#& as an adult now i still don't understand
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colored some more things from my sketchbook! zelda edition this time
[id in alt!]
#loz#legend of zelda#food#specific games from left to right (more or less) are:#twilight princess#wind waker#skyward sword#ocarina of time#minish cap#it feels like i suddenly understand how to color when i do these.. i'm scheming ways to get digital art to click like this for me#but man i used to be obsessed with midna medli saria and vaati as a kid so drawing them again a decade later feels super weird#and adult me now has an additional love of telma ruto and for some reason fledge. i think his design is cute#i don't show my ocs on the internet so you're gonna have to take my word for this but#zelda actually completely sparked my love of character design! i'm still hugely inspired by the older games#plus the anthro designs from botw! i love teba very much#but fi specifically is probably my favorite character design from anything ever. she's perfect to me#fan art#my doodles#my art
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Girl help my brain won't brain AGAIN
#i'm trying to figure out some publishing related stuff#but i'm worried that i don't understand it and am not getting it right#and i just. can't think right now#and i know this is weird but i SWEAR it's partially because of the news about maggie smith passing away#obviously i never met her or anything but i still feel weirdly intensely sad about it#i don't know. i just kinda feel like crying kinda wanna hide under a blanket all day#kinda wish i had the capacity to be a functional adult#that sort of thing#probably going on a little walk or something will fix me#but also i just don't want to do anything and at the same time i NEED to do something#because also anxiety my old friend and sitting still does not really help with that#okay venting done#time to do...something else. idk what
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Both my parents actually suffer from HORRID emotional dysregulation and are prone to snapping and going into rages. My sister is the same way tbh. I am now realizing this is why they are constantly baffled by the question of whether or not I am mad at them.
I don't have external meltdowns.
I could. I don't let it happen.
I keep my rage on the inside and stay pretty quiet about it. It's just as strong as theirs [physically shaking nose bleed from high blood pressure kind of bad], but like as a kid I saw how terrifying it was to be around [dad breaking dishes, mom putting our lawn chairs into walls] and I just internalized that I wasn't going to wear that anger on the outside.
So my mother genuinely cannot tell if I am just being quiet or if I am silently hearing the dial-up noises of pure rage. This has lead her to both making strong and confident statements like "You are a pacifist who would never hurt a fly U.U" but also acting like I am secretly dangerous maybe... It's because she has never seen me snap.
She knows what her temper is like [throwing chairs through walls], she knows what my father's temper is like [pick up child and toss out door], and she can tell I am being tested, but she doesn't know what happens when I snap or where that breaking point is.
Her -perhaps unhinged- solution to this, my whole life, has been to do things that should obviously enrage me or shut me down completely, like ignoring important boundaries, repeatedly, punishing me for expressing emotions or needs at all, etc... And then to constantly ask me if I am angry with her when I get too quiet [right after near directly telling me to shut up].
It has occurred to me now, they have never once seen me lose my temper, so they literally just can't tell if I am angry at them. My sister is easy, my mother fights and screams with my sister constantly, my mother understands this. My mother doesn't have any grasp of feelings or boundaries that are not screamed at her [apparently, and I fear my sister is the same way]. Her and my sister are close despite constant fucking fighting because they understand each other.
They are trying to get me to engage the same way and it is not working. I realize now that this has been hard for them.
I was so successfully taught to suppress my emotions, by being punished for any outburst, that rage quiet looks the same as any other kind of quiet from the outside. To them anyway.
I did tell her. For the record. I used my words. I did tell her very calmly that my response to rage, in order to avoid doing the things that terrified me as a child, was to simply leave [the autistic urge to GTFO]. When a situation or person causes too much of the dial-up rage noise, I simply extract myself from that situation, up to and including never speaking to a person again. I explained this calmly. I explained it calmly 100 times and I explained that I explain myself calmly as my rage response 1-5 [also pretty much every other negative emotion tbh], and I told her that what came next was me simply opting out and fucking off. I told her this. I couldn't understand why she never took me seriously, or why she never fucking understood.
