#& they said theyve been hoping and working hard for this to one day come true

[chooey]

really wanna own a pair of boots but. good quality boots? in this economy?????

[sangyeonsmuse]

BREAK THE WALLS | Kim Hongjoong

Chapter 16 | Chapter 17 | Full Chapter List

🀥 Government agent Hongjoong x Rebel Oc

🀥 genre | dystopian society, halazia x geurilla concept , enemies to lovers

🀥 word count | 1.1k

🀥 Summary | An organization by the name of Sector 1 was well known for their work in the underground, theyve been well known for the recruiting of teens and using them to form an army since the year 2034. Collecting strays for their rebellion against those in higher power. Now the year is 2064 and the organization still runs strong they run like a family, with the new technology theyve found ways of keeping alive those that have been scorned in any past battles theyve had against the government.

When the government sends in 7 of their best men to infiltrate the organization. What will they do when their cover is blown and their true intentions are revealed? Will they join the rebellion or will they continue to let the government pull their strings like the little puppets they once were?

Skylar district May 10th 2064

The guys all sat silently as they waited for Jongho and Tahani to return from their meeting with Mingyu. Today was the day they had been practicing for, the day that would decide if they were worthy of being there at the Sector. Finally the turn of the doorknob and click of the door was heard as Jongho, Leedo and Tahani all enter the room.

"Its time." At their words all of the guys shared a look before following Jongho and Leedo out the door. Tahani was the last to make a move, stopping hongjoong mid walk before he could make his way out the door.

"Joong..I just wanted to tell you good luck. I dont really know what your test will be nor can I tell the outcome but..you all practiced hard for this. Show Mingyu he made the right choice keeping you here. For a moment he just stood there staring into the girl's eyes. He wasn't sure what came over him but he hoped that he wouldn't end up regretting what he had done next. Without thinking he took her face into his hands and pressed a kiss against her lips.

"Trust in me Tahani." Was all he said before leaving out and making his way to the arena to join the others.

As Tahani took her seat next to jongho in the stadium there was a distant look in her eyes as her brain forced a replay of the kiss over and over again. It was her first kiss and he had taken it from her so easily, but how come she wasn't mad about it.

"What took you so long?" Jongho nudges her, forcing her out of her thoughts.

"Mingyu asked me to gather the daggers." She lied at ease before setting her sights down onto the large arena. Just as there were when had her own evaluation 30 recruits stood in the middle of the arena. This time was different. This would be the first time she got to watch from the outside, usually she chose to skip out on the Evaluations the last couple of years but this one was one she was heavily anticipating.

The familiar alarm rang through the arena, silencing everyone in the crowd and gaining the attention of all that had been standing out on the arena grounds. Then just as it had back then Mingyu's voice sounded loud and proud as he spoke his famous speach out over the loudspeakers.

"Members of Sector 1 the 30 you see before you will now be put through a series of tests, these tests will determine if each of them are fit and skilled enough to become part of this family. The annual half year evaluation will commence in three, two, one." and just as it had back then that large forcefield like dome formed around the arena but this time all Tahani could was anxiously view from the outside. Minutes seemed to turn into hours as she watched recruit after recruit leave the arena to join them in the stadiums after completing their simulations. Tahani felt a lot of weight slip off her shoulders at the 5 familiar faces she had seen amongst the ones that had passed their trials, but there was still one person who hadn't made it back. When the large overhead screen finally displayed hongjoongs name Tahanis breath caught in her throat and her heart beat out of her chest. 'Come on Joong'

Meanwhile in his simulation hongjoong found himself back at the Alaura fighting for his life. Twenty nine different faces and every one of them seemed to be aiming at hongjoong. Of course he was able to handle many of them no problem but when it all came down to the final person he wasn't sure what to do when he faced the very last person he'd have to rid of in order to complete his evaluation. Eden.

When Seonghwa and the others saw Eden's face hit the screen they froze in their seats. What no one knew was Mingyu sat up in the announcers box with his eyes fixated there on the screen. He knew very well who Eden was to hongjoong, this was the very thing he needed to test the man's loyalty to the Organization.

"Father..." hongjoongs voice went faint as he stared at the man before him, that same man didn't hesitate in charging for hongjoong with his knife. Though part of him felt conflicted, part of him also knew that at some point this time would come. The time for him to choose between the man that raised him, and the girl that saved him. In the end he chose her. So without thinking of the man as his father, without thinking of the consequences he dug the knife into the man's neck. In the blink of an eye the weapons disappeared from his hand, the bodies cleared and the dome disappeared from the arena revealing hongjoongs tired and confused face.

Once again Mingyu's voice rang loud over the speakers "Kim Hongjoong, Evaluation complete, Simulation was a success." The crowd emits into a fit of cheers and hongjoongs eyes instantly locked with Tahani. Though Tahani was happy that hongjoong had successfully passed his evaluation as he looked down at the man she could tell he was a little broken.

Mingyu watched from his seat as Hongjoong exits the arena and then his eyes shot to Tahani who had been rushing out from the stadium.

"Looks like you've lost everything brother." Was all he said to himself as he stood from his seat and exited the announcers room.

Tahani was the first to find hongjoong after she left the others back in the arena. He had been quietly looking up at the large screen of the memory room, his eyes fixated on the scene that everyone had seen only moments ago.

"I now realize that being part of this family means letting go of everything. Everything. For so long I considered this man my father and even though he lied to me, lied to us I still think of him like that. I know that eventually the time will come that I have to actually make this choice, but I'd never thought it'd hurt so much seeing the man that lied to me all my life die by my hands." Tahani didn't speak a word. She simply makes her way over to him, pulls off the wired helmet and engulfs him into a hug.

She couldnt say she knew exactly what he was feeling but she did know it must have been hard for him. Finding out your whole life was a lie, knowing youd have to see the one person you looked up to die. That couldn't have been easy to grasp. She spent that entire night in silence with him, just letting him hold her because she knew right now he needed someone more than ever.

[sokkas-honour]

Hi there! Could you write for your #30 for your music playlist? Zuko x reader 😁😁 thank youuu!!!!

nothing has changed - zuko x reader

pairing: zuko x fem!reader

wc: 2.3k with lyrics

notes: reader is katara & sokka’s older sister! this time the lyrics are in bold + italic so that you don’t confuse them with the flashback + dream scenes, not that i think you would but just in case.

warnings: mention of sibling problems, if there’s anything else feel free to lmk!!

-

nothing's quite the same, as it has been on those familiar days,

as the night sky reigned above the fire nation, zuko looked out the window of his palace bedroom, memories flooding back from his time travelling around the world, away from his nation. wether it had been looking for the avatar or actually working with him, you had always somehow been there. first as his enemy, then as his friend, then as his lover.

he remembers the days where you’d find yourself fighting each other; he would attack you with his fire bending while you’d land hits with your battle club, knife or your whales tooth scimitar. when he’d feel nice, back in his avatar hunting days, he’d solely use his duel swords to make the playing field more even but he’d constantly forget that you were able to handle yourself even against benders. he had always found you to be beautiful and the tension between the two of you when you fought was undeniable.

he remembers when he tried to make amends with team avatar and even try to join, he remembers your initial reaction to it. you sided with your sister, not liking the idea of the boy who tried to hunt your friend, your siblings and yourself down, and the idea of accepting someone of the firenation, a nation that had taken your mother from you, into your friend group.

you came around before your sister, having joined your brother and zuko to try and free your father. he had proven himself in terms of having changed and as being a valuable member for the gaang. he still remembers exactly what you said when you came back from the trip.

“zuko!” you called before he could go too far, wanting to give some sort of privacy to the reuniting family. the ex prince stopped in his tracks as he waited for you to catch up to him.

“yeah?” he asked, unsure of what you would say. your brother had already made his amends with him but had warned that although you wouldn’t be as hard as katara, you still might take a little while to come around. either he was about to hear you accept him as part of the group, or you were about to, well he didn’t know.

“i wanted to say thank you. thanks for helping me get my father back. you really have changed.” zuko was a tad bit taken aback, not thinking he’d get your approval right after the trip but it didn’t bother him. a small weight seemed to be lifted off his shoulders. you gave him a proud smile and he felt his heart race.

“it was nothing. you both deserve to find your father again.” he blushed, bringing his hand to scratch the back of his neck awkwardly. he returned your smile with a small one.

all of a sudden, you grabbed your scimitar and pressed the sharp tooth end lightly on his neck. his heartrate sped up but it wasn’t fully from you being close but also out of fear, sokka hadn’t warned him about this. his eyes widened.

“but if you even dare double cross us. if you even dare lay a finger on either of my siblings, i won’t hesitate to hurt you.” your previously bright face turned dark as you threatened him, not moving your weapon from his neck until he nodded nervously. when he finally did, you lowered it and your face returned to what it was before.

“good, i’m happy to have you as part of the team zuko.” you put your hand on his shoulder as a sign of acceptance, accompanying it with a small grin before turning around to go reunite with both of your siblings and your father.

he laughed a bit at the memory, remembering the fear that he felt during those few seconds but also the weird attraction he still had while you threatened his life.

he also remembers when you both finally admitted your feelings for each other. unbeknownst to him, you had also felt some sort of weird attraction to him when he was still hunting the avatar but it went from a weird and almost uncomfortable attraction, to one of genuine caring and love.

you had both grown rather close after your rescue at the boiling rock, spending many moments together along the beach and in town. it was after seeing the horrible play about their mission thus far, your character seeming to constantly fight with katara over zuko while also being an annoying and overprotective sister, constantly belittling your sibling’s feelings.

zuko remembers you storming out right after the show closed, sokka’s and katara’s characters having almost insulted you multiple times and you just needed some air. the words of the characterised katara still ringing through your head. ‘you’re a terrible sister y/n.’

“hey y/n.�� he approached you calmly as you leaned against the balcony, staring at the bright moon that had been your friend during many sleepless nights after your mother died and your father left.

“you ran out of there pretty fast so i just wanted to make sure that you were okay.” zuko informed, leaning his back against the balcony after you gave him no response. he turned his head towards you and searched for a reaction.

“yeah, the show was just.” you took a deep breath, thinking of a word to describe the monstrosity you had just seen. “horrible, let’s put it that way.”

zuko laughed at your bluntness. you turned your gaze away from the moon to zuko, a small smile creeping up on your face at his carefree and content expression. his laugh was also something you didn’t realise that you liked about him but the last couple of days had made you create a long list on things about him that made you swoon.

“that’s certainly one way to put it.” his laughter died down and he met your staring gaze, both of you not breaking it.

“listen, if there was anything happening between katara and you, or if there is anything, i’m totally cool with it.” you blurted out, needing to get it off your chest to have an answer on the relationship portrayed in the show. you knew that katara would’ve told you something if it were to happen but you had to be sure.

“why would? why would something be happening between katara and i?” zuko asked, confused at your question that seemed to have come out of nowhere. the firebender knew that he wasn’t great at expressing his feelings but he had hoped that he’d been somewhat obvious about the way he felt toward you.

“the show, in the show you two have a lot of romantic scenes. that’s literally one of the main fighting points for katara and i’s character, other than me being told i’m a useless and horrible sister.” you mumbled the last part. pushing yourself off from leaning over the balcony to stand up straight, body still not facing zuko.

“you do realise that the show is incredibly inaccurate?” he rose an eyebrow and stared you, confused as to why you would base your information on some horrible adaption.

“yeah but parts of it were true.” your head fell, letting the words of katara’s character get to you.

“hey, you’re not a horrible sister. in fact, i know that sokka and katara would say the opposite, in fact, they already have! multiple times!” zuko wasn’t about to let you beat yourself up over a badly interpreted story that was based off of misinformation. he put his hand on your cheek that had since turned away from him. when you felt his warm hand, your brought yours up to put it on top of it, letting your head settle against his hand and turned to fully face him.

“i know it’s just. katara and sokka have always been closer and, i sometimes neglected katara and was overprotective of her. i had always been closer to my dad so i had no idea how to deal with her and was just jealous of the attention she got as the youngest.” you admitted, not wanting to look into zuko’s eyes as you confessed something that not even your siblings knew.

“that doesn’t mean your a bad sister. katara and sokka both love you and know how much you love and care for them.” he caressed your cheek with his thumb in a caring manor as you finally met his caring gaze once more.

“thanks zuko.” you smiled in recognition, thanking him for his comforting words.

“and not only do katara and sokka love you for who you are, i love you for who you are. the y/n in the show was nothing like the y/n i know.” he ranted, not noticing his confession that slipped but you caught it and a huge smirk grew on your face.

“what?” he stopped talking when he noticed your mischievous grin.

“you love me? zuko we only became friends like two weeks ago.” you laughed, butterflies still dancing in your stomach at the idea of him feeling so strongly towards you in such little time.

“i mean i dont if it’s love but it’s definitely something similar. i like you y/n. you keep me on my toes, you make me laugh, you challenge me to be a better person.” he clarified his previous statement which just made things even better for you.

“uh huh.” you nodded, indicating him to keep going. zuko usually wasn’t the one to have a lot to say but tonight seemed to be a special night.

“and after seeing all the horrible things i’ve done, not only in person, but theyve all gotten thrown back into our faces tonight. it’s totally understandable if you’re not there yet to completely forgive me, i mean i would but.” zuko’s out of character rambling continued, making you laugh but you couldn’t keep letting the poor boy dig himself an even deeper hole so you took a deep breath and grabbed his hand to remove it from your cheek so you could lean in and press your lips against his in order to shut him up.

zuko’s eyes widened in surprise, taken aback by your bold action but you were always the one to take bold moves. after the initial shock, zuko eagerly kissed back, moving his hands to your waist in order to bring you closer to deeper the kiss. some part of him had been waiting for this moment ever since he had laid eyes on you.

“spirits zuko, you never talk that much.” you teased once you broke apart from the kiss which just earned a blush from the raven haired boy.

“well um, i.” zuko stumbled, failing to find a reason for his previous ranting but he never got the chance to answer as you pecked his lips , and you both got interrupted by a certain watertribe boy.

“y/n!” you heard your brother call out, probably concerned at your running away and the fact that you still hadn’t come back.

“looks like sokka’s calling me, if you don’t mind.” zuko unwrapped his arms from your waist and you started walking back inside to the voice who called you. you made sure to send a wink in his direction before you left, leaving the banished prince blushing and with a stupid smile on his face.

zuko grinned as he thought about your first kiss. he sighed happily and went under the covers to doze off and let sleep take over temporarily.

i dream about an old familiar face, then wake up and you're gone without a trace,

“zuko!” the firelord lifted his head up and saw you running towards him down the long hallway of the palace. enormous smile on your face at the sigh of your boyfriend at the end of the hallway.

“y/n!” he greeted you with a mirroring expression and a hug when you finally reached him. arms wrapping around your waist as you cuddled into his chest.

“ i missed you.” you mumbled into his chest, feeling his chest rumble as he chuckled at your statement.

“i missed you too.” he replied, eyes meeting yours as you lifted your head to look at him. he used one of his hands to move the hair out of your face before placing his lips softly onto yours.

“i have news.” you announced as you broke the kiss, a huge grin on your face as you looked up at zuko with an infinite amount of love.

“which is?” he asked, not knowing if he should be concerned or excited.

“well, as you know i went to see katara while i went home and you’ll never guess what she told me! i’m pregnant!” you told zuko the news and you swear you saw him panic for a split second before he fully processed the information and his face was replaced with pure bliss.

“really?” he didn’t believe it, you two were finlay going to have a child together. who would’ve thought back then when you two fought against each other that you would’ve been carrying his future child. you simply nodded before he leaned back into kiss you.

he woke up in the morning, thinking that his dream was a memory and that you were laying right next to him but as he turned around, he was met with an empty bed. he sighed slightly, you were still away in the south pole with your family as you had been for months. nonetheless, he was happy to have dreamed about your beautiful face.

and though you're away, nothing has changed, we always made it out, even when im old and blue, i’ll think about my time with you.

when he stepped out of his chamber, he was met with a servant giving him a scroll, no doubt a message from you. the firelord thanked them before returning to his room to read in peace.

whenever one of you were gone on a mission somewhere in one of the four nations, you both communicated through letters so that you could keep in touch. it would also serve as a way to your future selves to look back in the early moments in your relationship fondly. you’d always have memories that would never go away written in those scrolls.

atla taglist: @draqondance @biqherosix @missmorosis @firelady-jay

zuko taglist: @duh-dobrik

[thisdreamplace]

ashamed to say the 3D reflects our true inner reality, yes? my ENTIRE family has turned against me, after some atrocious conflicts in which they all ganged up on me nd judged me, name-calling, very hurtful things too, provoked me. i been dealing with some serious mental uh 'issues' on my own nd when this happend i was already on the verge of a breakdown nd the good news is while the conflict happened i kept telling myself theyre only reflecting me u can get thru it etc. Later i looked at the hard facts nd realised some of the hurtful things they said were my deep secret feelings abt myself. BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people? confronting one person vs whole family, why?! i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?

Part 2 is simply its been a week and theyve still been cold towards me as if I yelled AT THEM ABT THEIR PAINFUL 'tRuThS' in front of EVERYONE LMAOOO. At first if i was around we'd have dinner together while they'd all talk to each other like best friends aka sickeningly overly friendly while completely IGNORING me while i sat there. i could tolerate it. I WAS PISSED AT THEM TOO Now its too painful. They're having dinner without telling me, yesterday didnt leave enough food for me knowing i hadnt eaten, serve tea/snacks without my portion. i honestly feel so unspeakably trigered nd sad. worst is these things r reminding me of deep school memories when id feel excluded like this by other kids at parties or class activities nd its like im back there. anyway im glad i controled myself a bit nd didnt counter with horrid things abt them to THEM yet they think they can say the same to me. im so hurt rn i cant even tell u lol i was okay the whole week but now its too much,, ive been crying the whole day

thing is, ik this seems like 'im a victim oh noooo they ganged up on meee'. Nope its more like how do i change myself to change them?! u could say why not talk to them how they made u feel, except whenever ive defended myself in the past regarding hurtful things they/anyone in family did, the siblings/parents would say irritating things like: "oh so YOU'RE the one hurt? Oh thats right, its because YOU'RE right! yes, yes, you're always right. Forgive me for saying anything against the perfect person u are." Or one of them says: "You?! I hurt YOU? What about me? You don't care about me! So you think what ur doing is okay?" or "no, who do YOU think u are to tell ME what to do?" it just goes in circles like this! i dont deserve to hurt myself or do smth to myself even if they dont give a damn, even if years of silent suffering of the 'mEntAL pRoBlEms' (which my lovely parents have already told me is my fault years ago, hence why I NEVER show it to them, unless im crying too much then lol they just mock me, but idc abt THAT bcoz now ik i hav a right to let out my emotions)). i mean this is worse rjan usual. its kinda insane nd when guests come they start talking to me as if nothing's wrong then when they leave, they ignore me!

this whole twisted dynamics, feelijf left out nd helpless is ig some crazy assumptin from childhood of being alone nd unable to defend myself. plus when they argye with anyone, they become overly self-righteous nd over the years its clear they can only scream, blame the scapegoat and never talk abt serious matter like normal ppl. And yes, in the past when i bring this up, they like to reply with stuff like: "no YOU'RE the one who doesnt talk to US bla bla" like, when i do u just shut me down? have belittled my mental 'issues', mocked me when im at my worst, stabbed me with cruel silent treatments nd thinking its alright "bcoz of self-righteousness blegh". Or maybe i think its okay for them to punish me? or whatev? Like law says u get what u r. if these ~~~ keep doing this to me, im doubly ashamed to say this means im the one at fault?! i let this monster assunptin grow nd now idk what to do. the worst thing imo is how i failed to tell them,even if they ignored me in the past, how i feel when anything like this or a conflict happens nd none of them stand up for me, or at least are neutral to me. bcoz now if i do, they say nope, u dont care what we do, YOUR the shameless one :! so yeah they hav the advantage of 'numbwrs' while im too afraid to stand up for myself lol. btw they never apologize nd i suspect they expect ME to apologize to TYEM bcoz everything's already ruined bcoz of 'me'..... i give up on them, i really do, but my heart hurts. Either i harden my heart, nd save up to move out, OR i try to change my self or whatev assumptins i have. But how do i do that? i try afirming: "my familys so nice to me, im respected by them" but it feels so fake tears literally enter my eyes lol

firstly i want to say, thank you for coming here to vent and being open about your feelings. it’s so important sometimes to just let it all out, without holding back. so that way you can move forward more bravely, to create the life you truly want to experience. that being said, i am going to be completely honest with you here in hopes that perhaps it may inspire you and you will be ready to do what is needed for the life you truly want to experience.

“BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people?” -> “i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?” here is your question, and here is your answer. i think that being completely honest when venting your feelings can actually be so helpful, because if you read back what you have said, you will be able to clearly find the patterns that are creating your personal hell. FEELING IS THE SECRET. ASSUMPTIONS HARDEN INTO FACT. the true way you feel, becomes your experience. Feelings/assumptions/beliefs come first, and the experiences come second to confirm them. That’s all that’s happening here.

i am glad that you were able to keep your reactions to a minimum! that's wonderful and as many of us know, it can sometimes be hard to do in such hurtful circumstances. but you managed to do it, this shows just a small glimpse of the power you truly hold within. although emotionally you may feel out of control, there is still the choice to choose better for yourself which you demonstrated through your reaction to them. good for you!

the truth is, you acknowledge the victim mindset to seem like you’re not engulfed in it, but no, you’re still very clearly engulfed in it. as i have said before, you can’t be a VICTOR and feel bad about it. feeling bad about taking responsibility, about everyone is you pushed out, about any of these types of concepts automatically shows a victim mindset. talking to them won’t do anything, because there are no second causes. you could talk to them nicely, you could be the nicest person in the world. but you can’t pretend your way out of your inner world. your inner world is the one and only cause of your experiences. until you change the story you tell yourself, they will stay the same. this is a hard pill to swallow sometimes. and it can feel heavily, because it’s ultimately only you’re choice. they can’t change until you do. the heaviness of the situation may make it seem impossible to turn around, but that’s just an illusion. your emotional attachment to the situation makes it seem so real and hard to change, but no. that’s just an illusion too. however, it’s ultimately your choice. Do you want to take responsibility for your life, or do you want to keep being tossed around like your lost at sea, victim to the merciless angry waves? Because we always have a choice. No one chooses your inner world, you do. No one can go into your mind and decide things for you, that’s only your job.

you can harden your heart, but who would be the one who suffers more? It won’t be your family, i can assure you. it’ll only be you. by doing that, you keep that old story alive and therefore you keep experiencing it. you keep those stories alive that are desperately showing themselves to you, saying “LET US GO.” but you remain identified with those painful stories, so you grip onto them tight. you keep on thinking of possible reasons for their behavior, but you could just read your entire ask back to yourself and you’ll see every reason. your reactions, your beliefs about them, your emotional pain. its your refusal to let those things go, and focus on what you truly want that keeps you in this state and keeps them in this state. sure it’s painful to face the responsibility at first, but it’s not a blame game. thinking its about blame is just a misunderstanding of the teachings. it’s not about they’re so perfect and you’re so not, so you have to change your ways. it’s about this is how life works here. this is about... you can ONLY ever experience self. whatever is going on within, will be reflected in your outer world. it’s about how they can’t change, UNTIL YOU DO. so instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you have to decide to give yourself the gift of a wonderful life because you have that power too. you stop deciding they can be in control of your experience, and you decide your experience yourself.

to change your assumptions, stop trying to affirm over them and actually face what’s keeping you from believing in your desires. yeah, it’s going to be painful and uncomfortable. but you need to face the pain that you’re running away from, so that it can finally be released. you have to realize, it only stayed true because you believed it to be true. and if you are to live a life free from that story, and experience a more desirable story, then you must let the pain go. give yourself love and grace as you work through it, and know that there is a more beautiful side of life that awaits for you to accept it in.

No One To Change But Self

There is Nothing to Forgive

How to Sit with Your Triggers

give yourself the time you need, it's not race. the love that you wish to experience exists, allow it in. 💖

[love4hobi]

Okay this is gonna be long but I wanted to respond and put my 2 cents in about ur asks u got yesterday and discussion over bts recent music....okay so I read somehwere (I forget) that PTD was like their end to the trilogy thing of songs they were doing in that type of genre / English thing...Idk if that’s 100% true but it can give hope. Imo I actually liked butter and stuff PTD was just straight up bad but I liked butter and dynamite...is it their best work clearly not close but it wasn’t bad like PTD😭😭 also as I’ve been a fan for so fucking long (2015) I can say that for 2020-2021 bts KEEPS their success bc they’re such great perofmorers and bring it everytime despite the current music they’re releasing...(my opinion...) like I rememebr watching festa room live and being like holy shit they’re so good what the fuck and then realizing they were performing like all old b sides besides 2 songs😭😭 idk. To me they still perform and put on top level stages and that’s what keeps me interested and a fan to this day...also idk if you liked MOTS and persona but I liked both ...and BE was an okay album to me (not their best but come on KDKDKDKDKDKDD) also I think we as fans need to expect that every artist has their peak. Like there’s so many western rock /alt bands that I’m in love with their albums and then they release shit I don’t like after being together for like a decade and I just have to accept they reached their peak musically but am able to look back at their work they have done and still love them for what they did and released. Idk. I think bts can still bring it back musically as the time period of 2020-2021 isn’t that long in my opinion. Yes it’s been their worst year musically but it’s been like a year since dynamite so it hasn’t been THAT long. I think it feels like a long ass time tho so I get it....I’m giving them a lot of room and you obviously can disagree I’m just stating my opinion lol!! Cuz I do agree that PTD sucked and hybe is stupid...I mean take a look at what p dogg said a month ago when he said that it’s sad that bts songs are getting so incredibly short and the rap line can’t show their skills anymore to cater to the market and to check out their other music...(literally say that shit like word for word basically in a YouTube video....) like does this man (their long time producer) expressing these worries seirously have 0 say??? Like it really seemed like he is bummed about their recent shit too and bts are rich so you’d think they’d put their foot down and say no to anything...but I agree with you about how they’ve been grinding nonstop for 8 years and maybe they’re just fucking tired. Like it’s understandable. Anyway, I agree that this years music has been lacking (and honestly I lowkey feel that way about all kpop AT the moment)....like txt is the only group imo that is releasing good music right now...not to drag anyone else but twice disappointed me this year and nct and skz too 😭😭 but you know!! It is what it is!!! Back to bts tho, I personally still love them bc of their body of work that they have done and their stage performances and probably will feel that way for a long time. Idk, I’ve experience this with so many bands so it doesn’t shock me that much. Like for ex the band arctic monkeys had a perfect discography for me then they released an ass album and it sucked and I just accepted that maybe they just reached their peak 😭😭 idk...this was super long but oof

oh hmm i havent heard that about the trilogy but that certainly would be nice,, but then the coldplay collab is pretty much basically confirmed at this point and thatll probably be mostly if not all in english 🙄 and omg yes ur so right performing is definitely one of their biggest strong suits especially on tours whenever i go back and rewatch old concerts its just like theres no one else like them like theres lots of great performers in kpop but theres just something special about them altogether as a group!! and the thought and effort they put into end of the year stages always blows me away, but yea also smaller things like the festa room live are so nice,, they just work so well together on every level. but i do see what ur saying about them peaking cus yea i loved black swan and on and i could see how that would feel hard to top, but idk yea like i said in another ask they might just be tired and i think if they dont put out anything that great in the next year or two i feel like they might be able to get back together sometime after enlistement once theyve hopefully been a little ✨rejuvenated✨ and had time to rest n just live their lives for a bit (and bighit has hopefully moved on to txt and the new gg a bit more) and finally be able to to do something thats more them and just fits what they actually want to be doing at that point in their careers. but omg yea exactly what u said abt pdogg it kinda rly sucked to hear him say exactly what i was thinking in that vid and for His opinion to still not even have an effect on anything :( but also yea like you said and ive said in some other asks the pandemic has affected the music quality of a lot of groups/artists and theres always hope that things will get back to normal afterwards or maybe they really have peaked unfortunately theres no way to know we just have to wait n see ig :/

[abrakophile]

I was looking through a bunch of junk and found some letters from my dad when he was in the army. I’m afraid I'll accidently toss them, so maybe I’ll put them here?

OPs Name JUNE 02 03

I LOVE YOU

THIS IS MY NAME IN KURDISH

*my dad wrote his first and last name, and under it, in Kurdish*

ILL TRY AND FIND OUT HOW TO WRITE YOUR NAME AND MOMS TOO.

ITS STILL HOT. I WORK AND READ BOOKS TO PASS THE TIME AWAY.

HOW ARE YOU DOING? GOOD I HOPE. WHAT DO YOU DO FOR FUN? DO YOU EVER HANG OUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS? TELL THEM I SAID “WASSUP?” NAH, DONT TELL THEM. TELL ME WHAT YOUR THINKING. I’M TRYING TO SEND YOU SOME MORE OF MY DRAWINGS. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DRAW YOU? DID YOU LIKE THE DRAWING I SENT YOU OF YOU NAME? ITS ALRIGHT IF YOU DIDNY. JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU DO WANT ME TO DRAW YOU.

(Flip Page)

THIS IS WEIRD! (The page does not have lines on the left side of it) i WONDER WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS PIECE OF PAPER. HaHa

I MISS YOU ALOT. PLEASE SOND ME SOME MORE OF YOUR DRAWINGS, YOU CAN DRAW ME ANYTHING YOU WANT TO.

ARE YOU BEING GOOD FOR YOUR MOM? ITS NICE IF YOU HELP HER OUT WHILE I’M AWAY.

HAVE YOU BEEN ANYPLACE NEW? HOW IS SCHOOL GOING FOR YOU? IS MOMMY GOING TO SCHOOL? I KNOW I WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL WHEN I GET BACK. HOPEFULLY I GET THE CHANCE TO LEARN EVERYTHING THAT THERE IS TO KNOW. THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

ALSO, ID LIKE TO DO SOME FISHING? HOW ABOUT YOU? I GUESS ILL END HERE. BE GOOD AND STAY IN SCHOOL. AND JUST SAY NO TO DRUGS.

THEYRE BAD.

I LIVE YOU OP

*hearts and x’s* DADDY

---

(I don’t know if all these pages are in order or if it’s missing any, but this was the letter in the same stack as the last but this one was for my mom. In some places his indents indicate passage of time.)

I HAVENT HAD ANY TIME TO WRITE SINCE WEVE BEEN ON THE ROAD, NOT TO MENTION THAT WE CAN’T SEND MAIL WHEN WE’RE MOVING ALL THE TIME.

WEVE BEEN ON THE ROAD FOR ABOUT FIVE OR SIX DAYS, I HAVENT REALLY BEEN COUNTING. I KNOW I TOLD YOU THAT WE’D BE IN KUWAIT FOR A WHILE, BUT THAT WAS SO YOU WOULDNT BE WORRIED. I’M GOING TO KEEP THIS LETTER THOUGH, TILL I GET HOME.

ABOUT TWO NIGHTS AGO, WE DROVE THROUGH BAGDHAD, SOMEBODY SAID THAT THERE WERE PILED BODIES, I DONT KNOW IF IT WAS TRUE.

AND I GUESS YESTERDAY, A COUPLE OF PEOPLE SAID THEY SAW A MISSILE OR SOEMTHING SHOT AT US. I WAS TRYING TO FIX A TRUCK SO I DIDNT SEE IT.

ITS NOT AS DUSTY HERE IN IRAQ. IT REMINDS ME OF THE CONVOYS IN KOREA.

MOST OF THE PEOPLE WILL WAVE “HI”. SOME OTHERS DONT.

I SAW A KID OPEN HIS HAND ONCE WHILE MOVING, AND IT SAID “BUSH” THAT WAS KIND OF COOL.

OH YEAH. HERES A STORY. WHILE OUT DOING A MISSION, ONE OF OUR “BRADLEY” TANKS FIRED ON AN ENEMY AMMO TRUCK AND CLIPPED A KID. THE ROUNDS BLEW ONE OF HIS LEGS OFF AND SOME OF THE OTHER, FROM THE KNEE DOWN. SO THE MEDICS PICKED HIM UP AND BROUGHT HIM TO OUR RECONCOLIDATING POINT FOR MEDICAL TREATMENT. I GUESS HE EVENTUALLY DIED FROM LOSS OF BLOOD THE NEXT NIGHT AND YESTERDAY THEY TOOK HIM OUT AND BURIED HIM.

ALSO WE PICKED UP ABOUT 25-30 P.O.W.s AND SENT THEM SOUTH.

IT GETS PRETTY COLD AT NIGHT. AND THE DAY’S ARE VERY HOT.

SINCE WE LEFT KUWAIT ITS BEEN ME AND MENDOZA IN THE FIVE TON WRECKER AND I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT ITS BEEN EXCITING. WE KEPT GETTING SEPERATED FROM THE CONVOY AND BREAKING DOWN. BUT I THINK THAT WERE BETTER NOW. HOPEFULLY.

IM STILL WAITING TO BE AMBUSHED TO MAKE ALL THIS SEEM REAL TO ME. A PART OF ME WANTS IT AND ANOTHER DOESNT.

AND IT SEEMS LIKE ONLY OUR UNIT HAS TO STAY IN UNIFORM, EVERYONE ELSE WEARS T-SHIRTS AND BANDENA’S AND RAGS ON THEIR HEAD

WERE STILL GOING NORTH. NOBODY KNOWS HOW LONG WE’LL STAY. ITS NOT THAT BAD HERE. MEANING, IT COULD BE WORSE. 

I USED A “SHIT-CHAIR”. ITS JUST A METAL CHAIR WITH A HOLE CUT IN THE MIDDLE AND THE SEAT FROM A TOILET BOLTED TO IT, GROSS.

HELICOPTERS CAN BE HEARD ALL DAY AND NIGHT. I GOT TO SEE THEM DROP BOMBS ALL DAY ABOUT 3 DAYS AGO, FROM A DISTANCE OF COURSE.

ILL BE DRIVING AGAIN, IN A MINUTE. PROBABLY RE-FUEL AND BACK ON THE ROAD AGAIN. IM ENJOYING IT.

I HAVE 8 MAGAZINES FULL OF ROUNDS. NO GRENADES, BUT I LIKE IT LIKE THAT.

SOMETIMES IT SMELLS LIKE SHIT.

I GUESS ILL END IT HERE FOR NOW

I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU TWO TWICE IF NOT THRICE AS MUCH AS YOU MIGHT MISS ME TOO.

HELLO AGAIN. WERE SOMEWHERE NEAR TIKRI + MOSUL. YESTERDAY, ME + MENDOZA WENT LOOKING FOR MOMENTO’S. WE BROKE A LOCK TO A NEAR BY BUNKER AND FOUND 6 A.K.47s! BUT ON OUR WAY BACK TO TURN THEM IN, MAJOR TATU GOT THEM FROM US. I WAS SO PISSED. BUT I GOT A GAS MASK w/ FILTER, A FULL MAGAZINE CLIP FROM ONE OF THE A.K.s AND A BERET WITH IRAQ 1 RANK ON IT.

I MADE A STENCIL FOR THE TRUCK WERE RIDING IN. ITS CALLED THE “GAMBLER.” YESTERDAY MENDOZA DROVE, SO TODAY ILL BE DRIVING.

IM NOT POSITIVE, BUT, I THINK WERE GOING TO TURKEY. NIETO SAYS THAT HE OVERHEARD SOMEBODY FROM S1 (or SI, I’m not sure) SAYING WE MIGHT GET PAID EXTRA FOR GOING THROUGH BAGHDAD.

I THINK NIETO’S MAD AT ME. CANT EXPLAIN WHY. MAYBE ITS BECAUSE IM RIDING WITH MENDOZA AND HE DOESNT LIKE MENDOZA TOO MUCH. OH WELL, WHATEVER REASON, HOPE THINGS GET NORMAL AGAIN. HAVE TO GO,

*hearts and xs*

TODAY IS THE 25th OF APRIL, I RECEIVED FIVE OR SIX (OR SEVEN) LETTERS YESTERDAY. THE LATEST WAS DATED 07 OF APRIL. THAT TELLS ME THAT ITS GOING TO TAKE A WHILE TO COMMUNICATE.

WE HAVENT RECEIVED MAIL BECAUSE WEVE BEEN MOVING NEVER STAYING IN ONE PLACE MORE THAN A DAY, OR TWO, UNTIL NOW. WE’VE BEEN IN THIS SPOT GOING ON FOUR DAYS TOMORROW?!

GIVE ME A MINUTE...

FOR THE LAST COUPLE OF DAYS IVE BEEN HELPING MENDOZA PULL THE ENGINE OUT OF A 5 TON TRUCK AND SWITCH IT w/ ANOTHER ONE. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN EASY BUT THE FLY WHEEL SEIZED UP INSIDE THE BELL HOUSING. ITS FINISHED NOW AND THE RUMOR IS WE’RE LEAVING  (OR MOVING) AGAIN TOMORROW.

ITS 10:33 THURSDAY MORNING. YOUR TIME IS 12:32 JUST TURNING THURSDAY.

I ALMOST CRYED WHEN I SAW ELIS PICTURE. I REALLY MISS BOTH OF YOU. LET ME BACK TO BEFORE I GOT DISTRACTED. I HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO SEND MAIL BECAUSE WE’VE BEEN MOVING. BUT I GUESS THAT WHATEVER THREAT THERE WAS (IF ANY), ISNT SO THREATFUL ANYMORE, WE CAN START RECEIVING AND SENDING MAIL. NO PHONE TO CALL FROM, AND NO INTERNET TO E-MAIL FROM.

THE WHOLE UNIT IS SCATTERED, SO EVEN IF I GET WHAT YOU NEED IT’LL TAKE FOREVER TO GET IT TO YOU. LET ME PULL THOSE LETTERS BACK OUT. OH WAIT. I DID LAUNDRY AND SOME UNDERWEAR THATS DRY, FELT HARD, OH WELL, WAIT A SECOND, K

I HAD TO FOLD SOME T-SHIRTS. ALL MY SOCKS ARE STILL DAMP. 

YOU CAN USE MY CONTRACT TO SHOW THAT I ENLISTED IN TEXAS AND HOWS THIS

*On a separate sheet my dad wrote a detailed note for my mom to give to someone to confirm that he did want to buy a house. He writes “I AM ALIVE AND WELL.” and “PLEASE ACCEPT THIS PAPER”, then he signed it with his scribble signature, and underneath it wrote his name in print and added “1st SQUADRON 10th CAVALRY HEADQUARTERS TROOP (I have no clue what this means)*

HOW’S THAT? HOPE I SPELLED EVERYTHING CORRECTLY. IM ALMOST READY WITH A DESIGN TO COVER THE OTHER TATTOOS ON MY LEFT FOREARM.

I JUST FINISHED LOOKING OVER ALL THOSE LETTERS YOU SENT FOR ME

IM BACK! I GOT SLEEPY SO I TRYED TO LAY DOWN FOR A LITTLE BIT. NO SLEEP. I DONT THINK. I DIDNT HAVE ENOUGH WATER TO WASH MY DCV’S AND A PAIR OF BDV’S. BESIDES FOR DRINKING WATER, BUT WE HAVE TO CONSERVE IT.

LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE RUMORS. TOMORROW WE’LL BE LEAVING FOR THE IRAN/IRAQ BORDER TO DO “PEACE KEEPING” FOR 3 TO 6 mths. OTHERS SAY THAT THE 4ID (i think is what this says) GENERAL WANTS TO KEEP US HERE TILL NOV., THATS WHEN 1 CAV WILL COME TO REPLACE US. WHILE OTHERS SAY WE MIGHT LEAVE BY JUNE. NOTHINGS FOR SURE.

