#& i have waited so long to see it animated. i will be downright obnoxious. i will not shut up ever at all for a second over anything.

[gwydionae]

Ok, serious question for One Piece fans.

Here's the TL;DR:

I'm at Fishman Island in the anime. I know lots of future spoilers for WCI and Wano. I love pre-time skip Sanji and WCI Sanji. I hate Fishman Island Sanji. The question is, as a Sanji fan, how much disappointment should I prepare for in Punk Hazard/Dressrosa/etc until WCI? Is he going to stay this obnoxious until then?

And here's the rather long explanation rant because sometimes you just gotta vent:

I started reading the manga, like, 20 years ago, but I dropped it during the Fishman Island arc. There were many reasons for this (some unrelated to OP entirely), but a big one was Sanji. He had always been my favorite character, and while there had been moments pre-time skip that I didn't love (see: Clear Clear Fruit and it's improper uses), I found he became downright insufferable after it. I don't have to love everything about a character for them to be my favorite, but FI pushed me past my limit.

I have since skimmed through Whole Cake Island and bits of Wano due to seeing spoilers that made me believe that may have changed over time, and I did really like the parts that I read. Well, most of them, anyway (see: invisibility and it's improper uses, Sanji). So between that and hype over the live action version, I went back and started watching the anime for the first time.

I am once again in the early goings of Fishman Island, and I am STRUGGLING. Every time Sanji is on screen my brain is warring between remembering what I like about his character and what I'm seeing play out currently. He used to be overly fond and protective of woman, to the point that his inability to fight them hindered the crew. Now he's an active pervert drooling in the face of every pretty woman who is hindering the crew simply by bleeding to death at the sight of any woman including his own crewmates. Had this happened, like, once, MAYBE twice, ok, it's a dumb gag, but whatever. But it's not a one off gag. It just keeps going, to the point where it doesn't feel like a gag anymore so much as an actual character trait. It's like his flaws (which can make for interesting character drama, like his inability to physically harm Kalifa) are now his core personality, and everything I liked about him isn't even there anymore. Heck, part of his training was to learn to cook foods to help his crew, and he hasn't even cooked anything yet, and he was separated from his crew for two years!

(Ugh, don't mind me, just unearthing feelings buried real deep a decade ago. ANYWAY)

I know he gets better. He'll never feel quite like his pre-time skip (especially pre-Thriller Bark) self again, but I know that WCI adds in some really interesting layers to his character, and while Wano still has his perviness turned up a bit higher than I'd prefer, there's real depth to his character to keep him from sinking back into the one note gag that is Fishman Island. He will get growth. He will go back to being an enjoyable and rounded character one day.

I just really need to know exactly how long I have to wait for that to happen.

Sanji is (obviously) not the only thing I like about One Piece. I like nearly all of the Straw Hats, I've gotten attached to more than a few side characters over time, and the fact that it's so long and hasn't (to my knowledge) felt like a mad scramble of retcons is highly impressive.

But here on good old tumblr, I expect people to understand about the blorbos. They're different. They're special. And feeling like I wish one of them would finally succumb to death by nosebleed is, to put it mildly, not ideal.

And thus the question at hand. Because if I have to put up with this Sanji all the way until WCI, I might just scream. But at least if I have the warning ahead of time, I'll know to expect it rather than fruitlessly hoping he gets better before then.

Just give it to me straight, doc. How bad is it?

(The one thing I know of him between now and WCI is that his mind/soul/?? gets stuck in Nami's body - not sure for how long or what all he... does... in there, though. So please spoil that for me. I do not want that kind of surprise.)

[ozlices]

EVERYBODY SHUT THE ABSOLUTE FUCK UP THEY FINALLY RELEASED A TEASER FOR THE STARS SEASON OF CRYSTAL AND NOT A SINGULAR MOTHER FUCKER TOLD ME ?!?!!?!? I HAD TO FIND OUT ON ACCIDENT BC I WAS LOOKING UP NOSTALGIC SAILOR MOON SHIT AND NOW IT’S 2 AM AND IM STUCK BEING HYPED AS SHIT AND TRYING NOT TO SCREAM WTF TJHREJHTJKR

[dweetwise]

new chapter hype! have some quick hcs about how i think the killers would react to ji-woon.

The Trickster & killers headcanons

Evan thought he’d seen it all, but now there’s an obnoxious kid in a ridiculous costume prancing around in their ranks. Ji-Woon immediately makes it clear, in heavily accented English, that he’s not going to take orders from anyone, so Evan mostly leaves him alone and waits for the Entity to put him back in line.

Philip senses how unhinged the new killer is under the carefully presented flamboyant exterior. He stays in his cloak to avoid the Trickster as much as possible, even leaving his own realm if the other killer trespasses on the Autohaven grounds.

Max is wary at first, on edge due to Ji-Woon’s sudden, maniacal outbursts. But after the killer proves more than happy to completely ignore him, Max starts watching his song and dance routines from afar, the Trickster’s flashy getup reminding him of whimsy he hasn’t seen since his childhood movies.

Sally is brought back to unpleasant memories of the asylum and some of its patients with delusions of grandeur. She has no desire to deal with the Trickster’s god complex and usually blinks away whenever he’s in the vicinity.

Michael, mistaking Ji-Woon for a survivor, tries to kill him right off the bat. When the Entity intervenes to prevent it, he settles for staring at the teen instead. As usual, the mask betrays nothing, but Michael is secretly disgruntled when the idol only seems to thrive on the attention instead of being unnerved.

Lisa is more confused than anything. Why is some supposedly big pop star joining their group of horrible, disfigured monsters? Seeing his youthful, unmarred face is a cruel reminder of the life she missed out on, and she withdraws to the swamp to reminiscence about her past.

Herman is quick to strike up conversation with the boy; not to make friends, but to study him and find out what makes him tick. He’s intrigued by the clear sadistic tendencies the Trickster displays, promptly inviting the killer over to the hospital for experiments.

Anna is on her guard, despite the Trickster not appearing to pose much of a threat due to his small stature and skinny build. She knows better than to underestimate people, having learned that brightly colored animals are often the most venomous.

Bubba is terrified of Ji-Woon, even though he could probably overpower the lanky killer if he had to. The Trickster is loud and unpredictable, spooking Bubba on numerous occasions with sudden movement or a maniacal laugh.

Freddy loves murdering teenagers and is a little peeved that the Entity doesn’t allow him to do so with this one. He tries to give a snarky, villainy monologue to get under the Trickster’s skin, but the idol only starts talking over him in Korean before turning on his heel and arrogantly flinging an autograph over his shoulder, robbing Freddy of his moment.

Amanda is initially fascinated by his power; throwing small blades into people’s skin until they eventually collapse from their wounds is a creative way of torture, after all. But as soon as she approaches Ji-Woon, it quickly becomes evident that he sees himself as above her, claiming she should be honored to even be in his presence. Having none of that, Amanda starts plotting petty revenge to sabotage his knives.

Jeffrey is entertained, claiming the Trickster’s knife-throwing act would have landed him a spot in the circus he used to travel with. He has no issue with the kid, and as Ji-Woon doesn’t have a realm of his own, the idol can sometimes be found wandering the chapel or practicing his throwing skills on the circus target board.

Rin has a moment of nostalgia, Ji-Woon reminding her of her life before, when she was just a normal teenager with idol posters on her wall. However, his arrogance is very off-putting to her, angry that his behavior taints the few pleasant memories she has left.

Legion laugh their asses off. They have a field day with mocking his outfit and music, egging each other on with the dumbest of jokes, claiming he looks even more like a clown than Jeffrey.

Adiris, through his body language and golden outfit, concludes him as a false idol. Thinking he’s mocking her god and trying to lead people astray, her contempt for him only grows, and she’s known to burst into reciting sermons to draw attention away from the Trickster’s performances.

Danny’s narcissism knows no bounds and it doesn’t take long before he sees Ji-Woon as competition, hogging the spotlight from Danny and his genius. While the Trickster boasts about killing fans and managers alike, Danny can’t help the pure rage bubbling up, thinking how unprofessional and downright sloppy the novice killer’s methods are. However, he keeps his cards close to his chest, already planning how he’ll undermine the new arrival instead of direct confrontation.

Demo sees a lanky teen with a baseball bat and instantly distrusts the Trickster. Will aggressively hiss and be extremely on edge whenever the killer is near.

Kazan is angry. The new killer is loud and flashy and seems to have misunderstood the concept of honor entirely, having replaced it with pure arrogance. If the two are in the same room, the Oni can usually be found roaring Japanese insults at the Trickster or trying to club some sense into the youngster.

Caleb views Ji-Woon as nothing more than an annoying brat. He has no respect for the killer’s ineffective choice of weapon, the pathetic blades all bark and no bite; just like their owner.

Pyramid Head’s fingers twitch where he’s grasping his sword. The new killer reeks of sin and would their captor allow it, the executioner would inflict proper judgment on him once and for all.

Talbot sees the killer’s narcissism and immediately starts planning how to exploit it in his next experiment. He’s curious to see what would happen should he make Ji-Woon as ugly on the outside as he is on the inside.

Charlotte and Victor are hesitantly intrigued by Ji-Woon at first, as he’s got an aura of entertainer all around him. They watch one of his numbers in awe, but their joy is short-lived. Immediately after his performance, the Trickster sneers at them in disgust, as if the twins are nothing but a fleck of dirt on his shiny coat.

[transfemstarscream]

I honestly cannot understsnd how tfp starscream can be someones favorite version... the way tfp starscreams characterization was done has really distorted how people perceive her as a character

EXACTLY like i have been trying to dial back my dislike for prime stsc because i really think its one of those situations where its obvious the story didn't have anywhere to go with her at all... like even in the first season, it doesn't really try too hard to install starscream as the main villain and didn't really hesitate to push her out of the spotlight once megatron got back in the game.

but i just... cannot like her? beyond her being an even bigger transmisogynistic caricature (and not in the big but unintentionally cool way that i often see myself having fun with regardless; beast wars ii starscream is a transmisogynistic caricature but she's honestly handled well and the show's respectful about her and in no way is the show ever weird about her... thank you so much beast wars ii) she's just... hard to watch. secondhand embarrassment maybe, but i just cannot watch her for longer than a few minutes, especially during season two. she's SO inconsistent personality wise, because she's either "intelligent and resourceful enough to calculate great plans and outsmart her opponents" or "bumbling incompetent idiot who cannot shut the hell up for one minute" with no balance or in between.

not to mention that she just kind of... ruins the tone of the show? like transformers prime wants to be a lot more grim: scenes are often devoid of music, jokes are few and rely more on character interactions, death and pain are treated with (some) care and weight, etc. but prime starscream just... doesn't work within any of these. she's subjected to a lot of slapstick humor that just doesn't work with the pretty realistic 3D models, especially how textured and apparent scars and bruises are left on her frame. scenes with her that are meant to be funny, serious, etc. just come off as awkward because she's so overanimated and expressive yet this just looks off when compared to other characters, it's almost like she's meant to be in a different show. she's not at all as complex or sympathetic as some of the other decepticons, which isn't inherently bad—i love me downright asshole jerkass starscream—but the way the show doesn't pass up the opportunity to fixate on her being hurt or having her personal space invaded or just in general "perv" (don't know a better word but i don't mean in a sexual way) on her... she just feels. weird.

this isn't really helped by what spawned of a lot of future starscream fan content. it's like the fandom asked "hm. how could we take this blatant caricature and fetishize it into something worse?" and didn't wait for an answer. i literally don't understand how prime starscream is seen as attractive she's UGLY and that's the POINT! she's MEANT to be UNSETTLING! "the stiletto-heeled freak" is NOT a compliment! she is not your "gay GNC small waist high-heeled twink disaster" that is an airplane alien made to look creepy and off-putting. and like it's so funny because she is genuinely regarded as handsome in multiple continuities. she's canonically youthful looking and rather handsome. but then you try and compare cybertron starscream and prime starscream, who people often argue are the two best starscreams, and... well....

see it for yourself. (and before i get "you're biased" or "different angles": prime stsc just looks like that. devoid of color.)

like i would not care, truthfully, if prime starscream was purposefully meant to be this unlikable, obnoxious villain that we were meant to root against. hell, animated sentinel was also that and i enjoyed him immensely. but she's just so... bad. she never really accomplished anything long-term. her character never goes anywhere good. she doesn't work within the show's own setting and tone. no real attempt to do anything good with her. and the fanbase is unbearable and so fucking creepy about her that blocking her tag means you lose almost 75% of the content in her general tag. I Do Not Like Transformers Prime Starscream.

[davethot]

ALL 36 BARBIE MOVIES RANKED... WHY DID WE DO THIS

Please............. for the love of god view this list. Help us. We worked so fucking hard... and for what?

My roommate/best friend and I ( @kar-queen ) decided to watch ALL 36 BARBIE MOVIES and then rank them from worst to best. This adventure was inspired by the YouTube video by caitlovesdisney where she also ranked every single Barbie movie. However, we wanted to do our own list since some of her choices didn’t reflect what we thought. Her list was still so awesome and I respect anyone who decides to watch all these Barbie movies. We did this because of sheer curiosity and for the sake of very scientific research. 

We thought it would be fun at first. We really did. And it was? Kind of? Just, Jesus Christ. We can no longer see pink. I have night terrors about Barbie’s ugly ass animal friends. It truly was An Experience and has left us feeling dazed and like we never want to rank things ever again. We weren’t planning on posting a written out ranking of these movies anywhere (since we were just doing it for fun between us) but we wanted some physical evidence of our labor since this whole experience took 50 years off our lives. 

Under READMORE we will rank the 36 Barbie movies from WORST TO BEST (36 to 1). HOWEVER, THERE’S A TWIST. We are ALSO ranking them based on how GAY they were (and trust me, it yielded more results than you would originally think). That way we could both get through these movies by spicing things up a little bit. Hit readmore if you’re not a coward.

DISCLAIMER: Barbie is a staple for kids and overall teaches them that anyone (though more specifically girls/women) can do/be anything, which is extremely admirable. We have no issues with Barbie as a role model for kids and this list is all in good fun. However, we are going to point out things that either frustrated us or seemed downright harmful for kids to watch and take after. Clearly Mattel/Barbie has taken great and necessary steps to be more inclusive and progressive, especially in recent years compared to their older movies. 

ANOTHER MILD DISCLAIMER: In some of these movies Barbie’s character is not named Barbie, but we’re just going to call every main girl Barbie to keep things simple and easy. Just a warning. 

ANOTHER ANOTHER DISCLAIMER: This is going to be long since there are 36 movies. Even if you read all of this you will only feel a fraction of our pain. 

WITH THAT, LET’S START WITH SOME HOT GARBAGE. LET’S GO GAMERS. 

36. BARBIE IN PRINCESS POWER (2015)

Starting out with at the fucking bottom lads. My roommate and I were foaming at the fucking mouth watching this movie. It’s so hard to explain why this one pissed us off so much because it was nearly every single goddamn aspect of it. Here’s some bullet points to make this go by quickly and painlessly. 

