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superdinosaurdeathgore-nado

just your regular solo norwegian black metal act

Adam | 21 | Gainesville, Florida

1625 posts

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superdinosaurdeathgore-nado · 6 years

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The more I take steps towards emotional/mental growth and the more I start attempting to love myself, the more I seem to reflect on my past in absolute horror. All of my desperately repressed memories come flooding back and remind me of all of my horrendous words and actions.

I'd like to believe I've come a long way since then. I've been diagnosed with ADHD and have been treated. It has led me to come to a ton of realizations about my previous self.

I realized that I was constantly insecure about my shortcomings regarding sustained attention activities. I struggled in school and manipulated and made fun of others to make myself feel better. Just like my Dad.

I've realized that my dad has emotionally abused my whole family and I for most of my life and most of my family still hasn't even realized. It sickens me to think that I acted and still probably act similarly to my dad.

Now, after 4 years since High School- and of not talking to my dad- I've finished my first successful college course with a 96%

I feel more and more like my true self as I attempt to locate my identity amidst the murk from my dad.

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superdinosaurdeathgore-nado · 7 years

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Final blog post

(on this blog.)

I realize I haven’t posted on this blog for over two years.

One reason I haven’t deleted this blog is that I wanted to be able to look back and see how far I have come.

I also look back to see if I can learn from my past mistakes.

This time, while looking back at my posts on this abandoned blog– my heart broke and I have been crying the most I have in a while.

Something just became very clear to me and now fills me with sorrow…

I realized looking back at myself, that I was inhumane.

I shouldn’t have posted most of what I did. I didn’t take into account other people’s emotions or respect other people’s desires whatsoever. I look back and it seems extremely frightening to me now.

I wouldn’t want to be friends or associate with who I used to be– I would be terrified to have any sort of interaction with who I was.

Someone who would literally post angry and manipulative rants because he didn’t know how to deal with emotions and pain doesn’t seem like a chill dude to befriend in any manner.

I cried this time checking this blog because it has also become apparent how scary I must have been to everyone I was friends with. Thinking about it now, I would have dealt with me the same way everyone who I was close with did. By distancing myself the fuck away from this angry timebomb and hoping he forgets about me before he inevitably explodes.

I thought with each post I made, I was getting closer to the truth. That I was getting closer to some sort of ultimate realization that would help me make things better somehow.

I was definitely wrong about that. Reading my posts now I realize that with each post, I actually seem to get further from the truth. With each post, I seem to take my emotions to a further extreme and irrational level that left me further and further from the actual truth.

The actual truth that I was abusive and that I hurt many people I cared about with my lack of empathy for their feelings. That I disregarded their words and wariness towards me and aggressively demanded forgiveness for actions and words that I never acknowledged I had accountability or responsibility for.

I kept asking for forgiveness while simultaneously hurting the person that I was apologizing to by denying their feelings and wishes and by talking to them despite their attempts to distance themselves from me.

I realize now that all of my “apologies” were more like me trying to excuse my behavior.

I didn’t want to accept any blame for my actions or words and basically blamed them on my mental illness.

I thought that I acted so out of character that it wasn’t me at all.

But it was.

The words came out of my mouth or out onto my blog. Saying that I shouldn’t take responsibility for any of it is absurd.

It is obvious to me now that it was me the whole time no matter how you look at it. I might not have had the best self-control, but it was me who said all of the hurtful things and it was me who harassed my former friends for forgiveness. Expecting that they would be able to forgive someone who did not seem to think that they were accountable whatsoever. Someone that seemed to not even take into account how his actions and words made other people feel in the slightest. It was like I couldn’t comprehend that constant angry posts and messages were not making things better, and were actually making people scared of me.

I did so many things that were erratic and extreme– so many things that were downright hurtful and dismissive. Of course, people didn’t want to associate with me.

And I never took responsibility for any of it, even claiming that I did without actually doing so.

I have been crying because I have come to all of these realizations and I am so full of regret and remorse for stuff that happened years ago.

I would really just like to put out an open invitation to anybody that I have hurt to message me somewhere (not this blog) if/when they are ready. So that I may properly apologize for my actions and words directly to them specifically.

I post this with zero expectations of friendship or anything of the sort. I just want to properly apologize and take responsibility for all of my hurtful behavior.

Thanks for reading.

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superdinosaurdeathgore-nado · 7 years

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U dating someone???

Just saw this. Not currently ;)

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superdinosaurdeathgore-nado · 8 years

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