straykisses220

[straykisses220]

I’ve escaped this feeling for long enough

I knew it’d always find me

Creep up, and tear me open

Ruining everything in its path

I feel ruined too

Like I’m not physical anymore

Oh to be normal

Why must I be like this

[straykisses220]

Literallyyy

[straykisses220]

Chat am I cooked

[straykisses220]

How can the world spin,

without you?

It’ll spin without me too.

I wish you would’ve taken me with you.

[straykisses220]

Don’t rely on anyone.

They won’t save you

[straykisses220]

Idk if it’s me or what but when I’m wit friends sometimes I just can’t get out of the awkwardness.

Am I meant to be alone forever

[straykisses220]

[straykisses220]

“Would they cherish my presence more if I wasn’t alive?”

[straykisses220]

Journal quote - feb 2023

My soul is tired. It seeks for the life of nothingness. It always has.

[straykisses220]

When I was younger I used to wish I’d wake up and I’d be the only soul on earth. I would go on walks and pretend me and my dog were the last of us and we would walk around the deserted fields and side roads.

Maybe that’s all I wanted when I was stuck in that house, in that childhood. I felt more free pretending I was the last person on earth than I did in real life at home.

[straykisses220]

[straykisses220]

Tired but my sister can’t lose both of her sisters.

Tired but my father can’t lose another daughter.

Tired but grandma would be devastated.

Tired but my nephew can’t grow up with no aunts.

Tired but my mom can’t meet me like this in the afterlife.

Tired but my sister would have to get rid of all my stuff.

Tired but my siblings can’t lose their baby sister.

Tired but my sister wouldn’t be able to handle it.

Tired but my sister would likely follow me.

Tired but they wouldn’t be able to handle reading my journals knowing.

Tired but who would tell my childhood best friend.

Tired but

[straykisses220]

Journal entry March 12th

I can’t keep living in uncertainty. I think this life has been cursed. I want to believe that when I die I’ll be born again and live a fulfilling life. But I know that won’t happen and that after this there is nothing more.

How does this thought not destroy everyone else in life the way it does me? Why aren’t people just as fucked up as I am? Why do I have to be so different?

My life is so isolated.

I know I’m not normal, but how am I supposed to feel normal when nobody understands me? And if they ever care to, they leave because they don’t like it and there’s billions of other people to choose from.

I always fall off. I want to live, just not like this. Not this life. I don’t know, sometimes the reality of my life consumes me. I just don’t want to be lonely but I know I will be forever, it’ll follow me even past death.

[straykisses220]

I wish I could tell you about my life without traumatizing you too.

[straykisses220]

Journal entry March 2nd-

It’s 11:48pm right now, I’m tired but not from lack of sleep. I feel like my life has come to a stop. It’s been 10 months since I’ve graduated and I have accomplished absolutely nothing. I’ve lost myself more than I ever thought I could. A year ago today I had a plan. I had hope, that life would magically get better. I had dreams. I guess they were too out of touch.

All I ever wanted was to live a normal life. I don’t know how everything fell so fast. I don’t know who I’ve become, I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m scared of time. Of 10 years going by and looking back and still feeling this pit in my stomach. How did I fuck up this bad?

[straykisses220]

When I binge and can physically feel myself growing more fat<<<<

[straykisses220]