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I spoke to, or I shall say, I’ve listened to Tim yesterday (it is not his real name). We shared a pint after work. Tim is the most successful professional in our region. He is in his late ’20s, a tall, handsome, clever, witty and confident man. Life of a party. Tim got engaged about 6 months ago. He has a beautiful and equally successful partner. He told me many interesting and funny stories about how he got this job, how he met his girlfriend or what he does on holidays. It would appear that he is very happy. He has everything going for him. There was one odd thing though. Several times during our conversation, Tim mentioned the words “suicide” and “killing myself”. It was always in between the lines and he quickly jumped on to the next thing... 

Men account for about 70% of suicides and are three times more likely to end their life. Middle-aged men are the highest risk group. I have Googled these statistics this morning. 

Why I am writing this post? First of all, and to make it clear. I don't think about suicide. Even if I did, being a man, and myself, I would not admit to it. I would just go ahead and do it the Hemingway’s way. But, only if I ever became a burden to others. As long as I am healthy and can take care of myself, I will keep going. I believe that every one of us has the responsibility to make the most of the precious gift of life we have been given. It was not our choice to be born and it isn’t to end it. No matter how hard it gets. 

I used to think that only a coward would kill himself. That it is an easy, selfish way out of trouble, a final sign of weakness and surrender. And a man has to be strong!

But here comes the mental health and people’s struggle with it. 20% of us are affected by clinically significant depression. Most of these people do not get help when they need it. Men are the worse. While women are more able to discuss their feelings with others, we resort to internalising our emotions. This can take us down the path of social isolation and loneliness. The downward spiral leads to the black hole of helplessness where suicide might suddenly feel like the only logical solution. This is dangerous and we need to be aware of it. 

Verywellmind.com lists the most common factors for suicide to be: 

Being bullied 

History of physical or sexual abuse

Relationship breakdown

Loss of a loved one 

Not being able to sustain meaningful relationships 

Social isolation or living alone 

Using alcohol and drugs to help cope with issues 

Unemployment  

We cant easily change the way we are, open up the floodgates, ask for help and start talking about all the problems that are eating us from the inside. This is just not what men do. We do things differently. We go to our caves. 

“Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping” Jordan Peterson. 

We do need to watch out for these red flags. I can see more than one (!) Be aware of them. No one else is going to do it for us. We have to act sooner rather than later. One step at a time. The further down the path you are the harder it gets to stop the slide. The hell awaits at the end of it. Avoid the hell.

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Louie (Heartbreak and Love)

Dr. Bigelow: So you took a chance on being happy, even though you knew that later on you would be sad.

Louie: Yeah.

Dr. Bigelow: And now… you’re sad.

Louie: Yeah.

Dr. Bigelow: So… what’s the problem?

Louie: I’m too sad… Look, I liked the feeling of being in love with her. I liked it. But now she’s gone and I miss her and it sucks. And I didn’t think it was going to be this bad, and I feel like, why even be happy if it’s just going to lead to this, you know? It wasn’t worth it.

Dr. Bigelow: You know, misery is wasted on the miserable.

Louie: What?

Dr. Bigelow: You know, I’m not entirely sure what your name is, but you are a classic idiot. You think spending time with her, kissing her, having fun with her, you think that’s what it was all about? That was love?

Louie: Yeah.

Dr. Bigelow: THIS is love. Missing her, because she’s gone. Wanting to die…. You’re so lucky. You’re like a walking poem. Would you rather be some kind of a fantasy? Some kind of a Disney ride? Is that what you want? Don’t you see? This is the good part. This is what you’ve been digging for all this time. Now you finally have it in your hand, this sweet nugget of love, sweet, sad love, and you want to throw it away. You’ve got it all wrong.

Louie: I thought this was the bad part.

