starvation-diary

[starvation-diary]

Trying again

I failed. I stopped my diet a long time ago, but now I’m ready to get back on track.

I’ve been able to starve myself at school again. Although, I don’t have much school anymore now. Maybe I’ll try exercising for a long while in the mornings now.

Starting next semester I’ll be living in a dorm. That way, I can control my diet way more. I doubt I’d be eating anything other than breakfast and dinner now, if I could even call my meals dinner.

I’m planning on limiting my food a lot. Maybe when I get to 60kg, I’ll treat myself with getting my hair dyed.

I also want to structure my posts a little less. Maybe that’ll help me post more.

Morning weight: 69.7[kg] Target weight: 50[kg]

[starvation-diary]

Day 13

A little continuation on the rant.

Last night, I was so frustrated I thought I’d starve myself. When I woke up, my head was a little clearer, and I realized that was stupid. 

I weighed myself and was so happy to be still under 71.

I ate one fried egg and two half pieces of ham omelette. At school, I had coffee. It was 180 calories, Christ.

Before going home, I went to get a trim. Needed to make my hair a little thinner for the summer. It was a little out of my way, so I decided that instead of commuting back onto my usual route, I’d walk. That added around 1km to my total distance. 

When I got home, I went to sleep. After waking up, I ate oatmeal.

Morning weight: 70.8[kg] Target weight: 50[kg]

[starvation-diary]

I feel like shit

I need to rant. But I can’t rant to anyone I know. I’ll just take it out here.

Yesterday, I told my girlfriend that I went above 71[kg] again. I told her it was because we ate together and I had pizza. 

She had the audacity to tell me that I “should lessen my junkfoods”. God, I know that. I fucking know that. I just ate because it was an occasion. And what about you wanting me to eat with you? You were already asking me to go over my calorie limit last night. Aren’t you partly to blame? If you were a little more supportive of me, this wouldn’t have happened.

You tell me it was only one time. What the fuck. You’re free from all blame? You can’t find anything wrong with your actions?

You tell me “you know me”. You tell me it’s because "I love pizza”. What the fuck? It was one time. One time like the time you asked me to eat with you. Except it wasn’t.

Day after day, you ask me to eat with you. You continuously ignore my effort in losing weight. You want me to stop. But I don’t fucking want to. Not until I reach my target goal. You want me to eat. You know I don’t want to. And yet, you insist.

Now you’re being a fucking hypocrite. I fucking hate how you relieve yourself of all the blame and pass it all to me. Well, tough luck. I’ll make sure the only time we eat is during dinner.

Fucking hell. It hurt me. It hurt me so fucking much. I was about to go to sleep when she said that. A little while later, while I was trying to sleep, I just slapped myself. Hard. Many times over. It went to the point where it was like I was pounding my face against the wall. I slapped myself until I cried. 

Fuck you.

[starvation-diary]

Day 12

A little frustrated at myself today.

For breakfast, I had one egg and 5 chicken nuggets.

I just brought 500mL of water and decided to just refill at school.

During Calc 1, my professor got us all pizza for the end of the term and his last class with us. I took a slice. It was a small square slice. But it was still a slice. I kinda wish I didn’t take it, but oh well. It was his parting gift to us. It was his act of kindness, and I really appreciate it. So, I’ll let myself go this time.

A little while later, I ate some chocolate cookies. Those were the ones I got from the internship interview yesterday. Honestly, I didn’t want to do it at first. My girlfriend just wants us to eat together. I really don’t like eating, but she gets sad if I turn her down. Oh well. +170 calories. 

I just ate oatmeal with milk powder and milk.

My mother gave me a sandwich wrap, but I decided to save it. I can’t just go eating more and more. I put it in the fridge so I can have it for breakfast.

Morning weight: 70.9[kg] Target weight: 50[kg]

[starvation-diary]

Day 11

I have mixed feelings about myself today. On one hand, I went over my calorie limit immensely, but on the other hand, I walked 13000 steps and came home lighter than I was yesterday. 