SMALLER RUMORS FLOATING AROUND THE SITE ARE; RAMSEY AND SFC BACON ARE SLEEPING TOGETHER. SGT SIREK HAS PLANS TO TAKE NIETO AS HIS APPRENTICE AND PADIWAN LEARNER OF THE DARK SIDE. LITTLE BLACK ARNOLD IS MILITARY INTELLIGENCE FOR SPECIAL FORCES OPERATING UNDER COVER A SURVEILLENCE AS PART OF

*the rest of the page is blank*

IM BACK. TODAY IS THE 27th. I GOT BACK TO THE LITTLE CAMP AREA ABOUT AN HOUR AND A HALF AGO. I LEFT YESTERDAY MORNING TO, WELL, AS PART OF DE-CON (DE-CONTAMINATION) MISSION. HERES THE INFORMATION THAT I GATHERED.

A SITE HAD BEEN FOUND THAT WAS THOUGHT TO HAVE CHEMICAL WEAPONS AND 1-10 WAS APPOINTED TO GO TO THE SITE AND DE-CON THE CIVILIANS THAT WERE GOING TO OPEN THEM. AS IT TURNS OUT THE CIVILIANS HAVE BEEN DE-LAYED AND WOULD BE SET BACK 1 DAY.

THE NBC TEAM THAT I WAS WITH WERENT PREPARED TO STAY OVER NIGHT AND AS FORCASTED BY SSG MINOR WE MIGHT HAVE HAD TO STAY 3 TO 4 DAYS. EVERYBODY WAS PISSED.

LATELY ITS BEEN GETTING REALLY COLD AT NIGHT AND WE JUST HAPPENED TO BE NEAR A RUNNING RIVER. SO THE, ITS ABOUT 9 O’CLOCK AND IM BEAT, NO SLEEPING BAG OR ANYTHING TO COVER UP WITH AND I DECIDE TO TRY AND SLEEP. I GET AS COMFORTABLE AS POSSIBLE AND I GET ATTACKED BY MOSQUITOS. NOW IM PISSED SO I DECIDED TO JUST TO STAY UP ALL NIGHT. ABOUT 10PM ONE OF THE HEMTT (this might just say “hemi”, I don’t know) FUELERS SHOWS UP AND SGT TORRES SAYS HE HAS EVERYBODYS SLEEPING BAG! THE SITES ABOUT 45 MINS AWAY AND THEY LEFT SOMETIME MID AFTERNOON TO GET OUR SHIT, I HATE THESE PEOPLE.

RIGHT NOW ITS 9:01 PM AND ITS 11:02 AM YOUR TIME. I MISS YOU.

RIGHT NOW IM GOING TO ADDRESS AN ENVELOPE AND HAVE IT READY TO SEND TOMMOROW THE 28th. IM SORRY IF IT SEEMS THAT IM NOT WRITING VERY OFTEN. FOR A WHILE WE COULDN’T. AND NOW THAT IT SEEMS WE MIGHT BE HERE A LITTLE WHILE, THEYVE KEPT ME REALLY BUSY. LET ME ADDRESS THE ENVELOPES (he drew a star here)

ALL DONE. I THOUGHT ABOUT THE HOUSE A LOT TODAY AND YESTERDAY. IM SURE BY THE TIME THIS LETTER REACHES YOU, YOU’LL HAVE EITHER GOTTEN IT OR GAVE IT UP. IM O.K. WITH EITHER DECISION YOUVE MADE.

YOUVE KEPT THIS FAMILY TOGETHER, AND THAT MAKES ME PROUD. YOUR SMART, ATTRACTIVE AND FUNNY. AND YOU DONT TAKE ANY SHIT FROM ANYBODY. I LOVE YOU.

I HOPE THAT OUR DAUGHTER TURNS OUT TO BE LIKE YOU.

I GUESS ILL MAIL THIS TOMORROW, FIRST THING, SO

EVER YOURS

EVER MINE

*my dad signed it with his scribble, and wrote his name under it. under that are hearts and x’s with my mom’s name and then my name under hers.*

[nat-20s]

ten donna prompt where theyve just got back from the tardis after seeing Some Shit. donna is a little shaken, and the doctor is trying to help as best he can.

sorry thi took so long lmao also i didn’t edit because this is full of FEELINGS and editing it would be Too Much anyway have fun

Donna was quiet.Donna had been quiet since she’s gotten back to the Tardis, maybeeven before then, though things had been a bit too chaotic for theDoctor to be able to accurately tell. A deep sense of wrongnesspervaded every cell of his beingas long as the air remained empty, so he tried to fill up the spacewith his own chatter. Pulling at various levers and knobs mostly todo something with the itchy sensation under his skin, he asked, “So,Donna! Where to next? Alien planet? Something historical? A nicecoffee shop? Maybe one of the ones with cats OH I love a good catcafe don’t you? Or are yu not much of a cat person? Well obviouslyyou’re not a cat person,not like those nuns, have I ever told you about those nuns, unlessyou are a cat person,just very well disguised. Donna, you’re not a secret cat person,right?”

Whenthat didn’t illicit even a “No, dumbo”but instead resulted in Donna continuing her dead-eyed stare at theconsole, The Doctor’s twohearts started to pound. Injecting a bit more false pep into hisvoice, he continued on, “ ‘Course, we don’t have topick a destination. I always like a good surprise, let the Tardis goon according to her whims. We’re sure to go somewhere excitingthen, the ol’ girl refuses to let us get bored.”

Donnasucked in a breath through her noise, turned glassy eyes towardshis, and said in a small voice,“I think I should go home.”

Small. Hervoice is small. Nopart of her should be small. Donna Noble is meant to take up space.Donna is meant to be loud and large and present andunapologetic about all of that. But her voice is small, her postureis hunched inwards, and she doesn’t exist enough in the room. TheDoctor knew what exactlyshe meant, but he had also foundthat on occasion, if he simply acted like something wasn’thappening, then it wouldn’t. It was rare, but it was worth a shot.“Right! Always good to have a break. Catch up with Wilf, hear somestories, love hisstories, maybe avoid a whole world ending disaster this time, allthat jazz! Sounds great! Molto bene!”

Donna’sbreath stuttered and a few tears spilled unbidden. She hadn’t meantto cry, she was trying really really hardnot to cry, but she supposed she couldn’t put it off forever. Voicea bit stronger but still small, too small, she replied, “ No,I mean, drop me off. Permanently. I think..I think you should findsomeone else. You’re stillgonna need someone but I don’t think that someone is me.”

“What?Why? No, wait, what? Donna,I, I suppose, I..no. Ifyou want to leave, I’ll understand, obviously, I’m not going toforce you to-”

“-Ofcourse I don’t want to.”

“Then..,”The Doctor stammered for about 30 seconds before he came up with theresponse, “what? Whywould you leave?”

Donna��svoice finally came back strong. It’s somehow worse. “Because! I’mnot enough, all right!”

“Notenough? Not enough how? Not enough for what?”

Donnagestured wildly to the room around her. “All of this! What if..whatif I was always missing things, big, grand universal things, becauseI was meant to! What if Lance, what if my own mother wasright! Maybe I’m just meant to care about, I dunno, tabloids androyal weddings and office gossip. I’m not supposed to have theuniverse in my charge! I don’t have medical knowledge or anindomitable will or an incorroptiple sense of right and wrong or anyof the things that would make me good at this! For Christ’s sake,you got hurt because I wanted to have a spa day, what kind ofcompanion is that? God, the more I think about it, the more I realizeyou can’t possibly want me here. Sure, you’ll tolerate me,because you have to, because I do that thing where I push and I pushand I push and don’t ever notice when someone’s just beingpolite, when they’re just putting up with me because I’venever given them a word in edgewise-”

Nomore comes out because Donna has started to hyperventilate. In awink, The Doctor is at her side, one of her hands wrapped in both ofhis own, and making sure that she’s looking at him. “Donna. Wejust fought off a creature with both physic and shape-shiftingabilities that are specifically meant to demoralize its targets. It’sgrueling. So these terrible thoughts,these feelings, thatyou’re having right now. I promise that they’ll pass, andI promise even more that they’re not true.”

Herbreathing slowed down, but she hardly looked any less distressed. Shewas at least able to kee speaking, throat no longer quite sotight. “That’s the thing though, it worked. What betterevidence is there that these thoughts are true than the fact that Icompletely froze. All those things had to do was look like mymother and say some of her greatest hits and I was paralyzed untilyou trapped it in an elevator shaft. What greater display is therethat I’m utterly uselesshere, just like shesaid?”

“Useless?!,”The Doctor sputteredfor a few moments if only so he wouldn’t scream. Ragingat the entirety of reality for the simple fact that his best friendcould ever feel this way about herself wasn’t going to helpmatters, but god did he want to. “Donna, nobodyis useless, least ofall you! Freezing one time doesn’t negate the fact that youobjectively put so much goodinto the universe.I’ve frozen more than that during afternoon tea. Donna, there arepeople that are alive and happy and freetoday because youshowed up and decided to help them. There are ballads and sculpturesand choirs made about youbecause you made thedeliberate choice to be kind. How many people can say that?”

“Yeah,but that’s not cause of me, is it? That’s just a side effect oftraveling with you, right? That’s what youdo, you go and helpand make things better and if someone happens to be coming along,they’re gonna get creditno matter what.”

“No,what? Not even slightly.Donna, you’ve seenme at my default, and it’s not good. Remember the Racnoss? You saidI just stood there, like a stranger, and you were right. I wouldn’thave left if you hadn’t pulled me out of there. Pompeii?I wouldn’t havelooked back. I wouldn’t have acknowledged myown daughter ifit hadn’t been for you. The good that we do is a testament to you,to how truly andincredibly brilliant you are.”

TheDoctor let go of her hand so that he could throw his own up in theair. “And, by the way, what’s this nonsenseabout me onlytolerating you?! I askedyou totravel with me. Youthink I go around offering to show the wonders of the stars toanybody? To people I onlytolerate? Forone I’m certainly not polite enough to put up with people that areonly tolerable and for twoI interrupted your weddingafter only 3 weeks because I missed you too much.What about that says tolerance?”

Theyweren’t out of the woods, but it felt like a victory nonethelesswhen Donna gave a hint ofa smile and replied,“Honestly just thought you has a thing for crashing my weddings.”

It’s teasing. That’s good.“Doing something twice hardly means you have a thingfor it. And to befair, both of those weddings needed a good crashing.”

The Doctor expected a rebuttal,at the very least a solid, “oi”. Instead, he gets a oneshouldered shrug and a “suppose so.” Less good. He decided tokeep talking. He felt like he could sing Donna’s praises for days,but he didn’t know if or when those praises would be effective.

“Andanother thing, this whole meant to be here concept. You found me.Twice. Great big grand old universe, all of time and space, infinitecosmos, and just when I’ve lost someone, just when I’vemost needed someone, thereyou were. Donna Noble, my savior.”

Donna sniffed, and scrubbed ather face with her hands, and smiled. She was coming back to herself.“Isn’t it more the other way around? Imean, you quite literally saved me less than 20 minutes again.”

“Maybewe save each other. Maybe that’s what makes this whole arrangementwork so well. I…..I know there are some things from your past thatI can’t fix, but when it comes to your future? I’m just hoping tobe in it. You are welcome to go home, I won’t stop you, but knowthat if you ever leave the Tardis, if you ever go back, that’sgoing to have to be yourchoice, because I’mgoing to fight to keep you around as long as I can.”

Donna searched his features,looking for any hints of insincerity. When she found none, she letout a deep breath, and said, “Okay. Okay.No, of course I don’twant to go home, not permanently. I believe you promised me somethingabout an intergalactically renowned adventure cruise? Let’s hitthat up and see how many hours it takes before it all goeshorrendously wrong.”

Some of the cheer in her voicewas carefully manufactured, but it was all right, because soon enoughit wouldn’t be. Soon enough, they’d be off, traveling and helpingand picking up pieces, as they do. As long as they were together andmoving forward, it would be alright.

[softrainbowlove]

can i request a fluffy ot7 bts cuddle pile? Like the reader suddenly got shy from all the skinship but they started cuddling and reader realize theyve been starved from physical affection all their life.

so i made a slight change which is that i made bts hybrids…hope u dont mind and enjoy it as much as i enjoyed writing it :D (and its over 2k) 

HOME AT LAST

People would describe (Y/N) as too kind-hearted and too sympathetic. The evidence they had? The 7 hybrids he had living in his home. He was lucky he had a very stable job that paid more than the average men and women get per year. His personality made his co-workers question how he could achieve such a high position, but when they get to know his work ethic it was pretty obvious. (Y/N) a kind-hearted person, but also knew how to get everything in work and in order.

And that is how he also took care of the seven different hybrids.

Hoseok was always the first one to notice when (Y/N)’s car arrived. His ears would perk up when they caught into the familiar car sound. And then would start waggling from side to side and a grin would appear on his lips before racing to the front door. Next to the front door there was a small window and Hoseok would pop his head to the side waiting with excitement.  

The others would notice it. Yoongi wouldn’t even budge if Hoseok ran past him. He’d just stretch himself on the couch and nuzzle his face into his pillow. It was Taehyung and Jungkook who would follow Hoseok also excited. Jungkook would be behind Taehyung and would sit when they got to door and start playing with Taehyung’s tail.

Only the three would wait for (Y/N), but it didn’t mean that the rest weren’t excited. It just became a habit of the three. Jimin would sometimes come, but mostly just play with the youngest. Today he didn’t come.

When Hoseok saw (Y/N) walking up the three steps of stairs, his smile would reach his eyes and his tail would waggle uncontrollably.

(Y/N) smiled when he saw Hoseok from the window, but it was tired one. Just like his day was, long and tiring. He fiddled with his keys before unlocking the door and just as expected Hoseok jumped on him.

“(Y/N)! (Y/N)! You’re home!” The pure excitement in Hoseok’s voice made (Y/N) laugh and drop his briefcase along with his keys and wrap it around Hoseok’s lower back to gain back his balance. Taehyung was next and he came to (Y/N)’s other side to wrap his arms around it.

“Yes. I’m here.”

“Since its Friday can we sleep altogether?” Taehyung asked after greeting (Y/N), who ran his hand through Taehyung hair. (Y/N) thought about it. He did promise them that Friday would be a day they could all spent the day together and also at night.

His eye drifts to the youngest hybrid, who was staring at him with big eyes. “What do you think, Kookie? Would like you to sleep in the bed tonight with everyone?” Jungkook stared at him for a moment before nodding his head slowly. (Y/N) knew that Jungkook was shy by nature, so he would always be gentle and ask the bunny before doing something.

(Y/N) softly smiled at Jungkook and slowly the youngest hybrid walked over to (Y/N) to get into the hug as well.

The weekend was something the hybrids were always excited about. (Y/N) would finally have no work and would pay attention to them. Even though (Y/N) had told them when each of them got adopted that he was a busy man, but he promised them a warm home and the attention would be during the weekend. And that was why (Y/N) continued to adopt.

He knew they needed attention and love, the reason why he wanted them was to give them a safe and warm safe. He saw how hybrids were treated at different homes and at the shelters. It disgusted him so he just had to adopt a few and a few turned into a seven.

“Where are the others?” (Y/N) asked.

“Jin-hyung and Namjoon-hyung are cooking dinner and Jimin is helping them,” Hoseok answered.

“Jimin helping Jin? I would be less surprised if you told me that it was Yoongi.” (Y/N) chuckled lightly. Hoseok had untangled himself from the other but wrapped his arm around (Y/N)’s. Jungkook was clinging to (Y/N)’s arm. Taehyung had stopped trying to push the bunny hybrid away. A pout formed on his lips. When Jungkook still young, he would scare away from Taehyung. It was by nature that he would be scared from Taehyung, a tiger. The more time went by the more confident Jungkook became.

“It’s supposed to be a surprise,” Jungkook whispered looking at (Y/N).

“Jimin helping?”

“No, the dinner,” Hoseok said.

“We’re not supposed to say what it is.” Taehyung sang glancing at Jungkook. “That’s what a surprise means.”  (Y/N) was trying to not laugh especially when Jungkook glared at Taehyung and tightened his grip around (Y/N)’s arm.

“They wouldn’t let me help.” Jungkook had a pout on his lips and (Y/N) sighed.

“Aw. I’m sorry little bunny. I’m sure you can help next time.” The four got to the living room where Yoongi was laying on the couch. Yoongi’s black ears twitched when he felt the new presence.

“Hey there, Yoongi.” Yoongi looked up and only hummed in response. The humming turned into purring when he felt (Y/N)’s hand next to his ear. “Enjoyed your day?”

“Yeah…” Yoongi mumbled and then sat up. Hoseok let go of (Y/N)’s arm and then sat next to Yoongi, who grumbled under his breath. (Y/N) smiled softly and the glanced at Jungkook.

“How about we sit, huh?”

Yoongi then pushed Hoseok. “Move, dog.” Hoseok yelped but moved so that (Y/N) and Jungkook could sit down. Taehyung sat on his own couch. Yoongi put his head on (Y/N)’s shoulder. Hoseok still had a smile on his face and put his head on Jungkook’s shoulder. Jungkook glanced at the dog. If he didn’t know Hoseok he would have kicked the dog away, but he trusted Hoseok. So he let it slide.

“If the dinner is a surprise, then we should just stay here.” (Y/N) said as he started unbuttoning his blazer and then moved to his untie his tie.

“You know?” Yoongi sighed. “They shouldn’t have told the dog.”

“Well, it’s alright. I’m going to pretend that’s a surprise. And how is it supposed to be a surprise when Jin cooks every time?” Yoongi watched (Y/N) pull his tie from his neck, it became a habit.

“It’s not that he’s cooking. It’s what he’s cooking.” Yoongi explained. (Y/N) hummed an amused smile forming on his lips. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes.

“God, I’m so lucky to have you.”

Jungkook glanced up at (Y/N) watching the older start to fall asleep. He put his head on (Y/N)’s shoulder quietly enjoying the warmth and the soft heartbeat.

It was Jimin who woke (Y/N) up. He shooed the other away to set up the table and to have (Y/N) for himself. He sat on the other’s lap and snaked his arm around (Y/N)’s neck.

Jimin leaned closer to (Y/N)’s ear and hummed a soft tune. “(Y/N).” He then sang. His other hand was on the human’s chest, playing with the buttons. “Wakey, wakey.” Jimin smiled when he saw (Y/N)’s eyes flutter open. (Y/N) tilted his head straight and met Jimin’s bright mischievous eyes. “Dinner is ready.”

“Hey.” (Y/N) had a raspy voice. “They told me you helped. Is that true?”

Jimin’s eyes sparkled. “Maybe. Would you like it more if I did?” He asked with big eyes and to that (Y/N) shrugged his shoulder his shoulders. Jimin huffed and then he stood up. “C’mon, the food is gonna get cold and you won’t see my effort.” When he turned around his brown and white tail nuzzled against (Y/N)’s nose on purpose.

(Y/N) stood up taking off his blazer and put it on the arm of the couch. “Where’s everyone?”

“Already all upstairs, waiting for you,” Jimin answered and then walked next to (Y/N). His tail softly wiggling against (Y/N)’s waist. (Y/N) glanced at the other and Jimin gave him an innocent smile.

When they got to the upstairs’ dining room where everyone was in.

“Was the nap good?” Namjoon asked and walked towards the other. His brown ears sat comfortably against his head. (Y/N) nodded though his gaze drifted to the hot meal. It was his favorite dish.

“So, that’s the surprise.” Namjoon and Jin smiled first.

“You’ve been working so hard.” Namjoon started as he walked closer to the other and then put his hands on his shoulder. Jin came with an excited gleam in his eyes and his white tall ears moved around a bit.

“And we thought this was the best way to say thank you.” Jin licked his lips. “Do you like it?”

“It looks good and I’m very grateful but I haven’t even gotten a taste.” (Y/N) teased the hybrid, who blushed in embarrassment. (Y/N) chuckled lightly. “Let’s sit.”

The dinners he had when he was growing up were always quiet, but these ones weren’t. The hybrids were talkative and talked even when they were enjoying the food. (Y/N) didn’t talk much, he mostly listened and only talked when spoken to. But he did enjoy the chatter around him. It made him feel like he finally came home.

