sweetlilpeonies

[sweetlilpeonies]

A dedication post to my qawwam ar-Rijal ♡

Dear my lovely husband, by the time I'm typing out this post, alhamdulillah that we've been married for approximately 9 days! May Allah allow us to be blessed with His love till forever, insya Allah.

3 years of transitioning from one phase to another is mindblowing. A stranger to each other at first, then we became friend who spent time together, to getting engaged and finally decided to start our life together by marrying each other. It was unbelievable up to this day.

It was hard, at least for me. To break the walls that I've been building all these years before I met you in Aug 2019. I didn't believe in marriage to be honest after things that happened to me. But, as we plan, we tend to forget that Allah is the best planner of all. You are surely one of the best things that ever happened in my life, and I will forever be thankful to Allah for that ♡

May Allah will always protect you from any harm, sadness and difficulties in this world and hereafter,

May Allah grant you only the best in this world and hereafter,

And may Allah reward you with the highest ranking of Jannah and may you enter the paradise from any doors that you wish for,

For you have become the kindest man who respects, protects, and nurtures me in the best possible ways you are capable of.

I love you so much, husband ♡

[sweetlilpeonies]

Hello. I've been keeping this for quite a while, but today I will just force myself of typing this out. Well, an update of my life so I can reminisce the moment in the future. I hope so.

I'M ENGAGED! YAAAAS GIRL. YOU READ IT RIGHT! 😭💍

Alhamdulillah, I'm officially engaged to no one else, other than that one particular person whom I've been friend with since 2019 (you know who :P)

I don't think that I can write about anything that happened on that day bcs to be honest, I could barely remember the details. But I'm just grateful that Allah have made it easy for both of our families.

Sometimes rasa macam malu sangat dekat Allah, sebab rasa tak layak sangat untuk someone yang I think who's much much kinder and nicer than me. Tak pernah sangka ada lelaki sebaik tu wujud dalam dunia. I don't deserve him at all pun aku rasa. On a scale of 1 to 10, compared to him, I rate myself at 2 while dia maybe at 7 or 8?

Ah. This post should be a happy one but it didn't turn out as it is supposed to be.

My life has been great and worse. I'm kind of losing myself slowly. I don't even know how to sail my life wisely right now. I'm the lost captain.

Sighed.

I'm glad that I met him along the way, but at the same time, I feel guilty for being a burden to him. Am I making the right decision?

[sweetlilpeonies]

Dah lama betul eh tak tulis kat sini. Well, hello my safe space! How's life?

Life has been great and worst at the same time. But I guess that's how it suppose to be. One moment you are on cloud nine, while in another few seconds you're already at the bottom rock. After going back and forth to the hospital for almost a year, I finally decided to write some update. Lame, I'm sorry.

I was diagnosed with ear infection followed by lymph node tuberculosis. The TB took a toll on my health. I have suffered from chest pain, weight loss, countless fever, etc. Fast forward, I recovered from TB after six months of medication treatment. Unfortunately, my ear infection is still getting worse day by day. Let's pray that my ear will get better soon, okay?

Oh yep, and another important life update is I have resigned on 18th March 2021 (wow, I really remember everything that happened to me, didn't I?). Due to endless lockdown, my company couldn't survive to pay us. It was sad. I love my job, very much. But it's okay. Everything happens for a reason. Kalau kita tak tahu hikmahnya sekarang pun, sooner or later kita akan faham why Allah did all of these.

I guess that's the update for now. Dah lama gila tangguh nak luahkan semua ni. Banyak lagi sebenarnya tapi tak terluah. Apa-apa pun, be strong ok Zahidah. Have faith on Allah. Fighting!

[sweetlilpeonies]

An Update

Hello. It's been a while. To be honest, I couldn't really remember how it feels like, to spill all these mixed feelings inside me. Just as a memo to myself, starting from 1st June 2021, we are going to have our **sorry i lost count** total lockdown for the whole country. For sure, it surely impacts a lot to many people.

I've listened to my friend crying over the phone due to her new job she just assigned to. I've read a very long text message of my friend confessing how stressed she is dealing with her depression. I've read a lot of stories on social media how people try their very best just to put some foods on the tables for their kids.

And, me myself who got affected too during this pandemic. I had to quit my job as my company could no longer afford to operate. The saddest part was, I really love that job.

I guess no one is expecting this. How torturous Covid19 has taking its toll on us, our social life, career, relationships, financial, economy, etc.

[sweetlilpeonies]

“Kerana kita sering jatuh cinta pada aksara yang sama, namun pada waktu yang berbeda”

— Nurzahidah

[sweetlilpeonies]

“I was longing for tomorrow, Where the sun shines bright, And the moon glooms white. I was calling for hopes, As my heart already drenched, In a sea of torture.”

— Nurzahidah

[sweetlilpeonies]

An improvised version, I guess.

Lalu, perkhabaran bagaimana yang engkau ingin ku sampaikan? Sedangkan ternyata di pengakhiran ceritera, aku ini sekadar picisan pada mata-mata orang dan juga cuma debu di pinggiran jalan yang engkau lewati.

