ssa-minaminds

[ssa-minaminds]

i started my new medication and it made me feel really weird and my mind is full panic mode and I don't like it :(

i took the tablet at 6-7pm

I was okay at first i just felt a little loopy

then a few hours passed and i felt fine so i tried to sleep

it was very restless and i honestly don't remember much of it now

but i started feeling weird around 12 hours after i took it so idk if this is just me being ill beforehand and the timing making me panic or what

i felt like i was trembling but i wasn't (mainly in my jaw? which has since actually started to tremble), i feel nauseous, i still feel a little dizzy, and I'm super thirsty but when i drink water i feel like I'm going to throw up, and at some point my tongue started to tingle and I can't tell if thats gone yet.

is this worrying? should i do anything? should i stop taking the medication? because i really don't like this I'm so worried and feel so so ill i hate it

i know i should give it time but i really don't like feeling this way...

[ssa-minaminds]

"what if my amount of pain is normal and everyone else is experiencing this too and im just being dramatic"

and i haven't been able to get out of bed for the past 2 days

Uh-oh, coming down with a case of “what-if-a-bunch-of-other-people-experience-these-symptoms-as-bad-as-I-do-but-they-suck-it-up-and-work-anyway-and-I’m-just-being-a-little-bitch”-itis

[ssa-minaminds]

me: maybe i am not chronically ill, maybe people are right and i just need to push harder and stop being lazy

me going through a massive flare: fucking hell

[ssa-minaminds]

diagnosis/progress update

i haven't been diagnosed with anything yet, all my bloods came back fine

I'm being referred to a specialist, a rheumatologist, but it may take a while to get an appointment

two doctors now have said it sounds like fibromyalgia and they think i could have it

but we're still in the process of ruling everything else out

I've been prescribed a new antidepressant that could help fibro pain, so hopefully they do something?

but yeah 👍 going good i think

I'm also in a reaaaally bad flare up today 🤕🤕

[ssa-minaminds]

reblogging from here too because it's more of a here topic now

but i really do want a baby so bad and It's hitting me that i need to come to terms with not having one because of various things (mainly health reasons)

I've been looking at those reborn dolls too because just holding it or having something to be like... idk to look after? but not really?

Idk, I'm so embarrassed to say it because like i know a lot of people look at them weirdly, but i just think it would be so therapeutic, and i saw that people get them just to like give them something to look after idk

they're just so expensive and my mother would never let me buy one even tho its my own money 🥲

it's hitting so hard tonight idk why... i just want a baby :(

was talking to my friend about how I've had really bad baby fever recently

and I've been writing and reading all of these mom!reader fics, joked about how idk which came first and/or influenced the other, etc, and on the down low I've been researching a lot about pregnancy and newborn care both for writing purposes and just out of curiosity,

and she knows that I'm like- not infertile completely but it'd be hard for me to conceive, plus my health conditions on top of that idk if it's just like- the smartest thing? like I've talked to her about it before,

and she asked, or like said "could you be living vicariously through the characters you write and/or read? because you might not get that and you want to know how it feels?" (not those exact words but like that was the general idea)

and my mind was blown like

wait- omg? OMG? like I'd never thought of it that way before or even thought to connect the two but like- that makes sense?? like i want a baby so bad, I'm definitely not in the place to have one rn whether I'm able to or not, but the thought that i can't is upsetting sometimes... and writing these I feel so genuinely happy for the characters and the reader and like, idk if it's weird to cry or feel emotional about fics but i do and like...

idk 😔

i don't wanna get sad on here or anything i just thought it was interesting 🤷

[ssa-minaminds]

listen the fact is that a lot of poor people ARE bad with money. i have terrible impulse control around spending 5 dollars here and 10 dollars there and i know so many people around me who have this problem too. but its not "this persons bad with money, so theyre poor"; its "this persons poor, so theyre bad with money". i dont know when i'll be able to get a little treat or eat out or buy myself something that will make me happy again so i have to do it now. idon't know when i'll afford food again so i have to buy it now. i don't feel confident in the fact i'll ever have the cushioning to genuinely enjoy expendable income, so instead of saving and hoping (only to have my savings routinely wiped out for moving, or medical costs, or a car accident), i spend it now so i can enjoy life now.

i think if you see poor people ebegging constantly but two days ago saw them posting about a fancy coffee and a pastry, you need to stop viewing "spending a few dollars you maybe shouldnt" as something that requires the Punishment of "can't pay the fucking bills". some of us, just like, need to feel like we have some kind of normalcy in our lives because being poor fucking sucks

[ssa-minaminds]

ex-situationship just told me they got into a relationship whilst still friendly flirting with me

I'm in so much emotional pain rn idk what to do anymore hahahahaha...

can't go out and meet people because i can't work, study, basically leave the house whenever i went, can't make online relationships work

I'm so tired, i just want to be happy with someone why am i always left for someone else...

i know that people say if you're not happy not in a relationship, being in one won't make your happier, but it's not that

it's that I've been so close to relationships, I've been lead to believe that these people like me and want me, just for them to leave without even saying anything

I'm so sad

i just want someone to love me as much as i love them...

