#&audition boys kei

[absolutely-not-my-main-blog]

Holes. Keys. What Have You.

I have full analyses I've been wanting to actually do and gather images for over the entire past year, but in the meantime, have this <3.

[berzahoes]

“slut!” | tom blyth

summary: in a word full of boys, tom is a gentleman.

an: takes place before filming billy the kid

warnings: mean names hence the title also if you care, reader is the same age as tom lol

“so keep your boyfriends hidden because y/n is newly single!”

“how many boyfriends has she had in the last four years?”

“clearly she’s the problem if she can’t keep a boyfriend.”

you heard it all. the names people called you, the headlines, news reports. it was always the same. people would rather shame you for your love life than be quiet. in the past you did joke that you went on many dates, clearly the media didn’t care if you were joking or not.

your manager had even banned you from looking at the really negative comments on your phone. twitter was having a field day with your love life.

“slut!” was the phrase often directed towards you. while your loyal fans defend you, you could still see all the hurtful things people said about you.

“do you want to cancel tomorrow’s interview?” lisa, your manager, asked one day. you hadn’t answered your phone at all and she was concerned so she drove to your new york apartment and let herself in with the spare key she had. she had found you in the darkness of your room curled up with your plethora of blankets.

“cancel everything. i just want to rest for a while.” you managed to say. lisa was like your second mom. she cared about you more than anything.

“we can do that.” lisa assured.

“lisa?” you turned to face her.

“yes?”

“thanks for checking on me.”

“always.”

after that conversation, lisa made some calls and any movie or tv show deal you had were quickly cancelled. over the next few days, the media found out that you pulled out of many movies from big franchises like marvel and star wars. it was always a dream of yours to be in anything marvel or star wars related, but for now, those projects had to continue without you.

many friends and colleagues reached out to you, but all you could do was send a simple ‘thank you’ and be done with it.

days passed and you were still in your apartment. you didn’t mind being alone, you liked it better that way. sometimes lisa or your parents would drop by or even your upstairs neighbor, mrs. davis, a nice old lady who knew that your favorite cupcakes were red velvet so she made you some to cheer you up.

it was a tuesday afternoon when you heard someone cursing multiple out in the hallway. you figured someone got locked out so you ignored it. pretty much everyone in the entire building got locked out at least once. you were ignoring the cursing as you continued reading your book and ate your red velvet cupcake that your kind neighbor had made you. a few seconds later, you heard a knock on your door.

“no.” you groaned as you stood up to answer the door. you opened it to find tom. you had only known him because you had a mutual friend so you were surprised to see him at your door.

“hi,” he spoke. “i called and texted . . a lot. i just wanted to see how you were.”

“i’m alive as you can see.” you said.

“i know you’ve been asked this question a lot lately but are you okay?”

that’s when you broke down. you couldn’t keep it together in front of tom, but he didn’t mind comforting you. somehow he knew exactly what you needed to hear.

he would often come over to keep you company when lisa or your parents couldn’t. he understood you didn’t want to step foot outside so he didn’t force you. instead, you two would go up to the terrace of your apartment building and hang out. tom would bring lunch or dinner depending on the time that he decided to visit. during that time, you two would talk about whatever would come to mind. tom did his best to avoid talking about work, but you always asked how his filming was going or if he had auditioned for anything new.

“i got the part,” he admitted. “i’m playing billy the kid.” he smiled brightly.

“I’m so happy for you, tom! you deserve it!” you hugged him.

“it’ll be announced next week. you’re the first to know, well apart from my manager.” he chuckled.

“you deserve that and more.” you smiled.

“you do too. other people should see that,” tom said. “you’re so talented and amazing and everything about you is so. . . incredible. i wish people see you the way i do.”

you were speechless.

“are you okay?” tom asked when he noticed you were quiet.

fuck. fuck. fuck FUCK he thought to himself

“you mean it?” you managed to say. you could feel yourself start to blush.

“every bit and more. i enjoy being with you and if i could be with you for the rest of my life then i would die a happy man.”

[chunniwritesalot]

lessons with the hamiltons - lh44

in which reader is a teacher, but hates kids

HIII OKAY THIS IS JUST A SILLY LITTLE THING I STARTED AND THEN I COULDN'T STOP WRITING LMAO!! i might make a part 2 if someone asks! dont mind the no lewis header i have no time to make one hahah

cw: ksi's new song mentioned, cursing maybeeee, lewis being a bighead

wc: many

“I hate kids.” You huffed as you walked into the apartment you shared with your husband, kicking off your shoes with an aggressive thud. “Hate, hate, hate them.”

It was ironic, of course. Being a teacher meant you were surrounded by children all day, one of the few jobs where you were supposed to like them—or at least tolerate them. Good thing you were also an amazing actor, masking your exhaustion with a smile every time you stepped into that classroom.

Lewis looked up from his laptop, raising an eyebrow. “You’re a teacher,” he said, as if reminding you of the obvious. “You’re literally paid to not hate them.”

You rolled your eyes, tossing your bag onto the floor before flopping onto the couch beside him. “Yeah, yeah, thanks for the revelation, Captain Obvious. Match my freak for once, would you?”

His brow furrowed in confusion. “What does that even mean? Is that… new slang or something?” He tilted his head, genuinely curious but clearly out of his depth with your words.

“Yup, some of the kids started saying it,” you replied with a sigh, running your hands through your hair. “I guess I picked up on it without thinking.”

Lewis chuckled softly, shaking his head. “You teach 12 year olds. Doesn’t it freak you out a little to be adopting their slang?”

“Nah,” you said, leaning your head against his chest as he wrapped an arm around you. His warmth and the familiar scent of him—a mix of cologne and home—started to ease the tension you had carried through the door. “What freaks me out is how much I despise them today.”

He smiled at your melodramatic groan, rubbing small circles on your back. “What happened this time?”

“Everything. The noise, the constant whining, the way they somehow always know how to get under my skin. It's like they have a radar for it.” You shut your eyes, sinking deeper into the couch. “It’s exhausting pretending to like them.”

Lewis kissed the top of your head, his voice a little softer. “You don’t have to pretend with me.”

You let out a long breath, feeling some of the weight lift. “I know,” you whispered. “Thank God for that.”

There was a brief moment of silence, the kind that lingered just long enough for Lewis to think you’d finally calmed down. Then you broke it with a frustrated huff.

“You know what I had to deal with today?” You asked, your voice rising with the exasperation that had been bubbling beneath the surface all evening. You didn’t wait for him to respond before launching into your story. “Two boys in my class—two—decided to break out into song right in the middle of my lesson.”

You paused for effect, locking eyes with him to emphasize the absurdity of it all. Lewis raised an eyebrow, already bracing himself for the punchline.

“And they wouldn’t shut the hell up, mate,” you finished with a dramatic flourish, throwing your hands up in frustration.

He let out a low chuckle, trying to keep a straight face. “What were they even singing?”

You groaned, sinking deeper into the couch. “Something ridiculous. Some TikTok trend or whatever, something about being on a screen and then a ring... Doesn’t matter, though—they were so off-key I couldn’t even tell what it was supposed to be.”

Lewis shook his head, biting back a smile. “And let me guess, they thought they were absolutely killing it?”

You shot him a look. “Oh, of course. They were acting like they were auditioning for a Broadway show. Hand gestures, facial expressions, the works. Like, I was just waiting for them to ask for a standing ovation.”

Lewis laughed outright at that, the sound of it making you feel a little less annoyed, though you’d never admit it. “And what did you do? Join in?”

You gave him a deadpan stare. “I kicked them both out of class.”

He snorted, covering his mouth to hide his amusement. “Classic. Just no patience left today, huh?”

“None.” You sighed, leaning back and closing your eyes, allowing yourself to relax for the first time all day. “Zero tolerance for teenage karaoke. I just wanted to get through my lesson without a circus.”

“Well, Mrs. Hamilton,” Lewis teased, emphasizing your formal title with an exaggeratedly prim tone. “I’m sure you handled it all with grace and professionalism.”

You let out a scoff, shooting him a sideways glance. “Yeah, if ‘grace and professionalism’ means nearly chucking a whiteboard marker at them, then sure.”

Lewis chuckled, shaking his head. “I’m sure you’re everyone’s favorite teacher,” he added, a grin tugging at his lips.

You snorted, throwing your head back against the couch dramatically. “Oh yeah, I can just feel the love. Nothing says ‘favorite teacher’ like the daily chorus of, ‘Can we go home early?’ or ‘Miss, this is so boring.’”

“They only say that because they can’t handle your brilliance,” Lewis quipped, giving you a knowing look. “You’re too much for their fragile little minds.”

“Oh, definitely. I’m just intellectually overwhelming,” you deadpanned, rolling your eyes. “How could they ever appreciate my passion for algebra?”

Lewis burst out laughing, pulling you closer. “Exactly. They don’t even realize they’re sitting in the presence of greatness. Legends are never appreciated in their time.”

“Legend? Please,” you said, swatting him lightly. “If anything, I’m the stuff of nightmares. The teacher who ruined their dreams of becoming TikTok stars.”

“Hey, at least you’re memorable!” Lewis smirked, leaning in a little closer. “In 20 years, they’ll be telling their kids about the time Mrs. Hamilton shut down their music career before it even began.”

You groaned, rubbing your temples. “Fantastic. I’ll be a cautionary tale.”

“Better than being forgotten,” he teased, raising his eyebrows. “Plus, you’re probably giving them some quality meme material. They’ll thank you later.”

You shot him an amused glare. “Oh, so that’s my legacy now? Being the ‘meme teacher’?”

“Hey, memes are forever,” Lewis said with a mischievous grin. “That’s practically immortal in today’s world.”

You couldn’t help but laugh at his ridiculous logic. “I hate that you’re kind of right.”

Lewis leaned back, smug. “I’m always right.”

“You were just confused about slang 10 minutes ago,” you pointed out.

“Details, details,” he waved a hand dismissively. “The important thing is, your students secretly adore you. And if not, well…” He shrugged. “At least you’ve still got me.”

“Lucky me,” you muttered playfully, sinking back into his arms with a contented sigh.

“Hey, not everyone is in the presence of a seven-time Formula One World Champion!” Lewis shot back, puffing out his chest dramatically and poking your cheek for emphasis.

You groaned, shoving his hand away with a playful glare. “Your ego is huge, Lew. Like, it barely fits in this apartment.”

He smirked, unbothered. “What can I say? It’s all part of the package.”

“Oh, is that what it is? A package?” you shot back, crossing your arms. “Well, I hope it comes with a refund policy because this ego is too much.”

Lewis laughed, pretending to think for a moment. “Nah, sorry, no returns. You’re stuck with me—and the ego. Non-refundable, no exchanges.”

You sighed dramatically, rolling your eyes. “Great. Just what I wanted. A husband and his oversized confidence.”

“Hey,” he said, feigning offense. “It’s not confidence. It’s facts.”

You couldn’t help but laugh, shaking your head. “Right. ‘Facts.’ I swear, if you had an award for every time you talked about your seven championships, we’d need a separate room just for the trophies.”

Lewis grinned, raising an eyebrow. “Funny you mention that. I was just thinking we could clear out the guest room and—”

“No,” you interrupted, giving him a playful shove. “Not happening.”

