#& 20+ years worth of mom having high expectations‚ and hoping she's finally met at least one of them in the last months

[msommers]

the thing is that i let myself fully sit in the weight of riya's emotions during the "i'm going to make you proud" moment with her mom and that's what killed me

[xyliane]

the many lies of kanzaki hitomi to her long-suffering best friend uchida yukari

summary: when hitomi is on time to their weekend coffee time, yukari knows something is up.

notes: because I utterly adore escaflowne in ways that I don’t know if I can truly describe, and the wonderful @wuzzyletoastermac​ recently finished the show, I couldn’t not attempt a post-series write-up about...the best friend who’s only in four episodes. (I just love van and hitomi so much). G, hitomi and yukari friendship, van/hitomi mention. 1450 words.

---

Yukari knows it’s something big when Hitomi makes time to meet for coffee on a Saturday. Normally, Hitomi—best friend since forever, national track star at the age of 18, certified social worker, truly wonderful person, etc. etc.—is off with her long-distance boyfriend, or coaching track, or coaching track with her long-distance boyfriend looking pleasantly befuddled at the whole proceedings. On a rare occasion, she’ll ask Yukari for help getting Van into what can politely be termed “normal people clothes,” and Yukari can spend most of the afternoon puzzling over Van’s absolutely bizarre accent and failing to get either of them to tell her where exactly in Greece she can find someone as hot as Van Fanel.

Hitomi swears up and down that they started dating while she was doing a study abroad in Australia her second year of uni, but that doesn’t explain why the poor man 1: doesn’t speak English at least on par with an average high schooler’s cram school classes, and 2: doesn’t own a single pair of jeans not currently in residence in Hitomi’s closet. The Greeks aren’t that weird. Besides, half of Yukari’s architecture clients are based in America. She knows weird. And even by those standards, Van is weird.

Not to mention there’s some nagging part of Yukari’s brain that seems to recognize Van. It’s bothered her since they first met, and the last three years have done nothing to assuage that feeling. How silly to believe that they met in a dream or a vision. That is certainly more Hitomi’s realm.

But he loves Hitomi. It’s impossible to unsee that deep unending well of affection in his dark eyes, the soft smile that makes him look ages younger whenever she’s around, how patient he is even when she’s determined to find the perfect sweater for a job interview or the exact right cafe she claims was there the last time she was in this part of Asakusa. Occasionally, he’ll even catch her before she wanders too far afield, hand tight on her wrist in a way that speaks both to his own nerves wandering around in a crowded city (again, Hitomi went to uni in Sydney, why is Tokyo that much different) and to the way Hitomi turns back to him like a flower blooming in sunshine, all blushing cheeks and bright smile and alive in ways Yukari only wishes she could feel.

So Yukari’s a little jealous. It’s hard not to be. If it weren’t for the occasional argument blowing Hitomi’s temper sky high and Van’s own anger coming out in blistering tension, or the way that Hitomi will sometimes spend more time complaining about the weekend she’d had with him than bothering to answer any of Yukari’s questions about where exactly they’d met up, she’d worry that Van actually was perfect.

Okay well, no one she has to force into jeans against their will is perfect. Especially someone who looks like that.

So Yukari has kindly deigned to meet with her best friend at their favorite cafe on a beautiful Saturday morning, despite everything (Hitomi’s boyfriend and Yukari’s desire to sleep until 3pm respectively). Something’s off.

And when she rounds the corner at 10am on the dot, Kanzaki Hitomi is already there sipping a latte with Yukari’s favorite sitting there, still steaming. Hitomi is never on time. For anything. Ever. If she is, it’s because of her long legs and bizarre luck.

Something is definitely off.

“Yukari! I got you coffee,” she says, bright guileless grin on her face.

Yukari sits and sips. Sweet, caffeinated bliss. She almost forgives Hitomi the hour.

Not enough to loosen her suspicions, though. “Hitomi, what are you up to?” she says once her brain is active.

“Ah, well.” Hitomi casually brushes non-existent lint off her jacket sleeves. “I wanted to tell you something.”

“Is it about Van?” When her best friend’s face turns a bright pink, Yukari’s eyebrows rise. “Is he moving here?”

Head shake no. Hm.

“Did he finally take his jeans home?”

Deeper flush.

“Are you pregnant?”

“Yukari!” Hitomi screeches, face luminescent and voice far too loud for the little cafe. A few of the other patrons, including some who clearly have had as much sleep as Yukari, turn and glare at them, and Hitomi clasps hands over her own face. Yukari tries to not laugh, really. “I’m—no. And if you’re gonna be a jerk, I won’t invite you to my wedding.”

Any and all feelings of malicious annoyance vanish in an instant. “You’re—Hitomi! Congrats! That’s amazing, when are you getting married? Where are you getting married? If Van’s not moving here, does that mean you’re—where is he these days, is it going to be big or small? What should my dress look like? Do you have the colors picked out?”

Hitomi giggles through her fingers, a little on edge and clearly overwhelmed. “That’s too many questions!”

“I can write them out in a list and email them if you’d rather.”

A high-pitched whine more like a tea kettle than a woman in her mid-20s erupts out of Hitomi, and she drops her face to the table in her best impression of a puddle of melted ice cream. “I wanted to tell you properly, you know,” she mutters.

“You wouldn’t be you if you didn’t let it slip on accident,” Yukari says. As much fun as it is to mercilessly toy with her best friend who completely deserves it, there are more pressing matters, particularly Yukari’s own calendar that she is going to completely shuffle around. “But before I spend the next three hours getting you to spill every detail, at least tell me when and where.”

Without moving her face off the table, Hitomi rustles in her purse, pushing a pair of envelopes at Yukari. The first is a classic wedding invitation, cream colored envelope brushed with elegant black kanji. It’s exactly what Yukari would have expected from Hitomi’s mom, who has handled the years after her husband’s death with astonishing grace. But the second…

The parchment—it’s too thick to be paper, fibrous and off-white and flecked with gold—is about as wide as Yukari’s hands spread apart, and covered in a mix of runes and curling symbols that spread across the top of the invitation like wings. In the center of the whole thing is burnt a diamond-shaped emblem with a winged dragon. It doesn’t look like any Greek Yukari has ever seen.

“Would you be the host for my reception? It’s in a month and a half,” Hitomi is asking, which under any other circumstance would send Yukari into delighted peals of laughter. She’s a planner by nature, and organizing something as momentous as Hitomi’s small wedding will be worth every moment of her best friend and her boyfriend making sappy eyes at each other.

“Of course I will,” Yukari says, distracted. Social work doesn’t pay enough for an invitation this fancy, and Van can’t even afford his own clothes. And it’s not in Japanese, or English, and is that real gold? “What is this?”

Hitomi rubs nervous circles around her latte mug. “Since Van’s not from here, and the only person who can travel is his sister, we thought, you know. One wedding here for me, one there for him.”

“Sounds great,” Yukari says, turning the parchment upside down and over onto its back, hoping that the meaning will magically appear. “Hitomi, I can’t read this.”

“Oh, right. Sorry, Yukari.” Hitomi passes a hand over the parchment, the ring on her hand glimmering bright pink in the sun, and the runes curl and shift before Yukari’s eyes like…like magic. Yukari resists the urge to rub her eyes. Magic isn’t real. Just like dragons aren’t, or friends vanishing into pillars of light.

Your presence is requested at The marriage of Van of Fanelia and Hitomi Kanzaki White, 12th Moon Present invitation upon arrival

“It’s almost like a destination wedding!” Hitomi says. “Will you come? Please? Only Mom and my brother can come, and you know Sota hates this sort of thing.”

The things Yukari does for Hitomi. “Of course I will,” she says. But before Hitomi can relax too much, she reaches across the table and grabs her best friend’s hands, digging in just a little too hard. “But Hitomi, for once, don’t lie to me about this: where on earth is Van even from?”

Hitomi gives a little hiccup of a laugh and refuses to meet Yukari’s eyes. “So, funny story…”

——

“You owe me so much cake, Kanzaki Hitomi.”

“I promise, at least one at the wedding!”

“Each wedding.”

[animeniacss]

6 Years - Hoseok x Reader - Chapter 30 - The Trial

Synopsis: 6 years. That’s all it can take to take another look at someone and see that they have completely changed. You were once an eager 20-year-old, with your dreams all in view, and Jung Hoseok at your side to view them with you. However, after a break up the end of your junior year of college, everything seemed different. Now, you’re a recently divorced single mother of two, and your life is nowhere near what you thought it would be. However, after reuniting with Jung Hoseok, you may just be able to capture a little bit of that exciting youth you once knew so long ago.

Feat. BTS Members, Nayeon (TWICE), and Yuna (itzy) 

Genre: Romance, SingleMother!AU, Past Relationship, Drama, Some Depictions of Violence/Domestic Abuse

Length: approx. 4.9k words 

Chapter 30 - The Trial 

           Weong-Bin stood in front of the mirror in the men’s room. He was in the massive courthouse, his lawyer standing beside him as he watched Weong-Bin check his jumpsuit a few times. There was nothing to look at, it was just a plain beige prison outfit that he had to wear in the courtroom, but he wanted some time to think before going in. The day he was waiting for had finally begun, and he was looking forward to seeing how the trial would play out with everything that had happened. As he smoothed out his shirt, he thought back to the morning of the fires.

           “Did you hear?” He overheard one guy whisper. When Weong-Bin looked over, he saw a plump guy, a murderer who was imprisoned for life, chatting with a few friends. “Apparently an apartment and a kid’s dance studio were set on fire by someone.”

           “That’s fucking wild, man. Do they know who did it?”

           “No clue. Apparently, the house that the fire was started in had two kids in it and their mom. And her boyfriend.”

           “Aw shit, kids? Man.” He heard another guy let out a deep sigh. “I got kids. Their father must be panicked.”

           “No idea. I got a peek at the last newspaper before they were all taken. I’m gonna see if someone will let me borrow theirs when they’re done.” The fat man said.

           “Doubt it, but it worth a shot. Keep us updated, will ya?”

           As Weong-Bin scoffed to himself, he gave one last look in the mirror.

           “Ready?” His lawyer asked, motioning to the cops who were waiting beside him to escort him into the room. Weong-Bin looked over, a smirk forming on his face as he nodded.

           “Yeah. Sorry, I took so long, I’m a bit nervous.” His lawyer patted him on the back as the two of them exited the room, the cops following behind as they made their way to their waiting spot. The courtroom was bustling with curious individuals, and Weong-Bin recognized a few familiar faces. He saw Seokjin and Jungkook, wearing nice suits as he stood by one of the doors, conversing with two other boys. He recognized Min Yoongi instantly, who he thought looked the same as he did when they first met in high school. There was another man in glasses as well, but he honestly couldn’t recognize him. They seemed pretty relaxed; despite the situation, they were about to witness. As he continued to look around, his eyes fell on his ex-mother in law and father in law, as well as Taehyung. The three of them were sitting on a bench, your mother in the arms of her husband. It looked as if she had been crying. Park Jimin stood beside Taehyung, talking with the prosecutor of the case, as he was expected to testify. It seemed most of the people he recognized were expected to testify, but what did they know? They had a suspicion at most, he wasn’t worried. As he continued to look around, more people began filing into the hallway, some even heading into the courtroom to find the best seats.

           “Let’s get inside.” His lawyer said simply. Weong-Bin nodded, getting ready to follow him when his attention was alerted to the sound of a nearby door opening. Glancing over, he watched as you walked out. You were wearing a navy-blue dress, where the skirt fell to your knees and the sleeves stopped right at your elbows. It was a dress that showed skin, but not a lot. One that showed off how pretty you were, yet still left something to the imagination of others. Weong-Bin snickered, causing his lawyer to turn around and see what his client was now staring at. When he did, he saw you had stopped in front of them, staring straight ahead. He blinked, staring straight back at you as his mind began to wander once again.

           The same morning that he had heard the inmates gossiping about the fires, was the same morning he woke up early, wanting to make sure he was one of the people who snagged a newspaper. They only supplied a few, so it could be difficult to read up on the daily news if you were not a morning person. Weong-Bin sat himself down, flipping open the paper to see the headline.

           APARTMENT AND LOCAL DANCE STUDIO SET ABLAZE WITHIN THE SAME HOUR IN SEOUL!

           As Weong-Bin continued to read, he was looking for a certain part of the article. Injuries and casualties.

           “The fire was starting in the apartment of Miss. Cho, 27, a single mother who lived with her boyfriend,  Jung Hoseok, 27, and two children, aged 5 and 3. The blaze was set around midnight, 45 minutes after the dance studio was ablaze less than 2 miles away. All those who were in the apartment building made it out safely, and the Cho family was raced to the hospital for their wounds to be treated...” Weong-Bin felt his fists grip the paper when his eyes scanned that line in particular. He looked up, scanning the room of inmates and guards who were watching. He saw Officer Song standing by one of the doors, hands at his sides. He wasn’t focused on Weong-Bin right now but instead focused on scanning for any troubling behavior.

           “…Fuck…” Weong-Bin scoffed, crumpling the newspaper and tossing it aside. Behind him, that same fat inmate had seen it, and got out of his seat, grabbing the paper and bringing it to his friends to show. Weong-Bin let out a shaky breath.

           “…Wait…It says here that the victims were….” When the fat man and his friends looked up, they saw Weong-Bin shoot out of his seat.

           “I need to make a phone call!” He snapped. “My children and wife are attacked and I find out through a newspaper article!? Give me a phone!”

           “We should go…” The lawyer quickly said to the cops, making Weong-Bin return from his flashback. He hadn’t gotten any more information that day, at least not from you, as he still was unable to contact you. The information he was given was passed down from the nurse to a guard, and then finally to him. He tried to act like the concerned husband and father, tearing up and begging to see or even talk to them, however, you all were resting, and he was denied. “Come on, Weong-Bin…”

“Right…” He said. However, before they could escort Weong-Bin away, you quickly walked up to them. The lawyer turned back around.

“Uh, Miss. Cho, you can’t-.”

           “Please.” You begged. The lawyer hesitated, but however, he looked at the cops and nodded. They stepped back slightly, watching and waiting to continue their jobs. You finally looked back at Weong-Bin, who looked down at his restraints on his hands.

           “…I’d hug you if I could.” He said, smiling. “I’m glad you’re all okay.” He looked around. “Where are the girls?”

           “Yuna is watching them. Min Ja won’t be testifying anymore after what happened, she’s too shaken up. We’ve been staying at Taehyung’s house.” You explained simply.

           “Well, I’m just glad you’re all safe.” He said simply. You pursed your lips together, and Weong-Bin looked you over. “Nice dress. I always wanted you to wear it when I bought it.” You looked down, smoothing out the sides of it just slightly with one of your hands. “…Looks like it’s gotten a bit tight, though. Around the stomach.” Just as your hand wiped some dirt off of the side, you gripped the fabric around your fingers. “It has been a few years since I bought it, though. Don’t worry, you look lovely.”

           “…I forgot it was you who bought it.” You admitted, looking up at him. “I’m glad it was worn once…before I burn it.” Weong-Bin frowned. You let out a deep breath. “You looked kind of surprised to see me when I walked out of the bathroom just now. Why was that?”

           “I figured you’d still be in the hospital. But you’ve always been so…tough, I guess?” Deciding to end it there, he turned on his heels, he looked at the cops. “We should get going.” He said, before following them off. As he passed Taehyung, he glanced over and saw that he had a dark glare in his face. “…Fix that look, little bro. You look like a murderer~.” He said, before finally walking out of sight. Taehyung scoffed.

           “That prick.” He huffed.

           “Don’t start.” Jimin said gently, crossing his arms as the prosecutor approached you. You were gripping the strap of your pocketbook, trying to keep your breath steady.

           “You’ll be just fine.” She assured. “Ready?” You nodded, smiling a bit, before following her inside. Looking over your shoulder, you saw everyone else was following you inside, and a few familiar smiling faces helped boost your confidence up as everyone took their seats, and the judge entered the room.

           The the trial was long. The prosecutor and the defense lawyer were taking their arguments and the evidence, trying to use whatever they could to make sure that the judge saw their point of view, that Weong-Bin was a violent abuser, or that he was a man with a temper who needed counseling, not jail time. As you listened, Taehyung sat at your side, his hand gripping yours tightly, hoping that he could silently help keep you calm when he knew you needed it the most. You couldn’t help yourself from staring at Weong-Bin from time to time, eyes diverting to him to see if he would have any type of reaction to mentions of physical evidence such as photos of bruises, documentation of police visits to the house over the years, and of course, the testimony of those who knew Weong-Bin and yourself. Every person that testified against Weong-Bin, his lawyer had something to say to them. Jimin was first.

“I saw him have my co-worker, Jung Hoseok, pinned against the wall of my dance studio. He was yelling his face and threatening for him to end the relationship with his ex-wife.”

“Then where’s the video footage of this alleged altercation?” The lawyer asked. “You must have had video footage of this if you’re making a claim so bold. Threatening is serious.” Jimin frowned, eyes falling into his lap.

“I did keep the footage for something like this. But my dance studio and all the footage burned down a few nights ago.” The lawyer let out what he tried to pass off as a sympathetic sigh.

“I’m sorry that happened, Mr. Park. However, without evidence, is there any other way you can prove this event occurred? How do we know you’re not making something up to protect your friends?”

“��Because I’m not?” Jimin raised an eyebrow. The lawyer nodded.

“That’s not good enough, Mr. Park.” His lawyer said as he returned to his seat, and Jimin was excused.

Jungkook was up next. The kid sat straight up on the witness stand, hands clasped together as he tried to look at professional and stoic as he could.  

“I would always see that he kept calling her phone at work. When she wouldn’t answer, there were a few times he would show up outside the building.” He explained. “I would try to stay and make sure she was alright because I had a funny feeling about him, but she never let me.”

“A funny feeling?” The lawyer asked. “Well if she sent you away, she must not have needed you. She must have…felt safe.”

“I guess…” he said, tilting his head. “But still-.”

“So, is it possible you were blowing these feelings out of proportion because you…felt some type of way of Miss. Cho yourself?” Jungkook’s ears turned a bright red, and the lawyer chuckled.

“I guess so. But I know what I saw and she always looked uncomfortable when he would bother her all the time.” The lawyer nodded.

“Maybe in your rose-tinted glasses, she did. But you can’t even know how she really feels unless she tells you herself. Evidence A and B, of the records of the calls and him outside the work building during her shifts, only show he was trying to contact her about something, and she kept hanging up. There’s really no conversation for us to determine why he was calling her in the first place.”

“But-.”

“That’s all. Thank you, Mr. Jeon.” You watched Jungkook get up off the stand, guilt written all over his face. When he sat down behind you, you quickly turned and lifted your hand out, patting his shoulder as Jin rubbed his back supportively.

“Sorry, Noona…” he said. “He twisted my words.”

“You did fine.” You whispered softly. “Okay?”

When Taehyung and your parents testified about the bruises and the decrease in your behavior since entering the relationship, the lawyer was sure to mention that they never once called these suspicions into the authorities, probably due to lack of evidence. This lawyer was good at twisting the words of others to suit the needs of his client. It was his job, but that didn’t make him just as slimy as the people he worked for. Watching your friends take the stand in your defense only to be pissed off and intimidated by this man, it made you feel as if you were drowning in guilt.

           “I don’t like how you’re twisting my words.” Taehyung said simply. “I said I never called the authorities because my sister always told me there was nothing wrong.”

           “…So, you just confessed that she even identified as nothing ever being wrong?” The lawyer asked.

           “She was lying.” Taehyung hissed. The lawyer smirked.

           “I see… Thank you, Mr. Kim.” He said, walking back to his seat. Taehyung grimaced as he was excused, returning to his seat.

           “I’m sorry…” he said softly, looking at you. You quickly shook your head, lifting a hand up to pat his curly black head of hair. He sighed, crossing his arms. Finally, the prosecutor stood up.

           “Our the last witness is Miss. Cho herself.” She said. You felt all hands of friends around you pat your back supportively as you stood up, smoothing out your skirt as you slowly made your way towards the witness stand to sit down. The view from this angle of the courtroom was much different. You saw everyone’s faces, staring directly at you as they waited to hear what you were going to say. Jin and Jungkook did as they promised, offering kind smiles from their seats for you to turn to if nerves got the best of you. Taehyung was gripping your mother’s hand tightly, and she was clinging to her husband. Weong-Bin, he stood with a completely still face, but as he had most of the trial. He didn’t even look at you, he just stared straight ahead.

