#&*' lucius forrest / v; main.

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                                 @montanamiracle​​   ||| :   cont.

“I’m sorry!”

Instantly hands went up, practically scampering away from him.  It was unbelievably stupid of her to try to grab him, no matter how badly she wanted to comfort and help him.  The amount of hell he’d been put through over the years was enough to break even the strongest of souls.  Maybe once long ago he would have confided in her touch, even though she’d only known him for a short while, but she couldn’t imagine the war going on in his brain and the last thing she wanted to do was contribute to that.

“I’m sorry,” Gwen whispered one more time as she quietly watched him, her heart aching as he trembled, but she continued to slightly stay in her spot, letting him work through it.  She wouldn’t leave him, of course she wouldn’t leave him, and whatever he needed when the battle calmed- comfort, words, silence, normalcy- she’d give it.  But for now she just stayed quiet, praying that soon he’d find peace.

he’s quick to rise to his feet      when he notices her hand reaching for him, stumbling back a step from the rush to get away, eyes wild with panic and hostility, determined to fight if he has to, to protect himself. he’s trembling like a lone leaf against a strong wind — a dried leaf, that is ready to crumble at the slightest touch, while he’s looking towards her. though while his eyes are directed right at her, it’s as if he’s looking straight through her, his mind seeming to be elsewhere; drawn back to a time where someone trying to grab him meant nothing good. 

times of which there has been too many to count...

lucius vividly remembers the sensation of hands locked tight around his arms, his neck — the nails digging into his skin, fingers grabbing his hair and shoving his head underwater, holding him there... water filling his lungs, the magic in his veins forcing it back out again and keeping him alive, only for the water to fill his lungs all over again... and again, and again... constantly drowning, unable to draw a breath, yet never dying. the memory so strong that it feels like he’s there all over again.

then comes her apology, quiet and soft, which causes mild confusion to arise on his features; her words not corresponding with what his mind is trying to convince him; that he’s in danger, that he has to fight, to get away. it’s as if he’s got one foot in the present and one in the past; his mind showing him flashes of a terrifying and painful past, yet his eyes showing him a harmless present, where gwen has backed off and is apologizing, and he’s not quite sure which to trust; his eyes, or his mind.

blinking a couple times, eyes glassy and breath labored, it feels like there’s not enough air, causing him to take a deep, shaky breath. his gaze carefully drifts from her to look around the room, taking in the fact that there’s still no one else here. just him and her. 

he’s safe.

yet he struggles to BELIEVE it.

[moe-broey]

@clover-fieldss I can delete this if it's embarrassing lmfao BUT I WANTED TO SAY. You are absolutely so fucking right about this, put it into words well too!!!

Like w Genshin the most you get is different heights and bust sizes for the women lmfao, so far Itto is the only guy who's muscular (and even then, you look at Itto's art and model and then you look at FEH art for like Mustafa and there's. A difference there!). And there is the aspect of Genshin characters being 3D models, but I almost feel like that should make having more variety easier going forward if you just establish a new body type? Bc you can tell characters tend to have the same model, with just a few adjustments maybe to height or face (like I think it's really noticeable when you look at Ayato and Zhongli side by side, and Kazuha and Aether).

And also!!! Given that we are getting a new body type actually, come Sumeru, that sort of shows like yes it ofc it would take some work behind the scenes but it can be done! Kusanali and Dori having the new body type, which is shorter and smaller than the short girls (like Yanfei) but taller than the babies (Qiqi and such). So it is doable! (Hell, also. Thinking more. There are NCPs who are fat, both men and women! So like why not work off their models to create some playable characters and go from there!)

Unfortunately, I think it just has everything to do w like. What's profitable, and some really shitty attitudes about fat people that are noticeable in Genshin (a lot of girls have lines about being careful about how much they eat and like. I hate it lmfao girl I'm begging you to enjoy yourself and live comfortably). BUT ALSO LIKE. And I'll say this about how I Really Wish They'd Make More Black/Brown Characters Too. If you're a company w an extremely popular and profitable gacha, with like one million fucking characters, girl you can afford to throw in some variety. ESPPP w how Genshin's banners work, how there's always the five star who's the main focus and then three four stars alongside them. Like if you're REALLY worried about profits, put a character you're worried about not doing so well for whatever reason next to the shiny five star and bam. People will pull for the five star anyway. The worst you'll get I think is like, some weirdos being extremely weird about it in shitty corners of the internet.