They wanted to watch a movie, not upstairs, but downstairs in the main bedroom. The hybrids gave their big eyes, well the youngest three did their best puppy look. Hoseok jumped in and was the best at it. He prided himself with that. So, that is why the hybrids were all huddled up in (Y/N)’s bed. They all changed up into their sleeping clothes. Jungkook had his head on (Y/N)’s leg and Hoseok had his on the other.

(Y/N) had never expected for him to get so close to them or for them to get so close. He still got overwhelmed with all the affection they gave him. He liked to pet their head and hug them, but cuddling was still very new to him. He was used to sleeping in his bed by himself, till these came along.

Jimin had his head against (Y/N)’s stomach and his hand slipped under (Y/N)’s shirt.

“J-Jimin.” Jimin smiled and tilted his head up to look at the other with big eyes.

“Yes?” He asked innocently.

“Could you…could you take your hand away?” (Y/N) asked shifting a bit making the others groan a bit.

“But I like your skin, it’s so warm.” Jimin pushed the shirt upward to nuzzle his face. (Y/N) was surprised at the skin to skin contact. “And soft.”

“Don’t mind him,” Jin said wrapping his arm (Y/N)’s chest as he nuzzled his face into (Y/N)’s neck. His white ears twitched against (Y/N)’s cheek. Suddenly he felt leg moving in between his own and two hybrids groaned.

“Namjoon.” Hoseok pushed Namjoon’s leg away from his head and Jimin rubbed his head. Namjoon apologized for his long limbs and wrapped his hand around (Y/N)’s shirt. “Why do you have to have such long legs?”

Namjoon pouted. “It’s not my fault.”

“Big bear, you gotta be more careful.” (Y/N) chuckled lightly forgetting about Jimin’s hand and face on his skin. And then pushed his hand into Namjoon’s hair which made the other smile softly. Taehyung had his head on (Y/N)’s stomach with his legs stretched out at the opposite side of Jimin.

Yoongi was resting at the end of the bed by himself. His tail dangling from the end. He wasn’t even paying attention to the movie.

“I don’t want to sound rude…but why are you all so on the skinship?” He could feel the hybrid all tense up at that. Jin and Jimin stopped nuzzling their faces into (Y/N)’s skin. And (Y/N) felt the arms around his leg loosen a bit. “Oh man, it does sound rude. I’m sorry-I just-I never got this kind of affection before.” Namjoon looked at (Y/N) and then let his hand trace his chest.

“We never got that affection either,” Namjoon answered.

“But I thought…I thought that some of you had a home before?” (Y/N) asked a bit confused. There was a long silence.

“Not everyone is as nice as you are, (Y/N).” It Yoongi who spoke up from the bed end. “Not all homes were warm or had beds…for us.” There was a silence again and it was a tense silence.

“I’m sorry that you had to go through that.” (Y/N) said into the silence. Namjoon’s eyebrow frowned looking at (Y/N)

“You shouldn’t have to apologize. It wasn’t-“

“No, let me finish. And I’m sorry I can’t be here for you so much. I should have listened because you are alone and I don’t-“ Yoongi turned around his eyes piercing into (Y/N)’s eyes.

“Are you deaf? You’re the only person who has given place we can call home.”

“But you are lonely…”

“We miss you, yes. But because of you, we also got each other now and we don’t feel that loneliness anymore.” Taehyung spoke up looking at you with his big eyes.

“No one would ever let touch them like this with actual love and no one would touch us like that,” Jungkook spoke up. The two youngest have sat upon their bums.

“And you are here now,” Jin whispered with a smile.

Jimin smiled at that and then started moving upwards to squish himself between (Y/N) and Jin.

“I want to cuddle like that too!” Taehyung that pushed himself in the space of Namjoon and (Y/N). Namjoon let out a sigh but put his arm on Taehyung’s waist. Jungkook stared at the cuddle pile and started feeling left out. Yoongi seemed to have relaxed.

“I-I don’t think we can all fit together.” (Y/N) stuttered out, but felt bad for the three.

“No, Kookie come here!” Jimin patted to side but a lower spot. Jungkook glanced at Yoongi before walking to it using his knees. A light giggle escaped his lips when he fell into the space and Jimin’s hands go into his hair. Quickly the bunny clung into (Y/N)’s shirt and his ears laid against his head just like the ones of Jimin’s.

Hoseok’s eyes grew big and eagerly took the opportunity to lay next Taehyung, who couldn’t help but smile at that. Taehyung’s ears were straight up even when he felt Hoseok’s tail wiggle close to his leg. His own tail was up and brushing against Namjoon’s stomach.

Namjoon had his hand on (Y/N)’s chest and gently tracing patterns and playing with the nightshirt. Jin had his white fluffy ears against his head. Yoongi sighed.

“I’ll just take my spot.”

“Y-Yoongi.” (Y/N)’s eyes widen as the cat hybrid crawled on top of him and then laid his head against (Y/N)’s chest. Jimin pushed into Yoongi’s leg and glaring.

“That’s also my spot.” The fox muttered. Yoongi looked down a small smile forming on his lips before he curled up along.

(Y/N) looked up at the ceiling and let out a big sigh. “This is a lot.” Jin and Namjoon couldn’t help but let out a laugh. (Y/N) smiled when he heard them and then glanced at the two before looking at the others. “But it’s nice to feel warm.” And he noticed how the several grips on him tighten. 

“Warm and safe.” Yoongi mumbled before drifting into a comfortable sleep.

[yumeka36]

Happy birthday, Elsa!

Art credited to  星瓶

A day late on this but felt like doing something to celebrate the birthday of my favorite character~! :3 Below are excerpts from posts I’ve written about Elsa and why I think she’s amazing (and I hope to add more once Frozen 2 comes out!)

---

It’s not hard to see why Elsa has become the iconic figure of Frozen even though Anna is technically the main protagonist. It would have been easy for Disney to make Elsa either a villain (which they were going to do early in the film’s development) or yet another head-strong, reluctant princess yearning for something more. But in the end, she became a more conflicted and sympathetic character than I’m sure anyone imagined for a Disney princess; strong without being dominating or tomboyish, attractive without being girly, vulnerable without being weak, determined without being rebellious, and selfless without being blandly good. There’s an interesting parallel between Elsa and Anna in that, at first, they’re both just trying to do what they think is right – Anna wants to find true love after being sheltered for so long and Elsa wants to become the “good girl” her father wanted and take her place as queen without any trouble. But once her powers are revealed and she realizes how dangerous they’ve become, she isolates herself, not because she wanted to, but because she didn’t want to hurt anyone. And acting on that selfless decision, she discovers the ecstasy of freedom and casting off all the fears she had (fear of hurting others). Making such a noble sacrifice for others, and at the same time, reveling in the freedom of being herself and leaving behind her troubled past, is an appealing quality and is what makes Elsa more complex than the usual Disney protagonist. She doesn’t dream of true love or “something more,” no desires for herself…she just doesn’t want to live with the fear of hurting anyone. “Let It Go” is the embodiment of this transformation, and the song itself is something unique in that it almost seems like a villainous song, with Elsa basically saying “F*ck this sh*t!” by the end of it, yet it’s sung by one of the protagonists, and after we see what she went through up until then, it’s hard not to be sympathetic. I believe it’s also the only Disney song a character sings completely alone, without interacting with any other living thing throughout the sequence, which makes it even more striking. This isn’t to say that the 6-7 other songs in Frozen aren’t great – they are, but for me, “Let It Go” is the most amazing segment of singing+animation I’ve seen. There’s also the thrilling unpredictability, and beauty, of Elsa’s ice powers. It’s never explained exactly how her powers work, but a lot can be interpreted just by observing; for example, the two times she experienced utter grief – when her parents died and when Hans told her she had killed Anna – the snow and ice she creates get suspended in mid-air. The fact that we have to interpret how her powers work rather than being told anything about them makes it even more interesting. Elsa’s design is also something unique, with her snowflake-dotted platinum blonde braid and triangular cape of glittering snowflakes.

But back to her parallel with Anna, as I said, most of what Anna does in the movie is for Elsa’s sake and Arendelle’s, and it’s the same with Elsa; everything she does is to protect Anna and her kingdom. Even when she’s brought back to Arendelle by Hans, once she sees how much worse the winter becomes when she’s there, all she wants to do is get away again, saying how she’s a danger and they have to let her go. But, while she and Anna have similar goals in wanting to protect each other and their home, Anna also wants to mend the relationship with her sister, something Elsa doesn’t try to do, not because she doesn’t want to, but because she feels that it isn’t even a possibility after everything that’s happened. That’s where Anna’s optimism eventually saves the day. She so strongly believes that there’s hope for Elsa (while Elsa feels that there isn’t any) that she’d give her life for it over saving her own.

What’s also interesting about Elsa is that, besides a brief comment by Hans, finding a suitor for her isn’t even brought up. Everyone’s perfectly fine with just a queen ruling them, which is another progressive idea for a Disney movie. Getting a love interest for Elsa is something we may see in a Frozen sequel, and while there are mixed feelings about this within the fandom, I don’t think it’s a bad thing if it’s handled the right way. Seeing how Elsa reacts to romantic love rather than just sisterly love can only enhance her already great character.

Frozen 2 will have been out for a month already by this time next year, so her birthday then is going to be lit~

Art credited to  A-KA

[fandom-madnessess]

Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood ❆ Rating: G, Word Count: 1751 ❆ Human AU, Single Parent Magnus, Fluff, Domestic Fluff, Christmas Cookies, Holidays

For @gingerangelofthursday for the @bytheangeldaily Holiday Gift Exchange. I hope you like it, and have an amazing 2019! ♥

‘Brought the flour you asked,’ Alec says as he steps into the kitchen. He looks and smells cold and windswept, his cheeks and nose red. Snowflakes are melting in his hair.

Magnus is always happy to see his downstairs neighbour, but right now he’s most excited about the bag of flour Alec is carrying under his arm. ‘Thank you.’ Magnus takes the bag and immediately starts measuring out what he needs.

‘Hi, Alec,’ Madzie says a little distractedly. She’s sitting at the kitchen island, a huge sheet of cookie dough rolled out in front of her. She’s carefully cutting out shapes with an assortment of cookie cutters.

‘What are you guys making?’

Magnus vaguely registers the rustling of Alec taking off his coat and the scraping of chair legs as Alec sits down next to Madzie.

‘Cookies,’ Madzie says like it should be obvious.

Alec huffs out a laugh. ‘I can see that. But what for? And why this many? Are you and your dad going to eat nothing but cookies this Christmas?’

‘They’re for school, so children who don’t have money can have a nice Christmas.’

‘Charity bake sale,’ Magnus adds.

‘Ah. Do you need any help?’

Magnus can’t help but smile at Madzie’s narrowed eyes as she looks at Alec, then glances at her dad. Can she trust Alec with this? They’ve both tasted some of his cooking before and it wasn’t… great. Slowly, she hands him a Christmas tree cookie cutter.

‘You can use this one.’

‘Thank you.’ Alec glances at Magnus, eyebrows raised. Magnus quickly goes back to his dough.

They find a rhythm. Magnus makes the dough, Alec helps Madzie cut out the shapes—under Madzie’s strict supervision—and then Magnus puts the cookies in the oven. After a couple hours they have about a hundred cookies in all shapes and sizes. There are quite a few Christmas trees and Santas, but Madzie wanted everyone to have a special cookie, so there are dreidels and snowmen, and a couple other shapes that Magnus can’t really define but he’s sure his daughter has a plan for.

‘Shouldn’t we decorate them?’ Alec asks, already going for the glazing and sprinkles.

‘No!’ Madzie shouts and latches onto his outstretched arm. ‘We have to let them cool down first.’

Alec presses his lips together in a barely suppressed smile and winks at Magnus. Magnus quickly looks away, so he doesn’t betray Alec with a smile of his own.

‘Well, what should we do in the meantime?’ Alec asks Madzie, easily turning her grip on his arm into them holding hands, and follows her to the living room.

‘Can we watch a movie?’

‘Sure, but maybe let Alec pick this time, sweetpea.’

‘I pick Princess and the Frog,’ Alec says.

Madzie marches triumphantly to the television.

‘You really shouldn’t give in to her so easily,’ Magnus sighs.

‘I know, but it’s hard to say no to those pigtails.’

Magnus snorts. ‘She had you wrapped around her little finger from the first time you met.’

‘True,’ Alec chuckles. He shrugs. ‘I don’t mind. So far, she’s never abused her powers.’

‘Are you sure?’ Magnus nods to where the Disney logo is appearing on the screen.

‘It’s an amazing movie,’ Alec protests.

‘Well, while you two are going to watch your amazing movie, I’m going to clean up the kitchen,’ Magnus says, pouting. ‘All on my own. With no one to help me.’

‘Make sure to clean up yourself a little, too,’ Alec teases. Then his hand is cradling Magnus’ cheek and his thumb swipes across Magnus’ cheekbone. Heat gathers where Alec’s palm is warm against his skin, then spreads through his entire body. Magnus forgets to breath for a second. ‘You’re covered in flour.’

When Alec removes his hand Magnus barely resists the urge to chase after that warm pressure.

The kitchen isn’t too big of a mess, but he does need to make room for the decorating. After a quick stop in the bathroom to wash his face, and a change of shirt, he joins Madzie and Alec on the couch.

‘We ordered Chinese,’ Alec tells him. ‘With extra spring rolls for you. For cleaning the kitchen.’ He turns his head and throws Magnus a beatific smile.

‘Thanks. And–‘

‘Shhh!’ Madzie glares at them both, then focusses back on the movie.

Magnus raises his eyebrows and catches Alec’s eye, then quickly looks away before he bursts out laughing.

They have dinner in front of the TV. The movie ends and Madzie drags them back to the kitchen to decorate the cookies. She gives them very specific instructions for how each is to be decorated, then stage whispers to Magnus to keep a close eye on Alec. Alec throws Magnus an affronted look when Madzie can’t see him, but Magnus supports his daughter on this one. Alec needs to be watched when it comes to preparing any kind of food, since, according to Madzie, he can even mess up a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

‘Are you going to helps sell the cookies?’ Madzie asks, looking up from the snowman she’s decorating and turning to Alec.

‘I don’t think I’m allowed.’ At Madzie’s confused frown Alec explains, ‘I’m not a parent or family.’

‘Oh.’

‘Although, I could always pretend to be your dad’s boyfriend. You think that’ll get me in?’

Madzie turns with shining eyes to Magnus, silently pleading, but there’s something else there, too. Something that means she’s plotting.

‘Sure,’ Magnus says. ‘Alec can pretend to be my boyfriend to help sell the cookies.’

‘Yesss,’ Madzie grins, casts another look between the two men, and goes back to decorating.

Magnus can’t remember the last time he had this much fun, or felt so completely at peace. He doesn’t want the night to ever end, but Madzie has school the next day, which means she has to go to bed on time.

He sends her off to put on her pyjamas and brush her teeth, while he and Alec clean up all the spilled glazing and sprinkles. She’s barely in the hallway when she turns around and fixes both men with her gaze.

‘You can each have one cookie tonight,’ she says. ‘Just one.’

‘Thank you,’ Alec says, a serious look on her face.

‘We’ll only take one each,’ Magnus promises.

Madzie nods and continues on her way.

‘She’ll count them tomorrow, won’t she?’ Alec asks.

‘Oh, definitely,’ Magnus says. ‘She’ll get up extra early to make sure she has the time to count them twice.’

Alec chuckles, and starts loading the dishwasher.

‘She’s a great kid, Magnus.’

‘I know.’

‘She’s lucky to have you.’

‘Thank you.’ It’s barely more than a whisper, and it’s a struggle to get the words past the lump in his throat.

Madzie calls for Magnus when she’s ready for bed, and when he walks in, she’s already lying under the covers, the book she’s going to read by her flashlight barely tucked under her pillow. Magnus pretends he doesn’t see it. He’ll check on her in an hour.

‘Daddy,’ Madzie starts the second he walks into the room.

‘Yes, sweetpea?’

‘What if you asked Alec to really be your boyfriend? Then he wouldn’t have to pretend to come to the bake sale.’

‘Madzie…’

She sits up. ‘You smile more when he’s here. And he smiles when he looks at you.’

Magnus sits down on the edge of the mattress with a sigh. ‘Well, we’re friends. We like spending time together.’

Madzie looks unimpressed. ‘He’s here all the time. He’s come over every day this week.’

‘Well…’ Magnus has no idea what to say. He’s getting called out on his crush by his own daughter. ‘What if it doesn’t work out?’

‘It will.’

‘And you would be okay with that? With me dating Alec?’

‘I wouldn’t say it if I wasn’t.’ Madzie’s expression goes a little sad. ‘You should be happy, daddy. You’re always happy when we’re hanging out with Alec.’

For the second time that night, there’s a lump stuck in Magnus’ throat. He pulls Madzie into a hug and presses a kiss to the top of her head.

‘You are wise beyond your years, sweetpea.’

‘I am the best at English and Maths,’ Madzie reminds him.

‘I know. I saw your report cart.’ Magnus lets her back down and tucks her in. ‘You brush your teeth?’

‘Yes.’ There are very few things that Magnus’ loves more than the exasperated tone his daughter uses when she says this.

He presses one more kiss to her forehead, and makes sure she’s tucked in tight. ‘Good night, sweetpea.’

‘Good night.’

Magnus turns off the light and closes her door. He hears the snick of the flashlight turning on before he’s taken a step.

‘What are you thinking about?’

Magnus blinks. He’s sitting next to Alec on the couch, wine glass in one hand, a cookie in the other. He’d been so lost in thought about what Madzie had said, that he hadn’t realized he’d sat down, or even come back to the living room. He shakes his head and throws Alec a small smile.

‘Nothing.’

Alec raises an eyebrow. ‘You haven’t said a word since you came back from saying good night to Madzie. Is everything okay?’

‘Everything is fine. It’s just…’ Magnus looks at Alec. He really looks, and what he sees is that Alec is perfectly at home here. He doesn’t behave like a guest; helping with the washing up without being asked, ordering food, pouring drinks for the two of them. He even has his own key. ‘It’s just something Madzie says.’

Alec doesn’t say anything, just waits for Magnus to continue.

‘She says that I smile more when you’re here. And that you smile whenever you look at me.’

A blush creeps up Alec’s cheeks, but he doesn’t look away. Instead, he smiles and says, ‘You give me plenty of reason to smile.’

Magnus feels the heat creeping into his own cheeks, but he doesn’t look away either. ‘She also said I should ask you to really be my boyfriend.’

‘Well, we wouldn’t have to lie to the other parents and teachers tomorrow.’

‘Is that a yes?’ Magnus’ heart hammers in his chest, full of hope.

‘We haven’t even gone on a date yet.’

‘Do you need a date?’

Alec shakes his head, leaning in, giving Magnus plenty of time to pull back. ‘No,’ he whispers into the space between them.

Magnus closes the distance. Alec tastes of sugar and wine. And it’s perfect.

