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Deadpool's Gift

Wolverine x Deadpool

Notes: I was bored and felt inspired, hope you enjoy!

-> Deadpool x Wolverine(??)//Logan and Wade//Platonically there isn’t much romance//Logan is ready to kill Wade any second//set after the third movie//cock(tails)//Wade won’t ever finish his speech

Desc: Wade has been gone for a bit and just when Logan misses the quiet, he returns with a surprise

Warnings: Rated R because it has more than one fuck said lol//Profanity and an ass full of it//Minor end of movie spoilers

m.list (soon)

Logan was sitting on the couch, lazily drinking a glass of alcohol as he watched TV with Peggy. His Monday started off peaceful, Wade being gone the past two days and Al away for two weeks on some bingo tournament cruise. Wade didn’t say where he was going, just that he’d bring back souvenirs.

Peaceful and quiet were two words Logan never thought he’d never describe his life again as without ‘it was never’ in the front of them. Even when Peggy whined at him because Wade wasn’t around, it didn’t bother him much. She either wanted a treat or to go on a walk. Not to use the bathroom, but just to be outside. She was toilet trained and could even flush. In fact, before each walk, she would use the bathroom then bring him a leash. Logan didn’t bother to ask whether or not Wade trained her or she’d always been able to do that.

Suffice to say, stillness is a rare commodity these days, living with the vilest, yappiest, loudmouth he’s ever met in all of his two centuries of life. A 24/7 corner store would close more often than Wade closes his mouth. He has learned to tolerate—well, not just quite tolerate, but live with it. It was his choice after all, and it wasn’t like anyone was stopping him from leaving.

He took another sip of his drink. However, not once has he thought about going back on that decision. In fact, amidst the thick silence he’s been sitting in, he could even entertain the thought that he might miss—

Knocks at the front door to the rhythm of ‘Do You Want to Build a Snow Man?’ followed by a drawn out and obviously flirty, “Logan~” almost made him choke.

“God *cagh* fucking damn it.” Logan said as he cleared his throat. “Dumbass you have a key, why are you knocking?” He yelled from the couch, wiping his mouth.

He didn’t bother to glance behind himself as he heard the door open a crack, “Just in case you were naked and wanted some time to get decent—okay, okay I can hear your scowl. We both know how I’d prefer to see you, and this time it comes with your cloths on, or off your choice, and your eyes closed.”

Logan sniffed the air. What was that? It smelled a lot like Wade, more than usual, but with something else underneath. Then again, Wade smelling like different things, especially after two days of being god knows where fucking god knows what, wasn’t necessarily abnormal.

“Why?”

“I've got a surprise! It’s why I’ve been gone for so long and—hey, is that a glass of my strawberry lemonade vodka cocktail bowl I made for Yukio’s bachelorette party?”

Logan glanced at the drink in his hand, then to Peggy, as if waiting for her to say anything too. She got up and left the living room. He sighed and closed his eyes. “Fine.”

“When I offered you said you'd rather drink 10 gallons of battery acid soaked in rubbing alcohol before my cocktail-“

Logan gritted his teeth, slowly losing his patience. “I’ll close my fucking eyes, Wade.”

“Okay, okay!! You are going to love this.” Logan heard the door fully open then close. Wade walked around the couch until he was in front of him.

It smelled even more like the irritating bastard. Almost overwhelmingly so—but it also heightened the scent underneath it. It was familiar, but not. His nose wrinkled as he tried to figure out what the hell was going on. It wasn't as if he was nose-blind to Wade's scent, so it couldn't be stronger after he'd been gone. He didn’t hear any more footsteps so Logan prayed to Jesus it couldn’t be any more him's.

“Oh wow, they really are closed.”

“I said I would, now get on with it.”

“Yes, yes, before you open your eyes, I want you to know what inspired this gift. Peggy has been a delightful addition to our patch work family and I feel she really gets me. I mean, she is me. So… I thought you sadly were missing out on that same thing and got something that is you.”

That startled Logan’s eyes open, “Wade did you get a fucking dog?!” As soon as that left his lips and he saw what was cuddled calmly in Wade’s arms, he immediately wished it had been a dog.

Wade immediately got upset and glared. “Damn it, you impatient shit log! You went ahead and ruined my build up. I had two more paragraphs. It took five hours to practice, thanks a lot.”

“I’m going to fucking move out.”

“And folks that makes it fifty! Yet your firm, clenched ass is still here.”

“Why in the name of Christ would I have sat through two paragraphs of your psychward rambling would be my question if I wasn’t looking at a GODDAMN HONEY BADGER in your GODDAMN arms, Wade!”

Wade shifted the creature and held his hand up in the silent fox hand symbol, “Hey, class, settle down. Let’s use our indoor voices, kay?” He then pointed to the animal. “This is obviously a wolverine. The guy told me so, and he sells giraffes and red pandas, so I think he knows what he’s talking about. How many of those cocktails did you have, huh? Gotta save some for-“

The glass in Logan’s hand broke, cocktail juice and blood dripping from his fingers. The shards of glass that was embedded began expelling from his hand as he curled it into a fist, save for one finger. Logan held it up toward Wade; one trembling, angry, finger. Logan had his jaw shut so tight he thought his teeth might shatter twice over after regenerating.

“Wade. You are holding a honey badger. Why?”

“If you sat through my whole speech, you would have gotten all the juicy, dirty, little, heartfelt details. Like I said, I thought we both deserved animal counterparts! And Peggarony seemed lonely, so really this is more for her than it is for you.”

“Those things are usually angry. It’ll rip her to shreds more than I’m about to do to you. In fact, I know I’m being held back by a single strand of Jesus’ ass hair, but why isn’t the badger?”

“Well, Grumpy Smurf, this bad boy is 5 tranquilizers in and I’m at 20–30 of em came free in the package with a 10 dollar Denny’s gift card. Even if I cheated him in Yahtzee and you took the last bit of my happy powder I'm hiding from Feige, we'd be calmer than a corpses heart rate.”

“Why does it smell so much like you?”

Wade huffed, as if within his rights. “And that’s another reason why I’m pissed off! Y'know it’s hard and personal to get your scent extracted?! I had to so you wouldn't sniff out the surprise. And I see that look, no, I didn’t, you’ve been closer to having my semen on you than this wolverine.” He tilted his head lower, gesturing to the spot Logan was sitting on… or whatever he must be sitting in.

That was it. “I’m going to murder you.”

Wade rolled his eyes. “Fine, cry baby. Honey badger.”

Logan extracted his claws and launched out of his seat, ready to do the work the badger should have the moment it set eyes on Wade. Albeit, after hearing the toilet flush, right before his claws could pierce Wade’s side, paused.

The sink water ran for a moment, then out from the bathroom came Peggy, her wet paws leaving tracks on the ground as she casually stepped down the hall.

Logan scrunched his eyebrows. “She can wash her hands?!”

Wade gasped. “She can use the bathroom!?”

#fanfic #fiction #poolverine #wade wilson #logan howlett #logan #wolverine #wolverine x deadpool #deadpool and wolverine movie #deadpool and wolverine #deadpool #deadpool 3

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