#& ive been thru this sort of situation where bad shit is happening to u and u dont know its bad because you have zero frame of reference

[lesbianutena]

seeing people go on about how naive and foolish and blind and stupid utena is and i’m just sitting here like. she’s 14! i disagree strongly with the idea that utena is willfully or maliciously ignorant. like yes, while i think she does often fail to fully comprehend whats happening (especially in the last arc) she’s also finding herself in increasingly horrifying and new situations with no point of reference for how abnormal it all is?? she is doing her very best to make sense of things as a 14 year old child who has no parental figures or guardians, no friends who aren’t also somehow in on the manipulation happening to her, nowhere to go outside of ohtori. and that is on top of trying to navigate her experiences and identity as a queer and gnc person!!!! i feel like folks are wildly overestimating the comprehension the average closeted teenage lesbian has of systematic heteropatriarchiarcal cycles of abuse! she’s literally 14!!! save the scorn for the willfully ignorant for akio

[pepprs]

[DONT RB] ok so there’s no way for me to talk abt this that isn’t gonna make me look like an absolute dumbass but im in the middle of a creative existential crisis and i rly need help figuring it out :•( this is gonna get SUPER LONG so im putting it under a readmore. thank u to anyone who reads this!!! and double thank u to anyone who can give some input / advice, i rly rly appreciate it. im sorry abt the length!

aight so for some background.... ive been drawing n writing poetry for abt 5 yrs now and both of those things r rly important to me. in school im an english major w a creative writing minor (for the poetry) and i work as a graphic designer (for the art) so ive been growing a lot as an artist and writer esp in the past 2 yrs and im kinda workin towards one or the other (or ideally both somehow!) as a career. one of the biggest dreams ive had since i started seriously pursuing both of these hobbies 5 yrs ago is to publish a book of poetry that i design / illustrate myself, and also to have a portfolio online where ppl can read all of my poetry and see all of my artwork (both professional / work stuff but also archives of all of my sketchbooks since those r rly important to me!!!) and maybe even make some sort of online shop where ppl can buy my art (stickers, keychains, etc!) and my poetry books!

that sounds pretty simple right? WRONG!!!!!! why? bc im a fucking idiot! and there are several dumb things i do that make this dream completely impossible for me to achieve! love that for me!

so for starters... ive been posting (almost) all of my art and ALL of my poetry online for all 5 yrs ive been creating it. that’s bad because:

ive hardly ever used my real name (which i would want to use for the book / shop / portfolio), it’s been under my usernames / aliases that go along w them (p*pe, pep, pea, etc and related usernames that shall not be mentioned) and i started going by my real first name only abt a yr ago, but still maintain those usernames for the most part in conjunction w my real name

my work has been primarily been posted to d*viantart and tumblr which aren’t exactly the most uh... professional places to do that. not that there rly are many i guess lmao but still

my online persona on these platforms is rly like. lax and loose which is Cool And Quirky when brought into a professional setting if it’s done right i guess.... but im just immature and unprofessional. i swear all the time, i shitpost constantly, im incessantly tmi? and that’s not even it like it’s just a whole mess!

SO there’s that whole set of problems and like im just concerned because... i stopped posting art online last yr for the most part and a lot of the old stuff that’s on dA (since that was rly where i did it most) is bad and not worth sharing like that anyways, so im not as worried abt that. but my poetry.... i still actively post that online in all my messiness and candidness here and like. it’s rly not that hard to find me? like if u copy a poem of mine and put it in google it’ll pull up my dA right away! and that’s like.... GOD i just am embarrassed for anyone irl to see that or for that to be connected with my irl / professional self in the future, but i don’t want to stop posting my work there (or here!!!!!) bc the community is so supportive and ive made some rly good connections / built a lot of traction over the 5 yrs ive been doing it. (PLUS for the online portfolio i wanna do specifically... i kinda want to post all of my art and poetry there, like everything ive ever done (specifically poetry, ive written almost 500 poems over the 5 yrs ive been doing it!), but i feel like that’s not rly the most professional thing to do and idk how to even gauge whether it is or not :-/)

