specksofdust - Tumblr blog

[specksofdust]

বাংলাদেশে বিদ্যুৎ ও জ্বালানি খাতে ভারত নির্ভরতা – সর্বজনকথা

https://sarbojonkotha.info/sk-33-power-and-energy-dependency-on-india/

[specksofdust]

im a failure of a daughter

im a failure of a sister

im a failure of a partner

im a failure of a friend

im a failure of a student

im worthless

[specksofdust]

I swear I can physically hear my brain telling me to unalive myself.

[specksofdust]

“So Lenin thought that Marx was right, that capitalism had created this kind of homogenizing monster.

Which went around the world, flattening cultures, turning social groups into classes, making everything basically the same everywhere, leading to a tension between workers and property owners. 

Lenin thought that was all correct. But — and this is a really interesting move — Lenin said:

“Marx thinks we have to have a revolution where there are lots of workers in factories. Marx also says that the whole thing is one big world system. 

So if it’s one big world system and we’re revolutionaries, we are therefore allowed and indeed required to push wherever the capitalists are weakest.”

And how do you know where the capitalists are weakest? You push and you find out, right?

And applying that logic in 1917, it was acceptable for Lenin and his Bolsheviks to try to overthrow the existing order in Russia. 

Russia at that time, from the point of view of the Marxists themselves, was backward. 

It was a country of peasants and nomads. There were very few workers. Marx did not think there would be a revolution in Russia. 

But with this argument, you could say that Russia’s part of the world’s system. If it’s a weak point, then we’re allowed to push on it. 

And then — here comes the next very important thing — we’ll be like a powder keg.

We start the revolution and then the English and the Germans and all the more advanced comrades will have their revolutions, and then they’ll come and rescue us. 

So the people who made the Russian Revolution never intended to make a Russian revolution. They intended to make a world revolution. They believed that what they were doing was starting a world revolution.”

Source: Timothy Snyder: The Making of Modern Ukraine. Class 13. Republics and Revolutions

[specksofdust]

Self harm doesn’t always happen when a blade touches skin.

It’s skipping meals because you don’t feel like you deserve to eat today. It’s having sex because you want to be used or abused or defiled. It’s drinking recklessly because you might have the ‘courage’ do something stupid. It’s smoking - not because you need the nicotine - because you know it’s bad for you. It’s banging your head against a wall when you’re angry. It’s crossing the road without looking because you lowkey hope a car might hit you. It’s thinking about all the ways you could break a bone and make it look like an accident. It’s not taking painkillers because you want to suffer. It’s taking painkillers in excess because you know it’s dangerous. It’s walking home the more dangerous way because you’re kind of half hoping you’ll get attacked or raped or stabbed. It’s going for long walks at night and getting chilled to the bone and hoping that you get lost so that you can’t find your way back. It’s seeking out triggering material. It’s all the stupid little ways you punish yourself for existing.

Sometimes self harm happens when you put effort into depriving yourself of things you like or need, and sometimes it happens when you don’t put any effort into doing the things you like or need.

It’s a pattern of self-destructive behaviour, and it doesn’t only happen in one way.

This sort of behavior is classified as “para-suicidal” It’s putting yourself in a situation of danger or destruction with the intention of risking your safety rather than a direct attempt on your life. Kind of, leaving it all to chance? Also doing things to harm yourself or your self worth because you feel you deserve to feel the outcome of those actions.

[specksofdust]

[specksofdust]

people who come from imperialist countries saying they are not to blame for their country's history... like i'm sorry but you live a fairly comfortable life with my country's wealth. you benefit from imperialism every single day

[specksofdust]

“Human knowledge is not (or does not follow) a straight line, but a curve, which endlessly approximates a series of circles, a spiral. Any fragment, segment, section of this curve can be transformed (transformed one-sidedly) into an independent, complete, straight line, which then (if one does not see the wood for the trees) leads into the quagmire, into clerical obscurantism (where it is anchoredby the class interests of the ruling classes).”  V.I. Lenin This class is a exposition of the history of dialectical thought from Descartes to Mao. Required reading is the text “Dialectical Logic” which can be purchased from the Marx-Engels-Lenin Press here.