I couldn't understand what made her like this.
But it's the same problem I have with everyone else multiplied by a factor of 10.
If I am explaining myself calmly, they can't understand that it's actually serious or that I am actually upset. ESPECIALLY because they read me as "female" and women "aren't that rational" so if I am not screaming and crying about something, which I never do, people assume I can't be upset and it isn't serious.
And then after having my boundaries ignored too many times despite having calmly explained how and why it's a problem [shaking inside or not]... I leave. I leave and everyone gets upset like this is unexpected behaviour, even though I told them 50 times that is how I would respond if they kept doing *the thing.*
And for neurotypical people especially, they are expecting there to be a disconnect between what someone says they need or feel and what their actually boundaries and feelings are, and they expect the latter to be demonstrated with emotions. Telling them bluntly you do not function that way somehow never helps?
My mother isn't just looking for normal yelling or a few tears to know I am serious, whether or not I do those either [I don't], she's looking for an explosion to know there's a problem at all.
Fucked if I know how she proceeds through life this way in general or if this is just her expectation of her own kids???
And I couldn't get why my mother couldn't read my emotions and didn't seem to think I have any. It's because she's testing for the rage limit to see where my 'actual' limit is instead of taking my word for it. Never the fuck mind that she could simply *not* test at my boundaries instead of letting me have them. Separate issue.
I couldn't figure out what made her *like this*
She's expecting me to throw a giant meltdown violent tantrum at people when I have 'actually' had enough. Maybe she got away with those being like 5'4" in another time, but I am the size of the average man, I do not get to have giant screaming rages, whether or not people perceive me consciously as a woman, and least of all because a lot of people -at least unconsciously- read me as 'masculine' or at least always "they guy" of the situation compared to all other women and some men [bigger stronger and more rational, more able to just absorb the damage and let it go so the less rational screaming/crying one doesn't have to be dealt with]. Even if it was in me to be willing to terrify people [usually never], there are such limited instances where it wouldn't just blow back on me. Potentially very dangerously.
I am going to be the quiet calm one. You are going to have to let me use my words, bitch.
So she kept ignoring my boundaries until I had to cut her out of my life, and she probably doesn't understand and probably thinks it feels sudden -after 36 long years of bullshit- abrupt and unfair.
But I told her hundreds of times.
I probably should have just screamed at her.
#good stay out of our yard' and he didn't seem to know what to say to that#but other than that I don't think anyone in my adult life has ever seen me turn aggressive at all to the point where people 100% like to#play games of testing my patience and my boundaries because they think my tolerance is infinite#but like I have autistic rage tantrums on both sides of my family and they are just happening inside my head#And somehow it took me until now to realize that being that way was actually -expected- of me by my parents and especially my mother#and that by keeping myself outwardly level headed to be considerate I actually took away whatever signals she can understand#to have empathy for how I must be feeling#I mean it's still all on her#but it makes so much sense of why she's fucking *like this*#And why my sister thinks I hate her just because -she- stopped texting -me-#but that fucking guy#Every time I was like#In my adult life I have screamed at someone ONE whole time and it was 1000% deserved#And I threw heavy objects around one whole other time and in my defense I didn't do it in front of the guy he just felt the ground shaking#heard the thuds and came back to the logs blocking his path because that fucker wouldn't stop parking in our yard after being asked#and then TOLD not to about 10 times because he was acting entitled to just park in our yard and was crushing my plants???#seriously I don't know what his deal was but he wouldn't stop telling me how much the ground shaking scared him like it was supposed#to get my pity like I think this guy took one look at the logs I had just tossed down and was suddenly afraid of this “woman” he was#bullying in their own yard and so my ability to feel bad for scaring him had gone straight out the fucking window#I looked at him and said stop parking in our yard instead of your own you are killing my plants#he'd just fucking be like 'well the last people to live here let us D: :)“ and I'd be like ”good for them?“ ”stop“#and he'd just keep doing it#I was having a week of insomnia and was finally having the best dream#the kind of sex dream you have like twice in your life#and this fucker had just gotten some noisy ass little bike with a spoiler on it#and starts it up right under my window at 3am from IN OUR FUCKING YARD#so I had a nice long anger nap and just after he got home from work and was sleeping in his house#I picked up these chunks of deadwood tree from the back#there was like 3-4 logs that used to be a WHOLEASS fucking oak tree Like these logs were not as heavy as they -looked- but they were still#this fucker deleted half the tags I wrote and I am not retyping that fuck you tumblr so fucking hard
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I do have on thing to say about the fact that "one of the passengers is a 19 year old" for the Titan.
