stalkingscriv-blog

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11-1-15

Lets talk about moving on. I’ve never been in a relationship seriously enough that things were at the other persons house or I even cried when it just kinda muddled out. That’s a word muddled, right? Moving on with people I don’t like has always been pretty easy too. It is a pretty simple equation of I don’t like you, I don’t talk to you. I’m not mean or vindictive. But if it actually gets to the point where I do not like someone, I just live my life like they’re not there. It’s simple, requires no effort on my part and doesn’t make my life bitter. Oprah taught me this. Oprah is the answer. Now moving. That is something that I have thought about for the past year. It’s an interesting and slightly depressing activity to sit alone in your room and look at all of your things. How messy the state of your things currently are. Things you have collected. And to then know that nobody will know what your room normally looks like. The place you spend every night, the nights you’ve cried, laughed, binged Netflix, where you put your crap down when you get home. It’s yours. And when that day does come to pack up the boxes, all of your memories are carried with them to the next. The person who will take up residency in your old space won’t think about what you use to do there. What the walls hold for you. I am probably being over dramatic and overthinking this. But it is all true if you think about it. Even Van Gogh painted pictures of the rooms he occupied so others would know where he spent his time. Maybe I’m just not to that point of looking to the future of not just a new room but a new city. There is something very sad about leaving a place where you spend three years of your life making friends, learning streets, missing your family, not wanting to be there but also not wanting to leave. To feel oddly stuck. Nobody will care when you leave. The world does indeed go on. And I can’t pinpoint what makes this so sad to me. But there is indeed something. Perhaps I’ve been listening to Adele too much. Till next time. 

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10-14-15

How would you be different if you looked different? We all have in our heads what makes the perfect person and physical traits that we don’t find attractive. So honestly, how would you change if you could switch into those two categories? Would you still think the same way about certain things? Does beauty really change how the world treats us? Are we any happier? 

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9-27-15

I live away from my parents, family, close friends that I grew up with. By choice. By city choice more accurately. But I constantly battle being closer to them or exploring more of the world. We all have a limited number of days that we get to spend on Earth and I don’t know if I’ll ever find the right balance of what is right. Do you spend those days with the people you love? Do you spend those days exploring the world around you? Everyday that your not with your (insert person you care for name) is day that you’ll never get back. I’ve been gone from my hometown for 3 years now and that is three years with my parents that I have predominately missed. It has been three years of only seeing them a couple days at a time, a couple of months a year. There are phone calls and facetime and texts and social media. But I think we all know that it doesn’t actually compare to being with them. A constant debate that I am nowhere close to figuring out what the right balance is. See what life has to offer is a plate of a whole lotta good food and sometimes you find a couple of stinkers. But we are also born into this world with a set of social norms that aren’t right and they aren’t wrong. Its just that. The normal. We are born and then we die. Anything in between is completely up to us for what we want to do. It doesn’t have to fall into what is relative to our society. I’m finding you also can’t wait to do something. Time goes fast. And waiting till your older sneaks up on you and I don’t know how to achieve the things that I want sometimes. Or most of the time. I don’t think that is something most people talk about. They talk about what they do, what they have, where they are going. But I think maybe talking about what we are scared to do is more interesting and human. Being vulnerable is beautiful and one of the strongest traits a person can have to me. I struggle with that. So here to to my progress of taking that leap of faith. Till next time. 

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9-21-15

There is a song called Breathe by Anna Nalick. I have loved it since I was little but the words in it are so simply accurate that it still wins me over today. One of the lines is “If I get it all down on paper, it’s no longer inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to” That’s how I feel about this. Tumblr. This blog that is out there and it’s like a weird diary for the world. I could really reference the entire song but that would be silly. You should just listen to it. It came out around the same time as Dunna Na Na Na. And I need you. Dunna Na NA Na. And I miss you. Dunna Na Na Na. And now I wonder. Also know as 1000 miles. Has the same feel. Which is I’mma get stuck in your head until the day you die. In a good way. Other than that thought though, today has been pretty uneventful. I don’t even know the right word to describe my feelings. Just kinda bland. From feelings to events. I’ll leave you with that. Till next time. 