He chuckled, wrapping his arm around your shoulders and pulling you close. “Fine, fine. But you can’t blame me for being proud. You did marry a legend, after all.”

You snorted. “A legend with an ego the size of a racetrack.”

“Hey, you’re the one who chose this life,” he teased, kissing the top of your head. “No refunds, remember?”

You sighed, leaning into him with a smirk. “Yeah, yeah. Guess I’ll just have to live with it.”

“Sooo,” Lewis started, drawing the word out with that familiar grin you knew meant trouble. “Ever think of wanting… kids together?”

You blinked, then slowly turned to face him, squinting suspiciously. “Kids? Together? Us?”

Lewis grinned wider, leaning in. “Yeah, you know—tiny humans that look like us, say funny things, and maybe, just maybe, follow in my footsteps. Mini-Hamiltons.” He wiggled his eyebrows dramatically, clearly enjoying the moment.

You raised a hand to stop him. “First of all, you’ve clearly forgotten the part where I just said I hate kids. Secondly, tiny humans that are half you? Lewis, I barely manage one of you.”

He laughed, completely unfazed. “Come on, you love me. Imagine—little curly-haired kids running around, making you laugh, driving you crazy. It’s the dream.”

You snorted. “The nightmare, you mean. I already have to keep your ego in check. Now you want me to manage a whole pack of baby egos that think they’re Formula One drivers straight out of the womb?”

“Exactly,” Lewis teased, poking your side. “Imagine—little racers, pulling wheelies on their tricycles, practicing pit stops with toy cars. We’d be unstoppable.”

You stared at him, wide-eyed. “No. Absolutely not. I already see it—them racing in the house, breaking things, you teaching them how to do donuts in the living room.”

Lewis gave a mock shrug. “Well, they’d have to learn from the best, right? Legacy, babe. It’s all about legacy.”

You buried your face in your hands, laughing in disbelief. “A legacy of destruction. Fantastic. Let me just call the furniture store now and order everything in crash-proof material.”

Lewis leaned in closer, lowering his voice like he was sharing a secret. “Okay, but imagine this: family go-kart days, mini helmets with Hamilton written across the back, and you as the team principal. We’d be unstoppable.”

“Team principal?” you deadpanned, lifting your head from your hands. “Lewis, if I’m in charge, the first thing I’m doing is banning anything with wheels in this house.”

Lewis burst out laughing, pulling you into a hug. “Alright, alright, no go-karts in the living room… yet. But seriously, can’t you see it? You’d be an amazing mom.”

You paused, softening a bit as you looked up at him. “I don’t know, Lew. I mean, if our kids inherit your energy, we might need to hire a whole pit crew just to keep up with them.”

He grinned, leaning down to kiss your forehead. “That’s what makes it exciting. We’d make a great team.”

You sighed, half in amusement, half in surrender. “We’ll see. For now, let’s focus on surviving you, okay?”

“Deal,” Lewis said, laughing as he held you close. “But I’m telling you, one day, we’re gonna need matching family race suits.”

You groaned, but smiled. “God help me.”

-fin-

PLEASE SEND REQUESTSSSSSS IM BEGGING OMFGGG I'M FINALLY A LITTLE BIT FREE

[hotdaemondtargaryen]

EWAN MITCHELL PHOTOGRAPHED AND INTERVIEWED FOR THE NEW YORK TIMES MAGAZINE.

ABOUT BEING RECOGNIZED

Like most people, Ewan Mitchell is accustomed to anonymity.

So during a recent trip to Manhattan, he was surprised by what a hotel doorman asked when he arrived: “You haven’t packed your eye patch?”

The actor is still getting used to strangers making the connection in public.

“I wouldn’t think people would recognize me, but they do.”

“I think it’s because of my strong chin.”

“When I’m dressed up as Aemond and catch myself in the mirror, he scares even me a little bit.”

When he’s not in character, Mitchell is soft-spoken and occasionally flashes a boyish grin, though he retains much of Aemond’s seriousness and quiet intensity.

He is also very private: He stays off social media and in the past has shied away from sharing much with the public.

“Once you lose the mystery, you can’t really get it back.”

HE KNOWS THAT AEMOND'S KEY ROLE IN S2 MEANS HE MUST ALSO EMBRACE THE SPOTLIGHT:

“There is a point where you have to go, now’s the time to pull back the curtain.”

Like Aemond, Mitchell is a second son.

He grew up in Derby, an industrial town in the middle of England, and his parents expected him to follow his older brother’s footsteps and work at Rolls-Royce (the aerospace and industrial technology company, not the carmaker).

HIS INSPIRATIONS AND BECOME AN ACTOR

Inspired by films like “Citizen Kane” and “Taxi Driver,” Mitchell knew early on he wanted to become an actor.

When he was 13, his teacher asked each student in his class what they wanted to do when they grew up.

“Then it came to me, and I said, ‘I’m going to be an actor,’ and everyone laughed at me.”

His family could not afford tuition for drama school, so Mitchell attended a two-year vocational school, where he studied design and technology while working part-time at a restaurant and in customer service at a local soccer club.

Midway through the program, at 17, he was accepted into the Nottingham Television Workshop, a drama group that trains young people in acting.

Through the Workshop, Mitchell landed a leading role in a 2015 short film called “Fire,” about a young man who leaks fire from his hands.

Once the short was released, Mitchell downloaded it onto a dozen CDs, took the train to London and stopped by the offices of every agent he could find, handing them each a copy.

The one person who called back continues to represent Mitchell.

“By hook or by crook, I wanted to make sure that I was going to be in this business.”

ABOUT BEING CASTED AS AEMOND TARGARYEN

Aemond’s growing prominence in the show requires Mitchell to embrace the spotlight as well.

“There is a point where you have to go, now’s the time to pull back the curtain.”

But being cast as Aemond in “House of the Dragon” has been his biggest professional turning point by far.

“Since landing him, I feel like I’m able to now steer the course of my career.”

Mitchell had been rewatching the classic Hollywood adventure film “The Vikings” (1958) and musing about how he wanted to play a morally dark character similar to the one played by Kirk Douglas when he received an email inviting him to submit a taped audition for Aemond.

When he eventually auditioned in person, he left a lasting impression on Ryan Condal, the showrunner for “House of the Dragon.”

“When Ewan came into the room, he just had this presence to him that I can best describe as unsettling,” Condal said.

“It was kind of quietly terrifying the way he performed it, and it was totally different than everybody else. And then he thanked us very politely and left the room.”

Condal recalls asking Kate Rhodes James, the casting director, “Is he always like that?”

She replied, “Oh no, he’s just a very intense northern boy.”

To prepare for his role, Mitchell did not watch “Game of Thrones.” Instead, he read portions of “Fire & Blood,” the book by George R.R.

Martin that inspired the show, and studied the performances of Michael Fassbender in “Prometheus” and Peter O’Toole in “Lawrence of Arabia,” each playing a figure who wields power for his own ends.

ABOUT MATT SMITH AND DAEMON TARGARYEN

On his first day on set, Mitchell consulted with Condal and decided that he would avoid interacting with Matt Smith, who plays Aemond’s similarly menacing uncle and rival, Daemon, in order to heighten the tension between the two characters.

Mitchell had grown up admiring Smith’s performance in “Doctor Who.”

But on set Mitchell avoided any eye contact with him, keeping his distance until the climactic scene near the end of the first season when Aemond and Daemon finally face off.

“There’s this addictive kind of quality when you’re in the shoes of a character.”

“When you lose yourself for a moment, it’s almost like a dream.”

ABOUT HIS HOME AND HIS DOGS

When he isn’t acting, Mitchell still lives at his family home in Derby and spends time with his dogs, three whippets named Eva, Bella and Bonnie.

“Now that I’m on it.”

“I’ve just got to stay on the dragon.”

[loveephia]

:¨ ·.· ¨: ハイキュー!! some of the inarizaki boys seeing you in a . . .

`· . ꔫ . . . princess dress for their school festival's play. (atsumu, osamu, suna, and kita.)

⚠ warning/s: none.

ATSUMU MIYA

- you were in the dressing room getting ready while atsumu was pacing around outside

- HE REALLY WANTED TO SEE YOU

- the door FINALLY opened, and there you were

- atsumu literally gasped

- you were radiant

- "hey princess, you in need of a knight in shinin' armor?" he gives you his infamous smirk

- that's funny because he got the role of the knight

- "don't even start with me, 'tsumu." you reply

- during the entire play, he had to improvise most of his lines because they kept slipping out of his mind every time his eyes fell on you

- literally, no matter how many times he's looked at you, HE STILL FORGETS

OSAMU MIYA

- you look and felt just like an actual princess

- osamu also felt intimidated by your elegance LOL

- "y/n, is that really you?" he jokes, trying desperately to hide his disbelief

- you punch his side.

- unlike his twin, he wasn't cast in the play (because he didn't audition), so he was working on the backstage effects instead

- and it just so happens that he was in control of the lights

- so, you know, the spotlight was on YOU the entire play.

- EVEN WHEN YOU WEREN'T SPEAKING OR IF THERE WAS A SOLILOQUY GOING ON, HE WOULDN'T STOPPP

- he eventually got scolded by his schoolmates backstage for the unwanted favoritism, but hey, could you really blame him??

SUNA RINTARŌ

- when he saw you, he audibly said a cute & small "woah"

- he has candid pictures. a lot of them.

- even sets his favorite one as his background (it's of you looking flustered with a rose in one hand)

- "tarō, did you really have to take so many pictures?" you ask

- he only shrugs, "who knows when i'll be able to see you like this again."

- he doesn't know if it's just him or the lighting, but your eyes looked twice as sparkly than it did a while ago

- you were just glowing

KITA SHINSUKE

- of course, we can't forget the actual prince to the princess

- his reaction was the most low-key from all of the boys

- though his round cheeks were tinted a nice shade of red

- "..how do i look, shin?" you ask, worried

- and every single adjective had run through kita's mind like sonic on multiple power-ups

- he settles on, "ethereal." feeling breathless

- "you're on in a few minutes, you two." the backstage manager says, leaving you alone with kita

- kita raises your palm to place a soft kiss on the back of your hand, "let's go."

- man, if the makeup team had forgotten to add your blush, then they definitely wouldn't need to worry now

© lowercase intended | loveephia

[pastlivesandpurplepuppets]

Actor Matthew Settle, having personally auditioned with Tom Hanks for a number of leading roles, won the part by delivering steely performances of key scenes. During the casting process, Hanks branded Speirs “a dark character.” Settle unequivocally embraced this categorization as filming commenced in England.

[...]Ron conveyed to Dick. “This TV business is all smoke and mirrors anyway. They can put my nametag on some guy and pretend it is Sparky. They are faking the combat scenes with a stand-in playing Sparky, so why not finish it up that way? I am just not up to the hassle and pressure of an interview. This is not what you want to hear, but I want to be candid about my situation.” Few were more disappointed in Speirs’s decision than Matthew Settle. Many of his fellow actors forged enriching relationships with the veterans they portrayed. Settle was denied this luxury. “It seemed as though he wanted to shy away from the whole process of Band of Brothers,” Settle later noted of Speirs. “He wasn’t quite sure in what light it would leave him.” Because filmmakers lacked Speirs’s direct input regarding his more controversial traits, they “presented the idea to the audience and let them decide whether or not he had killed prisoners and perhaps his own men,” said Settle. “I think that was tastefully done. But perhaps that was why he wasn’t open to being spoken to.”