[ssa-minaminds]

vent about everything being wrong when im chronically ill and just trying to sleep

trying to actually get a good night's sleep but my sister's tv down the hall is on so loud that i can hear it over: my white noise machine, my fan, and the tv literally in my room

she's fast asleep btw

plus I'm in pain, it's hot, I'm uncomfortable

truly sensory overload rn like just everything is making my skin crawl and i just want to sleep so i can get better, yk, like the doctor told me, like I'm supposed to

I'd bring it up to her but she'd only complain

"i can't hear it now tho"

when she literally watches it for like 10 mins before she falls asleep

so I'll bring it up to my mum and maybe she'll do something about it but she also has her tv like max volume that I can hear it and she's on a different floor

i need noise to sleep but i like literally cannot deal with noise that i didn't willingly turn on or that i can't stop, ykwim?

I'm just so tired of trying to help myself, but things I can't control getting in my way

[ssa-minaminds]

i left the house without my cane today and my back hurts so baddd now :(

like I don't realise how much it really helps until I don't use it

but good news! i got my first uc paycheck today, so hopefully i can buy a new one soon that doesn't hurt my hand :)

[ssa-minaminds]

I'm still gonna use this main blog to talk about my experience with chronic illness & mental health,

but my writing blog (side blog) is @ssa-writerminds !! (18+ MDNI)

so if you're a writer and see me interacting with this blog, that's why

[ssa-minaminds]

i did it 😋 impulsivity for the win ‼️

i might change the looks of this blog because i really kinda want to make all of my blogs criminal minds themed even though i started this blog out as a mental health/chronic illness journey blog

idk what to do 😔

[ssa-minaminds]

i might change the looks of this blog because i really kinda want to make all of my blogs criminal minds themed even though i started this blog out as a mental health/chronic illness journey blog

idk what to do 😔

[ssa-minaminds]

i fr be like

"ugh why am i laying in bed all day I'm so lazy"

when I'm literally struggling to hold my arms up rn nvm doing anything important

[ssa-minaminds]

i should wake up and automatically be restored to full health, that's how sleeping should work, what is this horseshit

[ssa-minaminds]

bring back tumblr ask culture let me. bother you with questions and statements

[ssa-minaminds]

it honestly makes me feel so weird when this happen because there's constantly people in the community and with chronic illnesses in general who are struggling to get appointments or diagnoses for various things, be it consultations or specialists, and i feel so guilty if/when i manage to get one pretty quickly in comparison

it's that sort of thing where my brain says "oh, these people are worse off than you, and look at you taking up the appointments and getting your diagnosis how dare you, you're not that sick 🙄🙄" but like i am that sick hence the testing and the diagnoses and so I'm so grateful that I am in a place where I can get appointments and tests and diagnoses because i know others struggle

"Yes, this specialist (that took 5 months to get into as a new patient) has an appointment next week" is an ominous as fuck sentence 🥲 why are we rushing? Why am I suddenly allowed next week levels of urgent appointments? Am I going to get into neurosurgery this fast? I'm used to appointments moving at a glacial pace what is happening here. This makes me more nervous than the spinal tap did, I'll be honest

[ssa-minaminds]

I may have overreacted a little, my emotions are all over the place atm, but it's not as bad as i thought originally and they are actually trying to help me rather than just doing a blood test to say "we don't know so we can't help you."

but they clarified that they're ruling out other things such as arthritis, lupus, other ctd's, before they can diagnose me with Fibromyalgia. I was under the impression that I already had my diagnosis, I don't know how this was messed up?? I'm sorry for anyone who's like idk keeping up with me specifically because i posted about Fibro, but i was genuinely under the impression that that is what i had </3 (especially since we were treating for it so idk)

my symptoms and struggles are still very real, i just don't know what's causing them anymore 🥲

again I'm sorry if i offend or upset anyone by having used the fibro hashtag and describing my experiences/symptoms as fibro

I just spoke to the doctor (well, my mom did for me) and I checked my notes after...

1. they want to test me for arthritis, 2. said that fibromyalgia isn't a safe diagnosis due to my age (?), and 3. they put in my notes that I'm morbidly obese...

1. I've explained in the past why I don't think it's arthritis and even doctors have told me they don't think it's arthritis. Yes, I have the symptoms of it, but they overlap with fibromyalgia, which i have every single symptom of, and i mean every single one down to the details. Even speaking to people online with fibro, I've seen so many similarities in our experiences that I don't know how it can't be? My grandmother has arthritis and our experiences are not the same which, i know not everyone's illnesses/disabilities are the same but in comparison to how many people's experiences I've read about with the two, i relate to fibro a lot more??? idk if I've explained this right.

2. What does that even mean? "not a safe diagnosis"... ??? Genuine if anyone can explain this to me, please do because I'm genuinely so confused by this, like the doctor i spoke to who GAVE me the diagnosis was fine doing so, she did all the tests, talked to me about my pain multiple times and said she thought it sounds like it is fibromyalgia.

3. I'm not morbidly obese??? I'll admit that yes, I am on the heavier side, I have eating problems because of it so do not worry i am very very aware of it. But that's so??? This just triggered me so bad like... I was and am full on sobbing, just... I'm not morbidly obese???

I don't know if I'm just overreacting because of the last thing but I'm just so upset and stressed and i didn't get a lot of sleep last night. I have another appointment at the job center today that's like an hour before the doctor's appointment and my mum booked the drs for me even though she knew i had an appointment and I'm just... I only woke up like an hour ago to my mum telling me they think i have arthritis and have basically gone against everything they've been telling me for months and idk what to do I'm so upset...