southeasternemokid-blog

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It’s sad to lose a life so young

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the last stand

i think its finally time, im done trying. i give up, i give in, nothing ever goes my way and most likely never will, no one is even trying to tell me otherwise ive told multiple people my stay here is just unbearable and they blow it off like i dont have problems of my own. its been getting harder and harder everyday and j try to use these as an escape, more like a desire for someone to tell me im important. i want to seek attention, i want to get people to pity me and i want others to see how i fucking feel but its so hard to do. i don't know what to do anymore. i thought i knew and i thought my life was going to get better because a few good things happened. those good things were really good but they were too good to last long at all. everything came crashing down immediately after i was finding what not being miserable felt like. my attempts at anything are just pointless it doesnt matter what i do it all goes to shit. im trying so hard to keep it together but im tired of trying so hard just so that everything can go wrong. im starting to think it goes wrong because of me. i honestly hate life right now and im perfectly ready to end it. the thought of killing myself isnt just a thought anymore its a probable outcome. when i needed someone the most no one did anything so ill take matters into my own hands. i tried to get better and nothing worked so ill do what any logical human being would do if something isnt working the way it was intended to and just stop. im just going to stop existing. would anyone miss me? people already forget about me, if i dont go out of my way to seek attention nothing comes my way. if they don't remember me to begin with they wont remember me when im gone. ive been stuck in a downward spiral most of my life and im fucking tired of it. i want clarity. i want things to be easier. i want one thing to go right. i just want you back. im not handling my emotions well whatsoever ive been really furious and really sad and im not keen to anything anymore. even little things that made me smile like seeing cute animals or playing the guitar poorly, i dont get any joy from those things. it all went away with you. and the worst part about it is that you talk to me every fucking day like nothing happened. you built me up to the point where even i was convinced i was fine. and then you destroyed me and picked me apart piece by piece. bone by bone. thought by though. atom by atom. it hurts so bad. i want to go. i want to disappear. i dont want to be reminded of anything. i wish i could just fade into eternity already. and not feel all these things i feel. im so fucking tired of feeling. everytime i feel its such a toll on me because i actually care. i try. i tried so fucking hard. i didnt have an impact. and im done. im not here to be a parasite i was here to enjoy life as a human like 90% of other humans do. and im stuck with this. its so hard to live saying youre fine when youre the most fcked up thing youve ever known. i am the worst thing to ever exist. i brought so much suffering to others and not a lot of happiness to the one i loved. im mad that i pushed you away without trying and now that im trying to right my wrong you wont see that. these might be my last words i might end it all today or tommorow but im ready to go. i dont want to go through all this pain anymore. im in pain every single day. and no matter what i do the only thing that made that pain easier is now a different thing. now its not a cure but a catalyst. i hope you read this when im gone and see how everything affected me and i hope others see this and try to help me because i feel so alone. i dont even want to see myself go but im tired of all this pain. i need company, i need your company. in the moment i needed the most help nothing came. my guardian angel gave up on me too.

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this might be my end

i dont know if i am going to kill myself or not but im ready to go already, the one thing i cared for is basically gone and i have no idea how to cope with it. i havent gotten the help i need even though i actively seek it. im so sick of everything going wrong its so fucking frustrating. a month ago i was beggining to think i was going to be happy and even through all my efforts nothing goes fucking right. im not trying to be an attention whore or anything but i really need someone to talk to

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Time isn't valuable to me

I always hear time is money, or something of that aspect meaning that wasting time is wasting life, but that isn't an issue for me or for ninety percent of people that say that phrase. I don't do anything really to progress I just sit alone to my thoughts. It's not like I never do things, I'm not a parasite, I just don't do anything that values to me. I'm always wasting time doing things that benefit others rather than me. It infuriates me that I never do anything to better myself as a human. I hate every aspect of my personality and who I am yet I don't do anything to change it, to fix it. However, that stops now. I'm trying as hard as I can do get over my problems, and my emotions, and my feelings, and my thoughts, and everything that stops me from improving, ever her. The one person that makes me think there's hope and she doesn't even appreciate me how she should. We talk every day at least once and she considers me one of her closest friends but still doesn't see how badly she treats me. I honestly think that me trying to get her to fall in love with me how I am with her is the main thing that carries me up then shuts me down. Everyday I think about her, every minute I spend thinking, and it kills me. It honestly does, just knowing that she doesn't have the same feelings for me. I spend so much time thinking about her that I don't keep track of it anymore, I rarely sleep and all night I just think about her. It's like she's the only thing that gives time a purpose for me. As much as I hate it, i love her. I can confidently say I am in love, there's no way around it, but I hate it, I despise it, if I could I would get rid of it. I wish I had never met her, yet she's the most important thing to me. It's funny how the things you love the most can hurt you the most. I hope she never sees this not that she ever could this is probably the most secluded social media I have, just somewhere to put all of the things on my mind on. I don't even plan anything I just go on here and type directly what comes off my head. If I could spend every moment with her time would have so much value for me. Last time I saw her it was for less than 5 minutes and it was the happiest I had been all week. Seeing her smile, her face, feeling her presence. It just made me so happy, and the second she leaves it's like nothing ever happened. I hate it that I love you.

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Am I angry or just act like I am

I don’t know how to deal with anger. I don’t really feel a lot of emotions other than anger. It’s the only feeling I’m familiar with, I feel it when I see others happy, or when I see others sad, or when I’m sad. I can’t quite understand why I get so angry I just feel so irritated that others don’t have to deal with the things I have to deal with. It’s like I’m in a completely different environment than everyone around me. The things I see, how I look at them puts me in a different world. I can’t put my finger on it but it just makes me so angry that it brings me to tears. Especially knowing that she’ll never see me and how I want her to see me as. I get angry at myself a lot. I hate who I am, how I act, how I talk, how I sound, fuck, I even get mad at myself for getting mad. I don’t know how to deal with it other than seeing the beauty in chaos, the peace before the storm. Sometimes I think my anger is even fabricated by myself. It just sparks up in my mind that I would love to be in a different scenario but I’ve put myself here instead of there. I’m a very envious person. I see people all the time just minding their own business and being happy and all and it just infuriates me. Why can’t I be normal. Why does eveyrthing about me have to be so different than everyone else around me. Why does every thought that pops up in my head so sad, or negative, or angry. Why can’t I have happy thoughts. Why can’t anything go how I want it to go, not a single time has that ever happened. Anytime I’ve planned something out almost systematically it goes as wrong as it can. Is it my fault? Am I doing something wrong? Am I really angry at everything or just so toxic to myself that I put myself in this state of mind?

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Clowning around.

Sometimes I feel like a clown, except not a real clown. I feel like the clown that puts on a smile so that people don’t ask how I feel. I do things to make others feel good by making a fool out of myself. My smile is about as fake as my personality. I wish I was the clown that got happiness out of other people’s laugh but I just feel worse when others laugh. It makes me want to feel how they feel, it makes me want to feel human enough to laugh, or to smile, or to show any sort of emotion and mean it, I might run away to the circus and maybe then will I feel accepted, a misfit clown. I think I’m past the make up and wigs, I don’t have a character anymore it is a mask that permanently stays on. I wonder what happy clowns feel. I want to be a clown because they’re not allowed to feel like this. Sometimes I forget I’m not a clown, it’s been so long since I’ve been putting on my mask that I don’t remember who I was before.