The absence of Settle’s mysterious character in episode one of Band of Brothers permitted the actor to discover his character in other ways. While the rest of the cast shot the series introduction in England, Settle retraced Speirs’s steps across Europe on an odyssey of his own. He visited France, toured museums, and sought out sites where Speirs had fought. Settle ventured into the Bois Jacques, discovered Easy Company’s foxholes, and was warned to watch out for live ordnance as he did so. At Foy—where Speirs embarked on his iconic run—the actor traversed the wide field and was amazed to see dwellings in town that still bore scars of battle. He ventured all the way to the Eagle’s Nest in Germany. “It made it really come to life for me,” Settle said of the journey. “I’m very happy that I was able to do that.”

Deprived of the ability to converse with Speirs, Settle searched for perspectives on leadership in battle. In addition to reading several Ambrose books, he leaned on Captain Dale Dye—the film’s technical advisor who himself was a decorated combat veteran. “You gotta help me find this guy,” Settle implored to Dye. “Who is he? What’s his tone?” The subsequent coaching greatly benefited his performance: “I had a natural finality that served his character well.” On film, Speirs was stern, direct, and honest. Settle relished interpreting the Speirs mystique—a colorful balance of bravery and secrets. He naturally considers the Speirs scene at Foy his favorite of the miniseries.

[...]A 1,000-person tent was erected on site for a gala and the screening of a ninety-minute compilation of Band of Brothers scenes. Amid all the activities, Matthew Settle finally conversed with his character in the flesh. “When I actually met Speirs, he seemed like he was stoic and quiet and passive,” Settle recalled. “He definitely seemed like a person that may have been hurt once or twice in his life.” The actor’s observations of Speirs during the debut itself were even more affecting. “I sat next to him and Winters as they watched the invasion on screen together,” said Settle. “I honestly just watched the two of them. I couldn’t help myself…. It was powerful. They were reliving it.”

Settle regretted that his interactions with Ron were so fleeting. “I never really got into any deep conversations because Speirs was always very hesitant to talk about anything deeper than just the weather. A lot of the vets would approach him and he would say, ‘Which war?’ I don’t know if he was pretending not to remember them or what.” Speirs’s question was likely an earnest effort to distinguish those who served under him at different stages of his career. Self-consciousness of his hearing loss further precluded him from active conversation.

~ Jared Frederick & Erik Dorr

[dodorimo]

WIP Wednesday

Theater director!Raphael x Tav

He's supposed to be kinda creepy here, so yeah, this is a warning.

· · ──────  ❊  ────── · ·

It is a disaster, a travesty.

He wonders. When Tacitus beheld the charred remains of his beloved Rome, did he feel a similar way?

Chorus girls look to each other for guidance while lead actors traipse over the stage, painfully off-key. He has seen high school productions with more verve than this one.

That he has to share a room with such insipid talent. It is truly heartbreaking.

With a weary sigh, his eyes survey the stage for the weak link, and that’s where he finds her. A girl in the back row, looking a little lost and scared out of her mind.

“Dear God, who does casting these days?” he laments to no one in particular, crossing his legs on the leather seat.

“You do, sir.”

Raphael turns to look at the man beside him, taking in his ill-fitting suit and old-fashioned glasses. Poor fellow. He has neither the knack nor the grip for the job. And the syndicate thought sending this boy would keep him on his toes?

“Oh, I didn’t audition this one or I’d remember her.” There’s a pause while he mulls over his thoughts. “Tell me, Jameson,” he says and ignores when the other man voices a correction. “Why is she here?”

“The girl has promise,” comes the curt response. “She was highly recommended.”

The vague answer does nothing to placate his quickly dampening mood. “Recommended by who? Her parents? Her elementary teacher, perhaps?”

A few cleaning women choose this moment to walk past their seats, prompting the man to lower his voice. “The Royal, sir.”

Raphael reclines back in his seat. There we have it.

What these newcomers fail to understand is that admission to a fancy college isn’t nearly enough accolades for his standards. He didn’t build his reputation by bowing down to paper-pushers and sycophants. In this theater, he dictates the rules. In this theater, he is king.

With a wave of his hand and a few scathing words, he orders the session to be dismissed, much to the relief of those present.

“May I suggest a break instead?”

“You did well today, Johnson. You may take the rest of the day off,” he replies, his tone final.

The man opens his mouth to protest, but turns to leave the room instead. The buzz of conversation slowly dwindles as cast and crew head backstage. They turn off the lights on their way out, leaving the theater in semi-penumbra.

Despite his predisposition for pomp and extravagance, Raphael always thought he worked better on a smaller stage.

“Not you.” He points to the girl tailgating the group. “I’d like to have a word.”

The girl stops in her tracks, a thousand emotions flashing across her face, before settling on fear.

While he waits for her to come around, he pulls two chairs and rearranges them facing each other in the middle of the stage, right below where the headlights shine brightest. The girl moves to sit on one of the chairs, shaking like a foal standing on its hind legs for the first time.

“Fear not. This will only take a moment,” he says, his smile deceptively warm—a skill honed after many years in the business.

She is a pretty little thing, this new choir girl. But then, again, most choir girls are. If her theater career falls to pieces, he can imagine a profession or two where she would excel at. 

“What do you say we start from the beginning of act two?” he suggests, tone amicable as to not alarm her further.

The girl scrambles to flip through the pages of the script, her eyes skimming over the words in rapid succession.

This won’t do. An easier question, then.

“What is your name, dear?”

“River, sir. My name is River.”

“My man told me you came from the capital. Do you like it there?”

“I like it very much, yes.” The small talk seems to calm her enough to allow her to find the right page. What she finds there, however, does not please her in the slightest.

“Sir, this is a scene for two…” she trails off, eyes fearful.

“Make the best of it. Improvise. I can play the part of your would-be lover if you wish.” The abrasive approach isn’t to his liking. Unfortunately for this girl, he is short on patience.

If he had any hope that under the veneer of the ingénue might hide a true thespian spirit, it vanishes the moment she utters the first line.

He stands up and paces aimlessly around the stage. The girl stares at him, dumbfounded.

“You have been on the run. This man, this stranger, offers you solace and a roof above your head. He is charming and not too hard on the eyes. You feel indebted to him. You’re young, naive and you’ve never been properly courted.”

The deviation from the script wouldn’t pose an issue. He is the author, after all, and the play, a successful piece from his earlier career. “Updated” for modern audiences. The word alone is enough to make him grit his teeth. None of his plays needed “updating”. Younger audiences can take their grievances back to their food-stained couches. They had no respect for the classics.

His little summary provokes the intended reaction. He sees the pieces falling into place in her mind.

“Harlequin…” she tries again, this time with more passion. And is that the hint of tears he sees in her eyes? “I've never met anyone like you. If only I could repay you in kind.”

“Good, good… much better.” He returns to his seat.

“Say the word and my body will be yours.” She leans forward, exposing just enough of her cleavage for his eager eyes. It’s a bold move, but not unwelcome. His fingers twitch on his lap. This little dove may surprise him still.

Raphael recites the words that have become second nature to him. “Columbina. I’d rather you not return to your old ways. If you choose to lie with me, it must be of your own free will.” If his voice sounded more condescending than the play requires, it’s just an act of improvisation on his part.

He points to the script in her hand. It’s the cue for her musical number.

If the girl clearly struggled with the finer nuances of the text before, here she needs no assistance. Hers is a voice of singular beauty, the likes of which emerge once in a generation. He suddenly understood why James was so hellbent on bringing her here. It wasn’t just the charming Harlequin who was finding himself enthralled.

When it’s done, he takes off his glasses without saying a word and puts them carefully in his pocket.

“Oh dear, this is…” Beautiful, stupendous, awe-inspiring, his mind supplies. “A little crude, if you don’t mind my directness.”

The girl looks positively devastated, her lips quivering as if about to cry.

“But even the roughest of rocks can be polished into a beautiful piece of jewelry. Isn’t this what they say? Meet me at my office after tomorrow’s rehearsal. I expect you to be well acquainted with the text by then.”

“Thank you, sir. I won’t disappoint you.”

“Call me Raphael.”

“Raphael…” Her voice rings like angelic bells to his ears. “Until tomorrow.”

[basu-shokikita]

My Analysis on The Duel

Over the course of my stay in the MTL fandom I've seen several takes on what The Duel means so I wanted to throw my interpretation!

For the record, I used the isolated guitar tracks of Toki and Skwisgaar that user crystalsmeth made for this. Here is Toki's version and here is Skwisgaar's version of The Duel, so feel free to listen to them while you read this. Or you can also listen to the regular version Spotify with your headphones or something.

As we know, Toki walks into the auditions late and begs Dethklok, Skwisgaar specifically, for a chance to prove himself. Skwisgaar accepts and immediately starts playing, leading to the legendary battle.

From the beginning of the song until 0:12, Skwisgaar is the one playing. He's doing the call and he's reckless, unafraid to destroy Toki the way he destroyed every other auditioner.

As such, an afraid but determined Toki answers from 0:13 to 0:20. The rest of Dethklok are shocked, since no one else before him was able to hold against Skwisgaar for even a verse.

While they're metaphorically transported into the sky and turned into mythical beasts, the call and answer dynamic continues. Though their verses are much shorter than the beginning.

Side detail: Toki's verses here are a bit clumsy and improvised, reflecting of his nervousness.

However, around 0:25, a change occurs. When Skwisgaar plays his part, he doesn't stop to listen to Toki's response. On the contrary, he continues playing, and thus creating an harmony with him.

Visually, this is the moment where the tension starts building up, both of them wanting to overcome the other though Toki is visibly behind Skwisgaar.

Toki catches up at 0:38 and they face each other. The call and answer dynamic resumes briefly and intensely as they shoot beams at one another.

While spinning so fast that you can barely tell them apart, the harmony once again returns (0:51). The whirlwind of pink representing Skwisgaar and teal representing Toki only grows bigger, and they're entangled with each other.

There's a sudden cut at 0:55, and in comes the baroque segment. They're still harmonizing but the musical style has changed and so have their clothes and attitudes. They have unimpressed, smug faces, akin to the aristocracy of the time.

But then, around 1:10, their expressions change, indicating the end of this relatively low-pressure part of the exchange. Their fighting is about to resume.

It's 1:15 and they're playing together. But here's the key. It's not call and answer, it's not a harmony they're both fighting off either. It's lead and rhythm guitar. But it's not Skwisgaar playing the lead.

It's Toki.

That's right, go ahead and listen to the isolated tracks I linked at the beginning of the post. For a brief moment, Toki is playing the lead guitar while Skwisgaar takes care of the rhythm guitar. And guess, what? They're happy about it!

As they soar into the skies, they're smiling at each other. Yes, it's faint but you can see it. Both Skwisgaar and Toki joyfully staring at each other, while playing together. Skwisgaar, who minutes ago was defeating auditioners left and right. Skwisgaar, who said they didn't need another guitarist in the band. Skwisgaar who didn't think anybody could match him, less alone conquer him.

That Skwisgaar, relegated to playing the rhythm guitar to this boy he just met and actually enjoying it. I tend to believe this is the moment where he decided he wanted Toki in the band, and by this point on he was just playing for the fun of it, rather than to defeat Toki.