[punkscowardschampions]

Joe & Ronnie

Joe: how much you got on you rn Ronnie: enough for me Ronnie: you aint piggybacking Joe: enough for me then Joe: not suggesting you send it first class Joe: 'less you know how to do that Ronnie: I do but in what world mckenna Joe: however much you reckon you'd need to do it Joe: i'll double it Ronnie: use that ingenuity for your own score Joe: yeah whatever Joe: all chat Ronnie: like ive got anything to prove to you Ronnie: least of all how well i can be your bitch when you holler at me Ronnie: cry is more accurate Joe: fuck sake Joe: forget about it Joe: it's a stupid idea Joe: you gonna give me a better one Ronnie: not one for the scrapbook was it cunt Ronnie: dry your eyes & do your own running Ronnie: you need me to hold your hand everytime now Ronnie: big enough to take it go find it Joe: ha ha Joe: like I'm running anywhere Ronnie: this where we play doctor yeah Ronnie: you tell me how bad it hurts & I make it better for you Joe: exactly Joe: now we're on the same page Ronnie: nah you think you can tear out some pages & spit ball em at me to get my attention but why should I give a shit bout these playground games boy just 'cause you heading back home to your mammy Ronnie: im sound Ronnie: dont care how loud you're crying she's the one who's gotta show up for that Joe: i don't want yor attention Joe: i want some heroin Ronnie: maybe she's still got old school connections Ronnie: find her little black book son Joe: maybe Joe: one of you could be useful like Ronnie: wounded & bleeding Ronnie: shit junkie you are house full of people to shake up & shit to steal but you coming to me Joe: just looking for that big sisterly advice Joe: obviously Ronnie: fuck you Ronnie: you sound like the littlest one what is he 4 like Joe: feel it Ronnie: trying to make my heart bleed now yeah Ronnie: grow a fucking pair before it really hurts Joe: if you wanted to scare me you shouldn't have given me the gear Joe: realistically too late anyway but who wants to hear or think about my idyllic childhood yeah Ronnie: if you couldnt hack it you shouldve cried off then Ronnie: save the tears now Joe: and i thought i was the only one with obsessive thought spirals Joe: when i get some i'll remember to feel good about how much you miss me Ronnie: like youre special baby Ronnie: please Ronnie: weve all got mad minds hows that not clicked in yours Ronnie: how many kids shes squeezed out & you reckon were the only self medicating Ronnie: hit up another sibling to fix you Joe: am though Joe: she's always told me Joe: ⭐ boy Ronnie: talk her up with that foreplay Ronnie: be good for £££s Joe: no tah Joe: not my type Joe: and it's only ever worked on you Joe: but you've given me another idea so cheers Ronnie: i dunno whats funnier that youre trying to tell me you dont wanna slip your mum one or you reckon you know what works on me Joe: lemme know when you work it out Joe: 👍 Ronnie: let me know when youve stopped playing happy families Joe: you reckon i wanna be here Ronnie: didnt see no fingernail marks on my floor or walls Ronnie: still reckon you were dragged though yeah Joe: check your thighs Joe: ain't all perks being the favourite 💔 Ronnie: [sends him pics cos that bitch haha] Ronnie: grow a pair whipping boy Ronnie: before she says jump youre on the ledge Ronnie: its pathetic mckenna Joe: see Joe: ain't been that long Joe: only feels it, babe Ronnie: you'll need all that sweet talk for the local dope dealer Ronnie: but if you wanna think of me when you're turning tricks for them it'll go easier Joe: lovely as that'd be Joe: not in progressive london now Joe: gonna have to pay like the rest, worst luck Ronnie: go beg for your pocket money then kidda Ronnie: before she picks a new fave Ronnie: younger & prettier like Joe: nah Joe: we want her to Joe: remember Joe: then me and more importantly my student loans can come back Ronnie: bullshit if you wanted her to you wouldn't have gone Ronnie: you love it Joe: can't just go way uni and never come back Joe: send out a search party Ronnie: use your ⭐ as a beacon cant they Joe: let's hope not Joe: i come here Joe: keeps 'em away rest of the time Joe: yeah Ronnie: if you want em to fuck off commit to it Ronnie: stop being such a pussy Joe: ain't that easy Ronnie: find a ditch to lie down in Ronnie: it ain't hard Ronnie: youre a junkie motherfuckers don't support that Joe: far as they know Joe: i ain't Joe: let 'em catch up Ronnie: do it yourself if you wanna slam the door Joe: see how this goes Joe: not really thinking about them right now Joe: you know Ronnie: youre on one about that lot constantly Joe: just on one constantly full stop Joe: why else would i need the shit Ronnie: dont need to go that hard playing doctor baby Joe: 💘 Joe: you always know just what to say Ronnie: not used to you talking Joe: i know i know Joe: in an ideal world neither of us would be here Ronnie: like not born yeah Ronnie: but she cant keep her legs closed Joe: such a dreamer, you Ronnie: not the one who cant get high without their hand held Joe: n'awh Joe: that's the dream Joe: so romantic too Ronnie: yeah im living it loads of gear close & you far as Ronnie: greedy prick Joe: miss you too baby Joe: in a bit tho, gotta go pick up Ronnie: fuck off soft lad Ronnie: you miss me spoon feeding you Ronnie: you cant talk to me with a dealers cock in your mouth I know Ronnie: multitasking hard enough pretending not to be junkie scum yeah Joe: sure the whole mummy kink ain't your thing Joe: i'll try and get involved but kinda a mood killer Joe: which is kinda rude, know you don't want me to score Ronnie: thats all yours but I'll try anything once Ronnie: 'cause a whinging dope sick baby is really a turn on for me like Ronnie: just gotta keep that going Joe: no judgment here Joe: gotta do what you gotta do Ronnie: you gotta Ronnie: im sound Joe: and i'm happy for you Ronnie: lie to them don't lie to me Joe: alright Joe: will be a bit when I get mine but still Joe: you don't have to be here so Ronnie: you dont Ronnie: grow up & cut the fucking apron strings Joe: you've stopped being helpful for the day? Joe: right then Ronnie: fuck you Ronnie: not flying over to fuck you cos your ma aint in the mood & thats as helpful as it gets Joe: why not Ronnie: youve got another sister Ronnie: see if shes into it Joe: but you're so special yeah Ronnie: but shes a good grooming age Joe: leave it out Ronnie: or what Joe: or what Ronnie: asked you first joseph Joe: alright veronica Ronnie: alright weak cunt Joe: probably Ronnie: pick up before you make me sick Ronnie: jesus Joe: waiting on the man Joe: as per Ronnie: if id known rattling had made you shit out your whole spine id have sucked his dick for you & sped things along Joe: so sweet Joe: one of the many things I like about you Ronnie: list just gets longer the longer youre away yeah Ronnie: dont come back & maybe you'll fall in love Joe: i know you want that less than you want me back Joe: don't lie Ronnie: you care what I want now Ronnie: 💘 Joe: only when it benefits me too, darling Joe: junkie scum 101 Joe: was on my timetable like Ronnie: theyve really done a number on you if youre on your knees for my truth Joe: who Joe: mummy dearest or my school Ronnie: take your pick Joe: ain't tryna hide it Joe: just doing my bit to be the whiny baby you want rn Ronnie: cheers then Ronnie: nailed that Ronnie: tell your ma i finally get how she feels 'cause its too late to get you scraped out Joe: 😂 Joe: on it Joe: assuming i ain't 'bout to get kneecapped Joe: or worse Joe: stood up 💔 Ronnie: i'll cross my fingers for raped & robbed Ronnie: standard Joe: you know i ain't gonna have that much of a good time without you 💘 Ronnie: stop trying to make me say I hate you so you can rub one out Ronnie: i dont do sexting Joe: worth a shot Joe: just killing time here Joe: trying not to puke Ronnie: hot Joe: mhmm Joe: like that attempt at enthusiasm Ronnie: you really know how to make a girl wet what can I say Ronnie: gotta romance my dealer out of want instead of need now Joe: thought I'd return the favour Joe: just how I roll Ronnie: course you do golden boy Joe: you ain't that mad about it Joe: i know Ronnie: i aint as fucking thick as you so again course Joe: true Joe: [time for drew to show and not deliver] Ronnie: made up about all these compliments Ronnie: who knew you could be this much on my tits from this distance Joe: just that good Joe: obviously Ronnie: you aint shit Ronnie: don't lie Joe: whatever Joe: can't touch me now Ronnie: only your ma is turned on at the sight of you Ronnie: but she will Joe: alright Joe: cba rn Ronnie: how are you still crying Ronnie: did he not show Joe: he did Joe: but he was about 12 and had no gear Joe: got enough tranqs to knock out an elephant but still Ronnie: when i told you to hit up your siblings i meant the freckled one not one of the toddlers Joe: yeah right Joe: like he knows a great smack dealer, even if we did talk Ronnie: hes a coke head Ronnie: give him 5 Joe: nah Joe: opposite direction Joe: only way is up Ronnie: whatever just get on a plane Joe: yeah Joe: i'm gonna Joe: fuck this Ronnie: ill be waiting with shit that aint a fucking joke Ronnie: you can owe me Joe: yeah? Joe: good Ronnie: don't talk me out of it Ronnie: christ you're annoying Joe: 🤐 Ronnie: only want you back on your feet so I can kick em out from under you myself Joe: hot Ronnie: like you said, it ain't been that long Ronnie: you know I am Joe: yeah Joe: where was this distraction when I really really needed it tho Ronnie: baby when have I ever been good for you Ronnie: selfish to my core Ronnie: we're here for me Joe: works for me Ronnie: just get to the airport & stop fannying about Joe: I've already taken 'em so hold on Joe: no packing now never mind going through customs Ronnie: fuck's sake Joe: i had to Ronnie: when then Joe: still today Joe: just later Ronnie: fuck you Ronnie: call me Ronnie: maybe i'll answer if it ain't too late Joe: can i call you now too Joe: i gotta stay awake Ronnie: I'm good but no guarantees I'm that good Joe: they ain't kicked in that good yet either Joe: just keep my eyes on the road yeah Ronnie: how much did you pay for baby aspirin mckenna Joe: was cheap as fuck at least Joe: just a kid Joe: barely broke a 50 for all of these so Joe: [photo] Ronnie: not as green as you feel yeah Joe: want me to bring some back Ronnie: too late to rob the boy now Ronnie: & you'll take em yourself before you see me I know you Joe: yeah Joe: i will Joe: but had good intentions, babe Ronnie: take em to church Ronnie: what use is that shit to me Ronnie: gimme bad ideas or don't come around Joe: got plenty of those come on Ronnie: like what Ronnie: come on Joe: what Joe: tryna focus here Ronnie: you wanna stay awake Ronnie: play the game Joe: alright Joe: yeah Joe: you gonna come back to mine Joe: flatmate's gone home Ronnie: are you gonna make it worth it if she's not there to kick in the teeth Joe: won't need to miss her once I'm back Ronnie: fucked her yet? Ronnie: we could do it together Ronnie: I dont normally slip one to virgins but I already made the exception for you Joe: no and funny Joe: keep me as the only exception Joe: how else will i feel special Ronnie: keep hitting up preteen dealers that'll help Joe: he was pretty Ronnie: if im ever in the area like Joe: i wish Ronnie: you & your ma both Ronnie: my turn to feel special Joe: weird ain't it Ronnie: for me Ronnie: you love it Joe: nah Ronnie: not a question Ronnie: you do Joe: don't Ronnie: liar Joe: maybe from you Joe: I'll allow it Ronnie: those pills better be kicking in Ronnie: if youre chatting this much shit sober you can stay in ireland Joe: 😂 Joe: they are Ronnie: book a flight Ronnie: i ain't your ma im not doing it Joe: lemme get home, like Joe: be more obvious you're tryna kill me Ronnie: what im trying to do Ronnie: you gonna call that your home now Joe: you know what i mean Ronnie: yeah Ronnie: i know youre full of shit, mckenna Joe: nah Joe: just bars Joe: make it up to you Ronnie: bullshit Ronnie: x it as many times as fits Joe: k Joe: prove it when i see you Ronnie: you reckon Joe: not a question Ronnie: nah just bold claims for someone who still fucks like a virgin & has to check in with his ma Ronnie: can you without her permission Joe: get the slip signed if you're so worried Joe: chill out Ronnie: fuck off Ronnie: couple of chewable vitamins & you're chill yeah Joe: you said you got loads Ronnie: I said enough Ronnie: & that was before babysitting you Ronnie: you make me need to spike every vein Joe: need Joe: want Joe: same diff we both know it Ronnie: not trying to make it matter baby Ronnie: put any words in my mouth you want Ronnie: or need Joe: here Joe: wish me luck on telling 'em i'm off Joe: or don't Ronnie: i'll do it for you Ronnie: point me at the relevant mckennas Joe: even stoned Joe: know that ain't a good idea Ronnie: pussy Joe: love u 2 Ronnie: 💋 Joe: [suitable amount of hours for the shit to wear off to a manageable level, avoid the parents and get out on the sly] Joe: [airport photo] Joe: tada Ronnie: we reckoned you'd bottled it Joe: taken a poll like Ronnie: yeah know you like to feel special Joe: warms my cold dead 💘 Joe: honest Ronnie: walk your corpse to me then Joe: and she says she don't sext Ronnie: you wanna be the only exception so bad or what Joe: you know how bad i want it Ronnie: dont leave again & maybe I'll buy it Joe: being dopesick was almost a nice distraction from thinking about you Ronnie: that warms my 🖤 Joe: thought so Joe: nothing does it quite like me being near-death yeah Ronnie: i do like you pathetic Ronnie: but don't think that any of it comes close to me yeah Joe: you saying you're better than heroin Ronnie: im saying you think you were hurting earlier Ronnie: ill show you pain Ronnie: all you have to do is fuck off again Joe: i won't Joe: i need to be there Joe: with you Ronnie: leave me & I will fucking break you Ronnie: i mean it Joe: i know Joe: i'm not gonna Ronnie: how did you get out Joe: parents weren't in but i said a uni friend was in a car accident and they couldn't get hold of his parents Joe: going hell anyway Joe: and someone on my course was hit by a car so if any of them are that concerned to go snooping Ronnie: thats beautiful Ronnie: you're not as much of a useless waster as youve sounded for most of the day like Joe: steady Joe: was almost not an insult Ronnie: who isn't turned on by a good lie Joe: only when I lie to you Joe: got it Ronnie: don't you fucking dare lie to me Joe: couldn't if i wanted to Ronnie: think about what kind of welcome back you want Ronnie: 'cause I can be nice or not nice Ronnie: its on you & what you say to me Joe: baby Joe: already told you I basically missed you more than heroin, how nice can one boy be Ronnie: you wont be saying that when I hand the gear over Joe: yeah i will Joe: been on you longer Ronnie: its fucking good though Joe: yeah Joe: ain't gonna say otherwise Ronnie: paid more & got better so you won't wanna leave Ronnie: dont have to rely on pretty preteens around here Joe: you know i didn't wanna leave in the first place Ronnie: i know you keep saying it like it makes a difference Joe: tell me what will and i'll do it Ronnie: i'll burn your passport that will Joe: burn my passport Joe: that's what you want? Ronnie: what do you have to go running to them for Ronnie: that's what I wanna know Ronnie: what the fuck is there for you Ronnie: cant even get a fix Joe: nothing, never has been Joe: it's obligation though Joe: you get it, i know you've done some shit just 'cos charlie wants to Joe: or 'cos bronson need it Ronnie: that's different Joe: why Ronnie: I ain't going round bullshitting how much i hate 'em on the one breath & in the other dropping everything for the pair of 'em Ronnie: ride or die is that Joe: okay so it is different Joe: it's more complicated Ronnie: fuck complicated its black & white Joe: nah like Joe: whatever i reckon about them Joe: i still owe 'em Joe: for now Joe: debts to pay like Ronnie: how ain't it been paid Ronnie: they ain't done you right since you were a kid Ronnie: if ever Ronnie: a roof & food that's easily totalled Joe: i dunno Joe: shit ton of interest Joe: learnt from the best debt collectors in liverpool, like Ronnie: write it off Ronnie: is when youre dead Joe: tell 'em that's my payment plan Ronnie: talking it out is your first mistake Ronnie: when the fuck has that worked on anyone who comes to collect Ronnie: dont even buy you time just makes you look a doss cunt more than you are Joe: maybe i can convince my da but you know she's biased Joe: all i have to do is get uni done and they can tick it off as a success Ronnie: i dont know jack about her Ronnie: how i want it Ronnie: if i aint read it off a file as a kid i don't need to hear it Joe: yeah Joe: but i ain't telling you i'm golden boy 'cos it seems cool am i Joe: whatever i'm gone now Ronnie: you're telling me 'cause you wanna trade wounds since I won't have your stories off you Ronnie: burn it into your arm deeper & maybe I'll pay attention Joe: you know it ain't about you, babe Joe: anyway, if we were still being nice I'd tell you none of the usual shit works to get you outta my head so thanks for that one Ronnie: ive been saying all day it's about her & I ain't competing with your fucking ma alright Ronnie: she smothered you poor baby Ronnie: you wanna try neglect its real easy Ronnie: feels better too Joe: you're the one who keeps bringing her up, yeah Joe: you want me to be that cunt Joe: easy Joe: I bet it was better, lucky you Ronnie: youre the one who ran home to have her tuck you in again Ronnie: youre that cunt Ronnie: mama's boy Joe: fuck's sake Joe: yeah alright Ronnie: you're the cunt who has the nerve to come crying to me when your mommy would shoot you up if you asked her to Joe: you reckon Joe: considering her dad was and she don't even hate yours as much i'll go with a no on that one Joe: plenty of sad stories I've heard and you ain't need to Ronnie: I reckon golden boy Ronnie: loves you as much as I love gear yeah Ronnie: & not trying to throw another baby away so you're welcome for the free pass Joe: cheers Joe: feels great Ronnie: you gonna cry again mckenna Joe: if i do i'll send you photos, don't worry Ronnie: 💘 Ronnie: send me some either way Joe: you're a headfuck you know Ronnie: yeah Ronnie: dealer said it last time I fucked him Joe: you want fresh line Joe: 👌 Ronnie: give it to me then Joe: give me the flight to think of something you ain't heard before Ronnie: it ain't long enough Joe: fair there's plenty of shit i can say that you ain't heard for real before Joe: but it'd be a copout so i'll keep trying Ronnie: like what Joe: how many of your brothers you fucked lik4 Ronnie: don't reckon freckles is interested Ronnie: leaves me the gay & the kid Ronnie: what about your sister that'd be hot like Joe: they're all kids, just so you know Ronnie: no they ain't Ronnie: i know you lost your virginity to me but don't reckon they're waiting Joe: you wish Joe: hopefully just on the first count Ronnie: you're a sick boy Ronnie: 💋🖕 Joe: you too baby Joe: 💘 Ronnie: thats not some shit I ain't heard before Joe: just truth though Joe: no lying Ronnie: feels like one Ronnie: I'm good Joe: what you want me to say to that Ronnie: say what you wanna say Ronnie: again not your ma Joe: i'm good then Ronnie: truth or lie Joe: lie but not a big one Joe: true once i'm off this plane Ronnie: you out of sweeties or they're just that sugar free Joe: i'm trying to time it just right Joe: then i can actually just a decent amount and not be in a coma for you Ronnie: alright fuck Ronnie: you win Ronnie: nobody's said that to me before Joe: i mean it Joe: i want you first Ronnie: don't say this shit when you're on the wrong side of a plane ride Ronnie: jesus mckenna Joe: gotta make sure you miss me too Ronnie: you're such a cunt Joe: yeah Joe: you still want me though Ronnie: shut the fuck up Joe: why Ronnie: what do you want me to say Joe: you don't have to say anything Joe: but I ain't gonna shut up about how I ain't been able to get you out of my head this whole time Ronnie: yeah you said im a headfuck Ronnie: more than your family & the gear Ronnie: I'll take it Joe: better though Joe: you know Joe: so I'll take it and all Ronnie: you're a headfuck Ronnie: what are you being nice to me for Joe: you said it could go one of two ways Joe: you want me to be mean Ronnie: I want you to be here Ronnie: but you ain't Joe: I'm coming Ronnie: & I'm waiting on you Ronnie: what the fuck Joe: I know Ronnie: I hate you Ronnie: I'm losing it, do you know that Joe: I'm sorry Ronnie: what am I gonna do with that Joe: I don't know Joe: what do you want me to do Ronnie: what can you do Ronnie: can't even score by yourself Ronnie: worse than a fucking kid Joe: was desperate Joe: and it was your idea Ronnie: thats how it is every time Ronnie: you don't have any fucking idea 'cause I'm here cupping your balls & wiping your arse for you Joe: you've been giving me an easy ride of it yeah Joe: alright Ronnie: youre gonna try & call bullshit on that yeah Joe: nah i just had no idea you were being so generous Joe: would've got you a keychain at least Ronnie: fuck you Joe: you too Ronnie: get one with sharp edges we can make a blood oath or some shit Ronnie: maybe after you'll grow the hell up Joe: sure Joe: it's my speciality yeah Ronnie: cutting's more mine but you can have it Ronnie: same old shit gets boring yeah Joe: we can share Joe: she'd be proud Ronnie: my aspiration in life Ronnie: cheers Joe: obvs mine too Ronnie: you brought her up then not me Joe: reckon you owed me that one so Joe: even Ronnie: 💋🖕 Joe: you're cute Ronnie: say that again & you'll be swallowing teeth Joe: don't worry, that was hot Joe: you won it back Ronnie: go to hell mckenna Joe: you wanna be with me forever Joe: 💘 Ronnie: just reckoning you'll get there quicker than you will this fucking airport Joe: just be glad I didn't try to get back in at rush hour Ronnie: be glad im still waiting Joe: ain't gonna waste words on it Joe: show you Ronnie: 💘

[kpopidolsarehumanstoo]

“Going Out” Xu Minghao (the8): Drabble

Pairing: Xu Minghao (seventeen) x male reader

Genre: Fluff with no plot lol

Relationship with reader: Theyve been dating for about a year now.