A 19 year old is still a "teenager" but that is a whole ass adult. That is an adult who has been an adult for a year and acting like he has no self agency to not make the choices he did is just ridiculous and I'm seeing *way* to many people on this site pretty much just infantalize him. 18 is *also* an adult. A new adult, but still an *adult*. If you are seriously in the mindset of "but that's a child still!" You need to step away from Tumblr and just think about how you view the various human stages of development.
19 year olds aren't kids. That man made that choice to go down there.
(also as a trans man who's rights are under attack and that people are using the argument of "kids can't consent" to get their foot in the door and then further take them away from literal adults, some under the argument of "well a lot of y'all are autistic and Don't Really Understand what's happening even though you're adults!!" This shit infuriates me. Stop infantilizing people!!! This may not be about my rights as a trans person but the issue of infantilizing literal adults is still the same!!!)
#titan#oceangate#the titanic#like it sucks people probably died but honestly i don't hold a ton of sympathy for these people. who are all ADULTS.#like they made the choices#they all signed the literal waivers knew to some extent the risk#and eithsr all adults have agency or none of us do.#just bc we make the choice not to read the full text of like phone legalese doesnt mean we arent able to if we take fhe extra time to do it#there is argument to be made that stuff Iikw that is needlessly overcomplicated and should be more thoroughly regulated but for corps#not on the “oh well pwople cant agree to phone contracts now bc they're too hard to understand :(”#like. do you see how ridiculous that sounds#and the titan waivers *woudlnt have been anywhere as complicated*. ive read risk of death is mentioned 3x on the first page alone.#can't quote ehere so it moght not be true but still. point being its a literal trip to rhe bottom of fhe ocean.#that alone carries inherent risks *i dont want to take even in the safest submarine*.
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I say 'peculiarities' as if I don't mean toddler Miruku is a contemptuous hater. He isn't impolite, but he loathes being around people so much that it has him seriously ill. ( literal ) ⸻ a quick way to have him denouncing your right to exist would be touching him without his explicit permission, which is to say he dislikes 99% of the population because most people do not respect a child's boundary.
Deep down inside, Miruku hasn't actually grown from this, just that he tolerates & allows himself to enjoy the pain of flareups. ( love is sacrifice, this is what he learned very earlier on but he wants to possess love enough to go through with it )
#𝒎𝒊𝒔𝒄. ⸻ ◜ character analysis/ miruku◞#* i don't know how to properly explain it#* but it is not intrinsic to miruku to feel fondness or love for people.#* because it does not come naturally he actively manufacture what it means to 'love' someone.#* with trial and error of course and varying degree of healthiness or lack of it.#* like Momina has been an integral part in 'creating a heart' because she allowed him to grow - now whether Momina is of sound mind to#* begin with is a narrative i can't share ...bother nimo for that one.#* ultimately tho miruku's understanding of love is grounded on what he thinks is 'common knowledge'#* love is kind - love is patient - love is fair etc etc#* as an adult he still doesnt know if he loves this anyone really...but at the very least he is willing to be held...hives and all.#* oh! but he doesn't ' lack emotions' ! i think people tend to muddle 'difficulty to love /can't love' and lack of emotions often.#* true aro problem dsakjdas suddenly you're heartless cause u cant romantically engage like gurrrrl bfr
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ramblings on Li Ming (and Heart) and homosexuality
moonlight chicken has so many things to offer in terms of technical beauty and interesting themes but what i cannot stop thinking about is the different ways they approach homosexuality in the story.
we have Wen who has a rainbow flag on his desk and pictures of him and Alan on the wall. Wen, who openly flirts with Jim and has no qualms talking openly about his one night stand. Wen, whose step father knows about his sexuality and is close enough with him to discuss his love life.