For breakfast, I wanted something a little yummier than usual. I had two poached eggs. 142 calories. I also had 5 chicken nuggets. 165 calories. A little later, I was hungry and ate one of the fried eggs cooked. 90 calories.

I then left for my interview and also to pass one of my papers. On the way, I bought some coffee. 80 calories. When I was at school, after I passed my paper, I bought another drink. 90 calories.

When I went to the city where my interview would be, I was given some snacks. After the interview, I ate one of them. 70 calories. I also had some sort of green tea fruit juice thing. Around 90 calories.

When I was on my way home, I dropped by the mall near the train station and bought myself a pair of Bluetooth earphones. Now I’m going to be more active during days without school.

I also had my oatmeal, but I didn’t have the chocolate powder I usually put in.

Morning weight: 71.7[kg] Target wright: 50[kg]

[starvation-diary]

Day 10

Something intense happened to me today. It happened around 2pm. I was hungry, and then I was shaking. As in, trembling. I don’t know. I don’t know what took over me that moment. I was hungry. Really hungry. I just had to eat. It was crazy. I ended up eating quite a bit. I’m glad we had soup today, otherwise, I would have eaten really unhealthily. I ate a bowl of soup with vegetables. It had chicken, but I didn’t get any. I don’t want to add too much protein to my diet. I also ate crackers. After a while, the trembling lessened. While eating my crackers, I was drinking water. After I finished it, I was still trembling a little bit, but there were no more biscuits left. I found some chocolate cookies, but then I looked at the calories. 170 calories. Heeeeeeell no. That kinda snapped me out of my hunger spell. I just had one more bowl of soup instead. After this bit of binging, I was only .6kgs from my morning weight. I was relieved. I thought I went above 72 again. 

For breakfast, I had the usual. One egg and one hotdog. A little later in the morning, my stomach was growling. I was about to make oatmeal, but I needed to boil some water first. While I was waiting for it to boil, I realized that I could just make coffee instead. I was thinking about still making oatmeal too, but I slapped myself and got it out of my head. I just had coffee, though I didn’t know how many calories it was. Still, it helped my hunger. I had two mugs today though. And sadly, I used the last of my milk powder on those two mugs.

Now I’m having oatmeal. I thought we were out of milk, but I checked just to be sure. There was still some in our kitchen cabinet. Yay. I love my mother. Though, she doesn’t know I’m doing this. I’m pretty sure she’d freak out if she knew. She still thinks I’m eating lunch and eating when I’m hungry. No one in my life knows about this blog. And I hope it stays that way.

Also, it’s been 10 days. I heard a habit forms after 15 days of repetition. I hope this becomes easier after a few days.

EDIT: First time I made an edit. I don’t think it’s enough for another post, so I’ll just add it here. I’m still not over 72kg even after eating oatmeal. Yay. Also, my mother came home with tuna pie, one of my favorite snacks, and I declined. Granted, I hesitated, but I declined in the end. I’m so proud of myself. 

Morning weight: 71.3[kg] Target weight: 50[kg]

[starvation-diary]

Day 9

This morning, I had an egg and two pieces of spam omelette. I brought a total of a liter of water to school to lessen the load on my back.

Since today’s a Saturday, I only had one class and didn’t walk that much as a result. I was able to walk at least 5000 steps today.

For dinner, I had 4 tablespoons of oatmeal with chocolate and milk

Morning weight: 71.5[kg] Target weight: 50[kg]

[starvation-diary]

Day 8

I started doing my <500 calories per day diet today. All I ate was an egg and a hotdog. I then walked 9000+ steps today. I brought 1.5L of water total, though it was really heavy. Mostly because 1L was in my insulating flask. Maybe I’ll just fill that up to half next time. I’m not sure my back can take it.

After 9000+ steps and going home, I went to sleep. I woke up with 71.8kg. I’m so happy. I’m so proud of myself.

