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All the Feels from LFF2019

It’s going to take me a very long time to process this weekend. I had a wonderful time in general and I know that this wasn’t the case for everyone, and some people had a very different experience, but in my opinion, honestly, for a second try, this was pretty good.

I’m Hollstein trash.  I make no excuses for the Hollstein-centric nature of this post.  I love Wynonna Earp and every interaction I had with Mel, Kat and Dom was lovely, but I am Elise and Natasha all the way and I’m not ashamed to admit it.

Firstly, it is important to note that this is not ClexaCon. I repeat, this is NOT ClexaCon. The vibe of LoveFanFest was very different.  For a start, it’s smaller. It’s not based ‘in town’ and the number of guests and panels is very limited.  Nevertheless, I do think that it has a place in the con calendar.

Panels – these come with a caveat that this con is based in Spain so yes, some of the panels will be in Spanish.  They did very well translating as they went along but if you want a panel to be smooth, then it’s not the greatest.  But I didn’t mind.  It was interesting to hear from actors that were not English speaking and have very different experiences in their home country within the industry.

The English panels (Wayhaught, Hollstein, Purgatory and Mel) were not moderated and it was awkward…but I could listen to Mel, Dom, Kat, Natasha and Elise practically all day so the fact that they had free reign didn’t bother me.  At all. One of the highlights was a fan who had devised a game where each actor had to remember the ‘next line’ in their dialogue when they were given a cue line by the other one.  Well done Wayhaught, shame on you Hollstein. Great fun though and you have to bear in mind some of these lines were recorded five years ago and, unlike us, the actors don’t have Carmilla on repeat continuously, every week!

I said earlier that it would take me a while to process everything from this weekend.  I think the reason for that was because I was basically surrounded by Hollstein all weekend.  I bought so many experiences with them that now, looking back, I’m wondering if it was too much.  Meals, M&Gs, photos, autographs.  There was a sad kind of desperation in it, as if I was trying to say, FOR GOD’S SAKE NOTICE ME!! I won’t be doing that again. I bought this con before I went to ClexaCon and at the time I thought it was going to be the only Con I was going to attend. That’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it. But what it’s done is make things ten times worse for me, because now I am sitting here, and I won’t see them again until CarmillaCon (another Con I didn’t know was going to happen when I bought the ticket) and my heart is breaking because these two women are among some of my favourite people in the world.

If you look on Twitter you will see that there’s been a lot said already about what the Hollstein ‘girls’ got up to but here are a few of my personal favourites:

·       Elise trying her stand up out on us.  I won’t give anything away but she’s right, she is funny. Plus she came up with an idea in her M&G and I hope it makes it into her set.

·       Natasha admitting that she couldn’t see any of us in her M&G because she forgot her glasses so she got up and personally shook hands with everyone and got us to introduce ourselves to her.

·       Elise mishearing it when I said she could be the ‘fun aunt’ for Natasha’s baby (!) and her thinking that I said she could be ‘fodder’ and Natasha bringing it up with me later and saying it was funny.

·       Natasha loving my comment about my wife and I and our technology incompatibility and me saying that she could use it for her merch if she wanted.

·       Me blowing Natasha’s mind (her words) because I taught her how to convert Centigrade to Fahrenheit in her head.

·       My selfie with Elise.  I absolutely hate myself in all photos and I absolutely love us in this. When I showed it to someone she said we looked like a couple and this was NOT my intention, but it made me feel very warm and fuzzy inside.

·       I feel the same about one of my photos with her too. It’s just a lovely picture and she snuggled into me when we took it and my heart melted. OK so I may have developed a little crush…

·       Natasha – that’s all.

·       When Elise was talking about ‘signs’ and looked up and said, OK I got it, thanks’ and Natasha looked down and said the same thing.

·       The interaction between Mel and Natasha at lunch, specifically talking about their night out the night before, when Natasha said that as an Aries and a Sagittarius they would be a disaster together (socially), too fiery and rowdy, but only to a certain point obviously because they are, after all, still Canadians.

