strangeshutter

[strangeshutter]

˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ dear diary: half return

Okay so it's been a little while, but I'm still here. I only really have this account on my laptop because having it on my cell phone makes me nervous for some reason? I'm unsure. But, it's late at night and no one is around and I find myself eager to write something into the vastness of the internet, never to be read more than once by some stranger of two.

A brief update: I can't tell if I feel better. I've started doing things to my body to cope, but it never seems to fully be enough. I continue to think at least once a day about killing myself, but only really when I'm fully alone and have no one to distract myself with. I hate to be so dependent on others, but truthfully I can't find it in myself to just be a normal person who can be alone and still enjoy time. I constantly need distraction and interaction or else I start to go down this pipeline of feeling like shit and wondering if the world would be a better place without me. I still feel unfit for society, I still see no future, I still wish that I won't wake up the next morning when I sleep at night. I find myself wondering if my peers understand that at all. I feel bad when I open up about it and try to say just how bad it is, as if I'm yanking for some kind of attention, That's never been the case, I actually feel like maybe the reason I talk so much about it is so they'll be less shocked when or if I ever actually disappear from the world. Sometimes I don't think they'd care, but also I kind of think thinking that way is selfish or ignorant?

On the brighter side, I have been feeling a little happier when I'm around them all lately. We've been doing some more simple shit that only really requires being in each others company, which we never used to do because it's a little corny to just sit silently on the phone with each other. I used to hate being on the phone with people for long spans of time, mostly because I'd run out of things to say and then get gradually ore annoyed by the silences. However, with this specific group that I've been friends with for around two years now, I find it so easy to just be around them and not worry about being silent. For example, with the last person that I was this close to, I would go quiet on the phone and he'd immediately start assuming I was upset or tired of him, then made me feel like I had to baby him to make him feel better about it. Now, I can be playing games with my friends and mute and they don't mind at all. For a good while, we would play Stardew and I would just go out of nowhere and they'd immediately just know I was taking a verbal break to be on my own even while playing the same game as them. It's almost refreshing to just be quiet after talking for hours about random crap.

I used to feel that I couldn't be myself with this group, but as of these past few months, it's gotten easier and easier to let loose and say what I want about what I like without feeling badly. They've even started watching shows I like with me just to tag along and make jokes. I think everyday I feel better and better about living as long as they're around. But that really only drags me back to the whole being dependent thing. I wish I could be alone and happy.

I think that's all the bullshit I have the energy to spew for the night.

[strangeshutter]

˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ dear diary: contemplation

I don't necessarily think I want to die, I think its just that I don't want to be here in this place anymore. We've lived in this house for nearly ten years now, so since I was a child, and yet I want nothing more than to go away. I tend to like things like this, spaces that remain the same for years, places where only stuff like the color of hand towels and the types of sofas change. However, when I walk through this house or even just sit in my bedroom, I feel that I need to get away. Maybe it's because of the things I've been through here, the ages I've been. I'm scared that if we move though, I'll miss this place too much. I want to go away, find my own home, pick out my own colors for hand towels and types of sofas, but I'm so far from that reality. I have no job, I have no car, I could be considered a disappointment to all around me and all who know of me. I feel even some of my friends don't understand this. It's not that I'm lazy, it's that I never planned to live this long at all. I didn't want to make it to thirteen even, much less nineteen. I think that it has ruined me in some way, I'm sort of left floating in this dreadful air that I'll never amount to anything ever in my life, so why even try.

I can't do anything about it though. I'm self aware, I can see that people care about me, I cry knowing that my own ending would impact them in harsh ways, and I love them all so I don't want to hurt them in any way. But at the same time, when will it end? When will i grow up and start actually living a life I can be prideful or even just remotely happy in? Will I ever get to that, or will I cut it short impulsively? I keep hearing and reading people say that I'm still young, that there's still so much time left to find it all out myself, but I feel I've already fallen behind people my age. My friends are getting jobs, driving around, planning their futures with hope. I see no future for myself. I see no light at the end of the tunnel, how am I supposed to just walk in blindly, unknowing of how long it will take to get out, or if there even is an out at all?

I can admit, sometimes I feel hopeful. Sometimes someone will say it all just right and I'll believe them. I'll get out, I'll feel better. I'll have an apartment with my best friend in the city. We'll have dinner every night together and make a tradition of watching Saturday Night Live on our big couch. We'll adopt pets, learn recipes, take photos and hang them up in thrifted frames. I'll stop hurting myself, I'll be too busy being a happy person to even remember I ever felt this way. I'll take a class, have hobbies. I can see it, but it's too far and its like there's this long path of barbed wire and rotting fruit in my way. I don't know how to get there, how to be that person.

[strangeshutter]

“Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and they will come forth, later, in uglier ways.”

— Sigmund Freud

[strangeshutter]

˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ dear diary: reflection

I really only made this so I could talk about a girl. I was sitting there and was honestly thinking about dying, which I do often, it was nothing unfamiliar to me, not even really concerning anymore. I was thinking about how I'd rather be dead, but then I remembered that me and this girl and some friends are going to hangout later this week. I don't understand why she means so much to me, especially when we don't talk nearly as much as we used to. We used to spend hours every day together at school, and wed sit next to each other everyday and I can remember drawing together and sharing headphones and just being so sure that I felt something for her. We only talk like once a week now, which sucks because I never feel sure of my tone over text, so it's like does she know that I'm messing around or does she think I'm serious when I joke around and banter? Anyways, point is, the mere thought of her makes me feel so much better, like holy shit we're gonna hang out n shop together and be close to each other for the first time in like months.

That all is great but then there's also a boy. I just recently started talking to him again because we really crumbled last time we got close like this. He was too fast, like within a month he was talking about being obsessed and how I was his heart. Which, usually, I don't mind at all. I just don't think I was ready to be his girlfriend, so when he asked me I said no and he seemed upset by it and I felt really bad. We decided to not be friends but then during no contact I started to kind of miss the nerves of talking to him, of him writing about me in poems, so I texted him and like I dunno. Now, its the same as before and I thought I was more prepared now but I keep wondering if I'll really be happy with him. He doesn't know my favorite color, or what cartoons I grew up watching, or how my dog is my favorite being on earth, or why I think my soul is multicolored. He's so normal, like he thinks he can just learn all that while I'm his girlfriend but I don't want to be with someone unless they already know all of that about me. What if I get with him and then show him all of that and then he decides he doesn't like me anymore and then I get all hurt because I ripped my soul open to show him the mush? It's complicated, and I'm complicated but I guess that's what I get for being a human. I figure maybe I'll just treat him like a friend, be casual and hope he doesn't still like me, we haven't really talked about if the feelings are still there or not just yet.

In other news, I think I like the girl more than him. Even though I don't talk to her nearly as much as him, every time I talk to her i get all happy nervous, but when the guy I get insecure? I think that's the feeling at least, like nervous but in a kind of bad way like all my moves have to be calculated. I don't know why I value his opinion, he's just a guy.

I feel that's all I have to report today.