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8-26-15

Choices are an interesting thing that I think could probably make you go insane. It is a waste of time and energy to think about if you would have chose a different choice then you would be somewhere completely different or you would have different friends or maybe it is something as little as you wouldn’t have ever owned that one pair of shoes. I always tell my friends that if they are hanging out with someone and that person is being shitty to them for whatever reason you would like to insert here to just not include them in your life. Why hangout with someone by choice if they are going to make you feel bad about yourself? With that being said I do it too. Know that if another option comes up they will inevitably dump you for that without a second thought. You never know if they talk shit behind your back. They don’t invite you to things. They make you question yourself in not a good way. And yet, ya, I still choose to have some of those people in my life. I don’t know why at all. It makes no since. So here I sit. A little bit bummed for being dumped basically by a friend for one she prefers more. At the beginning of the summer I was so sure that I would move to a different city just because I wasn’t excited to live in the one I am in anymore. Not that there is anything wrong with it. And to be so unsure and then have a resolve of doing something just to let it change again makes you wonder what should you have done. Doubt. I am doubting. I chose to stay and enrolled in a couple of classes that I had always wanted to take just to have a phone call this morning for some awesome opportunities and guess what? A decision I make last week now kills off new opportunities that I much rather would have preferred. So more doubt that I made the right decision. But is there such a thing as a wrong and a right choice? Life goes on with either option and it is what it is. 

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7-23-14

I live in Nashville. I have for three years now. I love it. But I’m not sure what kind of love I have for it. I’ve been pretty much gone for the past two months. I think I’ve spent a total of two weeks here in those two months. Talk about sad me for paying rent to a empty house. But really. When is it time to move on to another city? I have some great friends here, the city itself is growing at a astonishing rate, i know all of the roads in my neighborhood and can manage through most of the town. Not to mention that I know the happy hours here like you wouldn’t believe. But in all honesty, I think I missed it here once last month and that was because I packed for a four day trip to the beach and didn’t return home for five weeks. I wasn’t even the slightest prepared. Nashville is my home because it’s the first place that I ever moved to on my own and started from scratch pretty much. It’s the place where I keep all my belongings. I worked to make friends and build my way through the working world. But with that being said, I don’t know if I am excited to live here. There are so many people that move here for a dream and pursue something that is so hard because like most things, nobody is going to give it to you. And I don’t know what my dream is. But I am surrounded by people that know at least the ballpark of what they are after. Not sure how this applies to when I know if it’s time to move on or not. But just an after thought. I don’t know what I am doing here. 

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This is a face from a video of me getting a cherry out of my glass in the most lady like way. Also a Carol and a Sangria. 

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5-30-15

It’s been an interesting day. Not in the way that crazy things happened but I am writing this from a hotel in a dress I went to a funeral in 12 hours ago. My old boss and partners dad passed this past weekend and even though I normally stray away from all funerals and weddings, I went to this one. I wasn’t bad if you could say that in a way of gathering to remember the loss of a loved one but it did make me think about how I would do funerals differently and think I stuck a mental foot in my mouth because it was a funeral of a loved ones parent and I honestly don’t know what I would do without the foundation of mine. After that though my roommates and friends wanted to do lunch so I met them straight out for that. 2 for 1 Saturdays are pretty great. We went from the lunch spot to the bar next door and played darts and drank more. I won. I also hit my beer with a dart and broke the glass. It was still drinkable. Dart in the glass excluding. If I die tomorrow, you’ll know why. I was fed a cherry that I didn’t want it was just kind of shoved in my face and I fed a cherry to someone else while out too. Classy ladies I tell ya. A topic from yesterday though. I may or may not have (definitely did) illegally download the kindle version of 50 shades of grey. I have the physical books but they were in a different state at the time. I read them. I liked them. I am not shameful about liking them. I stumbled across the physical copy of the last book yesterday. They were different! Not hugely different. But just enough like how she ends her emails and what baseballs teams are playing when her dad Ray is talking differing from what I can tell. But that is just it. From the 4 pages that I skimmed through and saw just that stuff. What else is different. I am annoyed by it. Not pissed because that would be a bit over the top but definitely annoyed. Why are they different? And why would just certain word choices be different? I have no idea. But I am fixing (how southern of a word choice for me) to go back through and read the actual physical book copies. I need to know the differences. With that I will leave you. Till next time.