From 1:23 onwards, they're harmonizing though there's something different about it this time, and this is better appreciated with earphones, by the way!

So far, we've had Skwisgaar's guitar come from the right channel, and Toki's guitar come from the left channel. But here, their guitars come together, right in the middle. You can try it with your earphones, if you take off the right or left one during this part, you can still listen to the harmony perfectly, whereas before where you would effectively mute Toki or Skwisgaar's guitar depending on which one you took off.

While Skwisgaar and Toki play in the beautiful skies, surveilled by their animal spirits, their music has fused into one. They have become a single entity.

The call and answer dynamic returns at 1:40 and so do the guitars to their respective channels. The conclusion to this fight is near and the visuals mirror it too, as they turn night-like.

While Toki technically loses the battle, he doesn't lose the challenge, as he's accepted into Dethklok because of his playing and that was the whole point of the auditions.

So, here you have it, my lengthy analysis on The Duel. I haven't really seen people talk about the fact that Skwisgaar, even for a few seconds, allowed Toki to play lead. And it's a fact that drives me insane! I mean, we're talking about Skwisgaar, the guy that truly believes himself to be better than anyone...It really goes to that he respects Toki's playing more than he'll ever admit. Musical soulmates, man...

[eisforeidolon]

Question: Has there ever been a moment on set or in a series that has made you so seriously contemplate quitting acting and like who was the person [audience laughs] - No! Like who was the person who helped you stay, who was your grounding stone that really made you want to keep in this career? Or has there just been a moment that's made you say I'm done with this and what helped you stay in the career?

Jared: Great question. I think I know what you're asking. Uh, there was certainly several moments - there were countless moments where it's like this is more than I got. And more often than not, it would happen on set, I was on set with Jensen or I worked with Jensen, so it's like hey, we got it, we've been through harder. You know, like, let's figure this out, just get through the day. And there was always that great feeling at the end of the day, we did something you didn't think - that prior to that day you didn't think you were capable of doing? There was certainly some uncomfortable scenes or sequences or - You know it generally didn't have to do with acting or the character, that I kind of - I - You know I'm not a writer and so I've accepted as an actor that I'm largely telling somebody else's story and hopefully able to weave in my own where it's possible and learn from their story when possible? So it hasn't really had anything to do with what my character did. It's usually when something - just like with everybody, when something is going on in your head or in your [finger quotes] real life? When you're at work, like I don't like anything right now. I don't wanna do - not that I don't wanna act, I just don't wanna be here, I don't wanna be anywhere. And I think a lot of that was Ackles, you know when I was experiencing that, with work, at work I think a lot of - yeah, the most I ever wanted to leave acting was frankly, when I had to leave Austin and fly to Vancouver. You know, Vancouver - as many of y'all know, many of y'all are from there - is one of the most beautiful cities on the planet. It's amazing, nice people, great food - yeah. [Jensen nods and pounds his fist over his heart] Loved our crew, loved our cast, but there's something about when you're gonna see, when you're saying bye to your kid 6 pm on a Sunday and they say when do you come back? And you say I'll be back in, uh, twelve days, but I'll FaceTime you - and they start crying. And then I'll have to leave for the airport and I'm running late? That sucks. That's rough. And I feel for parents, for anybody who has to leave on a regular basis. That was probably the most rough. But he and I could also talk about that, like, it sucks. Like, JJ has a teacher's appointment on this after this or Tom has a teacher's appointment or whatever, you know? We were missing a lot of key moments. And so it's just, it's difficult to have to leave, I guess.

Jensen: Any moment on The Boys. [Jared laughs] Has not only made me question my career choice, but also my life. Um, no, I think there was only one moment in my life that I can remember where I was contemplating walking away. And it was very early on. I had just turned 19, and I had just come off of a television show called Mr. Rhodes that was my first, like, real gig when I moved out to LA at 18. And I worked for a full season for NBC at Universal Studios and I was like, oh, this is amazing. And then that show got cancelled. And by that time, all my friends back home were all in college, and they were sharing all these incredible stories and I was also a kid, I was 19 and I was really, really homesick. And I wanted to go home. I was like, I don't know if I want to do this. And I had - I was up for a job, I'd had one audition and I had a callback coming and this was the moment where I was like I don't think I'm gonna do this, I don't wanna do - I wanna go home, I want to go to college and just go that path that I abandoned. And I was like, I'll tell you what, if I get this role, then I'm meant to stay. And it was Days of Our Lives. Yeah, and I signed a three year deal, so I couldn't go. But I was literally like, already starting to pack my stuff, and just had it riding, put it all on that one - and I didn't think I was gonna get it. It wasn't like, oh, I'm gonna get this so you know. Cause I literally thought I was not getting that role. I was the youngest guy that was up for the role, I was certainly the least developed muscularly? Like all those soap guys were just all jacked and ripped and I was like - I was just some skinny kid from Texas. And I thought there's no way they're gonna go with me, they're gonna go with some, you know, some big Adonis pretty boy guy. And they went with the skinny kid from Texas and that's why I'm still here.

[nhularin]

TUMBLR.COM

⋆｡𖦹°‧★ ZERO: delulu user

SYNOPSIS being a writer is hard, especially when you're a hardcore stan on tumblr.com. so when the legendary niki writer disappeared out of the blue, the readers were naturally heartbroken! but! what happens when their beloved nishirikithinker got revealed as THE yn of the hot new girl group?!

2020 - AGE FOURTEEN.

︶꒷꒦︶ YOU SAT AT YOUR DESK, the soft glow of your laptop illuminating your face, fingers tapping away at the keyboard, trying to weave words together to create a world, a story that unfolded in your mind. you were deep in the realm of fanfiction, your favorite pastime, and your favorite subject was none other than your favorite new rookie idol: nishimura riki.

your friends called you obsessed, spending way too much money on albums, in hopes of getting his photocards but you knew better, your love for him was healthy (thats what you told yourself over and over again).

for months, you had written different stories that brought your favorite idol to life in cute little scenarios. from worlds where he was a superhero, a time traveler or your highschool boyfriend, each narrative a testament to your admiration.

your fingers danced across the keys, a smile tugging at your lips as the story took shape. putting niki into your own fictional world filled you with a sense of connection, a way to express the love and respect you held for the boy

late into the night, yoy would eagerly refresh your tumblr profile, waiting for comments and feedback from others who shared your passion. the encouragement you found within the community fueled your creativity (and delusions), pushing you to delve deeper into publishing more works.

you werent an ambitious person, always imagining marrying the first rich man and spending the rest of your life on the beach in bali or shopping in singapore.

but everything changed when you received a notification from twitter. It was an official announcement! hybe was holding auditions! a glimmer of excitement sparked within your heart. this was your chance to step out of the world of nobodies and into reality, where you could pursue your dream of being an idol yourself and maybe meet yuna from itzy

eagerly, without telling your parents, you dedicated yourself to the grueling process of auditions, training, and fine tuning your skills. days turned into weeks, weeks into months, and eventually, you were part of the training group set to debut

with your busy schedule, you unintentionally abandoned your beloved account, closing one chapter of your life and entering a new, brighter one. but enhablr was in shambles

where was nishirikithinker???

prev <- MASTERLIST -> next

TAGLIST open! @neighborhae @cha3w0n-hearts @misokei @avocarua @sayescomfortplace @luvistqrzzz @he4rtsforjihoon @jmluvclub @porcelain-moths @wonqr @hyhees @kjrcrz @ilurvriki @luvrgirlkumi @suvgs @cha0thicpisces @mitsukifilms @saintriots @wqsty @ggggghost @backintomykpopphaseagain @eumppattv @tiissuebox-blog e @miko1ly @lunavixia @byunrieu @leep0ems @mrchweeee @sngvhs @sobun1est @luvkpopp @arizejkt19 @hannahhbahng

[vampiresareqt]

WHY Iñaki HAS BEEN Luffy SINCE THE BEGINNING!!!

A summarised history of Iñaki Godoy Jasso and his parallels to Monkey D. Luffy

I'm sure Iñaki tried to keep his composure so hard. (Our Cry Baby) But on his way home he broke down in tears and laughter (Such a Joyful boy)

Just to make this video even stronger; Iñaki's goals as a child were to make people laugh and to use his genuine smile to make others smile. He CRAVES freedom too!

And at one point he even wanted to become a competitive eater, 'cause HE LOVES FOOD!

REACHING HIS GOALS

Source: [x]

How much did he want to reach his goals? He was once bailed on by one of his partners in a play where he had the role of the mischievously grinning Cheshire Cat (Also fitting wtf) He was like 8???

And while he was panicking at first, he improvised his way out of it, saw the smiles and laughter of the crowd and DID NOT WANT TO GIVE UP. He felt the freedom of acting and expression and the joy of seeing people laugh. He literally said he wanted to continue acting CAUSE OF FREEDOM!!!

He later pursued comedy, 'cause of his love of cheering people up...

If you don't really remember the significance of "freedom" when it comes to Luffy,

"Sometimes, an honest smile is more than enough."

He values smiling and making others smile. And just like Iñaki, one of Luffy's key assets is his wide smile! So when Iñaki did his research on Luffy he didn't want to make it too complicated at first. He narrowed him down to that smile we love and aimed to perfect it. And of course, as the smiley person he is it came naturally.

This also kinda parallels Luffy's "Don't care about the story, just get me to do something." mindset. In this case, Iñaki going for an audition kind of blind, then simplifying Luffy's character and then building on it with 100% determination is so reminiscent of our boy. He ended up appreciating and admiring Oda-Sensei so much after getting involved. And making him laugh came naturally to him as well.

Helping people is important!

He loves doing charity things. Especially knowing his little sister endured a lot of hardships, he as a young child did a campaign against bullying and to raise awareness... "The Jasso-Godoy Family are the group leaders of CAP Grupo Mexico in Mexico City, Mexico and their own non-profit!!!"

"Mia is beautiful the way she is. Any way she is, I'd still love her. If there is someone at school... or anywhere, be nice to them, okay? I am her brother."

Watch the heartwarming video below!

He is very flexible in ways he can do so many things, versatility, but also physically, he loves jumping around and doing tricks and even when he gets hurt he smiles, cause he learned from it and had fun...

In this video he is introducing himself and talking about his versatility. Saying "Whatever you want me to do, I'll be at your service." So if you have goals in your movie or show, he will do his utmost best to make it a reality.

Hope I translated it correctly...

Always a Pirate

He has also always had something with the sea and pirates... Foreshadowing

In the same TikTok he was talking about his mischief he showed us a pic of him as a kid, where he is wearing a pirate themed Spongebob T-Shirt. EVEN THE POSE IS VERY LUFFY!

In one of his Insta posts, while he was on his 80 day trip around the Caribbean he posted an even older pic of him and his sister Mia WEARING PIRATE OUTFITS.

I immediately said he bares a striking resemblance to young Luffy smiling.

UNCANNY!!!

So in the end...

Even without mentioning any of these childhood things Iñaki experienced before finding One Piece. Just that short audition clip made Oda laugh instantly and overwhelmed Oda with Luffy vibes. JUST FROM IÑAKI'S GENUINE ENERGY!!!!!

So people saying Oda's Haki predicted Iñaki is like... I could kinda believe that. Or maybe the reason why the Live Action did not start production till about 4 years later, is because we had to wait for Iñaki to grow up to the same age as Luffy, 17, for Oda to meet the person who best represents his beloved main character.