·       Natasha’s reaction to the gift that I bought her from The Neon Museum in Vegas because I knew she didn’t have time to go when she was there, so I picked her something up from the gift shop.  Her face. Bless her…then her saying that I always spoil her, which is definitely not the case because it’s the first thing I’ve given her but it’s cute that she said it anyway.

·       Telling Elise that there was a Neon Museum in Vegas and her reaction to that, (amazement and disbelief).

·       Natasha saying that ‘firstly, you are not horribly old’.

·       Elise sharing her pride experience with us, which was so touching and vulnerable and sad, but also full of love and friends.  OK OK, I definitely have a crush.

So, this is obviously some very personal experiences, that others will not share but I think it’s important to also share some experiences that maybe, had I not had so many positive experiences, would have tainted my trip.

·       Being told that I couldn’t go into the autograph hall because I didn’t have a ticket, even though I just wanted to be there to support a friend.

·       Being shouted at because I went to a window (it might have been a door) on the first floor to look out of it. It wasn’t cordoned off, there were no ‘no entry’ signs but, apparently, I overstepped some invisible mark.

·       Being asked to leave the area where breakfast was going to be but not politely and then being escorted to ‘make sure’ we left. (We all had breakfast tickets and, again, no cordons or no entry signs).

·       The intimidating ‘Staff’ who looked like machine gun toting Israeli army recruits and had an attitude to match.

I am not a con expert and everyone has a different experience.  This is my personal one. I’ve heard some horrifying stories, but this was not my experience.  I am sorry for anyone who felt cheated in some way because their expectations and experiences were different. No con is perfect.  Everyone needs to learn and what happens now, what Love Fan Fest learn from the feedback they are given, will be infinitely more important than the praise they receive.

I need to stop babbling but I can not go without a few words about the people I met on a personal level, to those who made sure I was OK, that I was eating, who spent time with me, who hugged me when I cried, who watched football with me, who opened their heart to me (my favourite kind of conversation), who made me laugh, and who made my weekend so special, and one I will remember for a long time.  Thank you. From the bottom of my heart.  It would not have been the same without you.

Until next time….

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Reflections on ClexaCon

 This was my first ever con. Next month I turn 50 and I’ve never really found my place.  I’ve always felt that there was something…somewhere I should be, that I wasn’t. I’ve got a suspicion that ClexaCon and similar cons is where I should have been.  I am very jetlagged and very tired.  I’m an introvert at heart and without time to reflect and process everything, which is what I didn’t have this last weekend, it was very tough for me and it will take me some time to get over that.  However, I’m a reflector and so far I’ve reflected on my experience and have not been able to find a single negative thing about it.

However, it’s so true what they say: you cannot please all of the people all of the time but ClexaCon has managed to please many people.  Did they get everything right?  No, they didn’t.  Did they get a lot of things right – yes, I think they did. I know there is a lot of Twitter chatter about things they could have done better, and I don’t disagree with any of it.  I feel that it’s extremely important that the organisers of this event (and kudos for the most part) listen and act on feedback that they receive so that this can become a flagship Con in the community.

Honestly, choosing 10 highlights was really hard, and when I’ve reflected some more I may remember other things.  I have already bored my wife rigid talking about it so it’s your turn. These are in no particular order and fair warning, I am Hollstein trash so make of my list what you will.

1.       My first highlight was the Hollstein panel.  These two genuinely wonderful people, who I had the absolute honour of getting to know a little better over the weekend are, honestly, the people that you most want to hang out with.  The panel, moderated by the genuinely insanely talented Dana Piccoli, was a very fitting end to day one.  I was so tired and suffering from excruciating jet lag, but hearing these two talk, and laugh and perform another one of Dana’s epic sketches, with the honourable addition of Annie Briggs, was an absolute joy. I have to share my favourite line on here when the topic of bike safety came up:

Natasha: But are you…you still wear a helmet when you bicycle

Elise:  It’s been a while

Natasha: No, you should

Elise: I know

Natasha: you’re worth more now

Elise (fits of laughter),

Natasha: Insure that shit!

Elise:  That’s hilarious

Natasha: I NEED YOU!! PLEASE WEAR A HELMET!

Elise, we all need you sweetie.

