sparkandshits
sparkandshits
Sparks and Colors
13 posts
27 year olds living in limbo. dont get caught.
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sparkandshits · 6 days ago
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Eaxctly one year ago, I was busy writing essays to apply for my master’s degree. Made appointments to even go at weekends for hustling with friends from work who wanted to pursue masters too. I asked this dear old friend of mine to accompany me and tag along. We went to Blok M. For years since junior high school, he’s my i’m-only-one-call away. We were classmates and bandmates and then went to the same college, and ended up working in the same industry. From talking about electricity, robots, his love life, my love life, the exotic drinks he found when he went for KKN to NTT, his first major heartbreak, I was there to witness them all. When he lose his mind. When I was struggling working on my thesis. When I lose my mind. When what I can do was only crying and asked him can we go to McD at 1 AM but don’t ask me anything just let me cry, so he said yes let’s go. When he lose his mind and I can only watch him cry. When he started his first therapy session. When I was about to faint after accompanying him to that music show.
Last year, he accompanied me working on those essays. He was also the one who showed up when I failed and was there to comfort me. He said ‘take a break first, it’s hard if you don’t give it a pause’ which I denied first because I kept pushing harder, only to find that what he said was true.
Today, I had my first round of SQL Test and he accompanied me again. I sometimes think, that probably I am very single, but to be surrounded by someone who’s there during the most crucial moments, without expecting anything in return, is one of the most precious thing I can have right now. He might not drive me around, or taking me somewhere very far (which probably can, but I never ask him to, and I don’t want to) but I just want to take this post to appreciate his existence. May he always be healthy, and live happily. To more happy moments together. To more ‘don’t worry, i’m here for you’ moments!!!!:)🫶🫶🫶
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sparkandshits · 1 month ago
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To feel himself continuous with his own past, to accept for the rest of his life permanent encircling shadow of everything he has lost.
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sparkandshits · 2 months ago
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sparkandshits · 2 months ago
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The Story of Someone Who Was Never Sure of Anything
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The stillness of 3AM has been so tender to us. Across that Turkish cocktail bar, in front of the hostel, you thrusted all of your doubts and vulnerabilities for me to see. Across the hallways, the corner of that lame old office of ours, I would instantaneously unravel your insecurities. ‘God, i was never sure of anything. It sucks. I will never know if what I’m doing now is correct. They say to follow your heart, but what if I’m not even sure of anything, to begin with?’
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We were riding airplanes and motorcycles. You were one of those people whose ambitions light up the whole room. With you, it’s like the sky is only the limit. We could even go to Mars, Jupiter, Venus, anywhere you like. Sometimes it amazes me, how someone who’s very determined can be very unsure of everything. It’s like seeing someone who has tremendous willpower, travel the moon like it’s an easy thing to do, but never knows what’s the actual reason they have to go that far at the very first place. One time you could climb the highest mountains, go to the ends of the seas, collect all of the world’s most precious treasures, but you would still feel empty inside. People would congratulate you for all of your achievements. Winning things are just your forte. You know how to steal the spotlight. But I guess everyone has their fair share of some kind of test from God. If you know clearly what you really want, brave enough to say that it’s what you want, I bet you’re unstoppable. You’re not just traveling the moons and planets. You’ll travel galaxies. But you have your own demons. I wished I could eradicate all of your demons. But I can only stand beside you, letting you figure yourself out against those demons.
Behind that mask you show to the world, I was there to witness it all. Your secrets. Your confusions. Your secret pleading to the world. How much you want to be found. How much you’re desperate to be decoded and heard. I was there. I remember. I took notes. I sat with you.
We met at the right time. It was right, because both of us were at a very confusing cross-roads. Pushed by tremendous amount of work at the office, with its fast-paced workloads, everchanging strategies. They put high hopes towards us. Because people like us were young, full of energies and ambitions, and willing to go that far, even though the direction was impossible to do.
Without even trying, you instantly shown me how we shared the same dreams and visions. It wasn’t that hard for me to open up to you. You asked me how’s living in Sweden. That was an instant password for me to open up again, after quite some time having people hurting me.
