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sylviacelestial · 5 years ago

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Not related to 19 days so you don't have to answer. but I'm curious to know what are your thoughts on given specifically about akihiko&ugets "relationship" and how they still were having that "relationship" even after the initial break up in highschool. and how it completely ended in chapter27. i think that it was heartbreaking but at the same time it was needed? If that makes sense

Good evening, dear anon-san! (_ _)

I’m so sorry I have kept you waiting this long. I needed to catch up with the manga to answer your question and then my inbox got suddenly filled with 19 Days asks and I thought I would go through a couple of them first. Again, I apologize for the wait. Thank you for your patience! (_ _) Also, I don’t mind questions about other stories than 19 Days at all! This was very refreshing and exciting.

My thoughts on Given and AkiUgetsu

I absolutely loved Given. I have read a lot of yaoi and shounen-ai works but I would have to say Given is the best BL I have come across. (The very close second would probably be Hodokeru Kaibutsu and Hadakeru Kaibutsu by Ogeretsu Tanaka.) Given’s characters and relationships are complex, the development is well-paced and realistic, the premise is unique, and all of that is wrapped nicely in the blanket theme of music. The anime adaptation was great, too, and Mafuyu’s song ripped my poor heart to shreds.

Perhaps not surprisingly given my track record of the type of characters I tend to fall in love with, Ugetsu immediately became my favorite character. He was dark and a little twisted, insanely talented, beautiful and sensual. To me, Ugetsu was and still is the most complex and interesting character in Given. Also, as soon as it was clear his and Akihiko’s relationship status was very much in the realm of “it’s complicated”, AkiUgetsu became my OTP. I was instantly drawn to them as a couple. They stroked my need for dark, twisted, complicated, and dysfunctional so good.

My thoughts on the AkiUgetsu development

I think Akihiiko and Ugetsu’s relationship was sparked under unfortunate signs and was doomed to fail from the get-go. Mentally it was painful and violent right from the start.

Akihiko’s love was entwined with his envy for Ugetsu. He was drawn to Ugetsu but at the same time resented him. When faced by Ugetsu’s mass of prodigy talent, Akihiko felt defeated and gave up on the violin despite being fairly confident in his music prior to that. He loved Ugetsu and cared about him, but that love immediately made him give up on his dreams and run away from challenges. Gradually, he lost sight of his passion for music. Even if the love was real for both of them, that is not the kind of foundation that could carry a happy relationship.

Ugetsu saw Akihiko slowly but surely losing his motivation and passion, too. I’m sure he just didn’t know what was causing it and he didn’t know how to help him.

He wanted to find a trigger that would spark a change in Akihiko and return him to how Ugetsu remembered him in the beginning. The thing is, though, I don’t think Ugetsu is a comforting character. He’s not the type who would stand in the sidelines cheering for Akihiko or have a heart-to-heart about his lost motivation. Akihiko’s attitude bothered him and made him sad but to me, it always looked like he didn’t think it was up to him to raise Akihiko’s spirits. No one but Akihiko himself could rekindle his passion and find the drive to improve. He didn’t want to see Akihiko’s half-hearted efforts and was pretty open about it. I’ve always felt like he thought Akihiko was settling for less and on some level, he looked down on Akihiko for playing the drums in a band.

What makes Ugetsu’s position heartbreaking is that I don’t think he saw it was him and their relationship that ultimately snuffed out Akihiko’s passion. Or that it was his talent that had been planted that seed from the beginning. At least not in so many words. He came to realize the change and what had probably triggered it at the second live performance. Akihiko had found his new trigger and he had found it somewhere else than with Ugetsu. I don’t think any of that was Ugetsu’s fault, though. It wasn’t his fault that Akihiko gave up. Their relationship was just doomed from the beginning.

I think their first break-up in high school was what made Ugetsu’s such an interesting character to me. It spoke volumes of how complicated of a person he was. I think being in control and keeping a distance around himself is very important to Ugetsu.

