subcultureblues

[subcultureblues]

“Friends to Lovers to Enemies to Tentative Friends to Bleeding Out In Your Arms But Like, In The Gay Way” AU

Steddie / Angst / Love Confessions / TW: Blood, Gore

Steddie ficlet that’s part of a larger work I’ll finish . Ya, know. Eventually.

———

“Hey, hey, hey,” Steve’s voice was soft and solid. He settled Eddie against him, cradled Eddie’s head on his thigh. Steve put his hand on Eddie’s cheek. He is holding him upright, holding his guts in at the point where the blood comes out and it burns. Eddie writhed in his arms and for a second, the pain outweighs the fear and he wishes it’d just kill him already. It’s hurt enough hasn’t it?

This life? It’s hurt enough, right?

“You’re gonna be ok.” Steve was stern and smooth and Eddie didn’t really feel like arguing for once. He looked up when he felt Steve’s finger tips, firebrands on his forehead. Gently brushing back his hair.

“It’s gonna be ok.”

Steve had tears running down his face but he still looked sturdy. The only thing left up right when Eddie’s whole world was sliding sideways like a tall candle melting wrong.

“I never stopped loving you, you know.” Eddie said feverishly. Shit, he thought. “Shit.” He hadn’t realized that until just now. Right when he was all out of time to figure what the hell he was meant to do with a big revelation that stupid and tragic and true.

Steve stared down at him in horror.

Hmmm. Now that Eddie thinks about it. He never did tell Steve he was in love in the first place…

“I was -“ he was choking on something, “ - n’love with you.”

Eddie realized he was talking in the past tense. Like Eddie Munson was already a someone that was. Like this is already inevitable. And it had been since the beginning and he hadn’t even noticed till right then.

Steve didn’t say anything. Eddie was too frayed to be nervous, let alone embarrassed. Steve had to have known right? Eddie had been so obvious, so stupid.

“S… S’so stupid.” He tried his best to laugh. Laugh at himself. Stupid Eddie. Who’s dying in hell with a boy that he’s loved and he’s hated and he’s never stopped loving, not for years. That was right there the whole time he was too chickenshit to do anything about it.

Steven Q. Harrington Esquire. His first kiss, his first fuck, his first betrayal, first heartbreak. Too many firsts and Eddie never stood a chance. Not when he’s never felt this much everything for one person.

He should’ve… he doesn’t know what. But he should’ve done something. Back when he had the chance.

Steve’s head was hung low, hair in his face.

Eddie realized just then, Steve was shaking. His shoulders snagged in a jerky rhythm.

“Steve?”

Steve looked up, his face broken open. His eyes were red and raw, with tears tipping over and trailing down his cheeks. He still looked beautiful, even when he was matted with the grit and madness of the Upside-Down. Even when his face was screwed up and red and devastating. Even when Eddie was so confused and far away he barely knew what the hell was going on.

Steve’s shoulders shook as he sobbed, and still he was holding pressure to the place that it hurt the most. Eddie realized his jacket had been gently opened. Realized he’d never been in this much pain in his entire life and that he was screaming.

“I’m sorry.” Steve croaked. “M’sorry.” Steve wasn’t trying to hurt him. He was just trying to hold all the blood in place but all of it was slipping through his fingers. Falling away. Feeding the ground. “M’ so sorry…” He said, it again.

“I love you, Eddie. I - me too.” He said. “Loved you this whole - “ Steve couldn’t finish. His voice cracked on a sob.

Eddie sucked in a breath. Grit his teeth. Because that one hurt. Maybe it was the fact Steve was pressing against a bloody tear, but that one hurt worse than the mauling.

He hacked up a laugh and it sounded a mess. It sounded like he was dying. It was just so funny. What do you even say to that?

His head lolled into Steve’s sternum and he closed his eyes to rest there. Steve’s body was good and warm, when it felt like all the heat was leaving him. Leaking out at all his frayed edges.

He’s at least pretty sure this is what dying feels like.

And Steve loved him.

Loves.

Fuck if that isn’t a funnier punchline than Eddie could ever come up with.

“Eddie. Eddie!” Steve sounded worried. Worried for him. The Eddie that he loves.

He dragged his heavy eyelids open, fighting a losing battle against gravity just to see that pretty face staring down at him. He smiled blearily. Tears in his eyes. Blood in his teeth.

It could be worse, he decided.

Eddie had thought the last thing he’d ever get to see were those damn ugly bat bastards. At least he’s dying with a view…

He closed his eyes again. The fight draining out of him fast. He can feel the tug towards this exhaustion that had cut him down to the bone.

“Eddie!”

Great, now Steve was panicking. Eddie wished he wouldn’t. Just wanted Steve to kiss him, pretty please. For old times sake.

So this is it, huh? A bad joke to bookend a shit life that never amounted to much of anything at all. And Steve had loved him. And they were all out of time.

