#& it just elucidated some things too well to not record. actually ig just 1 thing. just rolling a ball back & forth rather than play tennis

[wingardium-leviohsnap]

tennis🎾

the ball's in my court now. unless I hallucinated you hitting it my way. maybe I'm just watching a figment of my imagination. just standing here, watching it roll, and roll...

I think sooner or later it'll roll though the tear in the chain link wall and disappear for good. I don't want that at all; the thought kind of makes me panic, but I don't want to hit it back either, cuz then we'd be playing tennis. I don't want that.

I think I'd much rather we sit across from each other with our legs splayed and our feet touching and we just roll the ball back and forth. what would that even mean? I don't know. but I know that it wouldn't be enough for you. I know you wanna play tennis. and honestly, I want you to play tennis. I want you to play the kind of tennis that's exhilarating and solid, keeps you on your toes yet never falling behind and leaves you breathless and that tired-kind-of-satisfied; leaves you sprawled on your back, looking up at the sky with a big, dopey grin on your face. I want you to experience that.

but I'm not a tennis player. I walked in here by accident and the damn door locked behind me. so now I'm watching the ball with this small, sad smile because I know I just have to let it roll where it rolls, no matter how much I want to run and catch it. I have to remember, once again, how to let things be; leave it to the tennis players. but after all our false starts and failed passes and never quite being able to find our footing, you know...

it means a lot that you sent the ball my way.

if I didn't hallucinate that.