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Why is it so hard to vocally say what you are thinking? I think about things all the time and don’t generally get emotional about them but as soon as they are spoken aloud it takes it to a whole other ball game.

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Auron! 

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4-26-15

Current Status: Writing an Ode to a city that you love but you know its time is coming to a close to open up to a new experience. To be continued once I hopefully find how to say it right. 

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3-13-15

Today I decided that it was indeed time to call and make an appointment to get my hair cut. It has been four, going on five months. And that is a long time for a girl who had a pretty short bob to start out with. I generally want it cut every four to six weeks with it being that short. I don’t know what happened. I still don’t know if I should just keep letting it grow or chop it shorter again. I can pull it up in a bun now though and I missed that. It really is the little things. Yesterday I ate an entire package of turkey bacon. Today I had a bowl of pepperonis. Like when you were a kid and it was acceptable to just eat the pepperonis that came in the package. Put those little spicy round nuggets in the microwave and bam. Best snack ever. I seriously need to start doing some for of exercise since majority of my day is spend sitting on a couch at work and then I come home and do pretty much the same. Or start eating alot healthier. We are getting pudgy over here. I wonder why. Exercise is always a word that I spell wrong, by the way. I don’t know why but that and surprise. They get me every time. Till tomorrow. 

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3-12-15

I am notorious for putting everything off until the last minute. Every single freaking time. So yesterday I left work at 1. I had a list of things that needed to be done. Not oh, I should do these things. No. Needed. Like I was suppose to have them done and sent off at the end of February. You know what I did instead? I was so shocked at what it was like to be at my house on a Thursday afternoon I cooked an entire package of turkey bacon and sad on my couch and ate it. Read a book too. Then I went to my friend Colemans house and we ate ice cream out of the tub. Then macaroni and cheese with a good IPA beer while I discussed the differences in women in a Playboy magazine and we watched Friends. I have a strange relationship with him. He was my old boss that I treat like a girlfriend but it is like we are past the honeymoon stage of a relationship but I am also a bro that has been invited with the other bros to go out to a strip club. Mind you, I am the only girl. They don’t even call me by my first name. I am just Scrivener, or some form of that. So that was my night. Till tomorrow.  

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3-11-15

I don’t generally take naps. Ever. Today I took a three hour nap. Whoops. And it wasn’t even at my house or on my couch or in my car which is where I prefer to take a nap if I do take a nap. Did the usual. Went to work, drank a pot of coffee, ate a sandwich. But here is the kicker. I suddenly felt overly sad and I wrote a novel of lyrics that apparently I was feeling. I don’t know where it came from but Dave Matthews Band was crooning in the background and I was overtly sad. So there’s that. I feel like it is oversharing but this is my damn diary of day to day activity. I made a salad for dinner. I went and returned something at the mall. I stopped by and saw Cole, Dave, and a couple of other people at a store. It was weird. I was a merchandiser for the company for two years and it feels like such a stranger to me now in such a short amount of time. I don’t miss it at all but it is weird how fast something like that can change. Till tomorrow. 

