dreams, making her burn in the longing, and it would be so vivid, she could touch him, could hear his slow deep voice, but eventually he would disappear, and she would wake up with the hole in her chest opening like an abyss.

She missed him terribly but refused to get in touch with him, even though sometimes late at night she would grab her phone and open his text field and look at his name for the longest time,  repeatedly reading his last text: "I'll be home in 20. Love Ya"

At some point, she got tired of torturing herself and deleted everything, leaving on the phone one picture, one of her first birthday spent together when he went to her house with flowers just to take her back to his place where he had planned a whole romantic dinner. That night he had a high fever and felt sick, but he still tried his best to make her have a beautiful birthday, even if they ended up in bed with her taking care of him and Harry protesting he felt fine, insisting on going out to celebrate. That night she realized she was in love with him, and she held the memory very dear.

Time passed, and their lives took different turns, both moving on and learning how to live without the other. But the tenderness awoken by the memories was still there, her heart still skipped a beat when she would hear his name, and Harry would still ask of her now and then, to make sure she was okay, to be assured she was happy and well.

“Hey.” A slow deep voice behind her back. It was only a tiny word, but she could recognize that voice even in a thousand years. She knew the tone, she knew it from time ago, she heard it on the radio all the time.

“Harry.” She whispered turning around, a genuine smile brightening her whole face when she met his sparkling eyes. He opened his arms without thinking, and she slipped in the hug naturally, keeping him close and breathing him in.

“Oh my God, it’s been so long…” he murmured in her ear before letting her go, his hands trapping hers and warmly holding them.

“Yeah… We don’t see each other since, what? Two years, I think.” She let her stare roam his face, capturing all the small changes, acknowledging his short hair, the light stubble on his chin.

God, there was a man standing right in front of her, not the handsome boy she used to know.

When Harry entered the bar, his eyes went immediately to the beauty at the counter, his stare fixating on her perfect ass that was wrapped up in a lovely, lovely short skirt. But he looked better, feeling something familiar in the way the girl sat in the tall chair, in the way she pushed her hair back, and when he recognized her his heart stopped for a little, a joy he hasn’t felt in a long time pervaded his body, and without thinking it twice he went right her way.

She looked amazing, more beautiful than he remembered, and he couldn’t help his hands from holding her tight when he engulfed her in his embrace, he couldn’t help his face immersing in her hair and take in her new perfume. She looked so different yet so familiar, from her head to her toes she had changed so much, and she had gained a certain confidence in her that was definitely endearing.

After two years one could think he would be way over her, but he wasn't and realized that the moment he laid eyes on her again.

"Yeah, something like that. But, how are you doing?… Oh! Don’t answer, it’s obvious you’re doing amazing, let’s cut the small talk. Let me buy you a drink, yeah?" He excitedly said, smile big on his face and hands tingling with the need to touch her again.

“You came a second too late, but we can sit and catch up!” she told him, raising the glass the barman had sat in front of her a second prior. She was trying to act normal, be cool about the sudden reunion, but on the inside, her heart was beating as fast as a butterfly’s wings and her stomach was doing backflips. It was pointless to say she didn’t expect to encounter the boy ever again in her life after their breakup.

Somehow, they never met through their common friends and let’s be honest, the kid was a star, what were the chances to cross ways with him in a bar? It looked almost like a fiction.

“Wait, aren’t you here with someone? I don’t want to steal you away.” She told him right after sitting down at a small table in the back of the place.

"Yeah, came to meet up with some friends, they won't mind, too busy playing pool over there." He nodded his head towards a group of guys standing around the table, very concentrated on their game.

“What about you?” he asked turning his complete attention to her, arms crossed on the roundtable.

She sat right next to him on the couch, with her back leaned on the arm, her outer leg bending and going under her ass. Harry smiled when he watched her doing it, remembering she could never sit properly. The atmosphere between them was intimate and relaxed, they both were content and happy to be with each other.

“Nah, I’m alone, and before you give me the ‘oh my god sad, lonely girl in a bar’ look, let me tell you I work nearby and just got off, so I decided to have a drink.” she laughed and explained to him.

