starrfleshh

[starrfleshh]

J'avais peur quand il apparaissait, peur quand il ne se montrait pas, peur quand il me regardait, et plus encore quand il ne me regardait pas

[starrfleshh]

why does everything have an expiry date it is all so cruel

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2010s Tumblr subculture: Pastel Goth

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i wanna know what’s it’s like

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elon musk please kill yourself

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I need a boy to obsess over so bad life is boring

or a boy that I like to be interested in me so i can occupy all my thoughts with guessing wtf does he mean

or him being honest and finally fulfilling my fantasy of creating a partnership with someone i truly like

[starrfleshh]

Just fucking cried my heart out because of a beauty scale that judges attractiveness based on a photo. I do know its stupid and i am aware that caring about my looks this way came from the deep rooted patriarchal view of the world in me.

But how can I be a 4/10??? It just feels like somebody stabbed me, it seems like the answer to why nobody was ever interested in me enough to be with me. I spend so much time and money trying to look good and it still somehow is like this?

I just wish I could have the type of look that people see and think "wow id love to look like this". Or that I could do silly faces on photos with my friends. I always look emotionless on them, being scared of looking bad and I hate it but I dont want to be the "ugly friend". Another thing, I want to have a more expressive face while talking but I dont think I ever will, again because im scared of looking bad or stupid.

And after my whole face got puffy and red from crying I realize that I should be above this, that I should not listen to the man inside my head that makes me feel the need to perform even when im alone. But I truly dont think I ever will. I cant comprehend another way of things being okay than somehow proving to myself that I am pretty and desireable. And then he will walk out of my head and I shall be free. I mean I know that I can never be truly free, he will always be there but id like to hear his approval from time to time.

All that while being aware of the cause of this. Accepting it is one of the hardest things ever but it truly is easier to just sit and lie to myself that its gonna get better eventually than being above this.

I could kill to just have somebody tell me im pretty just like that and not out of pity.

[starrfleshh]

this is the worst summer of all time so far i feel like everyone is deaf to whatever i say

[starrfleshh]

fear of missing out will kill me one day i swear

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accepting the fact that as a person im already somewhat developped and I cant modify aspects of me and my coping mechanisms just like that is probably one of the most difficult things I need to do before im an adult

because even when im telling myself "noo, dont do that why would you do that" and then I automatically do it is so frustrating, and I dont even know where i should dig to find these parts of me

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I need to have a drunk conversation with someone im attracted to

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how to have the same energy as a boy wearing a tank top as a girl I genuinely wanna know

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if you say to yourself "but I cant drop her, shes my best friend" you should drop her because if you have doubts if she values your friendship enough then she doesn't

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oh my god I just want a pretty boyfriend who would look at me and see beauty no one else sees in me, tell me that im beautiful and make me feel good

who trusts me with his emotions and loves me the most in the world and who makes me feel good i've been waiting so long to be emotionally close with a boy and ive never even came close im afraid that I will never experience that

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sometimes when i talk to someone and all they talk about is how loving their partner is i truly feel happy for them but then I always wonder when will i finally stop seeking external validation and feel like collapsing when someone expresses their happy moments when will i finally feel rooted in myself deeply?

where are my roots if not in myself???? where am I floating?? why am I still floating? yes I grow but without roots I cant control the direction I grow in

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I have to believe that loving me is easy and for someone it will be as easy as breathing every day i have to believe