- She’s a princess but then she ALSO gets super powers??? So she’s already extremely privileged, rich, and lives a comfortable lifestyle, but then she gets powers when A MAGICAL FAIRY BUTTERFLY KISSES HER CHEEK? LIKE LITERALLY JUST KISSES HER CHEEK AND BOOM SHE HAS POWERS. 

- Her powers are really fucking boring. All she has is super strength and she can fly. 

- She treats her best friends/side kicks like shit??? These poor girls (neither rich nor princesses) dote on this fucking girl and do everything for her behind the scenes while she sucks at being a super hero. It’s really infuriating. 

- There’s a side plot where she lets the fame get to her head. So, she starts snapping at everyone around her and just being overall a total bitch? Also her sister gets powers too and they like, fight over this said attention. Stupid. 

- At the end of the movie she apologizes to her sister, but never to her friends or the other people she walked all over? Absolutely infuriating. We don’t know how else to describe this film. Barbie was so rude and unaware of the kind of privilege she had and acted spoiled the entire time, which is why it’s ranked at the complete bottom. 

- Also there was a romantic interest, I think????? He was a reporter? Don’t remember his name. Doesn’t matter. They didn’t get together. Also the fashion and colors in this movie are horrendous. Like c’mon guys. 

Oh also how could we forget. GAYNESS RANK: Not gay at all. So aggressively heterosexual.

Also: We know that Barbie is usually a princess in all of these movies and usually we don’t really care, but this one was especially bad when it came to her acting so fucking privileged. I swear we’re not insane this one was just so bad when it came to that. 

35. BARBIE AND THE SECRET DOOR (2014)

This one isn’t going to be as long or intense as Princess Power (which literally had so much wrong with it that we barely covered any of it). This one was just so offensively ugly. And boring. And stupid. I hated it so much. 

This is also another one where she’s a princess and she whines about how her life is so hard? 

In the beginning, she talks about how all she does is lay around all day and read books, and then later sings a song about how she wishes she could lay around all day and read books? Like, we stan a bookworm queen, but she acts so ungrateful for her lifestyles and then never mentions liking to read again when the main adventure of the movie starts. Just overall dumb and boring. 

Also this is so fucking ugly. Did we mention that this movie is ugly?

I don’t know who approved of these backgrounds and colors but they’re just so hideous like it literally gives me a headache. 

GAYNESS RANK: Pretty heterosexual. Barbie doesn’t have a love interest which is kind of nice and the two girls she meets are cute friends, but not enough to be noteworthy when it comes to gay. 

34. BARBIE A PERFECT CHRISTMAS (2011)

For being centered around Christmas, this didn’t feel like a Christmas movie at all. It tried to follow the typical plot of “We had a great Christmas planned but then oh no! So many things went wrong! But in the end all that matters is that you’re with your family and that’s what Christmas is all about :)” but they somehow managed to fuck that up? This movie is so mean? Barbie’s sisters are awful to each other, and lash out multiple times, especially at the youngest sister. Even if they tried to make up at the end the whole film felt very mean-spirited for a Christmas movie. 

The message about family was lost when they were more concerned with streaming a band performance rather than spending time with each other. It just was not great overall and left a very sour taste in our mouths. Would not recommend to show a kid around Christmas. 

GAYNESS RANK: Not gay at all. Pretty heterosexual. Skipper (the brunette) kind of had this weird thing with her girl friend that lived in New York but it didn’t really go anywhere. Her friend was never shown on screen, anyway. 

Also the movies really fucking ugly. We’re not even going to mention the horrendous pink Christmas trees. You’re welcome. 

33. BARBIE MAGIC OF THE RAINBOW (2007) (also known as Fairytopia 3)

Being the 3rd movie in the Fairytopia series, it’s by far the worst. The portrayal of Barbie/the main character was very obnoxious and careless. She was automatically good at everything she did on the first try and it was honestly so unrealistic and didn’t teach a great message at all. 

It also just, like, had these fairies attend school? To strengthen their powers, I guess? It wasn’t really explained. Barbie was very mean to a another fairy and even if they made up at the end it didn’t feel genuine. I think they were just trying to milk this Fairytopia series for everything it was worth and I’m glad it stopped after this one. 

Her bf in this one wasn’t bad, though, he was pretty sweet. He could talk to animals which was charming. 

GAYNESS RANK: Mid-tier. Even though she fought with the one fairy they had a pretty intense rivalry thing going on, which was pretty gay. Even though she had a bf they kind of barely interacted since Barbie was so engrossed with the other fairy. A few gay points I guess. Though those few gay points get taken away when her annoying fluff ball Bibble gets an ugly fluff ball girlfriend. Stupid.

32. BARBIE IN A MERMAID TALE (2010)

Okay, like... I barely watched this one so my roommate took the fall. So, I’m going to quote them for this: “This one was just written badly, objectively. The pacing was horrendous. The story was very contrived. *long pause*....... That’s all.” 

Yeah I don’t have much to say about this one either. I remember Barbie being bitchy towards her friends and her guardian. When a magic dolphin asks her to help she’s just like “no, fuck you” for literally no reason at all? She surfs but it’s not even that cool, so... wasted potential.

GAYNESS RANK: There’s not nothing? Some potential. Her surfing buddies hang around and she hangs out with her mermaid friends as well. Other than that, though... :( (I promise there will be Barbie movies that are gay just wait) 

31. BARBIE AND HER SISTERS IN A PUPPY CHASE (2016)

This movie... is so strange. We hated it so much, but it was also kind of ironically hilarious??? This is the second movie in the “Barbie and her Sisters + Puppies” series (which are terrible) but this one was special in how awful it was. 

Barbie is SUCH AN IRRESPONSIBLE SISTER. So they go on vacation to some tropical island and Barbie’s youngest sister has a dance recital to practice for, but Barbie just straight up tells her to not practice?? LIKE??? BARBIE?!

They also end up fucking deserted on this island. Everything you can think of goes wrong for them. It’s honestly incredible. At one point they’re stranded outside in the rain only eating granola bars by a fire. Barbie tries to cheer them up by playing this STUPID game called “imagine if” where they just name things that they wish would happen??? 

Oh and at the end Barbies sister ends up winning her dance recital when her whole family and an entire entourage of animals dance with her on stage. Cause, like, yeah, that’s totally fucking fair to the other contestants. 

GAYNESS RANK: All of these Puppy movies are absolutely not gay at all bc it’s literally just Barbie and her sisters with some puppies. Don’t expect too much.  

30. BARBIE AND HER SISTERS IN THE GREAT PUPPY ADVENTURE (2015)

This is the first movie in the Sisters + Puppies series and it’s pretty much just as bad as the other one, but at least Puppy Chase was funny. This one is really boring. Also forgot to mention that the puppies talk. It’s very annoying and absolutely ruins the movies. 

This movie on the surface kind of has a charming premise where they all go on vacation to the countryside/the midwest and experience a lot of small town things, and yet it doesn’t feel very genuine? As someone from the midwest I can confirm. 

Barbie and her sisters go on this treasure hunt that apparently their grandfather died trying to solve, and yet they manage to solve it within a couple days? caitlovesdisney explains it pretty well in her video if you wanna hear more about Puppy Adventure. I know you’re just dying to know more about Puppy Adventure. 

GAYNESS RANK: Barbie at one point talks to another woman who isn’t one of her sisters. Super exciting stuff. 

29. BARBIE THE PRINCESS AND THE POPSTAR (2012) 

Okaaaaay, like....... this one made us really. really. mad. 

So we’ve already mentioned how Barbie acts super privileged in some of these movies, but this is the one that made us notice it. The basic premise is that there’s a princess (Barbie) and a popstar (Who Cares) and they want to switch lives. 

But the thing is they already live amazing lives? So the other Barbie film that this one borrows from (The Princess and the Pauper) loses its meaning and drama? Instead of a rich girl and poor girl trading lives, it’s just two rich girls switching lives. 

ALSO! There’s this side plot where, within the castle, they have this tree that can GROW DIAMONDS? AND THAT’S THE SOURCE OF THE KINGDOM’S WEALTH? AND YET, LATER IN THE MOVIE, THERE ARE POOR PEOPLE LIVING IN POVERTY. SO WHAT THE FUCK IS THE DIAMOND TREE FOR?????

The only saving grace for this movie was that Barbie and the popstar were extremely gay. Like, having posters and pictures of each other in their rooms, gazing at each other dreamily from balconies, and subtly being very touchy-feely every time they’re together in person. That’s pretty much the only reason why it’s a bit higher than some of the others. 

GAYNESS RANK: One of the gayest ones. There are so many side glances and yearning. Shoulder touches and all that. We totally shipped these two by the end. In a different universe, in a better movie... these two could have been super cute together. 

28. BARBIE THE PEARL PRINCESS (2014)

Not much to say about this one. I hated it a lot more than my roommate did and I’m the one typing this all out sooooo I get the final say. I hate this movie so much. Barbie, once again, acted really privileged and was super unlikable. At one point she gets a job at a hair salon, which is kinda nice I guess? But then she’s automatically good at it without even trying? So... fuck off. 

Also there’s a seahorse with hair and it looked so ugly that I constantly wanted to cry. Please free me from the sleep paralysis demons that are the Barbie animal sidekicks. 

GAYNESS RANK: Nothing to report. The couple girls Barbie hangs out with were barely in the movie so there were no vibes. Sad. 

27. BARBIE IN ROCK N ROYALS (2015)

We’re getting to the mid-tier Barbie movies that we don’t have much to say about. My roommate and I just found the concept of this one to be really dumb? 

The outfits were very ugly and the singers were really bad. But there was a main character who was a black girl, which was really nice to see! They also went a little more punk than the typical frilly stuff which was nice to see. Not the worst but still ranked pretty low cause of the dumb premise and just being pretty boring overall. 

GAYNESS RANK: This one was decently gay, pretty mid-tier. Barbie had a great potential romance with the other main girl and the way they interacted was very sweet and cute. They both had male love interests but nothing really came of it which is kinda funny. Not too much going on but enough to get a mention. 

26. BARBIE PRINCESS CHARM SCHOOL (2011)

This was SO FRUSTRATING because it started out STRONG, but then crashed and burned really quickly. 

The movie starts out with Barbie working her ass off at a little diner to make ends meet at home. We see how her guardian can’t work and that she has a little sister and a home to support. It was really charming to see Barbie hustling to make money and felt so much more down-to-Earth than a lot of the other Barbie movies where she’s a princess and has everything she wants. 

Long story short, she wins this drawing to be enrolled in this Princess Charm School where you can learn to be royalty. In the end she finds out that she was the lost princess all along and then everything that was mentioned at the beginning is completely abandoned once this is found out. Just... super disappointing how a relatable Barbie depiction ends up being a princess all along :/

Also the fashion in this movie was super disappointing. They somehow managed to make preppy school girl outfits look bad. Sad. 

GAYNESS RANK: This one’s pretty much on the same level as Rock n Royals. There was some potential with Barbie and her friends but not much else. Next. 

25. BARBIE IN A MERMAID TALE 2 (2012)

Absolutely nothing to report. There’s some more surfing action in this one compared to the first one which is really nice. 

Imma be real with u chief... I barely remember what happens. She meets an Australian girl? She gets tricked by a French fish into transforming into a mermaid? Villain from the first movie comes back... Australian girl gets caught in a whirlpool... They save the day. 

There’s a pretty shitty part where the Australian girl wins the surfing competition but Barbie still somehow gets all the reporters’ attention and gets a sponsorship. It was sad and tbh we didn’t like that part. 

GAYNESS RANK: Gayer than most. Her and this girl have a rivalry which is pretty cute. They playfully tease each other while surfing all the time and tbh I could totally ship it. The Australian girl’s pretty spunky which is refreshing. Too bad her Australian accent was so obviously fake it was distracting. 

24. BARBIE FAIRYTOPIA (2005)

This one gets the award for the most boring Barbie movie. We both could not even try to bring ourselves to pay attention to this one, even if my roommate was nostalgic for it. Bibble was a highlight just cause we made fun of him the whole time but it was a short-lived high. That’s all. Here’s a creepy picture we found of the main character.

GAYNESS RANK: Barbie doesn’t have a love interest at all, which is like, a point... She hangs out with the blue fairy and they’re kinda cute. Not much else, though. 

23. BARBIE FAIRYTOPIA: MERMAIDIA (2006)

My roommate is really nostalgic for this one since they grew up with it, and yet they found it hard to pay attention at all. As did I. It was pretty boring. About a week went by after we watched this one and my roommate was trying to talk about it but I literally did not remember watching it until they showed me a picture of the ugly ass snail with huge lips and it jump scared me. You had to be there I guess. 

They were mermaids... Bibble was there... typical Barbie shit. This image pretty much perfectly describes how enthralling it was to watch this. 

GAYNESS RANK: Barbie and the blue mermaid are a little gay. The love interest was pretty funny and cute. He did have a thing for the blue mermaid so a couple gay points get deducted. 

22. BARBIE THE 12 DANCING PRINCESSES (2006) 

We know this one’s a classic, but we just found it to be very boring? I know this seems like a trend but we swear that we didn’t think all the Barbie movies are boring, it’s just the middle of the list. The dancing in this one was kind of nice and there was an interesting subplot where this lady was slowly poisoning their dad. 

The only thing that seemed silly was when they would stow away to the magical island... Like, why? The lady banned dancing but they could have just danced in their rooms. No one ever went in to check on them or they would have noticed they were gone anyway. So what the hell. 

Also Barbie and all of her other sisters looked exactly the same and it was hard to tell them apart. The love interest was pretty cute, though. 

GAYNESS RANK: Nothing, absolutely zippo. They’re all sisters and she had a nice romance with the guy so. 

21. BARBIE AND THE DIAMOND CASTLE (2008)

Gonna get this out of the way: There is basically nothing to report when it comes to the plot of this movie. Evil force upon the land. A villain. Animal sidekicks. Love interest/Ken who’s barely in the movie. Barbie defeats the evil and gets a new dress. THE END. BUT THAT’S NOT WHAT WE’RE HERE TO TALK ABOUT.

THIS MOVIE... IS SO GAY?

This was at the top of our gay Barbie list literally the entire time (until it was dethroned, but we’ll get to that later). This story LITERALLY revolves around Barbie and her “friend” who: live together in the same house, write songs together, dream about living in a mansion together, garden together, sing while gardening together... LIKE?? Holy shit, lesbian goals. 

At one point in the film they find two heart shaped rocks in the river and make them into necklaces, which they both wear to solidify their “friendship”. We are not making this up. This entire movie was comprised of us looking incredulously at each other every time they stared longingly at one another or mentioned how much they need each other. Evidence:

GAYNESS RANKING: Not gonna say it again. Top-tier gay. However, amazingly, not the gayest. We’ll get into that later. Regardless, we stan two beautiful lesbians living in the woods together where all they do is wear heart-shaped necklaces and sing songs about being rich one day. Amazing.