[werywrenniethoughts]

Let's Talk About Sun and Moon

I've been itching to share all my thoughts & theories on the Daycare Attendant ever since I first played SB. With MattPat's latest video reacting to Fuhnaff's recent Ruin theory, I could no longer contain my silence. It's obvious Steel Wool is pointing us back to Sister Location, or more specifically Circus Baby's Pizzaria. I think we'll find that the daycare attendant has been here all along. Below are a few key things I want to open discussions with the DCA fandom. Buckle up friends, and grab a snack or 3, because this is a long one. Let me know your likes, let me know your dislikes. (FYI general disclaimer that I bummed all these pictures from Google and that spoilers ARE contained below)

Personally, my theory is the DCA is an old funtime/toy animatronic from Cirus Baby's Pizzaria that was repurposed for one reason or another and brought to the PizzaPlex. Let's go over some of the reasons why:

Does the Daycare attendant fit with the Glamrock animatronics?

No. Not even a little. The Glamrocks are synonymous with neon signs, rock n roll, and 80s-early 90s vibes. Sun and Moon are based off of the naturally occurring satellites we see in the sky on the daily. Most FNAF theorist tends to unanimously state they simply "don't know what to do with the daycare attendant." It's understandable. They don't really flow with the rest of the SB cast animatronics.

You know who I think they do mesh with though? Circus Baby, Funtime Freddy, and Bellora. While one could argue they are not an exact fit, they certainly fit the circus designs far better than the Glamrocks. Sun with his striped pants, bells, ribbons, and poofy collar certainly give him more of a clown-like look (dare I even suggest, they look like a jester, Mimic fans?)

I've also always felt that Moon's speech patterns model Funtime Freddy's more than the Glamrocks or even Suns. They sound like preselected lines he's been programmed to say, rather than cohesive sentences most of the time with limited vocabulary usage, not unlike the lines delivered by the withered, Funtime, and Toy animatronics in Ultimate Custom Night. Phrases that sound innocent, but with the given inflection, they're obvious threats. Kellen Goff, the overly amazing voice actor for both the DCA, and Funtime Freddy stated once in an interview that the audition description for FF was "a voice that children would love, but adults would hate/fear." He nails that with Freddy, but, I think his performance with Moon warrants that description somewhat as well.

Another circus link I want to point out is this little devil right here:

Ballon Boy. He too blends in with the circus theme. It's also worth mentioning the arcade machine hidden within the DCA's room is Balloon World. Where in-game versions of Sun and Moon watch over any poor soul attempting to complete this flappy bird ripoff. Has anyone ever noticed that the arcade cabinet, and the game's home screen you start on, display a carnival tent?

Further, Kids Cove is linked to the daycare- the floor map shows us the shore of Kids Cove flows into the daycare, which flows to a flowery hilltop where the DCA's castle room sits. A pirate version of Foxy is the featured animatronic of Kid's Cove. In fact, every character cut-out you need to flash with the FazCam to access the DCA's room is a member of the original four: Freddy, Chica, Bonnie, and Foxy.

The DCA lore from Bobbiedots states the DCA was "an old stage animatronic" NOT specifically from the FazBear theater. Of course, no one can deny the FazBear theater is absolutely pointing us toward them being meant to be performing there. The artwork of the daycare has the FazTheater in the "sky" per the scenery, there's a sun framing the entrance banner, and Moon's patterns decorate the door. Additionally, both the comedy and tragedy masks line the banner.

Could it be they are older animatronics meant to be retrofitted and added to the lineup but were instead reprogrammed as the Daycare Attendant last minute or, were they performing an old throwback routine from their original pizzeria for a time before they were reprogrammeed? Or was it always the FazBear Theater from the get-go? I feel all these scenarios are somewhat plausible.

Sun/Moon make more rudimentary machine sounds than the other animatronics in SB. It's hard to describe the glamrocks and the endos just sound smoother, like well-oiled machines. While Sun's movements are fluid and the sounds he produces are rhythmic, he sounds more like a clock or wind-up toy than anything else. Moon flat-out squeaks- a LOT. Like he hasn't been oiled in years. (Admittedly, this could just be a subtle attempt by Steel Wool to help you deal with Moon during the generator section. It's dark as crap, and you CAN hear Moon coming far sooner than you see him.) You can listen to isolated sounds of Sun's mechanisms on the FNAF Wiki and you can hear Moon on any SB playthrough. I think their cable might also be considered rudimentary compared to the glamrocks as well, but, this is also a personal opinion that doesn't really have any evidence to back it up.

I could probably add a few more minor things, but I think I've given us all quite enough to chew on for now. I know I've failed to mention Eclipse this entire time. Without any additional lore, it's hard for me to decide whether he's the original version of Sun and Moon, or a brand new addition. Obviously, a lot of my theories here are either supported or thrown out the window based on which one is true. I'm okay with letting that lie for now until we (hopefully) get a more concrete answer from Scott or Steel Wool.

It seems like we'll be getting a Sun-based story in Tales #8 so I'm eagerly awaiting to see if that completely disproves my ideas, or gives them any merit. I certainly don't think I have them 100% figured out, but, I think the limited amount of lore regarding the origins of the DCA means Steel Wool's hiding something. I'm eager to hear everyone's thoughts! Thanks for coming to my Sun/Moon TED talk.

[underoossss]

the way you move - s.h – 3

pairing: jock!steve harrington x ballerina!reader

warnings: language, brief s4 mention, some angst

words: 1.5k

an: part 3 is here and they’re so so close to jumping! this hurt a bit to write but hurt comfort with Steve is always so wonderful to write. I hope you like this! Please let me know if you 💕✨

part 2

✰✰✰✰

There’s only been a few times when Steve’s felt helpless. One of them, that incident in the Upside Down. Even now, he’s sure he would’ve died if it wasn’t for his friends getting the bats off him. It had been hard to breathe or think back then, but he eventually found his footing once he had help and that allowed him to defend himself too.

Now though, he’s truly helpless. You’re crying in his arms, and he doesn’t know what to do.

It had been a normal day, a happy day even. Steve woke up and got ready for the day, then after a quick coffee and breakfast he set off to pick you up. You had ballet class at 11am as you did every Saturday and there had been a skip to Steve’s step at the thought of seeing you again. So he arrived to your house and picked you up at your door, hugging you close and breathing you in for a moment before leading the way to his car a big smile on his face as a result of your own.

You’d been excited all week for your teacher would be announcing the parts assigned for the nutcracker after Saturday practice. Steve had his fingers crossed so you’d get to be the fairy, not only for his own benefit of seeing you dance front and center at the theater, but for your happiness. You’d worked hard, never once complaining even as your feet hurt while you prepared to audition. Today you’d find out for sure though but showed no sign of nerves as you talked animatedly with Steve in the car.

Then that Bad Boys Blue song you love had played and the two of you sang along, off-key but happy; you, pretending to know French for some of it and Steve laughing at your ridiculousness. A warm feeling had fallen over Steve, and he knew he’d just fallen in love again with you. It happened every day, and when the studio was on sight, Steve was grateful to see it. Another moment with that smile of yours next to him and he would have done something stupid like kiss you silly.

Once at the parking lot, the two of you had bundled up for the cold weather and crossed the street to the studio. Then upon noticing Madame Laverne wasn’t there yet, Steve followed you inside where he leaned against the mirror and smiled while you got ready for class. You’d been wearing that black open-back leotard he loves on you, with a lilac chiffon skirt wrapped around your waist. The probable wrath we could have faced from your teacher had been worth it then, to see you look so pretty in front of him. When you heard a car park outside the studio, you’d ushered him out, laughing and smiling when Steve picked you up and spun you around in farewell. You’d bashfully said goodbye, knowing all eyes were on you and self-indulgently Steve placed a gently kiss on your cheek.

But then after practice, the day took a turn for the worse. You weren’t the sugar plum fairy, Agatha Francis was.

Steve had to give you credit for being an excellent actress though. He had no idea of what’d happened when he picked you up later that day. You’d left the studio with a bright smile, said goodbye to some of your classmates and skipped to his car where he had the passenger door already open and waiting for you. Steve assumed you were given the role you wanted, with how happy you looked. But when you wouldn’t meet his eyes and silently buckled your seatbelt, he began to wonder if something went wrong.

As he drove out of the parking lot, he glanced at you in worry. “Everything okay, babe? How did it go?” He’d asked and your happy façade vanished.

Big tears began cascading down your face and you pressed your lips together when they began to tremble. “Awful.” You’d whispered between tears, “awful, Stevie.”

It broke Steve’s heart, especially when he offered his hand out to you and you clung to it as he drove you home.  It wasn’t until you’d arrived at your house and Steve walked inside with you, that you let yourself crumble. The weight of your disappointment sat heavy on your hunched shoulders, and you let your bags fall on the floor in favour of hugging your arms around yourself. It tore Steve to pieces to see you like that and it filled him with another level of protectiveness he didn’t know he had.

“Oh baby, come here.” Steve gathered you in his arms, which is where you’re now. Your body curled up against his chest, legs over his thighs with your face hidden under his chin. Your cries don’t seem to stop, the disappointment you’re feeling overflowing in the form of cascading tears.

“They don’t know talent.” Steve huffs against your hair, feeling angry beyond words for you but keeping calm to help you. “You would’ve been a better fairy, beautiful. You know that.”

“I’m not good enough for that Stevie, they made it clear.” You sniffle between words, hugging him tighter and trying to make yourself smaller. Your voice breaks in between your next words and it hurts Steve even worse than a physical punch ever could.  “I’m playing a petal. A petal.”

“Then you’re going to be the best petal there ever was,” Steve’s voice is quiet but fierce with honesty as he holds you closer and kisses a spot above your brow. Fuck them for making his girl feel like this, no one gets to do that. “They won’t know what hit them.”

You shake your head against his chest, but Steve continues earnest in his reassurance. This isn’t like you, to get stuck in a negative mindset but then he supposes it’s hard not to be when your dream role was snatched away right in front of you. “They’re going to look at you and say, ‘why wouldn’t they make her the sugar plum fairy, that petal is so beautiful and talented the play should be about her.’”

When a weak laugh escapes you, Steve finally feels like he can breathe a little easier and his shoulders relax the tiniest bit. “Come on, look at me.” His thumb and index finger hook under your chin gently, bringing your gaze to his. You meet his eyes hesitantly and Steve gives you a small smile he hopes can comfort you.

“Their decision says nothing about you,” Steve whispers softly as he wipes the tears that have cascaded down your cheeks. “They lost the most talented lead. Let them bore people to death with Agatha, it’s their loss. Babe, you’re too talented to believe their choice has anything to do with whether you’ve got it.”

“Told you Agatha’s Madame Laverne’s favourite.” You murmur, brows meeting in the middle as you look away from his searching eyes. Yes, you’d told him so a while ago, right after you told him Agatha said you shouldn’t get your hopes up. God, no wonder you’re so hurt, you think she was right.

Steve kisses the wrinkle between your eyebrows away, not giving any second thought to you perceiving all the affection pouring out of him. “You’re mine.” He smiles brightly and is rewarded with the most beautiful teary smile of yours in return. “Okay? You’re my favourite; I’ll cheer so loudly for you they’ll kick me out.”