Also, my family bought food from Shakey’s. I’m not even hungry enough to eat that. I’m just going to eat my oatmeal like I always do.

Morning weight: 72.4[kg] Target weight: 50[kg]

[starvation-diary]

Day 7

Feeling like a failure. My weight isn’t going below 72. In fact, it’s just hanging around 73. Maybe I need to be more drastic. 

I’ll just start with my usual posting and then get onto my plan.

For breakfast, I had around 3 pieces of spam omelet. I also had a hotdog and egg. I think I went over my calorie limit with that. 

At school, I felt weak. There were times I would stop walking and just stand. I don’t know if that’s the hunger or the drowsiness. Still, I’m fine with going through that again if it means I get to lose more weight.

Apparently, there’s something called “Starvation mode” where your body will just use fewer calories for work. Well, looks like I need to lessen my calories then. No more than 500 per day. That includes my oatmeal for the night.

Let’s see, one poached egg is 70 calories and fried egg is 90 calories. My oatmeal every night is just a little below 150. That’s already 220-240 calories. That means whatever I eat with my egg should be no more than 260-280 calories. 

I’ll even try burning 1000 calories a day. Burning more than what I’m gaining should be a surefire way to lose weight. 

Maybe I’ll try walking 1 hour per day on days I don’t do anything. I don’t want to be staying at home gaining weight. I want to lose weight. I hate myself. I hate that I look like this. I hate that I’m so fat. I hate this all so much. I just want to lose everything.

I don’t think starvation mode will overpower me forever. Those that actually starve get real thin. I’ll force that to happen to me.

Morning weight: 72.5kg

Target weight: 50kg

[starvation-diary]

Day 6

I fucked up. I fucked up badly.

For breakfast, I just had an egg and one hotdog. Same thing as before since that was what was at the table. 

A little later in the morning, I was given a chicken sandwich. I ate it. I regret it. I wish I could have just put it in the fridge so I could just eat it tomorrow. But no. My fat ass had to just fucking give in and eat it. God. I thought I could control myself. But I was wrong. 

I don’t usually eat lunch, but since my girlfriend was over, I ate lunch with her. I had some soup with vegetables, though I ate a couple of cuts of pork. I also had another egg and another hotdog. I think I went over my 1000 calorie limit. I hate myself.

I just ate my oatmeal and I wish I could just get it out by the morning. 

[starvation-diary]

Day 5

For breakfast, I ate one fried hotdog and one fried egg. It’s the same as the past few days, but it’s quick to make. 

After that, I just ate one pack of crackers. I spent the whole day walking and got to 8.7k steps. Before I went home, I had some juice. Just a little bit.

I weighed myself when I got home. I was at 72.5. That’s how I started in the morning, so I guess that’s fine. 

I’m going to start reducing the oatmeal I eat. I ate 1/3 less oatmeal and had 1/3 less milk 

After eating oatmeal, I weighed myself again and I was at 72 flat. I was so happy.

Before going to sleep, I ate a banana.

I think I should be hitting <70 soon. 

[starvation-diary]

Day 4; Night

My day went well. Before noon, all I ate was my breakfast of one hotdog and egg, coffee, and crackers. In the afternoon, I bought some drinks. I drank lemon juice and coconut juice because it’s getting really hot in the summer. When I got home, I weighed myself and I was at 72.5. I was so happy. I then ate a banana and oatmeal. Now I weight 73. Sometimes I wonder if the oatmeal is actually working. I can’t really tell. Well, it at least keeps me full at night without becoming too much of a liability. Besides, I usually just lose this overnight.

Well, here’s to eating less and losing more.

[starvation-diary]

Day 4; Morning

I think I’m going to keep making my posts this way, one in the morning and one at night. Although Idk if that'll work when I have classes.

I weighed 72.8kg. Terrible. I’ve gained .4kgs over the weekend. This is what happens when I don’t move much. I need to eat less and move more. Less sweet drinks, I guess.