“Oh yeah, and you were all alone at the counter with your drink and I show up! Looks like the start of a romantic comedy.” He smirked while his voice went down to a warmer tone. He didn’t mean to flirt so openly with her, but it came out naturally, and he bit his tongue when he noticed how she tensed up a little after, so he quickly recovered asking her about her job and having a nice catch-up.

“I got your album, H. It’s brilliant.” She complimented him, hand going to his forearm squeezing warmly.

When she first listened to the album, she cried like a baby the whole time, both from pride and hurt. His words cut deep in her, and somehow, she knew part of those lyrics was an open letter to her, as to apologize for everything that went down.

When she got hands on the cd, she left it to sit on her bedside table for two days straight, not having the courage to put it on, but when she did, she could only go through “Meet me in the hallway”, bawling immediately. She knew it in her bones it was about them, every single word hit her like a brick right in the middle of her chest, feeling the same pain she did when she left his house that day, making it seem as if it happened only a few moments before.

After the first song she forced herself to listen to the whole thing, and after that, she had to listen to it again and again. That day she laughed with the cheeky songs, she danced, and she cried, exorcizing once and for all the emptiness his absence had left. She felt exhausted, but lighter, finally ready to close that chapter of her life for good.

And then a few weeks after that, she met him in a bar. The irony.

“Did you get it or you’re saying it only to be polite?” He said with a cheeky tone, wiggling his eyebrows.

“I did, I promise! Don’t make me list the names of the songs now! You know how competitive I get…” She said giggling between words, not believing herself that night and as the drink went down, she could feel herself becoming flirtier.

She hasn’t felt that vibrant in so long, it felt good to be in his company, to see him smile at her, his dreamy green eyes looking at her with that sparkle of amusement she knew so well.

“Oh! I know that for sure, I still remember that kick you gave me that night at Jordan’s when we were playing Twister…” he accused making her almost spit back in the glass the drink she was chugging.

“Liar! You fell on your own, you’re just a sour loser!” she said agitated as she strongly sat her glass on the surface of the table.

“It is a well-known fact that you play dirty.” He kept teasing her only to get her even more flustered than she already was.

The words that left her mouth after that could only be blamed on that second Mojito she was downing because if she had been sober she would've never let herself be that bold.

“Oh, and whom better than you know…” she said giving him that smile she gave only when she had certain thoughts.

He froze in place with his glass midway to his lips, his eyes unhurriedly moving to her while his heart skipped a beat. He was at loss of words and didn’t expect that in the slightest, his mouth opening and closing like a goldfish.

"I’m sorry… I shouldn't have said that, I'm a bit drunk I guess, maybe it's time to go." she tried to awkwardly apologize, not looking towards his direction.

"No, no, no… please don’t go. It was nothing, just a joke, c’mon." he said with an urgency, not wanting their evening to end so soon. There were so many things he wanted to tell her, so many questions he still wanted to ask, he wanted to learn everything she did in those two years he was out of her life. She looked at him seeing his pleading expression and caught the desperation that briefly crossed his eyes.

��I know I might seem fine, but, Harry, this is getting painfully uncomfortable… I wasn’t expecting to see you ever again.” She hesitantly said, her fingers fiddling with the hem of her skirt.

“I know, same here. Now we said it, can we enjoy the rest of the evening? Please?” Harry grabbed her hand without thinking and kneaded his thumb on her palm in a soothing way, that simple gesture calming her instantly.

She looked at their hands and absentmindedly traced his cross tattoo with the pointer finger of her free hand. They stayed like that for a little, enjoying the silence and letting themselves have that brief moment.

“I’ve been missing you.” Harry drawled, not finding the courage to stare into her eyes. Her heart missed a beat more for the fragility of that sentence than for the words itself.

“Me too…” She whispered searching his eyes and finally meeting those breathtaking green gems while he hinted a shy smile.

“Listen, I have something to say… actually, I wanted to say this for a long time, but, you know, with the way we left things I didn’t have the balls to text you.”

“Harry there’s no reason for this now…” She interrupted him feeling uncomfortable again, taking her hand away from his. If he wanted to go there, she couldn’t have him touching her.

“No, there is. I need to apologize to you. I wasn’t the boyfriend you deserved, I didn’t talk to you, I didn’t share my thoughts and a whole list of other things I didn’t do. But please, I want you to know I never cheated on you, never even thought about it for a second. I had eyes only for you and no one else.”

