sunlightandspiritthroughthe-blog - Tumblr blog

[sunlightandspiritthroughthe-blog]

[sunlightandspiritthroughthe-blog]

traveling in general

Everyone has a glow everywhere. Here I am, contemplative and ethereal to be a part of this ever-growing dance. As we spend our last few days here in the boulder area, I will bloom and apprecaite everything around me. The mountains have my heart, and I wish to be deeper inside of them. I am traveling through this dimension of life, beautifully. Every day is a new adventure.

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remembrance

i am just a human. i can feel the entire essence of my body is something i regularly ignore. I am whole, complex, and strange. I love myself and I love the world around me. Everything holds such beauty. I need to consistently remind myself how fun this all is. How not so serious life is. I will not blink twice. I will not this life pass me by

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Inter-dimensional experiences

The street light was blinding, I just began walking into the void of the early morning. Downtown was silent, somber and peaceful at this time of hour. I had hardly ever seen this busy town so desolate. The stars in the sky were dim from light pollution and the buildings were bound in perfect symmetry.  I was already abusing the energy of only a few hours of restless sleeping. The word “insomnia” was becoming something I could spell forwards and backwards.  In the past few months I've been dealing with what one would call “overthinking”. I’d been feeling hopeless within the structure of what has become my life. Flooded with the typical existentialist questions of “what does infinity look like?” “What am I doing with my life?” “What reason do I have to feel this unhappy?” Working paycheck to paycheck, there was little time in-between to actually take care of my mental state. These feelings were things I swept under the rug. It’s amazing how versatile realities can be,  it can be defined in 7 billion perspectives. It’s empowering walking alone in the dark. I inhaled my cigarette, endorphins sending shivers into my spine. My pulse felt in sync with the chain-smoking movement of my hands, my feet gliding across the asphalt.The humidity oddly dispersed in the Florida night sky, reminding me of how it tasted last fall. I could only guess it was about 4:30 a.m, firmly I continued pressing one foot in front of the other. My soul felt detached from my body, as if it was hovering above me watching from all angles, surveying my surroundings in case I were to be attacked by God knows what. I'm halfway to my location, I realize I'm strolling into the less lit sections of of town, I know I'm not safe in these impoverished areas. Alas, that's the thrill of adrenaline, the pleasure of knowing something could happen to you in one instant. Your entire life as you know it could change in less than two minutes. I fantasized of how I could be lost into some oblivion, or maybe kidnapped and thrown into a ditch. Maybe I could make the wrong turn and stroll into a different dimension, become a Godlike figure to an underdeveloped society that has been awaiting my return. The crunch of acorns and leaves under my feet is constant. In my peripheral I spot a car, black as space, it's windows deeply tinted and glossy. Fear and excitement shot into me like a syringe full of heroine. There was something eerily strange about this car. I started to tremble, I had a terrible feeling of what could happen. No one is around me, if i ran, screamed. The only living thing that would hear me would be the dandelions pushing through the cracks of the concrete. It started to slow and pulled along beside me, I had every impulse to run the opposite way I was headed. However, I’ll admit I’m stubborn, I wanted to play chicken with my fears. I wanted to go against my intuition, I wanted to feel alive. I continue along the path. The shadowed being in the vehicle was now glaring at me. I cautiously turn to look at it, my bones turned to gelatin. Struck by it’s appearance, He who was in this car was nothing of this universe. It’s aesthetic is something I still couldn't describe to this day. It barely resembled the form of a human, dangerously attractive with porcelain like skin and long hair, black as ash. Eyes detailed like fractals, the impulse to flee his sight swept over me. I knew I needed to get away from this other-worldly creature. Will power is a funny thing when you are terrified beyond all belief. The impulse to cower thickened, however my soul took a deeper interest in this being.The unfamiliar energy pulled me toward the car, it’s smile was magnetizing as it was full of canine-like pointed teeth. I felt as if whatever I was doing in that moment had purpose, as if written into my fate. I am, I thought; I am calm, crisp and collected, like the summer night I’ve been walking into. The car came to a complete stop. Uncontrollably I stumbled closer, my eyelids close, there was a flash of bright white light. I open my eyes and am now sitting within the vehicle. Through my blurred sight, everything looked foreign. I did not feel human anymore. The interior was cosmic and sleek like gold. Iridescent colors radiating from the dashboard, I was profusely sweating and could barely keep my eyes open. I can promise you, I did not willingly get into this car. My mind began to flood with all of the possibilities of what were to happen now that I was inside. All of the acts I may be forced into, or be held hostage for money, maybe even sold into prostitution. I look at the godlike creature from the passenger seat. The road we were taking was not one downtown, it in fact was not a road at all. Complete darkness, no medians, no trees, no flickering rundown street lamps. Lifting my head to speak, it took my words before I could inhale the breath to produce them. "Let go of your fear, I have no reason to hurt you.” I open my mouth again but the being read my thoughts. " I am not an alien, demon, or some malice human" I felt so weak in that moment, I felt infinity inside me, screaming. "Can you not guess who I am?” His tone became sultry, as if he were telling me the secrets of the universe. "I am the darkness you were born with, the sadness inside your bones. I am the opposite of light." The words swirled into a haze, I knew I was finished, this man was clearly insane and dangerous enough to do anything to me."You're silly, I’m not going to do any of those things to you. I want to help you." I still couldn't comprehend how he was hearing my thinking, or how I had gotten inside the vehicle. My structure felt ethereal as if I've fasted for days on end, the window to my right showed only an abyss of infinite nothingness. "There's a very good reason I’ve manifested into this form and I'll tell you why, I needed to speak with you personally." I began to second questioned my status, was I surely not dreaming? Or drugged by some hallucinogen? I reach my hand towards the dash, it electrified the ends of my fingertips. "Feels good, huh? That’s pain, sweetheart. While living on this Earth, you need both sadness and joy to learn what it takes to be human. It’s all part of the living experience. I’ve been a witness to what has been growing inside of you, these past months. You’ve been thinking about ending your life, isn’t that right?" I enjoyed the shock, embracing the pain throbbing inside my fingertips. The car begins to speed, his eyes were the only thing that held any light. “I don’t feel like I belong here" I finally managed to make sound erupt from my lips. My entire existence flashed before me like a slideshow on a projector. He grinned, turned his head to me, and spoke the words softly, "I hate to admit this to you, but you will never be free. Your soul grows and expands through the pain and trauma. You need to embrace these emotions. They are who you are." These words stung me like the bee that I've never been stung by. "I've been here a while, waiting on you to walk alone, I needed to meet with you in a way you would understand......to help you" I still couldn't speak, I honestly didn't have to. This being knew who I was, he knew where my soul had been. He knew the thoughts that were inside of me."You’re intelligent, special even. I admire you too much to continue to watch you struggle. That is why I have seen you tonight. I know who you are, because I am you. And I want to enlighten you." He understood everything, every detail, every self realization I've made. Knowing my next breath would be shallow, he smiled again. "I want you, terribly. If you give yourself to me, you will see things in a new light. You will take advantage of what this life may give. You will find your balance." In this moment, fear kicked back in. I had been feeding off the adrenaline. "I'm not sure, I don’t know" I murmured.  He chuckled at the weakness of my voice and how it had shaken. "You have the answer, I can feel your desires. Have you not listened to a word I said?" He sounded irritated, yet relaxed. I felt myself consciously giving into his offer. I fell in love with the freedom he proposed. He caressed me with every syllable he spoke. I had never made love before. His hands gently ran through my beliefs. Slowly, he began to strip me of my apathy. I thought of how beautiful it would be to accept what he was saying. How beautiful it may be, to fully embrace the sadness of living. I made passionate love, to what I think was the  devil himself. Right there, in the backseat of a black mustang driving into a vortex nothingness. It was over as quickly as it started. I laid my head on what resembled a chest. "you will be stronger in spirit than ever before, your soul now has the capacity to enjoy both sides of this spectrum, and one day" he grew quieter, a glimmer of hope flared from his pupils. "one day, you will become just like me," My body went limp and lifeless when he spoke that sentence. My eyes forcefully pinched themselves shut. I was swallowed by a tornado of colors and shapes. My chromosomes congealed with the air, I felt weightless. I was no longer in the car but stepping over a deep crack in the pavement, along lime street. It had felt like a fever dream. A dim crossing light to my left, the loud silence made me feel high. Some things cannot be explained, with words, or even sounds. Somethings are like the wind, invisible yet undeniable. Whatever happened that night was bigger than me. Much bigger than my mortality and even more grand than the divide of light and dark. It was about loving and condensing the darkest parts of me, to allow room for the light inside to grow. It was about accepting what was to come, rather than resisting. It was apathy and empathy, love and fear, all wrapped into one. As if you took the polarity off of both emotions, and was left with the source. There was no regret, or rewinding of time. i just, kept walking.