but that’s not all!!!! because there’s another part to this and that is: the very nature of the content i produce is Not Good! for my art it’s not as much of a problem bc since I work as an artist rn a lot of what i make is professional, but for my personal art... a lot of that is either self portraits or my characters and a lot of my characters are like. animals. like specifically pepe (who is basically Me As A Cat).... i draw her constantly and so much of my best work is of her but it’s just like? embarrassing i guess for my ocs to take up so much of my portfolio and sketchbooks and stuff and share that. like i know everyone has characters and it’s not bad to do that and share that but i feel like ppl will judge me :-( so it’s made me rly hesitant to post stuff to my art ig for example bc i just don’t fucking know how to act, like it’s bad enough that i can’t type the way i want to and i have to type in proper caps n whatever instead bc irls i don’t know / trust as well follow me (including some ppl from work? Yikes?)....... but i feel like i can’t share my sketchbook stuff for example bc it’s all cats and my characters and visual shitposts and im uncomfy to share that bc like... im almost 20 and i don’t want ppl to think im immature or whatever? i kno i should feel like it’s my account and i can post wot i want but like. i fucking can’t bro i just can’t!!

and THEN.... my poetry. that’s the biggie bc like for my art? even tho im uncomfortable i don’t mind sharing that w ppl i know irl but for my POETRY.... it’s very easy to find like where i share that i guess? (the google thing i mentioned earlier but also its linked to my art on here and dA too... f) but i literally never actively share my writing w irl ppl unless im performing @ an open mic or workshopping in class bc im fucking terrified of the possibility of irl ppl finding my poetry. it’s almost ironic how public ive been w it online but how private i am abt it irl... it’s like im living a double life and it’s fucking terrible but it’s the only way i feel safe. bc like art is what i do for other ppl and also to destress and vent when i need a quick fix on my own time. but poetry.... that’s personal, it’s where i feel most like myself, it’s how i talk abt my life and ppl in it and make meaning of things and talk abt things authentically and Get Deep. and my literal worst nightmare is for ppl (who have the explicit ability to by virtue of Knowing Me) to read into it and Understand what im talking abt and have that power over me and see me differently for feeling the way i do or doing what i do. ive actually already been burned by this before after my mom read some work of mine that had been published irl (i don’t want to get too into it but basically i retroactively outed myself thru her reading that poem for what it was and it was Very Very Bad) and as paranoid abt it as i was before, it’s even worse now that it’s actually happened to me and could happen again at any time, esp if i decide to take my work further.

that manifests in a few ways too, like my writing is so cryptic and vague and very heavy on metaphors / symbolism and shit partially out of that deep fear and need to shield myself and my work. sometimes in spaces where i do feel comfy sharing, ppl have a hard time understanding my poetry unless i give context. online and on stage and in workshop ppl don’t rly know me outside of a context where the only thing we have in common is self expression thru poetry, so i don’t rly mind sharing more when it’s appropriate. but if i were to share my work as a book or w/e, ppl im close to (who maybe don’t always think like a poet / artist does bc they aren’t that) would want to buy it and read it and might ask abt what it means and i don’t even know what i would do in that situation. and if ppl were to read my work and see themselves / others in it, whether it is abt them or not, im scared it could genuinely damage relationships like it did with my mom.

SO UH.... idk where im going w this rly, i kno it’s long and rambly and melodramatic and im probably overthinking it and making a mountain out of a molehill and nobody even knows / cares abt me AND my work @ the same time enough to read That Deep into it. but it just fucking sucks that im so uncomfortable and insecure that i can’t comfortably fulfill literally the one single long term goal / life dream that i have. andthe thing that sucks is i can’t talk to Anybody abt this except like... my sister and brother bc they’re the only ppl i genuinely tell everything to, but they don’t have the knowledge and expertise abt art / poetry that like... my poetry prof does, for example. and my poetry prof is one of the best ppl ive ever met and the Only person ive ever met irl who respects and understands my poetry in the exact way i need someone to. she and i have been talking and she rly wants to help me publish my poetry bc she sees merit in my work and knows how bad i want to / how successful it’s been already, but i don’t know how to talk abt this to her bc im embarrassed to tell her abt posting online and being ashamed abt my muses and all that and it just!!! sucks so much bc i kinda want to publish my work @ least once before i graduate and do it semi regularly for the rest of my life? but there’s so much in my way and it’s just! FGGFHDGJGGGG

[justemotionalabusesurvivorthings]