His words have the intended effect, they make you laugh despite your red eyes. They fall closed while you throw your head back. When your laughter fades you look at him, soft and teary eyes vulnerable with an ocean of affection. And Steve… he feels lightheaded with love, it takes all his willpower not to kiss you right there.

“You’re everything, Stevie.” You whisper as you look into his eyes, amazement and something terribly close love shining in the tears that gathered in your eyes. “You’re everything.” With a shake of your head, you lean closer and hug him tightly again. A wave of love bigger than a tsunami washes over Steve when you do, both of your hearts synchronizing immediately.

If he had any doubt your feelings weren’t the same as his, they’re close to none now. What he’s feeling is all-consuming and powerful; and it must be because it’s mutual. The very thought of it makes his heart skip several beats which he ignores to hold you close. He’ll hold you as close as you want, for as long as you want, because you’re everything too. His everything.

✰✰✰✰

Part 4

reblogs are always appreciated!

masterlist

[asterifish]

Here Always... // Seungmin x male reader

Synopsis: Seungmin has always looked up to and idolized m/n. After the two found out that they would be MCing together, Seungmin wrote a song for m/n, wanting ro impress the older male.

Type: One-Shot

Genre(s): 🍂(see pinned post for key)

Extra Notes: Reminder that 🪐 stands for M/n, and happy reading!! I know i said I'd post on Wednesday or Friday, but this story was available, so im posting it. Two stories will still be out on Friday!!

Story below the cut!!

"Seung, are you sure about this?"

It was early in the morning, and Seungmin had dragged Hyunjin and Chan to the studio to work on a song with him(everyone knows Chan wasn't sleeping anyway).

"Yes hyung, I really want to do this." The younger responded. He was currently spinning around in the studio chair, kicking his legs giddily.

It was 2 days ago that JYPE informed Seungmin that he was going to be MCing with Kang 🪐, and Seungmin was overjoyed. He'd run to Minho and wouldn't shut up about it. On Bubble and Fans, Seungmin would talk to STAYs about how excited he was. STAY (of course) noticed Seungmin's change in attitude, and were quick to spread the news.

"Okay mong-mong, tell me the story again." Hyunjin said, leaning on the chair across from the younger. Chan laughed and nudged Hyunjin, but didn't protest. He wanted to hear the story of how Seungmin and 🪐 had met.

"Seriously hyungs? I just told this story! Were you not listening?" Seungmin complained, but wasn't against the idea of telling the story again.

The two had known each other when they were children. 🪐 was 4 years older than Seungmin, so the younger had always looked up to 🪐. When they were in middle school, 🪐 had grown distant from everyone. Seungmin found out in highschool that 🪐 had started as a trainee and had missed a lot of class. When Seungmin graduated highschool and auditioned for JYP, 🪐 debuted and they lost contact.

"Aw Minnie, I'm sure he'll really like the song, don't worry about how things ended," Chan smiled and ruffled the youngers hair. "Here let's go over the chorus again, yeah?"

. . .

Day of Music Core, Seungmin was really nervous. He had gotten to the studio an hour early, and was anxiously locking and unlocking his phone. He'd greeted the group he was supposed to be interviewing, but he knew none of the members so he stayed at a distance. 🪐 had showed up 30 minutes after Seungmin got there, and was talking happily with the idol group, seeming to know 2 of the members.

Sighing, the younger male headed to the bathroom to wash his face with cold water. After standing there for a few minutes with the water running, a hand turned off the faucet. Almost jumping out of his skin, Seungmin turned around. Of course it had to be 🪐. Seungmin gave the male a small smile and moved to leave, but 🪐 took his hand.

"Hey Min? Can I talk to you for a few before we start?" 🪐's voice was quiet, but echoed in the empty bathroom. Seungmin looked up, eyes bright at the nickname. "Yeah! Whats up 🪐-hyung?"

🪐 smiled before taking a towel from the rack. Holding the youngers face, he began patting it dry. "Min... you've messed up your make up!" He smiled softly, but 🪐's smile faltered after a few seconds. Seungmin made a mental note of this and frowned, "Is everything okay?"

🪐 nodded and then took a makeup kit out of his pocket. "Here, sit down so i can fix this mess you made." 🪐 said, leading the younger to the window ledge. As 🪐 fixed Seungmin's make-up, the two caught up a little bit. Seungmin told 🪐 about his members, and 🪐 seemed really happy for the boy.

"I'm so glad you're following your dreams Seung! And... Im sorry we fell out of touch... I really just didn't know how to..." 🪐's voice trailed off as he moved away, done with the younger's make-up.

Smiling, Seungmin hopped off of the ledge. "Don't worry hyung! I promise im not mad or anything, everyone has their own reasons for why they do things! Im just glad that youre safe."

🪐 almost cried at Seungmin's words, pulling him into a hug. "Oh Seung, what would I do without you?"

"Probably die." The younger teased. Now that the two had talked, seungmin was less nervous. "Oh hyung... before we go back.. Can I show you something?"

🪐 smiled and nodded "of course! Whats up?"

Seungmin took out his phone slowly and took a deep breath. "I.. wrote a song for you... Chan-hyung helped me because I...."

Tapping Seungmin's shoulder, 🪐 smiled. "It's okay Minnie, I'm sure it turned out great!" Seungmin nodded and then pressed play on the track. Hus eyes watched 🪐 closely. The older male was swaying side to side, a small smile ln hus face.

When the song ended and the two were ealking towards the set, 🪐 nudged Seungmin. "I really liked the song Minnie, I'm really proud of you!"

Seungmin smiled and bowed his head shyly, fiddlibg with the mic in his hands. When it was time to record, instead of standing across the room from each other, they stood very close to each other. The recording went great, and 🪐 hung out with Stray Kids a lot more afterwards.

Works belong to @asterifish | reblogs and likes help me a lot!

[aemiron-main]

“Gay Henry Truthers Are Erasing An Interracial Relationship During The 50s”: No We Aren’t, The Struggles Of An Interracial Relationship Are Still Very Much Present Even With Gay Henry & You’re Actually The Ones That Are Erasing Key Aspects Of Both Henry and Patty

So, it’s weird to see people talking about how gay Henry analysis is “erasing an interracial love story in the 50s” as if people arent also trying to erase the story of a gay kid in the 50s & the HNL conversion therapy allegory & also erase the way that Patty’s feelings specifically being puppy love is a key part of her reclaiming her sexuality/rebelling against Mr Newby, and also the fact that even with gay Henry, the struggles of an interracial relationship are still very much present.

I just think it’s a bit odd and reductive to try and reduce it down to “gay Henry headcanons are erasing an interracial love story,” when a.) it’s not just a headcanon, it’s analysis of canon, and b.) part of Henry’s story is very much being gay and the heavy heavy conversion therapy vibes/comparisons with Hawkins Lab and Brenner and how that ties into Brenner and Henry’s dynamic AND the fact that the struggles of an interracial relationship in the 50s are STILL PRESENT with gay Henry, I’m not erasing a single thing in that regard- Henry still stands up for Patty/joins in with her at the audition after Walter makes racist remarks & Henry still goes on his dates with her & they still experience all of the same things that they would experience if Henry was straight- except with some added queecoding on top.

So, yeah. Enjoy Creelby all you want, but I do think it’s strange to try and twist the fantastic story we have here re: gay Henry and Patty & intertwining queerness with interracial relationship & the concept of “being normal,” into an “us vs them, you’re Morally Wrong for believing that Henry is gay,” debacle.

Like, could they be more obvious than the “I like the gay ones?” line from Patty? It’s not subtle. Not to mention the stuff that IS subtle re: Henry’s queercoding (him basically having his “boys only,” moment when he’s in the boys bathroom & Patty comes in & he says she’s not supposed to be in there), etc etc.

And also, ignoring the queer side of things also erases the intricacies of Henry and Patty’s dynamic with their parents. Here’s why:

So, I talked about this in my other post-TFS gay Henry post, but part of Henry’s reason for having a relationship with Patty/going on dates with her etc is due to Virginia’s emotional incest and the fact that Virginia doesn’t want him to be with Patty & that Virginia is jealous of Patty.

Now, you might be saying “but Em, isn’t rebelling against Virginia and being with Patty just a testament to Henry’s romantic love for Patty?” To which I say: no! And I say “no,” because Henry’s key “romantic” interactions with Patty happen after Virginia tells him not to be with her- it’s not that he was already asking her out on 5 million dates and super interested prior- he was happy to be around her & trying to be “normal,” etc prior to Virginia’s complaints about him being with Patty, but the main date etc happened AFTER that conversation between Henry and Virginia. Henry’s date etc with Patty is a response to Virginia’s controlling behaviour and emotional incest and Virginia’s jealousy towards Patty- Henry straight up asks Virginia if she’s jealous of Patty after Virginia says that she doesn’t want Henry around patty anymore.

So, this demonstrates how Henry may have not pursued a romantic relationship with Patty if he wasn’t a.) trying to be normal (which, Virginia literally makes him repeat “My name is Henry Creel and I am normal,” all the time), and b.) if he wasn’t trying to rebel against Virginia’s emotional incest and controlling behaviour.

And there’s also the Brenner aspect of all of this. I talked about this in another post, but in TFS, many of Brenner’s conversations with Henry tie heavily into themes of sexual assault and conversion therapy in a way that’s SPECIFICALLY tied to Henry being gay and Brenner talking about how Henry can never be “normal,” specifically in the context of going to prom/being around girls, and Brenner also talks about how “I know you like it,” re: trying to claim that Henry likes killing, but it’s written and set up in such a way that the subtext is definitely tied to “I know you like being assaulted by a man/by me because you’re gay and nothing can fix that/I’m not trying to fix you, because you can’t be fixed, and I know you like it,” which then later ties into Henry and stockholm syndrome vibes and Henry wondering if he belongs in the lab, and again, that stockholm syndrome and self-hatred vibe with Henry is specifically tied to his queercoding.

And when it comes to Patty, trying to act like her and Henry are this end-all-be-all true, reciprocated romantic love & ignoring the references to it being “puppy love,” and the direct Mileven parallels erases a key part of Patty’s dynamic (and trauma) regarding Mr. Newby, as Patty is afraid to perform in The Dark of the Moon not only because of the sexual aspect of the play, but SPECIFICALLY BECAUSE Father Newby would have an issue with her performing in a play with explicit material.

So, Patty’s puppy love with Henry/her feelings for him/going on dates with him are also rooted in rebellion against Mr Newby, just like how Henry going on dates etc with Patty is rooted in rebellion against Virginia and her emotional incest. Ignoring Henry’s queerness & how Virginia’s emotional incest pushes a queer boy towards being in a relationship with a girl AND also ignoring the way that Patty rebels against Father Newby by pursuing a rebellious puppy love relationship rather than “waiting for marriage/waiting for a relationship that’s Approved By The Church And Me Newby/a True Love Moment TM” really reduces the depth of both characters.

Like, one thing I actually really enjoy about the puppy love side of Creelby on Patty’s behalf is that Patty doesn’t have to justify her relationship with “oh but it’s True Love-“ instead, she’s simply doing it because she wants to, because it makes her happy, she’s finally getting to make her own choices and break away from Mr, Newby’s controlling behaviour. She doesn’t plead with Mr Newby about how “oh, it’s True Love, please let me be with Henry, I want to marry him and spend my life with him-“ instead, she takes matters into her own hands, and enjoys her little puppy love/fling without that “justification,” of “oh but it’s True Love,” and without continuing to try and appeal to both religious standards and Mr Newby’s standards.