20. THUMBELINA (2009)

A Barbie movie with an environmental message, which is fine, I guess... Overall we just kinda found this movie annoying, but still a little bit better than other ones that were either insulting or just downright boring. Ferngully for babies? 

I... Wish I could say more. I’m sorry. It’s fine if you were going to show it to a kid, I guess. We also thought this one was kinda ugly as well. 

GAYNESS RANK: There are the two friends and we got no vibes. Absolutely zippo. Next. 

19. BARBIE MARIPOSA AND HER BUTTERFLY FAIRY FRIENDS (2008)

Another one where we just don’t have much to say? We’re now entering the “fine” category. I wouldn’t be really mad if someone made me rewatch it, but I wouldn’t be happy with it either. 

Barbie is also a bookworm in this one, but it’s done a lot better than Secret Door. It’s kind of nice how she’s considered an outcast in this one and has to work through that. Her love interest (Carlos, we remembered his name!) was funny and brought life to the movie. Overall pretty okay!

The bunny sidekick was kind of ugly, though. Can’t win in every category.

GAYNESS RANK: Has some promising potential, but doesn’t really deliver. Disappointing but not awful. 

18. BARBIE MARIPOSA AND THE FAIRY PRINCESS (2013)

This one is a lot better than the first! Surprisingly, this movie deals racism in a way that is easily digestible for children while also not making light of the issue. It’s not perfect, but we found it to do its job pretty well. 

It centers around Barbie meeting a princess (Barbie isn’t a princess for once, yay!) and while the two want to be friends, the princess is a crystal wing fairy and Barbie is a butterfly wing fairy, so the princesses father objects to them being friends. 

Also great time to mention that this was the second gayest Barbie movie for many many many reasons. And trust us, topping Diamond Castle is no easy feat. 

First of all, there are SEVERAL scenes where the crystal fairy princess is completely disinterested in what’s going on but, as soon as Barbie walks in, she gets really excited and gives her her full attention. It’s EXTREMELY cute. 

Second, there’s a Beauty and the Beast esque scene where the crystal fairy gives Barbie an entire library of books, since she remembers that she loves books. They also proceed to bond over what kind of books they like and watching them geek out over that is adorable. 

Third, they sneak off to a cave so that they can hang out without the crystal fairy’s father (the king) finding them. They then go to skip rocks on a lake and the ripples make rainbows. They also dance together at a ball, and there is just so much lingering eye contact and small touches. They’re cute and we ship. 

GAYNESS RANK: ALMOST top of the list. SUPER close. Not quite there, though. We weren’t expecting this one to be as gay as it was since it was a sequel movie, but thank god it was. 

17. BARBIE VIDEO GAME HERO (2017)

This... is a weird one? The basic plot is that Barbie is a programmer who makes video games. She gets sucked into a video game and they need her help to rid the game of viruses. We’re really conflicted about this movie so this will benefit from some good ol fashioned bullet points. 

- It’s really cool that Barbie’s a programmer and likes to play video games, and she’s not a princess! It was very nice and modern of them to include a story like this. Very refreshing after 30 or so Barbie movies that revolve around her being a princess.

- There’s a lot of side characters who join Barbie on her quest, but none of them are interesting or memorable...

- The art style changes between “levels”, and while a cute idea, they don’t take advantage of it enough! There are only three art style changes in the whole movie, and two out of the three are really ugly. 

- There is so much Just Dance product placement in this movie. It’s cringe. 

- The plot of this movie literally... makes no sense? They say that once Barbie wins the level, the viruses attacking that said level will be destroyed, but throughout the movie every time she wins they still don’t stop??? So that’s why she had to have a bunch of characters follow her around so they wouldn’t get attacked by viruses? SO WHAT IS SHE WINNING THE LEVELS FOR?

- This movie was probably the most baby out of all of them. While there’s nothing wrong with that, it was kind of a shock after we were watching all the other Barbie films, which are more targeted towards children to tweens. This one felt like it was for toddlers. 

- Overall this movie wasn’t bad, just very strange. Would maybe recommend? Fine for your kid to watch if they want something casual and fun that involves a girl gamer. Gamers rise up. 

GAYNESS RANK: No gay vibes at all, which is not a total epic gamer moment. Probs because this movie was very very baby so the vibes were nonexistent. Too bad since Barbie met up with a lot of cute girls. Gaymer oppression never ends :(. Press F.

16. BARBIE DOLPHIN MAGIC (2017)

We did it lads. We found The Gayest Barbie Movie that has Ever Existed.

Before we get to that, though, I hate to admit that this is one of the Barbie’s Sisters + Puppies movies, but it’s kind of hilarious because in this one they completely remove the puppies talking. I guess someone smartened up and realized that that was stupid and dumb. Thank god for them because it made the movie infinitely better. 

Plot is simple: Barbie and her sisters are on vacation and while they’re visiting the most boring man on Earth (Ken), an emerald dolphin gets trapped by an evil marine biologist who wants to sell the dolphin for money. Then a mermaid named Isla (yes we remember her name because she’s incredible) goes to save the dolphin with the help of Barbie (with minimal contributions from the others). 

I know we raved about how Fairy Princess was very gay, but just......... wow......... The difference between this and fairy princess is that Dolphin Magic literally has an entire scene dedicated to Barbie and Isla swimming together very closely with ethereal music, littered with cute giggling, lingering shoulder touches, and extended eye contact. Oh, also can’t forget the hand holding.

Don’t forget about the necklaces they give each other so that they can stay connected with each other no matter where they are in the world. There’s even a scene at the end where Isla mentions how Barbie kept trying to contact her multiple times off-screen, only validating Barbies insane girl crush on Isla. 

This may or may not be photoshopped but tbh I don’t give a damn. 

GAYNESS RANK: The gayest Barbie movie. These two were so adorable throughout the entire movie and we couldn’t even get into everything that made it so charming. There were many scenes where Isla was learning how to act like a human that were so sweet and endearing. Great Barbie movie if you’re looking for something sweet with some obvious lesbians. Go team. 

15. BARBIE NUTCRACKER (2001)

We had a lot to say about Dolphin Magic since it was gay, but now we’re getting back into the “it’s fine” category with Nutcracker. 

This movie is sweet and it’s pretty hard to fuck up a Nutcracker adaptation. There wasn’t a ton of ballet which was a little disappointing? They also didn’t play the whole soundtrack and stuck a lot of the good songs right at the end, which was odd. Our only real complaint was it kind of wasted its potential and it was slightly boring. 

Other than that, it’s a sweet Christmas movie if anyone really likes Barbie and the Nutcracker. My roommate grew up on the Nutcracker so regardless it can be pretty nostalgic for some. 

Also, Barbie is beautiful in this movie. 

GAYNESS RANK: There literally is not another female for Barbie to interact with in this movie. There were a couple guys who could have possibly given off vibes but we felt nothing so. 

14. BARBIE A FASHION FAIRYTALE (2010)

If there’s anything to say about this one, it’s definitely... interesting. 

So in this universe, Barbie is an actress, and she plays herself in a bunch of pre-existing Barbie movies (many of which that have already been mentioned on this list). It’s extremely meta and a little confusing???

Barbie basically gets fired from her job, Ken dumps her, and she goes to find herself in Paris with her fashion designer aunt. The most interesting thing we can really say about this movie is describing the beginning, because that was the best part by far. 

It’s also revealed that Ken did not actually dump her, so there’s a really charming side plot where Ken travels all the way from LA to Paris to sort it all out in person through a spontaneous act of romance. 

Ken ABSOLUTELY makes this movie. We quote him a lot when we’re just hanging out in the apartment. He is so cute and funny and loves Barbie so much, it’s adorable. Absolutely worth the watch to see a true himbo in action. 

Also, Ken and Barbie kiss at the end and we’re p sure this is the only movie where Barbie actually kisses any of her love interests. Fuck yeah. 

GAYNESS RANK: There’s no gayness, but that’s okay, because the romance between Barbie and Ken is adorable. I never want anything to get between these two :’)

13. BARBIE IN A CHRISTMAS CAROL (2008)

Not much more to say about this one other than it’s a Christmas Carol but with Barbie. It was interesting to see Barbie in a “Scrooge” role where she has to relearn how to be caring and kind. It was pretty down to Earth and felt very Christmas-y and festive. 

There was a very sweet plot of Barbie reconnecting with a girl she used to sing with as they were growing up. It was also interesting to see that while Barbie was growing up, her family would force her to practice singing rather than letting her go outside and live a normal life. This made Barbie feel a little more down-to-Earth. 

Sorry, we don’t really know what else to say. It’s fine. The cat is very ugly, though. 

GAYNESS RANK: There’s a scene at the end, after Barbie reconnects with her friend, where she’s holding her hands and giggling a lot. It was really cute to see them be friends and to be excited about the holidays together. A couple gay points were deducted since her friend did have a love interest, though.

12. BARBIE AND THE THREE MUSKETEERS (2009)

Not gonna lie, this one was a little... disappointing? We were really excited for this one since it’s a lot of people’s favorite, and the concept of Barbie being a musketeer (and not a princess :)) is exciting and fresh. 

The beginning of this movie was great!! Seeing Barbie practicing in the barn with her animals was just really sweet. She was wearing a cute outfit with pants a vest and the HAT. 

Though, as it went on, it started to drop off for us. The reveal of the musketeers at the end was really underwhelming, and we thought the outfits were a let down compared to Barbie’s earlier outfit in the movie. 

Other than those things, this movie was fun!! Watching all the girls be badass and learn how to fight with their unique weapons was awesome. Watching them team up was really satisfying. The prince guy was also pretty sweet. We would recommend watching this, esp if you remember it being your favorite.

GAYNESS RANK: Has a lot of gay energy!! There are a few scenes where people are outwardly sexist towards her and yet she strives to prove them wrong. When she meets the other girls, they are coached by this old lady who can kick ass. Even though it could have been gayer it was a good time.

11. BARBIE A FAIRY SECRET (2011)

Some people may be mad that we put this above Three Musketeers... whoops. 

Anyway this movie solely exists to give us more Amazing Ken content. This movie takes place in the same universe as Fashion Fairy Tale, so it’s the same Barbie and Ken from that movie. 

Our only complaint is that they took the domestic feel of Fashion Fairy Tale and turned it into something that had so much unnecessary magic?? Though at the same time we got A Vibe from this movie that the creators just wanted to make something silly, and it worked.

Ken is HILARIOUS in this movie, even better than Fashion Fairy Tale. Even though everyone turns into a fairy, the wings that they give Ken are small and pink and he can barely fly with them. It’s just so... funny? He also... mock-fights this other buff fairy guy?? Idk this movie is really hard to explain, sorry. We would definitely recommend this even if just for Ken. 

GAYNESS RANK: Ken is a himbo so he automatically attracts the lesbian crowd. There’s also a plot with Barbie where she makes up with this girl who had been mean to her for the longest time, but it’s done in a way that just feels... really gay? Or at least the girl is kinda gay and Barbie doesn’t exactly realize (since she’s in a committed relationship with Ken). This movie feels like it would be more appealing to gay people rather than being gay itself.

10. BARBIE AS THE PRINCESS AND THE PAUPER (2004)

A lot of people are probably going to be surprised that this isn’t in our top 5, but we want to stress that this movie is good!! These top 10 Barbie movies are getting into the territory where we would absolutely recommend them because they are cute and fun, and this is exactly that!

The songs in this movie are great! However, we do have to be a little bitter towards it since this started the trend of musical Barbie movies, and many of them are shitty and bad compared to this. 

The villain of this movie....... *chefs kiss* We also quote him constantly. 

This is an example of a Barbie movie where she’s a princess but it’s very endearing and done well. She rarely comes off as spoiled. She’s very smart and brave, and we see this through her actions rather than the movie just obnoxiously telling us that she is. Also the romance between the pauper and the king was very sweet. 

GAYNESS RANK: While this was a great set-up to be gay, it doesn’t follow through. We’re not bitter about it, though, since their love interests were very sweet. Pretty straight of them to have their cats fall in love, though :/

9. BARBIE AS THE ISLAND PRINCESS (2007)

When we first watched this one, we thought it was extremely boring and we were going to put it kind of low, but the more we thought about it we realized that it really did have a great plot.

They brought Barbie to civilization from her deserted island and people start getting sick, so they’re blaming Barbie for bringing diseases when in reality it’s the villain using rats to poison people’s food. Also, it was so charming and interesting to see Barbie’s love interest want to be an adventurer, and he had so much more personality than a lot of other Barbie Princes. While he’s not on Ken’s level, he was so sweet. 

All in all this one definitely had one of the tightest plots with great characters that really endears you to them. It’s a little slow but def worth the watch.

GAYNESS RANK: One of the least gay ones... Not mad though, the love interests were great. The peacock was kinda gay so... love wins. 

8. BARBIE OF SWAN LAKE (2003)

People will ALSO be surprised that this one is so low compared to other people’s Barbie movie lists. Please, trust us, we’re not crazy, it’s just... when you’ve watched 30+ other Barbie movies the initial charm of this kind of wears off. We both are very nostalgic for this movie and yet that couldn’t even bump it into the top 5. 

A couple things we can praise: The toys were AMAZING, Barbie’s dress is BEAUTIFUL and ICONIC, the dancing and music were very gorgeous. The dancing in this movie was mocapped from real ballet dancers, so, very nice.

But... the forest animals were kind of annoying? Their outfits were kind of cute but they were still annoying? The villain’s daughter’s VOICE was just... HORRENDOUS. With the villain in Princess and the Pauper, the guy’s voice was comical but it didn’t completely take you out of the movie. This chick, however, was being so over dramatic that it wasn’t even ironically funny, it was very cringey... Just bad voice acting all around. 

Also this movie was a lot more boring than we remember. 

REGARDLESS OF ALL OF THAT, this is a CLASSIC Barbie movie and we would still recommend checking it out at least once (and rewatching if you haven’t seen it since you were a kid). 

GAYNESS RANK: Nothing gay to report. Next.

7. BARBIE IN THE PINK SHOES (2013)

Another... strange one. 

So Barbie is a ballet dancer about to do a performance and when her shoes break down, she goes into a store room and finds a pair of pink ballet shoes. When she puts them on, she and her friend are teleported into this alternate dimension??? Where all ballets ever are happening at the same time??? And she’s the main lead for all of them?? At once?? And there’s this ice queen villain who controls people by making them dance???????

This was the first Barbie movie we watched (we put them all in a wheel and let that decide our fate) and it sure did set the tone. 

Plot doesn’t matter though, we need to talk about... Them. Only Pink Shoes fans will understand. 

So, there are these two guys... and they’re just like... really gay??? They inspired us to apply a gay ranking to these Barbie movies, if that tells you anything. One in a prince and the other is a commoner/hunter. There are so many scenes where it cuts away from Barbie to focus on these two playfully bantering with each other (enemies to lovers 100k slowburn)? The hunter guy teaches the other how to shoot a bow and arrow by touching him and guiding him into the right position? There’s also a scene where they meet back up with Barbie, but they only have two horses, so instead of Barbie riding with one of them they ride with each other and give her her own horse??? Respect women juice...