Her eyes stung while he talked, surprised to no end by his little speech. Harry has never been that honest with her, and she was astonished that he said those things while directly looking at her, no mumbles or never-ending silences in between words.

“I… I know you never cheated on me, it wasn’t about that Harry.” She tried to keep her composure while blinking her eyes to clear them from tears.

“I know but I needed to clear that out in case you ever had a doubt about it.” He talked softly as to not get her more nervous than she already was.

“I could've done more too, I could've stayed and fight stronger. But I choose what I thought was the easiest way. I thought we weren’t compatible.” She sniffled a little, clearing under the corner of her eye.

“Don’t cry, baby, your makeup will run.” He joked and lovingly caressed her smooth cheek.

“I couldn’t care less…” she scoffed while looking down at her fingers playing with the empty glass on the table, and her eye fell on the watch on her wrist.

“Oh my God, it is really late though, I have to wake up early tomorrow. I really need to go Harry!” she said with concern, she didn’t want to say goodbye yet, but she had to go.

“Okay, let me walk you outside,” Harry said with a smirk, he didn’t seem bothered at all.

They were standing side by side waiting for her taxi to arrive, and as the driver parked on the side, she turned to him to say goodbye.

“I want to take you out.” He talked before she could pronounce a word, resolution painted all over his features.

“You… what? Out like a date?” She was shocked to say at least.

“Call it how you want. I want to have dinner and spend more time with you. Don’t over-think it, baby.” He took her face in his hands and looked directly into her eyes. He needed to stop calling her baby because it was making her knees weak.

“Okay, tomorrow night is good?” Harry asked after a little when she didn’t speak.

She could merely nod, her tongue losing the capacity of forming words.

“I’ll pick you up at 8.00, text me the place.” He whispered to her while his eyes moved to her lips, knowing it was wrong to even think about it, but couldn’t stop it from happening, so he leaned down to place a soft, chaste kiss on her beautiful lips.

Harry sensed her take a harsh breath in and tense up, but he didn’t let her time to think of a reaction and he fastly pulled away from her, leaving her dumbfounded and confused.

“Your taxi is waiting. Goodnight, baby girl.” He nicely reminded.

“Oh, yeah, sure… Goodnight, Harry.” She blinked and came to her senses, turning rapidly around and getting in the backseat, not even throwing a glance at him.

While the car rolled away from the bar, she couldn’t help her fingers going to her mouth where his had been a brief moment before, a timid smile gracing her lips.

He watched the cab go away, standing on the sidewalk till it turned to the left and disappeared. His emotions revolved around giddiness and excitement, a bright smile plastered on his face while he put his hands in his pockets and unhurriedly went back in the pub to enjoy the rest of his night out.

Part Two - Embers 

Masterlist - Tell me what you thought

[lokisgame]

Spill Drinks And Be Merry

A result of brainstorm with @mulders-boyish-enthousiasm 

Pure fluff set after One Breath. I hope this will be as fun to read as it was fun to write. 

“Mulder, it’s me” the answering machine spoke in Scully’s voice and he was on high alert instantly. “Melissa is leaving town tomorrow and she was wondering” a hiss followed by a whisper made him smile slightly, was that a giggle?

“We” Scully corrected herself “were wondering if you’d join us for drinks tonight. Nothing fancy, it’s just that we didn’t have a chance to celebrate properly and”

The answering machine cut her off and seeing there was no more new messages, he called her right back.

“Scully?” There it was, that giggle again, must be Melissa, Scully never giggled.

“Oh, hi, I was just about to call you” she sounded flustered and it was adorable.

“I got your message, count me in, just tell me when and where.”

“7pm, the place where we met about the Budahas case?”

“Sure, great, I’ll see you then”

“Okay” he thought she’d hang up, but she surprised him with more questions “what were you working on last night?”

“Nothing” he said pointedly “you’re still on sick-leave, get well first, then we’ll talk shop”

“Fine, whatever” her dismissive tone made them both laugh “I’ll see you tonight”

“I’ll be there” Mulder assured her and they hung up as usual, without saying goodbye.