Quick Summary: Seventeen was given a much needed week off, Minghao decided to celebrate it with (m/n).

Warning: Cursing, It gets quite steamy at the end.

A/N: Please dont go too hard on me this is my first time posting a creation of mine here in tumblr dkhjgilhsrlgsdlvbns. Anyways thankyou to the people who supported me to post something Yall makin me UWU. Im actually shocked I got support heheh. So here is sum mediocre shit for yall lol. I hope that yall somehow like it.

Words: 1174

Today was your lazy day. Being the absolute lazy slob that you are your room was littered with trash, mostly potato chips, and some stray popcorn from your movie night with friends last night. Your friends left long ago and here you are laying on your bed waiting for some seventeen updates from every possible social media platform.

For some reason Minghao hasn’t messaged or called you. Which was weird considering that hes the type of person to update you on everything, (everything including stolen photos of the members, you were sworn to secrecy). Your mind started pointing out all the possibilities, maybe hes drunk, maybe he was so tired he fell asleep early, maybe him and Mingyu did something stupid that led to Woozi killing them. A lot of possibilities, hopefully not the last one.

You felt defeated, tired of waiting. You stood up, about to go to the kitchen when all of a sudden your phone rang. You saw the caller ID and immediately swooped down and answered.

“Are you still alive?” You calmly said to the phone.

“Good morning to you too Baobei.” He answered.

“So what happened last night?” You asked.

You went downstairs to prepare yourself breakfast, You tried to find something but soon enough you just decided for an apple since you didn’t feel like cooking.

“The manager decided to give us the week off!” It was evident on his voice that he was really excited. He has missed you quite a lot and he just wanted to shower you with love.

“That’s amazing! Will you be coming here?” You were ecstatic.

“You see.. about that.” Your face was immediately replaced by a scowl.

“Don’t bail on me bitch.”

An exaggerated gasp was heard from the other side. “I would never. How dare you think so lowly of me.” The bitch started fake crying and you just had to roll your eyes. You sat down to your couch and turned on the TV.

“Spill.”

“I was kinda maybe thinking we should I don’t know go out on a date or something.” He said acting all cute.

“Sure.”

“Sure? What do you mean sure?! I was so scared to ask you out on a date and you just answer with sure?? m/n Istg I’m gonna choke you when we see each other again.”

“Dude.” You sighed.”Weve been dating for almost a year. Weve had sex, yet youre still afraid of taking me out on a date? How does that make sense?”

“Fuck you m/n.”

“Sorry, I don’t feel like being a bottom right now.” You smirked.

“Bitch.” he breathed out.

“Back at you.”

There was a quietness that enveloped the both of you. The both of you having a sense of calmness listening to each others breaths was enough to make the both of you happy. 

With Minghao being an idol, the both of you rarely see eachother, so the lack of physical contact was compensated with listening to each other.

Many people found it weird that the couple would simply listen to each other breathe without a word spoken. Seungkwans mind could simply not comprehend why the couple did that. I mean you couldn’t really blame him, I mean Seungkwan never keeps his mouth shut while talking to Vernon.

The both of you liked it this way. Because sometimes, Silence speaks louder than words.

“So where are we going?” You said breaking the peaceful silence that the both of you established.

“Well I booked us a private area at that fancy restaurant by the bay.”

“Nice Ive always wanted to go there. Apparently their lobsters are amazing.”

“I booked us at 9pm so we have to go there at around 8:30.“

You turned around to look at the clock.

“Its like 9am right now. We still have a lot of time, you should come here. I miss you.”

“Ill be there at around 10 ok?”

“Sure”

And with that you ended the call. 10 am is still quite a long way to go so you started to busy yourself with cooking the both of you Brunch.

Just as you finished preparing your meal the door bell rang and you opened it only to be jumped on by Minghao. The both of you stumbled on the floor but he didn’t care and sat on your lap.

“I missed you so much baobei!!!” He said while peppering you with kisses all around your face. 

“Missed you too dude.” The kisses immediately stopped and he got off you.

“Seriously? I call you baobei and yet you call me dude?” He said while putting on a pouty face.

“Aww what a cutie my baby is.” You cooed trying to pinch his cheeks but he evaded and sat on your couch and continued pouting like a child.

You see that he just wants your attention so you went to the pouty Minghao, hugged him, and started to cuddle with him on the couch with him being the small spoon and you the big spoon. You missed his warmth, it was moments like this that made you all fluffy and you just want to protect this smol bean. You took a whiff of his cologne, the smell that had you fall for him.

“I’m not gonna talk to you until you give me a pet name other than dude.” He said through his pout.

You pulled him closer.

“What do you want me to call you?” You said while comfortably listening to his breathing.

Suddenly Minghao turned around to face you. The both of your breaths intermingled and you were starting to blush. His eyes bore deep into you, those eyes that you could stare at forever. His face always mesmerized you, he looked so aggressive and mean but in reality he was the sweetest thing you could ever meet. Your heart starts to beat faster as you thank the heavens above for giving you such a beautiful person.

“I want you to call me baobei.” He said in a whisper.

He leaned in and took your lips unto his. The kiss was sensual and slow, the both of you trying to savour each second. Your pace started to quicken as you change your position on top of him. He started to give himself to you and you start to assert dominance as you continue to travel lower to his collarbone. You stopped and looked at him.

He was utterly beautiful. With Minghao breathless and desperate you were just in awe at how amazing he looked. You kissed his lips once more.

“I don’t think Ill be able to call you baobei. Too much mouth work.” You  spoke as you sucked his collar bone and he releases a small moan in return.

“True.” He said breathless. “You should put that mouth somewhere else.” He said with a sly grin. You smirked in return and slowly unbuttoned his shirt.

“Lets continue this in my room.” You said suggestively.

“Gladly.” The both of you went upstairs and proved to each other how much you missed one another.

A/n: That’s it guys its finally done. My first drabble. Please tell me what you think about its my first time UwU. It was supposed to be fluff but it ended up quite steamy lol. But I honestly aint mad. Like it turned out quite good. Please support me \ ^o^ /.

Baobei means baby in chinese UwU.

[simkjrs]

chapter 6 asks that are people that i personally victimized

Anonymous said: hi um what the fuck

good question. i’d like to know as well

Anonymous said: I. Am. Shook. Holy shit that chapter. NO WONDER IT TOOK SO LONG. YOU HAD TO PACK SO MANY DAMN EMOTIONS IN IT LITERALLY LEFT ME BREATHLESS BY THE END 

Anonymous said: playing those two songs on repeat while reading ch 6 and trying not to sob cuz this is long (thank you!) and its hard to read through tears man

interesting fact: i cried while writing this chapter. balance

Anonymous said: You have killed me with chapter 6. I am I'm going to die. Again. I have already died reading chapter 2 of MSA and loved it and died and was actually awake all night dying. Oh my god. Chapter 7 and chapter 3 are going to kill me aren't they? I cant wait!

dear diary, my teenage angst bullshit now has a body count 

Anonymous said: The new chapter was amazing and also caused my early death, thanks again!

body count: 2

Anonymous said: Ajhhhhh I have been slain by the new chapter it's so good I read it too fast when can we expect a new update????? Also deku pls. Pls. Just no. Take care of yourself!!!! U 2 simkjrs 

i’m sorry, i don’t have an update schedule!! chapters 1-4 were regular updates because i’d already written them before i started posting the chapter, but now i’m just writing as i go along and... irl stuff tends to get in the way lmao. hopefully an update before the end of summer. 

Anonymous said: simk i was just thinking this wasn't that bad hey this is like normal like where you move on make a friend who supports you confront your enemies BUT HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK THE ENTIRE CLASS VERSUS IZUKU AND SHINSOU that shit doesn't happen in real life that's motherfucking teriffying. URARAKA ALONE IS TERRIFYING ENOUGH. simk, why would you do this.

because i love dying and being dead... 

this stuff wouldn’t happen in real life except class 1-a is full of go-getters who WILL stick their nose into your business and WILL barge in if they think they can help. which is, for izuku, unfortunate. very unfortunate 

Anonymous said: well i read chapter six of byggualom and congrats, u've killed me, i am dead, on so many levels

body count: 3

@hyperhs​ said: That chapter was BRUTAL but also a MASTERPIECE. WELL DONE. like, really really REALLY well done. SO GOOD. AhhhdkHHH

thank you!! i try my best

@ifiwasafruitloop​ said: I burnt my Ramen because I was bingeing your new chap dude lol, it's so good 👍

i burnt your ramen... can you ever forgive these hands for what theyve done...

Anonymous said: I'm full of Viking bad emotions and WHY. I WANT OT PUNCH SOMEONE. AND SHINSOU NO. I OFFICIALLY HATE URARARUKA HOW THE FUCK DO YOU SPELL AND ALMOST EVERYONE IN CLASS A

i have no explanation. im sorry i did this 

@the-swords-of-summer​ said: hey! its me again, dunno if u remember but i screamed abt how much i love your 'but you gotta get up at least once more' fic :)) really glad to see your latest update even tho u probs killed most of your readers (including me) ahaha. hope you have a gr8 day and im looking forward to chapter 7!!

thank you!! sorry if you sent me a previous message and i didnt reply. its probably buried in here summer. but know that i appreciate any and all messages of support i get 

Anonymous said: i already left this as a review but i believe it's worth repeating: AHHHH????????????!!!!!!!??!!AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

me: [slurps up your suffering loudly through a bendy straw] 

Anonymous said: Cant tell u how much that ch crushed me and my legs and feet are numb from all the pacing i did while reading i was so immersed it was scary and u are by far one of the best no THE best fic writer ive ever had the blessing to read the works of and i def have shinsou theories and i hope hes okay also thank u so much for existing but also hwat the fuck

im laughing??? thank you so much for writing in, also i will now add “good for exercise” to my list of redeeming qualities for this fic

Anonymous said: you have killed me dead.

body count: 4

@lizzytiki​ said: I just finished chapter 6 and HOW DARE YOU HOLY SHIT YOU'VE KILLED US ALL

body count: infinity

Anonymous said:Spent the afternoon reading the latest chapter of BYG and... L I S T E N. LISTEN. THAT WAS SO SO GOOD AMD SO EMOTIONALLY RAW BUT ALSO IT HURT WITH THAT ENDING I AM HURT AND SLAIN

body count: 6

Anonymous said: i was afraid to reach chap 6 after all the screaming but i finally managed it and there are literally no words to describe the sheer utter amounts of emotional suffering i am after that ride you MENACE

i am a little gremlin that feeds off your emotional suffering. my job here is done 

Anonymous said: i literally had my fist shoved against my mouth that entire chapter to not wake up my house screaming at 7am and i WANT TO FIGHT YOU FOR THAT END. HOW DARE YOU. i mean i could /feel/ it coming in my gut but i WAS DESPERATE TO BE WRONG AND CANT DEAL

hrjlkfjsdf FEEL FREE TO FIGHT ME... STADING INVITATION TO JUST WALK UP TO ME AND DECK ME WITHOUT EXPLANATION, I WOULD UNDERSTAND

@iceeckos12​ said: About the new chapter: ʕʘ‿ʘʔ

me too buddy. me too 

Anonymous said: Kill me softly (I'm in Denial™)

body count: ...7?

Anonymous said: SHIT. SHIT. SHIT. SHIT. YOU'RE A DEMON! SATAN IN DISGUISE! I FUCKING LOVE YOU, GODDAMN IT!

@c-jay321​ said: Um sim... how dare you do this to me???? How dare you make me cry after reading the new chapter??? Just as my son was finally getting happy you made him sad again DX and worst of all, how dare you leave me trapped in a realm of suspense after reading the new chapter?? I absolutely adore your writing as always though, and Izuku's relationship with Hatsume, Mitoki, and Shinsou is so sweet!!!

im laughing... thank you, im really glad you’re enjoying those friendships!! and dw things will be ok 

Anonymous said: I hate you for what you have done but I love you for writing the story in the first place.

im sorry for doing this to you

Anonymous said: I am in so much turmoil right now. I love it but I hate it and Vfp&@:hsh!! D: How could you!? Sobs in a corner

someone gave me full responsibility over my own actions and now we all have to deal with it 

Anonymous said: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA (also, Izuku-Mitoki-Mei is the best combo) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

all statements in this ask are correct and true 

Anonymous said: I both simultaneously love u and hate u for ch 6. Aside from that u make words beautiful and am currently writing a strongly worded letter for ur hand in marriage. Platonically of course.

all strongly worded letters to the editor should be directed to @wrathia-bellarmina who is my perpetual enabler and the one who encouraged me to go forht with this terrible, horrible idea. i love you dana. your services are indispensible 

Anonymous said: CATCH ME OUTSIDE DON'T HURT TOKOYAMI AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA CATCH THESE FUCKEN HANDS!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

its cool!! everything is cool!!! [everything blatantly on fire in the background] 

Anonymous said: gOD DMAMIT INJUST FINISHED READING YHE LATEST CHAPTER AND I WANNA STAB MYSELF I DINT KNKW WHETHER TO THANM YOU FOR THIS AMAZING CHAPTER OR TO YELL INTO THE VOID

yell into the void... it will probably make you feel better than thanking me when, in fact, i am the cause of all this suffering 

[vidoxi]

just finished mystic messenger and i just wanna write down my thoughts. major spoiler warning + i-might-talk-shit-about-your-fav warning. if you want to discuss with me any of the points i bring up here, go for it.

Jaehee “No Homo” Kang

so when i first heard that her route was just a friendship route i was hella disappointed and thought that sounded like a total bullshit cop out, but after playing it i feel a little differently. i think it makes sense for jaehee’s character and narrative that she would value a friend over a relationship at that point in her life, but also its pretty clearly said that she does have romantic feelings for you but she needs time to process them, which is especially understandable since you can infer that before she met you she thought she was straight and also she’s catholic. her after ending was the perfect time for her to confess or for there to be the implication that you two are in a relationship, but instead it’s the only after ending where we DONT get to see interaction between you and your partner, which is a bullshit cop out. i do like that in the christmas DLC things got a little more romantic but i’m still wanting more. jaehee and the fans deserve what the male characters get, a CG of a kiss on the lips and a confession of romantic love. i hope that if more DLC gets released, cheritz will push the envelope a little a lot more. but i have heard that korea is still really conservative and for all i know making it more explicit could be illegal so i might be being unnecessarily harsh there lol;;

about her actual route though... it was good. nothing really exciting happened. it was definitely the chillest route i thought, but it was really sweet and she’s absolutely adorable and it warmed me to her a lot. her bad ending 1 (the one where you end up with zen) is so depressing, fucking hell. it feels like you betray her. it’s so ugly. ;_; i never want to do that ending and i’m glad there isnt a unique CG to tempt me into it either. her bad ending 2 (where you push her to work so hard that she ends up in the hospital) is pretty terrible too. after ending was hella cute though, i love the thought of mc and jaehee having their little coffee shop together and jaehee getting to actually work on something she’s interested in and being with her “best friend” all the time. oh and yoosung becoming jumin’s new assistant was interesting and i need me some fics, u feel?

something i also feel a little robbed about is that jaehee never blew up at jumin. she drags yoosung like theres no tomorrow and you just know she could say some venomous shit about jumin so i was hoping there’d be a big confrontation between them where she gets a dramatic The Reason You Suck-type speech but there wasnt really a moment like that.

however, seeing jumin all bitter about it at the end was a little gratifying (sorry jumin)

i love their emojis and you cant stop me from using them

also on this route where 707 has yoosung hunting for the LOLOL expansion pack (how is this boy so naive? im worried) and he finds a buried picture of rika’s dog sally instead, i at first thought that he had dug up sally’s corpse and i was like “wtf the fuck seven”

also wtf @ v saying he has terminal cancer. this is presumably a lie, right? before reading the secret endings i thought he was going to commit suicide but now im thinking that (seriously if you havent played the whole game you need to stop reading this rn) maybe he knew that rika was going to dispose of him soon and he didnt want jumin to investigate his disappearance? iirc yoosung’s good ending is the only one that he’s present in, so is it meant to be assumed that he’s killed off camera in every route possibly?

everyone else under the cut

Zen

the worst tbh. i dont like saying it but there it is. possibly this depends on who you are as a person but to me it didnt really feel like MC and zen had much chemistry except during that scene where youre on his roof together. most of your interactions are just you praising him and fellating his already huge ego. and jaehee was exceptionally annoying with all her “muh zens reputation” shit and feeling like i was taking zen from her was really awkward and unpleasant because it does seem like she has repressed feelings for him. fuck and the whole story with echo girl was super predictable and generic and feels like something i’ve seen 100 times before and probably have. my overall feeling about this route can be summed up by this emoji.

i feel like it could have been improved by either removing the echo girl stuff or at least putting an interesting spin on it. i think they should have made zens’ childhood abuse and family problems and maybe his past as a gang member as well an actual conflict instead of it just being a thing of happenstance. it’s an interesting backstory that as far as i can recall didnt end up having an impact on the current day situation. it would have been interesting if he had some sort of emotional issue you had to help him through like jumin, like secret crippling insecurities due to his family telling him for years that he’s ugly and inadequate, and thats why he tries so hard to be perfect so that people will give him the love his parents didnt. also his elementary school teacher was implied to be a pedophile(??? i dont remember what was actually said in the conversation i just remember the pedo-vibes) so they could have made him a CSA survivor but maybe thats too dark even for mysme lol.

also his bad ending 1 confuses me. the first time i saw it it felt really rapey but rewatching it now, MC does seem to consent but its after being cold and refuting his advances so it seems really weird. MC seemed genuinely disinterested, but i guess she was just playing games, testing him to see what he’d do? since theyre in a relationship a year later. and his bad ending 3 (the one where youre both kidnapped by saeran) is pretty bizarre lol.

so yeah this is the weakest route imo. maybe its different for people who are zen fangirls but i personally felt like i was being super fake the whole route, which was especially jarring coming off of yoosung’s route where the dialogue choices felt very organic to me. also his responses to mean things arent even interesting lol so thats frustrating too. and this route felt weirdly short. all the others felt like 11 days but this one felt more like 5? and when i missed chats on this route i just let it go most of the time instead of spending hourglasses. i wasnt feeling it, mr krabs. by far the best part of his route for me was the relationship development between zen and jumin.

now that ive spent 4 paragraphs just complaining you probably think that i dont like zen but actually i think he’s is a fantastic supporting character and i do like him a lot. that picture of him sneezing was my phone wallpaper for quite a while lol.