And again regarding how Patty’s feelings for Henry/going on a date with him etc are tied to Patty’s dynamic with Mr Newby, Patty even has a line that she says to Henry, where she says “what are you, my dad?”

So, not only do we have the familial coding there coming from Patty, but we also have a connection between Henry and Mr Newby created via that line, which reinforces what I said about how Patty initiating a relationship with Henry isn’t just because she’s “deeply romantically in love with him,” but instead, is also very very connected to Patty’s dynamic with Mr Newby & the way he punishes and controls her & the effect that Mr Newby has had on Patty’s expression and understanding of relationships and sexuality.

There’s also the emotional incest aspect between Patty and Mr. Newby, as Mr Newby’s wife left him for Ted Wheeler’s dad- and so, Patty ends up filling that void in a weird way, and Mr Newby treats her more like a controlled wife than he does a daughter/child.

So, yeah. It’s just a little frustrating to see people try and claim some sort of moral highground re: interracial relationships and Creelby vs gay Henry while also ignoring the conversion therapy aspect of Henry’s story and how that plays into his dynamic with Brenner & Brenner’s abuse towards him, and while also ignoring the way that gay Henry/puppy love Creelby plays into both Henry and Patty’s dynamics with their parents. Frankly, that sort of attempt at moral highgrounding comes across as a “grasping at straws/trying to cope and find a moral highground because the evidence supports gay Henry,” approach, which again, is frustrating.

Like, gay Henry doesn’t erase the interracial aspect/struggles of Creelby at all- but people are trying to use Creelby’s status as an interracial relationship to sweep Henry’s heavy handed gay coding under the rug and sweep the fact that Patty’s feeling being puppy love is a key pert of her character under the rug, and prove that Creelby is a reciprocated, endgame-esque romance, which not only then erases key aspects of Henry and Patty’s characters and dynamics with their parents and with Brenner, but also frankly comes across as people trying to use the struggles of an interracial relationship as a way of “proving,” that a ship they like is endgame, while also erasing key aspects of those characters & it just feels disingenuous to try and use the fact that Patty and Henry are an interracial relationship as justification for why they’re endgame/as an attempt debunk gay Henry when that doesn’t work & when they’re reducing the depth of Patty and Henry’s characters in the process.

Like, is it just me, or is it weirder to flatten out the characters of an abused black girl and an abused gay boy simply because you want Patty and Henry to be endgame?

Hell, I ship romantic Creelby in a fanon way!! I have a bi Henry au!! But when we’re talking about analysis & trying to claim some sort of moral highground in that regard, I think it’s really important to consider what elements of character dynamics and story get erased when we remove key aspects such as the puppy love dynamic and Henry’s gayness.

[twopoppies]

Would you have a rolling stone subscription or any of your followers please? https://www.rollingstone.com/tv-movies/tv-movie-features/american-idol-lgbtq-contestants-1235027350/

It doesn't seem to be behind any sort of paywall for me, but I tend tp be cautious when reposting entire articles because blogs have been taken down for it before. Here's most of the worst of it, though. DM me if you want more and can't access it.

Travis wasn’t aware that he couldn’t carry a tune until his audition aired on TV a year later, in January 2006. Seated in the living room of the same halfway-house counselor who had driven him to the audition, he thought to himself, “God, I do suck.” But the realization was too late. His phone was already being blitzed with calls, first check-ins from friends and family members and then requests for interviews with People and Us Weekly. Soon after, Travis says the LGBTQ+ advocacy group GLAAD (which did not respond to a request for comment on this story) telephoned with the offer of taking action against Idol on his behalf. He thought to himself, “What the fuck did I just do?”

The public reaction to Travis’ off-key rendition of Whitney Houston’s 1993 single “Queen of the Night” is perhaps most succinctly summed up by the title of a YouTube video of the tryout: “American Idol Audition Boy or Girl.” Travis wore bell-bottom jeans in a feminine cut and a white tank top to his audition, pulling his wavy blonde hair behind his ears. Simon Cowell, infamously the harshest critic among the show’s original trio of judges, appeared horrified by the sight of Travis, his mouth agape. After Randy Jackson, the panel’s swing vote, kicked things off by asking the contestant to say “something interesting” about himself, Cowell asked, “That’s necessary, is it?” Cowell proceeded to stop Travis in the middle of his performance, which he called “confused.”

Travis has come a long way since Idol. After pivoting to a successful career in gay porn under the name Kirk Cummings, he retired from the adult entertainment industry and now works as a dog groomer, a profession he finds peaceful. But even 19 years later, he finds the footage of his audition tough to watch. As he left the studio in tears, editors added the theme music to The Crying Game, the 1992 film that uses the sight of a trans woman’s body to shock viewers. Today, Travis presents as male and uses masculine pronouns, but at the time of his audition, he had hoped to someday transition. He even had his new name picked out: Kelly. When he was incarcerated, others would try to dissuade him from pursuing a future as a trans person by telling him that it’s a “really hard life,” and Idol seemed to prove them all right. 

“I thought, ‘Wow, if this is how my life’s going to be, then I don’t want any part of it,’” he says. “My experience is not the normal experience of a trans person, but because I had chosen to be on a television show, I saw the worst of it.”

Open cruelty is no longer part of the Idol brand, now that the show is in its second run on ABC after Fox canceled the long-running program in 2015. The series, like much of contemporary reality TV, now trades on positivity, and the annual tradition of airing bad auditions has long been discontinued. But during the height of its popularity in the 2000s, schadenfreude was a major part of the show’s appeal. While launching the careers of instant household names like Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood, Idol was also the show where tens of millions of viewers watched Cowell tell Season Three contestant Heather Piccinini that she’s “ugly” when she sings and belittle Season Five’s Crystal Parizanski for overtanning; he even pulled Parizanski’s mother into the room to humiliate the contestant further. The show’s June 2002 premiere, in which Cowell advised a young woman to sue her vocal coach, made it clear what Idol would be selling.

That feed-them-to-the-lions approach made Idol the number-one program on TV six years running, the longest stretch at the top in broadcast history — but the show tended to prey on its most vulnerable contestants, perhaps unwittingly. Idol producers were forced to issue an apology after Cowell compared Season Six hopeful Kenneth Briggs, who has facial malformations due to Aarskog Syndrome, to a “bush baby.” Season Five’s Paula Goodspeed took her own life outside judge Paula Abdul’s home in 2008 after Cowell criticized the contestant’s metal braces following a performance of the Creedence Clearwater Revival/Ike and Tina Turner standard “Proud Mary.” Goodspeed was reportedly an obsessive stalker who changed her given name in tribute to Abdul, and the contest judge publicly criticized Idol’s producers for not doing more to protect her, saying she alerted them to Goodspeed’s behavior prior to the audition. (A spokesperson for the show did not comment on Abdul’s accusation at the time.)

Among those most targeted by Idol’s alleged abuses were anyone who was outside of the norm, as defined by the extremely narrow standards of Bush-era popular culture. This often included contestants who were experiencing mental health issues, individuals with disabilities, people of color, and plus-size singers like the late Mandisa Huntley, the Season Five contestant of whom Cowell infamously asked: “Do we have a bigger stage this year?” But Idol enjoyed a particularly contentious relationship with the queer contestants who hoped that the series would offer their big break into an unforgiving industry, many of whom had only started to come to an understanding of their LGBTQ+ identities. In another exchange condemned by GLAAD, Cowell told Travis’ fellow Season Five hopeful Charles Berry, who now is an out gay man, to shave off his beard and “wear a dress,” saying that he would make a “great female impersonator.”

Keith Beukelaer, whom Cowell famously called “the worst singer in the world,” knew immediately after his Season Two audition that it would end up being broadcast. “It’s something that I don’t know if I ever fully recovered from,” he says. “I remember it as if it was yesterday.” A devoted Madonna fan, he performed “Like a Virgin” in a green mock-turtleneck sweater, gyrating his body in sync with the song’s suggestive lyrics. Beukelaer has come to understand himself as having Asperger’s Syndrome, although he didn’t have the language for it at the time, and he came out as gay a few years after appearing on the program. He still struggles with the notoriety that his brief appearance on Idol brought, the decades of mockery that followed six minutes of air time.

Cowell did not return multiple requests for comment for this story. Neither did Jackson, longtime host Ryan Seacrest, or Idol creator Simon Fuller — who based the show off his own U.K. series Pop Idol, which aired from 2001 to 2003. But a source close to the production, who requested not to be named in this story, defended the show by affirming that “every single person who came on Idol, whatever their race, color, creed, or sexual preferences, was placed squarely in the firing line for Simon’s barbed critiques.”

[...]

What was a queer paradise for some, however, was a nightmare for others. Of those who spoke on the record, many say that Idol effectively forced them into the closet, and they believe it’s because the show was fearful that an openly queer contestant would alienate the show’s largely conservative viewership.

[...]

There was no rule saying that queer contestants couldn’t discuss their personal lives, but some singers say that Idol made it clear that some things were best kept secret. R.J. Helton, who uses they/them pronouns, went back into the closet and started dating a woman before they auditioned for Idol’s first season, hoping to make their family happy. Helton’s parents always envisioned that they would become a pastor or a Christian music artist, and when Helton’s boy band, the Soul Focus, went their separate ways, competing on Idol felt like a logical next step. Having recently broken things off with their fiancée, not wanting to live a lie, Helton began seeing their Idol stand-in during the season. Although they kept the romance a secret from producers, Helton says the other contestants knew. “None of them cared,” they say. “It was the first time that I felt accepted by a group of people.”

Idol producers never found out about the relationship, but the stakes were nonetheless made clear when executive producer Nigel Lythgoe, the show’s most influential creative voice, pulled Helton aside after seeing them exchange a friendly peck on the cheek with a male member of the crew. “Listen, we love you,” Helton says the producer told them. “We think you’re great, but let’s continue on the sweet side, with the Christian boy thing.” In their on-camera interviews and stage performances, Helton says they tried to tone down their natural ebullience, “butching it up” and staying as quiet as possible. A team of publicists, they recall, followed Helton everywhere “because they didn’t want me to break character.” 

In an email to Rolling Stone, Lythgoe asserts that he “never stopped any contestant from coming out” and says he “never would have done so.” “I did work with a number of individuals who, sadly, were struggling with issues around coming out, and I provided feedback that was very common at the time: that they should let their talent do the talking and not allow others to denigrate them based on their personal lives,” he says. “If anyone was hurt by my advice on those issues, I can only apologize, but I only ever wanted to help and support the wonderful young people who competed on the first seasons of Idol, several of whom, tragically, were torn between a desire to live their truth openly and a great fear about how they would be treated on returning home by their families, by their communities, and even by God.”