Lalu tentang apa yang kau ingin aku khabarkan walaupun pada hakikatnya di pengakhiran ceritera, aku ini cuma picisan pada kebanyakan orang.

[sweetlilpeonies]

Random pictures bcs why not

[sweetlilpeonies]

It was my appointment with the doctor yesterday at Hospital Serdang. I went there by myself. I parked my car at MAEPS, and took a shuttle bus to the hospital's lobby. Had to que up for the long line due to the new SOPs. This was not my very first time going there alone actually. Hence why this post is created. There's so much sadness.

I had to go back and forth from ENT (Ear,Nose & Throat) Clinic to registration counters due to certain issues. And alhamdulillah, finally I got my turn 🙂

My 1st session was I had to do my audio test. I had lost some of my left hearing sense but the audiographer said it will be for temporal time. From the result, the level of my deafness (?), was moderate. Which means, I can still hear when people talk to me but when it comes to a very soft sound, I can't help but not hearing it.

And then I have to wait for my turn to see the doctor. Once I enter the room, I could already predict what the doctor gonna do to me. And yes for the 100th times, my ears were being checked with the ear-checking instrument 😂 But she couldn't find anything significant related to my hearing. Only that she said that there was a hole, but didn't elaborate more on it 😱

As she was not so sure about the conditions of my ears, she called out the senior doctor. I guess she is the expertise. The doctor suggested to my doctor to run nasal endoscopy, where they inserted camera with light through my nose and ears 🙂 but ofc, the doctor had sprayed with some sort of nasal decongestant (idk i google this) as he said it will helped to reduce the pain.

It was a very painful experience! 😂 Bloods was everywhere. I guess that is how the swab test for Covid19 feels like.

From there, they found something inside my canal. So they had to take samples of it from BOTH OF EACH NASAL 😭 It was funny to think that the camera and the instrument could fit in into this small hole of my nose 🤣

After taking all the informations they needed, such as my family members and my personal past medical history, my doctor set up my next appointment to be within another one week. And by the way, no doctors in my whole life ever tell me that my tonsils have different sizes that one is slightly bigger than the other one?! After all this while 😂

Anyways, let us just pray and hope that it is not a cancerous cell 😊

[sweetlilpeonies]

Banyak benda yang terjadi lately. Long story short, I rejected a job offer to work in Semenyih and an interview as a lab executive somewhere in PJ. And currently, I'm preparing for my third SPA's online examination this Friday.

People kept asking me "Why you rejected it?",

But I don't have specific reasons, and I kept giving them excuses that I made by my own. To be honest, I just feel uneasy everytime I think about the offers, and I take that as an answer to my istikharaah prayers. No?

Susah jadi dewasa. I just don't know either I have made the right or wrong decision. Tak boleh la nak berharap dekat orang lain untuk decide, because this is my life kan? I'm the one who should be responsible for it. And I fear judgemental person. I know people who will throw out mean words for the decision that I made. Deep inside, I feel like I wanna smack their heads 😄

Life is just too complicated. Or maybe it just me yang complicated. But whatever it is, may Allah will bring me to anything that will lead me closer to Him & bring benefits to people/things around me. Semoga Allah gunakan Zahidah, di jalanNya.

[sweetlilpeonies]

Thank god i have tumblr, at least i can talk to myself.

[sweetlilpeonies]

Talking about insecurities, do you know how many times did I doubt the potentials in me?

EVERY. FREAKING. SECONDS.

I was worried that I would not be capable of doing my jobs perfectly, I was worried that my boss didn't approve my works, and I was worried that my money in the bank would run out eventually. Really. Worried.

But these are all dunyawi things. I feel guilty for concerning too much about materialistic things and forget about my akhiraah. I come to a conclusion that, as long as I already put enough efforts on something, then I should just let Allah handle it in the best way. Insya Allah, by hook or crook, I can actually figure out with the best solutions if thing goes wrong. Because Allah will always be there, to help and heal me everytime.

I just love talking to Allah. Sometimes I told Him how my day was going, and some other day I will just crying my lungs out. I pray that Allah, al-Waduud, will always love and nourish me with His endless rahmah no matter how much I sin, or how much I repent whenever I commit sins.

No one is perfect, Zahidah. Don't blame yourself too much ok?

[sweetlilpeonies]

24th August 2020 | Bangi, MY

I met my ex-roommate this evening, Fida. A short meet-up but meaningful. There's always a reason for something to happen in our life as everything is already well-planed by Allah, The Almighty. Things that work for others will not guaranteed to be okay for you, and vice versa. Percaya dekat rezeki Allah, and take your own pace cause our roads are all different.

Semoga Allah sentiasa kurniakan yang terbaik dunia akhirat untuk kawan-kawan saya ♡

[sweetlilpeonies]

24th August 2020 | Monday | Bangi, MY

Bismillah. Another new day. Alhamdulillah.

[sweetlilpeonies]

Bismillah.

Just a quick recap on life.