           When the prosecutor approached you, she asked you all the same questions that she had during your times practicing. You answered with the truth. Weong-Bin’s abuse was gradual at first, at first mean words and comments that you would simply brush off, yet they would linger in your mind until you change yourself the way Weong-Bin wanted. Once you were in his clutches with a baby, the physical assaults would happen when you did something he didn’t like. Cooked the wrong dinner? He would hit you across the face. Come home late? He would hit you. If Min Ja wasn’t wearing a cut enough outfit to a party or get together, he would hit you. When you wanted a job!? That was the first time he hit you more than once in a row. When you got that job, and kept it even though the second pregnancy? The first time he kicked you. After that, the abuse got worse and worse, on top of all the evidence of his infidelity leading up to the divorce. And of course, even after the divorce, his hands were sure to remain on you. You never told anyone, because you thought it was always a one-shot thing. You thought it was something you had deserved because he molded you to think that way. Plus, none of these left scars, so maybe it really wasn’t what people claimed they were seeing. For the longest time, it wasn’t abused for you.

           It was normal behavior.

           You felt your heartbeat slow just a bit as the prosecutor thanked you and took her seat. That was only for a moment though, because it picked right back up again when you heard a chair push back, and footsteps approach you. Looking up, you saw Weong-Bin’s lawyer with his arms at his sides.  

           “Before you said that you were going through a tough time when Weong-Bin and you first entered a relationship. Is that true?”      

           “Yeah. When we first got back together, he helped make me feel better.” You said. The lawyer nodded, rubbing his chin. You took a shaky breath.

           “…Are you a liar, Miss. Cho?” he asked. You raised an eyebrow.

           “A…a liar?” You asked curiously.

           “Before, your step-brother said that you lied to him about the abuse you claim you were facing at the hands of my client.”

           “I was scared. He was financially supporting us and I had two kids. I regret lying, but I did at the time.”

           “Is there anything else you have lied about regarding your family or my client?” He asked curiously. You blinked.

           “…No?” you asked curiously.

           “Really?” he asked. You watched him walk back over to his table and pull out a piece of paper. “Your Honor, I’d like to submit evidence 14A to the court.” You watched him pull out a small packet of papers. “Detailing the miscarriage Miss. Cho experienced approximately 7 years ago, right before reentering a relationship with my client.” Your eyes widened, and it felt as if your heartbeat now completely stopped. Whispers were heard in the courtroom, and your eyes immediately lifted to see the reaction of your family. They were stunned and turned to each other. You couldn’t hear them, but it seemed they were asking one another if they had previously known, but of course, all three of them shook their heads. Your vision of them blurred just slightly because tears were welling up in your eyes. You couldn’t even look at Jin or Jungkook, worried they would no longer have expressions of support on their faces for you. The prosecutor looked stunned as well, sitting back in her seat as she tried to process this new information. The lawyer looked at you, seeing the now distraught state you were in. “Miss. Cho never disclosed about her alleged abuse, much like she didn’t even disclose about her miscarriage to her family. The father, Jung Hoseok, her current boyfriend, didn’t even know about it. Miss. Cho is a liar. She was a liar then, in fear of being shunned as an unwed mother, and she is lying now in hopes of defaming my client, who, at the time of her miscarriage, was the only one who knew and still treated her with only kindness. Isn’t that true, Miss. Cho?”

           “Stop.” You begged, covering your mouth.

           “Answer the question, Miss. Cho.” He snapped. “My client is at risk of imprisonment for your overexaggerated lies. If you couldn’t even convey a miscarriage to your family, what would stop you from creating abuse allegations towards your ex-husband? My evidence showed he paid his child support on time, took excellent care of his girls when they were in his care, and attended every needed school meeting, dance recital, anything, still in their lives. My client simply wants to clear up any misinformation spread about him by his ex-wife, and wants to understand what he did to deserve it.” He looked back at you. “Well, Miss. Cho?”

           “He said it was my fault that baby died, you called that kind!?” You snapped, your face beat red and soaking wet. “Yes, he was nice to me at first. Once I started dating him again, he began saying ‘It’s your fault it died,’ ‘You should’ve listened to me and aborted it,’ and other horrible stuff. I never told anyone because he manipulated me into silence. You had no right to bring that up here!”

           “Of course, I did.” He said. “I did my work, got all the warrants, and all the testimony from the doctors who dealt with the miscarriage. It proves my point, that you’re a liar and a manipulator that only wants to defame my client. What’s your reasoning?”

           “He’s a bastard!” You sobbed. “I can’t tell you the hell I went through married to him and even after I filed for divorce and got my kids out of that stupid house. I can’t tell you how awful my life was, has been, and always will be because of what he did to me. My boyfriend is in the hospital now, and I bet you Weong-Bin is thrilled about it!” The lawyer walked up to the little witness stand you were on, and slammed his hand against the table, making you jump as you tried to wipe your eyes.

           “I have already acknowledged my client is not a fan of your boyfriend so maybe you’re right. But even if that were true, that would still make my client more honest then you are.” He said simply.

“That’s enough!” The prosecutor shouted. “This is harassment, Your Honor!” With that done, the lawyer stepped back.

“I’m done. Thank you, Miss. Cho.” He said simply, before walking back to his table. The room was silent after that, other than you trying to muffle your sobs behind your hands. Finally, the prosecutor sighed.

“May we have a brief recess?” she asked. The judge nodded.

“Yes. I want both of you in my chambers. Now. We will reconvene after 10 minutes while I review this new evidence.” With the slam of his gavel, you shot up from your seat. Taking hold of your purse, you made a beeline out of the courtroom.

“Noona!” Taehyung shouted, jumping up out of his seat. “Wait!” He was quick to follow after you, your parents not to far behind. Jungkook, Jin, and Jimin all shared absolutely stunned looked, while Yoongi and Namjoon were already up and out of the room, both of them frantically using their phones to contact Hoseok at the hospital.  

“HEY!” Taehyung shouted, trying to maneuver through people in hopes of getting to you. He saw you at the elevator, frantically pushing the button as if that would make it come quicker. “Noona! Hey!” Just as the doors opened, he grabbed hold of you. You were quick to shake him off.          

“Please, leave me alone. I want to go home.” You begged, stepping into the elevator and slamming your finger on the button to the first floor. When Taehyung tried to follow, you immediately pushed him out. “Don’t! God, please!”

“Noona-.”

“I didn’t want you to find out this way, I swear.” You sniffled, wiping your eyes. Taehyung once again tried to follow you in, but the doors closed, separating the two of you as you began to descend to the first floor. Taehyung’s fist slammed at the door.

“Noona! Noona, wait!” He groaned in annoyance, turning to see his parent’s approach. “Damn it. I’ll catch her.” With that, he raced towards the stairs, using all of his strength and stamina to meet you at the bottom.

When the bell dinged for your stop, you flew off the elevator and hurried out of the courtroom. You heard Taehyung shouting for you as soon as you exited the front doors, but you didn’t care. Looking around, you made your way down the steps of the courthouse, trying to see if there was a taxi or something nearby. Luckily, one was at the end of the street, and you hurried over to it. Taehyung was your transportation here, so other than him, you had no way of getting home without asking someone who would bring up today’s events. You didn’t want that. You couldn’t handle it.

When you reached the taxi, frantic hands slammed on the window until the man driving rolled it down. He noticed your distressed demeanor, and his eyes widened.

“Miss, what’s-?” Before he got to finish, you opened the back door and jumped in. When he turned to face you, you simply wiped your eyes and gave him the address through shaky tears. “Okay, okay.” He said, turning on the cab. As he pulled onto the street, he saw Taehyung race onto the street, looking around frantically. “Woah. Isn’t that Kim Taehyung, the model?” he asked, mostly to himself. You sniffled. “Wonder who he’s looking for.”

“It’s me. Please drive.” You begged again, whimpering as you covered your face. The man hummed, finally driving off. He saw Taehyung look in their direction, but just miss them as the cab driver drove off into the traffic of Seoul’s streets.

--------------------------------

“How are we doing on the prints of that lighter fluid found on the scene?” Myung-Dae asked, looking at his squad who was in charge of the case. The group looked up, sifting through papers and pictures of the scene from camera footage as well as suspects they had so far. “And what’s going on with those phone records?”

“I called the prison. Apparently, Weong-Bin made a lot of phone calls so they’re making sure that they get everything complied accurately.” Chun-Hei explained.

“Well, tell them to hurry up or something. We need to know now.” Myung-Dae huffed. Chun-Hei nodded as she hurried to her desk, picking up the phone. “I wonder how it’s going at the courthouse.”

“Apparently, Weong-Bin’s defense attorney exposed a hidden miscarriage Miss. Cho had been concealing for years.” One of the other detectives said. Myung-Dae’s eyes widened. “She ran out of the courtroom in a panic.” She motioned to the activity going on over social media over it, from some others who were in the audience. Myung-Dae walked over to her, taking her phone to get a better look. “Since her brother’s a popular model, apparently a few fans gathered around the courtroom. He rushed out after her.”

“…I need to call her.” He said, handing the phone back to his detective as he hurried to grab his own cell phone. “If anything comes up with evidence, let me know.” His team called out in understanding as they got back to work. Myung-Dae hurried out of the precinct. “Unbelievable. She didn’t need this to happen.” He muttered to himself as he waited for her to answer.

------------------------------

While Myung-Dae was trying to call, you ignored each and every one. When the taxi got to Taehyung’s house, you tossed him a bill that might have been way more than you owed, but you weren’t in the mood to find exact change. You had stopped hysterical crying on the car ride, instead just whimpering and sniffling as you thought back to what had just happened.

You’re a liar, aren’t you? How do we know you’re not lying about the abuse, too?

Just thinking that a person could even try and pass that off as possible, it made you sick. As you got out of the car, you heard his voice.

“Be safe, Miss. I’m not sure what’s wrong, but I hope it works out.” He said. You turned to him, wiping your eyes. Your nod of understanding and thanks made him smile before he drove off down the road. You sniffled, looking down at your phone to see Myung-Dae’s name. Turning it off, you hurried into the house.

“Mommy’s home!” Min Ja shouted, grinning. You saw Yuna look up from the TV, where Frozen was playing. As your daughter approached you, she stopped. “Mommy? Where you crying?” She asked. You sniffled, putting a hand on her head gently.

“Yuna…can you just stay a while longer?” you asked softly. Yuna blinked.

“Of course…” she said. “Is everything okay?” she asked, her gaze following you as you hurried into your bedroom.

“What’s wrong with Mommy, Yuna?” Min Ja asked curiously. Yuna smiled.

“It’s been a long day, I’m sure.” She said. “Let’s just let her rest and watch the movie, okay?” As she un-paused the movie, she looked to the bedroom, seeing the door close and hearing it lock.

---------------------

“Ugh. She isn’t answering.” Myung-Dae huffed, deciding to give up after 6 missed calls. “She must be absolutely embarrassed and destroyed.” As he finally decided to head back inside, he saw his staff scrambling around the table. “What’s going on?”

“Boss! We just got all of the evidence in. Come look at this!” As Myung-Dae hurried over, he saw the small SD Card that held all of Weong-Bin’s phone conversations, a list of those phone conversation lengths as well as the numbers that they went with. Well, only one number, each time. The prints were also there, providing a name and face, as well as basic information on whoever was holding the lighter, which they found at the apartment and at the dance studio.

“…See if this phone number belongs to the owner of the prints. Now.” Myung-Dae said, as his group scrambled away to their computers. Myung-Dae sat down, picking up the paper on the individual, a smirk on his face. “We got you, you little prick.” He hissed, tossing the paper back onto the table.

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[toooldforfandom-liveblogs]

She-Ra and the Princesses of Power S01E10 - The Beacon

My first thought after reading that title is "oh, the distress beacon Entrapta had in her castle." Maybe that's how they are going to find out she's alive? If it's even something that'll be dealt with this season. If it isn't that... hmm, I'm not sure what else it could be. Maybe something related to Glimmer's blocked powers? Or something related to She-Ra's powers?

I have no idea so let's do this!

I'm not sure what to think here. While in a practical sense she's right (why group the most important/powerful people in the world in one strike team instead of y'know using actual warfare and soldiers as a distraction), I doubt the show agrees with her.

I'm guessing there's some context that I'm missing, maybe whatever happened to the previous Princess Alliance was in part because they were together?

Well, this is a cheery way to start the episode.

Welp, everything they achieved during the season has been completely destroyed. I doubt Glimmer and Adora are going to blame each other but there's definitely going to be some self-blaming. Adora because of her plan, Glimmer for being captured.

Oof. Just oof.

lol at the mood whiplash between heavy emotions and defeat and this op

Ah, a precious new glimmer face that doesn't involve torture.

"nevermind, please carry me and let's not talk until next year"

That hesitance before saying loss is them reading through their Netflix contract figuring out if they can say death or not.

It's weird how they are both treating Entrapta's loss as serious business but also kinda lightly? I guess it makes sense if we consider no one really knew Entrapta so she's more like a long lost cousin than anything else. I'd still expect more... insistence from Angella though, Entrapta _did_ die saving her daughter.

Sure.

This is another one of those cases where I'm both thinking "this is really dumb" but also "it makes a ton of sense." From outside, this is the worst possible decision Glimmer could make right now, Angella has a lot more resources than they have to help her.

But, I completely understand _why_ Glimmer is being like that. It's one more excuse for her mom to keep overprotecting her and trying to escape that has been Glimmer's major motivation this season.

I have the feeling that recharging is going to make it worse since it means more energy to glitch out.

Can't believe Undyne Undertale works for the horde.

secret giggling Catra in the back

I'm glad that they went this way, with the flip-side of "takes all your credit" being "takes all the blame"

heeello there entrapta. Wow your death didn't last much at all.

nice callback to "Didn't you do something like this to relax in the horde?" "Uh, no. We hit things."

This is probably the one way Adora has to manage her stress.

welp

Can't believe this show is going to make me feel bad about angella.

Scorpia is an absolute treasure.

And now Catra meeting Entrapta in the Princess Ball has a reason. Because she already knows who she is, her first reaction is not to try and attack her but rather just a sigh because well, dealing with entrapta is worth a sigh.

Huh, that's an interesting tidbit to drop just like that. So Angella is immortal, is _Glimmer_ immortal too? How long has Angella lived? Long enough to have met the first ones?

Adora really needs to visit a therapist.

...ripe? What are they?

I bet this episode was the one reason they had to make it so high.

Of course she'd say that, it's a chance to see She-Ra in action _and_ to get healed. Win-win.

My brain is breaking while trying to figure out how Entrapta's hair works. Wouldn't making that second "tentacle" be enough to make the hair thin enough to escape? If she can make that second tentacle wouldn't it be incredibly easy to just move all her hair out of the shackles?

It's always refreshing to see "villains" that actually care for each other.

Catra is really good at manipulating people, probably thanks to Shadow Weaver's example, but the way she's using her own experiences makes it even better/worse.

Also interesting that they are hiding Entrapta's face.

The thing with Catra is that I can't tell when she's being honest. I _think_ she's genuinely sympathizing with Entrapta while at the same time planning how to use her. Like with Scorpia, she empathized with her but she also had a reason to do it. I wonder if that duality is going to cause her problems later on.

oh no, you're making me feel bad about Entrapta now.

my heart

I'm still thinking about that one picture with her and some robots that seemed to be taking the place of her parents. How many times has she been "left behind"?

Catra thinks she's being all evil and manipulative while Scorpia in the back is just going "yeah, that sounds right, worked for me"

I doubt Catra _wants_ to be protected but Scorpia is _such_ a good friend.

For some reason I don't really mind Entrapta joining the horde, I'm just hoping that they don't take advantage of her. That sounds weird but Scorpia _is_ happy there, why not Entrapta? There's always time for a heel-face turn later on.

She-Ra being a dork with super powers is one of the best parts of her entire character.

Can't wait to see Glimmer turned into a rainbow.

I'm never going to get sick of this joke.

Interesting. So the Horde doesn't know about the first ones? That seems wrong. I'm guessing they are actively blocking info about it and they actually want to destroy it.

Oh, the tower. With three episodes left maybe the finale is going to be there?

Yeah, I love this joke.

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh. Even if it's true, that still gets an "ugh" from me, especially after that "I won't apologize" line.

Wait, what? Protect Bow? Oooooh, is Bow supposed to be her bodyguard?

I didn't expect the self-blame party to include Bow.

What with princesses liking arson. First RWBY and now She-Ra.

She's trying so hard to reconnect. I'm not a parent myself (thankfully) but I think everyone can at least understand the struggle to understand and connect with someone who seems to be pulling away.

Glimmer has some valid reasons to be doing it (teenager + being overprotected is a pretty bad combination) but I can't fault Angella too much for trying to do everything she can.

Of course, like most problems, it could get solved by talking, maybe this dinner is a chance?

Oof.

Wow.

I knew Glimmer had some issues with her self-esteem but damn, I didn't expect _this_. I guess this is the disadvantage of having an immortal parent who's also a queen. High expectations to live up to, self-imposed or not.

Daaaaaaaamn. Was it in battle or did Micah die rescuing her? It'd be an interesting parallel to Glimmer's kidnapping.

And, I hadn't really thought about this but, Micah being dead is a pretty good reason for Angella's "helicopter mom" tendencies.

Oooooooh, that's worse than I thought. And it explains why she's been mostly reactive in the war with Glimmer being the one who wants to take a more active role.

I'm still curious about what exactly happened in that battle and afterward. Have we heard how long was the first alliance? I can't remember, but it has to be less than 20 years ago considering Glimmer's age (unless she's also immortal and 300 years old)

Are Netossa and Spinerella also immortal? That'd explain why they look the same in the mural.

Aw, that got me teary-eyed a bit. It's probably not the end of their problems but they've at least started talking.

Lots of guilt all around

I was going to say "WHY DID YOU THROW AWAY THE SWORD" but there it is.

Vulnerability seems to be the theme of this episode. Or rather, choosing to be vulnerable or not.

The alliance is gone, Entrapta’s death is too much to bear and the princesses choose to all return to their own respective kingdoms, literally closing themselves off the world in the case of Frosta and Mermista.

We don’t see what happens with them afterward but everything that follows is about how that seems to be the worst choice to make.

Entrapta decides to help Catra not because she’s evil or wants revenge but because she finally feels understood. Would she have turned so easily if she _really_ believed in her new friends? How long has she lived alone in that castle? How many times has she been left behind or branded a problem because of her behavior? Sure, she usually acts like she doesn‘t care but that doesn‘t mean it‘s true.

Catra’s intentions are definitely not pure but she’s speaking from her own experiences and that’s enough to make the princess relate to her.

The opposite happens with Shadow Weaver. She refuses to be vulnerable and apologize, choosing to feed Catra a line with how it was all to prepare her. All this achieves is to alienate her further.

On the other side of the war, Glimmer spends the entire episode trying to avoid her mom, but it’s only after her insecurities explode and Angella opens up with her own that they can start mending their relationship and fix Glimmer’s glitching.

Adora is the clearest example, it takes dropping her defenses and revealing her self-doubt to herself and the world before the forest lets her through to the Beacon.

The best thing about all of this is that the episode didn’t beat me over the head with the “moral” of the episode. Besides Perfuma’s words, it’s all in how the characters act and the consequences. It has faith in the viewer to get it and that’s pretty neat.

Some jumbled thoughts:

* I’m not a big fan of diagnosing characters of real-life stuff but I wonder if Entrapta was written to be neurodivergent on purpose instead of just being an excuse to make her funny/frustrating.

* Bow seems to be the only one handling things more or less okay (even before they talk things out) but who knows, maybe he’s bottling it all up to explode in the future.

* I’m trying to guess what will happen next. They have to heal Glimmer and fix up the Alliance but neither of those things seems finale worthy. Maybe Angella is going to attack the Horde? There’s also the question of what’s going to happen with Adora and Catra, maybe another vision revealing more of what it all means?

* How long before the Princesses find out that Entrapta is alive? It’s probably going to be pretty sad, twice. First, when they find out they abandoned her in enemy territory and second when they realize she doesn’t want to go back with them.

I think that’s all for now, until next time!

[thehomeforthehopelessromantics]

It’s Always Been Me and You: Part 2

Monday...

(C/N) POV

He saw you in the halls at school. You were at your locker, grabbing your stuff for your lit class. You had your hair up in a ponytail and were wearing a red, white and black striped sweater with a pair of overalls on top.

Cautiously, he approached you. He had no idea how you would respond to him and the anxiety of it was enough to shake him to the core.

“H-Hey.”

You continued grabbing and putting stuff away like you hadn’t even heard him.

“Love?”

You slammed your locker shut, grabbed your bag and left without saying a word or even sparing him a glance. He watched your figure as you got further and further from him, coming to a terrible realization.

You were giving him the silent treatment.

***

Thursday...

(C/N) POV

“You have reached the voicemail of...” Groaning, he ended the call and slammed the phone down on his bed next to him. This was his 10th time calling you today and every time you sent him to voicemail.

Refusing to give up, he opened up messages and shot you a text.

‘Love, I know you’re still mad at me, but it’s almost Friday. Are we still gonna be together this weekend?’

‘Please answer me..’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘I miss you.’

***

Saturday...

