spaceishuge

[spaceishuge]

Facts and way too big feelings

/sorry to get all rambly and personal on such a funky site, but i've made the executive decision to post this anyway. 473 words, 8 paragraphs and written in under an hour. first draft situation so forgive any weird flow/structure issues. if your into reading a strangers late night notes app stuff for some reason, this is on the same level/

I like to research, and I like to write. That's how I handle pretty much everything. at the very least it's a distraction, at it's best it solves whatever problem I'm facing. this had been the only way I knew to deal with big heavy stuff when I felt I had no one else to turn to. So it was near horrifying when it didn't work right when I needed it to the most. All my carefully compiled research, an email that went through four or five drafts, a perfectly curated list of resources and proof and..it was for nothing. it didn't matter, in the end, what research paper I cited, what blog from a medical group I linked, whatever helpful resources I could offer paired with a detailed explanation of what where why. I didn't realize I was throwing facts on what ended up being an emotional situation. I was in my early teens and had written a whole essay on why I believe I'm trans and what we can do about it. I was confident it would work out, why wouldn't it? I spent weeks on it, and the facts seemed clear as day nothing could make me *not* trans, surely they'd read every word and come to the same conclusion, and everything would be fine from then on out. They had no sound reason not to believe me as far as i could tell. Except what was just a bunch of neat facts for me, was a living nightmare for them. It was surreal, presenting something i was downright proud of (so many hours of work! so many sources and citations!), and my mom breaking down at the first line. Neither my mom or dad ever finished reading it. I'm not sure they got past the introduction. Nothing productive ever came of it. They firmly believe I'll drop dead from HRT, that eventually I'll snap out of this 'delusion' and regret everything. How do you address a problem when facts don't work? When someone won't listen to plain facts, firmly believing it's all been twisted by some political conspiracy?

it can feel like a stab to the heart, trying to make an emotional plea for something I felt could've been so simple. When a fact turns into a debate, and your happiness and health depend on you winning, it can all feel nearly tragic. Like it's a losing battle, a cautionary tale about not saying the right thing. Sometimes I wish there was some grand old wizard to declare what's right and what's wrong. The wise mentor on a hero's journey that provides a crucial piece of information that saves the day. Instead, I'll just have to keep trying to detangle this contradictory mess of facts and very big feelings, hoping I'll find the right words and the solution to a deadly puzzle