supercutpenguin

[supercutpenguin]

"younger siblings of course have it easy!" "you'll never understand what it feels like to be the oldest sister" of course I don't understand. because being the younger sister meant i worshipped my elder sister as a baby until one day she decided she was too old for me, going from my best friend to someone who wanted nothing to do with me. of course I don't understand the stress of being a responsible child, because when my sister dealt with it, she physically harassed me in ways so creatively cruel. of course i don't understand dealing with pressure to be a perfect example for others, because instead my sister ruined her life in every way possible, ran after every vice and addiction, piling up double the expectations for an extraordinary child onto the younger one. while the elder sister smoked and wasted money on clothes and drinks and boys, as if our dad didn't work 19 hours a day for it, i was the one who studied as much as i could, aimed for as high as possible, and showed up for my parents when they needed me. and despite forgiving her time and again for being the disappointment that she is, the elder sister is stubborn of course- a defining characteristic- she will never agree to change. she cared so much about the younger one, of course she would do anything to ruin my life out of jealousy and spite. of course the elder one protects the younger, that's why she's attacked me in every way possible my whole life. of course the elder one loves to treat the younger, that's why she has made continuous attempts to ruin my life.

istg, if one more older sister tells me i dont understand, even though i never said i did, then i'll scream. because you will never understand the trauma of the younger one. you selfish, self-hating, pitiful women. don't blame your shortcomings, your lack of hard work and empathy for our parents, on us younger ones. all your pain of being "the oldest sister" would've been yours to claim if you hadn't passed it on to the youngers.

[supercutpenguin]

the thing about growing up is there's less to dream about. as a little girl i would dream about college, an exciting career, love, hobbies, friends, and houses. and now that i'm living or pursuing those dreams, all i can think of are mistakes and regrets. as if, the more that i have lived, the more i have to regret. and less dreams i have to ponder. is that why nights are so hard? the silence close to sleep so crushing? i lie there weighed down by my mistakes and regrets.

[supercutpenguin]

but why is it that indian mothers are both so excruciatingly difficult yet so easy to love? i find you so frustratingly childish and disappointingly immature for judging and hating on little girls one third your age. of course no one else could ever guess what i want to eat today but you. your emotional blackmail and unnecessary pettiness weigh me down. i could never have dreamed to aim so far if you hadn't encouraged me to. you trap me in your disgusting ideas of the world. you protect me from everything and have held me when the world was mean. your rigid cruel rules for clothes and boys and appearance and identity hurt me everyday. but didn't you give me this face, this body? feed it, clean it, teach it to be itself? why must you love me with a knife at my back? wounding me slowly with cut after cut, maybe you can cut off that extra skin you always bring up while you're at it? maybe an imperfect daughter like me doesn't deserve a perfect mother that exists only in my dreams. but how do i ever pretend to love the mother i got when you make me hate myself and life so much? and how do i ever pretend to hate you?

[supercutpenguin]

being loved is unlike anything i’d ever known before. i peel layers of my skin off and look at you expectantly, “will you still love me despite this?”, for you to tell me you love me even more. every moment i spend apart from you, i wait to see you again. and when i’m with you every moment drags into hours. in the warmest arms i’ve ever known, i feel a peace i had never felt before. in the embrace of your lips and the nooks of your hand, i find pieces of puzzles that fit every gaping hole in me. you carry my heart with so much care, i never believed it deserved to be held that way. there is peace in finding someone you would give up every tantalising future to spend one more moment with in the present. it’s in the safety of your words, your arms, and your love, that i find a reason to wait to see the sun rise and set another day. i think i ended up here, so far away from everything i knew and everything i ever wanted, just to find you.

[supercutpenguin]

at my core, i am a lover of stories. that's why i love people who live life in experiences, i want to be the same. that's why i love books and words and writing. that's why i love history and movies. deep conversations getting to know a stranger or a loved one. i love stories.

[supercutpenguin]

My therapist was so real for saying the meaning of life is found in connection.

People hug their friends when they meet up and hug them a little tighter when it comes time to say goodbye. My grandfather rebuilt the broken rocking horse my grandmother had as a child, a gift from her father. There's an indescribable ache that goes along with seeing someone you used to know intimately, the becoming of a common stranger. Coincidences that bind, one time I got an uber and the driver used to live in my home before me. It was the last place he saw his father alive as a child and he nearly cried when I told him the walls were still the same colour.

Has anyone ever gotten over their childhood best friend? Is that alone not a testament to the fact we are more than blood and bones.

It's all about connection, friends.

[supercutpenguin]

i want to be loveable. and not in the way that i want every single person who meets me to adore me- no. i want the people i love to find it easy to love me back. i want interesting strangers to find it easy to confide in me, to be vulnerable with me because i'm just so easy to trust. i want to be the distant friend you can tell anything to. the person a classmate might approach for help. i want to be easy to love, and want others to know that im full of love, and so willing to give it away.

[supercutpenguin]

epiphany lovers are the archer and daylight lovers, are the state of grace and everything has changed lovers, are the untouchable lovers, are the marjorie and right where you left me lovers, are ALL OF REPUTATION lovers, are clean and you are in love lovers, are long live and speak now lovers

[supercutpenguin]

junghwan is the best character in Reply 1988

I’ve seen some people say he’s dull and boring, and i wonder if we actually saw the same show or not because it’s clear to me that he’s the one person who cares the most about all the people he loves. When his dad feels under-appreciated, he goes out of his way to reciprocate his silliness and make him happy. He studies hard for his mother, not to mention, plans a wedding for her when he finds out his parents never had a wedding. Even though everyone else refer to his brother as a no-good dumb grown man, inferior to junghwan in every way, he never thinks of his brother like that and instead, always wants to make him happy- to the point that all the dreams he had for what he wants to be when he grows up are what his brother wishes he could be but cannot because of his illness. He’s the one who immediately hit the bullies when they said “are you bragging that you don’t have a dad?” to sunwoo, when he’d silently followed all their orders before. He’s the only one who puts up with dong-ryong’s constant chatter and adventures without ever stopping him. I don’t even need to get into all the things he does for doeksun. My boy junghwan, the “i waited for an hour every morning to go to school with you. at night i couldn't sleep at all worrying about you until you got home. i thought of nothing but you. just you. when i ran into you on the bus, when we went to the concert together, when you gifted me a shirt for my birthday... i was so happy that i thought i was going crazy. i wanted to see you more than a dozen times a day. i was happy just to see you.” junghwan. But most of all, he truly loved and cared about Taek, sacrificing and burying his own feelings for Taek’s, going out of his way to avoid doeksun because he could never hurt taek like that. Junghwan is a character who loved deeply and with his entire heart. He’s quiet, considerate and sure, grumbling. But the grumbling definitely comes from his mother. He’s grown up seeing his mother express her love for his father through annoyed yelling, grumbling, and scolding. That’s the only way he knows how to show that he cares and loves.

IN CONCLUSION, nobody better come for my boy and say he didn’t deserve Doeksun or whatever and that he was boring. He deserved the entire world and was the best of all the characters in the show. Thank you for coming to my tedtalk. 

[supercutpenguin]

gorgeous instrumentals 

[supercutpenguin]

a cutesy playlist for when you get those butterflies