Kaipa we don’t know too much about. But his mom knows and is supportive and some of the vendors and the chicken family seem to know. But if anyone was questioning in what reality this show is set with all the class discussion and corona featuring, his part of the story shows that homophobia exists and he is worried about how he fits in with his own family, the expectations of his mother and possible the awareness that he makes the family he has “different”.
Jim is arguably even more visibly gay than Wen in terms of what we see throughout the show. He opened the shop with his ex, they prayed at the temple together and even though he objected due to proprities sake eventually they loudly declared their love to each other and the whole neighbourhood knows. Wen somehow feels like he is living in the remnants of a bubble: his circle of friends seems very queer, his closest friend and the whole gym seem to be all part of that as well. This only might change now with him questioning his work and breaking up with Alan: some gatherings he won’t attend anymore apparently.
And finally, we have Li Ming. At school he doesn’t seem to open up to his classmates on most things and additionally is in the closet. While there wasn’t anything alluding to homophobic rethoric being spread at school we can see how the heteronormativity gets to him and feel that there must be good reason as to why no one knows. And it could just be how Li Ming is judging the situation based on vibes, we don’t know. His mother is or at least was homophobic but at the same time he is raised by his gay uncle who is surrounded by other gay people. And I love how it feels like this might have given him enough security to be comfortable with his own sexuality but how it also isn’t enough to shield him from the world at large.
With so many great shows coming out of Thailand and most of them getting more and more political it just feels so real and 2023 to me that Li Ming is part of a generation that knows who they are but still have to battle with the shadow that homophobia has cast way before they were born.
#moonlight chicken#i had this in my draft for a week now thinking if i'd get the time i could put this more leloquently but that was a lie as it turns out#might edit some stuff later#but for now i just have to write about how fantastic this show is for giving these varied realities of queer life#which are all influenced by their environment but also in the way the characters connect across generations#we don't know if him had a gay mentor who could've guided him#whereas li ming technically has him and his neighbourhood friends to reference#but li ming - understandibly so - seems more closeted than anyone else (minus Heart possigly)#in middle school everyone around me proclaimed how supportive they were of lgbt+ rights#but as soon as one guy came out he become the TALK of the school for weeks#he got reduced to his sexuality#and when he dated a girls some months after he got called attention seeking for coming out as gay before#and most people thought they were doing an open-minded thing#and despite knowing that i know that i am not the only queer kid who decided to not come out lest we'd become that talk of the whole school#and our dating lives scrutinized#even though all of us were super comfortable with who we are#and for me that was mostly the case because i had adult lesbian role models close to my family#so i knew i was good and that nothing strange was going on#but still - this othering made the school environment hostile enough to keep me in the closet#so yes - i am extremely delighted with how they depict this dynamic with li ming
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YRTS: Sara I
view context and the rest of the series here!
Is Sara "ungrateful," or is she tired of being treated like a child by both her mother and her little brother when she's trying to move on from the way she was bullied?
I see why they might've been more protective of her while she was at Marieberg, but she's clearly growing up and trying to move on and gain autonomy/independence, and they won't stop treating her like she can't take care of herself. That wasn't necessarily the issue she was having, though; the problem was that people didn't like her as a person and bullied her because of how they perceived her, not that she was actually incompetent in any way. Now that she doesn't have to deal with bullying, she's doing much better, and it might feel like her family is holding her back in the Marieberg times with their helicoptering.