A Saturday wasn’t exactly a business day at the Hoover Building, so he could get away with casual clothes, sports jacket and jeans, with simple tie and a button down shirt.

Still, there was no rest for the wicked and crime labs worked as usual. He wanted to talk about tests he ordered the night before but with Scully still on leave he had to do it with the lab staff personally. Mulder knew how impatient she was to prove herself ready to get back in the saddle but his goal was to keep her away from work as long as possible. He wanted her back, sooner rather than later, but not as much as he wanted her back to full health.

Around lunch Mulder parked the car in his usual spot on the lowest level of the FBI headquarters parking lot and headed for the crime labs. Before he knew it, the sun went down.

“What time is it?”

A young agent in pristine white lab coat who walked him through the analysis if a fibre sample now resting under a microscope replied “Almost 7pm”

“Shit, why didn’t you tell me, don’t you have some place to be?” Mulder panicked and turned into a White Rabbit from Alice, running around lab, gathering notes like mad.

“No, not really” the kid watched him a little curious.

“Geez, man, you should get a life or something” Mulder smiled and shrugged into his jacket.

“Like you have one” the younger man challenged, wondering if the secretarial pool’s daydreams about Spooky Mulder were true.

“Tonight I do” one foot out the door he instructed “send your conclusions to my office, I’ll get back to you on Monday”

“Sure, whatever you say Agent Mulder”

“And Pendrell, I mean it, life’s too short to spend Saturday nights locked up in here”

The door banged shut, glass ringing on edge of breaking, and Pendrell sighed heavily “Like you’d know what it’s like to be lonely”

Mulder managed to get to the pub within the boundaries of fashionably late and, looking over the crowd, spotted two redheads picking their martinis of the waitresses’s tray and made his way to their table.

“Good evening” he raised his voice over the noise of the crowd, hand automatically finding it’s place on the small of Scully’s back. Her attention caught but not startled, she looked up and lit up from the inside.

Something in Dana’s eyes changed when they shared each other’s space. They looked so comfortable around each other that Melissa thought they would kiss hello then and there, but they didn’t. Mulder took the third bar stool and called back the waitress before she ran away, ordering whiskey and a beer.

“So we’re celebrating what? Exactly” Scully asked her sister who was essentially responsible for this meeting.

“Your miraculous awakening, family and friendship” she said saluting both of them cheerfully and making Mulder shrug as if it was as good a reason as any. Scully smiled a wicked smile leaping at the chance to take some of the focus of herself

“In that case, we should drink to your birthday as well!” She declared, looking at Mulder

“My birthday was a month ago” he protested, trying not to think about how he got drunk on Jack Daniels and guilt and had to call in sick the next day.

“I know, but I missed it and from now on I don’t wanna miss a thing” she explained and raised her glass, daring him to stop her. The girl came back with his drink.

“Who am I to say no to that” Mulder raised his hand with theirs.

“To new beginnings” Melissa announced and the glasses clinked.

“Now, just so we’re clear” Missy looked between Mulder and Scully “what is it that the two of you do, exactly?”

An hour later, she was as clueless as ever, but felt more entertained than she could ever remember. Mulder was half way through a story about a couple of kids they met at an air force base hunting UFO’s and running from black helicopters.

“It was an experimental plane Mulder” Scully argued.

“You were there Scully, you saw the lights, no plane could move like that” he laughed and emptied his beer, glancing at it surprised “another round?”

“Sure” Missy smiled watching them bicker.

“I don’t know what I saw” Scully tried to defend herself, but he only half listened because he was looking at the waitress who, as Missy noticed, had an eye on him the whole evening. A fact that to her amusement, escaped him completely. He signaled for another round of the same and turned back to them and his story.

“Is it just me or is it getting warm in here?” seeing him shrug out of his jacket and loosen the tie Melissa wondered how Dana could work around this guy. He was seriously hot.

“It’s the alcohol” Scully smiled picking the last olive from her drink.

“Where was I”

“Bright lights” Missy supplied.

“Right, so, there were these bright lights moving against the clouds like crazy”

He was talking with his hands now and before the girls had time to warn him, two vodka martinis were flying through the air in wide arches. Bitter-sweet liquid splashing over the front of his shirt making him jump back and freeze in place looking down at himself, bewildered.

