spokespeaksspeccs

[spokespeaksspeccs]

It’s not often but occasionally, more frequently now, I feel this twinge of regret mixed with confusion? And a thought, I miss having friends, and usually it oasses quicker than a thought more emerges but recently I’ts been lasting long enough to remember memories and see groups of friends and feel nostalgia of what used to be in my life, but in the same thought there is the knowledge that it’s either not the right time, or not really me, because in all honesty I’ts hard even being around others, just simply being. A viscious spiral that entrails nostalgia, nothing new but also surpirsing in the nature of how it arises, and how long it lasts. What walls it cracks it cracks on the way out.

-Oona

[spokespeaksspeccs]

I know i’ll be okay?

[spokespeaksspeccs]

I got a biopsy on my neck today at 2pm and it really hurts RIGHT NOW, is that normal? (It’s currently 11:36pm) It was a needle biopsy, but turning my head or touching it really hurts, also absolutely everything about that appointment was scary and triggering, but the doctor was really nice and sweet.

[spokespeaksspeccs]

Also grieving Neo merging with Maji.

This will take time

I can’t rush what’s unfolding and growing

Even if it hurts

It’s needed to happen

I had to know

*goosebumps*

I had to know it all

Even if I didn’t wanna

I still don’t

But I have a therapist

Andre helped me get her

I’m very scared

I don’t know where or who I am

Andrea and Maji says it’ll be okay

But Specc keeps saying super scary things

[spokespeaksspeccs]

I heard a quote at a conference “when we started being able to function as a system we stopped being able to function in the real world” and that really stuck because genuinely, that’s what it feels like, also a huge trigger for our sober parts to be questioned if we’re on drugs and look like we are, we aren’t. Not anymore. 3 years. -Andrea, Maji

[spokespeaksspeccs]

Growing up in pain silently then going into the world thinking the toxicity was normal, only to be slapped in the face beaten the fuck down and mentally unable to cope with change, it’s not their fault, they contributed, but you’re not a kid anymore and their not legally your guardian anymore, the love seemed to fade as soon as I moved out, as if the unconditional love always had an end date that I didn’t know about. And now i feel like I’m crazy for wanting to be a kid again, I never felt like I was to begin with,

And now I can’t be,

It’s too late.

[spokespeaksspeccs]

this is truly what it feels like

i'm sorry I hid behind my truths

behind my knowledge

that I portrayed what I said without holding it close to myself,

I grew the bone wrong

-unconsciously conscious mind body and soul,

I lost my directional way-

the ability to breath the fresh air,

unaware of the seasons and how beautifully they change

consumed in the space between

-clean air and going blind

breathing and opening my eyes,

shouldn't have to choose between breathing and feeling

-from bonding than growing

-from learning and loving

-from healing and changing,

this is truly what it feels like-

bound like an old book,

with their marbled faces and sewn in core-

old glue torn by every page turned

-holding strong

for the one holding it.

[spokespeaksspeccs]

I don’t think you saw me, why didn’t you want to see me,

ME

I kept trying even when I was drowning,

I wasn’t honest

I wasn’t truthful

To how much pain I was going thru

Would you have wanted to hear?

To see,

Funny how deeply your face stuck

And how now I can’t see you at all

Can’t see,

Consciously drowning,

like opening my eyes in the ocean it burned-

but I could still kind of make out the shapes,

I drew them blindly,

Then..

But FUCK it hurt,

it burned,

it hurts,

I wish I could erase but I KNOW I have to learn from this,

So I will

I will continue to be open,

Continue to love,

Just-

Not blindly

Because at least now

I have my head above the surface,

I can breathe

I can see

And I’ve learned that I don’t want to open my eyes in the ocean again-

Unprepared

Choosing barely seeing over seeing clearly.

I will

Continue to love

I will

Continue to be open

But I also will

remember my damn mask

I will

Not swim blindly but instead in unison with the beauty of the sea.