BUT. Yeah. I just have v strong feelings about this sort of thing w Genshin in particular, maybe cause I feel like there's a lot of untapped potential. And also bc I do really love how the characters are designed as well. I esp love the variety in the men, where I feel like other gachas/franchises in general just aren't doing it the way Genshin is? Like w FE you def have gnc men, but they tend to fall into specific tropes (like the pretty blondes that are often mistaken for women, Libra, Lucius, Forrest, and the purple pretty guy who's mlm like Yuri and Leon). There are certainly others who fall outside of the tropes, like Soren, and some special outfits for characters that don't conform to masculinity (bunnyfonse and Valentine's Alfonse my beloved), but like. I can't really name a FE character who's gnc in the way Aether and Venti are, for example. And something else that I love about Genshin is you can have two guys who are gnc but each has their own way of portraying it that feels in line for them, that feels like it reflects on their personality (Aether and Venti again!!!).

I guess the TLDR here is it sucks to suck and we could've had it all LMFAOOO (AND in my heart Charlotte is buff as hell to the point where I forget she doesn't have visible muscles in canon. We could have had it all........... 😔😔😔😔)

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                                            MEMES   /   ACCEPTING. @chokethelight​ sent: ❛ you’re avoiding my question. ❜ - erik jackson @ lucius forrest

❛❛   yes. yes, i am. so perhaps you      should just stop asking,  ❜❜      while the way he phrases it makes it sound like a suggestion, the annoyance in lucius’ voice clearly suggests otherwise. of course, there’s no guarantee that erik will respect his wishes, but he can always hope, can’t he? perhaps it’s just the booze talking, but he’s had enough of people asking prying questions. reminds him too much of his bad experiences with therapy. it’s not so much the questions themselves that bothers him, more so how whatever he says in response always ends up being picked apart and judged.

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                                        MEMES   /   ACCEPTING                @huntrcsss​ sent: “you should see the other one.” (for lucius!)

he shouldn’t expect anything else at this point.      theo is clearly of the type to brush things off as less serious than they are in actuality. making flippant jokes when she’s very clearly injured. yet, as unsurprising as it is, he can’t help the small sigh leaving him, mild concern written on his features.      ❛❛   ... you’re bound to get yourself killed one day, you know.   ❜❜      he says, as he walks over to her.      ❛❛   i think i might be able to heal that for you...   ❜❜      he offers, giving a small nod at her injury.

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                                                  MEMES   /   ACCEPTING.                                     @tricksterreformed​ sent: 💬 for Lucius

❛❛   what the hell are you talking about?   ❜❜

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                             @seesgood​   /   random oc starter call.                                        random number: 1  random muse: lucius

he’s found himself a solitary spot      on a set of stairs outside the bar, the one he’d been frequenting lately and who, for some reason, has decided that he’s not allowed in there anymore. part of him is glad he doesn’t remember why that is, though another part of him curses the fact that it looks like he’s gonna have to find a new place to go to from now on. just as he lights up his cigarette does he hear some footsteps behind him. glancing over his shoulder, lucius notices the blonde, and from the short second he takes to look her over, he can’t help but get the feeling that something seems off. though, considering he’s sitting outside a bar, he figures maybe she’s just had too much to drink, and so, he doesn’t spend much more time staring at her, instead facing forwards again and looking straight ahead.      ❛❛   ... you all right?   ❜❜      he gently asks over his shoulder, figuring he should at least check if she’s okay or not.

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                                         𝐌𝐄𝐌𝐄𝐒   /   𝐀𝐂𝐂𝐄𝐏𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆 @sunkiisscd​​ sent: “ I feel like I’m pulled back in time to when it happened. I know rationally that it wasn’t my fault, but it still feels like it was. " malcolm bright @ lucius ( have both bc i couldn't pick )

❛❛   at least you know rationally that it wasn’t your fault.      that’s a good start if you want to work on having your emotions match with those thoughts instead of having to feel the guilt you’re currently feeling.   ❜❜      lucius wished he could say the same for himself, but both his thoughts and feelings were on the same page that he had a lot to feel guilty for. and for a long time, he had allowed that guilt to eat away at him, destroy him, even. that is until he’d found a way to at the very least put it to good use, by promising himself to strive to do better, and by helping others when he could.

