#& i knew id wake up ridiculously late & not have time to mess around on tumblr

[lokigodofaces]

This is amazing, thank you so much!

@lokigodofaces

I hope I did your post justice

[someaveragechick]

a refined story on how love broke my place in this world

so how’d i come to be here typing up an essay which i know will go unread?   JULY 2016; a bad decision to move schools lead to spurts of bullying, turning a bubbly 15 year old into a 16 year old who quite bluntly, just wanted to die, which she tried very hard to do for quite some time. deteriorated self esteem lead to a thirst for love and acceptance, a need for emotional safety. so after being objectified by boys, mesmerized at the idea of an escape, and terrified of what i became capable of, i moved schools again. and this brought us to July, 2016.

new school, new opportunities, and then there was him. a boy with big brown eyes, soft lips and a heart of gold, and there i was, awkwardly standing in the way of his locker. fast forward past the early morning to late night conversations, weeks of bonding.... and we’re brought to SEPTEMBER 2016; i knew that id fallen deeply for him, further than i’d fallen before, or at least so i thought. but of course, i became fearful as memories of every guy who ever did me wrong flooded in and suddenly like the monster i’d become, he became just like every other guy in my eyes and i denied my true feelings for him, in the classic me way of dealing with my emotions, i messed everything up. i lost all my new friends, i lost him and i lost myself again, but i told myself he was just like the rest, except he wasn’t because i couldn’t just get over him. and so we stopped speaking. i sank back into a place far too familiar, numbness accompanied by blades and the dark part of tumblr, that go me through until:

NOVEMBER 2016; i started going to the gym to distract myself, and i felt like i could say with all honesty i was getting over him. last minute change of mind, and i decided to go to my schools formal, i wish i could say i wore white in the spirit of new beginnings but if i’m honest i just liked the dress, and apparently he did too, enough to come whisper in my ear that i ‘looked alright’.... BOOM FUCKING CRASH BANG, the smallest comment moved mountains for me and like an unrealistic cartoon, my heart flew out of my chest. so i messaged him that night and we spoke until the early hours of the morning, and every day since.

JANUARY 2017; it’s a fair way to skip but lets just cut it down to this, school holidays kicked in and like Romeo and Juliet we fought against how everyone felt about us being together, spent almost every day of the summer together and went on adventure after adventure, we even said how we could never get bored of each other, spoiler alert, i’m the only one who stuck to my word. so anyway, January, we became ‘official’, went on double dates with my best friend and when they broke up we would talk how our relationship was going to outlast everyone we knew.

FEBRUARY-JULY 2017; we did a lot together and created heaps of little traditions. painted walls, went rollerskating, drank and sung around campfires, walked on beaches, kicked the footy, cooked, adventured, lived together. we were each others bestfriends and we fell back on each other. i put every ounce of energy i had into him. any money i got would go towards dates or giving him little surprises to brighten his day. what can i say? i put him before my family and i truly believed with all my heart that we would be together forever. he got new friends and school stressed us both out, it would be an understatement to say we were both failing school, but we were trying. i believed in him, because he had so much potential to do great, with a kind heart and a great brain in that big head of his, i believed he could do anything he put his mind into, where it be football, school, work or photography, i wanted him to be happy, and its how i lived those months. wanting him to be happy and to love him. 

TIMELINE BREAK; people were cruel, and he was a big softy, he was my big softy and i thought that if i could put all my love and energy into him that i could protect him, we argued for a while, but for two weeks leading up to August, i learnt to be calm and stopped every argument because i just thought he was stressed over school and the assholes of the world. they told him he should drop out, they made him think less of himself and i hated them for it, because i thought he was worth so much more. 

