#& its soso ridiculous that i have the same exact reaction to not understanding the work right away.
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Hit my arm yesterday and while i dont THINK anythings like broken or anything like that it does hurt in minorly concerning ways
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#unrelated why does everything feel fake#erm. anyways#winterguard#<- related. i'm about to go on a whole vent cause apparently i am NOT doing fine after all#anyways i tried to actually communicate that i'm autistic on the medical paperwork this time#but . all it seems to have gotten me is 'you need to be An Adult and ask for help instead of standing there'#which; yes; that is a fair thing to ask!#.......... it's less helpful when i'm already �� of the way to breaking down bcause i dont understand the work#and if i say real actual words i will 100% start crying (embarrassing. who does this.)#i just. cant believe i'm getting this stressed out again so early in the season.#i came into tryouts SO confident but now i'm doing everything wrong & i lost my Big 45s again. i HAD those i could CATCH them & now i cant?#& its soso ridiculous that i have the same exact reaction to not understanding the work right away.#he's RIGHT that i should be able to handle this like an adult but of COURSE because it's me i can't :/#i already know i'm not getting put on flag line still. it's frustrating to have put ALL the extra work that i do into practicing#and STILL not be good enough.#and also not even ask for help at home (roommate is in the samd guard) because i don't want to be a bother#& i full well understand the importance of Not Being Bothered.#i hate that it's the exact same thing as last time - he wrote in a toss that i CANNOT do and WILL NOT be able to learn fast enough#literally right off the bat. and after everyone said i was doing so much better to start out with.#i actually seriously entertained the thought (briefly) of quitting and we don't even have the music yet... like girl (gn). calm down.#anyways i already ranted in my head at myself about this earlier today so my thoughts are less many than they might have been otherwise#... need to go to bed. then wake up and do it all again tomorrow. sigh.
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