They also show up at the end just... together? (in real life not in the... Pink Shoes dimension) and it’s not explained what they’re doing together or even what their relationship is (friendship or otherwise). It truly was bizarre. 

GAYNESS RANK: This was on top for quite awhile since it was the first movie we watched. Unfortunately de-throned by Diamond Castle when we got around to it, but we still STAN these himbos. 

6. BARBIE AND HER SISTERS IN A PONY TALE (2013)

I... okay hear us out...

This movie is bad. Like, objectively it’s very very bad. It’s a baby movie, a Barbie and her sisters movie, it’s a horse girl movie, on top of everything... and yet... 

We probably had the most fun watching this one, like, we were glued to the fucking screen. We cried laughing multiple times because it was just so charmingly bad. 

Plot isn’t important, since my roommate and I keep forgetting what the real plot is. We only care about the British boys from the rivaling stable and how they just breeze in and out and run away on their horses laughing like frenchmen... even though they’re British. One of them uncannily resembles Malfoy from hp and is a sidekick to the main guy, it’s a little weird. 

There are also these two British kids and the girl is super weird? Like weird girl representation for real. Also there’s this Phillipe guy who was so fucking funny to listen to. Here’s Phillipe, you’re welcome.

Fuck you I’m not resizing the image. 

Oh also Barbie finds a magic horse with a pink mane. Phillipe wants to like, kill her for it, I guess. Yeah. 

GAYNESS RANK: While super fucking funny, not a lot of gay. It makes up for it with the mere presence of Phillipe. 

5. BARBIE AND THE MAGIC OF PEGASUS (2005)

This and the next entry are both tied for 4th place since it was extremely hard to choose between the two. We were both nostalgic for this and the next entry, but we were also really excited to find out that both of these are great movies!

So me personally, I was a horse girl growing up, and I ADORED this movie. I didn’t think it would be so good upon rewatch, but it actually was! The plot was pretty tight, the villain was fun, it felt like a genuine fairytale, the characters were cute and fun, and Barbie was intelligent and resourceful! 

Check this one out if you haven’t seen it, but now we’re going to talk about one of the best aspects of this movie, which is Barbie’s love interest. 

Unlike every single other Barbie bf, the love interest in this one (named Aiden) was literally almost a better character than Barbie herself. For the first time EVER they decided to give a Barbie love interest a BACKSTORY. And, like, a GOOD backstory. It made him feel like a real person and his story pulled at your heartstrings. 

Also, him and Barbie do not automatically get along, and for a decent amount of time they have witty banter with one another. It really lets their characters shine through the movie and was SO refreshing. 

We could rave about Aiden all day, but you guys should just go watch it for yourself, it really is worth it!

GAYNESS RANK: Not gay at all, but fine since the romance is so great. Moving on!

4. BARBIE AS RAPUNZEL (2002)

This movie is just... good. And not even good for a Barbie movie, it’s just a well-written movie overall! The plot was tight and remained interesting without being too complicated, either. Barbie’s animals were also pretty charming (even if the rabbit is ass ugly, but it’s 2002, they get a pass) and likable compared to other Barbie sidekicks. The dragon even has a little arc of her own??? Hell yeah. 

Don’t really have to explain the plot, it’s Rapunzel. The only difference is that she has a magical paintbrush that can teleport her to places that she paints, which helps the story progress. 

It also really did feel like Barbie was in mortal danger, which is so unlike every other Barbie movie. I was really glad to have grown up with this movie being my first exposure to Rapunzel, since I believe it’s a great introduction to her (and the toys were awesome, lol). This was another movie where Barbie being a princess was really great and charming since it felt earned since she went through hard times. 

Okay, like, we literally cannot go any further without mentioning something, stay with us...

In the movie, there’s, like, this weasel/ferret thing that belongs to the villain. He’s basically an animal villain, or whatever. 

I don’t really know how else to say this other than there’s this scene where he asks the villain to give him the rabbit and he outright just... moans????? The voice actor just... lets it out. It literally sounds like he’s getting a hand job in the recording booth in the middle of the line and just lets it all out and they kept that shit in, and then animated it???? 

We really wish we could include a video exclusively of that scene, but the best we can do is just link the video and give you a time stamp (37:49). PLEASE watch it. We have been quoting it every single day since we watched the damn movie.

GAYNESS RANK: No gay. Nothing to report. Barren. Probably the least gay. 

3. BARBIE SPY SQUAD (2016)

All due respect to the original queen caitlovesdisney, but like, she’s wrong about Spy Squad. Listen. 

This movie was SO MUCH FUN. We were literally just glued to the screen and having a great time watching these three girls chase after this cute af phantom thief chick??? They had tons of cops-and-robbers dialogue with her and it was just... FUN. Almost like a thriller, tbh. 

caitlovesdisney did make a great point in her video when she mentioned that they were actually pretty bad at being spies, and we can totally see why this would be super frustrating to people if they were watch. However, my roommate and I didn’t mind? We thought it was charming that they weren’t automatically great at something and that they had to practice a ton to get better. So much more refreshing compared to other Barbie stories. 

The elephant in the room, though... we have to talk about Lazlo. 

Barbie’s friend (Theresa) has the cutest fucking romance with the boy who builds all their spy equipment throughout the movie. They’re both really nerdy, but they don’t shove it down your throat and act annoying about it? It literally just comes up in casual conversation between the two of them and they just have fun talking about things they like. It was so fucking cute and it made the movie that much better. 

GAYNESS RANK: This movie is REALLY REALLY... APPEALING to gay people, even though it’s not really gay itself. The phantom thief, the spy outfits, all the girls riding motorcycles, the leather, the cool spy equipment... It just felt like it would appeal to a lot of gay people (and it did, cause we fuckin liked it). This movie is good. Please watch it and don’t let its low ranking on other lists dissuade you. We are right and they are wrong. 

2. THE BARBIE DIARIES (2006)

Before yall say anything, we know that this movie is fucking ugly. We clowned on some of the other movies for being ugly but this one truly takes the ugly cake. 

HOWEVER, that did not prevent this movie from being good. We fucking loved it. 

FIRST OF ALL, Barbie is in high school???? Which was so fresh to see???? There’s no magic, no princesses. It’s literally just a down-to-Earth teen drama movie involving Barbie, her friends, a love interest, and some mean girls. 

This had a really interesting plot that was actually kind of... complicated???? Dare I say??? We’re not stupid. There was just so much going on involving couples breaking up and getting back together, Barbie changing her motivations, how her friends react to what she’s doing, just... so much.

The only real criticism we have of this one is that the apology in this one was pretty rushed and didn’t feel Barbie’s friends should have forgiven her so easily for the shit she did. Other than that, though, this was a pretty great teen drama that I would highly recommend. I would definitely watch this one again, regardless of how ugly it is. 

GAYNESS RANK: Barbie had a clear love interest with a guy that was super sweet (sorry we didn’t mention him but he’s one of the better love interests, love u Kev) but mean girl teen drama is always a little gay? Plus how she would go back and forth between social circles was interesting. Also her and her friends are in a band, which is always cool and appealing to the gays, at least. 

1. BARBIE STARLIGHT ADVENTURE (2016)

We did it. We made it to the end. If there’s even one person who read this at all I would thank you but... you’ve lost along with us. BUT AT LEAST WE GET TO TELL YOU ABOUT STARLIGHT ADVENTURE. YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This movie came out NOWHERE and fucking PUNCHED US IN THE FACE. When the wheel picked this one, we were starting to get burned out, and thought that since this was a newer Barbie movie it wouldn’t be very good. Boy, were we fucking wrong. 

This movie is so INTERESTING and HANDS DOWN has the best portrayal of Barbie as a character. This took such an interesting perspective on space travel, sci-fi, a slightly dystopian YA setting... it has so much going on but never feels like too much. 

Can we just start with how GORGEOUS this movie looks and how CUTE Barbie’s design is?!

She’s wearing a VEST and PANTS!!!!! FUCK YES. 

Anyway, the plot: She lives with her dad on this deserted planet, and she takes care of the animals, while also riding a hoverboard competitively. She’s contacted by some galactic king to join a team and fix the alignment of the stars? (sorry if it’s not exactly right lol its 4am). When accepting, she also meets this girl that she had been competing with at hoverboard competitions, and they develop a really sweet friendship with each other and a few other friends/teammates. 

Unlike the other Barbie movies, we kind of understand why everyone else looks up to Barbie as a leader figure. She makes decisions confidently and goes through so much character development. Even the villain goes through a sort of redemption arc, and it’s done fairly well!!! This is so much different from other Barbie movies. 

This feels like it could be, like, a legitimate movie that could be played in theaters rather than a straight-to-DVD Barbie movie. The animation in this was GORGEOUS, like miles better than 99% of the other movies. Plus, cute animal sidekick (FINALLY). 

We can’t gush about this enough, people should be made aware of this movie. It’s completely worth your time. IT’S ALSO ON NETFLIX. 

GAYNESS RANK: This is another one that’s moreso appealing to gay people rather than being gay itself. However, Barbie and the other girl that rides the hoverboard have a few really gay scenes, such as meeting up in a garden late at night and riding around. They giggle and laugh with each other and have a deep conversation about life and shit while staring up at the (gorgeously animated) sky. That def gets some points. 

That’s it those are all the 36 Barbie movies ranked based off of nothing but pure............................ hubris? Stupidity? Pride? I don’t know. I’m so sorry. We fucking hated watching most of these. 

Except for Starlight Adventure.... You can stay.

[officialleehadan]

Hood and Strike

Hello darlings! Today's prompt was brought to you by JDR, who requested fluffy humor, and what better than Beastly Familiars to deliver! Thank you for all your support darling. It means the world to me!

This story concludes Prompt month! I can't wait to see what you pick in June. Until then, there are plenty more stories coming!

Enjoy!

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(!!!)

“It’s not food.”

(…?)

“Seriously, not food.”

(?!?)

“If you bite my hand while it’s full of your poop, neither of us are gonna be happy.”

There were some perils to being bonded with a snake. Oh, sure, Bhavini loved her Naja, who was, mostly, both easy to deal with and sweet-tempered.

But cobras, especially manacled cobras, were significantly ‘bite first and ask questions later’ when something caught their attention.

The concept of ‘hungry’ didn’t translate terribly well into snake-thought. Even Naja, who was clever for her kind, thought in punctuation, which made communicating with her downright difficult.

Particularly when something caught her attention, and she did that very particular perk that always meant she was thinking about hooding up and striking.

Snakes.

So now Bhavini was splitting her attention between her decidedly interested familiar, and the truly horrifying remains of her familiar’s last meal.

Unfortunately, to Naja, movement ment food,a nd scrubbing meant movement.

Bhavini might be immune to her venom as a cheerful side effect of their being bonded, but a cobra bite was still a significantly unpleasant experience.

(!!!)

The hood came up, and Bhavini yanked her hand back just in time as Naja struck forward, transfixed by the movement of the scrubbing brush. Her aim was good, as always, but the pure profanity of a cobra who had bitten what turned out to definitely not be food was hilarious.

“I told you it wasn’t food,” Bhavini said, and waited for Naja to focus on her, or more specifically on the hand she raised, palm out, to catch Naja’s attention safely. “I’ll feed you tomorrow. We both know you’re not actually hungry.”

(….) Naja said, more feeling than actual concept. And which translated more or less to ‘no she wasn’t hungry, but food might be nice and the brush had looked like food’ in snake-speak. (…<3?)

Bhavini understood the thought for what it was and proffered her hand out now that Naja was reoriented and knew it wasn’t food. Naja immediately coiled out, a solid five feet of dusty-brown and black scales, marked by the gorgeous pattern, the monacle that gave her species their name, on the back of her hood.

(<3) Naja said as she burruwed inside Bhavini’s shirt and wrapped around Bhavini’s shoulders. Once she was comfortable, almost completely hidden and secure, she tucked her head up against Bhavin’s cheek, tongue flickering out in a snake ‘kiss’. Bhavini smiled and turn enough to kiss her familiar’s cool, scaly head. (<3<3<3)

“I love you too, little menace,” Bhavini said, and finished with the tank. It wasn’t locked, of course. Naja liked to sleep there, and enjoyed both her heating pad and her cave, but had mostly free run of the rest of the facility. Mostly, she preferred to ride in Bhavini’s shirt.

“Hey, sweetheart!”

The Brooklyn accent rang out down the hall, and Bhavini sighed even as her shirt, or rather the snake inside, hissed.

($%^*(*@^^%#(&#)*)

“In here, Grant,” she called over the angry snake-cussing in her head. It was always easier to just find out what the obnoxious man wanted so he would go away. Unfortunately, Grant seemed to think Bhavini would go out with him if he asked enough, and wasn’t that willing to take no for an answer. Bhavini tried not to be alone with him if she could. OS far he had been polite, if insistent, but there was not telling how long that would last. “I told you not to call me that.”

“But you’re just so sweet,” Grant said when he came into sight, his usual ‘I’m a god’ smile on his face. Bhavini resisted the urge to hit him with her bucket full of snake poop. “Sweetheart, I’m thinking dinner. You. Me. The Starlight Room. What do you think?”

“That I told you no.”

“Awe, come on. Just gimme a chance.”

The feeling of Naja’s cool scales against her skin gave Bhavini an idea, and she smiled all at once even as Naja, always clever and who did not like Grant, cocked herself just enough to peep out of Bhavini’s collar.

Grant, of course, didn’t like snakes in general any more than Naja liked him. He only came around when there was a snake that needed to be relocated, and didn’t want to do it himself.

“Oh Grant,” Bhavini said, still smiling in a way that made Grant, who was apparently not as dumb as he looked, stare at her with just a little alarm. “I’m sorry, but you see, I would need to get my familiar’s permission before I could ever go out with you. After all, it’s her life too.”

This was going to be brilliant.

(<3!)

Especially since Naja was absolutely on board.

“You’re bonded?” Grant, of course, had never seen Naja in any of his visits. The cobra disliked him enough to hide when he came around. “Well, introduce me! I can’t wait! You’ll see. I’m great will all sorts of cute fuzzies!”

Fuzzies. The poor darling. Bhavini almost felt bad.

(!!!!!)

But not bad enough to stop Naja as she let out a horrendous hiss and, supported by Bhavini’s shoulder, cocked herself out of the front of Bhavini’s shirt, hood spread gloriously and mouth open in a clear threat display.

There was really something very powerful about a solid five feet of deadly cobra coiling up around her shoulders and absolutely furious at someone else.

Grant let out a shriek that could have shattered glass, and toppled backwards, only to scuttle backwards like a crab as he tried to get away from the large, angry snake. Naja, for her part, hissed again, the low, rasping growl that was iconic to an angry cobra. He almost made it to his feet when she charged down from Bhavini’s shoulder to her arm, secured herself neatly, and struck.