(C/N) POV

(C/N) lied in bed all day, staring at a picture of the two of you on his phone. It was a picture of the two of you on his 18th birthday a few months ago. You had smeared frosting onto his cheek and were licking it off of him. It was by far the funniest picture the two of you had together, but right now it was just making him sad since he didn’t know if he would have that with you again. Tears welled up in his eyes the longer he stared and before long he found himself full on sobbing.

His mother came into his room, sensing that something was very wrong. She knew that you didn’t come over last weekend and that he was still at home this weekend.

Upon entering she found her beloved baby boy, face down in a pile of pillows, clutching them desperately as the sobs overtook his body.

Without a second thought, she came and brought him to her chest, rocking him slightly, while his hands cling to the fabric of her dress. Hot tears stained the front of her dress, but she couldn’t‘ve even cared less at that moment. Her son was hurting and needed her.

“I... I screwed up so... so bad, mom.” He mumbled between sobs. He wanted to stop crying, he wanted to pull himself together but he just couldn’t. His best friend in the whole world wouldn’t speak to him and it was beginning to feel like he was dying without you.

***

Sunday...

He tried calling you 20 times. He never got a response.

***

Monday...

You wouldn’t even let him get close to you at school.

***

Saturday...

(C/N) POV

You two had fought before. Yelled nasty thing at each other for hours. You’d both been vicious and cruel and yet still managed to work it out. This time it seemed like working it out was out of the picture. For two straight weeks, (C/N) had tried to talk to you. Call, text, at school-- nothing. You wouldn’t even look at him anymore.

Today, he decided that enough was enough and that you were gonna talk to him whether you liked it or not. He couldn’t keep going like this. You were his best friend and right now it was feeling like he lost you and it was killing him. He tried being around Lilith a bit more, hoping that it would help, but ultimately it made him feel worse. 

And it wasn’t because Lilith wasn’t fun or interesting-- she was. She was that and so much more. She was a gymnast and student body president at her school. She volunteered at an animal shelter and was kind and sure of herself.

She was all that (C/N) could’ve asked for in a girl and yet the only thing (C/N) could think was that she wasn’t you. 

He needed to fix things with you as soon as humanly possible. 

Working up the nerve, he finally got out of his car that he’d been sitting in for 15 minutes now. He walked up to your door and knocked. 

As the door opened the apology started falling off his lips, “(Y/N), I’m so sorry for-” He quickly realized it wasn’t you at the door, but your older brother, Ace. 

“Hey, don’t stop on my account. I’m sure (Y/N) can hear you from wherever she is right about now.” 

“Ace?”

“Surprised?” he said, breaking out into a boyish grin. “Her birthday is coming up and I have a break from classes so I figured I’d come to surprise her. She has no clue I’m here yet. Did you really think I was gonna miss it?” 

“N-No, I just wasn’t expecting you to open the door.” (C/N)’s cheeks turned red with embarrassment. “Where is she?”  “She went somewhere with our parents. They made sure she was out of the house so I could come.” Ace said calmly as he crossed his arms over his chest. “Now why exactly are you showing up at the front door, apologizing profusely? You and the little monster get into a fight?” 

(C/N) nodded his head slowly, looking down at his feet. “I messed up really bad, Ace. I have no idea how I’m gonna fix it.” 

Ace paused for a moment before gesturing for (C/N) to come in. “I’ll tell mom and dad to keep her out longer.”

They sat down in the dining room and (C/N) began to explain exactly what had happened between them. By the time he was done explaining, Ace had clenched his jaw.

“She has every right to be pissed at you,” Ace scowled. “That was a real a-hole thing to say.”  “I know it was. I just..” (C/N) sighed and ran his hand over his face. “It was in the heat of the moment, I didn’t mean it. Now, I can’t even get her to be around me long enough to tell her I’m sorry.”  

“Do you know why you still want to be friends with her?” Ace asked, knowing that he should be flipping the table and kicking (C/N) out because he hurt your feelings in a way that no one else could. But he didn’t, mainly because you weren’t the only one he watched grow up. It was you and (C/N), and Ace saw how happy being (C/N)’s friend made you. He also knew that the boy sitting next to him was deliriously in love with his best friend and that she was just as crazy about him. 

“Of course I do,” he said exasperatedly, letting his fingers absentmindedly fiddle with the friendship ring you’d given him two years ago. “She’s honest and loyal and one of the funniest people I’ve ever met. She doesn’t ever judge me and she always has my back.” A small smile appeared on his face as he spoke. “She’s the only person I can stay up all night talking to and still miss her the second we stop. I’ve never met someone that I just clicked with like that. I can’t remember what my life was like before her and I don’t wanna know what it’d be like without her by my side anymore. She’s my person.” 

5 years worth of memories flooded through (C/N)’s head, but he kept coming back to one specific night about a year ago.

The two of you were at his house and it was around 2 in the morning. You were cuddled on his bed-- him lying on the headboard and you on his chest, watching Shrek 2 with two empty tubs of ice cream next to you. Your eyes were trained on the movie, which made sense seeing as it was one of your favorites. His eyes on the other hand just wouldn’t leave you. His hands kept trailing up and down your arm, drawing light patterns on your skin with his fingertips. He could’ve stayed right there in that moment forever and he was sure he would’ve if you hadn’t jumped up and started singing along with the fairy godmother’s rendition of “I Need A Hero.” He watched you dance around his room in one of his shirts and he felt totally at peace. He loved when you wore his clothes. They were always far too big on you, but you didn’t care-- claiming you like the fact that it smelled like him— it made you feel safe and at home. You plopped down on the bed next to him when the song finished. With a huge, breathless smile on your face, you brought yourself up between his knees, your arms draped around his neck.   

In the most adorable voice he’s ever heard in his life you whispered, “Be my hero?” 

That was by far his favorite memory of you. It was also the first time he’d wished that he had the guts to kiss you. 

“What do I do, Ace?” 

“I honestly don’t know this time, kiddo,” Ace admitted. He usually knew what to do to help mend things between you two, but not this time. This wasn’t a ‘he ate my ice cream’ or a ‘she keeps stealing my clothes’ situation. This was about what he said, about this girl he’s been seeing and the unspoken feelings between you two. 

“Do you think she’ll forgive me?”

“I think she needs you almost as much as you need her.”

***

On (Y/N)’s birthday... 

(Y/N) POV

Your fingers hovered over the send button for a least five minutes before you just closed your phone entirely. You’d retyped the message a thousand times now.

‘Can we talk?’

‘Do you wanna come over?’

‘I miss you.’

‘I wish you were here.’

This was infuriating. You were still mad at him but today was your birthday and every other important person in your life was downstairs while (C/N) wasn’t.

You hadn’t heard from him all day and you honestly were missing him terribly over these past few weeks. You wanted him to at least be here, even if the two of you didn’t speak.

Deciding that you’d spent enough time pondering about if he was gonna show up tonight or if you should just call him, you stood and looked yourself over in the mirror.

You had on a quarter sleeve cold shoulder black mesh top, that was opaque over the breast but sheer everywhere else. Paired with a skater skirt and a pair of knee-high boots, you looked stunning and ready to take on the world. Turning on your heel, you opened your door and waltzed downstairs to see your family waiting for you.

You were gonna be okay regardless of whether or not (C/N) showed up.... Right?

***

You were sitting on the couch, under Ace’s arm, listening to your Aunt Delilah tell a story about the time she accidentally performed at a concert she wasn’t supposed to be at in the first place. You were okay. Sitting with your family, talking, laughing and eating. It was fun, but you couldn’t shake that feeling that had been gnawing at you all night.

(C/N) should be here. He’s family too.

As Aunt Delilah finished her story, her husband, Ricky, piped up. “Hey, sport, where’s your other half? Usually, we can’t get you two to stop talking long enough for Delilah to get through a story.” Everyone laughed as you tried to give a smile that probably looked more like a grimace.

“Umm, I think he’s-” you started but were quickly cut off by the sound of the doorbell. Furrowing your eyebrows you looked around. “Are any of you expecting anyone else?”

Murmurs of no went through your family as you stood up, going to answer the door. You left the living room and went through the dining hall and the kitchen in order to get to the door. Upon opening it your jaw just about hit the floor.

Standing in front of you was (C/N) in a black hoodie and jeans holding a huge bouquet of carnations— your favorite flowers.

“Happy Birthday, Love,” he said nervously. “I-I know you’re still mad at me and I shouldn’t have shown up here today, but I couldn’t help myself. I had to see you.” He handed you the flowers. You looked up at him and quirked an eyebrow. “You still won’t speak to me, huh? Jesus, I made a real mess out of things, didn’t I?”

He dropped his head to stare at his feet as he blinked back an oncoming wave of tears and shoved his hands in his pockets, shuffling anxiously, mentally preparing himself for you to tell him to go away or to throw the flowers back at him or to slam the door. His chest hurt just thinking about the endless ways you could get rid of him.

“Thank you,” you said and his head snapped up to you. “I didn’t think you were gonna show up.”

“And miss your birthday?” He asked incredulously. “I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.” He bit down on his lips as he looked at you. He could’ve cried he was so happy. You were speaking to him again.

Shifting your weight from one foot to the other you asked, “How are things with Lilith?” You kept a calm face but internally you were praying he said awful. You didn’t know if you could handle it if things were going well with her.

His eyebrows raised in surprise. Of all the things he thought you would say, he didn’t predict that one. A nervous chuckle left his lips. “Nonexistent as of recently.”

“Really? What happened?” You asked curiously, a small part of your foolishly hoping that it had something to do with you.

“She just... she wasn’t what I really wanted.” His eyes met yours as he spoke and a shiver went down your spine. You nodded your head slowly. “Can I... can we talk? Please? I really need to fix this.”

You shook your head and stepped back gesturing for him to come in. The two of you walked silently into the kitchen where you took a seat on a countertop and he leaned against the wall across from you, gnawing on his bottom lip. He’d prepared his apology at least a hundred times on the way here and now, with you in front of him, he couldn’t say one word.

“So, are we gonna talk or do you want a picture?” You said with an icy edge to your voice, breaking the silence. The tension in the room was driving you mad. The corners of his lips turned up ruefully.

“(Y/N).. I am so sorry for what I said. I didn’t mean a word of it-”

“Why did you say it then?” You had intended to let him finish what he was saying but the question had been plaguing you for weeks now and if you didn’t get an answer you were gonna scream.

“I...” his voice trailed off. “I don’t know. I know that’s not a good enough answer but it’s the truth. I don’t know why I said that or where that came from. You’re my best friend and I love you. These past few weeks without you have been the worst weeks of my life.” He pushed off the wall and came and stood a bit closer.

Not close enough.

“So, what? You say sorry and I’m supposed to pretend that you didn’t basically tell me that you don’t want to be friends with me anymore?” You furrowed your brows in frustration. You wanted to forgive him, you missed him like crazy, but he still hurt your feelings really badly and you didn’t want it to feel like what he said to you was okay.

“I don’t expect that at all,” he said honestly. “I honestly was expecting for you to raise hell when I showed up here in the first place. It’s totally fine if you’re still mad at me-- I’m still mad at me, just don’t shut me out anymore, please. I can’t take it. The silent treatment is killing me and I miss my best friend.” He stuck his bottom lip out in an adorable pout that he only brought out when he wanted something from you. It was totally unfair and he knew it but he was desperate. 

You let your shoulders drop as you let out a long sigh. You were trying to stay mad, but when he did the pouting thing and sounded so miserable, you felt your resolve slipping fast. 

“Do you really think I’m clingy?” You asked in a small voice as you looked down in your lap. 

“No.” He came and stood in front of you. He wanted to pull you to him and kiss you until both your lips were sore, but he settled for just being close to you. In those few weeks without you, he almost forgot how much self-restraint he had to practice around you— and how intoxicating your presence was. “You are in no way, shape or form clingy. If anything I’m the clingy one. If you aren’t there I don’t even know what to do with myself,” he laughed lightly and you let out a snicker as you rolled your eyes shoving him lightly.

He quickly caught your hand in his own and held it against his chest as he moved to stand between your knees. Leaning forward he placed his forehead on yours and your breath caught in your chest.

He was so close.

You were grateful that you were already sitting or else you were sure your knees would’ve given in already. His scent engulfed you, making you feel safe and at home like it always did.

“I’m lost without you, love,” he whispered as he bumped his nose against yours. “I’m not prepared to lose you, (Y/N.) I can’t. I won’t survive it.”

You knew you should say something back. You should tell him that you forgave him or to back away or question him again, but you couldn’t even breath properly with him this close to you, let alone speak.

Jesus.

You thought that your heart was gonna leap out of your chest if he got any closer.

He knew he should back up, that he was going just a bit too far— getting a bit too close.

He knew that he was doing things that friends shouldn’t do with other friends. But you were sitting in front of him for the first time in forever and you were looking at him with those eyes that had always been a weakness for him. He’d do just about anything you wanted and all you had to do was look at him.

As he stood there he noticed how shallow your breaths were becoming.

Could it be possible you wanted him too?

Swallowing hard he opened his mouth and began to whisper, “(Y/N), I’m about to ask you something and I want you to know it’s perfectly fine if you say no, alright?” His gaze flickered between your eyes and your lips that were coated in chap-stick since you didn’t feel like putting on lipstick. They looked so soft and inviting— all he wanted was to find out what they felt like when pressed against his.

You nodded your head slightly and he took a deep breath. “Can I k-”

“Who was at the- oh,” Ace said as he entered the kitchen, mouth falling open at the sight of his baby sister on the counter with her best friend hovering too close to be considered friendly. (C/N) pulled away from you like you were on fire— a small part of him was scared your brother was gonna beat him for being that close to you. Your cheeks turned scarlet as you stared down at the floor, baffled.

Was he about to ask if he could kiss you?

“I was wondering when you were gonna show up,” Ace smiled at (C/N) and threw an arm over him. “So you two made up?”

(C/N)’s eyes immediately went to you, silently begging you to tell him that things were okay between you. You nodded, maintaining eye contact with (C/N) who broke into the widest grin you’d ever seen on him.

“Great!” Ace exclaimed. “That means I don’t have to actually be her big brother and kick you out. Being her brother is exhausting, y’know.”

“It couldn’t be half as much work as being your little sister,” you joked, sticking your tongue out at Ace.

“On the contrary, little monster, you continually prove yourself to be quite the handful. Especially around loverboy here.” Ace squeezed (C/N) shoulder in a playful manner, but (C/N)’s stomach lurched as he looked at you, almost scared of your response.

You saw exactly what your brother was doing. He knew you had feelings for (C/N) and he was trying to call you out. Refusing to give him the satisfaction, you simply said “If anyone’s the handful, it’s you. The number of times I’ve had to lie for you. God. I should get an academy award for my performances.”

A strange sense of relief and disappointment spread in the pit of (C/N)’s stomach. You hadn’t said anything basically outright telling him that you didn’t want him, but that was because you didn’t address that part of the sentence at all. A second ago, he was pretty sure you were gonna let him kiss you because you wanted him too, but now he had no idea.

“Yeah, yeah.” Ace rolled his eyes. “Be sure to give me a shout out when you win your first award since I was the one who gave you your first gig. Let’s go, Uncle Ricky is waiting.”

“Why?”

“You know him, he’s as nosy as it gets. He wants to know,” a sneaky grin spread across your brothers face as he looked between you and (C/N), “what was taking you so long.”

Your heart immediately dropped to your feet as you realized the compromising position your brother had caught you two in. “You wouldn’t dare.”

“Try me, little monster.” Ace smirked at you before blowing you a kiss and starting to run away. You were quick on your feet and chasing him almost immediately.

Heels be damned.

“Ace! Get back here!”

Ace ran all the way to where your family was sitting in the living room, opening his big mouth he said breathlessly with a huge grin on his face, “Hey Uncle Ricky, you won’t believe what I-” You didn’t even want to know how he was gonna finish his sentence and you weren’t gonna find out. You literally jumped on him, causing you both to topple to the floor as a chorus of laughter erupted throughout the room.

Popping up, onto your feet and adjusting your skirt so you weren’t flashing anyone (by anyone you meant (C/N)) you gave everyone a bright smile and said: “Guess who finally showed up.”

Everyone followed your line of sight to see (C/N) standing in the doorway, staring back at you adoringly. You were the only person he knew that could tackle your older brother to the floor and get up like nothing happened.

“C/N! Hey, come on in, have a seat,” your mom said and (C/N) happily obliged.

You watched for a minute, loving how well he fit in with your family before he turned to you and patted the empty seat next to him, mouthing a quick “I miss you,” that made your heart flutter before going to sit next to him. Automatically, he had you under his arm, pulling you to his chest and you had to fight the smile that was trying to make its way onto your face.

***

“Are you gonna stay the night?” You asked while absentmindedly tracing shapes on (C/N)’s abdomen. Your family had left a little while ago, your parents going upstairs as well as Ace, the rest of your family going back home. It was around 11 now and you and (C/N) were still sitting on the couch cuddled together.

You had your head in his lap and his fingers gently traced the frame of your face, moving into your hair to play with it.

“I didn’t pack an overnight bag,” he said with a small pout, almost upset with himself. “I didn’t think that this night would go as well as it did. Thought you would’ve slammed the door in my face.”

“You thought I was that mad?”

He scoffed as he tugged at your hair slightly to make you look at him, “You gave me the silent treatment for two straight weeks. You wouldn’t talk to me, look at me or even be around me. Yeah, I thought you were that mad.” Rolling his eyes, he let out a sarcastic laugh.

“Well if it makes you feel better, I was hoping all day that you would show up. I didn’t care if we didn’t speak at all, I just wanted you here. Felt wrong having every other important person in my life here and not having you here.”

“Really?” He asked, looking down at you with uncertainty. “I thought you didn’t care. Was scared that you were done with me entirely.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.” You hit his stomach lightly. “I don’t care how mad I get, at the end of the day you’re family. I can’t imagine what my life would be like without you.”

He smiled down at you softly, your words making him practically melt. After two long weeks, you were here, lying in his lap, staring up at him with those gorgeous eyes and he couldn’t have been happier.

“Alright, alright,” you waved a hand dismissively through the air. “Enough sentimental stuff, you know I love you already. I wanna know what happened with Lilith.”

Knowing that they didn’t work made you happy in a way you shouldn’t be but you were also curious as to why.

“Oh uh..” using his free hand he scratched the back of his neck nervously. “Nothing really. We started spending some time together and she’s amazing, but she’s just not what I need, y’know?”

His heart was pounding in his chest. This felt too much like him telling you that he wanted you and it was scaring the life out of him.

“What is it that you need?” You asked, staring up at him with innocent questioning eyes.

You. You. You.

“Just... something else. Someone else,” he muttered under his breath, almost hoping that you didn’t hear him. He wanted to tell you exactly how he was feeling. He thought about how easy it would be for him to just blurt it out, but he didn’t know if you felt the same. He would rather keep you in his life as a friend than lose you trying to push for more.

And yet, as much as he tried to sit there and convince himself that this was enough— that just being your best friend was enough, everything in him was telling him it wasn’t. It never would be.

He wanted to be your best friend, your boyfriend, your lover, your confidant, your other half. He wanted to be able to kiss you and call you his. He wanted you— all of you.

“(Y/N)?”

“Hmm?”

“If I asked to kiss you what would say?”

You could’ve choked on your own spit as your eyes snapped to his before you got a hold of yourself and gave him a playful smirk, thinking this was just another one of your normal teasing moments. “Awww, honey. If you wanted me all you had to do was say so,” you said singsongily as you sat up so you could look at him directly.

“So that’s it? All I have to do is say so and you’re mine?” He wrapped an arm around your waist and pulled you closer to him.

“Just say the word and I’m yours,” you mumbled in agreement, beginning to feel like this was more than your normal teasing. His eyes were trained on your lips, staring at them like you would stare at a piece of art. “(C/N).” you said lowly.

“Yes?” He whispered, still staring at you as his eyes glazed over. One of his hand reached up to push a strand of hair behind your ear.

Hesitantly, you leaned in until you were a breath away from him. One small move and his lips would be against yours. “Tell me what you want.”

Titling his head he leaned in and let his lips brush over yours. “You.”

Your heart was beating so fast you couldn’t even hear it anymore. “What are you waiting for?” you mumbled against his lips and that was all he needed to hear.

He smashed his lips to yours fervently and his hand cupped the back of your neck keeping you pressed against him, while his other hand tighten around your waist. You kissed back just as desperately, grabbing him by the front of his hoodie to draw him closer, not liking the space between the two of you, no matter how small.

You pulled back for a second to say something, but completely forgot whatever it was you were gonna say a second later as he reattached his lips to yours. Without even thinking, he grabbed your leg and placed it on the other side of him so you were straddling him. He knew he should probably slow down but he didn’t know how. Not when you tasted this good and felt so right pressed against him like this.