2.       Another highlight was the conversation that surrounded a particular photo op that I had with Kat Barrell, Dominique Provost-Chalkley, Annie Briggs, Natasha Negovanlis, and Elise Bauman, when I asked them if they wouldn’t mind lining themselves up in order of height. So, I won’t go into it but that was the cutest, silliest conversation.

 3.       I had breakfast with Natasha and she is genuinely one of the friendliest, most honest, earnest people that I‘ve met and my profession is literally to meet new people all the time.  There was a point, several points, in the breakfast where, due to the noise of other tables we couldn’t hear what other people were saying and she would ask them to repeat themselves.  However, if she couldn’t hear she would get up, in the middle of her breakfast and go over to that person and talk to them and make sure that she understood what the question was and then she would come back to her seat and ask if everyone had heard it and then she would repeat it and then she would answer it. And to my mind that is one of the most considerate things I’ve ever seen anybody do. She could have just said I can’t hear you, sorry, but she didn’t, she took the time out to talk to people and to make them feel included in the group.  So I’ve been going over and over this again, as I say, I’m a reflector and if I talked too much or hogged the conversation then I‘m truly sorry.  I hope I didn’t.  I don’t think I did but your perception, the perception of people around that table is important to me, so I want to put it out there. I want to put an apology out there.

 4.       Elise’s workshop was TOUGH but so rewarding. I have a big problem with self-esteem, and I have to say the first part of this workshop had me in tears. I hid it well so if you were there don’t feel bad that you didn’t see it. But asking to affirm yourself is something I find very, very difficult and she is a little shiny star and you want to please her.  She’s funny and she’s earnest and she’s just a lovely, genuine person. She was genuinely thrilled by what we created. She wrote us all cards.  These were hand written, hand produced cards that she made for every member of the workshop.  And when I read it, what she’d put inside it, I burst into tears. I’m not going to share what she wrote because that wouldn’t be fair, but it was exactly what I needed to hear at that time, when I felt so overwhelmed with everything after that day.

 5.       Another highlight was the Natasha workshop. I’ve done improv before but, you know, that opportunity to spend an hour with Natasha, being taught by her and just seeing how it differs from what I’ve experienced was amazing. And it was amazing. She was amazing.  She’s open and honest and she’s so involved.  She didn’t stand back, she got involved, she took part in the games, she made so much effort to make sure everyone felt included and able to participate and she was incredible…. but also, it was lovely to see 25 other people coming out of their shell and working with people and seeing them participate.  Some people had not done it before, ever and it was great to see people’s confidence increase and that was an amazing highlight for me.

 6.       Meeting Sarah, or RahRah.  She’s a Vancouverite and she’s an awesome individual and I’m genuinely, genuinely excited to see her again in September when I go to Vancouver. In essence, this highlight goes for anyone that I met, who’s names are too numerous to mention, who I may have interacted with online, and some I never had.  Everyone I met was genuinely warm, friendly and lovely.

 7.       Getting the opportunity to meet the rest of my group chat.  So, I’ve been in a group chat for about 9 months and it was a ClexaCon group chat and obviously we’ve become firm friends online but most of these people I’ve never met before. But when I did, my wife asked me, was it awkward and I’m like no, it wasn’t awkward at all.  It felt like I’d known these people for years. We hung out. We had dinner, we had laughs, we sat together in panels. It was awesome to see them.

 8.       The Clairevoyant panel. These two amazing women.  Annie Briggs and Natasha Negovanlis. Creators, writers, actors, honestly, in my book they can’t do a thing wrong.  I would gladly give my last penny to see a second season, all my money to help them to produce that. The highlight of that particular panel was me overcoming my horrendous fear of asking a question and going up to the mike and prompting a very funny conversation about diva cups.  I was shaking like a leaf both before and after but I’m glad I did it.

 9.       Another highlight was watching Natasha in the improv group.  I was always going to be up for the comedy show and actually bought tickets before I knew she would be performing. She didn’t hog the stage and I wouldn’t expect her to, but she was a glorious addition to that troupe. At one point the improv turned to all things vampire and she knows, she knows how to give her audience what they want because she lifted the rafters when she said she was a vampire and she said it in Carmilla’s voice, of course she did, because she knows that that’s what we want and she has a sense of fun and a sense of occasion and it was amazing to watch.