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                                              MEMES   /   ACCEPTING @cultkiid​ sent: “what, are you blaming me for giving them what they want?” ( lucius please! )

❛❛   YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THEY WANT THIS?   ❜❜      his voice is quiet, yet there’s a venom in his tone that speaks to the cold anger that he’s currently feeling. looking at her and what she’s doing is eerily a lot like looking at his past self; a version of himself that he now hated with every fiber of his being.

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                                       𝐌𝐄𝐌𝐄𝐒   /   𝐀𝐂𝐂𝐄𝐏𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆 @iamdarcylewis​ sent: “ we have different ideas of things that are definitely something. ” (for lucius)

they certainly had.      though it wasn’t just her who had different ideas than him on that front, it was everyone. he’d found that most people always made big fuzzes over things that in his eyes was nothing — like now, with darcy. he’d seen it all, been through it all, so naturally, most things became insignificant to him in comparison, and it became difficult to really care, or be excited, or shocked, or surprised, or scared at things, even though he knew that he should be... then on the flip side, the things that he thought was something, most people didn’t even seem to notice or care about. all in all, it made him feel disconnected from everyone. once upon a time, he would’ve at least been able to fake it, but now he didn’t even manage that.      ❛❛   i know... i’m sorry.   ❜❜      it’s all he can think of to say. to apologize for not having the ‘‘appropriate,, reaction or response, which he was so painfully aware of.

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                                         𝐌𝐄𝐌𝐄𝐒   /   𝐀𝐂𝐂𝐄𝐏𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆       @astwisted​ sent: ❛  here’s to hoping there is more.  ❜ u already kno

❛❛   and here’s to wishing there wasn’t...   ❜❜      he doesn’t make any attempts to sugar coat how he feels, though he does make an effort to hold back the emotions from showing on his face, hiding it behind a small, strained smile that doesn’t at all reach his eyes. it had become a pattern during their sessions; for him to bottle up his emotions any time they talked about topics that were difficult for him. like a pot over an open flame, he was keeping the lid on, and it was only a matter of time until it all boiled over, unless he started to open up emotionally.

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                 SEND ‘🥃’ TO FIND MY MUSE DRUNK   /   ACCEPTING                             @huntrcsss​ sent: 🥃 (for lucius!)

it had been a little over week      since he’d learned the hard way that he still possessed his immortality. that no matter how hard he tried, there was no end in sight. that even with íllra gone, he was still forced to live with his guilt, with his nightmares, with his memories... with himself... forever.

since then, lucius had avoided everyone like the plague, and his already bad drinking habits had gotten much, much worse.

how theo had managed to find the most recent bar he frequented, he had no idea. but then again, he was barely able to form a single clear thought at the moment. it took a second from when she’d called out to him, for him to register, but when he did, he turned his head to look at her.

fantastic. as if he didn’t already loathe himself enough without the reminder that he had ruined plenty of people’s lives, including theo’s, due to his own stupidity ages ago. something that he would never be able to take back or change or make up for.

a humorless smile formed at his lips, contempt in his eyes as he scoffed at her.

❛❛   oh, great. the last person i wanna see! my day just keeps getting better...   ❜❜      the slight hostility aimed at her is not because lucius had anything against her. if anything, it stemmed from the guilt that arose within him upon seeing her, and the fact that he had no means of escaping those feelings. so perhaps he was hoping that by being cold towards her, she would simply leave him be.

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                                       @myuuzupunk​   ||| :   cont.

Lacey feels very weird about the turn in roles. Usually they’d be saying the same thing to Lucius about now. However she’s sitting here, grasping at Lucius’s arms for grounding effect and struggling to breathe. “íllra. . . somehow he got my sisters to leave the house and. . . And somehow the cult found them. I don’t know what to do, I -- can’t breathe.” They’re sweating profusely, unable to steady themself. “What do I do?”

it doesn’t come as much as a surprise to lucius.      he knows exactly how íllra thinks and likes to operate, so if anything, the news only makes him frustrated and angry inside. though he forces himself to remain calm for lacey’s sake, who was naturally struggling not to panic. gently placing his free hand on theirs, he looks at them.      ❛❛   hey, it’s going to be okay.   ❜❜      he’s fully aware that just words are not going to help, and that any time spent talking would likely just feel like a waste of time that could be better spent trying to help their sisters. and so, he adds;      ❛❛   i’ll help you find them and bring them back safe. i promise you. i don’t care what it takes.   ❜❜