His hands didn’t seem to know how to stay still, moving from your face to your neck to your waist and hips to your bare thighs as your skirt continued to ride up. Absentmindedly you grinded down into him, eliciting a surprised groan of pleasure from him. His lips left yours for a moment to pull his hoodie off, the fabric was keeping him from feeling you the way he wanted and it was driving him mad.

Gripping your hips and pulling you close, he pressed open mouth kisses to your neck. He stopped for a moment to bite down, causing a moan to come from the back of your throat and you felt him smile and laugh a little against you.

“What’s so funny?” You asked while trying to catch your breath. He pulled back to look at you, pressing a firm kiss against your lips.

“That’s the first time I’ve ever heard you moan,” he said with pride laced in his voice. He loved the sound and had every intention of pulling it out of you as many times as he could. You rolled your eyes at him and shook your head.

Before you realized it, he had your chin gripped tightly in his hand, forcing you to look him in the eye. “Keep doing that and I’m gonna have to give you a reason to roll your eyes.”

The threat sent a shiver down your spine as he leaned in and bit down hard on your bottom lip, making you wince.

After licking it to ease the pain, he looked at you again, a sharp challenging look in his eyes. “Understood?”

Not trusting your voice, you nodded your head. If you weren’t turned on before you definitely were now.

Smirking at you, he mumbled, “Good.” And then you were lost in his kiss again, his tongue forcing its way into your mouth, making you let out a broken moan.

You don’t know how long you sat there locking lips, but things were getting heated quickly between you grinding into him, his hands moving further and further up your thighs, gripping them so tight that you were sure you were gonna have bruises in the morning and the moans you both were letting out. The sexual tension alone was enough to drive you to keep going, but eventually, you needed to breathe, much to both of your dismay.

Pulling back, you both tried to catch your breath. His grip on you didn’t loosen at all, he was scared you’d move away if it did. Simultaneously you realized that this wasn’t just some guy who you kissed and were now on top of— this was (C/N.) Your best friend.

A part of you was scared that it was just a heat of the moment thing rather than anything more. God, you prayed it was more.

“Well, that was...” you started dazedly.

“Yeah,” he finished for you, still out of breath, a small smile making it way onto his face.

“So um,” you cleared your throat, sitting up a little straighter while taking a deep breath, pushing a few stray hairs behind your ears. “What was that?”

“I think that was called a kiss, love. I’m sure you’ve done it before,” he teased, tugging you closer by your hips. You weren’t sure how much closer the two of you could get, but this didn’t stop him from trying.

“Yes, I’ve done it before,” you rolled your eyes, “I-”

“What did I say about rolling your eyes?” He asked sternly as he squeezed your hips to get your attention as if he didn’t already have it. You lost your train of thought as the idea of rolling your eyes again just to see what he would do crossed your mind.

“Uh, as I was saying,” you made a conscious effort not to roll your eyes like you wanted to. “Friends don’t kiss friends and we’re supposed to be,” you voice wavered off as he started tracing small circles on your sides, “just friends.”

Moving closer, he pressed light kisses on your neck. “We.” Kiss. “Aren’t.” Kiss. “Just.” Kiss. “Friends.” He bit you and you let out a small groan. His head moved up so he was looking you directly in the eye.

“(C/N), what are you trying to sa-”

“I’m saying that I love you,” he said with surety in his tone. He didn’t know if you felt the same way he did before, but after a kiss like that, he was sure. There was no way you could kiss him like that and not feel anything. 

You couldn’t believe your ears and you look at him with disbelief. “Babe, this isn’t a good time for you to be joking around.” The pet name slipped off your lips before you could stop it and he smiled. 

“And who says I’m joking around, love?” 

You bit down on your bottom lip, still not sure if you should believe him. It sounded too good to be true.

“Do you remember that night that we sat up in my room watching Shrek 2 and you started singing I Need a Hero?” he asked randomly and your scrunched up your face. 

“Of course, but what does that have to do with anything?”  “That was the night I realized just how hopelessly in love with you I am.” Taking your hands in his, praying silently that you believed him. “For as long as I can remember, you’ve always been there. I don’t remember what my life was like before you came into it. Every girl I’ve ever tried to be with always turned me down because they all said that they thought that I was in love with you. At first, I thought they were crazy,” he let out a quick laugh as he looked down at your hands. “Until I realized that I was comparing every girl to you. None of them even came close to you, baby.” 

“(C/N)-” “Wait, just... let me finish this. I might chicken out if I don’t get all this out right now,” he said, cracking a smile. You nodded understandingly and he continued.  “The reason that I didn’t want you there when Lilith came over was that I knew if you were there, I wouldn’t be able to focus on anything else.” He let out a shaky breath, the first visibly nervous action you’ve seen out of him since he kissed you. “I tried getting over you. I tried to put all those feelings into Lilith, but the more time I spent with her these past few weeks, the more I thought of you. I even kissed her, and it was a good kiss,” you raised an eyebrow at him, silently asking why he was telling you about his kiss with another girl. Laughing a little, he kissed your knuckles. 

“But no matter how good a kiss it was, I still pictured myself kissing you. No matter how much I tried, she was never gonna be you.”  Placing your hands on his chest, he wrapped his arms around your waist. 

“I can’t keep kissing strangers and pretending it’s you,” he whispered like a confession. “I don’t want anyone else and I don’t want to pretend I do.”  You scrambled mentally for something to say and after a few beats you said with a loving smile on your lips, “You win.”  “I win?” You could’ve laughed at the puzzled look on his face. “I tell you I love you and you tell me I won?” He let out a nervous laugh. “Am I missing something?”

“You don’t remember our deal? You take a risk that I deem worthy and I’ll do any one thing for you. You told me you loved me-- huge risk. So you win. All you have to do now is claim your reward,” you said suggestively. He stared at you blankly for a moment before realizing what you were saying. 

You slung your arms over his neck as he grinned mischievously. “So I get to have anything? Anything I want? Including you?” 

“I said anything, didn’t I?” you said sweetly as you gave him a quick kiss on the mouth. He tried to kiss you again, but you stopped him. Before he could protest and plant another kiss on your lips you said, “I love you too.” 

That effectively froze him in place. This whole day had to be a dream. Not only did he get his best friend back, but she loved him back too? If he died now he would die a happy man.  “I’ve known it for a while now, I just didn’t think that you feeling the same way was possible.” You rested your forehead against his and whispered, “You can have me anytime you get ready, all you have to do is ask.”

“Be mine?” He whispered back, his lips ghosting over yours.

“I’ve been yours for a long time, babe. It’s always been me and you.”

This time you leaned in to connect your lips together, knowing that there was nothing else either of you could’ve said to each other.

***

One year later...

“Where’s the birthday girl?” (C/N) shouted as he came bathing into your dorm room with a bouquet of flowers and balloons and a gift bag.

Excitedly, you hopped off your bed and ran directly into his arms.

“There you are,” he mused as he hugged you back tightly. It’d been a while since you’d seen him face to face since you’d been holed up in your room studying for your Lit exam that was coming up. “Happy birthday, my love.”

Pulling back slightly, you pushed up on your tippy toes and pressed a firm kiss to his lips before mumbling against them, “Happy anniversary.”

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[twoflipstwotwists]

Madison Kocian would've loved to keep a family in-state college tradition, but she'd long known it likely wouldn't be possible.

The 2016 U.S. Olympic gymnast and Dallas native had several relatives on her dad's side attend the University of Texas. Many on her mom's went to Texas A&M.

Kocian is now in her junior gymnastics season at UCLA.

Her experience in Los Angeles includes a 2018 team national championship and five event All-America honors. Kocian wouldn't change her decision to compete for the illustrious gymnastics program.

But she's wondered what would've happened if she had the option to compete college gymnastics in her home state.

Despite Texas being a hotbed for gymnastics talent at the club and Olympic levels, none of the state's 21 Division I universities offer the sport.

As the NCAA gymnastics season culminates with the national semifinals and championship April 19-20 in Fort Worth, all eight teams competing have at least one gymnast who trained in Texas on their rosters.

Coaches, gymnasts and advocates for the sport's national growth said a few Texas universities have explored, at varying levels, the option to add gymnastics but by not yet doing so are missing opportunities to quickly contend for titles.

"So many gymnasts would want to stay in Texas," Kocian said. "If [universities] could fund a program and get some good coaching staff, I think they would have a good opportunity to win a national championship pretty early on."

Of gymnasts competing in the semifinals Friday -- with the top two teams from the two four-squad meets advancing to the final Saturday -- 18 trained in Texas, including 12 in the Dallas area.

Defending national champion UCLA features three: Macy Toronjo at Texas Dreams Gymnastics in Coppell and Kocian and Katelyn Ohashi, whose floor routine went viral online this season, at World Olympic Gymnastics Academy in Plano.

Oklahoma, which has four Texas gymnasts on its roster and has won two of the last three national titles, is also a top contender. Coach K.J. Kindler and her staff emphasize recruiting in Texas, marketing proximity to home.

"If any Division I institutions in Texas were to implement gymnastics," Kindler said, "they would have the opportunity to win a national championship within five years."

Haley Poinsette, a 2017 University of Houston graduate, had similar thoughts to Kocian when she formed the school's club gymnastics team in 2015. After missing opportunities for scholarships because of injuries while training in high school, Poinsette acted on her desire to compete locally.

In the last three years, she's lobbied Houston's administration to boost the club to varsity and worked with the College Gymnastics Growth Initiative, which aims to educate and fund college athletic departments' additions of gymnastics.

Houston made the most progress among recent colleges exploring gymnastics, said Randy Lane, CGGI chair and UCLA assistant coach.

The CGGI's committee met with Houston officials for a presentation in June 2017, offering insight to training facilities, budgeting and even showcasing a mock leotard design.

In his pitches, Lane acknowledges gymnastics is expensive. The equipment and facilities aren't compatible with other sports. Men's and women's basketball and volleyball, for example, can all share a court.

NCAA gymnastics is also a 12-scholarship, head-count sport while not generating revenue like football or basketball. With just 62 Division I colleges in the country offering the sport, a full season's schedule often requires air travel and extensive planning.

The CGGI offers suggestions, such as renting time at a local club facility if a school doesn't already have one on campus, and is creating an endowment fund to provide start-up contributions for interested universities.

Lane said he's also talked with an official at Texas A&M, which has a gymnastics practice facility for its university club team on campus, and a friend gauged Texas' interest.

Neither Houston, Texas A&M or Texas made their athletic directors available for comment. Texas A&M said in a statement it's in full compliance with Title IX sports sponsorship and gender equity. A spokesman at Texas said he wasn't aware of any discussions to add another sport, and a spokesman at Houston declined comment.

Lane said the CGGI hasn't made recent progress in communication.

"You can ask every Texas athlete out there that's going to another school right now: Would they have stayed home in Texas? And I think 90 percent of them would've said yes," Lane said. "Once you have one school to add [gymnastics] in Texas that's Division I, it's going to be such a fight for those kids that want to stay."

While the CGGI focuses its efforts throughout the country, pushes in Texas reflect the state's rich gymnastics history.

In the last four Olympic cycles, four women's gymnastics team members lived or trained in Texas. Three of the last four Olympic all-around champions -- Simone Biles (2016), Nastia Liukin (2008) and Carly Patterson (2004) -- are from Texas.

Two of the country's top private club programs -- WOGA and Texas Dreams -- are in the Dallas area. Unlike other sports, where participating on high school teams is the best avenue to earning a college scholarship, gymnastics is club-based because high schools don't often offer the sport and many standout gymnasts home school.

Lisa Bowerman, head gymnastics coach at Division II Texas Woman's University in Denton, the state's only college gymnastics program, said she's had gymnasts join her team instead of accepting out-of-state Division I spots to remain close to home.

Texas Woman's has won two of the last three USA Gymnastics Collegiate National Championships, which are held separate from the NCAA for Division I, II and III college gymnastics programs with less than 7.5 full scholarships.

"Having an option in-state for those full-ride opportunities and again, just more opportunity available for girls to stay right here in Texas," Bowerman said, "I would 1,000 percent be all for that."

Lane last summer rallied several prominent Olympians, including Texas Dreams owner and former world champion Kim Zmeskal, Houston graduate Shannon Miller and Dallas-native Liukin, to participate in a social media push aimed at Houston adding the sport.

Poinsette used a mutual friend to help encourage a tweet deeming Biles' potential interest in coaching at Houston.

Many hope that enthusiasm for expansion shines this week at the first of four consecutive finals in Fort Worth.

The CGGI has planned a "Flippin 5K" and pre-championship festival Saturday to promote their initiative and fundraise.

Kocian said her family, many of those Texas-university alumni, will have an easy commute for in-person support.

She also expects a strong contingent of coaches and gymnasts from WOGA, along with other club programs throughout the state, to attend because for a couple of days, college gymnastics will be in Texas.

All eight teams competing in the NCAA women's gymnastics semifinals have at least one gymnast who lived or trained in Texas.

Gymnasts who trained in the Dallas area competing in the semifinals:

[inviisiiblelee]

ookay so absolutely no one asked for this post but i’ve been so unreliable lately with literally everything that i figure i can at least explain what’s been going on for the last six months or so. i know i’ve briefly touched on this to others in discord and some of this has been viewable through some of my other posts and all but, here’s a big block of text explaining why i fall in and out of tumblr, discord and everywhere else i exist online

TL;DR?:  I’m depressed, anxious, & or in a panic pretty much all the time, and disability has really effed me over.

I lived in an incredibly quietly abusive home for the last fifteen years of my life. I am just now turned twenty.

when i say this, i don’t mean it in any kind of roundabout way, and it’s really only been in the last year that i realized that this is what i was living. and i will come out and say that i don’t even think my parents realized this was how they were treating me, that this was the kind of household they were building for me. and honestly, it was a way worse experience for me than it was or will be for my younger siblings (i hope).

the fact of the matter is, my biological mother was a drug addicted alcoholic, since the birth of my sister who is only two years younger than me. my mother was not a very good role model mother in really any way, and i really honestly wish i had more to offer than this basic, umbrella-like summary. but it’s so bad that i have almost no memory of what my mother was like, personally. i don’t remember her voice, her face, or any of that. she died of an overdose when i was eleven. It’s been nine years and, really, I have more memories that are worth my time remembering after the fact. i grew to hate my mother with my entire being, and her death wasn’t something i dealt with right.

even now, i haven’t dealt with it well, but i have let go of the anger that really held me back.

since that moment of my life, it seemed like an event that became who i was. i was the kid who’s mom died, i was friendless and depressed, and i acted like everything was fine, and i honestly still do. eventually, of course, things moved on --- my dad found another woman to love, who became the mother i wished i always had. of course, there was a lot of internal conflict as this happened, something that while i was never aware of it, happened no matter what i really believed. evidently, at the end of the day, losing your biological mother is something that really changes you, especially when she went by way of suicide.

my father remarried in 20...14? maybe? i really don’t remember --- my years and months really started running together in my mind, and honestly my memory has never been something to brag about when it comes to my own life. life seemed to be okay but really, there was a lot of conflict between my family and i. my father is a military man, and was heavily heavily abused as a child, and almost killed by his own mom. but he was an abusive father by way of mental and emotional abuse, especially once i entered high school. i was constantly compared to my mother, which i hated because she took her own life, and she was the worst role model of my life. my father had a habit of callling me useless, or telling me i would never amount to anything. in his mind, he was doing me a favor --- trying to make me realize i needed to change. but all he did was instill a hopelessness inside of me that he would never understand or admit to giving me or being part of. 

my self esteem tanked by the time i was a sophomore in school, and my grades began to really see a dip. i was spending less time on my schooling, because i was exploring hobbies that my father didn’t approve of, which meant i was spending more time hiding the things that made me happy than i was studying. school was becoming something i didn’t like as much as i once did --- it was getting so hard to find joy in anything, and i realize now that was the major & chronic depression that i would later be diagnosed with. but all i heard from my parents at that time was that i was sick in the head --- that i would turn out dead like my own mother, a drug addict and homeless and useless. and eventually, a thought hit --- why bother?

when i was in the summer year between my sophomore and junior year of high school, the summer of 2016, i made a plan to take my own life, because i felt like such a burden.

i was not the most aware of what would work --- and i was very against going through something painful --- so i found an amalgamation of every prescription and non-prescription drug in the house. which was quite a lot. and i would siphone pills through the day, slowly, so it was less noticeable.

when my family found them, they refused to believe that i was depressed and suicidal, instead choosing to believe i was selling pills at school, peddling fake drugs (considering there were pre-natals among my stash, which, admittedly, wouldn’t have done much). instead of ever offering and following through with counseling, they asked me one time when i was fourteen and never actually put me into a place. they make the excuse now that it would not have been beneficial if i didn’t want it, but i recall several times speaking to them about getting into counseling and nothing ever coming of it.

the next two years would be a total rollercoaster. at seventeen, a predator was contacting me and trying to get photos, my location, even so much as meeting up with me. my parents put me through hell for talking to the guy --- and now i realize that whether or not i was an older female, i was still under eighteen and being taken advantage of. my principal and secretary of the school got involved, and i became more suicidal than ever. i lost friends due to the state of mind i had.

luckily, i graduated high school and turned eighteen, and this seemed to be the end of my forseeable problems. i had been working through high school, and though my family had forced me to resign from the last workplace due to workplace drama and claiming my coworkers were bad influences, I was searching for jobs and hopeful for getting into college.

i was not the perfect child at home (i rebelled against chores like any kid, and when i worked, i was even less reliable for doing chores because i was never home to cause the mess but somehow it was always my job to clean it up when i had a sister two years younger who was FULLY capable, but thats just another story tbh), but professional help has also made me see that i was not deserving of the kind of punishments my father put me through, including being lectured at about how much of a failure child i was for over three hours almost per night during the summer. i did not experiment with drugs as a high school student, i never attempted to run away or sneak out, i had a few thief instances that never recurred the way my younger sister’s instances were monthly. 

in july, barely a month and a half after graduating and turning eighteen, my parents kicked me out. i had nowhere to go, no money to help me, and no amount of help from them. and yet, i managed to move into a place a few weeks after the news.

it was a huge mistake.

i had found someone on craigslist (BAD IDEA PAST ME) renting out a room in their home. they lived an hour from the nearest bus stop (an hour walking) but close to the downtown area. rent was about half of what i made in a month. and very quickly, there were problems. once i had the place found, i had no other options --- the few other places that were that cheap were no longer available, and my deadline was coming up. the place itself was pretty atrocious --- dirty and gross, BUT i was told it was being fixed over the next month and i thought if i could help out, no problems.  there were cats (i was allergic, though it did eventually seem to fall out from me living there) and even a bird that was loud and annoying. the cons really outweighed any pros, but it had taken a long time to find the place, and i was not sure i would make my deadline before my parents dropped me off at a shelter. plus, i was supposed to be going to school in the next few months for college, with loans and all, and it should have been fine!

just kidding.

i moved in, met the three other roommates, and began the downward spiral. i was almost immediately out of money --- rent was far too much, and i couldn’t buy groceries afterwards. my phone bill lapsed a few times, and i never was able to finish paying off the deposit. my routine became something terrible. i only ate once a day, while at work with my free meal. and on saturday and sunday, which i didn’t work, i only ate a little bit, if one of my friends happened to give me food out of pity, or else i didn’t eat anything. i started stocking up on CLIF bars, because i could eat one and sleep the rest of the day with little issues.

i slept on the floor of the room, miserable, in a panic. the landlord (who also lived in the living room of the place but worked) was horrible. he essentially demanded that i take care of him while he was home, and expected me to just do it because he hadn’t kicked me out yet for not having the deposit paid.

eventually, i had enough. one of the other roommates, his name was Josh, was getting tired of the same treatment. and my final straw was when i found out the landlord searched through my room without asking and while i wasn’t there. so he and i got together, started looking for a place closer to town, and gave him a verbal/written notice of moving out. 

however, this fell through, too. josh lost the money he had for the apartment two weeks before we were supposed to move, and so i had to scramble to find a place. i got lucky --- a really good friend of mine talked to her mom and they took me in when he couldn’t recover the money. i left josh with some of my things until i had a permanent place.

he stole half of all of my belongings, about five hundred dollars worth of miscallaneous stuff.

josh disappeared off the face of the planet, after faking his own death to me via his ex. it got wild, and i almost (and should have) took it to the police to get my things. but because his whereabouts are really unknown to me, it was going to be a way more expensive process than i was into. 

around that same time, my financial aid for school fell through due to some change, and without any cosigner for a loan, i had no option but to drop out -- and still got footed for a bill of $1700. for school i couldn’t and never did attend. 

the following year of this was not that bad --- my friend’s mom moved out of the house and left it to us. it was a really nice, three bed and two baths with a nice kitchen. they bought me a bed and bed frame, as i had previously been sleeping on the couch, without a mattress of any kind (Josh stole it). i was so grateful.

but after a year, too, she had gotten a boyfriend and they were talking about moving to nashville for his job (they’re there now, congrats to them!) and her mom was going to sell the house.

at this point, my family was in some contact with me again --- my mother and i had less issues than i had with my father, and she found out the situation and offered me to come back home. they were having issues with my younger sister, and i think they hoped my newfound independence could rub off. they would charge me no rent.

