#& i forgive you for that i do & we both led weird distant separate lives for awhile but i never forgot you it was written in every text

[angelmothergod]

all i am is all i ever was & all i ever was, was yours.

[thorndale-industries]

☯ + Gillian's childhood days

//Turned out to be my longest drabble/fic so far with around 13k characters and 2500 words. So be warned.

“Come on, hold still for a moment.”

“It’s tootight.” Gillian squinched up her face in disapproval, as she placedher right pointer finger between the grey collar and her neck- frustratedly trying to ease the navy blue bow-tie. She feltlike a slipknot has been placed around her neck, ready to be broughtto the hangman.

“I know, andI want to fix it. Why do you always tie them so tight? Didn’tFaulke teach you how to do it properly?”

“He did.”The oddly coloured eyes of the 11-year girl wandered to theelaborately painted and decorated ceiling and avoided to look intoher father’s face, afraid she disappointed him again. Sometimes shesaw a deep ocean in his eyes. Beautiful, fascinating, calming. andyet it manages to hide its true horrors. She always feltuncomfortable at the ocean. “I just.. don’t want to be here. C–Can’t we just head home? I bet Rufus feels lonely.”  

A soft chuckleescaped between his thin lips as he finally managed to correct theknot around the girl’s neck -  relieved, she sighed quietly toherself. “That bad huh? It’s just two hours, Gillian. And Itold the others that we are going back home after the show. I won’taccompany them to the after-show party.” Thomas turned her paleface to himself, an encouraging smile bent the neatly trimmedblond beard. “ And I am sure Faulke is taking good care of theRottweiler. Maybe we find some time to stop by somewhere to get somesnacks, what do you say?” A soft clap on her shoulder, and shesmiled back shyly and hesitantly. “Yes, that would benice”.  

Her shaking eyes moved to the ground, pretending to desperately looking for something. A promise for some chicken nuggetswouldn’t ease the pain she felt being here. It felt and wrongstanding in this centuries old theatre -  an unknown power seemsto lean on her shoulders, crushing her young and fragile body underits enormous weight. Everyone was staring at her, expecting somethingshe wasn’t aware of, a test she didn’t even knew of. Every timeshe looked into their eyes, strangers all of them, she felt likebeing thrown in front of a jury - judged by every single move. 

A woman in a lavish red dress with a sumptuous golden pattern passed by them andthe loud noise her heels made with every step made Gillian flinch,they were way too loud for her sensitive ears. Even after themysterious creature was already around the corner, nothing but ashadow, the girl could hear the echoes of wood knocking on wood in airregular rhythm. The distant and muffled noise of different voicesmerging into one unrecognisable mess - whispers of so many irrelevantlives - started to reach an oppressive level. Like a monster creepingtowards her, breathing down her neck, proclaiming its menacingpresence. It was unbearable and she squinted her eyes in pain anddiscomfort, covering her exposed ears with her little hands. Pressingso hard a stinging pain made her temples pulsate. Now she was sure.She must have done something bad and this was her punishment. Maybe,when she just thought about something nice, they all would be gone…

“Iseverything alright, Curie?” Thomas turned her head again, with bothof his hands, so she couldn’t look away this time. Firmly, butgently, he took her hands down. His face displayed genuine concern ashe saw his daughter’s miserable expression. “It’s so..loudhere, pa. Too loud. I want it to stop. And why.. are you alwayscalling me that?” Gillian’s voice was shaking as her eyes startedto tear up. His soft thumb rubbed over her red cheeks - blushingout of embarrassment. 

“It will stopsoon, I promise. The show is about to start in 10 minutes and then”,he snipped with his right hand which left her heated face, as he wastrying to control his surroundings like a magician “there will benothing left but beautiful music. I promise you that.” Anothersmile, another gentle clap on her shoulder. “Come one, let’sgo to our seats. We don’t want the others to wait for us, right? Iwill tell you on the way why I call you Curie. And don’t worry, Iam not senile enough to forget your name, Gillian”. Therewas a weird emphasis on her name and the little girl noticed theshift in his tone, but she couldn’t quite grasp it. She justnodded obediently, snivelling, and grabbed her father’s calmhand with her trembling one, hoping it all will end sooner when sheplayed along.