When Akihiko bought the mug and moved in, he breached Ugetsu’s sense of space and control. I’m sure his reaction to Akihiko’s gift surprised both of them, and Ugetsu felt bad for shattering the mug. It looked like Ugetsu’s heart was torn in two directions. Later on, he got used to Akihiko’s presence, but I think the mug incident was a sign that Ugetsu needed the feeling of having a tight grip around his own priorities. He loved Akihiko but…

…his love for Akihiko ultimately distracted his love for music. Creating and playing music was who Ugetsu was as a person. It consumed him as a whole and having that kind of single-track mind was Ugetsu’s lifeline. Anything or anyone disturbing it made him feel uneasy and like he wasn’t in control of his own feelings and freedom anymore. Because he loved Akihiko, he became something Ugetsu started to chase instead of music. Ugetsu chases big emotions in his music but his love for Akihiko was threatening to come in the way of that by occupying his mind with something else.

I don’t know if I’m projecting too much but I resonate with that feeling. When I get into something, it quickly becomes my passion and drives my ambitions. I become obsessed and consumed and feel like other interests threaten my relationship with that special thing. They threaten my sense of “control”, so I push them away. I make a choice to not follow some other paths next to what I’m interested in, and I feel like that was going on with Ugetsu when he decided to break up with Akihiko the first time. That, and he could see Akihiko’s passion for music slowly withering away next to him.

But instead of separating completely, they stayed as “roommates” and fell into this back-and-forth of a relationship that was painful for both of them. Neither of them was able to pull the plug on their relationship. They were unable to let go but hurt each other by staying together.

They weren’t just roommates even after breaking up. Their relationship had become stale and repetitive - a painful cycle of both their good and bad times going around over and over again. After being apart for a while, they reminisced what they loved about each other but soon after, Ugetsu would find a new man which painfully crashed Akihiko back to earth. It was like breaking up a hundred times instead of just once.

It seemed they also had sex occasionally after breaking up. Another thing that further complicated things.

I think the sex between them as “roommates” took a rather dark tone. Sex was about power and territory and a way for Akihiko to take his frustration out on something. As Ugetsu kept trying to push Akihiko away by sleeping with other guys, Akihiko had the growing need to assert his status and reclaim Ugetsu via sex. Seeing Ugetsu with others was painful, and the more it hurt, the more he tried to cling onto Ugetsu physically. And Ugetsu let him.

Before long, though, this whole cycle became suffocating for Akihiko. The place he had once cherished and felt like he belonged to had become a pit he couldn’t climb out of. He couldn’t get out and nothing from the outside could get in.

Again, I’m not blaming either of them for that. Or if I did I would say they’re both guilty. Neither of them was able to take the final step despite seeing how much they were making each other suffer. Overall, AkiUgetsu has beautiful parallels to how Mafuyu is struggling with letting go of Yuki’s ghost and moving on with the precious memories still in his heart.

As someone who loves Ugetsu to death, the buildup that eventually led to their final break-up was probably the most heartbreaking part for me. Firstly, there was the time Ugetsu waited for Akihiko to come home.

How distracted and pained Ugetsu was by Akihiko’s absence spoke volumes of how close to Ugetsu’s heart Akihiko had managed to nestle over the years. Despite their first break-up, he loved Akihiko to death, and to finally come face-to-face with the possibility that Akihiko wouldn’t come back must have felt like dying. Akihiko had seen parts of him that no one had probably ever seen before, and every one of those parts Akihiko had touched must have hurt.

I must admit, watching Ugetsu in so much pain while Akihiko was having fun with Haruki made me…angry. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that Akihiko is the one needing to be saved and was helped by Haruki while Ugetsu had no one to catch him. It wasn’t fair that Ugetsu had become this suffocating thing for Akihiko despite loving him and someone Akihiko needed to get away from. So yeah, I was angry and bitter.

However, I want to stress that it was only because my heart was aching for Ugetsu. I don’t hate Akihiko for trying to break free from his suffocating pit and finding someone who can restore his breathing. I don’t hate him for wanting to see the fireworks again. I’ve been in his position in real life and know how freeing that time with Haruki must have felt. It was something he needed to do for himself. My frustration stems purely from my own bias for Ugetsu and how I relate to him. I don’t hate Akihiko, Haruki, AkiHaru, or think the author somehow wronged the characters. I think it was rather realistic how it all went down.

What broke my heart for Ugetsu the most was that he was essentially left behind. I always feel for those kinds of characters. Despite waiting for Akihiko to finally leave, Ugetsu still panics when Akihiko tells him he’s going to move out.

