spaceprincesszil

[spaceprincesszil]

My partner has been very supportive of anything I want to do and claims to love my body no matter what. I don’t think it’s untrue but he definitely likes the hourglassy-ness I’m developing better. He hates that my hips/ass shrunk.

In 2007 I was dating some lameass dude, fucking during a totally manic phase one summer. I was getting dressed and he looked up admiringly and told me I had a fat ass. I always have an ass, I guess, but as a white girl who hit puberty in the late 90s and grew up in the age of aughts fashion where midriff was king and your hip bones MUST show and that collar bone had to pop…it was like napalm. I had a fat ass. I was probably about 150-160 and convinced I was way too fat, my BMI at 5’7” was overweight.

Spiraled.

And that brings me to the other night. My guy says he likes thick girls, but when I look at who he looks at (since I’m queer af and have some overlap in who we find attractive, we both look at porn together) really he likes curvy hourglass girls with fat in all the right places, big tits big ass small waist thick thighs, which is not how I’m built right now or when I first moved in with him. Or fit girls. I do not see him look at girls as imperfect as me. was grabbing my hips admiringly and my ass and said something like “this is my wide load.”

I froze immediately, bc all I could think of was how that’s one of the labels Lardass in Stephen King’s The Body (or film Stand By Me) gets. I made some comment about it, and he immediately got upset, like “jfc I’m tired I didn’t mean it like that.” I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, he likes phrases like that in bed, but I certainly don’t like that one.

On top of that on the lunar eclipse he had a meltdown bc as I am heading back into a more socially acceptable weight category and be idk, approaching conventionally attractive, he’s worried I’m going to leave him. I tried to explain that anyone who couldn’t see I was worthwhile before would have trouble landing my attention now or in future. I don’t like chasers of any sort.

Being fat isn’t a personality trait for me, but neither is fitness, to be honest. I tried to be body positive but it doesn’t work for me, I hope to achieve body neutrality, and just be able to be grateful for what my body can do.

But “wide load” keeps echoing in my head.

My body has changed a lot this past year but it’s still not enough. If I was a normal amount of fat it’d be more noticeable.

Almost all my underwear and bras are too big and so are most of my pants. I can almost wear my partner’s pants comfortably, which is exciting to me bc I’d love to present more masc at times and I’d like to express that more, which is hard in a fat curvy femme body. I really want some more clothes but what’s the point if I’m still shrinking? I wish I knew how to sew.

Wide load.

Fuck man, like why? I don’t really think he meant to neg.

On top of everything I am not sleeping nearly enough, I keep waking up at 4 something and can’t fall back asleep. I haven’t been walking or moving enough and I think that’s why I can’t sleep through. I have not been great about keeping up with motion as part of my mental health practice.

So this morning while I’ve been waiting I am adding lots of workouts to some playlists, and I even did an arm workout with some little weights that I can already tell kicked my ass and will make me so sore. One exercise in particular was really difficult and made me feel weak and pathetic so just means I gotta do more. I never like my arms, it’d be nice to feel good about them.

Really love the idea of getting really toned so can present more androgyny.

I’m trying not to let a comment he made sleepily at like 4 am get to me, but it’s been echoing and bouncing around in my head multiple times a day since he said it.

That’s its own kind of weight.

All i can do is move through it and do better on my end.

[spaceprincesszil]

I don’t know what to say. It’s a year since I caught COVID. I was down for 3 weeks in September but it was all gut issues, mostly and fatigue like I couldn’t believe and the worst adhd can’t remember shit.

And then there was weight loss. I’d been trying to lose some weight bc I felt so slow and just didn’t feel good in my body, didn’t liked how I looked. But normally I have to do a LOT to move the scale.

But it’s easy, somehow, now. And I didn’t lose my sense of smell or taste. But my metabolism is different. And occasionally I am like, is this okay?

But I feel fine, mostly.

It’s weird to lose weight without really trying after it being a problematic thing in my life. I am doing my best to not beat myself up or try harder, bc truthfully my body doesn’t seem to need much more encouragement. I still snack. Drink on occasion, although not much bc my tolerance was never great and now with the weight loss it hits harder. I am trying so hard not to be all ED minded about this.

But I do body check. I’ve caught myself doing it.

Today I could see the shadow of my rib cage outline under my breasts.

I had my partner hook my bra on the first set bc my bra isn’t supportive enough- partly from it being old and partly from me shrinking.

Some of my clothes really hang on me now, and it looks a little silly.

Sometimes I think it’s happening, in part, bc my mom passed and I’m not eating extra to deal with the anxiety.

But I don’t know.

I just don’t know.

I think what bothers me the most about weight loss is how people start seeing you again. Treating you better. Male gaze, which 🤮.

I wasn’t invisible before, but being seen more has its own trials.

[spaceprincesszil]

Dunno why I’m back here.

I guess it’s a matter of not having much else to turn to.

My mom died in early January after a long slide of illnesses and injuries over the past couple years.

It’s been so difficult.

Our relationship wasn’t always the best.

It wasn’t the worst.

As a child, you don’t really see your parents as nuanced people. And I still have trouble with black and white thinking. Awhile back a few years ago I’d started doing some reparenting work, and since my mom passed my inner child has been screaming for her.

Inner teen screams at her or is avoidant.

The now just 39-year old me is lost and sad, trying to pick up the pieces left from this life force that drove my family. I’m also just so tired. Bone tired.

Years of playing caretaker for both parents, but especially her, have burnt me out.

I have little things from her everywhere. I can’t throw out a box bc she drew some little autumn leaves on it. My poor bathrobe she gave me like 8 years ago that is sadly pilling and stained makes me cry when I look at it. We’re past a lot of firsts- first Valentine’s (she often sent cards), Easter (a favorite of hers), Mother’s Day (awful), my birthday, hers. Ugh.

Mother’s Day was fun- I got wished a happy Mother’s Day by a well meaning retail worker (I am not a mom and was just out with my partner). I froze and literally had to think “don’t make it about you don’t talk about your dead mom don’t talk about your dead mom.” So I didn’t.

My birthday. Ugh. So good in many ways but heartbreaking. The last gift she gave me was a very nice 6 qt pot. I cry sometimes just looking at it.

Her birthday passed. The worst.

And now somehow it’s been over 7 months. It’s the worst. If you care a smidgen of a scrap of a fuck at all, grief is the actual worst.

I miss my mom everyday.

I’m still crying a lot.

I still care. I still love her.

I still wish I could talk to her, but I’m also grateful that it’s easier to talk to her now that she can’t talk back.

I wish things were easier.

I wish she was healthy and present and here.

I wish a lot of things.