sweee-ve

[sweee-ve]

tw: vent

(i'm assuming people who don't want to see have blocked, but just in case)

originally posted here (not on Tumblr)

25th December

So I woke up and then I could open presents, yay. I got things that I like and I'm happy, so that was nice. I might do a full haul later when I'm at home (I'm in Leitrim for Christmas).

I also didn't have to go to mass, because we wanted someone to mind my grandad. He's sick, I'm not exactly sure what ot is but he is coughing a lot.. it's something to do with the thing that controls whether you are swallowing or breathing It's not fully going in the direction it needs to, iykwim I don't know how to explain it. Moral of the story is he can only eat puréed food and thickened liquids. And that was fine, I didn't really want to go to church so I stayed in the house with him for over an hour (however long the church ceremony was and extra time of people chatting). Then a bunch of family came over, that was nice, I sat there in the couch for a bit, but I wasn't talking to anyone so I moved to join my sister who was in her bedroom (she's staying in the room with my mam, I managed to get a room on my own for once!!). We were just chatting and I was searching some alcohol markers I got. Some of my cousins were bothering me for a bit while I was there. Kayla is nice, she's only about 5 (I think, it seems wrong cause I thought she'd be like 3 but that's definitely not it... I've lost track of time completely) and her bother Ryan, he's even younger, should be by only a year but he seems a lot younger, maybe 2? And also Kaiya. I don't really like Kaiya, she's like 8 maybe? I am awful at ages in case you couldn't guess... Anyway, I don't like Kaiya, she's just annoying. When I was younger I thought I was chronically online, but she is really brain rotted, like a concerning amount. I would see stuff online and it talks about brainrotted kids, and I think that they're exaggerating or over the top... but she makes me realise that they're not. She's also spoilt rotten, and I don't think she realises. My sister and I were mentioning it after, and Kaiya got 4(!) jelly blushes (they cost like €20 each) and a big and small bottle of Sol De Janeiro perfumes. and she also got more stuff, and she has a airup bottle?? Like whattt??!?

But anyway, after that we made the dinner, I made the gravy and salmon for myself (I don't like turkey or ham so my mam decided this year I don't have to starve and she got me a salmon). That was fine, there was also dessert which was a cheesecake that I made earlier. Granny said it was nice, but to be fair she will never say anything rude in front of the person.

Anyway, the problem is later, I'm sitting in bed, sketching cause I was bored of being on my phone. The door opens and I assumed it was my mother, it wasn't, I was my uncle. He was putting my grandad to bed, and for some reason had to put a chair in my room? idk he left it right at the door, and it was left open. When he was done, he stuck his head in and said "Can I ask you a question" and I said sure, and he asked me to check in on my grandad, I said ok. Clearly I was visibly reluctant cause he stayed there for a second longer and didn't just leave, so I added on that I was planning on going to sleep soon (take note that this was at 10:30/11 pm so a reasonable time to go to sleep??) and he said something and then said "Yeah, he's just your grandad" (as in don't worry about him he means nothing (sarcastically ofc)) and then slammed my door. like a fuckijg child?? this is a forty/fifty year old man acting like a fucking toddler, and what's even more annoying was that I was starting to like him a little bit.

That was that done and I then decided that I guess I didn't have a choice and I had to stay up, so I took off my headphones and was just kinda staring at my half closed sketchbook (cause I literally had no idea what to do and my phone was almost dead and the charger is too short.

Sidenote: 2 of my uncles (James (lives walking distance away) and Gerry (asshole mentioned above)) and my mam were in the living room. With the door open, so I can hear them in my room cause I'm just at the end of the hall. (Also means that if anything happened to my grandad they would hear so I didn't need to be told to check up on him???)

So I'm sitting on my bed, kinda just staring there and next thing you know I hear my mam kinda loudly said my name, so of course I'm gonna start listening. Then Gerry is saying about how I acted and tried to act as if it was in a worried for me kinda way, like "you wouldn't want anything to happen to him (grandad) and she'll feel guilty because she wasn't checking up on him" like???????????????