[sunlightandspiritthroughthe-blog]

somewhat distant

these last few months have really been a whirlwind of all emotions. ive been embracing the full spectrum of being a human. When you are a human (speaking from experience) sometimes you do things that don’t make sense to you, scare you, or excite you. Even if these things aren’t always for a “greater good” or seemingly; these chaotic beautiful things make you who you are. Who am i if i do not fully inhale every breath of oxygen? even though, its been a mess. I believe synchronicity underlies these events. Strung with thread. I am much stronger than i was 6 months ago. I am much more collected and focused now than 6 months ago. I feel like an entirely different human than six months ago?? BE WHO YOU FUCKING WANT TO BE EVERY MOMENT OF YOUR LIFE AND DEAL WITH THE REALITY OF THE CONSEQUENCES WHEN THEYRE HAPPENING IN FRONT OF YOU.

On a “hows the trip going thus far, how does it feeeeel” note;

Free. My mind feels free. I have no agenda and have had it pretty easy since we left a week ago. HOWEVER, the trip is in PRE-PHASE. BY NO MEANS- has it really started. its been a beautifully odd time here. Ive had tortocolis, saw an owl, was rear ended by a woman with cancer, turned 22, and more will come. NOW, as we travel in a week. Who knows where we will head, the farm isnt until july 16th.

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i am not proud of some of the things ive done but it doesnt matter because they made me feel alive and human

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I will forever chase these pointed hills of magic and love with all of ny heart