AUGUST 5TH 2017; we went shopping to get ingredients for a recipe he really wanted to make, we danced and goofed around, then i dropped him home so he could get ready for a party he was going to. i’ll add that this was also the same day as my dogs birthday, so whilst he was out i was occupied singing happy birthday to a dog wearing a party hat, irrelevant but okay, back on track, the (supposed) love of my life kept calling me whilst he was drunk all night, every 15 minutes, he started to feel sick so i told him to go sit down somewhere and sip water, last i heard from him. i was worried sick because i couldn't be there to look after my drunk mess. AUGUST 6TH 2017; i went over to my hungover mess’s house, we were being cute, we had sex we cuddle we laughed, we were happy. my parents came and picked us up and took him to his footy final where i stood there in the rain watching him with my parents (side note, my parents hated him at first, but by this stage they loved him, like reeeeaaally fucking loved him). he came back to mine after and we did what we usually did, laughed and loved. that night he broke and decided he wanted to break up with me because he was having a meltdown over some older guys accusing him of throwing up on the carpet of the party he was at. so i did what i always did, i cared for him, loved him, tried to help him, and in return for loving him, he broke up with me, and gave me the biggest load of verbal abuse as he did so. i broke. AUGUST 7TH 2017; i ditched the first part of school to go see him, he got on the bus and moved closer to me and put his hand on my leg, i felt relieved, as if i actually believed in that moment that he realized how badly he’d been treating me, but nope. an hour later he basically said we were still over and he didn’t want anything to do with me. AUGUST 10TH 2017; gotta hurry this up, i was a mess i hadn’t eaten in days and i was imploding. so i reached out to someone who was at the party to find out if it was him who threw up at the party and if his meltdown was worth losing me, but i found out more than i was supposed to. this boy, this boy that i would've taken a bullet for and gave my everything to, cheated on me with some girl who had zero self respect, was in a committed relationship with ecstasy, but whatever right? she was known for doing that shit, but nah, next thing i know he is following her around like a lost puppy. THE REST OF THE STORY; so after not even 2 weeks we spoke again, we decided mutually that we would get back into a commitment but not be officially in a relationship. and this lasted for a while, we were having sex again, and a lot of it and then one night i rush to the hospital and watch my favorite family member pass away, i was a mess and i needed him, but here we go again,whilst i was trying to call him to tell him my grandad was just had emergency heart surgery and didn’t make it,  he was at a party getting with the same girl.  AND LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I FORGAVE HIM, AGAIN. so we were committed again and he called me and i roasted him and so he begged for me not to go and said he didn't want that other girl and that she was just a distraction because he missed me, even added that he was going to cut ties with her because he loved me. so the next day he did, not... he did not, because if you haven't already realized this boy is the biggest liar i have ever met. so we were together again, and i later found out he was still messaging her pathetically, trying so desperately to get her attention, and he made me feel like shit he really did, some of the verbal abuse hit me deep down to my core. (i’ll just add here that he had sex with that girl whilst we were having sex) anyway, after he betrayed me 3 times, he promised it was never going to happen and that i’m all he wanted and that he would protect me. skip to the end, he went to a party and got with 4 different girls, lied about it, and then blocked me on everything when he found out that i had found out. that was a very short way to end it but it was dragging on. WHERE I AM NOW; am i still broken? yes very, unlike him i truly felt in love and that isn't something that is easy to brush off. what do i think of him now? let’s just say i really had hope for him to change, in fact i was the only one who believed in him in the end, i was the only one who cared deeply, but well now? lets just say a tiger can’t change its stripes. he found me as a bitter monster and left me when i became pure and sweet. i found him as a pure and sweet boy with potential, and when he left me he left me as a bitter, manipulative, lying, monster. funny how the world works.

 it’s a long journey and my heart still aches from time to time, but if he wanted to put that sort of life style before someone who truly cared and loved him, then i know that he doesn't deserve me. those big brown eyes are as cold as ice, his heart of gold turned to stone and the boy i fell in love with it not the same one that broke me.

he made me lose my place in the world, he made me second guess my worth and my right to wake up everyday, i felt like numb worthless space.  i know who i am now and i’m ridiculously proud of myself, and i can not wait until i find someone who i can love and not fear.  i will just keep adventuring until i bump into someone, the right someone, who appreciates every little thing i do, because if i could love the wrong person this much, i cant imagine how much i can love the right person.

 so until then i will keep growing, because there’s a bubbly 15 year old who deserves it. -S.a.o 6th of November 2017