#shimmer's thoughts#young royals#sara eriksson#linda eriksson#simon eriksson#yrts#this is mostly focused on s1 btw. i stopped paying attention to the fandom in s1 mostly#ppl are still calling her ungrateful but i don't think that's true. i think she's an adult. and her family treats her#1) badly in general and 2) like she's still 10 or smth. so it's pretty reasonable that she doesn't like that imo#does she go about dealing with that in the wrong way? idk. maybe. but that's not what i'm talking about here#for the record i am also autistic. which isn't to say 'maybe i'm just autistic and don't get this'#what i'm saying is bc i'm autistic in a similar way to her i think i understand her pretty well. better than most people#for the bits i've watched while paying enough attention to her arc at least#also i think i could have more complex thoughts on this esp after a rewatch but this is one of my theories for now#i have many theories. sara is a really fun character#but these are some preliminary thoughts. and i don't really think i'll strongly disagree with this after i rewatch
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Sometimes i think about udon comics Karin, why was she like that.
#it genuinely feels like a parody of the character like#ok i understand the comics aren't 1-1 with the game's stuff. creative liberties and all#but still. look how they massacred my girl#i get that what they were going for was for her to be more of an antagonist i think?#but it was done in cost of her characterization. completely missing the key element of this character#that she's not spoiled just proud#udon comics Karin feels as if she's five steps behind her game counterpart in that aspect#like how in those she only gets to the point of befriending Sakura when they're both adults#when in the games they were left on a good note pretty much right after her ending in alpha 3#there's more that bothers me but I don't feel like rambling in tags now#street fighter#sf#karin kanzuki#sf karin#hyena ramblings
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Man I just finished Babel and I was excited to read discussions online because there's so much going on in it with so many little things and just....angry white people. Everywhere. Truly a dead dove moment.
#the “you can't trust white people” theme might be a little like...aggressive but gosh you are not wrong#rf kuang#it was such a good depiction imo#it felt so much like explaining to white (or sometimes black) people what the problem is#especially felt like explaining being queer to straight people#i feel like a lot of people have at least a vague intellectual understanding of racism even if they don't see the racism#babel an arcane history#babel or the necessity of violence#also she captured a fair bit of mixed race and chinese diaspora feelings#also also i can see the relationship to the secret history and the fact that this is a rebuttal of dark academia while being dark academia#also realizing i dislike dark academia tbh#just...the ye olde university feeling is not my style#hence i went to engineering school where it had a je ne sais quois that i think is widespread neurodivergence#the good old boys clubs just do not interest me and i cannot really care about their lifestyles#it's not bad mind you it's just not for me#babel however is the exception that made me realize i dislike dark academia#hated the cloisters#got a rec for the secret history and had negative interest in that#i really want more and better depictions of engineering school and like...any similar experiences to what i had#they just do things like the social network where it's still a rich kid good old boys club but now with “nerds” who are just business majors#like the big tech guys of the modern era are primarily business guys not like...building computers in their basement#give me aome barely functional people who lean heavily into being weird once they go to school and they have hijinks like#updating archlinux and giving the other people shots if you get xyz system working again#first to get x11 back? REST OF YOU SHOTS. first to get internet back? SHOTS. sound? SHOTS. window manager? SHOTS.#or like...drama over your roommate not knowing how to do basic adult things like boil water or do laundry
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okay weird q incoming but what ways do you think speedsters can get sick? Like to my understanding, they can’t really come down with normal virus’ like the flu, right? But they could get things like chronic migraines?
NANOBOTS!!! This is one of the best pieces of canon lore ever. I did a whole post on it but TLDR: normal human metabolisms have so much shit going on that they don't even notice nanobots in their body BUT speedsters have hyper accelerated metabolisms that are the equivalent of the straight A's overachiever in school on meth. So speedster metabolisms do notice nanobots and they attack full force, triggering all of the body's defenses and responses.
But the nanobots are metal so it obviously doesn't do anything. It just leaves the speedster lethargic, feverish, vomiting, dizzy, with a headache, sore muscles and a runny nose, ect. It's basically an allergic reaction.
