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OH LAWD

By @stringmousey

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Minca, Sierra Nevada de Santa Marta, Colombia.

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Moths found at a light trap in the Ecuadorian cloud forest

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Lotaphora iridicolor

Family: Geometridae

Discovered: 1880 by Butler

Habitat: South East Asia

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Anyone else having trouble staying in touch?

I find myself really uncomfortable with my avoidant behaviour.

I haven't checked on my dad since the quarantine started, until today because of his birthday.

The only friend that actually cares about me and texted me a lot when this thing started, stopped texting me because I rarely texted back, usually after a couple of days.

I quit the course I was taking online at college because I was getting bad anxiety, feeling too dumb to deal with the course myself but not wanting to get un touch with my classmates to do group assignments neither.

I don't feel like I share too much with my mother and my sister. I'm just around them, usually doing chores or other lonely activities.

And the thing is that I actually feel sad af.

I get the drive to meet people online, as If I didn't have any friends already to talk to. But I'm so afraid of talking to my friends, I don't have anything new to say, I'm just my lonely old self.

I'm that person who brings the energy down and then feels guilty about it. So I avoid being in touch. It's a vicious circle.

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do you think i can cure my depression by making a bunch of these.

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We baked a cake

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it’s still chilly out, but warm enough for the Ophion to come to light

Ophion sp.

April 4th, 2020

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Leucanella apollinairei

Leucanella apollinaire

Family: Saturniidae

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Hypsidia Erythropsalis

Family: Drepanidae

Discovered: 1896 by Rothschild

Habitat: Northern Australia

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“Diver Goals”, new gouache drawing.

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Bombyx mori

Bombyx mori - Domestic silkworm

Family: Bombycidae

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I’m nearing the end of my studies at college, and it feels like I’ve come full circle.

9.4.2020

The decision of studying biology wasn’t so much of a career choice. I just knew I liked nature, that studying was some sort of ticket home, and I thought that getting my bachelor’s degree was gonna to add value to my life.  It was a whole new life for me: I had moved back to my childhood city, leaving behind a somewhat traumatic past. I started college in 2013. Back then everything felt alien, scary, people felt unapproachable and some of my courses seemed like monsters. I managed to deal with my insecurities as the years went by, and studying gave me a feeling of accomplishment and direction. 

Now 7 years later I’ve been experiencing the same kind of paralisis I felt as freshman. 

Last year I finished all of my classes, having only 4 finals left and my thesis. This became an anxiety inducer, as two of these subjects and the thesis are a part of my career that scare the shit out of me.

Also this summer my sister moved in with me and passed the admission exam for art school. I had been triggered before by my new generations at college, for they made me realize that I was “getting old and getting nothing done beside my third year finals” also because throught the whole career I didn’t feel like I fit the profile of a scientific/reseacher. I still just really liked nature and couldn’t care less about “science”. But then when my sis moved in, it was a whole new crisis. Because it gave me some perspective and I realized I was again feeling no motivation, as if I have nothing to look up to because my college years are now part of my past. 

I’ve built up a pretty good life here, made good friends, started therapy with a lot of progress, even developed an artistic side (pottery and embroidery). I fell in love with someone I met through college and who also loves me back, and we’ve been together for almost 2 years. But I’m getting awful anxiety attacks, feeling no direction in my life, feeling useless once again. 

Even though I have re-encountered my childhood passion for insects, It’s really hard for me to see myself as an entomologist or even a biologist, because I feel like I don’t fit the profile, even thought I consider myself a smart person, I think i’m a slow learner, my memory is awful and I still feel pretty childish.  I have my hopes on my thesis director, a woman I totally admire, a lepidopterologist who’s sort of my personal Jane Goodall. She reached out to me because I was asisting her phD student with her work (nothing fancy, just cleaning bug samples) and I kinda rolled with it. I never thought of working with Lepidoptera, I thought it was too cliche (well, I sill do), and i know your thesis doesn’t define what you are gonna do the rest of your life, but I also commited myself to do an extra work with her after my thesis. So it’s a start.

Sadly with the quarantine I’m kinda stuck home with my anxiety. That’s why I decided to revive this blog and give it another purpose. I want to document my way out of the mental mess I’m in. Because I know I’ve been in this kind of situation before, and I didn’t end up killing myself, so I must be capable of finding some new direction. At least for a while.

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aquarryl on ig

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☄⛈🌟🌫 Sky Variations & Nebulae of Water • Part II | Art by StrayChild on ArtStation

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