 10.   My final highlight has to be the Avalance Panel. Caity Lotz was the person that got me into the fandom in the first place with Sara Lance in Arrow.  It was seeing her and others at ClexaCon last year that made me want to go so desperately and, make no mistake, I am Hollstein Trash but the panel with her and Jes Macallan was awesome.  The addition of Katrina Law, temporarily was a sight to behold, if you haven’t seen it please go watch, and to see Jes become so emotional about something and then see the kindness that Caity displayed was so touching.

Other honourable mentions have to go to @comingoutpod and @styriatypical and there were so many other positives, too numerous to mention but significant all the same.

Writing this has been so hard because I had such a positive experience and I know that not everyone had that experience,  I know that I have no comparison that I can make and so I understand that it may not have been great for everyone but my hope is that at least the good outweighed the bad and that everyone had at least something unforgettably good to take away from Vegas.

Our community is fiercely important to me.  Inclusion is fiercely important to me. Anyone who would deliberately seek to exclude anyone, for any reason, has no place in my life. I have no time for those who would misgender, use transphobic/biphobic/panphobic language or in any way make another human being feel less than.

I didn’t meet anyone like that.  These memories will stay with me long after the jet lag is gone, and the rainbow hair grows out. Much love to you all.

[superfitfor50]

THROUGH A RAPIST’S EYES” (PLS TAKE TIME TO READ THIS. It may save a life, It may save your life.)

An Article from Neena Susan Thomas

“Through a rapist’s eyes. A group of rapists and date rapists in prison were interview…ed on what they look for in a potential victim and here are some interesting facts:

1] The first thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle. They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun! , braid, or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed. They are also likely to go after a woman with long hair. Women with short hair are not common targets.

2] The second thing men look for is clothing. They will look for women who’s clothing is easy to remove quickly. Many of them carry scissors around to cut clothing.

3] They also look for women using their cell phone, searching through their purse or doing other activities while walking because they are off guard and can be easily overpowered.

4] The number one place women are abducted from / attacked at is grocery store parking lots.

5] Number two is office parking lots/garages.

6] Number three is public restrooms.

7] The thing about these men is that they are looking to grab a woman and quickly move her to a second location where they don’t have to worry about getting caught.

8] If you put up any kind of a fight at all, they get discouraged because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going after you isn’t worth it because it will be time-consuming.

9] These men said they would not pick on women who have umbrellas,or other similar objects that can be used from a distance, in their hands.

10] Keys are not a deterrent because you have to get really close to the attacker to use them as a weapon. So, the idea is to convince these guys you’re not worth it.

POINTS THAT WE SHOULD REMEMBER:

1] If someone is following behind you on a street or in a garage or with you in an elevator or stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question, like what time is it, or make general small talk: can’t believe it is so cold out here, we’re in for a bad winter. Now that you’ve seen their faces and could identify them in a line- up, you lose appeal as a target.

2] If someone is coming toward you, hold out your hands in front of you and yell Stop or Stay back! Most of the rapists this man talked to said they’d leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she would not be afraid to fight back. Again, they are looking for an EASY target.

3] If you carry pepper spray (this instructor was a huge advocate of it and carries it with him wherever he goes,) yelling I HAVE PEPPER SPRAY and holding it out will be a deterrent.

4] If someone grabs you, you can’t beat them with strength but you can do it by outsmarting them. If you are grabbed around the waist from behind, pinch the attacker either under the arm between the elbow and armpit or in the upper inner thigh – HARD. One woman in a class this guy taught told him she used the underarm pinch on a guy who was trying to date rape her and was so upset she broke through the skin and tore out muscle strands the guy needed stitches. Try pinching yourself in those places as hard as you can stand it; it really hurts.

5] After the initial hit, always go for the groin. I know from a particularly unfortunate experience that if you slap a guy’s parts it is extremely painful. You might think that you’ll anger the guy and make him want to hurt you more, but the thing these rapists told our instructor is that they want a woman who will not cause him a lot of trouble. Start causing trouble, and he’s out of there.

