strangers-diary

[strangers-diary]

and that's on my sex life

horny doesn’t always mean wanting to have sex. sometimes it means wanting to be beat up or stabbed or smth

[strangers-diary]

maybe someone will give me the patience I keep granting. maybe they will recognize the hurt I need to heal. maybe they'll learn to breathe in for me.

but who would have the patience to love me?

[strangers-diary]

the simple truth is that when once someone moves /far enough to build a different life, your importance remains in terms of numbers and in terms of words but not in terms of actions because actions mean you have to compromise on the newly built life. who would want to do that? we’re all searching for comfort where we are. he found comfort where he is. the fact that it has been an year into university and i have not found a single friend, and the fact that academics has not been my comfort either, and the fact that i am so lost that i don’t think i can recover at least not now, and the fact that i keep holding on to that past - none of these facts are his fault. 

are they things he could’ve taken care of? could he have tended to my wounds and bandaged my loneliness? sure. but why would someone stay back when they can move forward?

is this rational annoyance or irrational annoyance. 

annoyance at the fact that he rarely finds time for me while he’s getting closer to someone else: rational

annoyance at her in general: irrational

annoyance at him adding her to our safe space: VERY rational

annoyance at him being absent from my life for so long: rational.

tired. keep your distance. make a decision.

[strangers-diary]

all the people who claim to love me with the strength of a thousand storms are the ones who bring me so much pain. i don’t understand why.

[strangers-diary]

some days i feel ok with no one knowing about my identity but days like today i want to cry and fill up a well because 99% of people do not know and will never know that i’m not straight and i don’t know why it’s such an important thing but having to hide it is killing me inside today i wish i could simply say it. i wish i could tell them. i wish i could express publicly. it pains me to know that they will never know. 

[strangers-diary]

just because im not out i keep forgetting that gay pride month is for me too lmfao 

[strangers-diary]

anyway why does she do this to my heart 

[strangers-diary]

i don’t want to be shamed for having a week where i do minor work, mostly sleep and waste a considerable amount of time. it’s normal. being lazy on a few days is normal. i hate that my mother makes me feel inadequate because of it. 

[strangers-diary]

every day my mother wakes up and makes sure I feel inadequate

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i feel so pretentious indulging in or talking about my interests but my god do i want my life to be surrounded by poetry and museums and art and creating and writing and all of the things that are considered mainstream and quirky now but !!!!! i would relish in it and my life would be full of meaning 

[strangers-diary]

how to be a god

speak with a smirk, your smile can be a magnet. speak with a scowl, your eyes could cut like daggers.

walk with your head high, let your wings stretch as wide as possible. never look down on mortals, you’re meant for the skies.

dress to the nines no matter the occasion. ballgowns from any time period, victorian suits, knights armor. blood stains are simply proof of your power.

stain your lips with cherries or pomegranates, or even blood. slip daggers into your hair and tie your hair back with gold chains. never forget to adorn your head with a crown.

always touch, never be touched. let your hands roam their body freely, and take your time sizing up your pray. when you kiss them, don’t forget to bite.

carry around books from the crusades, from witches, from the romans. read to remember the battles you were apart of, the stories written after you.

speak in latin, in ancient greek, in ancient tamil. let the mortals know your words have power. scrawl ominous sayings across the wall, whether it be in blood or wine

every day feast as if there’s no tomorrow. accept only ambrosia and wine. sit at the head of your table and unfurl your wings, the world is at your fingertips.

let the women circle around you, shouting your name in a crazed way. let them dedicate their lives to your glory, let them kill to be near you. you are above all.

take your time. time runs by you, drink your wine slowly, scrawl threats on paper without rush, slide your sword into the mere mortal tenderly. you own the world.

[strangers-diary]

losing something I thought would grow into being bold and beautiful.

[strangers-diary]

the end.

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i loved you so wildly, and you chose to close your eyes. i guess you never knew you’ll never have love like that again in your life. and i’ll never love like that again in my life. 

[strangers-diary]

so close to love and so scared

so close to getting what i lost, but what if i lose it all over again?  

[strangers-diary]

okay.

okay.

okay.

futures are scary and thinking about the future is scary and making decisions is scary but waiting for someone else to make the decision is even scarier.

but God, when I lose him.

when I lose him it's gonna be hard.

of course I won't 'lose' him but I'm gonna have to let go of my feelings and these feelings have been an odd kind of security blanket for me for a really long time and it's scary to think about being without it, forever and permanently.

I hate growing up. I hate finality.

I hate that we have to make concrete decisions.

I hate that I'm so scared, NOT just of having to let go of those feelings but EQUALLY scared of getting to keep them.

like I said, finality is scary.

also. I'm scared that we're exchanging the words that I once exchanged with ******. it's just bringing back my fear of abandonment and my absolute total lack of belief at the idea of forever. it's bringing back my fear, which is expected obviously, but I never expected to feel this emotion again so quickly.

do I let myself free? but what if I get left again. because if I let myself free then I never do the leaving.

I have to think twice and thrice and four times.

he makes me so happy. he's so beautiful.

[strangers-diary]

oh God my heart hurts for no good reason