Helton, now with the clarity of hindsight, wishes they’d had the confidence to present their full self to America. After being dropped from their record label following a 2006 interview in which they came out as gay, Helton recently came to the realization of their nonbinary identity. “I know it was a different generation, but there are parts of me that think: ‘If I could have worn a gorgeous evening gown with a full beard, I could have won,’” Helton says. When producers would tap them on the shoulder to remind them, “Hey, we don’t talk about this,” it made Helton scared of losing the only affirmation they’d ever had. “As a young person, that really plays with your psyche, especially when you’re not used to the spotlight, loads of fans, or the money. You just do what you’re told. I don’t know if that’s selling your soul to the devil, but it did feel like that. They lifted me up, put me on a pedestal, and told me that the pedestal will only be there as long as I play this part.”

Helton’s fellow Season One cast member Jim Verraros has spent years in therapy working to unlearn many of the unfortunate lessons he says Idol taught him, namely that it wasn’t OK to be himself. That education began with the Pygmalion-esque makeover given to the show’s aspiring superstars: Idol immediately traded in his nerdy aesthetic — wiry glasses and jean jackets with the collar popped — for a generic rock look, sleeveless vests with leather cuff bracelets. He got contacts, lowered his voice half an octave, and put away what he calls the “theatrical and stage part of me that comes also from having deaf parents and being expressive.” “It comes at a cost,” he says. “When you’re told that you aren’t enough — or that this version of you doesn’t work — you spend a big part of your life taking parts away from you so that you can achieve those dreams.”

Although Verraros made the Top 10 of his season, he struggled with the role created for him, and the miscasting of a nebbishy gay Midwestern boy as a conservative-friendly heartthrob led to friction with the show’s creative team. Former co-host Brian Dunkleman, who emceed Idol’s first season alongside Ryan Seacrest, says he overheard Cowell and Randy Jackson discussing plans to directly target Verraros, hoping to get a strong reaction out of him that they could film. “We’re gonna nail Jim,” he recalls the judges saying as they were having coffee in an Idol break room. Cowell tended to reserve his harshest critiques of the show’s inaugural cast for Verraros, and following that discussion, he told the contestant live on air, “I think if you win this competition, we would have failed.”

Idol did get the emotional reaction it sought from Verraros in a scene that ultimately landed on the cutting-room floor. Prior to the announcement of the season’s Top 10 finalists, Dunkleman says that Cowell informed the contestants they would be using the “judges’ veto” to oust one of them from the show. “Jim, you’re out of the competition,” Cowell told Verraros, prompting the young singer to burst into tears. (That’s when Dunkleman recalls that Lythgoe came over and instructed everyone to sing a modified version of the Monkees’ “Daydream Believer” to brighten Verraros’ spirits. “Cheer up, sleepy Jim,” fellow contestants sang together in unison.) For reasons that are unclear, Lythgoe opted to backtrack on the judges’ decision, Dunkleman says, allowing Verraros to move forward to the next round after all. “Later that night, I was at dinner and I got a pretty frantic message from Nigel saying, ‘Look, there’s been a change. Jim is back in the competition. Just please don’t tell anybody about anything that happened today,’” Dunkleman remembers. “And then the next night he made the Top 10.”

Those incidents, Dunkleman adds, played a major role in his decision to part ways with Idol, calling the program “evil.” He also recalls that a judging panel needed to be refilmed so Cowell could call Helton a “loser” instead of a “monkey.” “That’s what it was,” he says of Idol. “It was about how mean they were. It was about how shocking this was and how much they were making fun of these singers.” He isn’t sure, though, why the show singled Helton and Verraros out in particular. “Is it conscious targeting or is it subconscious? That kind of undertone, maybe they weren’t even aware of it.”

[...]

AMERICAN IDOL often strained to fit queer contestants into an instantly recognizable mold that producers could market for the widest possible audience. Simon Cowell declared that he would quit the program if Sanjaya Malakar, an affable Season Six hopeful with a perpetual smile, won the competition. Malakar, who is half Bengali and performed with the Hawaii Children’s Theater during his time living in Kauai, was unlike any singer the show had ever seen. He was earnest and goofy, striding up to the judges’ table to dance with Paula Abdul during a performance of Irving Berlin’s “Cheek to Cheek.” He also straddled the lines of gender, flat-ironing his chameleonic locks for a winsome cover of John Mayer’s “Waiting on the World To Change.” After weeks of all but begging viewers to vote Malakar off the show, Cowell commented regarding the latter song: “Maybe it’s your hair that’s keeping you in. I don’t know.”

Malakar came out as bisexual many years after Idol was over, finding himself after taking a job at a karaoke bar in New York where he found freedom in anonymity. What was hardest for Malakar to navigate, he says, was not the constant scrutiny from Idol’s judges but the vitriolic reaction from fans. A MySpace blogger vowed to stop eating until Malakar was sent home, although the contestant outlasted the hunger strike, which ceased after 16 days. The website Vote for the Worst, which urged fans to subvert the Idol system by keeping on its quirkiest and most divisive contestants, took up Malakar as a personal cause.

Looking back, Malakar believes that it’s the ambiguity of how he presented that bothered people so much. The judges and viewers just couldn’t figure him out because, as a 17-year-old kid who hadn’t graduated high school yet, he hadn’t figured himself out. “There was no way to really understand how to define me,” he says. “They didn’t know what culture I was. They didn’t know what sexuality I was. They didn’t know what genre I was. I was this anomaly that made people uncomfortable.”

The queer singers who had the most painful time being reshaped by the Idol system were those who stood out the most, whether they were flamboyant and over-the-top in their performance style, like Malakar, or their gender presentation skewed toward the effeminate. Season Eight runner-up Adam Lambert — who declined to speak for this story, citing his shooting schedule for The Voice Australia, on which he is a judge — has said that queer contestants who didn’t have the ability to hide were used by Idol as “comic relief.” “Anytime someone came on the show that was perceived to be gay or it was obvious enough that they were gay, they were a joke,” he remarked to the British music magazine NME in a 2018 interview. He added: “To be fair, some of them weren’t great singers, but there were a couple of really good singers that came on. And they weren’t taken seriously.”

To illustrate his point, Lambert noted the example of Adore Delano from Seasons Six and Seven, who would later contend on the reality competition show RuPaul’s Drag Race. Delano declined to participate in this story, but in a 2023 Instagram video publicly announcing her transition, she said that she went back into the closet to compete on Idol. Appearing on the show led her to suppress her transness in order to present herself as “something that was so uncomfortable,” she recalled. And yet her effervescent femininity couldn’t be contained: During her second appearance on Idol, she performed a sassy rendition of “Jailhouse Rock” by Elvis Presley that Cowell deemed “hideous” and “verging on the grotesque.” Delano was ultimately eliminated from the Top 16 after a performance of Soft Cell’s queer anthem “Tainted Love” that Cowell declared “absolutely useless.” She dyed her silky hair purple for the number.

Like Delano, Atlas Marshall auditioned for Idol twice, making it to the Top 36 in Season Eight and then trying out again for Season 16. Both experiences were extremely fraught. Following a performance of Meat Loaf’s “I’d Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That)” during her first appearance on the show, Cowell looked at Marshall and remarked, “I think you probably would.” Even as a guileless 18-year-old with frosted emo bangs and angel-bite piercings, Marshall realized it was a “loaded comment.” “The joke around that song is that it’s about anal sex,” she says. After the audience booed Cowell’s remark, Ryan Seacrest, then the show’s sole emcee, invited Marshall to come sit on the judge’s lap, but Paula Abdul intervened and beckoned the contestant to rest on hers instead. Marshall was voted off Idol the next day.

[...] Marshall’s mother, who recently passed away, was a lesbian, and she raised her child in a queer household where it was OK to be “open, flamboyant, and fabulous,” as Marshall recalls. Being taught by Idol that the outside world might mock the parts of herself she was taught to embrace was a rude awakening. “For so long, there was a lot of shame around it,” she says of her first Idol experience. “I felt gross. I didn’t like myself.”

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While the team behind Idol’s current iteration did not offer a comment on the record, the source close to the Fox production contests the idea that the show stopped contestants from expressing their most authentic selves, while adding that “coming out might have damaged certain contestants’ chances for success.” “No one ever prevented anyone from doing so, but there was often a sense — right or wrong — that it would be better if the American public’s vote was based more on their judgment about the performers’ talent rather than their sexual orientations,” the source says.

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Although it would feel convenient to point the finger solely at Idol, the show at its peak reflected America’s culture as much as it defined it. When the series premiered in 2002, polling from Gallup showed that 43 percent of the U.S. populace still thought homosexuality should be illegal; Lawrence v. Texas, the Supreme Court ruling that struck down sodomy laws in the 14 states where gay sex was still illegal, wouldn’t be issued for another year. A majority of Americans wouldn’t support the right of same-sex couples to marry until 2011, during Idol’s tenth season on the air. That was also, coincidentally, the first season not to feature either Paula Abdul or Simon Cowell on the judges panel. Abdul, hailed by sources as a major supporter of queer contestants behind the scenes, parted ways with the program after Season Eight. Cowell left the following year to launch the U.S. spinoff of The X Factor, the British singing competition he created in 2004.

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For all the troubles that some queer contestants say they had on the show, many argue that Idol’s missteps paled in comparison to how cruelly they were treated by the rest of the media, the music industry, and even America at large. Idol voters eliminated Season Seven’s David Hernandez the week after an Associated Press story revealed that he had previously worked as a dancer at a Arizona strip club that catered to a “mostly male” clientele. By that time, photos that allegedly showed Hernandez bartending at a gay nightclub had already been published on Vote for the Worst, although Hernandez says the pictures weren’t even of him. He says that Idol was already well aware of his work history by the time the reports surfaced, as he disclosed the information in the extensive questionnaire the show required contestants to complete; spanning over 100 pages in length, it also asked singers to name their past sexual and romantic partners.

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The media persecution of queer Idol contestants was so de rigueur during the show’s imperial era that few even questioned it. Jim Verraros’ coming out in 2002 prompted a two-page spread in the Globe, a U.S. supermarket tabloid, asking: “Who’s Next?” Chatter surrounding Adam Lambert’s sexuality made the New York Times after photos circulated of the singer, eyes covered in makeup and glitter all over his face, locking lips with another man. Following the Season Two finale, Clay Aiken says that the first question that he was ever asked by a reporter was: “Are you gay?” He wouldn’t formally come out until a 2008 People magazine cover story coinciding with the birth of his son, and for years, he says, confirmation of his sexual orientation “was the only thing that anybody in the press wanted” from him. “I never did an interview where somebody was not trying to ask me if I was gay,” he says, later adding: “Everybody wanted to be the one who got it.”

Aiken says that speculation regarding his sexuality reached such a fever pitch that, for a time, he stopped leaving his house. Even then, there was no hiding from it: “If I heard anybody setting up a gay joke on a sitcom or a late-night show, I held my breath because I knew my name was coming. Eighty percent of the time I was right.” The topic was a frequent punchline of late-night host Jimmy Kimmel, who frequently booked Aiken to appear on his show, and comedian Kathy Griffin spent a full 15 minutes discussing Aiken’s sexuality in a 2005 stand-up special on Bravo. “I do find him to allegedly be the gayest man in the free world,” she said in the routine, calling him “Gayken” to hearty applause from the crowd. Even two years after he had actually come out, a Season Eight episode of Family Guy saw Stewie, during a parody of Family Feud, being asked to name a “popular fruit” and responding: “Clay Aiken.” “I laugh at them now,” he says of the jokes, noting that he calls Griffin a friend. “I find them hilarious now, but at the time, it hurt a lot.”

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