Suddenly, my 7 PM was not dreadful anymore. Suddenly, my 10 PM was spent beside you, fighting demons. Suddenly, I was not unsure anymore. Suddenly, the food that seemed bland and colorless felt colorful and tasty. Suddenly, the sky is blue. It’s not gray. I feel like I can move forward. Crushed by the hopelessness and standing in the crossroads was an old chapter. Suddenly, I was excited opening up new chapters. Unraveling new pages. As long as I’m with you. Knocking new doors. Gained my confidence back. How beautiful it is, that in between my confusion and cross-roads, I found a partner to hold hands with. Finding exit plans to escape this labyrinth became my favorite thing to do. There was a slight doubt in the back of my head, but I always try to rationalize them.
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Having confusion is one thing. But I didn’t realize that the same confusion would kill us both and whatever we shared. Didn’t realize that holding hands when trying to escape the labyrinth cannot happen when two people are both confused. I let go of your hands, so you could exit the maze on your own.
From the outside, it looks like you finally get what you’ve always wanted. Did you still get confused, though? I will never know, I wasn’t there to decode you anymore. Not listening to your doubts and insecurities anymore. I guess I’ll see you sometime in the future, when we’re able to get out of that confusing maze. My message to you, even if we’re already departed: I finally understand now how to exit this complicated maze (mess). The only way through is to not force everything to happen now. It’s confusing because you want everything to happen now with all of your willpower. If you’re patient enough, just a little.. I bet the answer will unravel itself in front of you.
Sometimes the answer is simple, it’s not that big or complicated, it’s light and already in front of you but you can’t believe that it’s already there because you thought you had to fight tooth and nails to reveal them.
But till then, I’ll see you at the end of the maze.
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sparkandshits · 2 months ago
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A little comic about the future. Looking straight into the great unknown is definitely scary, but at the end of the day, the future is the only way forward. And we’re not going alone!
Chibird store | Positive pin club | Instagram
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sparkandshits · 2 months ago
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❤️🥰
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sparkandshits · 2 months ago
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‘Begin Again’. ‘But on a Wednesday, on a cafe, i watched it begin again…’
Since i listened to that song, i am constantly anticipating this so-called begin again moments. I cannot wait to walk the streets with this new love opportunity, listening to him talking about his world that feels very new and sparkling to me. And the best part, probably, would be me almost brought my ex fling up and how hurtful it is, only to find him then start talking about his family & the new movie he recently watched.
I kept finding signs. I kept looking at cafes. Streets. Potential lovers. Only to be able to feel Begin Again, like the Taylor Swift’s song. I believe it’s going to feel magical, out-of-this-world, and how that one moment would erase all of the pain that i felt. The betrayal and the resentment towards giving my all only to be treated like a garbage. I crave for those moments. Maybe they would be my cure for everything.
However, as I was too busy looking for this ‘begin-again’ moments, I overlooked the beautiful things that happened to me.
January is the beginning of a new year. People find this month often with new spirit. New beginnings. A fresh start. One of my favorite month too across the whole year, because January feels like a very good reset for all of my failures.
But also, a reminder of how i should live my life to the fullest. Sometimes it gave me a very big pressure. To make the most perfect to-do list and goals. For me who’s never sure of everything, these moments could feel paralyzing and frustrating at some point. I want to start anew, to quit my job and say that i am giving up. I want to start somewhere, with new people, where all of this hardwork will lead to a real reward and i can finally sleep in peace at night.
Feeling dreadful because i am unable to create new goals and to-do list for January due to my fear of failure and doubts, I talked to my friend to ask for consolation. She said that life is a big puzzle and the only way to win it is to try moving step-by-step. It’s like entering those automatic doors at the malls. It only opens if you come closer. If you’re going nowhere near, it won’t open. She got a good point there. I was just a coward, full of fear and afraid to take new big steps. Or should it start with small steps?
I don’t know. It feels scattered in my brain. But in the middle of those confusion & dreading feeling, somehow my colleague from work suddenly invited me for a group study. For master’s prep. Not sure where this leads to, because i can only see the beginning, not the ending. Then it hits me that this is the ‘begin again’ moment that i have long awaited for.