She was well out of range. Even a big cobra had a specific strike zone and Grant was comfortably out of it. Not that Naja wouldn’t bite him if she got the chance, but Grant wasn’t in any real danger.

Grant, of course, didn’t know that. Unfortunately, this time when he lunged backwards, he also hit the switches by the door. Specifically, the ones attached to the ceiling fan.

Sudden movement in a room full of venomous, sight-hunting snakes got him a lot of attention all at once.

It also made every single rattlesnake, thirteen in total, go off at once. Even Bhavini, who was entirely used to them, felt a chill at the sound that was last warning any rattlesnake ever gave before it struck.

Grant, who was not at all used to the rattlesnakes, or the angry cobra in his face, screamed again and somehow managed to fling himself out the open door. The sound of gravel, and then of car tires squealing on pavement, told Bhavini that the obnoxious man was gone.

When he was gone, Naja lowered her hood and slithered back up to give Bhavini another ‘snake kiss’, tongue ticking against her cheek.

(!) Naja said, entirely satisfied with herself. (<3?)

“You are definitely the best,” Bhavini told her, and kissed the top of her head again as the cobra begged for snuggles and got them. “Come on. It’s getting hot in here, and we have work to do. And you know what, maybe I’ll even thaw you out dinner a day early. What do you think about that?”

(<3<3<3)

“Yeah, I love you too.”

+++

Beastly Familiars:

Animals will be animals, no matter how intelligent. Sometimes animals will be… well… Beastly.

Nothing but Trouble

Bad to the Bone

Oil and Water

Master of All

Hunting Practice

Under the Desk, Up on the Bookcase

Mouse Hunters

Hooter

Bandit

In the Walls

Stone’s Throw

Fish Bucket

Caterwaul

Tilting at Windmills (Subscriber Only!)

Blue Rings and Crabs

Pounce (Free on Patreon!)

Fruity Fruit

Eyes Up

On Emerald Wings

+++

MORE STORIES!

+++

[lostjonscave]

Oooh for the prompts thing....Jon, contentment, and a pen? The object is kind of random but I feel like we need some happy content for the archives crew lol. Or at least I do because it seems like we’re headed towards something Really Not Good and I’m mildly terrified!

well, i took this in a very AU direction, and then it got away from me a bit, but here you go! jon/martin, jon + contentment + pen, 2009 words. 

-:- 

“We’re going to need,” Gertrude says with all her usual bone-dry calm, “someone from artifacts storage to come down and assist with collecting this.” 

Jon can’t tell if the effect of her tone is ruined or enhanced by the fact that she is currently bandaging up a nasty bite on the side of her hand. There is still a low, rumbling growl emanating from the bright pink handbag on her desk, a far deeper and more resonant pitch than Jon has ever heard from an animal that might reasonably fit inside a handbag. He eyes it cautiously. “I suppose that’s for the best… They have the industrial gloves up there, don’t they. One moment and I’ll call someone down.” 

“Did someone already see Miss Petersen out?” 

He glances over his shoulder, out into the Archives; they are empty. “I… think so yes, a few minutes ago.” 

“Good. She ought to be getting along to her mother in the hospital. Judging by the injuries she described, I have a rather bleak idea of how much time the woman may have left.” Gertrude finishes bandaging her hand with a crisp application of medical tape. Jon would have offered to help, but he knows far better by now. “... Anything else?” He asks. 

“No, thank you Jonathan, that will be all.” Waving a dismissive hand at him, Gertrude draws a long metal ruler from one of her desk drawers, peering at the handbag’s darkened opening with interest. 

“Right.” He’s given up on reminding her that just ‘Jon’ is fine. Apparently her instinct towards propriety is simply too strong to override, which reminds him of his own grandmother at times, although Gertrude is several years younger. He shuts the door to the archivist’s office quietly behind himself and crosses the Archives for the assistants’ area. Sasha’s voice rings clear across the stuffy space. When he approaches, she holds up a finger in front of her lips, and he nods. 

“Oh, is that so?” She says into the department phone, putting on her most sugary, wheedling voice. “Yes, that would be beyond helpful. Thanks ever so much... Hmm. Could you repeat that for me, please?” Sasha gestures quickly at Jon across the desk, and he quickly slides a pen and scrap paper over to her. After copying down what looks like an address and a few further details, Sasha says, “Well, you’ve been a wonderful help. I’m sure I’ll have no more trouble getting in touch with her. Oh, and the same to you, sir!” Then she hangs up the phone with a determined crack of the receiver. “God, what a bloody creep.” 

Jon tilts his head towards Sasha sympathetically. “And who were you today?” 

“Someone’s estranged niece,” she explains. “Trying to track down her aunt in order to make amends with her after the unexpected death of both parents, it’s all very television drama. Lots of people go for that, though!” 

Jon perches on the empty chair next to Sasha. “Lots of people actually live for that, from what I gather, although I cannot begin to imagine.” He gestures to the department phone. “Are you finished with that, or…?” 

“Hm? Oh, yeah.” She rolls her chair backwards so that he can move in to access it. “What’s the errand this time?” 

“I’m just calling down Artifacts Storage to assist with some kind of carnivorous handbag.” 

Sasha gives him a significant look. “Artifacts Storage, hum?” she asks with very feigned innocence. 

Jon squints at her. “Yes, Artifacts Storage. Unless you think there’s a better place for-” 

She flaps a hand. “No, no, go on.” 

He does, pressing the button for short dial. It only rings twice before a buoyant, familiar voice chimes in from the other end of the line. “Hello, artifacts curation office?” 

“I- Oh. Hello, Martin,” Jon says, working very hard to sound professional while Sasha has turned eyes on him like a bird of prey. “We just need, er, some assistance with, well, there’s. Obviously there’s an artifact. Which, is, why I have rung your department.” 

Somehow Martin’s smile is audible even over the phone. “I see. That’d be in the Archives, then?” 

With some effort Jon refrains from cringing. “Yes, of course, I should have- It’s in the Archives, yes. You’ll  want to send someone down with proper equipment to handle, ah, very sharp teeth. It’s aggressive.” 

“Ooh, okay, righto.” There is a muffled clatter on the other end of the line. “Hang tight and I’ll be there in two seconds, let me… just... “ 

“Take your time,” Jon says, for lack of anything better, and then has to wait on the line while Martin bangs around in the background and Sasha sits there looking inappropriately smug. He considers taking off his glasses so that he doesn’t have to see her, but Martin is back before it really becomes necessary. “Right, so I’ll see you in a moment?” 

Jon almost nods awkwardly before he remembers they’re on the phone. “...I’m not going anywhere?” 

“Cheers.” With a click, Martin hangs up, presumably to trek down here with whatever containment equipment they reserve for the artifacts with more animalistic attributes. Jon puts the phone down as well, staunchly avoiding eye contact to try and stall whatever Sasha is about to gleefully ask him, but this is another one of those scenarios where his attempts are generally fruitless no matter what.

“So! Martin is headed down, did I hear that correctly?” Sasha rests her chin on her folded hands like a psychiatrist about to grill him. 

“You did, in fact,” Jon says with deliberate nonchalance. He won’t let her get to him that easily. “Is that significant?” 

“You tell me,” Sasha counters smoothly. “Didn’t you just see him?” 

Jon raises an eyebrow at her. “To when are you referring?” 

She huffs and shoves the arm of Jon’s desk chair so that it jostles him. “Oh, come off it. Basira told us at the canteen, all right? We know you two went on a date last night, so how did it go?” 

“You’d never expect her to be the gossip, and yet,” Jon grumbles, folding his arms crossly and shrinking back into his chair. He may have been caught out, but he’s not about to go quietly along. “Must you insist on involving yourself in my private affairs? It’s downright obnoxious.” 

Sasha rolls her eyes. “It’s not obnoxious, you clown, it’s called having friends. Occasionally, you talk about things that happen in your life. Anyway you were in a positively sunny mood this morning, at least for you. I could just guess how it went, but I’m being friendly.” 

Jon glowers at her. “You’re being insufferable, actually.” 

“Oh, so are we to expect to see you in wedded bliss within the year, or-” 

“Fine, all right, it was- It was actually bloody awful, on a quality scale of dates I’ve been on, if you must know,” he snaps irritably, and there is a small, ugly satisfaction in the way her face falls. 

“Oh. Are you serious? But- You seemed so pleased this morning.” 

Jon glances over at her again and immediately feels guilty. “I- Well. The first hour really was terrible, and I might even have left if he wasn’t my ride. But he did manage to, shall we say, pull a comeback in the second half.” 

Sasha raises an eyebrow. “Well, go on then.” 

Sighing, Jon folds his hands in his lap and stares at them intently. “He took me to a… Poetry reading. Sort of? One of those loud, microphoned businesses. They all seemed to have it memorized.” “Oh! Slam poetry,” Sasha supplies helpfully. “That actually sounds interesting, I didn’t know Martin was a fan of that sort of thing!” Jon glances up at her, clears his throat. “Apparently he’s… Performed there before. Not- not last night, though, although- “ He makes a small, irritable gesture. “The problem was that we sat so far up, we were right next to one of the speakers and I could hardly breathe, it was so loud. Like someone shouting in your face for twenty minutes at a clip.” Sasha cringes sympathetically. “Okay, yeah, that’s not great. Can’t exactly have any good conversation that way.” 

“If he said anything to me while we were in there I certainly didn’t notice.” Jon snorts. “And the food- Good lord, you wouldn’t believe. One of those co-op cafés, at some point a bit of stale bread showed up on the table with some disgusting sort of, pickled, salmon paste?” The memory makes him shudder, even over twelve hours later. 

Sasha sits up straighter in her chair, hands on her knees, and exhales softly with a quiet whoof. “Right. Well, I see what you mean. But he pulled it back?” 

“I- I think he must have noticed, at some point, I had pretty much, er, shut down.” Jon coughs again. “So we went outside, and he said I looked a little green- I wanted to walk a bit, so we did, and then, well, there was a- You know that secondhand bookshop up near Stockwell?” Sasha brightens. “Sure, I’ve canvassed it before. You went there?” “For, um, a couple of hours,” Jon admits quietly, fiddling with one of the pens on the desk to avoid looking at her. “A couple of hours!” Sasha spins her chair towards him, pointing triumphantly. “I knew there was- What did you do for a couple of hours? What did you do after that?” 

Jon puffs up his chest a bit, opens his mouth to tell her… Something, either that it’s none of her business, or that they’d actually talked the whole time, that Jon had walked him up to his door, that he’d ridden the tube home at 2AM in some kind of infatuated stupor, but before he can start he is interrupted by the man of the hour himself parading into the Archives, decked out in some jerry-rigged version of riot gear. Jon startles so hard at seeing him he nearly falls out of his chair. Martin beams at the both of them and waves before jogging over. 

“Hey guys! Er, I’m here for the thing with the teeth? You weren’t much more specific than that,” he explains bashfully, gesturing to his outfit, which looks like it could probably sustain an attack by several dogs at once. “So, I figured I had better be more safe than sorry.” 

“That’s not- Not a bad call,” Jon says, wildly avoiding his eyes. It does not stop the blush intent on creeping up from under his collar. “Gertrude is, ah, examining it, in her office, but she might be finished by now.” 

“It’s a handbag,” Sasha supplies, doing a decent but not exemplary job of hiding her amusement. “Pink and frilly. You’ll probably have to muzzle it somehow.” Martin blinks. “Oh, well, I’ve got the equipment for that upstairs. In the meantime I’ll see if I can’t get it to bite down real good on my arm pad and transport it that way. D’you know if it can move around?” “I haven’t recorded or observed any mobile capabilities, no,” Jon replies, straining to sound proper. “More of a, er, Venus Fly Trap sort of situation.” 

Martin salutes cheerily. “Brilliant, that makes my job all the more simple. Suppose I ought to head in before Gertrude tries to feed it something, ey?” 

Sasha grins. “You’d better.” 

“Okay. Well, then I’ll see you at noon, Jon?” 

“What? Oh- Yes, er, yeah, yes, of course,” Jon mutters, this time steadily avoiding Sasha’s extremely significant stare. “Don’t lose any fingers in there.” 

Martin flashes him a warm smile. “And miss lunch with you? Wouldn’t dream of it.” He heads off towards Gertrude’s office, tightening the straps of the pad on his arm and whistling tunelessly. 

“You’re having lunch with him?” Sasha mouths, incredulous, before Martin has even had time to knock on Gertrude’s door. “You went out last night and now you’re having lunch with him?!” Jon glances toward the office, checking the coast is clear. Then he chucks a pen at her. 

-:- 

send me more prompts if you like! 

[kittenwritesstuff]

Once upon a time

Fandom: The Hobbit Pairing: Fili x reader Genres: mild angst, jealousy, fluff Words: 2.235 Summary: You’re a storyteller that Fili grew very fond of. However, he thinks that Thorin has feelings for you, too - requested by @girl-next-door-writes

You slide your gaze around, checking if your entire audience is ready. The older part of the Company settled on tree logs a bit further, but Bilbo, Kili, Ori, and surprisingly Dwalin, are sitting on the ground, cross-legged, as near as you as possible without a danger of getting burnt by the fire.

The time has come, the favorite part of the evening when you will tell a tale. It started out when Bilbo asked you to tell him a story when he missed his books and, gradually, your audience grew until everyone joined in. Even Gandalf enjoyed the stories immensely.  

After the pipes are lit the silence falls, anticipation filling the dwarves’ gazes. You smile softly.

“What do you want to hear about?”

“A warrior!” Dwalin states, and a collective hum of agreement rings.

“A warrior, you say. Brave one?”

“Aye!”

“The one whose courage saves the day and a princess, maybe?”

“Yes, please, a princess!” Kili pleas, a sweet look on his face and you chuckle.

“Alright then,” you clear your throat, adjusting your position. “Once upon a time…”

As you tell your tale, painting the story with details, characters good and bad, said brave warrior and a beautiful lady of his heart, the dwarves make no noise to not disturb you. Some of them lean in closer to hear better, some react quietly, throwing a ‘no!’ or ‘awww’ as you carry on.

You adore watching them. You never imagined that something as simple as a story would turn loud, sometimes obnoxious dwarves into quiet listeners. It was a sight to behold and you are happy that your words have such an effect on them.

One of them, however, is affected more than others. And in other ways than the rest.

Fili, sitting somewhere between his brother and Balin, looks at you as if you quite literally placed the stars on the night sky. You’re a miracle to him, a queen, the one that deserves the world. And obviously, you know nothing about how he feels.

It has began even before you started your evening routine of telling the tales. From the day he met you, Fili could sense that you would mean more to him than just a companion. You were always smiling, always kind and helpful and Fili knew he would fall fast for you.

And that is what happened, and that is why he looks at you with nothing but adoration. He only hopes that nobody can see it, especially you.

