st4rzandsug4rr

[st4rzandsug4rr]

I literally just finished my GCSE options exams (the exams that determine which GCSE'S you can pick) about 1 hour ago and i feel conflicted. The stress, the burnout, the self hatred, and more were all for, that. That's it. Everything I've spent learning since September all for that. I dont feel like it was enough. All the pain, my 34t1ng d1s0rd3r reaching it's peak so far, (it's still peaking) and su1c1d4l thoughts all for such a disappointment. I dont know what i was expecting or wanted, but i feel so unfulfilled. I went through so much distress all to write and draw on some paper with spelling errors. And those very same stupid ass papers are what determine what i do with my life for a couple of years. I just hate it. I dont know what it even is, but i hate it. This feeling of disappointment is one of the worst things I've encountered in my short lifespan. I just want to feel more. Something new and exciting. Something that will make me forget about my issues for a while. But also something that'll last. Something that will be there for me when i need it. Something to love , but will also love me back. Or maybe it's someone. More than a school friend. A companion. Someone to love. Someone to spend my energy on. Someone to spill my guts to. Someone who'll want to spend time with me. Someone who will make me feel worthy. Someone who'll tell me the truth. Someone who i believe. Someone i never doubt. Someone to fill the void. Im not asking for the world. I just want to feel alive. I want to experience love at first sight. It doesn't need to be romantic. Just someone who feel the same butterflies when we look at each other. Someone i wont have to compete with others for. Someone who GIVES me their attention. I've spent my whole life fighting to be seen, heard, and noticed. Everyone I've ever loved never gave me the attention and care i gave them. Ever. I dont want to be jealous of others anymore. I dont want to compete for the bare minimum. I dont want short term highs and rushes of excitement that fade in minutes. I dont want the embarrassment anymore. I dont want to cringe when thinking of myself. I want more. I want something better. I need it. I cant live like this anymore. I dont feel alive anymore.

[st4rzandsug4rr]

Im literally so damn exhausted and its only day 2 back at school. Idk what to call it but i had a full on break down in the morning because my dad woke me up later than desired meaning i had to rush everything to get my train also meaning i got extremely overwhelmed also meaning i broke down. Then lets add on my cousins exposing my 4n4 to my mom and now she's a fucking helicopter watching me 24/7 which resulted in the worst like idk but now im so stressed that i cant sleep now and i cant focus because all my energy is focused on trying not to cry every time she berates and shames me for mt body dysmorphia AND trying to minimize/hide my d1sorderd 34t1ng with a fucking target on my diet and everything i do. Im not okay like not okay at all. Even my friends are basically ignoring me which makes all of my issues WORSE LIKE OH MY GOD I HATE THIS

[st4rzandsug4rr]

I just realised that the entire reason i even got to 100 posts on my main is because i use this app as a friend and therapist. I have no one to actually talk to like that so i just end up venting here. No one ever asks if im okay, no one ever checks up on me. Im always checking on others, im always there when i can be, i try my best to cheer others up and help them in any way i can. But they never return the favor. And if they do they dont try nearly as hard as i do. I just want to be liked. I just wish that people would try like i do. But im just not pretty enough, smart or stupid enough, popular or unpopular enough, im never enough of anything. I dont know what to do anymore. Maybe i should just overdose on every pill in my house when everyone's sleeping, but i for some reason stay alive in the hope that something will work out, things will get better, and a miracle will happen. But never am i deserving enough.

[st4rzandsug4rr]

The way that im slowly starting to hate even my favourite classes due to the people in there, days are starting to feel the same, relationships are falling apart, mental health is back at an all time low, motivation is fading away more and more everyday, my body dysmorphia is at the highest it's ever been, and i dont even know/understand what i look like anymore. I definetly love being me and definetly dont want to rot in my room till i die of starvation :)

[st4rzandsug4rr]

I know that I'll sound so pathetic with this and i know that ppl will probably think im a pick me or something but i just dont know so i wanna talk about it.