Ugetsu had tried to leave Akihiko many times and been waiting for him to let go of Ugetsu. But when the time finally comes. it’s as if it’s Ugetsu’s instinct that kicks in and he lashes out. He wants to stop hurting Akihiko but not being with him hurts even more because it’s a sudden surge of pain instead of a steady undertone, so his knee-jerk reaction is to protect himself from that. And it’s painful to come to realize that Akihiko is the one walking away. He had found something outside their basement apartment that was giving him the courage to leave Ugetsu. I’m sure it all - the good and bad of their relationship - wrapped together in Ugetsu’s head, and to him, it felt like Akihiko was also walking away from how much he loved Ugetsu. It hurt, and he didn’t want to hear it. It was him about getting mad at the person finally doing something they both knew had to be done.

Before I continue, I want to thank you, dear anon-san. I had been putting off reading the chapter about their final teary goodbyes for the longest time, but your ask finally gave me the push to get it over with. I had always known they were going to break up and I had seen panels of it floating around, but that part had always been an emotionally wrecking hump in Given that I’ve been avoiding. So, thank you for ripping off the bandaid for me.

To my surprise, their goodbyes weren’t as painful as I had dreaded. It hurt my soul but it was painful in a different way than I had expected.

I could feel Ugetsu’s pain and bitterness in my teeth but also - and perhaps a bit surprisingly - Akihiko’s comfort for him despite what they were going through. He didn’t want Ugetsu to think that while Akihiko was walking away from him, it meant he hadn’t loved Ugetsu from the bottom of his heart. He had. He admired Ugetsu and cared about him, but their relationship was also partly why Akihiko’s own drive for music had been fading out. Akihiko had loved the violin more than anything and poured a lot of effort into it. And even though he was now playing a different instrument, he was never going to forget the violin or let that spark and passion, now rekindled, die out. He was going to keep at the violin but it was going to be to a different tune.

I think that’s comforting. I didn’t have the feeling of left behind for Ugetsu as strong in my heart anymore. Ugetsu’s love wasn’t poison but something that had made Akihiko very happy in the past.

I also think it was very telling how Ugetsu still turned around to reach for Akihiko in the end.

It was that hard for him to let him go. Ugetsu feels big and deep, and his love for Akihiko was no different. I’ve always been grateful for Mafuyu and Ugetsu bonding. How Mafuyu had managed to affect Ugetsu was no doubt a big comfort in the turmoil of Akihiko leaving him. New daws were breaking for both Ugetsu and Mafuyu, and it was scary and painful for both of them.

I was also comforted by how despite the pain AkiUgetsu had gone through, there had always been “music”. It had surrounded them in the enclosed cocoon of the basement apartment and allowed them to be just for each other. Over the years, it had soaked in all their good times, memories, and their love for each other. And after Akihiko left, Ugetsu wished that the music alone would always remain in the house.

In conclusion, despite how much I ship AkiUgetsu, I would agree that their break-up made sense and was needed in the story. They were both unhappy in the relationship, and I don’t know if there would ever have been any ways to make them happy and content with each other. I believe they loved each other and they had a lot of happy times, but they were kind of heading towards a dead-end from the beginning. If Akihiko’s reaction to Ugetsu’s talent had been different or if they had found a solution by communication about their problems, they could have perhaps stayed together. But I don’t know if any of those changes in characters would have been possible while they were still around each other.

And yet, I ship them. I ship them to hell and back. They are very much my jam. I love Ugetsu’s sensual darkness and him being a little mischievous and twisted. I love how big his emotions are and the contrast they create with his seemingly distant and hard-to-approach demeanor. I would kill human people for his genuine smile. I love Akihiko’s big build and rough appearances. I love his possessiveness and strength. I love how Ugetsu gets under his skin sometimes. I love how he can be both gentle and forceful with Ugetsu. I love how he’s made Ugetsu feel like he can trust Akihiko. I love the angst of them loving each but also kind of bringing out the worst in each other. I love them creating their own little world in that basement where it’s only them and music.

I just love them. Also, I can’t wait for the movie to come out so I can have my AkiUgetsu heart ripped out of my chest in animation.

Thank you for your question, dear anon-san! (_ _) I hope it was worth the wait.

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