When you finish the story, Thorin is the first one to start clapping. Fili glances around and notices that Bilbo not-so-discreetly wipes his cheeks and that Dwalin is sniffing.  Those are rather usual sights after your tales - the power you possessed turns even the hardest warriors into sobbing mess. Dwalin was never embarrassed to cry after most heartbreaking stories.

“Y/N!” Kili calls softly and you turn your gaze at him.

“Yes?”

“Did the warrior and princess marry?”

“I do believe they did. And they lived happily ever after.”

“And had a lot of babies?” Ori inquires and you nod your head.

“Of course. Courageous as  their father and beautiful as their mother.”

“Oh, that’s good. I like happy endings.”

“I like them, too, Ori.”

“Tell another one!” Bofur asks, but Thorin stands up and shakes his head.

“It’s late and we have to wake up early. As much as I like Y/N’s tales we must wait till tomorrow for another one.”

A collective whine courses through the Company as they get up and, with some of them pouting, start getting ready for sleep. Each of them is tending to their own tasks and as you get up, Thorin approaches you.

“I must say, I wasn’t very fond of the idea of those evening tales.”

“Did I manage to change your mind?” you smile and Thorin nods.

“You did, Y/N. It’s nice to hear something else than sounds of woods and the boys’ complaining.”

“They don’t complain that much!” you protest with a hint of humor in your voice.

“Well, not since you don’t. I do think that seeing a lass going through every day journey with no word of complain stops them from doing so. They need to appear strong.”

“Ah, male’s ego.”

Thorin chuckles airily.

“You’re right, we can’t let ourselves be weaker than a girl. With no disrespect to you, Y/N. You’re doing very well.”

“Why, thank you. I didn’t expect to hear a compliment from you!”

“Am I really so harsh?”

“Sometimes. But we all understand you have to be focused on getting to Erebor,” you say reassuringly and gently put a hand on Thorin’s shoulder to show your support in some way.

“I’m glad to hear that,” he murmurs and a small smile appears on his lips, a very rare sight. You’re happy that you caused it.

“Now, time to bed,” he gives you a feign stern look and you sport your face to wear a serious expression.

“Yes, Thorin.”

He shakes his head with amusement visible in his eyes and then walks from you, heading to Gandalf, most likely to discuss the next part of the journey.

You reach for your bag and as you straighten up you catch Fili’s gaze. He’s frowning, looking almost angry.

And you can’t help but wonder what did you do to make him mad. Was it your story? He never acted like that around you. Fili was always kind, always asking if there was something he could help you with. Always concerned about your well-being.

What changed his behavior?

______

The next night, after you finished your tale and Thorin ordered everyone to began readying for the rest, Fili came to you with an expression you couldn’t quite read.

“You and I have a watch tonight.”

“Fine, just let me make something warm to drink. Do you want some tea?”

He nods and walks to his brother, leaving you puzzled. If you didn’t know him better, you’d say he was downright rude, but his quietness meant that something was wrong. Maybe he had a problem? Maybe you’d manage to talk about it during your watch?

As the water heats up, you pull a blanket from your bag, already feeling the chill in the air. Even though the days were warm, nights were still a bit cold and you’d hate to get sick. You wouldn’t want to be a burden.

With two mugs of tea and a blanket you head to a spot Fili has chosen. He takes the mugs from you and you take a seat, making yourself as comfortable as you can on the ground. No matter how much used to it are you, it still takes some time before it feels at least manageable.

When you deem it’s well enough you reach your hands for your mug and Fili hands it to you. And despite not being tired and feeling rather fine, you still have a feeling that something is off. That by doing something, most likely unknowingly, you have wronged Fili and now he’s angry with you.

However, to be able to ask him about it, you need to wait until the rest of  the Company is asleep. Surely, somebody would eavesdrop and you don’t look forward to being teased about it.

You decide to sip on your drink until you’re sure that you can talk with no witnesses, apart from nocturnal animals. They wouldn’t tell, anyway.

The minutes pass and the silence between you and Fili becomes uncomfortable and so you risk a glance at him.

He’s looking forward, the drink neglected in his hands. He still appears to be somewhat upset and you feel your stomach turn. What have you done to make him feel so?

“Fili,” you call softly and he hums in acknowledgement.

“Are you mad at me?”

“No, Y/N.”

“You’re not laying, are you?”

“I wouldn’t lie to you.”

“Then why are you looking as if I did something terrible?”

“You didn’t.”

“Who did, then? Fili, what’s wrong?” you’re starting to feel desperate. You can’t guess what has happened, you can’t help him, and Fili doesn’t seem to be in a mood to talk.

“Nothing. I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not. I can see it,” you protest and only then Fili turns his eyes at you. There’s a gleam of an odd emotion in his eyes, something you can’t name.    

“It’s nothing you should worry about. Clearly, you have other things to think about than my moods,” he says bitterly and you knit your brows, surprised.

“Like what? My tales?”

“No, I’m sure you don’t think much about them. They seem to come out naturally.”

“They do, yes.”

“My uncle, however… that’s a whole different story, eh?”

“Y-your uncle?” you mumble, not really sure where this conversation is heading. What Fili saw between you and Thorin that made him upset?

“You don’t see it, do you? He’s so nice to you, so caring.”

“Fili, Thorin doesn’t-“

“Doesn’t what? Have feelings for you?”

His question catches you off guard and you almost drop your mug as you draw in a sharp inhale. What is he talking about? Thorin has been kind to you, yes, but there was nothing deep, nothing romantic about it. Why would it bother Fili?

Unless…

“Fili, are you jealous?”

“No, of course I’m not!” he scoffs and you fight away an urge to laugh out loud. He purses his lips and you try to figure out a way to reason him and let him know that is not Thorin you want.

“Fili, can I tell you a story?”

“Sure,” he shrugs and you clear your throat to suppress a chuckle.

“Once upon a time, there was a prince. He was brave and very handsome. He was an heir to the throne, however the throne was out of his reach because first, he had to set a quest to reclaim it. It was taken by an evil being, a powerful sorcerer.

The prince asked his most trusted friends to join him and with their company, he took off. The journey was taking weeks and during a stop in one of many villages on the road, the prince heard the most enchanting tales he has ever had a chance to listen to.

A young girl told them, entertaining the crowd in an inn. She had no home to call her own and, just like the prince, she was on a way to find her place. He offered her a place amongst his company, in exchange of a tale every evening. She said yes.

It did not take long before the storyteller realized that the prince made her feel in a certain way. She felt welcomed and safe. She wasn’t scared anymore because she knew the prince would protect her. She began to appreciate his company and the talks they had during night watches. Oddly enough, they often happened to be on a watch together, but she didn’t complain. Neither did he.”

Fili slowly shifts his gaze at you, his brows slightly raised. It seems that he begins to realize that the prince in your tale it’s not his uncle. It never has been his uncle.

“And so, the prince and the storyteller grew fond of each other, yet neither of them acted upon their feelings. The prince, because he mistook his friend’s kindness for affection towards the girl, and the storyteller because she didn’t think she was worthy of the prince.”

“Y/N, what are you saying?”

“The prince’s friend simply wished to bring the two together, not steal the storyteller for himself.”

“Oh, I was so foolish,” Fili pants and you notice a faint blush on his cheeks.

“A little, I must admit.”

“Will you forgive me? I didn’t mean to make you feel guilty, Y/N, I was thinking clearly. I saw Thorin and you chatting as if you were very close to each other and I lost my mind.”

“It’s all right, Fili, I understand that. And yes, you are forgiven.”

He smiles brightly at you, a smile you’ve grown to miss during those couple of days and you respond in kind, your cheeks almost hurting from how big your smile is.

“So, how the story ends? What about the prince and the storyteller?”

“Well, I believe it’s up to us how it will go on.”

“How about ‘the price finally built up the courage to confess his true feelings for the storyteller’?”

“And she confessed hers.”

“You make me so happy, Y/N. I can’t imagine my future without you.”

“You’ve had my heart the moment I saw you in that inn.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”

“I’m sorry I made you think that Thorin and I were something more than friends.”

“Let’s put in the past.”

“Agreed,” you nod and Fili sighs with relief.

“Would you give me your permission to braid your hair?”

“I would, but after you kiss me. I’ve imagined it so many times, I’m feeling very impatient now.”

“Oh, Y/N, gladly!” Fili whispers and moves his hands to tenderly cup your face. Your eyes flutter closed even before he begins to lean in, and when you feel the touch of his lips on yours you let out a small gasp.

It feels wonderful, so much better than you have imagined.    

And they lived happily ever after… crosses your mind as Fili tilts your head to deepen the kiss.    

[withered-pages-blog]

Liar 4/? (Tom Riddle Jr/Voldemort Imagine)

The sleep was next to none that night in the hospital wing. It was unbearably cold, dreary and somehow the moonlight seeping in through the windowpanes made it downright creepy. No, you did not sleep well at all.

Laying stiffly in your, bed watching the sun rise would have been soothing to anyone who got more than four hours of undisturbed sleep, but you were exhausted - glassy eyed and bitter about having to stay the night in the hospital wing at all.

You spent most of the night thinking about who had hexed you and why. There were a lot of people who disliked you but to your knowledge very few actually hated you enough to want to cause serious damage.

There was one person that came to mind, though. Who else? You’d taunted him one too many times and he’d had enough. Malfoy.

Frowning angrily, you palmed the sleep from your eyes and stood up to relieve yourself in a nearby restroom. The doors creaked open as you approached and as you slid through them you sighed, the pressure on your bladder releasing.

The sun was rising but it was still early and thankfully no one occupied the single bathroom to the right of the wing. You weren’t sure if it was for staff use or not and didn’t really stop to think about it, content with how the morning was going until you returned.

There, standing by the window nearest to your bed was Tom, hands tangled as always, eyes downcast in thought.

A long while passed before you moved, slowly backing up with light steps until you froze at the sound of his low voice.

“Let’s not,” he said, “I really don’t have time to indulge you today.” Your mouth hung open and you stared, he didn’t have time for you?

“Then why are you here, Riddle?” You snapped, all of your bitterness from the previous night returning in a flash. “Have you forgotten? Professor Dumbledore has asked me to escort you to all of your classes for the time being.”

You approached with heavy footsteps, ready to begin an argument when dark eyes raised to yours. Suddenly, you were stuck - wanting to shout when no words would come, wanting to raise fists when no muscles would move.

Tom’s eyes narrowed at you and then roamed over your body before turning away again. “Your robes,” he said, facing you with a neatly folded uniform in his arms.

Your eyes widened and you felt your heart rattle inside your chest angrily, “You went into my dorm? You went through my clothes?”

The ghost of a smirk revealed itself for a brief moment before the prefect spoke again, “Your dorm-mates didn’t seem to mind.”

Snatching your uniform and robes from him, you rolled your eyes. Of course they wouldn’t mind having Tom Riddle in their room, he was the most popular boy at Hogwarts. Pathetic.

“I’ll be back in a minute.” You muttered, swiftly returning to the restroom and grumbling to yourself as you dressed.

You hated how suddenly he seemed to stick to you, first detention and now this, it was just cruel. You wanted to be free of his seemingly constant presence more than anything and you’d do anything to get that relief.

Wrapping the green and silver fabric around your neck, you adjusted your white collar the best you could without a mirror, deciding it didn’t really matter. Gripping the doorknob, you hesitated - you really didn’t want to spend any more unnecessary time with Tom. You needed to tell Dumbledore that you knew who the culprit behind the hex was. The sooner you did that, the sooner Riddle would be out of your sight.

Twisting the knob, you sighed softly, anxiety diminishing at the plan you’d mapped out. Riddle was standing by the entrance to the hospital wing seemingly uninterested when you returned. You folded your arms and raised your brows at him, “So, what now? Bit early for classes yet.”

The brunette hummed in agreement, “You remember your schedule?” Scoffing and turning your back, you were about to storm off when you finally noticed - your eyes shooting to abnormally bare feet. “My shoes.”

A blush crept up your neck and stained your face at the realization. You were not about to walk bare-footed through the castle in front of dozens of students. “I have to go to my dorm.” You panicked, “In a hurry?” Tom asked innocently.

Not even dignifying him with a response you began your journey from the hospital wing to the Slytherin common room. You walked in awkward silence with Riddle and each minute that passed only intensified your discomfort. Skipping two steps at a time you repeated the password and rushed into the common room, ignoring the few odd looks you received.

“Wait here.” You muttered, making your way up the spiral staircase and into your dorm, glaring at your all too inviting bed. Sighing, you reached beneath it to retrieve your shoes, grabbing a pair of black socks from your bed-side table and slipping them on.

A single mirror stood between the two beds at the far end of your room and as you approached, you noticed just how awful you looked. Eyes red, sunken and circled with dark purple bags, lips chapped and dry from dehydration and skin abnormally pale with a sickly yellow tinge. No wonder you were made to stay the night in the medical bay.

Straightening out your appearance, you turned and took already settled books from your small dresser and returned to the common room which was now swarming with students of every year. Not even glancing in Riddle’s direction, you passed him, trying to shut out the quizzical stares of the students who had realized Tom was walking with you, completely at a loss as to why he’d ever waste any time or attention on you.

“I have Transfiguration this morning,” you began, double-checking your books, parchments and quill. “After that I have Care of Magical Creatures,” you drawled, noting your textbook Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. Tom didn’t seem interested in your classes but he nodded politely, walking high along side you. “We have Potions after that and then I have - ”

“We?” Riddle’s eyes narrowed at you, “I’m in advanced Potions with Professor Slughorn.” You pinched the bridge of your nose, “Yes, Tom, we. I’m in the same class.” Brows raised, the prefect clicked his tongue. “I never noticed.”

Grumbling under your breath, the two of you weaved through the crowd and into the Great Hall where breakfast was to be served. Carefully sliding your books into your satchel you gazed from your usual spot at the end of the table to the head, a sense of longing swelling within you. “Riddle,” you reached out, gripping the back of his robes as he passed you, “Let me sit with you.”

The prefect looked almost offended by your touch and you quickly flinched away from his cold eyes. “Why would I do that?” Heart beating furiously, you struggled to meet his gaze. “I-I..” He leaned in closely to you then, thick locks brushing your cheek.

“Don’t think that because I’m helping you that I must care. You’re still just as filthy as you’ve always been, Y/N.” You felt shattered as Tom turned his back to you, walking away like he hadn’t just spoken the most cruel words you’d ever had the displeasure of hearing.

You felt as if the spirit within you had been torn right from your chest by unforgiving hands. Falling into your seat, everything blurred. How could this hurt so much? You didn’t even like Tom - his opinion of you meant nothing. So why? Why did you want to break down in tears like a child denied a luxurious new plaything?

The soft tickle of fur between your legs offered comfort to you after half an hour of sitting silently, attempting to comprehend what Riddle had said to you. Soft yellow eyes gazed at you from beneath the table and a sad smile found your lips. Every student was welcome to bring one animal companion of their choosing and yours was special. Cupping your feline friend’s silky face, you picked her up and tickled the back of her pointy ears affectionately.