I agreed, a huge mistake. I know this now --- but at the time, I wanted their approval and wanted nothing more than to live with my family without problems, which is what was promised to me. They acknowledged I was an adult. This was a lie.

once back home, things were supposed to get better. or be better, rather. but it was immediate to me that it was not true --- once again, all of my decisions were being scrutinized by my family. i would work most of the day, and if i didn’t come home and socialize, i was getting long talks about being part of the “family.” i tried to accomodate all of this, and still it was not enough. if i was spending my money on anything they didn’t approve of, i was getting lectured about it. from the months of august 2018 until the end of january 2019, i was miserable, and depressed, and wanted nothing more than to die.

at the end of december, right before christmas, i finally found a counselor. my family had made it a must for me --- if i wanted to continue living there, i had to go to counseling. so i found a place and someone i began to trust. not long after, i started realizing just how bad i felt in life at home, and my counselor (agreeing for the first and last time with my family) mentioned an in-patient therapy place.

SO, in January, I went to an in-patient hospital for three weeks to undergo constant watch, and this would change my life.

the most recent big event in my life had been me breaking up with my girlfriend. some of you may know of her already, known as ruby, pretty prominent in the youtube rp fandom. she was abusive. not only to me but to others, and though i was warned, i dated her, fell in love with her, and she proceeded to make me feel bad for everything i wanted to do or did. so in the months between november and january, i was being put down by not only my family, who were still calling me useless, worthless, ignorant, and made to be my mother, my girlfriend was also making me feel bad for talking to other people, for spending time playing games and having hobbies that didn’t involve her. 

when i went to this hospital, i was under watch 24/7 for three weeks. they took my vitals, watched my every move. and i was supposed to be on track for finding my weaknesses.

This experience was vital for me --- but it also broke me down.

i was suddenly feeling every emotion i ever hid from myself. i felt myself break down and instead of hiding behind the solid walls i used to have, i had nothing to defend myself with. every thought about the family that seemed to tear me down, tore me down all over again. every thought about how my exgirlfriend saw ME as abusive or neglectful for not being awake at midnight to greet her from work had me in tears and believing no one would ever love me. it felt like someone ripped out my heart and threw it down to let everyone who ever wanted to trample it, do so without a fight.

it took three weeks to come back, and i was a broken woman. i had a better knowledge about myself, how my emotions worked and what i needed to do, but i was raw to the world, and my father supposedly understood. but it was clear to me, within the next week, that this was wrong. he wasted no time continuing to tell me that i wasn’t trying hard enough, that i wasn’t putting any effort into my life. that i was content to lay around and was worthless and just like my mother. 

so i left. i called someone i met while i was away, and he helped me move out that day. but my panic was non-stop. i couldn’t work the way i used to --- panic attacks were happening more often, and i was calling out more because of it. i ended up quitting out of fear of being fired, because i couldn’t get up every day anymore and go to work the way i used to.

eventually i moved again --- i found a guy i got along with really well, liked a lot. his family was very generous --- but they eventually kicked me out too. and now, i’m living with an old friend of mine, her family like my second family. but i changed --- i have a whole slew of medicines i’m supposed to take daily in order to function without panic in my daily life. debt’s come back around, and work has become harder to find. i’ve recognized that i have a disability, in the form of major and chronic depression, bipolar, and ptsd from my mother’s death and further abuse. i don’t get job responses the way i once did, and there are days where i stay in bed (on the couch where i live now) all day, panicking about the fact that i’m considered homeless, that i have no job, that i’m losing insurance soon and college is slowly slipping through my fingers. applying for disability guarantees me nothing, and marking myself as disabled, when compared to last year when i didn’t, has resulted in less interest in my resume, whch is great

i’m trying for commissions for art or writing. i’m trying to write a novel to maybe make something of myself. but i don’t know what to do. 

so. if you’ve ever wondered why i don’t stick around all day like i used to, if you ever wonder why you haven’t heard from me in a week or longer, there’s why. 

[charmingturkeysandwich]

On Series Finales

(I need to get this out of my head)

(I have so much to say about narrative structure vs. audience opinion)

People always have very strong opinions on series finales. Obviously. It’s the culmination of years of investment in something. Because of this you’re never going to make 100% of people happy. Each of us is invested for different reasons; we connect with different characters. What we “like” is always going to differ. 

That doesn’t mean that calling something a “bad” finale is all about taste or who you ship or stan or what have you. Sometimes the episode simply fails the narrative it built. Being disappointed in something because of a narrative failure can’t be written off as “you just wanted a happy ending and that was never going to happen.” Especially with modern dramas, bittersweet is the happiest we can really hope for. Even comedies usually have some painful episodes leading to the end. I don’t think anyone is expecting TV shows these days to end like Disney movies. Hell, Disney movies sometimes don’t end like Disney movies anymore.

Anyway, enough babbling. Here’s the thing: in fiction - as in life - expectations are everything. Many writing choices the writers, directors, and producers make will set up these expectations. When they’re not met, people are cranky. And for valid reasons.

1. Where you start a story is important. 

An often ridiculed series finale is How I Met Your Mother. The pilot focuses on Ted falling immediately in love with Robin. And the “twist” is all “oh, that’s not your mom; that’s Aunt Robin!” But there’s a reason it started there. Yes, technically, you can argue the reason is because Ted ran into the mother at Robin’s wedding, so meeting Robin was important. But they chose to continue to focus on Robin/Ted the whole fucking series. So technically it made sense narratively for him to come back to her in the end. Somewhere along the way I tweeted the show and said it should be called How I Met Your Aunt Robin, because it truly was more about her than the mother. So, yes, people were pissed when she died and it was “all for nothing.” But despite the title... it was never really her story. So in this way, I defend the ending. It fit the story that they told. They began with Robin. They continued to focus on Robin. Why wouldn’t he “end up with” Robin?

2. Pacing matters - and heavily influences expectations

In How I Met Your Mother, you have a day-to-day, usual kind of sitcom for 7 seasons. Then all of a sudden, a 48-hour span of time is spread out for an entire season! This was jarring and I found it to be tedious. Jack Bauer is not here; the world is not at risk. We do not need a minute by minute account of these two days. In this way, I think the whole last season is a disappointment. 

It also served to adjust our expectations. OK I just watched 20 episodes of how much Barney loves Robin - this must mean something. NOPE! Divorced in one episode. An episode, mind you, where they flew through years of their lives. After drawing out two days. For a whole season. They put a couple decades in, like, a half hour. In this way, How I Met Your Mother failed narratively. The pacing sucked and it made us expect something different from the finale. In this regard, I fucking hated that show and want my time back.

Pacing is super important to Game of Thrones, AKA the reason I can’t get series finale essays from running through my head. You’re set up in a world that is medieval-esque. There are no airplanes and Ubers and the magic doesn’t seem to have evolved into teleportation or the like. Everything was slow in the beginning, for many seasons. Conversations were at the forefront. It was  a social game. It was about the people, first and foremost, even though the stupid sword-y chair was important, too. That was the plot. Likewise, in the beginning, people weren’t protected by plot armor. Remember, GoT so fantastically shattered our collective expectations for a show, but in the most organic, realistic way. We were carrying the expectations of other dramas with us and projecting them on this show, assuming Ned was “safe” because he was our lens - at least, more so than anyone else. He was the protagonist! He might be tortured, but he surely wasn’t going to be beheaded. Wrong! He was. That and its fallout allowed us as viewers to fully commit to a whole new set of expectations.

But then as time went on, travel just kind of... happened. Things that should have taken a whole season happened in a scene! And with no kind of acknowledgement. Additionally, that initial slowness built us up to have HUGE payoffs. Think of all the tiny things that led to the disaster/amazing episode that included the Red Wedding. They built us up and they met that slow burn hype. In later seasons, they have ridiculous outward hype over the white walkers and Night King, over confrontations between Cercei and her potential killers (Jamie, Arya, etc.) The pacing led us to believe that these things would conclude in a deep and meaningful way that justifies the time we spend watching and theorizing on our own. When you suddenly hit fast forward through the good stuff, it’s jarring! And you lose character development.

And, oh, the plot armor thing. We were led to believe this show wasn’t like other shows. No one was safe. So someone please explain to me how exactly half (or more) of the named characters survived the battle with the undead?! Sam was basically crying in a pile of bodies. Jon was hiding behind a rock from the Ice Dragon who had just blue-flamed down a giant fucking wall. Brienne and Jamie had been on the front lines of that second wave. But their (and others’) plot armor was simply too strong. We were betrayed by the “new” expectations that I, for one, deeply respected. Gore is not my thing - I often had to look away and hum through certain scenes over the seasons - but to know that there were always consequences and that the stakes were always high and unpredictable... that’s what made this titty-fest bloodbath worth it! Take away its uniqueness from all other shows, and you’re just left with some really violent almost-porn. 

3. We watch your show for characters, not shock value

OK, yes, some people enjoy the big reveals and that’s kind of why they signed up to begin with. My brother cannot get over some of the CGI scenes and battles, so I get it. But for the most part, every story is rooted in the characters. You could take the most exciting story on the planet, in the most intricate world, but if you put boring ass people in it, no one will care. We’re invested in the characters and we want them to be consistent. And if they change... well they better change slowly, the way that actual people usually do. Redemption arcs are common in fiction - more common than in real life, sadly - and they can really pay off. As can whatever you call the opposite of that. Falls from grace? I’m not sure. Either way - slow is key here. Drop hints. Build it into their character. It’s a gruesome comparison, but if a frog jumps into boiling water, he jumps back out; if he’s in cool water and you gradually heat it up he will eventually boil to death. This is how falls from grace should occur. The character doesn’t just jump into boiling water. It doesn’t hold up.

Dany is obviously the big one here. I’m not arguing that it would be possible for her to become the Mad Queen and torch King’s Landing. But I’m saying that maybe at least a time or two before her little tolling bells meltdown we should see her saying “fuck the innocent people.” We should have seen her violence spreading beyond people who deserved it. The writers should have presented us with more moments that signaled she cared more about power than actually breaking the wheel. Her character was too consistent for too long (go back to pacing and expectations and where the story began) for her to have a turn like that and for it to be satisfying and accepted.

Similarly, Jamie’s abandoned redemption arc didn’t make sense to me. Drop us some hints that he’s still hateful above all else, maybe, before you have him just up and revert at the mention of Cercei dying... a thing he clearly had to realize was coming well before that moment.

There were complaints about this same thing with Barney from HIMYM, along the lines of “seriously we sat through a season of him redeeming himself (and truly, he started before that) just to watch him go back to banging any under 30 with daddy issues an episode later?” Honestly, that one makes a little more sense. He was problematic even at his best! And they did show that he tried to not be that guy - he and Robin were married for a year or two (offscreen, of course) before the divorce. The biggest problem with HIMYM wasn’t the characters - it was the pacing! It changed our expectations and left many disappointed. 

And finally, For God’s sake you don’t always need a crazy twist.

And maybe this falls to the producers and not the writers. They want viewers. They want coverage. They want listicles on Buzzfeed. And both HIMYM and GoT got them! But at what cost? The reason we didn’t get any lead up to Dany turning is because they wanted to shock us. The reason that they didn’t have some of the strongest theories come true is because they wanted to shock us. Shock has been used well in this series to this point. Masterfully, even! But this wasn’t masterful. This was the showrunners playing God instead of letting things happen organically. Some twists make sense after you look back and notice the buried hints. Some twists make sense because there were things that you as the audience didn’t know yet. But other twists are only shocking because they’re out of character, unrealistic, or just plain dumb. We didn’t get much after the twists except some speeches that honestly sounded like the showrunners themselves speaking to defend their choices. Awkward.

Another series finale that disappointed many fans with its twist was Lost. I never watched, but, I mean, if I watched a whole series just to have it never have been real, I would have been pissed. I was terrified that OUaT was going to do that - that in the finale we’d find out it had all been a dream little Emma was having at a group home or some shit. Fans are invested in long-running series - especially those with supernatural/sci-fi words - and to pull the rug out from under them like that is just... rude. And massively disappointing. You mean we speculated ourselves to death for nothing?! 

What people want from a series finale is an ending of this chapter of the characters’ lives that honors the past and acknowledges the future. There’s a reason that series finales often do something to bring it “back to the beginning.” It’s satisfying! I love that the last thing that we saw the Friends do is go get coffee together. That’s how it started! But after that coffee, they were off to the next part of their lives. I love when they get a little self-aware/meta in the last episode, like when Cory says, “Boy Meets World, now I get it.” And then he and Topanga were moving to New York City. Back to the beginning/the roots... but also going somewhere new.

My point in all this is simple: usually when there’s a massive uproar over a series finale, it’s not just petty people being mad their fave didn’t get the ending they wanted. It’s usually a sign of a problem in the writing, whether it be the writing of that last episode or of the series in general. 

Everyone’s opinions are valid and their feelings are real. But when the writing is bad/lazy/shoddy/too focused on a few scenes they’d clearly imagined before writing the finale/clearly leaving certain plot holes or opportunities for spinoffs even when it doesn’t necessarily make sense... people notice.

(And, oh, do they let you know it.)

[whitneyrmcguireblog]

On Black Breastfeeding Week

By Whitney McGuire

It’s Black Breastfeeding Week according to Instagram and I’m sad. I don’t want to waste time describing the sadness, and maybe that’s not even the right word to describe how I feel, but tears are welling up in my eyes and my heart aches a bit.  I’m a black woman. I had a baby 4 months ago. I am not breastfeeding.

I don’t have time to entertain judgments, even those cloaked in support. And trust me, there are a lot. I’ve already lashed out on a woman for communicating the assumption that I stopped breastfeeding due to cosmetic reasons. Now that I think about it, I’m like, “so what if it was?” I only have time to be present - to see that my first child, who’s somewhat traumatic entry into this world (for me) revealed parts of myself of which I wholeheartedly am in awe. 

Presently, I see flashbacks of endless pregnancy nausea (worse than morning sickness. I had that too.) and breastfeeding classes at my midwife’s office. The joyful expectation that I will be a great mother who breastfeeds her child for at least a year. A. Great. Mother. I learned latching techniques, different hold positions to make for a comfortable feed for me and baby, and an understanding that every woman can and should breastfeed her child. “Was my former co-worker actually hyperbolizing when she said she couldn’t produce breastmilk for both of her children as she broke down in the break room every other day?” I faded out of my inner questioning and listened to statistics being tossed at me from the breastfeeding counselor making it patently clear that the act by omission -- not breastfeeding your child -- is basically considered child abuse. It didn’t take long for my instagram explore page algorithm to catch up , depicting images of pregnant women, or women with young children, happy and glowing. I knew not to click on those images. I am pretty cognizant of strengthening my muscle not to compare. But sometimes I skipped my workouts. Sometimes those images brought me to profiles that inevitably revealed a woman with one or both breasts exposed and the back of a baby’s head cradled lovingly, happily sucking away. Images like this made me feel warm and proud. Like I was about to join a sisterhood of like-minded, revolutionary, strong women championing the normalization of breastfeeding. A few looked like me. Many didn’t.

After giving birth, a lactation consultant visited me the day before I was discharged from my 7-day stay. She sat on the foot of my hospital bed. I sat in a recliner nursing my new child. He was very small. He decided to come four weeks early. The consultant quizzed me. “Do you know why breastfeeding is so important?” I listed stats I’d memorized from my breastfeeding class and hours of prior research on the topic. I wanted to be a GREAT mom. I had already delivered via emergency c-section and was repeatedly reminded how dangerously high my blood pressure was due to preeclampsia. I already wasn’t starting this motherhood journey the way I’d hoped. So, I didn’t want to fuck this quiz up.  She affirmed the correctness of my answers and gave me a warm smile and nod. I took that to mean that she agreed with me. I was going to be a great mom.

By the second week of my son’s life earthside, I had one nipple that was chaffed, sore, bleeding occasionally. Yes. I used the organic nipple balm. The other nipple was functioning but was unfortunately attached to the less milk abundant breast. My son began to fuss. Loudly. His entire body stiff, arms splayed open in frustration. Until this point, his latch had been great. Something changed, however. Now, he kicked aggressively and cried abundant tears when my nipple made contact with his mouth. He was not eating enough. I researched why this could be. I tried different holds, pumping even the sore nipple with tears of agony welling up in my eyes to try to produce more milk to freeze for future bottle feedings. I wanted to be prepared to give myself time to heal when/if this happened again. Pumping on a chaffed nipple was what I’d hoped was peak “this sucks,” for me. They tell you pumping more will help you produce more milk. I’ve heard many testimonials to this truth and a few to the contrary. For me, pumping only produced more tears. My nipple eventually healed after I began using a plastic nipple guard my friend, also a new mother, purchased for me. Feedings became easier. Finally, I felt like one of those moms I admired. Some I knew. Others I didn’t. Moms who look like they take time and energy to be patient loving attentive moms. My son enjoyed the nipple guard too.

One month after my baby’s birthday, I sat on the stoop of our brownstone Apartment cradling him prepared to finally breastfeed outside of my home or the pediatrician’s office/ ob/gyn clinic. It was a hot day. We didn't have air conditioning. I was proud to possibly perform what I considered an amazing phenomenon of the human body, in public. I wanted to look anyone in the eye who passed and glanced in my direction during this sacred, beautiful act. I was ready to make my activism seen...known.  I wanted to challenge any glances contrary to approval. Proud. Stern. Stately. I am proudly a black woman. I was also proudly a breastfeeding woman -- just with a nipple guard. Eventually it was time to feed my baby.  I realized I left the nipple guard upstairs, so I took out one of my breasts and attempted to put my bare nipple in my baby’s mouth. He hollered and protested. A foiled attempt however, not the final one. 

Two weeks later the kicking and screaming started again, even with the nipple guard. I relied on the advice and support of my fellow new moms one of which paid for an in-home lactation consultant. This one was different than the hospital counselor. She was more thorough. She weighed my baby before and after feeding. She observed his latch and informed me that I probably didn’t need the nipple guard anymore. “He’s doing perfectly! Great latch!” I smiled in affirmation. But felt the sting of impending failure creep up from that nipple guard comment. I had been using it religiously for a little over a month. Maybe that was too much time. She watched me pump for 20 minutes. Observed that I was producing a “perfect” amount of milk and put me on a more strict pumping schedule so I could start to store milk. I hadn’t been able to store milk during the days leading up to her visit. His appetite had grown voracious. I was pumping and feeding around the clock. Days blurred together. I was so tired. I resented my husband for being able to leave the house to go to the laundromat or the corner deli. I cried more. My child’s appetite grew more insatiable.

I lamented a bit on instagram stories about my journey thus far. Many mothers expressed their similar journeys and frustrations with breastfeeding. They connected me to other moms and doulas. A few moms directed to lactation support groups. The thing was, I had anxiety about leaving the house. I was unsure that I would be able to perform the act of breastfeeding in front of other moms. I began to feel my goal of being a great mom slipping away. How was I only 1.5 months in and already fucking up?

A very good friend of mine, a mother of four young children, also a black woman, informed me that she too was unable to adequately breastfeed her first 3 children. She supplemented the little breast milk she was able to produce with formula and donor milk. She too pumped often, on the highest setting sometimes. Her first three children had been delivered via cesarean. All three had some amount of trauma attached the circumstances of their birth, from hospital staff to insurance, her first was the most traumatic of them all. Yet, all of her children are remarkable. My idea of a great mother was becoming more layered. As a result, I massaged the thought of formula feeding and tabled it.

I’ll never forget asking my husband, through tears, to run to the drug store to get formula one particularly rough night. I counted every ounce of formula I gave my baby. I tried to reserve his consumption of it for times when he wouldn’t latch at all, which became more and more frequent. Every time I prepared a bottle of formula for him I cried. I couldn’t watch my husband feed it to him. Each time he was fed from the bottle, his crying stopped. He was full, not of breast milk, but of a manufactured substance. He would burp and fall asleep just like he did when he was full of breast milk. He was full. He was at peace. Did he know the difference? Maybe I wasn’t a great mom at the moment, but I was starting to feel like a pretty ok one.

Feeding my baby formula two weeks into his third month still evoked intense sadness for me, but somehow it also allowed me to experience more freedom: longer naps, sporadic phone meetings for work, time out of the house with or without my baby. The sadness led me to once again seek out lactation support. A doula I met on Instagram told me how bad the formula advice was that my friend gave me. I disagreed but thought this doula’s perspective was worth exploring. Maybe my friend wasn’t as educated as this doula was on the subject. Maybe this doula wasn’t as educated about the validity of one’s inability to breastfeed.

