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Reblog if you feel fat right now.

Always

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🩸:☕️>10 JAN 2020☕️;;🩸’~

it’s been a tough time for me. like, the last couple of weeks. my anxiety got worse, I did hurt myself a couple of times... also, now I am writing abt yesterday, and it is early morning of my first school day after holidays.

when I am anxious, I tend to lose my appetite completely, so during the holidays like every piece of food for me felt rather unnecessary, wrong etc. but I can’t really control myself as usual when I am at home all day... I don’t think I gained smth during the holiday break tho, my mom took my measuring tape for her knitting, and it was literally the oily way I could control my progress...

anyways, yesterday I didn’t eat almost anything. like three prunes and a banana I think. also shit ton of tea, water and sugar-free glögi (that’s scandinavian spicy cristmas drink). not to be considered as a fast, but as a nice restrictive day! btw today I woke up somewhat guilt-free and finally without bloating. that was predictable, but I still feel nice abt it!

I think I am gonna try to fast or at least eat the same for a couple of days. I remember that it helped a lot in November. sooo we’ll live and see, I guess

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aesthetics and us

just did a lil redisign for my blog so wanted to tell everyone abt my view on aesthetics!

!caution: an unexpectedly long post!

📀i created this profile when i was 14, full of hopes and dreams on how i’m gonna lose weight, but still broken by anxiety disorder and too shy to really express meself by appearance. also i loved blue a lot haha

💿now i am 16 (what a growth), obsessed with greyish tones and green, totally damaged by my mental health issues BUT with more definite music taste and clothing style! i love bmth, sum-41, anti-flag, limp bizkit and deftones if anyone asked hehe (also a ton of 80-90s russian rock but you most probably haven’t heard of it)

📀also i still don’t dress or act like a stereotipical punk, but i mean the main idea is to express yourself the way you want, so yeah. i wear mostly oversized wierd shirts, grey jeans, sweaters. also i don’t like hoodies as a _thing_ you know, but it’s damn cold where i live so i am adapting by wearing the most idgaf-hoodies i can find. what was i about? yeah, my aesthetic. what is this? nobody knows....

💿i personally think that it ia wonderful that we nowadays can describe eachother in different strange words AND it’s acceptable! in my blog i want to translate the part of me that no one irl knows about - dreamy, sometimes a hopeless romantic, high-sensitive person... i mean, i am still broken a lot, sometimes i feel like every cursed cat image there is, i overthink and overreact basically all the time, but here is my safespase, where i can calm down a bit and type a colourful story of my day-to-day life.

📀in conclusion: my aesthetic’s main features are punk thinking, soviet-time cartoons, cinnamon gum obsession and biological studies) i call it all symbolyca just as my own un

what do you think is your aesthetic like? it’s really interesting for us to know who do we have inside my lil community)) don’t be shy and speak up abt your dtyle, aesthetics anf ways of expressing yourself☄️💥

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Galia Lahav/Couture Spring 2017

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I have just learnt that my classmate, one of the few people I ever talk to, had struggled a lot with her mental health(

you know, we are all teens, we change, and it can be painful. it just feels so wrong to realise that everyone you know are in the same struggle. no one can really help. and I personally am not helpful for them at all...

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okay guys, it’s literally hours before new year!

I want to share my personal NY inspiration, call it thinspo or everything you like~

i am russian (surprise! hehe), so we have a bunch of traditional NY movies to watch (NY is more important in russia than christmas if you didn’t know, just a thing left after anti-religious ussr). one of these traditional movies is «Карнавальная ночь» or “Carnival night”. The movie itself is really nice, but I want to pay your attention at the main actress - Lyudmila Gurchenko!

Just look at her! She is stunning, literally a model I mean! Despite it’s too wierd to watch a festive movie and get motivated to lose that weight, this is what I wanted to share ;) ❄️🎄💜

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🎄very short time left before the new year. tell me about your little victories during this whole hell called 2020!🎄

I am sure that everyone had better moments, no matter what it means to you. replay them in your mind and now get ready to enjoy holidays! I will be there for you 🪐

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_•*🛖;🎲 23 DEC 2020 🎲::⏳*~,

h-heyyyyy everyone!