You remembered the day you received her, a tiny hairless creature with oversized ears that whined for attention as soon as she knew she was yours. A strange man had given her to your father for reasons unknown and despite warnings of how dangerous the strange, cat-like species was known to be, you fell in love instantly. Her name was Aradia.

“Is that a rat?” A shrill voice screeched and both you and your four-legged friend jumped, her dark coat puffing up at the sight of the dreadfully obnoxious Olive Hornby. “Get your eyes checked, blondie.” You snapped, turning away from the smirking girl as she made her way out of the Great Hall, laughing all the way.

Mimicking her bitterly, you let your head fall into your hands as the last of the students filed out of the enormous hall to their classes, leaving you behind. Aradia crawled from her place on your lap and nuzzled into your side, purring.

“Y/N, is something the matter?” A calm voice asked from behind your hunched back. “No, sir. I was just lea - ”

“We were just leaving, Professor.” Your heart dropped into your stomach and you bit back tears. “Ah, I see,” Dumbledore responded softly, “I trust you’ll be taking Y/N to all of their classes and extra-curricular activities, Tom?” The prefect nodded politely and you willed yourself to raise your head and then your entire body, standing and gathering your satchel.

You didn’t meet either man’s eyes in fear they’d see just how upset you were. You’d rather die than let Riddle know that anything he said had any effect on you at all.

“Let’s be off then, Y/N. Transfiguration first, correct?” You’d have been almost flattered by his memory had he not completely obliterated any growing normalcy you were beginning to feel toward him.

“That’s right. Excuse us, Professor.” You smiled weakly at the inquisitive man and as your eyes met, you felt he knew. He knew something wasn’t quite right, and his eyes told you that.

You turned away, leaving Aradia and Dumbledore in the Great Hall in silence - though for a moment you swore you heard the man speak softly in a language you couldn’t quite understand.

The walk to your classroom was silent and neither you nor Tom spoke of your previous conversation. You didn’t speak at all. “I’ll wait for you outside the classroom to take you to your - ” You raised your hand and silenced the tall boy. “Don’t bother. I’ve got a pretty good idea of who hexed me and I’m planning on talking to Professor Dumbledore after class.”

“I was given very strict instructions.” Tom reminded you impatiently, “I don’t care. I don’t want to even be near you, Riddle. You have the audacity to call me filthy and expect me to just let it go?”

Your eyes grew wide and your fists clenched, “I didn’t ask to sit with you because I want to fall at your feet like everyone else in our house. I just didn’t want to get hexed again - which by the way I think I’d prefer now that I know just how revolting you really are.” With that, you stormed into your classroom and left Tom to watch you distastefully.

He didn’t care what you thought of him and it was pathetic that you thought he did. He wouldn’t have ever given you a second glance had he not needed to earn the Headmaster’s favor, now more than ever.

Had Tom found anyone else wandering the castle during dinner, he’d have manipulated the situation to his benefit as he did with you. It was pure chance that it was your silhouette he caught turning a corner that night, just like it was pure chance that it was you he’d found crumpled unconscious on the ground the night before.

Tom couldn’t care any less about you, and he reminded himself of that when he ordered a passing Hufflepuff girl with twin pigtails to fetch the matron immediately.

He reminded himself that even when he carried you himself to the hospital wing and remained there well into the night that this was all so that he could stand in a bright light, be seen as a hero to the suspicious Dumbledore.

Tom Riddle reminded himself again as he left for his own class that he didn’t care about you.

[why-animals-do-the-thing]

Submission: Two days ago, April 30th 2017, I lost a member of my family. His name was OJ / OG Joe, and he was our baby. He’s was the youngest of our current cats, only 2 years. He would’ve been three in June. He was an indoor-outdoor cat, and he’s only had a collar and chip for around half a year. He was a sweetheart. A lover, always wanting pets. He was playful, but never hurt anyone. When he bit you, it was grazing. The hardest he ever did was just pressure, never enough to puncture. He loved having his head pulled back so you could rub his neck and head. He’d headbutt you and purr forever. He was soft, and the fur between his thighs was thinner than the rest and it was the softest. He loved belly rubs.

He wasn’t always an angel; he could be downright obnoxious if you needed to take him somewhere, or if he accidentally got outside before it was night. We only ever let them out at night, and they’d be in by morning. It was routine. Him and his older “brother” Milo, who was much more adventurous and wild. Sometimes we might not see Milo for a day at a time, but he always comes back. OJ would always be around, however.

Until now.

We thought he was smart. Thought he was safe; for the most part, that would be correct. He was a very smart cat. He’d always watch and wait for cars to pass before running across, but I’d always be terrified. The cars on my street always go so fast… most well over the speed limit. This street has claimed 2 of my mother’s cats before, Rocky and Tiger. Rocky, the sweetest old black cat you’d ever know, died in my mother’s arms the 3rd week of my 4th grade. I went to school and broke down crying in the lines we’d make before going to class. We never found Tiger; a friend said she saw an orange tabby in the gutter, and that was enough. Chili, a white male who’d had his ears docked to holes because of sun cancer, died at the grand age of 20 in his sleep.

The street we’re on isn’t the only danger, as my cat Tinkerbell’s daughter was either killed, or stolen, a day before we returned home from my 18th birthday in Mexico. She was a beautiful black tabby with piercing, light green eyes- I’d never seen anything like her before, nor do I think I will ever again. She was sweet, and feisty, and so much bigger than her mom it was a hilarious. As we never found her body, and she never was one to cross the street, and given her unique appearance and overall trusting demeanor… I do think someone snatched her up. We had no chips, no collars. It’s how we’d always done things.

Blackie had two twin brothers, both white with gray splotches, and both were given to a family friend who lived out in the country. They were indoor-outdoor cats, and they’d never had any problems before. Then one went missing. Coyotes, most likely. Car. Who knows. The second? I’m not sure, but I haven’t heard anything about him since so it’s not hard to guess he shared the same fate.

What I’m saying in this long-winded, very personal rambling of mine is… please, please keep your cats inside. For their safety, and for your sanity. If you truly love your animals, don’t carelessly allow them to possibly dance with death on a daily basis. You may think they’re smart, or that it’s safe, or that it would never happen to you… but it can. It does. It will. It happened to me. OJ had just come inside after we’d gone to the store, he’d eaten, and he got out through a window I was opening in my room.

I didn’t think anything of it. I never did. Why should I? Nothing had happened so far. Not 10 minutes later, I noticed a group of 3 people outside that window. Then a knock on the door, and a crying woman asking… if the little orange cat was ours. He’d been seen downtown before, he wanders, so people might call the number on his collar to be sure… but this wasn’t that. She was crying. I knew. I think my mom knew too, going by her voice. 

They’d placed his body on our lawn. He looked like he was asleep, like he was laying on my bed in the sun like he always does. But he wasn’t. He was gone. Gone quickly, without suffering. He’d been hit in the head. Hit so hard and fast it dented the bell on his collar, scuffed the fabric. 

You think it won’t happen to you. But it can. All it takes is one mistake, one car that’s speeding and comes out of nowhere before your baby has time to react- and that’s what they are, babies. Children. Would you let your child run around outside unsupervised? Of course not.

Please take something away from this. I sit here crying, wondering what could’ve been if I hadn’t opened that window. If I hadn’t left my room for a few seconds to grab a smaller screen. If I hadn’t let him go without a fight. I’m always going to blame myself, and nothing anyone says is going to change that. I lost my baby, OG Joe.

Please. Please keep your cats inside. Leash train them if they cry, if they’re “outdoor” cats. Please don’t let them end up like my sweet baby did. Please.

I don’t like posting things that are this sad, but sometimes I think it takes a dose of reality for people to become aware of how much risk their beloved cats are at when allowed to roam outdoors.

[krissucanwrite]

Persona 5 is  a beautiful game with a lot of flaws.

This review of Persona 5 might contain spoilers for the game.

Have you ever been excited for the release of a game? What if that game was the next in a series that contained your favourite game of all time? What if that game got released in Japan almost a year before you had your hands on it? Would your excitement for it die? Or would that just make you more excited?

This was Persona 5 for me.

Persona 4 Golden is my favourite game of all time. To me, it’s perfect in every way. The characters are lovable, the story is fantastic, the music is stellar, and the setting was quaint. It felt like I was returning to a familiar town that I’d been to before. The characters became best friends that I looked forward to seeing each day. There was a true sense of excitement every time a new day rolled over. “Who should I social link with today? What adventures are we going to have? Where will we end up?”

Needless to say, Persona 5 had some big shoes to fill.

First, I’ll talk about everything I love about the game. The visuals are STUNNING. Because they’re so stylised, I’m willing to be they’ll hold up really well in the future. The contrast of reds and blacks and the way colour is used is brilliant. All the in game models, save for one, look flawless. The only model I have an issue with is Ryuji’s, and it’s simply because his eyes look too far apart. One out of dozens is not bad though, and overall, this game has the strongest visuals of any game I’ve ever played.

The soundtrack is pretty solid. Most of the music fits the situations you’re in. My favourite track is the one that plays during exams. Such intense music is really fitting since, even in the world of Persona, exams are a huge deal. I also love “The Days When My Mother Was There” and “Layer Cake.” These three tracks in particular really stood out to me. 

Speaking of Palaces, one of them was really well done. Futabas Palace. It connected with me so hard that once I was done the Palace, I cried harder than I ever have. It’s all about helping a little girl who’s trapped in her own mind. She can’t escape. She’s blaming herself for the death of her mother, and she doesn’t understand how to deal with what she’s feeling. This palace was constructed flawlessly. Every aspect of it was perfect, from the fact she saw it as a tomb to the music to the desert atmosphere. It’s probably my favourite dungeon in all of Persona.

Most of the characters are great, and even though I don’t think they’re as deep as the cast from Persona 4, they still work for the story. I think that the main cast, for the most part, is weaker than the Persona 4 crew, but the side social links were executed better. For example, I really loved Hifumi, the shogi player, and her social link. It was memorable, Hifumi had a great design, and her personality was unique. I also loved Tae, the doctor, and her social link. Even Sojiro ended up having a fantastic social link, and his interactions with the player are great.

The game plays smoothly and I really love the ambush system. The animations for each party member are slightly different and unique, and I really like them all. They took the system in Persona 4, which worked really well, and polished it. Fighting was a joy. The only issue with game play I had was the camera not behaving in certain sections of some dungeons. The issues were few and far between though, and overall the game was a delight in terms of playability.

However, as with all things, there are some problems with Persona 5, and they really stand out to me.

First, let’s talk about the other Palaces. Even though Futaba had a fantastic Palace, I still think most of the dungeons in the game were boring, bland, forgettable, or downright frustrating. The first Palace you do is long, annoying, and visually uninteresting. Madarame’s dungeon is visually boring, and quite annoying because of the security lasers. It goes on like that, and I personally think that even though they hit a great high with Futabas palace and the themes they explore, it doesn’t quite hit the same high again. 

The worst offender, however, is Shido’s palace. This place takes the form of a ship, which is not terrible. It’s slightly boring inside, but not awful. What makes the dungeon awful is the mechanic they introduce. For almost every hallway you have to go through from one area to the next, you’ll pass by statues. These statues turn the party into rats.

No, I’m not joking.

When this happens, be prepared for 20 minutes of avoiding shadows (you can’t fight as a rat), going through air vents that aren’t really obviously placed for the player to find, and being annoyed because you know this isn’t the last time this mechanic is going to be used. There’s one section in particular where you literally leave one set of hallways only to enter ANOTHER set of hallways right after it that use this mechanic. It took me nearly an hour to get through this part. It’s terrible. There’s no other word for this mechanic, and I hate it.

Another huge problem I have with the game is that all the BIG TWISTS are telegraphed so easily. I remember being in that TV studio for the first time and having Akechi talk to me, talking about pancakes, and thinking “Huh, he must be in the metaverse too, so he’s gotta be the one behind the shutdowns.” Lo and behold, there he was. I remember thinking “Huh, they keep telegraphing how important the metaverse is, I bet it’s a really important dungeon later on.” That’s what happens. “Man they keep showing this bald dude, I bet he’s a boss later on. He’s totally super important.” Shido turns out to be one of the most important bosses.

I’m not saying you should NEVER telegraph your twists. In Persona 4, the twist is telegraphed, but in such a way that, unless you were REALLY paying attention, you wouldn’t pick up on it on your first play through. Everything about Persona 5 is so easily predicted, and that’s my problem. When the twists are revealed, they’re posed as big shockers, when in reality, I’d guessed them HOURS before.

Even though I think the OST was pretty darn good, after a while, a lot of the music felt kinda samey. It was still GOOD, but they all blend together in the end. There’s a lot of funk, a lot of songs with similar sounding vocals. A lot of the same, over and over again. Listening to the tracks on their own feels great. The music outside of the context of the game is a fantastic album. Playing for 10 hours and listening to the music back to back, though, makes everything melt together. Persona 4 didn’t have this problem. Each track stood on its own, outside of the game AND in the context of the game itself.

I think one of my biggest problems with the game, however, is the main cast of characters. Some of them are great. Futaba felt fresh and new and well developed. Yusuke was funny and entertaining and made me laugh consistently through my journey. Haru, though quite bland at times, was charming and the balance the team needed in terms of personality. However, others are quite disappointing.

Ann is very one dimensional and flat. She’s a one note character, and even though I do like her, she’s rather forgettable in my opinion. She doesn’t have the humour or charm that Yusuke has, so she ends up being flat and bland. A character I could see in any JRPG. That’s a little disappointing considering she was the first party member we meet.

Ryuji is loud, obnoxious, annoying, and stupid. I was constantly infuriated with how idiotic and moronic he was. His character didn’t change much throughout the story either, so he was annoying and stupid for over 100 hours of gameplay. I know some people think he’s funny, but the whole “HEY EVERYONE WE’RE THE PHANTOM THIEVES” bit really made me angry. At the end, I truly disliked him.

Another character that was very annoying was Morgana. The character himself wasn’t TOO bad. It was weird how badly he wanted Ann, and some of the phrases he used rubbed me the wrong way. (Like being highly possessive over Ann, using phrases that made it sound like she was HIS and like she was a prize to be won) The biggest problem with Morgana though was the fact he forces you to go to sleep SO. OFTEN. In Persona 4, every time you go to sleep, it’s YOUR decision to sleep. “I’m feeling tired today, I should go to bed.” To me, there’s a HUGE difference between that and “Hey don’t you feel tired????? You should sleep early tonight!” In a game about time management, where every second is important, it stressed me so bad whenever Morgana would force me to go to sleep.

So, after all that, what do I think of Persona 5? Well, it was very hard not to go into this game with high expectations. Persona 4 Golden is my favourite game of all time. I was hoping for a game that took everything that made Persona 4 great and amplified it. Did that happen? Yes and no. The gameplay is a step up from Persona 4. The visuals are STUNNING. The side characters have much better social links. I think, though, the game falls flat on its face in terms of main characters and story focus. The game dragged in a lot of places, and I honestly felt like it could have been a 75-hour game instead of a 100-hour game. When I put the controller down, I wasn’t jumping to come back and play. Instead, I was content to wait a day or two. It didn’t grab me nearly as much as I had hoped.