I walked 2 miles (part of my personal recovery from my csection) to another lactation counselor’s office. I’d called the day before to make sure someone would be there. I showed up. She wasn’t there. My hopes of reclaiming my great mom title came crashing down. It didn’t help that I had also just had an argument with a close friend that morning. I was reeling with anger and frustration. “WHY HAS ALL OF THIS BEEN SO HARD?!” My pregnancy was mired in sickness. I developed a disease that came pretty close to taking me, my baby, or both of us out of here. And now breastfeeding wasn’t going well? I felt faint and dizzy from the thoughts of failure. I accepted defeat during the two mile walk back home and immediately made my son a bottle of formula. 

I’m four months into being a mom and I’m learning more and more each day that I am not just an ok mom, I’m a good mom. I know this based on the fact that my child is happy and according to his pediatrician, quite healthy. He exudes joy. He is taken care of and loved with every fiber of his parents’ (and grandparents’) being. I’m still sad, however. When hashtags and my instagram algorithm remind me that other moms would look at what I feed my child in pure disgust, I get sad. When I see my friends effortlessly whip out a boob to soothe their fussy child forming an instant, animalistic, instinctual, necessary bond, I’m sad.  My mother breastfed me for two months before switching to formula. She had to go back to work. She tells me she couldn’t produce enough milk to store. I too had a voracious appetite, apparently.  I didn’t know this until after I gave birth. Why would I? I didn’t fit the description of the “formula fed baby” I pieced together from the statistics freely tossed at me during breastfeeding class.

Simply put, my baby preferred the bottle over my breast. Ultimately, he decided for himself and left me in the grey of a seemingly black and white issue: breastfeeding is best, formula is worst. Pick a side. What of those of us whose children picked a side for them? Are we cast out of the club? Do we form our own club? As a black woman, I’m pretty exhausted with aspects of my existence being defined in reaction to othering. And now, it seems like there’s no way for me to cross the isle into Breastfeeding Mom Land. Even if breastfeeding women empathize with my situation, I will still envy their ability to breastfeed because I cannot. I will still, somehow be othered and quite frankly, as a result, judged. Motherhood is not a monolith. Our experiences, while somewhat similar, are wholly our own. So are our children (archaic concepts of the ownership of people aside). The best lesson from motherhood so far is that my child is not a vessel for my insecurities or fears. He is not a projection of the aspirations I have for myself. He is his own person with his own karma, abilities, and abundant future (hopefully joyful) experiences. 

The movement for public breastfeeding is in the lead for breastfeeding causes and this messaging exists in a variety of media. Black breastfeeding is a distant cousin. Still present. Not as amplified. Which is why I wholeheartedly support Black Breastfeeding Week and its mission. I want other black mothers to know of this movement. I want them to do their independent research on breastfeeding, take classes, form support networks early and often (or at least know where to go for breastfeeding support). Very few moms discuss how incredibly hard breastfeeding actually is. Even fewer discuss the inherent effects of racism on black mothers from the healthcare system to the availability of general education on the topic of breastfeeding. #Blackbreastfeedingweek will hopefully change that.

I am choosing to nurture my child holistically. I’m not sure whether this means stepping away from social media to eliminate the trigger of seeing a woman breastfeeding, especially since I’ve received so much helpful advice and support from complete strangers on social media. I am sure that it involves formula, albeit organic. I’m certainly not happy about my ejection from the breastfeeding club, especially when I tried so hard to get in. Expending more time and resources to be told what I’ve already tried, about which I’ve cried so so much about to this day, no longer interests me. I’m really only interested in being present for my baby’s beautiful growth which I’m overjoyed to witness, even behind occasional tears.

[hazedazethestealthhero]

This is About Two Burning Stars in The Galaxy

I know I'm not perfect and I have problems. Especially in the department of communication. Meaning, sometimes what I've said in my head doesn't come out the way that I've intended. Sometimes I catch it and I try to immediately correct or clarify. Sometimes I do not catch it and it ends ups hurting those I care deeply about. I know. I'm working on it. I think I've come a long way considering I used to not be able to even comprehend what my feelings were or how to properly identify them or convey them. But I also know that I can't always use that as a crutch, I've been trying not to.

My best friend since the sixth grade. How old even was I? Probably about 11? I'm 24 now. So roughly 13 years of a solid and full friendship with both ups and downs. She is my Moon and Stars. My Soulmate. My Other Half. I even share a mark with her. Our beautiful Best Friend Tattoo that we got when we were about 20.

When I say we've had ups and downs, I mean we shared those moments. There were two times in our lives that we even lived together because our families were so far deep in the hole of poverty and negativity. To where our families depended on each other and in a way, we were able to help our families via our friendship but also help each other get past those rough times. We fought those battles together. Side by side. Dare I say we came out stronger.

There was a time in our friendship to where we didn't talk for about a year. It started towards the end of our senior year of high school until sometime in the middle of my freshman year of college. I don't even quite remember what had transpired during that year or even really remember why we had stopped talking to each other during that time. I think it was just because, for a period of time, we were walking on our own paths.

Eventually though, fate brought us back together. Things were a little different but for me, I think I was just suprised at how awesome my best friend really was. She was working multiple jobs to pay and support her mom, her mom's boyfriend, and her two younger sisters. I've always envied her courage and resilience. She's wonderfully fierce and strong. A literal ray of Hope. The Weapon of choice for an Archangel.

We reconnected and once again our friendship was able to grow and rebloom. Things were a bit different though. We both were seeing toxic romantic partners, and through another battle we fought together yet at the same time, separately. We've always fought side by side, even in separate wars.

After I had left my Ex and graduated college, my best friend asked me if I would move in with her. A literal dream come true. To share and create a home with her. The kind of home we always wished we had growing up. The kind we swore we would make together when we got older. It was finally becoming a reality. Though, we were still a bit financially strained, I managed to move out of my home and away from my mom who I was holding a lot of anger towards due to previous events and my best friend was leaving an extremely toxic relationship that I feared would turn leathal, we made it.

We made it into our new home together with the help of our mutual and beloved friend. The Three Amigos were back. We met our friend during our sophomore year together. Though we all had our own falling out, fate had brought us back together.

In our first year of living together, so much happened. I left my shitty, toxic job, we ended up getting my best friends sisters from Kentucky and bringing them home, dealing with the disaster that is our mothers, and typical ups and downs that occur when you've squeezed 5 people, 3 cats, and a bird into a 2 bedroom and a loft home. But we made it work. Sure it only started off as 3 people, one cat, and a bird, but what can you do when the universe throws in a few curve balls?

We said that we could do it together. Like we've always had. To always be there to catch when the other falls.

But things haven't been good these past couple weeks. I know logically it is because of a LOT of factors: cramped, quarantine meaning kids are home 24/7, working from home/taking a leave of absence as to stay safe, etc. These factors create tension and hostility. I've caught myself a couple times acting hostile towards my family. But we've tried to be understanding and at least try to talk and communicate later. To try to understand each other better as to not make the same mistakes in the future.

But I feel like we keep tripping up and that we are caught in a negative feedback loop. I don't really know how to get out of it but I'm looking in the mirror and at my Other Half and I'm only seeing our mothers lately. It's a horrific feeling. To snap back to reality and say "Did I really just say or do that to her?" I feel like we've both had those moments. And not just to each other.

Now we are faced with not only tension being created in our home, but on the outside world as well. I partially believe that that is only adding fuel to the fire in my family's predicament. My best friend has always been a go getter while I've always been the more on the side lines and observe for a while kind of person.

She's calling this The Revolution. She is genuinely concerned for the wellbeing of all and her friends. She's really trying to gather up individuals to stand together and make a difference. I admire her for that. I am baffled by her passion and she has such a way of bringing people together.

However, our viewpoints slightly differ but overall, we both wish to achieve the same thing. I truely think we are meant to take our own paths, because at the end of the day we want to create a better world for our fellow human beings and for the future. Even though our paths differ, they will both lead to the same field where the defining battle will be fought.

I know I've upset her because I appear to be less enthusiastic or that I'm too standoffish or neutral about the Revolution. I've tried conveying this and had thought we had come to an understanding that we support each other's methods and respect the slight difference in opinion.

I'm going to backtrack for a moment, before the Revolution really started. During our rough couple weeks of snapping at each other and continuously hurting each other's feelings, I wrote a letter. Stating that I would not be resigning the lease and that I thought it best for our relationship and ourselves respectively to not live together for a while. I don't know if she read the letter for sure. It hasn't been brought up.

Then the Revolution begins and now combine all of the Pandemic, Revolution, Tension, and (most likely not taken as good) news of me moving out. We have a shit storm of emotions, hardly any of them positive.

Today didn't start off on the right foot. My best friend had made a statement and my response did not have a great starting point. Once again, I've goofed with my words and execution. She looked at me with what I could only describe as disgust and "you need to fuck off" kind of look. I knew before I had even gotten that look that I had fucked up. I also know "sorry" doesn't erase things but I sent her a message stating that I was sorry and I hadn't meant for it to come out like that or to hurt her feelings. We kind of starting talking about our disagreement some more and I feel as though I still wasn't conveying properly what I had meant and I wasn't sure how to tell her that. But towards the end I thought it was mostly patched up or at the very least acknowledged that we may not be on even ground but we are at least holding our footing in our relationship.

It was a very hot day and towards the end I asked the kids to gather everyone up and we could make a quick run to the gas station for cold water because our tap water freaks everyone out a bit. My best friend offers to come with and states that maybe it should just be her and I, to be a bit more cautious about all the violence and not involving the kids. Great. Wonderful idea.

This event took less than 20 minutes.

We get in the car and I know right off the bat, it is not looking good. Feeling choked and overwhelmed by the tension, I hadn't realized how mistaken I was. A fool, really.

She kept her head turned out the window and hummed until we get to the gas station. She gets out the car and moves as if she walks alone. I move quickly to catch up. She walks over to the water section and grabs two jugs. And I ask her "How many should we get?"

As I ask, she walks past me, barely casting me a glance and says in that awful tone "However many you're buying." I felt as if she were insinuating that I expected her to pay with the Link card. I was not. But I was not expecting the menacing chills that her words left. It stunned me really. And I thought "I deserved that. I'm sure that's how I made her feel earlier today."

We are standing in line but she is standing in front of me. I'm feeling like I'm miles away but I'm barely 5 feet apart. It's our turn in line. She walks up to the counter, sets the jugs down, and walks away. Without a glance back. My blood is running cold now. But I tell myself to just get the water and go back home, it's fine. I get up to the counter to pay but my card keeps declining. I don't know why. I'm panicking. I'm panicking because I can't even buy 5 dollars worth of water for my family. I'm panicking because now there are people behind me. I'm panicking because my biggest fear of all just became a reality.

You walked away.

And you didn't even look back.

The person I chose to get a matching mark with to embody and show the world that we are one. My partner in crime. My Ride or Die. My Best Friend.

Is that how it really ends? Just like that?

I put the water away and I go back to the car and I'm trying to tell her that my card declined and I didn't know why. Hoping to get a response. To have her talk to me.

"That really sucks bro."

Yeah.

It really does suck.

Next

[phenomenalcosmicpowers]

TROTCON 2017 EXPERIENCE

Well my 2nd trip to Trotcon has wrapped up. And as with my first time to give some general thoughts on the trip as well as a breakdown later on of the stuff I got while I was there. So head on after the break if you'd like to hear how things went.

Let me get one thing out of the way first though. Admittedly this trip started out a bit rough at first. And for a little while, and in some ways it's still true. It feels like I had an overall better time the first time I went two years ago even though I was only there for at most 5 hours. As opposed to nearly a full day this time around. It got much better by nighttime. But things like almost forgetting my ID, traffic jams, my computer for some reason had no way to connect to the Wi-Fi there, and when I tried getting a coke from a vending machine it didn't dispense any. Presumably because it was empty for that particular one. (I went to the front office about it and got a replacement out of it, so that was rectified. Buuuuuut yea…). Most of these are pretty minor and by the end of the trip I enjoyed being there despite the hiccups that happened. Just makes it sound like a bummer compared to my first trip where I had so much awesome stuff happening one after another in the few hours I spent there two years ago. The only bad thing that happened two years ago was throwing up when I got back in the car (Apparently my body had an adverse reaction to having a full Steak n' Shake lunch and a few hours of Convention fun all at once.). But then again that's also high expectations I put on the trip since the first one was so special being my first ever convention and everything. Again I still had plenty of fun and got some cool stuff that I don't regret going for. Just besides some minor inconveniences and moments where I sat in my room and/or walked through the building out of boredom it definitely was far from perfect.

But with that out of the way let's get to a few things that definitely livened up the trip.

REUNITING WITH PIRATE DASH

First of all of course I had to see the mod of Pirate Dash again. Very nice to see him and chat a little. Got a few things from him including a small Twilight print and 2 buttons. Though the true fun with him began with something that I'll get to not too long from now.

M.A. LARSON AUTOGRAPH

Also coincidentally M.A. Larson returned to Trotcon the year I went to again. He wasn't here last year. But it was awesome once again to see my favorite writer of the show. Last time I got a photo with him and that's it. This time I just got an autograph. But what exactly did I have him autograph? Well it's something I decided to make real fast last week where I did a spirited thing for each of his episodes that he's credited as a writer/co-writer for. I'll show them here as digital versions.

This one he would sign and give back to me

This one I would give to him as a gift.

He really liked it and asked what my favorite episodes out of them were. And I said Cutie Mark Chronicles, Magical Mystery Cure, and Amending Fences. And with that I had the autograph and everything. I did come across Larson a few more times while walking in the hall. Waved to him at least once, and noticed him at the bar wearing what I believe was a Detroit Tigers hat which was interesting. But yeah it was definitely great seeing my favorite writer from the show in-person once more.

DARKEST EPISODE OF MY LITTLE PONY PRESENTATION

At about Nighttime I went to a panel about the Cutie Remark about how it's the darkest episode of the show and some theories about the episode. While that episode is kind my least favorite out of the Finales it is definitely an intriguing episode to give some thoughts about. And the thing at the end where he explains a major part that is often unmentioned is how Starlight prevented Spike from being born. Or at the very least, not born under the same circumstances where he would of been helpful (Even putting up the possibility that perhaps an untamed dragon Spike born in Equestria ended up being the cause of the timeline where there's nothing left of Equestria) even showing clips of the first episode where indeed Spike assisted in even getting Twilight to meet the Mane 6. So while Twilight was trying to save their timeline, Spike's entire existence may have been at stake here. A scary, but interesting thought. I don't think it's going to change my opinion on the episode too much, but again very interesting to hear and it was good to hear from who he said to be a Spike fan since I'm somewhat one as well (If I wasn't I sure wouldn't give him the attention I've done for him in I Dream of Twilight Sparkle heh)

RUSTY NAIL MEMORIAL AUCTION/PARTY

But I think the absolute best time I had at this year's Trotcon was at they Rusty Nail memorial service. Now I'll say this. I've been a member of Tumblrpon for a while though I never had the opportunity to meet Rusty Nail. So unfortunately I had no personal attachment of my own, that said I still feel condolences for those who were. And when Teej asked if I'll be there I said I could. Now of course while they were serving drinks, I didn't drink any alcohol since I avoid that at all costs. Basically all I did there was sit, watch the auction and the Quiplash game with plenty of adult humor, drink a coke, talk with a few friends like Teej and Out of Work Derpy's mod and laugh. But that was enough for a great time. Cause there were so many humorous moments and for an event that was in memorial to someone recently deceased, it had a really fun tone to it that basically said that while Rusty is gone. The spirit of the pleasure he gave his friends and the Tumblrpon community still lives on ^^ I did donate a dollar to the proceeds for the diabetes. Also hope a recording of the livestream that was going on will make it to Youtube or something. Would love to watch it all over again. Also awesome that the total proceeds after the whole event was all done was over 1,300 dollars. It was definitely a night worth attending ^^

VENDOR HALL/TRAVELING PONY MUSEUM STUFF I BOUGHT

Now last but not least is the items I got while there. I'll start with the two non-pony items. I got Pac-Man branded pocky that's milk chocolate and cream in the middle. Never actually had any kind of Pocky before but gotta say it was pretty good. Now Pocky Twi's mod will be proud of me :V

Once I saw this Sonic figure in the corner of the Traveling Pony Museum, I was instantly come over with the urge to get it. And get it I did. It's certainly an awesome figure with so much more articulation then probably any figure I've had before. Plenty of potential for poses (Though admittedly I have had trouble just getting it right for certain poses without it falling over). Really glad I got it. It looks really cool on display.

There's some Tumblrpon stuff including buttons from PD that I mentioned, stickers from Out of Work Derpy, a card from Ask Rye Drimer when I met him. And there's also the badge I got with the convention guidebook. Also apparently I so happen to choose the faction that won. Not that I really cared too much about that heh. I didn't really get the chance to go play in any of the nerf gun battle things. There was probably a point where I could of done that instead of just walking around but I just couldn't find myself to do it. Oh well.

I got a 4DE Twilight plushie for myself. I know I already got a Twilight plushie from last time. But this one has the wings opened instead of permanently closed like the one I got last time. And admittedly when I compared the two when I got home the 4DE plush looks much better. I mean no offense of course to LunarShine as I still like the ones I got from him. If a certain episode coming up in Season 7 works out to what I hope. The Velvet plushie I got may suddenly become a very worthy investment

The Guardian of Harmony Twilight is pretty neat. I've always kinda wanted a better official model of Twilight. And this works pretty well considering this is part of Hasbro's first attempt to gear MLP for both genders that has come up in the past year or so. The changeling figure is cool too but I mostly got it for action figure Twilight pretty much.

Last but not least at least for items for me is this large print I got from Bobdude0 AKA the adorable Sweetie Belle art guy with this very cool picture of Twilight teaching magic to Sweetie like Celestia once did for Twilight. He said it was a collab with Viwrastupr and it's just beautiful work altogether. I also got it signed. As a fun little note. Bobdude0 had a thing where he had a 20 sided dice and if you were lucky you got a free item. And guess what, I got a 20 right off the bat! That meant that I could of gotten a free smaller print. Though I downgraded just a little for a sticker on the back that has a chibi Twilight and Spike. At that point I was apparently only his 3rd Natural 20.

There's actually one more item I gotta mention. But it's not in the photo of all the stuff I got because sooner or later it won't really be mine. And it's a 4DE Pinkie Pie Plush

You see, last year I met the family of my Mom's best friend and they happened to have a little girl who's a fan of the ponies herself. Her name's Josie and she's almost like the little sister I never had at this point. Her favorite pony I found out early on was Pinkie (It may be at least partly because Pink's her favorite color though given how hyper and excitable she can be I could easily see why else she likes Pinkie a lot). So keeping that mind coming into the con I definitely had to pick up something Pinkie related for her. And I think this worked out best. At the point I've put this up I most likely will not have gotten it her yet. But upon the next visit to their house I'll certainly have it as a surprise for her. On a side note this family I plan to see the MLP Movie in October , and Josie's probably just as if not more excited for it then I am. So that should be a fun time whenever that comes.

CLOSING THOUGHTS

Anyway, that's all for now on my Trotcon 2017 experience. I can't say this one was quite as amazing as the short time I spent at Trotcon 2015 but it nonetheless had it's moments that was plenty fun and I'm definitely still glad I got to go again. Even more general stuff such as having my own hotel room for nearly a full day was very nice as the bed was very comfy and they have a nice bath in there. There is possibility I go again some other time. Maybe even next year as my parents haven't ruled it out. But definitely no promises on that in case things come up.

Thanks to all who bothered to read this and thanks to everybody from fellow friends I talked to, the entire Trotcon staff for another fun convention. ^^

[sealionssc-blog]

I’m married to a narcissist, control freak, addict.

There i have said it, admitting it is the first step correct?  I texted my best friend tonight who is in the mental health field and asked her the key word.  Do you think my husband is a narcissist?  I’ve decided to take it upon myself to start reading up on the subject. The book I have been reading ma be a little on the extreme side as I do not believe my husband leads a double life, he is not a cheater, or at least I don’t think this has happened since our son was born because that would require him to hold down a job and that would also require him to actually have friends and have a life.  So back to my best friends answer, it was “Yes and I wanted to tell you that for years, Thank you for asking me nicely”.  I asked her for her observations and she had about 20 text messages worth, for the hell of it I am going to document it here. 

1. Self entitlement, always thinking his way is the best way and the only way despite the fact that he is almost wrong.

2. Lack of gratitude for anything that anyone does for him.

3. not looking at himself in the mirror and not seeing any wrong doing.

4. Feeding people what they want to hear when he knows that his life is in distress, then turning around and doing the same thing over and over.

5. Thinking that he is more special than he is, and by that I mean, Take his old job for example. In that short time that he made that money he thought his talent is something that should win him a high-paying job every time despite the fact that he truly has no credentials.

6. Telling you how to parent when he in fact is a first time parent himself, first example was telling you that you were nursing your own baby wrong.

7. Inability to accept the fact that he has an addiction, has walked out of therapy, and thinks everyone is full of shit but himself.