Jumin

me at the beginning: i fucking hate jumin han. fuck him. fuck his cat. i hate this type of asshole love interest.

me after zens route: i guess he has some hidden depths... i’m curious...

me after jumins route: *loves jumin han so much i cant breathe*

this guy... this cat man...... where to start? i’ve had a while to think about this route and i’m still not totally sure how i feel. “i feel complicated” is a term i’m going to start using because its just too handy for situations like this.

i guess i dont like that to get the good end you had to be passive and compliant and act like you were walking on eggshells. your relationship with him is undeniably a little scary and abusive. i think jumin needs more in his life than just you. but mysme is an otome game so of course youre the one that “fixes” him but thinking about it more realistically its worrying and jumin should be in therapy cuz the dude undeniably has some issues.

winning his heart by being understanding and with gradual, slow-growing trust was pretty touching. something i really appreciate was him opening up and his true self actually being hard to accept sometimes, instead of whats expected which is “oh youre secretly a perfect, beautiful soul”.

i do really wish they would have opened him up further though. there isnt ever a point where he completely loses control of his emotions. not to be gross but i’d do anything to see him crying, honestly.

i hope people are joking when they say that his bad end (you know the one i mean) is a good end. just because its hot doesnt mean that its good lol. its actually really tragic and shows the deterioration of his mental state and how he’s just accepted that he’s a fucked up/defective person.

“I was worried that the loneliness inside me would pile up and explode some day.” FUCK. dont do this to me jumin. ;_; this line is heart breaking.

something thats kind of interesting and worth noting maybe is that even though the other rfa members arent privy to the VNMs and you can give them little indication that he’s acting so worryingly theyre all still alarmed and concerned and thinks that jumin is going to hold you hostage/abuse you, which makes me wonder if youre meant to infer from that that theyve noticed red flags in his personality that he’s potentially kinda crazy.

and man, zen is always complaining about how jumin seems to have no emotions, but jumin finally opens up about his feelings and zen calls you laughing hysterically about how pathetic he is for being emotional. i was kinda hurt on jumin’s behalf during that call lol. he is so supportive to zen on zen’s route. just... shut the fuck up you albino freak. dont make me whip out yoosung’s “hyung, what’s wrong with you?” emoji. i wont hesitate, bitch.

there. you asked for it. feel those judging purple oblongs pierce your soul.

man, just reading the dialogue options that treat him like a psycho make me cringe. usually i’m tempted by mean dialogue options but not this time. i want to protect jumin han. ;_; i want to untangle his threads. i dont want him to feel like a mutant ever again. i want to love and accept him. i am now the president of the jumin han protection squad. jumin han did nothing wrong. shameless jumin apologist. that’s me. no but seriously he did a lot wrong and is pretty morally grey but thats one of the reasons that i love him. if you love jumin for pure reasons (that arent just “daddy~”) then youre automatically my friend and i love and appreciate you.

just to love on him for a minute: he is so damn funny, for real. he’s such a sass master, its great. him being terrible with technology is funny. his social awkwardness is funny. his shitty jokes are funny because theyre not funny. he should be the poster child for gap moe cuz goddamn. he’s such a ham. an absolute goofball dressed as a billionaire CEO, and i dont think he even knows it.

also every time elizabeth meows i fucking lol. its literally just a woman saying “meow”. every time jumin says “elizabeth is just a cat, she’s not human” i’m like “ARE YOU SURE?”

Yoosung

this is the first route i got and i assumed that i had already peaked at the beginning and no one was ever going to top yoosung for me, and that assumption was correct. i love this boy. do you hear me? i love him. “perfect” has seven letters in it. “yoosung” has seven letters in it. coincidence? i dont think so. i have feeeeeeelings over this character. he is so darling. i just adore him. i’ve opened the app many times just to look at his album. his voice is like a choir of angels. i have so many screenshots of conversations with him on my phone. he is so selfless and caring and adorable and kinky and pure and i want him to be real so i can marry him irl.

i’m not even sure how to give a critique on his route because i feel so emotionally close to the situation lol. i was very, very invested. ah. gosh. this boy. his good ending is absolutely beautiful. you know youre playing a weird otome game when the good ending has your boyfriend tortured and disfigured. he really earned his happy ending, not quite as much as seven but its up there.

i really love how for better or worse, this boy is like putty in your hands to be molded and what you say to him effects him so deeply in a way that doesnt quite get as extreme as with the other characters. obviously your words majorly influence the other characters but i feel never to the extent where theyre hanging on to every little thing youre saying like yoosung does. which makes sense because he’s young and impressionable and doesnt know what to do with himself and he says he wants to be controlled lol.

MAN, speaking of that, i love his bad ending 3 so much. it’s so twisted that he’s technically getting what he wants in a lot of ways. he’s a masochist that loves the idea of being kept as a pet and controlled, and he gets all that and more with saeran. that ending is so fucking hot, slkdfljsf. i might write a fic. i have a couple ideas.

oh shit, using that seven gif just reminded me. there’s a chat thats on the first few days of common route that ive always participated in before, but when you dont participate in it and yoosung has time to ramble, it gets really kinky. he says “i wonder what it would feel like to be locked up? just a bit.... curious lolol” which i think is what he says when youre in the chat too BUT THEN HE STARTS GETTING OFF ON THE IDEA OF SEVEN BEING LOCKED UP TOO. “Imagine the super smart Seven all flustered. and not knowing what to do.” AND I’M JUST LIKE BOIIII;;; HOW YOU GONNA JUST TALK ABOUT THAT IN FRONT OF ZEN AND JAEHEE LIKE ITS NOTHING? if he would take the obvious hints that seven hits on him he’d probably be willing to roleplay that scenario. 707 strikes me as a fetish friendly person lolol.

ummm... well, to get back back on track, ahem.... him confusing you with rika was creepy and interesting and they didnt take it far enough. even on the yandere bad ending he’s still fully aware that you arent rika. it seemed like it was building towards him having some kind of psychosis where if you feed into his desire for you to be rika he’ll really think youre rika but that doesnt happen so theres no real pay off, and he doesnt have time to do anything yandere-y to you before the bomb goes off so i found that ending to be pretty disappointing and unsatisfying. it felt like someone waving a delicious cake in front of my face but only giving me a crumb of it in the end, do you know what i mean? aaa. maybe i can find a fic that runs with the ideas set up here. when youre desperate, turn to fanfiction lol.

speaking of disappointments, i’m not over the last line of his good ending being “youre not rika, are you?” like... at this point we’re past this arent we omg stoppp. this line is a blight on my happiness. fuck rika and fuck whoever thought that was a good last line.

i noticed that yoosung is the only rfa member including v and rika that doesnt have childhood trauma. his trauma all happened recently. i think that lends to him being the most fragile and child-like character. the other rfa members are so strong because their pasts molded them that way, but yoosung has no such constitution and rika’s death is undoubtedly the worst thing thats ever happened to him.

something thats been on my mind concerning bad ending 3: does rika know that saeran is torturing yoosung? saeran must know that yoosung is his savior’s cousin because he’s hacked the chat and presumably has read messages where yoosung mentions being her cousin, correct? therefor wouldnt that make him hesitant to harm him? i think rika must have consented to yoosung being tortured then. maybe his ultimate fate at the end of bad end 3 is that he’ll be brainwashed and become part of mint eye.

man he’s such a bad judge of character lol. he hero worships rika, loves echo girl, thinks that jumin isnt potentially dangerous, and even you can fall into this category if you choose to play it that way. the one person he really dislikes is v, and v has nothing but the rfa’s best interests at heart lol.

something i love about him is how quick he is to call everyone out on their shit. like, his finger is always on the “whats wrong with you? :>” emoji, just waiting for someone to say something he doesnt approve of lolol. he’s so empathetic and naive but he still has such a strong sense of right and wrong and isnt afraid of standing up to his older friends and i think thats great.

ahh. this boy. he might be ranked #2 on LOLOL but he’s ranked #1 in my heart.

707

before playing his route i thought seven was an obnoxious tryhard and that jumin was way funnier, and after playing his route i still think that he’s an obnoxious tryhard and that jumin is way funnier.

HOWEVER.

however. i can definitely see why he’s the most popular character. that hot and cold drama, i-cant-be-with-you-because-it’d-put-you-in-danger, dark childhood backstory, sad clown type shit is a recipe for a lot of fans to be in love with you. he personally doesnt make my kokoro go doki doki like i kind of expected because of the fan response but i do really like him as a character.

he’s similar to zen in the beginning in that you have to constantly stroke his ego and i was like uuuuggghhghghghghg nooooo. “god seven” kill me lol. at least that only lasts for the first few days though.

i liked his bad end 2 where youre really sexually forward with him and he keeps snubbing you until you just snap and push him down lol. (“why arent you pushing me away?” “...i dont know. the floor is comfy.”) seeing him finally just give in and be hedonistic and decide to run away with you was nice. god i want fanfics based on like every bad end, theyre just so interesting

the chat where he tells yoosung that their friendship doesnt matter was paaaainful. also that part on day 10 when youre leaving mint eye and he says horrible shit to v. what was it, “if this is what youre really like i can see why rika blinded you”? like... goddamn, dude. i would never want seven mad at me lol.

one of the moments on this route that got me the most was in the flashback when saeran is being brainwashed and is speaking of or thinking about seven and says something like “please come back. we dont even have to be happy. just as long as we’re together i can endure anything” and then he’s crying about how he misses him and.... augh... *clutches at chest like the heart attack guy meme* i want to give saeran 52 hugs and a box of cupcakes and a puppy. i want to adopt him even though he’s older than me and be his mom. saeran.... saeran...... ;_;

THE ZEN AND YOOSUNG DRUNK PHONE CALL AT THE END OF DAY 10 IS THE BEST FUCKING PHONE CALL IN THE GAME. i called yoosung again after they hang up and he answers and its so great too. i need fanfiction R I G H T N O W about that night. nsfw or sfw, i just need more drunk yoosung antics and zen trying to handle him. oh and if you also call seven at this time he picks up and its really sweet and i think it should have been an incoming call so more people would hear it. the fact that the first time he tells you he loves you is in an optional phone call kinda sucks.

oh fuck his fucking after ending. at first where mc and saeyoung are in bed and talking about going to rescue saeran i was like “GDI CHERTIZ” thinking they were going to leave it open ended, and then in the chat where saeran joins in i fucking s c re a med i was so happy and relieved omfg. seeing the rfa being so inclusive and nice to him warmed my fucking heart. and when they asked him if he has the same taste as saeyoung and he says “ive never been interested in women” and zen is like “oh? where is jumin lololol” i fucking died. i can see now why ive been seeing yoosung/saeran shipping stuff and its romantic and not the abusive stuff based off of yoosung’s bad end 3 like i was expecting. but of course it turns out to be a fucking dream and ruins everything. the second that creepy music box music started playing i was like “fuck you cheritz”.

707′s voice actor in the free talk part is great. saying all these cheesy romantic lines makes him want to “rub sandpaper all over my skin” lmao. and he hopes that it becomes a series with new titles like “Strange Messenger and Thankful Messenger”? fuck yes mate, fuck yes.

does seven not actually open a toy store? :c i kind of want this to be an actual thing. its a good fit for him. maybe the fact that he dreamt about it means that it’s something he’d been thinking about.

oh and BI THE WAY, SEVEN IS BISEXUAL. this makes me so happy. bi visibility is so important to me and the fact that he’s the face of the game, the fan favorite, the canon route, etc, is so delicious. thank you cheritz.

on the subject of the secret endings.... man. i knew it was going to be crazy but i still wasnt prepared. these were a trip and a half and genuinely had me feeling shook up emotionally. if there’s ever a time in my life when i’m too happy i’ll just think about v. definitely the most tragic character in the story. he’s not an angel and he’s pretty much culpable for his own suffering but he did not deserve that.

something of note is that jumin was in love with rika but after learning what she did to v, he has such a grudge against her that he wants her arrested even when she’s completely lost her mind and he even thinks about chasing her down to alaska. he loves v so, so much, augh. it hurts. i’m in pain.

it’s pretty fucked up that jumin (and yoosung and zen and the rest of the world) are still being lied to about v’s “suicide”. jumin spent a lot of money and went to a lot of trouble to get help for saeran, who is his best friend’s murderer and he just doesnt know it.

the fact that yoosung in particular never knows the truth about the cult and drugs and brainwashing and everything is a good thing though. just seeing his hero come back from the dead and be reduced to someone so mentally ill that she cant communicate and needs 24/7 care would be extremely distressing and i imagine would worsen his depression. knowing the truth would be too much i think.

i think this game fucked up v and rika’s VA’s too because both of their free talks quickly derail into too-serious territory. v is like “i once hurt my wife so badly and the guilt was unbearable” and rika is like “im going to die some day and i have no idea when...” and im sitting there like “i need a fucking hug, oh my god”

it’s amazing how quickly the secret endings shot saeran up to being one of my favorite characters. he’s so good. ;_;

okay but what was mint eye’s plan? i know they wanted to end the world’s suffering but like, how exactly? through brainwashing + drugs? rika could clearly see that saeran was miserable though, couldnt she? also some of the things saeran said made me feel like they were going to do some sort of ritual group suicide or something. maybe thats how everyone is going to be happy. and the doctor says that saeran was on peyote, shrooms, AND meth? god damn, what a cocktail lmao rika doesnt fuck around.

i love rika. she’s thoroughly disturbing and a sickening person and i can see why she’s so hated now in the fandom but even she is deserving of sympathy (abused adopted child with severe mental illness) and also has good qualities (high emotional and social intelligence, genuinely sweet, and extremely empathetic). one of my favorite villains from anything in recent memory. she’s terrifying and i absolutely love her.

we never learn her real name, which i thought was intriguing. i get the feeling that she’s meant to be mysterious and unknowable, even with all her power stripped from her as it is at the end.

im so happy that the game ended on a hopeful note, with saeran seeming like he's starting to recover and he's either grown out his hair or dyed it back. he still has literal mint eyes though, which makes me wonder if theyre not contacts like i was thinking and are actually some permanent body mod he had done. he got a tattoo of the mint eye logo, so i wouldnt be surprised if that was the case.

stray thoughts (this part is super disjointed and im just saying things as i think of them)

with the exception of 707 (if you count the secret endings as being part of his route), sometimes i get the feeling of these characters being like big fish in a small pond. mysme is already head and shoulders above what i thought a mobile game could ever be, but that doesnt change that i still feel hungry for something more. i want to see this cast in more situations, under different circumstances. they all feel like fleshed out characters full of potential that are just waiting for something more and bigger to do, like maybe something thats not restricted by being a mobile otome game. but maybe thats one for the fic writers, i dont know. maybe cheritz could work them into another project somehow since mysme got so popular.

i love that the characters have actual flaws. all of them have unattractive qualities that really make them seem human. and all of their relationships with each other are entertaining too. they are all multi-faceted and interesting and i really do adore this cast.

so 707 is the canon route but i hate the thought of any of them being canon because that means the others arent canon. all of them needed you. i want a harem route. give me all of them at the same time.

i feel a spiritual connection with vanderwood. he just constantly looks so done. his gender confused the hell out of me at first. i thought maybe he was a trans woman at first because of the hair and name but then he responds to seven referring to him as a woman with things like “i’m going to taze you”, so i was like “okay, he’s just a dude with a girls name and haircut for some reason” but then seven tripped me up again with the fact that even when the scene is really serious and seven isnt in a joking around mood, he still refers to him with female pronouns. but i guess this could be explained as this is just what seven’s used to. @aouba brought up a really good headcanon that i believe actually is canon because it makes too much sense which is that “mary vanderwood” is just the identity that he’s assuming at the moment, like saeyoung being “707″. its even noted by one of the other RFA members (yoosung?) that the name is weird and sounds fake.

i’m never more thankful to be a pale girl with long brown hair and bangs than when i’m playing this game lol

also i love this game because it feeds into my pathological need to help people without me actually having to do anything lolol

is it just me or do the full portraits of the characters look weird? like when you look at them on the wiki and you can see their legs. i cant tell if it looks bizarre because you just never see their legs in the game or if their legs are drawn weird or both lol.

i love the character designs. 707 in particular is very nicely put together and distinctive. and i love how angelic rika looks. that one taylor swift song thats like “darling i’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream” is totally her theme song.

... okay now that im listening to that song it really does fit rika a lot.

oh and Take Me To Church is def v’s song for rika.

the two guests i was unable to get throughout all the routes is @god and @star. star’s is just so counter-intuitive and god’s seemed like such a crapshoot that with two chances for both i made the same mistake on their first email both times lol.

it surprises me that religion is mentioned so frequently and openly. maybe its not as big of a deal in korea or something? i’m thinking thats the case since two of the VAs mention their religion in their free talk (i forget who but one said they were an atheist and another said they were christian). it just seems like an oddly serious and potentially alienating topic to bring up in a dating sim. also jumin and yoosung are so inconsistent with what they believe. jumin says that he’s christian on one route and then firmly says that there’s no god on another. yoosung says he doesnt believe in god multiple times and that he has no interest in having any religion but he also talks about praying and refers to rika as being “up there” and watching over the rfa. i think zen is actually the only character that doesnt ever say where he aligns.

was anyone else suspecting that rika was the one that blinded the dog, sally? i’m glad that turned out to not be the case.

i love the voice acting so much. i think quality of voice acting is sometimes harder to discern when its not a language you speak, but the quality of the voice acting here shines even to my english-only ears. yoosung’s voice is straight up one of my favorite sounds, 707 has an impressive range and is overall just always entertaining to listen to, i love the way zen’s VA delivers his lines when zen is surprised and his howls lol (which were apparently ad-libbed by his VA), jaehee’s voice sounds so sweet and lovely, and jumin is so very... jumin-y and nice and relaxing to listen to.

zen and the twins were so fucking cute in the flashbacks i want to scream. i know we get to see yoosung as a teenager but im not satisfied and i want to see jumin and jaehee as little children so bad too, augh.

rika and yoosung are the only two characters that get the creepy ass yandere eyes where their eyes get all dull and flat when theyre being crazy.

i never cried but i got pretty close on yoosung’s good end and during the secret endings. i still feel shook from the secret endings lol.

why are there still bad end relationship endings for 707 and zen and jumin that no one has found? its almost february of 2017. its surprising considering the games popularity and how long its been out. is datamining not a thing with mobile games? or does the fandom not have anyone who knows how to datamine, or what?

ships im particularly interested in: jumin/v, jumin/zen, jumin/yoosung, yoosung/seven, yoosung/jaehee, yoosung/zen, yoosung/saeran, seven/saeran because i have no shame, mc/everyone, like literally just every ship tbh because i love every character hnnng

i had no idea that buying the christmas DLC gets you another free talk with the VAs. yoosung’s VA is so cute. “please get your flu shots if you havent already”.

not sure what to do now. i definitely want to replay yoosung. and i want to hunt for all the CGs and phone calls too, but i dont want to spend $20 on the calling cards lol. would buying them even be a better deal than just spending the same money on hourglasses? $26 gets you 1000 hourglasses which is more than you’d ever need, right? it seems like the better deal, unless youre not using a phone call guide for some reason and want to try to just discover them all on your own.

i’m super excited for more DLC. i definitely think there will be more because when you open the DLC folder, the christmas DLC is shoved off to the left, making room for at least one more. also just the nature of it being a DLC folder and not a direct button to the christmas DLC.

... i guess thats all i have to say lol;;; bless cheritz. this game is fantastic and has consumed my life and ruined my sleep for the past almost three months and i had so much fun and i hope they get even more ambitious with their future projects.

[rennyji]

so despite me saying to "act natural" hundreds of times over these 11+years and recently, people prefer to take the effort, and waste the energy, to do what the orchestrators say, and act in a manner that suits the "project/program/situation."-

-acting natural requires nothing from U. Just be U; don't hide that this "situation" for 11+ years occurred; and go by what comes to mind when U see me, or by a direct conversation/interaction. Simple. You can stop wasting your time on this pointless endeavor to pervert my life.-

-if that's too hard, go F*k urself. 11+ years of saying it? - I think is enough.

moving on...normal tweets...-

Bronxville Pondfield Road has several stores on both sides of the street. From outside, nice looking buildings, and you suspect the insides are about quality stuff. But the parking situation is ridiculous. To shop and spend money, U have to spend money on parking at the meters-

- &theres only like 20 meter parking spaces 4all these stores. Shouldn't the landlords or whoever contemplate the business that these stores are losing from lack of parking? -

-U drive all the way there, find out no parking...what do U do? Drive in circles until some1 vacates their meter parking space? What a waste of time...someone should do something for such a busy area...