Is it my fault for going in with such high expectations? Should I have dampened what I wanted in the game, and gone in hoping for nothing? Who knows.

Everything said I did enjoy this game. In terms of JRPG’s, it’s actually pretty good. And I think if you’d never played another game in the Persona series, you’d really enjoy it! I don’t feel bad about the time I’ve spent with it, despite all the flaws the game has. It will be interesting to see how I feel on a New Game + run.

If you’re going in thinking this will be as good, or better, than Persona 4, you might be disappointed. It’s still worth your time, though. If you go in wanting some very pretty, well-executed game play with some awesome side characters, I think you’ll be able to enjoy it. If you want a diverse, deep cast of main characters with a fantastic main story, stick to Persona 4.

[perfectackeracy]

Attack on Titan, Season 2, First episode review

(WARNING: I’m one week late and I’m aware of this fact. I just didn’t expect the analysis of the opening and the ending to be this long.)

It’s been four years...

And they’ve only announced 12 episodes. 

To be frank, considering the messed up agenda, it’s not that bad. It’s better than having a completely rushed second cour with reused scenes. Remember the mess episodes 22 to 25 were? Yeah I’d rather not have that again.

Considering the openings and the endings, I’ve written a word here. I was planning to do it in the same post but there was useful notes that could foreshadow what was going to happen in this season and later in the manga. I thought therefore it deserved a post of its own.

After a short recap, the episode starts with the capture of Annie.

Annie being taken into custody - Ep. 26

This scene makes me think of the forensics taking a dead body, which implies this might be indeed the last thing we see of her.

The episode then hooks the ending of S1 with the events from chapter 34, with Pastor Nick from last season telling Hange to cover the Wall Titan, before going on with the episode titled The Beast Titan. The opening has been very dynamic, as expected from Linked Horizon. We’re holding our next earworm here.

From what I’ve seen so far, this season does have improved graphics over the first one: character faces drawn correctly, Erwin’s nose being right, Reiner and Bertolt getting beefier, more CG animations added, with titans and horses, which is a nice touch since it doesn’t go into Berserk 2016′s levels of obnoxiousness, to the point of making the animation awkward. There’s still the gross lipstick effect on female characters...

They added an extra Erwin scene, where he indeed expressed his lack of surprise concerning titans inside the walls. Him thinking it might have been possible stays consistent with his character.

They also added a different Hitch and Marlowe scene where both express how all these people died without reason. Needless to say, it’s very different from what the manga had to offer and almost feels... a bit empty.

Hitch and Marlowe’s scene in the manga - Ch. 34

Empty because it seems to happen after Googles took control of the situation, yet it would’ve been nice to see the two of them worrying about Annie, to see at least they care and her being off is a tad suspicious.

The next scene is the famous scene were Hange makes Nick talk. Another segment from the manga was excluded because the civilians did witness the Wall Titan, both in this episode and in the opening. So there was no point in adding it. Kudos to Romi Park’s performance for breathing life into Hange’s character. That scene was tense... however.

I can accept tiny bits being scraped to condense the episode to fit half a volume in it but I’m less forgiving with scraping tiny bits of dialogue that makes even a secondary character relatable. In this scene. While the anime did a good job at making Nick’s faith invulnerable to threats it omitted one of my favourite passages:

Pastor Nick’s backstory - Ch. 34

It was what made Nick human: he had no family left and sunk into alcohol as a result, and faith is the only thing that saved him from his crisis. So instead of a fervent pastor who found a new lifestyle, the anime makes him sound like a crazy fanatic.

His hairstyle is a bit different, not that I mind.

It was also one of the rare, but not unique moment where Hange was downright serious and scary, to the point not even Moblit’s word manages to resonate with them.

Next scene is the garrison member (instead of Thomas, or it’s him but he changed branches or something) rushing to warn Erwin, followed by a neat rewind effect to where the next events are going to unfold.

Shot of Rico and the wonderful Rogue Titan smashing the Female Titan - Ep. 26

As you can see, one screencap that implies the involvement of the Garrison and the other that’s... placed to fit the timeline at which these events happened. Not a bad move. The animation quality however...

Nice to see the apparition of these titans within Wall Rose coincides with Annie and Eren’s fight. There must be something fishy underneath this...

In the past, we have the whole sequence with everybody on standby, till titans appear. We’ve got a nice pack of people isolated to find who has been the conspirator, starring Connie and Sasha slacking, Reiner and Bertolt playing chess with a nice animation, Ymir and Krista discussing next to a table. As Sasha and Mike detect incoming titans with their sixth sense, the episode closes chapter in 10 minutes, opening included, leaving 13 minutes for chapter 35, the ending and the preview.

We’re seeing Nanaba hoping next to the window, looking as beautiful as ever, telling everybody to prepare themselves to rush within Wall Rose’s interior. Some parts have been deliberately scraped as to why members of the 104th have been isolated.

The CG animation - Ep. 1

That’s a pretty one I admit, with the previous preparations from each SL cadet. Too bad they scraped parts as to why these people were retained, which fleshed a sympathetic side to Nanaba’s character.

Nanaba feeling bad for the 104th - Ch. 35

This is the same case as Nick. Even if the reason had to be hidden, that passage could’ve been at least included for further implications.

I loved the break between the moment the titan appeared and the one where it suddenly started running towards the formation. The forte of this episode was without doubt a good action combined to excellent music. Good thing to kick off a 4-year long waiting.

I’m curious about who dubs Gelgar, as well. This part of the chapter ends on Mike in action before going on something completely different... A scene that wasn’t supposed to appear now. Aside from the Eren and Mikasa moment that was mostly added as an extra scene it doesn’t really serve a purpose now. I’ll take it as a foreshadowing for later.

No offense but Eren’s kind of a dick in this scene though. Telling Mikasa to buy another scarf when it was her only memento. Not cool.

Next is an eruri scene kinda similar to the one added much later that lasted a couple of seconds and it was mostly talking about Mike’s situation and that small hope he’ll make it out alive.

But since we’re following the manga and the episode has to end on chapter 35...

We’re introduced to that weird titan that enjoys taking a walk.

First shot of the Beast Titan - Ep. 1

Who also grabs Mike’s horse, abuses it while strangling him and aims for its owner a couple of seconds later.

And who can also talk.

Note: in the manga it looked like he wiped his hand from the midget titan’s blood, but in this episode he waits for it to evaporate, completely unfazed.

That scene is absolutely terrifying. I’ll remind everybody that Mike was supposed to be second compared to Levi as a SL member and he was completely terrified as that titan was stealing his 3DMG, with no horse, his legs broken and four titans surrounding him.

But Mike was someone filled with hope.

Mike screaming - Ep. 1

As long as the fight was going on, nothing was lost. But the Beast Titan, being a troll but not on purpose, sends the surrounding titans to devour Mike. 

And this roar of fight became a cry of despair as Mike’s life ended with titans tearing him apart. Thanks a lot Kenta Miyake for the power put in Mike’s voice. Congratulations, seriously. The visuals made it worse.

And this first episode ends on an ominous ending. That was a nice kick to every SnK watcher to put us in the mood again. I forgot how much I liked this arc and waited so long for it to be animated.

[blackboard-monitor]

Heavenbound - Prologue

Here goes, I guess. The prologue of Heavenbound, by yours truly. Let me know how frequently you’d like me to post these. Also I haven’t read any of this myself in a year so I don’t know how terrible it is. 

PROLOGUE – THE MAKING OF A MISTAKE    

 Upon his inauguration as president of Heaven, Aslem Soleil called on the Council and requested the legislation of a new law. When cautiously asked what kind of law, he waved his hand vaguely and told them, something traditional, with a strong historical precedence, like what I talked about in my campaign, you know? And the Council nodded empathically; yes, Mr. President, of course Mr. President, one can’t ignore the importance of tradition, Mr. President.

And so, in search of a suitable precedent, the Council made a field trip into the depths of the Celestial Archives, under the scornful stare of Ember Stone, the Librarian.

They emerged with a tale so ancient it was written on animal skins in glyphs which to the four ministers were indecipherable. Not that they got a very close look, as the Librarian would allow none but herself to lay hands on the manuscript. Therefore she soon found herself at the preliminary legislative meeting, reading out the story to the fresh president Soleil and his Council.

It was a very high-level meeting, of course, but that was not why Ember Stone found herself grinding her teeth and tapping her foot. Appearing before the president and Council didn’t worry her, because as far as she was concerned, they were a bunch of idiots. She was older than everyone else in the room, especially the president, who was so green she half expected leaves to start sprouting out of his ears. Ember, on the other hand, had lived nine decades, and of her days in Heaven she had long since lost count. Of course in Heaven anyone could walk around looking like they just turned twenty-five, but Ember preferred to let her years show on her face.

The four Council members, ogling at her like cows at a new barn, had a different approach. They were the kind of people who’d barely been in Heaven for a week and still found it necessary to change their appearance, age, gender and sometimes even species on a regular basis, just because they could. A practice which, to Ember, was shallow and obnoxious, if not downright moronic.

Yes, they clearly weren’t the brightest bunch. The fact that they meant well was not much of a solace; in fact most of the time it just made matters worse. They insisted on legislating a new law just for the sake of having a new law. Good PR, the president’s assistant had told her. Ember didn’t see the point. She was of the opinion that laws were not for fun. Yet now she had to take part in legislating this joke. It made no sense, was potentially dangerous and she had an overall bad feeling about it.

The minister of justice was looking at Ember expectantly. She gave an impatient little cough.

Ember sighed. Then, taking her time, she pulled on her gloves and unrolled the scroll very, very carefully. She looked up at her audience.

‘This is the story of Anima Zephi, as told by the Fifth Librarian. My predecessor has –‘

‘Wait a second,’ said president Soleil, ‘did you say the Fifth?’

‘Yes,’ Ember replied drily. She had expected to get a little further than a sentence and a half before being interrupted. Even so, she suppressed the urge to roll her eyes. She may not have thought much of him, but she didn’t really want to get on the wrong side of this new president, either. It would have been all too easy for him to replace her with some oaf who didn’t know the first thing about books.

‘But that was ages and ages ago! You’re like the… twentieth Librarian!’ Soleil exclaimed.

‘Sixteenth, sir,’ Ember corrected as politely as she could. ‘You did want something historical,’ she added.

‘I did. Carry on.’

‘I will proceed to freely translate to you the account that my predecessor has filed.’

Ember licked her lips and drew a deep breath.

‘”Anima Zephi was a young mother with an infant son, of whose father there is no record. Zephi was killed in an accident involving an inter-dimension bandit and a cargo of bananas. When Zephi’s angel came to collect her, she refused to leave her son and hid until said angel eventually gave up and left.

Zephi spent years tracking down her killer. Eventually, she found the man and took his life. Once she had had her vengeance, Zephi found her way to Heaven on her own and settled to spend the rest of eternity here. However--.”

‘The remainder of the text is missing. There may have been a second scroll that was misplaced, most likely during the reign of Reltih,’ Ember concluded.

She lowered the manuscript and let her gaze circle the room. The Council members seemed mostly bored. All but the minister of justice, who was eyeing Soleil like an overly enthusiastic puppy, eager for acceptance and fearful of rejection. Ember turned to the president as well. There was a look of deep concentration on the man’s face.

‘It is a very intriguing tale, to be sure,’ Soleil said after a while. ‘What are we to take from this?’

The minister of justice jumped to her feet like a jack-in-a-box. She waved her hand at Ember dismissively, indicating that it was time for her to leave. Of course, the Librarian did no such thing, but instead pulled a seat in the corner by the door. She’d be damned if she didn’t try to find out where this was going, at least.

The minister shot Ember a disapproving look, but began her proposal nonetheless.

‘The law we propose,’ she began, ‘is one concerning the transportation of souls into Heaven. At the moment, sending angels of death to fetch each and every soul and bring them here requires a complex and difficult-to-manage system that is often straining on our resources. Therefore we propose that any souls who have suffered a violent death would be allowed the choice of avenging their death and then making their way here by their own means.’

The minister gave the president a radiant smile and sat down to await his response. Following her gaze, Ember, who rarely found it necessary to pay much attention to people, suddenly understood why everyone was constantly flocking around Soleil like he was the greatest thing since the printing press. It wasn’t his astonishing political prowess or razor sharp wit that people were drawn to. In fact, if he possessed either of those traits, he must have kept them locked in a drawer at home. No, Heaven was simply mesmerized by his effortless charm and radiant appearance. President or not, he was like the very image of a king, loved by all. Something about his person that called for obedience and respect. Which could very easily lead to trouble, thought Ember.

‘I’m not sure…’ Soleil was saying hesitantly. ‘Carrying souls from the living world is our task, one which we shouldn’t try avoid. I don’t think that should send the right kind of message. Giving this option to everyone who has died a violent death seems a little excessive to me, especially with war raging in so many realities.’

Ember smiled drily to herself. Maybe there was a chance this pretty boy president had some common sense after all. If he refused the bill, maybe the Council would have to come up with something else, something that actually served a purpose.

‘We do have a second option, sir,’ said the minister of justice.

‘What would that be?’

‘We could grant the opportunity of choice only to those who have been slain by a person from another dimesion, sir. It is far more rare, and those cases can be tricky.’

‘How often do those occur?’ asked Soleil.

‘Only once in a blue moon, sir. It would be a perfect chance to decrease our workload without causing any trouble.’

Ember frowned. It seemed to her that if the cases were tricky, they should be handled with particular care, not left in the hands of the poor murdered souls. Unfortunately politicians, as she had often noticed, were particularly good at not seeing things they didn’t want to see. Ember wasn’t a politician, and she saw trouble in that bill.

Soleil smiled.

‘That seems like an excellent idea, Minister. You have my thanks. Turn that into a bill and I will sign it first thing in the morning,’ he said, ‘and make it so that there’s no choice involved. That would be a little messy and would make me look indecisive.’

‘Consider it done, sir,’ said the minister. She was beaming.

Idiot, Ember thought, he complimented your work, not you. Get a hold of yourself, woman.

The president rose, and the Council stood with him.

‘The matter is settled then. Have a fantastic day,’ said Soleil as a dismissal.

The Council filed out of the room, followed by the president.

Ember was left sitting in the corner, her presence already forgotten, like she had become a part of the wallpaper. She sat there quite a while, deep in thought, before returning to her library.

The next day president Aslem Soleil signed the bill, which was named the Zephi Act and included in the monstrously big leather-bound book that contained The Laws of the Deceased. Ember wrote down the words herself, as was her duty.

Had she known what was missing from the story, had she not presented it to the Council, had she not written down those words, things could have turned out very differently. But a year later, when Ember stumbled across the missing scroll between the cushions of a sofa in the deepest reaches of the library, it was too late. She tried to patch it up, and have the law revoked, but the damage had been done. There was no going back.