survivororvictim

[survivororvictim]

So sorry I haven't been writing, but I've been dealing with alot of pain. Unfortunately I have chronic pain and I'm in the hospital alot. As I sit here thinking back to my childhood and I wonder how I made it here. Maybe I'm here just to write about my story. Or perhaps I'm here for more. Only God knows. I look back at my life, and I shouldn't be here. The amount of times that I should have died. Or that the fact that I shouldn't have been able to have to children, but was able to have 4. I should have seen right there that God was here with me the whole time. It's actually really scary. You see, I'm from Lower Town and Vanier in Ottawa. The roughest parts of Ottawa. The amount of times I walked around alone is stupid. But back than I didn't care or was just ignorant. The dangers I put myself in. The dangers that were all around me. But when you're a teenager you think you're invincible. As I sit here, hoping for this pain to go away and reflecting on my life, I'm so blessed to be here. Even with all the hardship, the struggles, the crying, the pain etc.... I'm still so blessed to be here. Even though I had breast cancer and had a double mastectomy I'm still blessed. Even though I have stage 4 endometriosis, I'm still blessed to be here. Even though I deal with chronic pain, I'm still blessed to be here. I'm blessed to have 4 children. God knew that the only thing I wanted in life when I was younger was to have children and by God I'm so blessed to have my 4 brats🤣🤣. I do apologize if I haven't been on, but I'm here and hopefully back to telling my story. You have to remember that this is extremely difficult thing to do. Trying to remember what happened is extremely difficult to do. I've blocked out so much. My doctor would like for me to try MMDR to help bring back those memories but I'm extremely frightened of what I may remember. The things I remember are difficult enough. I have severe PTSD, panic disorder (extremely high anxiety), severe depression and now just diagnosed with PMPS (Post-mastectomy pain syndrome). But once again I'm blessed to be here. If it wasn't for God and the radiologist the cancer would be spread throughout my body by now. You see, I went for a mammogram for my right breast because I was dealing with alot of pain. The technician asked me some questions and I told her my aunt had pre cancer. So the technician called the radiologist and he said yes to check my left breast and it's a good thing because I had 5 lumps in my breast, all cancerous. I had one so close to the nipple, that by now a year later, it would have completely spread throughout my body. Once again blessed to be here. You know what, now that I'm thinking about it, there's a reason I'm still here. Yes to tell my story, but to also praise God for all he has done. You know I used to blame God for my life, now I thank God for my life. Even with all the hardship, the pain, etc.... I'm still here and still so blessed. I get to see my kids grow up. I get to see my grandbaby be born. Yes I still have to live through all this pain, but look at what I have. I may not have a million dollars in the bank, or the best job, or the best whatever, but I have 4 blessed children. What more can I ask of life. I will be back soon with my childhood. Have a wonderful day. God blessed

[survivororvictim]

See I can't remember which step parent met real parent, but it always seemed like a competition between both sets of parents. But this jealousy was not from my dad or stepmom. It was jealousy from him. Before my mother and him were married, he would show up with gifts and try to be friendly. I distrusted him from the start. The only thing I kept from my childhood was a popple teddy bear. It was my mother and him who bought it for me for Christmas when I was 4. Didn't realize how much that bear would comfort me in the future. My next posts will start to become harder each time I write. Again please be patient with me. This is difficult in so many ways. God Bless and Love you❤️

[survivororvictim]

I sit here and wonder sometimes how I got here. Considering all the horrible traumas, the severe PTSD, extreme anxiety, chronic depression, I'm blessed to be here with my loved ones and having the courage to put this out there. Believe me it will be extremely difficult at times to say what needs to be said, but if I can help others with my story, I do believe God told me to do this for a reason. As I told you in my previous post, my best and only great memories as a child is when I was with my grandparents or my step mom. I will call her my step mom as to not confuse people, but she is my mom and still to this day is my mom. It's funny because I do not remember my first memory of my step mom, but do I ever remember the first day I met my old step father. I hated him. I was 4 years old. I didn't even know what hate was. I kept asking my grandparents or stepmom, if my mother married him, if I could move with them. He was a few years younger than my mother, and he was a creep. He was always in competition with my father. But he had no clue who my father was. See if my father would have known what was happening to me, he would have killed him, and I knew even back than what a sin was. I will continue my story, but please remember this is extremely difficult for me to do. But I will have my childhood done in a few weeks. I dont want to make this longer than I have to. I thought my heart would have a black tint in it, where my hurt, anger, frustration, disappointment, a deep down darkest forever in my heart. Even my children could not fill the emptiness. Oh I tried, but no One can fill that darkness but Jesus. He is the Light. He is the only way to the Father. The time will come when Jesus returns and I fear that it will be in our life time. When I say fear, I do not mean the fear of what's to come, but fear for the soul of others.

[survivororvictim]

I don't remember many good memories as child. The good memories are abouty grandparents and step mom. I try so hard to remember those memories when I have a flash back of the horrible memories, but I go to my Lord Jesus Christ for all my issues, good or bad. As I'm writing this, I think if I had found Jesus back then my life would not have had so many ups and downs. People might ridicule me, for having faith in Jesus, and that's okay, it's their choice to make. Jesus saved my life at the age of 42 on November 14, 2002. I have to go to work, but I'll be back often you'll see. God Bless

[survivororvictim]

The Lord Jesus Christ asked me to start this blog. He wanted me to express my life story to as many followers as I can. My story will begin from my earliest memory. My story may be hard for some and by God will it be even more difficult for myself but it needs to be put in words for the world to see. My childhood story will bring unimaginable, disgusting, horrifying, shameful, torture and so on.. will leave any reader questioning the world we live in. My adult life has been, well you'll see for yourselves. So please be respectful to others, if they have questions or express their own life troubles. Thank you and God Bless🙏❤️