I was feeling somewhat indecisive these days about my attitude to my body... like I kept restricting but didn’t seriously try to fast anymore.

I have lost something around my waist AND on the back. it feels kinda bone-ish now?? I guess?? anyways, I am sorta content with how it’s going.

also I’ve started practising yoga recently. probably that’s the reason why I am still slowly losing fat, I am glad to notice that! the kind of exercises I do is called “power-yoga”. it has some elements similar with regular resistance training, but still is pretty much calming, involves a lot of stretching and does not make my heart race af.

if you consider yourself too “weak” for cardio or too impatient for long resistance workouts, please try power-yoga! I find it entertaining but still effective ;))

that’s all that I can tell for today. I know this is a rare update, but who the hell cares. I hope we will all stay safe and reach our goals soon!

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damn I can’t even write an update. bc I couldn’t really fast for like 3? 4 weeks??? I am pathetic. disgusting.

I guess I was so affected by the results I got at first that I thought I can not try as hard and unconsciously lost that discipline, willpower. now the joy finally has dissolved. I see that I am not slim, skinny, not even close to this - I look like every bloody before-shot.

you know, if I can’t make it (I mean starve haha) for a DAY, at least a DAY from now, I will probably start self-harm again, bc I feel really shitty. don’t want to do anything, literally perfect timing to fucking distract from “normal life”, thoughts like “I look ok already” etc.

come on, get the things done

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I am a failure. I want to leave my body, be invisible and non-existent. oh god, I hate to be seen in this body

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I couldn’t fckn hold myself, be in control these days

so I’ve just made a good old lock screen pic to motivate me (and also which is not looking... suspicious)

here it is I HOPE it’ll help me

I mean, my body is so close to my goal, but I am personally a fat pig who has no self-control to fckn fast for couple of days ✌️

rlly hate myself this week(

edit: this is a photo I made in October in a park near my home. the sunset was so beautiful, just as pretty as we all are inside our heads

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“🏙🕯; 1 DEC 🧊::🧺-‘

damn, the final month of this year

tbh, I have never been so slim and so close to my perfect body. my main mistake is setting big goals (the main reason i can’t fast so well, like I think I have plenty of time haha)

if I make right decisions, if I listen to my mind, my body can change sooooo freakin’ much EVEN before new year!

the most helpful motivation for me is being skinny on the prom night. dancing over there, near my former bullies and a guy who was rejecting me bc of weight. he was my first love tho. can’t wait to see his eyes on me when I finally will take off these oversized pieces and wear a black thin prom dress. ah yes, can’t wait to finally go and my the dress I always wanted... and it will definitely fit me bc of my new skinny body!

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hey guys, hope your skin is clear and you get a text from someone you like real soon.

also that your lunch tastes good, you find twenty dollars on the ground, and that thing coming up that you were dreading turns out not so bad

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you will get the body you love, the mindset you need, the story you deserve to live in

i believe in you, darling

𑁍 keep going 𑁍

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📦::📎29 NOV 2020🦷;

☆ I wasn’t updating this week. mostly bc I don’t feel comfortable enough about what I ate. it wasn’t a good true fast even for a day - I ended up eating a snack/small or regular meal every fucking evening, and then the weekend came...

you know, fuck it. I am going to start again.

☆ I didn’t gain any weight tho, but disappointing myself with not following the plan is exhausting.

☆ I was stress eating bc of mom’s pressure, period, studies. but everyone can overcome their weaknesses through time. this is my turn to build up my will power again - no matter what, I am going to fast.

☆ I can distract myself with videos, music, a good classic book I am reading now - everything is not that difficult! I hope mom will not notice and get angry/sad, ‘cause it usually leads her to shout at me and not talk gently about the problem.

I will fast

I will fast

I will fast

I will fast

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i fucked up. totally.

a got a one ONE 1 (one) point less than a mark I needed to participate in a very important (for me) study thing

what a dumbass. what a loser. i am pathetic.

i felt like a rubber for the whole day after having an anxiety attack. well, now i don’t feel hunger bc of stress, which adds something good to it

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I have a really supportive healthy best friend and it feels like I am a disappointment to her...