6] When the guy puts his hands up to you, grab his first two fingers and bend them back as far as possible with as much pressure pushing down on them as possible. The instructor did it to me without using much pressure, and I ended up on my knees and both knuckles cracked audibly.

7] Of course the things we always hear still apply. Always be aware of your surroundings, take someone with you if you can and if you see any odd behavior, don’t dismiss it, go with your instincts. You may feel little silly at the time, but you’d feel much worse if the guy really was trouble.

FINALLY, PLEASE REMEMBER THESE AS WELL ….

1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do it.

2. Learned this from a tourist guide to New Orleans : if a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you…. chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car: Kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won’t see you but everybody else will. This has saved lives.

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping,eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc. DON’T DO THIS! The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side,put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU CLOSE the DOORS , LEAVE.

5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:

a. Be aware: look around your car as someone may be hiding at the passenger side , peek into your car, inside the passenger side floor, and in the back seat. ( DO THIS TOO BEFORE RIDING A TAXI CAB) .

b. If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.

c. Look at the car parked on the driver’s side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)

6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot).

7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN!

8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP IT! It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked “for help” into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.

Send this to any woman you know that may need to be reminded that the world we live in has a lot of crazies in it and it’s better safe than sorry.

If u have compassion reblog this post. ‘Helping hands are better than Praying Lips’ – give us your helping hand.

REBLOG THIS AND LET EVERY GIRL KNOW AT LEAST PEOPLE WILL KNOW WHATS GOING ON IN THIS WORLD. So please reblog this….Your one reblog can Help to spread this information.

THIS COULD ACTUALLY SAVE A LIFE.”

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I comissioned a drawing by @ukulelekatie

and It’s incredible and I love it, so I’m sharing it with all of you.

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Yes, it’s one of those posts, I wouldn’t be posting this but it’s urgent and if anyone could help I would be eternally grateful. My partner is trans and has been on the nhs waiting list for ages, it doesn’t look as though there will be any progress soon.

Over the summer we had a mental health crisis, it got so bad we essentially became frequent residents in hospital. He needs a consultation, potentially more than one for a gender clinic. This will mean that he can be prescribed hormones. It’s basically the only thing giving him a sense of hope and purpose. I’m currently working two jobs and I need the help so we can earn enough money to make this happen sooner. I don’t want to lose him or to see his hope diminish because the system is unfair. The rates for mental health related issues are so high within the LGBT community and being another statistic is not part of my plan. 

If you can please donate to his campaign

Please share, reblog, send your friends, families etc the link. I wouldn’t be asking if we weren’t desperate.

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I’m a simple woman…. I see two girls kiss on a TV show, I watch the TV show. 

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u know that feeling deep in your tummy where u just dont feel comfy and u feel sad and sort of want to cry but not about anything specific its like your entire body is just upset and unnerved all the way to the core almost like ur just longing for something but dont know what

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Hollstein + Kisses

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(baumanelise Instagram)

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natvanlis: Throwback to @nycwebfest and accepting the “Dynamic Duo” award for myself and my better creative half @anniemorganb for our web series @clairevoyantsho.

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Although 2018 had me feeling a little frustrated in the career department, I am grateful that it allowed me to share the fruits of my 2017 labour with the world.

For someone from modest beginnings, getting to travel to different continents for the first time, and meeting so many inspiring and interesting people along the way, was a real gift. .

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Two projects (my first American feature @freelancersanonymous, and of course #CLAIREVOYANT) are still out and available for your viewing pleasure if you fancy a laugh!

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Cheers to whatever adventures and new roles 2019 will bring. 🥂

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“Oh sweet, poetic justice. Kyrsten Sinema, the first openly bisexual Senator in U.S. history, has been sworn into office using a law book instead of a bible by Mike Pence today. #116thCongress #swearinginday”

-  Farrah Alexander‏

#BlessedImage #BiVisibilityNotErasure

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Little humans being Bros.

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This is the best thing since sliced bread.