Now, poisoning them can work depending on what the poison is/what the dosage is. You would need a 100% fatal poison and you would need a fairly high dose. Because speedsters heal fast and they have a hyper accelerated metabolism, so any poison that is based on toxicity (alcohol poisoning for example) would be out of their system faster than it could even take effect.
But poisons that can't be cleared out/processed by the body (take cyanide for example, it binds with the chemical receptors in your body making it physically impossible to use oxygen) wouldn't really be affected by their metabolism at all. So while the speedsters could heal the damaged tissues from these poisons fairly quickly (making it seem as though they were only slightly affected) they would ultimately need time to do so, time they would not have if it kills them first. This isn't technically what you are asking because there would be no substance that 'makes them sick', there would only be 'fine', 'not fine for like a minute and then fine again' and 'dead'. (... unless they were hooked up to a steady supply of the toxin)
Likewise, (this is getting more into theoretical territory, less canon) there might be some illnesses that would affect them? Not for long but if you got something super fucking fatal like Rabies, it might make them display mild cold symptoms for a day or something.
I don't know though. They have really fucking good immune systems. And even super fatal diseases can be fought. Take my example of Rabies, while it is commonly thought to be 100% fatal once symptoms show up there actually have been cases of people surviving it. Rabies is a very stealthy and fast disease, so the main problem with treating it is that your body's immune system isn't fast enough to stop it. People have survived by being placed in medically induced comas (slowing their bodily functions and thus the disease) for long enough that the medication can eradicate it. So for a speedster? That's gone in a minute tops. You would need an insane disease that I'm not sure even exists.
There's also like... pregnancy and menstruation. Growing pains, muscle pain from running is a BIG ONE, being dehydrated/starvation, blood loss, ect. Lots of ways to fuck with a speedster in a way they can't immediately fix.
There are also speedster specific ailments. It's basically 50/50 if a natural born speedster gets a weird highly fatal aging disease. Sometimes speedsters can be born without a kinetic energy shield which makes using their powers at all incredibly fatal to them. All speedsters will have connectivity issues at some point that can be fatal. Sometimes Time Gets Bad™ (shout out to when Barry kept chronically stealing time from people/things every time he used his powers). Sometimes they have too much energy and can't maintain human form (shout out to when Wally didn't know what the speedforce was and was accidentally cosplaying Ghost Rider). Velocity 9 is a highly addictive drug that works on speedsters and makes them display typical addiction behavior (and withdrawal). V9 can also cause a speedster to 'overdose' (burst into flames/lightning/energy). They all have the constant urge to yeet themselves into the speedforce. Ect.
#here's the thing: they are made of speedforce but its not a skin deep thing. you feel me? like their CELLS are made of speedforce#so all shit still affects them#i keep saying that they don't need oxygen or food to survive and thats true but its only if they're actively compensating with speedforce#cause they can get energy from the speedforce or they can get energy from oxygen and food or both. they can't do neither#and they don't really *know* or understand that theyd be fine with JUST speedforce energy. they still think they need oxygen and food#so if they were suffocating or something they might instinctively crank up the speedforce to compensate but they're also very stupid#so they might just die. idk it really depends on who it is how much they know and how much SF they're drawing on#cause like... energy beings need energy yo#i hope this makes sense#the muscle pain one is interesting cause Wallys early runs are really big on the whole hitting the wall thing#he would hit a wall that he physically couldn't break through and it caused him a lot of pain.#some of that was not being hooked up properly cause Wally wasn't hooked up properly until he was an ADULT#because he is FUCKING INSANE and he just went 'huh i guess this is my limit and i will stay below it' liKE AN INSANE PERSON#anyway some of it was SF issues and some of it was mental but he actually got really really hurt anytime he got close to the wall#REALLY bad muscle pain. and like... it was potentially extremely fatal. 'breaking down your body into little bits' fatal#he doesn't get that anymore because hes properly hooked up now but jfc that man treated 'entering the death zone' like it was#the high score to beat at his local arcade. he took it as a fucking challenge. absolutely insane dude right there
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Ah, yeah that makes more sense actually! I can't reply to your reply because yours are restricted but I did edit my tags since you clarified.