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                                         𝐌𝐄𝐌𝐄𝐒   /   𝐀𝐂𝐂𝐄𝐏𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆 @myuuzupunk​ sent: “some things should be done without magic.” - uhhhhhhh lacey to lucius this time

❛❛   if you’re trying to make me feel guilty,      there’s no need. i already feel plenty of guilt...   ❜❜      voice hoarse, there’s dark circles underneath his eyes, the eyes themselves dead, hair greasy and unkempt, and a cold sweat dampening his brow. sitting there, he looked half-corpse from his lack of self-care over the past few weeks. and he certainly felt it. last time he’d seen lacey, it had been while he was still possessed. the things he’d been made to say or do were things he’d have never done had he had any free will at the time. nonetheless, he can’t deny the fact that none of it - NONE OF IT - would have happened, had it not been for his childish wish as a teenager to be granted magic in the first place.

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                                    @heartlanded​   ||| :   cont.

      “ it’s hardly a question of  if —— you can’t, not while it’s made a dwelling place of you. it’s a question of how to get it out, ”     the angel states, then falls silent. no one ever educated him in the art of delivering comforting roundabouts. but the truth is, in most cases, far more useful.       “ now, you would know this monster better than anyone else. if anyone can start to figure out how to expel it, that would be you. ”

it’s a truth he already knows.      even now, standing here, he’s not really in control, he just has the illusion of it... still, it’s a hard pill to swallow, that there is no way out of this. that there is nothing he can do. that his life is no longer his to control, and might never be again... it’s true, he knows íllra better than anyone. he knows his real name, for one. he knows he’s a god. he knows what world he’s from. yet, as his mouth opens slightly to speak, his throat immediately tightens, refusing to let any sound out.

even now, standing here, he’s not really in control...

there’s a hint of panic flashing in his eyes, and — fearing that he’s going to lose what little control he’s been permitted to have at the moment — he does the only thing he can think of, and steels himself as he shakes his head.      ❛❛   no, i don’t know anything.   ❜❜      his lips press together. an obvious lie, but it’s the only way he knows how to save himself some more time. resistance will only result in being trapped inside himself again.

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                                         𝐌𝐄𝐌𝐄𝐒   /   𝐀𝐂𝐂𝐄𝐏𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆 @astwisted​ sent: “ then we can’t be sure until we see it with our own eyes.” u know who

❛❛   ‘we’ can’t be sure?   ❜❜      he repeated, with emphasis on the ‘we’, as he stared at her with an incredulous look, a short scoff leaving his lips.      ❛❛   no,   ❜❜     shaking his head, he subconsciously shifted to sit at the edge of his seat, clearly getting more heated.  his voice that had usually stayed at a constant low throughout their sessions, gradually grew louder now that annoyance ignited within him (just as something else ignited within him as well. something that had laid dormant up until now); 

❛❛   no, YOU can’t be sure!   ❜❜      he corrected her, fingers of his right hand digging into his knees, not noticing the HEAT starting to emanate from them.      ❛❛   you think because i don’t have tangible proof that you’re right and i’m wrong. that i’ve just lost my fuckin’ mind, yeah? that i’m just delusional or- or having some kind of psychotic break, maybe?   ❜❜      a slight trail of smoke started to rise into the air from underneath his fingertips, burning a hole into the fabric underneath, but he didn’t seem to notice as he went on;      ❛❛   that i’m just another puzzle for you to solve? — well i’m NOT.   ❜❜      

he was standing up now, hands balled into fists at his side, another thin, gray cloud escaping from his grip at the movement. he was done with this. done with having people trying to fix him because they couldn’t find it in themselves to believe in something they could not see. it was bad enough he was struggling to remember at all, and to discern which memories were his own and which were not. he didn’t need people sowing further doubt into whether any of the memories — his or not — were even real to begin with.

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                                         MEMES   /   ACCEPTING.                                      @astwisted​​ said:¡ YOU KNOW WHO

send ¡ for a random starter!

he’s been smoking heavily on the way over      in an attempt to cover up the scent of alcohol on his breath. admittedly, he had completely forgotten about his appointment today until he received the reminder on his phone, though by then, he had already been several glasses in. and it wasn’t even noon yet. he’s late by ten minutes when he’s at the door to her office, giving a few knocks before shifting to let himself lean against the door frame as he waited for the door to open. and when it did, he was quick to say;      ❛❛   sorry ’m late. i f— forgot we had an appointment today.   ❜❜