Shut the fuck up?? that's bs. he didn't give a shit. AND THE WORST PART? MY MAM DIDNT EVEN DEFEND ME??? MY OWN MOTHER??? Like James? O don't even talk to him, so I don't care, Gerry? hated him as a kid so I don't care. But my own mother? she fucking raised me. How O act is how I was told to act? and she's upset with how I act?? Like I get what Gerry was saying, but it's not my responsibility? I See grandad in his chair when I'm in the room and he's just so sad, like he can't even eat proper food anymore. It's just sad. What I feel guilty about is not letting him stay in the hospital where they at least have better kitchens. Here we have to puree the food, but in the hospital they puree it and then (idk how to explain it) remake the food so it resembles the food it's meant to be. like blend the peas and then shape them into little balls, like peas. Back onto the topic at hand. My mam was there saying shit like she'll talk to me later about it. and also what annoys me is Gerry is a fucking dickhead. I have never liked him? He has never done shit for me and then gets pissed when I'm asked to do something that means I have to stay up layer then I wanted to. Now I fucking feel bad and I'm still awake. It's 2 in the morning now and I really don't want to go asleep. I think I'm going to stay awake and sleep all day because I don't want to have to deal with anyone tomorrow. Especially since my mam is not going to give out to me cause of what Gerry said. It's so stupid tho ........ pisses me off

CADOGAN (⁠｡-ᴗ•｡)つ★

[sweee-ve]

tw: vent

(I'm assuming people who don't want to see it have marked it off, but just in case)

originally posted here (not on Tumblr)

24th December

I'm so stupid??? Honestly, why didn't I just admit to liking her when she essentially asked me out??? I had to answer cryptically and say that I am not aroace instead of just admitting I liked her!!! (text on previous post if you care to know what I'm talking about) And, yes, I know I'd be an awful person for trying to date her then, but it would've saved me a lot of pain. Sure she was dating willow, but she hated them? No, I shouldn't of confessed then. But I did have the brilliant idea of doing it a week later (and got rejected???????????)

Shoot me, honestly.

Also side tangent --- I don't even know if she likes girls? Like, I don't think she even knows??? She says she wants to date girls, then she says she doesn't. Like girl decide!!! It's confusing to me, she has dated like 3 people that I know of;

Ukrainian dude - dude she dated when she was living in Ukraine, almost assaulted her, but she realised he was being sketchy and ran away

Willow - abusive guy, was [kinda] trans, not a guy (but yes, had a dick)

Kai - seemed like a decent guy, he's alright, but he broke up with her and then got back with her. Is weird though, says he doesn't associate him with being part of the LGBTQ+ community (gay people are ok though??? he just isn't one of them???), but is genderqueer. Kai isn't his birth name, contrary to what I thought

So like, they all have dicks? and she says she is gay, and she's dating people who weren't men, but like girllllll. She also seems to ignore problems in her relationships an just have sex all the time, like I get you want to have sex but like... have an actually healthy relationship that isn't just sex??? Once she was having problems with Kai (cant remember what exactly) but in the end I asked her how was her and Kai (praying on his downfall, I'll admit) and she just said that "it's all ok now, we just fucked it out"... She definitely likes Kai a lot more than the others but I don't know if it's a "even cold water seems warm when your hands are freezing" kind of situation? She even mentioned a week or two before they broke up that she wanted to breakup with him, but once he broke up with her she tried to kill herself. I hope she didn't make him feel bad and told him, and that's why they're back together. Because that would suck. She doesn't tell me anything and (I cant remember if I mentioned this before, but I feels like she either doesn't trust to tell me (ouch) or doesn't want me to know cause she would know I'd be against it. But she told someone else who also would be against it??? Me, being selfish, wants to think that it's because she doesn't want me knowing she's dating someone cause then I'll never be with her (I won't do shit if someone I like is even flirting with someone else and she knows this) or some bs, but like, I know that's not it).

On Friday (the 20th Dec) I was giving Anastasia a present to her, and I was texting her (she wasn't responding, I think she was with Kai (He lives in Dublin, so he would've had to get the bus down so its a case of he will stay for a while). She also finished school early but didn't tell me, and just said she was busy till 6 (not to be a bitch but she would've had literally nothing to do, so she (once again) didn't want me to know she was with Kai???). Anyway, I was meant to meet up wither her after 6, but all my friends were leaving by around 4 so I didn't want to just be walking around town on my own, and the times I could get a lift home were either 4 or 9 (PM!!) so I decided to just go home early, so i texted her and just said I left her present outside her house. But also in those messages I said "girl why are you back with Kai??" Which, yes I'll admit was VERY passive aggressive, but like, I was wondering. Also she said that the notification didn't even go through on her phone, but if I'm being honest I think its kinda bs. I hope it's not though.

She liked the present at least. She's been texting a bit more often too, but I don't know.