No worries! Yeah, at first I genuinely thought he WAS just regular flowey bc I totally forgot that the OG underswap swapped Asriel and monster kid and was celebrating how perfectly in character flowey felt, and I was immediately filled w fear when I realised Asriel was his own person here. Really hope they're cooking something interesting up w flowey's deal that makes sense (especially bc the devs are seemingly using he/him for Flowey, so unless that's a slipup bc of canon flowey it makes.. less sense to be frisk or mk). Honestly I think it'd be really funny if it turns out flowey IS just a shape shifting Asriel and frisk is just lurking within Chara doing all the 'forward' stuff while mk is the main temmie or something lol)
#not-the-conversation-starter#ask#they've done everything else really well so i do wanna have faith flowey will be done well too#but idk. lots of people even now seem to treat flowey like a setpiece#not to mention that weird phenomenon where ppl start claiming he's an adult and treating him like one just bc he looks like a flower?#like. the reasons are things that people would really look at you funny for if you tried to claim about frisk or chara#and yet are the same kinda arguments. flowey just doesn't seem to be respected as a character as much by the wider fandom#still gonna keep hoping though. bc god damn they did sans so so incredibly in a way i didn't think possible for an au#but. yeah. think a lot of my pessimism is just being tired of bad flowey takes in 2024 ig. especially by popular ppl#not really seen the work of any of these guys before i don't think so I'm gonna hope they're flowey understanders
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Related to my last post, but honestly, any comment about sexual assault that is even adjacent to "Well why didn't you just do X?" is victim blaming.
Why didn't I just do something about it? Maybe because someone was raping me, so I wasn't thinking clearly?
Like I get how that might not be something someone wants to think about, especially when reading fan fiction, but freeze is a lot more common of a response to this kind of thing than you'd think.
It's my response. So yeah, don't be shocked when I take "well why didn't he just-" comments extremely personally. Because he froze, guys. That's fucking why.
#sorry I just never realised how much these comments genuinely bothered me until now#cw: sa mention#no I obviously don't have ghost powers#but I was raped at 14#and let me tell you supernatural powers would not have made a difference#my fear response still would have been freeze#because an adult I was supposed to be able to trust was raping me#I cannot make you understand that if you don't already unless you've experienced it#I don't know what to tell you here
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shame is the self killer shame is the authenticity killer shame hides the honesty of your art and the beauty of your own individual uniqueness and voice and thoughts. without embracing the parts of you that people might think are annoying or imperfect or cringe the road to self acceptance and inner peace and lasting happiness will continue to stay that much harder
#telling myself this right now because it's true but feelings are complicated#and i currently have complicated feelings about some stuff#but i know intellectually this is true#addendum and if people tell you otherwise and that you should be ashamed of who you are#instead of recognizing your capacity and ability to be willing to grow especially when you are#then you still don't have to change yourself. you don't have to be someone for others to not think of as shameful#who cares what other people think as long as you know and have confidence in yourself#this is why I say that really knowing and understanding yourself and the person you want to be is the primary step of unlearning shame#because it absolves the chronic shame but also is a reminder when you do feel that guilt again#that if you know who you are and do what you feel is right and stand by your own humanity and decision making#then that's all you really need. you don't need approval from others even if they try to make you feel otherwise#because i think we're here to be ourselves and connect with others in a way we can see their authentic selves#while being our own authentic selves. allow ourselves to grow together because we want to#not because of the intrinsically imperfect and black and white methodology of judgment and expectation#shame is ingrained in a lot of people because we grew up seeking the approval of those around us including our peers#whether it manifests in bullying or overly critical adult figures or anything else#a lot of us are taught from a young age to act and become someone in order to not face that abuse again#but as we grow into adulthood we're straddled with this feeling in an adult world that is always changing and doesn't always treat ppl#like this. so then it becomes that the biggest arbiter of shame in our lives is ourselves and that fear of perception and judgment#when in reality it is much simpler and more fulfilling to not mind that judgment and just accept yourself for who you are#regardless of what other ppl may think of you