(1/?) hello!! im sry if this blog is just for survivors, but i guess i am one in a way? so far? i live with an emotionally abusive mother. it's very confusing,, hurtful, stressing, as she's done tons of good and generous things for me, & isnt just this 100% shit mom. but shes also hurt me TERRIBLY bad. SO BAD. i can acknowledge the good shes done but, i cant just ignore the bad. she claims shes apologized before, and i can forgive, but she continues to hurt me and isnt willing to change

(2/?) she claims it’s “just her” & that i cant force her to be a different person. ive tried to rationalize with her, but i cant. she claims im selfish & only think about how i feel. how i judge others but not myself. she’s hit me, choked me, called me a liar. she says homophobic/transphobic things & recently found my online acc/stuff and i was exposed as bi. im all alone & vry tired. amongst all this, i need a therapist, possibly meds- some sort of mental help/evaluation 4myself n feel blank

3/? ,, i have/am struggling with self harm, intrusive thoughts, terrible fkn anxiety and the whole nine yards,,.. i really need help and a safer environment. im safe physically to some extent (shes not afraid of cops either), not mentally. ive been gaslighted, insulted, called “sensitive”, it all. i have 2 yrs to grad but turn 18 nxt yr. im trying to save $ this year to convince im stable enough to stay with another relative by next summer- ive looked into LGBT shelters, everything-

4/4 this plan is my last resort. im tired of feeling like this. i cling onto good memories, pride stuff i sneak 2 see etc to pass by. also im SO!! sorry if this is the wrong blog for this! i just stumbled across it and felt a hand reach out.. so if u have any help on motivation, depression/mental issues/calm rooms, info on shelters/living in them, moving out, getting thru this sort of thing, lgbtq+ resources or the like for me or anybody!

so there is a lot to unpack here. First off I want you to know that you are welcome here, regardless of the type of abuse or current situation, everyone is welcome here. Not only that but I strongly believe that anyone who has ever experienced abuse, whether it was years ago or this morning, for a short time or all your life, you are a survivor. You were abused, you lived though it, and you’re here, you survived it. And I am so damn proud of you. And those who don’t feel like they can keep going are just as valid, and every time they reach out, they prove just how much of a survivor they really are. Yourself among them.

Not only that, but no matter how nice your mom is, if she hurts you, if she refuses to change her behavior so that she can stop hurting you, then it doesn’t matter what she does or how much she apologizes. Something to keep in mind is that if they were really, truly sorry, then they would work to make sure that it doesn’t happen again. Because THAT is what it means to love somebody, it means trying to be your best you, to support and protect them even if just from yourself. This is regardless of whether its a mistake or a deep character flaw.

Abusers, as much as it may hurt to hear, choose to abuse people, they are fully aware of their actions. If you ever wonder if this is true, then think about how they treat you in public, how they behave around others. Many will find that their abuser becomes a completely different person are others, might even be nicer to you. This is because they know that what their doing is wrong.

And your mom is wrong. You have an ingrained RIGHT to feel safe, and to be able to tell someone when they are hurting you and talk it out with them without feeling invalidated. She’s wrong, your feeling are valid.

This one is gonna hurt too if you don’t already know it, but your mom cannot be rationalized with. I am really, deeply sorry to tell you this because we all wish it wasn’t the case, but trying to rationalize with her will most likely only drain you and hurt worse. I would know.

the things that she has done to you are truly awful and i cannot even to begin to express how sorry I am that she treats you that way. Please know that you can always come here if you need to very or ask questions or anything.

as for resources I’ll keep a look out for stuff that will be most helpful but I dont really have much that can be an all encompassing solution for any one problem, but I can give you want I do have. 

http://yournewapartment.tumblr.com/ ( adulting tips)

http://m.facebook.com/notes/dreamcatchers-for-abused-children/steps-to-take-if-cps-wont-help-an-abused-child/953279954722057    - good for building a case

http://www.glaad.org/transgender/resources

the It Gets Better Project documents the stories of lgbt+ teens to share

https://itgetsbetter.org/

the Trevor Project has 24/7 counselors and a support system where you can meet others going through similar things

https://www.thetrevorproject.org/#sm.001w5ic1r19asdneqfc28j8sqbndf

https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/trevor-support-center/#sm.001w5ic1r19asdneqfc28j8sqbndf

That’s it for now but I’ll keep an eye out for you. Stay safe and please do come back anytime! I’ll be praying for you!