[spokespeaksspeccs]

Familiarity in the empty heart

Like a tummy growling in the morning after eating a big meal and then falling asleep, the expansion of it,

causing pain in the morning, false perceptions,

I wish I was just told the truth

I wish I could isolate myself out of feeling but instead I’m stuck in my growling heart

Hungry

[spokespeaksspeccs]

Thank you guys

I’ve been doing so much traveling

and now I’m finally landing at where I need to be

I’m sorry I can’t see clearly anymore

That I picked and I lost and now

Now,,

There’s something biting at me all the time

leading me too far

You’ve become too far that I can’t even pull the memory of your face

Of anyones face

My head is filled with a mosh pit of lost souls

Or maybe just my own

,,

How did I become so engulfed I was blinded to the truth of how it goes

Every time I heal I choose the demons

That I always feared

That I fear

Consciously conscious

Fighting not to pull out my hair

I’m struggling to breath

Pain pain pain

I didn’t know that this was my place

Didn’t know this was who I reflect

To give and be

to be and give

A cycle

I’m Trapped in

[spokespeaksspeccs]

Theres something chasing me

I can’t escape

Not the gods

But the perception of it

They speak my name

I can’t speak my name

[spokespeaksspeccs]

I was told to be perfect to me, to learn to grow into the perfectness around me, like the little monarch caterpillars when they go into their cocoon, silently stranforming into there true form, they spend so long gathering strength and growing strong and then, in their most vulnerable stage they perfect the art of growing away from the world and into theirselves, this, is meditation in the most natural form,

Love is complex and I must remain dormant in my cocoon growing silently into my true form, I was told that once I master love all around me, to accept each being where they are right now instead of where they were or where they can be, to stay in love with all that surrounds me, then will I be able to channel my love into another, to emerge together and fly like butterfly’s alongside one another, we are each our little caterpillar, delicate and constantly growing and adapting to our surroundings to our elements, and remembering that precious energy is so vital when pursuing true love.

[spokespeaksspeccs]

I feel so weak,

I know how to keep going but acceptance is hurting me,

I know I have to trust my truth but I don’t want to

It hurts

I want to grow from the pain but man does it hurt

I feel so drained and empty

So many losses follow

I miss the people I’ll never see again

And I miss the ones I can’t see again

[spokespeaksspeccs]

You’re real you’re real you’re real you’re real you’re real you’re real you’re real,

I don’t want to be changed to be masked to be hidden,

To have my gifts taken by unknowers

To have my eyes removed by false messengers

To have my wrists bound by silence

I don’t want to be visibly open to be perceived as crazy to be viewed WRONG

I am here

Always have been

Always will be

I am real

We are real

I don’t want to be lost in my tomb forever

To be awoken when I die

To live a life that I don’t see

To be broken when I die

To not hear what’s here to be broken when I die

To not understand what’s true

To be blinded by propaganda

To be changed by stigma

To be dammed by eyes

I am real

I am awake

[spokespeaksspeccs]

I feel like I can’t speak a word, can’t scream can’t cry

Can’t voice what’s going on to anyone

I’m just disappearing

Silently

Alone

Surrounded by people who scare me

Maybe just me

I don’t know anymore

What’s real

I hide away and then get scared to leave so I dissolve into emptiness stuck in a nightmare trapped in disguise

Tired of holding space to have mine stolen

I’m lost

I’m scared of everyone who surrounds me

Maybe just me

Inspo for writing (aka my hypnotic brain lock in to a beat while writing)

[spokespeaksspeccs]

My dad told me to always expect and plan for the worst to happen,

I didn’t but then I looked in the mirror and I looked just like him

Not physically

Not but in the eyes

He with a big heart

Held space for so much love

Seen as a stone

Now

Built as a castle

He hides behind his work so long that it all feels pretend

I understand the life of the eyes behind the man

It hurts

It’s hollow

I don’t want to expect the worst

But the eyes explain why

Why I should

Why I should hide as well

I feel hollow

So I hide behind kaleidoscope eyes

[spokespeaksspeccs]

Nothing feels real anymore, I wish I could feel truths beyond words that are never spoken but in truth I can’t hold depth beyond my own,

How do I

As an individual wanting to spread light,

With not light to spare

How do i?

As an individual wanting to love

Loving so deeply with so much open eyes matter,

love an individual made to matter;

love an individual made to matter;

love an individual made to matter;

A healer disguised as a solidier, I’ve reconciled my nature accepted that im one to talk,,,

to, yeah?