[specksofdust]

Alright I have absolutely no other option than to isolate myself and avoid absolutely everyone until I don't care if they love me or not because the emotional pain of being close to people and caring about them is far too painful, like someone is twisting a knife in my stomach.

[specksofdust]

My body's happiness receptors are no longer functional. When something nice occurs or happiness overtakes me, it never finds a home to settle inside of me. They crowd over my body and cloud my mind as they continue to flow and sway without any place to go. They resemble earth's dust. It oozes out of me because I can no longer retain it inside of me. The despair is tangible. The bones crave for a bit of warmth, wants to hold onto them, a prophylactic that inhibits contact. The contradiction splits my body into two. I disintegrate. So, I attempt to relive pleasant memories, chase the warmth of the afternoon, and pray that the sun will stay up all day. Nevertheless, the fall occurs because the dense fog obscures things that are too far away for me to reach. I started keeping a notebook with me a few days ago. I wrote down every small but meaningful warm memory there so that I might read them when I needed to shake off the doldrums. But rather the memories remained, reduced to nothing but mere alphabets assembled in a manner incomprehensible to me.

And in the space of a single second, life leaves my body to seek refuge among the trees. On the highest branch. Around it, molds swell, and furs hide her eyes' radiance. Hands and legs continue to dangle, under the streetlight, where the souls are torn apart. I scream out to her out of loneliness. In fear. Having no sense of time, much like a newborn who hasn't yet learned to adapt to life outside of its mother's womb. I feel no hunger. I feel no touch. I am a hollow shell that has been there for what seems like an eternity. Just like this, so much of time has gone by when I wasn’t even there inside this ribs of mine.

[specksofdust]

“When people enter into an experience of loneliness, they trigger what psychologists call hypervigilance for social threat […] In this state, which is entered into unknowingly, the individual tends to experience the world in increasingly negative terms, and to both expect and remember instances of rudeness, rejection and abrasion, giving them greater weight and prominence than other, more benign or friendly interactions. This creates, of course, a vicious circle, in which the lonely person grows increasingly […] What this means is that the lonelier a person gets, the less adept they become at navigating social currents. Loneliness grows around them, like mould or fur, a prophylactic that inhibits contact, no matter how badly contact is desired. Loneliness is accretive, extending and perpetuating itself. Once it becomes impacted, it is by no means easy to dislodge.”

— The lonely city, Olivia Laing

[specksofdust]

has a breakdown about what a lonely life it is. goes for a walk with headphones in. purchases a beverage at the supermarket. you know how it goes

[specksofdust]

Things that don't kill you only torment you to the point you would beg for death

[specksofdust]

one of the most important things, perhaps the most important thing I have learned in my life is that nice people can fuck each other up in monstrous ways. people can be bone deep kind and loving and self reflective and still lash out under pressure. people can be earnestly neighbourly and charitable and hospitable and generous and still find themselves in situations where they become selfish. people can be well meaning and easygoing and gregarious and hold deep seated opinions that turn them into vicious little bullies under the right conditions. nobody is just one thing, and nobody stays one way. every person is a kaleidoscope and they will surprise you. you will surprise yourself. it's not a warning and it's not a judgement and it's not an excuse, and it's certainly not a reason to stop trying or to stop trusting. it is just a fact.

[specksofdust]

the female urge to consume the most soul crushing pieces of entertainmet ever produced just to feel something

[specksofdust]

i do wish people would relearn the ability to think things are dumb without making up reasons why they’re also evil actually. personal taste doesn’t always have to be a moral stance, the personal isn’t that political. i told my friend i didn’t care for selena gomez the other day and he asked me what she’d done. i don’t fucking know bro i just think her music is boring. im tired

[specksofdust]

hi, ummm. this is awkward. haha. yeah um do you think you could push your boulder up somewhere else? like a different hill? because this one’s kind of already taken. yeah it’s the one i’ve decided to die on, so.