Try drinks from Rebbl...they can be coffee substitutes...you can get them at ShopRite, but Wegmans has more variety in that brand...They're pretty expensive, but I hope if more people buy them or see their value, eventually the price will go down... https://rebbl.co/

I miss the days when Starbucks had an online store. Could have fresh coffee beans delivered to your residence...now you gotta go all the way to the store...-wait...did i tweet that already? if so, sorry for the repeat...

If you have an Alexa device, search the “Echo Wall Clock” on Amazon. It sets itself, especially when daylight savings time.

Have a “Hey Google” device? Try the “Philips Hue” smart bulb and multicolor smart bulb. The multicolor one provides different colors to the room on a “Hey Google” command. Search Amazon...

Im not sure if the orchestrators areTrying 2get me 2buy stuff or not, buts its like, from boxers to undershirts to socks to fleeces to shirts-theyve all goneMissing. I mean I know I had a ton of theseThings, when they all randomlyDisappear from ur laundry, U justThink, now what?!

so heard about the Blum Center and gave advice on healthier living...while their products are expensive, you learn about the benefits of all sort of stuff, even simple things like chia seeds and fiber and how they can keep you full and aid with morning bathroom rituals...- - from talk in previous tweet, this is the Blum Center's link: https://blumcenterforhealth.com/

John Douillard and his LifeSpa in Colorado (offering Skype meetings) can also aid with better lifestyles and healthier living. It's rooted in Ayurveda and Yoga and Meditation. Check out their site: https://lifespa.com/

Nothing like 90s music on Spotify...with the exception of their 2010s playlist for hits, Spotify is an indicator to me that music has gone downhill...

There’s something very attractive to me about a bottle of coke vs. the can... it’s just...aesthetically pleasing and tasty...

so there's like 10-20 normal tweets below. twitter has the most recent tweet on top. scroll down for the starting tweet with today's date... My twitter handle is @RennyJi or you can not follow me on twitter and still read with the web link: twitter dot com slash rennyji

in addition to the morning normal tweets, a thought-

So from my old complaints to the police elaborating on the science of a situation, it turns out I left out something that became transparent to me recently: This concept of filters people see through or the figurative lenses on the glasses they wear. -

-Years ago, I think there was something about me being a sweetheart and in need of friends( by a girl and her friends, a school, who cares, at this point)...ok...ummm..reality being, i see the concept of friends and relationships just like the next person: through fate, destiny,-

-or something as simple as bumping into someone repeatedly at a coffeeshop, you meet people.(Not by “the situation” discussing your whereabouts and timing. What I said is how things naturally happen and the “back to before all this/back to normal” idea that I’m after, along with not hiding anything) To see me, through the lens that I’m on some kind of endeavor to be an American icon, make everyone my -

-friend- well, that doesn’t match my goals, interests or personalities. In all that I do being relayed (probably, I dunno), maybe from my Twitter, you heard from me about how I kept a girl in my prayers; -

-maybe you heard since my childhood best friend/girl friend moved away, I’ve been on a lifelong quest for a replacement; maybe from the orchestrators you heard I can be loving to my sibling...-

-from the orchestrators, you see me as a, I guess, f* me, a sensitive caring male. From my stories, maybe you know my values. -

-But bear in mind, these are aspects or sides to a multifaceted personality, just like everyone else. Who I share the above sides or personas with, are my loved ones (family/friends). -

-So this raises the problem of who is my audience, when I or someone on my behalf, says things. I keep saying talk to me directly, because how I may be with you individually, may be different from a painting of my identity, for better or worse.-

-So two things thus far...what lens/ filter are you seeing me through? Next question, are you the intended audience? And all of this boils down to reputation. The concept of a person’s status in society, their reputation globally is something people work very hard for. -

-It is my intention to sue the orchestrators for soiling my reputation. Understanding this, they are of the belief, by relaying my life, a reputation will follow. But then the concept of audiences, filters, all rise again. -

-You*re making my reputation as America’s son/friend.-Not interested, beyond the Golden Rule. I renounce being an American, after what your people did, and I uphold my Indian heritage.  11 years of my life...hmmm...yeah I feel like the orchestrators are prostituting my life. -

-Im in a crazy situation. A 90 year old b*tch & her possibly lesbian passenger give me the OK to take a parking space. I go out to take it. She then stops me w/her car randomly, while the tool of a couple behind me shake their hands 4 me, to ignore the parking, and drive ahead.-

-I had my signal on, I was moving toward the space before all this happened ...you know, be it because of a “situation” or the filter this white woman sees “herself “through, she is not my boss, and her attitude on the road would only succumb to my attitude. -

-What does she think of herself? That disgusting nasty face she made. Does she see herself as superior? The nerve. All after she tells me to take the space, and then decides to take it herself. -

-The orchestrators tell family, friends, strangers to give me something to read into...it’s mind exploding because you expect me to take the bait and keep writing...I’ve praised women in my speech and in my writing, over their beauty and value in a mans life. -

-Like today, at a stop sign, driving home or taking a short cut elsewhere, saw a gorgeous tan blonde smiling. Seeing someone like her, for herself, can brighten any mans day, like a day of sunlight. But it should naturally happen.

-But that said, I’ve shown a value, a side. For some, it’s an opportunity to overestimate ur self worth. I am not desperate, despite throwing myself across the table. -

In this world, without sacrificing my dignity, from one extreme to another, I can arrange a marriage, or if it was about getting laid, pay someone. I aim to do things the right way. But then I see the 90 year old and idiot middle aged American women on the side of them -

-road involving themselves in this aforementioned parking attempt. Your rosy lives are ur rosy lives. I live in reality unlike whatever cloud You live on, while being a victim of abuse by the American orchestrators. So, Keep a check on ur attitudes in response in reading this.-

-Years ago, and now, I’ll say it again to my surroundings, I am a practitioner of the Golden Rule. I respect those who respect me. Some of you, in your world of games, please go waste someone else’s time. An American icon? A paragraph ago, -

- I explained how I see friends, because of randomness being flung on me like sh*t out of a toilet, for the purpose of constantly explaining things. -

-I make myself available, when and where, to anyone who’s anyone. The orchestrators want to dictate who can glance at me or make me approachable. Childish nonsense. Not out to make myself any more approachable than I am.

- Now I need some kind hearted person to talk to me and tell me what's going on. That Im not out of my mind. If ur waiting for this cr*p to be over, none of you will ever see me. I mean, I'm after peace of mind, and when I needed you, in the way that I did, you were never there.

-The orchestrators may tell you to so called "support me" by doing this/that...but that is not from me, may not even match the plan of the day. I honestly cannot make out what they're saying. -

If I'm right about stuff, its through coincidence or me figuring things out on my own. From any of you, the community, All I'm asking is for you to be a true American at heart and do the hard thing of telling me what's going on.-

-Thats the only thing I ever needed. Ud be a lifelong friend&hero. After this, w/my lawsuitMoney, Ill be on some privateEstate, far away, from these past ridiculous places of America. All I wanted 4 all these yrs  is peace of mind & the Mutual Respect that the orchestrators took.-

-But going back to what I was saying, at the end of the day, beyond family and loved ones, I am not your friend or your enemy, or even paying attention to the cr*p left for me to read into. That stuff is between you and the orchestrators you blindly and ridiculously follow.-

-If you are not talking to me directly, then you are not helping me. Playing with your phone won’t make you a saint-for the orchestrators, in the past, I called this the American idol mentality. You think by voting for someone to win, you’re altruistic.-

-Save your energy, direct it towards someone who will appreciate it, or do something constructive. I’ve given my spheel about “being natural without hiding anything.” That’s the only help I seek. End of the day, you be you, I’ll be me. -

-At the beginning of this &now, Ive made it clear, not out of anger, spite, or because Im fresh out of some troubling incident: mind your own business. I don’t want you in my life, and to be honest, I don’t want to be in your heads either beyond the practice of the Golden Rule.-

-Get at me (Slang), or kindly get lost (Literal).-

-These sounds tell me they’re going to “do away” with me. The extent, depth, seriousness of that I dunno. (But if I’m to meet my end, I want the Americans to know this much from me, amidst the clouds you live on. -

-At the end of this, you all and the kid sounding faction of the orchestrators are in for a surprise. Really walked into it, as  you'll figure out, soon enough.)-

-Ur faces or reactions or gestures do not match up to my writings, what I’m being told, etc.(this part goes to everyone, but especially my parents- I feel these people (orchestrators) are lying to you regarding their intentions and what they direct at me.)

-From past complaints being relevant in the present day or not, not gonna elaborate on past things after this. Way too much time for something I’m not willingly taking part in or interested in. Take care.

ending it for today with a few normal tweets -

Coffee machines with adjustable strength settings...expensive, but worth it!

getting a starbucks card, or memberships with doordash or massage places can be rewarding...

a person can say/do 10,000 good things, and being human, do 1 bad thing...but through human nature, other people will only remember/consider the bad thing without thinking things through...

[somedaypast-thesunset]

so hes essentially stopped having sex with me. physical affection is like.. few and far between. and i guess, thanks? i guess? like step up from my oshawa ex for sure - he fucked me until i left. so like, thanks? thanks for not just using me? 

i tried to be more understanding like maybe this is just how he feels right now but these little things managed to add up and with his refusal for sex ... i mean, he’s not “refusing”. i dont really come on to him. the last time we did have sex it was pretty bad. like bad enough both of us admitted it was pretty bad. i thought maybe that had something to do with it.

but he started nitpicking and being rude about it. like leaving my shoes at the door - which he does everyday all day; but it’s not my house and i should be a perfect guest always and if i’m not, it’s disrespectful. he suggested that i gain weight - jokingly mind you, but not really. finally he told me to “put money aside” to pay for myself at meals with friends because it made him uncomfortable. then suggested that “instead of not going at all” i run a tab with him and keep track of everything he buys me. 

i told him no thanks. i dont want a walking credit card. i never wanted that. that doesnt make my life any better at all. its more uncomfortable for me that the guy whos dick i suck makes me pay for all my meals. and i get it - he doesnt need to cover all of them. but holy fuck what kind of relationship is it that you cant even go out because your partner wont pay for your meal? your partner ho makes more money ad has more disposable income than a majority of our peers. 

i just thought it was really careless to make a suggestion like this when i cannot afford to eat out. period. thats not a luxury i can have right now and u know what? THATS OKAY. holy fuck, of all the luxuries i dont need and am not going to die from; it’s that. i kept thinking it was like a keeping up th the joneses kind of thing. like i’m paying to go out to eat food not to eat food but to prove i can afford to go out and eat food to a group of people. i PREFER to live frugually. even hen i have OTHER PEOPLES MONEY i try to save and be frugal for them because i feel disgusted hen a large amount of money is wasted. ive had dozens of opportunities to spend his money hoever i wanted and continually chose the cheapest option. only recently did i start choosing take out options OVER 10$. like i was literally choosing anything under 10$ so i wouldnt be a burden while his meal ould be 20 -25$. 

he tried to be friendly afterwards but i felt like it was a final straw. its never a discussion. its just hurling insults at me and completely disregarding the reason why i have suh little money. my entire being is dedicated to not being brought down by him ad people like him in the interim of hopefully making my life better. like if i cant get through this then i dont even have a hope of it being better and apparantly “this” is being shit on over and over and over again. i just.. i dont care anymore. he was really just annoying me at this point. im tired of being made to feel super poor. like no one else does this to me. i do manage to take care of myself a good portion of the time and most know where my money goes. im tired of having to give myself a pep talk to feel better about myself because hes made me question my value and worth. 

last night i slept crammed against the wall. literally. and hes come to a point he feels this is appropriate because sleeping together is such a hassle for him and it just reminded me of my abusive ex. but then he decided to jack off beside me first thing in the mornig and i was done. like i guess im very hard headed but hey - i get it now. i’m nothing to you. i dont deserve anything. i dont deserve to wake up peacefully, a good morning - nothing. all i deserve is to ake up to some disgusting man jacking off beside me. i got dressed, gathered my stuff and left. i said nothing to anyone, i just left. cuz hat the fuck is the point? i felt like a little “guilty” that this would create anxiety for him but who the fuck even cares? i dot even want to have a conversation with him because i dont have conversations ith him i just listen to him. there is no back and forth, no discovery or discussion. its just me listening to him. so why fucking bother. he knows i wouldnt leave unless i was upset so the “point” is made but i have no point. i’m just done, i think? i think you know youre the most done when words are not useful anymore ad like there is nothing i want to discuss. i dont even ant to tell him what a shitty person hes been. all it leads to is guilt and pity and sticking around because he thinks hes supposed to. i want to be with someone who wants to be with me. but like that never happens. no oe ever wants to be with me. they want to be ith some other perso but i’m good enough. and it sounds very woe is me but this is the truth. ad i am an attractive nice person. i am very caring and loving and loyal. i am a great girlfriend. but no one ever wants to actually be with me. theyve always wanted someone else, someone else is always actually “the one” ad theyve either gotten away or they never got a chance and now they’re just stuck with _me_. my first “love” was already in love ith someone else but it as never going to happen (and hen he thought it as going to it didnt and he still came back to me and that is not even a bonus thats just proving my point). my second, still enamored with his ex he never fully proved cheated on him but he thought she did (but u know maybe she didnt). and all the men in between - they wanted someone else. they predictably ended up with a few of the someone elses. and right now is just repeating this scenario. 

and you know, i come across these dudes and they tell ME they love ME. i would never dare utter such words to these people and give myself like that unless it was very important for me to do. like if i as a year into it and no one said shit and i felt strongly about it, then maybe i would but i dont even offer this to close friends. love is the most serious. 

but they tell me they love me. and all i want is love. i dont even want necessarily to BE LOVED but i would like love to exist in my life in a very pure and geuie ay that ive witnessed with others. its not like i need love and attention from all these people. i dont need love to be validated as a person. i can be without love temporarily and move forward in life. i have less sources of love than many people ad im not actively seekig it from dozens of people. but if someone asks me what do you want? perhaps i want money and security. this ould be high on the list. but i think most of all i want love. i want to experience love. my parents did not love me. or maybe my father did but i dot think he was wholy capable of giving pure love. these are perhaps the people who should be my pillars ad theyre not ad everyoe else got to experience love - not eve sexual love. its not eve sexual. its not romantic. everyone aroud me has bee able to experience pure true love of some form and i feel like i have not. like theres nevere been a single stable source of love for any length of time in my life.

and society is tryig to fill this void with medication and money and everything else but actual love an like i guess its hard not to believe that im undeserving or incapable of feeling love or receiving love. and i think this is like a top 5 survival need. like food, water, shelter, love. maybe this is the intricate part of the human experience and we so easily cover food and water and shelter now for many people but you canot cover love. you cannot package it into a goverment subsidy and yet so may people suffering have lacked love. and this pushes them to drugs and alcohol and they suffer from depression and obesity and they eat themselves to diabetes and they let their feet rot off their legs because no matter how hard they worked, no matter all the good deeds they did; they never fully received their dues in love. they suffered ad struggled alone an family ad frieds and relatioships left them but hey - they made some money. and thank god they didt just “live on welfare”. but its like - if someone did not have food or water or shelter, you ouldnt immediately offer them a job to solve the problem. there is a immediate need that has to be filled before they can help themselves. you have to give them food so they can work. if no one cares, why the fuck should they? like you’re noteve a person you’re just “the homeless��� now. and like everythng of your life is referred to as “the homeless” life now. 

im surrounded by people who have been given a lot of love in their life. even though theyve become blinded to their priviledges, theyve been given so much love. they are spoiled. they cant eve see the love thats being given. i argued with a mutual fried about another; she said it was rude to say this fried ould always be there heever she needed it and not show up. i told her isnt it enough to know in your soul this person wants that so badly for you but real life dictates differetly? like the love is there. the intention is there but real life doest allow it. she couldnt see the love. 

and i guess maybe some of these people are so spoiled that they dot understad the importance of something that is like breathing air to them. they probably believe i can get love elsewhere, just like they do. they are rich in love. but its the same thing - if someone tells me they love me, i actually believe they love me. well, i want to believe. 

i also believe this problem is “easily” solved for women by having children. children are a constant source of love and hen they turn out not to be, it’s ground shaking. mothers dont kno how to go on. but i believe, even in solid relationships, that children come from a desire to give and receive love that is not currently in their life. maybe i dont understand a maternal instinct. perhaps maternal instinct is this. maybe its kicked in and im too logical to understand that its not that “easy”. neither are relationships, and at least your kids legally arent allowed to abandon you. but i think this is why, especially with young mothers, theyre inclined (if single) to sort of “lose focus” on their children when a new man enters. suddenly, especially ina “honey moon phase”, theyre receiving a ton of love. more love and attention than their children, of any age, can probably give them. 

i have little expectations with love. i mean, i assume if you “love me” you wont be cruel or malicious. like, you wont try to harm me. thats what i expect. i dont even expect NOT to be harmed. i may be harmed. thats involved in love. you cant feel such strong things for someone and not be harmed somewhere down the line. it could be big or small; someone will eventually feel bad but then it’ll probably be okay again. however someone gives love, i try to receive it as is without shaping it to what i believe is right. love is abstract; you accept it as is but we all want to read into it and find the deeper meaning and stories and little things involved but in the end its just a very abstract concept hich encompasses a wide range of emotions and psychological things. you cant really say, “if you loved me you would do this or this”. its like you are the artist and love is your paint and the world is a canvas. you cant tell picasso how to paint. that only fits your mold. we liked picasso because of how he expressed it, how he painted it - not how you shaped his painting to your liking. 

and like youre allowed to not like someones painting - someones expression of love. and some people, they suck. like they just outright suck ass they need to go back to basics and start over before they unleash anymore of their “artistry”. and some people are offensive. some people create offensive things and this thing might hurt people or make people uncomfortable. most people ask to have their “art” - their “expression of love” taken seriously. however good or bad it is, it’s theirs and this is how they see it. but its like, i dont have to buy a jackson pollock and hang it on my wall because i respect his expression. i dont have to have sex with a woman because i respect homosexuality. so you can accept, respect and walk away from someones expression. it doesnt have to be for you. you can even have the freedom to speak about your feelings of this expression for yourself but you cant dictate how someone else should feel. 

i guess my situation is many of these men bought a picasso - or tried to, and for whatever reason, it’s not aroud anymore so they’ll accept a pollock in its place because i mean, he’s still “pretty good”. 

but you know - at the same time, it’s okay. this isnt a unique situation. this is very much part of the human experience. everyone at some point will feel this way to some degree. i just happen to feel it really strongly right now because of my circumstances in life. its like taking shrooms and one perso is cool ad another trips badly; theyre just not in the right place in the right way to experience this thing of life.  thats me right now. i wasnt prepared for this trip ad its pretty never ending. its like a really long road trip in fear ad loathing but its like 10 years of sitting ith johny depp and youve foud out he beats his ife and is a severe alcoholic and its just... overwhelming. 

so i dont know. i need to really accept and take this knowledge seriously. im proud that i just left because ive stayed too many times. i thought about it an had my guilt and ould stay for my shitty ride home and get my “daily kiss” and its just like.. i no longer hate myself this much. i can do better than this scenario. its not even a personal insult to him - his personality is cool. as a human, great. but the scenario we have created - WE, okay. not him. this is a joint effort where i allowed someone to treat me like this with full knowledge that it was bullshit. no one held me hostage and it wast like i just became a personal slave to him. but its like, i even explained it with drugs. once you allow yourself to normalize gross things, its not hard to become a junkie. like if you decide smoking crack or injecting drugs is the worst shit but suddenly you’ll smoke meth and you’ll inject a “safe” drug like k but “not heroin”. this is the “gateway effect”. so we normalized this really shitty behavior ad made it easy for him to fall into habits of doing things others would (and have) walked away from. 

you know, i hate that he makes future plans and none of them involve me. ever. but he tells me he loves me. and its like, i dont even have anxiety about whether or not ill see him today. i kind of hope i dont. i think itll be easy to assume im upset he “wont buy me food anymore”. but i really just.. we are on two different planets. equally confused by each others wants and needs. i dont eve want a conversation because if someone doesnt have the desire to be affectionate with me why bother asking.