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one of my favorite parts of strategy games like chess and advance wars is that feeling when you haven't quite won yet but the enemy has no real options so it feels like you're just sloowly wrapping around them like a snake. when all your enemy has is their king and you've managed to turn 3 of your pawns into queens, and all you've gotta do is get in juust the right position, and in the meantime all they can do is squirm. god, that's such a wonderful feeling. nothing quite like it
#incidentally i don't like it when versions of chess insist on enforcing a stalemate rule#honestly to a certain extent i feel like if your enemy has nothing but a king and you've got more than one queen that should just be an#automatic win. like exodia except instead of the individual pieces being useless they're all the most powerful monster card in the game#i think the favorite card i had as a kid was my five headed dragon. thought that shit was so cool. 5000 in both attack and defense???#it seemed unbeatable to my little kid brain. also it was a dragon. of course i loved it#i never learned how to Actually play yugioh of course. just what rules my stupid kid reading comprehension could understand#im pretty sure a monster has to be in play for you to be able to sacrifice it. i didn't know that so i filled my deck with nothing but#really strong monsters and i'd just sacrifice some directly from my hand to summon what i wanted#i stole a lot of yugioh cards as a kid from target. i'm comfortable saying this online because the statute of limitations has absolutely ru#out by now. i looked it up.#i remember for the first time i stole a box set that had exodia. i remember on my way home so i could open it... i genuinely felt like ther#was something mystical in that box. something ancient. there was something really special about that to my kid brain#i'd later steal quite a few more because i got the bright idea to fill a deck with nothing but exodia cards. i figured i'd always have a#first draw win. took me until actually trying to play it that i realized i'd often just get 5 left arms which obviously wouldn't work#so i took that deck and added some actual monsters to “hold me off”. it was pretty much just a normal deck with too much space taken up by#essentially useless cards. i don't think i ever actually won by drawing exodia naturally. what a shame#side note but i still get a bit anxious every time i go to that target. i haven't in years and i can basically guarantee they wouldn't#recognize Grown Ass Adult me as “that kid who stole a lot of yugioh cards”. it's been almost a decade if memory serves#i've grown a lot since then. both physically and metaphorically#i digress
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i hung out w my roommate and a couple of her friends last night and it was fun but it was a little surreal they were just... so different. from me.
#every single one of them has gone on a mission. and are now out of the church (kinda)#ppl not living in utah may not understand this but there is a phenomenon that happens to me a lot i think maybe bc i attract ppl who are#in the process of leaving the church#where you will talk to someone and ask them if they're mormon and they'll go 'well.... im kind of figuring that out right now'#and i have had this exact conversation a million times and it's very strange bc they're in a phase of cognitive dissonance with the church#that i went through at like 13. so i relate in a way and i know it's part of the process but it is strange seeing adults go through that bc#it's a very different experience#like when ur talking casually abt drinking and smoking weed and having sex and then get uncomfortable when i say 'oh my god'#just strange. i think i need to remember to be patient abt it but it's so weird seeing people kind of cling to the idea that they are still#somehow connected to the church when they hold no belief in the doctrine and don't follow a lifestyle that's conducive to it at all#but i get it. it's scary to let go#separation can be a terrifying thing... etc
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My Monster High phase is re-hitting me so hard
#Oh you guys don't understand how obsessed I was with it when I was younger#Like holy shit#I'm gonna attempt to find every single MH related item I had#I don't care that this is childish#I'm just so happy I can still appreciate it now as an adult as much as I did when I was a child#Or hell even more#monster high#I miss G1 I really do#But I'm also super stoked for this new gen and that they're finally hitting the shelves in my country#Btw I did get that budget Frankie doll I posted about before :)#I put them on my shelf and managed to fit them into one of my old dolls stands#I'm planning on rearranging my shelf cleaning my old dolls and displaying some of them
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