Something. Ships in the night.

It hurts to think. It hurts to breathe, hurts to be.

But Steve’s hands are on him, pressing. Keeping him from floating away. That should still probably hurt like hellfire but it feels so distorted, a swelling line of amplifier feedback buzzing in his ears.

He should probably get his affairs in order, right? If he’s planning to die in the dirt. He tried to blink but he couldn’t hope to keep his eyes open.

“Tell the guys… They gotta to learn to tune their instruments… ya know. And,” he made a pathetic sound, “that they’re gonna make it big.”

His neck felt weak and his head drooped, bonelessly. His cheek was pressing against Steve’s warm solid chest. Mmm. What a beautiful place to die.

“Tell Wayne…” He was wheezing. Feeling like there wasn’t enough air left in the world to satisfy his paper thin lungs.

“Stop!” Steve said. “Stop it!”

Eddie ignored him. Not to be rude, but he’s not got all the time in the world. He’s…. He’s not got any at all.

“Tell Wayne. He was the grouchiest… old git… in … in… in- Indian…...” he felt himself drift off for a moment there, like he was falling asleep. Falling out of a dream. He managed to snap back awake. “Ah. — Hah. The… uh, best dad, too.”

“Tel-ell, guh. Tell mom…” Oh wait, she’s already dead. Whatever the hell he was about to say, he can probably tell her himself then. That is if Eddie converts in the next 2 minutes. And if all those preachers really were off the mark about what damnable offenses get you a one-way ticket on the Highway to Hell.

If that is his final destination, any last words he might hope to impart on Bruce Munson, well… Eddie’ll see him down there soon enough.

There was a warm wet hand on his face. Cradling it. It made Eddie feel a little bit invincible. Like that hand holding him steady was gonna keep him safe. Safe from anything. From everything.

“Tell uh…” Someone was crying, the sound all distorted. Someone turned the reverb all the up and the static was building into a crescendo, getting ready for the silence that falls over the room after the finale. “Tell ah, Steve. Steve Harring-hah…. Tell Steve.”

He could feel a soft thumb tracing his face, more gentle than anything’s ever been to Eddie his whole stupid, pointless, fucked up, cut-short, wasted life. He leaned it to it as much as he was able to. Yearned for the simple animal comfort of being held.

He appreciated that. More than he could put words, he thinks, even if he wasn’t going cold.

That the last thing he’d ever know was gentle. Was love.

The bloody corners of his mouth twitched up. It was all he could manage.

“Tell Steve…”

Then the curtains fell; and just like that the show was over.

[subcultureblues]

there is no soul of an artist that distinguishes them from some 'non-artist' category of person that could simply never comprehend what it is like. anyone can make art. you should know this by now. from ratatouille

[subcultureblues]

There is no good way to be a Christmas-hater. The only social scripts we have for a Christmas-hater is someone being converted into a Christmas-lover through the power of magic or love or terrifying ghosts. Also, people assume you are just the most unfun guy in the world.

I need a cool fun guy Lover social script for being a Christmas-hater where we learn the lesson of being ourselves and true to our most genuine inner life. Which is hating the holiday so so much.

[subcultureblues]

you gotta write for your dick not the stats

[subcultureblues]

Reblog if you write fic and people can inbox you random-ass questions about your stories, itemized number lists be damned.

[subcultureblues]

A Day After

Written for @steddiemicrofic!

[ AO3 ]

'TIME' wc: 485 | rated: T | cw: Canonical character death, Grief

Steve writes to Eddie.

Even though he wakes up every single day, celebrates holidays when he's supposed to, and shows up to work when he's scheduled, Steve never feels the passage of time.

It's like he's stuck outside of it; like maybe whatever affliction the Upside Down had, he has it too, and he's made of nothing but mold and rotten water.

I dunno though. he scribbles in his notebook.

It seems like it's just me, nobody else feels the like, weight of all of it. Once the graves were all shut with dirt it's like everyone forgot how many fresh ones there were, like it got erased from their minds.

What does that make me? Too caught up in the past, right? It's the new century tomorrow and all I can think about is four years ago. I shouldn't write to you still, but I keep doing it anyway.

Robin says she's gonna make me do psychotherapy, but it doesn't feel like it's all just in my head, it feels like I got some of those spores into my DNA or however that works. Now I'm just another demo-whatever without the gruesome teeth.

I dunno.

There's always unfinished business, right? But I can't figure out what the hell it is that I need to finish up. I want to move on but anytime I try nothing happens.

Maybe I died too. Maybe I'm a ghost and don't know it. Ghosts get stuck in loops too, maybe I'm just ghost-hallucinating it when I change the calendar.

Whatever. I know I'm being a downer. Maybe something good will happen soon. I promise if it does I won't forget you.

Goodnight Eddie. I'll write to you tomorrow.