“There was ascientist named Marie Curie”, the CEO of Thorndale Industriesstarted to clarify, as his thick posh British accent filled thehallway as they walked down. Gillian always wondered why he alwaysput so much value on her learning Welsh as a second language but alsotried his best that she didn’t have the accent.  “… andshe changed the world with her discovery. She is one of the most wellknown scientists today and she was a woman.Unthinkable for that time, you must know. And I call her Curiebecause,” they stopped at a wooden door, presumably it led to thebalcony with her seats, and Thomas kneeled once again to smile at hisdaughter, rubbing her cheek. “You will change the world aswell one day, Gillian. You will change it for forever, I am certainof it. And when this day comes, I will be the proudest father on thisplanet - seeing your work changing it to something truly great andbeautiful. You are something special, never forget this -  evenwhen the world seems to be against you.”

There wassomething promising, wishful, in his eyes now - the ocean was trulycalm. The tall blond man chuckled as his stood up again and amusedlyruffled his daughter’s short white hair. “But now, it’stime to greet the others don’t you think?” He reached for thegolden door knob.

“Paaaaaaaaaaa!Wait!” Gillian quickly and uncoordinated tried to fix her nowdestroyed haircut with wild and hasty movements. She grunted indisapproval and frustration - she wanted to cry again. Why does shemortify her like that before meeting up with the others? It was apublic event! But he just continued to chuckle and smile as he openedthe door. “You look great.”

Without makingany noises - which pleased the distressed heiress - the door slowlyrevealed the little balcony they were supposed to take place on. Itwas beautifully decorated, just like the rest of this theatre, withcomplex and skilful carving and well upholstered rosewood red chairs.Gillian had the desire to run her thin fingers over them - to feelevery single detail of these masterpieces. And, for a short moment,the turmoil was forgotten. 

“Thomas!Gillian! You made it. We got worried you two got lost on the way”. A sharp, yet calm, voice interrupted the girl’s innerappreciation - angry that this flash of ease has been taken from heras quickly as it came. She looked up, indifferently, and spotteda tall man with umber brown skin and a perfectly sitting dark violetcoloured three-piece suit. She noticed that he had a new pair ofglasses and his skin was as smooth as glass. What a bummer, she likethe beard.

“We just hadto make a little stop, but I see we made it just in time. Forgive usour little inconvenience, old friend. You look good, I like theglasses”. Thomas firmly shook the hands of the man in front of him,both nearly the same size, before their formal greeting turned into afriendly hug, followed by some laughing and claps on each other’sbacks. “It good to see you, Thomas. It has been too long.”

“Hey Gillian,what do we say?”.  The white haired girl looked to her father,still in his friend’s arm, as he raised his eyebrows and tilted hishead in a playful dunning way. “Good evening, Uncle Morgan.”was the monotone response, how voice barely audible.

“Aw, hello,Gillian. It’s good evening to you too. Aren’t you happy to seeme?”

“Y-y–yes, Iam.” She liked Uncle Morgan, she really did. He visits them intheir house in London quite often and sometimes he spends some timewith them in their Wrexham residence as well. He always brings herlittle gifts she actually finds useful, like little experimental kitsor interesting books - not the boring stuff she gets from the others.It was obvious that there was a special connection between him andher father and she had a feeling that he geniunely cared for her. Yes,she liked him. So she mechanically walked up towards him as soon ashe kneeled down with open arms to give her a welcoming hug as well.He smelled like lemon grass. It calmed her down a bit and loosed herstiff limbs. 

“Sorry,Princess, but I don’t have anything for you this time. This is acute little bow-tie you got there.” His voice was deep and soothingas ever and Gillian couldn’t remember a moment in which it was anydifferent. The man was on an even kneel and she always wanted to knowhis secret. “It’s….ok”. Slowly she separated herselffrom him, unsure why she was so elliptical this time and unable toact like a normal human being. Once again she quietly grunted to herself,disappointed.