“Oh dear” Scully covered her eyes, not sure if she’ll be able to control her laugh, and Missy watched wide eyed as the waitress snapped out of her embarrassment and started to apologize.

“I’m so sorry, sir” she wiped the table as quickly as possible, picking up broken glass and spilled olives. A small crowd congealed around them, ready for action as Mulder kept looking at his shirt, dangerously silent until he burst out... laughing. He laughed uncontrollably for a long minute as the girls watched him, as confused as everyone else.

“It’s okay, really” he gasped wiping his eyes “It’s my fault”

Scully looked at him giggling under her breath, and when their eyes met, they both laughed again.

“I’ll bring you fresh drinks right now, on the house of course” the girl ran from the madman before his good humor turned into something else.

“Thank you” Scully called after her and looked back at Mulder “You’re a mess”

“I can see that” he grinned and shook his head “Excuse me”

He went for the restrooms and both sisters sat back at the cleaned up table. Missy couldn’t believe what she saw.

“Dana, who is this guy?”

“What do you mean?” Scully picked up and folded his jacket, hanging it over the back of his chair.

“I saw him when you were unconscious, it’s like he’s a completely different person.”

“Oh, that” she smiled and tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, a nervous gesture Missy knew since they were little girls.

“Yes, that” she leaned closer and whispered suggestively “Are you and him?”

“What? NO!”

Dana’s response was fast, but not fast enough, Missy knew her better than that. Even if she didn’t realize it, her little sister was on a fast track to falling for her partner. Just as it was clear, it was too late for him.

“Well, I’m not so sure if he’d be as against it as you are” the challenge was clear, but before Scully could deny again, Mulder came back, and both women lost their ability to speak for a moment.

He skipped trying to save the shirt and got rid of it, leaving only a tight fitting, white short sleeved undershirt, untucked over the leather belt of his jeans. He looked like he just stepped out of a cover of a magazine.

“Sorry” he seemed a little unsure when he sat at the table “the shirt was beyond saving”

Missy gathered her thoughts first “No, it’s okay, you just need...”

She reached out unceremoniously and ruffled Mulder’s hair, using her fingers to comb through them this way and that. Scully watched her with astonishment that quickly turned into amusement when he closed his eyes and smiled sheepishly, blushing like a boy caught by one of his favorite young cousins or aunts.

“There, much better” Melissa looked pleased. Against all odds he looked even better, a controlled mess. She smiled glancing at the girls checking him out, clearly interested, but God bless his soul, he didn’t notice even a single one of them.

“Thanks” he finally straightened and on cue, the waitress came back with fresh drinks. Mulder theatricaly sat on his hands and all three girls laughed with him.

Two rounds later Cindy Lauper wanted to have fun and so did Mulder.

“Come on Scully” he grabbed her hand and pulled her to her feet “time for payback, you say it’s my birthday, so I want you to dance with me”

Missy was already gone, swept away by some tall-dark-skined-and-handsome Jamaican-artist-type, and having no one to turn to, Scully followed her characteristically over-eager partner.

He wasn’t the best dancer since Fred Astaire, but he didn’t step on her toes and moved with delightfully easy grace. She laughed as she twirled holding his hand, and as he spun her out the length of his arm to draw her right back in with a flair that would pull baby out of her corner, no questions asked. She saw a whole new side of him and he of her, a side he hoped to see more often.

The cheerful anthem faded and a calm, almost sad guitar caught them with arms locked around each other. Driving for hours through towns and villages, they both knew the song well.

When the day is long, and the nights, the night is yours alone.

And sure you had enough, of this life, hang on.

She tried to take a step back but Mulder stopped her “Wait, one more”

The gentle weight of his arm around her waist and a pleading look in his eyes made her rest one hand on his shoulder and give in to the warmth and solid reassurance of his arms.

“Thank you” he whispered leaning down so that she could hear him “for the late birthday”

“You did nothing when I was gone?” His incredulous half-laugh broke her heart.

He let go of her hand and wrapped both arms around her waist.

“I couldn’t do anything when you were gone”

Was it the alcohol or the song, he didn’t care, she was here and he held on.

