starrfleshh

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I need to be this pretty

ANNA KARENINA (2012) dir. Joe Wright.

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I have one year left and then I dont know

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why is it that as soon as someone starts liking me back, i immediately get the ick? LIKE i’ll be obsessed, scheming to make them notice me, but the second they do, it’s over. game ruined. is this a fear of intimacy, a validation addiction, or just me being allergic to effort??? someone tell me what’s wrong with me because this cycle is exhausting (but also kinda fun)

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me bc im 17 soon

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why are all boys my age racist and stupid i hate this so much

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i can be the happiest person alive if ill tell myself enough affirmations and listen to enough hours of frequency music

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universe never replies

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J'avais peur quand il apparaissait, peur quand il ne se montrait pas, peur quand il me regardait, et plus encore quand il ne me regardait pas

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why does everything have an expiry date it is all so cruel

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2010s Tumblr subculture: Pastel Goth

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i wanna know what’s it’s like

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Just fucking cried my heart out because of a beauty scale that judges attractiveness based on a photo. I do know its stupid and i am aware that caring about my looks this way came from the deep rooted patriarchal view of the world in me.

But how can I be a 4/10??? It just feels like somebody stabbed me, it seems like the answer to why nobody was ever interested in me enough to be with me. I spend so much time and money trying to look good and it still somehow is like this?

I just wish I could have the type of look that people see and think "wow id love to look like this". Or that I could do silly faces on photos with my friends. I always look emotionless on them, being scared of looking bad and I hate it but I dont want to be the "ugly friend". Another thing, I want to have a more expressive face while talking but I dont think I ever will, again because im scared of looking bad or stupid.

And after my whole face got puffy and red from crying I realize that I should be above this, that I should not listen to the man inside my head that makes me feel the need to perform even when im alone. But I truly dont think I ever will. I cant comprehend another way of things being okay than somehow proving to myself that I am pretty and desireable. And then he will walk out of my head and I shall be free. I mean I know that I can never be truly free, he will always be there but id like to hear his approval from time to time.

All that while being aware of the cause of this. Accepting it is one of the hardest things ever but it truly is easier to just sit and lie to myself that its gonna get better eventually than being above this.

I could kill to just have somebody tell me im pretty just like that and not out of pity.

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this is the worst summer of all time so far i feel like everyone is deaf to whatever i say

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fear of missing out will kill me one day i swear

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accepting the fact that as a person im already somewhat developped and I cant modify aspects of me and my coping mechanisms just like that is probably one of the most difficult things I need to do before im an adult

because even when im telling myself "noo, dont do that why would you do that" and then I automatically do it is so frustrating, and I dont even know where i should dig to find these parts of me

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I need to have a drunk conversation with someone im attracted to