“Oh, she tiedthat one herself! Gil, you don’t have to stay with us adults, ifyou don’t want to. Just go ahead and take a seat. I will join youin a bit.” Slowly she turned her head to the familiar voice, and nodded hesitantly. Gillian was secretlygrateful that he finally gave her the permission to escape thisawkward situation and tried to return the little smile he gave her -but it just turned out to be a meager twitch of her thin lips. Just afew steps and she reached the row with their seats and just now shenoticed that no one was here besides them - the balcony was strangelyforsaken. A balcony just for the three of them? The monsterwas trying to creep back to her, eager to breath down her neck again withits warm and humid breath, but it disappeared as quickly as it came.The thought of just them being here defeated it, cut the heavy knot in herstomach and she could finally breath again. 

As she let thesoft cushion embrace her body, she closed her eyes and was able toforget the spinning world for a moment. Now she could seeherself effectively survive this dreadful social activity -contemplating why this was even a thing or of significance. Afriendly nod here, slack handshake there, a fake smile accompanied byfake personalities. Why did adults even engage in this game? Sheshook her head. This was non of her concern. Breath in, breath out.This is what Hunter always told her. Yes, breath in, breath out. Justtwo hours and she will see her dog again. A nice image to lookforward to. 

“Thomas,there is something we need to discuss. I have wonderful news”.

There it wasagain, Uncle Morgan’s charming voice. With her eyes stillclosed, she always saw warm, auburn colours when he spoke. He alwaysfelt like…autumn. So colourful, calming.  For now, it was justa distance dream.

“Can it wait?The show is about to start” Soft tones of waves cautiouslyshowed up, filling the room with the refreshing smell of bay salt.

“I wouldprefer to take care of the matter now, it should be quick. It’sabout Project Echelon.” The golden and red leaves rustledin the wind.

“What aboutit?” The waves suddenly became more turbulent, crashingagainst the coast, dark clouds slowly approached.

“It has beenrelocated to 51. We managed it, my friend. We really did it.” Thewind turned into a soft breeze and the sun broke through the heavycurtain.

“Really?This..the possibilities we have now..”  

Gillian openedher eyes and leaned to the top, peeking over the head cushion, tolook at the men holding each other again. She had no idea what theywere talking about, but the daydream she just had and the sight infront of her made her happy. 

“Aren’t youa curious little girl?” 

Startled,feeling she was caught in an illegal act, she erraticly turnedaround and stared at the man sitting in the chair next to her. Herbody became paralysed, her differently coloured eyes wide open. Butthe old man, with his wrinkled skin, hair white as her own, justsmiled at her in a mischievous way. Gillian could feel her heartracing, beat right beneath her chin, and cold sweatcovered her anaemic body. She couldn’t tell what frightenedher more. The fact that this man managed to approach her this easily,that she couldn’t tell whether he was sitting there all the time orsneaked up to her, or that uncongenial, nearly chocking,atmosphere that surrounded him. For a short moment she hallucinated adark presence around him. She buried her short nails into the chair.

“Oh, forgiveme, where are my manners? A gentleman always should introduce himselfto a lady. DeBeers, Lucius DeBeers. And you must be Gillian,  amI correct? Such a pleasantness to finally meet you.”

Unable tospeak, she just nodded rigidly and couldn’t stop staring intothe man’s blue eyes. They were even deeper than her father’s,mesmerizing, yet utterly terrifying. Her own eyes teared up again andshe tried her best to suppress the urge to yell out loud and run away.Although his man, who certainly was older than 70, was just calmlysitting there and doing nothing but talk and smile, there wassomething wrong with him. Something deep inside of her told her heshouldn’t be here and that she should keep her distance. Maybe hewas just a personification of her deepest fear, maybe she wasjust dreaming, maybe..

“Ah Lucius, Ididn’t know you would come as well! How are you?” 

All of thesudden Thomas was sitting to her left and leaning forward to greetthe man sitting to her right. But before she could even realise whatwas happening, the lights slowly died and the first tones of theorchestra below them filled the room.