Don’t throw your hand,

If you feel like you’re alone

No, no, no, you’re not alone

“Missy told me, some of it” Scully draped her arms over his shoulders “mom said you kept looking for me”

“I almost” he wanted to say he choked Duane Barry, but stoped himself.

“It was bad Scully. They already shut down the X-files, and” his voice broke and she knew it was more than just the alcohol.

“I thought I lost you” he finished slowly, steadily, though she could feel his breath shaking.

“I’m here Mulder” she reassured him, lips by his ear as they moved in a small circle “I’m here”

He held on, as if someone could snatch her from this very spot, in this very moment.

“I won’t let something like this happen to you, ever again” he promised.

The world around them got lost in music, and all that was left was gratitude. Acceptance, that they were more than just simple partners and friends. Even if they ever drifted apart, this moment of realization forged a quiet and unbreakable pact between them.

[endofgreenofficial]

More awesome dialogues in To The Extinction

Miles then talks to Megan about losing his friends in Harrod's.

Megan: That was a good one. You have any more stories like that?

Miles: How much time you got? Okay, I have a few. Let me see...

Megan: How did you kill him?

Miles: A few days ago, after I was hanging out with my friend Chris Hughes, me and a my friends found a group of an outsiders led by a guy named Clint, in the western side of Harrod's shopping center. After I first met Clint and his friends two years ago, he wasn't like me too, but he likes about an extraterrestrial invaders, whom were called themselves the Legion Horde. Anyway, after hanging out with Chris and Ray, when it started gone so wrong. A few hours later, as soon my friends were kidnapped by Clint and his men, and he said "I kill you all sooner or later!" and then I killed him in the basement of the Harrod's shopping mall.

Megan: You killed my friends? Why'd you do that?

Miles: No, I'm telling a story. So yeah, I was killed my friend Clint for myself. I was so unhappy when my friend Ray and he tells him, "And you, are the outsider?". So, I'm not an outsider really. He said he was promised to me, and be careful, they weren't kill anything else like the Legions.

Megan: Well, they weren't kill anything?

Miles: I just told you, they were kill anything else like you and me. As soon as they told me that, I thought of anything. I quickly apologized for killing each others and I told him it's nothing to be ashamed of. That evening, me and my friend got Clint and his guys were on their way around the basement of Harrod's, so strong, and they're kidnapping my best friends after all. We then approached them into Knightsbridge to ask my friend Sam to find Clint and each others. We also told my friend Peter Hayes (who was kidnapped alongside Luke) is gone from.

Megan: Peter Hayes? Who is this guy?

Miles: Peter Hayes was a son of the former CIA operative and a veteran of the Vietnam War. It's a shameful story, all you have to do is listen. Luke was imprisoned inside Riker's Island prison, until Peter finds him to release from his cell. Luke was a former KGB operative working with the Soviet Army while examining the alien artifacts in the war torn Afghanistan. So yeah, we told my friends Peter and Luke after all.

Megan: And then?

Miles: Last year, Peter and Luke were taken prisoner into a huge prison ship beyond the Adriatic Sea, until the US Navy destroys it, but Peter and Luke were managed to escape, and it was too late for them. Peter and Luke were stranded in the port city of Split, but they're were knocked down by the group of soldiers and they're held captive to a military compound somewhere around Belgrade, and the Army General manages his men to kept both Peter and Luke in captivity. A few days later, Peter was escaped from the captivity using a rigid tools, such as blowtorch and sledge hammer. He followed Luke's voice to escape the military compound in the southwest of Belgrade, but the soldiers interrupted the paths and Peter then kills more of its soldiers trying to stop him into escape. After a few hours, Peter finally finds Luke in another compound where he was held prisoner. After a few minutes, the soldiers stopped him to freeing Luke and other prisoners. Suddenly, Peter steals an RPG from the cache, and he aims to the soldiers and they blown up like a fire. At this point, the flames were huge! Imagine what it must've been like for them, and he finds Luke to escape from that military compound. Not knowing where he and Luke were taken prisoner, the two of them were escaped again to the sea, until a group of American soldiers rescues them after they're stranded beyond the Adriatic Sea.

Megan: But you?