I really think I should just admit to her that I hate hanging out with her cause it just makes me sad every time. I said I liked her almost a year ago, I thought she liked me back, so I risked confessing. I didn't even ask her out just confessed and said I liked her, I mentioned Kai in it too cause he seemed ok. I didn't want to make it seem all about me. I originally wrote it in a Google Doc. Then I sent it with a timer so she'd get it at like 3 in the morning. Its kinda stupid that i did that but it was a way for me to actually send it, knowing I could delete it if I didn't sleep. But i did sleep. I even said the basic points on what I wanted to say in the letter.

I just looked for it, and it turns out I deleted it (I needed more google storage). I can't remember the exact points I said but I was along the lines of;

Actually saying I liked her

I knew that she liked Kai

Also that I was kinda rude to guys she was talking to, and i didn't know whether it was cause I was jealous or they were actually a shit person

I don't know a few more points like that.. I was being kinda a shitty person to her though. I mostly kept my opinions to myself, but sometimes I'd get annoyed and say stuff I shouldn't, so this is basically my way of saying stuff I'd like to say to Anastasia but shouldn't.

I know my opinions aren't really ok sometimes, and as much as i think that the stuff Anastasia does isn't smart, it is her choice to make. I shouldn't say anything unless it's going to seriously affect her. But that's hard to do sometimes. Which I know is a bad thing..

CADOGAN (⁠｡-ᴗ•｡)つ★

[sweee-ve]

tw: vent

(I am assuming vents are blocked for someone who doesn't want to see it, but just in case)

originally posted here (not on Tumblr)

December 20, 2024

Last day of school for the year

it was the last day of school for the year (woo) .I gave out the presents for people, and actually they all really liked the stuff I made, I'm surprised cause I thought they'd be kinda disappointing. I got Kathryn earrings, and a card game called Frenzy ( I made it up, and everyone really liked it!!) and also a tube of Rollo's. Renee got rollos too, and also a picture of Mr Murphy, but it was an edited version of the era tour poster. she loved that too. I also ordered earphones, but they never arrived.

Later on in town I gave a candle to Joshua. I was dumb though and left the price tag on it (it was €3 so it was kinda an insult) and they got me a bath bomb, that was a rainbow. it is nice, but I'm probably not gonna ever use it... I just don't use the bath much, I'd rather have a shower.

Anyway, onto the depressing point. When I was waiting for Joshua, (I was with Renee) I saw another friend I have called Harlow. I was talking to them for a bit with Renee, and I mentioned that I like Anastasia and I was going to ask her out. Well, I was planning on it, but then Harlow told me that Anastasia got back with her ex. Which is a bad thing in itself but then to add onto it, she never told me herself?? I'd get it if I was someone who she barely talked to, but she claims that I'm her closest friend?? Like best friend. And it's upsetting that she never told me, plus after they broke up she was still talking to him, and I tried to ask her what they were talking about but the most she would say was "we're just sorting things out" or something stupid to that extent.

I know it's kind of a dick move, but I'm on the bring of just confessing to her anyway, because she doesn't text me anyway and we might as well be strangers with how much she responds to me. I don't think she likes me back, but she also for ages and for some reason thought I was aro ace, which I get cause I don't talk about relationships much, but still. I want her to at least acknowledge that I like her. I have confessed to her before (like 1/2 weeks before she started dating Kai originally (her ex) ) but she said something like "I don't like you like that" and then we proceeded to talk like normal friends again. Which pisses me off. Not because she rejected me, like that's fine, I'm not your type, I'm not your type. I'm not gonna force someone to like me...

BUT THE REASON I EVEN THOUGHT I HAD A CHANCE WAS CAUSE SHE'D ALWAYS TEXT ME "I love you" AND I'D SAY I LOVE HER BACK, AND SHE WOULD RESPOND SOMETHING LIKE "not the way you think..." ??????????

Like here's a whole conversation we had when she was drunk? "Drunk words are unspoken thoughts" or whatever the saying is. This was around the time that she thought I was aro ace, and I had told her I was not, so it's so stupid?? She meant she liked me that way, I don't know why she decided she didn't then.

But back to the point of confessing to her anyway, I think I will, because if I just say "oh, I don't want to be friends anymore" she'll be sad and all, and I'm scared she might hurt herself, or maybe even commit, which I don't want. My thought is, if I confess to her, and she inevitably rejects me, it was her choice to stop talking to me, so it's not as sad?? I guess?? Or I get the best outcome of she likes me back and dates me. But chances of that. Sometimes im not even sure if I still like her, to be fair it tends to be a case of, if you think you might not, you probably don't. That's what I think anyway. I don't know. She pisses me off so much sometimes but I really really like her. She just treats me like a child sometimes.

I don't know, if I ever ask her out I'll make another post </3

CADOGAN (⁠｡-ᴗ•｡)つ★