8. When you get to the critical part of narcissism and it’s most clinical sense. The fact that underneath all of his bullshit, and sense of entitlement, and full of himself behavior lies a little boy who does not feel good about himself.  So he overcompensates.  And the worst part is that he believes it.

9. It helps a little bit that he is surrounded by a family full of the same addiction, and mental health issues that enable the shit out of him.  he knows that they do and that is why he is always made it a point to force you around them.

10. Narcissists are big time users, they do not care that they hurt other people’s feelings, and truly believe someone will take their shit for the rest of their life.

11. The fact that the man knows his marriage is in the toilet, and feels horrible about himself as he does, yet continues to behave the way he does is clinical narcissism. He truly thinks that you are going to take it forever and not leave him I guarantee you.

I am absolutely surprised that she did not make it to #20.  I reached out to her about it because I have been reading this book called When love is a lie.  For my first book about narcissism it is actually one that really discusses an extreme case.  The person in the book had a significant other who fit the textbook profile, would appear and re-appear on her since they aren’t married, he would cut off contact and do stuff to mess with her mind, and he led other lives running off to other women when he was ditching her and then when the narcissistic “supply” as she called it would run out and he would be back.  While reading the book I of course start to think well “he isn’t THAT bad, but that is why I posed the question to my friend, am I in denial about how bad it really is?  Apparently from her perspective it is an overwhelming YES.  He may not be cheating on me with women and I think that has been the one redeeming quality that has been keeping me around. No matter how bad it gets at least he is faithful.  But then that brings out another aspect of this, the prescription pills, medical marijuana and of course Beer.  Truth be told I am actually cheated on EVERY SINGLE DAY! Every time he decides to abuse his pills, drink a 6-12 pack of beer at night, spending money on this stuff versus helping out with the household expenses, paying for something for his son, he may not be sleeping with someone else but his decisions are almost worse than cheating on me, at least cheating would be cut and dry.  But this is just a whole other level of crazy.

One thing that the book discusses is the only way to rid yourself of a narcissist is to go no contact.  Reading about this brings up something from the very beginning of our relationship 13 years ago.  The book said that during the no contact period it will drive the narcissistic person nuts and they will want to get in contact with you, be with you, it will drive them nuts that you are ignoring them.  They will turn on the charm, be sweet, tell you how much they miss you just to get you back.  Well this makes me think OVER and OVER again about how maybe this should have been the biggest red flag in the world, it makes the sweetest story about how we finally got serious but IS IT?  If I knew what I know now would this act of ignoring him because he wanted to be a player and be free and “enjoy his summer” and his “boys” i decided enough was enough because he was putting me through an emotional ringer and I cut off contact, I believe I finally did it after I walked in a bar one night, in fact the bar that we met at and I saw him kissing another girl.  I texted him hope you enjoyed your night she was fugly.  ( I wasn’t lying she really was).  I cut him off after that and then after 2 weeks then came the sweet emails, he even called me at work! He dropped off flowers out of the blue at my house, so there I was hook line and sinker and from that moment on we were a couple.  He did try to leave a couple of times, he always accused me of cheating and that I was cheating on him if I discussed our relationship with guy friends, if I asked advice of guy friends, it was ridiculous.  So if he was not a narcissist would my attempt at no contact had the same result?  Probably not because I had a boyfriend who was kind of flaky and I tried the ignoring him and it never got me anywhere. With my husband maybe a part of me felt I conquered him, that I won.  I love winning I really do, and I am the type of person who HATES to be wrong and REALLY REALLY hates when I know I am right but the other person will continue to argue till the day that they die that i was wrong.  

I have been going back and forth after having discussions with my friend who is going through a similar situation as me, although i feel hers is much worse with the ramifications of her husband's actions but I really have been wondering if I am co-dependent.  I think the next book I plan to read on this self discovery journey is Co-dependent no more.  But there is a passage in the book that says,

“A flip side of co-dependency which she refers to as covert narcissism which rang true for me that, having grown up in a family where as a child I was forced to take on adult responsibilities and do care-taking for people around me, my own normal healthy narcissistic needs were ignored.  Co-dependency has similar traits as narcissism when you really examine aspect of this care-taking role, primarily of a “false self” that is unrealistic- expected to always be understanding and self-sacrificing and never angry.  These and other qualities of co-dependency can add up to a “not real” person wouldn’t you say?  The codependent person becomes entangled in an over-focus on others (originally on the addicted person” Payson goes on to say that a primary problem in addressing issues of codependency is difficulty with the inherent issues of “covert narcissism, which often gets lost and remains unidentified because they are hidden or invisible to us who were trained to be co-dependent”

Holy crap did this hit home, what resonated with me was the false self that is unrealistic, always expected to be understanding and self-sacrificing and never angry” My mom was diagnosed with a terminal cancer when I was 15.  THIS was my life for 7 years, always trying to maintain a good attitude, always trying to be positive, fake sense of self was a dead ringer.

Yup I think my next book is going to be on co-dependency.  I ask myself do I regret marrying my husband?  No I don’t think so, I think I regret staying this long.  I love my son, he is absolutely beautiful but as I discover these traits about his Dad it keeps me up at night thinking How am I going to keep my son from being a alcoholic, drug addict, and now I have to add narcissist?  But the one thing that this little guy has going for him is that I come from a good family, I am successful, he is watching me not take his Dad’s crap and I as his mom am going to set him up to be successful, not by giving him everything in life but giving him the tools necessary to BE successful at life.  

I have a feeling this blog is going to be all over the place but hopefully it is an outlet for me, as I try to end this marriage once and for all.  Try to move on, I did this 3 years ago and took him back, because he “CHANGED” which is a whole other story.  I could probably continue to write on this topic and go off on tangents all night, but it’s 9:36pm and I have to go put a 7 year old to bed.

[captain-unlikelynutbouquet-blog]

Home insurance, what can i expect on a newly built home?

"Home insurance, what can i expect on a newly built home?

Hello guys,   I am planning on building my own home, i lived with my parents for 3 years so i have some money accumilated. I am planning on a 250,000 dollar home with a 3 car garage and mostly electric components. It will be in a rural setting, in a subdivision or close to one. HOw much should i expect. And it will be 3 or 4 bd, 3 bath, and about 3,000 sq ft total    monthly?    thanks

BEST ANSWER:  Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://howmuchisinsurance.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr 

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Should you get better car insurance coverage when purchasing a home?

I am currently house shopping and my boss mentioned increasing my car insurance coverage to cover the price of my house in case I get into an accident where the damages are higher than my coverage. Could I be sued for my house if I cause an expensive accident and my insurance doesn't cover it or all of it? Should my car insurance be raised to 150k, and how much can I expect that to cost? I live in California and the legal minimum is 15/30(which is what I currently have), I told my agent I would like to pay no more than 160k for the house, though I was approved for more.. I drive an rsx, it's paid for, and drive roughly 22k miles a year.""

Financing a new car and with no insurance?

could I finance a new car then have it sit in my drive way with no plates or registration to avoid paying for insurance ontill I pay the car off

Do Liberals know that Affordable Care Act will in fact make healthcare insurance far less affordable?

On Jan. 30 the IRS released new regulations regarding Obamacare - remember that the IRS is in charge of penalizing you should you fail to purchase the mandated insurance - that included cost estimates for the plans the government will offer. Obamacare Lie #4: Obamacare will cut the cost of a typical family's premium by up to $2,500 a year. http://moneymorning.com/2013/02/08/the-7-biggest-obamacare-lies/""

""How can Insurance companies, all offer cheaper deals than each other, CRAZY?""

So let me think, One company says come to us we will save you money, next advert says come to us we will save you money, another will say come to us for cheaper deals, how can you be cheaper than the other company if they are doing cheaper deals than you, is this crazy or am i.""

AAA car insurance wont return my phone calls?

i was in a car accident on the fourth of july and the guy ran a red. he hit my car and totaled it leaving me injured and now out of work for almost a month. the police report was sent to both insurances (mine & his) saying he is at fault. i and my insurance (state farm) have tried calling his AAA agent several times and they still have not called back. i have also called the supervisor with no returned phone call from her as well. ive asked my insurance and they basically told me to wait for them to call. im getting impatient and i was just wondering if anybody else has ever had this problem? im frustrated and not sure what to do.

What is the best and cheap health insurance?

I came form a different country so i dont have any insurance when i came to california. What is the best that i dont have to pay anything when emergency and cheap like $30 per month.

How can i get cheap insurance?

Im 17 and i live in London. I just go my Licence and i have a 2k budget for a car. And my dad said he is going to pay for insurance as long as it is a max of 3k So far the cheapest quote i got was 5k for a VW Polo 1.4L Petrol. I want a diesel car because, my dad said he will pay for it. So need help deciding what car to get, and how to get insurance up to 3k Please help guys""

Where to get Motor Trade insurance?

I'm 23 years old and I live in Bradford so getting a quote is near impossible. I've called a lot of Motor Trade insurance companies but none have been able to quote me either due to me being under 25 or because I live in Bradford. Do you guys know any companies I can try?

How does the car insurance differ between this vehicles?

I'm about to be 18 and am in the market for a used car. I currently drive an '05 Chevy Colorado and am paying maybe a little less than $80 per month. I'm looking at the BMW 3 series ('06-'08), Acura TL ('07-'08), Honda Accord Coupe ('08-'10), and the Acura TSX ('08-'09). Just wondering how much this would bump my insurance rate up and which would be the most practical as far as insurance goes. I have no wrecks or tickets on my record.""

""If I get in a car crash and my car is considered totaled, how much would insurance give me?""

Well I have a mustang but the blue book value on it is only like 4K, but I already have like 3k in mods added to it. How do they determine how much they give you? only by the top value of your car? I've heard of people getting more money then there cars were worth, and then they go and buy nicer cars.""

Is term life insurance better than whole life insurance ?

Someone on the radio said he didn't recommend whole life . Why is that ? I am 44 years old and am looking for around $50,000 coverage . What companies would be good for me ? Thanks for your help .""

How I Know Credit Card Insurance?

I would like to learn Credit card Insurance. Is it available in banks? How do i know, which bank offer very attractive manner? Which are all the bank tie up with insurance company? How to calculate the premium amount, sum assured and relevant details? Please give me detailed query.....""

Individual medical insurance plans?

I am getting ready to go into a contracting position and there is no medical insurance provided meaning I will have to supply the insurance for my family. Does anyone do this, and is the insurance deductible on the taxes? I am living in Indiana and the plan would cover 4 members including myself.""

License/Insurance question?

I have my permit and will be getting my license soon but I wanted to know after getting your driver's license do you automatically have to get insurance, or do you only need to get insurance if you have are driving someone's car.""

Home insurance, what can i expect on a newly built home?

Hello guys,   I am planning on building my own home, i lived with my parents for 3 years so i have some money accumilated. I am planning on a 250,000 dollar home with a 3 car garage and mostly electric components. It will be in a rural setting, in a subdivision or close to one. HOw much should i expect. And it will be 3 or 4 bd, 3 bath, and about 3,000 sq ft total    monthly?    thanks

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/what-company-maryland-has-affordable-health-isurance-michael-nolan/"

[captain-spookycandycollecti-blog]

How long after death are life insurance policies payable?

"How long after death are life insurance policies payable?

If a person dies, how long do the beneficiaries have to claim their payment?

BEST ANSWER:  Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://howmuchisinsurance.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr 

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How much does car insurance cost for a 15 year old girl?

I live in Denton, TX and I'm going to get my permit soon and my mom said I can't drive her car until I get insurance ! I started working recently and I can pay for it but i just need to know how much it is ! So can you please tell me the how much insurance will cost in Denton, TX for a 15 year old girl ! And also I want to save up to buy my car ! Whats some cute cars for a girl ! Something like a Altima or Fusion ! Thanks (:""

17 Year Old Motorbike Insurance?

What would you estimate the insurance costs are for a 17 year old riding a C.P.I Sprint 125CC?

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How does american income life compare to other insurance companies?

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""How much is car insurance? For example geico, progressive, the general, all state, 21 century, state farm etc.?""

Right now I'm still on my permit. Wen I get a liciense, I want to figure out how much it cost. For a 20 year old 21""

Why are the insurance rates high on a Ford Mustang?

Why are the insurance rates high on a Ford Mustang?

Will my insurance go up?

will my insurance go up if i got a ticket for carless operation? the officer said there wont be any points on my licence but if will my insurance go up? and will i get points on my insurance?

Really expensive insurance for new 16yo driver?

Hi, I'm 16 years old and I passed my driving test on Jan 23, 2014. I want to get insured asap and be added onto my fathers policy. Our insurance guy told us it would be around a MASSIVE $400 a month at the CHEAPEST!! Near $2,000 per 6 months, this can't be serious can it? Is our insurance referral ripping us off? My friend said it should be around $150 a month. ALSO.. Is it possible to get my own policy on my own at 16 and not be added to my dad's policy? I live in a SMALL town, Palm Springs in California. It's not like I'm in LA..""

What medical insurance company should I get?

What medical insurance should I get? My employer doesn't provide medical benefits anymore. I don't want to spend alot and I live in California.

""How much does a 25 years old male student pay for car insurance,tax for a 1.5 litre car & MOT as a new driver?""

I live in the West Midlands, just got my license looking to get an estimate of how much a car insurance costs as a 25 years old male, student. I also looking to know how much is tax for a 1.5 litre engine car plus MOT.""

How much is car insurance for a 2009 Benz C300?

I'm 27 years old. I live in the Bronx, New York. I have good credit. TransUnion: 765 Experian: 764 Equifax: 734 I want to financial or lease (I'm not exactly sure what the difference is. Do I still have to get full coverage regardless of which I choose?) a 2009 Benz C300. It's valued at about $30,000. I live in an apartment with my father who has a 2001 Pontiac Montana. He pays about $150-$200 per month in insurance. I tried to find out how much it would cost on Geico and they called me and told me it was gonna be $150 for the first month and $140 for the next seven months. I thought there must have been some mistake because how could it cost the same for a new car and raggedy car? The guy was like, Well, looks like we can get you a great price . Is this a ploy to get me to switch insurance companies and then they'll charge me higher rate after the first year or something? I think they must have thought I already own the car outright and didn't know I was planning on financing it. Or is it because we will have two cars from the same household an we'll get a multi-car discount. I know this was true when my brother had a car on the same policy with my dad and they got a discount, but they lived at separate places. Me and dad live together, so I think they won't even allow me to get insurance. Someone please tell if this is true or not. My friend, who thinks she knows it all, said its a scam and they will charge me alot more as soon as I sign up. But believe me she's just jealous cuz she's high class and I live in the Bronx and she makes way more than me and doesn't have a Benz. So, she is definitely just assuming. If you know for sure let me know you know or that you think that's what will happen. I assumed the insurance would be $400 - $450 per month. Also, if anyone has some idea what the financing per month with credit like mines on a car like this would be, that would also be appreciated. I have never been any serious car accidents, had a DUI or DWI. I hope someone has experience with financing a nice car and insuring, so I can get at least a ball park estimate on how much I will expect to be paying. Thanks for the help!""

""Affordable dentistry in Dallas, TX?""

I am currently looking for an affordable orthodontist this will most likely not be covered by insurance, so if you can please recommend me to an affordable dentist in the Dallas area, yes I have tried searching but sometimes its easier from hear abouts. Thank you""

What do you think about life insurance? Do you have it? Details below.?

My dad got life insurance 10 yeras ago, and now the price of the premium has increased 8 times more than what we were paying. Since his 10 years of life insurance at the affordable rate has expired, I'm thinking of asking him to renew it, but we were paying at such an affordable price. But he doesn't want life insurance and doesn't seem to care about protecting the family in case of his death. But I'm wondering, is life insurance that is something really worth it? My dad is a healthy individual. And even if we pay, would the premium have gotten up? My add is over 50, and I'm wondering if our premium will double even though if they check his health again. What do you think?""

Im 18-think insurance?

I want a car soo bad it has been 6 months since i passed my test.! what is the cheapest car which is likely 2 not break the bank i.e::: insurance, running costs, reliability. and another thing what is good 4 pullin birds (picking up the girls (slags))))?????""

Can you get temporary car insurance for say a month?

I just got my car but i cant register it till next week. I got a permit to drive it but I do not have insurance, so I heard you can get temporary car insurance for a month. Im not really sure though.. HELP!""

18 year old just trying to find health insurance...?

My mom retired last year and my parents decided that without the benefits, it was too expensive for me to be on their health insurance plan (it would have been ~$750 a month). I've been without insurance since August. I just turned 18 yesterday. I live in Connecticut and my parents are basically being lazy about it and not helping at all... even though I have an entire LIST of things I need to get checked out/surgery/medications, including wisdom teeth surgery (dental insurance, yay!!!!!) and I can't do ANY of it until I have insurance. I seriously have NO idea what to do and my parents procrastinate like crazy and I can't take being uninsured anymore. What do I do?!""

Car Insurance Premium?

I buy a new car on 02nd January 2012 for Rs 7,00,000.00. I paid Rs. 15,000.00 as insurance premium to HDFC for one year. My car met an accident & I claim Rs. 50000.00 to insurance company & claim settled. My question is here, will my insurance premium will be more than Rs 15,000.00 next year or the insurance premium will be calculated as per the car market value in next year ?""

What amount should I expect to pay for car insurance on a 2010 Camaro? I'm 18 years old.?

I am just finally getting my license. I go to the North Carolina School of Science and Math, have scored an 800 on multiple SAT Subject Tests (2190 on my SAT), and have made straight As throughout high school. I've also attended a driver's education class (while this applies more to driver's insurance instead of car insurance, I'd assume it still carries some weight). The Camaro is a 2010 V6 LT1. Am I going to have to pay like hell to afford this?""

Does a parking ticket effect my insurance?

I received a ticket today for not cramping my wheels to the curb while parking uphill. Will that effect my insurance? And will my parking violation appear anywhere on my insurance statement or any car paperwork? Thank you :)

""I'm 23 and wanting to buy a new car, how much more will I pay in insurance because of my age?

For example: I'm wanting to buy a 25k car. (new civic) I got quoted at $1500 for a 6 month policy full coverage. I have a clean record. How much does my age effect the quote all other things being equal. Will waiting till I'm 24 make a big difference in the quote?

No fault coverage of automobile insurance in California?

What is no-fault coverage? When you get in an accident, how it works? I don't know and understand the term.""

Insurance companies scoop on value of totaled car?

If the market in your area is much higher then what nada is, the insurance is going to do a market analysis. How far can they legally go out. Meaning how many miles. If I am in ...show more""

Who do you contact if you know somebody commiting fraud on there car insurance?

given someone elses address for cheaper insurance

Fellowship in insurance?

what is the scope for fellowship in life insurance and general insurance in india to start a career in insurance.

How long after death are life insurance policies payable?

If a person dies, how long do the beneficiaries have to claim their payment?

What kind of insurance plan covers theft of a vehicle?

I live in Los Angeles and I will soon be getting a 2005 Subaru sti i have been saving up for, but there's a lot of stolen cars in my area so I wated to know what insurance is good and cheap and that covers if my vehicle gets stolen. (I know that if it covers a stolen vehicle it's not going to be so cheap but 20 dollar a month less wownt hurt lol) (I've had my license for 1 year and 1/2 I'm 5 moths from being 18, so I'm still a minor. I've gotten 1 speeding ticket but has been taken care of in traffic school). thanks in Advance.""

Is there a way to get cheap car insurance at 16?

So I'm 16 and Ive had my restricted for over a year now but me nor my parents can afford a car or insurance right now. So i was thinking if i drove my moms car is there a way to get insurance cheap. Can i stay under my moms insurance? Is there a way to lie to the insurance company so that i can get it at an adult cost or at a cheaper cost? Anything? Thank you.

How much does high risk auto insurance cost?

How much does high risk auto insurance cost?

What is the average cost per mile to operate a car including depreciation maintenance gasoline insurance etc?

What is the average cost per mile to operate a car including depreciation maintenance gasoline insurance etc?

Do I really need to buy the insurance?

Renting a car from Enterprise, I don't have a car or insurance but I do have a Drivers Lic.....Is the insurance a scam? Or should I get it? I am in California.""

Car Insurance?

I want to cancel my insurance or rather freeze it until the 3 November. Would i get into trouble though if i took it to the garage when i had cancelled my insurance or eve froze it..

Should i move to California?

im a senior in high school, i just finished my junior year so its the summer in between lol. i really want to move to california. i also want to go to college there too but im just worried about it. its really been stressing me out alot lately. so do you have any advice or suggestions?""

Insurance stuff?

I have a first insurance right now, and medicaid as a second insurance. My husband still has a job but his contract is being taken over by another company, will medicaid cover the bills until i get his new insurance started?""

""Can I get affordable life insurance for 200,000 or more?""

Can I get affordable life insurance for 200,000 or more?""

What's a good website for comparing auto insurance rates in Massachusetts?