Miles: Peter and Luke were staying inside a hotel in Venice, after they're rescued by an American soldiers from the Adriatic sea. A few days later, they're travelled to London to meet my friends and myself, when I'm hanging out in Piccadilly Circus.

Miles then contacts to Alice on his phone, about the last night's shootout in a drive-in theater.

Miles: So I'm keeping my friend inside the car of Chris's, when I'm having fun at te drive-in. And these guys comes out of a nowhere walking out of the road.

Miles: I know my friend Chris, must have seen them standing there from his car, but he asks his other friends to invite them to the drive-in, or even walking out into one of these parking lots.

Alice: What the hell? What'd he do to them? Their guys must have stealing some guns like never seen before!

Alice: By the way, these guys and girls ain't got nothing on him. Like $50 and...his gun? Who carries around his own gun?

Miles: Oh god. Anyway, I didn't do nothing with them. When my friend Chris was buying some food for less than $5, I found a gun inside a trunk, before the guys tooked me each other. The gun, is a kind of sniper rifle.

Alice: What did you killed them?

Miles: Once they're coming inside the drive-in, and it sounded they pretended to get on a car. Which of course, did it STARTED right away. Then I took off toward the parking lot, in what sounded like a motorcycle. Shifting GEARS and everything. And then I killed two of these guys who took over my friend Chris's car.

Alice: That's insane! How does someone like that survive out here at all?

Miles: I...I did it. There are some bastards out there though.

Alice: What do you mean? Was they're shouting to you and something?

Miles: I...I didn't make it. It was almost like they're were heard a sound of like a car, like...like it was pretending they're took one or something. They were making gear shifting noises and everything!

Alice: So what? Did they just let him DRIVE right by?

Miles: Okay! But they're didn't just drive by. They reached into the another parking lot. But then, I wasn't seem to hear anything out. Until they're dragged Chris's hands toward his shoulder like he was taken prisoner, then I killed one of these guys forced to kill him after all.

Alice: What the fuck?! What was it? What did you killed them?

Miles: I...I killed them. I think they're acting like a soldiers, but I convince my friend Chris to return to his car, but it was ended into a huge shootout. A minute or two later as they're "opened a fire" to each others and I took the grenades from the locker, and they're heard a loud "BOOM" sound, as I killed one of my friends tried to killed him!

Alice: Are you serious? What did you killed them? Anyway, I think my friend is still hanging out in my hotel room.

Miles: I'll see you later, Alice.

Alice: Goodbye then.

After leaving Tonbridge, Miles explained his short conversation about Hampstead Heath to Alice on his phone.

Miles: You heard about Hampstead Heath? The word is to defend its place over those bastards top into the bottom.

Alice: All of them?

Miles: Just five years ago, the bastards took me after all.

Alice: So you're died too?

Miles: No, I was being hospitalized inside Whittington Hospital. I was looking for my cousin Ray, who was still in my home in Highgate.

Alice: Who is Ray?

Miles: Ray Hughes, the brother of the MI6 operative and my best friend Chris Hughes.

Alice: He's your brother?

Miles: Not actually my brother.

Alice: Oh, thanks.

Three weeks after his 11th birthday, Miles and his friends were in Venice, to meet the newly recruited mercenaries.

Miles: Last year, I heard about my friend Clint with his guys and girls walking out inside the Harrod's, apparently the place was looking good that never seen before. And then he taunts me to kill my friends, but I was forced to killed him and others for myself. I'll never promised of him, he's dead to me.

Alice: What happened in Harrod's?

Miles: I ask my friend Chris to find a guy named Clint, who was befriend to me just three years ago. Beneath the grounds, Clint and his friends were kidnapping one of my best friends and they're forced to kill them, before I was trying to kill him. Once I'm entering the basement, my friend Chris finds another room to find Clint and his men were kidnapping one of my friends from my childhood. Then I find Clint after Chris enters the maintenance room from the sewers, but I finally killed him for myself. After a bad news for me, my friend Clint, was didn't make it anything else.

Alice: And you?

Miles: Just four years ago, my brother Raymond was killed by Clint and his friends, before I'm entering the old parking garage in Gravesend. My brother was turned into a robot with a designation R8MN1-7628, and bears my brothers name (Raymond).