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3-10-15

A month and a day later. It feels like it has been so much longer since I fell off the wagon of keeping up with writing. Rob Morrow would be disappointed. Hell, I am disappointed. Being home kind of wraps me up in a warm blanket where I forget about what I should be doing and I just enjoy my family, friends and have my pup to snuggle up next too. I also end majority of the nights with a shake or ice cream with my dad. That is being home. The downside of it is, I really don't remember what I did in that months time. I read 50 shades of grey, and went and saw the movie in the same night I finished the last book by myself because it was 6:40 and one started at 7:20 and I have no patience so I went by myself. And ya know what. I loved the books and the movie wasn't bad either. It wasn't great. But I did enjoy the books. Sue me. I liked Twilight too. And they are based of the same story line. I started my new job. I am a nanny to a four month old. Talk about easy. Although I think I might be going deff after the child cries/screams for whatever reason. Generally it's when she is tired right before a nap. Right before she eats, and as soon as she finishes. I just look at her and tell her, I know homegirl. That's how I feel when I get done with my food too. She gives no fucks. But she is adorable. Great temp job. My parents came to Nashville last weekend and that was great. My dad and I made a quiche and my mom bought me a nice coat. Thank you parents. I have been kicking some serious ass in Candy Crush. So that is good to note to anyone who thought I might have been cool. I have had girls nights, hung out with boys, hung out with MY boys. Because there is a definite difference. Back to the unsureity of what I want to do. I get asked that question all the time. What do you want Lindsey? I have no idea people. But let me tell you, I soul search a lot for that answer and I am no closer to figuring it out that I was three months ago or three years ago. It isn't exactly the best feeling in the world. I know people say that nobody knows what they are doing but most people seem to have some kind of idea or goal they are working towards. I am over here just going from city to city because I think I am looking for something that I can't find. I made the realization that I surround myself with successful people. I seek out what I want to be and I have no idea what I am doing. I wonder if people think I am doing something because I know so many people with their shit together or if it really makes me standout because I have no clue what to do. Slightly heartbreaking to want so many things but not really know. Maybe I should be an actor. It would let me live all those fantasies out without having to commit to one of them. I'll think about that. On a lighter note I started The Following and have all but two episodes left on Netflix of it. Talk about intense. I think the pilot episode is the most AGH. CAN'T. WATCH. Episode, although I might get disagreed with. It is my thought. I but my bed frame finally that I got for my birthday. It is white linen and the tools/nails to but it together were greasy. Talk about being nervous. Must not get dirty. Must not get dirty. I have hardly worn makeup this year comparatively. I nanny. I see a four month old. She could care less and I like what I look like without it and I think it is nice to be able to go bare face so often. I don't think it has helped my complexion any but hey, you can't win them all. I tried to start drinking more water. I kinda am but I don't actually know if I am if that makes any sense (notably takes a drink). I am now the owner of some flashy new Sam Edleman's and over the knee black leather boots. Because I needed them in my life. Talk about feeling like a woman. Shania announce another tour too! Yay! I totally thought I was her when I was little. She probably had a lot to do with my little woman attidue. "Lindsey Dianna, you are so cute" Me. I know... What every four year old should say. 

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2-9-15

Yesterday was best friend day. Today was hang out with awesome aunt and uncle day. It says a lot that when I was in high school I would skip my morning class because there was this weird kid that didn't get the hint that I just wanted to work of my tree sketches and I have earphones in and I haven't responded to the last 10 questions that you asked but please keep talking to me anyways kid. That is harsh. But I really just wanted to zone out and focus on what I was doing. So I would skip that class if I was going to be tardy and go to my aunt and uncles house and hang out until my second class started. Where do you go when you skip? Your aunts. Because she is awesome. I finished a book by Mary Higgins Clark today too. It was called You Belong To Me. Not my favorite book in the world and definetly different from how she normally writes but I didn't hate it and I did finish it in three days so I guess it really isn't that bad. I would not, not reccomend it to somebody. She is just a safe zone for murder mystery thrillers though. She has written better though. Probably I just prefer her other formats of books. Till tomorrow.