I don't feel like paying $2,000 for insurance on a car that's worth barely that, but I don't know where to find a better deal. Any good resources for comparing rates? I'm in Massachusetts.""

If you buy a car in full do you need to have collision coverage in your car insurance?

If you buy the car in full (pay for the car at once, not lease or financed) do you need to have collision coverage? If I get into an accident with somebody, wouldn't the other person's insurance pay for my car's damage? I'm planning to buy a used car for $17000 (paying in full) should I get collision coverage? also somebody explain Liability and full coverage for me (I guess full coverage is selecting every coverage when you lease for finance your car).""

Cost of Insurance for Nissan 350Z?

I am 18 years old (about to turn 19) and gonna buy a 350Z (well my parents are). I have always wanted one and I am getting it for looks and commuting only. But to be safe, I will buy a police radar and install a kill switch as soon as I get it. My question is how much would insurance be for a 2004-2005 Nissan 350Z? Would it be better to buy the Z in my parents' name under my parents' insurance? Also, I am curious of how much do any of you pay for a car like a 350Z.""

Estimate the affordable mortgage and the affordable purchase price for the Bergholts? Please help if you can.

Kim and Dan Bergholt are both government workers. They are considering purchasing a home in the Washington D.C. area for about $280,000. They estimate monthly expenses for utilities ...show more""

If i got a car as a gift and dont have insurance and a car hits me is that ok?

my friend gave me a car and i dont have insurance, but a guy hit me this morning, will his insurance pay for it?""

What the best life insurance for a 23 year old female?

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California bond problems ?

Anyone have a good link that explains this credit crunch with California. Why is California having a hard time funding its bonds. I need a thuro explanation and not the economy is weak, so investors aren't investing capital. If you dont have a link and can explain it yourself that would be fine also.""

How do I go about getting car insurance in another state?

I live in new york, i want to get car insurance in another state like maryland or delaware, i have friends in each state. What do i need to get car insurance there? Please help me...lots of details please...thank you""

What kind of cars are good for teens insurance wise?

I know it depends on where I live and many other variables but I'd like to know in general what gets the best rates. I'm looking at a 1993 chevrolet s10 5speed with a 4.3l v6 right now but I don't know how the insurance would be on it yet. I'm 18 years old in Canada and I've been driving for 2 years total (1 year g1/permit 1 year g2 class license) and now I'm about to go for my full g license. What should I be looking for? import/domestic? engine size? number of cylinders? cars or light trucks? size of engine in relation to size of car? I thought I might get some relief on the s10 since it's domestic, manual (less people want to steal?), I can make some extra money at work, and since only 3 people can fit (originally a 2 seater) less people would be injured in an accident? I don't know, what do you think i should be looking for?""

Good Car Insurance?

My dad is insured by Allstate and pays around 580, and now i have a license and want to get insured as well, but it would cost us around 1150. Does anyone know of a better car insurance for the both of use to go under for cheaper then 1150? We live in Maryland. thank you""

How much would my car insurance cost?

All I need is an estimate. Well Im looking forward to buying a 2005 honda civic 4dr & it has a salvage title

How much would I pay for motorcycle insurance in Hawaii?

How much would it cost to insure a 500cc or less motorcycle in Hawaii for a full-time female college student with a 3.0 or better GPA who is 19 years of age and single and has one speeding ticket on her record? I would just like a ballpark range to work with so I can decide whether or not I want to buy a motorcycle for going to college and work while I'm here in Hawaii. I passed a motorcycle safety course and have my M1 license. I want to know if I could afford the insurance.

Car totaled. Other drivers fault but have no insurance.?

I was the designated driver for my friends. Was driving friends car home and got in a car accident. Other driver ran the red when I turned. She admitted to it to the police but my friend has no insurance. Will he be penalized and will he receive any sort of compensation from the other drivers insurance for totaling his car. He also has $1200 left with his finance company. Will they charge him anything even though he will pay the remainder off?

In California what is traffic school for? Will my insurance still increase?

I am 19 and got a speeding ticket 85 in a 65 this is my FIRST ticket. I take full responsibility and am ready to accept my consequences. I am not one to drive like that but I was late that day. I know there is no excuse. Soon I am getting my own insurance under my own name. If I take traffic school besides not getting a point on my license will this also prevent insurance increases. If I go to get my insurance will this ticket affect me even though I took traffic school? I live in California and this is my first ticket I am 19 and male.

I need help with car insurance.?

I am saving up for a car but I don't wan't the car to be a sports car because the insurance would cost to much. Could you tell me which cars are not sports cars. 1967 chevy impala 1969 chevy nova 1969 plymouth Barracuda 1995 chevy camaro 1970 AMC Javelin Ford thunderbird ford firebird Thanks!

How long after death are life insurance policies payable?

If a person dies, how long do the beneficiaries have to claim their payment?

How long will my insurance quote last for?

I got a quote for 2184 on a car, but i haven't the car as of now, soon to get this week, no doubt the insurance will rise over the week so im wondering if my 2184 quote will expire straight away or i have a month or so to claim that 2184 insurance quote. Using Money Super Market.""

Would it be better for our government to give everyone health insurance or?

Produce more health care resources by increasing funding for medical schools and work to flood the market in health care services thus making it more affordable for everyone?

Will my car insurance rates increase? Please help?

I have a lease with the full mandated insurance in FL and I have Geico. There is construction on my building and while my car was parked in it's space apparently a rock or some piece of concrete from my building must have hit my moonroof and shattered it completely. I must have this fixed ASAP and am still working out who between my condo association and the construction company are going to pay for this. In the meantime I need to know if I call Geico about this incident will I be in jeopardy of having my rates increased? The car was parked in it's space, I was not driving, and it was not my fault. Thank you for answering.""

Paying to transfer insurance?

I brought a car a few years ago and I'm still not sure how state farm insurance works. Do you have to pay to have your insurance transfer over? I'm under my mothers policy still and our bill is combined. Can someone please help me? I'm buying a new car tomorrow and want to be prepared before. Thank you Only reason I'm asking is because when I first brought a car earlier this year state farm wanted 350 bucks on the spot while I was at the dealer ship. I don't want that to happen again. 28 minutes ago

Insurance quote!!!!!!!!?

abut how much will it cost to insure a 2002 suburban for a 16 yearold male in dallas texas with a 3.5 gpa

Will my premiums go up on car insurance if I'm not At Fault?

I live in the state of Michigan. Someone rear ended me at a stoplight. My tail light is broken and my bumper is sagging along with other minor scratches etc. I have 2 main questions ...show more

""I got a problem, my daughter just got her drivers license and because I could get cheaper insurance with?""

another company, I switched insurance companies. Needless to say yesterday when she was backing out of our car port she hit the carport pole and scratched my car pretty bad and knocked some trim off. The scratch bothers me the most because it's long and down to the metal and paint is chipping off. Can anyone tell me how I can fix this with out filing a claim?""

Help on medical insurance?

My girlfriend just lost her medical health insurance benefit from her job, and she is having difficulty finding an insurance provider because she is pregnant. Does anyone know of a health insurance company that will accept her? Thank you for your help.""

How much would my car insurance cost?

I'm planning to buy a 90's bmw 325 or 328. I'm 20 years old, almost 21. So far I have been driving around in my parents' cars, both of which I'm insured on under my parents' names. I have been driving for 3 and a half years and during that time I have only gotten pulled over once because my front license plate had fallen off, so statistically speaking I am a quite responsible driver. What do you reckon my insurance bill will roughly be? I live in east Washington State""

Written off car insurance?

ive recently written off my car, does my policy continue after they have paid me ? ie if i get a new car with the settlement money, can i put that on the existing policy, as there is ...show more""

How much will car insurance go up for getting 2 points?

How much will car insurance go up for getting 2 points?

What is an insurance quote?

I just want to know what it is because I always here it on car insurance commercials

How do I know if my auto insurance settlement offer is fair?

How do I know if my auto insurance settlement offer is fair?

What are some reasons why someone would need permanent life insurance?

I dealt with over 150 clients in my career and haven't found a single reason why someone would need permanent life insurance. All my clients have term insurance b/c I don't see why anyone would need life insurance forever. I believe someone needs life insurance at the time when they need it most, which is when they have little savings and lots of debt to pay (such as a mortgage). While I protect the client's income with term life insurance, I also help them save money for retirement by opening IRAs and/or variable annuities or tax-exempt mutual funds. For kid's education, I use either a 529 Plan, Coverdell, or UGMA. For estate planning, I setup trust funds.""

What is the insurance on a Yamaha R1?

I am thinking about buying a 2001 Yamaha R1. I am 18 years old. I have a clean driving record and have never been pulled over. (Knock on wood) I have a car already, if that matters. I would like to get it insured if possible. How much do you think the insurance will be a month/year? Also, what would be a good company? *Before you answer please I don't want your opinion on if it's a good idea to get the bike because I've seen a lot of answered on opinion of bikes and not what the insurance will be.""

What is gap insurance?

My insurance co is paying only part of what I owe of the value of my car is was considered a total loss - after using the gap insurance does it erase the debt that I have with the bank and can I use the same bank to finance a new car?

How much is too much for insurance?

Hello. i own a 300zx twin turbo, i have modified it my self with some stuff.. but thats not importent right now. my question is that the cheapest insurance i can get for it with full coverage is around 250 a month..Im willing to pay for it, just because i love everything about this car.. but to my self i think its far too much. im 19 years old, and i was wondering what kinda stuff brings down the amount i would have to pay for insurance? ( i got my license when i was 18, ive had it for about a year now) thanks.""

Cheap insurance in michigan?

Hi i live in Taylor MI and im trying to find cheap insurance for a 2008 ford focus

Aviation Insurance Question.?

How much do universities with aviation departments spend on average to insure their entire fleet of training aircraft annually?

Car insurance?

Ok, cheap me has been trying to find a second hand car (Opel corsa). Found one I might like at about 29k with a mileage of 167k on Carfind. Tried to get an eQuote from First for women - (I'm still waiting). Anyone could suggest any other reasonable insurance companies I could try? Or do any of you know how much I would be paying for insurance, just an estimate. Would also love some help with any other cars (preferably Opel corsa) at reasonable rates. Looking between 20-35k and no more than R800p/m. If anyone has info please contact me by email. Thank you PS: I'm in Johannesburg (Northen Suburbs)""

17 year old car insurance prices ?

im comparing cars on moneysupermarket because im 16 an need a heads up on insurances costs etc... but i compared a classis mini 1.0- annual: 6000 and Monthly: 650 also, 2007 vauxhall corsa 1.0- annual: 8000 Monthly: 852 and a 1993 Ford Fiesta 1.1- annual: 12000 Monthly: 1152 now i can sort of understand the price for the mini, due to its a small car with a small engine, but the corsa's like brand new? how can the insurance be sort of lowish. but why are they charging huge amounts for a fiesta that is older than me and is probably falling to piece's slowly ? im so confused :S can some one help me and please explain this i really want to be able to have a first car at 17 but at this rate i might be stuck on a motorcycle for a few years then maybe have enough money to afford a car :/""

How much would insurance be for a driving school ?

I'm doing a business plan for a school project, I need to have a cash flow for a year and I would like to know how much comprehensive car insurance would be per month. the car I've planned to use is a 2005 TOYOTA CAMRY MCV36R ALTISE""

Is health insurance haram?

Hey, We're supposed to write an essay on any topic of our choice and show it relates to well being and opportunity in Canada while addressing inequalities (that part is optional). I'm thinking of writing on Private Health Insurance in Canada. But first i wanna know if health insurance is haram. Also what can I focus on on in terms of health insurance. Should I focus on their good side/bad side, etc. Any suggestions?""

How much will insurance be on a 125cc scooter?

I will soon be 17, and considering buying a 125cc scooter. It will be my first motor vehicle , never had a moped, car is too expensive etc. I live in a rural area so would be using it to get to nearby places. If i buy one, and after i take the CBT test, how much roughly would insurance be? Any other info on related costs appreciated.....thanks""

Do parents really expect their teens in highschool to pay for their own cars?

Its enraging when I hear my parents/parents in general tell their kids, who have their licenses to pay for a car yourself . Not even a split? A loan? These kids are still in highschool! Even after highschool in college, I just don't see how one can pay for even a cheap used car themselves unless they dedicate their life and save every penny for the damn car. People that age usually earn close to minimum wage, and if they spend all their time working instead of studying, that's all their ever going to make. Ex) my friend earns 9.25 hourly at a grocery store (he's worked there for a while so its not exact minimum wage), and works 40 hours a week. He is ALWAYS at work. At the end of the week, his checks are worth about 338 after taxes. A crappy used car is probably about 5000? I'm not fully sure. Someone that age would have to work 40 hours a week for quite a long time. Since they're teenagers, that would pretty much leave them no time for studying/doing homework and a social life in general. Don't parents want their children to perform well academically as well? Aside from financial issues of their own, why wouldn't a parent with a decent amount of money atleast agree to help their responsible teenager pay for a used or inexpensive car? I'm not suggesting brand new BMWs or mercades, but why not like an 06/07 used toyota or honda in good condition? Why not agree to help pay for.half or a smaller fraction of it? And don't they get sick of their kids always using their cars? What do you think?""

How long after death are life insurance policies payable?

If a person dies, how long do the beneficiaries have to claim their payment?

Can you have insurance on a car that isn't yours?

My girl friend has a car but lost her job and can't afford to pay insurance. Can i put the insurance in my name for a car that she owns?

Is insurance on bikes cheaper than cars at 17?

I am thinking of getting a bike when I'm 17 but I was wondering which one is cheaper? If I chose a bike it will probably be a 125cc but if I chose a car it will be like a ford fiesta type. Which one is cheaper to run and maintain?

Could you tell me everything i need to know about insurance in a simplified version?

About bills and insurance and all that?

Do you have health insurance?

if so, how much is it per month? how old are you? what kind of deducatble do you have? Feel free to answer also if you do not have insurance and do you support obamacare?""

Why is car insurance more expensive based on age than value?

I am trying to shop for a new car but I want to know if I can manage the monthly expenses such as insurance and gas. I am interested in the 2011 Nissan Altima 2.5 S Coupe the Kelley Blue book value for the car is $17,000. The car has really good gas but I was shock to see the estimated quote for car insurance to be over a $100 a month. I was also interested in the 2008 Lexus IS 250 and the Kelley Blue Book value is $21,000. The gas for the car is okay but not as good as the nissan but the estimated car insurance quote to my surprise was only $45 a month. That doesn't really make any sense shouldn't it be more expensive since the car is worth more?""

Will my car insurance price increase with my mother as an additional driver?

Hey guys, My mother has had two accidents in the past, one of which was her fault.""

How to rebuild credit score?

I can't get approved for a credit card because I couldn't pay my car payment or car insurance for 2 months cause I lost my job. Although my credit score is around 530, which isn't too bad. But I have a lot of inquiries on my report from trying to get a car loan a couple years ago.. Now I'm trying to get a loan for school.. So what are my options?""

Car insurance for men vs. women?

I was debating with a male that all other things equal that female car insurance is typically less then males. He was arguing that its the other way around. Who pays more for car insurance, men or women? And is there a accurate website I can look at for these statistics?""

Consequence of lending your car in terms of car insurance?

If I lend my car to my brother or sister, but I have car insurance, will they get a ticket when they drive? The car insurance covers the cost of the damage to the car, so does it matter who is driving it? What is the purpose of having someone as a secondary driver?""

How much will my insurance company give me for a totaled car?

i bought a 2000 Oldsmobile Alero and totaled it less than a month later. the kbb value of the car is about $3000. Can anyone tell me about how much i should get from the insurance company?

Car Insurance Company have had my car for OVER A YEAR.?

Ok, so this is a little complicated... Oct 2008 I had a car accident. My car was written off. My car was towed to a garage and was held there while the insurance company evaluated the damage. THAT WAS THE LAST TIME I SAW MY CAR. Because the size of my excess (800) and the amount of damage matched the value of the car (800) I was advised it would be pointless to claim on the insurance and it was written off. The accident was my fault and I held my hands up and admitted it and the other party walked away with everything sorted. No suggestion of fraud and certainly nothing fraudulent on my part. Towards the end of 2008 my insurance company started falling off the radar, not returning my calls or my emails, letters etc. I repeatedly asked what I was supposed to do next (I'd never had an accident before and the whole process confused me because they kept giving me conflicting info) and where my car was. I was ignored (or given incorrect info). In the end I declared a SORN on the car and had so much going on in my personal life, I forgot about it, knowing the car was off the road. Anyway, I'm now trying to track the car down as the SORN is about to run out. Insurance company are still off the radar and refusing to answer. Now they're saying they have no record of me, my policy OR my car. So I've lost my car, I don't know who's got it and yet I'm still liable for it. What can I do? Can I get the police involved? Trading standards? ANYTHING? I don't care about the car, whoever has it can keep it! I just don't want to be liable for it! By the way, the insurance company involved is SwiftCover.com, in case anyone is thinking of going with them because they're cheap. They're cheap because they're RUBBISH.""

Does anybody no any cheap car insurance company for young male drivers plz help in Ireland thank you?

Does anybody no any cheap car insurance company for young male drivers plz help in Ireland thank you?

Anyone know a good Home Insurance company in California?

We recently purchased a new home to use as a renter. Our real estate agent told us to purchase and insurance policy from Old Republic to cover anything that could be wrong with the house since it was built in the 80's. An inspector looked at the house prior to our purchase and didn't notice anything with the property. Once the house was occupied by our renter, he noticed that the lights would shut off and stay off for a few hours. Old republic sent an electrician over and he told us that the prior owner had replaced a new breaker on top of a broken buster. He reported back to old republic and they stated that the insurance didn't cover anything that was not installed correctly. We were precise to inform our agent of the policy we needed for the house. We were not sure what work the house had done prior to our purchase so that is why we purchased the insurance. The policy we had was Old Republic Home Warranty Plan. That is what our agent advised us to get. Now, what can we legally do to help cover our out of the pocket expense of over a grand. Is there a policy that anyone would recommend for a rental house. Let me add that we do have home owners insurance but it only covers fires, floods, etc. (Please no unnecessary comments, this is an important question and need real honest advise.) Thank you in advance to all who respond and hopefully this could help others who read it as well.""

Insurance on a 2006 scion tc?

I'm a 20 year old male living in Washington state, 1 ticket in last 3 years (October 2011), 2 door automatic transmission, progressive insurance with minimum coverage REQUIRED TO ABTAIN A LOAN. Thanks! :)""

Individual: How much more expensive/cheaper is Obamacare compared to other medical insurance plans?

Also does Obamacare give you more or less benefits.

Best life insurance policy and mediclaim policy?

Recently my father (age 62) surrendered the insurance policy without my knowledge.. I decide to take a new one for life and health insurance..Please suggest the best one....

Average motorcycle insurance?

I'm 22 and I pay right at 100 a month for insurance. How much does a regular sports bike cost to add insurance on? I know it depends on the bike but for like a GSXR 600.

""How can I tell the difference between regular car insurance policy ,and a group insurance policy?""

How can I tell the difference between a regular car insurance policy ,and a group insurance policy?""

Car insurance question?

I live in indiana and my friend lives in texas. He has car loan for a car but is going to let me just take over the payments. The loan will still be in his name but I will be paying for it. Can I get the car insurance under my name??

Tips for cheaper car insurance?

I'm 19 next month and just passed my test in October and now also got a pass plus certificate but insurance is still sky high like 4000 a year Just for a 1.2 Vauxhall Corsa sxi.

""Does the bank require you to buy flood insurance in antioch, oakley area? (california)?""

Does the bank require you to buy flood insurance in antioch, oakley area? (california)?""

Car insurance for 17 year olds in the UK?

How could i get a cheap car insurance and what would be the cheapest price? every site i have been on it said about 3000 and that would be more then what the actual car costs.

What is the difference between non-owner car insurance and a bond?

What is the difference between non-owner car insurance and a bond?

Why are my health insurance rates so high?

what causes health insurance rate increases?

Can I afford motorcycle insurance?

So here is my situation: I currently own a 2003 Toyota Matrix that I make payments on. In between the payments and the insurance and gas, it costs about $350 a month to have that car. For the last couple years I've been really interested in getting a motorcycle, specifically a newer Kawasaki. According to my research, I could find a Kawasaki Ninja 250cc for somewhere around $3000. My question is basically how much insurance do I need? Right now I have comprehensive coverage for my car so that if I'm in a wreck and it's totaled I can replace it. If I had a bike AND my car though, I don't want replacement coverage for a secondary vehicle (even one as cool as a motorcycle). I got quotes from Geico and State Farm that put my minimum amount of insurance a month in the neighborhood of around $30. Does this sound accurate to anyone? Also, can anyone just give me some sound advice about owning both vehicles and whether it's worth it?""

How long after death are life insurance policies payable?

If a person dies, how long do the beneficiaries have to claim their payment?

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