It is that one moment, that probably would not help me erase and redeem the old pain. Nothing could. The pain would always stays there for as long as i try to carry them to the future. These ‘begin again’ moments are those small moments that reminds me to keep walking, to see the new opportunity, and to reassures me that i could keep walking regardless of how much I have lost. ❤️
Nothing would ever replace those magical feelings in the past. No attempt that could ever replace that. But trying to create happiness by replicating what happened in the past was wrong too. I have to define my happiness for the present. And it could mean differently than what made me happy in the past, because i am an entirely changed person now.
The other day, I exchanged stories (again) up until 3 AM with this new friend who happened to share many similarities with me. Strangely, I could see myself in hers. The ambitions, potentials, all of that washed up because we gave some ugly boys chances to hurt us. All we felt was sudden shock, unprepared for how this boy trying to push the boundaries over and over again. Just by that, I realize how these could meant ‘begin again’ moment too because in order for us to move forward, we have to release the grudges and start anew. And it felt right because I shared it with someone who has gone through the same shit with me. From that moment, I swear, I would protect myself, and my friends, who had stupidly gave our soul away for those who can never cherish them. That would be the conclusion to have this new begin again I am desperately look for.
That would be it. And that is more than enough.❤️
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sparkandshits · 2 months ago
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happy new year :)
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New Year’s Eve (2011)
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sparkandshits · 2 months ago
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My best friends are with me and i feel okay. But last time I was here, I was eighteen. My mind is racing and I feel so strange. Last time I was here, you were with me!
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sparkandshits · 2 months ago
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She used to loathe that home. She used to think that moving out and leaving everything behind is the key to her freedom. She had contradictions inside her head. All she wanted was love & acceptance. Yet, she didn’t get that when she was young. Forced to ace all of her studies. So she could study at the best university. Because her parents told her that her worth lies in her achievements. ‘You’re smart, and I want you to succeed. Live an extraordinary life. You have to be someone. I do not want you to live like an ordinary people. You have to conquer the world. Go to the ends of Earth to see what’s there. Make us proud!’ While she spent her nights studying, endlessly. She questioned a lot. She loved learning, but she hated the pressure to succeed at such a young age. All she wanted was to sit in the corner of a library, undisturbed. That new house was very warm, but it filled with her insecurities and chasing achievements. She had to study at school, then additional course, then sleep. Her weekends were studying. ‘I want you to be an engineer. Or a doctor.’ ‘I know, but i’ll live a boring life. But for you, i’ll try.’
She’s 27 now. She has passed that suffering chapter of her life. She moved to a new place. She didn’t have to suppress herself just to be accepted. She didn’t have to study all night to get good grades anymore. She could go to Japan. She could go to Singapore. Anywhere she wants. She has now loving that beautiful home. What used to be a house full of cracks, now she has learned to loving them tenderly. Still the same home that would hug her from the bruteness of Jakarta. Sometimes she wished that her high school years wasn’t spent fighting and suffering like that. But she knows that parents wants the best for their children. This is how they want to love her. So she accepted.
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sparkandshits · 2 months ago
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‘’you know how to ball, i know aristotle’ is about my girlfriend and me!’ and i will never have that place inside your heart. pulling me close but when i do then you make high walls. we’re stupid and young. you should’ve known better. i should’ve known better. it’s raining. busy with neverending business trips. thinking of why my previous trip to Japan didn’t make me happy. because my definition of happiness is no longer traveling abroad to some country. it’s talking with you 2 AM in front of turkish bar. it’s finding out that handsome guy attracted to me. it’s finding romantic love and able to maintain it for as long as i could. watching it crushed and breaks in front of my eyes. watching it coming and going easily without any intervention. not knowing if i already did my best to be happy. not knowing what truly gives sense of fulfillment. Bought Sally Rooney again. you know how to ball, I know aristotle. Can you go away? I hate you.
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sparkandshits · 2 months ago
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Strange. He defies all of the logic i had back inside my brain.
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sparkandshits · 2 months ago
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secret pledges to the world.
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