One of my best buddies during high school is already married. I'm so happy for him. Barakallah! For sure, she's one of the luckiest girl to have him as her husband. For the good qualities that he have, she will be taken care of in the best ways he could ever.

I had some rough days since Saturday. Couldn't really explain on what I feel, the only thing that I knew was I was severely unhappy with myself. I hate myself so much. Really really much. I hate myself for not moving on from worse things that happened in the past.

For a moment, Zahidah. Could you please leave all these behind?

Nope.

The answer is no. I couldn't help but thinking about it all the time. Am I the worst servant of Allah for feeling hopeless? Am I the most non-obedient children to my parents? Am I a failure? Do I deserve to live this life?

Hidup susah, mati pun susah sebab belum tentu amalan cukup banyak. That was what I thought.

There were always days yang I doubt myself. Macam mana kalau ujian yang Allah bagi ni, sebenarnya Zahidah tak mampu pun nak hadap? Kalau Zahidah tak survive, Allah marah tak dekat Zahidah?

:(

I am so sad these few days. But, it is okay. Fall down seven, get up eight. Slowly but surely, ok Zahidah? Banyak-banyak ingat Allah. Rajinkan diri baca Quran tau, jangan malas-malas. Dunia ni sementara, and dunia memang tempat Allah uji hamba-hambaNya.

Takpe Zahidah, dah nangis 3 hari dah rasa lega kan?! :P

Walaupun banyak sangat buat dosa, I just hope that Allah will forgive all my sins yang sengaja ataupun tidak. Semoga Allah, al-Hafiz, akan sentiasa protect & heal my wound. Semoga Allah, ar-Rahmaan ar-Rahiim akan sentiasa sayang dan kasih kepada Zahidah. Dan semoga Zahidah bertemu jalan pulang menuju Tuhan.

Fa' firru ila Allah.

[sweetlilpeonies]

Bismillah.

I just came back from my hometown yesterday. Took 2 days off (Monday & Tuesday) so that I could spend more time at home. Alhamdulillah.

There are so much on my plates right now. Too much that I'm kind of afraid that I can't handle them well. But it is okay, Zahidah. Just take your time. Breathe in, and exhale. You'll be good.

So today, Mimi, Dayah, Anje and I were talking randomly about things. Career, future planning, and much more. And suddenly they talked about opening our own farm. Long story short, they suggested that we can use my small land which currently is planted with palm oil & coconuts. They sounded so serious 🤣

But hey, I guess it is a really good idea.

Semoga setiap cita-cita dan impian yang baik dipermudahkan Tuhan. Semoga sentiasa dapat menjadi khalifah yang memberi manfaat kepada sekalian 'ummah. Ameen.

[sweetlilpeonies]

Fwen, a dear one;

The other day (4th June 2020), Ton and I went to MyKori Dessert. Ada 3 biji boba atas bingsu yang kitorang order.

*me excitedly makan 2 biji boba warna kuning*

Me: Weh, makanlah sebiji lagi boba tu. Aku dah makan dua biji.

Ton: Takpe, kau makan lah.

Me: Ha?! Asal aku pulak. Kau la makan. Aku dah makan.

Ton: Takpe, kau makan lah.

Me: Ko lah makan -.-

Ton: *makan the last boba*

Yep, we fight over food almost all the time. Bukan gaduh sebab apa, tapi sebab siapa nak habiskan. Selalunya aku lah yang tolong habiskan makanan yang dia tak habis 😂 tapi dekat Korea, ada juga masa yang Ton tolong habiskan makanan aku sebab I can't really accept the taste of some Korean foods, lagi-lagi seaweed soup dia. Murung je kalau makan.

Ahh. Down memory lane.

//tapi bukan itu yang nak diceritakan sebenarnya//

Ok so back to the story, while we tried to habiskan makan bingsu, we discovered that actually kat bawah tu banyak je lagi boba-boba bawah tu. And even ada nata de coco!

People are willing to sacrifice anything for their loved ones, aren't they? Including giving away their fav food to another person.

I'm forever grateful for my circle of friends. All of them are alhamdulillah, very nice to me 😭

Ton would help me whenever I'm asking for help ke, tengah sakit ke, accident motor ke, fyp ke, you name it. She's willing to help me in whatever circumstances.

And for that, I'll pray that Allah will grant her endless success and happiness in this dunya and akhiraah. May Allah shower her with boundless rahmah wa mawaddah. Semoga dikurniakan jodoh yang terbaik untuknya, untuk agamanya, serta dunia akhiratnya. May she grow and flourish in her career. Semoga yang baik-baik sahaja untuknya, Ya Rabb.

We rarely holding hands cause it was kind of awkward. We laughed so hard after taking the 1st picture 😂 cause euwwww it feels so grossssss. But butttt, I actually love the picture. Sebab I'm sure, semua ni akan jadi kenangan masa tua nanti. Hihi. Semoga dipanjangkan umur dalam iman untuk jadi saksi kehidupan masing-masing.

May Allah will take care of you in the most amazing ways that we couldn't even imagine <3