Steve closes his notebook and buries it under everything else in its drawer. It'll be time to buy another one soon, this one is getting full. He has a shoebox of the old ones hidden in his closet under a bunch of porn mags. He hopes that somewhere Eddie's ghost thinks that's funny.

He gets ready for bed and doesn't look himself in the eye when he brushes his teeth. Despite how crazy it is, he still thinks maybe someday he can show Eddie some of the letters he's written to him. Sometimes it's the only thing that keeps him going, even though when life feels more normal he's too embarrassed to even think about it.

As soon as he falls asleep that night, just like every night, invisible fingers brush against his cheek and an invisible lips press a brave kiss to his mouth.

Eddie lays at the edge of the bed and Steve instinctively makes room for him, though he technically could just float or literally share the space. He passes through people quite easily. He watches the furrow between Steve's eyes ease away with satisfaction.

"Hang in there," Eddie says with a voice like staticky TV snow. "Something good is coming."

[subcultureblues]

Being Gay And Stupid Ruined Oscar Wilde’s Life And By God It Is Going To Ruin Mine Too

[subcultureblues]

honestly kind of funny when, after a childhood of severe physical & emotional neglect, you’re an adult and then your parent tries to lecture you on some shit or another. Like sorry dude the time for that sorta came and went if you wanted a child who didn’t leave cabinet doors open or didn’t leave the tops off of the pill bottles they have to take everyday to mediate symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder idk you probably should have like.. raised one

[subcultureblues]

70 horrible questions ... Fuck it

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? 02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? 03: Do you regret anything? 04: Are you insecure? 05: What is your relationship status? 06: How do you want to die? 07: What did you last eat? 08: Played any sports? 09: Do you bite your nails? 10: When was your last physical fight? 11: Do you like someone? 12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? 13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? 14: Do you miss someone? 15: Have any pets? 16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? 17: Ever made out in the bathroom? 18: Are you scared of spiders? 19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? 20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? 21: What are your plans for this weekend? 22: Do you want to have kids? How many? 23: Do you have piercings? How many? 24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? 25: Do you miss anyone from your past? 26: What are you craving right now? 27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? 28: Have you ever been cheated on? 29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? 30: What’s irritating you right now? 31: Does somebody love you? 32: What is your favourite color? 33: Do you have trust issues? 34: Who/what was your last dream about? 35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? 36: Do you give out second chances too easily? 37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? 38: Is this year the best year of your life? 39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? 40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? 51: Favourite food? 52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? 53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? 54: Is cheating ever okay? 55: Are you mean? 56: How many people have you fist fought? 57: Do you believe in true love? 58: Favourite weather? 59: Do you like the snow? 60: Do you wanna get married? 61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? 62: What makes you happy? 63: Would you change your name? 64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? 65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? 66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? 67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? 68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? 69: Do you believe in soulmates? 70: Is there anyone you would die for?

[subcultureblues]

Eddie "Bambi" Munson With the lights turned on. Stranger Things 4

[subcultureblues]

not myself when I’m sober

[subcultureblues]

they won't tell you this in therapy but sometimes the best way to stop catastrophizing/anxiety is to interrupt your spiraling with "girl what the hell are you talking about"

[subcultureblues]

if i heard a song with lyrics i related to i would turn it down so passers-by didn’t invade my privacy by hearing it

[subcultureblues]

"I feel so normal about him" well I dont. move

[subcultureblues]

at this point i only judge people from their sign + their favorite shakespeare play. reblog this post and write yours in the tags

[subcultureblues]

@little-trash-ghost No ok but no because wait ok because THAT’S the big brain take here! Cool Girl Robin is a front, the mask she puts on to stop the world from seeing her honest self (something she’s had to become very good at over the years 💔) and Steve’s the first person she’s met that she’s thought ‘this one’s safe actually maybe it’s ok’ and she’s free to be the nervous wreck of a person she is in her heart - because he loves her for it.

But also literally the second she sees a monster or a pretty girl she loses control of all motor functions, no brain-to-mouth filter to speak of, becomes the classic Useless Gay Archetype.

Like Cool Girl Robin might be blasé & unimpressed & gloriously sarcastic & sardonic & bold but stripped down, laid bare by fear and unable to uphold the carefully crafted persona - this bitch is a fucking DORK

hmm still don’t get why they gave Robin a personality transplant in season 4. Like Scoops Era Robin was textbook Cool But Rude. Sassy, snappy, and competent. Then next season she was kind of just? Replaced… by a different person who also happened to be named Robin Buckley? In conclusion, my hypothesis is that Steve’s terminal bitchlessness is a force so infinitely expanding it’s growing into a contagion that permeates the very air that surrounds him. And that catty lesbian loves him so much she simply never leaves his swag-eliminating aura

[subcultureblues]

JOSEPH QUINN as EDDIE MUNSON Stranger Things | 4.08: Papa