For breakfast, I just had a fried hotdog and a fried egg. Already feeling a bit full. I also feel like coffee is great for losing weight like it just boosts your metabolism quickly. I’ll have that every day. 

I hope I lose more. I want to get into the 60 range soon.

[starvation-diary]

Day 3; Night

I haven’t been physically active today. Maybe I should be moving more instead of just sleeping in.

I weighed myself just before writing this. 73.2. I’m hoping I could just lose it in the bathroom in the morning. 

All I ate today were my breakfast of one hotdog and 2 chicken nuggets, plus my dinner of chocolate oatmeal with milk. Although, I did have a drink of chocolate milk. Maybe I shouldn’t have done that. 

I had crackers but I literally had one pair left, and I can’t get any more until tomorrow. I’m saving it for tomorrow since I’ll have a job interview for an internship. I’m hoping I get it. 

God, I wish my eating too much won’t severely affect my diet. Once I get headphones, I swear I’ll be moving more every day that I don’t have classes. I swear. No more whole days of not moving anywhere. I’m gonna get off my lazy ass and actually be active.

I hope I don’t have to hate myself more than I already do. 

[starvation-diary]

Day 3; Morning

Did my daily morning weighing and got 72.7kg. Well, that’s not so bad. I’m guessing I ate one too many burgers. But I won’t be doing that again any time soon.

For breakfast, there were hotdogs and chicken nuggets. I was thinking of getting two hotdogs, but then I just got one hotdog and two pieces of nuggets. That surprised me a little bit. I used to always eat 3 during breakfast. I’d always become hungry for it after a while. But now, I ate one and that was the end of it. I was proud of myself. The calorie count is somewhere around 400, so it’s still below my daily limit.

[starvation-diary]

Day 2

I weighed myself in the morning and found that I was still at 72.4. Felt happy. Although, when I woke up, my stomach was hurting. Hunger pangs, maybe? Not entirely sure. Still, I wasn’t going to give in. I decided I wouldn’t eat this morning so I could eat during the movie later that day. And I did. Although I did fall asleep again. Woke up just after 7, took a bath, and went to school for my single 3-hour class, all on an empty stomach. 

Eventually, my stomach stopped hurting. I was still able to follow along with the discussion despite my hunger. Then, the class ended and I went to meet my family at the cinema.

We bought a lot of food to bring. Tons of junk food, but I didn’t eat those. I just had a couple of burgers and a couple of tuna pies. I counted my calories, and they amounted to 900. Well, I guess that’s alright, seeing as how it’s still below 1k. I didn’t drink anything besides water during the movie in hopes that I don’t get a full bladder.

Not much else happened today. Also, recently I haven’t been able to slap myself as hard as I did. I feel weak whenever I try to do so. Either I’ve broken myself or I’m just weak. Either way, I’m already good at controlling my hunger under normal circumstances.

[starvation-diary]

Day 1

I weighed myself this morning around midnight and got 73kg. I was getting hungry so I decided to eat my breakfast then and there. 3 pieces of fried spam. After a while, I went back to sleep. I then woke up around 4am. Weighed myself again and found out I didn’t keep the weight of what I ate. So, I thought to myself, maybe I should eat a little more to have just a bit more energy? 

I was debating with myself for a little while if I should eat or not. After a  while, I decided to eat just one piece. I hope it’s justified.

For the rest of the day, I just ate two packs of crackers, coffee, and coconut juice. I’ve thought that I won’t limit my intake of liquids, as they are the only things keeping me feeling full. Still, I only drink the not-so-sweet ones. 

After a whole day of walking in the harsh sun, I came home and plopped into bed. I woke up after a few hours, weighed myself, and saw that I now weight 72.4kg. I was so happy with this. Though, I still had my oatmeal to eat. Well, I doubt it’s going to change much from that. 

Tomorrow we’ll be watching Endgame. I won’t be eating breakfast so I can eat at the cinema. I know I can get through the morning.