Why do boys hate me? Like genuinely speaking boys treat me like actual human trash unironically. I dont even have to know them to be treated horribly for no reason at all. I know that im no supermodel, and i know that im not popular or desirable to be honest. But they treat me so awfully just for existing. Idk bruh it's just awful seeing other girls be treated atleast like humans and then boys literally throw shit at me, call me slurs, act creepy/perverted, mock me, hit, kick, punch, push, grab my hair, touch my ass+other inappropriate areas, and other forms of various assaults. Dont even get me started on the mental gymnastics they put me through. All because i exist :(

[st4rzandsug4rr]

°☆☆Weekly yapping☆☆°

So i just wanted to yap about the good things in my life for once so know that me being happy is a damn miracle. But anyway on to the good news :)

YA GIRLL HAS FRIENDSSS OMG I KNOW RIGHT!?!?!?!? yep you read that correctly i have a really nice really cool girl as my friend now aren't i a lucky b1tch😝 i luvv her so much and today we took the bus together and spent literally the entire time talking and making each other laugh. She's actually a queen i love her like she's one of the only people i literally adore she's perfect.

Alssssooooo, (like its not literally all i talk about on my main) moving schools!😜 like my parents are actually trying bro i love this i love being happy aaaa<3

Also why are the best days cloudy cold ones? Like every best day of my life has been a cold, cloudy white-sky day. I look and feel my best with such weather like ughhh i love this. Plus now I've started wearing my school scarf and why do i feel soo much prettier w it? I swear wearing it makes me look so good slay

[st4rzandsug4rr]

Screaming crying flying drowning i have a bestie now

[st4rzandsug4rr]

Always being alone and fighting the intense urge to cry and scream is not how i expected to spend my teens :(

Like im just not excited to wake up anymore. Last night i literally cried after looking in the mirror. Idk bruh. Never did.

[st4rzandsug4rr]

Actively rotting<<<<<<

[st4rzandsug4rr]

Stats and goals im forcing myself to reach so that i dont go insane<3☆

Body: skinny icon, defined bones, sharp lines, corset wa1st, wide but dainty hips, small, perfect, bony upper body, defined flat stomach, wide thingh gap, long supermodel legs, perfection incarnate.

Hair: long, thick, black 2c/3a curls, shiny, and fluffy.

Face: thin lightly arched eyebrows, big dark doe eyes, long black full lashes, freckles, small ski slope pixie nose, plump pink soft lips, defined, perfect feminine jaw, cute high cheekbones.

Extras: hyper flexible and athletic, amazing ballerina + figure skater, aesthetic princess look, like the type of dainty feminine beauty you admire and dream of all the time, and envied by EVERYONE. I want people to DREAM about me, want to BE me and with me. I want to be PERFECT. I NEED to be.

little gif cuz its cute🤍 :)))

[st4rzandsug4rr]

"Things get better!"

No they fucking don't

[st4rzandsug4rr]

Why am i so socially invisible?

[st4rzandsug4rr]

Having no friends in your class<<<<

[st4rzandsug4rr]

When ppl in your class only talk to you if they need something<<<<<

[st4rzandsug4rr]

I have this teacher at school who I've always disliked and found strange, like he was up to no good. He always stares at me on the bus, when im walking by, makes sly comments about me, and just creeps me tf out. Dont get me started on how he says we're his favourite year group (im in yr 9) and that my bestie is his "favourite". DOES THAT NOT SOUND PREDATORY AS SHIT?! IDK BUT WHY ARE SO MANY OF THE BOYS AND MEN AT MY SCHOOL FUCKING WEIRDO-FUTURE SEX OFFENDERS???

What scares me the most though is how do others not see it? I've been told im paranoid, delusional, cant take a joke, and more. But idk man. Something just doesn't feel right :/

[st4rzandsug4rr]

I hate how im "friends" with some girls that i really really admire but we rarely talk and if we do its only ever on snap... like if only they knew how big the friendship crush is bcuz i really want to be friends with them but my social anxiety makes socializing impossible :(

Like why are we besties through a screen but strangers irl? shit hurts