Dr. Bigelow: No! The bad part is when you forget her, when you don’t care about her, when you don’t care about anything. The bad part is coming, so enjoy the heartbreak while you can, for God’s sakes. Pick up the dog poop, would you please? Lucky sonofabitch. I haven’t had my heart broken since Marilyn walked out on me, since I was 35 years old. What I would give to have that feeling again… You know, I’m not really sure what your name is, but you may be the single most boring person I have ever met. No offense. Give me my dog. Come here. You… Don’t fall down.

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Words to help get you through till the morning;

‘Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning’ (Psalm 30:5 KJV)

‘In all these things we are more than conquerors through Him that loved us’ (Romans 8:37)

Moon interlude. By astrofalls.

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‘When neither sun nor stars appeared for many days and the storm continued raging, we finally gave up all hope of being saved.’ Acts 27:20 NIV 

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And I

Didn't ask you why

What could I say?

I was far away

You just walked away

And I just watched you

What could I say?

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source: themindmenu

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„I miss you. I miss not touching each other. Not seeing each other, not breathing in each other. I want you. All the time. No one else.“

— Blue is the Warmest Color

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Instead of going back home after the gym this afternoon, I sat on my bike and ended up driving to a few places. The places that will forever be my favourite. I don't know what I was hoping to find, but I felt that I needed to be there. I travelled the familiar roads and I stopped by a train station. The same station where I always used to arrive late. I've spent some time on the riverbank where I've learned that there is nothing better than an afternoon glass of wine and that it is perfectly fine to swim in the Thames wearing just your underwear. (There was a very young couple enjoying their time alone there today). I also found the old graveyard, where I lost myself in the moment that one time and I saw a night creature with untidy hair and all sorts of dirt in her usually perfectly sleek coiffure. On my way back I stopped by an old temple to lay down on the grass and listen to music while looking at the sky and thinking about the magnificent moments I've had in these places. I felt as if my heart wanted to come out through my throat.

Life is beautiful. It's delicate and full of pain, but it is beautiful. It won't last forever so we might as well enjoy what is left of it, with the people we love. All too often we fixate on what we've lost and forget to appreciate what we've had. If I focus a little more on the things for which I am grateful, I might actually become a bearable human being.

I am thankful that such a wonderful person had entered my life and I was able to touch hers. We’ve experienced unforgettable moments together.

When my time comes, and I will see my life’s flashbacks before taking my last breath of air, I will certainly be sitting by the river with the great company, chewing strawberries and sipping sauvignon blanc.    

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Let go of your fears ... take each day as it comes and cherish yourself in it ...

"To ‘let go’ doesn’t mean you stop caring for them – it just means you can’t do it for them. To let go is not to cut them off, but to realise you can’t control them. To let go is not to enable, but to allow them to learn from their consequences. To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in your hands and it never was. To let go is not to try to change or blame somebody else but to make the most of yourself. To let go is not just to care for but to care about; not to fix but to be supportive; not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes but to allow others to affect their own destinies; not to be protective but to permit them to face reality; not to deny but to accept; not to nag, scold or argue but to search out your own shortcomings and work on them; not to adjust everything to your desires but to take each day as it comes and cherish yourself in it; not to criticise or regulate others but to try to become what you dream you can be; not to regret the past but to grow and to live in the present. The truth is that letting go is to fear less, trust God, and love more."

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Thinkin' back, thinkin' of you

Summertime, think it was June

Yeah, I think it was June

Laying back, head on the grass

Chewing gum, having some laughs

Yeah, having some laughs

Wake up call coffee and juice

Rememberin' you

What happened to you?

I wonder if we'll meet again

Talk about life since then

Talk about why did it end

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The simplest way to get up and get going, to dig myself out of the black hole, is to get sweaty, is to go to work. This might be primitive but it works. We are animals, men are animals, and in the animal world, only the fittest survive. Primal instincts drive us to take action, to take risks. Mental and physical fitness go hand in hand. The two can't be separated.

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"Anytime you push something away, it's still there"

- Ram Dass

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